Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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What's everybody? This weekend I'm going to be at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota. Friday, April 18th, and then Alliant Energy Center in Madison, Wisconsin. Saturday, April 19th, during my Come Together Tour. Get tickets now at tomscrow.com slash tour. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. ♪♪

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I'm a bad mother because I make crazy ass videos. She don't care about nothing but her fucking nuts.

and dignity in a life.

Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. That was a ghetto Asian girl remix by CJQ Productions. Classic. It was a really good one. All time hit, man. Yeah, that one's been in my head for...

A decade. Yeah. Hey, first of all, happy Smurf Day. Thank you. It's your Smurf Day. How old are you today now? I am 46 years old. Dang. You look every day a bit older. All right.

I think you're really coming into your middle-aged dadness. I think this is a good year for you. It's spectacular. Last year crushed for you. It's going to be even better. Thanks, Jean. Even better. You know what was great? After I did MSG, I went out to a big dinner, and you went to bed. I don't go out to late dinners. At one point, Jimmy, who I work with, came down to my end of the table, and he was like,

you know, congratulations. This is a big day. And I was like, yeah, thanks man. He goes, Hey, you know, I was, um, I was looking, I was kind of doing a little trivia. Guess what year, uh,

the Beastie Boys first did MSG. Oh, 92. And I was like, that was kind of my guess. I was like, 90, 91. He goes, 84. What? 1984. That must have been like ill communication. But then he goes, he goes, he has 84. He goes, so you're 52? And I go, what? And he goes, you're like 52? And I go, I'm 45. And he was like, oh. So yeah, you only would have been like four or five years old.

I was like, right. Thank you. Yeah. No, I'm not seven years older than you thought. But you've always, people have always assumed you were older than you are. Since I was 15 years old. What is that attributed to? Facial hair? Body hair? Kind of all of it. I was basically this size at 15, 16. Yeah. And then I was shaving my face. Yeah.

At 15? That's when it started? Well, so this is the sideburns come in, then the peach fuzz comes in. But by 16, 17, I would have, you know, five o'clock shadow. Oh, my God. Yeah, so I had facial hair. And when I was 16, 17, I would walk into a bar and they were like, go ahead and sit down. You're like, all right. That's so great. Yeah.

Not always, you know, sometimes they would know. They're like, you're not fucking 21. Yeah. But man, that shit was fun. That is good. That's when it was cool. Now when people are like, what are you, 55? I'm like, no, not yet. Thanks.

Thankfully for women, they don't guess your age. Yeah, I don't like to do that. I don't want to know. You don't need to guess. I'll just tell you. There's also, there's a limit to how weird people get about that, though. Some people are really weird. Like if you want to know someone who goes like, I will not divulge my age. You're like, what are we doing here? It's so weird, especially if you're a person that's in the public arena. Like Wikipedia knows all. And some people have that hidden. There are people where they go. Oh, really?

Sure, you can look people up. They go, no known birthday. That's insane. Dumb. Insane. You know what's crazy, too? I knew this Hungarian mom growing up who wouldn't let her daughter call her mom. The daughter had to call her by her first name. Why? Because she didn't want to be... Oh, mom. Mom. She didn't want to be aged. A mom is old. Isn't that... That's fucked up. My...

who's been on this show, Blanca, she had this thing whenever it was, you know, you'd always, when you're kids and it's one of the adults' birthdays, there's always a little celebration cake. So I'd be like, how old are you? Because it's normal to be seven and ask, how old are you? She would always go, I'm 21 and one burning. And I'd go, what? And I always thought she was saying 21 and one Bernie, like the name Bernie. And I was like, this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. And the thing she was actually saying was 21 and one burning.

I still don't understand. I think it's an old expression. Right? Can you look that up? 21 and 1 burning. 21 and 1 burning? Meaning another candle's burning? That's stupid. That doesn't even make sense. Yeah.

Burning, oh, ow, it refers to the concept of burning a card in the casino in the context of blackjack. A burning card involves discarding a card from the deck to prevent cheating. It can also help identify the cards left in the deck. I still don't understand. How do you say that? Why do you say that for your age? Like the statement refers to an age requirements of Burning Man? You know what it is? Can I know exactly what happened to her? Yeah, she heard it wrong?

Yeah, it's the same thing my mom would do. Like foreigners mess up these sayings. Yeah. So she would probably wanted to say I'm only 21. And then she said 21 in the burning because she thought it was funny in her mind. It's not an age reference. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

The actual explanations are nothing like she would use it. No, of course. Foreigners, but that... The saying 21 and 1 burning in the context of age refers to a medical rule, the rule of nines to estimate the percentage of total body surface burned. It's for skin burns.

But they don't, you know, they think it sounds like something. They actually thought it sounded clever, right? And like cute. Yeah. And also, by the way, was one of these people who as a child would not tell me her age. That's so stupid. And I'm like, no, but how old are you for real? 21 and one, baby. I go, how are you? I want to know how old you are. 21 and one, baby. I'm like, I'm seven years old. I don't even have context for aging.

I don't care. I just want to know how old you are. You already think she's ancient because you were seven. Of course. So it doesn't matter to a kid. When you're seven and somebody goes, I'm 24, you're like, you're about to die. Yeah. You have no scale. You're so old. You have no scale for that. Yeah. Well, happy Smurf Day. Thank you. We're going to celebrate you tonight. We're just going to have dinner at the house, I think. Hopefully my mother, who's 21 and one burning, will come over.

And I got to tell you. Your sister? No, they're going to come over, of course. I haven't bought you anything. That's fine. Because what do you buy the guy that has everything? You don't love her socks. Oh, stop with this. You don't. Dad's like socks and ties. Can I tell you what you've done with every gift that I've ever given you ever? Here, hand this lipstick to me. Okay. Pretend like I'm you. I'm you and it's your birthday. Oh. Okay. Oh, this is my. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

Oh, thanks. That's a good job acting. That's what you do every time. Thanks. Put it away. I swear to God. And then I'll never see it again. That's not true. You don't care about getting gifts. You're a gift giver. Well, that's probably more true. But still. You like to give. You're not a gift giver. I do like when you give me gifts. I do like it. I do.

I'll tell you what gift I would love. I know what you want. Well, no, this is a perfect introduction to it. Let's watch the opening clip and get on with the show. Happy birthday to you, Tommy. Here we go. Hey. Hey.

Fuck yeah dude.

I get it. I get that. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Mom Segura. Oh, wow. Here, mom. It's your mom's house. It's your birthday. Tommy, you're 87 years old today. Today, you look like you're 90. But you're only 40.

Wow.

Do we know why he lost his love of life? I think he prolapsed or something. It's difficult. There's a part two. Here you go. I don't have a lot of other hobbies, so it's kind of forcing me to take a mirror to myself and look at myself and figure out who I am without my hole. Because I don't really know who that is anymore because I've been...

kind of one with my hole for so long. It's been giving me purpose. And so now I have to kind of figure out what that looks like without it. That is, by the way, such a dedication to playing with your asshole.

that he doesn't even know how to describe life without toying with his asshole. Yeah, it's an existential crisis. He's having a real life crisis right now. He's like, what the fuck? I don't have hobbies. I play with my asshole. I put toys in it. I'm on cam. People fuck it and fist it. And now what am I supposed to do? Read? Right. And mind you, he's no spring chicken. He's well into his 30s. I'd venture almost 40. Yeah. And he's been doing nothing. Although I got to say this. But fucking his own asshole. Sir. Uh,

I appreciate the vulnerability. Sure. The honesty. Yes. You know, not a lot of people would share this, but you're just like, what the fuck? You know what he reminds me of? Like a guy who's retiring from 15 years in the NBA. Sure. Who's like, I've been playing basketball every fucking day. What do I do now? And now I get up and there's no practice. Yeah.

You know what I mean? There's no shoot around. There's no stretching treatment. Like, what am I supposed to do? Yeah. You got to figure out something to do. I'm retired. His asshole was his life. It was his championship. Now, one thing I don't have context of is what you asked. What exactly happened? I mean, I'm making the assumption that his asshole took him out of the game. That's correct. Yeah. He prolapsed real bad and he had to go to the hospital for a while. Fuck.

Fuck. He had to like shit into a colostomy bag. Oh, you don't want that. You don't want that. So his asshole's just out of commission now. Yeah. Yeah. And now he hosts the Brolaps podcast. Which is just about life after his asshole. Nope. That's fucking wild. We got to get into the show.

Yeah. Oh, this is so cool. There's got to be other gentlemen out there that have lost. Oh, yeah. There's probably a lot of people that are like, oh, thank God you're doing this. Thank God. What is life without fisting your own asshole? Nothing more important than getting a good night's sleep. You have to get the best sleep you can possibly get. And there's a lot of ways you can do that. But one of them is by getting an amazing mattress.

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- I mean, what's this other one say? This top right one. It's a different one. Can you hit that? To see what he's talking about here. - Fist pick. That's fantastic. - Was fisting change at all during this experience or like the way you connect with it, like either emotionally or spiritually, did it change after you went through this traumatic experience? - I'm just conscious, more conscious. Like before I knew there was like a risk, but like every risk you always think that that's not going to happen to me. But I mean, I'm a small guy.

I'm short, so I'm I think I'm 5'7". So I was like pushing myself too much because I wanted to be at the same level of other content creators. That's the problem with content today. That's what I think is like a big it's like this. This is insane. I love this. I love this.

This is a support group for other guys who have also destroyed their assholes. Yeah. Trying to push it. He's like, now I got to think about it. I used to just...

I'm small. I'd push the envelope. And then now you push too hard. It's a very specific niche brand, but it's working for him. But do you think porno stars like the women out there are like, my pussy's so battered? No, because your pussy's meant for it. That's the other thing. And this is not about the Lord striking us all dead for playing with our assholes, but it is designed for it. Yes, stretching. Yeah, it's for that. So I saw a video one time when I was doing research about,

of a woman who was... Yeah, I was doing research for a school thing. Sure. And she was doing anal sex and her entire...

would come out and she would just put it back in. Nope. No thanks, Tom Hanks. She would just be like, you fucking never did. Put it back in. Listen, you know how tight I am about my sphincter. You don't want to start toying with that. You can't, it's not replaceable, guys. You only get one of them. They don't do, they don't do colon transplants. Also, this guy, you fucked. He is, the look on his face in the one that we played,

is like, I just lost my parents. Like, no, that's what it feels like. Like an orphan who's like, I don't know. Well, he is truly lost. He's, well, let's put it in his perspective.

He lost his pleasure zone and his way to make a living. Go back to where you just had it. So it is a financial as well as physical and spiritual hardship. So this is how deep this is. On March 20th, my life took an... This just happened. An unexpected turn. A severe accidental internal injury led to a perforation in my sigmoid colon in emergency surgery. The result, a temporary colostomy bag and a long road to healing. The photo is of me, raw, healing human. Honestly, I've got no shame about the bag.

If anything, I'm more embarrassed that they shaved me from the tits down. Nobody wanted me.

I'd wake up looking like a half-girl. That's what you're embarrassed about? Yeah. The shaving? I didn't even notice it until he mentioned it. The people are checking in with him, and this is a life-pivoting moment. It's kind of ironic that it's happening. We're learning of this the week after we went to the Iron Bear, which is a gay bar here in Austin, because we had a huge Poroso takeover there, where we were in the bar. It was bears on bears on bears. It was dejected.

the two bears with all the other bears and let me tell you something that was one of the most fun nights we've ever it doesn't compare to the other bar takeovers we did it was so festive it was so fun they were so welcoming of course we were told that we were that we could get fucked by these guys it was really flattering guys were like yeah you know if you want to I could do things to you and and um

What kind of guys? Were they bears? Other bears? Or cubs? Or twinks? Or what are you talking? It was all kinds. It was all kinds. It was all kinds. And the best thing was that Bert, he was wearing the most absurd outfit, you know? Yeah. Like he was wearing like he was going to like a fuck club. Yeah. And yeah, he was wearing that, right? And he kept asking them, hey, who would you want between the two? And before he could finish the sentence, they'd go, him, Tom.

Like every time. And I was like, yeah, this is awesome. And he kept going, what the fuck? Why did I wear this? Yeah. Yeah. Now he knows how ladies feel. Well, he looks very fat. He's so fat there. Oh, wow. You know what? He looks like he's about pregnant. Remember when I had to wear that support belt? He looks like a guy that you would see at a club though, right? Yeah. The harness. Yeah. The harness and the belly. And yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

he's wearing a captain's hat too he was so funny it was great it was actually really but he took those off the shorts and his ass cheeks were out and he said guys were running their their fingers through his crack see it yeah they were touching his crack he is so brave i'll tell you yeah i love bert's fun by the way i'm a little mad at you still because this morning i woke up and i was so furious at you dude because i had this dream about you

I speaking of like leather daddy. So here's the dream. I dreamt that you and I start to say it again. I what I you what I woke up furious with you because I I dreamt that you did something terrible. Did you want to hear what you fucking did? Yeah, I was so mad at you. I really wanted to fucking just kill you in your sleep.

I was so fucking pissed. I really was. Okay, go on. I don't know if you noticed, I was a little extra loud this morning when I was making my coffee. I was like, fucking wake him up. I don't give a shit.

Any hoodles. I dreamt that you basically got into some really weird, kinky, sexual things. But absurd, like the kind of shit that we cover. Guys in plastic masks. Like the latex. The latex guys. And then you were really in the dream into felching. Like you would suck.

come out of a butthole with a straw and i was like babe i can't do this and charlize theron was there with all these other i love her too which is like conflicted for me it was conflicting because i really like her in real life you know and she was like yeah all the celebrities come to this club and we all sign ndas and you can come here and do whatever you want and i'd be a pig

And I turned to you and I go, great, I'm divorcing you. I'm taking all your money and I'm taking your kids. Enjoy your fucking life, Tom. And I was super mad. Are you listening to me? I'm listening. So selfish because you didn't come after me and you were like stoked that now you get to have this new fucking sexual deviant lifestyle. With Charlize. You gave it all up. Yeah. You gave up your family so that you could felch. I spent so much time playing with my ass. Yeah. Yeah.

I was so mad at you. Yeah. So disgusting. Guys do that all the time. Who I am without my whole. Guys just leave their families. Yeah. To join sex clubs. To do sexual stuff. Didn't you say there was some piss in there too? Some piss play? Yeah. Like people peeing on each other. It was like sick looking people. Like when I had my colonoscopy the other day. Yeah. We were in the waiting room and there were like these two gay guys and they looked really fucking ill. They looked ill. Like a lot of people getting colonoscopies don't look good. Yeah. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, they were like sick-looking gay dudes. Anyway, I'm fucking so pissed. I hate you so much. It took me like all morning to come down from that. I'm not hard. Ew. I hate that one. Come for me. Shut up. No woman. Shut up. Okay, you come. Ew.

I would join if Leo was there. I would go to that club. Leo, oh, him. Yeah, that guy. I think Leonardo DiCaprio. Let me see all that gum. Okay. So, yeah, I would love to join. I mean, you know, I would love to try the piss thing at a club. I think that'd be fun. That's nothing burger. Honestly, if you were like, I want you to pee on me, I'd be like, yeah, who cares? That to me is a big... I didn't say I want to pee on me. I want to pee on someone. You could pee on me. That's a big nothing burger. Oh, really? Don't care.

I wouldn't want to drink it. I kind of like when I see a woman terrified. You know what I mean? Like really scared. That's easy to do, too. You can do that? Of course. Show me. No. It's my Botox. I got too much Botox. I can't. No, be more real. I like when it's like. No, I don't want to do that. Like in your shows. And then you have to say like, let me go. Like if you say something like that. Please, sir. Yeah. That's good. That's good. Yeah.

Don't make me hurt your dog. You know where that's from, don't you? Yeah? You know where that's from. Oh, like you don't know that movie by heart. Don't make me hurt you. Come on, mister. Her leg's broken. She's hurting real bad. Don't make me hurt your dog. Come on. You love this guy. Oh. Oh.

It places the lotion in the basket. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. It's on the limb. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah. When you're about to sign 16. Yeah. That's good. That's good. Frederica Bimmel. She's a great big fat person. Oh, yeah. She goes, oh, she's a great big fat person. Oh. Oh, by the way, I mean, guys leave their families all the time for sexual things. Yeah. Just for sex. It's crazy to me.

I mean, sex is cool. But sometimes chicks do too, very rarely. Sometimes they do. Those chicks are cool though. I've spent so much time just toying with my asshole like a pig that I don't know what to do now. I'm a fist pig, Tom. I'm a fist pig. I'm a hardcore fist pig. Speaking of. A fist pig.

The storyline of storylines of this year, Tony Johns, who we checked in with a little while ago, has been continuously and continually getting kicked out of places. And a couple nights ago, he posted that Curly's, a bar in Auburn, New York...

Gave him the boot. No. He went right out and told this story. So now, Curly's out here. Hear me out. I got a whole bag here full of photos. You know, 20 bones, you know. Nice. Cachevemos. And the bartender here at Curly's, I, you know, try to give her a photo as a donation. You know, just to be nice. You know, a local nice man here. Yeah. Curly's, Auburn, New York.

And she said, oh, no, we don't do that here. I said, what? She said, oh, no, we don't do that here. I said, it's a donation. It's a photo for a donation. It's a donation. It's for the bar. A donation. You know what I'm saying? It's a photo. Donation. She said, oh, no, you're 86 out at Curley's. Don't ever come back here again. I said, what? She said, oh, no, don't ever come back here again. You're 86. I said, yes, ma'am. Perfect. I'm going to walk out.

You know, I don't want no problems. I'm going to walk out. You'll never see me again in this bar. Adios, curly. That's pretty wild. And then is there a follow-up to this story? Is that what I'm hearing? Oh, yeah. Scroll up a little bit. Thanks, cutie pie. Okay, what's this one? Yeah, I'm just rolled out of bed, literally. I'm just waiting for the bus now. I just rolled out of bed, fresh out of bed. I got to go grab me a few swigs. Yeah, fuck yeah. I don't know. I got to get me a...

Okay.

And hey, no worries, sweetie. I appreciate your subscription. I really, really do. I really, really do appreciate your subscription 100%. You're an absolute sweetheart. You're an absolute tall glass of water. So

He does like the tall brunettes. He's been, um, yeah, he likes, it sounds like she, you know, kind of sorted herself out after 86 in a local celebrity. I think she understands that he's just hustling. He's just, he's a worker and he's doing work. And these photos are rad. And by the way, you, if you follow him online, you can get yourself a photo, uh,

This one came here to the office. It's an autograph by Tony Johns. He's in his Speedo or his little tidy underwear. Yeah, it's a Speedo. He's at Tony Michael Johns 96. It's a great handle. It's a great handle. I think Cougar got a personalized one. Oh, Cougar. How lucky. He signed it and everything. So I have a feeling if you're nice to Tony and you request it, he'll sign it. Can we find out what's going on with him?

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Yo, yo, what's going on, partners? Hell yes, what's up, T? Yep, yep, yep. Oh, baby, come on. Hey, man. First of all... Oh, Joe, Tom. Yeah, dude, how you doing? Joe, Doc, I'm doing really good. Hey, bro, I got a whole bunch of donations, yes, sir, and I'm walking back to my place here with the Little Caesars.

Donation there? Yeah, sure. It's a pretzel pizza and some Italian crazy bread. Nice. And, oh, yo, Tom, there's been a lot of craziness going on out here, brother. Yeah, I know. Holy shit. So what's happened lately? What's going on? So...

My landlord still don't have any keys to my building. It's craziness, brother. And I asked my landlord and the manager there, Scott Chaplin, James Myers, I asked him several times to give me keys. They wouldn't give me no keys, man. And enough's enough. I needed to get in my building. It's raining out here. It's snowing out here. Snowing?

I ended up just having enough and just blowing down the whole door. Oh, shit. Enough's enough. Yes, sir. 35 Market Street. Enough's enough. I blew down the whole fucker, and it's still a Monday, I believe. So how do you... Did you get in trouble for that? Yes, sir. I was arrested and charged with criminal mischief. Yes, sir. So how is... What's the... First of all...

For your housing, I assume you're in the process of being evicted, though, right? They're evicting you? Oh, yes, sir. Yep. So I go to court with these crazy guys on the 15th. And yes, sir. What's your angle going to be in court? What are you going to say when the judge says, hey, you're being evicted? Are you paying your rent?

I'm an honest man. I'm a straight shooter. See, like right now, Tom, I'm literally walking inside. You can walk in when you want to and you can leave when you want to. There ain't no locks no more because I ain't got no keys, brother. So you can come in when you want and you can leave. See, watch. See, I'm in the building now. So what will you tell the judge, though, that you can't pay? No, I can pay. It's just these guys have been treating me like garbage, man. Right.

I'm a good dude. I was assaulted by both of these crazy men. I was. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, dude. So that's why I'm not like paying rent, dude, because, dude, there's there's been feces left on my door. I don't know, like dog poo or chocolate or some craziness.

And I just passed out, and I had enough. And I said, no, enough's enough. And then I was assaulted. What are your plans if the judge orders you to leave the building? You have to go somewhere. Where are you going to go? Oh, yes, sir. To be honest, Tom, I'll be all right, man. You know what? They always keep the lights on at the Motel 6, sir. That's true. What about getting out of Auburn? What about just leaving Auburn for good? Ah, yeah.

Man, I like it out here, man. You know, it's a struggle and I'm trying my hardest, Tom. I like it out here, man. Now, we were just telling our audience that another way to show support, a fan, you are selling these photos, right? You sell the photos? Oh, yes, sir. Yes, I really do like the photos. So how do people get a photo? What's the process? Oh, yes, sir. So you can either shoot me a buzz, you know, text me, call me.

Instagram, DM, Facebook DM. Yes, sir. I got them 20 a pop, sir. They're Tom. Cash out Vemo. And yeah, call me, text me. I'm here for you. You want it? You want a photo donation? You got it. Yes. Yes, sir. OK. And another way you're raising funds is we're trying to promote your only fans, right?

Yes, sir. Yep, yep. And you're doing a bunch of solo content right now? Oh, yes, sir. And I'm loving it, brother. Like, seriously, man. It's good. Like, it's, yes. Excellent. That's awesome. Well, I'm so proud of your hustle, Tony. I love that you're printing out these photos. They're lovely. They're very high quality. And you signed them for the fans. Oh, yes.

You are just... No, for real, they're amazing. You're about to pop off. You really are with Alexis. It's coming up. Oh, yeah, that's coming up. And before we get to that, though, because there's something I want to ask you about that, about the scene. What happened at Curly's? Why'd you get 86 from there? Oh, dude, so like, yo, it's crazy, so...

It was the craziest thing ever. So I had a few photos left. There was a cutie, tall brunette, a bartender. And what I ended up doing there, Tom and Christina, I ended up pinning my photo on the back wall. And it was me with a bandana and a hat. Because I have to keep my head warm. It's wintertime. Sure. Yeah.

But I just pinned a photo on the back there because there was a back there where it said, like, people pin up their stuff, like, for work and, you know, like, you know, if they need laborers or whatnot. You know, there's just a, you know, board you can pin stuff up. And I ended up pinning it up on the board going to the bathroom and coming back to watch the Florida game. It was an amazing game, Florida. Yes. And, yeah, I –

She took it like really, really offensive. She was like, no, we don't promote OnlyFans. And I'm sitting back here like, whoa, what are you talking about? And I was trying to be honest like, hey, that's a donation thing.

for your bar. My name's Tony Michael Johns. I don't know if you know me, you know, but I'm a good dude. I'm just, I'm trying to get my name out here. I'm trying to, you know, do comedy skits. I'm trying to do, you know, I'm just trying to make an honest dollar lady. Like I'm, I'm giving this a photo and I signed my name on it.

And for a donation. And she said, oh, no. She said, oh, no, you're 86. And I said, whoa, what's going on? She's like, get out. And I said, yes, ma'am. I ended up just walking. I said, hey. And then, you know, a few hours later, I was at another local pub there. A.T. Wally's, you know, just kicking back, relaxing, because I was in shock. I was like, yo, what's going on?

I just gave this lady a free $20, you know, donation, a photo there. And, uh, she, she 86 me out the bar. I'm like, yo, I was just watching, you know, it's craziness. That's terrible. It's crazy. Now, did she reach out later? Yes, sir. Yep. Yep. So a few hours later I was at, uh, AT Wally's and, uh, she ended up calling me and, um,

And, you know, she probably did a research on me then, like looked me up and whatnot. She really did. She was like, hey, I'm very, very sorry. Tony Michael Jones, you know, called me the ladies man. And she said, oh, yeah. She was like, yo, I you you know, you're not 86 anymore. I really appreciate you, you know.

um just because i i try to do my best you know just uh you know with you know i just i don't know like i didn't want i wasn't trying to offend anybody and it's like you know like super nice lady you know she said hey you can come back anytime you know uh grab a soda you know it's what i usually get when i go to these bars i party sober now tom sure um yes sir yeah are you doing cameos now

Yes, ma'am. Yes, Christina. Yes. Oh, yes, ma'am. I'm loving those, too. That's great. How much is Cameo?

So I got him an 18 a pop, but I like giving discounts. They're like 10 bucks right now, 10 bucks. That's great. So if somebody wants to wish somebody else happy birthday or good luck, you can have Tony Johns do it on Cameo. That's amazing. That's pretty cool. That is pretty cool. Oh, yes. How you been though, Christina? I'm good. Thanks for asking, sweetie. We're just, you know, again, I'm so proud of you and your hustle here printing these

photos of yourself, and I think your future is very bright. You just stay out of trouble, though, okay? Yes, ma'am. Yeah, I can't get arrested anymore. No, don't get arrested. Don't get arrested. And also, everybody is thinking literally every day about your upcoming scene with Alexis Fox, and wondering how do you feel about...

This kind of, you know, law enforcement scenario, right? Where you're being arrested. She's the arresting officer. She's taking you back to get fingerprinted and strip searched and everything. And then her boss, her sergeant officer come dump walks in and he orders her to do a more thorough search.

Yes, sir. I am 100% game. Strip me down, take my boots and do it. Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. All right. Cool. Strip me. Strip me. Yeah, yeah. And you're cool if this actor, RPC, joins the scene, right? Oh, yes. I would love that. Awesome. Perfect. He's a legend. Yes, sir. Oh, yeah. Take my boots. Strip me. Strip me down. It's going to go viral. I need to be fucked a lot. Oh, yes. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Well, we're going to actually check in with him and see if we can tie all this together, okay? Oh, yes, please. Yo, this is amazing. Hey, stay out of trouble, Tony. Yes, please. Yes, sir. Thank you for the buzz, Tom. Thanks for the call. Absolutely. We'll talk to you soon.

Yes, sir. Thank you. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye, guys. Bye. I think a cameo with Tony Jones would be amazing. That's a great way. That's a great way for him to make some scratch. A lot easier than OnlyFans, too, even. Yeah. You don't have to come. Yeah. You just talk. To take your peener out. You can make those anywhere in public. Yeah, that's so cool. So, guys, get your cameos. Order the photos, I think. Let's do a quick pee break. Oh, you got a whiz? I got a whiz. Okay.

Anyway, I wanted to plug Mother's Day is just around the corner. What better gift to get her than Christina P lipstick? Go to ChristinaP.com. I suggest just getting all four in one pop. Order it now so that you make sure to get it by Mother's Day. Celebrate your mom. Celebrate your mom. Get your mommy something. Get your mom something. I am wearing the perfect red right now, and it really is the power of background.

It's great. I love that song. Got a cool clip to show you. Oh, good. Let's party. I'm straight. I'm dating a lady boy. And I don't think I'm gay. I'm attracted to Chini. She looks like a woman. She's very beautiful. She's very feminine. How does it make me gay? How about ****? That's a good question. I feel like in 2025, there are two types of women. There is a woman with a ****.

and woman with a d**k Same skin And it's the same tissue It's just different form of the same thing Woman in different level She's different than woman to me and that's how I see her It's part of you and I love you and I love every part of you And you know what? You don't need to answer anyone People just curious because they're jealous Did you hear?

And I heard Eddie through the wall. And he's like, yo. Now, what are you feeling when you watch that? That's fucking, she ain't even trying to do the trans voice. She's just letting it rip. But be honest. No. No, no, no. If this video is shown in a different context and you're just seeing her, you don't know right away. Like, she does present. Let me see again.

She's here. Hold on. Let me see the full body. I mean, titties are small. It's kind of a... Yeah, but come on. It's a red flag. But you're seeing her right there. That doesn't scream... Yeah, it could be a check. Yeah. I'll give it to you. Yeah. You don't know. But as soon as she's talking about... Damn. What the fuck?

This is a, that's why I so appreciated when Jim Norton was here. Yeah. And he was just like, well, I'm definitely like, you can't call me straight. Right. You know? He admits that it's, I think the problem with this is that they're trying to convince you that A, if you're not into trans men, women, whatever, you're homophobic. Yeah. Or transphobic. Transphobic, sorry. Yes. Transphobic. And that you should be.

this should be presented a certain way. It's like, no, maybe not. Just however you want to react. You can fuck whatever you want. Sure. I don't have to be convinced that you're straight or whatever. I don't care. The thing that somebody always says in this situation is like, you don't have to answer to anybody, okay? Whatever you like is what you like. Okay, yeah. Yeah, because... You can just say you like this. It doesn't matter. Yeah, no one's

But he does say the thing that I hear, I think Jim reiterated it. It's like he's not attracted to a male presenting man. You know what I mean? He doesn't find a man attractive. Correct. He likes this situation, though. Sure, with a dong. It's a dick. Yeah, there's just a dick there. It's not a deal breaker. Exactly. That's the thing is like if I described a woman to you, Annie, and I was like, you know, whatever. She's slim. She's got beautiful hair, tits. Big dick.

Is the dick a deal breaker? Yes, it's a deal breaker. I don't understand the question. Hold on. What if I'm me, Tom? I'm me. Yeah. We have 20 years together and just one day I wake up and I've got a dick. Yeah. I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you the truth. Okay. You get your own room. You get a room and you get to live there. And I want the kids to have you around.

You want the kids to have me around. Yeah, I don't want you to leave because we have kids. We have children. Yeah. And we just do butt sex. But do we stop having sex entirely? I think with your dick we do. That's the end of it. I guess we start fisting. I'll start fisting you. Yeah. You can be a fist pig. What's wrong with you? Just make you prolapse. Perforate your colon. Well, if you woke up with a vag, that would be a problem for me too. Some people it's not a problem for.

You know, this... De Ziras would be hairy and just... Hairy and gross. Your badge would be so unruly. Because we love these videos when somebody goes like, hey, cutie. Oh, I love these, yeah. And then this one, you could tell it was just like he started... Hey, cutie. He was just trying on someone. But you could tell this took a turn that the guy doing the kind of prank didn't expect. Hey, cutie. Are you going to keep playing eye tag or are you going to holler at your boy? Are you going to keep playing eye tag or are you going to holler at your boy, sexy?

You consider me sexy? Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, I am. You want to take a bite of me? Take a big boy for a ride? Mm, I don't think my ass could handle you. You probably will, huh? Mm-hmm. You could handle me right up, huh? Yeah, I probably could, dude. Hold on. Mm-hmm. You want to try? Yeah. You do? You're a policeman, right? I'm not a police. I'm just a sexy man looking for a freak-off.

How many inches you got down there? Ten. No shit. Ten. Yep. Alright, you have a good one. Sexy. Hang on. I don't have any money if you're expecting to get money. Oh no. What are you expecting to get this done in?

He really took him up on it. It's the first time. I've never seen it turn like that. Never. Usually the guys are like, what? Who? They laugh or something. This guy just went right to, what do you got down there? Dang. He doesn't look gay at all. Right? Would you have guessed that he was down for dudes? No, that's why he approached him.

Not at all. He's approaching people that he thinks are going to be like, what'd you say? Like dads. Yeah. That no one's told these dads that they're attractive in 40 years. Right, so it's another guy telling dad, you're such a cutie. And they're like, what the fuck? And it's like the daddest of the dads that he usually approaches. Which that guy had total dad vibes. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to straight up fucking. He turned his car. He's like, whoa, I don't have any money, but if you're.

where do you want to do this he followed him and then he starts following him and then this guy's gotta be like I'm just fucking with you which is terrible yeah cause he's like I'm gonna fucking fire up bro what's up which is terrible how many well it's terrible it's a catastrophe it is he got that guy all that guy has such a dopamine drip going right now for somebody telling him like hey this could you know what I mean it's like he's so excited and then we don't see the rest of this of how the guy who's recording goes like hey man I'm just fucking around

I'm just making a...

funny i just did it for for shits and giggles dude i know yeah broke his heart man broke his heart broke that old man i know he's got his christmas cards in there and everything his old gay heart just broken it's not cool hey tom yeah speaking of deal breakers you know we play this game yeah i'm me i'm everything me but but what if i had this one thing about me yeah what would you do right okay what if i'm me you're you we have our life 20 years of history uh-huh

but I've decided I'm a nudist. So that means like on the weekends when we're all hanging out, I'm nude. If your mother comes over, your sister, you're just like, she's nude. What am I going to do? Here's the truth. I think I get used to it, but I'd be really fucking annoyed by it. And I would tell you, I'd be like, you can't do it. It's fucking, it's like Bert putting something on Instagram. I'd be like, could you fucking do it?

Fucking just not for today. Could you stop sharing everything? Yeah. Can you just. Just live your life. Can you wear clothes today? Please. But what if I was. Okay. So what if I'm a nudist and then I also decided to free bleed on into my period. This is what I do. Now we're having. But I'm a nudist. Would this be a deal breaker for you? It'd be a lot more time alone. A lot more time alone. Yeah. I'd be like, I know what's happening this week. Call me next week.

I don't want to be around for your free bleed, and I don't want you to be nude when my family comes over. They'd get used to it. Mm-mm. Your mom and your sister would be totally used to it. I'm a woman. They don't care. I think they would. I wish you would become a nudist. How funny would that be? Me? We had, like, people over for dinner. Hello, guys. And you're like, could you put a towel down before you sit on the furniture, please? It's my house. I like to sit like this.

You see like my dick just tuck into my ball bag. There's no sexual arousal. It's just like all flaccid, sensual.

That is the weird thing about nudists is that they just live their life without clothing. So they're not in a state of arousal. They're not in a state of doing anything. It has nothing to do with like sex. No. They live free and this is the way we were put on this earth. That's so gross. I was noticing how whenever I'm with Bert, there's always someone who's like, hey, can I take my shirt off? And Bert's always like, yeah. And so whenever someone takes their shirt off,

you see like abrasions and like scars and stuff. And I'm always like, put your fucking shirt back on, man. You don't realize how much the shirt saves that for, you know what I mean? I was like, are you kidding my body to like, no, not thinking of all the scarring and the, you know, injuries people you get over the years. I was talking about bad skin and like ingrown hairs and stuff. I'm like, dude, fucking put your shirt back on. This is disgusting. Um,

What if I... Hold on. I'm not done playing the game with you. Okay. So nudist, yay or nay? I'm going to want you to really take it seriously. No, I don't like it. But you'd stay with me. I guess I would stay with you, but I would have a new problem with you. A new problem? Yeah.

I'm not into it. It's annoying as shit. It's super annoying. It's super annoying. But it's not a deal breaker is what you're saying. Social life would be really affected. Keep going. Very affected. What's your next one? Okay. What if I become a super environmentalist where it's to the point where like, hey, we have dinner plans tonight. We're going to drive over to our friend's house. They live 10 minutes away. And I say shit like, babe, you know how I feel about wasting fossil fuels in the car. Honestly, this bothers me more than the nudist shit. Yeah.

- Environmentalist. - You drive, I'm gonna bicycle there, it's gonna take about an hour, I'll meet you there and then I'll bicycle home. If we have to record the podcast, it's gonna take me like two hours to bike here. - No.

And I go home and there's no toilet paper. And you're like, well, it's just such a waste. We use the family towel. Why don't you use a family rag? Yeah, no, those are grounds for. Those are grounds for dismissal? I think separation at least. Wow. And like, I don't hound you about your choices, but I'm constantly going through the trash, separating out the plastics and the compost. This is not appealing. This is not. Isn't that the worst? I mean, someone like who's like that I can barely spend five minutes with. So I can't imagine living with them. So you can do that shit somewhere else.

We do that thing where we're just neighbors. We're just going to move next door and do all your bullshit. We buy the house next door. I think Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton did that at one point. They just had houses next door to each other. They would co-parent. They're both pretty crazy. They're both absolutely probably insane. Well, we could do that. Okay. Okay. Thanks. Here. I'm really excited. I have one more. I want to move on.

I'm really excited. This is one of the segments we played last week, but he wasn't even here for it. This is the segment I like to call Ennie's Inner Thoughts. Oh. So here we go with one of Ennie's Inner Thoughts. It is so crazy. When you ever smash the girl, right? Got talked off or something, got thrown it, and then...

Whoa, he's flexing those tits.

Hell yeah. See you flexing. I was going to get mad, honestly, but the more I hear it, actually, this is kind of exactly what I was going to say. I'm kind of mad that you're as accurate as you are. That's awesome, dude. I've been watching this guy for a couple months now. He's so cool. It makes you want to smash him worse, more, harder, longer, keep him longer, ride her hard, put her up wet. Hell yeah.

What do you think, Eni? Yeah, I really, it upsets me. Now, I don't like seeing it from this perspective. Yeah, I'm usually the dude saying stupid shit like this, and now that I see it, it's very uncomfortable. But, yeah, no, that's true shit. Like, uh...

shit last time I was dancing with some girl and her dude like pulled her closer to him or whatever was like yo like she's mine you know type shit yeah it's like I'm 100% fucking your bitch now tonight tonight I mean I told you this and he's in there 100% like do not fucking say oh this is my like I wasn't gonna fuck with her anyway we were just dancing relax but you're gonna make it a fucking thing and what'd you do did you end up going home with her hell yeah I fucking did

Hell yeah, fucking hell. Hold on. That was a long time ago. You're not afraid that that guy's going to find you and get into fights with you? And do what? Fight you? Be like, kill you? Come with a gun to your fucking house? Do it. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I shoot a shit. This is a... What's his handle? Shit...

Shit like her for real on God. On underscore God. He likes to say on God a lot. Oh, shit talker for real on God. Oh, shit talker for real on God. Just missing a letter or something. Okay. Yeah, he definitely, yeah. He definitely is. Tell me this. Why is it a girl is your dream girl until you smell her take a shit? Oh, my God. God damn it. You smell her take a shit, you be like, oh, she ain't that fine. It takes away a lot. A lot.

Tell me I'm lying. Tell me I'm capping. You smell too good to take a big shit before?

Have you smelled me take a shit? Not really. Have you smelled it? Not really. Here he is. How is he smelling the big shit? Shit talker for real underscore on God. Yeah. That's a great handle. Yeah. He puts out content a lot. Good for him. He's very good though. I like his thoughts. Yeah. Here's another one of Annie's inner thoughts right here. No matter how much we do for a woman, no matter how much we give them holes, them three or four, them thoughts, it'll never be enough.

They can't even give themselves enough. They're never content. They're never satisfied. They're never thankful. They're never grateful. They never appreciate shit. If they do, that shit wear off.

Is that true, Eni? Nah, that one's good. Okay, oh shit. We found the first one. Tell me why. I mean, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that this nigga's very unhealthy and toxic to be around. You know. Not a good vibe, as they say. And then he considers answering a fucking phone call, being like, I did so much for you, bitch. I was so busy. I answered that phone. You don't like me no more? Like, damn, bro. Bitch.

Okay, so there's a little bit of balance here in any. I see what you're saying because this guy reminds me, this guy shares my father's philosophies in many ways. I think this is my father. You and I have the same dad. We might be related. But this is exactly my father. What you're saying about like, oh, come on, man. I called you, didn't I?

Like, didn't I fucking show up last weekend? Didn't we talk this week? Like, same. I think he's on to something. What more do you want? Like, in my dad's mind, just showing up is a big deal. Or, like, calling a bitch back is a big deal. Like, you're lucky I even graced you with my presence. That's a classic move. You make them think that bare minimum is you putting effort out. Yeah, that's when they are not appreciative because you're doing nothing. Yeah.

You're just like, yeah, I called you yesterday. Why the fuck aren't you on my dick? What do you mean? Yeah. What? But then on the other hand. Don't feel bad about lying to these hoes. I always lie to them. Right off rip. Shit. I'm broke. So soon as before they start the shit, I'm broke. I'm unemployed. Now, let's start right there. We can build on that shit.

Yeah, this is definitely my father. Yeah, same. A thousand, yeah. He's got some other good ones, too. Yeah, this is my dad, too. He's got some good ones. While y'all being sweet to a bitch and all kind and nice and trying to figure out his shit. Mm-hmm.

But why don't they appreciate me? Yeah.

And then I don't know if your dad does this, but does he get really flattered when they start to get crazy and obsessive? Cause like he'll fuck with these women enough that they'll start going crazy. Oh, and then, but he's kind of like, she's so into me. Oh my God. He kind of likes it. He loves it. Yeah. Like my, my dad definitely does, but he would never show it. Like I, you just, I just know because I know him, but he would never like be like, Oh yeah, I like when you do that shit. No,

No, he didn't say that. My dad would be like, oh my God, can you believe how much she's so into me? Oh God, like please get off my dick. Yeah, it's so annoying. Yeah, she showed up in the night and she had the knife in her hands. Yeah, or like if a woman would threaten suicide over him, he's very secretly flattered by it. Like, can you believe it? She's going to kill herself for me. God, it's so sad.

It's not sad. I hope she doesn't. Doesn't care. Doesn't care. I guess I have this effect on the women. That's exactly the thinking. Yeah. That's exactly the thinking. Because, right, the broken bitches that this guy is going to attract are totally on that. Oh, they're definitely going to play the game. Yeah. Yeah. I love this shit. Well, the nice thing is this guy has an endless well of these. And we will be playing them every week. Now, I know you've been missing it. Yeah. How about you?

How about some TikToks? Oh, man. Finally, dude. Finally, dude. I love these fucking things. Here we go. The best drink would probably be a Sprite with a snack. And then all of a sudden you just let a big monster burp rip.

My name is Kimberly Winter. And I hold the world record for the women's loudest burp. I've always been told that I was the loudest burper anyone's ever heard.

One time I got kicked out of a bar just for one burp. A lot of people are disgusted at the dinner table. My mom hated when I burped. But I started recording my burps on TikTok and it really took off. The music is unbelievable. This is my favorite thing. This is like an Olympian. I worked harder and I got up at four in the morning and I trained. A lot of my fans like me to burp their names.

My audience grew really fast, so just be yourself. Because you never know how many people out there are going to enjoy you for just being you. So triumphant. Annie, you didn't like that either, I could tell. Like, who the fuck? Nobody does, man. I love this. Kimberly, we've been DMing. Listen, here's the deal, man. You and she reminds me a lot of.

Who? My cousin, Jeanette. Oh, for sure. This is a type of girl. Jeanette burps like this, too. Of course. And so was Tiffany in my high school. There was a girl named Tiffany who could rip. Yeah, I know. It was weird. Tiffany with a K. You give her a Dr. Pepper and she could burp the alphabet. There's just a special girl in one every thousand million that is this. And Kimberly, we've been DMing. I love her so much. This is such a talent. She went on America's Got Talent. Yeah. Yeah.

and was like, I'm going to sing a Lady Gaga song. And then she starts singing. She's like, oh my God, excuse me. And then she started ripping and ripping and ripping. It's really funny. She's very funny. I love you, Kimberly. I asked her to do some videos, but then we lost touch because I went to England. TikTok is getting banned in the US. So I made Christina P. That's right. This one last final thank you TikTok video for all the curations you've done over the past few years. Thank you. We love you. I love you. Keep them high and tight. Wow. Enjoy.

Perfect red. Mother's Day. Hey, Heather needs to trim this up for my socials. I got this Mother's Day stuff coming up. I don't know if this is going to have the same effect. Atomic red. She looks great in atomic red. No, she looks great. I don't know if this is going to promote sales the way you think it will. I love it. I don't care. She's so talented. Oh, she looks great in... I can't believe it.

Kimberly. That was pretty great. Kimberly. Hero. Oh, you know. She's very pretty, too. She's stunning. She's talented. What can't she do? I mean, not hold a burp in. She's out there being herself. I love it. Oh, Kimberly. Way to go, Kimberly. We're proud of you, too. You know, all these women out there are like, I'm myself. I'm just a hair of slaying and being myself. But Kimberly's really doing it. Yeah, she is. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Manuel! Yeah. I'll bet myself. Yeah, and they're not. They're just pretending to be like the hot girl. Kimberly 100% is herself. I love it. That's my kind of gal. Remember? Oh my God.

We played that. The pelt that you can make your golden retriever into a pelt. This person stuffed their chihuahua. It's been on their fireplace mantle since 2010. Oh, Jesus. It's all creepy. It's freaking me out. I don't like it.

Because it's their dead dog. I don't like it. So what? You don't like your dog? I've collected my fingernails for six years, and here's why. Back in 2019, I decided to start fighting my fingernails and then keeping them in a Ziploc bag that I put inside my desk drawer, just in case. And when I moved in 2020, I started keeping them in this little jar. Now, there's a lot of misinformation about fingernails. It's actually better to keep them in a jar instead of a bag. Every couple weeks, I let my nails grow out.

I'm gonna throw up. I'm sweating. I'm gonna fucking puke.

Got it. Got it. My eyes are watering. Yeah, it's because he bites the... Here's the interesting thing, though. Isn't it interesting how the nail in and of itself on his finger, as it's attached to him, you just go, whatever. Yeah.

The idea of the removing it and collecting it started to make me feel nauseous. I don't like that clip, like that image of it dangling, that he's nibbled it and it's dangling. It's going to go in the jar. It's the jar makes me want to throw the fuck up. He didn't say why though. What's the why?

I don't fucking know. Garbage tickler or anything. I'm pretty hygienic. And as you can see, the jar is getting pretty full. Yeah, I got it. So I might be needing to upgrade sizes. So it's just a never-ending collection. Wait, is that a deal breaker if I start keeping doing that? Fuck yes. That's disgusting. I don't want that.

You know, in Indian culture, it's bad. I can't even look at this. You should not keep your nail clippings. My Indian stepdad used to burn his in the fireplace. Why? It's just believed it's bad luck to leave parts of your body laying around. It's like bad spirits will take it or something. I'm really going to get sick. You don't want to do that. You don't want to do that. It's real, Papa. Yeah. It's so good. I'm not eating those. That guy looks like Bert. Yeah. This is seriously Bert's next video, Lane. I don't know.

this is this is what he shares he's always sharing everything you know what he did at dinner we're at a steakhouse and he's like i'm keto but uh i just got off keto i'm like you're keto and they put a big thing of bread out of the oven warm bread and butter he's like i'm gonna i'm gonna

"I guess I'm gonna fuck off keto tonight." And I'm like, "Uh-huh." And he cuts a big piece of butter, puts the butter in his mouth, and then takes the bread and-- - I made my-- I'm gonna throw up. That's the stupidest way anybody's ever eaten a bed of butter. - We were like-- - I feel sick. - And before you mop my breathing, I have an incurable under-sickness. - That's also a bird thing. Holy shit. It's just you eating toast? That's the video? - Well, I am. I think there's Marmite on there, Vegemite.

I love my toast with real egg butter. Oh, no, it's just butter. Okay. But who doesn't like bread with butter? No, it's good. Toast and butter is like the best thing in the world. I think you could just make a video saying, I love toast with bread with butter. I don't think you need to do this. And listen to your incurable fucking lung disease. Oh, shit. Yeah, this guy's fucking ripped, dude. He's fucking badass. Yeah, he is. Hell yeah. Yeah. That's just freaking taste.

You don't show everybody everything. This is something Ellis could do. For sure. Yeah. This guy's perfect. Hey, I need this video. Can you send me this video? Thank you. For what, my kids? No, I'm just going to share it with some people. With people. Just people, man. Friends, you know? Hey, by the way, our sons found nunchucks at the toy store. And I was like, this is... That's the beginning of the end. Listen, if this hits my head or

or one of your heads or the cat's head, anybody's fucking head, I'm taking them away. So far, so good. Yeah, because they're like the styrofoam ones. Still, you can still fuck each other because they're swinging them over their heads and it's going to go down. They're going to fuck up our house with this fucking nine-chunk. I love, by the way, that every day now, when I get home, our nine-year-old boy, he takes his shirt off and he's like, he goes, look at me, dude. He goes, look at my traps.

He goes, look at my biceps. So jacked. And I go, yeah, you look good. He goes, I'm going to be so fucking jacked in high school. I go, yeah, dude, for sure, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He got the crazies. I don't even know why I panic so hard. It's okay. It's just hair. I mean, no, it's not. Are you ready? It's not. It is just hair. Can I cry about it first? Totally. Hey.

Okay. Yeah? Yeah. Are you feeling good about it? I'm trusting the process. Okay. You ready? I know if I leave with the same haircut I've had, I'm going to be disappointed in myself. It's like time to do something new. Yeah. Okay. Everything's fine and we're all fine. We're all doing great. We're all doing great and everything's fine. You can cry the whole time. It's okay. Thank you. I won't take offense. She should cry now. That's bad.

She definitely shouldn't have touched the hair. They shouldn't have touched the hair. That's a bad choice. Look how disappointed they are. She was deeply traumatized by a haircut appointment. What happened? What do you think is the story? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, maybe there's like some social anxiety or something going on. I don't know, but definitely they made a bad choice with this haircut. Well, the haircut's terrible. Whoever did the haircut should get a bad review. But I was more interested in the fact that she was just traumatized by the haircut appointment. Touched my head.

But maybe she's just deeply troubled and mentally ill. Maybe. I mean, maybe that's what we're dealing with. No, that's not it. Most people don't sit down in a chair for a haircut and go, hold on a fucking second. Like, it's just, she's got some shit going on. No, she's fine. I almost think you should actually shame the person making the videos for like, hey man, maybe you don't put this one out. This lady's got some real fucking issues. Getting a haircut? Such a wild ride on your talks today. Newie.

What is this? Maybe autumn. Just wait. That's Jasper. I got it. Jasper the cat. That's Chloe, the dog. Okay. That's Tikani. Ed. Ed. That's Philly. Oh, it's a little pygmy. I like to park. Franken beans. What am I waiting for? Murphy. You said just wait. Oh, okay. They just told me that

They get gender affirming haircuts so they get a little emotional sometimes. See, context is important. But here's the problem. I'm still not sure what gender they were at the end of that haircut. That's why I keep saying they. I don't know what we were affirming. Honestly, do you know what they were trying to go for? You're not going to trap me in this game. What? They looked like masculine women. I don't know. What the fuck is the video for? Just keep going with it.

It's over. That video's over. It's just nice animals. Oh, get the fuck out of here. You don't like animals? No, I was waiting for something to happen. You're like, this is fucking Ed and Freddy and Chiquita. Oh, this one. This guy is my new favorite. I knew you liked this. Well, I showed this one to my mom. You did? Yeah. How special. Synergy, Tom. She was like, why is he wearing a mask?

And I was like, that's not a mask. She's like, what? But what is he saying, most importantly? He was whispering it. I don't know. He said something about the... Harris. He said something about the underwear, but I didn't hear what he was saying. Ugh. You want to hear it again? He does all these. He just whispers to the panties on his head. I don't want to see it again. I'm okay. Something with it. Amigos. Hello, amigos. Friends.

My woman left me? Or she left this? Sad. I don't like his whispering. Now I'm smelling her underwear. So the other wife, the woman left him. And now all he has is the panties. But that's kind of cool. It's romantic, Tom. Do you do this when I leave? On bro, on God, on twin. Yes. Would you do this? Yeah. Why don't you ever get into my dirty pants? How do you know I don't do that? I don't know. I wish you would. Right? Strike. Hell yeah, dude.

oh boom oh that's boom that's the tappy tappy you didn't know the tabby tappy that looks like a high level martial arts guy of course it is yeah of course that's cool really really interesting look he's shaped like a pear oh i know he i yeah he looks like a bottle of tabasco yeah yeah that's cool about 320 pounds just kind of like it's a tappy tappy well

You can't do shit, sir. Just to be clear, you're incapable of defending anybody from anything. Do you want to see the animals again? Nope. I want to wrap this shit up and thank you guys for watching. Listen, it's my birthday. I'm going to go celebrate now. I'm going to go to a latex sex club and piss on people. Fuck off. You eat so much. Charlie Sterron's meeting me there. I hate you, fist pig. I got to go. Don't forget, if your butthole doesn't work, you got to find something else to do in your life.

Happy birthday. Thank you, Tom. Thank you. Thank you, Tom. See you guys later. Bye-bye. Bye. Please tell the audience so I can have a record that you're impressed with my water consumption. So here's the water champ. You're the water champ. You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you. Pound the water. Pound the water. You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water.

That's what I'm talking about. That's current water champion. Tom gets it running away. Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ. Pound the water, pound the water. Who are the water champs? Pound the water, pound the water. Yeah, water champs. You're drinking that much water as it drinks water in peace. It drinks water in peace at the same time. Sometimes he's peeing while he's drinking. Oddly enough, my wife also competed. She came in last place. You ever seen a Yorkie drink water? This might overwhelm the urge to considerate.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ.

People would discuss, like, who's the water champ? Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ. Pound the water, pound the water. Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ. Pound the water, the water. Let's go, water champ. Let's go, water champ. Just a madman.