7 Killer Ideas to Get Kids to Clean Up Emotional, Relational & Physical Messes #477
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I want your kids to have the tools to clean up their own messes in life with siblings, with a future spouse, with classmates, within themselves, to know how to deal with internal disappointment and frustration. And you, of course, want your kids to clean up their physical messes in your home. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome.

This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's jump in to some practical ways to handle some of these tough situations from the experience of parents who listened to the previous podcast and tried something new. First example...

I never knew just sitting in the chaos would be so difficult, but also so illuminating. I'm usually so busy trying to control and fix everything that I either make it worse or miss the whole point. And then I get resentful that I'm doing so much when in reality, I wasn't giving my kids an opportunity to be responsible themselves."

Now that is spot-on. That's good insight. Second example is sibling issues.

When my kids are going at each other, I normally break things up and send them to their respective rooms. But one day I walked into the living room and sat and I used your script from the Stop Sibling Fights program and handed responsibility to them saying they could continue to be irritated and miserable or they could solve it themselves.

I grabbed a snack, went into the kitchen, and actually sat. I heard them begin working it out themselves, and then they asked for help. It was probably the first time we have ever really problem solved.

Look, it won't always work that easily. Sometimes kids are physically beating each other up or there is underlying resentment that's causing conflict or something deeper. If you have our programs, listen to the Sibling Fights one with your kids or make them listen. Or listen to the two podcasts from July 2024 on Sibling Squabbles and Social Skills.

So you can show your kids how to begin solving problems themselves. Third example, one more, and I hope this doesn't trigger you. Tantrums. Kirk, I have little kids who throw tantrums and whine a lot. I've been so angry and alternated between blaming them for being ungrateful, right? Because then she said, I know you hate those lectures and so do my kids about being grateful, right?

I alternated between blaming them for being ungrateful and blaming myself for not teaching them better. After I listened to that last episode, I realized I was making the tantrums and whining worse by giving so much emotional energy to them. So I made that switch, finally, that you talk about. Your moods do not determine my mood.

We've cut the whining and tantrums in half in just a few days solely by changing myself. Well done, mom. Well, many of you are fixated on getting your kids to clean up their physical messes. So I do want to focus on that for a bit. Then we'll end with defiance, teen issues, and emotional messes inside.

Okay, physical messes in the home. First, this is normal. It would be weird if your kids cared about keeping their rooms in your home as neat and orderly as you do. Just like it would be weird for my son as a tweener teen to be as meticulous about lawn care as I was.

When you're a kid, you have a hundred other priorities and things you'd rather be doing than cleaning up. It just isn't a priority. So you're not alone. Plus, personally, I don't want kids to be a neurotic mess like many of us are. Number two.

control your own anxiety about your child's future. If you are a good conscientious parent who loves their child, which you are because you're listening to a parenting podcast, then you have this reasonable fear. You're anxious that if your child is a slob

or disorganized as a child, and you don't correct and teach him or her properly, they will grow up to be a disorganized slobby adult. And that will mean that you will fail to raise them properly. And it may mean that no one will marry them or hire them. And there's legitimate fear and anxiety over this.

While that may seem like a reasonable fear, it simply is not true that a messy kid grows up into a messy adult. Now, if you are a hoarder or completely disorganized, this could be true because that's the DNA of your home.

but i can assure you that kids change and change a lot you've heard me say this casey's bedroom and bathroom were horrid when he was a kid we actually had a little saying in our home hey where was casey wherever the crumbs are he's an adult now completely opposite of how he was at 7 and 10 and 14 and 17. he owns his own home now remember the idea of ownership so when you walk into his home you have to take your shoes off so you don't track in dirt

So the kid who seemed to attract dirt now has a clean, orderly home. So chill with your parental anxiety and don't project into the future or you will endlessly lecture your child and it will never work anyway. There is a reason there is a bedroom door so you don't have to walk by and see the mess. Close their door, live your life in peace. You can always say, I will come in and read to you at night or talk with you if you have a clear path for me. Number three,

Let's talk the tough approach first. Now, no guarantee this will work, but it's worth a shot. I am not a huge fan of leading with tough discipline with strong-willed kids.

I think other approaches work best, but you may need to reset expectations, then use the other approaches. So you could say, hey, your room can be a mess, but the living room, kitchen, and stairs must be free of Legos and clothes and stuff. If you leave your things lying on the floor in these areas, it will cost you $1 per item, or it will be donated to Goodwill, or I will collect them and hold them ransom.

Now some kids will respond well to this. Most of our strong will kids simply won't care. You may need to reset. Hey, I apologize for leading you to believe that I would clean up all your messes every day after you. I've done that by not asking you to do anything.

That was my mistake. From now on, here are my expectations. By Saturday morning, if this is not completed, the router will be turned off, all screens turned in until your chores are completed. No screens, no friends, no playdates, no fun until your job is completed. Let me know if you need help or clarification. And then when Saturday morning comes and they predictably haven't completed what you asked,

Then you just do what you said you were going to do and stick to it, even through their protests and tears, without any lectures, matter of fact, no drama, until they learn this is the new way that you roll. I think that is a perfectly reasonable way to handle this. Just make sure your expectations are realistic and that you're getting progress, not perfection.

I like other approaches more, but the tough approach is an option. Now, I like this one. Give your kids some independence and space with this. Find one area where they can excel. Some of your kids may actually do their own laundry. So let them pick out a laundry detergent they like. Put a hamper in their closet and give them ownership like they're in college. And this could be when they're really young.

Some of your kids may like the control this gives them. Now, don't be surprised if teenagers start a load of laundry at 11 p.m. because they forgot they needed to wash their favorite clothes for something special the next day to impress someone.

Don't be surprised if some of your kids do a load every two weeks. Who cares? Spray them down with Febreze. Or, I know you can't do that. Stop. Or they might do a small load every single day, wasting water and detergent. Relinquish your need to lecture about wasting water or being smelly. Just be thankful they're doing their own laundry, even if you don't like the way they do it, because that's pretty much guaranteed.

You and I are control freaks, so chill. But when they make progress, notice that. Hey, you being responsible for your own laundry helps me a lot. Hey, that shows me you're growing up. Your father still doesn't know how to... Just kidding.

You could pay your child a small allowance for doing chores you no longer have to do. If it motivates them and alleviates work for you, determine what that's worth to you. Heck, maybe they can do laundry for their siblings in return for them doing a chore of theirs. That's how life works anyway. There's a division of labor.

You may even determine, hey, you're good at this. If you take care of all the laundry for us, I'll clean your bathroom. You may have one child who absolutely loves cleaning and organizing. So maybe you pay that child or that child charges the other sibling for doing their homework. I'm kidding.

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Introducing Instagram teen accounts, a new way to keep your teen safer as they grow, like making sure they've got the right gear for writing. Knee pads. Check. And helmet. Done. See you, Dad. New Instagram teen accounts, automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see. Shout out to Trevor, an 11-year-old from Michigan, for inspiring what I think may be the most important idea of this podcast.

Trevor had listened to our programs, especially ADHD University, and told his parents, now I understand why I struggle with organization, memorizing facts, and forgetting things. My brain is so focused on coming up with ideas and seeing patterns and being creative, and my brain feels like it's constantly swirling with thoughts, and so I struggle with feeling disorganized in my brain.

Look, I want you to teach your kids how their brains work. Normalize their strengths and weaknesses. Ask your kids if this is how it feels for them. Be curious about that. You're not accusing them, just being curious. So Trevor started using his ability to see patterns and problem solve to help with this. He now leaves post-it notes where he will see them as a reminder to do little things.

He liked Casey's idea of creating little boxes next to his to-do checklist because he feels a sense of accomplishment when he checks off something on his list. He asked his parents if he could create organized messes or piles in his room

So he knows where everything is, but the piles are organized instead of scattered. The best part, Trevor said, I don't beat myself up for being this way anymore. I create workarounds that work for me. That is perfect because they don't have to be perfect neat freaks. They just need to learn some new skills.

See, you're not excusing the messes or saying your kids can't do it. You are placing a natural weakness in proper context with their natural strengths. You are coming alongside them to create practical solutions and make progress.

Does that make sense? See, I want them to know like there's nothing wrong with your brain. It just means you've got a very strategic, critical thinking skills. You're great at that. You're super creative. But that means you're probably going to struggle in this area. So use your strengths to help mitigate some of the weaknesses. They're going to need to do that for the rest of their lives.

Then I want you to help them and come alongside Some kids will need you to come alongside and help them as they do it I guarantee most little kids are not going to pick up all their Legos by themselves You are going to put on music and find yourself down on your hands and knees doing most of the picking up But that's also modeling. So let's apply this to a messy bedroom. I

So I've got this kind of titled messy brain, messy bedroom and see if you can relate to this common scenario. You've got a child who's not naturally organized. Her room quickly becomes a mess. And by that time, it is kind of like it's too far gone.

and she's overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. So she gives up and it kind of devolves into chaos. Look, some of us have been there before. I remember there was a time in my life when we were heavily in debt.

And it's like, why even bother? How am I going to get out of this debt? It is so overwhelming. You don't start attacking it a little bit at a time because it seems so big. So her dad would say, honey, if you just took three minutes every day, it would stay clean. And dad is correct. But her history says she will not take that three minutes every day.

I know the feeling when overwhelmed and I try to deal with reality. So let's change our attitude toward this. It isn't a moral issue. It's not a disobedience issue. It's a tools issue. So let's go for tidy, not immaculate or perfect. Kind of like that organized mess that Trevor is doing. Some of us live quite happily with that somewhat tidy but somewhat disorganized pile where we know certain things are.

I want a reasonable goal for a kid like this. Provide baskets she can throw things into. Big baskets. Maybe a basket for dark clothes and one for light clothes. A basket for anything with paper. Books, papers, bark from a tree. Because that's what a lot of our kids collect. A basket for personal items. You could put masking tape on the floor with four quadrants. Each quadrant holds a different kind of item. Make it easy. Make it visual.

You could try this. I love this a lot. Let's go in and happily do a good, not perfect job, organizing her room and cleaning. That means you're actually doing it this time. So we get a good baseline. And then you take a picture of her room before and after you organize it.

and you can hang those pictures on her wall. See, sometimes that visual can be extremely helpful. She may even look at it as a guide and she'll know what an organized room looks like. You could make a video of how to tidy up. It could be a fun way to show her exactly how to tidy up with five steps in five minutes because a lot of our kids like video. Again, it's a

kind of a neat little idea to use their strengths. And I want you to turn this into something you bond over. Instead of expecting her to do this on her own for three minutes every day, make it a bonding time together.

Dad, play some music she loves when you walk into her room. Most songs are about three to four minutes long. So you can say, hey, are we going to do a one song clean or a two songer today? Make it fun. Come alongside her. Then give her a hug and leave the room, even if you did most of it.

I can tell you one day this will be a distant memory and you will regret hurting your relationship over things like this. Now, here's a cool one. Put a dust buster in the bedroom. It's a small...

thing to use very quickly and it's right there there's no way a kid is going to drag a big vacuum up and down the stairs but if it's right there your child is more likely to use it because you can get a lot done in under 60 seconds place a cleaning caddy under their bedroom bathroom sink

This is a really important insight. With kids and adults who are impulsive and have symptoms associated with ADD, it's super helpful to have everything needed right there. Look, I'm going to share my experience as a grown adult. I'm responsible for some of the cleaning in our home. There are times when the mood just hits me to clean the bathroom, and I want to do it then, right? Then. Or that feeling and desire can fade pretty quickly.

Years ago, I would look under the vanity for cleaning supplies. But if they weren't there and then I had to scavenge all over the house for paper towels and different kinds of cleaners and sponges and gloves, I wouldn't do it. So I learned to resist to reduce the resistance.

I learned to reduce the resistance to these things and create a cleaning caddy with everything I need and it's always right there So when that moment hits and I feel like cleaning and that's how it works for me I can just do it and I get it done really quickly because people like us ADHD type people we work on Momentum and so there's momentum. It's like I feel like doing it. I'm gonna do it now and I do it Well, try that with your kids. I

I want you to remember to praise for progress. I hope that one day your child will actually invite you to look at their bedroom or bathroom after they have cleaned

or organized, and I hope they're beaming with a little bit of pride. Please bite your tongue. Do not point out what they missed, how they could do it better. Honey, let me show you this. At least not the first couple times. Praise for progress, even if you're cringing inside. Over time, you can say something like this in passing, but not the first few times. Oh, I learned this one little tip a couple years ago.

And then you move on to something else. You just share, plant a seed. There's nothing more deflating than being excited about doing something new and then having someone rain on your parade. So none of that, nice job, but you can make this even more tidy if you... See, that'll kill the moment. Your child will know for sure, you know what, I can never please my mom or dad, so why even bother?

I'm going to close the physical messes part with this idea that as I've gotten older, I really like. Relax and be the happy cleaning elf in your home. You may just decide, I'm tired of being irritated by this so much. I'm tired of creating drama around this, even though it is a real irritant.

And so without saying a word while a child is at school or out with friends, you tidy up their room. As long as it's not a privacy issue with a teenager, but you tidy up their room or their bathroom without saying a word. Just pop in for five minutes, make it a non-toxic environment or presentable. No lectures, no resentment. Everybody's a little happier without all the stress.

I like that idea. I know I shared that in the last episode, but I'm doing it again and again because some of you need to do that. Now, what about emotional messes? Most of the podcasts deal with this already, but here's how we apply sitting in it,

to your child being disappointed or frustrated. Just try it sometime. Walk into a room, sit down, and don't try to fix it or make it better. Validate with intensity. Oh man, I hate when that happens. Or that's really frustrating when you have an idea and it doesn't turn out the right way.

Just begin there. Notice your child's response. Then you can get up and say as you walk away, hey, I need you to use the bathroom. I need to get something from the basement. Hey, when I get back, let me know if you want to try to problem solve together. Then you give them some space and time to process their frustration and disappointment. Just try that without fixing it.

Now, your child has some attitude. It's talking back. It's hell-bent on prosecuting his or her case. Try sitting down and coloring. I do love that. And just say matter-of-factly, hey, that tone, not going to work well for you.

But I bet if you grabbed a crayon pencil and sat with me, I bet we could figure this out. See, with a really upset child, you'll need to use something more physical. Remember, motion changes emotion, something sensory. But try the coloring sitting idea just to make it a new habit.

See, you're stepping back from trying to control and fix everything and make it all better. And when you step back, it gives our kids space to step up and you're placing responsibility in their hands. You're inviting to teach and problem solve. Here's one more. Practices with kids with teens or tweens who are seven or going on 17.

Their entire day is drama. You are their safe place. Don't add to the drama. Just sit, sit and listen without offering any guidance at first. Validate their concerns, even if they are overly dramatic.

They are still learning how to do this teen tween thing. So listen to them. Purposefully don't try to fix the situation or make it better. And by the way, I do love coloring with teens. It is so grounding. And you could say, hey, this is really hard. I also know that you're a really good thinker with a big heart. So I know you'll figure this out.

I love that. I promise they will come and ask your advice more if you don't force it on them. And you can say, hey, I've got some thoughts you may want to consider if you want to come get me later while I'm making dinner, while I'm doing the dishes, while I'm folding laundry. See, I like the invitation message.

but you're sitting in it without fixing it. Okay, listen to last week's episode if you haven't. Practice sitting in your discomfort amidst the mess and chaos of family life. Resist trying to fix everything. Know this is normal. Know you are good. Moms and dads and grandparents lead and give your kids tools. Praise for progress, not perfection. If you want deeper step-by-step instructions, get all 16 programs in the Get Everything Package online

Look, it's all for the price of one or two trips to a therapist and it works much better. And it's on sale with a Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Thank you for working so hard at this. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Thanks for working to break these generational patterns. You guys are crushing it and I'm proud of you. All right, talk to you next time. Bye-bye.