7 Ways to Stop Negative Behavior & Control Your Own Anxiety #483
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Do you ever wonder why your kids fight you so much, even over little things? Have you ever noticed that the more you care about something, the less your kids do and the more they resist? Have you noticed that you cannot push these strong willed kids, you must lead them and draw them? Have you noticed they often reject what you want first until they can touch the hot stove and own it themselves?

Ever notice the more you try to get them to move, the slower they go. In the morning, your anxious voice, come on, get up, got to go, school, school, school, let's go, will cause them to dive under the sheets. They are not rejecting you. They are rejecting your parental anxiety. So that is...

is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com or on Instagram and TikTok at Calm Parenting Podcast. So after 25 years of doing this, I believe 100% that our biggest enemy as parents is not our kids, not society, not schools. It is our own anxiety, our control issues, our reactivity.

Those are the three things I struggled with most. But when I finally learned how to control them, the power struggles dissipated. I was able to de-escalate situations more quickly and effectively. I could slow my world down inside to problem solve and all my relationships improved, including my relationship with myself. And

And the good news is we can only control one thing in life ourselves. In the 30 Days to Calm program, I go through 10 concrete action steps to get to the root of our issues and begin breaking negative patterns. In this podcast, I'm going to focus solely on the very first step,

Because it will change your home quickly if you put some energy into this over the summer. Now, if you have our Get Everything Package and haven't done so yet, then use this as an opportunity. Go through the 30 Days to Calm Workbook and Challenge. Be honest and compassionate with yourself as you go through this. You are breaking deeply ingrained response patterns that affect just about everything you do in life.

So step number one, control your own personal and parental anxiety. There are two parts to this anxiety in my experience. Now I personally struggle with my own anxiety of feeling like when is the other shoe going to drop even though things are going well.

It lives in my stomach. It occasionally causes this general feeling in the background of being on high alert for something. It's not debilitating, but it is aggravating and it does upset my stomach at times. I think some of this stems from my experience as a kid. Now we covered childhood trauma a bit back in February. I don't use this as an excuse. It's just an explanation that makes sense.

I was a really sensitive kid whose antenna was up wondering when my dad was going to attack my mom verbally or physically, when I'd hear my mom's screeches. The outbursts and anger came from nowhere and out of the blue. So I think that's part of it. I couldn't predict it.

Plus, I just don't like little unknowns and new experiences. So my first automatic response to being asked to do anything new is almost always no. And many of your kids exhibit that same reflexive no. They're just buying a little time to process and consider their options. And

And if I'm anxious and on edge, it can cause me to be short, to snap at my family. It can cause me to look inward too much because I'm trying to control my own anxiety and everything else. So I'm looking too inward so I'm not present with my loved ones. It can cause me to be controlling myself.

And I know that when I'm feeling sick physically, I get very particular about things around the house and I want everything just so. I can become very picky. That's because when I get the sense that my body is out of order, so to speak, I try to create order outwardly, usually at the expense of relationships. And that's not cool.

So knowing that you're like that, good. Okay, now I can deal with that. So you've heard me say a million times, our primary goal is always to control ourselves first. It's the key to everything. And I know if I proactively work on alleviating my anxiety, everyone around me benefits. So I normalize the anxiety instead of denying it or feeling guilty about it. It just is. It's normal. So I deal with it.

I set aside even two minutes in the morning to reflect and go through my daily affirmations because that grounds me. The daily affirmations include gratitude, a recognition that everything doesn't have to be solved now, that in the larger picture, everything's okay, that I don't have to control people or things. This is where personal faith comes into play to provide perspective and reassurance,

Physical exercise and fresh air are key for me. Having a physical goal, pushing myself a bit can work off some of that ick. And if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice I hike a lot and it's the best therapy ever. So figure out what works for you. I also like to do the opposite of what my anxiety is compelling me to do.

So next time you're in a rush, purposefully allow one person to cut in front of you at the grocery store, the post office, in traffic. When you're feeling really tight financially, even give a small amount of money to another person who needs it. It releases something inside of you and gives you a sense of power back.

Now, the anxiety that attacks almost every parent on the planet is our anxiety about our child's future. Every good parent gets anxious about whether their child is going to be successful and happy. But your anxiety never ever helps or works. In fact, anxiety causes the exact opposite response to

that you want from your kids. You've seen this. When you begin the morning rushing your kids, they can hear it in your voice and that's why they dive back under the sheets. When you say, move, move, get to the car, instead of running more quickly, your kids move more slowly. Why? Because they know when you and I are in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. They are not rejecting your authority. They are rejecting your anxiety. When you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires.

They ignore you and discount what you say. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious. They fight you. When you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you. The truth is that you and I create so many power struggles over issues that don't matter, all because of our own anxiety.

When you lecture, it sends this message to your kids. I don't trust you to make a good decision, so I'm going to keep badgering you. You can't actually do it on your own. After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you? See, this isn't really about you, son or daughter. It's about me.

you're saying this with your lectures. I don't really believe you can be successful. So I spend 95% of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you. Instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions,

Because of my anxiety over your future, I am going to harp on you over and over again. So no, I don't trust that you have what it takes. And I'm more worried about my own legacy because if you don't turn out well, then I will have been a failure and I can't live with that.

You're also saying this. By the way, there's no blaming guilt in this. It's just what we do. And I want to point it out so we can say, oh, I need to change that.

We're also saying this, the problem isn't really yours, it's mine. I have this vision of how life was supposed to be and I feel compelled to make our family life perfect, but I can't. And so I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. Now, if you have a strong willed child, they're likely not going to live up to your expectations.

They may do the bare minimum to get by. They may appear selfish. They don't try their hardest. They fight you over everything and they make even easy things difficult. Your child may procrastinate, be impulsive, disorganized and unmotivated. So your natural response is to project into the future and think,

How is this child ever going to be successful? Who is going to marry this child? Who is going to hire this child? Right? Have you ever thought that? Of course you have.

And this can begin early in preschool when your child can't sit still in circle time. It will flare up when you notice that your middle schooler sits in the same hoodie for 18 straight days playing video games. This is all normal. But if not checked, your parental anxiety can have devastating effects.

because our anxiety causes us to focus relentlessly on all of our child's weaknesses and negative traits. We lecture and micromanage. If you would just deploy yourself, you're capable of so much more. I want you to try your hardest at everything.

recognize that's an unrealistic expectation that none of us keep. You don't try your hardest at everything, only the things you care about. That's the way it's supposed to work. But we want our kids to try their hardest at things we care about. And I promise you, once you step back and give them space, they will step up. But not if you are micromanaging them and being responsible for

for them because this causes your child to shut down or resist even harder. What they know is they can never satisfy our parental anxiety. Nothing they do will ever please us. This focus, constant relentless focus on their negatives creates endless power struggles in a kid who's not confident and it will ultimately destroy the relationship. Not to mention it won't motivate your kids. Okay.

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Okay, number one, simply acknowledge this pattern is happening in your home. Why do these traits irritate you or make you concerned about your child's future? Is it because you don't want your child making the same mistakes you did? That's a big one for me. Is it because your kids embarrass you? Is it simply because you're afraid they won't be successful or they'll be rejected? Those are all normal. Number two, acknowledge

Address this with your child if appropriate. Hey, does it seem like I'm always lecturing and micromanaging you? Okay, I need to apologize for that. That's my issue, not yours. Don't grovel. Don't go on and on about it. Your kids don't want to hear you talking all the time. Just acknowledge it because that's truth. That is sometimes validating or healing for your child and introduces some accountability to you to change.

Number three, the best apology is actually changing your behavior. So let's begin here. For the next week, I want you to simply affirm your kids for what they are already doing well. Just notice and recognize this. Look, praise is simply a statement of fact and make it specific.

When you want to lecture about your child's future, praise and create a different vision instead. Specific concrete praise is effective at changing your child's behavior. It also will help you build a closer relationship and alleviate your anxiety because you begin to see your child differently. So let's find two good choices your child has made.

Use specific, matter-of-fact praise. Keep it short and sweet. Plant a lot of little seeds. Then walk away and give it time to sink in because you know your kids don't like overt praise. They reject it. Hey, when your sister looked at you, said that to you, you walked away. That shows me you're growing up. Hey, I noticed you lost at that board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said good game to your brother. Man, a lot of adults can't even do that. Proud of you. Hey,

I know that you took that money off the counter, but later you brought it back and apologized. That's a mature way to handle it. That's a really good way to do it, right? Even simple things. A little fist bump. I sometimes just give Casey a fist bump. Look, he's a grown man now. There are times where occasionally I just give him a fist bump when he's made a good choice or done something well. And that goes a long way.

Notice when they have used their creativity, ingenuity, their leadership, compassion, that pig-headed determination and problem-solving. Find areas in which your kids excel. As you begin doing this, you will change how your kids view themselves and how you view them and their future. And I know, you know what, as a guy at first, I was like, well, if I just praise my son, he's going to get soft and won't even try harder. You know what I learned?

The more I recognized what Casey was doing well, the harder he worked for me. And man, it feels so much better than just being irritated and critical all the time. Men, by the way, stop the criticism. It is not motivating. Your kids will shut down. It doesn't work. Number four, use this phrase a lot. I believe you're capable. Hey, I believe you're capable of using your creativity to overcome your own boredom.

I believe you're capable of using that great brain of yours to figure this out, to problem solve, to come up with a solution without me having to fix it or micromanage you.

Begin using this phrase when they're young. I believe you're capable. Number five, every time you get that urge to lecture or micromanage, sit down. Just sit or focus on something you can control in the moment that isn't them or another human. Organize a closet or a drawer. Do dishes. Clean a shelf. But begin to catch yourself. Look,

Look, early on, I asked Casey to use a code word when I began to lecture because lecturing was second nature to me and I needed a reminder until I learned how to catch myself. Number six, begin to write notes and speak positive words about your child's future, even if you don't fully believe it yet.

I remember a huge breakthrough. Look, I used to get so frustrated about Casey playing Call of Duty 2. He'd sit in his hoodie sweatshirt and he'd play stupid video games and I wanted him outside doing all the things I did as a kid. I thought he was never going to do anything productive in life. And then I realized he did exhibit many of the traits necessary for success in life,

Not just how or when I wanted, not with schoolwork or chores or cleaning his room, but he did it when he was playing his video games. And I said, Casey, you are goal-oriented, driven, persistent, and a leader. You know when I see those traits? When you're playing video games, because you never give up. You don't do your homework or chores or eat or sleep until you've gotten to the next level. I'm kind of kidding there.

What that tells me is when you care about something, oh, you are goal-oriented, driven, and persistent. Isn't that true? Look, when your kids are helping other people, a neighbor,

They're often exhibiting all these traits. They're conscientious. They focus. They follow through. They're polite. Notice that. And I told Casey, I see you being a leader when you play. One day when you get a vision for your life, oh, you're going to use all these traits. You're going to crush it in life. And then I walked out of the room and drank.

I'm kidding. I don't drink. But you'll just feel like it, right? But the truth is your kids do exhibit these traits, just not with chores and schoolwork and things you care about. So you have to be the grown-up and see that. You have to fight your parental anxiety and not dump that on your kids because

Because now you are creating a vision of who they can be, who they will be, just not who they are in this moment. That is one of your big battles. And you can do that. You have to choose to do it. Look at them differently. Number seven, perspective. Your strong will kids are often just not very good at the kid world, but they are great in the adult world. I used to joke that Casey was virtually useless online.

as a kid. But if you gave him an adult responsibility, he was conscientious. Other adults loved him. And the good news is you're not raising a child to be a child. You are raising them to be responsible adults. So notice that. Remind yourself of that. Give them adult jobs. Put them in situations in which they succeed because

Now, if you stop listening now and you just worked on this alone for the next week, it would make a big difference immediately. So let's do this, but I'm going to add one more goal for you to work on this week because it's kind of related. I want you to practice imperfection every day.

Because many of you struggle with this. I struggled with this for 35 years. It was an inheritance from my childhood and a dad who was never happy with us unless we did everything perfectly. And it nearly destroyed my relationship with my family. And it kept me from enjoying my life. It's an evil, evil thing to me. So I have little tolerance for it now.

You must begin to practice imperfection daily, right? Do everything with excellence, but do small things imperfectly on purpose. Look, you're going to know I try to model this on the podcast. I mess up. I misspeak. I do things wrong. And I leave that. And I began as I used to record all of our downloadable programs in a recording studio. And

And we used to go back and fix things and rerecord. But if you listen to them now, because I constantly update all of our programs with new content, you'll hear me misspeak and you'll hear me flub things and go back. I do that on purpose to free myself from constantly thinking, well, I have to do everything perfectly. So purposefully leave a couple dishes in the sink overnight. Just a couple, not all of them. I'm a realist.

Write a note and send it even though you had to scratch something out or maybe not. That's a tough one You make a meal and it's not complete. It's good. But instead of fixing two side dishes, you only fix one and

You don't turn the clothes right side out when doing laundry. Your kids can do that. Do that when moms and dads, when you just deliver it to the room, whatever you do, and let them unfold. Let them do some of this. And you just do that. Look, this past year, we kept our Christmas tree a little off center. Why? Because it's just a little signal that says, are

Our lives can be happy and complete and we don't have to do everything ourselves.

perfectly. As you begin to practice imperfection consistently, you'll learn to be content when everything isn't just so. And I guarantee your kids and spouse will thank you. Practice it in small bites and then take a deep breath and live with it and sit in it. We went through that with messes. Sometimes this weekend, sit in the midst of a little bit of a mess.

Sit in it without it triggering you. Okay, we've got our mission for the week, moms and dads. Begin working through this action plan. You can do this. It feels so good to be free from personal and parental anxiety. And it will change your kids' responses and behavior very quickly.

I promise the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So just change yourself. If you're ready to do a deep dive into this, take advantage of the summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Let's get a new, look, you can have a new family life over the summer, by the end of the summer, just by working on this. Since you're not going to be fighting over homework all summer.

Work on yourself. Work on this stuff as a family. Listen to the Strong Willed Child program first and the 30 Days to Calm. And then you can go through the rest of them. Let your kids listen to the Straight Talk for Kids program from Casey so they can learn how to control themselves better.

and their emotions over the summer. It's really cool. If we can help in any way, let us know. Okay, love you all. I believe you're capable of controlling your own anxiety and practicing imperfection. I believe you're capable because you are. Okay, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.