It's hard to be the best parent possible when you are tired or don't feel like yourself. So let's improve your sleep quality with Hormone Harmony, America's number one hormone balancing system. Just go to HappyMammoth.com and use code CALM to get 15% off your first order.

Look, whether you struggle with night sweats, poor sleep, or irritability, Hormone Harmony can help. Plus, Hormone Harmony promotes healthy weight loss and curbs carb cravings. Hormone Harmony contains science-backed herbal extracts called adaptogens that help the body adapt to stressors like chaotic hormonal changes that just happen naturally throughout a woman's life.

The biggest benefit? I feel like myself again. That's what women say over and over in 30,000 reviews of Hormone Harmony. It's time to feel like yourself again, moms, and sleep better. For a limited time, you can get 15% off your entire first order at HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout. That's HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM.

Your data is like gold to hackers. They'll sell it to the highest bidder. Are you protected? McAfee helps shield you, blocking suspicious texts, malicious emails, and fraudulent websites. McAfee's secure VPN lets you browse safely, and its AI-powered text scam detector spots threats instantly. You'll also get up to $2 million of award-winning antivirus and identity theft protection, all for just $39.99 for your first year. Visit McAfee.com. Cancel any time. Terms apply.

So how do you handle that child who is like frustrated, wants to smash his toys? What about kids who refuse to eat their dinner? What is a better way to get kids moving without having to go to consequences? What about those kids who are just very particular about things and they get really irritated?

How can you de-escalate situations without having to go to those consequences, whether they're punitive or natural consequences? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our big winter sale online.

at celebratecalm.com. So I got a ton of questions after the most recent podcast on that FAFO, right? The, hey, F around, fool around, find out. I'm gonna give the child natural consequences because I really challenged you to think about this in a different way. So I wanted to answer some of those questions. And I also want you to know,

I am purposefully recording this late at night. Why? Because I'm tired. And sometimes when I'm tired, I'm less guarded and I'm a little bit more honest and vulnerable with what I'm really thinking.

And I want to share that with you because I just find that it's helpful if I can just say what I really think. And you're always welcome to email and say, hey, I don't really agree with that. Or, you know, I'm really struggling that you said that because sometimes I talk really fast or if I don't provide enough context, I'm

I know this is hard with these kids. I know it would be so much easier if you just had compliant kids and you could tell them simple things like, oh, well, if you don't do that, this is going to happen. And they're like, oh, okay, I understand. I won't do that bad thing now. But that's not the child that you have. And so I deal with reality with the kids that we have. And I guess what I'm kind of feeling is,

I want you to lean into this and embrace these kids and enjoy these kids. And instead of trying to fight it so much because they are so difficult,

I want you to understand their nature and spend some time really learning how they view the world. Because when you can enter into their world, you can lead them back out. And they are amazing kids, but they are not easy to raise. So here was the first question based on the last episode, which is, okay, you said like,

You know, a child is frustrated. And I mean, this is so important for our kids. And I know I say it a lot, but I really want to get it through to you. You want intense kids who get frustrated. You really do. Because what that means is they care about stuff. They're conscientious. They get a vision for what they want to accomplish, but they don't yet have the tools to carry it out. And this can be a three-year-old and it can be a 15-year-old.

And so they're not able to carry out their vision. So they get frustrated. And I know what that's like. And when that happens to me, I don't respond with, well, gee whiz, that's too bad. I guess this is an opportunity for me to grow. No, I get really frustrated because I have a vision. I have ideas. I want to carry them out.

and you want this in your kids, it just means you're, instead of trying to change them, change how you respond to them. So in this particular situation, it is a kid who's playing with something, let's say playing with a toy, and they've got this idea of I want this toy to operate this way.

but they don't work that way. And so now they're disappointed and frustrated, and they start kind of banging the toy around, and every good parent comes in and says, "Hey honey, if you break that toy, you're not going to get another one." Well, you may as well just say, "Hey, why don't you go ahead on a destructive rampage right now, and smash your toy, and then go through the house and destroy some other stuff that I like."

because that's what's about to happen. And I get that, but this is not a consequences issue. This is a frustration issue. And the big opportunity, the big win early on is to teach your kids how

how to handle inevitable frustration because it is inevitable. This is their nature. This is who they are going to be the rest of their lives. Our son Casey is 31 now. He is not very different now in these ways than he was when he was a little kid, except that he's mature and he knows how to proactively handle these things. We talk about it almost daily. Like even today, he can't

He called, he went late afternoon in the evening to go skin up, ski up this local mountain and it's a couple thousand feet and so it's some work and then you've got to ski down it. And he called me, I said, so were you kind of about to be a jerk to your wife? And he said, yeah, I was sitting around all day. I had all this pent up frustration so I needed to go work it off.

Well, that's a much better way of working it off than drinking or snapping at your wife or something else. And so here's what I would do with that child. They're getting frustrated and started banging things around. And I know it irritates you. And I know like for me, you know what irritates me is the sound of it.

of the toy being pounded against something. I don't like noise. And then there's a part of like, I paid my money to buy you that toy. You're not going to destroy that toy just because it can't do some simple thing that you want it to do. See, there is my grown-up bias. And what I'm basically saying is, hey, four-year-old, eight-year-old, 13-year-old, why don't you act like a 35-year-old?

Well, they can't because they're not a 35-year-old. And that's my own issue there that I'm projecting onto this kid. And the kid is feeling all of that. They can feel your tone, your tone of voice, all of that. So instead, I'd walk in and say, you know what? I'd be really frustrated too.

Or this one, I love the phrase, of course. Of course you're frustrated because you had an idea that you wanted to carry out and now you can't. Well, you know what I love about you is that you get ideas, that you get a vision for things. I love that you're driven to do that. And what's hard is that you have such big ideas, you can't always carry them out. That's frustrating.

See, now I've just spoken right to the child's heart and said, this is what's going on inside, right? Rather than, well, honey, do you want to talk about your feelings? Do you want to identify what you're feeling? There's nothing really wrong with that. But in this case, that four-year-old or eight or 12-year-old is going to swear at you. Yeah, this is what I'm feeling.

So you don't always have to ask. You can know that they're frustrated and disappointed a lot. And so rather than creating, watch, this is interesting, rather than create more frustration, why don't you think about how you're feeling and then we'll just talk about it. No, they need some action. They need to know what to do. You can't talk yourself over.

calm. It makes them more frustrated. You could even say, you know what, I'd want to smash that too because it's not listening to you. It's not obeying what you want it to do. Now, if you have some kind of recent experience handy in your mind, you can say, you know what, reminds me last week I was really trying to fix this in the kitchen and man, it just wouldn't work. And I remember thinking,

I just want to smash that see now your child is like you feel that too. Yes It's a common human feeling that you are going to feel and experience Hundreds if not thousands of times for the throughout the rest of your life. So here's the key There's nothing wrong with feeling frustrated and having that urge to throw something to hit something to smash something. That's normal and

But here's what we're going to do. I want to teach you how to deal with that. So in this case, you can say, oh, you know what I remembered? I could really use your help. And this is where I ask them to do something that they feel in control of. And for some of your kids, it can be moving something heavy. Remember, we've used that one a lot. Hey, could you move that bag of mulch? Hey, could you go in the kitchen, get that spaghetti jar out of the pantry for me? Do you think that you could twist that top off for me?

See, what you're starting to do is you are teaching them to stop. You are using some movement. You know our phrase, motion changes emotion. I'm not going to be like, hey, why don't you just stare at that thing you're frustrated at and we'll talk about it for a while. No, we move away from there because we're moving physically and psychologically out of that space.

And then we're giving some space and time. And I'm not standing over the child saying, I'm going to watch you. And if you don't behave the right way, you are going to lose everything that you own. No, I give them a little space where I'm not watching them. Something they're in control of. And you can even relate this to your kids if appropriate.

Look, we all do these things. What is your go-to when you're getting really frustrated and you're like steam is coming out of your head and you just don't want to rip into your kids?

How many of you go to your kitchen sink and you just clean? You clean whatever's in the kitchen sink or you do that before bed. Why? Because that gives you a sense of order and structure because inside you're like, the rest of my life is out of control. I can't control my kids or my spouse, but my sink is spotless. Some of you go and organize a closet.

And I said that once on Instagram and my mom's like, why did you call me out for my coping mechanism? I'm like, I'm not coping you out. That's a perfectly healthy coping mechanism. If your coping mechanism is cleaning and organizing, well, that's productive. I think that's pretty good. That's way better than drinking or yelling at your kids. So watch this. This is cool. And this is why I didn't prepare all this because I want to be tired and think of these things.

You are now teaching your child how life works. It's not like you over here, child over there, and now I've got to discipline that child over there. No, we're living life together. And I'm showing you, I'm the adult and I get frustrated with things.

That's what I began to teach Casey. I was like, Casey, I get frustrated. And here's what I found in life. When I stay there and keep trying to work on it, I get frustrated more and more and more. And I start to swear because you hear me. And then I start to just bang it because I'm a man. And that's why we kick it so it fixes it. And it makes it worse.

But I found when I walk away and do something else that I'm actually good at or feel mastery over, then when I go back to it,

My head is clear. My vision is clear and I can see it differently. And then I don't have to live with regret because otherwise I might break something in anger. Like you were about to break your toy, but I know what that would feel like afterwards. You'd be mad at yourself and me, probably. You'd be mad because you broke your toy. But because you walked away and did something else,

your toy is still there and now we can go back. See, you're living life with them and you're modeling it for them. And I think that is an amazingly huge opportunity to have with your kids.

So guess who's been stealing my AG1? Mrs. Calm. She's trying to make that transition from so much caffeine or smoothies in the morning to starting her day with AG1. And she said, I feel good knowing I'm starting my day putting really healthy ingredients in my body.

It's a quick, easy habit. There's no cleanup. There's no cleaning blenders. And that's huge to her. I've noticed an uptick in energy and mood. And that's why I've been enjoying and partnering with AG1 for so long. Look, Valentine's Day is coming up. Why don't you and your spouse create a healthy habit together? It's more likely to stick that way. And it's great modeling for your kids.

AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift when you sign up. You'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five AG1 travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out drinkag1.com slash calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com slash calm to start your new year on a healthier note.

So a mom emailed, "I have two picky eaters at home. One is eight and the other is 38." Her husband. "What I love about Hungry Root is that I can order meals tailored to our needs without going down 14 different aisles.

And Hungry Root now knows our preferences, so they recommend meals I wouldn't have even thought of. Now everyone is happy with their meals, we're not stressed, we're not eating out as much, and my son loves opening the Hungry Root box after school. Hungry Root has made mealtime fun for us again.

I think you're going to love Hungry Root as much as this family does, as much as we do. So take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com slash calm and use code calm. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm. Okay, another one of those F around and find out examples is, hey, if you don't eat your dinner, you're going to go to bed hungry. And I'll just be honest, it's just unnecessary. And I know some of you are like, well, it's the way it happened to me as a kid. Okay, but that doesn't mean you have to keep perpetuating that. You didn't like as a kid, you don't have to keep doing it. It also doesn't mean you have to like fix 18 separate meals for your kids and give in to them.

Just stop fighting over food. Look, if I came to your house and you said that to me, I'd hate you because some nights I'm just not in the mood to eat certain things. Like tonight, I did a really big hard hike through the snow today. And when I came home, I just didn't want to eat this big meal for some reason. And I wanted, we've got this really great, some friends gave us this venison sausage and goat cheese. And it was just, that's what I wanted tonight.

And so it's not like, oh, you're a picky eater. I don't know. Maybe I am. But maybe it's just I have certain preferences on certain days like we all do. So teach your kids to cook, to heat up their own food in a microwave. But stop the fights over food. It's honestly not necessary. And if you do struggle, a couple weeks ago I did a podcast on food issues, sleep issues, and potty training. Look that one up. Okay, anxiety issues. And this is one of the reasons that the whole kind of natural consequences thing happens.

just doesn't always work with our kids because there's usually something happening underneath the surface. A lot of you have kids who struggle with anxiety. Anxiety is caused by unknowns, so they don't want to do new things. So when you try to get them to go to that new Taekwondo class, they end up saying,

Taekwondo is stupid. You're stupid. I'm not going. You can't make me. And they say whatever they can. You know why? Because they want you to give them a consequence. You know what? Go to your room for the rest of the night, rest of the week, no food, no video games. You know why? Because it's safe up in their room. They just got what they wanted, which is I'm

I'm nervous about going to that new place because I might be rejected by other kids. The adult might not be that patient with me. I might not be good at Taekwondo and that makes me a failure. And then I'm going to want to quit. Dad's going to say, we don't raise quitters in this home and there's going to be a big power struggle and tears. So just send me to my room because I can deal with that. I'm used to that.

So the real answer to that is, and I'm going to do a shortened version. If you want the longer one, I did a podcast, Five Ways to Stop Anxiety-Driven Power Struggles last May. It's really good. So listen to that one. But two quick things. One, I normalize anxiety.

right? You should be anxious. You should feel a little nervous. Your stomach should be a little bit upset because you're going to a new place you've never been to. You don't know who the instructor is, if he's going to be patient. Is he going to be a good guy? Not so good a guy. You don't know anyone who's going to be there and you've never done this before. So that's very normal. And if you can relate it and say, yeah, I feel the same way when I have to go to parties or business get togethers or

or I have to do a presentation for other clients, my stomach is upset, that's normal. See, you're normalizing, you're not excusing it, but you normalize it and that's like,

So there's nothing wrong with me. No, there's nothing wrong with you. You should feel that way. And so then I always give kids a mission. I want the adult, wherever they are, to give your child a specific job to do because then when they're going to that new place, they're focused on completing their job. Again, something they're in control of. Listen to that other podcast. It'll be really helpful. But here's the point again.

I have a child who is struggling with anxiety and instead of going like, you know what, if you don't go, you're going to lose X and Y and giving a consequence, you can't give a consequence for anxiety. Instead, what I'm doing is saying, you are probably going to struggle with this for the rest of your life. And that's normal because everybody has things they struggle with. Let me give you some tools in order to handle that when it inevitably comes up on

on a regular basis. And now I'm starting to, okay, I normalize it. Nothing's wrong with me. Oh, when I go to a business meeting, I arrive early. I focus on a specific job to do because that counters the unknowns. You're teaching, you're showing.

All right, now this is a cool one. Let's say there's a... So this is a very common one. Let's say it's a mom is taking her daughter to her riding lessons, and the daughter is putting on her riding boots. But like many of your kids, this daughter is very, very particular about how things feel. Like some weeks those socks feel right, and some weeks they don't. And her boots this day just aren't feeling right, so she's starting to kind of...

throw around her boots a little bit. Now, here's your moment of decision because you can go with F-A-F-O, right? F around, you'll find out, young lady. Young lady, if you do not treat your boots right, you will not ride that horse, right?

And you know what you're doing. I guarantee $100,000. I don't have $100,000. $1,000. How about that? $100. I told you I'm tired. I'll bet you a million dollars that here's what's going to happen. Fine. I don't want to even ride the stupid horse anymore.

This is right. Your boots are dumb. You know what? Sarah's mom actually buys her nice boots, not these dumb boots that don't fit. Oh, and now you're going to go into a rage. Why? Because this entitled little snot, I can't believe that she would act like this. I never got to ride when I was a child. I go out of my way to drive her 45 minutes to this farm.

And I know and I'm going to miss out. Right. Like all the legitimate things that you're upset about that you didn't get to do as a kid. You spend way too much money. And why can't she be grateful and thankful? And is she going to grow up to be an entitled brat? I get all that.

And that's why you have to control your own anxiety in these situations. Because otherwise you're going to lay into her and say things you shouldn't say about her. And she will start to internalize that and be like, oh, I know that's how you really feel about me, mom.

But instead, this can be solved without really any words said. Mom is watching her daughter get frustrated. And you know I've said this a million times. Nobody likes to be watched or corrected while they're frustrated. And so mom says, oh, honey, I'm getting a call.

Mom fakes like she's getting a phone call, steps out of the barn, gives her daughter two or three minutes to wrestle with her emotions, to wrestle with her frustration, and wrestle with those boots. And when mom comes back into the barn, guess what? The daughter has her boots on, smile on her face, ready to go ride her horse like nothing had happened.

See, that's a lot better way to handle. Okay, I'm gonna try to fit one more in here. I didn't think I'd be able to do it.

Morning routine, this is one of my favorite things. And so, look, I like the general concept of like the FAFO. I like the concept of like, my job is not to control everything and I'm going to give you some power, some ownership over your choices within my boundaries. So quick version of this. I tell my son, hey, Case, here's the deal. I have one goal for you every morning. I want you on the school bus or in the carpool at 7.23 a.m. every morning.

Here's the thing, that's my goal. I don't care what you look like, what you smell like, I don't care what's in your stomach. If you are smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you are going to wear to school the next day, that is brilliant. You can sleep until 7:21, roll out of bed, grab that Pop-Tart that I know you hid under your bed and you can run out to the bus. I don't even care if you have shoes on, you could keep some shoes on the bus.

Doesn't matter to me. All I want, 723 on that bus, in that car. And if at the end of the day, he made the bus on time, fist bump, hey, nice job making the bus. Now inside, I hate the way my child made the bus.

You and I have control issues. We know the easier, better, more effective way to do it. We want our kids to get up and get exercise and sensory pressure met and eat blueberries and avocados so their brain is ready to learn. And I want them to look nice so they can represent our family well. I want all of those things too. But the idea of ownership, and I would go back and listen to the January 1st episode because we went through this in a lot of detail.

You have to give strong, well-kid's ownership of their choices just within your boundaries. See, I'm not saying like, hey, if you want to get ready in the morning, if you do want to do your homework, if you want to do your chores, no, no. Those things are getting done. I relinquish control over how you get those things done because strong, well-kid's want to do things in a different way, in a weird way, and it will irritate you. And so that's the hard part. One of the hard parts of raising these kids is

They're going to do things differently, and it's not going to be the easy way. And I know you want them to, but they want to do it the hard way. They want to touch the hot stove. They want to figure it out themselves. And if you will give them some space to do it, eventually, I promise you, they will come back and do it the way that you have modeled for them. But they want to figure it out for themselves first.

And so this is not a consequences kind. None of these things required natural consequences or punitive consequences. They involved giving your kids tools to handle things differently and some ownership. Practice that this week. Look for opportunities to turn some things over to your kids and say, hey, I'm going to step back.

control my own anxiety, my own control issues. I'm going to give you space to step up and do things even if they irritate me because I trust that you can get that done. That is a beautiful phrase. I believe that you're capable of getting this done. Okay, so let your kids listen to this podcast. If you have our programs, let your kids listen and ask their opinion. It's really cool because your kids have definite opinions.

And say, what could we begin doing differently? What could you begin doing differently? And listen to them. It's cool, cool, cool thing to engage them in this process. Okay, love you moms and dads. Thanks for working so hard at this. Thanks for subscribing to the podcast, sharing it, and just working so hard to change. We respect you so much for that. Bye-bye.