Moms, You Are Doing A Better Job Than You Think! (10 Lies You’re Told) #478
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Moms, I really want you to know this. You are doing a way better job as a mom than you think you are, than you give yourself credit for. You constantly second-guess yourself and no wonder. You're doing the hardest job on the planet while being observed and judged by the people you thought would support you in this. And sometimes you even get undermined from within your home.

You constantly feel the need to take the temperature of the home and then you get accused of coddling your child when in fact you're just protecting your child. And yet you keep going. You never stop learning and trying because there's nothing as great and fierce as a mom's love. And you're also a hero because...

You are breaking generational patterns. You are doing this courageous work inside. And it takes a tremendous amount of emotional vulnerability to do this. And nobody even knows what you're going through. You're dealing with trauma that no one is even aware of before. And so I'm proud of you for that. So happy Mother's Day to you.

Look, I've agonized over this podcast more than any other because I don't want it to be trite or gratuitous or meaningless. But I also don't want to add to your burden with, hey moms, here's three more things you can do to be the best mom possible because you already carry too many burdens.

But I do want you to feel heard. That's partly why I recorded that letter written from Jess from New England a few weeks ago. And I want to take the pressure off of you. So this Mother's Day podcast is going to have four sections to it. I hope you find it encouraging. And for those of you who don't know, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our glorious Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

So first part, moms, you are doing a much better job than you think. I want you to know that deep down inside. Because if you ask most moms if they're doing enough or a good enough job as a mom, they will say no, and that's wrong.

And I think it's partly just false expectations of what moms are supposed to do and be as we are currently, right? I remember when Casey was an infant, I took him over to my grandma's apartment and I just laid him on the bed and she just stared at him so sweetly.

And I asked my grandma what it was like to raise kids when she did back in the 30s and 40s. And she said, well, we just brought your mom and uncle home and continued with our lives. Kids didn't really talk too much except between themselves.

And here's what my mom experienced. When she had me, I was the third of four boys. The doctor actually came back in the room and said, "Nancy, let's have a smoke." They smoked cigarettes right in the maternity room.

And her generation of moms did what? Well, they got together with other moms and they played cards and smoked and watched soap operas while the kids played. And then moms, we kind of made the kids go outside, not come back in until it was dark or dinner time. It was completely different. But you are part of a generation in which you as a mom are expected to be responsible for

For everything, for your child's happiness and choices and successes and failures and moods, 24-7, you feel guilty if your child isn't thriving. And it's too much. I want you to know you are a great mom. Look, you're listening to a parenting podcast.

So you're invested in this and you're a much better mom than you give yourself credit for. Look, you're not a bad mom. I just want to go through this because there are so many false expectations placed on you. And if you have a strong willed child, a child with PDA or ADHD, ADD, OCD, ODD, SBD,

ASD, then it is just monumentally challenging. And I've worked with over a million families over the past 25 years, so I want you to know this. You are not a bad mom if your kids don't play team sports and get along with other kids their own age. They will gravitate toward individual activities that also tend to meet sensory needs, and they tend to be better in the adult world, not the kid world. You're not doing something wrong, moms.

You are not a bad mom. If your child has massive meltdowns when they get anxious about going to new places, it's normal. You're not a bad mom. If your child doesn't have good manners in front of your friends and parents, I don't want you to feel like you have somehow failed your child or and I don't want you to have to

apologize for them. You're not a bad mom if you get calls from school because your child won't sit still in circle time or act silly in class or doesn't follow directions that well. That's normal for our kids. You're not a bad mom if your kids argue and fight and aren't kind to each other. I think it would be weird if they got along really well all the time. You're not a bad mom if your kids complain and they don't act grateful.

You're not a bad mom. If you have three kids like under the age of seven and your house is constantly a mess and your entire day is putting out fires and you never get to check anything off your list, that's how it's supposed to be. Don't listen to the judgment of others. Don't watch all those Instagram accounts where the mom has everything all together. It's not reality.

You're not a bad mom if some nights you just can't pull it together. So you get takeout or you throw together mac and cheese for the third straight night.

You're not a bad mom if your child is still wearing her Halloween costume in May or your child wears the same hoodie for 18 straight days. You're not a bad mom if you send your child to school with processed prepackaged meals or if all they eat is mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. Just chill with all those expectations. You're not a bad mom if your child lies about washing their hands or brushing their teeth or if they don't listen to you the first or twelfth time.

You're not a bad mom if you haven't signed your kids up to learn violin or Mandarin and they don't practice their musical instruments. Most of your strong will kids are not going to practice at sports or their musical instruments. You're not a bad mom if you're overwhelmed and occasionally lose it and yell. That's part of the growing process.

You're not a bad mom if your kids don't go to their high school graduation and barely get that diploma, or if they won't apply themselves. And I know you're going to have to grieve that sometimes, but that's not your fault. You didn't do something wrong.

You're not a bad mom if your child won't eat everything or anything on their plate. Or if you leave dishes and plates in the sink overnight, you hear your mom's voice screaming in your head to clean it up. You're a great mom. You are a great mom.

Though you shouldn't have to, you constantly take the temperature of the home to make sure your kids are safe and healthy and happy. You sacrifice so they can have things you never had. You get up in the middle of the night, even when you're exhausted, to calm their fears and calm their stomachs. And you know there's nothing as fierce, loyal, and relentless as a love of a mother.

So I wanted to go through 10 lies and false expectations that I couldn't even say right, but I'm practicing imperfection myself, moms.

here are 10 lies and false expectations that moms are told or expected to live up to. And I wanted to, as a man, speak very directly about these so you have clarity and hopefully feel heard and validated inside. Not that you need me to validate you. So number one, here's something your moms are told all the time. Well, you just coddle our children. Sure, maybe you're a little bit too accommodating at times. I get that.

But that is usually because you are likely counterbalancing your husband's negativity and yelling. You are forced into a position of being the referee and doing damage control. Then you get told you're coddling the child when in essence, you're actually coddling or babying your husband because he can't control himself.

That is not your fault. That is not your responsibility. You are just doing the right thing by protecting your child, and that's a noble thing. So don't let people guilt you over that and make it like it's your issue. Number two, well, you must be doing something wrong because your kids misbehave. That's a lie. You didn't do something wrong. I get these questions almost every

every day well what am I doing wrong as a mom that my kids are grateful that the siblings fight that my child is so intense that my child has sensory issues that my child has meltdowns nothing you did nothing wrong you did not cause these things to happen stop being responsible for everybody else's opinion of you and what your child does this is just who your kids are they're okay you're a good mom look

For those of you who had the compliant child first, remember, you were like, I am such a good mom. But then you had a more strong-willed child. You're like, I don't know what I'm doing. You didn't cause the strong-willed child to be like this. It's just who they are.

One of the, a third lie we hear all the time, I should be doing more. No, I want you to do less. There is no way you will never not be a great mom. Seriously, be confident in that. Well, I need to always be on my game and never take time off in order to be a good mom, a good wife, a good partner. No, that's not true.

You are worthy of being respected, loved, and accepted just as you are. You have nothing to prove. You have nothing to earn. This is a big one for moms. Number four: "Well, I just feel like I'm bothering people when I ask for help." No, no, no. I get so many emails that begin with, "Well, I'm sorry to bother you." Why do you think you are bothering people? You're not.

How come it's okay for you to do everything for everyone else with such a good attitude, but if you ask for one small thing, you feel like you have to apologize? Now, I know for a lot of you, that's from your childhood, and you're courageous because you're facing those patterns and breaking them. So I want you to stop apologizing and know deep inside, you are worthy of having people do good things

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So think about this, moms. Here's what's kind of happening. You are doing what many of you consider is the most important job of your lifetime, being a mom raising kids. And while you are doing it, you are being observed and studied and judged for every little thing that goes wrong, even if it's not your responsibility. You get judged by your own mom and dad, by your siblings, by your in-laws, by strangers and teachers and people on Instagram.

Imagine going to work at an office and you have like six different bosses who are critiquing and criticizing every single decision you make. No one will put up with that. But that's what often happens to moms. So I want you to trust your instincts and develop a little bit of a more of a kind of like FU attitude toward other people's judgments and society's expectations. Learn to trust that voice inside.

Think about this. Number six, for some moms, it's even worse. Your partner in this is actually undermining all your efforts on a daily basis. You spend all this energy and time making sure everything's okay, making sure the kids are good, and then your spouse walks in the door and now just blows everything up. Because if you have a spouse who cannot control his emotions, who yells and reacts and escalates,

Not only do you have to clean up the emotional messes, your work is being undermined. Would your husband like it if you went to his office and started yelling at his colleagues and creating drama there? Well, he'd be furious that you're undermining his work and company culture and preventing him from getting a promotion. So let him know that. Listen to the May 2nd episode about how to get husbands on board because you need help, not a critic. Number seven.

You are not wrong to expect to feel emotionally and physically safe before being intimately vulnerable with your spouse. You shouldn't be guilted or coerced into doing something if you're not being treated with respect. You're not weaponizing a damn thing. You're demonstrating self-respect and expecting to be treated well. Don't let people manipulate you.

Learn to trust your internal voice again, even if that voice was not listened to or respected as a child. Number eight, it is not dishonoring your parents to create very clear boundaries with them and say no when they are not acting appropriately around your kids or in your home.

Don't allow those accusing voices and guilt to cause you to continue this pattern of being bullied and manipulated by your parents. For some of you, this is very, very strong. If you grew up like I did in a religious background, it's like, no, we have to honor our parents. It is not dishonoring your parents to create boundaries and say no. We are the parents of a grown man and a daughter-in-law, and we tread lightly in their home. We respect their way of doing things. We don't force our opinions on them.

Expect your parents to grow up or they are not allowed entrance to your family island because that's what you have. You have a family and there's a moat and there's a drawbridge there. It is your home. It is your children.

And no one has a right to come into your home and behave in ways contrary to your values. And you are not being a disrespectful or rebellious daughter if you stand your ground and say, you are welcome in our home, but you are not welcome if you do X and Y.

I know that's hard for many of you, but it's important. Number nine, you're a mom. There's something special about a mom. I often joke that when men go to sleep, we forget that we have children. It's kind of true. But a mom never forgets. She wakes up in the middle of the night and wonders how her children are sleeping. She's going through that mental checklist of all the appointments and things she needs to keep straight for the kids, even if she has her own full-time job.

And this may be an unpopular take, but I found it to be true. Do you know why when a divorce happens, the kids often take out their anger on their mom and not dad? And they kind of play nice with their dad, even though mom has always been the supportive, loving parent.

It's because most kids intuitively know this. My dad's love and acceptance can be kind of fleeting. So I need to give lots of allowances and make excuses for my dad so he doesn't abandon me. But I know that my mom will always love me no matter what, right? Because I can always come back to my mom because she will always be there for me. Mom means home and safety for so many of us. Number 10.

Moms like you are heroes to me. And I'm not just saying that. You are breaking generational patterns. You are working through trauma, through dysfunctional childhoods. Some of you were not listened to as kids. You had no voice. And here you are as a grown adult, now with kids of your own, and you are learning how to find that voice to change patterns that have been part of you for decades. That is heroic work. You are working through trauma, through dysfunctional childhoods.

You are digging down deep and dealing with issues that no one else is even aware of. You face setbacks. You get knocked down, even by the people close to you. You have your trust broken, and yet here you are, battling through that pain to learn to trust again, to be vulnerable, to become fully you. I am so freaking proud of you, not just as a mom, but as a human.

So I want to tell you about my mom, who passed shortly after Mother's Day four years ago.

Now, I think I had the best mom ever, and I hope you're not offended by this, but my mom was just a simple woman. There were no pretenses. She wasn't very bright, and I'm not being mean. She was just a simple person. We never had deep discussions. I don't ever remember her ever giving me good advice or some kind of wisdom, and she couldn't cook. She was awful. But when you talk to my mom, she made you feel good.

like the most important person, like she was really interested in what you were saying or doing. She listened. She loved. She laughed. If you were having a bad day, you could call my mom. And I used to tell my friends this. I was like, just call my mom. She won't even know who you are and she'll talk to you. And you'd hang up feeling better about yourself and your life. Isn't that a magical trait?

And then there's this part of my mom. She was a naive, simple girl who ended up marrying a monster. Near the height of my dad's abusive behavior, my mom somehow figured out a way to move her four boys across town to a tiny little townhome while my dad was away on a business trip. It was 1976.

No one did that back then. She did. It was a courageous move on her part to protect her four boys. And she took menial jobs to support us. We got reduced lunches at school because my dad refused to pay her. But she never complained. She just fought for her four boys.

And although she'd get frustrated, I have to tell you this, she'd get frustrated with us when we were a little bit older, and she'd try to swat at us with a fly swatter. And then all you had to do with my mom was make a really inappropriate joke, and she would laugh so hard. But you know what? She raised four boys who turned out to be pretty good humans, and she didn't do nearly as much as you do for your kids.

But eventually the body keeps the score and my mom developed MS, which slowly ravaged her body piece by piece. And I have no doubt that my dad's abuse triggered her MS.

And I think that my mom bore that MS in her body for us. It was kind of a sacrifice of sorts. So her four boys didn't have to bear so much of his stress and abuse. And she never complained. And she used to lament, I wish I could go out and play and take my grandkids fun places. All of her grandkids adored her. And I mean adored her. To this day, you should hear them talk about her

Like, there is reverence and affection for her more than anyone on the planet. Why? Her MS, she couldn't do much physically. So she would sit for hours and hours. She would watch her grandkids do all those boring little inane things little kids do where they say, watch me, Grandma, watch me. And she would watch.

for hours and hours, day after day. And everyone adored her because she never complained as her body slowly fell apart. She just kept loving. There are things I want to say, but I can't because I'll cry more. So at the end of life, and I'll end with kind of a sweet moment, she and I had this tradition.

I'd come and I'd sleep on her sofa. And every night at 10 p.m., I'd say, hey, mom, you ready for some dessert? Because she had always made me brownies when I visited because I love those. And she actually made those okay. And by the way, I know that brownies and ice cream and whipped cream are horrible for inflammation and not good for MS. But at some point, she was old enough. And I told her, mom, F it. Just do what you enjoy doing. So anyway, I'd say, mom, you ready for some dessert? And she'd always say,

just a little bit tonight, honey. I'm not very hungry. So I would pile up a big bowl of ice cream, couple brownies, throw in that awful whipped cream. She didn't get the nice kind. And awful chocolate syrup.

And I'd go and I'd give it to her and she'd say, oh, honey, I can't eat all that. And about 15 minutes later, she'd be hunched over, scooping up every last bite. And she'd look up and see me smiling at her and she'd say, oh, shut up. And then she'd laugh this big laugh. I miss my mom. My mom raised four boys who turned out to be good men.

And her secret was she always believed in us and she listened and she loved. And the point is, I think she was the best mom ever. And she did far less than so many of you do for your kids. Moms, thank you for being an awesome mom. I am so freaking proud of you. Now go and have a good happy Mother's Day and happy Mother's Month and year ahead. If we can ever help you, just let us know. Love you all. Bye-bye.