Pt. 2: How to Shut Up & Stop Lecturing (So Kids Actually Listen To You) #449
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So do you lecture because it feels like if you don't, you're just letting your kids get away with misbehavior? How do you handle a teenager, another child who just doesn't talk or say anything? Is talking how you process or let off steam? Do you ever feel offended when it feels like your kids aren't listening to you because no one listened to you when you were a child and you didn't have a voice?

So in part two of this series, I want to give you some practical ways to handle these situations and break these generational patterns. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big winter sale at CelebrateCalm.com. If you didn't listen to the first part of this, go back and listen to that now or just after you listen to this episode. So let's continue responding to some common comments from parents online.

on our Instagram page. And by the way, I'd ask those of you who aren't following us on Instagram and maybe you're on TikTok or Facebook or whatever, follow our Instagram page. Look, I hate social media, but I believe we've created a supportive, encouraging, positive community actually here in this little space on our Instagram page. And I'm very active there interacting with parents. So

This was good insight from a kid. He said, "My brain hurts and I'm completely overwhelmed, so please stop talking to me."

Look, for many of your kids after school especially, it's the end of the day. They've listened to teachers talk to them all day long. They've been instructed to do things that they don't want to do all day long. And then you start in on them because you want to talk. Well, it's not all about you. And stop making it a disrespect thing because your child doesn't want to talk in the morning or after school.

Respect that and give them space. I promise you, the more that you draw and lead these kids and respect them, the more they will talk to you. Otherwise, you're just being annoying. Okay, this was a great comment. Now that my kids are teens, I think they can handle a thorough explanation of the repercussions of their actions. And I hope to open a dialogue, but...

Alas, it's not what they want to hear. So think about this, moms and dads. Think about a work project that you completed that was less than optimal. Do you really want your boss to take you through a thorough explanation of the repercussions of your actions and dialogue about it? Really? Or do you want your boss to say, hey, that wasn't your best work.

but I know you're capable of crushing it on the next project. Let me know if you need some additional tools to help you, okay?

And then you can initiate if you want the additional help. Look, imagine a less than stellar moment when you reacted to the kids or said something ugly to your spouse. You know what you did was wrong. Do you really want your spouse to take you through a thorough explanation of the repercussions of your actions? No, you're embarrassed by your actions and you don't want to just hash it out.

This would probably be better. Hey, I know that's not how you wanted to react. Next time, here are a couple options for how to handle that better. And you keep it short and sweet. You give actionable solutions for the next time. And then you move on with a more positive encouragement. Look, we all mess up. I know you'll handle it differently or better next time.

With your kids, obviously, they can learn from the ramifications of losing their driver's license or their phone or their privileges. But you don't have to go on and on.

Another parent said, hey, talking is how I process information or the stress of the moment. And this is really good insight. It's how most of us kind of hash out issues. We talk, we get feedback, we refine our opinions, we get more feedback and refine more.

So a few thoughts for you. One, give yourself permission to not handle in the moment. Walk away. You can say, hey, I just need some time to think about this and go for a walk. Talk to your spouse about the situation first. Call a parent or a friend. Walk your dog. I'm looking at some horses out here with the neighbors. I go and talk to the horses. Why? They have great advice and they always just listen to me and I get clarity on a lot of our

hikes but I've learned in life if I don't respond right away and I go for a hike a walk and I hash it out inside of myself first 99.9% of the time it just works out better

If you need to talk, then practice asking questions and being genuinely curious, not interrogating. See, just say like, hey, I'm curious. Take me through what was going on because I really want to learn and help you. See, what I want to do with discipline is take it out like, take it from what were you thinking? You know, how many times have I told you not to do that too? Hey, I'm curious. Think about that. I really like this.

this. I'm curious, you just made a decision, a choice. You just did something that you know was wrong and that is going to have negative consequences. And so I'm curious, why would you do something that hurts you?

See, usually our discipline and usually us wanting to hash it out is we want to prove our point and get our point across. And it's more about that. And it's almost like, isn't it sometimes like marking off a checklist? Like, well, my child misbehaved and did something wrong. So I lectured him or her. And so my job is done. Isn't that true? Sometimes we fall into that trap with that checklist and it becomes more about like, well, I did my part and I brought it up.

But instead, I want to problem solve and say, look, you keep doing things that hurt you. It's not about me. These choices you're making keep hurting you. And so I'm curious, is there something that I could do to help you with that? See, I'm coming along fast.

side my child instead of just staring at them and just endlessly lecturing them because those words just feel like heavy weights and like condemnation all the time. And I know many of you, especially those of you who grew up, a lot of you in a very religious background, it was all condemnation of everything was about wrong behavior. And now I've got to lecture you about that. And it just weighs on you.

then a lot of us, look, a lot of us, I'm this, I'm an ADHD person. I've got a very, very busy brain and mouth. And so my encouragement is this. I know it's hard, but you're hurting your relationships. So you have to stop. You can't keep making excuses for this. Well, this is just the way I'm made.

Well, I could use that for 10 different behaviors. I'm a man, right? What if I, well, I'm a man, right? Like that would let me get away with like a lot of things, but I don't make excuses for that. So that's why I want you to sit down and color and ask questions. Go to the bathroom. That's just a great one. I need to go to the bathroom. Why? Because most of your kids probably aren't going to follow you into the bathroom unless they're really little.

and then you can take a walk, clean or organize something. Something that gives you back a sense of control because when you're wanting to lecture, you know what, that's a really good one. When you're wanting to lecture, and I'm actually making notes here because I wanna do a video on this one. So forgive me for that, but sometimes this stuff just pops up. When you're lecturing, it's partly because it feels out of your control.

So in that moment, go clean something, go organize something in your home. I do that because it gives me a sense of order in side.

Okay, here's a great comment. We're both teachers, so we do a lot of talking. Again, no excuses, right? Switch to learning by asking questions, by being curious, by modeling, by teaching by example. Your kids aren't your students. It's like, if you're an attorney, do you think it would be helpful to litigate every incident with your kids? If you were an engineer, do you think it would be helpful to flow chart all of their behavior? No.

Okay, here's the very common question. I don't want to ignore the behavior so I feel like I have to say something and I don't want them to think it's okay or let them get away with it. Look, you know from listening to our podcasts and our programs, we don't ignore behavior. We just don't react to it. We don't give it negative energy. So I can say very matter-of-factly, hey, that kind of response isn't going to work in my home.

Why don't you come back into the room and try that again?

You can address the behavior without going on and on. Short and sweet discipline is way more effective. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. And the most valuable words, the most valuable thing you can do is just to actually do what you said you were going to do. See, I promised you if you talk to me like that, if you hit your sister, if you do X...

This is just going to be the outcome of that. And so then you keep your promise. See, I like that a lot. You chose to stay on your screens for an extra three minutes. So you chose to forfeit them tomorrow or lose 30 minutes tomorrow. There's no drama. Your kids already know right from wrong. So they're not going to think it's

Okay, let's just start practicing. I would go through, if you struggle with this, go through the Discipline That Works program because that we go through on no drama discipline. It is very liberating and your kids will actually listen to you. Okay.

This one, I just want them to understand. Look, your kids do. Your kids already understand. Here's the comment. I feel like I want them to understand why I'm making the decision, so I over-explain. But I also want them to know I care, so I'm wanting to have this conversation with

But it just ends up sounding like you don't trust them to learn it themselves. That you don't trust them to figure it out and make good choices. Look, your kids already know you care probably too much. But that ends up pushing them away when you just keep going on and on. Remember we talked about in the last episode, when you're really emotionally invested in getting through to your kids, guarantees they'll resist even more.

Kids are not looking to be convinced. Stop trying to convince your kids that you're right. They're never going to be like, oh, you know what? You have so much wisdom. I just realized your logic is so infallible, mom and dad. It's not going to happen.

Sometimes you have to be decisive. Let them be upset without trying to get them to agree with you. It's called leadership. Oh, my kids get angry when I give them mommy lectures. And I would just encourage you with this. Anything that begins with, you know, kids, it's really important that you learn. Those lectures in that syrupy, sweet tone sound patronizing. It would make me furious if I were a kid.

You know what they're thinking? Talk to me like an adult. Those long lectures about integrity and doing your best and being the best version of yourself. It makes me want to run, right? Model it, live it, affirm what they're doing well. But none of those long syrupy, sweet and or snotty tone doesn't work either. OK, here's one more before I get to this big one.

I just talk to break the silence. What do I do when my teenager has nothing to say? Well, why do you have to break the silence? See, that's your own insecurity and your own discomfort. And that's making it about you. If your teen or tween or five-year-old wants to sit in silence, then honor and respect that. See, a lot gets said about

Sometimes by being that stable, no drama person driving the car or sitting in a room, not feeling compelled to fill the space or force a discussion. You're building trust during those moments. Otherwise, you're just being annoying. So learn, practice sitting in the silence. Now, what about when kids are being disrespectful?

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So mom wrote this. It is so hard because when they're talking back or being disrespectful and we're being quiet, it feels incredibly permissive. It feels like they're the ones in charge. Like you are agreeing with what they're doing or saying. I just want to reassure you, if your child is talking back to you and being disrespectful, they know it's not right. They know it.

And so what is your other option just to jump in and say, you're not going to talk to me like that young man, young woman. It just escalates things. There's nothing about being quiet that says, you know what? You are right about what you're saying and it's okay. They can read your face. Something else is usually going on. Now, I've done this in other podcasts.

One of two things is going on. One is that they are dysregulated and they're really upset and they're just lashing it out and taking it out on you. Well, in that case, they're having a little meltdown and you never address a meltdown, the behavior right then. What do we do in a meltdown, right? That is when we acknowledge with intensity what they're going through, what they're feeling. Of course, you're really upset. Totally get that.

We give them something they're in control of so that it begins to calm them down. And then we use, if we can, we use motion changes, emotion, movement. Remember the chips and salsa example I did a couple weeks ago? Like, hey, Case, I can tell something else is going on. Listen, you talk to me like that if you want. It's just not going to work out for you. But if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you on the deck. I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

See, me, I didn't have to go back at him in that moment. And he knew that was wrong. And then the other thing is, sometimes kids being disrespectful is they're just pushing the boundaries and they're testing the boundaries. You reacting in the moment, that's when they are in control of you. See, when you react...

Then they are in charge of you because they got you to react. So there is no need to react. Absolutely. You address everything. You just use wisdom to know that when your talk is going to have the maximum benefit, when it's going to land, but it's not in the moment right.

It almost never works in the moment when someone is upset. Think about you with your spouse right in the moment. It usually works better when after you two have cooled off, you've had a little bit of time apart and you come back when you're both in a more humble mood and say, man, I really shouldn't have said that. Or, hey, that really hurt me. And then your spouse is like, yeah, I know I shouldn't have said that.

But not in the moment. So there's wisdom in knowing when to let kids blow off steam, when to address situations so you don't escalate it. But your kids know right from wrong. They know when they've gone too far. They're just embarrassed and don't want to admit it while they're being looked at. So...

You can either, you can always use tough discipline. I've been through that, but do it afterwards. Let it calm down first. One of my favorite things to do with Casey at times afterwards is say like, hey, I know that you know that was wrong, what you just did. And I'm curious, what do you think your next step should be? And oftentimes he'd be like, I'm sorry, dad.

See, I was putting it in his court rather than, you know what, you need to apologize to me right now, young man. I like putting it in their court, but lecturing, that anxious lecturing where I really feel like you need to listen to me and hear me, it doesn't work. Okay, great one. Hey, it's a way to let off steam.

That's what a lot of parents say. And I get your frustration as a parent, but this is akin to saying that yelling at my wife is just me letting off my steam. It's both unhealthy and counterproductive. So what are positive ways you can let off steam?

physical activity, sensory exercise, getting a good sweat. Do something that gives you a sense of control, meditating, prayer, talking to a friend, but find a better avenue than lecturing your kids. And we're going to get into this a little bit more in this next question on being assertive and self-care. So very, very common. I was dismissed as a kid. I've never been heard. And

And a mom said, I believe it is so hard because I got shut up or dismissed as a kid. So I tend to over explain and lose it when I'm not listened to. Plus, I feel like it's my job to convince people with arguments. That's a bad idea. Stop that. And I lack alternatives. So

Think about this. Let's work on the root of some of these childhood issues, right? And you can say, hey, when I was a child, I did not feel valued. My opinions were not respected. My parents did not listen to me. So I felt dismissed, like my thoughts were not important.

But now I'm a grown adult and I have wisdom to share. So I will do that with my kids respectfully in a healthy way. See, you can acknowledge how hard that was for you as a child. And it makes perfect sense that you would feel hurt when you're not listened to. I get that completely.

but let's pivot and say, hey, I'm a grown adult now. I'm aware that I have this trigger. So now I'm going to break the pattern and do it differently with my own kids so they feel heard, not feel like they get away with saying whatever they want, but we get to break that pattern. And so let's learn to be assertive about your needs because you were shut down as a kid. What that tells me is,

you may have gone through life now being kind of a people pleaser saying, oh, it's not important what I want. Let me make everybody else happy. Oh, you know what? It doesn't matter. Just I want to do what you want to do, right? A lot of us do that. Oh, I don't want to ask them for help because I don't want to bother them.

See, that's a pattern for you to break. And so you're going to have to practice this. Start speaking up for what you want. See, being bossy, think about this. A lot of you are, I don't want to be bossy. Being bossy is telling other people what to do. Being assertive.

is telling other people what you're going to do or what you want. See, being assertive is demonstrating self-respect. I have specific certain needs that I know. I have physical, emotional, spiritual needs. And so in order to demonstrate self-respect, I make my needs a priority. That is not selfish at all. What is selfish, if you want me to guilt you a little bit, is mom's.

is this, is when you do everything for everybody else and nothing for yourself, because many of you had that martyr mother, and it sounded like this really virtuous thing of like, oh, I self-sacrifice for everyone else. But what happens is you become resentful and worn down, and then you need your kids to behave. You need them to listen to you. You become very needy because you're not getting your own needs met, and now you need other people to meet your needs or

for you or behave in a certain way so that you can deal with it. No blame and no guilt. This goes back to childhood stuff.

But let's work on that. If you do have our programs and you're a mom, I would go through the Straight Talk for Moms program or the 30 Days to Calm program because we go through that in a lot of depth of practicing being assertive, asking for help, speaking up when people say, hey, what would you like for dinner? What movie do you want to watch? Tell them. Don't defer to everybody else all the time.

Because they'll begin to respect you when you begin to respect yourself. I hope that makes sense. And be very patient with yourself. But also, let's practice that. Oh, here's a really good one. I get exhausted and overwhelmed by the chaos of having three kids. And I rarely feel heard by my spouse and kids. So I end up losing it and then lecturing how they should act...

which is me just trying to feel appreciated and respected. That relates to what we just talked about. So I encourage you with a few things. Simplify your life. Determine what is important and what you value so you're not overwhelmed. Make your priorities very clear and be ruthless about cutting out activities that don't matter.

Practice some self-control. Pick one or two activities that make you feel at peace, calm, important. Begin making your needs important. Practice being assertive with your spouse. Say exactly what you want and need. Be specific and concise. Honey, this is exactly what I need right now. It would really help me a lot if you would do X right now. When you get home,

What could you, I need seven and a half minutes of alone time, right? Because this is a mom with three kids at home and she's overwhelmed.

I need seven and a half minutes of alone time. See, that's very specific. Now it's like a husband. I know. Okay, she needs me to get the kids out of the house. Seven and a half minutes. Oh, I can handle that. I can do that. And then don't apologize for asking people to do things for you and help you. Look, ask your kids to do one thing for you. It could be cooking a meal, moving something, praying.

Practice asking them to do something for you. I'm not talking about doing a chore. Make it more personal and then practice being short and sweet with directions. It'll sound very cold, but I like it to be, hey, jumping on the sofa, uh-uh, not working in my home. But I love your energy. If you want to come help me walk the dog or stir the soup, man, I could really use your help. And then this one, practice stopping.

Practice stopping your talking so much. Practice just holding your tongue. Practice stepping back so your kids can step up. Literally practice not reacting and talking. Now, here's the one I kind of wanted to end on. Mom said, no, I have this problem. And after the moment has passed and I reflect when I'm not upset, I realized my dad used to do this to me.

I wasn't allowed to have the last word or really any word. And now my daughter, it's such a trigger for my angry emotional reactions. I really don't want to do it anymore. Sometimes I stuck in this idea that my kids must listen to me no matter what.

But I don't want them to be adults that do that when they feel disrespected. So here's the beautiful thing moms and dads. You get to break the generational patterns. You get to create a new family tree. You get to become that confident authority figure who allows your kids some independence and ownership within your boundaries. Who knows your job is not to control your kids and not to control all their outcomes.

Your job is not to fix everything for them. That is liberating for everyone. You get to model how to live. You get to drop wisdom on them. You get to learn how to deescalate situations. Try that sitting and coloring. You get to come alongside and teach. You get to discipline decisively. You get to encourage them when they fail.

and encouraging them when they make progress. I know this is hard. I appreciate you digging into this and really working hard at this, but let's make progress in this area. If you need to go back and listen to the last podcast, because this will change your home very quickly. When you begin to master this, because you know what else, when you're mastering this,

you're really dealing with a lot of deeper stuff and childhood issues. I'd encourage you. We have a sale on. If you need help financially, ask Casey. But we go through this in the programs, detailed step-by-step. And I think you'll get a big breakthrough there. It will change your family. And so I honor and respect you so much. You're giving this gift to your kids so they don't grow up and do the same things. So thank you all, moms and dads. Love you all. Thanks for sharing the podcast. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.