Q&A: Kids Interrupt On Phone, Co-Parenting, Kids Who Lose It When Lose Games, Focus in Classroom #466
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So what can you do when your kids interrupt you while you're on the phone? What about kids who are hyper competitive and lose it emotionally when they lose? Usually right in front of all the other parents. How can you co-parent better when you have joint custody? How can you improve focus in the classroom? And I'm also going to address a teen issue, kind of be a little PG-13. So maybe don't let your kids listen to this episode.

But that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big spring sale to get 50% off our programs. We try to make it just like a little bit more than one trip to a therapist's office, but you get 36 hours worth of programs, and they're really effective. You can find that at CelebrateCalm.com. Okay, let's go through some co-parenting issues.

This is how I would frame things with your ex, realizing that you're not going to agree on your parenting approach and they probably won't listen to you because otherwise you'd still be married. Hey, I'm writing to ask your help with a specific idea as a co-parent that I think will help the kids.

And you could say this. I was listening to this podcast and the guy pointed out two things that are tough for kids who spend time in different homes. We have a son who very much likes his routine and structure. He eats the same foods, wears the same clothes, but now he has two bedrooms, two living rooms, and two different sets of expectations. And the podcast guy asked, hey, what if you went to work every day and you had two different bosses with conflicting expectations and goals?

and you didn't know how to be successful or achieve your goals, you'd be frustrated and angry. So he suggested having three common traditions for morning, after school, and before bedtime. Side note, I like traditions because, look, rules tell you what not to do, but a tradition is something that you do every time.

So, X, could we have three traditions that are the same in each of our homes so at least during those three times of day our kids know exactly what to expect? That would provide a level of consistency that would be settling. You can even choose the actual traditions. I don't care.

And I just throw that out because your ex is probably going to accuse you of being controlling and wanting to tell him or her what to do. So you put it in their court. I thought it'd be a good idea. So no matter whose home the kids are in, they always have the same tradition before and after school and at bedtime.

And by the way, you could also get the kids involved and ask them, hey, what are some traditions you'd like to have in each of our homes? Now, a really common question we get is, hey, when our kids or my kids are over at the other parent's house,

Sometimes it's chaotic over there don't have the same rules. So when they come back, they're out of sorts Sometimes they take things out on me and this is common, right? In most cases, there's a parent who's really engaged has very clear rules and expectations and there might be a parent who lets the kids do whatever they want Maybe uses screens as a babysitter and they're generally not as engaged So when a child comes home from the home with less order and structure, they're often out of sorts. So

And they'll sometimes struggle to make that transition and they'll take kind of all that ick and frustration out on the more stable parent. So I would recommend that you have a re-entry tradition, something you do every single time your kids come home from the other parent's house.

Maybe for little kids, it's a treasure hunt to get them outside and running and looking for fun stuff. Maybe it's just painting your nails with your teenage daughter or playing catch with your child. Maybe it's a special snack or just having popcorn sitting on the deck.

Give your kids time to vent and just decompress because it can be really stressful at the other home. There might be another adult the other spouse is dating or even stepbrothers and sisters could be loud and chaotic. Maybe they get yelled at and kind of ignored and that's a lot to process when you're a kid. So maybe your tradition is snuggling together and watching a short show or video together

just to decompress while eating popcorn. Maybe you give them something they're in control of, put together a puzzle together.

or give them some alone time just to decompress. Just read your child in the moment. I would also just give them an opportunity to vent for a period of time, kind of a safety zone, where they can say whatever they want about their other parent without you either piling on, your mom, dad is really, or dismissing it. You can just make neutral statements like, yeah, that would be really frustrating, or I'd feel hurt too.

Anyway, I would try that. Let's start there. We could spend hours on co-parenting, but let's try those two. Okay. Got an extremely competitive child who loves sports. When my child loses, he loses it. And I'm going to expand this to include kids playing all kinds of sports, throwing golf clubs and rackets and bats. So,

Number one, just know it's embarrassing. And if I were you, I would be up in the stands or along the green, you know, in the golf course, shaking my head, fuming, swearing, I'll never let this kid play again after acting like that. All of those feelings are normal and even warranted. But I want you to practice just being completely stoic in these moments.

Stoic, non-emotional, almost like it's someone else's kid because you don't usually react to other people's kids, only your own.

I think I'd want to be like that before matches and even after. It's just a good habit, helpful demeanor that may have an impact. And know that your child will not always react like this. Number two, I would take the extra time and do this. Role play with your child. Role play losing. Practice a new response to missing a putt or making a bad shot.

I used to take kids who played soccer to a local soccer field and I'd shoot on them and I'd score again and again and again, not to rub it in, but to practice the feeling of letting up a goal. And I would then practice a new routine for them. Hey, when you get scored on, you can't let the other guys, girls see you sweat or react.

So you turn around to get the ball from the back of the net. While you're turned around, you can silently utter one curse word up to you parents just to express your frustration or some other word or phrase like reset. But once you pick that ball up, your demeanor changes. You're confident. It doesn't bother you. And you roll that ball back calmly to the ref and you reset yourself.

See, we tend to focus on what the child should not do in those situations. Don't throw your putter. Don't slump your shoulders. Let's focus on what your child can do when he or she makes a bad shot or loses.

Physically practice that on the court over and over again until it becomes new muscle memory. I'd watch if your child plays tennis, watch tennis matches on TV. Notice the body posture. Some tennis players have horrible body language. When they're losing, they'll yell up at their box where the coach is and the opponent knows he's got that guy emotionally on the ropes.

So maybe look up some stats on the percentage of matches that your favorite golfer has won, right? Or a percentage of putts that he misses. For baseball, it's pretty easy. A really good batting average is getting a base hit one out of three times. The idea is to normalize losing and reinforce it doesn't make your child a loser. It simply means they lost the match. And as you're doing this, try to teach them

patiently like it's someone else's kid rather than lecture it impatiently because your kids pick up on negativity and they will shut down. So just stay stuck. Hey, you can do this son. It's hard, but this is what separates the greats from the mediocre players, the mental and emotional game. And by the way, that's pretty true about life too. So many bright gifted people can't put their lives together.

Number three, it's just time. Some of this is simply maturity. You've just got to wait it out, be embarrassed in the stands, know that your child struggles, and it's going to be okay.

By the way, I think I did this on another podcast, but in case you didn't listen to that one, should we ever let our kids quit sports? Yeah. I mean, if it was more of your idea than theirs and you signed them up because, oh, it'd be good if they played team sports. Most of your kids are not very good at team sports. They're really good at individual activities like rock climbing, gymnastics, wrestling,

martial arts swimming Go toward that but if your child just hates a sport don't invest a lot of money in it These kids quit stuff all the time, but you know what quitting is sometimes. It's just making a smart choice Hey, you don't like it. We don't really like it It's not going well and sometimes half of life is just knowing what you're not good at So it's not gonna send a message like we quit at things in life. Don't take it there. Just chill so

So you do, number four, you absolutely have the right to say, hey, if you don't practice losing well as much as you practice your actual stroke or shot, then you're simply not going to play. I have no problem with taking a tough line on this. You don't have to keep paying for expensive sports and traveling for your child to participate.

I would want to try the above things first very patiently to try to get some progress on the emotional side of the game and your game too, right? Your parenting game. That's the big win in life anyway.

If, if, if your child digs in and refuses, well then cut back on the tournaments until your child decides that he or she is going to work on this. But as you're doing it, be stoic and unemotional. So what do you do when your kids continually interrupt you while you're on the phone? That's a tough one.

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Question, my 12-year-old freaks out when I'm talking on the phone and always wants to know who I'm talking to or she butts into conversations between me and my husband. So here's the conversation I would have with your daughter and I love this one. Hey Sarah, we have boundaries in this home.

I get to talk to dad alone because he's my husband. I don't have to tell you who I'm on the phone with. Those are boundaries. But if you want to live without boundaries, I am so all over that. I can't wait for tomorrow.

I'm going to ride the bus to school with you and sit right next to you. And we can walk down the hall together and I'll hold your hand. And lunch will be a blast, eating with you and your friends. And the best part will be after school when I can text with you and your friends all afternoon. I can't wait.

And I promise your daughter will walk away and say, fine, mom, keep your boundaries. I love that. Look, you can be tough with your kids. In that updated Discipline That Works program, there are 10 different discipline tools. The first nine of them are very proactive, very positive. But the 10th one is all about tough discipline with your kids. I just want to do it with no drama.

And this is partly from that program. So here's the other one What do I do when my boys constantly interrupt me when I'm talking on the phone? So I like this a lot Hey boys, we follow the golden rule in our home and that says treat others the way you want to be treated so what you're telling me is that is that you want to be interrupted when you are watching your favorite TV show or playing your favorite video games or

And then go do it. Follow through. Stand right in front of that screen. Talk, talk, talk. This is not being vengeful. It's not being like, you know what? You did this to me. I'm going to do it to you. No. It's just some of your kids will not get the message until they experience it firsthand. By the way, an awesome way to get your kids to leave you and your spouse alone is

alone is just to start kissing in front of them. It'll totally gross them out and maybe spark some closeness between you guys. Anyway, if that's a problem, go through the Calm Couples program. I just updated that as well. Okay, dad wrote, okay, this is a, you know, I'll just say, this is maybe a PG-13 one just

Just for some of you, so I maybe wouldn't let your kids listen to this one. It's nothing awful, but it's a little bit more mature. So a dad wrote and said, hey, our oldest daughter is 17 years old. She's a classic defiant child, always tried to live and experience things 10 years beyond her age. This week, she is now up that when I found a toy vibrator under her bed,

How do I handle that? Okay, so here's my response. I know it can be alarming to a parent, but let me give you an alternative way of looking at this. She's a 17-year-old girl. She is possibly a very sensory kid. She knows it feels good to touch or be touched there. That's just human physiology.

You know what? I told the guy, I was like, you know what that was like when you were 15. And so some girls and boys discover this at a very young age. Don't freak out about this or shame a kid for it. Be a grown up. Don't react out of your anxiety and get your kids to feel shame because they just figured out that it feels really good because it does feel really good. Number two, I was raised in a very conservative Christian community. So I understand the freak out here.

But this can be very healthy. So she's an adolescent girl who likes how that feels. If she bought it for herself and uses that for pleasure or stress relief, that could be a very positive thing. It's way better than vaping, drugs, alcohol, edibles. It doesn't hurt anyone. It feels good. It releases stress.

And what I'm getting to is I'm not justifying you handle however you want, but don't freak out about these things and really give it some thought before you react and go in and create all kinds of drama and shame over it. Because she could just be using it for that. And that's way better than drinking and doing drugs. It's a great way to cope with stress.

And here's perspective. My mother-in-law had her first kid at 15. She was having sex at a young age. So we don't have to freak out that as a 17-year-old, a 17-year-old is seeking pleasure when most of our ancestors were having sex like in their early teens or tweens. So here's more perspective. If your daughter is using this with a boyfriend, and yeah, I know that's hard to conceive of as a dad. You don't even want to think about it.

They may be using this instead of actual intercourse. And that would actually be a really smart choice. She can't get pregnant, less likely to get a disease that way. And I know there's some other things that could be going on as well, but this is a family podcast. I'm trying to point out that sometimes our initial reaction, if we just barge into the child's room, no matter how old they are,

is usually just filled with our own anxiety and fear. But if we think beyond that, we can make this something constructive. Look, many women were never allowed to explore what felt good to them physically or sexually as girls or women. And later on, they could never really experience sexual pleasure as much

as they wanted. And I know a lot of moms listening, you get that, right? So maybe your daughter is using this to discover what does feel good. So later on, I know this isn't your concern right now, especially as a dad, but later on she'll have more satisfying sex as a woman. So slow down.

Get some perspective on this before bursting into her bedroom, demanding to know, what are you doing with this? And then getting a look of contempt from your daughter. Don't you think it's pretty obvious what I do with that? Duh.

This is a mom-daughter conversation if one is even needed. Take your time on this so you don't make accusations and put her on the defensive. I would listen to this other podcast. It's called, it's one we did in August 28th of 2024.

tough talks with kids, stealing, sneaking things at night, vaping, and porn. Because I want you to use this as an opportunity to learn, to teach, because that's what discipline means to me. So here's a good question. How can we improve focus in the classroom?

Now, I've been through this in so many different episodes on tools to give your kids, but here are some things that you could actually help teachers with. And if you do have our programs, especially that part of the package, ADHD University Program, email us because we can send that specific program to your child's teachers and it is filled with practical ideas they can use. So here's a few.

Because look, when you force a child to sit still and their bodies, look, your kid's bodies are craving sensory pressure, physical movement, right?

Many times they'll spend that time preoccupied with moving and not actually hearing anything the teacher says. So all that energy and concentration you want on the lesson is instead put into not moving. Kids need to move and fidget and doodle appropriately. It's a great way to learn. It's good for them. So here are a few examples from real life classrooms where

where we taught all across the country. And you can share these with a child's teachers. We had a really great teacher in Atlanta. Noticed his teachers beginning to fade as spring weather bloomed outside. He decided to teach them how to skip count. 6, 12, 18, 24, 7, 14, 21, 28.

by having the students do a different exercise for each number. When counting by sixes, the students did jumping jacks. For sevens, they did squats. You want to know what blew this teacher away? Watching his students practice their new math skills at recess while jumping and squatting and moving.

This is cool. We worked with this teacher in Michigan. She has kids move in slow motion to teach new skills because that's more fun and it's a way to keep the kids focused but still moving. So when they were learning how to multiply fractions or memorize geography facts, they had to move in slow motions.

Get kids moving, have them stand up, toss a ball. Like when you ask a question, toss them a ball, they have to catch it, toss it back. You can use stations. Some kids do really well standing in the back of class. Some kids do a really much better work if they're allowed to sit underneath their desk. You just put boundaries of like, hey, you don't get to touch the other people's feet and distract anybody. We had a teacher in Austin, Texas who

who trust more energetic students to lead certain exercises, both physical and mental, to begin the day and sometimes in between subjects. So they play hangman, mind twisters, and Simon says, by the way, Simon says games, great for sensory needs. Simon says, squeeze your elbows really tightly.

Simon says touch your left knee with your right hand. You're moving across the midline of the body. Cross-brain stimulation, really good for focus. Give your students, especially those who like to chew, brain food, right? Good food that they can chew in class. We did this thing way back in the day in New York City public schools where gum was not allowed according to the city rules. And so we took in...

uh wrigley's gum but we didn't call gum we called it memory sticks because there are no prohibitions against memory sticks and we gave it to the kids while taking tests and the teacher would say hey i'm giving you this memory stick because it's going to help you remember all those things i taught you chewing it has three benefits and this is why i like you using at homework time where a child can stand at the kitchen counter listening to music eating a snack chewing stimulates the brain

Just think how close the jaw is to the brain. It brings blood flow to the brain. It relieves anxiety. And it helps kids get into a rhythm when working and chewing at the same time. Plus, it helps some kids slow down rather than rushing through tests. Okay.

I'm going to end it right there because that's enough for you today. So let's practice some of those things in your home. And even if it didn't apply directly, take the thought process behind it. Slow down. Think how your child's brain works. Work with their nature. Come up with creative ways to make this work. And if we can help you in any way, let us know. Hey, we love you. Respect you for doing this hard work. Bye-bye.