Raising A Resilient, Responsible Child (Even When They Thrash About!) #458
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So how do you not react when your child is in a bad mood or slamming dresser drawers? How do you not jump in when you could easily fix the situation? How do you not get triggered when your child lashes out and then acts like nothing has happened? And most importantly, how can you raise not just a happy kid, but a child who feels confident handling the inevitable frustration life brings?

because we want resilient, responsible kids. So that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. This is the final week of our Black Friday in March sale. So I hope you take advantage of that. So

I want your kids, I know you're going to be bothered by this, but I want your kids feeling upset, frustrated, distressed, because it represents a huge opportunity to teach them that their discomfort is a normal part of life, not to be escaped or avoided. And I want to give them tools so they learn, yeah, this is hard.

and I am capable of working through hard things because that builds confidence and resilience.

Most of us as adults have learned to escape uncomfortable feelings, sometimes from eating, sometimes from drinking. That's why we as men often dismiss our wife's emotions. Oh, honey, it's no big deal. Because what I'm really saying is your feelings and distress make me really uncomfortable. So I need you to change your mood so that I can handle it. And that's not healthy.

So would it be awesome if your child just woke up happy and ready for the day? Of course.

But I am not in this for my child's short-term happiness. I want to build inside them the grit and capability to be responsible for themselves. So how do we do that? We step back from controlling their moods and behavior so they can step up and be responsible for themselves. We refuse to fix situations for them and instead give them tools to handle it themselves and

And one of the most important tools is for them to simply watch you navigate the ups and downs and curves thrown by everyday life.

Because we do way too much talking and lecturing, not enough confident modeling. Your kids are watching you every day. How you handle changes to your plans. People cutting you off in traffic. A spouse being moody. A project getting messed up. You failing at a task. You succeeding.

We forget that lions and tigers and bears and animals teach their young without ever uttering a word of instruction. They lead, they model, they show. Look, that includes you messing up.

Our son watched me mess up so many times, but then he watched me kind of scratch and claw and figure this out and humble myself. And that was the most important lesson he really learned in life. So let's demonstrate this in a very practical, real-life way. Mom told me this story. She said, I listen to your programs continually because I never know what my intense, strong-willed daughter is going to throw at me.

When I got up this morning, my daughter marched downstairs filled with drama. I don't know what I want to eat. I don't know what I want to wear. I don't know where my homework is. And so this mom's first instinct, like all of us, was to jump in and solve the problem. Because moms and dads, you know exactly how to fix this quickly. Oh, honey, listen, I'll make you breakfast. I'll lay out your clothes. You go look for your homework.

Because that's way easier than dealing with your child's emotions and wondering if they'll be able to handle it on their own. So sometimes we jump in and we solve problems for our kids. But if we're honest, we're not really doing it for them. We're kind of doing it for ourselves. Because that's just easier for us and the other siblings in our household to

But in the end, it ends up handicapping our kids because we end up being responsible for them. And you know this principle. When we step back, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. When we step back from lecturing, micromanaging, and fixing situations, it gives kids an opportunity to step up and learn how to handle tough situations.

And that's what builds competence, right? So they're good at it. That builds confidence and then resilience and a belief deep inside. Oh, I can handle stuff in life.

So instead of jumping in and solving this situation for her daughter, this mom stepped back. Now, side note, when I began doing this, I would actually physically force myself to take a step backward as kind of a physical reminder because my instinct, whenever anything was going on, whether it was defiance or him melting down, was to lean in and actually step forward to exercise control.

So the mom told me that she had been listening on the app and one of the phrases she heard me say was, oh, of course this situation is really tough, but I believe you're capable of using your creativity to come up with a solution. So she looked at her daughter and said in that matter-of-fact tone, hey, I believe you're capable of handling this situation yourself.

And then the mom walked away and gave her daughter some space. And I know this is really hard to do because you're relinquishing control of the situation, or at least your illusion of control. So in that moment, by all means, moms and dads,

Go and clean something. Organize a closet because that gives you a sense of control. But I love the phrase, I believe you're capable, right? I believe you're capable of completing that assignment, of going to that new class even though you're nervous, of handling that hard situation with your sister or with your friend, right?

So like your kids, her daughter stomped upstairs and that's grading on you, isn't it? Right? Like where's her gratitude? How dare she begin the day in such a huff?

Then this little girl went to her bedroom and guess what she did? Exactly what our son used to do. She slammed her bedroom door and began slamming her dresser drawers open and shut, looking for just the right clothes because she's really particular like a lot of our sensory kids. And that's when you want to stomp upstairs yourself and yell, you know what? You don't have to respect me, young lady, but you're going to respect my furniture. I used to do that. Have you ever done that? We all have.

So this mom stepped back and gave her daughter some space to work through her own frustration without a parent standing over her, barking about what emotions she can and cannot have, about how she needs to be grateful, about how you should have planned better for the morning, and if you had, you wouldn't be all frustrated.

How many times do we do that? It has nothing to do with your child. That has everything to do with you, with me, because we don't like the way our kids do things. And if she was more or he was more of a planner and more like me, we wouldn't be having to go through all of this chaos and frustration in the morning. Why does it have to be so difficult? I know those things course through your head.

But I will promise you, moms and dads, the moment of your liberation will come the sooner you stop pointing the finger at your difficult, challenging child and start controlling and changing yourself. And you will begin seeing your kids step up and be responsible for themselves. And you'll stop with so many of the power struggles. Look, I believe 70 to 80% of the power struggles in our homes originate with our own control issues, our own anxiety.

trying to control or fix other people's emotions. Here's the really good news. That means 70 to 80% of these situations in your home are actually in your control, not by controlling your child, but by controlling yourself because how can you expect your kids to be able to control themselves if you can't control yourself?

No blame, no guilt, no excuses. Let's just work on that. Look, when you have a bad day, do you want your spouse standing over you lecturing about how you should be grateful for everything you have? Sometimes you just need some space to work through it. So after about eight or 10 minutes of thrashing about in her room,

Her daughter emerged from the room, walked down the stairs with a smile on her face as if nothing had happened. And that's a huge trigger for you, isn't it? Because that's the way our kids are. They can thrash around and throw things and be upset and call you stupid. And six minutes later, walk downstairs as if nothing had happened.

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So are you expecting your child to come downstairs and say, mom, dad, I'm really sorry that earlier I was so out of control. It was my fault that I hadn't planned well. I'm sorry I blamed you because I couldn't pick out my own clothes. I'm sorry that hurt you. Well, they're not going to say that partially because what they are internalizing is this.

I don't know why I do these things, but I'm not always great at controlling myself. So I say mean things and I do stupid things like throwing my stuff and I get in trouble a lot. And I feel really bad about myself. I actually feel like you don't like me that much because you like my brother better because he's easier and he does what you ask him to do. I never see him upset and out of control. And so I feel embarrassed and ashamed by my behavior. And sometimes I just feel helpless to change. So I'm sorry."

And I know you'd like to hear the apology, but your child doesn't have the emotional maturity to do that yet. But if you get inside of her heart, you will know that when your child is slamming her drawers, she is beating herself up inside for being out of control. And she's feeling helpless. It's kind of like she's slamming herself.

I felt that myself inside, that helplessness as a dad, not knowing like, why am I doing this? Like I'm a grown man. I can run a company. I'm successful in all these different areas, but I can't even do this simple thing.

So when your daughter walks downstairs and smiles and says, hey, I've got it taken care of, have a good day. That's all just a defensive response to hide the embarrassment. And if we jump right on her in that moment, we miss something really important.

She's walking downstairs with this battle going on inside her heart and mind, alternating between beating herself up and feeling proud of herself for actually pulling it together. And if we just focus on how she was disrespectful and out of control, it further reinforces the shame and the helplessness. And I know you're inside, you're fuming like, what just happened?

But instead of standing there indignantly waiting for that apology that's owed to you, what I really want you to see is here was a kid who 10 minutes ago was out of control. She's got this busy brain and things feel like they're out of control inside. She's more intense and emotional, maybe more creative a kid. And it feels like everything's out of control in her life. And she was thrashing about, but she pulled herself together.

And what we miss in the moment is a huge opportunity to acknowledge in a really low-key but confident way, hey, I'm really proud of you for pulling yourself together and handling that by yourself. See, really picture that for a moment. A young child or it could be a teenager who's towering over you

is kind of doing that walk of shame, so to speak, right? Walking back into the living room or kitchen after all this tension and drama, right?

And she's afraid that the authority figure in her life, whether that's a parent, a teacher, a coach, a grandparent, another adult, is going to once again point out how she's always been so defiant, moody, and out of control because that's the dominating narrative in her brain.

But she's hoping that just once the authority figure will see the better angels of her nature will acknowledge that was really impressive, shows me you're growing up. Now, when I was writing that, here's what it sounded like in my head, the way I talked to our grown son when he overcomes some obstacle or handles a situation in a mature way. And I hope this doesn't offend you.

But he's a grown man. This is how we talk because we're boys. We're men. I'll be like, F yeah, Casey, you're a beast. Or if I really want to reinforce, I'll be like, you're an effing beast. And you can't say that to your four-year-old.

But you can say it with that kind of intensity and pride. Like, yeah, heck yeah, that's how we do it around here. That's my son. That's my daughter. That intensity and that affirming nature, even with Casey as old as he is, I can see inside that sparks something in him. That means something that his dad has noticed or his mom has noticed. Hey, that's how you do it in life.

Fist bump. Well done. Can you see what you are building in this child? Yeah, you struggle because you're an intense, highly sensitive, emotional kid. And sure, it takes a few minutes, but then you process it and you deal with it. And I'm proud of you. See, you are acknowledging competence and progress. And you could insert and say this if it's true. Shoot, I can't even do that. It takes me like an hour to calm down.

But how many moments do we miss out because we're spending all this time focusing on our agenda and our anxiety over their actions or needing that apology from a kid? So let me throw this out there, even though you may bristle at it a little bit, because I believe this to be true.

The fact that she went up to her room and found her stuff and pulled herself together, that was her apology. Our strong-willed kids are not going to come down and use the words we want. I'm really sorry. Look, who wants to relive what they just did? I don't. Now, maybe later they will, but in this moment...

She just apologized by changing, by pulling it all together. And we'll spend all day obsessing over something your child spends all day ashamed of. Let me say that again. No guilt and blame in this, but I just want us to kind of get out of ourselves a little bit so we can see the situations more clearly.

We spend all day obsessing over something that your child spends all day ashamed of. And that can be just any behavior. Could be that they're getting into things in the teen years. Please don't feel the need to make everything a lesson and talk about it unless you don't want your kids ever talking to you again.

What if instead you sent her a note that said, hey, you know, it was cool this morning. I know you struggled, but you pulled yourself out of it. And guess what? I don't even do that all the time. See, you could build on this by one, continuing to model in your own life how to handle frustration in healthy ways. And that includes when you mess up, apologizing and then you working on yourself and

And then second thing is you can show your daughter, your son different ways to handle their frustration. And you know our process, motion changes emotion, giving them some kind of movement or physical activity, something very sensory to do, giving your kids something they're in control of, teach them how to do that.

Do you realize what a gift this mom gave her daughter? You know what she was communicating? I believe in you. I believe that you're capable. You have the internal resources necessary to handle tough situations in life without me fixing it for you. That works with boredom. Don't fix your kid's boredom because what you're really saying is, I believe you're capable of using your creativity to solve your own

own boredom, to handle that situation with your sibling. See, that builds confidence. That builds resilience in your child because there's a sense of accomplishment. See, what was beautiful about this scene was that it didn't look pretty at first. And that's not what life is supposed to look like. It's ugly.

We're all flawed, really broken people in relationship with other flawed, broken people. It's going to be ugly. But by the end of the scene, this daughter had accomplished something that maybe she'd never accomplished before.

She was given the space to pull herself together and process through her emotions. She did it. And now she has the knowledge that she is responsible for her choices in life. That is a beautiful gift. And there's so much respect in this. I respect you, son or daughter, enough to believe that you're capable of handling disappointment and boredom and frustration without me fixing everything for you.

Now quickly be aware the opposite is true. When we micromanage our children, what we're really saying is, I don't really believe you're capable. You need me to fix this situation for me. And that's why I need you, want you, I don't need you, your kids need you to step back. When you try to micromanage a strong-willed child, you will cause them to resist even more. So it may be appropriate to apologize to your kids immediately.

hey, I apologize. Out of a good heart and good intentions, I've led you to believe that you aren't capable of being successful on your own. And you could ask them, and I encourage you, if your kids are old enough for this, just say, hey, do I micromanage? Does it ever feel like I lecture you too much? And then listen to what they say.

And then you can just say, you know what? I'm sorry from that. From now on, I'm going to step back a little bit and I'm going to give you some space and I'm going to respect the fact that you are capable. One of the most important parts of this story is what the mom communicated to her child. Even when your world is out of control, honey, when you're struggling, I can handle it.

I can handle your emotions and distress without having to deny them, fix them, or make them go away. And that guarantees your kids will come to you whether they are 4 or 9 or 12 or 14 or 28 or 38.

See, instead of burying their troubles or seeking self-destructive behaviors like some teens do, or just going onto social media and getting help from their random teenage friends who don't always have good advice, they know this. I have a parent who can handle me when I'm having a rough time, even when I'm defined, even when I'm a little bit mouthy. I have a parent who can control himself or herself easily.

And now I know I can do the same. That's pretty cool. So let's practice that this week purposefully. Find a situation, probably it's going to happen later today, where you have an opportunity to step back,

Purposefully do not fix situations for your kids and begin to communicate. I believe you're capable of handling this. You can say, I've seen it before. Point out to when they have done that. And you can always add, hey, let me know if you need some help figuring out how to do that. I'll throw in a bonus one here.

If you struggle in a certain way, you could say, hey, let's do a little thing deal here. You've probably noticed I struggle in X area. So I'm going to start working on that. Hey, what are a couple of things I could begin doing? Right. Especially if you let your kids listen to our podcast or our programs regularly.

They're going to know our strategies better than you because they're not fighting through like 30 and 40 and 50 years of all the junk that you and I have to like deprogram ourselves from. Your kids get this stuff really quickly.

Hey, mom, why don't we have a code word? Hey, mom, that guy talks about motion changes motion, giving something you're in control of. I know you like to control like the dishes or the dishwasher or whatever. They'll come up with something. It may offend you a little bit. And you're like, am I really like that? And you can just be honest and live your life in front of them. And you do this together as a family, right?

That's really, that's the most beautiful part of this is that everybody together in your family is basically learning the same skills. It's just that they're learning it like 30 years earlier than you and I are learning it. So moms and dads, you know I have a lot of respect for you. You're breaking generational patterns. You are creating a new family tree and I'm proud of you. I respect you. Look, we love you all. If we can help in any way, let us know, okay? Oh,

final week of the Black Friday in March sale. So take advantage of that. All right, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.