Tough Discipline Your Kids Will Respect (Without Being Mean) #455
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So what can you do if your kids simply are not listening to you or taking you seriously? How can you be tough without being mean or making it personal? What if your kids are late, defy you, won't do their chores or get off screens? That is

is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us and our Black Friday sale in March at CelebrateCalm.com. So when I mentioned the word discipline, what feeling does that word evoke in you? For many of us, it's a negative connotation with thoughts of an upset or angry parent, yelling or spanking, sending kids to their room,

Oftentimes, it spouses struggling to be on the same page, and that causes a lot of tension. A lot of us don't even want to discuss discipline because then it brings up reminders of being judged by our parents or family members or church who insist discipline means one particular thing. But discipline means to teach, to model how to make choices and live. Discipline is an opportunity to teach your kids and demonstrate personal integrity.

discipline is something you do for your child, not to them. Because the best discipline is self-discipline. When you can teach your kids how to control their own behavior, then you don't have to make them behave. So here are three questions I like to ask when I discipline. Number one, have I shown my child how to control himself or herself

first by modeling it myself. We have to show, we have to teach, we have to train. And sometimes we do that by example. And for some of us, that's really hard, but it's the most important part. Number two, have I given my child tools to make a different choice next time? Because a lot with behavior, it's usually, well, they misbehave, we react and we say, hey, if you don't stop that, here's your consequence. But we don't really stop to give them tools. And I'd rather give kids tools to succeed than

rather than just waiting for them to mess up and giving consequences. Number three, have I built a closer, more trusting relationship with my child? Because I don't believe it has to be this either or thing, right? It's either like, well, if you have a good relationship, it means you're not being tough enough with him. No, I think you can be tough and have a trusting relationship with your child. So those are my guiding questions. Now, here's why I'm hesitant to cover tough discipline questions.

in this podcast. See, we've got these downloadable programs and there's like 36 hours of practical strategies covering every aspect of daily life with numerous options for different situations and ages. But this podcast is gonna be about 22 minutes long, so I can't possibly provide all of the relevant context. Even the brand new Discipline That Works program, which I love, it's two and a half hours long.

And there are nine other discipline strategies that come before we get to number 10 on tough discipline. And those other nine steps are even more important. And these include connection, modeling self-control, teaching kids impulse control, giving kids tools to succeed, creating successes, affirming for good choices and more. And those are all critical.

I would say overall, if you are using the tough approach too much, then something's off and we need to focus more on mastering the other steps first. In some cases, though, you may have let things kind of get out of hand and the kids are kind of running things. And there's no blame or no guilt. We just have to change that dynamic.

And you could begin with an apology. Hey, I apologize for leading you to believe that you can do whatever you want and that we'd never actually keep our word. Being tougher is an opportunity. So let me share three ideas with you. Number one, I want you to do what you said you were going to do. Do what you say you're going to do. Keep your promise. And this is foundational to me.

So this is a tough discipline tool I used in the mornings to get Casey to school on time. It wasn't the only tool I used, but I called it time for time. I always like trying the other softer approaches first, like hiding breakfast, a treasure hunt, connection, giving kids tools to get up and be on time before I go kind of the hardcore route. So I'd say, hey, Casey, here's the deal. We need to leave every morning at 7.23 a.m. sharp.

Every minute you are late getting in the car costs me a minute of my time, makes me late for work, and my time is valuable. So for every minute you take from me, you will choose to forfeit 15 minutes of your screen time at night. So the choice is up to you. Let me know if you need help getting ready in the morning.

Now notice the tone is firm, even. Matter of fact, it's even a little bit more stern this time. Stern isn't mean. It just conveys, hey, I'm serious about this. Don't mess with me. And that provides clarity. You know, one of the things I think, and sometimes like really sweet parents, well, you know, it's really important that you learn how, and we talk and talk and try to convince our kids, but then what they're, it gets confusing sometimes.

And so when I'm more direct and matter of fact, that provides clarity so my child knows exactly what we want. And I do like this language of like, hey, if you're late, you will have chosen to forfeit 15 minutes of your screen time because they do have a choice here. You as the parent are demonstrating self-respect.

My time is important. That's true. And what you're saying is, look, I can't always tell you what you are going to do, but I can tell you what I am going to do. And there's respect that is inherent in here. I believe you are capable of being ready on time.

Now, Casey's response, of course, was, why do I lose 15 minutes for one minute of your time? That's not fair. And the answer is, I don't play fair. I play to win. And honestly, my time is more important than his. And look, I don't go the consequences route very often. But when I do, I make sure it is meaningful.

And again, I am not against consequences. I am against thinking that consequences are a really effective tool because in many cases they just aren't. And that's why I spend so much time giving kids tools, connecting all those other ways to do it. But in this case, this works. So the first morning we tried this, he got in the car and he was three minutes late.

I didn't lecture. I didn't get on him. By the way, none of the snotty tone stuff. You know what? We wouldn't have to do this if you could get ready on time. I don't know why you have such poor time management, even though you have ADHD. Like the snotty tone doesn't work. I'm just talking to my child like an adult. So he gets in three minutes late. I hold up my phone and he immediately got upset.

Seriously, Dad? Seriously? Three minutes late? That's good for me. And he was right. It was progress. Look, you could say this time, hey, I'm going to give you a mulligan, a do-over, because this was the first morning. Tomorrow, this choice being three minutes late will cost you 45 minutes.

And I could offer to help him with more tools in the morning, but you don't have to. And in this case, I didn't. So I simply said, hey, that's better for sure. You still chose to lose 45 minutes of your screen time tonight. Now, needless to say, that car ride to school was not all that pleasant. And that's normal. It's okay. It's tense. It's uncomfortable. Your child's not happy with you.

That's normal. Now, this is classic Casey. Along the way, he says, I don't know why anybody would think you're a parenting expert. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Right? And I didn't react. Why? Because he wasn't mad at me. He was mad at himself for messing up and being late. So,

So that night, I simply reminded him that he'd chosen to lose 45 minutes of screen time that morning. And he, of course, said, Father, thank you for being consistent and following through. It makes me feel safe as a child. Yeah, that didn't happen, and that's okay. He wasn't happy. I just said, hey, see you in the morning at 723. And he did much better at that. But here's the principle I want you to practice over and over again.

Simply do what you said you were going to do. Keep it short and sweet and clear. Even, matter of fact, non-emotional, business-like tone. No drama, no lectures, no snotty tone, no resentment, no talking about your childhood and how difficult it was and everything you do for your child. If you're doing too much for your child, that is your issue. Stop doing so much, but don't put that on them.

Do not take it personally and do not make it personal, right? With like, you know what? If you don't learn how to be on time, you're never going to be successful in life. None of that.

Just become the trusted parent they can count on. Now, this is interesting. Before I revise this new program, and those of you who have the program in the app, the new program is in there. And all the new programs that I update, I put new in front of it so you know that it's updated. And I try to go through all of them on a regular basis.

So before I revise this program, I did ask Casey because he's grown now. I said, which tough discipline tools were most impactful to you? And he said, this time for time lesson was, quote, harsh but valuable. He also said, when you kept your promise to me and I got really upset or tried to draw you into my misery, you know,

You just stayed firm. You didn't get upset or shake your head or escalate the situation like you did when I was younger. And how it's benefited me today is that I am really good now at being on time for work events so people can count on me.

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So at live events, I used to joke about the dad who tells his kids, hey, Legos need to be picked up off the floor in the next 13 minutes because I always like interesting time limits with odd numbers because it sticks in the brain more. Hey, Legos need to be picked up off the floor in the next 13 minutes or I'm going to build a bonfire in the backyard and burn your Legos.

But too many guys took me seriously. So what I do like about this fun example is that the kids won't listen until they see smoke coming up from the backyard. And then they realize, oh crap, he meant it. So here's a common example. Hey, I'm going to give you 47 minutes to play your video games. Set your timer.

Because when I come into the room after 47 minutes, the video games need to be turned off. If I even hear a whisper of arguing or, hold on, hold on, we need to save it, we need to get into the next level, then I promise you, see, I like those words, I promise you that you will have chosen to lose your video games for the next three days.

As long as that's a reasonable expectation based on the age of your child, then simply do what you promised you would do. There's no need to lecture or get snotty when they have inevitably meltdown over this. You know what? I warned you guys, and if you would have listened to me, we wouldn't have to go through this. No, you're keeping your promise. See, that's the personal integrity thing.

piece of this that was extremely valuable to me when Casey was young because I never wanted to lie to him and I wanted him to know, hey, when I tell you something, I mean it. I'm just not doing it with drama. Now, this is cool. Dad just emailed and said, I always thought I was good at the tough discipline, but I learned two things while going through your programs. One, I wasn't really being tough.

I was acting out of frustration and anger. And if I'm being honest, there was also helplessness because I didn't have any other tools.

It's been about four months now since we got your programs and I use the first nine discipline strategies 98% of the time so I rarely ever have to use the tougher approach now But when I do it's not personal anymore Well done dad moms and dads you guys are crushing it at this. I really I mean, it's awesome Okay, number two

I will tell you one time and then I will take decisive action. Now, this one can be tricky because I don't always expect kids to listen the first time or be immediately obedient. I've done a podcast on that, so look that up. I think it's a false expectation, especially of strong-willed kids and also of yourself as a parent. But there are times when you can tell your child, hey,

I'm going to tell you one time, I expect you to do what I say, and if you do not, I will simply take action or keep my promise."

What I want to counter here are the endless arguments, negotiations, rationalization, trying to convince our kids to do things. We can't. Sometimes you just quietly but decisively take action. Let me just give you one example of this. You have a very clear rule in your home that smartphones must be turned in by 9 p.m. every night.

but your child refuses to turn in his or her smartphone at 9 p.m. Now, you could be patient and ask, hey, do you have a specific reason for an exception this time? And that's okay to ask. Or maybe your child just wants to keep texting for a bit because there's an event they're planning with friends.

But ultimately, I still want your child to ask, hey, mom, dad, we're planning a surprise party for David this weekend. Could I have an extra 30 minutes tonight to finish this? See, that's reasonable to me, and I want to teach kids how to do this. But in this case, your child stubbornly refuses to turn in his or her phone. Look, I'm not going to create drama. I'm not going to knock down or bang the door. I'm not going to get into some endless conversation or negotiation.

I simply disable their phone with the router or my phone, or I call Verizon to cancel the line. I don't care how or if you do this. Just know that getting sucked into endless conversations and arguments over things like this can simply erode their respect for you.

Take action. And then when they inevitably come downstairs screaming about their service not working, you can just respond with something short and sweet. I was very clear. Now, I hope this doesn't offend you, but it falls under the category of communicating. Don't F with me on this. Right. I'm not going to say that to my kids. Like, don't F with me.

But the tone is that I don't mess around with this. And when I tell you something, I mean it. Now, you have to be judicious in where you draw the line because not everything can be, you know, I was serious about this. You can't do it for like 18 different things. Choose wisely.

So I don't want you going old school authoritarian and being personally harsh. But sometimes you do have to be decisive and matter-of-fact.

I'm the grown-up here, and I'm not messing around with this. And you know I'm endlessly patient with our strong-willed kids. I understand that anxiety causes defiance, and I lead kids to calm. But there are situations when a child will just flatly declare, you can't tell me what to do with my video games. And in those situations, oh, I'm going very decisive. Those video games are gone. Endless talks are sometimes very counterproductive.

Please also understand that it's really hard to be this decisive if you don't have a good relationship with your child. And that's why all the previous steps come before this. You can't always be yelling and screaming or not really liking your child. And they know that and come in and try a tough approach. It's just not going to work.

But I want to reassure you that you're not being harsh. You're not being a mean parent if you're a matter of fact and take decisive action. I just don't get personal or hurtful. You know what? You're such a defiant little snot. You've never listened to me. I don't know how you're ever going to make it in life. None of that. Okay, number three, declare martial law. So let's say your kids don't do their chores.

And I talk in part of the program about giving kids ownership of their chores, paying siblings to do them, or expanding your list to responsibilities outside the home.

I don't personally think chores are as important as most parents do, as long as I have a child who is responsible in different areas of life. But if this is important to you, here are a couple of tough approaches when kids don't do their chores, or I might add in also to just start swearing. So, hey, every day I ask you to contribute to the home or family life with three specific chores. In return...

I run three services in this home, a taxi service, a food service, an entertainment service, not to mention the 18 other things that you do for your kids, right? I take you places, make you food, and buy you things. From now on, here's how it works. If you don't do your three chores, I won't do mine. Look, there's nothing wrong with that. You just have to be willing to follow through without lectures and negotiations.

You can just hold up three fingers as a reminder, just not one finger. But you just become, hey, this is how I roll from now on. And so come up with a phrase or words that work for you. I really, that just came naturally. Hey, this is just how I roll in my home. I don't need you to like it, right?

Right. I'm looking, I'm not being just, you know, this, I'm not just being an arbitrary jerk, right? Like I'm the authority figure in a home. I get to choose what I do and you have to be the obedient little servant. That's not my approach, but there are certain times where I just say, this is how I roll. And this is how it's going to work. You know, I, I thought of this one with, um, uh, the kids swearing. Hey, so a kid starts swearing.

And again, I don't get freaked out when older kids swear because it just kind of happens. But let's say they're younger or let's just say it's not appropriate or that that's your preference. You can say, huh?

Since you are now using adult words, that means you want adult responsibilities. So on Saturday morning, instead of playing and being with your friends, we're so glad you'll be helping us do yard work, clean the bathrooms, take out the trash and run errands because that's what adults do.

And I always get the question, like I posted that once on Instagram. Someone's like, well, I just washed their mouth out with soap. You know, the strong-willed child is probably going to be like, oh, could we use Irish spring? Doesn't always work. So let's say it's Saturday morning and your kids haven't done what you expected all week long. You can declare martial law, so to speak, and just have paper towels, cleaning products, and such out.

Hey, you guys did not do what we asked of you this week. So, no electronics, no screens, no friends until you clean all the toilets and showers to our satisfaction. Then, you may have the rest of the day to play. Whatever it is that you choose, just be reasonable and be resolute. Say very few words and stick to it. People don't respect threats or words. They respect decisive action.

This is kind of interesting. This is what a strong-willed child told her parents. The mom wrote and said, Kirk, we were at our wits end with the kids never listening. And I know this is probably wrong, but we finally said, here, listen to this and tell us what you think. And we let the kids listen to the tough discipline section of the program. And afterward, our strong-willed child said, unbelievable.

I would actually respect you more if you were specific like this guy. Instead of just yelling general threats, I know you won't keep. I can at least trust this guy because he does what he says and I know exactly what to expect.

And the parents said, we were floored. We hadn't realized we were just throwing out kind of random idle threats to see what would stick. So moms and dads, I want you to have a plan. I would encourage you, work through those programs. We have that Black Friday sale going on. And you'll have scripts and an action plan. Let your kids listen to this podcast, to our programs, and they'll take more ownership over their own behavior. Okay.

I hope this week, I know this week, you're going to have a chance to practice using some of these scripts with a tough discipline. You can do it, moms and dads. So much respect for you. Thanks for listening to the podcast and thanks for sharing it with others. Talk to you next time. Love you all. Bye-bye.