What It’s Like To Be A Mom…From A Mom #472
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Go to skylightcal.com for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-C-A-L.com. So what is it like to be a mom?

I don't know. I've never been one. So this podcast episode is going to be very different. I wanted to share the reflections and insights of a real-life mom, not an expert mom or someone who has it all together. A real-life mom named Jess from New England. She took a lot of time to share this with me and I want to share her thoughts verbatim with no changes for three reasons. One,

because her voice, like yours, deserves to be heard and respected and honored. Number two, I think this will encourage a lot of moms. Anytime you are feeling down, just play this again and hear her words or maybe talk about this with your friends and siblings. Number three, you may want to ask your husband or even if you have kind of grown older kids to listen or actually request that they do. Hey,

Here's what I'd really like for Mother's Day, for you to listen and understand my experience. Look, a lot of us as men, we're simply clueless about what you experience in life. So that's what we're going to discuss on this very special episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. We've got our Mother's Day sale starting now. You can also find us on Facebook, TikTok, and iTunes.

especially Instagram, the Calm Parenting Podcast. That's where I first encountered the dynamo of a human that is just from New England. And here are her words. I hope you find this really helpful. I think that being a mom is to be a person rebuilding herself.

It is to be a person completely deconstructed and broken down. Maybe moms are like a phoenix. Just becoming a mom can be hard itself. There are adoptive moms, foster moms, moms that have gone through infertility and IVF, moms who struggled for years just to find a partner, and moms who are doing it alone either by choice or by circumstance.

But even moms who seem to have the perfect life on the outside, whatever we deem that to be, are struggling. To be a woman is to struggle. Yes, we have more resources and awareness, but so many of us were brought up in an age where a child's feelings were not really considered or even important.

So now as moms, we carry that sort of feeling of unimportance about ourselves. Who am I and who cares? Or does anyone really care? We put our own needs last because that's what we were taught to do. We base our own sense of worth on how we serve people and who needs us.

We leave our own cups completely empty and give it all to the people around us because that's what we believe is right. We don't grieve the lives we have lived before, the things we lost or gave up for our current lives, you know, by choice or not. We don't acknowledge all the women that we have been and that inhibits us from being all the women that we can be.

And there's an inferiority worthiness wound. To me, I think that moms feel inferior in so many ways. We fall victim to comparisons. Oh, I need to be more like her. I need to parent like X. Why aren't my kids, my spouse doing Y?

We treat ourselves as if we are less than. You're doing so much, but you always have to be more, do more. It never ends. The worthiness wound is thriving in modern moms big time.

To ourselves, we are not enough. But the moment we step into our power, we are too much. And a lot of that, I think, is societal. As young women, we are encouraged to be everything. But the moment we support ourselves and get a little bit of confidence, we are told to tone it down and be humble. And while humility is a wonderful trait and virtue,

too much and we head down the path of self-doubt and shame to the feeling of not enough.

The moment we have sympathy for ourselves, we shame ourselves for that. It's a strange and horrible dichotomy. One where you are expected to be the best and do it all, but the moment you acknowledge that you're doing well, you have to check your ego. And this is where the performance comes in. I need to be more of, less than, to please the people around me and make them happy.

How are they experiencing me? If it's a good experience, I'm a good person. If it's a bad experience, I'm a bad person. Because I owe so much to other people that if I don't provide them with a good experience, there's something wrong with me. Now I doubt. Now I shame. This is so effed up.

Maybe we are continuing old patterns that we learned in childhood that we didn't need to be heard or that our feelings and emotions were too much for caregivers. We were taught to stuff it all down. But you know what? Being real and being vulnerable is going to bring us the most growth and will strengthen our relationships with the right people.

As women, we are encouraged to hide these parts of ourselves that are messy or not neat or not pretty. Our desires, our feelings, our passions, hide them. Our mistakes, never make a mistake.

be a confident woman but never fail it's an unrealistic and ridiculous standard to live up to and we look and see how our parenting is measuring up and how our kids are behaving and how and is our spouse happy add to that having a strong-willed child a child on the spectrum any of those things we talk about daily and now you're really feeling inferior

Other moms I know don't deal with this. My family doesn't get it. Society tells me I should have a compliant child and I should have been one and I wasn't. Or maybe the mom was the compliant child and this kid is making her second guess everything she has ever known.

Self-doubt is really hard to overcome when you feel like it's your fault that this other human is struggling or won't be successful because of the way they were or were not parented. See, the onus is all upon moms.

Over-responsibility. Over-responsibility is a big but maybe overlooked problem. It feels like second nature to most moms to just do it all and take care of it all. I work on this one, but it sticks in my head even over simple things like

something I said or wrote, I think, "Well, did I say that in a way that made sense? Are they going to understand it?" You know what? If they don't understand something I said, they can ask me. If they don't have the courage to care or ask me, then I guess that's on them. We just take so much responsibility for literally everything around us. It's too much.

I think it's wonderful to be sensitive and truly care deeply for the world around you. A lot of us are deep feeling and have those qualities. The truth is that we have to remove ourselves from feeling responsible for others to that extent. We probably need this one to be pounded into our heads. We're not responsible for it all.

In fact, if we were more responsible for ourselves and our own contentment, we would probably be better equipped to allow the world around us and the people around us to fend for themselves a little more. I think that when we let go, we open the door for what is supposed to be failure.

Failure is not a failure. Failure is a sign that you're trying. Not everything is going to land. But for many women, failure is like soul death. We have to be perfect at all times. See, now you enter the good girl, bad girl dichotomy. When you're good and you're not messing up, you're rewarded. But when the bad girl comes out, you're in trouble. You're sent away. Go to your room. You're not yourself.

Enter in hormones as a teenager and hormones when you're pregnant and postpartum, hormones when you're in menopause. Enter in a mom with ADHD. Enter in a mom with OCD. Enter in all of these other things that weigh us down.

So you're either good or bad. But what if we could be both? We can be both. If we want to do so, we should be both. There are qualities of both that we can hone. And not everybody is going to like it. And if that's the case, truly, F them. But it's hard for women to say, F them. Because it creeps in, well, I don't want to hurt their feelings anymore.

It's okay. It's okay for someone to not like what we have to say. It's okay to say something or be someone that feels right for us that isn't right for other people.

Actually, I'm just gonna repeat that because I love so much of this. It's okay to say something or be something or someone that feels right for us that isn't right for other people. That's a big one. We are all unique and to own our own unique selves is power. That unique person who maybe isn't liked by some will do great things in this world.

or great things for herself or for her family. When we love the unique person inside, we are okay with the failure, the mess, the mistakes, because we know that it's all part of the success. You embrace the shadow because you know that without it, there is no light. And Jess references Carl Jung.

The truth is everyone experiences a range of emotions and should be encouraged to do so. And guess what? Those around us that love us are still going to love us at our worst. We don't have to have a freaking regulated nervous system every second of our lives because that's not even possible. Hello, Instagram. I'm looking at you.

Being loved at our worst. It's really hard to believe that we will always be loved at our worst. Really hard. We need to hear this one. We have been abandoned so many times by parents or men that it's ingrained in us that if we aren't performing, we will be left. If we bring the words to the table, everyone will walk away. I think that many of us are simply carrying on something that we were taught.

abandon those parts that suck. Abandon you. Women have truly abandoned themselves. And I don't blame them for it. But when you reclaim that woman, it feels unbelievable. Even the thought of doing something I want to do and not something my child or spouse wants to do kind of sends a little shiver up my spine. Like, wow, let them deal with it.

I've had a hard time believing that I could put myself first like I did when I was single. Even then, I believe I was still somewhat beholden to men and parents. I thought it was wrong. I thought my job as a wife and a mother was just to lay it all down or do it all for them. And that seems very noble, but in truth, that's a recipe for resentment and unhappiness.

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trusting people reclaiming self it's also hard to trust people for some and I think even most women it's hard to trust men especially because we've been betrayed by so many of them are led astray we've been led to believe by society from very young ages that we are here for someone else's pleasure

Just do what he wants and he won't leave you. The truth is we are our own women. We belong to ourselves. And yes, we love our families, but it's okay to take some time away. Sit down and don't finish the laundry or let your spouse or kids do it or let it go until tomorrow. And as much as I believe in doing the work to better yourself, we are complete now.

I need to hear this because I don't really believe this totally. It's a tough one to wrap my head around. We contribute to the world around us by simply existing. I spent so long thinking of myself as a resume.

My life isn't just a job. We don't have to sell ourselves or convince people. We don't have to be more. We don't have to do more. It excites me to think of all the things I can be and do for me. It excites me to go back to myself as a child and embrace artwork and being athletic and going to concerts and just enjoying things. Not being so worried about getting my kid into bed that I won't shoot hoops until it gets dark.

not being afraid of the mess because it will say something about me it won't I can push all the noise out and listen to one singular voice my own because now is the time to let myself be heard and I am just the person to hear me

Reclaiming myself this past year has been one of the most fun things I have ever done in my life. One of the most self-affirming too. Self-love and self-compassion.

I want moms to know that the way out of this is self-love, self-compassion, finding the little girl on the inside or the teenager and recognizing all the wonderful qualities she has that we've silenced. Embracing the kid that needed a hug, telling that teenager that she's a badass.

making every single girl and woman inside of me feel included, knowing that we can celebrate all parts of who we are, even the teenager that slammed the door or the little girl who just couldn't do anything right. Yes, maybe we were sent to our rooms when we exhibited undesirable qualities, but the adults who did that aren't in charge of our hearts and our minds.

We don't need to perpetuate that. When these feelings bubble up, we can hold these little girls close to our hearts and let them know that it's okay to feel all their feelings. It's okay to be wild now and then. It's okay to mess up. Cry.

Little side note, I just stopped the recording because I've got tears in my eyes. I hope this is affecting you. Jess writes this just beautifully. Anyway, I'll leave the words to her, but I had to stop because I couldn't see the page anymore.

And we can teach ourselves how to thrive in harmony with these parts. Use the tools that we learn positively. With the wisdom of a grown woman, the child can thrive. I think we are better adults and better women when we still have the spirit of a passionate, fun-seeking, creative child.

Be your own friend. Yes, cheesy and totally hokey as that sounds. Start some really nice self-talk. Always talk to yourself as you would a beloved friend.

always care for yourself no blaming and shaming no judging hold yourself close and really enjoy really adore really embrace this person as someone who is amazing someone you want to spend time with someone who is funny and kind take yourself out somewhere really form a relationship

I'm a nerd who makes herself laugh regularly and nobody else finds it funny. We all have the ability to be the ones to truly see ourselves for who we are and keep growing that person. The key to self-love for me is being authentic.

Being authentic to yourself every single day and in every way you can, even if that has to include saying the phrase to yourself, I am being authentic to myself. That's what I do literally every day. I should probably get a tattoo of that phrase because it's my most used affirmation. I second guess myself and I have to say, nope, you're doing this. You're saying this because you are being authentic to yourself.

Keep it up. Nobody has to like it because you don't need external validation. If it's right for you, you do it. Being vulnerable is another big one that moms struggle with. I think that they don't realize that the more authentic that you are, the easier that some aspects of life become. Because you can count on yourself, you can trust yourself.

You can parent in a way that you say, yep, I've got this because you do have the tools and you trust yourself to use them. You can make decisions. You can tell people no. It takes so much of the weight off of wondering what to do because you know what to do. You do what is right for you.

Vulnerability. This may be the most difficult thing here. This one is super hard for me personally, even though I'm pretty open. I get scared to show myself. Vulnerability exists when we allow ourselves to be real when we don't know the outcome or how it will be received.

I've put myself in a bunch of situations this year where I've been more vulnerable with people and it has literally terrified me. But it worked out well for me because it has strengthened relationships with people that I care about. It has also proven to me that I can be my full self no matter what.

And I can feel my chest is tight writing about this. In fact, everything I have written here to you has come from the core of my very being as a woman and as a mother.

In sending this to you, I culled some of my deepest fears and thoughts from my journal, something I rarely share because I don't think I am alone in the ways that I feel. Moms want a sense of belonging, and I think we all feel like we are alone out here from time to time. I've laughed and joked and had a wonderful day, and sometimes at night, I'm literally sitting on the floor alone like, what the F?

What the F am I doing in life? I think this is why your podcast and the resources we have with other moms will be so foundational and helpful and inspiring. I think we just want to feel loved and appreciated. We want to feel like we belong and we want to feel like we're doing okay and that we kick ass.

And then Jess ended this with, okay, that's it. I'm going to go curl up in the fetal position now. LOL, LOL. I'm kidding. Of course, I'm going to go work out because I need it.

Look, thank you to Jess for writing that. Thank you for her being open enough to share those thoughts in ways that I could never do. And thank you for allowing me to share that with moms out there. I hope you have found that helpful. I have no great way to close this, except I respect you all, love you all. And if we can ever help you in any way, just let us know. Moms, you kick ass, you're not alone, and you're great moms.