TDS Time Machine | Best of Lewis Black Pt. 2
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Jon Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everyone. Desi Lydic here. The Daily Show is on break for the holidays, but in the meantime, we put together some special highlights for you. We'll be back in the new year on January 7th with all new episodes.

We are officially in the dog days of summer, which means I can finally bust out my slip and slide. It used to belong to the kid next door, but it turns out a lot of kids stuff you can just walk up and take. But this summer, it's so hot you can't even make it down the slide without your nuts sticking to the bottom.

the vinyl. It's been one of the hottest summers on record across the U.S. A relentless heat wave smashing records in the Northeast. Monday was the hottest day ever recorded on Earth. The previous record, which was set on Sunday, only lasted 24 hours. It's hot. Really, really hot. The hottest day

Yes, this summer the heat is kicking our ass more than usual. Last week it was so hot in New York that, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, I asked the Hawk to a girl to hit me in the forehead. LAUGHTER

And this isn't just your classic heat wave that only kills some old people that no one cares about.

The heat is so extreme, it's causing shit that's never happened before. Blazing temperatures outdoors can wreak havoc inside airplanes. These soda cans all exploded on Southwest flights due to extreme heat exposure. The problem is widespread. Southwest Airlines has reported about 20 employees have been injured by exploding soda cans this summer alone. What the hell? It's so hot!

that our soda cans are joining Al Qaeda. I don't want to die in a plane crash because of cherry coke. I want to die because the Boeing guys forgot to tighten the screws. This is a disaster. What happens if planes have to get rid of soda? What am I supposed to drink on a flight now? Whiskey?

Then another whiskey? What am I supposed to mix the whiskey with? Another whiskey? Now I haven't had enough. You've had enough. This is clearly a reckoning, but I'm sure Ewans will take this as a sign that climate change is a serious threat and not a chance for an idiotic photo op.

At Death Valley National Park, they actually embraced the heat, encouraging tourists to take pictures in front of the park's thermometer. Right now, hovering around 130 degrees. You can definitely feel the heat on your skin. Honestly, it's definitely shocking. I don't know how anything can survive out here.

Of course, nothing can survive in Death Valley. That's why they call it Death Valley. Guess what they sell at Burger King, you idiot.

Now, you'd think park rangers would be warning people about the deadly heat, but instead they're getting in on the fun. Park rangers have a tasty way to show you just how hot it is inside your car. So rangers at, uh, Sekuro National Park by Tucson made banana bread inside their car. Some other things you can make inside your car: cookies, eggs, and even stuffed bell peppers.

Who stuffs a bell pepper? Yes, global warming means you can cook right in your car, which is great news for my new restaurant, Louis Black's Hyundai Sonata chimichangas. The secret ingredient is wiper fluid. So, yes, as we've known for a while, every year the earth is getting hotter and hotter like me and Paul Rudd.

And that's why we need every single government body working to fix the problem instead of jerking us around with elementary school science projects. The National Weather Service put on a colorful display of the record-setting heat wave hitting Las Vegas. Check out this time lapse of the extreme temps turning crayons into colored cream. This interesting experiment really puts in perspective to

just how hot it is out there. I feel like if you could just sort of freeze that and then, you know, make a little bit of art out of it. I think so, too. Right? Yes. Oh, that's cool. But I mean, really, not cool. We're all gonna die! Thanks, National Weather Service. Now, we all know what it would look like if a pack of Skittles got its period.

So quick, safety tip, okay? If you're going to leave your kid in a hot car, remember to grab the crayons first. It's hard to know whether to be more worried about the record heat or the record stupidity. But at least when the earth finally explodes, we'll be eating delicious dashboard banana bread along the way.

Thomas Jefferson was right when he famously said presidential elections suck ass. Hell, I have to stay drunk from April to November just to get through it, which is two weeks longer than I'm normally drunk.

But this election sucks extra ass because it might have huge consequences for our country. And it all comes down to turning out one crucial voting block. Young people, sticky, disgusting young people. Now, it used to be that all you needed to turn out young voters was a beloved musing star threatening to kill people. God, that was fun, wasn't it?

Can you believe Pete Diddy turned out to be an alleged sexual abuser? And here I thought he was just a harmless murderer. But these days, if candidates want to reach young people, there's really only one way. Social media influences.

From TikTok to Instagram, online platforms are becoming a key tool for political campaigns. A lot of young people, not just political news, but a lot of people use YouTube and TikTok. Social media influencers descending on the Republican and Democratic National Conventions. Both parties officially inviting and credentialing hundreds of content creators to help draw eyeballs to their platforms and candidates.

This is what it's come to. Our election rests with the same people trying to sell you diarrhea-infused beauty cream. And if you're unfamiliar with the influencer culture, here's a quick... Move over, Fred Astaire. Captain Frito-Lay is in the building.

In the old days, doing a karate kick at 7-Eleven didn't make you a millionaire. It made you a meth head in Florida.

But if the campaigns are focused on courting these influencers, surely you'd think they must be getting some primo content in return. Oh, I got dick down at the DNC. Oh, dick down at the DNC. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for having us. Thank you, guys. It's been a real pleasure.

Theater kids are losing their virginity at the DNC? Well, there's hope for you yet, Cory Booker. By the way, if anyone got dicked down at the DNC, it's Joe Biden. Don't worry, Democrats. There are dipshit TikToks for conservatives too. Whoa, what the f***?

That video makes me pro-gun just so I can deep throat one in the bathtub. And look, I appreciate shitty content just as much as the next person. I watch both seasons of MILF Manor and the behind-the-scenes featurettes. It doesn't mean I'm going to let the MILFs tell me who to vote for.

But as TikTok stars gain political clout, both camps are now planning entire campaign stops around meeting them. Like when Trump and Logan Paul had this meeting of the mind. Wow. That's the first time I've ever seen Donald Trump genuinely laugh.

And all it took was the hilarity of staring down a roided up boy.

Then there's Kamala's VP, Tim Walls, who went on the TikTok show, Subway Takes, to have an earth-shaking debate about gutters. So what's your take? My take is the most neglected part of homeownership is the gutters. It's personal for me. 100% agree. I've had problems with gutters before. You get your basement wet, you get ice dams, cause a lot of problems. Where do you buy gutters? The down spots I bought at Menards. Save big money at Menards.

Oh, good. A video for no one. Candidates skip entire states during the campaign, but Subway Takes gets a sit-down interview? He wasn't even on the subway. I didn't see a single rat fist-fighting a baby. Also, quick tip for Tim Walz. Young people don't give a shit about gutters because they don't own homes, and they never will. Yeah!

So, we know what the candidates are getting out of this. Civic excitement, higher voter turnout, and free gutters from Menards. But what about the political influencers? What's in it for them? Twenty-three.

23-year-old Awasane made a name for herself dispensing beauty tips on TikTok. Awasane says she was hired by Protect Our Care, a progressive advocacy group. What's your rate? So a video just for a creator in my size, an average can go from $3,000 to $10,000 depending and upwards. $10,000? And all you have to do is sacrifice your dignity and get paid. Hey, guys.

It's Louie B. I'm an influencer now. I got dicked down at the RNC. I got dicked down at the DNC. Now pay up, assholes!

Shoot me.

I, for one, am excited with 21 days to go. We still have no idea who the is going to win.

And that's all thanks to one very special group of morons. With 21 days until election day, the race to the White House, it is getting tighter, and the candidates are putting a laser focus on undecided voters. Undecided voters in battleground states could decide it all. That small sliver of undecided voters, they're going to make or break this election.

Oh, yes, undecided voters. The same people you see at the ice cream shop asking for 12 mini spoon samples. It's a $3 cone, asshole! How is anyone still undecided in this election? At this point, choosing a candidate should be easy. Look, it's like a lube salesman deciding if he should swing by P. Diddy's house...

He has all the information he needs. But after almost two years of campaigning, this election still comes down to winning over a few dozen Pennsylvanians with carbon monoxide poisoning. Now, don't get me wrong. Maybe these undecided voters aren't stupid. Maybe they have a good reason for being idiots. Has anyone asked them what the hang-up is? I just...

I haven't seen enough of it yet. I need to pay closer attention and kind of do more independent research. I just need to do my own research. I'd have to do more research. Oh, good God! Y'all have the same hair! Go ahead, do your own research. Hopefully the library will let you huff paint inside.

What are you researching exactly? We've known these candidates forever. One of them has spent the past four years as vice president, and the other has spent the past 40 years as the worst person in America. What the f*** is left for you to learn about them? How they load a dishwasher?

But I still have hope that some of you undecided voters will eventually make a choice. Something has to force your hand. We've just learned that Taylor Swift has endorsed Kamala Harris. Okay, will you vote for Kamala Harris because of Taylor Swift's endorsement? Anybody? You would?

Julian, you win. All right. I'm a musician. I mean, I have to. Yeah, you're a musician. You have to. I'm going to send it back to you guys in the studio. Well, even the reporter is like, can I please go cover a mass shooting? This is depressing.

Forget the economy or abortion or immigration. He wants to vote with his fellow musicians. Don't tell him about Kid Rock or his head will explode and there'll be nothing everywhere. I, for one, am grateful for all these focus groups of undecided voters. They give us insight into the complex minds of America's most powerful people.

It is very important that we have expertise when making these decisions in policy, right? And so him bringing the specifics to say that we need the expertise making these decisions, I believe that was very important. See? Even that vampire magician agrees.

Expertise matters. And he should know he's voted in the last thousand elections. And for his final trick, he made my hope for Gen Z disappear. But the good news is we don't have to listen to these idiots at all because there's still another option. I don't know. It still could change. There's still some time left. You never know. Hope so. If I don't have a decision, I probably just won't vote.

Finally, someone talking sense. I'm tired of my vote being canceled out by someone whose IQ score only makes sense in Celsius. So for all you undecided voters, I have a special message. Hi, I'm Louis Black, beloved comedian. Really? And the only Daily Show employee who works less than Jon Stewart. Thank you.

i want to talk to you today about democracy it's a big responsibility a sacred right and maybe not for everyone because if you're waiting for a kardashian to tell you who to vote for go ahead and sit this one out sure people have fought and died for your right to vote but when those guys were lifting the flag over iwo jima

They weren't saying, "Come on, fellas, let's do this so someday a guy can fill out a ballot so the bubbles make the shape of a penis." If you're undecided come election day, do the right thing. Don't get out the boat. Sit out the boat and just focus on picking out that ice cream. Might I recommend Rocky Road? Yum!

It's already been a month since the election. I guess time flies when I'm not ripping out what's left of my pubes. Since Trump's victory, half the country is excited and the other half is still at home in the fetal position. Me, I'm coping by shutting off the news for a while and watching something a little cozier, like who killed John Bonet Ramsey.

Baby, it's cold outside, and so is this case. But for those Democrats able to leave the House, this is what they're doing. An art installation on the walls of a 14th Street subway stop is encouraging people to put their thoughts on Post-it notes. It invites everyone to leave their feelings about this week's presidential election. Things like, I'm so scared, but I love this life more than I fear darkness. What the f*** is this? What?

but if you have a breakdown on the subway, you're supposed to jump in front of it. Subway walls are for only two things, mysterious piss stains and ads for Shen Yun. Sure, it's a cult, but those concubines sure can boogie. And who are these people writing their deepest feelings on a train platform? The only subway thoughts I have are, is that guy shitting?

And why am I being stabbed in that order?

But if writing postage is a little too subtle, you can react to the election loss the American way. Violence. Rage rooms have seen a spike in business since the election. It's a place where you can go in, smash plates, televisions, anything else you can find to let off steam. In fact, in the immediate days after the election, they say the number of reservations have tripled. A unique way to smash away that stress.

Look out, everyone! The libs are pissed and they're coming for Grandma's fine china. Democrats can't even get mad correctly. Conservatives storm the Capitol. Meanwhile, Democrats are like, are these crowbars ethically sourced? LAUGHTER

When shit gets bad, you don't smash things like a toddler. You let it eat away at you from the inside like a big boy with stress-related hemorrhoids. Which reminds me, this segment is brought to you by Preparation H. Preparation H. I'm old, I'm angry, and I'd like some free Preparation H.

But if you'd like to be sad without getting a shard of glass in your retina, you could always venture outdoors and get in touch with your inner coyote. Liberal women are holding what they call primal scream events to release their fury, screeching at the top of their lungs at Lake Michigan. Okay, let me get this straight.

Plan A for the Democrats was to vote, and Plan B is to scare the out of Sturgeon? I don't know about you, but I'm feeling optimistic about 2028. Trust me, screaming doesn't change anything. I've been doing it for 40 years, and I'm still at the same desk! God, I've wasted my life!

But if screaming beside a lake doesn't cure your election blues, maybe riding on a boat will.

The presidential elections make you want to jump ship from America for a little while. Well, Villa V Residences is a cruise line that actually lets you take a long-term dwelling aboard its Odyssey ship. Now there's a one-year escape from the reality or a two-year midterm selection. And if your election hangover is just really, really bad, well, there's a three-year everywhere but home and a four-year skip forward option. Ooh, a four-year cruise? Sign me up.

What better cure for an election hangover than half a decade of pina coladas and freeze-dried scallops? Trump's gonna slash Medicaid just in time for me to get super herpes from a Swiss widow. Now that every country in the world can see that liberals are terrified, the smart ones are cashing in.

A small Italian village is offering cheap homes to Americans who want to leave the U.S. Yes, so the town of Olole has moved in ready homes for up to $10,000. Homes that need a little TLC, they're available for just over a dollar. Village officials hope this will revive it after its population declined. Oh, great. An Italian village whose population disappeared.

That doesn't sound ominous at all. I'm happy to buy an abandoned home and find out what disemboweled all the cattle. Listen, America may be f***ed, but that doesn't mean I'm moving into Luigi's Haunted Mansion. Plus, plus America already has a creepy Italian shithole. It's called New Jersey. Wow. Not what I expected. But...

But, hey, if you're willing to spend good money to avoid these next four years, I'm willing to take it to you. Okay? Take it from you. That's why I'm offering a product of my own. I call it the Forever Sleepy Time Brick. Just shackle it to your foot and find the nearest body of water. Screaming optional. ♪♪

Hey everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.