TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carrell - Part 2
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You're listening to Comedy Central. While most small towns do their best to fight crime and drugs, the mayor of Inglis, Florida is far more ambitious. I feel like Satan is everywhere.

He's just that type of guy. As a public servant, Carolyn Risher knew it was her duty to protect the citizens from Beelzebub. Our church had a weenie roast. A light came on in my mind, and I said, I want to do a proclamation. And I want to do it on town letterhead with a town seal.

banning Satan from our town. And so Mayor Risher courageously legislated the devil out of town. Be it known from this day forward that Satan, ruler of darkness, is not now nor ever again will be a part of this town of England. Satan is hereby declared powerless. I proclaim victory over Satan.

I take this action in accordance with the words of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, sealed this fifth day of November 2001. The effects of the mayor's Satan ban were immediate and miraculous. But there were some minor issues. Just to play devil's advocate for a minute. Right. Does this proclamation violate the separation of church and state?

No, sir. Question, answer. But how has the town reacted? How has the town reacted?

Wonderful. Supportive? Oh, I'm not happy with it at all. It's everyone's right to believe the way they want to believe. And having this proclamation on town letterhead, it sort of shoves it down everybody's throat, like it or not. Why are you in support of Satan coming to town? I'm not in support of Satan coming to town. So you would say you are pro-Satan? No. No.

So you are pro-Satan? No. But why do you want Satan in your town? I don't want Satan in my town. Why do you like Satan so much? I don't like Satan. It was clear I needed to take a different tack. In terms of supporting Satan, why are you? But despite one or two Satan-loving dissenters, it seemed like Mayor Risher's biggest challenge was enforcing her ban. I am Satan. I'm trying to come into your town. What do you say to me?

You have no right to come into Inglis. Well, I don't care about your proclamation. I'm coming in. I'm all evil and I'm coming in. Looks like a nice town to set up shop. But we can rebuke Satan. We have that power to rebuke Satan. Well, I'm coming in. I don't care what you say. Satan, you are powerless in this town. Imagine I'm Satan. You take away that proclamation. How are you going to keep me out of Inglis? We have a lot of God-fearing Christians.

Yes, with Mayor Risher on the case, there will be nowhere for Satan to hide. Or will there?

There are over a million species of animals on this earth here. Here to show us a few of the more exotic ones, our own zoological expert, Steve "Crocodile" Carell. This will be great. This will be great. Uh, Crocodile Carell. How you doing? I'm doing well. I didn't know that you had a nickname. Uh, I'm sorry.

I'd never heard that before. I didn't know that was your nickname. Oh, okay. Actually, it's pronounced Crocodile. I was named after my grandmother. All right. Well, you know what? Why don't we just get to the animals? Great. Excellent idea. I think you're going to be very, very excited about what we have in store for you today, John. I'm donning these only as a precaution. Now, these animals are used to being in front of people. They're used to being handled. But they're animals, right? Exotic animals. Exotic animals. And they're unpredictable.

You really never know. Is there something I should do? Should I get out of the way? Should I? No, I mean, I'm a professional at this. So don't be too afraid. But if you see one start to leap at you, I'd get out of the way. All right, well, let's get to it. I'm excited about this. Now, this first animal is actually of European descent. Yeah. It's called Canis familiaris. Yeah. It's from the Latin. Let's get him out of there right now. Now.

Now, I want you to look closely. Now, don't be afraid, John, okay? Yeah. I want you to look closely at this animal's teeth and jaw. If we can get a shot. Well, I'll have to describe the teeth for you. Not being too... Oh, are we getting that? Are we getting the teeth? John, if you can imagine, do you know what chiclets are? If you can imagine sharpening chiclets with a file, that's what these teeth are like. When they attack their prey and consume it,

The prey being either something that they have caught or generally with this variety, something from a can or a bag. This, this, you'll notice the coat, the coat. You know what? I actually, I'm noticing something else. A superb specimen. Are there others exotically that might, I mean, unless you have some other information about this wild beast. As you can tell,

Uh, they're prone to seizures. The coat is very thick for urban apartment winters. Do you have any other, uh, do you have any other... Yes, um... ...exotics? Actually, I do. Got that, Campbell? Yes. Let's get this, uh, oh, I think, I think this is right up your alley. Here we go. We'll get a shot of this. Take a look. Right down there, John. Look. Quick, quick. Yes, it's a... You see it? You see it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a goldfish. It's moving around. Ah!

Yes, it is. Goldfish. Look at that. Kind of thing you maybe win at Coney Island. Well, as a matter of fact, this was one of only five existing fish in my friend's apartment. And even though it is a goldfish, it is not in fact made of gold. It's not. I had it appraised. Well, do you have anything else? Anything exotic, perhaps?

Yes, Campbell, could you bring out the other exotic creature? Could you just... I think you'll enjoy this. This is... You know what, Steve? I'm sorry. That's the same dog that you had before. That's where the batteries go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's very nice. Listen...

I'm a little disappointed because that's, I thought we were doing an exotic animal segment. - You know, you. You told me this morning that I had to do this segment. What, you want me to get a Komodo dragon? Is that what you want, John? I'll bring on a big Komodo dragon. They're not even legal in the United States. Is that what you want? Is that what you want? I'll bring a Komodo dragon. Is that what you want? Want a Komodo dragon? 'Cause I can get one for you. - Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen. I don't, yes. I'm sorry. Steve Carell.

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Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card. Based on the February 2024 Nielsen Report.

Recently on this program, I had the privilege of visiting with perception expert Mike Russ. During my long, long day, I came to realize that Mike Russ sees things other people don't. Things like counter-rotating magnetic fields, the truth about the alien who masquerades as Donny Osmond, and even that white t-shirts are not always what they seem. The white t-shirts are not always what they seem.

can be lizards 12 feet high. These are friendly. Some are friendly. Some want to eat us. And now, the stunning conclusion of Mike Russ, the interview. This is one of the reasons why I'm out giving lectures. I want the child missing children stopped on this planet. I would love it. What is the correlation between the 12-foot lizards and the missing children? They eat them.

the lizards eat the missing children so the children we see on the side of milk containers some some have been eaten by 12-foot lizards yeah and humans bob hope oh that's bob hope um he uh literally runs the uh child buying and selling

So when you needed Bob Hope, what could you tell me about his features that give away the fact that he's an alien? Well, as I'm using a laser pointer here, he's got pointed ears here. His nose is pointed and his chin is pointed. And all you have to do is exaggerate it. He's British. He's here to control a great deal. So being an alien is bad. But being an alien and being British... That's where she is. You have to understand that the British never liked the Tea Party.

when we dressed up as Indians. - Later, Mike Russ showed me an actual and fully levitating Levitron. - Oh, that's great. - It's an example of how they float their cities on other planets. See, I'm moving this. I can't even touch that. Okay. - Now, how long will that stay that way? - All day long.

By the end of the day, I could hardly contain all that I had learned. And as we broke bread together, I was amazed to see that Mike Russ continues to perceive even while eating. Jar Jar Binks, is that an actual name? Or is that just some creation? There's a lot of things you need to learn how to reverse, I told you. So Jar Jar Binks backward would be... What? Skinnib... Skinnib... Rajraj. Rajraj? Just reverse it 180 degrees.

It's just a trick. Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Carell. I have to tell you, Steve, to me, this story continues to be remarkable but somewhat frightening. It really is, John. And according to Mike Russ, our world may not be ours alone. No, no. We have 16-foot lizard aliens eating children that have been sold into captivity by Bob Hope. So... No. Well, John, if you had been listening, the lizards are only 12 feet. 16-foot lizards.

Well, 12-foot lizards, 16-foot lizards, whatever. You know, the other thing is, Bob Hope is one of the most beloved institutions in America, so you should consider that as well. Really? You think so? Thank you. Thank you, Steve. Thank you, Jon Stewart, or should I say, Trowitznaj?

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