TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
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is the anchor. For NBC Nightly News, I'm Tom Yamas. A new chapter begins. NBC Nightly News with Tom Yamas. Evenings on NBC. You're listening to Comedy Central. When the world's two largest monotheisms learn to accept each other, perhaps live in peace? It's a difficult question. The only way to find an answer is to turn to Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell and even Stephen. You just made me vomit in my own mouth.

What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic: Islam versus Christianity. Which is right? Islam. Christianity. ISLAM! There is no god but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet. Steven?

Steve, this debate is about religion. Let's discuss it rationally. Now, think about it. If you were God, would you manifest your divine glory to a shepherd in a cave in Saudi Arabia in the 7th century? Or as the son of a carpenter in a manger in Judea in the year zero? Come on, use your mind.

Stephen, what part of "There is no god but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet" don't you understand? Look, let's assume for the sake of argument that your god is the one true god. That would mean Allah is not the one true god, which we know he is. Don't you see your logic eats itself?

First off, it's not my logic, Steve. It's God's logic. As written in the Bible, every word of which is true. And we know every word is true because the Bible says that the Bible is true. And if you remember from earlier in this sentence, every word of the Bible is true. Now, are you following me here or are you some kind of mindless zealot?

You know, there is one way of settling this. Crusade. All right, there are two ways of settling this. The one that I was thinking of, a pray-off. You pray to your... God, and I will pray to mine, and we will see which one of us gets smited. Great, let's do it. Is your God ready? My God was born ready. Or, uh, not so much born as begotten, not made, one being with the Father ready. All right.

On your mark, get set, pray. Done! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm done. I'm done too. And I appear to be unsmoted. Yeah, for now. But let me tell you, when you die and go to hell, you're going to wish you weren't dead. Interesting. Now, am I going to be doing that after I go to paradise to join my bevy of spotless virgins for all eternity? You know, because I just want to give them a heads up where I'm going for eternity. Yeah.

Guys, I'm sorry. I'm just starting to think that this religion thing, we're not going to settle it in three minutes. So if you could just wrap it up and find some common ground, that would be great. Maybe the Jew's right. Yeah. Yeah, maybe so. Which is funny, because I normally don't care for Jews. We don't either. Really? We seem to find them kind of scheming. We're very big on that, too. Really? Yes! You know what? We're not so different after all.

I'm Steve Carell. And I'm Stephen Colbert. And this has been Even Stephen. Media punditry. The very words mean almost nothing. With that in mind, two of our senior news analysts square off on the issues we deem important. Once again, Even Stephen with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell. Do you think that you're an idiot? You're a total freak. Good evening. I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Stephen Carell.

In the last two months, natural disasters have been ravaging our country. Hurricanes on the coast, tornadoes in the Midwest, and flooding everywhere in between. Billions of dollars of damage paid for by you, the taxpayer. Tonight's topic: weather. Good or bad? Bad. Good. Bad!

Every time a Floyd or a Gert lifts their skirt and relieves themselves on the East Coast, Uncle Sam feels obliged to crawl underneath the plate-class coffee table and throw $20 bills around. Well, I say show's over, folks. It's time to pull the plug on weather. Balderdash. The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business. Today, they're controlling the weather, and tomorrow, who knows? Federal income tax. I bet you and your friend Stalin would like that.

You, sir, are an idiot. And I'll tell you why. It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to get off their keisters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes and tornadoes forever. Or maybe you just hate children. No, I hate you. If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes.

I'm curious, Steve. What's the weather like up your own ass? Clearly, clearly, we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather. All right, all right. You, sir, are a racist. Damn right. And as a racist, I proposed a simple series of giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then Johnny would know how to read.

Well, thank you very much, Steven. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. If people can't get tornadoes here, then they're just going to go down to Mexico where there's no regulation at all. I say keep tornadoes safe and legal. Bottom line, tornadoes kill people. No. No. No, Steven. Tornadoes don't kill people. Flying debris kills people. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Huffy dogs and ice cream! Huffy dogs and ice cream!

I'm Steven. And I'm Steven. And this was Even Steven. Tragically lost in the hoopla of this year's political campaigns has been Halloween. It's being celebrated tomorrow evening here with their thoughts on this important national holiday. Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert with Even Steven. You just made me vomit in my own mouth.

What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, Halloween. No! Yes! No! Every year, the forces of darkness get a foothold in the minds of our children under the deceptive guise of All Hallows' Eve. Well, I say it's time to just say no to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters toward the pit of damnation. And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the Dark Lord. Steve?

Come on, Steven. It's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing doorbells for treats, and when you don't get what you want, you toilet paper the house, maybe soap some windows, or set a few fires, and then drop a cement-filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an oncoming car. Steven, it's about fun. It's about frolic. It's about candy.

Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies, the druidic cabal that runs this Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute their bodies with refined sugars. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, Steven. Surely, as a child, you indulged in the occasional Snickers bar or peanut butter cup? No, I ate carrot sticks, and my parents gave out little bags of applesauce. Are you serious? Do you...

Do you know what we used to do to people who gave out those healthy snacks? Yes. Yes, I do. Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses. Do you know who had to clean that up the next day when the neighborhood girls were walking to school and laughing at you and going, there's Stinky Steve. Steven, uh...

Can I ask you something? Did you even trick-or-treat as a kid? That's not something my family did. We didn't, uh... I'm sorry. Well, that must have been very hard. No, it was not at all. It was fine. You know what? I have some treats here. Could have a little Halloween right here, huh? No, thank you. A couple treats? No. No, thank you. No, they cause cavities, Steve. I'm not interested at all. What's that big one? The big...

Well, you have a good eye, my friend. This would be a Butterfinger. What do they do? Well, they crunch, and then they get all chocolatey on you. Yeah. Want a Butterfinger? You know what? Do you want a Butterfinger? No, I don't. Thank you. Ring my doorbell. I don't think so. Ring the doorbell. I don't want to. Go ahead. Ding dong. Oh, who could that be? Clump, clump, clump, clump, clump. Oh! Hey!

How adorable! And who are you? A correspondent. And a very scary correspondent? What do you say? I don't know. What do you say? You know what to say. I don't know what to do. Three little words. I want candy. No, no, no. You know the words. Go ahead. Say the words. Trick. Trick. Trick. Trick. Trick or treat! Yeah! Yeah!

Halloween isn't until tomorrow. Bye. Clink. No. I want candy. I'm Steve Carell. I want the candy. And this has been Even Stevens. I want to be a vampire.

On to more pressing and important issues. The United States Senate is in the middle of a heated battle over legislation calling for a patient's bill of rights. Lost amidst the partisan bickering, however, is how this bill really affects the average American. So here to partisanly bicker over how this bill really affects the average American, Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert, and even Stephen. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth.

What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's subject. Is it time for a patient's bill of rights? Yes. No. Yes!

The Patients' Bill of Rights would guarantee consumers the right to sue their HMOs if they fail to provide critical care. This will finally shift the balance of power away from large bureaucratic soulless institutions and give it to law firms. That's good. And anyone who feels differently is a Nazi. Steven?

Well, Steve, if being a Nazi is wrong, I don't want to be right. This legislation is a prescription for a recipe for disaster. If bureaucrats at health maintenance organizations are constantly worrying about lawsuits, where will they find the time to play God with our lives? And if they don't play God, who will? God? I don't think so. He's got bigger fish to fry.

No one is playing God here, Stephen. Sure, it might be comforting to a patient dying from an HMO's negligence to think an old man in a white beard is going to dispense justice from on high. But the fact is, we need the earthly justice of lawyers. For there is no divine justice, for there is no God.

No God? No God! First of all, HMOs are not the enemy. Second, no God! The fool says in his heart there is no God, but in this statement, is there not implied the far grander question, who is he who put us here that we may even doubt him? Steve, behold the radiant beauty of existence and answer me this, why is there something instead of nothing? What?

Well, there you go again, Steven. Not staying on topic. You're just afraid to admit that the working people of this country are the ones... Steve, answer the question. Why is there something instead of nothing? Big bang. Who knew you and loved you even before the fires of creation?

Let me just check my notes. Steve, don't you see? There is a deeper reality that transcends what you and I may debate here at this desk. Don't you know in your heart of hearts that we all bask in his eternal light? Yes. That ultimately we are one in the fathomless mind of God? Yes.

And that what one man, Steve Carell, may or may not believe about the Patience Bill of Rights, a meaningless piece of paper, is ultimately meaningless? Yeah. Uh, yeah, I guess you're right. Yes! I'm right! You're wrong, and I'm right! I win! I win! I win! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait.

But we are all one. In the mind of God, but on Earth, you're a loser and I'm a winner. From the Winner's Circle, I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Carell. And this has been Even Stephen. You lose.

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♪♪

is the anchor. For NBC Nightly News, I'm Tom Yamas. A new chapter begins. NBC Nightly News with Tom Yamas. Evenings on NBC. While Dan Rather has shied away from breaking down the stem cell debate, we here at The Daily Show will do no such thing. Here to shed some much-needed light on the topic, Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell with Even Stephen. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? ♪♪

Tonight's topic. Dutch prostitutes. Do they deserve governmental protection? Yes. What? Yes! The Netherlands have long been known for its affordable, attractive, and gracious whores. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? Tonight's topic. Dutch prostitutes. Yes! No, no, no!

That's not the topic. The topic is stem cell research. I don't think so. Okay, I'll bite. Why is tonight's topic stem cell research? Because that's what we agreed we were going to debate. We were going to debate the big issue on the front of the Sunday New York Times. Exactly. Yes, I've got it right here. The big... You get a shot of this? Big article right there. Dutch prostitutes. See that?

Yeah, front of the New York-- We'll look right above that. See, the stem cell battle's moving to Congress. This is it right here. John, we're doing stem cell research, right? It's not Dutch prostitutes. Stem cells, right? That was my understanding. Stem cells. Okay, great, fine. Gang up on Steve Day. We'll do stem cell research. I don't know what it is. I am for it. Why? You read the article. You tell me.

Well, is it possibly because stem cells are highly adaptable and transplantable, basic building blocks of human tissue that could someday lead to the cure of MS, Parkinson's, and Alzheimer's? Yes, that is exactly why, Stephen. Because unlike someone I could name, I am not a big fan of people dying. So I say stem cell... Stem cell? Stem cell. Stem cell research. Yes. Neurological disorders? No. Stephen?

You know, before you commit, there is an argument against stem cell research. Okay, here we go. Mr. McFactyhead. I can't wait. Watch this, John. It's going to really blow us all away. Go ahead. Well, to obtain the best stem cells, human embryos have to be destroyed, and some people fear that this could lead to a mass production of embryos, genetic engineering, and organ farming. Oh.

Please, Steve, and that is such a load of disturbing information that if you think about it and let it sink in, you will realize that I am against stem cell research, and I dare you to try to poke a hole in my ironclad argument. Bon chance, bon vivant, bon appetit. Well, Steve, in fact...

Steve, in fact, most of these embryos are going to come from fertility clinics, and they're going to be destroyed anyway, so an argument could be made that this life-saving research should be derived from what is already an unfortunate situation.

Why don't we just do the Dutch prostitutes thing? Come on. Steve, this is an important subject. We have to debate. Steve, it's an emotional subject. Even if I read the article, I wouldn't understand it. It's a personal subject, Steve. All I'm saying is that you're not alone in feeling torn about this, okay? You can come down on either side of the subject, and I suppose that ultimately there is no one and no way to objectively find out who is right and who is wrong. Dutch prostitutes! Yes! No! Yes!

We are out of time. I'm Stephen Colbert. I'm Steve Carell. And this is Ben Even-Steven. There's a war going on out there. But there's also another battle being fought between the government and the members of the press. How much does the public need to know? Here to answer that question are Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert with Even-Steven. You just made me vomit in my own mouth.

What's the weather like up your own ass? Should the United States government be more forthcoming to the media on the war in Afghanistan? Yes. No. Yeah!

Ari Fleischer and the White House are causing a communication breakdown of Led Zeppelin-ish proportions. Watch this! It's information that is classified in nature. I've said about all I'm going to say on this topic. I think we've exhausted this topic. This is about a half an hour briefing. We can spend all half an hour on it if you like. He's stonewalling, but I'm not surprised. You don't care about the freedom of the press. You've long used our Constitution as a bumwipe.

Steve, let's not have this disintegrate into yet another series of personal attacks. Okay, Fatty? Fair enough.

The only reason you and the other bloodsuckers in the press ask questions that you know Ari Fleischer can't answer is to rattle his cage and get him accidentally saying something that could threaten national security. Well, if government officials don't give me the answers I need, I'm going to have to get them myself, develop my own sources, check facts, write things down. I am a journalist. That's not my job.

There are people out there whose job it is to do my job, and I'm not one of them. Is that so hard to understand? Steve, you need to understand that there are times that the best thing the government can do is to say nothing. Secrets aren't always bad. I mean, there are things I don't tell you. Oh, you tell me everything. No, I don't. Like what? I can't tell you. Well, does it involve you or me? Yes. Who? Me or you? Steve, we've exhausted this topic. Now, are there any other questions?

Uh, you, yes. Steve Carell, Daily Show. What are you talking about? What's the secret? Steve, all I can tell you is that it is terrible, it is horrible, it is imminent, and it only involves you. And I can't tell you what it is. You're kidding. Yes. Not really. Steve, the point is, in situations like this, the facts are just going to terrify the public. And if that's all the press can do, why don't we just make up our stories? Watch.

This just in: Evil clown with hook for hands spotted in woods behind cabin 14 at Camp Winnisaki. He's in the house now. Get out. See, not a single fact, but some poor sap living at 13 Sad Bastard Lane in Rube Town, USA is hanging on my every word. Steve, you need to- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! No, it was just on. Did you s- It was just on. The clown with the hook. Yeah, I just saw it! They just did a report!

Well, I don't know. He's in the house. You have to get out of the house. Steve, this is... Honey, shush! They said he was behind cabin 14. Are we close to that? Steve, I was just giving an example. Come on! I'm dealing with a clown problem here, okay? Get in the game, Colbert. I'm Stephen Colbert. I'm Steve Carell. And this has been Even Stephen. God, what is happening to our country?

Now, obviously, the crisis in the Middle East is continuing to dominate the news. Here to bring some much-needed perspective on that situation, our senior pundit team, Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert, with Even Stephen. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, should the U.S. sponsor peace talks in the Middle East? Yes. No. Yeah!

Steven, with great power comes great responsibility. As the warm, moist womb of liberty, the United States cannot shirk its duty to bring these two sides of the table or some other suitable piece of furniture. Steve, that's a stupid thing to say, and you're a stupid person for saying it. It's not the U.S.'s job to be the world's policeman. The world's fireman, maybe. Policeman, fireman, I think we can both agree we'd have a big, bushy mustache.

The Israelis are our democratic allies, the sole democracy in the region. We must support them. Well, I'm not surprised that you would want to untangle the U.S. in that quagmire, Mr. Steven Karelienbergo-Wittstein-ish-skiberg. I don't follow. Yes, you do. The teachings of Moses. I'm not Jewish. You're not? No, I'm Catholic. As am I. Shut up. Seriously, 11 brothers and sisters. No way. Yeah, really. What?

Why have we been talking about this? I don't know. I mean, we're both Catholics. Right, seriously. Jews and Muslims? Arabs. Who cares? What do you want to do? I don't know. How about lightning round? Lightning round. Lightning round! Invading Iraq, now or next year? Now! Next year! 2004 Democrats, Gore or Kerry? Gore. Kerry. Gore! Link or Patty? Link! Patty!

Did the Argentinian government's tying the value of the peso to the dollar lead to the current economic crisis in Buenos Aires? Argentino? Where is that? I think it's in Mexico. Grandmas or grandpas? Pass. Pass. Grandpas! The pedophilia scandal in the Catholic Church. I don't see why we need to talk about that. No, the church is going to work it out. Absolutely. Eleven brothers and sisters. Jimmy, Eddie, Mary, Mother, Mother, Father, Father, Father, Father, Father, Father, Father.

Next question. Yes or no? -Yes. -No. -Yes! -We! -No. -We!

Finally, Steve, should we change the way we talk? Let's face it, this halting newsman cadence is both artificial and robotic. Granted. But I'm afraid we can't just do that, Steve. Like a shark, if we stop, we will die. I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Carell, and this has been Even Stephen. For more insight on the death tax issue, we turn to resident political pundits Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell with Even Stephen.

You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Is the death tax good for America? Yes. No. Yeah!

Yesterday, I was beside myself with joy over last week's vote by the Senate to retain the death tax. It's a big revenue generator that affects only the nation's wealthiest 1%. It sends a powerful social message that even the children of the very rich must make their own way in the world. But more than that, in the same way that taxes on smoking discourage smoking and taxes on drinking discourage drinking, hopefully this death tax will keep people from dying.

It is a filthy habit, and it has to stop. But I suppose you and your fat cat friends in Washington won't be happy till everybody's dead. Steve, the death tax is inherently unfair. It taxes the same money twice. Once when you earn it, and once more after you die. It goes against everything Americans hold dear. Money. The point is, it's not...

It's not the dead who are going to suffer, unless, of course, they've been sinful. Then they'll burn forever in a lake of fire. It is the living, rather, the children of the insanely wealthy who will suffer by being rendered merely sanely wealthy. But tax away, comrade Karelovich. A grateful motherland salutes you. Wow, you are taking this so personally, Stephen. You'd think this was a tax on pompous windbags who make me sick, you fat ass.

Steve, let me give you a hypothetical example of someone who would be directly hurt by your regressive tax. Now, this person is not rich, but this person married someone because her father is. Hypothetically. Now, this rich old bastard, whose daughter, by the way, has a face like a Hieronymus Bosch nightmare, was barely functioning when this person married her. I'm talking catheters, iron lung, beep!

But against all rational expectations, he's hung on for seven years. It's like he's staying alive out of spite. You're saying when that shriveled husk finally kicks, the government should get more than half of what's rightfully the person in my examples? Well, for now, under current law, the tax is scheduled to expire in 2010. The person in my example can't wait that long. All the nagging and the carping. I swear the person in my example is just going to lose it.

I'm sorry, I just get so upset when I think about the person in my example. Well, you know, Stephen, sometimes the people in hypothetical examples just die. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No, no, no, you're not listening to me. Sometimes the people in hypothetical examples just... Imaginary nurses can be bribed. Accidents can be postulated to have happened.

Now, let's further speculate that an opportunistic associate was willing for, say, a million dollars. $500,000. Eight. Seven. $750,000. Done. To facilitate this, shall we say, early retirement, what would the person in your example say to the person in my example? I think he'd say, let's do it. Oh, but the person in my example still has to pay the damn death tax. Well, half a buttload is still... A buttload. Yeah.

All right, all right, you make a strong all right, man. I might have to concede this one, as long as this argument can never be traced back to me. I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Carell, and this Even Steven never happened. What Even Steven? Exactly.

♪♪♪

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The NBC Nightly News. Legacy isn't handed down. We're NBC News. I'm Tom Brokaw. We hope to see you back. I'm Lester Holt. It's carried forward. Tom Yarmouth is there for us. Firefighters are still working around the clock. As the world changes, we look for what endures. We are coming on the air with breaking news right now. We look for a constant. And from one era to the next, trust in the future.

is the anchor. For NBC Nightly News, I'm Tom Yamas. A new chapter begins. NBC Nightly News with Tom Yamas. Evenings on NBC. The run for the Republican nomination has George Bush and John McCain mired in a cesspool of mutual character assassination. Tonight, our two senior pundits go head-to-head on the issue of negative campaigning in Even Steven. Do you think that you're an idiot? You're a total freak.

Smear tactics, dirty pool, taking the low road. Is this what American politics should be? Yes! No! Yes! Let's face it, Steven, politics have become a bore. Less than 30% of Americans vote, and most of them are drunk. Or bust in by the Chinese to do their bidding. Steve, stooping to the lowest common denominator isn't the answer. I could say f*** or s*** and get all sorts of attention.

But shouldn't we hold our leaders to a higher standard? What about campaign finance reform? What about soft money? What about school vouchers? Sorry, I faded away there for a second. What were you saying about sh-- and f--?

You're just proving my point, Steve. Negative campaigning has denigrated the political process. Look, this is nothing new. Stephen Douglas once referred to Abraham Lincoln as a "fussy scoundrel," while Lincoln shot back with accusations of "skullduggery." Harsh words. But that's politics as usual. Political figures are fair game. Any? Any public figure is fair game? Any public or political figure. Really?

You heard it here first. Roll it, Scotty. We all know Steve Carell as a forthright square-jawed correspondent. But what you may not know is that his real name is Caraselli. This Johnny-come-lately anglophile is running from a Mediterranean past. He may tell you the news, but he would probably prefer to tell you, I like it a spicier meatball. Steve Carell. He's not who you think. Paid for by Stephen Colbert.

What was that? A completely unfair profile. And so is this. Steve Carell never served a single day of active military duty during the Spanish-American War. Just because it ended in 1898 is too easy an answer, Steve. Steve Carell, he's a coward. Paid for by Stephen Colbert. I don't tell them what.

If I may, Steven, just wait a second. You're debating and I think you've definitely crossed the line, Steven. And I don't mean to interrupt, but... Oh, don't you, John? Jon Stewart isn't even supposed to be in this segment. But there he is. He should mind his own beeswax. Jon Stewart, he's a nosy Nelly. Paid for by me. Steven, I, uh... It's not much of an attack. I don't know, Jon. It's testing pretty well with Catholics. And you know what?

You know what, now that I think of it, I guess there is a place for character assassination in politics. So, so I win? Yes. No. Yes! I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Car-sel Correll. And this has been Even Stephen. You know, scholars and historians may well debate Bill Clinton's presidency for centuries, but here to do it in two and a half minutes, our own Steve Correll and Stephen Colbert with Even Stephen.

You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Have the Clinton years been good for America? -Yes. -No! Yes! In 1992.

Our country was in a severe economic recession. Eight years of unprecedented prosperity later, America is richer and stronger than it has ever been. And the man responsible, William Jefferson Clinton. Oh, come off it, Steve. Alan Greenspan runs this economy, not Bill Clinton. The only thing Bill Clinton has brought us these last eight years is moral turpitude and national shame. Two words, Steven. Dow 10,000. Whitewater. Welfare reform. Monica Gate. Eight years of peace. Shut the f*** up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! God, your voice is like a jackal picking at my brain! I hate you! I hate who you are and what you do and how you sound and what you say! You're like a cancer on my life! God! Well, that was ugly and humiliating. You feel any better now?

I'm sorry. I'm just, uh, I'm just tired, and, uh, and I'm upset about Clinton. Every time we fight, it's because of Clinton. Or the economy. Or NAFTA. I don't think the problem is out there. I think the problem is right here, and I think we need to talk about it. No, we don't have a problem, okay? We're fine, okay? You're fine. You're great! Don't! Don't! Your arguments... Just don't. Okay? You know, I've been giving this some thought, and, well, um, maybe we need to commentate with other people for a while.

Have you been working with CNN's Robert Novak? Bob appreciates me. I can smell him on you. God, I'm gonna kill him! You know what? Bob has control of his anger. He doesn't lash out. Steven, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. You have a problem. And until you can get control of that anger, I just don't think we can be together.

Steve, Steven, you can't do this. Cokie and I never fight. We love each other. You've got to find the love. You know something? Maybe ABC's Sam Donaldson is right. Maybe he is. Ah, screw Sam Donaldson. I hate you. I hate you. I'm Steve Carell. I'm Stephen Colbert. And this has been Even Steven.

With the recent rejection of two pieces of legislation dear to President Clinton's heart, campaign finance reform and the nuclear test ban treaty, many observers are wondering whether the Republican-controlled Congress is deliberately trying to diminish the president's legacy. And what better way to understand the issue than to have two pundits of violently opposing viewpoints disagree with each other? You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? ♪

Tonight, are the Republicans out to get Bill Clinton? Yes. No. Yes. Stephen, the Republicans are trying to humiliate Bill Clinton. Unless you would have us believe that the right wing is legitimately anti-fiscal responsibility and pro-radiation. Do you think us blind? Blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma.

What my esteemed colleague on the left fails to realize is neither bill serves this country's interests or enjoys widespread support. You know, Steven, penicillin can cure syphilis before it infects your brain. The campaign finance bill was in fact co-sponsored by Republican Senator John McCain, and the nuclear test ban treaty was backed by nearly every major world leader and international scientist. Oh, really?

Well then, Steve, you're right. Listen to yourself, Steven. You're up there in your ivory towel. What? You're right. I completely forgot about McCain. See, based on that, I can see how you thought that, you know, the Republicans are out to get him. Can you? Yes. Well, very well then. Good. I win. Yeah, looks like it. May I speak to you for a minute?

What's up? What's going on? We're being paid to argue here, okay? I know. I know that. And you agreeing with me is not going to put food on the table. You know what I'm saying? So why don't you just ratchet it up a little bit, okay? You drop this. Now, is the room spinning, or is the rapid waffling of the spineless GOP Congress making me dizzy? Maybe you'd vote for murder if you thought it would embarrass the president. Well, I think that's an exaggeration, but I can see how you'd feel that way.

I'm... I gotta level with you. This job isn't going everywhere well for me, and this debate thing is like the only thing I've got going. And when you agree with me... No, don't shush me! When you agree with me, it makes it impossible for me to say anything back to you. I don't even know what to say! No, it's like, oh, I agree, what do you want me to do? It's okay. It's okay. What do you want me to say? What do you want me to say?

My unit doesn't agree with me. Okay, I think you're wrong. Insult me. I think you're an ass. You don't really mean that. I do. I do. I think you're an ass. Is that a smile? Do I see a smile? Do we have a smile? Yes, we do. I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Stephen Carell. And this has been Even Stephen.

This is an iHeart Podcast.