TDS Time Machine | Great Moments in Super Bowling
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This is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Let's get right to it. As America licks the last traces of Dorito dust from its fingers and Houston, Texas reverts back from center of the universe status to shithole, we take a fond look back at the pageantry, spectacle, and erectile dysfunction that was Super Bowl XXXVIII. To the game! But first...

But first to the pregame, which began sometime Friday morning and by yesterday had gotten so dull, CBS's Jim Nance was forced to fill network airtime talking to this guy. I've got a lot of great sports memories of Houston. Fislam, a jammer. Love you, Blue. Nolan Ryan. Gosh, I'm still agonizing over the Astros losing to the Phillies in 1980. There you have it. He's still agonizing over...

Over a quarter-century-old baseball loss. Total failure of U.S. intelligence? Eh, it happens. We'll look into it. It's, uh... But the Astros and the Phillies? Ooh! Still. All right, time for the game. But first, Tommy Keith, whose performance gave producers an opportunity to show off their cool new Matrix cameras. Perfect for those moments when you think...

I must see the other side of Toby Keith immediately! Make it so! But enough talk, game time! But first, Aerosmith, who got things rolling with a rowdy, down and dirty rock and roll tribute to the space shuttle Columbia and its astronauts who lost their lives. Aerosmith.

Actually, I did do a sort of a deep version of their Dream On song. And in a sign of things to come, the number ended when Steven Tyler accidentally tore off rhythm guitarist Brad Whitford's denim ass panels. Now, the... Is that a real? I know. For a band that old, that's a good-looking ass panel. I gotta say. All right, now the big game. We came to play. It's time to... Ah, I forgot the national anthem. Here we go. Performed by Beyoncé. Yay!

I'm sorry, I just... I don't think I was ready for that jelly. I just don't think I was... All right, all kidding aside, let's go to the halftime show. Which, aside from the commercials, is always the most anticipated part of the Super Bowl. This year's MTV-produced extravaganza began when Janet Jackson, more on her later, came out and lip-synced an old song of hers. Followed by, of course, P. Diddy, who rushed to attend the event after apparently completing the Iditarod. The cavalcade of stars continued with our good friend Nellie.

whose penis unfortunately picked an opportune time to begin itching. And then Kid Rock, who honored America by turning its flag into a poncho. Kid then sang that cowboy song he always sings, but with specific lyrics. Indeed. Kid Rock, half bowl, super time, that is right. And in ten years, you can look forward to those lyrics being, Kid Rock, bar mitzvah, Jason Cohen, that's right.

I'm here. I'm doing it. Oh. Poor Nelly and his itchy penis. It must really itch. We should use talc. Sadly, what happened next turned what had been a dignified highbrow affair into a shameless display of sexual exploitation. Janet Jackson took the stage again, surrounding herself with players from that dangerous of sports gay rollerball.

The star was then joined by Justin Timberlake, who in a premeditated display of spontaneity accidentally tore off Jackson's bustier, revealing her right breast to the world. Shocking! And yet, oddly reminiscent of the 1971 halftime show when Carol Channing entertained fans by on the glass! Oh, hello, boobies. CBS immediately apologized for the nudity.

And Timberlake himself apologized for what he dubbed, quote, a wardrobe malfunction. A wardrobe malfunction? It was, in fact, a wardrobe malfunction. Justin was actually supposed to get both breasts out. Apparently, he skipped rehearsals for the left one. Now, the Jackson incident, or teet-gate, prompted...

Immediate expressions of outrage. CBS distanced themselves. The FCC is going to investigate. And today, NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue released this statement, reading in part, quote, quote,

Clearly, the NFL wants no part of this kind of tawdry display. The NFL promotes good, clean, concussive, vertebrate-snapping fun for the whole family. There is no room in that for even a millisecond of partially obscured bosom. Now, but you have to think, is there something more sinister at work here behind the NFL's outrage at Jackson's sexy display? Think about it.

Which product is an official sponsor of the NFL? Come rain or snow or whatever we play. Baseball. Take it to the pitcher challenge like I do. And you're gonna love that! You see the problem? The NFL is sponsored by an erectile dysfunction drug. For Janet Jackson to give older men an erection during the halftime show, that's copyright infringement.

She is not supposed to jiggle her boob without the express written consent of the National Football League. Offer not valid in Tennessee. Anyway, to me, the real tragedy of the whole thing, the halftime show at the Super Bowl, is supposed to be about the music sucking. We'll be right back. Are you ready to move easily and independently without pain or stiffness holding you back? Do you want to look in the mirror and see a hydrated glow instead of fine lines and wrinkles?

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February 4th, 2013.

On Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Let's begin the night with last night, the sporting event that encapsulates so well the entirety of what it means to be an American. An event that begins with an emotional salute to the victims of gun violence and quickly gives way to a promotional salute to the glorifying upset gun violence.

It's bang-bang time. Yes, it is. Bang-bang time. Didn't realize two broke girls had taken such a dark turn. We cheered as men committed brutal violence upon one another and then complained bitterly at the sight of two people kissing. And a multi-million dollar sound and light show was immediately followed by yet another sign that our basic infrastructure is on the verge of collapse. We, uh, that's from The Natural. We couldn't find a football movie where the lights were on.

Last night was a big bowl of super. Anybody out there with red blood coursing through their veins, watch the Baltimore Ravens squeezed by the San Francisco 49ers 34-31, all while eating food designed to stop the red blood from coursing through their veins. Mmm, nacho cheese body shots. Don't mind if I... Though anybody can throw the game on and pretend to be a real American and watch it, I make sure to take it up a notch, and I skeet shoot while I watch. Skeet shoot all the time, man.

When I'm watching TV, I skeet shoot. I skeet shoot inside, outside. And that's not Photoshop. There's no way to Photoshop a skeet shoot picture. As with any great American conflict, this game pit brother against brother, each wondering who would finally win the game and with it, the long-lost love of their parents. But by halftime with the score at 21 to 6, it appeared the game was all but over. And that's when she walked in. Yes!

Beyonds! Amazing vocals, breathtaking choreography, and of course, whatever this was. She even let two lucky contest winners join her on stage. You didn't like that one, huh? It was actually very nice to see Destiny's Child back together again, or as George Stephanopoulos calls them, the Pointer Sisters. It was Morgan Freeman, I think. Never gets old. But you know,

After Beyonce's performance, if you liked it, you should have put a fuse on it. Because just as Baltimore's Jacoby Jones seemingly put the game out of reach for Baltimore with a 108-yard touchdown kill over turn, skedunk! This was about a piece of electronic equipment that monitors the power feeding into the stadium. It sensed what Superdome officials are calling, quote, an abnormality. Oh, right, an abnormality. Two yards! Oh, ball!

Why did you do yasasa? How many football players must suffer for these evil schemes? But wins and losses, blackouts and performances aside, the real contest took place amongst America's foremost products, who competed for the opportunity to be buzzed about with an estimated global audience of everybody. The Super Bowl is the company's best chance to get its message across to America. Messages like, our candy feels pain when you eat it.

And our chips are so good, even a goat will eat them.

Interestingly though, that ad wasn't the one that wound up being the most talked about. It might be the most controversial ad at the Super Bowl is ad from GoDaddy called Perfect Match where supermodels, Bar of Raffaelli, locks lips with a geeky looking engineer. Oh really? That ad was controversial? Oh, because she was kissing a Jew? Is that why? Oh, it's so disgusting to kiss a Jew? Is that it? Because she's so disgustingly... What's that? I'm being told that that's not why people were upset.

The source was apparently America's belief that affection should only take place between looks equals. He's not attractive enough to kiss. By the way, how was this objectionable? But everybody was perfectly fine with the ad about the guy who was clearly his horse. I'm not saying I blame him. That's a fine looking class. Anyway, in the end, the Ravens prevailed.

The game was the swan song for 17-year veteran linebacker Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis, I'm sorry. Seen here portrayed as a very angry badger. He's an inspirational figure to his teammates, but Lewis' story is complicated by some personal troubles. Just a little matter of, well, I'll let Boomer Esiason explain. I'll tell you, because he was involved in a double murder. He was involved in a double murder. Murderers, Newt Rockne used to call them. The old.

But in the pregame interview, Ray Lewis offered up a novel defense for his actions. What would you like to say to the families? To the family, if you knew, if you really knew the way God works, he don't use people who commits anything like that for his glory. No way. It's the total opposite. Wow. Must be quite the comfort to the families of those murder victims. The news that God makes sure everybody

gets what they deserve. Still, that's the case. Criminal trials should go a lot faster. Your Honor, what evidence do you believe? The victim's blood being found in my client's limousine or my client going to 13 Pro Bowls? I mean, 13. Would God allow a murderer to go to 13 Pro Bowls? I rest my faith. Yes, it seemed by the end of this long and complicated day that our senses had been beaten into submission and numbed by excess.

Just as I began to question this annual ritual of violence and consumerism, I saw this one final commercial. In the eternal debate for answers, the one thing that's true is what's true for you. And I realized after seeing that that I actually f***ing love the Super Bowl. Guys getting hit really hard, hot girls kissing ugly dudes, hot dudes kissing hot horses, beer, trucks, chips. I found my answer, Scientology, and it was inside me.

My refrigerator. The whole time. We'll be right back. February 8, 2016. From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Trevor Noah. As we all know, last night was the Super Bowl. And it seems like the real MVP of the night was Beyoncé. For more, we turn to our senior Beyoncé correspondent, Jessica Williams, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Trevor. On Saturday, Beyoncé dropped her new song, Formation. And in typical Beyoncé fashion, there was an epic video to go along with it. Everybody in the Bayhive went to Knowles Con 1, which is reserved only for the most intense Beyoncé drops. JK, we're always in Knowles Con 1. And it was awesome because there was so much in this video about black female empowerment. I'm so reckless.

But it's not just about self-love. I mean, she calls out police brutality and the constant fear that black people have of the police. She even threw back to Hurricane Katrina. The black girl magic in that video was out of control. She was like a beautiful black Dumbledore, but wearing a really nice weave and $3,000 worth of Gucci. And that was just the tailgate before the big game. It really was an amazing show, but not everyone was ready for that jelly.

In the end, we find out that Beyonce dressed up in a tribute to the Black Panthers, went to a Malcolm X formation, and the song, the lyrics, which I couldn't make out a syllable, were basically telling cops to stop shooting blacks. I thought it was really outrageous that she used it as a platform to attack police officers. Is there anything in America which can exclude race? I mean, why is race brought into the halftime show at a Super Bowl game? Why?

Race was brought in because Beyonce was brought in. And race yourself, you might want to sit down for this, but Beyonce is black. Black person. You look around every day constantly reminded that you are black. We're more likely to get paid less, we're more likely to get sent to prison, and we're more likely to win a dance competition. But it's not all bad.

The point is, Beyoncé is black, and this song is her message. That's what artists do. Their message is in their music. Like how Chris Martin wore his Global Citizen armband to promote his message of ending worldwide poverty. Or how Bruno Mars delivered his message about how Uptown was gonna funk me up. That's Brett. I live Uptown. I barely slept after that performance. How dare he say something like that?

And why are people surprised that Beyoncé would send a message during the show? She's done this since the beginning of her career. Have we forgotten when she addressed the importance of mental health and crazy in love?

But look, I get it. Beyonce wasn't just doing any television performance. I mean, this was the Super Bowl. And that's what got some people pissed. You're talking to middle America when you have the Super Bowl. So if you can have entertainment, let's have, you know, decent, wholesome entertainment.

Okay, so, first of all, are you saying that you can't talk about race issues to middle America? What are they, so delicate and unaware and maybe so white that Beyoncé is too much for them? You know what's right in the middle of America? Ferguson, Missouri. Furthermore... Furthermore...

I am so sorry that this wasn't wholesome enough for you. I didn't realize that singing about race was equivalent to Janet Jackson getting her titty pulled out at the Super Bowl. But you're right. You know what? The fans deserve wholesome entertainment, like watching 300-pound men give each other concussions while a crowd cheers like we're extras in the movie Gladiator. So what is wrong with Beyoncé, everyone? Were you not entertained? Jessica Williams, everyone. We'll be right back.

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From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Trevor Noah. What's up? Gotta say it. Congratulations, Philadelphia Eagles. Well done.

First Super Bowl victory ever. And from the way the fans celebrated, you could tell that they were new at this. Overnight, Philly streets erupt. Celebrations turn to riots. Rowdy fans rip down lampposts, storming the city hall gates. The celebration quickly got rowdy. Fans pulled down traffic lights, started fires, and tipped over cars. Come on!

They climbed on top of the Ritz-Carlton awning, which ended up collapsing. Police were left powerless as this fan hopped on top of a police van, riding it through the massive crowd. Damn! It got so crazy that the police were left powerless? The poor police. What happened? They were like, we couldn't do anything. They-they were white. We just...

Why would you burn your city down when you won? Like, now I feel like the Eagles fans need to lose every year just so that they can go out and fix things. Oh, well, there's always next year, boys. Hand me a wrench. Hand me a wrench. You know what it feels like, actually? It feels like the Eagles fans thought they were going to lose, so they planned a riot, but then they won, and they didn't want to let a good riot go to waste. They're like, yeah, let's do it anyway. I love this city! Yeah! I mean, they were jumping on top of the awning at the Ritz-Carlton.

How did they even get up there? Can you imagine how terrified the fancy rich people in the Ritz Carlton were? Like just people outside the room would be like, "Dear Lord, Margaret, Margaret, Margaret! "The revolution is happening! "It's happening, Margaret! "Hide the silver, hide the silver!"

Like, it's, you know, it's hard enough for me to understand why happy people are burning things and trashing cars. Like, that's already strange to me. But one fan was so excited that for some reason, and this is a real thing, he got so excited, he was eating horse shit. What?

The hell Like I never thought I would say this but we found the one guy who actually needs to eat Tide Pods Congratulations Eagles February 3rd 2020

From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Trevor Morse. Let's kick it off with the Super Bowl. Yesterday's big game was very exciting. Like, I don't know why they don't just make every football game the Super Bowl, you know? That way you get more people watching. And the best thing about it is, even if you don't like the sport, you're bound to find something else exciting. They have done it.

Chiefs are Super Bowl champions. Superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes leading the charge in a thrilling comeback, defeating the San Francisco 49ers. Mahomes making history at just 24 years old, becoming the youngest quarterback to be named Super Bowl MVP. I'm going to Disney World. Shakira.

and Jennifer Lopez wowed the crowd, singing and dancing up a storm. - There's one person though at the Super Bowl who wasn't that impressed. Check out this one fan in the stands. We got a picture of this. This guy is out cold. A sports reporter caught him catching some Z's during the game. He most likely of course paid a lot of money to score a seat. The average price for a Super Bowl ticket is close to seven grand.

Okay, okay, okay. There are two ways to see this. Either you can be mad because this guy wasted a lot of money just to miss an incredible experience, or you can see it as this dude bawling out so hard he spent $7,000 just to take a nap. That's a surf. But seriously, how chaotic is this guy's life that he's like, I need to go to the Super Bowl just so I can have a quiet place to sleep.

Like, how noisy is his home? He must have, like, 13 kids, and every one of them is Bernie Sanders. "Dead! Dead! Dead! I can't find my toys! The DNC stole them from me! Dead! Dead!" But we're just kidding around. This guy is clearly dead. Now, um, the big moment from last night that everyone was talking about-- or raving about, rather-- was J.Lo and Shakira. They killed it. They really killed it. Yeah. But some people were really pissed that J.Lo pulled out a stripper pole to do some moves.

Now, look, I understand some parents might be angry because there are kids who watch the game. So for all those parents, just tell your kid J.Lo's a fireman. All right? Problem solved. Right. And here's another thing. J.Lo spent months learning how to be a professional pole dancer for her movie "Hustlers." Let me tell you something. If I spend that much time learning how to pole dance, I would be pole dancing every chance I get. I don't care where I am. I would be doing it. I'd be in the subway like... ♪ Jump on it ♪ ♪ Let's do it ♪

Right in my pony neck.

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