TDS Time Machine | Sports War 2024
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Hey, it's me, Michael Kosta. The Daily Show is on break for the holidays, but in the meantime, we put together some special highlights just for you. We'll be back in the new year on January 7th with all new episodes.

Let's get right to the biggest story of the night. Kaitlyn Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets a little less fun after college. Welcome to the WNBA, Kaitlyn Clark, the NCAA's all-time Division I scoring leader, made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana Fever last night. She got off the road and she's back on the road again.

Off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in the Fever's 92-71 loss to the Connecticut Sun. She also committed 10 turnovers. Sorry, feminists.

10 turnovers and the team lost by 20 points in her first game. I've seen enough, man. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA. Raleigh, Raleigh.

I'm going to hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Roddy. Look at these things. She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan. I have a stat right here for you, okay? Look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until he was 38.

You're the god of whatever that is. Okay, here's your stat right here. Eat shit, okay? Moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the Olympics in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty, literally. There's a huge effort to get the River Seine fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month said the bacteria, including pollution of fecal organs,

The origin was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. coli to an unacceptable level. And Olympic organizers still hope that the River Seine can be used for the swimming events.

Ooh, the River Seine is filled with E. coli. That is gross. These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old-fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic Village. Only way to do it. The only way to do it. Wrong as usual, Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E. coli, okay? Because if you're a world-class athlete, then prove it by posting it.

- Co-vaulting with active diarrhea. - Oh, you love, you love, you love E. coli, Ronnie. - I love it. - You love it, you love it. The last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E. coli on chicken kebabs like Salt Bae, you know? - Yeah, I love that stuff. - Your hospitality was for the birds, Ronnie, the birds, two stars, I was puking all night. - Yeah, well, I puke from just looking at your oblong face. - Oblong face, is that right? Is that how you say it? The point is, just like the Fourth of July at Ronnie's house, the Olympics are gonna be rife with E. coli, which brings us to J. Clep's bet of the week.

where you can pick which country will get the most E. coli in the 2024 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Start spending. You've already won. And don't forget...

Don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code CLEPPERSUCKS, all cash. I don't like that. I told you I don't like that code. It's not you, okay? It's a different Clepper. It is? Okay, that's fine then. That's okay. No, I'm just kidding. It's you because you suck. I suck. I suck. You blow. Who cares? We're all dead inside. Get over it. Let's talk about sports. All right, speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make, talking.

Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by kicker Harrison Butker during the commencement speech at Benedictine in Atchison. Butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and demanded that men be more masculine. Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men. Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker, okay? Yeah, they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage.

And I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan.

Congratulations, Jordan. For the first time in your life, someone on the football team is speaking to you. You don't have to wear that fake varsity jacket anymore. you, Ronnie. I told you that in confidence. Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends. Anyway, this kicker thing, this kicker thing raises a larger problem. Why do we have people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our hands, like Ronnie's mom, you know? That's what she does. That's wrong, Jordan. You know my entire family has a foot fetish. True.

Which brings us to our bet everything wage of the evening. Which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it will fix everything. Speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story. Prosecutors in Los Angeles say Shohei Ohtani's former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost $17 million from the L.A. Dodgers superstar.

The U.S. Attorney's Office say Ipe Mizuara used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without Ohtani's knowledge. This interpreter stole $17 million from Ohtani. That settles it. Interpreters should be outlawed, okay? If you don't know the language, you should just have to guess. Hard disagree. Hard disagree, Roddy. The problem isn't interpreters. It's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.

Big surprise. Of course, this is just English. That's the only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain over here. English. English is going to be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the major league language here. Why would I go back to AAA and learn Finnish? Oh, what? Finnish? That's not even a real language, you dumbass. It is. It's what they speak in Canada. Ronnie, read a book. All right?

But do it on your own time because we are on to the big bet of the night. Is this Otani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society? Brought to you by gambling. Remember, gambling? Bet now, live forever. Well, we're out of time. Join us next time on Sports War. We'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract E. coli? Good night, America. Gambly!

What's up, morons? I'm Ronnie Chang. And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. For example, if I say Ronnie Chang doesn't suck... Oh, well, then I have to disagree with you on that, Jordan. Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover. Yes! Yes!

You left out that you're also rude to service workers. Let's start with the biggest story in sports, the show of her round the world. This physical moment involving the WNBA's most high-profile rookie raising questions. Chicago's Kennedy Carter shoulder-checking the fever's Kaitlyn Clark, knocking her to the ground. Oh! Oh! Oh! Throw the flag! Send her to the hay! Come on!

Caitlin Clark is clearly getting bullied. I'm sick of it. You can't just push people in sports unless it's football, hockey, dude basketball, the Little League World Series, or being drunk dad at the Little League World Series. Well, I hope one of those dads shoves you into traffic, Jordan, because you couldn't be more wrong.

As a lifelong WNBA fan since Caitlin Clark joined the league a few weeks ago, I can say with absolute certainty that that shove was barely a foul. Hey, WNBA needs to get harder if they want me, their target demographic, to keep watching, okay? You hear that, WNBA? Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you can't get hard. Just ask Jordan. Are you saying my penis is soft or nonexistent?

Whichever hurts your feelings more. Jokes on you, Ronnie. I'm dead inside. Look, I relate to Caitlin Clark, a superstar at the top of her game, surrounded by jealous peers. Caitlin, I see you. I am you. And we're not going to let bottom feeders like Ronnie Chang push us around.

Which brings us to tonight's Jay Kleps can't lose bet of the week. What's the source of Ronnie Chang's crippling inferiority complex? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. You can only lose if you stop.

Okay, moving on from the greatest women's basketball player to the greatest men's basketball player's son. - Bronny James, the son of NBA superstar LeBron James, will remain in the NBA draft. His agent confirmed his decision today. James will forgo his college eligibility after playing one season with USC.

LeBron and Bronny James could be the first father and son duo to play at the same time in the NBA. He's projected to be a second round pick primarily because his father is LeBron James.

- Yo, Bronny should not enter the NBA at all, okay? There's zero chance he can live up to the legacy of his father. Go do something else, like being a tall dentist, or a tall architect, or a medium-sized, world's tallest man. Quit while you're not ahead. - Oh yeah, that's good advice, Bronny. You should take it. Of course, Bronny should join the NBA. The children of great people are always great themselves. Don, Jr., RFK, Jr.,

Carl's Jr. All great men. The only pressure here is on LeBron. If his sperm can't produce a 12-time NBA all-star who reinvigorates the Space Jam franchise, LeBron is overrated. Overrated? That's just what your mom said to me last night. So you made love to my mother poorly?

Like I said, Jordan, I'm a selfish lover. Which brings us to Ronnie's slam dunk bet of the night. Who will be a greater disappointment to their father, Ronnie James or Jordan Klepper? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling is like taking candy from a baby, but the candy is money. Finally, we turn to the shocking retirement of a sports legend. Well, he has won the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest six times.

six times, but Takiru Kobayashi is retiring from competitive eating. He says he has health concerns now he needs to tend to. He's 46 years old and says decades of overeating has left him with no appetite or sensation of fullness.

Holy shit! This guy can't tell when he's hungry or full. It sounds like his stomach just pulled a Jerry Maguire on him. Just grabbed the goldfish, said adios to the kidney, and walked right out. Does not sound like it was worth it. This was absolutely worth it, okay, Jordan? He got to eat tons of hot dogs, and now he has no appetite. It's like free Ozempic, okay? Kobayashi's a legend, not to mention he's Asian. Shout-out Asians.

That's right. I've only gotten to use that, like, four times in my life. And shame on you, Jordan, for not supporting the work of one of our greatest Asian athletes. Hey, hey, you are wrong. You're wrong, Rodney. I fully support his decision to step away from the game. Which brings us to our Double Down, Better Than Nights. Which Asian that hosts this program will retire next?

Brought to you by gambling. Have you lost the ability to experience sensation? Try gambling and see how worse it can get. Well, we are out of time. Well, I'm not retired. Well, it's too late. The fans have spoken, Ronnie. Join us next time on Sports War. We'll be debating pickleball. Better with guns? No, no. I think it is. I do. Are you kidding?

What's up, idiots? I'm Roy Chang. And I'm Michael Kosta. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say I love baguettes... Then I say, f*** you, croissants for life. And if I say that the best French New Wave director is Goudard... Well, then I say, f*** you, Truffaut's movies were just as revolutionary but more accessible to a wider audience. Shut the f*** up, you guys.

up, you Philistine. Now that the 2024 Paris Olympics are over, you'll probably miss watching women's beach volleyball every day in your office. Learn how to knock, Ronnie. But another highlight was the utter dominance of USA men's basketball. LeBron James, Kevin Durant, and Steph Curry teaming up in a thrilling gold medal game against host country France, winning by 11 points. It's everything I imagined and more. We all signed up for this mission to...

continue the USA basketball dominance. That's right. Suck it, France. Pack your bags and go back to wherever it is that you came from. This just proves America is the best at the sports that we invent. Costa, you drooling moron. America should be embarrassed that you only beat France by 11 points. You basically lost. That score should have been 270 to 12. These players shouldn't even be allowed back in the country. Hey, LeBron James, you stay in France and you think about what you just did. LAUGHTER

Ronnie, Ronnie, I swear, putting you on TV feels like a make-a-wish, all right? Not only did Steph and LeBron dominate, but they found a way to make it entertaining against a weak opponent. And believe me, it takes real skill to put on a great show, even when you're out there with a smaller, inferior co-host. Yeah.

Costa, you're the Tyrese Halliburton of this team, okay? Only 1% of our audience even knows who you are. Well, you're like the Seine River, just filled with diarrhea, which brings us to our Costa's Big Balls Better Than Night. Which river will Ronnie Chang mysteriously drown in? As always, brought to you by gambling. Remember, you're not you when you're not gambling.

Moving on to an unexpected Olympic showdown. It was the return of the world's fastest man against the world's fastest virus. It was supposed to be a golden moment for U.S. sprinter Noah Lyles. This is where he gets to show his...

But instead, the 27-year-old failed to take the lead in the 200-meter event, finishing with a bronze medal. He embraced fellow racers before he knelt to the ground, appearing to struggle for breath. After the race, Lyles revealed he tested positive for COVID two days earlier, but decided to still compete.

What an incredible accomplishment for Noah Laos and an incredible embarrassment for the people who trained every day for four years and lost to a guy with fluid in his lungs.

Yo, why don't you just keep running off the track and right into traffic? Right? Ronnie, like my negative COVID test this morning, you couldn't be more wrong. This was an absolute disaster for the whole world. He won an Olympic medal with COVID and ruined the last valid excuse we all had to miss work. Your shitty boss is gonna be like, if no Liles can run 200 meters with COVID, then you gotta keep teaching these CPR classes. Yeah.

Which brings us to Ronnie's Bigger Balls bet of the evening. Which disease will Michael Kosta get next? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It will fix everything.

Let's move on to the athlete from down under that everyone is talking about and sure to be this year's most popular Halloween costume. Australian breaker Ray Gunn went viral for her memorable routine. Rachel Gunn, the b-girl from Australia, failed to score a single point during her Olympics competition going head-to-head with some of the world's best breakers during the sports Olympic debut. Her signature moves include the sprinkler.

and the kangaroo hop. Reagan actually has a PhD in breakdance and was Australia's only woman to qualify for the Olympics. Wow. Thank you, Australia. That was inspirational. Yeah. She's the Australian breakdancing Jamaica bobsled team of the French Olympics. She was so bad with so much confidence. Some experts are speculating that she had Ronnie Chang syndrome. Oh, my God.

I hope that Turkish guy shoots you in your stupid face, right? This was a terrible moment for the Olympics, for Australia, for descendants of criminals, for dancers, for kangaroos, for white people that want to be black. It just shows you the pathetic level of talent in Australia. You fit in perfectly, Costner. Fit in a country of tall, tan, hot people? When I say, good day, mate. Fuck.

Finally, as we say goodbye to the Paris Olympics, let's take a look at the final medal count. Look at that. 126 medals. The United States has clearly won the Olympics. USA all the way. Oh, what's that? Singapore's only won one medal? Hey, Ronnie, where did you grow up again?

Costa, you're a bigger dick than that French pole vaudeville's actual dick, right? If you factor in population size, the U.S. actually finished 59th in medals per capita. And by that metric, you know who performed almost 50 times better than the U.S.? Grenada. Ronnie, you idiot, it's pronounced Canada. Learn the language.

Bringing us to our free ball and college fun quadrupler bet of the evening. Which country that Ronnie grew up in will embarrass themselves at the 2028 Olympics? Brought to you by gambling. It's not an addiction if you win. All right, well, we're out of time. Join us next time on Sportswear, where we're going to debate if Simone Biles is so good, why isn't she taller? Oh, you're taller. You suck. You look like shit.

What's up, morons? I'm Ryan Chang. And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say we need stronger helmets and football to prevent concussions... I say...

that. We were bored with the helmet. It's called a skull. Well, lucky for us, yours is empty. It's October, but one month where practically every league is going at it like some kind of sports gangbang. That's right. There's more balls flying around than that time Ronnie wore his Daisy Dukes to the office. Well, that's on you for looking. And...

Nowhere is the sports gang paying hotter right now than here in New York. Between the Liberty, the Mets, the Yankees, the Knicks, this city could only be happier if Ronnie announced he was leaving it. Well, if I ever leave, it's because your mom is getting too clingy. Nice one, Ronnie. I hope you get circumcised in your sleep. And while many New York sports fans are celebrating, there's one team showing us that Boeing ain't the only one with imploding jets.

Now to breaking news in sports. The Jets have fired their head coach, Robert Sala, just five games into the season, a move that comes two days after they just lost in London in disappointing fashion. There is rampant speculation that Aaron Rodgers is behind the firing of Sala.

J-E-T-S. Suck, suck, suck. Oh, man. What a terrible move by the Jets. Coach Sala wasn't the problem. It's clearly Aaron Rodgers. That's like me firing the camera guy for the stupid shit that comes out of Ronning's mouth.

Yeah, well, your mouth looks like a fish vagina. And you couldn't be more wrong, okay? Firing Salah is exactly what the Jets need. For 55 years, they've sucked with a coach. Hey, maybe it's time to play without one. Just one season raw-dogging it without a coach, and hey, maybe the Jets will win the Super Bowl. The only thing getting raw-dogged is your brain. You can't let a bunch of NFL players coach themselves. They need Google Maps just to get out of the huddle. But...

We all know there's only one, maybe two people crazy enough to take a job coaching the Jets. Which brings us to our Jordan Klepper locked and loaded triple VIP better than night. Which Menendez brother will be the next coach of the Jets? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If you think you have a problem, stop thinking. Stop thinking.

Moving on from an upset man to the upset of the year. Next, a once-in-a-lifetime upset in college football. Vanderbilt beat number one Alabama on Saturday 40-35. Vanderbilt students were so excited they tore down one of the goal posts and carried it a couple miles into downtown Nashville. Then they tossed it into the Cumberland River. Okay, okay, okay. Rate it in, you private school nerds.

Winning is exciting, but show a little class. You don't gloat in front of the other team's fans. You bully them online like a normal person. Okay, Jordan, I know you're not used to winning, but this is what it looks like, okay? You're just mad they threw the goalposts in the river because you empathize with long, skinny, useless things. Which brings us to our Rodney Chang show in VVIP Better Than Night. Which river will we dump Jordan in after tonight's show? As always, brought to you by gambling.

Gambling. Your wife can't leave you if you win. And finally, moving on to a more somber story as we honor the passing of one of America's greatest heroes. Pete Rose, Major League Baseball's all-time hits leader who was famously banned from the sport for gambling...

has died. Rose was famously banned from the Baseball Hall of Fame for gambling allegations. He denied those allegations for years before eventually admitting that he did bet on baseball, both as a player and as a manager. All while he lobbied to be considered for the Hall of Fame, his lifelong wish never granted.

Now, I don't want to discount what Jackie Robinson did, but what Pete Rose accomplished was a billion times more important. He's a legend in two of America's pastimes, gambling as a player and gambling as a coach.

Pete Rose definitely belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Jordan, have you been hit in your oblong head by another pitch? Pete Rose doesn't belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame. A hero like him belongs in every Hall of Fame. Baseball, basketball, rock and roll, hip-hop, automotive, Arby's. Put his name on a Vietnam memorial. Everywhere. Yo, they should hang his bookie's phone number from the rafters.

Boy, Ronnie, I really wish God took you instead of Pete Rose. Which brings us to my Jordan's Champagne Room boom bat of the night. What will Pete Rose gamble on first in heaven?

As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. When it stops being fun is when it gets good. All right, and that's all the stories this week. Join us next time on Sports Walk. Yeah, we'll debate if it counts as cheating on your wife if you do it with a tackling dummy. Well, obviously not. Wait, do we agree on this one? Wait, no, we can't agree on that. We can't agree on that.