TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
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You're listening to Comedy Central. Yeah!

The Oscars are just around the corner. That magical night when America's finest actors seethed with rage while British people pretending to be Americans steal their awards.

And if you're not excited about the Academy Awards, welcome to the club. They suck! For years, the Oscars broadcast has drawn fewer people than the strip aerobics class I teach. It's exercise, and it helps me unlock my sensuality.

So this year, the producers are trying to get us watching again in ways that range from the idiotic to the insane. The producers of the Oscars are slimming down the broadcast in an effort to boost slumping ratings. Eight awards will now be presented off-air, including the Oscars for film editing, makeup and the hairstyling, and music original score.

The ceremony for those categories will begin an hour before the telecast. The winners will then be sprinkled into the three-hour broadcast. The president of the Academy says the changes are necessary for the future success of the Oscars. You can't cut out the men and women who work behind the scenes.

Without them on stage, the Oscars are just awards for Hollywood's greatest sex criminals. How sad is it that the Academy has decided that the reason people don't want to watch its award show is that there are too many awards? Recognizing excellence through awards is the whole point! Without that, the Oscars are totally meaningless! Also, with that, the Oscars are totally meaningless!

It's especially unfair not to broadcast that makeup and hairstyle Oscars. Those people are the backbone of our industry. I have a whole team of people working hours to make me this beautiful.

Now, if people simply don't care about the little awards, then sure, cutting them will make the show more appealing. The problem is nobody cares about the big awards either because they keep nominating movies nobody has seen. Okay, I did see "The Power of the Dog," but only because they tricked me into thinking it was a superhero movie. If the dog doesn't fly, that's not a power. So now the Academy has a real problem.

Sure, they could just nominate movies ordinary people like, but that wouldn't be a good idea either, because ordinary people are morons who only like dumb movies that don't deserve nominations.

So instead, they come up with the perfect way to pander to fans while also insulting our intelligence. And the Motion Picture Academy is looking to get film fans involved. The Hollywood Reporter says this year folks on Twitter get to vote on their favorite movies of last year using the hashtag #OscarsFanFavorite. It can be any title, so you're not limited just to this year's nominated pictures.

The movie that gets the most fan votes will be recognized during the Oscar show. What a great idea! Let's let Russian bots choose the Oscars. They did such a terrific job with our elections. There's already a vote for fan favorite.

It's called buying a ticket, asshole! If the Oscars are so desperate for viewers, there are better ways to get eyeballs than cutting categories or polling Twitter. How about a halftime show? It works for the Super Bowl! Also, how about making the stars smash their heads together until they get brain damage? It works for the Super Bowl! But really, we all know what makes the Oscars such a drag.

Those interminable speeches and clearly playing people off with music doesn't do jack shit. And that's why I've come up with a way to guarantee the winners don't wear out their welcome. All right, everyone, let's keep it short. My bus transfer expires in 15 minutes and I intend to use it.

Thank you to the Academy. Our heroes unite us, you know, the best among us who inspire us to find the best in ourselves. You know, when they unite us, when we look to our heroes, we agree. Yeah, we all agree your speech has gone on long enough. Save the rest for your diary, Bridget Jones. Venus and Serena and Selena. Bob Dylan. Scorsese.

Fred Rogers, Harriet Tubman, Neil Armstrong's Sally Ride, Dolores Fuerta. - Neil Armstrong's speech was one sentence. You're a disgrace to his legacy. - Thank you, thank you all so very much.

As the hottest year in recorded history, our production needed to move to the southern tip of this planet just to be able to find snow. You gotta be kidding me, the glaciers may be melting, but at least they move faster than this! For the last time, keep the speeches short and to the point! We feel entitled to artificially inseminate a cow, and when she gives birth, we steal her baby, even though her cries of anguish are unmistakable.

and then we take her milk that's intended for her calf and we put it in our coffee and our cereal. Oh, come on, not for nothing, but if you'd wrapped that up earlier, I wouldn't have needed a midnight snack. That's not only a great idea, it's a great performance. Where's my Oscar? Well, last night in Los Angeles, Academy voters finally answered one of Hollywood's age-old questions. You like movies about gladiators? The answer? Sort of.

The action-adventure epic "Gladiator" took home Best Picture honors at the 73rd Annual Academy Awards. But keep in mind, the direction, screenplay, score, editing, cinematography, set direction, and supporting actor apparently could have been better.

The evening saw no clear winner as the major awards were split between a handful of films, primarily Traffic, Gladiator, the Chinese language martial arts epic Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and to a much, much, much lesser extent, Space Cowboys. Gladiator's Russell Crowe walked away with Best Actor honors and he had a few people to thank. I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd also like to thank my mom and dad.

He also thanked the riverboat captain, who apparently just dropped him off. As for Best Actress, it came as little surprise that Julia Roberts took home the trophy for her work in Erin Brockovich. You know, interesting side note, the producers imposed a 45-second speech limit, but Ms. Roberts took five minutes. She used it well. I love it up here. Turn that clock off, it's making me nervous. My name starts with R.

There's four minutes and 40 more seconds of that. Bon appétit. In keeping with The Daily Show's ongoing commitment to the disabled, we'd like to present a translation of Robert's speech for the hearing impaired. And just Francis and Marcus and Mike and everybody who's watching home, Kelly, Emma, everybody, I love the world. I'm so happy. Thank you. I learned that from Children of a Lesser God.

Like any respectable news organization, we pour unlimited resources into our Oscar coverage. So we're going to take you out live to Los Angeles where chief entertainment correspondent Nancy Walls is still at the shrine standing by on the red carpet. So, Nancy, a big night last night. You had the best seat in the house, I imagine. Oh, you better believe it, Steven.

This red carpet featured a veritable who's who of who interviews who, as all the stars were asked questions by the best in the business. If you're a fan of famous people who make their living asking questions of people who are even more famous, then this was ground zero. Joan and Melissa Rivers were here. Also on hand, Access Hollywood's Pat O'Brien.

When he mused, if the crow would fly for Oscar, I had to go stand over a fan. Mary Hart was here, and who was that handsome man by her side? Why, it was her cameraman, Reginald. Yes, Stephen, it was truly a night where the Hollywood that celebrates Hollywood celebrated itself. Thank you, Nancy. That sounds great.

This year's show had a decidedly international flavor, with Ang Lee's Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon taking home a cluster of awards. It's safe to say that the Oscar stage has never before seen such a multicultural parade of influences and a wonderful assortment of strange new tongues. And then there was Bob Dylan.

Dylan's satellite performance live from Australia came on the heels of performances by other international superstars, most notably Icelandic pop goddess Björk Gudmundsdottir, acclaimed cellist Jojo Ma, and Philadelphia 76er center Dikembe Mutombo. He wasn't actually there, I just like saying his name.

Further adding to the international flavor, the Irving Fahlberg Award this year presented to Italy's 81-year-old producing legend, Dino De Laurentiis. My gratitude go to six beautiful women. They love me, they give me hope. My wife Marta, my daughter Veronica, Raffaella, Francesca, Carolina, Lettredina.

De Laurentiis went way over his time limit because he kept interrupting himself by saying, let's take another look at my wife. Can you believe I'm up in that? I mean, look at me. My skin hangs from my body. My skin hangs from my body like a warm dough. I'm barely a human and I can take her any time I want. Who is your gladiator now?

Last night's ceremonies were watched by almost a billion people around the world. It's what makes the Oscars special. Our own European correspondent, Steve Carell, watched the spectacle from war-torn Macedonia, where he is stationed. We have him on the phone live. Steve?

are you there? Hello, Steven. What image will you keep with you from last night? Well, there are so many, but I'd say one picture I'll never get out of my mind was that of the Macedonian tank columns rolling into Tetevo, devouring everything beneath their ravenous steel treads and reducing this once great civilization to a nightmarish hellscape of unspeakable anguish.

So I take it you didn't get a chance to watch the Oscars. Are you kidding? We're gonna miss it for the world! When Julia won, I was crying. I mean, I started crying because of an atrocity I saw perpetrated on a busload of refugees, but I saved a few tears for Julia. She earned them! Thank you, Steve. You be careful over there. I sure will. Oh, do me a favor. Will you tell my wife that I love her? You know, just in case.

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Welcome back to The Daily Show. Are you guys as excited as I am about the awards season? Yeah? Yeah? I mean, we just had the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, and of course, the Fake News Awards, which was the biggest fake news of all because it wasn't even awards. It was a shitty website, Trump. I mean, you could have put a little bit of effort into it. Some of us took out ads and got our hair did, but whatever. I'm not angry.

But now, there's the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. And this year, granddad's got some new moves.

In Hollywood this morning, the Motion Picture Academy did spread the wealth around a number of diverse projects. And the movie with the most nominations was made by a man from Mexico. With 774 new Academy voters in the mix for 2018. Said to be younger and more diverse in gender, ethnicity, and geography than in years past. A more inclusive group of nominees across the board may be the result.

the aim of the Academy's membership initiative in the wake of 2016's Oscars So White protests. That's right. This year's Oscars are so diverse that they're re-nominating La La Land just so they can take the Oscar away from it again. Here with his insider's look at the nominees is our own awards season expert, Roy Wood Jr., everybody. Right.

I'm an expert. Expert. Expert indeed. What's up, Roy? Hey, man, look. In the past, it was hashtag OscarsSoWhite, but this year, it's hashtag OscarsSoSorry. People who were long overlooked are finally getting their due. Obviously, the big one is Get Out. Four top nominations. That's dope. Little known fact, Trevor, a lot of people don't know this. Get Out is based on a true story. Wait, it is? Hell yeah.

Get Out is the true story of a prominent black neurosurgeon trapped inside the Trump administration. Now, they changed some of the details, but tell me, tell me this ain't Ben Carson every day. Well, well, I find that the African-American experience for me has been, for the most part, very good. Damn, Roy, I never thought of that. Right down to the hat. That's Ben Carson. Someone should try and free Ben Carson with a flash photo. That wouldn't work. His eyes are always closed. He-he-he-he-he.

And now, now, Roy, the star of that movie, Daniel Kaluuya, he picked up his first Oscar nomination. -Mm-hmm. -How do you like his odds? Oh, he good. He good, man. It's a British black dude playing an American black dude. That's like how you sit at this desk and pretend to be Australian every night, or whatever the hell accent that is. -Wait, what? -But also, man, don't count out Denzel. In Roman J. Israel, Denzel Washington plays Questlove playing a lawyer.

The layers of that performance, bro. -Boy... -Layers. He's not playing Questlove. I know. He becomes Questlove.

Now, this is also a great time for black actresses. Octavia Spencer. Octavia Spencer, man, became the first black woman to get nominated two years running. And then there's the Best Supporting Actress nominee, Miss Mary J. Blige. Yeah, that was... that was amazing. And I've got to admit, that was a nice surprise. Aw, man, it wasn't that surprising. As soon as I saw Mudbound, I knew Mary J. was getting a nomination. She ain't wearing no makeup. Trevor, any time...

Anytime a black woman in a film don't put on no makeup, you know it's gonna be some serious acting. You got Oprah in the color purple, Monique in precious, and Madea in Alex Cross. I almost didn't recognize her.

Oh, man, Roy, you know, the truth is representation is so much better this year. Like, Jordan Peele and Greta Gerwig for Best Director. Mudbound's Rachel Morrison is the first ever woman nominated for cinematography. That's right, man. Everybody got recognized, man. Black people, women people. But you're forgetting the biggest breakthrough of them all: fish people. Did you see Shape of Water? They got a fish person, an actual fish person, not in a background role like they normally get.

This fish person is the romantic lead, and he got to smash. Bro, that never happens. A fish got to smash. Fish people never get to smash. That doesn't sound like a... Oh, oh, wait, wait, you're right, you're right. Little Mermaid, she got some pipe, but only after she turned into a human. Now, I'm not blaming the Little Mermaid as an actress. Back then was a different time in Hollywood. Fish people had to take the roles they could get.

But this dude in Shape of Water, yo, he's openly fish and still gets the girl. Suck it, Aquaman. Roy Wood Jr., everybody. Ready to optimize your nutrition this year? Meat Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal service. Factor's fresh, never-frozen meals are dietician-approved and ready-to-eat in just two minutes. Their chefs handle the shopping and the chopping, delivering fresh, fully-cooked meals to your door. All you have to do is heat.

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That includes our introductory five-piece system, free gifts, free shipping, and a 60-day money-back guarantee. All that available at MeaningfulBeauty.com. - The Oscar nominations were announced today, and diversity was clearly on people's minds. Regina King was nominated for Best Supporting Actress. Well deserved. And, this is amazing to me, Spike Lee got his first nomination for Best Director.

And it's crazy. It's crazy that it took that long for him to be recognized after he spent years directing the Indiana Pacers to go themselves.

But this year, this year is different. I mean, it's gotten so black that two of the Best Picture nominees had the word "black" in them. Yeah, it's like Academy voters were like, "Okay, we don't want another Oscar so white. Uh, Black Panther, uh, Black Klansman, you know, screw it. Let's nominate Black Mirror, too. Put Black Mirror in there. It's a TV show. I don't care. We're playing it safe." So here to talk about the rest of the nominations is someone who was in one of the year's biggest movies, Crazy Rich Asians, our very own Ronnie Chang, everybody. -Thank you. -Thank you. Ronnie.

It's always an exciting day when the Oscar nominations come out. It's a wide-open field. Who do you think is gonna take home Best Picture? Trevor, who gives a shit about Best Picture, all right? The story this year is all about the deserving nominees who are snubbed. Snubs, snubs, and more snubs, especially in the only category that anyone actually cares about, Best Supporting Actor. For performance by an actor in a supporting role, Mahershala Ali in Green Book.

Adam Driver in Black Klansman. Sam Elliott in A Star is Born. Richard E. Grant in Can You Ever Forgive Me? And Sam Rockwell in Vice. Oh, wow. Great job, Academy. Solid group of nominees. But maybe you're snubbing someone. Someone like, I don't know, me, Ronny Chieng? Supporting actor in Crazy Rich Asians, available on iTunes and airplanes everywhere? Wait. Wait, Ronny, you...

You genuinely think you've been snubbed? I think I've been... Yeah, of course I've been snubbed. I lost out... I lost to a bunch of no-name, uh, hacks. Come on, Ronnie. Those are great actors in this category. Sam Elliott was amazing in A Star Is Born. Sam Elliott. Listen, Trevor, everyone in the business knows his mustache is doing all the acting, okay?

I could have grown a mustache like that, but I care too much about the craft to rely on cheap facial props like that, okay? Also, my lip can't do that. Okay, well... Okay, well, fine. What about Adam Driver in Black Klansman? Uh, you mean emo Darth Vader who brought whining to a galaxy far, far away? Big deal. He played a Jewish guy pretending to be in the KKK. I was playing a Chinese person from Hong Kong when I'm really a Chinese person from Malaysia, okay? That's range.

Plus, in the movie, I had to play an asshole, when in reality, I'm more of a dick, okay? And understanding that subtle difference is what separates the best supporting men from the best supporting boys, okay? And what about Mahershala Ali, huh? He just sat in the car for two hours. I do that every time I take an Uber. All I get is two stars.

And don't get me started on Richard E. Grant. I bet you're like, "Who's that?" Right, Trevor? - No, actually, we know him. He's the veteran actor, he's a character actor, he's been in movies for decades. - Okay, what? Shut up, Trevor. All right, you know what? I should nominate you for least supportive friend.

Besides, this guy's movie only made $8 million. I know Instagram stories that made more money, all right? Last and certainly the least, Sam Rockwell in "Vice," again. He already won last year. Are we just gonna keep nominating him? Is this the Best Supporting Actor Award or the Best Sam Rockwell Award? Plus, there's already another Sam nominated, okay? Too many Sams. #OscarsSoSams. - Wow, wow, wow, Ronnie.

You... you really seem angry about this, man. Oh, yeah? Well, guess what, Trevor? I'm... I'm actually not angry. That was... that was all just acting. Oh, wow! That was great! Yeah! Oh, wow! Dude, you... I'm not gonna lie. You actually had us going. Uh, yeah. Thank you. And, uh, I hope the Academy will, uh, consider this episode for next year's Oscars. Well, we're on TV, so it's not eligible for those awards. Goddamn it! Will the slums never end? Ronnie Chang, everybody! We'll be right back!

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