TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
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You're listening to Comedy Central. We're going to shift gears just a little bit and talk about another pressing issue that's been in the news, global warming. There have been some recent disturbing reports on that front coming from the Arctic Circle. With more, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us. Appreciate it. Thank you.

What is the general picture today concerning global warming? Well, the consensus position among most scientists is it's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes. Right. But...

Why specifically do the scientists think that? Oh, specifically. Well, new findings reveal that in the past five years, the glaciers around Greenland have melted at twice their previous rate. Now, this map shows the contours of the Arctic glacial masses as they exist today. But at this rate of glacial retreat, within only three generations, the seas could rise as much as a meter, changing the map dramatically. When you say dramatically, you were talking about the change of the water level or... No, that explosion between the two of them. The maps. Yeah.

That was a dramatic change. Yeah. The arrows on that chart, is that wildlife migrating? No, those are unfrozen cavemen moving from place to place. We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem. But if they find a leader, a captain caveman, if you will, we'll be facing an even more serious problem.

So the problems that you foresee with global warming are rising sea levels. Yes. And organized flesh-eating cavemen. Potentially organized, yes. And all because you didn't buy a hybrid car this year. Wow, incredible, a small thing like that. It's like a butterfly effect, if you will. I'm sorry, a what?

A butterfly, the butterfly, like the saying, a butterfly flaps its wing in China and causes a hurricane, say, in Peru. Yeah, I don't think a butterfly could actually do that. Maybe, maybe a gigantic butterfly, like some kind of mothra-type creature. But that's a very different problem, and I want to assure you people that the mothra problem is something we have completely under control. Uh...

John, why isn't the government, our government, doing more to fight this global warming? Well, this administration feels that the areas of the nation they're most concerned about, Houston, Sun Valley, Scottsdale, they'll all be just fine. Of course, Manhattan will be more or less a swim-up bar for Long Island and New Jersey, but basically that's what it is now anyways.

Is that why the administration doesn't urge us to drive less or reduce emissions or really anything? Well, the president's position is the answer isn't regulation, but American ingenuity. So we're just going to wait for someone to solve it? No, no, no. This administration is very proactive. Using genetic testing, they've already isolated two young children whom they think have the best chance of solving the global warming crisis. Most likely through some kind of anti-global warming machine.

An aerosol spray of some kind, maybe. Or a gel. Anyway, to keep them safe, they've been placed in a raft on stilts, given some science books, but no television. And they can't get off until one of them cracks this nut. Which child do you think will do it? Oh, my money's on the kid with the bigger head. Between you and me, I think that other one is unfrozen caveman food. All right. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back after this.

For more on this concept, we turn to resident expert John Hodgman. John, of course, thank you very much for joining us. Oh, not at all, John. It's my privilege to be here. My executive privilege. I still got it. John, what is executive privilege? Executive privilege is a special right of privacy asserted by presidents when they don't want you to hear about something bad they did.

It's... It's as simple as that. Oh, yes. It's similar to claiming the Fifth or, in medieval times, tagging a priest and yelling, sanctuary. At that point, the priest was it. But presidents don't...

just invoke it to cover up something bad. Well, think about it. How often will the president say, oh my God, these memos prove I've behaved ethically throughout my term of office. Destroy them. No. Presidents invoke it in cases ranging from burglary to sex to racing dogs for money in the White House bowling alley.

Are you suggesting there was a president who raised dogs for money in the White House bowling alley? No, I'm not suggesting it. That would violate executive privilege. Instead, I'm showing you this photo. You know, what makes bowling alley dog racing so exciting is that their paws don't get any traction on the wax.

You know the White House bowling alley only has one lane. Yes, that's what's wrong with that photo. You're right. Good on. My point is this, John. Is this practice legal? Well, it's not really clear. The words executive privilege never appear in the Constitution. Still, presidents have been asserting it since the birth of our nation in 1522. 1776. Yeah, and Pluto's a planet.

It goes all the way back to our so-called first president, George Washington, who cited it regarding foreign policy. So did Thomas Jefferson regarding his love letters to Aaron Burr. James Garfield claimed executive privilege to keep doctors from removing the assassin's bullet that was lodged in his innards for four months. Funny story about Garfield. In the end, he died of sepsis. What, too soon? What? John, by the 70s, though, there was also Richard Nixon. Interesting. Go on.

Well, no, I mean, Richard Nixon was famously claiming executive privilege, Watergate, and so much with the secrecy, although ironically rigging his office with microphones and tape recording every word. I mean, ipso facto, actually, literally causing his own downfall. Fascinating. Did you know that Richard Nixon owned one of the first cell phones in the United States? Really? No. And we're back.

Now, the reason presidents claim executive privilege is to protect the public from knowing how it's being governed. There's some truth you just don't want to know. It would be like walking in on your parents while they were having sex with one of your teachers. Scarring.

But obviously this president is claiming executive privilege because that's the only way he says he can get unfettered advice. Well, there's something to that. I mean, here we are with all these people. We're not interacting in the same way we would be in private. Well, you know, John, I don't necessarily know about that. So you wouldn't mind if I played back our conversation that I taped earlier in your office this afternoon?

What conversation am I talking about? I think you know the one. Chuck, can we roll it, please? I'll tell you these motherf***ers are f***ing suckers. Make me laugh, monkey. Perhaps you should pick one out of the audience and strangle him. Legal. Pick one from the standby line. Who will miss them? And remember, no more striped ties. Red tie tonight. Red. The color of blood. Jews. Homosexuals.

I do stand by my advice, though, John. The tie looks great. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. Balancing work, family, and education isn't easy, but American Public University makes it possible. With online courses, monthly start dates, and flexible schedules, APU is designed for busy professionals who need education that fits their lives. And a

Affordability matters too. APU offers the Opportunity Grant, giving students 10% off undergraduate and master's level tuition, helping you reach your goals without breaking the bank. Plus, they provide career services and 24-7 mental health support at no extra cost.

Visit apu.apus.edu to learn more. That's apu.apus.edu. There's only one place where Go Go Beats posts through the streets, where you can visit the only national museum dedicated exclusively to African American life, history, and culture. There's only one D.C. Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Are you struggling to find an effective mental health medication? Meet the GeneSight test. Whether it's medication for anxiety, depression, or ADHD, the GeneSight test is a genetic test that analyzes how your DNA may affect medication outcomes. Along with a full medical evaluation, test results can inform your provider with valuable insights to help guide treatment. Your unique genetic blueprint may also lead to significant savings on medications.

According to a 2015 study published in the Journal of Current Medical Research and Opinion, patients who received GeneSight testing saved on total annual medication costs, took their medicine more regularly, and were on fewer medications by the end of the study compared to those who received regular treatment. Ask your provider about the GeneSight test today and move forward on your journey to mental wellness. Or visit genesight.com for more information.

Again, genesight.com for more information and to move forward on your journey to mental wellness. America's hottest new pastime is something called mixed martial arts or MMA. A few weeks ago, Ultimate Fighting, the sport's premier tournament, graced the cover of Sports Illustrated. Its weekly ratings now eclipsing those of NBA and baseball playoffs amongst young men. For more, I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thanks for being here. Good evening. Glad to be here.

Thank you for joining us on this topic. I was somewhat surprised to learn that you're an expert in this field. Oh, absolutely. I'm trained in all of the martial arts and the martial crafts. From jujitsu to Brazilian capoeira to the Israeli krav maga to the Danish martial art of havarte. Havarte is a mild cheese, right? Yes, but on the right cracker, it can be deadly.

John, it seems like mixed martial arts is really sort of exploding and coming into its own. How did all this get started? Well, John, you might be surprised to learn that fighting has actually been around for a while in all of its various separate forms. Boxing, wrestling, passive aggression. Passive aggression is considered its own sport. You don't really want to know.

But mixed martial arts, as you might imagine, combines many different fighting techniques. A well-rounded fighter will combine many styles, or he can choose from a menu of up to 12 combat combos. I recommend the number five. It's judo plus a side order of repeated elbow punching to the neck and unlimited fountain soda. I don't recall that actually being... Combat combos, John. The important thing is, two men enter the ring, but only one man...

Well, both men leave the ring, but only one of them does so having won the fight. But I say ring, of course, because it's actually a cage, a cage that is shaped as an octagon. Now, I read about that. Why is it that the cage is in the octagonal form? Well, that's a good question. What do you think?

I don't really know. You were the expert, so I thought that... Think it through, John. If you wanted people to fight in an eight-sided cage, wouldn't the natural choice of shape be an octagon?

I'm not trying to embarrass you. It's just you ask a question like that. Let's let the octagon go. Let's just let it go. Why is this sport so popular all of a sudden? Well, first of all, this is not stage. It's not professional wrestling or soccer. These are real men really going at it on the floor of an octagon. I mean...

It's no wonder that millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older sports for Ultimate Fighting's more authentic brand of homoeroticism. Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it is fighting. That's very graceful. I watch these. I'm not here to say that violent sports are bad. Good, because if you did, I'd have to, whoa, whoa, easily.

Easy, Copernicus. Don't you get started, Kepler. I'm sorry. But I know. They're gentlemen and scholars. Boxing, wrestling, karate are compelling because they have strict rules, traditions. Combining all that loses the form and the artistry. Why combine them? Well, why combine a cell phone with a camera? But that's a good question. That's my point. You just end up with a crappy phone and a crappy camera. What?

Okay, you win this round, but let me say this. It then fits in your pocket, John, and isn't that the promise of America's melting pot? You're suggesting mixed martial arts is a metaphor for America. Whoa, whoa! Easy. It's my training kicking in. I understand. You would have thought that we would have choreographed that, and yet... and yet, no. I'm not... I'm not... No, John. I'm suggesting that mixed martial arts is a metaphor for a cell phone camera, which in turn represents America.

What better emblem for our nation, after all, than a level of playing field shaped like an octagon where people of diverse cultural ass-kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start kicking ass? Now, John, I don't... So, to the cage, then? No, sir, no, to the cage. We'll be right back. Thank you. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. For more, we're joined by Daily Show resident expert John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us. Obviously, economics really...

One of your economics, one of your many fields of expertise, maybe one of your top fields. Are we in a recession? A slowdown, a difficult headwind? What is it, John? Well, John, most economists define a recession as two consecutive quarters of negative growth, while others look for widespread decline in key indicators such as retail sales, employment, and real GDP. Amateurs. Which method do you prefer? Well, I'm a little more old school, John. That's just how I roll. To me...

The most tried and true method for determining if you're in a recession begins with this little device right here. An antique stock ticker. That's... More than that. It's an antique stock ticker with a canary inside. As long as this bird is alive, the economy is doing just fine. John, I don't think that the bird is doing well. No, no, no, no, no. He's fine. He's just taking a little investment nap. Come on. Wake up there, money beak. Come on. Wake up.

Okay, that's no good. That's terrible. So this means we're in a recession. Well, let's not be hasty. It's hard to see a recession even when you're in one. The last recession, after all, began in March of 2001. Economists didn't realize it until eight months later when they had to boil their calendars to make soup. Really? That's what they had to do? Yes, really. I said it, didn't I? Indeed you did.

Unfortunately, that means the only way to determine if we're in a recession now is to travel into the future. Well, obviously, we can't do that. Well, of course we can't. I only have one time helmet. Turn it on. There we go. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back. To the future! Wow. Oh, look. The future is just as I predicted it. John. Leon. John. John. John.

John. That's weird. I thought I heard a voice from the past. Yes. But he's dead. He died in the great plague of the end of this March 2008. What? John, is there a recession? Oh, right, right. Well, let's see. Things seem pretty stable around here. I'm employed, obviously. That's always a good indicator. Oh, no. What's that? Oh, no, no. Space invaders. No, no, no, no. Camera one, take me back to the past. Oh, my God.

Wow. That was, uh... That was exciting. It was a close one. And may I say, the special effects in the future are amazing. Well, technology has advanced substantially by then. Yes, it has. Did you find anything out about the recession while you were there? Oh, no, no, I didn't find anything out. Oh, but Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.

Does it really matter whether we call it a recession or not? Well, absolutely. You don't want to panic people. But it's just semantics. Well, exactly. Words matter, John. When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed, they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're going camping forever, Money Beak, you're alive! Maybe the economy's turning around. Oh, no, no, he's still dead. I forgot. I put Money Beak on my ringtone.

Well, thank you very much, John. Money beak? All right, we'll talk to you later. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. For years, our good friend John Hodgman has served as The Daily Show's resident expert, mostly to promote his books, which are written by prison inmates and orphans. It's a pretty good scam. But with our nation and planet facing so many urgent problems, he has decided to use his expertise for the betterment of mankind in this new segment. ♪♪

It's your welcome with Jon Hodgman. Jon, so delighted that you've decided to use your powers for good. What problem are you going to solve tonight? The economy, Jon. As you know, the country is on the brink of financial collapse. Exactly. Jon, no time for questions.

Only bold, incomplete sentences. Credit, frozen. Retail sales, cratering. Problem? No consumer confidence. Let me ask you, John, what are the markets doing right now? I believe they're crashing. Right. And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He's the only one who can pilot this nation to the soft water landing we so desperately need. And so, witness our new currency, the Sully Buck. The Sully Buck.

Globally, it's already more respected than the euro. Plus, there's a built-in rewards program for every hundred celly bucks you spend, the Canadian goose is strangled. And that's direct stimulus to the goose-packing industry. It's an excellent plan, but can't we... John, every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's just like with Treasury Secretary Geithner. He spoke the other day and Wall Street panicked.

Yes, why did that happen? Well, let's take a look at the tape. We'll announce the details of this plan in the next few weeks. Sell! Sell! Sell everything! Sell all my stocks! John, John, John. Oh, I'm sorry.

I just got caught up in his wooden, nervous lack of reassurance-ness. See, it's all a matter of psychology, John. If someone can't convince us that the economy's okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in a sense, a shared illusion. Which brings me to step two. Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, Mr. Criss Angel. We're gonna try to do the impossible. I believe in you.

Specifically, Secretary-designate Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear, and then pull it out of the belly button of a Hooters waitress. All right. That's very nice. All right, so that is part two, and that's... John, John, the economy's running out of time. I'll tell you what. Let's move on to the lightning round. All right. First, to make it more appealing, sales tax will now be known as pudding. As in, hey, great, 8.25% pudding.

Next, there'll be mirrors at every cash register. Ah, so people can see themselves, give themselves a little pep talk. Yes, and also for cutting up cocaine. Also available at every cash register. Cocaine. You want cocaine. Yes, John, I've discovered that the substance cocaine makes people feel very confident. That's, that's, that's, uh, John Hodgman, that's, that's illegal. I don't think you can... No, John, I don't think you understand. Oh...

Oh, no. What is that? What's happening? That's it. That's a five-minute warning till economic collapse. It's time to break out the big stimulus guns. Emergency Christmas. What? Emergency Christmas tomorrow. There are only 14 shopping hours left. Chop, chop. Let's go. Look, it's a little bit of a late notice for an emergency. John, are you saying that you didn't get me anything for emergency Christmas? Oh, this is the worst emergency Christmas ever. Well, thank you very much for the solutions. John Hodgman, everyone. You're welcome. We'll be right back.

Balancing work, family, and education isn't easy, but American Public University makes it possible. With online courses, monthly start dates, and flexible schedules, APU is designed for busy professionals who need education that fits their lives.

And affordability matters too. APU offers the Opportunity Grant, giving students 10% off undergraduate and master's level tuition, helping you reach your goals without breaking the bank. Plus, they provide career services and 24-7 mental health support at no extra cost.

Visit apu.apus.edu to learn more. That's apu.apus.edu. There's only one place where Go Go Beats posts through the streets, where you can visit the only national museum dedicated exclusively to African American life, history, and culture. There's only one D.C. Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Are you struggling to find an effective mental health medication? Meet the GeneSight test. Whether it's medication for anxiety, depression, or ADHD, the GeneSight test is a genetic test that analyzes how your DNA may affect medication outcomes. Along with a full medical evaluation, test results can inform your provider with valuable insights to help guide treatment. Your unique genetic blueprint may also lead to significant savings on medications.

According to a 2015 study published in the Journal of Current Medical Research and Opinion, patients who received GeneSight testing saved on total annual medication costs, took their medicine more regularly, and were on fewer medications by the end of the study compared to those who received regular treatment. Ask your provider about the GeneSight test today and move forward on your journey to mental wellness. Or visit genesight.com for more information.

Again, genesight.com for more information and to move forward on your journey to mental wellness. Well, it's clear how easily the debate can be hijacked. Someone will need to ride to the rescue of health care reform. Luckily, that someone works at The Daily Show. For answers, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman, and his segment, You're Welcomed.

Thank you very much. John Hodgman, ladies and gentlemen, here to join us about this. Thank you for joining us in this important debate that Americans are now having. You're absolutely welcome. John, America is sick. It's going to take some major surgery to heal this nation. There are going to be some hard, bitter pills to swallow and also a lot of terrible medical metaphors. But don't worry. Dr. Hodgman is in.

First problem: access. Almost 50 million people in this country are uninsured. But I've happened to notice that none of those people are in Congress. Every one of us in Congress have a good health care plan. If we had to go through what most Americans are going through, we'd be busy trying to fix this. White-Hair Man is right.

So I'm going to write my first prescription. Make every American a member of Congress. I don't know, John, actually, that that's practical in some respects. What if I wrote a little prescription for Vicodin for you as well, John? Would that make it go down a little easier? You're not a doctor. You're not actually a doctor. Not offline, I suppose. But fine, there's certainly more than one way to skin this patient. Prescription two.

A healthy dose of prevention. Now, yes, exercise, diet, that sort of thing? No, no, John. Illness is not transmitted through diet and exercise. I'm talking about preventing contact, moving the sick people to a designated area far away from the rest of us. You're talking about a leper colony, like a leper... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. A leper colony is a degrading medieval concept. This is more like a leper resort. I call it Camp Sniffles.

It's not only completely isolated and patrolled by dogs, it's also a lot of fun. And-and-and you can leave it. No. No, not alive. But talk about cost. Talk about your plans seem very expensive, and all the plans on the table require hundreds of billions in additional funding. Yes, John, but there is a solution, and it lies inside each and every one of us.

The kind of arrangement that I would like to see is the ability for strangers who are willing to give a kidney and save someone's life to be able to get a tax credit or free health care or a contribution to their retirement account. Diagnosis? Great idea. Prescription? Pay for health care by letting people sell their organs.

John, do you have any idea how much a healthy kidney is worth? I don't have any idea, John. $160,000. Wow. And we all have two of them, like big fat money bags nestled back here behind the screen. And what are people doing with them? Using them to filter their urine. I say turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower of money. If I'm hearing you correctly, and I believe that I am. Yes.

Doesn't that just turn poor people into living organ farms for the rich? Whoa, John. What do you have against the American farmer? Are you some kind of East Coast elitist? What do you drink, Bud Light? Think about it, John. Under this system, the least privileged among us can charge the most for their most precious harvest. What? How? How? In what way? Well, you pay more for organic eggs, don't you? Well, congratulations, homeless people. Under my new labeling laws, you may now call yourselves free-range.

Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting torso. Why, he can cash in his kidney for a new flat-screen TV. Maybe a lung for a Prius. Or his other kidney for a dialysis machine. Or better yet, mortgage his whole lower body for a condominium. There, I just solved the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I fixed the economy. You're welcome.

You just killed a hobo is what you did. That is monstrous. You killed a hobo. Really? Monstrous, John? Yes. I think it's quite beautiful. I'm sure you do. I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they drive or how much money they have in the bank. That's what's in here. And also...

What's in there, John? Right here and down in this area. Oh, John, do you want to make some money? Because I could put you in touch with a guy. No, I don't. You're practically foie gras down there. That's the prime stuff. You disgust me, John. I don't have arm organs. I don't know what that was. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. How can the Catholic Church get back on track? Luckily for them, our resident expert, John Hodgman, is here to help with his segment. You're welcome.

John, thank you so much for joining us. I want to get right to it.

This seems like a deeply pervasive problem. How does the Catholic Church even begin to tackle it? Well, you have to start with the simple things. My first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to find a way of stopping these kinds of offenses before they happen. For example, look at priestly garments. Loose, flowing, open robes. These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now, adding a simple button fly...

May seem like a small thing, but it would give everyone just a little bit more time to calm down and or run. The button fly is a complicated maze. Is that it? Is that... Does that... No, no, John. Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention. Alter chimps. Are you... Are you suggesting that we replace alter boys with chimps? I see you're grasping the concept.

You see, chimps and humans share 96% of the DNA. But crucially, not the 4% that is sexually attractive to priests. I see. Interesting. Well, that's... All right. I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate.

And in the unlikely attempt of an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off. All right. These are mostly cosmetic changes from what I can tell, and some obviously more likely than others. This is a systemic problem. Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What is required here, sweeping changes in the way the church operates. That's why my second solution comes in, kill the mood.

You see, the Catholic Church is a far too sexy place. I don't know that that is. I mean, I haven't been in a Catholic Church. Oh, really? Well, yeah. But sexy? Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candlelight, wine, incense. The whole seductive dance creates a climate where all Catholics can do is think about sex and then hate themselves. So...

I understand. Let's de-sexify. Instead of communion wine, make everyone drink a gallon of whole milk. Instead of swinging around a censer full of the heady aroma of incense, hit them in the face with Febreze. Oh, God! I always thought that smell was cat urine. It turns out it's what I use to cover up cat urine. Yes. And you notice how it has completely diffused the sexual tension between us. I, uh...

I don't recall there being any sexual tension between us. It was there. All right. Finally, the music. John, listen to this. Oh, boy. Put a sock over the church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me get my Febreze. No, please don't do that again. You sure? Yes. Fine. If you must have music, we have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John, but perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions.

I get it. Don't get me wrong, John. Klezmer is great for scaring off Cossacks, but it is not... It is not smooch music, I think you'd agree. It is sometimes. Prevention is well and good, John, but what if despite these precautions, and they are solid suggestions, what if it does happen again? Well, that brings us to solution number three, John, accountability. Finally.

There needs to be a system where guilty priests can unburden themselves by going into a small room and talking privately, and then have a chance to atone for what they've done. I think I know where you're going with this, and I believe, again, Catholic churches have that in place. It's called a confessional, and I believe... No, that's not what I'm talking about. My idea is slightly different. Instead of wood-paneled walls, we would use reinforced concrete.

Instead of a traditional confessional screen, we can increase transparency in the church with five-inch-thick bulletproof glass. And to ensure that this is a safe space for these priests, why not place a number of armed guards nearby? I see. You seem to be talking about sending them to a prison. Well, you could call it that. I prefer to call it a maximum security monastery. Thank you very much. John Hodgman. Thank you.

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