TikTok Shutdown Looms, Israel - Hamas Ceasefire Agreement, and Trump-Style Lawyers | ALOK
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You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Jordan Clever. Thank you.

Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm George Knapper. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Joe Biden gets a win, Jack Smith drops his receipts, and Americans are on the brink of losing their favorite way to waste time on the toilet. So, let's get into headlines. Let's kick things off with the big news of the day. At long last, I can announce a ceasefire and a hostage deal has been reached between Israel and Hamas.

Huzzah! Whoa! Yeah! What a historic moment. Joe Biden articulately got through a sentence. And also a ceasefire. And the time he couldn't be better for Biden. There's still time for him to win Michigan, so...

Now, we're in the early stages of figuring out what this means, and we'll be following it closely. But for now, let's talk about another crisis just as serious as what's happening in the Middle East. I'm talking about TikTok, a.k.a. the reason your thumb is so frickin' jacked. I find that genuinely disturbing.

TikTok is the hottest app in the U.S. And next week, it's f***ing gone. First, a story that is on a lot of people's minds this morning, the looming shutdown of TikTok here in the U.S. Yeah, a federal ban on this popular Chinese-owned app is set to take effect on Sunday. The argument from the U.S. government is that TikTok presents a national security risk and that the Chinese-owned company is stealing user data. Y'all, we are so indescribably cooked. I know the government's argument is, oh, we want to protect your data. F*** you, women!

That's the number one worst thing? I mean, we did slavery in America. I mean, let's at least call it a tie, shall we?

TikTok users are upset about this, but there's not much they can do. Congress passed a bill, the president signed it, and the Supreme Court seems ready to rule that the ban is constitutional, which I don't think we can be surprised by, because this is not exactly TikTok's core demographic. I mean, they're more of a Walgreens app type of crowd. They're old and sickly, is what I'm saying.

I mean, the last time the Supreme Court heard the sound TikTok was when death was following RBG around. Although, there's still a chance that TikTok can be saved before the Costco guys are euthanized on Sunday. So...

TikTok would be allowed to keep operating if it sold to an American owner, and there's no shortage of interest. New names are surfacing as potential buyers for the platform, including Elon Musk. Mr. Beast has joined the bid to buy TikTok. Former Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin previously launched an effort to buy it, and Shark Tank star Kevin O'Leary says he and other investors are also making a play. Yes!

there's still a chance TikTok could be sold to one of America's many rich weirdos. Apparently Lex Luthor wasn't available. So this is the best America has to offer. I mean, I actually heard myself say, man, I hope that TikTok goes to someone sane like Mr. Beast. I mean, can't there be one cool potential buyer? Shaquille O'Neal, I'm talking to you.

Stop buying so many Papa John's franchises and get real about your investment future. The trad wives and the big-headed bitches with the trench coats buttoned up to the top need you. But if no American buyer emerges, there's still one more wild card. The wild card. Donald Trump. Now, he tried to ban TikTok during his first term, but he's now trying to save the app. And you'll never guess why he had a change of heart.

That's right. TikTok helped Trump, so now TikTok is good. And by the way, if you're wondering whether Trump won the youth vote by 34 points or 36 points...

The answer is he lost the youth vote by 11 points. Slight, just a slight discrepancy right there. Basically the same thing. So all this is up in the air. But TikTok users are not waiting around to find out how this is going to play out.

Amid fear a TikTok ban could take effect later this week, some Americans flocking to Chinese apps like Red Note. I'm a TikTok refugee. And Lemon 8. Both apps have similarities to TikTok, and Lemon 8 shares a parent company, ByteDance. Red Note is owned and operated by the Chinese Communist Party, and users must agree to adhere to the Chinese constitution, practice socialist values, and promote the traditional culture of China. Yeah!

Good job, U.S. government. You told America they couldn't see China anymore and now they're running off to Vegas with it. I mean, this has got to be so frustrating for Kamala. She just spent a whole election fighting accusations that she's a socialist and now every American is like, I would literally pledge to be a Chinese socialist for a good TikTok replacement.

The question is, why would Americans be so cavalier about the threat of China spying? Maybe it's because after years of receiving monthly emails about how every American company has lost or stolen our data, we've become cynical about the concept of privacy. Or maybe we actually get off on knowing China is spying on us the whole time. Maybe it's gotten so bad, I can't even enjoy a cat video anymore unless I know Xi Jinping is watching me from some digital cuck chair in the corner.

So, looks like this new app, Red Note, is exploding. And the last time something from China went this viral was... It's not important. But we need to see what people are discovering once they're onto it. One thing that I've noticed since being on Red Note for, like, the last two days...

is how much more advanced the Chinese culture is than what I had in my brain. Most of these Chinese people, they look so much less

traumatized than most Americans. I am no longer convinced that we are living in a first world country. While lurking on Red Note, I found out about this car. We can't sell this car because it's Chinese. Look how cute it is. They sell in pink. It's like $15,000, which

which is affordable. I made a new bestie. She ended up going to the market and sent me a picture of her local market, corn on the cob. 94 cents. What would it be here in America, you might ask? $7. Is this what they don't want us to know?

That's not a good sign for America. I was made to think a communist dictator was bad, but check out these corn prices. Daddy likey. Come on, America, fight back. If Chinese people show you their cheap corn, you show them a robust free press. Okay, no, okay. Or you show them our fair and impartial justice. F***, not that. Okay.

Dave and Busters. Show them our Dave and Busters. Hell yeah, in your commie faces. For more on all the TikTok alternatives, let's go live to Beijing with Michael Kosta. Michael. Thank you.

Michael, what do you think about apps like Lemonade and Red Note? Jordan, those apps are as useless as Grindr. None of the dudes I met on Grindr even knew how to grind pesto at all. Great sex, though. Luckily, I found a new TikTok alternative. It's called Psyop, and it's the best app yet. Wait.

The app is called PsyOp? As in psychological operation? What? No, why do people keep asking that? It's just a great app that my camp counselors here have assured me is all for fun. Wait, what is that about a camp? Well, the app is a bit complicated, and there is a learning curve, of course, so I had to educate myself, which is why I'm here at the PsyOp re-education camp for a few weeks to learn the user interface and the brilliant philosophies of Chairman Mao.

Costa, Costa, you're clearly being groomed into a spy. You know, they told me the haters would say that. But, Jordan, don't be such a wong ba dong. They're just showing me how to use the app, and they're teaching me English. No, you already speak English.

Now, it turns out there's tons of words I didn't know. Strychnine, ricin, hydrogen cyanide. And this is all helping me to become a better influencer so I can make funny dances and take down the electrical grid. What? Take down the electrical grid? I didn't say take down the electrical grid. The point is, forget TikTok. Everybody needs to get on Psyop now. I mean, it has the best features. It's easy to upload, and you can record any time because the mic never shuts off.

It keeps track of your location data and all the conversations you've had with elected officials. It's very convenient if you're a busy dad like me who's swamped with soccer practice and taking down the electrical grid. Acosta, Acosta, buddy, you've lost your mind. On the contrary, corrupt capitalist swine. I haven't lost my mind. I've gained tons of followers. Commandment Ping, First Lieutenant Yao, Katy Perry. Hold on.

I just got to block her. Hold on. Michael, Michael, don't you want a social media platform that isn't stripping you of all your personal information and influencing you into carrying out the agenda of authoritarian rulers? Hmm. You're right. I guess I'll get back on X and Facebook and Instagram. You know what?

Never mind. Tell me more about this app. Oh, dude, you got to get on, Jordan. We can be friends. Ben Shizzy. Is that Mandarin? What's that mean? I don't know, but the voice in my head keeps yelling it. Okay, yeah. Michael Kosta, everybody. When we come back, we bring Donald Trump to justice. Don't go away.

Welcome back to The Daily Show. Donald Trump becomes president on Monday, but that hasn't stopped Jack Smith, the special prosecutor and son of Kevin McAllister's scary neighbor. Now, yesterday he released this, his special report on Trump trying to overturn the results of the 2020 election. And it's very

It's very damning. - Special counsel Jack Smith in a new report is calling out President-elect Trump and bluntly stating he brought the case because he believed he would have gotten a conviction. - Smith writes, quote, "When it became clear Mr. Trump had lost the election and that lawful means of challenging the election resulted failed, he resorted to a series of criminal efforts to retain power." - Suggesting that Trump's actions warranted prosecution, saying that no, quote, "man in this country is so high

that he is above the law. That's right! You hear that, Mr. Trump? No man, and I mean no man, is above the law. Jack Smith resigned Friday night and there will be no prosecution. All right! One man is above the law. But that doesn't mean this report is useless. No! We can...

We can frame it. And we can put it on our wall. And we can pretend it had meaningful results, like we do with our liberal arts degrees. And is democracy wildly unstable? Sure. You know what isn't? A wobbly table, after I jam this report under one of its short legs. But it seems like Trump's election has allowed him to avoid accountability for all of his crimes. It's a strategy that law firms might start picking up soon.

Are you in legal trouble? Are you facing life in the slammer? Is your lawyer trying to win your case in court? Then ditch that loser and call James and Carino. We'll keep you out of prison a better way by getting you elected President of the United States. Here's how it works. Step one, we gather evidence.

Step two: We toss that shit in the trash and get you on a plane to Michigan. We'll get you lawn signs, campaign rallies, national TV ads of you hugging your family. Don't have a family? We'll get you one! And while you run for president, we'll use your campaign to delay your trial. Your honor, my client is preparing for a national debate. He does not have time for this parking ticket. This case is for murder. Murder, ticket, whatever, he's busy.

And if somehow you aren't elected president, we'll just get you pardoned by the president. He's a former client. So stop trying to beat the law and start putting yourself above it. Counselor, your client is clearly guilty. Well, well, well, looks like we just won Pennsylvania. You're free to go. Call 1-800-B-PREZ today. We'll get you out of the big house and into the White House. When we come back, Alok will be joining me on the show. Don't go away.

Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight is a comedian, actor, and poet whose new comedy special is called Biology. Please welcome Alok. Welcome. First of all, congratulations on your first comedy special. How does it feel? You know, it feels quite funny. Does it? I just look at myself and I'm like...

Yeah. Yeah. You did it. It also feels kind of traumatizing because I have a yellow tongue in it from taking cough drops before. Oh, I thought that was a creative choice. You know? No. I am a person of color, but I tend to go that far. It's not that color. It feels like a vulnerable choice to show that you carry sickness into performance and you let us see that part of you. Well, actually, I was sick right before taping this. And so I texted all my friends like,

"What do you do when you're sick and you have to be on live television? Maybe you'll be one of those people I text in the future." And everyone said, like, "Go get an infusion."

-Really? -So I just went to go get an infusion. They're like, "What do you want to put in it?" And I'm like, "Okay, give me the ego of a white man who thinks AI can end climate change." Like, put that in right there. Give me the confidence to do this. -Yeah, and you perform with that kind of confidence and privilege. It's very nice. -Okay, science matters. -I want to -- This -- You didn't necessarily come from a comedy background. Is that fair to say? -Did you just ask me where I came from? -Oh, boy.

In this political climate. I know, I'm sorry. Are you going to ask me about my genitals next? Well, that was the fourth. I was going to warm up to the genitals.

I always like to end with a good classic genitals question. You know, everybody likes that. That was just me kidding with you. I just know that your community is so worried about getting it wrong and potentially getting canceled. Yes, we're just trying to be allies. I can't imagine how difficult that must feel for you. Do you understand the difficulty I'm having right now? Just trying to walk the road of a... I'm just saying you're doing a really good job. Thank you very much. Your discomfort is valid. Uh-huh. We're just afraid of being murdered. It's not the same, and I don't want to say that. It's not the same.

You don't think I'm afraid of being murdered? I go to Trump rallies every other weekend. Come on! What I find really refreshing and interesting about this special, you deal with big issues. Yeah. But you also, you have a quote in here. You said, transphobia is merely a distraction from our shared humanity. Yeah. We should be talking about the fact that we're all going to f***ing die. Yeah. Talk to me about that.

-Death, is it real? -I don't know how else to tell you this, but, like, I'm gonna die, and you're gonna die. -That's true. -And we've created an entire society that pretends that that's not the case, which is just ridiculous. So people keep on thinking that if they imbibe the blood of their, like, 18-year-old son, that's gonna stave off death or, like, find the next cryptocurrency or something, but you're gonna die. You know what I'm saying? -Yes, yes.

Actually, the real biological truth in our society is our mortality. And so when people say we're erasing biology, we're erasing biology, I'm like, okay, maybe, but just you're pointing the wrong thing. Yeah. And so from the perspective of death, I believe that all living is just stand-up comedy.

Because that's kind of looking at us being like, oh, my God, that's so funny and so cute. But you think that like that new shoe is going to prevent you from dying. Yeah. Silly little bitch. And so I kind of wanted to make a show that was basically about having to reckon with the fact

that we waste so much of our time with absurd antics, like hating other people, judging other people, when at the end of the day, we're all human, which means we're going to die. And if we remember that, then we have the potential for profound empathy because we're all in this together. Yeah, I love that. I love that. It's...

There's something unified about that absurdism. Yeah. Like if I were to make a pretentious reference, Albert Camus would talk about imagining Sisyphus happy, that it's an absurd life that we lead. Can you just give me my space? Will you give me my space? Camus would say, imagine Sisyphus happy as he pushes this rock up because all of existence is inherently meaningless. And so reckon with that and then connect with your neighbors.

I identify as a pretentious piece of shit. So do I. You are speaking my love language right now. I'm like Camus, the goat. I want to quote you back at yourself, and I want you to talk about this too. You also say humorlessness is what loses any campaign for social change. Talk to me about that.

What's really frustrating is most people think that trans people are just snowflakes, humorless, hypersensitive. But if you spend a couple of centuries surviving attempted eradication, you get kind of bored with being depressed. It's just a major buzzkill.

So then you just have a lot of time on your hand to do something else. And so you start cracking jokes or whatever to survive. And then you begin to realize, actually, maybe part of the oppression is keeping you miserable. Because whenever you're in a space that's comedic, that's a space of possibility and expansion. And so what I started to realize in my own life was...

There are powers that be that want me to hate myself and to be sad. And what's profoundly rebellious when you're a marginalized person is recognizing that people might have the ability to take your rights, they might have the ability to take away your safety, but they can't take away your joy. And so what humor has become for me is a practice of resistance, of saying, oh, you're oppressing me? Thank you so much for the comedic material. You are going to keep me gainfully employed. You see that? I get...

It's no secret a lot of people do feel scared right now. They feel like it's a time for social change, activist movements. And I think they can be called, they don't see a space for humor. Do you fear that the people who are looking to make a change in the next regime, whether it's this next administration or just the time that we're in, that they will lose that sense of humor and, in fact, lose some power with that? Yes, I do fear that. Yeah.

But then I hang out with my friends. And I think that there's two conversations happening in this country. There's the conversation we're having with the people that we love and then the performance bit we have to put on. And what I noticed in my own career is I was afraid that people would not take seriously the critiques I had if I showed how funny I was. Which is so ironic, like here I was being like, I came out of the closet when I was 18 and then I was closeted as a funny person, which is...

way harder, actually. You just constantly have to repress yourself. And then I started to realize this is dishonest because with my friends, humor is the first point of activation on how we process our worlds. And so what my standup became was an imprint of the jokes I was templating first with my friends. It's so annoying. I take out my iPhone. I'm like, I am really funny. I just said this. And then I don't remember the context with which I said that. And it's no longer funny. Right.

And so I actually think we just need to start being honest. We cannot combat a world that ritualizes lying with more lying. The only way is to operate at a different frequency. And what I think is so honest to the human condition is that at every funeral, someone cracks a joke. And that joke allows people to feel deeper. And if we forget that truth, we forget who we are. Mm-hmm.

You speak about that. You speak about death a lot. It's funny you say this. Eric Idle was here from Monty Python a month ago saying that exact same thing. The humor that you find in death, in funerals, is sort of our humanity. Looking at the news right now, places like Meta, we see what's happening with Mark Zuckerberg and the threat of a MAGA administration, and they're removing any kind of guardrails they had towards hate speech. How do we combat something like that in your mind?

mind? So I need to be really honest with you. You caught me in January and I take New Year's extremely seriously. So I listen to a lot of white women podcasts and what they have been teaching me is I need to manifest what I want to see in the world. And I don't really have space for negative vibes, like no bad energy. So I read that news and I was like,

It's not why is this happening to me, it's why is this happening for me, you know? And so what I actually started to realize is this was actually really brave because Meta is accusing us of misgendering a corporation, which

which is extremely serious business. And when you really think about it, it's kind of trans. They're like, who you see me as is not who I actually want to be. Oh. It's like a gender reveal, actually. Uh-huh, okay. And, like, that is so powerful in this political climate. I was like, whoa. But then I started to do some research, and I found out that Meta is technically only 20 years old. Mm-hmm. And that's kind of young to be making such a serious decision. Um...

It might be... That is very, yeah. I mean, they might not have the, they might not really know who they are at this point. It might cause irreversible damage to democracies across the world. And usually I support freedom, except when it comes to that. You know? I was okay with the name change. You know? Call me Meta. I was like, okay, I can do that. But this? This just feels like too much. Yeah. But then, back to the podcast, I was like, no, no, no. Positive thinking, positive thinking. No space for negativity. Yeah.

I was like, Mark Zuckerberg is saying masculine energy. Imagine a white man 40 years ago saying masculine energy. Okay. Masculine energy, that is the accomplishment of the transgender movement. All right? We are setting the terms of the debate. I feel like he lifted that from a Tumblr post of mine from 2011. Masculine energy. Like, what the f***?

What the does that mean? All right? So then I started to realize, like, we might not be winning the short-term thing, but we're winning the long-term thing because even the rhetoric and the language they're using to oppress us is our own. And that's kind of sweet. Like, my hope for the Trump administration is that they're going to take this trend and they're going to not deport migrants. They're going to make migrants hold space for the lyrics of "Proud to Be an American." Wow.

You have really an optimistic eye towards what's going to happen these next few months. I'm just saying. Tell me, there's a name on here that's very exciting to see as well. You're a specialist executive produced by Christopher Guest. Yes. How did that come about? Okay, so here's the thing. I asked him to direct, and he said, Alok, we both know you could do a better job directing than me, which is the first time in history that a British man has ever said that to an Indian person. Yeah, wow. Okay.

-Sure. -I was blown away. -My God, yes. -I felt like my ancestral healing. I was like, "Whoa." -I will take it from you, Chris. -And so I said, "But, like, I want to learn from you. Like, I want to, like --" And he's like, "I have nothing to teach." And so I said, "Okay, tell me stories about what it was like to be on set." And then that's where the wisdom came is just from his storytelling. -Yeah. -And when he was speaking to me, he really, I think, spoke to something I truly believe, which is the kind of sacredness of comedy.

That comedy actually is a sacred ritual where we can alchemize and detoxify things that are so profoundly painful and turn them into something beautiful and bountiful. And he said to me, "There's going to be a knowing in you that a lot of people are going to doubt, but only you can make that decision." Which is how I justified spending hundreds of hours making every single editing decision in my own special.

I was looking at every single camera angle and making every single choice. And my manager was like, do other things. And I was like, this is anti-religious because this is a sacred practice for me right now. So I have Christopher Guest to thank for that. Well, it's a truly remarkable special. I hope people go out and see it. Biology is available now to stream now at alokvmenon.com. Alok, we're going to take a quick break. Be right back after this.

That's our show for tonight, but before we go, please consider supporting the California Fire Foundation. They are on the ground working with local fire agencies and community organizations to provide support to impacted residents, if you can. Please donate at the link below. Now here it is. Your moment is then.

Justice Alito asking why users can't just take to a different app. I'm just wondering whether this is like somebody's attachment to an old article of clothing. I really love this old shirt because I've been wearing this old shirt. But I could go out and buy something exactly like that. But no, I like the old shirt. Is that what we have here?

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