11 Crazy Facts About Laundry, Showering, & Getting the “Little Stuff” Done That Will Make You Laugh (and Prove You’re Doing Better Than You Think)
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Is IT just me or some days? Does that feel breaking? Impossible to stand out of everything you have to do at home.

I mean, from the laundry to the dishes to dinner to groceries. Pick up this, pick up that. Off the dogs, feed the cat. IT is endless. And look, I know i'm not the only person who's overwhelmed and i'm probably not the only person that looks at a pile of laundry.

Ry, and I see IT is evidence that there's something wrong with me, that I can't get the laundry done because I keep getting dms from so many listeners of this podcast and you feel the exact same thing. Just listen to what fellow listeners are saying. No, when everything gets overwhelming and multiple things happened at once, crazy workload, break up, moving, I feel the need to protect the little energy that I have for my kids.

And then i'm drowning in the household jars, or this one, everything is up in my energy, even getting out of bed in the morning. So now i'm trying to avoid washing my hair for days. And there have at this one, empty the dish, russia laundry.

Ry, you name. I am a single mom that works full time. My whole life is overwhelming.

Or this one, when he gets to be too much caring for myself, always goes first, sharing, brushing my teeth, and then always sudden the wheels come off on the household chores. Or this one, dishes, I hate doing the dishes. Hate, hate, hate.

You know what? Me too. Same, same, same. Or finally, I am just so overwhelmed with all the little things at the moment. I don't even where to start.

Well, guess what? You don't have to know where to start, because on behalf of you and me, I got his help, and I found this amazing woman named casey Davis. Now she's a therapist, but he sounds more like a wise friend, and I love that. And what he says is, the problem is in the dishes, the laundry of the cleaning, it's the shame and the judgment that you and I are putting on ourselves. And SHE is here to show us that there is a way to take the pressure off yourself and get you to do list n and still manage to take care of yourself because you deserve that.

In fact, within the first two pages of a best selling book, how to keep post when drowning, I actually uh extent because he gets IT and more importantly, her wisdom, her genius step by step advice, her simple hacks gonna help you rise above the dirty dishes to more compassionate and loving you. When you can remove the shame from your to do this, you will improve your life immediately. And that's my mission today to prove to you that you don't have to have IT altogether.

You are not broken. You're just like the rest of us. You're human.

And it's about the same time you and I talk about this. So please help me welcome K C. Davis to the male robbin's podcast.

Casey, we've been waiting for your woman. Hello, hello. So kc, I am so glad you are here because, you know, I struggle with staying organized and not beating myself up over. I pretty much shop my shit together in so many areas of my life. Can you explain why it's so hard to just get the simple chores done around the house?

So I think there's kind of four variables here. I think in a very basic level, um there are emotional difficulties. So if we can get the done on time, if the dishes are in the sink, we tend to tell ourselves that that's about us fAiling, that's about us not being good enough, and that can really make IT difficult to find motivation to get on top of those task, to think of creative ways to help yourself.

I think for some people, there's a physical aspect to IT. You know, disability is a very real variable in making some of those task difficult. And then of course, usually you have the emotional on top of that, right? It's hard for me to do this, and therefore I must be fAiling. And then we have the mental aspect that I think that there's a lot of people when they're understand, when they're in beaver ment, when life is just hard.

We don't appreciate how complex our brain is, when IT does those little tasks, and how our brain can go from doing things on autopilot to all the sudden every step feels like you have to make yourself do IT lying on top of all of that are just the societal messages that we have gotten about care tasks and about whose job IT is to do those care tasks. What does IT mean about the value of that labor to get those care test done? Um you know who should be above doing those types of tasks and whose job is IT to do those tasks? Um and I so I think you run into a long history society of, you know, what do we think about domestic labor and about women and about .

people of color people .

of color and and how much should we have to pay for this kind of labor that we maybe don't see as valuable? Um and so there's there there's surprisingly quite a bit of racism and sexism involved in those sociedad messages .

that makes a lot of sense for my own personal experience. I just think about the fact that I grew up in a house where my dad worked out of the house and my mom was a stay at home mom for most of IT and SHE did everything around the house and I got ingrained me subconsciously that it's just my job, and that if i'm not able to do that job on top of every other job, then something must be wrong with me.

How does that piece, the subconscious piece, of what was modeled for you and what society tells you, and the fact that this just face IT? Most goods are not doing the same amount work. The division of labor in a household is proven by research should not be equal between 啊， people who identifies male and people who identifies female.

What's the same modeling? They saw their mother do IT all, and they saw their dad not do IT. They saw the men, you know, get around the football game after thanksgiving while the women win the kitchen and cleaned the dishes. And so much of this domestic labor is invisible. You don't realize how much work has been done unless it's not done.

Oh, that's so true. How does what you saw growing up or what society has sort of in printed on all of us? How does that impact what your talking about when there's moral weight to whether or not the dishes are done or the laundry is done, your house is clean or you got IT altogether?

When you start to think, you know, my value, I think this especially happens for for people who identifies when my value is directly tied to my ability to pull this off and even in and you know, I would consider myself a very progressive woman, a very feminist 的 woman。 I don't think my value is how good I am at laundry, but then IT become something even more.

And cities, which is, I should be able to have this career and not let my house botta shit. That's what boss ladies do. And if I can't do that, you know that I feel as though i'm fAiling. And then those old societal things that I didn't even think I believed about. Well, if people come over there are going to judge me for this house not being clean.

I could not agree more. I am just like you in feeling like, okay, i'm a feminist and i'm a bad as boss lady and I can do IT all. But as i'm standing in the laundry room and I see what is almost always a parade of piles on the floor, and i'm lucky enough that i've got a little room with a machine in IT, I can do my laundry.

Ry, I look at these piles on the floor, I look at the Chris White tiles that I once put a target, and I say to myself, why are they blue? Why did somebody have to wash with the perogues? Why can I stay on top of this? And I feel this level of overwhelm and failure that I don't anna feel.

And this is universal. I was so blown away by the number of people that pred into the dms and the comments to listen to the show that are overwhelmed by the simplest tasks of keeping up with your stuff at home and taking care of yourself. And so aside from the bigger messaging, which I agree with you. How does that impact why it's so hard?

Here we are, two thousand and twenty three, where we're not only supposed to be on top of all the housework, but most of us are also supposed to have jobs and have ambitions and be a girl boss and do all these things. And it's it's just Frankly, too much for one person to handle. We have looked at care tasks as moral obligations. This is the sign of whether or not i'm a valid adult, i'm a good mother, i'm a competent spouse. I have my stuff together, and we equate having our shit together with being a worthwhile d human being, being deserving of love.

You're right. I just thought I was disorganized. This is a crisis of how I am actually showing up as a human being. When I stare at these piles, IT goes so much deeper, which is why what I read over and over and over again in the dms is this heaviness around doing household chores and taking care of yourself. Let's keep going even deeper.

You talked about the fact that chores and other actions around your house, doing the dishes, keeping IT tidy, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, that these are morally neutral. what? How does that mean?

So most of us, you know, like you said, we look at the laundry, we walk by the dishes, and there's this message we give ourselves of, i'm really screwing up worst case, i'm a failure, I don't deserve love. Best case, get get together uh um there's this this consent frustration and we feel as though they are truly reflections of our character as a person. And and the biggest message that I have for people is that IT is a morally neutral task.

Mess is morally neutral. Dishes do not make meaning. Only people do. And we are assigning that meaning that's coming from our head. Maybe it's our voice, maybe it's someone in our lives voice that's kind of internalized, but we're the one walking by the dishes and going look at what a failure I am.

It's true, but I still don't quite get IT because to me, when I see piles of dishes everywhere, when I see parades of laundry, when I can't get out of bed, and on those mornings where I don't want to make my bed, or I see the trash piling over, or like this morning, this morning I went to make a cup of coffee.

And the state of the milk in the carton was, you know, when you pick up a carton milk and it's got maybe an inch and you can shake IT and you're like, ah is that like is this gotto be OK and then you screw off the top and take a away, this just turn so I can't even get IT together to get to the store to get a go on a milk so that I can have my coffee here and then I stand there and i'm like, just what you said now what the hell you can't even like get the fridge stock. You can keep milk in place for yourselves. You can have a cup of coffee for crying out. Oud, what is wrong with you? Yes.

the the meaning that you made about that.

But isn't that true? Like isn't there is something wrong with the fact that I can't keep the fridge stock and I can't keep on top of the laundry like aren't doing something wrong?

Well, that's the meaning that you made effort. T but let me ask you the smell. L like, what else could IT mean? What else could that pile of laundry mean?

I could mean that we have had nonstop visitors for the last ten days, and people use a lot of tales. That's me. Yes.

that's kind of like a neutral, neutral thing, right? Like all we had visitors that certainly morally neutral would let me said, what did you do with those visitors .

while they were here? Um we hung out. We had a great time. We swam in the pond, we watched the sunset, we ate great meals. We played crib ge, we went out to dinner, was awesome.

So you exercise hospitality. You prioritized to those relationships while they were in your home. I mean, to me, that laundry means something good about you.

哦， i love you already. This is good.

right? Like you prioritize something that I think if we were all just to look at the objectively is more important than than the laundry that day or however many days now don't get me wrong, you still deserve clean clothes. So i'm not saying laundry doesn't matter.

but IT sounds .

like that mess in your home actually means a really good things about you.

It's true. So I have a question that I want you to answer when we come back from the break. And the question, casey, is this, what if you have that same pile of laundry ary and it's just use solo and you haven't had a bunch of visitors and you can't find a reason that's important enough for why you haven't done IT stay with us because case he is gone to give us the answer to that question when we returned.

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Welcome back. I mell Robins, and i'm here with the remarkable casey Davis. And SHE is freeing me and you from laundry.

Ry, shame. SHE is just told me that my piles of laundry mean nothing about my worth as a person. And household chores are what he says are morally neutral. Casey, let's take this further. So if somebody that's listening is like, what I had no visitors and it's just piled up like the kid's soccer stuff piled up on my roommates pile laundry is in front of my pile laundry or it's like now at the end of my bed because the laundry that is down the street, how would you flip that for somebody listening? Well.

IT helps to think what what I say to a friend sometimes in this case, because what if what that means about you is that you're having a hard time, but don't don't people who are having a hard time deserve compassion? And aren't you also people like, does that have to mean IT doesn't not toxic? Positivity doesn't have to mean something great about you, although sometimes IT does, right? Maybe IT just means you're having a hard week.

What what immediately occurred to me, casey, is that I think it's easier for many of us to say. Europe ece a should or you can't deal than to drop deeper and be honest with yourself and admit that the pile of laundry ry at the end of your bed means you're just have a hard time. It's overwhelming at work. You've been fighting with your significant you are feeling a little lost and that's what that pilot laundry represents, which is why IT feels kind of scary on some level that it's god to this that makes and .

it's it's not an entitled though you know I I mean, it's like I don't anna recognize that i'm having a hard time so that I could then feel bad about myself because we get into this rat race of self improvement where my worthiness is tied to how self improved I am.

Like I must optimize my mental health and my emotional health and my physical health and nutrition and but got healthy like at all times, right? And the truth is, is that the reason we pursue those things is because IT IT increases our quality of life. It's not a i'm more lovable when i'm on top of laundry.

I am more lovable when i'm doing self care. For so many of us, self care just becomes another thing that we can get to, that we don't have the time for, that do not have the energy for. And now we feel bad, great. And I can't even take care of myself.

What a people I am, right? No, it's so true. And so how do you want all of us, and especially you, listening to this conversation, to think about self care, brushing your teeth, washing your face, resting, eating OK, being kind yourself? How do you want us to think about self care? Because you're right.

So many of us, I know, I feel like I put my business first, I put my kids first, I put the dogs first, I put my husband first, I put everything that works for me first, and I often don't do the things for me that I know that I need. And then I make myself wrong for not taking care of myself. ah. So how do you want us to think about taking care of ourselves?

What I want us to bring IT IT down to the very basics like away from bubble bus and petitioners and yoga things like into the very basics of laundry dishes, you know, a clear space to walk. Not that those things are a measure of whether you're fAiling or not. Like we, like we established, there will be days where the laundry means, oh, I must be, have a hard time.

And there will days when laundry means, i'm now in IT today, I am actually prioritizing all the things that need to pray a priorities. So that's what we mean when we say the laundry itself. Morally neutral IT could give you some information, but it's it's morally neutral.

There's nothing wrong with laundry. I I would not be able to know whether you were feeling good or bad by looking at your laundry. But self care, at its core, is about doing a task that cares herself.

And we've gotten to a place where we see the dishes in the laundry, not only in service for other people like my job is just to do those things for the people in my home, but also, is this external measured for whether I measured up as opposed to looking at the laundry and going, okay, it's been a busy week. I had friends, I loved that. I pro has the right things and I deserve clean clothes and I deserve clean dishes to eat off off. And my kids deserve, uh, clean place to play in. The beauty of that is that that does not require that you do all of your laundry or all of your dishes, or have a perfectly clean playroom.

What does IT mean we want to .

get away from? Is that clean enough is IT perfect. We will Better homes and gardens come take a picture of this, where my mother and law judged me and just is .

IT functional.

because sometimes I going to place where there's a lot going on, good, bad, stressful, happy. And I can see i'm not gonna have clean clothes, I don't do some laundry, and I can make the choice OK for the next two hours and to do all the laundry or I can make the choice, you know what, i'm gona wash and dry one outfit because I don't have the capacity doing anything else right now. But I do deserve clean close tomorrow or I can go, you know what? I I am uh, private enough to have the budget to ship this shut out this week and there's nothing moral about that decision.

I that's what I should do because I hate you in laundry. And I and i'm in a position finally at the age of fifty four and work in my tail off that I could probably drop things off at a longer man and have somebody else do IT. There are so much you just said there that um I want to I want to unpack because i'm gonna confess something to everybody and you might not believe that this is true, but this is an actual fact.

Mell robbins does laundry when he runs out of underwear. That is when I do my laundry. And it's at that moment because I do believe I deserve clean underwear.

I'm beyond the days of college where I would sometimes turn them inside out. Don't tell me you haven't done that a pinch, everybody. Um that's the tipping point. And I want to stay on this topic of why some of these simple or seemingly simple chores or tasks of taking care of yourself can be so daunting.

Let's talk about showing, because one of the things that I noticed in the fifty six pages of dms that we received in a matter of twelve hours from our audience about feeling overwhelmed by chores or taking care of yourself, showers kept coming up and going to read some from our listeners. One of my first indicators that i'm slipping into a funk as I start avoiding showers. Perhaps it's a reflection of how I subconsciously view myself, but I can't even find the energy to want to.

Another one I say to myself, I can sit here and do nothing and feel like crap, or I can move and do things and feel crappy. But on my worst mental health days, even taking a shower is so incredibly exhAusting. Here's another one myself, doubt got so bad after a breakup at one point, even the thought of sharing was exhAusting. Can you help us understand why something that seems on the surface like something that you would do everyday, it's not that big of the deal, is actually daunting. Well.

IT really comes down to brain science in the way that your brain works, the part of your brain that does things like make the decision to get up and do something, time management, you know, shifting your focus back and forth, maintaining that motivation. All these little things are called executive functions. And everyone has had the experience of maybe having a stressful network or a lot going on. And you're thinking and you're thinking and you're thinking and you just hit a wall and your brain goes done. I'm not doing this anymore.

I call that tuesday. yeah.

And that happens to us. IT happens to us under stress. IT happens to us with sleep deprivation.

IT happens to us with physical pain. That happens to us if we've just a lot to do that day. IT happens to us that there's a lot of emotional things going on.

IT happens to us if we have a disorder or a struggle that just biologically compromises those executive functions. If we have A D H D, autism, P T S D, depression, anxiety, um O C D all those things. And so we think showing is this simple two step process.

It's more like thirty five steps. And when your executive functions are firing properly, IT runs like autopilot. Let me think about getting on a plane and taking off and you're thinking, okay, on the plan you take off. But if you were to look at that from the perspective of the guy and in the air traffic control, yeah and how much he's doing that these planes and air these planes here, move this point over their land, this, and move plan over there.

And we, a service on this place, up off of need, this plan to kind of circle around for a while, lie address of this and and that is how complex your brain is when IT is trying to do even a simple task. And that is your executive functioning. It's trying to deal with your emotions, your thoughts, the time management, your behaviors, what behavior should have initiate, what feelings are coming in, what information, and do you need to consider about the rest of your day? I mean, is that complex?

Not to mention what the pilots doing, walk us through these invisible thirty five steps, or at least the first couple, so that you really break this down and allow the person listening to understand that when you're overwhelmed, this isn't just happen. The shower and hop out. This is a series of conscious decisions and actions that you need to take at a moment in time where you already feel like you're moving in quick sand. So let's just break down something simple, like showing or brushing your teeth.

So wherever you are, you have to think about the shower, that step one, then you're gonna feelings about the shower and you're gonna hf two gate, those feelings. And so however many steps that takes you, you're gonna some thoughts about whether or not you do or do not want to shower, and you're gonna to contend with those thoughts. So you just read those people's examples and you can hear their first step.

Uh, I haven't done this and so long. Uh, what what a piece of junk I am. I'm so dirty.

I'm ashamed I can't let anybody know about this. So already were in a hard spot. Now we're having to contend with a bunch of emotions that make us feel like failures.

And our brain is, naturally, you're gna want to go. No, we need to move away. We need to move away from the thing that makes us feel like a failure.

You are gonna need to make a motor plan to stand up. And you're going to stand up. You're going to have to think about whether not you have time to shower.

Maybe you need to also deal with the time management, as do you have time to take a shower, short shower, long shower. What else do you have to do today? D, D, to go pick something up. You don't want to do that dirty, but you also want to go exercise. And so you don't want to do that clean and and you got to figure out that out in your brain.

where are the kids? What's happening with the dogs? We're made here.

How much time do you have to shower? Do you need to set an alarm? Do you need to get some clean towers? S, do you have close to wear? You need to think about what you're doing that day.

That's a step, right? Like if I want to go to. Drop something off for my kid at school, and I don't want to look dirty to do IT, but also I wanted to go exercise and I want to go exercise clean.

And that seems silly. So you're got to figure that out. This is all before we've even gotten to the bathroom, by the way.

And so we're going to go to the bathroom on the way to the bathroom. One really important step is ignoring all of the stimulus coming in on the way to the bathroom. So if you see other things that need to be done, other things that are going to try to take your attention. So we get to the shower.

Oh, the showers, dirty, wide. My roommate, leave the razor in here. A, uh, uh, what time is IT?

Now you have to take your clothes off. And that might bring lots of steps, that might bring in some steps dealing with how you feel about yourself, how you feel about your body. That's going to bring in maybe some sensory issues.

Are you cold? Are you hot? Need to do something different? You want to, just the temperature.

Do you want to turn on IT? Like all those steps right now, we have to turn on the water so we can turn the water on. Now we have to wait. We have to wait for you to get to a certain temperature, and then we need to adjust IT. And let's hope that your waters working in on by the way, we're going to have to take some time to think about the financial structure that you're under.

Um or you know that you don't have one of those ones that either gives you ice cold or love of Moore because then we can think about our plummet for a while. So you get IT right to where IT needs to be. Your closer off, you make sure you have a toll, you make sure you have a bathmat.

You get in, you make sure that you have your shampoo o and you're this and you're that and did you get your razor out because i'm always getting in and realizing I don't have my razor because have taken something out of the thing right now. You have to decide kind of what order you're going to go, and people feel very strongly about this. So you're gonna wash your hair and you're going to do IT right? And then you're going to think about how you're supposed to wash IT twice, but maybe you won and what does that mean?

And then you're going to have, just like a random thought, do I have shampoo? Do I want to blow dry my hair if I get my hair? Should I get my hair wet? If i'm not getting my hair wet, where's the thing to put my hair up in?

Yes, there is lots of steps in processing the random thoughts, so you don't get distracted and just stand there, then you're gone to do the conditioner. So h maybe you rinse, washed, repeat. Maybe you didn't um what's happening with that water? Do you have other things going on? Are you wanting to run the dishwasher to somebody else to take a shower? How long can you sit here under this hot water?

Um, so we're going to do that. Then you're onna. Do your body? Do you have the soap? Do you have a ufa? Or you're going to use your love.

At what order are you gonna go in on your body so you don't end up washing your face right after your ask, right? You're going to do all that. Then let's think about, like what cosmetic things are we going to do in here?

Are we're going to shave our legs. We're onna shave, our ARM pets. Do we want to do any of that? Let's know.

Maybe we do our face in here, maybe we brush our teeth. And here we have to make all of those decisions. Then we have to stand there under the warm, amazing water and think about the fact we have to get out.

You might have to think about what time IT is. You might have to answer a child. You might have to think about, okay, now we have to cry ourselves up to get out of this month.

And then you have to make the decision to turn that off. Then you have to make the decision to probably dry your hair or wrap your hair up. Then you get your other till you have to dry your body. You have to get out of the shower. You have to contend with the, uh, sensory change.

You have to decide, am I going to just stand here, look at my phone on the bed, or you know, am I going to a completely go? Do I want to get A A brand new toe that's clean and drive? I want to go with damp, want to have around my body, then you have to decide where to throw those tales are.

They are going to go on the floor. They going to go in the hamper. Do you have a hamper? Um you are.

Do you going to hang them back up to use them again? When is the last time you use that tie, by the way, is ready to go in the hamp r or can you put that back up on the thing? Okay, now you're naked.

Now what are you going to do? Are you going to put clothes on immediately? Is that the closure are going to go out in? Are you that we're damp phase or maybe don't want to quite put your clothes on, but you don't want to stand their naked? So maybe you go to your closet and you go get your close on and then you come back and then you have to decide.

I mean, like all of this is still like the act of showering, and we haven't even put our cloth on, done our hair. And when you're already under stress, it's not just that first step. You have to like cy yourself up forever n consciously. Do you're having to put that much energy into every step?

You know, it's interesting is that I went for a walk this morning and I was gonna take a shower. But when I got there, I started considering how much time. And then I realized I hadn't fed the dogs yet. And then I looked down at the floor and there was no bath math there. And I thought, I don't want to get out of the shower and then put, like, have a track, water everywhere.

And I looked at the towels and then I thought, I don't well, if I could lay down a towler, but then I have to wash that tale because then i'm not going to want to take a tale that I stepped down with my dirty s feet around my body. You're right. It's way more complicated.

And then you're think about the laundry y that got piled up because you had to guess and everybody used the toys and or maybe should actually go to the laundry, right? Like there's it's and that's the attention shifting focus, right? So any of that impaired, you're just staring and and your paralyzed in your frozen.

Why shop wars .

are also boring? Like can we just get real like I, I, I enjoy them when i'm in them? Sure, but they're freking boring.

There's nothing to look out. There's nothing to listen to. There's nothing to do but think your own thoughts.

And if you don't want to be doing that, that's another like hard part about the shower. We haven't even touched. Whether you have any physical issues.

Do you have pain in your body? Are you tired? Do you get light headed when you stand? Do you have right like any of that?

Wow, I had even considered red that another self care kind of thing that a lot of people talked about was brushing their teeth.

It's the number one thing that comes up. The thing they are most ashamed to struggle with is brushing their teeth.

really. You know, casey, I would love for you to explain to us why I that's what we are most ashamed of when we're not doing that. I need to take a quick break to hear award from our sponsors.

But when we come back, let's take a compassionate look at why we have so much shame around not brushing our teeth in those moments when we feel too overwhelmed to do so, stay with us. Have you noticed the experts on this podcast keep telling you and me over and over, if you want a Better life, you need Better sleep. And you can do that on an unsupportive, uncovered mattress that you've kept around for twenty years.

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Additional fees, terms and restrictions apply C A T T A com sash iphone for details. Welcome back. We're here with casey Davis, the author of how to keep house when you're drowning. And casey just revealed that the number one thing that people feel the most ashamed to admit when you're struggling is that things we've gotten so bad you're not even brushing your teeth. Why do you think that is that they're .

ashamed to that there are so much messaging around dirty ss and cleanness. When IT comes to our body, to be dirty is to be growth, to be disgusting. And when you're struggling with that, we don't talk about that a lot. So you're thinking you're the only one struggling with IT, you're the only growth one. And so you Better not let anyone know how gross you are because who would love such a gross person?

Um and so now we're not .

just dealing with maybe some executive functioning or some mood issues or some frustration or whatever IT is to go rush your teeth. We're dealing with the whole way of what a piece of shit you are that you can't get and up together to be a basic human being. Do you even deserve clean teeth? I mean, he just gets a real dark, real fast.

Well, that's why I want to talk you, because you know, the topic of shame and self hatred or self criticism is the big kind of heady topic. And I love your work because you're identifying the ways in which IT creeped in an insidious way into the data day aspects of our life. And if you're living your life in away where I think all of us are, you see a pile of laundry.

There's evidence that you don't have your act together. You see a dirty, messy house. There's evidence that you don't have your act together, and you Better not invite friends over. You see, the fridge has sour milk unit. Like minded this morning is evidence that you just can't get IT done and you're never gna get IT done. And when you talk about the number one thing that people are ashamed about, when IT comes to not being able to really have your self together, being brushing your teeth and the pounding that you give yourself for just not being able to do that, I will share with everybody because it's occurring to me, this is a way in which shame and judgment has crept into my life.

There are lots of mornings where i'm either running late or am too tired because you i've got this electric toothbrush and you're supposed to do IT for two minutes and I don't feel like doing IT for two minutes and then I have this other thing to where I have a this is probably getting to be too much. T mi, everybody, but i'm just going there. okay.

Um I have a really weird like, uh, gallery flex. It's like super trigger y like I can't brush my tongue, guys. Like i'm embarrassed to admit this.

Like what's wrong with me that it's like and so then I never brush my teeth for the two minutes that you're supposed to. I always turn IT off early. I get bored while i'm doing IT.

And just recently, my dog chewed up the end of IT. I went for probably five days without a toothbrush. So what do I do? I, I swither the listerine, and I pop up, thank a gun, my mouth.

But then I felt bad all day. Like there's something wrong with me, like i've got to know there happening on my teeth. No, I don't. Because I just shoot IT off with a piece of gum.

I brush my teeth at best every other day. It's been a struggle since I had my second kid, and this is the same of every other care task when you began to speak about IT plainly and without shame, like we're doing right now. Maybe we feel a little shame, but we're saying IT out loud.

It's important to remember that we're not just talking about breaking free from shame because it's a nice thing to do or because, you know, it's warm and fuzzy to like feel nice about yourself IT is because research has shown that being sort of drowning in shame arrests your psychological functioning, and that compassion and self compassion actually increases your psychological functioning. So I don't just want you to step away from shame, because you know, raw a you deserve IT. Although I do think that's true, I want you to have Better functioning in your life, Better quality of life.

And just from a practical standpoint, IT is gonna require we step out of shame. And a lot of us want to let go of shame because we feel as though beating ourselves up is the attachment that we can pay for not being good enough. It's this weird way of trying to regain some sense of worthiness, because I may not be worthy, but I know that is a good thing to hate, bad thing. So at least I hate myself. At least that one part of me is worthy.

I do feel a little dirty. I'm good admitted. I feel like there's something like it's some weird thing about me that I now i'm realizing we probably traumatized my son because he he literally went years without brushing his teeth when he was little, he had yellow, fuzzy carpeted teeth, and he's got big choppers.

And we teased them, do you can go to school? And so now I need to clean that mess up, but I do feel like there's something dirty about not pushing your teeth. Why do we feel this way?

It's the same thing. We've moralized the ability to care for ourselves. And the this is, is that most of these things are pretty simple to fix or help. But you wouldn't know that if you were too afraid to speak to somebody plainly about IT.

I mean this I see this a lot with, uh, post part of mothers because you're used to you wake up, you go to your vanity, you're going outside the main motivation that I always had for brushing my teeth, that kept me brushing my teeth everyday. I'm about, walk out the door and people are going to smell my breath of the sudden I had a kid. I started working from home.

I don't leave my house every day. That motivation went away yet. I had thirty years where that was the main motivation for brushing my teeth.

And now I don't have IT. And I know what it's supposed to be. I know it's supposed to be all. I want my teeth to not fall on my head and I want to be clean up. But that's such a far away thing.

Whether I was used to working with a motivation that was a very instant feedback, i'm having to redo my whole narrow pathway of how I think about teeth brushing. I don't go to might think the first thing in the morning as a baby's crying or a puppy is winning. Not to mention for a lot of people, they felt so ashamed of this. And when you give them permission to get curious about what is the barrier, they think and they think and they say something like.

you know.

the taste of MIT burns my mouth, it's a really unpleasant sensation and then you go, okay, well, what if we use some strawberry tooth space and it's like, wait, White, like years of avoiding this task and feeling bad about IT and feeling ashamed about IT and feeling that other when then maybe it's maybe maybe the issue is, you know, your a fuck a maybe the issue is you have a sensory sensitivity and you can just use some strawberry toothpaste like what is the moral issue about having a like a sensitive gaga flax?

I don't know. I've just feel like I I buy it's the stupid as ways in which we beat ourselves up.

We have like you're allowed to .

be human and you know you know what I thought when you said you the strap ry tooth faced my immediate reaction, casey was well, that's for kids.

That's not like adult .

tooth pace. And so now i'm not giving myself permission to make IT work for me. I'm again coming back to this like it's got to be a certain way. You've tt a do a certain way if you don't, your dirty and your this and something wrong with you.

Yeah, that's my first thought. When you are reading the thing about the showers, my thought was, what's the point of a shower .

to clean yourself? okay.

So if the point is to be clean, and I would agree, all of those people deserve to be clean and comfortable, is a shower the only way to get clean?

That's a good point. No, you could stand in front of the sink and wash your private parts in your armpits. yeah. You could a wipe yourself down with a baby wipe.

yeah. What if someone says I don't like getting in the shower because I don't? Anna, do my hair. Okay, well, what if you didn't do your hair? Well, I I hate the sensory sensitivity of being hot, cold, hot, cold.

Okay, well, do you have A A little heater that you could turn on for twenty minutes before you got into the shower? Is there a podcast you love that could be a shower podcast? You're not as bored when you're in there.

Is there like there's all these things we can do if we get out of the shame aspect of IT and just go, here's the thing. I deserve to be clean having a hard time getting in the shower. Is there some ways I can move around these barriers? Like not every barrier has to be gone through.

I love that. And by the way, i'll go in the shower with you so if you want somebody to talk to why you're showing you, just take male robbins right in there with you. Um you wrote in your book that your space should serve you. What do you mean?

So I think for a love us, you know we look at those dishes and we look at the laundry, feel so overwhelmed, and we react in one of two ways. We either feel paralyzed at how much there is and do nothing, and IT builds up and builds up and do, or we go into that activated today, and we just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And we don't allow ourselves to sit, we don't allow ourselves to arrest.

We don't allow ourselves to do anything less than perfect. And because of those two things, um we we have a lot of people that are kind of running around like a chicken with their head cutt off kind of pinball about their house trying to get things done and there's this exhaustion of IT is not good enough. And that's a reflection on me and how well i'm doing and what I like to say is you do not exist to serve your house.

Your house exist to serve you. So yes, that's gna take some maintenance for us. But it's your it's your houses job to serve you, not your job to serve a house.

What do you do if you're someone like me that truly prefers a house that is pulled together like my brain? When the counters are clear and the shoes are in the copies and the pillows have a kari job you like, I can feel my brain go. So a house that serves me best is the one that really does look pulled together.

And yet there are times where I can't seem to pull IT together. And maybe casey, it's because for my family, chores and picking up seem to be morally neutral. They don't seem to be bothered by the mess.

I'm the one that is like like bothered by IT because they walk right by the dog poop or the pile of laundry or the dead flowers in the vase or the say, you know, this is this the stuff and that not my husband so much, Chris, pretty awesome. But the kids, absolutely. What do you do if you want your space to be calm and to be kind of clutter free? Because that's what does serve you on the rare occasions that IT happens.

So is a lot of ways to address that. In the first one, I always like to say, as I love to get curious with people about why that is relaxing to them, because there is a difference between I feel more at is when my space is functional and and when things are beautiful, I like to look at beautiful things verses, when my house is put together, right? I feel like i'm doing okay, I can breathe.

I feel like i've got IT. I've got myself together, and therefore I am worthy. So what you tell yourself when your house is clean will mire what you tell yourself when your house is messy, because if you look around your hospital together, go OK.

C, C, I am a really adult. I've got IT together. I am on top of things. Then when you have a week when it's messy, well, what does that mean?

So I like to kind of differentiate that there's a difference between a functional enjoyment of your space. I'd like to know where my things aren't get them. I like to be to you, walk into my kitchen and see a beautiful bed of flowers.

I like to not smell dog shit on the floor, right? Like those are functional enjoyment of your space. That's a different than I, I, I can't rest unless it's perfect, but because he doesn't actually serve you. If perfect makes you not have anxiety, that doesn't necessarily mean perfect.

Serve you well, then let's go there. Because as I was listening to you, I would divide my house into two spots, public and private. And so in the public spaces, because I work from home like so many of us do.

And there's a lot of people coming in and out, and a lot of people had busy households with kids and that kind of stuff. I just find that I love beauty, I love the flowers. I love the home being like like a warm hug for people to walk into just in a few rooms.

And I don't feel this moral obligation is just I just feel an ex hail and I don't feel like there's anything that I need to do to prepare anything for anybody to make them feel welcome. And like things are waiting in the private spaces though I beat myself up like the laundry room, the bathroom, uh, my closet, my closet. A has a school in IT where I currently have a tourist game going with thirty laundry.

My favorite cleaning method is to close the door and then feel bad about IT that there's a pile and they're still waiting for me like there is that it's not that I want a beautiful closet. I feel like I can't get to the shit. There's something wrong with.

Well, it's important to remember that care tasks are not binary. States have done or not done, they are cycles.

What does that mean?

So what that means is that we're used to going, are the dishes done or they not done? Is laundry done or is that not done? That's true.

And the truth is your laundry exists in a cycle IT does you have that are clean in the closet, you have closed, that are on your body. You have closed that are dirty on the floor. You have closed that are dirty in the hampered.

You have closed that are dirty waiting to go in the wash. You have some of the wash. You've some there, you have some that are wait, like that's a cycle and every state of that cycle meal is morally neutral. You're not a good person when is they're all parked in the you know close IT and a bad person when they're in the hampered, it's OK for any of IT to be in that cycle and you are not morally obligated to line up every care cycle in your home at the done stay at the same time.

If you could see me right now as you're listening to this podd cast you on youtube, go my mouth is on the floor because casey Davis, you just change my fucking life with that reframe. Let me just give them back to, because I want you listening to really grab a hold of this. First of all, if you think about laundry, the machine has cycles that you can pick from.

And laundry, if you think about IT, like a never ending cycle, just a never ending cycle of things that go in the washing things ago and the drier things that go back to the spot where they're gonna go, then they go back in the water, then they go back in the drier. It's never, I think that is done. It's always a cycle.

The same thing is truth, grocery shopping. You don't get grocery shopping done. You do IT in a cycle.

The same thing is to as tidy. I mean, my playroom, my living room is not clean or dirty. It's clean, perfect, just cleaned IT.

It's a few toys on the floor. It's a few toys and a few more on the floor. And here's the key in that cycle. There's a place where IT reaches where it's not functional anymore, and that's where I want to reset the cycle OK. But the key isn't, how do I get everything done and keep IT done and keep on top of IT.

The key is how do I learn to turn all of these cycles at a pace where it's functional, where I can't, where I have, clean clothes when I need them, clean dishes when I need them. I always say, like, when I decided to take on the laundry of my home, I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean cloth. I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones.

Oh, say that again.

Same with additional ous.

Louder for the people in the back case.

Say that again, I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean dishes to eat off of. I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones.

And for the laundry, I signed up to make sure I have clean cloth and sort of my families, I never signed up to make sure that they were never dirty close. Oh, you get to customize .

that cycle because if you're moving that cycle to fast mell, you're exhausted, you're perfectionism, you're anxious, you can sit down, you can't rest or if you're struggling in such a way where you're not moving those cycles fast enough, you don't have clean clothes, you you can't function in your space. So you just want to get a pace that works for you and you can customize those cycles. I don't fold my clothes because that was the part that was stuck sticking the cycle.

how? So what did you figure out about yourself? Because it's interesting that you say that, casey, because I could load a dishwasher full of dirty dishes all day long, I could load a washing machine.

I love stein, sticking that stuff and shoving IT in there. And like all the things, and I can even move IT to the driver when the fire beeps or the dish washer is done. I have some kind of a trauma response to that because I hate putting things away, hate IT. yeah. IT sucks. yes.

Can I make a guess?

And why bring IT on? okay. Well.

i'll tell what IT is for me, and i'll see what IT is for you. The act of loading things, my brain naturally will do IT in a pattern. Yes, like if i'm loving the dish watches, like cups, cups, 看 place， place, place, place, place.

And I put in all in this beautiful tech is whatever, right, saying with laundry, it's going in, it's going, it's going in, it's going in and mp dump shut. It's this pattern. But when you have to put dishes away, it's pick up.

Look at the cup. Is here this like there's the ending. Nobody likes to bend over and over and there's no pattern like your brain likes a pattern. IT gets a little dopamine juice.

Oh my god, I even when I when I have to unload, I avoid IT like the plague. You know, i'm joking about the dog poop, but it's typically a cat hair ball. Somehow our cat will barf these hair balls up and everybody walks by IT like, they didn't see IT and I know they saw IT because they come to be and go, mom, the cat threw up and like, and pick IT up.

He's your cat to I digress. But on the occasions that I unload the dishwashers, I always organize them into groups on the counter. Because you're right, it's the pattern of IT. I fucking love you.

That's what of the hacks is, turning things into patterns, turning things into rituals. So here's what happened to me with my launcher. I I could get in the washer.

I could get in the dryer, and then what I would do is I would pull IT out, and I would sit in a pile, a clean pile, in front of the drier. Me, I would do this over and over, over. And I would, everyone to walk over IT.

And when I wanted to dress me in my kids in the morning, and i'd have to go through the pile and find something cleaned to the wear. And I was always kind of stress about IT. And there was this one day where I actually like the macoushi. We're sleep at the same time and I was like, i'm going to go fold that laundry and i'm sitting there and folding the laundry and i'm just thinking about how much at sucks and how much I hate folding laundry and and I looked down myself all the sudden and i'm folding like a fleas pajama one zy, and I like slowed down, and I like put IT down, and I looked around and I was like, I had folded like underwear and like running shorts and tank tops that I never wear outside of the house.

And I was like, none of this shit needs to be folded, but why am I folding fleas, pajamas and baby ones? Es, that either don't wrinkle or like, nobody gives you of the wrinkle? D, when I really started to look around, think about that, there was such a small percentage of my wardrobe that needed to be folded or hung up.

And I hate folding, so I just started hanging IT up. So I, you know, maybe twelve shirts that need to hang, sure. But everything else.

What I did that day was I, first of all, I took all the out of my kids caught because I realized I was so stupid for me to be dressing three people and moving to three different locations. To do that, I was like, this is silly. I need to look at my main on sweet closet, which was big, and I was off the laundry room and I just moved.

Everyone's closing there, so I could go to one place with my small children, address every ones. Now, all the dirty closer in one place dress. Everyone is are closer there.

And I stopped folding them. I just got a bunch of baskets, and I organized them. So then when stuff comes out of the drier, I literally sit on my bt and and it's like I think i'm throwing cards.

Like I just it's like short, short pants shirts. Like I just put them and they're all organized. And are they wrinkled? Yes, but you know what? They were wrinkled before, but now they're organized and novels walking over them. And i'm not stressed and I can find what i'm looking for. So by cutting out that step that didn't doesn't actually bring value to me IT was just a thing I thought I was supposed to be doing all of the sudden that was, that was the hitch and the cycle that was like grinding the gear every time I got to that place. And now the laundry's done every week.

wow. Say you're Better than me.

not than you know you Better.

So I I think you nailed IT with the pattern. I want to talk about your concept that momentum is way more important than motivation when IT comes to taking care of yourself or doing household jars.

Yeah so if you're in a place where you know IT feels as though the effort to get off the culture of the chair or out of bed to do a care task feels just insurance table, I want to to think less about, oh, i'm not motivated. I'm not motivated. I'm not motivated as as though you have to get like excited about IT and think more about creating momentum.

So sort of lowering the barrier to entry. So I don't want to get up and go to my dishes, but what if I just gave myself permission to stand up or what if I gave myself permission to go stand in the kitchen, but not do the dishes? And i've done this, and i'll stand in the kitchen and i'll stand in the kitchen and look at tiktok for thirty minutes.

And then I go, well, what if I just did one dish and I joked, just one. What if I just stood two dishes, and sometimes I stop IT too, and that's an awesome, because now I have two clean dishes tomorrow, and sometimes I keep going. So there's something about that.

The other thing that I think is helpful, I talk about the five things tidying method, where any time I pick up a room, I go in the same order. I, I get all the trash and thrown away. I get all the dishes, I put him in the sink, I get all the laundry put in the basket, and then I put away everything that has a place, and I make a pile of things that don't have a place. But the key to that for me is scheduling that at a time in my day where I will already be on d my feet and already have my shoes on.

哼。

So this is, I wake up, I get my kids ready for school, I send them off to the bus. When I walk back in my house, I up. And there's some motivation I can capitalize on there.

I'm already standing. I've just done something. So now I can do something for five minutes, and maybe I even set a timer to get over that hump in my brain. That goes, this is going to take so long, right? You capitalize on that.

But I can become part of the cycle orythia, where you walk in the door, if you take one room, do the trash, put dishes in the sink, make a pile, things that are what not out of place. And what was the third forth and fifth.

it's a trash dishes, laundry, things that have a place and things that don't have a place.

I think I got IT. So I want to repeat IT back, to be sure that I have IT and to make IT really simple for you listening, casey, you ask to clean up a room in the same way every single time, because that will make sure we don't get overwhelmed. And just so that you and I always have the steps, here they are again.

First, you get the trash you throw out out. Second, you get the dishes out of the room and into the sink or the dish washers. Third, you take the ladders and you put IT in a basket for you put things away that have a place in that room.

And five, make a pile of everything that does not have a place in that room you're standing in. And then wala, you're done. Casey, I love that. And I can see how if you get into the risk of cleaning in that five steps every day in the room that you're in, rather than thinking about how you're going to do every single room, how that would make things less overwhelming. Now I just looked at the clock.

Do you realized we've been talking for over hour and we've only just scratched the surface? Casey and I even even gotten to the pile of listener questions that we have for you. And so here's what i'm thinking.

Do you have another hour that you could spend with us first of all, in order to go through all these questions? sure. Okay, great.

So here's what i'd like to do. How about we end the episode right now? yeah.

How about we end the episode right now? Because if what casey is saying is resonating with you as deeply as IT is for me, I know you don't have two hours to spend on podcast right now. So as your friend, we're going to divide this into two conversations.

Part one, what you just listen to, and part two, which you're about to listen to. And the reason why I want to do that is because I wanted make IT easy for you. That's how IT roles on the ml Robin's broadcast.

So casey, stand by. We will start with listening questions in just a second. And you listening, please do me a favor or please share this episode with the people in your life that you love.

Everybody struggles on some level with this topic, and we're not talking about and enough. And we all need cases, genius hacks and her advice. And the fact is, now that you've just spend an hour with us, you know how to help yourself. And more importantly, when you share this episode, you can help somebody else who is silently struggling because they feel overwhelmed. And one more thing I remind you and I all the time that whatever is that you're going through its temporary.

But what i'd love so much about this conversation with casey is that we also have tools to help one another through these moments when they feel overwhelming, temporarily or not, all right, in case no one else tells you, I want to tell you, no matter how high the piles of laundry are or the dishes are stacked in your sink, I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to take control and smallways and not be so hard on yourself, because you deserve that and you deserve more. Casey Davis, and that's why i'm going to talk to you. And a few days, I love you.

Get ready, but this is literally the perfect day for me to take to you, because I have not showered. Hi, I did managed to wash my face, which I am very, very proud of. hello.

Oh my god, that's theory. To stay on top of everything that you have to do at your place, laundry, dishes, place, home house, then where you live. I can't find you.

Oh, I don't think i'm in the document you're in. I don't see her. No, you're there.

Oh, okay. Hey, it's red mail. Here comes the bird.

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue ber. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers, right? And what I need to read to you, this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

I'm just your friend. I am not a licence therapies, and this pocket is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapy or other qualified professional. Got IT good. I'll see in the next episode stitcher.

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