Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Deep Dive
Why is challenging behavior often misunderstood and mistreated?
Challenging behavior is often misunderstood and mistreated because people typically see it as a lack of will or motivation, rather than a lack of skills in areas like problem-solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance. This misinterpretation leads to ineffective and often harmful approaches like rewards, consequences, or punishment.
Why does the quality of the helping relationship matter in behavior change?
The quality of the helping relationship, based on empathy, understanding, and nonjudgmental acceptance, is the most reliable predictor of helping someone change their behavior. This collaborative relationship is essential for building skills and fostering lasting change.
What are the five core skills that can lead to challenging behavior when missing?
The five core skills are: language and communication, attention and working memory, emotion and self-regulation, cognitive flexibility, and social thinking. When a person lacks these skills, they may struggle to manage their behavior effectively, leading to challenging dynamics.
Why is empathy the most important ingredient in collaborative problem solving?
Empathy is the most important ingredient because it helps regulate the other person, making them more accessible and calm. It involves understanding their perspective, asking questions, making educated guesses, reflective listening, and reassurance. This process is crucial for setting the stage for effective problem-solving.
Why are rewards and consequences often ineffective for people with attention issues?
Rewards and consequences are often ineffective for people with attention issues because their difficulty lies in focusing on things that are not intrinsically interesting, not in a lack of motivation. These external motivators can even make matters worse by adding stress and harming their self-esteem.
Why is it important to avoid imposing will (Plan A) and to choose collaboration (Plan B) instead?
Imposing will (Plan A) often leads to conflict, harms relationships, and does not build skills. Collaboration (Plan B) involves understanding both parties' concerns and working together to find a mutually satisfactory solution, which is more effective and helps build skills and deeper connections.
Why has the pandemic affected young adults' ability to 'adult'?
The pandemic has disrupted the normal skill development process, causing many young adults to lag behind in areas like problem-solving, flexibility, and self-regulation. This gap between expected and actual skill levels makes 'adulting' more challenging and can lead to frustration for both parents and young adults.
Why is it important to break generational curses by changing how we communicate with our children?
Breaking generational curses involves changing how we communicate with our children. It means avoiding yelling and criticism, setting a positive tone, and listening to them. This approach helps build their skills and fosters a healthier, more empathetic relationship.
Why should we extend the principle 'people do well if they can' to ourselves?
Extending the principle 'people do well if they can' to ourselves involves showing empathy and understanding toward our own struggles. Recognizing that we are doing the best we can with the skills we have can help us be more compassionate and motivated to improve ourselves.
Why is it important to take breaks and break out of routines for personal growth?
Taking breaks and breaking out of routines is important for personal growth because it provides a fresh perspective and can lead to life-changing decisions. A change in environment helps break old patterns and allows for new insights and renewed energy.
- Challenging behavior is often misunderstood and mistreated.
- The biggest predictor of helping someone change is the helping relationship built on empathy and understanding.
- People do well if they can; a lack of skills, not motivation, often underlies challenging behavior.
Shownotes Transcript