Ep. 20 - Silent, But Dadly
01:04:56 Share

This summer, Instacart presents famous summer flavors coming to your front door. Or pool. Or hotel. Your grocery delivery has arrived, sir. That was faster than room service. No violins in the lobby? Seriously? Anyway, sit back, relax, and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Starring your favorite snacks, drinks, and more. Download Instacart for free delivery on your first three orders. Rated H for hungry audiences. Offer valid for a limited time. Minimum $10 per order. Excludes restaurants. Additional terms and fees apply.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. And so we three purple-robed figures meet again. We have all five children, and now we merely wait for the fathers to arrive. Although that last one was kind of, it was a little touch and go there. I was worried they were going to have to eat his skin. Yes, but instead they just gave him permanent trauma, which is a recurring thing for them seemingly. That's unfortunate. It doesn't matter.

I have tempted the Daryl with an offer he is unable to refuse. I know that at this very moment they must be hurtling as fast as they can toward this very castle. Yes, I'm sure they will be traveling here with much haste now that their children's lives are on the line. Yes, a straight line. A line straight from where they currently are to the end of the story as they see it, with no bullshit in the middle. None whatsoever. And when they get here, they'll have to contend with our greatest weapon, a dragon that we control with the orb of dragon...

Where is the orb? Where's the orb? Is anybody seeing the orb? Eyes on the orb. Anybody? I have the orb, and it is mine forever! Seven dragon balls with which I will wish for anything that I touch! It is not a dragon ball. That is not a thing. I disagree! Dragon, dragon, dragon balls! See, I am Vegeta! I am...

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Actually, it is occasionally a BDSM podcast, and we also play some D&D. This is a podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. Can I interject for a second? Yeah, okay. I just feel like it's... You do every time, but sure, why not? It's been a while since there was any BDSM, so... We need some sexy in this podcast. I do... No, I...

I wasn't saying that necessarily, but it does seem like false advertising to say it's like mostly a BDSM podcast. It's not a BDSM podcast at this point. It is going to be today. But it will maybe. Just trust us. You never know. It's Babe Ruth calling a shot. You never know. You never know. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the bard slash dad rock enthusiast.

And guitarist. My dad fact this week for Glenn is this. We got Halloween coming up. By the time this episode is out, we'll be a couple days out from the spookiest night of the year. Thanksgiving. Because of families, right? Glenn Close, because of his allegiance to Christmas music, canonically. Ah.

He hates Halloween. He hates two things. The two things he hates. Halloween's the most rock and roll holiday there is. He disagrees, actually. Christmas Hanukkah is the most killer one-two combo. Nothing rocks harder than Hanukkah. Yes. All of that classic Ozzy Osbourne music that gets played over Hanukkah and Christmas as opposed to Halloween. Well, Glenn has something to say about it. The other thing he hates more than Halloween? Mall Santas. Hates mall Santas because they always harsh his vibe. Yeah.

How do they harsh his vibe? Because they're too cool? Because they're there. Yeah, Beth's right. It's just too much alpha energy coming out of the mall Santa's. Is that a reference to Huey Martinez's fan art? Yes. So Huey, who's been drawing up a storm on the Twitter, did a little non-canon comic that I really enjoyed, which is basically a mall Santa losing his mind and Glenn having to calm him down. But now it's canon. Now it's canon. Yeah. That's right. It's canon, baby. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad, and my dad fact comes from my own brain and not one of our fans. Ha ha ha!

Oh my God. Matt, that was devastating. Savage. On a personal level for me to hear. Freddie, just rip up your character sheet. It's over. I'm just throwing my computer away. Sorry. Oh my God. I am so sad right now. He didn't get to eat Grant's face, so he's going to eat Freddie's.

I had to do it. Should I just make a new character? I'm sorry, Freddie. Yeah, I don't care about like Freddie's feelings. I care about our fans. I guess I'll be a druid. No, we already have a druid. Okay, okay. Well, I apologize. And to continue, I guess, me being an asshole is so my dad fact, Daryl Wilson. Well, this is actually really a grand fact about how he learned there's no Santa.

because Daryl Wilson was so excited to scare his son on Halloween that he got his Santa outfit and he made him all bloody. And then he woke up Grant when he was six years old being like, it's Christmas time. And he ran out and there's a bloody Santa. And I screamed and caught him and he went terribly wrong. So I had to explain like,

it was your dad. This is my Santa outfit. There's no, one, there's no Santa and two, I ruined your Halloween morning. I'm sorry. Oh my. So anyways. That's dark. Maybe what happened last episode wasn't that much of a change for me. He's like, this is somehow familiar. He genuinely thought it'd be funny because like his dad scared him. He's like, I'm like, he really likes Halloween. He likes getting scary. He's like, oh, this is gonna be really funny. It's gonna be scary. But I do want to call out the,

Matt basically stole his dad back from a Frasier episode where Frasier dresses up as a spooky clown to scare his dad. Oh, and he gives his dad a heart attack. Oh my gosh, yes. Oh shit, well, there's a little bit of Santa Claus in there too. Yeah, oh shit, okay, well, I steal from the best. Ha ha ha!

What's up, everyone? Greetings. Happy Halloween. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the spookiest dad of them all, who's a granola munching, bone crunching, grave digging nature druid dad.

Birkin shocks on his feet. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. My Halloween themed dad fact this week is that Henry goes all out on the haunted house with Mercedes O'Greasy every year. They have like cool. They have some like legit creepy stuff that they put up and like witches in the windows and like they really go all out on. It's very crafty. It's very witchy and fun, but none of the kids come up to the house and he thinks it's because they did such a good job scaring them. Oh my God. But in reality,

It's because they have the fucking wackest snacks on the block. They got healthy snacks. It's like cucumbers with little witch hats on them and like, you know, cauliflower ghosts. It's no good. It's no good. It's like nobody would trust it. Cauliflower ghosts. That's the name of my band. Can I throw another Halloween dad fact there? Because you actually reminded me of one that I thought of earlier this week and I forgot about until this very moment. Fire away. It's about Halloween candy.

You know that story about THC-laced Halloween candy showing up? Oh, no. Guess who might have been the source of that accidentally one year in San Dimas and why the local news always seems to cover that story? Because Glenn mixed up his chocolate with the band's chocolate, and it ended up being not a good thing. That's great. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, a spooky,

person. Actually the spookiest thing one can be in this world. A step other. Ron is objectively the spookiest dad. I definitely agree and my dad fact this week is that although as we've seen Ron is actually not easily sort of rattled by like scary I mean there's been scary things in this podcast. There have been things that I've been scared of in this podcast but as a committed role player I had to play as if Ron was not scared. Um

But in the context of Halloween, Ron is scared of everything. So it's like if you say like boo and it's related to Halloween, Ron is immediately like really scared. Or if it's like a scary movie, if it's like in the context of anything fictional, he's like very, very frightened. But if something real and dangerous is happening right in front of him, he's like, that's fine. Wow.

He's got very overactive imagination. I guess, yeah. Our friend Chris is like that. He cannot watch any scary movies. I remember him telling me one time that he tried to watch the beginning of Candyman 3, and he was like, the scene at the beginning of this Candyman movie, it's like a professor talking about the Candyman myth and what happened in the last two movies, and he just started describing in a well-lit classroom how scary Candyman was, and he was like, well, I had to turn the movie off, and I couldn't sleep for two days. Oh my gosh.

I'm kind of the same way, but I love it. I'm such a glutton for Halloween scary punishment. Nothing pleases me more than scary things.

Boo! Ah! Don't be scared. It's me, your dad. Please, please don't be scared. Please, please don't be scared. Hey, come back. Come back. I'm your daddy master, I'm Anthony Burch. The first thing that I ever went as for Halloween was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and I had a green... Which one? Oh, Michelangelo, obviously. The pizza. The pizza chucks. The pizza boy. I made it after my own heart. And yeah, I had a lot of green face paint on myself, and I think if there are any pictures that remain, it probably looks very problematic because of the way the lighting turns out, but like...

It'd be pretty easy to Photoshop that. Anthony's getting out ahead of this one early. It was a Ninja Turtle. To a colorblind person, Anthony, you are like super problem, right? Yeah, I am colorblind. So when I look at that picture, I go like, that's just blackface. That's no good. That's no good. Oh, that's a good excuse for you. It's like, I thought it was green. I thought it was green. I'm literally just colorblind. I'm sorry, everybody. That's the old judo move. Actually, you're the racist one.

All of you are level six, by the way. Yay! Okay, so when we last left you, you had once again caused irreparable harm to the psyche of one of your children. I mean, yeah, irreparable. We'll see. So basically, four nights, the tournament is now over. Is it a fanfare? So you're standing around and you see some fireworks go off. You've won 44-something. I just thought it weird, but it's fun, man.

It's a title that actually doesn't make any sense, but it became so popular that it just stuck. And, you know, now we just is the thing. Has nothing to do with the actual gameplay, really. So the gas that you hear hissing around you begins to die down. The sky around you begins to sort of dissolve. And you can see that there is... Oh, man, this is a simulation. I knew it. Yeah.

the dome sort of dissolves and you can see a bunch of goblins basically just hand cranking little weird generators around the circumference of the map. I wave at one. It's too busy cranking. It can't. It has no time for you. I guess you guys can either just sort of sit there and wait for somebody to come to you with your prizes or...

You can leave. It's up to you. We sit here. We wait for the. We're standing around. Fuck this. I got like so much hit point damage. I came up from being dead. I'm hanging out. And I'm too cool and important to go find a prize. I know we've done this like four times, but like, I'm fine. Just if any of you are wondering, I'm okay with, you know, I'm

I'm dealing with it. Oh, right. We should check it out. It feels kind of weird to talk about because you all went through it, but yeah, I'm okay. Daryl, I do want to check in. You're right. Just because we all went through it and you knew it was coming doesn't mean it's not hard to see your son disappear into a puff of purple smoke, especially when it seems like the kind of last interaction you had with him was like him stifling his feelings and being a little weird. It's kind of jacked up that we weren't able to get that right after like four. I'm not okay. That's a huge step. Yeah, I'm just letting you guys know. I thank you for sharing that. It's okay that it's not okay.

All right. Could I have your prize? Yeah. What prizes do we get? I thought we get trophies or something. And it might be like us, like in little poses on the trophies, like doing cool things. Like me, me on my little stilts next to a big trophy. This is Ron Stampler. He won with other dads. So you want, you want a trophy with me on it? Um, it's pretty cool. Oh, I was hoping maybe I could just get like two, like various poses of me, Ron Stampler. Yeah.

So as you're talking about this, the biggest dog you've ever seen comes ambling up to you. Whatever your favorite kind of dog is, that's what you see him as. Like on the shirts I used to wear. Oh my God. Oh, I had big dog shirts as well. If you can't run with the big dog, stay off the porch. Just to clarify, this dog looks different to all of us? Yes, whatever your favorite breed of dog is, that's what you see. You see the largest version of it. My favorite dog is clearly a dog from a big dog shirt. I think like the problem is

that I'm experiencing right now is that like, like Ron would see the dog as a hug, like, you know, a pug, but Beth is really into sort of like a shepherdy mutt things like sort of collie-ish adjacent. The old role play or is it your character or is it you question? And there's a stark divide here in this particular example. You gotta try to stay true to the character, Beth. Okay. It's a hug. Okay.

Okay. So it has around its neck a bunch of trophies and it comes to all of you and it kneels over and only the first place trophy snaps from its neck and falls to the ground. I run and I hug it.

Can I roll to pet the dog? Go ahead and roll. Roll to pet the dog. I'm going to call you Grant, and I hug him really tight. Whoa. Roll a d20, Matt, to pet the dog. Did Daryl just say he's going to call this dog Grant? Uh-huh. Oh, Henry, I think he's kind of not as okay. I got a nine. You got a nine? What'd you get? I got a five. I'm sorry, dog. I wish I could have pet you better. It immediately dodges out of the way like it's not its job to be loved. Its job is to deliver these trophies, and you're going to distract him. Henry scoffs and goes, that's dogs for you. Daryl starts crying.

Daryl's crying. Whoa, Daryl. Just start crying. Just holding this trophy. Hey, man. Hey, I give Daryl a big hug. Hey, Daryl, what's going on, man? Just talk to me, okay? I just shouldn't have really named that dog Grant before I knew whether or not he was going to let me hug him. That really... Oh, shit. That's very good. Oh, no. Daryl, Daryl, you can call me Grant.

That's going to be a little... I appreciate it. Sorry, I just had to get that out for a little bit. I'll let you pat my head. It's okay, man. Let's all just, you know... I just want somebody to pat my head. No, that's okay, Ron. How about just a big group hug? Can we get a group hug over here? Let's just get a big group hug. Someone pat Ron's head in the group hug. I'll pat Ron's head. Oh, thanks. Now, that's not a dad huddle. It's a dad huggle. Oh. Aww.

That's kind of nice. Hey. Okay, I'm good. I'm good. I just needed to let a little bit out. Thanks, guys. Okay, well, next time, if you want to let a little more out, you just let us know, or just go ahead and do it. It's okay. Yeah, that's good. Okay, you sure? Yeah, I'm good. Where are these trophies? That was good. Yeah. What do these trophies look like? So the trophy looks exactly like the 150cc cup trophy from Mario Kart 64. I'm pulling up a reference image. And inside of it, you can see an amulet.

And that is the first place prize. While you're maybe looking at that, the dog goes to CERN. It goes to the Githzerai that was laughing at you guys from his tower. Zendaya. It goes to Zendaya. And it goes to the hotties. And it drops off the second, third, and fourth place prizes, respectively. So you guys get an amulet. CERN seems to get a pretty large staff that's like ice on the bottom and fire on the top. It's like a Q-tip that you used half of. Yikes.

Zendaya gets a deck of cards and the hotties get a pretty sizable bag of gold. Oh, hey, some gold for the hotties. Third place got a deck of many things. Yeah, I guess we kind of overshot it. We would have had to, you know, probably try to do trades or something. Let's let's do an investigation. What's the deal with this amulet? Yeah, go ahead and roll investigation. I mean, you guys won't tell us what we got.

15. I'm just yelling out. Hey, what did we win? Actually, yeah. Dog, dog, dog. Dog might as well explain it to you. Dog looks directly at you and goes, that is the amulet of proof against detection and location. I couldn't hear you, dog, because Glenn was talking. What's your name, dog? The Bounty Hunter. The Bounty Hunter.

You know what? Yeah. Please. My name is the bounty hunter. Aw. Aw. This is an amulet of proof against detection and location. So while wearing this amulet, you're hidden from divination magic. You cannot be targeted by such magic or perceived through magical scrying sensors. Cool. Like everybody or like just the person wearing it.

Just a person or thing wearing it. There's four of us. Could we get like four of these? No, but you could like, if you were like in a room or in a, that behemoth that you came in on, you could put that on that. And then what are these other gifts do? What does it look like? It's like fuzzy dice or a little pine tree. It looks like a cool AMA with like a closed eye hieroglyph on it. It's an actual D and D item.

I like that. Sorry, everybody. Boo. Boo. This podcast sucks. I would still hang it over the rear view. Yeah. If we get like a big rope and tie it around all of us, will we all be stealthy? I don't know. Nobody's ever tried to do that. I bet you would probably try it and then you probably have to roll for it. You're very knowledgeable for a dog. Can you roll for something? Can you roll over for something? Roll over.

Roll persuasion. You walked into the wrong room, motherfucker. Because a level six Glenn Close gets a plus nine on persuasion checks. That's 12 plus nine, bitch. So you did a 21? 21. So he immediately goes like, and rolls over like almost against his will and then he stands up and immediately looks up embarrassed about himself. He's like, that's humiliating. What a good boy. That's humiliating. I don't think it's cool to treat the dog like that, Glenn. I'd like to persuade Henry that it is in fact cool to treat the dog like that.

Henry, roll a pose. You roll wisdom against his perception. Whoever loses has to roll over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got lucky because I got a 3 plus 9, 12. So it was a bad coin flip here. I got a 15. Fuck you. Nice. I was almost convinced that it was cool. No, it's not cool. It's a sentient being, Glenn. Bad boy. He goes, yeah.

Sack of shit. You seem like a super smart, knowledgeable dog, Dog the Bounty Hunter. What's your deal? Where do you come from? I'm around here. I used to help dig out the mines and stuff like that because I'm strong and I could carry people out and stuff, but now they kind of just have me give up the trophies, which is a lot safer, honestly. It's done a lot for my quality of life. Respiratory health. Nice. Oh, that's great. I'm way better off. I'm glad to hear that. You want to come with us? Yeah, do you want to go on a cool adventure? We could use a cool dog. Car ride? You want to go car ride? I mean...

Roll persuasion. Dog, you can stick your head out of the van. What are you doing giving us a dog to play with? I'm an idiot, apparently. I got a 15. You got a 15? All right. He's like, no, I got a pretty good gig here. No.

Oh, okay. All right, well. I don't know. If you wanted to buy me, I guess you could, but I can't just. I don't know. I just buy you. Yeah, I do. All right, all right. We adopt, don't shop. Fuck me for trying to negotiate, I guess, but all right. CERN, you got the Thermostaff, which was created by Robert Moore, a listener of the podcast. Oh, cool. The Thermostaff is a tall thermometer-looking magic staff that controls the temperature in any area, and it can only be used by a dad. Holy shit.

Oh my gosh. Now, within reason, you can't immediately make it like the surface of the sun, but you can like... Hey, hey, that's a little insensitive, dog. I know that your thing is like telling it straight, but it is a little insensitive. This guy did lose his kids. Oh, my bad. Saren's like, I don't fucking need this then. Clearly, clearly I can't use this. Somebody want to trade with me? Somebody want to go tradesies? All four dads nod slowly. The dog at Bounty Hunter turns to the Gisterize and Diet and says, you got a deck of many things, obviously. Uh,

And Githzerai's like, yes, this is exactly what I wanted. I'd always planned to be at exactly third place. And then the hotties are like, you just get a bunch of money. And they're like, yeah, that's also what we wanted. Hooray! And then Yeet does a kickflip. Who's the Z person again? He's a Githzerai. His name is Zendaya. Zendaya. And is he evil? And they're not going to just tell you if he's evil.

Hey, Matt, when you walk down the street and you get coffee, do you look at the barista and be like, is this person evil? I'm going to perceive whether or not he's evil. Why don't you roll investigation? Hey, buddy, Daryl Wilson here. Nice to meet you. I put out my hand. And threw the handshake. You're like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. I put out my hand. Great game. Great game, buddy. He looks you up and down and goes, yes, it was, and shakes your hand. Yeah, we got a pretty cool amulet. Probably the best thing. That deck sounds pretty cool, I guess.

I got a 13 investigation. Yeah, you can tell this guy is probably not great. This looks like a dude that has made a lot of his money by fighting people and killing people. You don't know if he's evil or not, but you know he's definitely a rowdy boy. Crazy surviving this whole thing. What are you planning on doing after this? Especially with that deck of many things that you got there. Oh, with this sweet baby, I'm going to arrange a large number of slaves that I will purchase. Each one of them will individually draw a card, and I will be entitled to half of whatever they get if it's something I like. That's really smart.

Guys, that's really just want to point out. That's really smart. Is that a phrase saying that or Glenn saying that? Both. That's really clever, man. That's a way to get. Oh, what? It's bad, though. It's bad, though. I'm just. It is. It's not that bad. One of the slaves is going to potentially get a lot of money. It's both bad and clever.

What happened? But there's one that's like a wish. So how do you do like half a wish? Oh, I'll just make sure to have some sort of. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I want I don't feel like I need to explain myself. I don't know. It's just super cool. We're just both competitors. I just thought, you know, we won.

I went in the way that I wanted. Being number one, you know, we have a saying where I come from in the Forgotten Realms. First is the worst, second's the best, and third is the nerd with the hairy chest, and that's me. And he reveals a chest full of luscious hair. So much fucking hair. So you hear footsteps approaching hurriedly, and you see Erin O'Neil running up to you. Her face is as white as a sheet. And she goes, I saw through the...

Through the leaf. Aaron! Hey, what's up? What's going on? You okay? I saw through the- Come congratulate us on our victory, huh? Through the time of face spell, I saw what happened to the- I'd only heard it back in the dark of Porta, but here I fucking saw- Oh, you gotta promise me whatever happens, you don't- Whoever is taking your kids, you can't fight them. Huh? What do you mean? That what I've- But that's like what we're good at. No.

I like to persuade Aaron that I'm actually good at fighting. Go ahead, you piece of shit. I roll a 22. God damn it, she's 13 plus 9. You are amazing at fighting. Specifically, Glenn, you are very good at fighting, weirdly. Aaron, we would burn this whole world down to find our kids. I'm not saying don't find your kids. I'm saying, Aaron, Aaron, take a breath. It's okay, we won. Are you being chased? Is something going to happen right now? Are we in trouble? Yeah.

I mean, well, also, yeah, the cops are coming. Remember I told you that the cop, when you got in, the cops are coming. The slow it follows cops. That take a long time. Can we do a dad hotel plus Aaron?

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Hey, Aaron, do you think you could steal the tech and many things from that guy? Because he seems like bad news. Bad, bad. She looks over at the guy and the guy's just watching you and he like waves. Hey, how's it going, buddy? She's like, I'm one of ours. I'm not really stealthy. I don't know what I could. We should sneak after this guy and steal that deck. Hey, CERN, enter the thing. Yeah, what's up? Hey, man. What is CERN wearing? CERN is wearing suspenders. Oh, this is actually great. Is he wearing anything else?

It's a pair of suspenders. He's got a little hole in the pants so he can poop. Yeah, and for his tail, because he was planning on just wearing the armor the whole time. So this is like you kind of with his undershirt on. Hey, sir, I've got this idea. So, OK, you've got that staff thing that changes the temperature. And I was wondering if I could put on your little suspenders. I'll give you a pair of pants in exchange. Then I'll use the staff to appear cold blooded. Saddle up to Zendaya.

And I'll steal the deck of many things. Sorry, Ron, just what part of that requires you to be cold-blooded? What part of it requires you to wear his pants? Okay, well, they'll think I'm Cern. Of course, Zendaya thinks that we're going to want the deck of many things, but Cern, he's not going to suspect. And if I'm cold, then I'll be a reptilian like Lizard Boy Scales. So your plan is to disguise yourself as me? Yeah.

Why is that any better than you just being you? I don't know. I think I always admired your physique, the scales. You know, guys, I think I'm OK with I think Ron's maybe got a point here. Maybe we just see how it happens. And maybe we use this as a distraction. Actually, Ron is just going to walk away from the huddle and see if he can get the deck of many things.

Wait, do you try to slip away without us noticing? Yeah, I'll be stealthy to you guys. Go ahead and roll stealth to see if they notice that you're still in the huddle or not. While you're talking, so it's a disadvantage. I've got plus eight stealth and I got a 16, so that's wild. You got a 24 stealth? Yeah. Definitely roll again because of disadvantage. Damn it.

I got a 13, so I still got like... Yeah, 21. Yeah. So yeah, while you're talking about how good an idea this is, you slowly sort of disappear out of the conversation. And I guess people pay so little attention to the shit that you say that nobody notices. Not even Cern. Zendaya. What? Hi. Um...

Could I have that deck? Roll persuasion. Five. No. Do you want to see a magic trick? Are you trying to beat me up and steal my deck? No, no, no, no. I want to show you a magic trick. But it's a card trick is the thing. Roll persuasion again, but with disadvantage.

Well, I just quit failed, so, yeah. No, I don't think I will be. In fact, I think I'm going to be on my way. You go ahead and tell your friends that it was a good game. Thanks for killing off that chimera, and I will bid you adieu. And he starts to walk away. It's a shame that you're walking away because my card tricks are nothing compared to the other dad's.

The other dad. Run. Guys, show Zendaya your card tricks. You know, wink, wink your card tricks. Why did you just say wink twice? I do a bit called wink, wink. Yes, yes. And it's before he does his incredible card trick. If somebody wants to try to roll persuasion to make this guy give a fuck about card tricks, you feel free. I feel like Henry just tried to, but unfortunately, Henry doesn't have a plus nine persuasion. So we'll see what happens.

I got a 10. 10's not gonna do it. Hey, Z-Man. We're not gonna let you walk away with that deck of many things. We're not really cool on the whole on you killing slaves sort of thing. Roll intimidate. With advantage because you guys were number one and you killed the most people. I got a 21. Whoa. I mean, you saw what we did to Chimera and that wasn't that big of a deal. In fact, I forgot that I could attack twice. I just learned that on level five. Yeah, man.

It was like with my left hand tied behind my back. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to cause you a problem. I'm just saying like, you know, maybe we just cut a deal and just make this easy for everybody. So he stops and he turns around pivoting on one foot and goes like that.

That is a very fair point. It's decidedly against the rules of four nights, as I'm sure the Bounding Hunter would be happy to tell you. And Dog turns to you and is like, you don't like people to kill each other for the prizes after. It's like, it kind of defeats the purpose of the whole thing. I know, but it's like, you can't really make rules of what we do after the game. What are you going to do? Tell me what you do after the game? It's a gentle suggestion not to do. It's going to be a no from me, Dog. And you don't have a rule that you can't use the prizes to kill slaves? No. Your rules are dumb. Yeah, I mean. Sorry, Dog. Don't.

I would like to persuade dog that he's a good boy. I roll a 20. You're a good boy. Oh, that's good to know. Does his tail wag? His tail wags a little bit. It's slow, but it's a very big tail. So it's like people behind him, you can see their hair get blown back. So Z-Man, what's up? I would happily trade your amulet for the deck. That feels fair.

I think we can do that. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, the amulet doesn't seem that cool. I mean, there's a library looking for us magically. I do want to make it known to the group that when druids turn level six, they go through a very special change in their body. And I have a spell called...

Hearth of the Moonlight and Shadow, which means that during a short or long rest, I can touch a point in space and create an invisible 30-foot sphere that grants a plus five bonus to stealth and perception checks while within it, and light from open flames from within it can't be seen. Wow.

Wow. I get to make like a little bubble when we rest. That's cool. So, you know, like if we need to hide the van for a while, like I can make a little bubble. That's fabulous. Yeah, that's cool. I don't want to make decisions for all the dads. Like if we really think we need the amulet more, but I'm really not cool with this guy taking this whole thing. So Aaron says like, well, just so you know, whatever magic it was that took the kid, that's really, really powerful stuff. Like that's stuff that I could never do. And that amulet would almost certainly protect you from those, whatever forces that are, that is seeing you.

Wait, I got an idea. I walk up to Zendaya. I'm like, Zendaya, you look like a musical fellow. Why don't you retire right now with this? And I unsling the guitar. Battle Axe of Hatred. Battle Axe of Hatred. I say, here's the thing. This is the most sonorous guitar in all the land. You just got strumming hard, baby. And it'll...

You know, it's worth a lot. It was autographed by Eric Clapton. It was autographed by High Imron. And behind my head, I'm like, Ron, like Sharpie this. Pointing at the back of it. Don't you know High Imron, the legendary folk rock troubadour? Does anybody have a Sharpie? I have heard of High Imron. I never heard them live, but I've heard they're pretty cool. He autographed it in blood. Just cut your finger. Okay, okay. Ow!

Christopher Walken back there. I like signs. Okay, so roll persuasion. Oh my God. As you try to shove this bloody... Let me just do a quick... Oh, jeez, sorry. 17 plus nine. How does that work? Oh my God, you're so insufferable now. This is the worst. He takes it from you and he's going to roll an arcana check.

And he goes like, oh, there's a demon in this. Yeah, but the demon like... No, no, no, no. That's what we call a plus. I'm very, very big on demon-possessed paraphernalia. Now I'm concerned that we took a nuke away from a guy and gave him a machine gun. But it's a demon. It's definitely better than him doing what he was doing. Do you want to deal with a demon?

Daryl? No. Do we want the deck or not, man? Yeah, I want the deck. I just don't want him to do bad things with it. Look, I'm taking this thing and I'm giving you the deck. That's the way it is. All right. It does seem. Promise me you won't do anything wrong with the demon. Like what? Gentleman's honor. All right. I promise. I roll a perception. Yeah, go ahead. To see if he's lying. Go ahead. Ding dong. Ding dong.

crit fail on my perception. I'm like, I think we can trust him, guys. Crit fail. What? Double crit fail? You have never been more smart in your entire life that somebody's on the fucking level. Maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe we should just let him have the deck of many things. Like, this guy seems pretty by the...

pretty by the book to Henry. This is kind of like the Iran nuclear deal where it's like, you know, it's not perfect, but it's better than the alternative. Yeah. No, he's like, that sounds great to me. So he hands you the deck of many things. And Anthony, by the way, for folks listening, has a deck. I open the

oh but yeah so he walks away strumming his guitar little licks of flame coming out of the sides of it and he's just happy as a clam can i pitch something to the dm yeah it feels like what with there being a demon in the guitar and then someone having written their name in blood on the guitar that it seems like there should be some consequence for that if the demon gets out i'll write that down i don't know what that is i don't mean to just be like the kid being like can we have extra homework but i was like that's interesting

This is a thing to plant. Yeah, that's a good thing to pull back. Like Ron's name slowly but sinisterly gets absorbed by the guitar. Yeah. So it'd be like even as it's going away, you see Ron's signature glow a little bit. Yeah, like flames. It outlines itself in flame and then bursts away into nothingness and it disappears from the guitar. I'm sure it's not a real signature too. I'm sure it's just like his name. Like he doesn't sign things. It just says Ron. Just perfectly printed Ron. Yeah. Daryl has the worst luck with blood.

Whoa, easy there. Yeah.

Dungeons and Dragons brought to you this week by Rocket Money. Rocket Money cancels subscriptions for you, and they also negotiate lower bills. Like, this is a thing you pay for, but guess what? It saves you money. That's how it works. How much do you think you're overpaying in subscriptions every month? Way too much. 74% of people have subscriptions they've straight up forgotten about.

Like me. You know what I'm going to do is I'm going to start doing like the guy in Memento and I'm just going to tattoo all my subscriptions on my body and that way I'll remember. Yeah, it's like I got one on my chest that says YouTube TV and it says never trust this guy. There's just a big one on my chest that says John G signed me up for Adobe Cloud. John G didn't have a Roku. Ha ha ha.

Most Americans think they spend about $62 a month on subscriptions. But guess what? The real number? Closer to $300. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you have full control over all of your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place. And if you see something you don't want, you just tap it. You cancel it. Tap it a few times. It's gone. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

I love also that the dashboard shows you... That was me tapping all of you guys. I want you out of my life. I'm cutting you out. Aww. I love how the dashboard also shows this month's spending compared to last month so you can track month to month how much you're spending. You can see those habits and they'll help you create a custom budget to help keep your spending on track. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. It's just like those when you deposit a check in a bank. You know what I mean? You just take a picture. That really is crazy.

Take a picture of a check and that's how it works? I know, that was wild when that first time I saw it. I felt like I was in the future. I was like, do I take a picture of a $20 bill and now I have $20 more in my account? Yeah, Rocket Money. No. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved the total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com. rocketmoney.com.

We'll be right back.

That's true. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Oh, we could do a Deadpool Wolverine-like theme for this one. Mint Mobile's here to rescue, just like Deadpool rescued Wolverine from the timeline that he was in with premium wireless plans. Who rescued who? Starting at 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text. You know who talks an unlimited amount is the Merc with the Mouth in Deadpool 3. Delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bub.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts into anywhere in the multiverse you might choose to go. Ditch overpriced wireless plans with Mint Mobile's deal to get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash dungeons. That's mintmobile.com slash dungeons. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash dungeons.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamit Mobile for details. Aaron's like, so yeah, so congratulations on the deck and stuff like that. Thank you. Hey, Henry, why don't you... No offense to Ron or Glenn here, but... And I got Butterfingers, so why don't you hold on to the deck? I'm just saying he seems like the most responsible. I give away my battle axe. He's the...

Glenn, really? You want to hold this? Yes. Oh my God. Anthony's giving me the deck. Oh my God. So I can't look at any of these, right? I mean, they're just images that don't, like you'll go ahead and draw one. Okay. All right. Wait, no, not. It's me. Scam.

Will Campos out of character is drawing one. Will, not Henry, is drawing. I'm actually scared right now to be holding this deck. Okay, yeah, so I got like a picture of a jester. Oh, so it's like, oh, you drew the jester. The jester means X, Y, and Z. And I have these three cards here that say the jester means X, Y, Z. Okay. So I guess it's because I've tried to explain to you guys what they are before, and you all have kind of been like, no, no, no, tell me. It's all about how you want to canonically establish it.

Okay. It feels like it's a mythical item that other characters have heard rumors about. Yes. You know, it feels like in the game we wouldn't know what it is. Nobody's told us. No one's told us. Yeah, we would have. Yeah, the daddies wouldn't know. But like so Aaron and Cern and everybody else who's in the Forgotten Realms knows about the deck of many things. They're an uncommon item, but they're fairly well known. So I take the deck from Daryl and I kind of look at it. I'm like very nervous about this deck. So I'm going to go ahead. Henry pulls out. He had one spare card.

condom in his back pocket this whole time. Man, what a sacrifice. Yeah. It's the wallet one. It's the wallet condom. It's been in there since high school prom. No. It's only 99.9% effective, by the way, so be careful. You know why that is, right? Yeah, it's only that. It's human error. Yeah, it's like because people are

People are dumb. Henry can spray some spermicidal lubricant on this so that it's extra. Not going to let the deck of many things get out. Just remember that when you do draw the cards out of there, that they are all juicy and it's gross. You should put lube on the inside and the outside. Okay. Just to be clear, Henry's not lubing up the condom with the deck of many things. I got to lube up the deck so I can draw better. If you just have a spermicidal lube though, in the forgotten realms, I feel like that's a magical item. Okay.

Hey, Henry, why are we not selling this? Henry doesn't. All right. I need to walk this back. Henry brought the condoms for their water storage capabilities. He did not bring sperm a lube with. Actually, I tried to say he wasn't coming with him. So what would even I guess that's true. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no. They don't. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. Call that. It gets sexy.

Where are we? Okay, so Aaron sees your trepidation as you drop them into the condom. She goes like, so generally what you need to know about the deck of many things. He didn't drop it into the condom. He stretched the condom. In my mind, it was like he held the cards in his hand.

mouth and then like open it up and just dropped it right in. They're magnums. They're magnums. He held the cards firmly at the base and in a rolling action rolled the condom over. He kept some air at the top so it didn't pop. He put the condom in his mouth. I can tie the deck of many things into a cherry stem in my mouth. You want to see? So Aaron goes, are you guys done? Yeah.

Just canonically, that's all you were saying. So Aaron says, it's slightly worse than half and half odds of drawing something from the deck. It'll either do something that's really insanely bad that'll change your life forever and ruin everything, or it'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams, or it'll make you really, really powerful, or as you all know, and as I'm sure the reason everybody wants a deck of many things is there's a one in 20-something chance of getting a wish where you can undo some horrible thing that happened. Would you draw from the deck, Aaron? Absolutely not. No way. Whoa.

Here's a question. My life's fucking great. We had a bad experience with a pyramid and a bag of beans a while ago. So certain starts crying. Oh shit. I'm sorry. I go and I put my armor on certain. Actually, a lot of people had a bad experience with the

pyramid in a bag of beans. Henry keeps forgetting about CERN when he brings that up. Maybe you've heard of this one, Aaron. It must have been pretty big news in these realms. The point isn't the pyramid. The point is, what would happen if we get, like, how does the drawing of it work? Can you only do it one at a time? If I flipped over all the cards and drew them all, like, how does that work? I will read you exactly what it says on the instruction thing I have here. You must declare how many cards you intend to draw and then draw them randomly.

Any cards drawn in excess of this number have no effect. Otherwise, the second that you draw the card from the deck, it's magic takes effect. So you can't like draw five and then go like, cool, I want to do the wish first and then like deal with the other one. So it's as you draw them, you must draw each card no more than one hour after the previous draw.

If you fail to draw the chosen number, the remaining number of cards fly from the deck on their own and take effect all at once. Oh, interesting. Wait, sorry, what? So if you say, hey, I'm going to draw five cards and you only draw three and you can't draw the remaining two, then the remaining two just come out of the deck and then happen on their own simultaneously. Okay. Once a card is drawn, it fades from existence. Unless a card is the fool or the jester, the card reappears in the deck, making it possible to draw it twice. Whoa.

And all of the effects take place one by one? Exactly. In whatever order they... So are there more than one decks of many things? Yeah, they're rare, but they're not so rare that you couldn't conceivably make them the third place prize in a deathmatch. Can you wish for more wishes? Sorry, it turns out I'm wrong. It wasn't wish. That's what I was thinking of. It allows you to avoid or erase one event as if it never happened.

Oh, God. Because, yeah, I was like, this is an incredibly powerful thing. Oh, I lied. I lied again. So there is the erasure thing. And then there's also it's even stronger than I thought. If you draw the moon card, you gain the ability to cast the wish spell 1D three times. Whoa. And then you can wish for whatever you want. So let me look up the wish. I wish I wish the 1D3 was a 1D10,000.

So according to the D&D compendium, wish is the mightiest spell a mortal creature can cast. The basic use of this spell is to duplicate any spell of eighth level or lower. It says like, ultimately you can create a bunch of effects of your choice and then it gives you a bunch of really boring shit. So we're just going to say like, you can wish something as long as I don't go fuck you, that'll ruin the podcast forever. It'll happen. All right. As a writer's room, we will decide if the wish takes effect or not. Whoa.

Oh, Anthony just gave us a loaded gun here. I feel like we shouldn't really use it right now. It's too dangerous. Hey, you got some bright eyes over there. Are you sure you can hold on to that deck without? Yeah, yeah, I got it. I got it. Keep it in the condom, buddy. I don't hear it's awesome power whispering to me silently in my ear. So I pocket it and zip it up in my fanny pack. As you begin to pocket it, CERN reaches out for it and he goes like, could I? Could you what?

Could I have it? You want the deck, Cern? Uh-huh. What are you going to do with it? I mean, I can kind of figure what you're going to do with it. Yeah, I don't have anything to lose, so I would just, like, draw all the cards. Well, here's the thing, though, statistically. Aaron, is there a mathematician in this world? She goes, oh, yeah, let me go find her. Oh, you're looking at her.

and she points at herself with both thumbs and she goes, garden magic and math magic are my two specialties. Cern, you want to draw all the cards? Wait, you didn't keep choosing to draw one, right? I think it's literally you only get to draw in your entire life once. You get one go at it per person. Oh, okay.

So the only way to guarantee that you get the wish is to say, I draw them. And that's not even a guarantee, and Aaron's saying, it's not even a guarantee because, again, they resolve one at a time. So if something really bad shows up and your body is incapable of saying whatever the hell your wish is by the time that even pops up, then it just gets wasted, essentially. I have a thought for CERN. Okay, CERN.

I'm scared of doing this, Cern, because I do think you have a lot to live for, but I don't, I'm not in your shoes. And, you know, I don't want to see you throw your life away over something dangerous. But if you are going to do something dangerous, you need to get it right. So here's what I'm going to suggest. If you say you're going to draw all the cards and then you only draw one and refuse to draw any others, the rest of the cards will all explode and activate simultaneously, which means in theory, you could use your wishes to,

in the instant that everything happens to undo everything else and maybe get your kids probably to undo the fact that you uh drew them cards you cannot wish away the fact that you drew that many cards because the idea is that the deck is so powerful you can't use a wish that that powerful to try to overwrite the power of the thing that you're doing okay i'll be honest i don't this is hard we need like a character who's like a deck of many things lawyer but

The way, like, there's, like, an attorney who specifically, like, motorcycle accidents who only works with a deck of many things. There's a billboard. It's like, got a deck of many things. Were you screwed out of the number of draws that you were contractually obligated to? If he draws all the decks and then wishes that we never came to the Forgotten Realms, like, his kids would be alive. Yeah.

That's true. But listen, CERN, the only thing worse than what you're going through right now would be for you to be immobile, paralyzed, knowing that you would have drawn like Wish or something and you couldn't change it because you drew too many or whatever, man. Here's my thought.

Don't do it right now. Let's get our bearings a little bit. Let's maybe talk to a deck of many things lawyer and go about this a smart way, man. As Daryl says, if you're going to do something, you got to do it right. Henry said that. What Daryl was going to say is I just don't think we should do it. I hate to be the wet blanket, but...

what happened happened man there's no way to change it we don't know what happened because of that i mean maybe i'm being selfish but i feel like if we didn't do that pyramid we probably would have died and if we died then they would have called out they could have called the doodler and maybe the whole universe dies we don't know what the hell is happening like i don't think i don't think it's healthy sir doesn't look at you but he tenses up a little bit he's like i appreciate what you're saying but don't fucking what happened happened to me man not about this

Sorry, man, but I don't think we can give you the deck. I think it's too dangerous. I think we gotta... Yeah, sir, you know what Boreanaz was up to, right? Yeah, and I believed in it because he wanted to make a better world. But what if both ways it kills your kids? I mean, what if fucking horses had wings? They do in this universe. What if horses didn't have wings? What if horses didn't have wings? It'd be a shitty world to live in and horses would only have their erotic capabilities as something making them worthwhile. And they'd sell Budweiser. So...

What are you saying? You're saying I can't, you're saying you won't give me the deck. Cern, I don't like being an asshole, but I can't give you this deck, dude. It's your, it's... This is either the last conversation we're going to have or you're going to hand me the deck. You're clearly not going to use it. You have stuff to lose.

I don't. So you're just going to be walking around with this bomb in your pocket that anybody could take from you and use to do horrible things against you or whatever. Or you can give it to me and I can at least use it. And you can be assured that nobody's going to use those wishes to fuck you over or fuck your kids over any of that stuff. I just want to use it for myself. Can is the deck like can I destroy it? Typically, you can't destroy magic items like that without doing some like special go to Mountain Doom and drop the shit in the shit. OK.

Kind of stuff. Basically, I don't have my cleaver anymore. You could have cut the cards. You could have cut the deck. Get it? I want to hear one word. Yes or no. Can I have the deck? Dad huddle real quick. One second. No, we can't. Okay. What do you mean? Why not? Yes. Because fuck him.

Yeah, we can. Frankly, no. I'm not, no. He doesn't get this. If he wants to do something this rash and stupid and self-destructive, he can do it on his own. He can find another deck. He can find his own deck. I'm not going to be a part of it. Okay, but if there are a lot of other decks out there, then anybody could be doing this at any time, and we'd have no say over it. And, you know, not all of those things are bad. Ron, I can't stop him from killing himself. I'm not going to give him the loaded gun. Absolutely. Absolutely.

That's exactly where I'll like mathematically. He's talking about a really dumb way of doing it. If you draw all at once. All right, Nate Silver, we fucking get it. I'll go. What if we give him the deck but say he can only pick one? I walk away from the huddle to go to CERN. Yeah. Okay. I'm still in the huddle. Me and Ron are still in the huddle. CERN, I'm sure this is going to be us parting our ways, buddy, but I can't. We're not going to give you the deck. I can't give it to you. He just starts walking away.

You guys know that he's just going to probably compete in this game until he gets it. I don't. That's up to him, man. I can't be responsible for him. Like Daryl said, I'm not going to give him a loaded gun and let him play Russian roulette with it. Guys, I think it's just because Grant and the dog, but I'm feeling the waterworks come again because as you start to cry again, you can see CERN for the second time in your life, sort of walking into the distance around him. An indeterminate number of dudes in blue uniforms stop and they start hassling him. And then he just hooks a thumb back over his shoulder.

and they turn and they see you. Dang, sir, sir, narked on us. And they start fucking sprinting at you. And you recognize these as the blue coats from Neverwinter, the police force of Neverwinter. The lizard is a rat. You remember as they're sprinting at you that the last time you were in Neverwinter, you killed a lot of people in public.

dropped a pyramid on their town and then very quickly drove away before dealing with the consequences of what you had done. We run. We can't see because my eyes are water. My guys, we got cheese. The guys, the fuzz, I see the fuzz. Cops are the same. Every world.

So how are you going to, you're just going to just try to run in the opposite direction? Yeah, how far away are we from our van? So you took the four nights chariot, essentially, to get to where you were. You'd have to like get back there somehow. And that would probably be a bit of a... Hey, Dog and Bounty Hunter, do you got like a, do you just leave us here, man?

Like, where's, where's, where's, where's the shuttle that takes you back to that bully walk? We are running towards that shuttle right now. Give me a dex roll, everybody. Uh, that is 16 plus 3, 19. Daryl gets a 15. I got a 15. I got a 19. Wow. Okay, so there was a lot of attacks, but only two of you actually got hit. Ron, you're gonna take seven damage. Yikes.

And Daryl, you take seven damage. Crossbow bolts whistle through the air. Oh no. Just barely managed to miss Henry and Glenn. I'm trying to catch them like cool, like Matrix style. Like I'm trying to catch them in midair. Well, you already failed your dexterity throw. So you try to raise one to catch them and the bolt just hits you in the hand. Oh.

Just completely impales your fucking hand. Which hand? The eyeball hand? That was your non-dominant hand, so no. It would probably puncture your good hand. Damn. Your other hand, the eyeball opens up for a second and goes like, and it closes again. Did Daryl see that? The eye open? Yeah. Guys, there's an eyeball in my hand. We'll talk about it on the chariot. Yeet, Kill O'Demol, you coming with? Let's go. So Yeet and Kill O'Demol were too busy looking at their gold, and they look up and they see you guys getting chased by the cops. They go, oh, that's fucked up. And for a second, Yeet bigly sees Aaron O'Neill, and he goes...

"No! Fucking no! That's the one that killed my uncle! Fuck you!" And she turns back and she goes, "Fuck you, your uncle sucks!" And he goes, "Fuck you!" And then she just like keeps running. Um... Wait, what?! Oh no!

They're just like saying, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you back at each other as Aaron runs. There's some bad blood between those two. Back to the bird start attacking. Yeah, actually. Yeah, the birds are fucking pecking at you. And he's like, fuck all of you fucking birds. I hate this bullshit. It kickflips away. So you guys get into there goes one cool team. So you guys jump into one of these shuttles with some of the winged horses attached to it.

And the driver on the shuttle is like, so where are we headed? Where are we going? It's right near Bullywogs. We got an area right by Bullywogs. We'll point to it, right? We know where the trees are. So he's going to try to take off. Oh, man. They are going to shoot at him. Friday, give him an assist by playing some getaway banjo music, like from Dukes of Hazzard. I pulled the guitar of Indeterminate Origin, and I play some Chase music, like a la Dukes of Hazzard, which is one of the uses of bardic inspiration. Perfect. Okay, so they are going to shoot.

They continue to stand on the ground and shoot crossbow bolts at you, and they just ping, ping, ping off of the side of the chariot, and one hits one of the Pegasi in the butt. It's fine. It doesn't matter. And right as the Pegasus kicks into the air, the whole thing freeze frames, and then you hear someone say, Them dad boys was in a heap of trouble. Dad boys. I like it. Okay, so with essentially no problems, the shuttle takes you back to the area. Hey, I have a question while we're flying. Yeah, what's up? Hey, Aaron, really quick. I did see an eyeball in my hand.

what do you have an eyeball in your hand yeah i thought i saw it before but i was just really emotional lsd stashed still there so i wasn't sure but this second time i definitely saw it in the hand that the library gave back to me i saw an eyeball pop out of the ever so that weird daryl let me see your hand okay all right so i look at daryl's hand to do some palm reading which i learned from mercedes o garcia's grandmother pilar which is the name of my grandmother who could do palm

reading um that's great so uh why don't you roll arcana henry there should be a plus for that because of all your time communing with crystals etc i got a 13 we'll say that's enough for you to know that definitely like this is directly connected to the fact that the library did some shit to his hand this is the library's doing and actually his lifelines are like fucking jacked up and crazy looking like he's got a spiral in the middle of his hand like where his palm lines are supposed to be go whoa dude was your hand always like this

I don't know. People always say, I know you like the back. I don't know my hand. People know the back of their hands, but not the front. Yeah, that's a problem. Man, you know, I think this was the hand that you gave to the library, right? Yeah. Aaron, can you look at it? I put my hand out in front of her face. So Aaron goes like this.

Yeah, that's fucked up. You're a witch? There's an eyeball in my hand. Can you make the eyeball come out? I'm a garden and math witch. If you had a shrub coming out of your palm, I could do... I talked about that about 20 minutes ago. Like, literally like a witch? Yeah. Or like, you're just like, figuratively like you're a witch at math? I mean, some... Little column A, little column B. Yeah, why can't it be both, man? Little of the X-axis, little of the Y-axis. Hey...

What's the square root of 3.5? 1.87082869, dummy. Whoa, Anthony definitely came up with that immediately and didn't have to look that up. Right off the dome. So,

So Aaron says, I guess you did this while I was in the bathroom with the bully wugs where all of all the people that hang out with you go when you go to a bully wugs and they disappear for a while. I did not do anything in the bathroom. I bully wugs. No, no. I was in the bathroom. You saw the library. Oh, Daryl thinks that this is the punishment for jerking it. The nuns did say that you jerked it too much. But I mean. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Daryl, what did you do in the bathroom at the bully wugs? No, I didn't do anything in the bathroom. I wrote a sense motive on whether to go ahead and roll the sentence.

In sight to see if he really did. Gross. Gross. What's he rolling? Is he rolling to the side if I did? He's rolling to see if you were telling the truth about not jerking off in the balloons. I rolled a 22. Okay, so you know for certain I did not jerk off. I did not self-pleasure in the... But he didn't wash his hands. Yeah, you'll find out I didn't wash my hands. Men don't wash their hands. I read about that. That's insane. That's crazy. You guys are all...

I don't care. You wash your hands, probably. I don't care if you wash your hands. Men are awful. Okay, well, again, I mean, to be fair, they said blindness. I'm just saying, if I didn't touch anything in there, then I don't feel like I need to wash my hands. If I go hands-free... Oh, my God, you guys don't wash your hands? What's going on with you two? You wash your hands! No, we wash our hands. Your underwear, it takes butt stuff from your butt and it migrates towards your crotch when we touch your butt. That's not how it works.

underwear works. I do not have a penis. Is it possible to go hands free? With a bit of tool assist, yeah. But you still have to hit the flusher and you have to touch all this gross stuff. No, not if you don't flush. Not if you don't flush. Not if you don't flush. Okay, so yeah, if you're a fucking monster human being and the reason that society will never actually get us to space, then yeah, I guess you could not wash your hands. For clarity, I go hands free. Yeah, of course. And I still wash my friggin' hands. Okay.

Okay. Where the fuck were we? I don't know. Daryl was wondering if his masturbation over the past 40 years has caused an eyeball to grow in his hand. She goes, no, no, no. So you got this from me. I hear dad fact, Henry doesn't wash his hands.

Oh, yeah. I'm not saying what Will does or doesn't do in the bathroom. Henry for sure has never washed. Because soaps are bullshit. Because soaps have chemicals. Because soaps have chemicals. And he heard that having a little bacteria can help the gut biome. Henry's like, hey, if I was going from the bathroom to do neurosurgery, I'd wash my hands. All enemy attacks are going to target Henry Oak for the next two sessions. Fun fact two weeks from now is that Henry has the flu.

And he's got a strong immune system. So Aaron says... Because he doesn't wash his hands. So you saw the library and this happened. Does the library like know about the... No. The what? The library doesn't know. And we haven't talked. I haven't said, hey, library, I have an eyeball in my hand now. So no, he doesn't know about the books. He doesn't know about the books. What?

oh why would you say that so the eye on your hand opens blinks blinks blinks and then disappears i go no of course the library doesn't know that we still have all the books like just fine why would we constantly update the library letting them know that we have all our books she goes okay well i think i figured out what it was now because it's gone but i think that was his way of spying on you he's gone but all glenn said was about the books he didn't say what happened because nothing happened

Yeah, because we still have the books. Glenn's very proud. Hey, Daryl, I think I fixed your hand. High five. I go for a high five. No, don't leave me hanging, bro. No, you know, we're OK. No, we're going to die. Put her there. We're not going to die because we're going to figure out a way to not return the books. Oh, yeah.

The eye opens back up on its hand. It never, it just disappeared. In the moment that it opens up, I go for a high five. I don't give you the high five. High fives can be both given and taken. Dexterity move my hand away. Roll dexterity, roll pose dexterity to see if you get high five. This is more dice we've rolled against each other than in any other episode. 18, Matt, 15 plus three. 15.

So he managed to successfully high five your eyeball in your hand. The way the high five works is the difference between the two. So that's a three.

It's a three quality high five. Yes, that's true. If you're rolling together, then you add it together. You hypothetically get a 40 high five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But instead you got a three. But that's the predator high five is a 40. That's a double natural 20. When you're rolling opposed high fives, then you subtract them so that if you do beat them, you still can get like an 18 minus four. You still get a good 14 high five.

But if it's close like this, this is a three high five. This is easily a three high five. So there's no like goose high five. No, no, no, no. Not even close. And Glenn did not wash his hands before this. See, now I know Beth is my people because definitely the Top Gun high five is cooler than the Predator high five. I fucking said it. What? Oh, the Predator high five is just, oh, I'm buff. The fucking Top Gun high five is skilled. Yeah, and there's like friendship and love and context in that high five. Yeah, and the Predator high five is like everything about Toxic Masculinity in one single gesture. Yeah. That's why it's better.

Because toxic masculinity is fucking awesome. Cinnamon doesn't work without toxic masculinity. Sorry, everybody. Every good movie you like is about men being horrible. Also, I hate to break it to you. Toxic masculinity. Cool band name. And a cool call sign for a fighter pilot. Hey, Goose, it's me, your boy, Toxic Masculinity. Coming in hot. Coming in 12 o'clock high.

I'm like, damn, Top Gun is awesome. Okay. You high five the fucking open eye and you get some of its eye goop on you and it goes and then closes again. And he gets some of my penis goop in its eye. So he gets conjunctivitis. He gets pink eye. All right. So the fucking shuttle lands right outside your van. Okay. Can we please though say that because Glenn was rolling around in shit before this. That's true. So the eye is now pink. Yes. The library definitely has pink eye the next time we see him. Yes, for sure. Nice.

So is the library in here? In your hand? No, the library can be in there. You saw the library. Fuck you, library. I put my hand in my pants. You put your shit-stained hand down your pants? I put my hand where my butt is. I go, kiss my butt, asshole. We're coming for you. Okay, so you feel the eye opening and closing against your butt.

It gives you little butterfly kisses on your sacrum. This is too much. This is a line that cannot be uncrossed. This is a Rubicon that cannot be walked back. I think we just invented a new thing. But

Butterfly kisses on the table. I didn't put it there. I mean, you know, it was a start. I don't know where my hand kept going. All right. Well, what do you want to do? You're by your van. You can see the like horses of the cops that went to come get you. I go, I go run over to the horse. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. I scare the horses away. Like in the Western. That's great. And then I want to get in the van. We got to go guys. All right. All right. Everyone, everyone,

Everyone just stop. Henry's having a Henry tantrum right now. Everyone just cool down. This has all been... Glenn checks his watch. Everybody calm down. It's a Henry tantrum. This has all been... We've all been crazy and talking about goofy nonsense for what feels like a really long time, and I just want to...

Let's pause for one ding dang second and just talk to Aaron O'Neill for a second so we can figure out what the H we're going to do next. Okay. While he's talking, I've slowly stepped back and I opened the van doors and I'm like telling everybody to get in the van so we can talk while we're in the van. Okay. All right. We're going to talk while we're in the van. Yeah. Is that cool? Okay. Okay. All right.

Aaron. Yeah. So our kids are in this place called Ravenloft. Yeah. Ravenloft's a castle in Barovia. Okay. I would come with you and help because that guy sounds horrible, but that place is really bad for fucking trees. Like all the mist and shit you saw in Rockport. Imagine that times like 10. Okay. So I can't follow you there. Really bad place where this guy is. Yeah. Right.

Or the people, whoever's taking it. And you're saying we should talk to them to get our kids back. I'm not saying what you should do. I'm just saying I've never seen magic like the kind of magic they use to take that kid. It's magic that I can't do. It's magic that I don't even want to say, but it's pretty fucking rowdy. What do you mean you don't want to say it? If I'm wrong about what it is, it doesn't matter. Look, just...

just you guys often punch above your weight class and I just want to make sure that you know it could get real bad. So just get your kids and bounce. Can everybody roll Perception with Disadvantage for me? 16 with Disadvantage. With Disadvantage? 14 to 9, baby. I'm rolling 14.

fucking hot dice tonight. 13. It's not my fault that these rocks are fucking magma, baby. Okay, so the van feels a little bit heavier. It's a little bit lower to the ground when you step in. Like, you can feel it like it's almost touching the ground. Is something wrong with your van, Daryl? It seems like it's riding a little low. Feels perfect to me. I mean, I point to Daryl that it's lower to the ground than it used to be. It is lower. I had a lot of chicken wings at the Bully Walks when we were playing trivia. Is anybody in here?

Yeah, I'm here. Is anybody else in here? I'm going to make a search check. So it would be investigate. I got an eight. You open the trunk. You're looking at all the seats and stuff like that, and it doesn't seem like there's anything inside the car. Oh, there's no kids in here. I guess nobody will care if I let one rip then.

Yes, do it. Smoke him out. I said it really loud. That was my response. Nothing happens. Guys, I didn't have anything in me. I just, you know, usually Grant screams if he's like hiding or something. Do you have a toot ready to go? I don't have a toot, but the threat is usually enough. Okay, Henry calls on the powers of the dad force and rips the stinkiest toot he can to try to get to smoke out whoever's in this car. Okay, go ahead and roll for a toot. Give me a little toot roll, Henry. He's got that all plant-based toot going. Yeah, it's true. It's constant.

I'm never the one who gets the clutch natural 20, but I got a natural 20. No. No. So why don't you go ahead and describe what a natural 20 toot is like. All right. Okay. Are we in the car? I feel like I'm not in the car. Can you give me underneath, Freddie, you know that Mozart song? Like that. Like from George's Sushi. Yes, yes, yes. So when Henry does a mega fart, it's a symphony. It has movements.

First, a movement of silence, right? And then you just sense that something in the air around you has changed. A disturbance in the forest. Here's what's incredible about a beefy Henry all-vegetable, all-bean diet fart is then you hear something, and it sounds like a whisper of wind. That's the second movement. Oh, man. In the third movement, we really begin. We add fire to it. Oh!

And you feel it first in your body on your skin before it comes to your nose. No, no, no. And it's just a pungent, earthy scent that goes through your nostril into your brain itself. You think of every truck stop bathroom you've ever been into. It's like 20 Ratatouille moments all colliding into your head at the same time. Why? How dare you invoke that word? Yeah.

And then we reach the real fire, the crescendo, as a second layer of smell. It's like a sulfur fart followed by kind of a poop fart. You're like, did he shit himself? It doesn't make sense that it smells so much like poop. He's not looking like he pooped. Is it like that taste that lands on your tongue? That brings us to Act 5. Fuck off. The taste. Fuck off. The prestige. The prestige. The prestige.

Now every fart has three parts. They show you a normal fart, but it isn't really normal.

Remember when Will wanted us to not talk about dicks so much? Yeah. Because he wanted to keep this podcast classy? Okay, so as that fart happens, you see the van begin to rise up from out of the muck a little bit. What the fuck? You see an arm crawl out from under the undercarriage of the van and another arm. You see the arms dig themselves in the mud and start pushing up. And you see the smiling, large, nostril face of the library. And he goes, dude,

And he's wearing the van like a fucking hermit crab. Oh, my God! It was him. He farted. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right.

♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is a song called All Right by Maxton Waller. This week, thank you to Robert Moore for submitting a cool item we used in the campaign. One of the many perks of being a Patreon supporter. Another is that you get a shout out from your boy,

So shout out to James Eisengruber, Victor Tabling, Andrew J, Mike Uhl, and Chrysalis for supporting us on Patreon. And that Patreon is patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. And this week we got something special. This Halloween, October 31st, we're releasing part one of At the Mountains of Dadness.

a three-part spooky prequel miniseries that we're releasing bi-weekly starring the grandfathers of the four dads. This was the stretch goal that we hit. So thank you everyone for supporting us and helping us hit it. Hit it.

Matt plays Robert Wilson, a bookish line producer who dreams of becoming a stuntman. Will is Hilde Russet, the plucky undercover reporter dreaming about uncovering a big scoop. Beth plays Stud Stampler, a set construction worker who dreams of being on the silver screen. And I play a cocky, washed-up silent film star who dreams of his glory days by the name of Meryl Streep. This is free to all Patreon supporters at every level, so head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads if you want to hear this when it comes out.

And when you're over there, maybe you'll see something along those tiers that tickles your fancy. I don't know. Check it out. It's a cool website. Boy, we hyped up this episode on social media. Well, I hyped up this episode on social media, didn't I? Well, this gets a little bit gross. What can I say? Thank you to everyone listening. And oh, sorry, you didn't hear about the social media? Well, you're missing out. Miss in at Dungeons and Dads on Twitter. Bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads for a private Facebook group. R slash Dungeons and Daddies for that subreddit.

and bit.ly slash dadgut, all caps, for the group transcription project. Next episode coming at you in another two weeks. That's going to be November 12th. And this week we're going to do something a little different for the Easter egg. This time it's going to be Max Waller's new theme song for At the Mountains of Dadness. Sit back, enjoy. Happy Halloween, everybody. There was a time when you didn't know they never brought you

Tell them how it's gonna be. It's gonna be alright.

Dungeons and Dimes is brought to you this week by Blue Nile. Blue Nile. You saw me standing alone. Blue Nile. Dulcet tones over there. The road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories or can be short and thrilling or anything in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring, straightforward path. As the Nazgul flies. Doesn't...

All you got to do is head over to BlueNile.com. On BlueNile.com, you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile's the original online jeweler since 1999. Dog since Pets.com, dude. The Pets era. Since the Pets.com era. But they survived because they were committed to ensuring. You know why? Because Blue Nile wasn't out there posting up Super Bowl ads, burning through all their liquid capital. They're too busy ensuring that the highest ethical standards are met.

observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. And in most cases it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns so you can make sure your ring is the one ring. Here's how you know they're killers over at Blue Nile. They started in 1999, one of the greatest years in video game history of

of all time and they were able to focus and make a company while games like Heroes of Might and Magic 3, System Shock 2, Final Fantasy 8, Age of Empires Dose, dude. All these games were coming out and they were still made. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Beth...

It was coming out that year. Okay, now I'm interested. Because you want that love to last forever. Unlike video games, you get guaranteed service. Like my love of EverQuest and Driver. And Repair. Which came out in 1999. For life. The greatest year of my life. Right now, get 30% off select lab-grown diamonds at BlueNile.com. Plus, use code DUNGEONS to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code DUNGEONS at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Planescape Torment. That game rules.

Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, Summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay, so, like, you know in Dune they have the Box of Pain? Yeah. That's, like, the opposite.

of the Box of Awesome. Oh my God. I put my hand in and what do I get? You get pleasure. Whether you want to drink or eat more awesome, dress and travel more awesome, or explore more awesome, the Box of Awesome has it covered. Go to boxofawesome.com. Take that quiz. Your answers help them pick the right Box of Awesome for you. Free to join. New items every month. The only quiz you can't fail. Not!

What's your favorite peaceful post, dude? Hey, can I tell you about the one I just got, bro? I just got a whiskey nosing kit. It's like you could burn stuff and get your nose up to date with whiskey, dude. I didn't just get a fucking gift. I got an opportunity. That's what they gave me. That's what they fucking gave me. They gave me the reason, finally a fucking reason to buy two

fucking watches because I got, check this out, I got a little drawer that's got two little poles on it to hold watches and then an acrylic cover to protect those watches. The mahogany. And I got it. I was like, this is the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't have watches, but I need watches. Was it in black or mahogany, bro? It was, oh,

It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

It's incredible. I don't think I'll ever wear those watches, but I'm looking at them every day. When you become a member, you have access to stellar discounts across a plethora of products. We're talking about 30% off or more sometimes. Plus, with each Box of Awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand. Free to sign up, skip a month, or cancel any time. Get 15% off your first box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code DUNGEONS at checkout. That's BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS for 15% off your first box. BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS.

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details.