Ep. 23 - Scammer, No Scamming!
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Are you looking to up your jape game from juvenile jest to profitable pranks and fruitful flimflammery? Now you can by enrolling in Scam Likely's School for Scammers!

Whether you're a seasoned con man or a rank rube, you'll learn everything you need to know about shaking down sad sacks with my 10-week program. Just listen to some of my satisfied customers. My name is Ron F. Stampler. I'm a businessman with a huge business doing big numbers every quarter at AOL keyword Ron F.

dot business and scam likely impersonated my friend Glenn and stole approximately three million dollars worth of jewelry from us. We were going to use that money to hire an army of mercenaries to help us save our kids. But now we can't because we don't have

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Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, occasionally a BDSM podcast, more often than not, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world, Earth. Earth One. Earth One, who are flung into the Forgotten Realms on a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bar dad of the group. This week's Glenn fact...

is this. There's been a lot of money in everyone's mind, mind on our money, money on our minds, especially from the previous episode. I want to say that Glenn is canonically the most wealthy dad out of all the dads, but he doesn't know it because one time he and the Glenn Close trio did a Silicon Valley tech startup Christmas party and they paid him in Bitcoin and

But this was when Bitcoin was like 10 bucks a coin. And he did not understand what that was. And he was just like, what? It's a wallet? Whatever. He threw it away. So he threw away a lot of Bitcoin. And went Bitcoin was really cheap. And just bounced it around in like a flash drive in his car or something. Yeah, exactly. He has no idea. He was blazed out of his mind. He doesn't even remember taking the payment. He figures that they got check. I am shocked that Glenn, with all of his conspiracy theories and his UFOs and his mind control, is not hip to the glory that is the blockchain. Yeah.

It seems like a huge oversight. Crypto bro. Once again, I want to point out that Glenn always thinks beyond, one layer deeper than the usual plebs throwing around conspiracy theories. Whereas a lot of people are saying, this is our way of getting around the government. He sees it and he's like, who's Satoshi Nakamoto?

That sounds like a CIA plant that's been designed from the beginning to ferret out people who are a little bit more alternatively minded from the onset. I would like to offer an alternative. The wealthiest dad, I think, on this podcast is actually a friend of ours, Matt Arnold, and he is wealthy in family and friends. Love you, Matt. Shout out. Aw. I'm ready for this episode. That was very nice. Thank you, Beth. But Glenn has more money than me.

My name is Matt Arnold. I swallowed on my own name. And I play Daryl Wilson. This is like Talking 101, Matt. There's so many ways to phrase that sentence. And you chose the worst one. I can't spell Daryl's name.

My name is Matt Arnold. You got to spit those words. They're deep in your throat. Oh, man. I feel so bad for my daughter. It's a joke about Dracula. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't have a joke. Do you think your daughter will ever listen to this podcast?

Like, no joke. You know what I mean? Like, at some point, she's going to be like, Daddy, tell us about it. Yeah, as long as I'm alive, she'll listen to this podcast. When are you going to introduce... If this scorch lands after the world has been fucking destroyed by climate change, Matt's daughter will go, Dad, what did you do in the days before? What did you do to try to stop this cataclysmic disaster?

I've never felt very maternal, but now I'm going to have a kid to force them to listen to this podcast. Tell me who your favorite is. If you don't say Ron, my God. Can you imagine if we're doing this podcast long enough that... We become the toxic parents. My daughter's old enough to listen to it as it's still going on. If you let your daughter listen to this anytime when she's like 18...

What age would you let your daughter listen to this podcast? It's probably like 13, 14. It's explicit on iTunes. Yeah, so real quick, just again, it's explicit, which means 18 plus. Anyone who's listening that's under 18, do not tell the cops. It's illegal. Even a 13-year-old could figure that out.

But it is kind of like there's a drop off, right? Because there's young enough that they understand enough, but they don't get the dirty stuff. And then it goes like it plummets down and then it's like, okay, now you're ready. Yeah, it's kind of like cursing. Because like 20 year olds don't understand. No, no, no. I'm saying that like if you're three and you're listening, you know what words are, but you don't know what are. You don't understand the flashlight. Like when your baby's like four months old, you're like, fuck, shit, whatever. And then they start like repeating words like, well, I guess we can't cuss anymore.

Oh, you know what we should do? Because I love when This American Life goes like, this is an un-beeped version of the episode. If you'd like to have, if you'd like to listen to a beeped version of the episode we have in our podcast, thisamericanlife.org. And you're just like, oh, it's like for families listening with their kids. We should start it with like, this episode, every episode, just this episode of Dungeons and Dragons is an un-beeped version.

I feel like we could just steal a bunch of those from like Jad Appelrod doing at the beginning of Radiolab. Oh my gosh. There's some kind of hair you may want to skip this one if you've got the kids. Like, we could just steal that. Every one. Every single goddamn one. That's a good gag. It's every episode starts with a, ooh, you should skip this one if you have kids listening. Matt, I think you have a dad fact for us. Okay, yes. Hi, my name is Matt Arnold.

did it. And I played Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. Obviously, Daryl cooks the turkey on Thanksgiving, but he does this very annoying thing where he names the turkey and then he keeps saying it's like helping him in the kitchen and he just talks about the turkey all day. And then he always acts surprised when he never brings the turkey out. He makes Graham bring the turkey out and then he goes,

no, what have you done? And they go, ha ha, very funny. He's like, what did you do to Bob? Who did this to my friend Bob? And they never laugh. Anyways. Does he make that joke then where he's eating it and he's like, Bob would have loved this. Yep. And he always makes peach cobbler, but he goes, this was Bob's. He called it peach gobbler.

Oh my God. And that's the end of the podcast. Hey everyone. I'm Will Campos and I play, I, you know, I think I'm gonna start saying, Hey folks, it's Henry Oak. Like, cause it rhymes a little bit. You don't have to.

And my fact is I've been murdered by Beth. Henry Oak is a Birkenstock rockin', granola crunchin', super munchy, crunchy, hippie nature druid dad who doesn't wash his hands enough. And my fun fact about... I'm very excited for this fun fact. Oh, boy. My fun fact about Henry Oak this week. And think about this one for a second. Don't just give me your immediate reaction. I'm closing my eyes. This is like poetry. You got to let it wash over you. Henry's favorite book...

Is trees. Cause like, if you've ever seen exactly 20% of a room laughing, it's a thing to behold, especially while the remaining 80% is laughing less than I've ever seen a human being laugh before. Think about it. It's like, they've got so many layers. They're full of great characters. You could spend like, and you go to the forest and it's like, you're going to a big old library. It's all free stuff.

Henry's favorite book is trees. Can I ask canonically as our daddy master and bard rock star found a saying? Because I have to ask, well, would Henry be one of those people who likes to sunbathe their buttholes? Yeah.

Did Henry get some cool ideas when he saw that girl on Instagram? Henry was like, old news. What? What is this? All right. I'm fine. This is going to be like yesterday's news when this podcast finally comes out. This is hot off the presses right now. Okay. Hot off the perineum.

For the past few weeks, I've included sunning my bum in Yoni flower emoji into my daily rising routine sun emoji. That's so Australian. Many of you have been asking about the benefits of this practice, lightning bolt emoji. 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole is the equivalent of a full day of sunlight with your clothes on, lightning bolt emoji. This is an ancient Taoist practice. I changed my mind. This Instagram post is Henry's dad practice.

I want to immediately my weird Asian mysticism radar. It's an ancient Taoist tradition, Freddie. It pinged immediately. I'm like, no fucking... Listen, the Chinese have done crazy stuff over the course of the past. This feels a little bit like you made this shit up. We googled. We could not find it. Could not find any evidence. No, I'm just thinking it's like butthole tanning and she said it was for wellness. It's like something you can throw in as an extra jamba juice. Yeah.

I mean, you can't argue with the results because she had 700 followers when this whole thing started. And now she has 12.6 thousand. That settles it. I have a copy of the Tao Te Ching up. I'm just going to do a quick find. Just give me one second. I'm just going to control F. I have a copy of my butthole. Butthole.

Yeah, no, it's not in here, guys. Not in part one. It's in Henry's copy. And let me just, you guys all wonder why Henry's so perky in the morning. Guys, okay, so the other day I was listening to this podcast, and I'm obviously not going to name names at all, but I was like listening to it, and it was one of the first episodes that I was listening to. And I was like 10 minutes in, they still hadn't started the fucking podcast. And I was like, oh, this will never happen to us. We're way better than that.

But hey, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler. I forgot to do the Ron voice as I was going into the word Ron. Ron is an emotionally stunted stepfather and a rogue. Fun fact about Ron. Actually, we're recording this two days before American Thanksgiving, which is a problematic holiday where all of us enjoy Christmas.

Turkey and football. And a fun fact about Ron specifically in relation to Thanksgiving is that while Samantha will go through the task of like cooking the entire Thanksgiving meal and occasionally inviting whoever will come over, Ron requests that his actual dinner be like cold and sandwich form like the leftovers most people consume the next day.

Gross. Yeah. I like the cold sandwich leftovers more. No, I like it too. I do too. I don't like going like, no, cool that down. I'm not having that hot turkey. Maybe Samantha probably chucks a plate in the fridge. Yeah. Maybe. I mean, she seems very like empathetic. She seems very accommodating. Dude, that's stupid shit. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. My dad fact is, I think it was Emma in our Discord said something. I taught a new word that applies to Ron and Samantha. She said that both Ron and Samantha are apparently morosexuals. And I looked that up and that's apparently. Is that sad sexual?

Like morose? No, it's like M-O-R-O sexual. And apparently it's somebody who's sexually attracted to somebody who's dumber than them. Both Samantha and Ron are morose sexuals. Which is pretty fucking good. I actually just realized that so am I. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Got a couple exes listening. Okay. Are you ready to try and get your gems back?

So to summarize what happened last time, you went to the city of Neverwinter to use your ill-gotten gains, or I guess fairly gotten gains. They were well gotten. They were well gotten. To hire an army of mercenaries to help you charge into Barovia and get your kids back from the castle of what was formerly Strahd von Zarovich.

As you attempted to have your man in Havana, Glenn Close, sneak in and use his incredible wiles and great judgment to... Which way? Come on. It turned out pretty good for most of that. It actually did turn out fine. In like Glenn. Yeah. He went to the Bad Dogs mercenary agency. You met Benedict Cabbage Patch and basically tried to negotiate some terms, but he, at a particular moment...

something was off with you. The comms went dead. Somebody knocked on your van. Oh, cool, it's Glenn. Glenn took all the jewels because he said it wasn't a big deal. He just needed to pay off Cabbage Patch and then absconded with them. And then five seconds later, the real Glenn Close knocked on the van in a panic and said that things had gone bad. And then Henry dropped a mug that said Scam Likely on the bottom. Yeah, there's a fax slowly going through in Meadowshade. Scam Likely! Scam Likely!

Fucking stupid. Convince me. Tell me every last detail. You then got a call from Scam Likely saying thanks for the jewels. So he left you holding the, I'd say holding a bag, but holding the lack of bag. But you just seconds ago saw what you thought was Glenn running into the forest to the south of you.

I turn on the engine and I instantly drive towards... So you got in the car? Yeah, the moment that Glenn shows up and... Am I in the car or am I getting left in the dust? I don't know. What are you doing? I open the side door of the minivan and wave to Glenn to run in and jump in while we chase after Scam Likely. Thank you, Henry. Whoa, this guy looks exactly like Glenn. Wait, how do we know this is the real Glenn? Yeah, prove yourself. Glenn, what the hell happened, man? Say something only Glenn would say. Uh...

Uh, well, hmm. It's Glenn. It's Glenn, all right. Glenn, we just saw you. That flimflam man scammed likely made off with our dough. Wait, he looked like me? He looked exactly like you. So he looked pretty fucking hot, right? Very. I'm driving towards, do we still see, I mean, I guess I roll perception or investigate. Go ahead.

So the 14, you can tell. He just ran in a straight-ass line south into this copse of trees. Oh, cops. You could drive up to the trees, but they're so close together, you'll have to get out of the van to follow him. Okay, but we're probably like feet behind at this point. Oh, yeah, you're not very far behind him at all. All right, I mean, guys, we've got to get our money back. I drive and I...

power slide right as close to the tree as I can and I jump out and I start sprinting towards wherever he was okay thinking quickly and seeing this happen in movies Glenn takes a spare strip of cloth and ties it around his wrist and points it out back this one I'm the real one just so oh just in case we ever get into this one's not the real one it's this one the one with the red little thing on his wrist all right okay cool

Oh, no, he grabs a Livestrong bracelet that's somehow just like loose in the van. It's just been sitting in the back of Daryl's van for like 10 years. Yeah, exactly. Are you guys joining? Are we all running? Yeah, we're jogging after. It's like that shot in Avengers Age of Ultron where they all leap. Yes. You know what I mean? And they do like that like in the beginning. Yeah, you're like, this is going to be a good movie. As you start moving through the trees, you come to a clearing and you see that in the center of it, there is a very large tree.

Bouncy house, essentially. It's a large castle that on the outside says, Scam Likely's Riddle House. Oh, son of a bitch. It's probably not even the house, you know? Wait, Ron, he called you, didn't he? I called him.

We'll give him a call. Let's get him on the board. But then he called afterwards. Wait, wait, wait. So it's a big bouncy castle. Yeah. And he disappeared. Oh, nice. I mean, you can't see him. The tracks lead to the front of the bouncy castle, yeah. Guys, I think he might be in his bouncy castle. Can we just poke it? Gerald runs up and takes an axe and cuts into the bouncy castle and goes, get the hell out of here, asshole. Give us our money back. As you attack the bouncy... Actually, go ahead and roll an attack against the bouncy castle.

Are you using your Payton axe? Oh yeah, I'm using my Payton axe. Okay, so you get a minus one to hit. Oh shit, is Payton still in the car? Where's Payton? Oh yeah, hey guys, what's going on? Oh, actually, this reminds me. There was that thing I wanted to give you that I couldn't find it. I still can't find it, but I have a different thing that I did find that I did forget to give you.

and now I'm going to give it to you. Are you ready? Who wants it? I thought the gift was you, and you were surprising us. I have a real thing. I just need to find it. It's like small, and it's in my pockets, and it got lost, but I promise I will find it. This will pay off. Keep looking for it, kiddo. But no, I actually have something to give you right now. Like mid-swing?

If it were, like, a lot of gems, that would be great. Do I, like, wind back, and then I stop, like, on my backswing, and I just put my hand out and go, all right, kiddo, what is it? Well, actually, I mean, you can do that first. That's fine. I don't want to interrupt you. What is it? What is it? What is it?

I got like slightly kidnapped for a very short period of time. What? It's not a big deal. It's fine. It's all good. But I got rescued and the folks who rescued me, we worked together and made this item for you. So this is called the Blade of Pocket Sand and it was made by the On Call Daddies. That was the name of the group that rescued me.

And it's a plus one longsword. And unsheathing it causes a spray of sand to come out that instantly repletes itself in the sheath. And if the sand hits somebody in the eyes, it blinds them for a round. But you have to yell, Daddy, Daddy, huh? In order to draw it. That's so good. And it repletes itself forever. So you basically have infinite sand, but you have to keep drawing the sword every time if you want the sand to come out. So that was, in real life, our Patreon supporters. The top tier thing was like, I did a little one-off session for them.

And they survived, and so the reward for surviving, they got to design this item for Peyton to give to you. So yeah, the On Call Daddies was the name of that game. Well, thank you to the On Call Daddies for rescuing Peyton and gifting us this magnificent blade. Peyton, you're telling me there's other dads that are roaming this land? Yes, there's other dads out there.

Glenn stares off into the middle distance. Well, Payton, that's pretty exciting. I'm glad you're okay. Somebody want to look at that sword really quick while I... I'll hold on to it for now. It is 100% factual that Henry Oak has taken like Kendo, like

samurai sword drawing classes in like some NorCal like retreat. No, Henry trained to be a knight in the medieval times. Yeah. So this is, he's summoning on his, he practicing in his backyard with a broadsword. Interesting. He's, he, while you all were, while you all were out being dads, he was studying the blade. Yeah.

So I got a 16 then. Oh, wow. On a D20. Wow, that's great. Good job, Matt. You rolled a dice and the random number came up pretty high. And then the damage is 7 plus 3, so 10. Okay, so you hit it with a really good strike, and it comes in at just the right angle that it implants itself in what you thought was rubber or linen or something of the castle, but it just sort of sticks there. And even though it seems to have the appearance of something that's buoyant and full of helium, it seems to be actually made of harder stuff than that. Anthony?

Bouncy houses don't have helium in them. Oh yeah, they would go up too high. You know what? What if they did though? That'd be so much fun. That'd be good.

I feel like Daryl, like you guys don't know that. So he goes, these things really aren't that tough. Let me give it another swing and I go for it again. Okay. Double attack, Daryl. 12 on the dice on the D20. With the 12, your axe bounces off. Almost like you just tried to hit a stone wall with your metal axe. It flies from your hands and you kill Peyton. Oh my God.

I've got an idea. What if we call scam likely his phone and then maybe he has the ringer on and then we can just hear where that, that slide devil is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it, Ron. Great idea. Great. I'm going to go check the back. I'm gonna make sure he's not escaping the back. And I grabbed the ax. My pain come with me. And I run around to the other side. Around the other side. You can see there is no back door. There's only the front door. There's no back door here, guys. I run all the way back. Wait, Daryl, are you sure? Uh,

you run all the way back to the back door. You know what? This time there is a back door. Is there a back door now? For real? We all run to the back door and it's gone again. It's gone again. What a delight. If you call everybody back to go see it, then when you come back, it's not fair anymore. What a house of illusions. Truly a puzzle that is so difficult to solve. Daryl's panting and he just sits down on the grass now with his axe. He goes, oh. He comes over and starts fanning. He's like, you're good, man. You're doing it. Daryl expended all of his cardio dice.

I had to roll above a five, right? Yeah. Okay, cool. I got a seven. Oh, wow. Okay, that was close. I'm calling Scam Likely. Put him on speaker. I'm going to put him on speaker, and I hope that he has a Hello Moto ringtone. Because then we can find him easier. We can just go like, Hello Moto. Okay, so. Hello Moto. Hello Moto.

So you hear from inside the bouncy house. It doesn't make any sense because it seems to be further away than could be physically possible, considering you're standing right next to the bouncy house entrance. But you hear... But it's clearly coming from inside the bouncy house. Guys, the ringtone is coming from inside the house. You hear a click.

Hello? Hello? Hi, is this Mr. Likely? This is he, Scam Likely. Why don't you come in and we'll see?

Yeah, I would love that. If you're smart enough to solve my riddle three. Okay, here's the thing. I'm a monosexual, which means that I'm not into riddles. I'm into people who are not good at riddles. I didn't invite you here to get off. I invited you here to test your wits. Okay, and then... That's how I'm off. Okay. You're on speaker, so give us... Hey, boss!

Give us our money back. Why don't you do it when we're out here? No, do them out here. I'm pretty tired. I mean, I'm the one holding all of the gems. I'm the one with all the leverage. Well, if you bring them out here, then you won't be. And you're the ones who killed my cousin. Are you really mad about that? Yes. Oh. I'm not. Your cousin was an asshole. He tried to kill us. We killed his ass. Yeah, come out here and teach us a lesson. No.

You know, we have a riddle for you. Yeah. Sure do. Let's hear the dumb riddle from the dum-dum. Let's go. No, well, you're going to have to come outside to hear it. I mean. Boy, oh boy. It's a really good riddle. You're going to want to hear this one because I don't think you're smart enough to solve it. You've done this exact gamut at least once before. I don't remember if it went well or not, but go ahead and roll persuasion with disadvantage.

I was like, oh no, I got a 10. And then I got a five. You can't scam a scammer. Fine, we'll come in, but I'm pretty hungry. Do you have any food in there? Food? I mainly satiate myself on delight from watching people get stumped by my incredible scam. You don't need to eat?

No, I satiate myself on your misery. Well, that works too, guys. I mean, if we just stay out here, he has no food in there. He'll die. Oh, we can siege this bouncy castle. If he satiates himself a riddle, he'll starve to death. I didn't know you cared so little about your children that you thought you had weeks upon weeks to waste. Oh, well, this guy's there. Got you there. Yeah, you did. You know your cousin killed kids. Oh, dude.

Yeah, a lot. That sounds like a scam. And as I've said, you can't scam a scammer. Do you want to come in and do this thing or not? I've got one and a half good riddles. All right, guys. One and a half kind of okay ones. Glenn, I couldn't help but notice you wrapped a thing around your arm. Yeah, that's just in case, like, because you said that he...

But let's all do the... He's still on the... Hang up the phone. All right, scam, fuck you. And I hang up Rod's phone. I think that's a good idea. We should all do something because who knows what's going to happen there and he can change forms. We all need like a code phrase. So do you know what I mean? If you look at Will and you see a picture of a dog, that means you've come to the right login for your bank information. We all whisper really close so he can't hear us. We all whisper a word, like a safe word, essentially. What if it's this? What if...

One of us asks, what's the best movie of all time? And then we say Rudy. No, we should all have our own one. What's everyone's favorite movie? Yikes. Meanwhile, in Ravenloft's Larkin Sparrow looking, she's like, what do you think dad's doing right now? So,

So everybody get really close. He's coming, I swear. So everybody get really close to me. Whisper. It's over here. This is important. Okay. All right. So just, we need one piece of knowledge that he doesn't have that we can use in case he tries to destroy. So my favorite movie is the sunrise. So it's also my favorite TV show. It's my favorite TV show. That also is a movie. Okay. So if somebody pretends to be Henry, we ask him that. Okay. My favorite movie is American in Paris. Oh, I love that movie. Okay. Um, okay. Um,

Ron's like, okay, don't say what they said. Don't say what they said. My favorite movie is Before Sunrise. It's better. It's better than what Henry, it's even better than the thing that Henry said. Fair enough. My favorite movie is that one part of 2001, A Space Odyssey.

Which part? The part that's just 20 minutes of visuals. That part's awesome, man. That's all of the parts. It's very visual. Oh my God, it's all Starz part because you were just blitzed out of your mind. Oh, the stoner part. Okay. All right. All right. And so Peyton's like, I don't know what movies are, but I'm psyched to be whispering. I'm psyched to be part of the huddle again, guys. Peyton, what's the name of your favorite UFC fighter? Oh, I think that would have to be, and he looks you dead in the eye and he goes, Peyton. Peyton.

That's great pain. And that's why you're such a strong fighter. You know what you're going to do? You're going to take your axe pained in, right? Yeah. And you're going to guard the car and you're going to make sure nobody comes in there. Oh, come on, man. Don't keep doing this to me. Don't keep benching me, coach. Like, I'm safer with you guys than alone out in this forest. That's probably fair. That's probably fair. It seems like this is a riddle based encounter.

counter. Yeah. And it seems like Peyton being from this world might know a thing or two about this world that we don't know that maybe is like part of the riddle. Fair enough. That's true. Also, I can't remember what my favorite movie I said was. I was wondering if I could just do like random, like if I said maracas, then you know that it's me. Yeah, I think we'll probably be able to tell if it's you. Okay.

All right, Penn, you make a good point. And hey, thanks for the sword, buddy. Hey, no problem, man. All right, just stay safe in there. And all of us stay safe in there. Let's do a little doodler huddle. Okay. Hands in the middle. Hands in the middle. All right. Go doodlers. Go riddlers. Ooh, three, two, one. Go riddlers. We enter. Just checking the copyright on that.

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Okay, so the second you walk into the bouncy house, you see that it is non-Euclidean space. You enter and it is far bigger on the inside than it appeared to be from the outside. I want a Doctor Who where it's just like, oh, it's way smaller on the, it's just shitty and small on the inside. Oh, it's somehow smaller on the inside than it is on the outside? Like, it looks like a mansion you go in and it's like a one-bedroom apartment. You're like, where did it go? So literally, like, my house.

It's a big, long, dark hallway. At the end of it, you see the Glenn that came to your van, and he's standing over... Just hot, just rippling biceps. Sexual energy radiating. First, you feel the sexual energy radiating from the hallway. Then you see him standing next to what appears to be just a big hole in the center of the hallway. Oh, there was no chance we were going to mix these two up, because that one's really hard.

And he's holding in his outstretched hand the bag of jewels. And he goes, okay, here's how this is going to work. I have 11 jewels in this bag. I'm going to ask you three riddles and then we're going to play a little bit of truth or dare.

Every time you don't answer correctly, or if you give me an answer I don't like, and I'll be very generous, don't worry, I'm going to throw a D6 number of these jewels into this well, which will disappear forever. Where does that well go? It goes to nowhere. How? Is it just really deep? Yeah, I mean, yeah. And the walls are like super slick. So like a really long rope to get it though.

Like an infinitely long rope, yeah. Nobody knows where the bottom is. There's always a bottom somewhere. All this offside, he's having done deep enough. There, Wilson, there's always a bottom. You just need to shine some sun on it. And you've noticed I'm very far away, so if I also see you try to come at me with some shit, some physical stuff, I'm just going to drop the whole bag in. So are you ready for the first riddle? What's the ground like?

The ground is a nice carpet leading all the way up to him. It's like in fucking Peach's Castle from Mario 64. There's a big runner in the middle that's all nice and carpeted on the sides. You see there's basically just stone, cold stone. Is there like a wavy painting at the end of it? Yeah, there's a wavy painting of Planet, like pointing at you with both finger guns. It should be him and his cousin.

Oh yeah, it's Glenn and the library holding each other. Wait, Glenn? It still looks like Glenn? Yeah, he sees your confusion and turns around and goes, Oh yeah, all images of me look like whatever I want them to look like, past and present. If we're going to do your riddles, can we at least look at you face to face? Oh no, you're not going to see my true face. That's for special boys. Not like in a creepy way, like for people I really care about. I said it and then I realized how it sounded.

All right. Let's do this riddle. Sorry. Quick dad huddle. One moment scam likely. I just want to throw it out there. I know that that was like pretty aggro about like the value of money in the past, but you know,

Do we really need him? I mean, like, our kids are out there, and we do have some jewels, and, you know, I'm just leaving it out there. I understand, but I feel like there's been, like, some tension about, like, what are we doing and stuff, saving our kids, but, like, you know, we're not getting this money to go to, like, Las Vegas. Like, we're getting this money. Do we really need the money? Yeah. I'm going to roll a sense motive on Freddy. Go ahead. Ah.

I got a natural one. No way of knowing. Glenn's a closed book. Unless you think the four of us can march into a 30-story castle, I think the idea of hiring an army was pretty darn good. All right, so I just want to say then, let's all, as a group, shout out the answers and not just shout them out when it comes to us. You know, I'm in a trivia bar team back home. Oh, what's the name of your trivia team? We're the Fabulous Leaf Boys because I like leaves and...

You know, we're pretty fabulous at the game. Who's in your boys? Is it Larkin Sparrow? It's me, Larkin Sparrow. We're the fabulous Leaf boys. And Mercedes, Erica, and she takes it like way too seriously. She carries the team. She's the fabulous part. She's the fabulous part. You have your kids in a bar?

It's like a... A juice bar. It's a juice bar. Thank you, Matt, for carrying me through that bit. Fucking Sam to my Frodo over here getting me over that hump. Okay, yeah, so we agree that whenever we...

have an answer, we just sort of huddle like this. I was going to say we all raise our hand. Okay. And that way we know if someone's got the answer. So raise your hand and then we'll, you know, know. Just don't blurt anything out. Before we get into this, I do have a spell called Pass Without Trace in which a veil of shadows and silence radiates from you, masking you and your companions from detection for the duration each creature you choose within a 30-foot radius of you, including you, as a plus 10 bonus to dexterity stealth check.

and can't be tracked except by magical means. So I'm just saying like maybe there is a way to sneak up on ScamLightly. I just want to say that ScamLightly looks like me so I'm pretty sure he has magical means. But we also have that thing, the jewel. Can Scam hear us right now? Here, let me test. No, he can't hear you. I'm still going to test. Scam's a big stupid fucking butthead.

All right, guys. So here's... What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Hey, so yeah, you have some spells. I was also thinking, can you like make vines grow? Oh, I can. Couldn't you just like make like a big basket like half, like down the hole? I was also thinking I could release three bats from the head of vermin and they could just hang sort of from the hole and then catch the little things in their wings and...

Okay, so we could really quick. You cannot believe how annoyed Anthony looks right now. They just won't answer a fucking riddle. The real riddle is how do we get out of this without answering a riddle? It's so simple. All you had to do was answer through. I thought, surely, surely. They fuck me so bad with all the money and stuff. At least they'll let me have this. Can I have this, daddy? My son, can I have this, your loving father? Oh.

All right, guys, maybe we should. I mean, you could do whatever you want, but I will say that like he did say if there's any funny business, he's just going to drop the whole fucking thing in the well. OK, OK. He's looking at you and all of a sudden you all disappear. He's not going to think that like, oh, maybe they left. Like he's going to, you know, he's going to be unless we said. And hold on, scam. If we get it right. Are you going to give us our money back? Yes, I will.

Hold on. Let me see your hands. Fingers, no fingers crossed or nothing. I'll show you my hands. No fingy crossy, no leg cross. I'll take off my shoes. My toes aren't crossed either. Inside or whatever. Oh my God, a natural one on that. Okay, I don't even know. There's no way of knowing. Are you influencing our dice rolls, Anthony? No. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe that's one of my scams. I went in and waited all of your dice today. I think our best bet here is we go along with the riddle plan. If things start to go pear-shaped, I can cast Entangle, which should allow me to cast... How far down the hill is he? This hallway is about 60 feet long. Okay, great, because the range on Entangle is 90 feet, so I can definitely sprout a bunch of vines over the bottomless pit.

And then that should be able to stop the vines from going. I mean, but yeah, then you'll have to run 60 feet to get to them and have a whole turn of trying to hack away the vines and just drop the shit down the well. I'm also really good at catching things. So keep that in mind. The riddles are not that hard. They're not that hard. Let's do the riddles. Hit us with these riddles, Anthony. All right, scam. So there are three riddles, each increasing in difficulty. The first one, I have a feeling you're going to get this one's a gimme.

I have a spine, but no bones. I have a jacket, but no coat. I have much to tell you, but no... Everybody's raising their hands already. Daryl's not. It's a book, guys. Do we think it's a book? It's a book. Can you finish the riddle? Just wait. Don't... Because it could go like... And then at the end, he's like, and I have six butts and five shoots out of my mouth. It's not one of those. I have standards. It's a spine, but no bones. Jacket, but no coat. I have much to tell you, but no mouth. What am I? I think I heard you say it. Wait, wait, wait. We got to all talk first before we say the answer. What do you guys say? A book with six butts? Ah!

The only kind of books I read. Yeah, we think it's a book. Go ahead, Ron. It's like a book. Are you sure it's not a fish? It's not a fish. No, no, it's a book. It's a book? All right. It's a thought. All right. Okay. What was that? I said it's a book. All right. Yeah, no, that's it. Well done. Well done. Okay. All right. Next one's a little bit hard. We get to move up 20 feet closer to you now, right? Yeah, like I'm the emperor and this is a hero.

The movie I've seen. It's my favorite movie. In case anybody ever tries to see who the real Scarecrow is, my favorite movie is Heroes. He's on to us. Songy Moe's Heroes? Yeah. All right. Riddle number two. I help a needle do its job. When a hurricane rages, I do not. And I'm about to tell you the answer. What am I? A tornado.

It's an eye? I don't get it. It's an eye. Yeah, it's an eye. Eye of a needle, eye of a hurricane. Eye of a tornado, that's what I was saying. Yeah. No, it's an eye. Yeah, yeah. Daryl, do you know how riddles work? No, you guys say it. Daryl just kept saying tornado and then you said eye. Yeah, that's what I said. Eye of the tornado, that's what I meant. Yeah, I'm with you guys. You guys say it. I'm going to say it. Go ahead. It's an eye. Well,

Not the letter. Oh, I wasn't going to get you like that. That's not how riddles work. No, you got it. Wait, guys, it wasn't the letter? Side huddle. Daryl. Side huddle. Daryl, have you ever solved riddles before? Yeah, I just did two with you guys. Daryl, I'm going to ask you a question right now. Okay. There's one right answer. Yeah. Just to test your general riddle knowledge. Yeah.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening? It's not a chair, right? No. What's your next riddle, Scam? All right, here's the last one. Wait, I don't get the other riddle. It's man. Like a baby crawls around in the morning of life, you know, as a baby. No, I don't get that at all. All right, I'm ready, Scam.

You guys all right? But you just said morning. That doesn't make any sense. Focus up. I'm the boy here, not you. I'm Riddle Daddy. All right, so here's the final one of the riddles, and then we go on to Truth or Dare. What? I told you from the beginning several times. That's what we're doing. All right. You can walk when you have four of me. Any less, don't even try. When you have lots of fun, you're having a me. Now tell me, what am I?

Oh, is it a ball? Oh, wow. Wow, Beth. What the fuck, Beth? Ron is a genius. Jesus Christ, Ron. Ron would like to give it up to his friend, Beth May, for giving him the knowledge. Yeah, Ron calls Beth and Beth answers immediately. Holy shit, Beth. It's a ball. Wait, what sort of ball?

Like the term a ball, like four balls is a strike. And then four balls is a strike. Four balls is a sports knowledge on display. You talk to me about sun and buttholes. I'm your guy.

You haven't even heard that one before because I made that up. That's a Scam Likely original. Wow. That's not even a, oh, you just know a lot of riddles. Damn, all right. I'm going to answer. Balls. Yeah. No, you go hard, Ron. Damn, Jesus. Holy shit. So do we get three gems now, Mr. Likely? No, I just don't throw a D6 worth of gems into the thing. Once we get done with all the truth of dare, whatever gems I have remaining, I just give to you. That's how this works. Okay.

Okay, so now we have specialized truth or dare for all of you. Truth or dare is a sexy game. It is, it is. And I feel personally this is very sexy. We are married, most of us. All of us, all of us are married. Yeah. And that's sexy. Monogamy is really sexy. Scam likely disagrees. Glenn, are you married?

We never talk about you. Glenn's like, yeah, I'm married. What are you guys talking about? Well, maybe that Glenn is married, but not the other Glenn. Who's the real marriage? Wait a second. Have you guys ever heard Glenn talk about marriage before? Never.

I roll another sense motive. Oh my God. Everyone is so distrustful of me because we did that little bedroom. Wait, what if Glenn is married to Glenn to scam? I don't know. I got a five. I did not get a good sense motive. What were the other rules you all had? 15. With a 15, Glenn, you have to tell Daryl the truth with that 15 insight check. Yeah, it's that Glenn is married. This is now the first time actually in the podcast that we're talking about this. He's never remarried, but because the wife is dead...

He's also never divorced either. So in his head, he's like, no, I'm still... Oh, shit. I thought it was you were scam likely. I thought it was like a double rope-a-dope. I wasn't trying to out you. Is the dead wife is scam likely?

Yeah, he'd have to be. Yeah, man. I mean, I've kept the ring on. It's been years, but you know, it's like she's still here, dude. Frick, dude, I'm sorry. That must be really tough. Sorry, buddy. No, it's all right, man. I could go on tour and you know what? The babes love it when you're a married man. Yeah. I give Glenn a big hug. Ow.

Payton, give Glenn a hug. Glenn, with your consent, I would also like to join this hug. Okay. It's alright, buddy. Thank you for sharing that with us. That took a lot, man. I hug him too.

Glenn from the hug pals like, so what was the truth or dare? Okay, so are you just, wow, you guys. I know this is what friendship looks like. No, it's great. I'm pretty impressed. It's great. Okay, so the way this is going to work is. Guys, remember, dare is the sexier choice. Yes. Okay.

So I have a truth and a dare option for each of you. If you don't want to do either, then I throw a D6 down the well. You have to choose one to do, and you have to do it like, there's no middling around this. There's no, you know. Do we know what it's going to be, or do we have to say truth or dare and we call it? Have you ever played truth or dare? Yeah, you got to just say truth or dare. What a burn. Show up, Matt. I've seen it in movies.

Alright, who would like to go first? Guys, I'll go first.

I'll give this a shot. You know, this isn't really my game. I get very nervous both when I'm trying not to tell the truth. I tell the truth all the time about everything. This can't be that hard. Hello, scam likely. I would like truth, please. Okay. This question I'm going to ask you has an answer. If I ever ask you a question for one of these truths, you can't say that question is invalid. You can't weasel your way out of it. There is an answer. If I do not like the answer, I'm throwing away D6 of gems. Henry? Yes.

Which son is your favorite? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Guys, run. There is a right answer, right? You said there is a right answer. I'm saying you can't be like, I love them both equally.

But what if I do love both my sons equally? That's not true. That's not true. Oh, because you know that that's not true. I know that that's not true. I look at Henry and I'm like, say what you got to say. And I plug my ears and start humming the Limp Bizkit remix of the Mission Impossible theme so that I can't hear what he's going to say and that I can't be press ganged by his kids to tell them what he said in this situation. I look at Henry and I say...

you just say whatever the hell you need to say. Who cares if he throws those gems down the well? I look at Henry and I say, Sparrow, please. I'm going to take the D6. All right. All right.

gems go down the well. That's spicy. So six gems remain. Henry has to go sit down. That was a lot. There is an answer, but it goes to Henry's grave because he doesn't even want to admit to himself that there's an answer. I just want to point out that's $1.4 million down the drain. Dude, 1.4 million. Those gems made such an expensive noise going down the well. Who would like to be

This is why the youth ministers, you got in so much trouble in church camp. If you fucking played this game, this is why this is horrible. This in the Ouija board. Am I right? I just do dare. Well, I'm not going next. Oh,

I'll go next. All right, Glenn. Dare me, Daddy Master. Okay. Why did you call... Glenn, why did you call... I don't know. It just kind of came to me in that moment, man. That's a fun little turn of phrase. I might use that one. I don't like that you called him that. Okay, Glenn. In front of you, the ground opens up and a little podium rises from the ground with a big old red button on it. The button says LP on it. And Scam Likely says, So, the Glenn Close Trio is known for their Christmas music and you've got a lot of fame that way.

If you press this button, I won't throw away a D6 worth of gems, but the fabric of time and space will be rewritten so that the Glenn Close Trio is a Linkin Park cover band. Oh!

Holy shit! Do it! Holy shit! If you press this button, you will cease to be a guitarist. You will be the lead DJ of the Linkin Park cover band. Were you to pick up a guitar after pressing that button, you would find that you don't know how to play guitar anymore. You would have to relearn it from scratch, but you would be very, very good at spinning discs. But DJs just... Which era of Linkin Park...

You won't know unless you press the button. Just really quick, this is amazing. Anthony emailed me months ago, and he asked just like out of the blue, he's like, Freddie, what would like Glenn Close's least favorite band be? I was like, oh, Lincoln Park. In my head, I'm thinking about it really quick, and I'm like doing the math. I was like, okay, how many jewels are left? How many jewels are left? There are six jewels left. With one very bad roll, you could lose every jewel you have just based on this. Glenn is staring at his hands. He's like, but this is...

This is all I got, guys. It's not worth it, Glenn. It's everything, man. I clench my hands into fists. It's your kids. And I say, throw the jewels away. I'll never give up being a rock star, baby. Guitars for life. Hendrix, baby. Clapton, baby. Okay. Four jewels. Oh! Disappear down. God almighty. The well.

Woo! I would have thought that your own sense of pride was going to overpower you to make some pretty bad decisions, but I didn't think it'd be that bad. I think if your kid dies in Barobi, he'll definitely forgive you for retaining your guitar skills. That'll be a really good decision you made. So who wants to go next? We have two gems, one for each of you. I'll go. Okay, truth or dare? I'll tell you the truth.

Okay, go ahead, do a thing. What thing? You're going to say a badass thing. No. Oh, I thought you were like, I'll tell you the truth, I'm going to kick your ass. I thought you were having fun. Nope. Okay, why is it that your son doesn't think you're as great of a dad as you think your dad is? Why aren't you as good as your dad? Man, this is an easy one. Do you need the answer? I can tell you. The truth is, I don't know. I ask myself that every day.

That's not good enough. There is an answer. If you don't give me one, I'm going to roll the baboons. Quick, Henry, whisper it in his ear. He's got to do this one on his own, I think. What's your best guess for why not? If you've thought about it, you must have some possibilities in mind. It's because I try to be my dad. After I lost my dad, I try to be just like him rather than the dad that Grant needs.

That's a very good answer. The gems are not going in the well. Well done. Well done, Daryl. All right. Dang, Daryl. Dang, Daryl. That's not what I was going to say. I was going to say that you're too straight. I know that's not what you were going to say. I added like a paragraph. All right, Ron, truth or dare? Okay. Um...

Guys, what do you think I should go for? Ron, with you, it's really anyone's guess. As they say, a 1D2. Dare is the sexier option, and I am going to dare it. Never wear pants ever again. What?

Triple dog dare you. When you say pants, do you mean anything that comes- Pants! Like underwear? Is that under pants or underwear? No, underwear's okay, but no pants ever. What about shorts? No shorts. Capris? Nope.

Only underwear from the waist down. Underwear, socks, and shoes. Could you take a shirt and, like, sew it up so then the sleeves are, like... If you did, it would melt on your very pelvis. Yikes. Um... Boxers or boxer briefs? That's up to you, my friend. Oh, what a lovely choice. Um...

Oh, God, this is this is tough. It is wild how you've managed to really dad huddle. I mean, couldn't you just say yes and we can get the gems and then what was he going to do once he wore pants? They said the pants will melt off of him whenever he tries to wear them.

He's giving up pants for the rest of his life. Wait, really quick. Scam's a scammer. There's no way he has that magic that can make. Wait a second. What if he didn't even have the magic to fucking to make Glenn forget? Like, we don't know that scam likely. That's a pretty insane magic. Shit. Did he double scam us? Yeah, I don't think he can make you pants would melt off you. Do you think? Do you think it's really a bottomless? He seems pretty powerful, though. Like, this is like a big room. He's made phone calls. Yeah.

You're right, Daryl. That was definitely the thing that stuck out to me the most about our current situation. He's made phone calls and he turned into Glenn. I still don't think that means he can make pants melt off. I mean, okay. Okay, guys, I have an important question to ask all of you. You got nice legs. It's okay if you don't wear pants. Okay. I mean, do you wear boxers or briefs?

I love boxers, man. Boxers over here, okay. Boxer briefs. Boxer briefs. That's for both worlds. Okay. You're talking to the wrong guy. Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course. Of fucking course. High speed, low drag. No! Nope. And doesn't wash his hands. And doesn't wipe his butt. That's part of high speed, low drag. And we should have a disadvantage to all stealth checks from the stank. I turn to scam likely.

Do you think he wants us to take off our pants?

I look deep within myself. Deeply moved, Henry takes off his pants in solidarity with Ron. Oh, I see your dick. Oh, no. Ron takes off a pair of pants and hands it to Henry. Henry puts those pants on. And then, at last, after 15 or 20 minutes, the last pair of pants comes off, revealing...

Feeling that Ron is like totally sexy and well endowed. He's wearing like really hot boxers. What do the boxers look like? They say just like cool guy over and over again. We have to sell that in the merch store. And then there's a small like there's a small tag at the top that says MeUndies. Cool.

Oh, you know what? We still do have those holographic pants. Yeah. Which technically aren't pants. They're just a belt. Yeah. I'm going to throw those on. It'll be just like old times. When you put them on, boy, it just doesn't feel the same. It's almost worse. Yeah, because you see the pants, but you feel the air. Okay.

Well, you've made quite the sacrifice, Ronald. I know how much you loved your pants. That's the game. Thank you so much for playing. I, uh, will... He throws the gems at you and they land right at your feet. That was a pleasure. That's my payback for you murdering my cousin. I didn't think I could beat you in a fight because he was always more of the fighter. I was always more of the lover. But, uh, think about the...

those things that I asked you. Daryl, think about how you're not a good dad. Henry, go ahead and think about which one's your favorite. Glenn, think about how you put your child at risk because you didn't want to learn how to DJ. Hey, let's just be clear. If the sole provider for a child in this world is a DJ, that's putting that kid at risk. Well, it's been lovely. Maybe we'll see each other again. Actually, you know what?

I don't like to always just be a negative Nancy who doesn't help you at all because it feels like that gets a little repetitive. So if there's anything you want to know that might help you going forward with your quest to get your kids back or hire those mercenaries, I'll answer anything honestly if you've got any questions. Aaron alluded to the fact that these purple wizards have some sort of powerful magic.

What kind of magic is this are we talking about? Do you ever read Harry Potter? There's that part where Dumbledore is like, alas, the first question you ask me, I cannot answer. At the end of the first book, this is kind of one of those scenarios. What? Are you fucking kidding me? Scam likely sucks. Everyone,

Hey, Scam, where do those gems go? Yeah, where do the gems go? The gems I threw down the bottom of the bottle? Yeah, why wouldn't you keep them? Where do they go? Because I don't need money. Why? I mean, they're for the japes and the jokes and the fun. So they really go down just to an empty bottomless pit? As far as I know, that bit goes on forever. Scam, I have an idea. Okay. If we can come up with a riddle that can stump you, will you give us all our money back and undo the spells...

And if we can't stump you, you get the rest of the money. Henry, why are we double or nothing? We got this. Let's go. I don't think he can get the money back. I don't know if I can get the money back. I'm sorry. Guys, with two jewels plus the one that I have, that's three jewels. That's plenty to get an army together. Yeah, we can definitely get the army together. At least we can go in the pyramids. That's fine. We don't need to try to outwit a cool riddle master in our D&D podcast. Forget it.

But it's just that he said he can't get, I mean, okay. I can't get the gems. I mean, if you want to riddle the riddle master, then I will come up with a cool gift for you if you can stump me. All right. What's in my pocket? What's a cool riddle? I have to consider it a not bullshit riddle. I don't have anything. I read a bunch of your books through Dimensional Bleed from your world, and a lot of them have some bullshit ass riddles in them, and I don't play that way.

Guys, I know I'm not very good at riddles, but I think I came up with one. What is it? Oh, I mean, should I say it, or are we going to say it as a scam? Just whisper it to me, and then we'll decide if this is the riddle we want to deploy on scam. Okay. I know I'm not too good at them, but here's my attempt. It keeps little creatures warm, and you can buy it in a package, and if it goes through two arms, it goes back where it started. It keeps creatures warm. A little creature. It keeps a little creature warm, and...

And then what? You can buy it in a package. You can buy it in a package. And it goes through two arms. It goes through two arms. It goes back home. I couldn't really get it to rhyme. That's pretty good. I don't know what it is. Can you guys guess it? It'll make sense, I think. Two arms.

You guys are making fun of me, but I think it's a pretty good one. Maybe if you're really bad at getting riddles, you're also really good at coming up with them. Dumbass riddles. Or the answer's going to be complete bullshit. Nope, I don't think so. Mr. Scam Likely, I believe we have a riddle for you. Okay, can you repeat it? Yeah. Why am I nervous to talk to you, Scam? Fuck you. Fair enough. Yeah, so it keeps a creature warm, and you can buy it in a package. And if it goes through two arms, it goes back to where it started.

Keeps a little creature warm. Keeps a little creature warm. They're like a medium-sized creature if you want. I'm going to give myself a 60-second timer to solve this. You're here on Riddlecast. Anthony Burch has 40 seconds to guess the riddle. Can he do it? While Will keeps talking at him. It's not helping.

I like the idea that Scam likely has access to the internet, right? So it's like anything that we could have come up with. Oh, that's true. Yeah, I was going to just Google whatever riddle you asked me. Oh, shit. But the problem is we made one up right here, which makes it un-Google-able. The un-Google-able. What's going on, Scam? You know what? I got to admit. What's going on, Scam? You stumped me. What's the answer? It's a pigskin.

Keeps the creature warm. Pork rinds combine a package and it goes through two arms. Like when you kick a football, it goes back to the starting line. All right. All right. I got that. Touchdown Darryl. I did a riddle. Not bad. Not bad.

I mean, you could probably punch that. Henry, you're good at writing. Maybe you could punch that up and make it sound a little better. Yeah, well, no, it's a great first draft, though. Yeah. No, that's a solid. Did you do that? Yeah, I was just thinking, oh, my gosh. That's a legit riddle. And it's, like, on brand for your character. It's like, I'm pretty, like. That's what,

of the hardest improv things I've ever seen. An in-character actually hard riddle in the world. Thanks, guys. Wow. Okay. So obviously he gives you a

A slow clap? Yes. A slow clap. All right. And he says, again, I don't think I can get the money back, but I've got a pretty cool magical item that I sort of keep around for jokes that I could give to you, if that's something. Can we trade this item back for one scam? Like, can we get, like, a scam wish?

Like one free scam that we can call you and you have to scam the person that you said. Don't give him the thing. He'll probably do it for free. You love scams. We seem like a good group of people. My scams are not merely japes and jokes that I throw out as if mere baubles. My scams are art. They are artisanal creations made for a specific purpose. And those don't come cheap, my friend. So, yes, I will give you one organic free range scam likely scam. Guys, trust me.

You can't ask me to scam myself. Son of a bitch! You can't scam a scammer, man! You can't scam a scammer! That was close.

All right, well, should we just fucking take this item? But I thought we were going to just get scam likely to scam Neverwinter. Oh, yeah, we can still do that. I was just disappointed because I was going to scam him into giving all our money back. I know, but it's like... And he saw that shit coming from a mile away. Yeah, man, I shouldn't have said trust me. Ah! All right, yeah, we'll take the scam. Basically, whenever you'd like me to scam someone for you, just clap your hands together and say scammed.

And I'll call you and we'll work it out. Okay, that seems handy. But you just get this one. All right, Scam, do you have any advice for budding scammers out there? Yes. A-B-C. Always be scamming. I fucking love an ABC joke. You know, I fucking love it. Oh, man.

Put that potion down. Potions for closers. It just cuts into scam school and he's just like, these leads are weak. Third place set of mithril steel. Let's get out of here, guys. This guy sucks. We'll see you later. See ya. This was a pleasure.

was a pleasure i had a great time i had a great time i actually had a good time thank you thank you ron i'm sorry about your pants how are you doing buddy you know i um this is a new side of me and maybe the world isn't ready to see it but i'm ready to feel it and experience it and i'm just sort of um stepping into this new chapter and leaving a couple of uh legs behind

I love it. I love the idea that Ron has like, because you know, like how sometimes like people will wear like weight belts to work out and like over time. So like, I just love it. It's just like the most defined fucking quads that you've ever seen. Like they're just fucking like,

chiseled it's like a fucking statue i'll say if you're ever if you're ever not uh having those holographic pants on and you flex your quads i'll give you a advantage on intimidation rules yes are they really buff or is it like when you take a cast off and they're just sweaty i mean they may not be exclusive they're vascular as shit you know they're just veiny ass like fucking chiseled winding white yeah you can see all the veins

Yeah. You have to get dark vision. The legs are out. It looks like a 3D hologram. You can see veins are like six inches deep. And man, well, we've still got some money. We've got a scam in our pocket, an adventure in our heart and four sons, five sons. I forgot about not my favorite there. Tell us.

Somewhere a lark or sparrow is taking psychic damage. To rescue. So I think we should be on our merry way, gentlemen. So what happened? What happened with the... Why can't we go back to the mercenaries? Oh, they know who we are back in Neverwinter, man. We got to go to some, I guess, slightly more... I guess slightly less good mercenaries. Well, that's good because we can't afford the really nice ones anymore. But Peyton says, they don't know me.

Oh, hell yeah. That's true. That's true. Ron, you were going to dress up as Peyton anyways. I was, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. So Peyton, are you proposing that we park outside of Neverwinter, send you in, and you negotiate an army for us? I mean...

I don't know a lot about negotiation, but I could just give them the two jewels and be like, I want this many people. I mean, you want me to do a transaction. I'm not a convincing type of guy. You know what? And I could turn into a little animal and go on Peyton's shoulder. And that way he couldn't get in trouble. That would make me feel more comfortable. And then you could disguise yourself again. And Ron could be real stealthy. And Daryl could stay by the car. Yeah, for sure.

I'm just going to stay by the car, man. I've had a little too much adventure for like one afternoon. I'm going to have to just like take the edge off a little bit with a little bit of Indica Sativa. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Here's what we'll do. I'll turn into a majestic flying falcon. And if Payton gets in trouble, I can swoop down and grab him and fly out of the city.

Or you should be on his shoulder so it's intimidating. Payton, you can be like... Ooh, that's cool. Like a beast master. I'll just be your bear. I'll just be like a big-ass bear, and then you can ride out of the city on me. Ooh, that's very cool. Payton, you should put an eyepatch on. Somebody give me an eyepatch. Somebody give me something to make an eyepatch out of. I'll make an eyepatch. Wait, guys.

They know Ron Stampler, the pants man. But do they know Ron Stampler? No pants. It might be pretty hard. If you don't wear those hologram pants, I don't know if anybody can look at anything but your legs. You know what? There was a crew of bank robbers. True story. In the 1930s that robbed banks with their dicks out.

Really? And they never got caught because people were just staring at their dicks. No way. We need the biopic. The biopic. How's that not an HBO show at this point? We need the biopic pic. Okay.

Okay, how do you want to play this? Are we taking our dicks out? What are we doing? No, Peyton. I'll do it. I'll do it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm a confident man. You're going to eye patch. You look pretty badass. I'm going to turn into a bear and you can be like the boy bear king of the forest and you're looking to, you know, like, you know, you're going to hire an army. You got that cool belt? No, I do.

I am going to deactivate my holographic pants where I'm still wearing the belt. They're just not pants right now. Whoa, my eyes. Yeah, that's right, buddy. So many things happening. Take a good look at those legs there. Wait a second, though. Once we leave, are the mercenaries going to try to turn us in once they find out it's us? No, mercenaries just do. They don't care who their job is for. They're not the police. If they're getting more money for not turning us in. Yeah, just up the rate a little bit. That makes sense. All right, let's do it. This sounds like a

plan also this is payden's army he they can be mad that payden happens to also work with people that they don't like like they're his mercenaries that sounds good to be you're in charge it's the payden's all over again remember that yeah a board leader that's who i am oh my god all right i turn into a bear all right falls on your back is anybody else or is it just i'm going no ron you're gonna uh i mean you still look like you not with these legs bucko

Okay, so the second you breach the town, you're going to have to roll something, something to not be immediately recognized and fallen upon as Ron Sampler. Intimidation, I guess? Stealth? Is it stealth? Yeah, are you just trying to sneak by with your shiny legs? I feel like the legs are a disadvantage. But it's stealth in plain sight. Because you're hiding in plain sight. It's the reverse of hiding in his pants is he's hiding behind his own legs. Yeah. What? Fuck.

Fucking Lovecraftian. Everyone just sees a cool pair of legs walking around. I do an exorcist back bend. Oh, no, this is so much worse. Yeah, go ahead and roll stealth with that. Okay. That's the worst thing I've heard.

Ooh. A crew fail. Oh, no. A natural one. So you walked through the gate. How close are you to, you guys got to pretend like you don't know Ron. Yeah. Or just look the other way while Ron runs back to the van. You know, I like literally like lean back and then make a...

So you're walking into Neverwinter and you attempt to do a backbend, but there is a sickening crack as you do it and you find that you suddenly cannot move. You make some sort of noise of pain. A couple of bluecoats at the gate just trying to go, it's the pants one. It's Ron. Get him. Get him. And a half dozen bluecoats come out and just fucking tackle you to the ground. I roar at them. Oh, shit. Okay, roll intimidation. Okay. Okay.

And then I want to, I'm hoping, paying hips to what I'm doing, we're going to pretend that Ron is our prisoner and we're bringing him back for the bounty. Oh, that's cool. That's good. That's some Star Wars shit. TK421, why aren't you at your post? Will just did a fucking perfect impression of the shrug that he does. I got a 16 intimidation. Do I get like an advantage because I'm in bear form or anything? Yeah, go ahead and roll again.

Okay, I got a 16. So 16's good enough and they all stop and go, whoa, and they hold back and they go, what the fuck? And Peyton goes, look, this is my bounty. Ain't nobody collecting the gold on them other than me. That happened. I, Peyton, just burped.

Because I ate the other four dads. Three dads. I ate the other three. This one seemed like I didn't want to put those legs down my throat. Please don't burp on me, Peyton, sir. So the blue coats are immediately like, actually, I guess I'll have Peyton roll deception. This is insane. Okay. This was the stupidest plan of all time. Oh, my God.

I rolled a natural one. And they immediately just fucking fall upon all three of you. I turn back into a human and I go, Daryl Sandberg!

save us let's get out I think we got I think we accelerate the car and I drive towards and we're gonna try and like and then they hit a jump that flies straight over the moat into Neverwinter and then the podcast freeze frames and banjo music starts playing and the Dukes of Hazzard guy goes them dads were in a whole heap of trouble I want

prisoner of Azkaban, Daniel Radcliffe flying towards the camera on a blue, on a blue freeze frame. Yes, it's a freeze frame of the Honda Odyssey with Glenn and Daryl both like, I'm holding my axe out the window and Glenn, what do you have? I'm swinging my nunchucks. And we go, we're coming boys. It's gonna be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. And if you die, it'll be alright.

♪ It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright ♪ ♪ You'll get, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ All you do is try, it'll be alright ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is a song called All Right by Maxton Waller. Additional recording this week by Sage GC and the fine folks at 20 Sided Stories. They're another improvised comedy podcast that tell arcs in familiar worlds and genres in 16 episodes or less.

which puts them in the coveted manageable listens category of podcasts. They just finished an arc in the Pokemon universe. They're about to tackle the Marvel universe. You can find them on podcast apps everywhere. And at 20, that's two zero sided stories.com.

Thank you also to our Patreon elite tier members, the On Call Daddies who ran a one-shot with Anthony and contributed an item to the campaign. They're not the only Patreon supporters we got. We got fine folks like Kaida Valastar, Marley M, Michael Hicks, Eternal Tofu, probably not the real name, and Fernando Rigoza. Those folks too support us on the Patreon. Thank you to all of our Patreon supporters for making this show possible. You can join the ranks at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. We got all kinds of cool stuff.

There, for you to peruse, we just finished a three-part prequel campaign called At the Mountains of Dadness, featuring the grandparents of the dads you know and love. I clocked in at about five hours of more role-playing madness in the Call of Cthulhu system. That entire campaign is available to every Patreon supporter at any level, so if you're thirsting for more content...

Head to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Looking to support the podcast in other ways? Well, you can check out some of our great enamel pins in our merch store, and you can see that at ron.business, an actual URL that will work when you put it in your actual web browsers. You can also check out our other videos,

We're Dungeons and Dads on Twitter, bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads for that private Facebook group, r slash Dungeons and Daddies for the subreddit, and DungeonsandDaddies.com for our main website. Next full episode will be out January 7th, as two weeks from now we're going to be right around Christmas times and everyone's going out their separate ways for the holidays. Thanks so much for listening, and we'll see everybody next year. There was a time we'd be between to know they'd never

never brought you down. Oh, here's a question. Entangle. Can I cast it like underground? No, you have to see what you're casting it at. From a point within. It just says, point of order, it does just say from a... So under components, does it say V? There's like a list. Yes, it does. That means visual. It means you'd be looking at... Ha ha! Finally, the one thing I know about D&D rules has come into fruition.

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I don't know.

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