Ep. 24 - The Sins of the Fathers
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description.

Welcome to Neverwinter City, where the grass is green and the dads are pretty. Pretty much up a creek, that is. No one ever accused Henry Oak and Ron Stampler of having an overabundance of common sense, but this latest plot to sneak into town and hire a band of mercenaries? Had more leaps of logic than a J.J. Abrams movie. And sure enough, the second they got to the city gates, the whole harebrained caper went to hell in a handbasket.

That's what happens when you let orphaned fighter Peyton Bennett's do the talking. Now these dad boys are stuck tighter than a hair in a biscuit with the Blue Coat Brigade fixing to tame their hives. What's that? Why, it's Odyssey's son herself with Daryl Wilson at the wheel and Glenn Close riding shotgun. Whatever these two got cooking, bound to make old Sheriff Boreanaz madder than a wet hand. Soup's on, boys!

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, occasionally a BDSM podcast, occasionally a Dungeons and Dragons podcast where we loosely play 5e, in case you were wondering.

Most people are... Just start this off with a bang here, Freddie. I saw a thread. What's going on, man? People were like, what edition of D&D did they play? And the response was like, edition? D&D? You know what? I want 100 people standing over their table when they're playing Dungeons & Dragons. See if they miss any rules. Every time my mom calls, she's like, sweetheart, what edition are you playing? Bethany, I love you, but you only get one reaction per turn. No.

This is a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. Fun dad fact for Glenn this week. Glenn just took a DNA test. Turns out they give that shit to the FBI.

Glenn does not. Well done. It's jacked up. Did you know? So I took 23 and I found this one out the hard way. What does that mean? You Googled it? Yeah.

I binged it. Fucking Reddit slash TIL. Today I learned that my DNA went to the government. Yeah, if you took 23andMe, the cops have your DNA. So now I... Oh, the cops already have our DNA. No, no, but I'm saying... No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying like that information is shared. Those databases are now shared with the national databases. So I can't even do crimes anymore. However, wait. State, like each state has a different sort of policy on whether or not they can use that national DNA bank. Yeah.

To get pregnant. We need to talk. Fred, do you think they're making babies with you? No, I think they're just making it really difficult. YouTube Laboratories is cloning the ultimate influencer. Glenn secretly believes that his DNA is hidden, encoded in his DNA is the secret to true rock and roll stardom, which he possesses. And he's like, I can't let anyone get into some of this special juice.

It's like when Jet Li wouldn't let them mocap him for Matrix because he's like, they're going to copy my ultimate martial arts moves. Yeah, he was like on top of deep fakes. He was ahead of the game. No, I mean, to be fair, it's totally true. Like if I could have seen his moves, I could have definitely just replicated it. Yeah.

What are you thinking, buddy? I'm going to go first. Whoa. Yeah. All right. Power move. I'm in a good mood. Everybody step back. I'm in a good mood. It's been a few months, but hey, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron. The future is female. Sorry. I literally interrupted you to say that. I'm interrupting a woman to say the future is female. I love it. Whenever somebody interrupts me to say the future is female, I'm like,

No, you go ahead. Tell me. Hey, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, a man. And also an emotionally detached stepfather and a rogue, sort of. Everybody's like, what? He's not a rogue. You're not playing the fake game correctly, Bethany. Oh, yeah. We are so salty tonight. Okay, so fun.

Fun dad fact about Ron. Ron has attached earlobes. Okay. Okay. So like fun. Fan art now has to change. Yeah. Like canonically Ron has attached, attached to your lobes. So like you either have detached or attached earlobes and it sounds really dramatic and horrible, but it's literally just like Anthony, I can tell that you have, he's attached. Yeah. He's attached. Yeah.

I can tell that you're all circumcised. Anthony's earlobes are fully intact. Okay, but like I overheard this couple clearly on their first date at Tanner's coffee shop and the guy was like, oh, you have detached earlobes. And she didn't get it. And so he was like mansplaining earlobe attachedness.

I mean, she didn't get it and he explained it. Is that really? I mean. Careful, Matt. No, like she was literally like. Do you want to explain what mansplaining is to Beth? Was that? No, she was. I'm stepping back to the microphone. She was just literally like, I don't understand. Maybe she just didn't understand why he was bringing it up on a date. Anyway, canonically, yes. That's some serial killer shit to bring up on a date. I've looked very closely at your ears. And I was just like getting a smoothie or something. And I just hear like.

Yeah, so your earlobes are detached. And she's like, what do you mean? What do you mean? It means we're not going out again. It means like everybody, like, see, look. Look, and she's like, I can't see my earlobes. LAUGHTER

Well, why don't you go just to change up the order? All right, let's mix it up. I play Henry Oak, hippie, druid, rockin', Birkenstock, rockin', crunchy, munchy, hippie, nature, druid, dad. Got that a little wrong. Okay, we're going to power through it. I'm a little nervous today because I, for Henry's dad fact, am going to reveal...

Who he was going to say was the favorite. I knew you were going to do it once you said it was heavy. Oh my gosh. So the reason he could not bring himself to say it is because this is one of Henry's greatest shames is that his favorite child is Beanie, his original parrot.

Oh my gosh. Henry had a... Before they had the kids. Parrots live a long time. My ex-boyfriend has a parrot that is his older brother. Like a macaw. It's serious shit. Say that sentence again. My...

Half of my brain cells just committed suicide out of self-preservation. Okay, so my ex-boyfriend... I said my ex-boyfriend has a parrot that is his older brother. You did say those words in order. And that's why I dumped him for his older brother. That parrot fucks like there's no tomorrow. No, but like, okay, so my...

My ex is like 30 something. I'll just say that. And then lower ends of 30s. And the parrot of his family, I forget his name, but the parrot is 36. Jesus. Like older. Parrots can live to 50 years. I just Googled. I did not know that. Yeah. Yeah.

So Henry, when he was on his own in his 20s, he went through a really rough time and he bonded with his parrot. It was a wild parrot. Like one of those ones that like, you know, you'll be like, why the fuck are there parrots in this part of town? Like in New York or in San Francisco, they have them. He bonded with this injured parrot, nursed it back to health. They were inseparable for years and years. He got married. They had kids. And one day... Wait, wait, what? Him and the parrot? Yeah.

I thought this was going to be like a for sale baby shoes. Never worn. Everyone's giving me tears. And then my I'm ruining it. No, when he got married to Mercedes O. Garcia, like we always get it was like his buddy being. It was like his best friend, you know, got him through thick and thin. And when Larkin Sparrow were seven, they were rough housing in the house like usual, not paying attention. Oh, my God. And they knocked into Beanie's cage and Beanie got crushed.

What? And died. And Henry was furious, but has vowed to never get angry at his kids. Wow. And he was heartbroken and ashamed of himself, both as a father for not having better control of his kids and ashamed of, you know, devastated about the loss of his best friend. He's really bitten down on those emotions, but he, like Beanie, has always had this special place in his heart. And he's...

by that. He feels so guilty and awful about it, but it's like kind of deep down he still knows that it's true and he doesn't really feel like he can talk to anybody about it. For sale. Crackers. Dead bird. So that was what he was trying not to say in that scene. Well, if it makes Henry feel better as the only parent here, I can tell you it's not weird to love animals more than your kid.

I did. Don't worry, not that weird. I did notice that you still have Play-Doh as your Instagram photo and not your adorable baby daughter. Well, that's because Matt's already reserved all the sick, awesome, like, OG handles for his daughter already. He's not going to. Yeah. No, I'll keep my daughter private.

from the internet. Fair enough. You'll keep your cap, right? No, yeah. All right. Hi, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian. I don't know quite when this episode is coming out, but I figured I would say that every year, every new year, Daryl makes his whole family do New Year's resolutions at the breakfast table, and he always picks the same resolution, which is he's going to surprise them every morning.

And that's it. And he tries to. They fucking hate it every time. It's terrifying. Yeah, yeah. He surprises them every morning. Wait, like, what's a surprise? Like, how? I have follow-up questions. What's, like, a typical Daryl surprise? And then how long into the year does he get before it peters out? He peters out very, very quickly because they get mad at him. And usually the surprise is he'll wake up Grant, like, in the morning, like, surprise. I didn't think that far ahead. Yeah.

What the surprises were. Don't worry about it. Now you understand how hard it is to do a mystery box type show. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe next week you'll find out what the surprises are, Will.

Fair enough. Anyways, we have one real dad here, which is Anthony. Hello, dad. Hi, it's me, Anthony, your dad. Hi, dad. Hi, dad. My dad fact is I was looking, I saw a tweet that said, if you're a speaker and you're one of those people who says like, good morning, oh, come on, we could do better than that. Good morning. I immediately hit you. And I realized all four dads in this show are different shades of that person. Yeah.

Oh, Glenn has definitely done that. I can't hear you at a Christmas benefit concert in a mall. Yeah. I feel like Daryl would definitely be like, good morning. Is that all you guys got? Come on. Give it again. Good morning. Henry, say it so loud the whole earth can hear you. And then Ron would be like, I don't know what to say next, so I will just repeat. I can't hear you. Sorry, what was that?

So last episode, you went off to try to reclaim the jewels that had been stolen from you by Scam Likely. You went to Scam Likely's riddle dungeon. So you have three jewels remaining. You successfully solved all of Scam Likely's riddles and either refused to do or successfully did all of his truths or dares.

You then decided to send in Peyton writing Henry, who is in bear form. Oh, God, this one tits up real bad. Maybe the stupidest decision we've ever made as a group. Because we were riding high off the other thing. Like, yeah, we're going to just walk back in and get the stuff. And immediately everybody's...

Shit. Yeah, all your persuasion rolls failed and the blue coats of Neverwinter immediately noticed Ron and then Peyton tried to cover for it by saying he was bringing him in like Chewie in Star Wars, like I'm taking him to detention center, whatever the fuck. Cell block AA-23? Thank you. TK-421, that's the one I was remembering. I almost said 420. I was like, that's... TK-420! Why aren't you at your post? I'll tell you why.

Because you're getting blazed in your stormtrooper outfit. TK-420 is a very- Because I got a bong that looks like a lightsaber. Me and Yoda are smoking kush on Dagobah. Oh, boy. I got so much weed in me, these look like there's two suns on this planet. Mos Heisley Katina. Mos Heisley?

I like casino better. Just ripping them in Cloud City, baby. Every Star Wars location is weed slang. Oh, boy. So this. Yeah. Every Star Wars location is weed slang. Freddy just smoked weed. Yeah.

Yo, bro, you want to head out back? We get blazed in a place called the Sarlacc pit. Are we still summarizing what happened last episode? Yo, Boba Fett's been in there for so long, bro. Okay. Okay. So who's going to edit the podcast now that Freddie's fired? So,

So Ron and Henry and Peyton have basically been attacked and like tackled by the blue coats of Neverwinter. And I'm presuming that the remainder of you were like watching this happen. If I remember correctly, the two of you then did a Dukes of Hazzard. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, we ended on a freeze frame, I believe. Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Yeah, which in audio form is just silence. Yeah.

So you basically land right before this big mass of bluecoats that are just on top of Payden and the bear and the Ron, just basically hitting them with truncheons and stuff like that. Like, they failed so bad, we're not even, if we want to do a proper, like, initiative combat shit, we can, but I'm basically treating them as one massive mob of angry. One Looney Tunes cartoon cloud of dust with feet and fists coming out of it. Yeah, with, like, exclamation points coming out and, like, little, like, asterisks and shit. So are the bluecoats, like, people we've met, like...

When we first got there. They are the cops of Neverwinter. Okay, cool, cool. You saw them the last time you were here as well. Boreanaz is their leader. Oh, wow. Daryl, hit the high beams and like hit the windshield wipers and like blow the horn and we can blow. Yeah, yeah. I was going to make it like a beast. Okay, so then I will indeed roll for a drift. I'm going to try to spin 180 so the back wheels are pointing straight at everybody. Okay, so roll your car skill that we sort of homebrewed in. Yeah, I have. Well, we're going to use my animal handling because it is a beast. Right.

That is an 18 plus four is my animal handling. Wow, okay, so describe what happens. I land and I feel like it's slick mud, like kind of wet, and I spin. In fact, I don't spin 180. I spin 540, so I do a full 360 and then spin one more 180 to go backwards. And then the moment I land... I love that you had enough...

Like discretion to be like, I can't do the 900. That's Tony Hawk's move. I'll do the 540. Okay, Bob Burnquist. Me and my boy Bucky Lasik here. And then, yes, the first time the headlights point at them, I flash the headlights in the high beam, and me and Glenn scream animal noises. Glenn, just sound like you. You have a horn. You have a horn. You have a horn. You have a horn that makes your car scream. I hit the horn, and I scream. And then when I go backwards, I rev the engine. I start spraying dirt at them, and I open up the back.

and I start screaming. It's like this beast will consume you if you don't let go of my friend and then in the back I'm holding the Honda vac system which allows you to vacuum in the back and I have it on so it's just like snaky looking tube going like okay. I can only handle this creature for so long. All right, so I've never winter.

You gotta chill. You've angered the beast. Lest you incur its wrath. You all gotta chill. Okay, so one of the two of you roll intimidation with advantage because you drifted so good. I've got a question really quick. Yeah, what's up? What does the Honda Odyssey's horn canonically sound like? I'm turning into Freddie and Anthony where I say canonically every other word. I've tried to say it less. Okay. Freddie, you probably know better. It just sounds like a Honda horn. I figured

like Daryl had like beasted it out. Oh yeah, hold on. Wait, Daryl, has Daryl installed an aftermarket horn? Have the boys at Pet Boys hooked Daryl up with a sick aftermarket horn? Also, does the minivan have truck nuts? Absolutely not. Daryl would hate truck nuts. Okay. My Prius has truck nuts. Okay, so that's going to be... My other Prius is truck nuts. Okay.

You know what sucks about the Cybertruck is how can you get truck nuts on that polygonal beast? Are you kidding? The Cybertruck would make truck nuts look so fucking cool and dope it wouldn't even be funny. The truck nuts would probably have like Cylon eyes on them. The truck nuts are driving it. Oh,

Bazing. All right, I got 15. So with a 15, the horde of bluecoats looks up and for a second, stop pummeling your friends. They sort of pause a little bit freaked out and they're looking at each other like not quite sure what to do. And I go, oh, seriously, I can't control this thing. And I back up and start it again and then back up. I keep backing up towards them and then like revving the engine and pulling forward and back. Seriously, if I let go of this thing, it's just going to come right at you guys. And then Glenn, for his part, is doing that thing with a vacuum cleaner when you put your hand on it and it sucks your hand up.

He's like, whoa, whoa. Oh, no. While they're doing this, Henry is going to debare and try to commune with Ron and Peyton to try to slip away while everyone is distracted. Okay.

Payton, Ron, let's get out of here. Let's give them the slip and we can just maybe sneak back to the van. Well, okay. What if we put the holographic pants on you as a bear? What would that accomplish? What would we try to do? Instead of three people, we look like just a big pair of pants. But...

But you wouldn't be wearing the pants. We would still look like three people. Oh, no, I see what Ron's saying. It's like, I'll put it around my head like a headband, and then you guys jump onto my legs, and then I'll run out of here. Yeah. You know what? I can't argue with that. Yeah, no, that makes perfect sense. Why would... Hey!

Guys, can we just run in here? If you try to run in there, you're basically still flanked by all these dudes and they'll all take opportunity attacks on you. Okay, well, maybe we should just run in opposite directions. Maybe we should, like, I cast about to see if there's any, like, handy places we could duck into to hide. Oh, yeah, and everyone is a really big town, so there's all kinds of alleys and, you know, little shops and stuff that you can... Let's slip into that alley and then we can double back and try to get back inside the van. Okay. So somebody rolls stealth. That feels like a round roll.

Okay. Oh, wait. What if we do the pants thing and then we can all use Ron's stealth? Yeah. Wait. We do the pants thing and then we go into one of the shops and we're like, oh, a big pair of pants on sale. Is there a big and tall shop nearby? Yes.

Okay. Yes. Ye big with an E. Yes. And T-A-L-L-E. And it's only for Goliaths and giants and like. And they sell big dog shirts too. They do. All right. In that case, I'm still in bear form. I crawl onto you and I hand you the belt with a holographic paint. Yeah. Here's how I figured this is going is that Ron ties the belt around my head and

And then Ron is tugging on my fur like a reverse Ratatouille to direct the stealthiness. That's just a person riding an animal. That happens all the time. It's a reverse Ratatouille. Every single Western ever made is full of reverse Ratatouilles.

Will Goes to the Farms is like, look at all these fucking reverse ratatouilles. I didn't know they had reverse ratatouilles in the Renaissance. John Wayne was one of the best reverse ratatouille riders. Probably my favorite reverse ratatouille movie other than ratatouille is Seabiscuit. Okay, okay, I'm rolling. I'm amazed Pixar let them get away with it.

I am going to the IMDb page for Seabiscuit and leaving a review, a one-star review, just saying that this is just a reverse Ratatouille. Guys, okay. Guys, I am rolling reverse Ratatouille right now. Okay, go ahead. Roll stop. Yeah.

I got a four, but plus eight is still not great. A 12, yeah. 12's not going to do it. So basically, they don't see the reverse Ratatouille. They just see a massive pair of pants try to sneak away stealthily from the mass of 30 cops and they all just go, oh my god, they turned into one big pair of pants. Get them! And they just start chasing you. So we're all running as one big pair of pants down the

Yeah. As far as I can tell. Not towards us, away from us? Yes, away from you. Why are you guys running away from us? I mean, I know. The crowd of goons is between us and you. So is there anyone left with us? What? So is there anybody watching us? Does Glenn just sit here just diddling around with a vacuum cleaner and then everyone leaves? Uh...

I feel like you guys should chase after us and we can try to pilot the pants back around to you. Yeah, I think that you scared those guys so much that you made them want to get away from you anyway. And now that they see there's a large pair of pants to go chase, they're like, sure, I can chase after these guys and pretend that it's for that and not because I'm scared of the big beast. Any port in a storm.

Should we break up? I mean, not like emotionally or relationship-wise. I think we should see other dads. Should we become other things other than this big pair of pants? Like, hey, Peyton, you could go that way and I could go...

I don't want to split up. This is a big city. I'd be scared to split up. Well, if you guys like stay here and then I can go get away would be. I look at Glenn and I'm like, Glenn, you've seen Fast and Furious 7, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, are you kidding? You've seen 2012? Oh, yeah. Disaster. You've seen every movie with a cargo plane, right? Every movie with a cargo plane. You don't understand what I'm saying. You don't understand how this is going to work. I peel out and I start driving towards them. Oh,

Oh, God. Are you driving backwards because you got the trunk open? No, I'm going to get in front of you guys like a cargo plane, and you guys will just climb up inside. Okay. This car is faster than you, so I'm going to get in front of you. Okay, so if we position the belt of the holographic pants in a perfect position to be clipped by the mirror of the Honda Odyssey, we'll be thrust into the trunk of the van. Okay.

What does the pants have to do with the van, though? Well, okay, so when Daryl was, like, quietly on the other side of this place where we cannot hear talking about movies with big cargo planes, I, Ron, was thinking about one of the Batman movies where they talk about, like, flying and being caught in midair. And that was called Skyhook in one of the Batman movies. But if it's Belt Loop...

Never mind. I think we should go. In terms of timeline, I think as Ron was trying to explain that, Daryl is just driving full speed in reverse at them. Okay. Okay. So the plan. Okay. All right. So then as Ron's talking and Daryl's doing that, Henry's going to look back and see the maw of the van approaching them.

Okay, so the van is approaching you with its trunk open, and six or so of the blue coats turn back, and they see the beast coming out with his big open mouth, and they try to scatter, and a couple of them don't, and sort of like end up sort of jumping directly into the van with you. Uh-oh. They're just in the van with you, and they're like, and they start to freak out, but then they sort of realize like, oh, nothing's...

Nothing's happening. Like, this is fine. You're just saying there's guys in the van with us? Yeah, they're now blue coats in the van with you. How many? Six. Six in the van? Okay, all right. Okay, let's... We can walk out. We can walk out to our office here. You're not going to get six grown adults. I think they get this because they're all probably like laying on the floor and stuff. Yeah, they're not like fighting fans.

They're all like smushed together and on the floor and confused and only are just now realizing like, oh, we're not getting digested. I put the vacuum cleaner on their skin. Like that one. That guy's freaking out. That guy's losing his shoes. All right. Henry's going to yell. Hang on, guys, and jump into the van. OK, cool. Roll acrobatics. Do I roll a bear's acrobatics? I think you get different stats as a bear. So, yeah. OK, I don't know what those stats are. You're going to win the poo this van.

To be fair, bears can ride on little tricycles. If you're going to jump into the back of the van, that's good. You'll smush the whole van. Okay, go ahead and roll. I'm looking at his stats right now. I'll tell you if it works or not. I got a 17. Okay, 17 will do it. All right, so you leap on top of this mass of dudes that are inside the van. So it's a fucking full house in this van. Like, it's just, it's packed wall to wall with people. These guys have all seen Batman.

So they're basically freaking out and you're on top of them. And so they just start taking out their like swords and they just start trying to stab at you. Yeah, but like they certainly couldn't, right? Yeah, yeah, it's fair. I feel like you're airtight. Yeah, no, they're just trying to hit you with their fucking hands. Yeah, I mean, they are hitting you, but it's doing almost nothing because there's no leverage for them to get like a good blow at you. But like, so you hear one of the blue coats say like in the air,

In the name of Sheriff Boreanaz, you are under arrest by the Bluecoats of Neverwinter. You must report to the Bluecoat headquarters at once. I don't think so, buddy. But we're still here for mercenaries, right?

I spin 180 and I start driving out of the town. Does anybody want to stop him? Okay, I can't talk because I'm a bear. You can de-transform whenever you want to, I guess. But I'm kind of sitting on top of the six guys. If you do that, then they'll be able to stop. I guess I just talked with Ron, but we're going to just say that that's a Ron thing. It's a Ron thing. You wouldn't understand. I feel like we should get

out of this situation right now. Henry's making bear noises from the back. He thinks this is a bad idea. Just paw him out, man. Shove these losers out, dude. Daryl, can you open a window? I'm not saying that anybody tooted or anything, but there's a... All right, everybody, calm down. I'm driving out of here. We'll talk about this when we're done. I'm not saying it was your fault, but you guys all walked in there, and now I'm going to bring us out of this situation. We can figure out what to do. Somebody's taking my armrest. So the blue coat that was yelling at you is like...

You guys are asshole. You came to our town and you killed like 200 people with your fucking pyramid. You guys are dicks. You guys are the worst. You should come back here to face justice. Young man, you watch your language in this car. I'm a grown man. Yeah, you're not sounding like one right now, are you? Henry D. Barris.

Okay, so if you debare, then immediately, like two of them you were keeping in just by friction, so they just sort of fall out the back and tumble down out of the van. So now there are four blue coats left, and they immediately draw these little daggers, and they point them at your throat. We should just call for us to hang on and buckle our seatbelts and then whip a 180 and just fling them out. But now Peyton and Ron are in the back,

Payton's not got a seatbelt and now freaking Henry just debarrets and all those guys with daggers. We need to atone for what we've done to this town. Oh my God. I just keep driving. I'm like, Henry, you know, that would've been a good thing to say. Like, uh, I just want to know if anybody dies right now, it's on you, buddy. Uh, good job debarring, dude. Payton, payton, payton. Payton's like, I can't, I can't move. There's this guy in my foot and he's got a knife to Henry and I'm worried. Can we turn on the radio? Uh,

No, Ron, can you help pay him out? Yeah, sure. Payton, where are you? Right here. And Payton's right next to you, and there's just a guy. Basically, one of the bluecoats, like, sees that there are enough knives on Henry, and he turns around and just puts a knife to Payton's throat because he sees that, for some reason, you seem to care about this kid. So there's a guy holding a knife to Payton now. Daryl, we need an army to rescue our sons. We can't run away from this. I slam on the brakes. Ooh, Henry's accidentally stabbed. There's a lot of people with knives to their throats in the back here. Yeah, so, uh...

Well, what way is he facing? I just want to try to slap the knife away like a kid in the backseat of a car. Okay, so Peyton with the knife to him, they're up against the side of it. The knife is sort of parallel to the direction that the thing is moving. So if you stop, it's going to slide against his neck. Okay, well then I won't stop. You could come to a gentle stop. Yeah, you could just slow down like normally. But if you want to try to slap away, go ahead and roll dexterity against me.

Eight. Okay, I got a ten. So you try to like wrench it out of the guy's way and he goes, no, no, this is bullshit. I've lost brothers trying to go into that fucking pyramid and kill the mummy that's there and you guys are not just gonna get away. You're going, you gotta go back and face justice. I'm not touching you, you can't get mad. I'm not touching you, you can't get mad. Sir, I'm gonna

Sir, I'm going to pull his van over and we'll talk about it. But you take that knife from that boy's throat. He had nothing to do with this. Are you saying you're the type of person who's going to kill a young boy for no reason? You put that knife down. We'll sit down. We'll talk about this like many. You put it down. Are you telling the truth or are you bluffing? No, I'm telling the truth. I'm going to stop the van. Okay, then roll persuasion.

19 plus. Whoa. Minus one. 18. That is fine. You get dad advantage because it's an I'm going to pull this. Oh, you're from the front seat. Well, no, but it's also this is an I'm going to pull this car over. That's an automatic advantage. That's an automatic advantage for dads. Don't make me pull this car. They say it's kind of like do-man. You got a 15 on the other one. Okay. So the blue coat narrows his eyes at you and he goes like, unlike you guys, I'm not a murderer. And he sheaves his dagger and then like pats Peyton on the shoulders in a kind of condescending way. And he goes, now stop the car like you said.

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We're out of the town at this point. Yeah, you're basically, you went over the drawbridge, which is still down, and you're like, you know, if you turned around, it would take 45 seconds to go back to the fucking... Okay, I pull over. Good thing we didn't start to raise the drawbridge so we hit a super cool jump on the way. A super cool jump or anything. A super cool jump that made the dagger go inside Peyton's neck when you landed. Hey, did you say something about a mummy?

Yeah, there's a mummy, allegedly, inside this big ass pyramid that you, you, all of you dropped on my town. Well, thank God it's not a daddy. So one of the guys just jumps out of the van to his death. I pull the car over. Okay, cool. Everybody get out. He goes, no, I'm not getting out. You want to talk inside this van? Let's walk outside. Everybody get out of the van. I get out of the van. I get out of the van and I open the side door. Everybody get out. Roll persuasion with disadvantage.

11. Okay, so 11 is not going to be good enough. He goes, no, you're just going to drive. You're going to take this beast away. You're going to ride this beast away the second I get out of here. No, I'm going to take the beast away. You know what? Fine. Everybody else, if this young man doesn't want to get out of the van, everybody else can. Everybody else get out of the van. We'll talk to him in the van like he wants to be talked to in the van. I still have a sword pointed at my throat here, so. I have

out of the bag. Well, Henry, you're going to have to stay in there with him until he puts that sword down. Well, you know what, Daryl? Maybe I am going to stay in because maybe we need to be held accountable for our own actions no matter what the consequences and no matter what the context is. And just because you've got other stuff going on doesn't mean that these people don't have a right to their anger at us. And I know it wasn't our fault, but sometimes horrible tragedies happen by accident and that's just a dark thing you have to live with. Maybe it's important...

that we take responsibility for our actions. We killed hundreds of people with our actions. We need to respect this town and we need to come to some kind of resolution here. I put my hands over Peyton's ears. I go, hey, buddy, you're not going to hear this for a second. I go, hey, Henry, stop your woke bullshit for one moment. You almost killed Peyton here because you couldn't take handling your own guilt for two freaking seconds. You guys walked in there and almost got us all killed. And I had to get a van, put you all in there and you

couldn't even put a seatbelt on god damn it i understand you want to fix things but that's not a reason to get almost everybody killed so if you could stop it for one second we could figure out how to solve this thing now can everybody please get out of the van so we can figure out how to solve everybody's problems thank you very much and please no more knives to this boy's young throat thank you and i really said payton did you hear any of that role perception

18 plus 1, 19. Oh, okay. Never mind then. I was going to say he like put his hands up and like blocked your hand. So you thought you were covering them, but you didn't. While they're arguing, I want to see if I can snatch the keys out of the ignition. I mean, I have them. I would have definitely taken them. Yeah, if you stopped the car and took it, I assume he just has them. You want to try to pickpocket them from Daryl? Okay. Okay, go ahead. I mean, I was screaming. I feel like she gets advantage. Yeah, roll sleight of hand with advantage. Okay. It's just like a pair of pants. Just like a hand comes out.

I like literally rolled the same again. Okay. That's your superpower. I guess. Yeah, I did not. Okay. So Daryl, you see the pair of pants and a hand coming out. Ron, do you want the keys? If you want the keys, just ask for the keys. Can I have the keys, Daryl? What do you want them for? I want to turn on the car alarm so that everybody stops arguing. Okay. I understand you. We don't need that. We'll just stop arguing right now. Really?

Okay, if we could all just talk without everybody trying to kill each other for one second, then we could probably figure this out. So there are three blue coats remaining in the van. Two of them are holding knives at Henry and one of them had a knife on Peyton and he's since put it away. Yes. You don't really need that. What's your name, bud? He goes, my name is Dines Carlson.

Okay. That's a name submitted by, they submitted their own name, Dinas Carlson. Dinas. Dinas. They say pronounced like penis, but with a D instead of a P. I like that. And Carlson is pronounced like Carlson. Sir, as you can tell, there's five of us and three of you. None of us have our weapons out. One of us, the person that you have, can turn into a bear if you could put your weapons down. Oh, so we're doing threats now. That's fine. No, yeah, yeah. It's not a threat. It's can we all talk about this instead of having weapons out right now.

Well, no, because the weapons are the only leverage we have over you. You just said, as you pointed out, there's five of you and one of you can turn into a bear. No, that's the point is that we don't have weapons now. We're not going to, we don't want to fight. So can we talk about this right now? We can talk right now. What's going on? Let's go back and start to look. What do you want from us? We want you to go back to Neverwinter and face justice for what you did. Who's justice?

his name is david borianas and he is our boss and if you had the audacity to drop a pyramid into our town ruin our whole economic viability as a major hub of trade in this area and then bounce that's just rude it's it's just rude it's just rude you need to go to prison for or you need to go inside and deal with the issue you need to get rid of something what are the laws for like um for like big gladiator fights where you kill people now those are legal those

Those are legal? Yeah. Okay. So that's cool. Yeah. They consented to fighting those. Okay. Wait a second. You're explaining to me that all those people were consenting to fight and die. I like a majority of them were. Okay. Yeah. I nudged Daryl. Daryl. Yo. You never talk to cops. We're not talking until we have our lawyer present. Oh, yeah. What are the lawyers? I can't say lawyer.

What are the lawyers like in Neverwinter? Like, are there charming, roguish sort of defense attorneys that might fall in love with us or anything like that? And do they say, I object a lot. And then do they get a talking to by the judge? And do they have a twinkle in their eye? And are they like kind of like Richard Gere or like maybe sometimes Matthew McConaughey? Yeah.

Yeah, what are the odds of us getting off here? Lawyer. Yeah, we can provide you a lawyer. We have lawyers. All those words you said, I didn't understand maybe 90% of them. Lawyer, Dinas. If you let me arrest you, then yeah, you'll get a lawyer. No, lawyer. Gentlemen, I think that these people have a right to their anger at us.

And I am not going to raise a hand to stop them. At least not right now. I don't know what seeking justice means. If you really think, Daryl, that we shouldn't get arrested by these people. Daryl, if you really think that we shouldn't seek any kind of atonement for killing 200 fucking...

If you really can live with that and you were going to murder three more people in this town because of your goddamn fucking superiority bullshit, then be my guest. Kill all three of them. Execute these men right now. You're strong enough. Go do it. Or if you, maybe there's a shred of a conscience within you and you feel like the fact that innocent people died because of our actions and you want to

face some goddamn accountability about that. Maybe you could be a fucking man and we can fucking face consequences. We can face what we're doing. Maybe the fact that we're chasing our kids, maybe the fact that we're searching for five people doesn't excuse the fact that we committed an atrocity here.

I put up my hands. I surrender, please. I would strongly suggest that we don't allow ourselves to gently go into a law system. Glenn, have you ever been arrested? Doesn't seem like you have any desire to get picked up to go to court by a bunch of people who are okay with gladiator fights when we were trying to save our children. Surrender, please. So Peyton is looking up at Daryl and he's like, did you...

Did you guys kill a bunch of people? What happened when you were here? While they were trying to kill us, and I feel like this is a thing that's lost upon not just some of the people in our group, but maybe even the DM at times. While we were in the middle of a fight, we threw magic beans down, and a pyramid came out. And that seems to make some people think we should just...

Be quote unquote man. That's a very toxic masculine thing to say there, Henry, by the way. I believe that it might be coming from an element of privilege that you think you can just walk into a law system and think it's very just. I don't think that's the case. So, Peyton, yes, here's what happened. You tell me what you think. You know, God always said the minds of children, right? Come like lamb to Jesus. What about them? They're very pure. Oh, okay. And while we were getting attacked by these people for no reason, because we were just going to a dungeon trying to save our kids, and they had kidnapped our children. Right, right. Actually, Henry's kids.

We were in the middle of a fight. I threw some magic beans to help Henry out, and without knowing what they do, one of them turned into a pyramid. And then it crushed the tower, the torture tower, by the way, where we're being kept. And then, yes, some people died. And they were holding people against their will. And we were coming here to hopefully bring mercenaries to then get rid of the monster in the tower. Now...

I can't help but think that maybe some people are being a little judgmental because they have their own problems. Because I feel like that's a whole lot of shit that did not happen on purpose. And we've done pretty much everything we could to help people out. So, no, I'm not going to go, hey, Henry, if you want to go and turn yourself into this system that has orgies and murder as a punishment. And when I find your kids, I'll tell them, hey, their dad, he was really self-righteous and right about it when we get there and finally save them. Oh, my God. Okay. All right. Let's go.

everybody take a breath let's be cool let's be cool okay so my read of that is that you were in a really rowdy sitch and it got real bad and you did something kind of without thinking about it and a lot of people got hurt and it's not your fault that you did the rowdy thing without thinking about it but like it's a bummer oh yeah absolutely if you killed a bunch of people that's a bummer and like i don't know you guys are pretty good at beating ass

So, like, I feel like if you went in and it wasn't a cool situation with the lawn stuff, like, we could probably just leave. Yeah, I mean, like, we've had this bummer situation, as you said, Peyton, several times, and we've beaten ass every time. And here's the thing. There's a lot of talk.

of toxic masculinity around and I think that's wonderful and I think the manliest thing that a man can do is get arrested because it's really manly and cool and when you're a criminal people are like that man is a criminal and um I would like to get some jailhouse like taps

Well, we're not going to let you're not going to be you're not involved in this. But I feel like I would get hard at the clink. Yeah. No, you can come with it. Please. I would I would start like like lifted weights and stuff. Again, I think a very reasonable thing, which, you know, I'm not saying totally so. But as the original thing was to honk and like, you know, call them down so we could talk.

to them. I think a very reasonable thing to do is to communicate and talk to them in a way to figure out how to best solve this situation without possibly being either instantly killed or arrested. Because Peyton, saying that we could beat ass, I understand that. But I also would prefer not to have to beat ass because I will do anything to save my child. I want to talk to them and see if we can find a way to resolve this. So Dinas says, you mentioned you wanted to hire a

mercenaries. Well, any mercenaries have to have the approval of the local constable before they can actually do their work. Otherwise they could be doing crimes and stuff like that. And the constable has to approve those things. So even if you did want to hire some mercenaries, do whatever, kill a monster, whatever the hell you were saying, you'd have to talk to Boreanaz. Yeah. So you might as well just talk to Boreanaz. Yeah. So, so let's tell Boreanaz to come out here and talk to us. We're not going in. So roll a persuasion.

Came to the wrong room, motherfucker. A little thing called a bonafide organic and natural 20. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. So Dinas talks to one of the other, the blue coats and says, yeah, go back to town, get Boreanaz, bring him out here, bring as many guards as you want. And so no, he comes alone.

No, you can. I mean, yeah. I mean, if he whatever makes him feel safe to come and talk to us. I can tell him he comes alone, but there's no way he's going to do that. Like, I don't know. He seemed kind of roguish and like, you know, anything. He's his own man. He solves his own problems and he he doesn't like feeling good or happy. He always had a team around him.

of roughly four to five other people. Yeah. Pretty cool. Quick dad huddle. Dad huddle. See, you have a whole dad huddle. I still have guys with knives to my side. Yeah, you have two guys. I'm not joining the dad huddle. They're not arranging. They're still using Henry's collateral. Okay, so we're going to do this, right? We need a dad huddle. We kind of need him. We'll actually put him back. You can just talk. Just talk to him. Defeats the purpose of it. Are you guys dads? I was. Yeah. No, I already played that joke with Cern. No, we're not dads. Well...

All right, just close your ears. So, holding the knife with one hand, he plugs one of his ears with his other hand and tries to put his remaining ear on his shoulder. I plug the other guy's ears. I'm like, I'm sorry about this. Very helpful. Okay, first of all, I'd like to start the dad hole by saying I'm sorry that I blew my stack. And you are absolutely right to call me out that saying that you should act like a man is a...

and shitty way to phrase what I was trying to say, which is that I think it's important that we act like adults in this situation. And I could tell that I had gotten, as the boys say when they're playing their video games, a little tilted. So I decided, you know, it was time to take a breather and let you guys talk. And I'm very happy with how you guys handled the situation.

Hey, man, we all get heated. I look at the two guards like, I'm just going to punch him in the shoulder. Is that cool? Don't, like, stab him or anything. Don't hit him that hard. I don't want to get blamed for, like, beating up a criminal. I appreciate it. I didn't mean to get heated at you either, Henry. It is, as they say, all good. Because you're right. This is a wild town. And they were clearly up to a lot of bad stuff when we got here. Yeah.

And they were going to commit genocide. I'm not in favor of throwing myself at the mercy of a system we know nothing about. And I think you were, I got very emotional and you were very right to point that out to me. I'm going to be honest and say that I have not slept well thinking about the people that got crushed by the giant pyramid that we dropped. I almost lost one of my boys.

in that pyramid, as you may recall. And I remember the fear in my heart as I was digging through that rubble to try to find him and the relief that I felt when I got him out. And then I thought about how many parents like CERN who did not get to have that when they lost their loved ones in that pyramid, whether what they were doing beforehand was evil or not. That doesn't feel right to me. And maybe it is selfish. I think you're right that it is selfish and it does not take priority over saving our own children. I do wish to unburden myself of that guilt however I can.

I agree that I, I will never sleep in. I knowing what we did to CERN, but I just know that this town was literally going to commit genocide at any moment. So I just don't feel comfortable walking up to, I seem to remember going up this tower and seeing a room full of people about to be executed. So like the net of that is there would,

have been dead anyway if we hadn't showed up. Henry, I'd just like to say, Henry, you're the best darn guy I know in this whole world. And if you go to prison, you're not going to be able to make this place better. So I'm just saying the four of us, we need to stick together and we need to do everything we can to make this place a better place. And hearing Daryl say that Henry's the best darn guy he knows, Henry reaches out and grabs Daryl's sunglasses and puts them on.

And says, thank you, Daryl. I appreciate that. Guys, I'm kind of bored and I was wondering if I could just go find Boreanaz. Okay, so Boreanaz comes back with... Hey, Ron, did you find him? Yeah, I found him. Boreanaz comes back flanked by a dozen bluecoats and he looks significantly worse since the last time you saw him. But still hot, though. He's still hot, but in a, like, hungover detective kind of way. A SEAL Team 6 sort of way. A SEAL Team 6 sort of way.

A sort of like latter seasons of Bones sort of way when he sort of didn't care so much and knew they were getting renewed no matter what kind of way. He basically just looks really tired. You smell the alcohol before you even see him. Oh, no. His clothes are all raggedy and shit. He looks like he hasn't slept in a really long time. And he goes like, oh, look who it is.

the daddies. Is he a little drunk? Yeah. As far as you can tell, he's stumbling. He's just wearing a booze-scented cologne. And he goes like, look, you came back. You gonna kill the rest of us? You gonna help me summon the for reals? Or like, what's the deal?

I mean, one of those two things, just to clarify, one of those two things be the same thing, kill the rest of you or summon the doodler whose purpose was to what? No, the purpose of the doodler. The purpose of the doodler. We discovered a new Anthony voice. Was to change the world and remake it and make everything better. But instead, you brought in a big pyramid with a thing inside that I thought maybe is the doodler.

Maybe the thing inside is the doodler. And we said people in and they didn't come back. But it's not a doodler. It's just a mummy lord. And so now no one wants to live here. And I look like an asshole. Guys, he's really drunk. So maybe if we just sort of like snap our fingers and then do a little ta-da sound. I'm not drunk. You're drunk. Don't tell me that I'm drunk.

Fuck off. Okay. Here's what I want. What do you want, David? I want you to clear out the pyramid. Buddy, that's what we were here for, buddy. That's literally... Why else would we be here? I talked to Benedict Cabbage Patch. You're talking right now. And he said that you were here to hire...

soldiers. Yeah, to clear out the pyramid. Do we have any water in the car for David? Here's some water in a cliff bar. I have water and he like shows a flask and like... No, no, no. I have water. David, honey, you need to sit down. Somebody roll persuasion. Somebody roll hold his hair back.

I got a natural one. And he goes, no, you're right. I haven't hydrated in a while. And he uncorks the flask and goes, oh, jeez. Clearly not why. He goes, oh, so much better. What if we just hired a bunch of mercenaries and cleared it out for you? I mean, you know, I'm sure that you have had difficulty like levying taxes due to, you know, poor leadership. Yes, extremely that. But we got the solution right here. What really chaps

My perfectly toned ass is that you didn't hang around to see what a bummer it was with the mummy. What do you mean it was fine? You said when we left, you were like super happy with it. Yeah, because I thought it was the jeweler. First of all, I was not going to be doing much standing around because I nutted myself pretty bad with my chucks.

And you kind of like left. Glenn brought the receipts. Glenn knows exactly what happened. No, I remember you nutting yourself for that. It was good. It was fun. It was what made me convince that the world had changed because basically Applejuice started jizzing out of a pyramid that appeared randomly. My whole perception of the world changed in that one night. But then it turns out the world is the same. Which way is the pyramid and the mummy? It's in the center of town. Okay. Okay.

Which way is that? Behind me. Okay. So, David, you're telling us if we clear out this place for you, and if we go in and do it, that we get the mercenaries, which we can use to march on the castle. I will give you permission to hire me. We kill this mummy that's been cursing the town. You get the treasure inside, even. That was our plan. It was for you guys to have the treasure. I love that plan. And then, on, I would say, one condition.

I think David Boreanaz, you need to step down as ruler of Neverwinter. I think David. David. David. Why? David. Why? Where has Drunk Anthony been my whole life? David, you know, you said you want the whole world to change. Yeah. Well, I'm asking you to start with the man in the mirror.

I'm asking you to change your ways. David Boreanaz does not have a reflection. Is he a vampire? No, wait, no. He's not a vampire. He is. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change. That's a little song called The Man in the Mirror by a man whose own lifestyle maybe doesn't sync up with it. But I think there's words of wisdom there. Also, Will is clearly looking at the lyrics on Google right now. I bet.

Maybe you should start by working on yourself and reforming the world within before you try to reform the world without, my friend. Yeah. Honestly, that sounds great. I want to do a sage wisdom roll for that. What would that be? I feel like that's persuasion. That's persuasion, but it's true. How could it be persuasion if it's true? Because it's not deception. Well, that time I got a 16.

Okay. I'm going to roll to see if I can get away from everybody and start heading toward the pyramid. Okay, go ahead. I mean, are you trying to make a stealthy thing of it? No, I'm just going to walk away. You just walk away. Okay, cool. Oh, well, anyway, Ron's walking away. But guys, that sounds like a pretty good deal to me. So Boreanaz points at Ron. He's like, is somebody going to... Hey, Ron, where are you going? That's the weird one. I'm going to talk to mommy. Ron, I don't think you should do that on your own. I'm going to see what's under wraps here. Oh, God.

Yeah, I'm going to head towards this pyramid. Anyway, see you later, guys. If you want to help, that's cool. See, that's why he was my favorite. So are we good to follow? I mean, Mr. Pornhouse, are we good to follow? If you want me, if you want us to give you an escort into town, we will escort you to the pyramid. And then once you come out holding the mummy's head. No, guys, the pyramid's this way. I'll escort you. We'll all go together so you don't run again in your horse, in your big white horse suit.

It smells good. It does. Thank you. What are we talking about? Go back to town. So I forget. Did you say you're going to not become leader after this? Yeah, I'll quit. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Why not? I don't know if he's even going to remember this. So maybe we should have this conversation when he sobers up. Yeah. As far as you can tell right now, he believes it. But like, who knows? Is this going to get, you know, blinked away in the hangover? Who knows?

All right. Well, I guess let's let's pack up. I go ahead and I grab some water bottles for everybody. I'll carry Ron's and I get some cliff bars. I go, let's go after Ron later. OK. All right. So we go up to the pyramid, I guess. But how far? I mean, we have to chase after like Ron. Did you start running? Are you just ahead of us? No, I think I'm just walking. OK, I run to catch up with Ron. We all do a quick jog to catch up with Ron. So I've sent you an email.

So on the outside of the pyramid, you see what I emailed you on some sort of tablet that's been attached to the pyramid, but the tablet is clearly broken. And this is all you can see on the part that remains. And so to describe it for the people listening at home, I didn't get an email. Am I off the podcast? It may take a second to go because the internet is slow. I'm off the podcast. I'm sorry. Uh,

Oh, yeah, this email says best off the podcast. Yeah, sorry, this is how I chose to tell you. So it's basically three lines. The first line has the letters E-N-G-E space O. The second line has U-M. And the third line has H-E space R-I. Engi-O. Um, he-ry. Guys, it says M-Bop-O.

And the entrance is a little bit dark, but you can just go in. There's no door stopping you from going in or whatever. Hey, were we going to do mercenaries or we just going in solo boys? Well, I think, Hey David, can we, can we, can we have a bunch of mercenaries to go in with us?

Please. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you could pay them for this, but then this would be the job, and then you wouldn't be able to buy more mercenaries afterwards. Could we buy, I want one, I want 20 mercenaries, but each one from a different location for Gonerals with a different accent. With a different accent, yeah. Let me go check with Benedict Cabbage Pack. Oh, no, I'm sorry. We only have guys who sound exactly like me. I'm so sorry. If you wait for a week, I can get guys from all around with Danish accents. Is he the Bullywog?

Oh, shit. That was Walter the Immoral. I thought that was... Oh, maybe he did. I can't remember. Yeah, he sounded like that. Anyway, sorry. Three voices. I haven't yet had an opportunity for you guys to meet a Danish boy. Yes, please. What? That's so German, though. He's a Danish boy because you do this with the ish-ish. Before we decide whether to go in with mercenaries, maybe...

this plaque intrigues me. It seems like there's letters missing. It reminds me of like one of the little bits they would do in one of my favorite series of movies, The Mummy. And considering that this is like a mummy type situation, you know, in those movies, there'd be like a cryptic riddle or some kind of curse and you'd have to like unlock it. And then, you know, I always remembered that the people who plowed in heedlessly without trying to decipher the message on the outside of the tomb usually met like a bad end. So behind you, Boreanaz goes, oh, right, right, right, right, right. I forgot the

So pretty much everybody that's come in hasn't come out, but there was one guy who said that like pretty much halfway in, there were like sacred texts

And that those are supposed to like help you like unravel the mystery and figure out how to survive. So there are some sacred texts you probably want to find. I think I'll lead you to the mummy Lord. I continue. Is this one of them? Did we find one already with this thing on the, I know. I mean, this is just, I guess this is, I don't know. Oh wait. And you said that it's like a partial thing. It's like things are missing from it. Clearly this was part of some sort of like tablet that like broke. Is it broken on both sides? Yes. On the edges. So you're looking at the middle of the thing. Hmm.

Revenge of the Sith is the best Star Wars movie. Yeah, that's crazy. It fits right in. Red Rum. Surprise. This has all been a long game about how much I love Revenge of the Sith. Execute Order 66, Freddy. Yes. Only a Dungeon Master deals in absolutes.

Uh, Eng definitely is revenge or something like that. Well, it wouldn't be mom. Well, I guess we should go in. I guess what I'm saying. Avenge old mummy. He rises. Ooh, he rises. She rises. She rises. Oh, the right. Are you going to go inside? Something to the right. Yeah. It does seem like, especially now that we're a little bit less cash heavy than we were when we started this misadventure, that maybe we should save, uh,

the... I don't know. I'm getting kind of like a trap vibe from this place. Considering that a bunch of guys have gone in and haven't come out, I don't know that we need to... So you're saying one person did come out? Yeah. Bring him to us. Okay. Just a second. And so he brings back a small little Danish-looking boy. What's his name? His name... His name, as submitted by Rachel Fenneman, is Sexcalibur Rosspower. What?

Sex Caliber? Yes, that is my name. Hi there, buddy. Daryl Wilson, that's the me. You may call me Caliber for short. Can you say that name again? Sex Caliber Horsepower? Do you have a nickname? Yes, it is Caliber. Is this sexy horse? Mind if I call you Cal? Cal is a wonderful nickname. Mind if I call you Sex? I would mind that very much. I would prefer not to be called Sex. Okay, well... Can you just say Stroopwafel for me? Stroopwafel? Stroopwafel?

Could you say I rode the bicycle by the canals and went to buy some Stroopwafel? I could. Glenn, is that why you brought him here? Is that why you brought him here? Hey, listen. I think Ron was going to ask a question. Yeah. Could you just read what this should be?

I do not know. I went in. I was an intern for the archaeologists at Venton, and they all died, and I just ran as fast as I could. So you said texts. Yes, there were some texts inside that seemed to have some letters missing. Different than these. This thing on the outside, I just don't know. It seems to be the name of the pyramid, I guess. I don't know. Maybe the person that made it. I have no way of knowing.

But inside there was, there were some traps. There were traps. And then, and the other side of the traps, there were, there was the secret texts that seemed to be a lot of interest to the archaeologist's friend. But then they went forward and they went into a very dark tunnel with a bridge. And then I heard screaming and they disappeared. So maybe they just had a really good time.

Sorry, what? Maybe they just had a really good time. It's possible they are still there just enjoying themselves. Is it like tight space in there? No, actually not at all. There's like puzzles and stuff? Uh, yeah. I was just thinking, have you guys ever done these escape rooms?

I know, you know, I've been wanting to do one, but company did one and it was fun. But like there was like it was like a group of 10. And when it was done, I couldn't help like all her friends. I overheard friends talking. They're like, I think there's like one too many people in there, you know, and I was thinking like, you know, it's like if you have too many people in an escape room, it's not very fun.

I think life is an escape room. Am I right? Oh, I have an idea. Maybe we don't need mercenaries is my point. Maybe we could put the mercenaries on retainer. And hear me out. We run a very long string with a tin can on either end. And we bring it in with us. And if we get into a dicey situation, we can shout into the tin can, help mercenaries help. And the mercenaries will rush in and help us. And that'll be the job.

I like to say maybe you do one of those things where, like, you touch fingertips to fingertips and you make, like, a snake from where you go. So, one, we won't get lost if there's, like, a maze in there because we'll literally have a string of people. And then also, if there's a problem, you just tug on their hand and be like, everybody come in and help out. Well, okay. Sexcalibur, did you help with any of the question word, the sacred text word tricks? No. Again, I was just an intern. I was writing down what they found there. Fetching coffees? Um...

Okay, can we like read that? Yeah, if you wish, yes. I will give you the translation. So it seemed to be a very large paragraph that was missing every shirt letter. Every shirt letter. Shirt letter? Yes, every shirt letter seemed to be gone. But this was near where they disappeared from. So it's basically a lot of gibberish. Now I'm thinking about this, probably shouldn't have put it in an audio podcast because it's a full paragraph of things where the third letter is missing. Okay.

It's like this, uh, uh, hug, head, all or what we dumpty, etc. Like shit like that. Okay. We'll put it onto our Patreon or something. Listen, if we're going to start buying on these mercenaries, we might as well use them and test them out on this thing here. See if they're trustworthy and if they're good, we'll take them along with us to like Ravenloft and stuff. So the way mercenaries works, you pay them by the day, right? Yeah. So it's 10, 10 gold a day. What if we call it an internship?

Yeah, we'll call it an internship. We don't have to pay them and then they work for us and they give us all of their expertise and they probably do more work than we do and then we don't have to respect them quite as much. Glenn is already sketching out like a tour poster where it's like you want to work for the

baddest dudes and it's like cool drawings of all of us. So Benedict Cabbage Patch is still here if you want to try to convince him to do an internship. Yeah. We're looking for a social media rock star to join our team. We're looking for a self-starter with thick skin. Because there's traps that'll cut your skin. Who isn't afraid of ambiguity and not...

I literally saw that on a job post once. Isn't afraid of ambiguity. And I'm just like, I'm like, sorry that I'm suing you already. So I think we have about like the equivalent of like $300,000 more or less. Yeah. Cause we had 1.7 wiped out. Yeah. More of a reason to not pay interns. Yeah.

So yeah, we could definitely hire some. I mean, yeah, I guess we still have plenty of money to add. You're writing this down, Benedict, right? Like a go-getter who can hang in a fast-paced competitive environment. I have mercenaries for any occasion you could wish, but we do generally, we work for payment, for gold. But have you ever considered working for exposure? Exposure and experience. We need somebody who can anticipate the needs of this campaign. No.

Now, why on earth would we need to explain? We are world-renowned amongst the most cost-favorite. There will be light administrative work. Well, but here's the thing, Bandit. I'm not asking for your rock stars. I'm asking for growth hackers. You know what I mean? Like the kinds of folks who are looking to get their feet wet in the mercenary business. Like this Danish kid here. Yeah, see, it's the people who want to level up their skills. Yeah.

yes yes so go ahead and roll persuasion on him I feel more morally disgusted by this than by dropping the pyramid I'm gonna roll for synergy uh that was my persuasion roll seven plus nine uh sixteen sixteen okay so he'll roll opposed I guess insight

So he goes like, I have one man who might fit the bill. Yes, yes, yes. And so he goes and he comes back. So Camden Hulk sent us a name for a description and it was just Doug. So Doug just shows up. I don't even know his last name. Yeah. He's just, I'm Doug.

Doug, the intern. What's going on? Hey, quick download. With Doug? No, not with Doug. Doug starts coming in and he's like, yeah, what's up? Doug, you can stay in. This is like an upper level meeting, Doug. Yeah, Doug. Hey, the room's taken. Can you get us some coffees? I hate us. Sure, I'll be right back. So, Ron, I know you're the businessman, but I just want to understand what, and Glenn, you guys have hired interns. I haven't, honestly. I'm mostly at home and stuff. Sorry, we've hired team players. Okay, I just want to.

We do have... Excuse me, we've hired Doug. I got four black coffees. Do you guys want the coffee? Oh, okay. Fast as hell. Yeah. Wow, Doug's a good intern. Thanks, Doug. He's like, this is Doug. Have you not met Doug? He's great. I could go for a coffee, too. I'll be right back. I just want to... We do have like $300,000. Do we want just Doug for free, or do we want to spend a little bit on...

I'm like, well, you know, right here, man, I can hear you. Well, you know, I read this thing. Have you fought a lot? Uh, I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, I, I, I have, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, yeah, no.

I think we need to save as much money as we can for this is rough. I think we need to save as much money as we can for the Neverwinter campaign. And really what's worth more? Not the Neverwinter, the Barovia. Barovia. And really what's worth more? $300,000 or the chance to be on a team like ours? Also getting the phone number of an important person.

I'm going to write my phone number on that coffee cup, by the way. Excuse me, Doug. Can I grab that coffee cup? Yeah, please. Doug, are you good at puzzles? Oh, yeah. I beat ass puzzles. What does that mean? I mean, that means I do the jumble every day. All right. What's the jumble in this world? Jumble is a guy comes up to you and he says a bunch of words out of order and you got to understand what he's actually saying. Oh, well, that could be helpful. That actually is pretty helpful. Yeah. The only thing I was concerned about is that you're as strong as your weakest link. I just want to make sure that we didn't put him in harm's way. But like, if you're going to puzzles.

Like, if he's a puzzle guy, my vote is we save our money for... We're going to need as many resources as we can to mount this assault on... Human resources especially. I was going to suggest we just ask Benedict whatever is the cabbage patch who the smartest and best at puzzles was. But if that... Like, Doug's pretty good. We, like... Worse, Doug's the worst. If we get into trouble, we send Doug back out with some money to get more mercenaries to bring us in. Guys, can we pay Doug? Doug, we're going to pay you 10 pounds. We're going to pay you 10. Whoa, whoa.

Good on you. Good on you. Yeah. We're going to give you a 10 gold per diem, I guess, depending on how it goes in here. Cool. Cool. Cool. And this can come out of our cut. Daryl and I can split it two ways if you guys don't feel comfortable. All right. So what are we doing? I think we

So Doug, our social media manager and growth hacker is coming in with us to help solve these puzzles. Street team Doug here. He's going to be our street team in that if we get into trouble, he's going to run out into the street and get the mercenaries to come in. Doug, Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. I put my hand out. Doug.

Doug, nice to meet you, buddy. We're going to give you five up front, and if you do a good job, you're going to get the whole ten, and this is the team. This is who you're working for. I'm Daryl. Why don't you introduce yourself? Hey, guys. Hey, Doug. I'm Henry. I consider myself the fun laid-back one of the group, so if you want to just goof around and maybe tell some jokes, you got some funny jokes, you can tell them about me, and I'll test them out for you before we try them out on the other tats. Henry's never talked to an intern before, and he's trying to come off relatable, and he's very nervous.

Doug, I take my coffees with two creams, two sugars. I ran Doug a business card and then I point to myself and I'm like, we'll reimburse you for mental gas. If you're really working hard on these riddles, we might throw a little cat scratcher away. And that's a trick question because Egyptians were often buried with their cats. All right, let's go. Okay, so if you... Pay them way outside.

I'm coming with you. We can't bring Peyton in. Who are you going to trust me with? You just said this whole place is dangerous and weird. Do you like that funny speaking kid? That Dutch kid? That funny speaking kid. I'm right here. How dare you say that? What's your name again? Cal. My name is Cal. I didn't see you there. Hey, me and Peyton, you guys are about the same age, right? No, I'm 25 years old. Oh. Oh.

Ultimate dad move. Sorry about that. Whatever you want.

Do you have any kids? Yes. Oh, how old are they? They're seven and eight. Doing the math? Okay. It was okay. Yeah. It was a little early, but I loved him very much. I'm still married to my wife. Oh, okay. His name is like Sex Billionaire. Sex Calibur. It's not once you have kids you change your name to Sex Billionaire. No, I'm just saying that he has a name that implies that he, you know, like, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised if a guy named Sex Calibur had kids. My name is Sex Calibur Hiroshipower.

Matt, what's your post-post kid name? Yeah, that's actually something they don't tell you. Once you have a kid, you change your name. You change to a sexier name. My name now is Matthew V. Ryan. Hey.

Hey, check this out, Peyton. These aren't a bunch of mercenaries. They could probably teach you to fight, give a bunch of good lessons. Oh, yeah. Maybe, Peyton, maybe we can do an intern swap. Yeah. And Peyton can, for the course of this adventure, intern with the mercenaries and learn some cool fighting stuff from the mercenaries. How'd you like that, Peyton? Yeah. That sounds pretty boss, actually. Yeah. It's pretty cool. All right. Peyton, did you just hold yourself back from swearing, bro?

God, am I going soft? Yeah, you are, dude. Say whatever the fuck you want. Hey, no, you shouldn't encourage the young man to swear. I feel bad enough even when I do that. I've been cussing up a storm. I got a whole bunch of money to donate to the swear jar when I get home. I've been keeping track of every single one. Payton, don't do it. Payton, don't do it.

Frick. Okay. That's pushing it. That's okay. Good job. All right. I believe you were going to say something. I was just going to say that we should make Doug like ultra sweary and then we won't feel so bad about Peyton swearing because it's a whole intern exchange. Fuck my butt. Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, my dick. Doug's a grown up. Doug, Doug, Doug. I don't have to like it, but Doug can swear.

So Cash Bash, Mr. Cash Bash, it's okay if Payton stays here with you? Yes, this can be some sort of work trading arena. Train the child. Yeah, sort of intern swap scenario. I'll live with it. All right. All right, Payton. All right, Payton, get really good at combat. See ya. Yeah, I'll try my best. I mean, I'm already great at combat. What are you fucking talking about? Better at combat. Ah, there's that curse again. Yeah, fuck it. Hey! Keeping track of those.

Okay, let's go. Let's go inside this fucking pyramid. You guys didn't see it, but Anthony looked sad at himself. Let's go inside this fucking pyramid. Let's do it. So as you walk into the pyramid, you see... And we can just walk in? Yeah, there's no door. It's just this big archway. There's no like speak, friend, and enter? No. So you basically walk in... I say the elven word for friend regardless just as I walk through. The dumbest riddle of all fucking time. Nice job, Tolkien. Is it dumber than what's in my pocket?

No. Second dumbest riddle of all time. Wait, what is in your pocket? It's right now nothing.

I'm holding all my dice like a maniac. Not that my dice would be in my pocket. Is it less weird if you're holding all your dice in your pocket? Just a cool guy walking down the street with my dice in my pocket. Hey, man, in case an orc attacks me, I gotta be able to roll for initiative. I keep my d20 on my right and also my d8 and my d4 in my left pocket. Okay, so as you walk... I got pocket protection for my dice. Is that a d4 in your pocket or are you just very poorly endowed?

Okay, so you walk into the pyramid and you see that like the pyramid is actually really, really... Fuck, how do I best describe this? Triangular. So it's basically, it seems to be hollow almost in a sense. Like it's not like you think of a pyramid, you think of like... Oh man, it's like the Luxor in Vegas, man. It's like the first thing everyone builds in Minecraft. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. It's like got a really high ceiling and stuff, but it's pretty dark.

So you can only see a couple feet in front of you. And as you walk forward, your thighs bump into like a little, like a metal, these like waist high, like metal gates that don't seem to, but as you walk around them, you see, they don't seem to block off anything. There's individual little lengths of gates. I'm so scared. What is happening? I think Freddie figured it out.

You can just barely make out as your eyes begin to adjust to the darkness that like going all throughout this pyramid in this weird, like circuitous kind of path are a lot of a bunch of these little waist high metal like barricades that don't actually seem to block off anything. Like you're like initially when you bump in, you're like, oh, it's a gate that's like preventing entrance, but it's not. It's just there in the center of this pack. Like an amusement park line. Yeah.

So we're in a room. There's a bunch of waist-high barriers leading up to something. Yeah. As you follow them, you can see that they're leading to a series of, like, these, like...

Like a bunch of seats next to each other and like four, like rows of four, like three rows of four. And a tunnel that just descends into darkness almost immediately. You can't see further into the night. Go ahead. I can make, so as I walk in, I realize the thing at the front of the pyramid, it says, I think it was Revenge of the Mummy, the ride. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

*laughing*

Welcome back. Happy New Year, everyone. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold. That's Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Thanks this week to CamdenHulk.com.

DENIS CARLSON AND RACHEL FENNEMAN FOR SUBMITTING NAMES WE USED IN THIS EPISODE. THANKS ALSO TO ASHTON LANDAU, CHASE JOHNSON, IKARIS DEL SOL, JEFFREY TUCKER, AND JOEL AGELSOFT WHO ARE ALL PATREON SUPPORTERS AND WHO ALL IN THEIR OWN WAY MAKE THIS SHOW POSSIBLE WITH THEIR SUPPORT. YOU TOO CAN BE AS COOL AS THEY ARE AT PATREON.COM SLASH DUNGEONS AND DADS WHERE YOU CAN ALSO DOWNLOAD THE REST OF AT THE MOUNTAINS OF DADNESS THE CALL OF KUTULU PREQUEL CAMPAIGN BY BECOMING A PATRON AT ANY LEVEL AND WHILE YOU'RE A PATRON

Why not check out all the great extra dad content, everything from newsletters written by the dads to behind-the-scenes discussions that we record immediately after each episode and available only to our Patreon supporters. The other way you can hear the rest of At the Mountains of Dadness, by the way, is heading over to our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com, where you can do a digital download and peruse our fine enamel pin merch.

We're going to be doing some more cool dad merch in the next month or so. And by the way, Patreon supporters get first crack at getting their hands on that stuff too. So have yourself a look. We are Dungeons and Daddies on Twitter. Bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads for that private Facebook group and r slash Dungeons and Daddies for that subreddit. Next full episode is coming out January 21st, which will be our one year anniversary. That's right. We've been here chugging dice for a full lap around the sun. So we'll see you then. There was a time we'd meet between

I have a question that could ruin this podcast. Do you guys laugh a little extra hard? Like for other people, like when they make a joke, like do you sweeten your laughs? I mean, I know you do.

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