Ep. 33 - Anchor Management
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That's BlueNile.com. Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Welcome to the Great Arkish Cooking Show. I'm your host, Paul Hollywood. Today, we're talking to you, the listener. You're on. Hi, my name is Gnar Gnar. I am about to do a pretty dank barbecue with like four dads and their ugly, weird little children. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. And I'm just wondering, sort of, how would you recommend...

Spicing them, flavoring them. Like, I rubbed a little bit of butter on them. That's nice, but, like, there could be a little more pizzazz to it. You need to use more butter. I don't know how much you use. You want more. No such thing as too much butter when it comes to humans. Well, not to interrupt you, but it looks like they're kind of trying to escape the cage that we built, which I'm a little bit worried about because I feel like that might give them a soggy bottom, not that dome shape that I'm sort of looking for. What should I do about that?

Actually, no. You want them to run around and escape. It really gets the adrenaline and the blood pumping, and you can just get way more juice out of those thighs. It's way more flavor. You want them running around for at least 10 to 15 minutes before you chop their heads off and throw them back in the cage. That's a huge relief. Ooh, also, they sort of have half fallen into the pit, and it seems like they're going to take roughly an episode's length to get back out again. That's kind of

Oh, perfect, perfect. I'm feeling a little nauseous, though. I don't know if it's watching my food run around or it's the beer that I had. It tastes a little bit... A little bit... I've been poisoned! Oh, my God! Oh, no!

Such a bummer. We're going to take a quick break, but when we come back, everyone knows the five flavors, but did you know there's a sixth flavor? It's just blood. It's just the taste of blood. We'll be right back. ♪♪♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, and finally a D&D... Hold on, let me just... I got an email here. Oh, this is from Wizards. Per the last episode, you guys didn't follow any of the rules. We're jumping five... Oh, we're not a D&D podcast, Amo. We're back to being just a regular... Okay. All right. Well, I guess... I almost interrupted you because I didn't get that it was part of the intro. That's right. We're doing bits now. Wait, Freddie, you're reading emails? We're recording. Okay.

This is a podcast where we play some kind of role-playing system. It's about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bar dad of the group. This was Glenn fact. Glenn, as you know, is a bit of a stoner, a bit of a pothead. And you know that he has attempted that hydro, that sticky, icky grow it at home because he wants to control the strains. He has this idea of like making his own strain. Yeah.

of the sticky icky of the kush. It's too bad because I was like, 101 Dalmatians is a good name for a strain of weed. He's never been able to do it because little does he know, it's important what light bulbs you use and he doesn't understand that and he's too proud to like Google how to properly hydro. So he's just like, it just doesn't work. Huh? Oh, well, it must be the water or something. No, he's wrong. It's just like, he's not using the right light bulbs because he's kind of an idiot. All right. Dang. Okay.

My dad fact is pretty similar. It has a lot to do with gardening as well. So, hi, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. Just a really quick, simple dad fact. Despite what Daryl looks like and kind of his general persona, he is, let's just say, he takes care of himself down there. La masque. Oh, no. All right. Good for him. Very, very well groomed.

Oh, man. Are we talking like a design? That's the whole fact. He just takes care of himself down there. High speed, low drag. I was thinking it came from like a white elephant at like one of Carol's work parties. And like he got like a grooming kit as a joke. One day he was just like, you know, in the bathroom. He's like, let me just see how this thing works. It just got really. He's like, it looks great down there. Now I'm really into this. And Carol liked it. I have a question. So has he been manscaping during the whole adventure? Yeah.

No, it's really itchy down there right now. Okay. You know how you watch like The Walking Dead or Lost and stuff like that? And it's like these people are walking around with like bullet wounds, open bullet wounds. But somehow the women are finding time to like whack their legs and shave their armpits. And I'm just like, I'm sorry, what?

Or even the buff guys, they got that V. And it's like that V is not showing when there's a whole lot of hair growing. That's for sure. So I don't believe that at all. Yeah. Nobody gets periods in the apocalypse. The V. Yeah. Maybe Daryl will find some time on the adventure to clean up down there. No, please no. Has Daryl experimented with like a topiary approach? Like, is it like a nice sphere of, you know what I mean? I'm not going to go into the details of what he does down there. That's just for Carol's eyes only. But, you know, he takes care of himself. Stay tuned, though.

Stay tuned. I have so many follow-up questions. Are we talking shaved? Are we talking trimmed? I'm really thrilled to see the fan art after this. No, no, no. No, please don't. Please don't. You have said it, Beth, and now it exists. What's the rule? It's like rule 34, right?

or whatever. Rule 34. This is rule. Yeah, it's that you can find exactly the shape of everyone's ding dong downstairs ding dong pubis like and the shape thereof. That's not rule 34. It's weird how much that's a huge part of all fan art depictions of like fictional characters like Sonic's got a big old fucking bush like a big old blue bush down there, dude. Yeah, Freddie would know he's looking all the time. He is so stunned. Can we cancel this podcast?

Is this quarantine or is this just Freddy? All right. All right. Fuck it. Freddy brought it up. Freddy, are you implying that Sonic doesn't have fur? He has pubic hair around his genitalia? Yeah, because isn't any hair in the pubic area pubic hair? Sonic doesn't have genitals. I've seen a fair number of pictures that would disprove that assertion, Matt. I watched the movie. I watched the movie.

And Jim Carrey, you know, talked about breastfeeding, but there was no mention of breastfeeding.

Sonic's genitals and you saw him like 360 sensors it but the original art if you go back to the woodblock prints like the Japanese woodblock it's got a big old fucking forgotten dreams there's an illustration of Sonic going fast and shaving his pubes on that note I'm Will Campos I play Henry Oak hippie munching Birkenstock rockin crunchy nature druid dad I don't

think we need to even I was gonna be like oh Henry's dad factually but you guys all already know whether or not Henry trims his yeah I think we all we all in our hearts know the answer to that question and I don't need to delve into it he cleans it with it like a porous stone or something he just like fucking hits it with the pumice yep that's right it's pumice no sensitivity left whatsoever he wasn't circumcised but over the years oh no what does that mean Christ

Oh my. What does that mean? Get it together.

Welcome to the series finale of Dungeons and Diaries. Will, do you have an actual dad fact? Because I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to get this podcast back on track. All right. Thank you, Beth. So I actually feel like I've been doing silly dad facts for a while, so I had a more thoughtful one that my co-host decided to make the episode about Sonic the Hedgehog's zone, his Green Hill Zone, if you will. His Green Hill Zone! His Green Hill Zone!

Oh, no. My dad fact for Henry this week is so I think I've mentioned on the podcast before that Henry is a teetotaler. I don't know if I've talked about it specifically, but he does not anymore partake in anything hallucinogenic or mind altering. And I'd like to tell you why. And it's because of the last time Henry did that.

He was a young man in his early 20s, and he did, let's say, a mind-altering substance and woke up in the middle of a forest that he had never seen before. He couldn't recognize it. He was completely naked. Shaved. I'm done. I'm done. Sorry, sorry. You look at the Zoom camera, you see me walk away, and she never comes back.

He wandered the forest for like probably about three or four days before he found anyone. Three or four days? He was just basically starving, dehydrated, exhausted before he was found by two hikers. One of the hikers went up to him and said, what's your name? And he said, my name's Henry. And she said, hi, Henry. My name is Mercedes Oak Garcia. Let's get you to a hospital. And thereupon, Henry said, oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She said, I'm Mercedes Oak Garcia? Shut up.

That lady knew what she wanted. I am blowing this dad back so hard. That was good. It was the future. She called a shot. The ultimate flex. No, she said, I'm Martin Mercedes Garcia. Thank you for catching that, Anthony. So my mentions won't explode after this. In that case, I'm Beth May B. Jordan.

No, that's impressive. She saw one glimpse of your naked body and was like, I'm marrying that man. That's mine. Anyway, Henry passed out very shortly thereafter. And when he woke up in a hospital bed a couple weeks later, she was there. And they've been together ever since. Wow. Yeah. That's cute. So there you go. Hey, I'm Beth May Gyllenhaal. Ha ha ha.

And I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. This week's dad fact for Ron, I alluded to last episode. And what I guess listening back was like, it sounded like it could have been kind of creepy, but I said that Ron was...

arrested at one of Terry's soccer games. And the reason that he was arrested was for stealing the corner flags of the field. He just thought it would look good in the yard. And so and then wait, that's an arrestable offense. I think it is when Ron does it, because like if the ref is like, sir, sir, you actually can't. Hey, can you can you bring that back?

No, I found it here and it's a field. It belongs in the field at my house. Also known as a yard. Oh my God, is Ron a sovereign citizen? Free state of Ron. That reminded me that my favorite sound in the world, I've told Will and Matt this, but my favorite sound in the world is the word sir repeated three times in increasing urgency.

because it means that like shit's going down and someone is helpless to stop it so specifically it's sir sir sir like that is like the funniest sound in the world if you hear that in the wild i used to hear that all the time when i was like an internet production company i had to do a lot of runs meaning i had to park in a lot of illegal spots and i would just hear ma'am

Excuse me. Excuse me. You can't. You cannot. Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. Sir. Sir. Sir. Hi, I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And my dad fact for this week is that there's a Sonic 2 level called Chemical Plant Zone, which is definitely above the Green Hill Zone or surrounded by the Green Hill Zone.

Actually, no. Okay, here's my dad. Sorry. So this is a real conundrum that I have. And at any point, you can tap out if you don't want to get real with me. So just let me know. I got my hand on the buzzer. Okay. So...

I have three cats. I love them so very much. I'm out. And one of my cats. Will's out. Will's out. He just left. One of my cats, Wingdings, for a long time, we didn't know how to like show her some sort of affection that she liked. Like one of my cats really likes being pet on the face. One of it likes being pet on the back or whatever. We found out Wingdings really likes being sort of spanked is not the right word, but like slapped on the area above her tail. So like her lower back. Wow.

Yeah. Like it's a cat erogenous zone. Yeah. That's the thing is I just learned that's an erogenous zone because on Reddit, somebody posted a picture of themselves giving their cat a bath and the cat had an orgasm when it was like scratching that area. So now I'm at the point where my cat, who I refer to lovingly as my daughter, I am basically getting off and I don't,

I don't know what to do because it's the only thing that she likes. I'm a man who's gone through the same experience. So we had a joke. I found the same spot on Play-Doh one time. I was scratching him and I went to the near the top of the tail and like his eyes rolled in the back of his head and he started jerking. And it looked like he was like a doll that was broken, you know, or like an animatronic that was broken. He would like shake his head left and right. And we used to call it breaking him. Like, oh, look, Play-Doh, the spot. It like breaks him.

We did that for like a year where we just pet him and then just like break him. And then I looked up and I found the same thing you did. I was like, I've just been, I guess, even my cat's orgasm. That's what I did. So I feel you. Well, did you stop? I stopped doing it to the, now I just tease him. Is that bad?

No, no. I stopped doing it to the extent where he would break. So if you want to call it. Matt, are you still edging your cat? Well, what are you doing, Anthony? It made me uncomfortable. So yeah, I tried not to, you know, your hand accidentally touches that part of the cat's body. I am very blessed in that I have the most asexual cat in the world. She was born a six-year-old woman with no interest in anybody except for me.

And we're in love. And that's perfectly fine. I don't know what I'm going to do. You do you, Anthony. Nobody will judge you. You do your cat. I mean, maybe I'll marry her because then it'll be okay under the lies of the Lord or something. We've taken an interesting turn. I know. This podcast. That was good and daddy's everybody. Goodbye. Yeah. Enjoy the episode. Bye.

So when we last left you, you were about to be eaten by a bunch of orcs who found themselves suddenly poisoned to death by Chekhov's snake, who, if you remember way, way, way back near the beginning of the series, you managed to rescue from Lark and Sparrow's dungeon in Neverwinter. He helped you get out of the pit of fire and then died. Died? Really? Oh, no. He just shuddered, right? Like, we just heard him shudder? Yeah.

It could have been ecstasy. Yeah, yeah. Somebody scratched it above his tail. No, you heard a rending and a stretching and a tearing as he extended to a longer length than he's supposed to stretch to when you guys were pulling on him to get up into the pit. And he then fell limp in your hands. Okay. He got stretched. He's dead. Okay, so Henry rushes up and says, my God, this snake's a hero. He saved us. Get aside, everyone. And he shoves everyone aside and he casts Healing Word on the snake.

Okay. So I cast Healing Word. And the Healing Word is Deus Ex Machina. The Healing Word is breathe, damn it, breathe! And he casts Healing Word, and he does... Hold on one second. I feel like if I just keep playing Dungeons and Dragons, Anthony will let me do this. He rolls a three plus three. He gets six hit points back. Roll a Medicine check. Okay. I got an 18. Huh. Okay. Okay.

Okay, you really want this stupid fucking NPC back, huh? Okay, so you cast Healing Word onto him, but you get no response. And because of your medicine check, you can tell that it's because something about the way that he stretched out dislodged his airway. So if you want to properly save him, you're going to have to give him mouth to mouth. Okay, Henry looks at the snake and goes, my God, this snake's had a subdural necological strain damage.

We need to give him mouth-to-mouth suscitation right now. Stat, Glenn, batter up. Glenn goes, wait, what? Sorry. You lot, wait, what? Henry slaps Glenn across the face and says, get a hold of yourself, man. This snake is dying. And then I go to massage the snake's chest while Glenn is going to give him CPR. Glenn stands there. Ron, give him CPR. Do you know the tune to Stayin' Alive? Uh, yeah. Okay. Wait, do you, Ron, though? Like, really? Yeah. Um...

Like, just go ahead and sing just a little bit. When you're a snake, that's what you're gonna do when you save your life, Mr. Snake.

The tempo's about right, actually. All right, as Ron is doing that, I'm breathing into the snake's mouth. I'm trying to think of what I should have you roll for to, like, express lung strength, lung capacity. Constitution, I suppose. Constitution? Yeah. All right. Glenn, like, thinks for a second and, like, looks over at the vat of beer and follows the trail of, like, green poison to a bunch of dead orcs and then looks back at the vat and then back to the thing and he goes...

Hey, Henry, man, maybe you shouldn't like put your mouth near the snake. Too late. Henry's already giving the snake mouth to mouth and he got an 11. So with an 11, you blow and you blow and his neck doesn't quite resolve itself into the normal trachea sort of shakiness.

I go, Daryl, you got to get in here, man. You got bigger lungs than me. Henry, Henry, man. But you also have to roll another constitution saving throw with disadvantage. Oh, shit. Okay. Poison. Yeah, because you're sucking poison. You're blowing, but you're, you know, there's poison blowback. Oh, I got a two. Oh, shit. Okay. So you are poisoned. Let's look at what that means.

He wanted to blow through the snake. One damage every ten minutes. Yeah, it's like when you get disadvantage on like if you jump real high. If we save this snake, great. Ooh, slant run. I love it. But Henry, it's too late.

But we'll still have the snake, though, so. Ron, you got, like, the vocal chops. You should, uh, you ever thought about starting a band? What? You did start a band. You're famous here. Yeah, actually, I am. I only use one vocal cord for that little ditty because the dual singing I save for the big shows. Yeah, if you want, like, an autograph after we get out of here, just let me know.

Henry, meanwhile, while this is going on, is still huffing and puffing and blowing into the snake's mouth. And just like sort of like foam is kind of coming out of Henry's mouth. And like he clearly like his lips are turning green. OK, so actual poison is boring as shit. You get disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks for as long as they're poisoned. So we'll say that happens to you, but also take a D20 of damage. OK. Because we just saw all these orcs die. He's got a pretty potent poison.

Let's do a bad roll. A 19! Oh, yes! Oh, my God! Okay, that'll be 19 damage. So you also then have disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls until you get some sort of antidote to put into you. But the snake is still... You're going to have to do at least a 15 check on him to blow those lungs open. So can we see the snake breathing or anything? You see an air bubble sort of move down to its...

Like, neck. It's a snake. But, like, it moves down a couple inches and then seems to stop at a sort of 45-degree angle bend in his neck. Daryl's like, guys, it's just like a hose. You guys don't ever water your lawn? It's just a kink in the hose. They pick up the snake and he just unbends it. Do an attack roll with your hands. An attack roll? Sorry, first do a medicine check. If the medicine check fails, then you're attacking him. Okay.

That's fair. 13 plus one, 14. So that's not good enough. Okay. So you just grabbed him and just stretched this poor boy even further. Give me an unarmed attack roll. Oh no. It's a D4 plus three. And I rolled a four. You rolled a maximum damage. Oh no. Okay. So yeah. So you say, don't worry. I just got to get the kink out and you pull, but then it just kinks his head in the other direction. You've now completely like sort of almost rebroken it in a different angle. Daryl was completely shocked. He just stares and he goes,

Kids, I'm sorry y'all had to see that, but... The snake doesn't move anymore. Henry can no longer blow in the mouth of the snake because he is retching up green bile in the corner. And then my lips are comically swollen up like in Kung Fu Hustle when he gets bit by the snakes. Great. Daryl's like, buddy, is there anything? Are you alive? What's going on? You okay?

Daryl be the worst EMT. Daryl, you got to breathe in his mouth. All right. I try to unkink him again. Again? All right. Give me a medicine. You guys are welcome to jump in. This is how you treat a snake. I mean, I think he's dead. Give me a medicine check. Try to beat a 15. 14 plus 1, 15. Yeah, baby. Holy shit. Okay. So you once again unkink him, but this time the sound of the stretching and the pulling and the tearing, you hear it for a second, but then you hear a pow.

And the snake straightens out very suddenly like a pipe cleaner that you just pulled taut, and it's moving again. Buddy, you all right? Henry crawls over to the snake, and he casts Speak With Animals. And I go, are you okay? And he goes...

Kept you waiting, huh? So that is thanks to somebody on our Reddit who said that we fucked up horribly by not having the snake say that the first thing when he came back. Okay, what is that, Metal Gear? Metal Gear. It's a Metal Gear Solid reference. He goes, thanks. Thanks for the save there. I'm just paying you back. What's your deal? Who are you?

Does it matter? I'm your savior and you saved me. We're pretty tight. How did you come to be in this cave? How did you... Just following you. I was trying to find you guys so I could repay the debt. My people, we have wiki life debts just like many other races in the Forgotten Realms and I didn't like being in debt to you guys. Wait, this snake has been following us the whole time? Truly a stealth mission. Henry, what is he saying? He's saying that he's been following us this whole time. That he's been like our sort of guardian snake. A garter snake, if you will. Oh, okay.

Well, Daryl Wilson, buddy, nice to meet you. And I kind of shake him. Like I got it because I still holding it. Hey, what's your name, buddy? What's your name? Tell him to stop. What's his name? Chill, chill, chill. Put him down. You're hurting him. You're hurting him. Sorry. Sorry, buddy. I put him down. Wait, hold up, Mr. Snake. If you've been our garter snake this whole time, a lot of bad stuff has happened. And I'm just kind of wondering, like, where were you? As Ron says this, Henry like translates in snake and goes like this.

And he goes, oh, so we're looking gift snakes in the mouth now, are we? Is that what we're doing? Look, I don't know what I could have done against a dragon and those big dad guys, but I saw these dumb orcs are dragging you in a cave. Maybe I can handle that. So I slithered around on the ceiling and got in there ahead of you. And like, I did what I could. I tried. We got through all the other stuff and like, I'm pretty sure we would have died without him. So like, I don't know. I feel like you should...

Say thanks. Well, Mr. Snake, thank you for helping us. What's next for you? Thanks, Snake. Well, now I go back to my people. Who are your people? It's just a lot of people that pretty much look and sound very similar to me. Well, they have slightly different variations in sound, just in case you ever meet more of us at the same time. We got a liquid snake. We got a solid snake. Some of us are liquid. Some of us are gaseous. Some of us are naked. So the snake says, I see you're hanging out with the Lord of Chaos, huh? Oh, that's my son, my beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow.

Yeah. Keep an eye on those two. Hey, do you know them? I was in their prison. That's where we met. Boys. And I turn to Blark and Sparrow. Yes, father. I point at my eyes and I point to the ground right in front of me. Look at the ground? No. Get over here right now.

Typically one would point at us and then point at the guy. Well, I think you're both intelligent enough people to understand what I mean when I give you the boy's voice and I point. It means you get over here right now. I do like the compliment, so I will approach, says Lark. So yeah, Lark and Sparrow come up and they go, yes, yes, father. Well, they're avoiding the gaze of the snake man. Did you imprison this snake man?

A little, perhaps, mayhaps, a little, perhaps. Well, what do we do when we imprison snake people that we shouldn't have imprisoned? When we did something wrong and it was bad, what do we do? Weep, weep, weep. And Sparrow goes, it's okay, brother. You can say it. It's a sign of inner strength to show weakness. Weakness is strength. I apologize. And he kneels and he goes, apologize, apologize. I apologize. I'm so very sorry. And Lark just like,

He crosses his arms, goes, I guess I'm sorry. I guess. Lark, that was, I know that took a lot, and it doesn't make up for the fact that you imprisoned this man, but I'm proud of you both for apologizing. And sir, to you, on behalf of my two sons, as their father, who takes responsibility for their actions, I would like to apologize as well. All their actions? Wait, what's this thing about, like, apology is like the inner...

Well, sometimes admitting that you're wrong or that you did something bad is really hard. You know, that's in holding yourself accountable can be difficult. So in that way, apologizing and admitting that you did something wrong isn't in fact, you know, weakness. It's, you know, it can sometimes be a show of your own personal strength of character, in my opinion. But the point isn't us right now. The point is, why did you guys lock him up? Why did you throw him in your dungeon? Because he is icky. We don't like snakes. And Larkin's going to go, we don't like snakes. They're

Gross. We have to touch him in order to come up and I don't like it. But Sparrow was like, I'm trying to learn to love all the creatures of the world, no matter how scaly and disgusting and ugly and gross and weird and one-eyed they may be. Okay, okay. Ron turns away from the group and goes over towards Terry Jr. and says, hey, Terry, we're cool, right? Terry looks at you and goes, uh,

Yeah. Mm hmm. You said on a grant. Yeah. I mean, he's looking at Grant as he does it. And Grant's like, oh, like, like a little thumbs up. I lean over to Ron. I go, hey, I think Terry's mad at you. Yeah, I kind of pick that up as well. My kids mad at me, too. We should talk sometime. I just I yeah, I'd love to. It's hard to each other as opposed to your kids. Yeah, no, that sounds like it. Actually, wait.

I'd like to introduce you, Daryl, to a special friend of mine that helps me talk through problems sometimes.

If you could look at my upper lip for a second and just say, hi, I'm Daryl Wilson. I'm looking at the mustache, but I'm like, my hand is behind me and I'm like snapping at Glenn and Henry to like get over here. Henry is not listening. He's in the middle of like an incredibly long winded monologue about like how in a toxic masculine society, we undervalue emotional sensitivity. Glenn styles over to within hearing range. Your mustache, Ron, you want me to talk to your mustache?

Mr. Mustache? Yeah, if you could, just to be polite, I don't know his first name, but it is Mr. Mustache. So you have to say, Mr. Mustache, hi. I look at Glenn and kind of roll my eyes like, okay. Hey, Mr. Mustache, I'm Darrell Wilson. Nice to meet you.

And I put my hand out and I go, boop, and I touch her mustache. I go, Ron, come on. What are you doing? You all right? Oh, that tickles. You jokester. The mustache does not move. Oh, shit. I'm playing positive. You're fucking up my cover. All right. You okay there, Ron? Yeah. Was that just a joke? No. I mean, normally he really helps me out, but I guess kind of I'm on my own with this one. Thanks, though, Daryl. I guess you're on your own, too.

No problem. That's what Daryl gets. We're trying to talk to Ron. So Ron turns around and starts writing something on one of his razor sharp business cards for a while. Okay.

Grant, how's that shoulder doing? He like shuffles his shoulder back and forth and his arm just dangles a little bit. He's like kind of limp. But I think you dislocated it, buddy. Get on over here. Let me see it. I'm good. I mean, I feel like I'm good. I've had your dad's had more than one dislocated shoulder. It's not good. It's just going to hurt worse. Let me let me see it. So I walk over and I go and I check out his arm. I was like, just stay still. Don't don't move it. Yeah, he's like, don't don't don't. And you take his arm. So, yeah, what are you going to do? OK.

I check it. Is it dislocated? It is. Okay. Yeah, kid. This is very dislocated. Here's what we're going to do. This is going to hurt, but if we don't put it back in, it's going to wear you down and it's going to hurt worse and worse and worse. And we can't have that. Okay. Yeah. All right. I'm not going to lie to you. This fucking sucks. Grant, you don't, I don't use a bad language, but I just want to prepare you for this. This hurts. I'm going to have to pull it out and make sure it's straight. And I'm going to pop it back in. Oh,

Okay. Are you good? Do you want me to do this? If I said no, it's not like you wouldn't do it. No, Grant, if you really don't want me to try to fix your shoulder, we won't do it. But I'm just letting you know it's going to hurt worse throughout the days. I really think we got to pop this thing back in. All right, go for it. You're going to be okay. It's just going to hurt quite a bit. Hey, Henry, you got anything that can numb the pain afterwards? I got a bunch of beer in this jug, Daryl. Nice. As you call over to Henry, he's still talking to the snake. And he goes, you know, it's like in the book Iron John by Robert Bly.

In the sort of middle of the book when he gets into the younging and archetypes of masculinity. Oh, yeah. I can maybe cast some healing on him. I can help out, Daryl. Excuse me one second. Henry, roll perception. I got a two. Okay. The snake is gone. Yeah.

You don't know what point he slid it away, but he's definitely gone. I've been holding court to Lark and Sparrow, like kind of like gesturing back to the snake. And now I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah, Daryl, I'm coming right over. All right. Damn, he is good. This is now we're in the area where like D&D healing mechanics and like real life role playing mechanics don't quite sync up. Because I'm like, I could just cast Cure Wounds on him. But that's not what I'm talking about.

That's not as cool. Is it a wound? It doesn't feel like it's like a... I mean, it's pain. I mean, the abstractification of pain and damage and stuff like that is gibberish for this, but the story is strong enough that, like, we'll say that your cure wounds ability would, like, be a shot of morphine or something afterward and would remove some of the pain, but in order to actually get his shoulder back, you gotta do it. We really do need that TV tropes after action patch up. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, he's got to have a big old cut. And then like you put a little bit of alcohol and he goes like that's only the moment when he hurts and it increases the sexual tension. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, man.

Henry Henry rips off some of his shorts to do a bandage. And now his thighs are scandalous showing. It's like the biggest tan line is like the strongest tan line you've ever seen. Like on it, because we've been out and running. OK, this is what Henry does. Henry provocatively unzips one leg of his hiking pants like the shorts part.

And then he's like, all right, I don't know what you do with this. Maybe like, do you want me to make it into a sling, Daryl? Or what do you need? Yeah. Yeah. If you can make a sling, that's great. I was going to use my belt, but if you can make a sling right now, that'd be great. Cause he has to put this in a sling afterwards. Dang. This isn't quite long enough to be a sling. I'm going to have to unzip both.

both of my shorts. So I unzip the other hiking leg pant and tie them together to make a sling for Grant's arm. I kind of like nudge Grant's face away from watching Henry strip. And I go, okay, just, just dare me. All right. Grant is definitely trying to get a look. Oh, okay. That's right. The moment I noticed that he's trying to take a look, I just like shrug. I was like, that's as good of a distraction as anything. And I pull his arm out so that the ball of the shoulder pops out.

and then he's probably flinching, and then I push it right back in. So as you pull out his arm, his eyes go wide for a second, and the yelp that he makes is not one necessarily of pain. Oh, there's a little pain in it, but it's almost one of surprise, and his eyes go wide, and he looks at his own shoulder and then to the rest of his body with a great deal of shock. Ron is now one business card away from having written on the front and back of all of his remaining business cards.

What the fuck is going on with Ron? Daryl hugs Grant tight and say, it's okay if it hurts, buddy. Not that tight. Yeah, well, not around his shoulder. And he's putting the sling on. He goes, are you okay to walk? Are you okay to keep moving? We got to keep moving, though. Uh-huh. Yep.

So as you say that, Ron, you feel the leaf that you've been carrying around that has not been written on it. You feel that begin to vibrate in your pocket. Does anybody remember what kind of like real world mechanism the leaf is? Is it a pager or is it a phone or something? I'm just going to pull it out. OK. And I look I look at the leaf. So the leaf has on it the very small, simplified features of Aaron O'Neill's face on it. It goes like.

did something happen? You're all still here. We're still here. Our van got sucked in, but we couldn't get in with some like tendrils or some weird feeling. Like it felt like we were like, like ropes were attached to us. We were pulled out. Ah, sh.

I was thinking we just go right back without the fan this time. Cause like we got rid of, not us, we didn't get rid of it, but like all the orcs are dead. So I was thinking that we should just go back and try again. You can try as many times as you like, but you're anchored here. So anchored. So yeah, I saw in the sky, this like big purple tendril going a little bit North to this like commune that we don't visit very often. And,

And I thought, ah, that can't be good. That feels like it's connected to the boys. You're the boys. So I think they've used their connection to you to anchor you in this world. And until you destroy the anchors, I don't think you can go back. How many anchors are we talking here? So there's one for each of the sort of family units, I guess. I assume. I didn't see them all. Are these anchored to our kids? Yeah. Anybody they want to keep here, they are using the anchors to maintain. So, like, I assume Ron

Your dad has an anchor for you. Henry, your dad has one for you. Daryl, I don't quite understand why that would be a thing, but apparently you're anchored here as well. Yeah, I got pulled. Kids, did you feel getting pulled too or were you just stuck in the car? All the kids go like, okay, we got pulled. Definitely got pulled. Yeah, we got pulled. Pulled very hard, but I was fighting against it. I wish that I'd been able to just try again. Wait a second. Peyton, did you feel like you got pulled? Uh,

Uh, yeah, yeah. But I'm basically like family. So that track still. Okay, fair enough. Maybe it's like a found family kind of thing. In order to find the anchors, you're going to have to perform a ritual of the same type of magic that was used to create the anchors because they're daddy anchors. You're going to have to perform some sort of daddy ritual. Can you think of anything that you guys could do that would feel like a proper dad ritual that would be pregnant with magic?

BBQ, guys. What's a bigger ritual than a BBQ? Aaron claps and she goes, that would actually be great. Yes, a barbecue. Ooh, okay, so yes, here's what you would do. In order to complete a proper ritual, it needs to involve some sort of extra planar being, sort of like a quasi-god or like a demigod or whatever. So what you could do is you could summon and cook

and eat the dread cow vacaris. And I think that would probably allow you to locate where your anchors are. Wait, wait, a god cow? Or just eating a cow for a god? What was that? No, no, it's the dread cow vacaris. It's like a quasi-demon thing. How big of a cut are we talking about? How big is that cow? Take a regular cow. Imagine...

Somebody just grabbed its edges and dragged it out and like kept all the ratios correct. And now they're holding shift. They're holding shift. And it's now three times its size. It sounds like this big wacky cow is from the far side of reality. No.

All right, Will gets inspiration whenever he wants to get inspiration. All the kids take damage. I don't even get that. So, like, I refuse to take damage from that. It's okay. That's from Midvale School for the Gifted. Am I right? Jesus Christ. I took four damage off of that. Actually, yeah, none of the kids take damage because they don't know what that is. Oh, that's a good point. Errol takes out his inventory, and he's already sketching out a cow and looking at the different cuts of meat and, like, kind of assuming, like, okay, he's trying to already figure out, like, how many people...

How many people he could serve with this bad boy if this is what we're doing. Okay, all right. So settle down. Settle down. So you're saying to a figure... By the way, Daryl's just very calm, like, writing, and he looks up at Henry who's screaming, settle down, settle down, and he looks at Glenn, and he's like, yikes. He just goes back to slowly writing his idea of how to cook up this meat. Now there's...

I can't believe it. Now there's two of them. Settle down. So you're saying in order to figure out where our anchors are so that we can break this bond or do whatever we got to do to get back home, we have to summon a cat. You're just, you're going real fast for me here, Aaron. You're saying what you need to do is in order to, you're a T-bone girl. Am I right? You're invited by the way. You're a T-bone girl. I,

I leave anything off the couch. I don't care which part. I don't care if it's still mooing. As long as it ain't green, I'm good. You know what? I know we got this kind of back and forth and it feels like I know you... Kind of will they, won't they? No, no. I wasn't talking... He's like, pauses. No, I wasn't talking about that. Yeah, nice try, Anthony.

I just meant you act tough, but like you help us out a lot. I understand. You like us. So I'm just saying you're invited to the BBQ once we do this and I'm saving whatever your favorite cut of meat is. You're getting it. Then yeah, sure. T-bone. I appreciate it. Circle of T-bone. And I write Aaron. So the leaf just sort of rotates back to face Henry and she goes, So daddy magic is predicated off of dad experiences, whether that's teaching your kids something or

or just stereotypically dad behavior like throwing a barbecue, you know, signs of traditionally patriarchal affection or control. And it's not always good. Sometimes it's toxic in the case of obviously your dads. It can be really, really toxic and bad, but also it could be used for good. So in order to find the anchors that are keeping you here, they're physical objects. Your dads have hidden them somewhere in the Forgotten Realms.

And they are physical objects that you need to find and you need to destroy because they're made out of pure daddy magic. And they're probably made out of some object or they take the form of some object that's important to one of you. Nick chimes in, like the Horcruxes from Harry Potter, right? I have no idea what that is. Nick is like, that sounds like some Horcrux show. That is a fucking Horcrux shit. So the BBQ is just going to let us know where to go.

Yes, the BBQ is going to basically infuse you with enough temporary dad magic that you'll be able to feel in your dad's soul where your particular anchor is. Can I like make a guess and then Anthony can take off the headphones and then I can make a cool Reddit conspiracy theory? Ooh. Okay, Freddie, wave at me in the camera when it's okay for me to put my headphones back on.

Hey guys, welcome to Mini Talking Dads, where we talk about the bad guys. All right, Beth, what's up? What have you figured out? Okay, Peyton is definitely an anchor, am I right? Wait a second. You think so? I think so. You think like what? Like he's going to be like a long lost child or something like that? Maybe he's like not even like real. Like he's just taken the form of some sort of- Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. I think Anthony definitely has some sort of end game for Peyton at this point. Yeah, I think he's an anchor. Okay. So how do we test that? Do we just like kill him? What?

Yeah. All right. Yeah? Okay, cool. Can we get back to the podcast? Yeah, let's do this. All right, back to the regular podcast. Bye. Bye. The new Boost Mobile Network is offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month for life. That sounds like a threat. Then how do you think we should say it? Unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month for the rest of your life? I don't know. I don't know.

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamit Mobile for details. Okay, so we're calling on sort of like the dad magic, DadDog.

which is a thing that's real. And we're going to use that to inspire ourselves to see where to go to see where these things. All right. So how do we get this cow? You know, like I'm not, is it, is it a mean cow with a name like the dread cow? I'm just trying to, I'm trying to, it seems like we're pretty demonic. It seems like we're pretty clocked into the barbecue plan, which, you know, I mean, I don't need to go on and on about it, but I'm not, you know, super cook up. I'll grow up some veggies, whatever you want. Oh, sorry, Aaron. What was that?

What was that? Aaron, is there maybe like a dread carrot we could fight that, you know? No, because carrots are fucking dope. Carrots are sweet as hell. You also cows are wonderful, beautiful creatures. Oh boy, oh boy. No, idiot! Cows are evil! Oh boy. They eat grass. Henry!

I stare at him. Don't take this away from me. I'm just saying maybe. I turn around and like it is an incredibly detailed diagram of a cow. I've already chosen like all the different cuts of meat that I'm going to prioritize. Some of it's reserved for jerky for our travel later. I'm like ready to go. I'm staring at it. Guys, yeah. Can we just sort of table this beef for a second?

Well done. You get an inspiration. All right. I'm just saying if there was maybe also a dread vegetable, we could have some options at our daddy magic ritual for those who don't partake. I mean, there's a bread demon. Oh, that's great. Oh my God. I would totally love to fight a bread demon. Bread demon.

I bet that demon goes straight to my thighs. Am I right, guys? No, you use that bread demon. You soak up the meat juices on your plate with that bread. That's perfect. We can, yeah, we can pair the bread demon with the meat demon. Okay, so then you're going to summon two demons and by killing them...

Yeah, you've now made the fight twice as hard for yourself, so I guess that's a plan. Wait, Aaron, we don't have to go anywhere? We just summon them here? Yeah, I would love that. Yeah, I mean, once you have everything set up, I'm not a dad, so I don't know what the magic words would be, but if there's like some stuff that dads tend to say before a barbecue, something that gets you in a barbecuing kind of mood, do that, and then just also say the words, I summon the Dread Cavalcars and Dread Bread, bread dead. And then the

Dread Bread Redemption. Sorry, his name is Dread Bread Redemption 2. Daryl turns around and looks at the huge fire pit and he looks back at Aaron and he's like, where do they appear? What you're going to want to do is you're going to draw a sigil in somebody's blood, sorry, and then they'll appear wherever the sigil is. Let's do the cage, guys. There's like a

grill and cage right there. Exactly. Unfortunately, I have heard that if you want to summon Bread Dread Redemption 2, it takes six to seven years to do it, and you have to abuse a bunch of people and make them work way too hard. And then when it comes out, it's like, it's a really realistic bread, but it's not like the most fun bread you've ever eaten. Oh, shit. Well, actually, I heard some people actually buy it twice because there's a version of it that lets you eat it with other people, so it's kind of weird. Fuck.

Jesus Christ. All right. This is a podcast for five people. Okay. Four. Four.

So we summon them. Someone's going to have to do a little ouchy time, but that's fine. We can figure that out. Daryl already pricks his finger. Well, Daryl, we're going to summon them right now. We've got to rest first. Simmer down, buddy. Glenn points to the 40 dead orcs in the room and says, there's blood here, you idiots. We're surrounded by rotting dead flesh, man. So we can summon this cow and then maybe this bread monster. Although maybe we can just use real bread. Sure.

Shucks. You know, I don't want to make it more difficult for everybody. You know what I mean? I don't know, guys. I say, let's get this bread. I am out of character. Very curious to see what a bread demon looks like. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know, man. This fight might be a little bit too yeasty.

No, half didn't quite work. No, shit. That bread pun needs some work. See, there we go. There it is. Don't patronize me, Will. Jesus Christ.

All right, y'all have inspiration. Why would I do that? Oh, my God. Oh, you filthy animals. You filthy, disgusting animals. Well, it seems like before the BBQ even happens, we got to fight this cow and then we'll get the meat. Then we'll get the BBQ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems like we should just prep this cave as good as possible so that when we summon them, they're, you know, 90% done. Yes, I agree. Like, we've pretty much killed them. I agree. All right, well, Aaron. Sounds like a plan. Yeah, thanks a lot. Hey, Aaron. Yeah? Thanks.

Okay. Thanks, Aaron. It just sounds weird when you say it.

Aaron, this dude better not be jacked up again. You sent us down a lot of jacked up paths. You leave Aaron alone. He's always jacked up and I always warn you it's going to be jacked up and then you blame me when it's jacked up. The guy who almost let me die. I reach out and I fold the leaf in half. And then she cuts off. And I stick it back in my pocket. In my underwear pocket. Do we find out what symbol we actually draw? Ron, I need Aaron real quick. Okay. I opened up the leaf.

Aaron, sorry. Accidentally hung up on you. Sorry. What's the symbol when you draw? For both of them. I guess we got one symbol for demon. Yeah, one symbol for demon. Any symbol that means something to you as a father or in relation to your father or the whole experience of fatherhood. You get to make the symbol. Oh. All right. I call the Superman S. Football and blood. The what? The Superman S? Yeah. All right. Superman S and football and blood. Dig in. All right. Okay. Well, thanks again, I guess.

Yeah, no, definitely. Thanks, Aaron. You're such a dick. You're the worst one. Every time I'm like, I may be Glenn's guy. And I give Ron a fucking high five. If we do this right, guys, there shouldn't be much fighting because these orcs had a cage. And if we could seal that thing up real nice...

and just use it to just roast the cow, that's basically it. So Henry says, all right, look, I don't want to put us in any more danger than we need to be. I think I can maybe tough this out. I just, you know, I'm going to be a little bit, I can tell I'm a little under the weather, so you're not going to get peak Henry in this fight. Well, can we heal you? Do we have anything that we could... I mean, unless you have antidote for poison on you somewhere, like maybe... Hey, Peyton. Yeah, what's up, man? Do you know anything about like antidotes for poisons? You know, like...

Do you happen to have that knowledge? You can buy them from pretty much any merchant or any alchemist or whatever. They're pretty common antidotes because there's a lot of poison going around. Henry would like to make another half-assed insight check. This is going to be based off of Henry's casting back through his knowledge of watching shows like Man vs. Wild and Survivor Man and reading about the restorative properties of different herbs. I believe you have a nature skill, so you can roll nature. I'm going to roll nature. Why the French not?

Rolling the bones. I got to do disadvantage though, right? Yes. All right. Well, I got a two and a five. So, uh, Henry's like, okay guys, when I was watching the pet whisperer, they said that dogs eat grass when their stomachs are upset. So if you feed me a bunch of grass, maybe I'll feel better. Uh,

I'm just going to go ahead and try to heal myself up a little bit here. And then let's do this thing, I guess. You know, I'm going to also cast cure wounds on you. Oh, that's right. I forgot that. Yeah. Let's get this thing so we can get Henry to a place that we can cure that poison. Sounds good. It's like, what do you do? I'm going to put a comforting hand on Henry's shoulder and like tap him in the belly and be like, hey, buddy, feeling better? Feeling better a little bit? Got all that gross stuff out, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, that's 3d8 plus 3. Nine hit points back to you, Henry. Oh, all right. Let's decide what do we want to do right now? Do we want to fight here? If we think we can latch that cage closed, that's going to be our best bet because these orcs have clearly used it multiple times for doing this exact thing. So why not? I will point out the orcs seemed excited and not that surprised when we broke out. It seems like maybe part of the dinner theater experience that the food escapes this cage. Cows don't have opposable thumbs.

Yeah, but this thing's probably pretty big. You guys keep talking about the cow, but I'm more worried about the bread. Did she say how big the cow was? She said it was three times the size of a normal cow. How big is a cage? A cage is big enough to hold a cow that is three times the size of a normal cow. Yes, thank you, Anthony.

Guys. All right. Daryl starts walking up. I think it's pretty clear. Like we got like literally a cow burning device right here. Henry's sick. Let's get out of this as quickly as possible. We got to get out of here. We got to scavenge around for a way to like lock it up, though.

Cause we broke the locks off. These guys seem like they would be the type to have loose chains around. Maybe we can get some chains and do that. So that's what Henry does. He's going to, Henry's going to hobble around and see if he can, while spewing all over the place, find some, he goes to the boys. He says, Hey boys. All right. So here's the plan. We're going to try to summon this cow in that thing and get some barbecue going. So I need you all to,

you know, be buddies and, uh, help us look for some stuff to secure that cage. You know, Lark says, I will do whatever it takes. If the reward is more flesh, yes, yes, yes. And he dances his way deeper into the caves going flesh, flesh, flesh, flesh, flesh, flesh. And Sparrow goes, I will look after him. Father, we will come back with chains or not at all. And,

And he runs after Lark. Don't go into any of those tunnels. We're just trying to stick in this general area. We all need eyesight on each other. I don't want anyone getting lost in the network of caves, okay? I'll go with them. Hey, come on, Nick. Let's go look for some chains and stuff. Hell yeah, chains. Metal. Metal's hell.

You find chains very quickly. There are all the stuff you would imagine in an orc ass encampment. Like they had prison cells and those cells had chains on them and there were skeletons in there. And they don't have any cool loot on them 'cause it was all taken from them. There are no orcs around. You get the feeling that like dinner time brings everybody to the table. So at least in terms of the people who were here when you arrived,

it seems like all of the orcs are done for. So basically you have free reign to whatever you would imagine. Well, it's nice that the orcs still find time to all sit down and have a meal together as a family. Yeah, that's nice. I think that's really important. In our high-speed, high-internet world, it's really good to just hang out with your friends and vomit to death. You know, they're not all on their orc phones, you know, playing orc night. So yes, you find your chains, you find locks.

Whatever you would like. Daryl goes to Grant and he's like, hey, Grant, I think obviously the kiddos, you all shouldn't be in here probably when we're fighting this thing. So leaving you in charge, buddy, to get all the kids outside the cave area. Be right there and we'll call you when it's safe again. You sure you don't need help? Ron says, sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. Ha ha ha!

Terry is just looking at you and just shaking. He's like, why would you even, you didn't even say that to anybody. You just said it to yourself. It was like practically on your brain. It was like a secret from you to you. It's a secret.

Is it? I've never heard it. Yeah, S&M by Rihanna. Oh, okay, okay, nice. That's why none of us know it, because we're not cool. So Larkin and Sparrow hear that, and immediately they go, Ri-Ri! So Grant takes Peyton and all the other kids out of the cave. He sort of walks them out and goes, let's just hang out here for a while. Larkin and Sparrow are busy, you know, punching each other and stuff like that, but they're all happy to walk outside and let the dads do all the cooking. All right, so we have enough stuff to lock up this cage, right?

We need to draw our symbols in the cage, right? Yes. And I got a bunch of orc blood here to write it with. Okay. So we were saying the Superman S and Daryl's already drawing. He drew a very well drawn football, like nice sketching, like nice hash marks. So like an oval shading on the underside. You can tell, you can tell as a football. It doesn't look like an egg.

Beth, it looks like a football. Looks perfect. Laces are out. If you don't mind, Daryl, I'm just going to and then I put like the footballs lying in a little bed of leaves. I'm like, now there's something in there for me to just to like to make it like I just wasn't feeling really represented by the fatherhood images. But now it's like the balls in nature and I'm into nature. And that's, you know, so anyway, I think we're good to go. What's the cage like? Is it hanging from a rope or something? No, it's suspended like a spit over a fire. There are two like arms holding it up.

All right, team, let's get two of you on the other side. Glenn, why don't you stay with me? Ron, Henry, get on that side. And when this demon gets summoned, we should just drop it in the fire. Hell yeah, guys, let's do it. Okay. One, two, three, doodlers. Doodlers. Doodlers. And then there, so we got to say something dad-like when we do it, right? So I've been thinking about this and, you know, usually when I go to sort of barbecue events, like I usually don't really fit in, but I see a lot of other dads talking about the game. Yeah.

So I was thinking maybe we could talk about the game last night. And that could be the way we kind of get ourselves in dad mode. Did you see the game? Did you see the game last night? Actually, wait. Could one of you hold on for a second? Because I feel like to say my dad thing, I need to be like with my son or my stepson. We were kind of trying to keep the kids out there to make it a little bit more safe. That's all right. I can come back after a while.

After I do it. Okay. Sure. I guess that'll count. We'll just hold this 400 pound thing. The three of us. While you go do that, Ron. Okay. Thanks, guys. Okay. So, Ron, what do you do? I go and find Terry. You go outside and you see that all the kids are in one. They're sort of sitting in a circle, all holding each other's hands, like doing a massive like.

Thumb wrestling, they call it battle royale thumb wrestling, and they're trying to all eliminate each other. And when Terry Jr. sees you, he gets knocked out and he sort of stands up. Hey, Terry, can I talk to you for a second? What's up? And then he takes the business cards out of his pocket. I don't know why his underwear has pockets, but I guess that's a thing. Just talk to him. That's a plus. He says, I was writing this thing on my business cards, and then I was going to try to say it.

but memorized so you thought that i was coming up with it on the spot but then i um i'm kind of under a time pressure because we have to kill a bunch of demons i just i want um i know that you might be mad at me and um i just want to say that i i'm sorry that i yoshi kicked you off of uh the five foot drop thing and um

And then I'm sorry when I laughed when I said that I trusted you to kick the soccer ball because that made you think that I didn't trust you. But I'm also sorry for getting arrested for stealing the corner flags. I just thought that they would look great in the yard. I still think that. I'm sorry that I ate your otter pops from the freezer. And I'm sorry that I said... I fucking knew it was you. I didn't know who did it. Um...

And, um, but I'm, I'm really sorry that, uh,

that you had to sort of lose one dad and then be almost the parent to the other. So you said that I didn't trust you, but that's, I, sometimes I trust you more than I trust myself. And then he flips over a business card. He starts, he starts reading the next business card. Meanwhile, Henry, Glenn and Daryl are sweating. Um,

that's not how fatherhood should be. And I should be there for you. And he flips over a business card. There's something that I've known for a while, but I couldn't really put it into words until now when I wrote the words down because I, I'd never really heard it myself. So, and then he, he said the business cards back in his pocket or whatever. I'm proud of you.

And then he's like, I think they're going to drop the cage, so I've got to go back. But that was my... Someday you might be proud of me, too. But until then, I'm going to go lift some heavy weights. Okay, so roll perception. Okay. This is going to hurt my feelings. I know it. Yeah, it is. Natural 20. Oh, shit. Shit. Fuck.

So if you'd gotten literally anything other than the natural 20, I was going to say that as you turn around and ran back into the cage, you saw just for a second, his arms begin to come up like he was going to go for a hug, but then he saw you running away. And so his arms dropped and I guess maybe next time, but with a natural 20,

I feel like you see him begin to do that. And if you want to give him a hug, you can. I give him a hug, but it's like I have to be like the little spoon of the hug, like the underarm part. And so it's like...

So like I'm essentially hugging him around like his mid torso where he would like hug my shoulders. Like a middle school slow dance. It's very much. Yeah. And then there's too much back pat action going on. There's just a pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat. He's like, you can stop that. That back patting is weird. But no, that was very. Thanks. Thanks, dad. Thanks, son. Meanwhile, from the cave, Rogen!

All right, guys, I'm coming back. All right. And then I feel like even when I'm lifting it, like you wouldn't even notice that I'm lifting. Yeah, we realize that you're not lifting. Okay.

So I've got a thing that might be kind of fun for what you can say. So you can either talk about the game or we can do this thing because I forgot that I wrote this down as a mechanic. So basically, I'm going to give you 90 seconds. And if you can come up with as many barbecuing or grill puns as are humanly possible in 90 seconds for every single one of those, I'm going to reduce his HP by 10. Oh, I like it. That's amazing.

I'm going to tell you when to go, okay? Okay. Three, two, one, starts now. Hey, guys. Nice to meet you. Man, I sure hope this isn't a limp brisket of a good time. The stakes could not be higher. Your head's going to go kebab after this. What the fuck was that? What the hell was that? You know, kebab. I don't know what the... That joke grilled. That means it's good. Okay.

You have a minute left. As much as it propanes me to say this, I kind of wish we had a little more gas. Don't be so cold when insulting my jokes. What does that have to do with... That is not... No, I said charcoal. Look, it's really charred to make barbecue grill jokes. I charted. All right, that one counts. Um...

This is hard under pressure. 30 seconds. 30 seconds. Okay. Don't flip out. We're patty much screwed if we don't keep making more hot toasted puns. We're having a hell of a tongs. 15. That joke wasn't a mistake. We're not.

We already did stakes. Yeah. Well, you can do multiple stakes. You can do stakes multiple times. What's great about the smoke is that it gets rid of... That joke was well done. That joke was well done. What's great about this... It's rare to find such a well-done joke. What's great about the smoke is all the mesquite hose is out of the way. Oh, just barely made it. Sorry, that was the opposite of making it. You didn't get the mesquite joke in in time. Because Matt was talking. Come on, Matt. Clear room.

so that we can make puns. I said well done. All right, so of the ones that I would say I counted, that's 11 puns in 90 seconds. So it's lost 110 of its starting HP. It's so hard when you're under pressure, dude. It's so much harder. No, I believe it. That was the worst improv show anybody's ever watched.

Once you finish doing that, you see flames begin to rise from the sigils that you've drawn, the Superman ass and the football on the, on the bed of leaves. And, and,

In order, first a massive three times the size of a normal cow-ass cow appears and pretty much fills the entire space of the cage, like to the point where it's like back fat is like kind of peeking out through the little like holes in the grates and stuff. It's like veal. Oh, that's sad. Oh, God, Matt. Yeah, it's dark. Right behind it, you see just a small loaf of bread just like boop.

Like into existence and it's kind of squished up against the... Let go! I mean, I don't even think we have a choice. I think we just drop it. What kind of bread is it? Are we talking like rye, sourdough, wonder? Yeah, what kind of bread? Paint the picture. Roll perception. See what kind of bread it is. I rolled an 18. Ooh, it's a nice sourdough loaf. All right. Good. So the sourdough loaf and the massive demon cow with red burning eyes, smoke pouring out of its nostrils. This is scary. I don't like that. Fire coming out of the udders.

Like a weird, bad jetpack. It goes. And then immediately you drop him down and he goes. And as he falls, he is going to try to mind blast you. So everybody give me a DC 16 intelligence saving throw. You want to beat a DC 16 with your saving throw for intelligence. Oh, my intelligence is not great. Henry Oak got a natural 20.

It feels great because I feel like my rolls have been dog shit for the last 10 episodes in a row. I was due. Glenn rolls a four. I rolled a seven. Daryl rolls a Beth minus a Freddie. Oh, no. Okay, so everybody except for Henry takes 22 damage and is stunned for one minute.

So that means you can't move or talk. You can't move or talk for one minute? Yeah, but that's in combat time. So in real life, it'll be over pretty quickly. Because this is not going to be combat. Like, he falls. He only had 120 hit points to start with, and you did 11 puns. So the cage smashes down into the fire.

And he immediately bursts into flames. He goes, just like the prophecy foretold. And he just begins to, he just dies. He just fucking, like his eyes pop and shatter and he falls over. I can't fall because he's like so stuck in this thing, but he kind of rolls over and stops moving. And the bread is just sort of burning. It seems to just be normal ass loaf of bread.

Does the bread say anything, Anthony? It doesn't. There's no eyes or anything. No, it's just a normal loaf of bread. I look at the bread and I say, hey, you quit loafing. Yeah, still doesn't respond. Weird. Basically, yeah, the stunned time ends, so it's fine. You just got hurt a lot by a psychic mind blast from the demon cow. Whoa, no, whoa,

Hold on. I want to use my minute for a second here. Well, I have the stage. I look to the other dads who are all frozen and I go, I think we learned a little lesson here, boys. And the lesson is veganism. Because I don't eat meat. I'm timing you. Wait, wait. How long are we stunned? A minute.

I'm timing you will ready go. So I, I sort of walk smugly between the dads and I say, Hmm, it looks like maybe you guys have a guilty conscience about the way that, you know, our, our food is raised and processed. Whereas me, like I don't partake in that stuff, so I don't feel bad. So maybe that's why the, clearly this was like some sort of guilt trip that this monster was trying to lay on us. It bounced right off of me. So I just, uh, I want you guys to, you know, take a minute and you know, this is the last time I'll bring it up. You know, guys, I don't, I don't like bringing up this card a lot, but I just want to say, you know, uh,

maybe we should think a little bit more. Maybe we should watch Freddy's showing me that I have 30 seconds left. So, you know, I would recommend maybe watching Food Inc. There's a great book called Eating Animals.

Follow James Cromwell on Twitter. He talks about this stuff a lot. And, you know, make sure to donate to good organizations like, you know, PETA is a little controversial, but, you know, find like different groups, you know, reach out in your community, join a co-op. That's what I would recommend. Or like, no, they have like farm shares and farmers markets. It's all about eating local, too. And even if you eat meat every week, we're going to eat meat for the rest of our

of our lives baby Daryl just gets up and he runs straight down to the kids to make sure they're okay and then he also glares at Henry he's like I'm not cooking veggies at this BBQ by the way and then he runs down was that exactly a minute that's one minute yeah okay so Freddie knows how much to cut out of the podcast oh wow she's fucking brutal

Kids, we did it. There's a burning cow in there. We got meat for days and your dads aren't hurt. See, there's an adorable montage of all the kids helping you butcher this cow. If you want to let them, I don't know. Lark definitely wants to. Daryl is willing to teach anybody who wants to learn how to chop up a cow if they so wish.

Your son definitely wants to, and Lark definitely wants to. I encourage Sparrow to do it as well, because they say, Sparrow, you know, ultimately you and Lark are going to have to make your own choices about your diet, but it is important to know where meat comes from. So I invite you both to learn about this part of life. You know, even animals eat other animals. Your minute is over, Will.

Oh my God. So Sparrow stays with you, Henry, because he's like, I don't like to eat. I don't want to eat animals. I'm a love wolf, not a meat wolf. That's okay. And I hold his hand. That's a-okay, which is a way to spell our last name. It's O-A-K, as we say in the OAK. O-A-K.

We've said it for years. Okay. The demon bread, when you pull it out of the fire, is not burned. So it's up to you what you want to do with that. It might still be alive. It's room temperature. It's like it might as well not have been... I stab it with a knife. Nothing happens? I start cutting it in half. Okay, so you cut it in half, and inside there's just horrors beyond reckoning. It is like clearly...

You never thought, like, bread could have organs. Like, but it's definitely... Oh, my God. And it goes... No, no, my camouflage. Eat me, you coward. Eat me, you absolute coward, and understand what true power really is. I just throw it right back in the fire, and I just turn to everybody and go, we're not eating that bread. Okay, boys, you can eat meat this once. I would have given you ultimate power. Okay, so y'all are eating...

And as you're eating with your kids, you can feel the daddy magic welling up inside of you. You hunted, you cooked meat for your children, you prepared it, and you did all this very traditionally masculine stuff. Oh, so we're doing the whole BBQ. The whole BBQ. Oh, we invited Erin, right? Oh, yeah, you did. She doesn't show up. No, absolutely not. There's a cooked T-bone steak to perfection on a plate waiting for her.

Actually, you know what? She shows up via leaf and is like, that looks great. I've got some stuff to do here, but that seems delightful. She was a maybe on Facebook, and then we all know what that means. When she doesn't eat the meat and closes, he pretends like he's okay, and then he starts eating her T-bone steak despite the fact that he's already eaten an entire steak himself. He's just eating her T-bone steak as well. That's a very dad move. So...

Each one of you individually can feel where your and your son's anchor is. Henry. No shit. Yours leads to a place called the Oakvale, which is to the north. Daryl.

Your anchor is in, and this was sent in by Katie Jones van Vuren Smith, I believe, is the pronunciation. Yours is, you know how there's like water deep and there's like rock deep and stone deep? Yours is in balls deep. Nice. All right. Glenn, yours was sent in by Chris Pete. Yours is in the meth bay. Okay.

Yours, Ron, is in, this is sent in by Ryan Moynihan. Yours is in Swankery Hill. Oh, I like that. Swankery Hill. Swankery Hill. And as you're processing that information, Erin vibrates again on the leaf. Hello. She says, so you guys said you lost your big metal behemoth. Did you also lose the like charm that prevents you from being followed?

Oh, God. Was that in the van? What was that thing? It prevented you from somebody magically locating you. Does anybody have it? I'd like to start patting my pockets. Does anyone have the ball? Did anyone bring the ball with them?

No one has it. It definitely was in the van. And Aaron says like, I saw the sky go like fucking black with Ravens. Somebody, I assume your dad's is passing out bounties to every bounty hunter in the forgotten realms, telling them where you are right now in that cave. It's a John wick situation. It's absolutely John wick situation. And as she says that you hear clomping boots at the front of the cave, one after the other walking with purpose and anger and determination. Oh,

and a figure comes through the darkness, light hitting his face, and it's Walter the Immoral holding a sword. And he says, where the hell is Pagan? Hi, Walter. Hey, Walter. How's it going? He's right here. Hey, babe. What's up? Oh.

Okay, cool.

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