Ep. 40 - Rules for Dadtastic Medieval Wargames
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. We go with old man Henry's ankle fine. He must first learn his family's tale. The hatch has a hum of lies.

I would help him but I simply can't Win a P.N.S. this side for my dentistry is a sham Eat the luxury arms they dry They'll stay back, narrow and small Fear not for your beautiful sons

So brave for dungeon unknown. They can't stop me while I have this gun. So brave for dungeon unknown.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a loose Dungeons and Dragons podcast. And for once, more of a Dungeons and Dragons podcast, as you will come to see. About four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close.

Now, here's where we are in the story. We're hanging out with a bunch of hippies who are into vegetarianism and not eating meat. So I thought that would be a good time to talk a little bit about Glenn's gustatory habits. Glenn's favorite vegetable is deep fried vegetables.

Nice. Deep fried vegetables. Freddie, I feel like you're chomping Henry's flavor with these reversal on the favorite blank. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that a trademark? Oh, sorry. One second, guys. I have a motorcycle gang literally. I thought that was like the wind or something. That was me growling in disapproval at Freddie's death. Sorry, this motorcycle gang thinks I'm so cool. They want to come. They keep trying to indict me. They keep trying to hang out with me. I'm asking if you join.

Uh, the window, uh, deep fried, any vegetables. So number one on the list, fries, French fries. That's a vegetable. That's a vegetable. You know what it is? It's like a reverse Henry fact. Yeah.

Yeah. It goes exactly where you think it'll go. It goes to the opposite zag from whatever Henry's dad fact would be. I love it. I love it. I'm here for it. I want more weird Glenn facts. Deep fried vegetables. That's what Glenn's got this week. Now, does that apply to any vegetable? Yes, any vegetable. Any vegetable is made better by deep frying. Anything deep fried tastes good. I haven't had anything deep fried that doesn't taste good.

Even candies, even Oreos. Yeah, I remember when I had that deep fried Oreo at Lake Arrowhead and it was okay. Yeah. It was fine. It was fine. Oreos are already perfect. They don't taste better once they're fried. No, that's like putting a top hat on a top hat, you know? Like, what are you doing? It's like putting a top hat on the Mona Lisa. Literally too arousing. Yeah.

All right. My name is Matt Arnold, a real dad playing a fake dad called Daryl Wilson. He's a shit. Fuck. Yep, that's right. Playing a dad named Daryl Wilson, who is a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian when he enters the Forgotten Realms. Little dad fact about Daryl. So it's been a while since we've heard about his home brewing. The last beer Daryl made before he lost everything and got sucked into the Forgotten Realms is...

He's going ambitious here. He made a barley wine. A barley wine? What is he, at a renaissance fair orgy? What is that about? It's a barley wine, and it's called Access, with a picture of Grant, E.D., so it's Access Granted, and he's going to age it for 10 years so that he can have it when he's 21. That's fun. Aww.

Oh, that's super sweet. Right now, he's got 21 spots on the label, and he's been putting a picture. Every birthday, he's going to add another picture to the bottle, and then he's going to give it to him when he's 21. I can't wait for Grant to pretend that's his first time drinking when Daryl is 21.

Here you go, son, your first sip of alcohol. Hi, I'm Will. I play Henry Oak, Birkenstock Rockin', Granola Munchin', Hippie Nature, Crunchy Munchy, Druid Dad from the Forgotten Realms. Oh, hey! A little extra splishy splash on there for you. A little dash of Henry right there, just adding to the rhythm of it. A little whop. No, dig that out, please. Oh, man.

A little WAP? Is that what you just said? He said pushy splash. I'm sorry. Henry thinks that WAP means welcome, accepting peacefulness. Damn it. I thought about doing a WAP. Good.

Henry's dad fact this week is I think it's time for me to reveal something about Henry, which is why he hates horses. Oh, OK. Oh, yeah. As you can tell in Oakvale, they've got like a naming convention. It's like a name of an animal and then re-oak, right? Like that's like bear re-oak or hen re-oak. They do pronounce it bar, which means I think I don't know what that's about. I feel

like Anthony's gonna blackjack us with some weird twist with what's going on there. Oh yeah, sure. It's a part of an amazing plan I have and not just the fact that I forgot that they were all animal names for the first time you came to the fucking... Um, Henry's tormentor as a kid, his bully as a kid was another kid in the commune named Horse. Or rather named Horsey Oak. So Horsey Oak used to bully Henry around and he... Wait, wait.

It's horse re, right? No, no, no. It's horsey oak, and I'll explain why. It's because re oak means you're from Oakvale, where sea oak means you're from the suburbs outside of Oakvale. And then bcc oak means that they can't tell whether or not you're in. His name is horsey. His name is horsey oak. His name was poor sea oak. Whore sea oak is what I'm hearing. No, horsey. Damn it. No. No.

Don't take this from me. His name is Horsey Oak. His name is Horsey Oak. I was going to do a whole joke about how he's from the valley outside of Oakvale and it was going to be a valley reference. It was going to be a funny LA joke, but you guys ruined it. By turning it into a joke for everyone.

Now, I hate horses because you ruined my day. This doesn't make sense. This does not make sense. No, no, no, no, no. Just because someone is named the name horse doesn't mean you hate four-legged animals with long faces. It's just that when Henry came to our world and forgot his past, he had a low-key suspicion and tension around the word horse. It was like a traumatic situation.

thing for him yep you know freddie if you ever have like a child and you begin oh my god what you'll discover is that you can't name your kid anybody the name of anybody you've ever disliked in your entire life so you'll find you and your partner like exchanging names and then be like no not that one that person i hated like in elementary school so i get it i kind of feel like uh horsey oak was also he was like a teen druid and would turn into a horse that's it that's

That's the new series. It's called Teen Druids. Literally, that's Animorphs. That's literally Animorphs. It's a real shame that you came up with the best possible character and it's not one we're playing. So Horsey Oak was like a mean teen who would like turn into a horse and shit on Henry's bed and stuff like that. I fucking love Horsey Oak. Gallop away and be like, oh, hoo, hoo, hoo.

So, Anthony, you know who's going to show up in this episode now. You know what you have to do now, Anthony? I just tossed you the fucking keys to this Ferrari, so anytime. No, the problem is you tossed me a villain that's better than the current villain we have. The reins to the horse. That's got some fucking Thanos killing Loki energy. Oh, are you kidding? It would be incredible if Barry's newest fun partner that he likes, essentially his adopted son is Horsey. Yeah, his new son, his adopted son.

Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, and it relates to last week's episode or whatever week. I don't, I've lost all sense of time in 2020. That Ron himself had a pet rock as a child, just as Ron was the pet rock to Henry recently. But Ron's father would not let him take any pets inside the house. No pets in the house.

So Ron had to leave his rock outside among the other rocks and he forgot which rock was his pink rock. That's really good. Yeah. That's very good. What did he do? Did he just move on with his life? Did he keep looking? I think he kept looking. I think it was, there was some sort of like when your mom tells you, oh yeah, he went to go play

in the hamster coop with the other hamsters and you ran away to the garden or something do you think your dad knew what rocket was walked outside and chucked the rock to make sure you never find it oh my gosh i hadn't even considered that i dang what a villain i feel like yeah i'm not at liberty to say because ron would not have even considered that but like yeah low-key yeah bro

Hi, I'm Anthony Birch, your referee for this episode. Oh, I was going to make a referee joke. Oh, man. Hey, Anthony, sick reference. Yes. Wait, reference to what? Dungeons & Dragons 1, they're called referees. They're not called dungeon masters. They're called referees. It's like they wanted it to be a sport. My ref... This is going to be the first eSport. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Guy Gax was like, what if there was a way to stream this? We could make it an eSport. You hard cut back to a girl saying like, I only date guys who are into sports and then his fist tightening in anger. He's like, I'll show you a sport. We have a referee too. That's not what I'm most impressed about in terms of sports.

So these last couple of weeks, we had our Patreon one shots that we did. So basically, if you're an elite member of our Patreon, you can choose to like be in a one shot in the Dungeons and Daddies universe that I will DM for you. Last time we did that, I was like, hey, whatever. If you want to create an item, I'll give it to the daddies in the real game and then they'll use it. And I can't use that as a reward anymore because you guys have completely forgotten about the sort of pocket sand. So he's like, we don't want that. And I was like, OK, so what?

What happened with the- Sorry, everybody. I ran into the same session. It was really fun because I got two completely different experiences. One, we went through and it was really cute and they did the puzzles and had little fun adventures and all that kind of stuff. And it was great. The other group, it was four people. And this is how they introduced themselves to me. They went, hi, I'm so-and-so. I look like this and I'm the bard of the group. Second person went, hi, I'm so-and-so. I look like this and I'm the bard of the group.

I look like this and I'm the Bard of the Grove. It was four bards. One of them had the ability to, he literally could not mathematically make a persuasion roll less than 21. It was impossible. What?

He min-maxed. He min-maxed. He min-maxed. Get out of it. So hard. They didn't do a single fucking puzzle that I put in front of them. That's so funny. Not a single combat. They saw what you guys were doing on the podcast and went, that's child's play. Obviated everything. That leaves me going to message this person and get those hints. Yeah. The thing is...

because of the stuff that they accomplished in those, there may be a couple of moments where you see something like, what the hell is that? That hasn't been set up. And I will explain in the moment, or maybe you'll just be able to figure it out, that those are going to be small references to items or things or very weird stuff that happened. The events of those one shots where Walter got kidnapped and the kids hired some like mercenaries to go rescue them. Or bards. So basically you may see some...

I'm going to be fine.

It'll be fine. It'll be fine. I feel like you're the person at like the meeting or whatever who is presenting your own ideas as if there's somebody else's. So that like, oh yeah, like my boss, he came up with this great, you might think it's pretty dumb. My high girlfriend who lives in Canada thinks that this is a really good thing we should do. You know, I thought it was pretty dumb at first. My boss, he's like fucking smart, thought that this is what we should do.

To be fair, none of these references sound any more niche than the kind of dumb L.A. shit I've been dropping lately. All right, let's jump into the real wild world of Dungeons & Dragons 1.0.

So to summarize what happened last episode, it was put to Henry that if he can go into the end of a particular dungeon that's in the town of Oakvale, he'll understand stuff about his past and why he'll want to stay in Oakvale and all this kind of stuff. The catch is the dungeon itself holds time within it so that anybody who steps into it immediately ages. And so the only way you can get in safely is by putting your consciousness into a homunculus and then the homunculus can go in in your stead. The dungeon is governed by the rules of D&D 1.0.

All of you agreed that you would go in with the exception of Glenn, who never even gets unconscious for wisdom teeth removal. And he and... By the way, that came out. I saw nary a fucking peep from anybody with DDS at the end of their name. I think they fucking know that I'm onto them. I'm onto them. Fucking liars. Wisdom teeth...

Thieves steal my wisdom teeth. Somehow it does not surprise me that dentists don't listen to this podcast. I don't know why, but it makes sense. So the plan, I believe, was that Glenn is going to stay outside along with the Lord of Chaos. Yes. Okay. So when we last left you, Canary had basically turned around, produced a die that was the wrong shape.

for the kind of characters you're going to be rolling. Already off to a good start. She produced the D20 when she should have produced three separate D6s and said, let's roll your characters. So the question, first of all, is you guys have already built your characters out before we started. What do your homunculi look like? Because the scenario goes, I can just make it look like you.

They could just look identical if you want. Or would you want to be taller, like a little bit more buff? Do you want to have a fun mustache? We can be whatever we want. Yeah, whatever you want. I mean, as long as it's basically the same, you know, six foot by two foot sort of humanoid shape. Dan Marino. I don't know what that is. Don't worry about it, but I'm, yep, perfect. Sorry, what are you, how is this working, Daryl? Do you like ghost go behind her and like move her hands over the... To sculpt Dan Marino. The mud man and you sculpt Dan Marino. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Yes. Yes, this is exactly what happens. Oh, you have to craft it, Canary? Yeah, she took a bunch of mud out of the ground and is basically shaping it with her hands. And she's an amazing sculptor. First, she basically makes the figures of all of you and then asks, like, hey, do you want any, you know, do you want something special? And I presume you go behind her and turn yourself into Dan Marino? Think about the most beautiful man that's ever lived.

with the heart of an eagle and the brain of a dolphin. Well, pretty much the opposite of Ron. Whoa. Hey, Daryl, that's not okay. That's negative. Oh, sorry, Ron. That's a real mean thing to say. Ron, you're beautiful in your own way, but I would say in most ways, Damarino is actually pretty closely opposite of you.

You got a mustache. He doesn't. You're pretty short. He's pretty tall. He's very beautiful. You're great. You're a great guy. Keep talking, Daryl. My homunculus is going to kick your homunculus' ass. Not possible, Ron. We'll see about that. Okay, so. Canary, can I go next? Yes, please. Okay. I would like to be six feet tall or even taller. Very, very tall. Not a problem. And then I would also like to be a dog. Okay.

A big dog, but not a too big dog to, cause I want to be a big dog, but a big dog that could still go and sit on people's laps. Okay. So I could make you, I can make you six foot tall when you pop up onto your hind legs. Yes. Okay. What kind of dog are we talking about? Oh,

I don't know. There's so many that are. I really like sort of poodle-y things or maybe a shepherdy thing. Some sort of gentle, soft dog with kind eyes. And my name will be Sparky. And I will love giving kisses and going for car rides.

So that. Perfect. So for the first time in history, somebody ethically manages to create a combination of the different dog traits that you mentioned. And the exact dog that you just described now sits before you and is it's like. And it's Dan Marino. It looks just like Dan Marino. It's weird. She just makes Dan Marino again.

Like a dog? No, she makes an adorable dog. She doesn't make a second damn Reno. I would like to, you know, I feel like I kind of just want to be myself in there, but could you give me like cool elf ears? I've always wanted to see what I would look like with cool elf ears, you know? And like, maybe give me a look like without glasses. Cause you know, like I like how I look with my glasses on, but maybe on the other side, I can not have glasses. The moment you say elf ears, Daryl flashes back to Ron licking the elf ears. Ha ha ha!

And he does like, he like, he kind of shivers a little bit and steps just a little bit farther away from Ron. Well, wait a second. When did Ron lick Elphiars? Yeah, when did I lick? In the BDSM podcast. In the BDSM episode. Oh.

Thank you, Beth. That's what sex was. She makes a version of Henry. She, like, pulls on the frames of the glasses made of mud that she's done and, like, morphs them into ears, basically. Fuck, Canary, you're really talented at this. Have you studied pottery and sculpture? It's a conservation of matter, dude. Fuck. No, it's just the hobby mind, and, you know, if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. We don't work here anyway. It's a double joke. It's a joke on a joke. Oh, it's like a post-job society. Hey, Peyton, buddy, who are you going to be?

Well, I think you literally can't be more intimidating than this, he says, pointing at himself. So I think just make me again. And so as she's beginning to do that, she goes, I'm getting weird old energy from you. That's right. And she goes over and she touches him and she pokes him in a very particular way. And you've seen him get, you know, bruised before. You've seen him get cuts and all that kind of stuff. But when she pokes into him, his skin depresses just like it's mud. It's like, whoa. What the hell?

What the hell is that? What are you doing? Oh, you're already one of, we, you, okay. So Barry Oak probably already made you, I guess. You look like you're a Barry Oak original. And he goes, I don't know what you're talking about, baby. Yeah, yeah, no. I can see his little, his maker's mark kind of thing right there above your left eyebrow. There's a little tiny dot there. That's a Barry special. Barry made this? Barry made Peyton? What?

All right, hold on. He's taught me how to do homunculi. Okay, so now Peyton is Daryl's dad, my brother, Ron's brother. It's not Ron's brother. He is my brother. No, Ron. So Ron and I are brothers. Yeah. And that means we're also Daryl's uncle? No, I'm your dad. You're my...

I'm your dad. Both Piers' dads. No, Baden. My dad's in you. Everyone's dad. Everyone is my child. You're in my dad. I'm not quite sure how it works. Everyone say daddy. I'm the uncle of your dad. And, uh...

We are family. All I know is that Barry's got some explaining to do when we're done with this. Okay. But what does that mean? Canary can keep come with us? Yeah, but it seems like it's real dangerous in there. You know, like you only get one shot, you know, with this kind of not miss your opportunity. I don't want to, you know, but I just like,

It'd be one thing if we were sending in like an avatar of Peyton, you know, like on with everyone else's avatars. But I don't like if none of us are really risking our lives. I don't know if Peyton should risk his life. Yeah. Is he going to get hurt down there? Is he going to get hurt? I mean, if he does go down there and he gets hurt and his soul gets ejected from his homunculus. Yeah. It can't go back into one. I mean, but he's like a kid, right? He's got a body somewhere that is his soul could just go back to. Right. We don't know that. Oh, that's dark. We thought he was just created as like a vessel to hold. Yeah.

You know, it's other stuff. That doesn't sound like something Barry would do. That sounds kind of cruel. But I assumed that he was going to be a kid's... It was like this. She points at Dan Marino and then she points at Daryl. I assumed there was just like an uglier version of this man running around somewhere. I mean, you're not lying. You're not lying. I'm just staring at Dan Marino. I'm just like, not lying.

But no, I suppose if something bad happens to Payton in there, then yeah, I guess his soul will just sort of dissipate into the ether. I mean, I've always been living like I only have one life to live anyway. This ain't no different for the P-Dog, so I don't know what to tell you. Dad huddle, excuse us, Payton. I don't think Payton should go in there. Yeah, it's a little dangerous. That's a little rowdy. It does seem like Payton, buddy, I think you might have to sit this one out. I think it's a little... Oh my God, you would never let me do anything fun. None of us will get hurt if we're in there. Fine, fine.

I'll guard the children again. Yes. He says gesturing at Glenn and the Lord of Chaos. Yes. Okay, I guess it'll just be the three of us. All right. Jeez Louise. So Canary goes, all right, are you ready to change clothes as it were? We've gone through a lot of crazy stuff, gang. And I just want to say, like, this is going to be a trippy one. And I really appreciate my fellow dads helping me out with this. And I know this is going to be really scary. We're here for you, man. All right. Peyton, do you mind? And Frank, can I just get like,

Yo, just like be safe out here and like watch, watch out for Glenn. Can I get a hug? Yep. Yep. Come here. Hug your daddy. Hug your daddy. Okay. Uh, all right. I'll give him a big bear hug. He goes, big bear hug. And he tries to squeeze you as hard as he possibly can, but you're squeezing him far harder. And he goes like, yeah, you can't breathe. And quick secret for, uh, Larkin Sparrow. Just, just threaten them with boredom. I like it. And Glenn, just don't do anything he says. Don't, not a problem. Okay. Why start now? Okay. Henry tearfully turns to his beautiful boys and says, Larkin,

Lord of Chaos, I'll see you on the other side of this and be a very good Lord of Chaos until I get back. We are both going to spend the next 10 seconds pretending that we're not hoping you're going to get into terrible danger from which we have to save you. So in that 10 seconds, we could say all manner of very sweet thing about how much you mean to us as a father, but know that we are secretly wishing for you to get into peril. Well, that hurts my feelings, but we'll talk about that when I get back. The 10 seconds are up. We hope you die.

Come on. That's not fair. You don't mean that. I'm your old man. Of course not. We don't want you to die. We want you to get very close and then we, the Lord of Chaos, will run in as the true hero that we always knew we could be. We gotta talk about how you guys are still watching action movies. I thought we banned those. I don't know how you're still seeing those. John Wick. John Wick. They're like all of the Grey's Anatomy audience. Ooh, we don't want them to die. We don't

We want them to get really close, though. That's it. No more Grey's Anatomy. No! We love Grey's Anatomy! Patrick Dempsey! So Canary goes, all right, who'd like to be first? I'll go first. Henry steps forward. So she walks over to you and she goes, boop, and puts a hand on your nose and then puts another hand on the nose of the Henry Oak Homunculus of the Homunculus Oak. And she goes, and a one, and a two, and a...

Very mystical spell. Yeah, does a little explosion with her hands. And the last thing you see before everything goes dark for a second is her hand on your nose and then beyond her, a version of you with no glasses and an elf ears. Everything goes dark and when everything comes back, you're looking at sort of a mirror image of the same thing, but this version of you has glasses and no elf ears and you can just feel that you are different, that you are inside a different body. Yes, may I tell you about that beautiful body that I am now in? If you phrase it differently...

As Henry comes online, he feels in his bones that he is Yurna, which is Henry backwards. And he is a level one magic user elf. And if you are an elf, you gain the following benefits in Dungeons and Dragons 1.0. That's why I asked for those elf ears. Elves are more able to note secret and hidden doors, able to locate secret passages on a roll of one to four,

At the referee's option, elves may be allowed the chance to sense any secret door they pass, a one or a two indicating that they may become aware that something is there. Also, elves have the ability of moving silently and are nearly invisible in their gray-green cloaks. Delightful. Cool. I want to go. Canary puts her hands on your nose and then on Dan Marino's nose, and she goes, I put my hand on Dan Marino's nose also. Because that won't make it work. It means you'll just go back into yourself. Okay, sorry. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Very good. She goes, one, two. And all of a sudden, you're no longer looking at Dan Marino. You are looking at Daryl, who is kind of just... I probably should have mentioned this with Henry, too, but he's just sort of standing there with a blank look on his face like he's kind of sleepwalking. His eyes are still open, but there's nobody home. Oh, as Daryl appears in Dan Marino's body, he looks around. He cannot believe it. He goes...

Hey, buddy, I'm Dan Reno. Nice to meet you. And he puts his hands out to Daryl. He goes, ah, just kidding. Okay. If you put your hand out to Daryl, then Daryl falls over. Daryl falls over. She goes, oh, no, I was going to touch yourself. That's going to hurt. That's going to hurt my back. You can't touch yourself in D&D 1. So I did a random character generator. And one of the things I randomly generated was I have a missing limb. Ah.

So I kind of want to stick with that. Okay. You know, one way he could lose his arm is that he can like go for the handshake and then like Daryl, even though nothing's home, the muscle memory is still there. Yeah, he squeezes super hard and falls back. And it rips his arm off. And rips off your arm. That's good. I like that. That's cool. And then when that happens, yes, Daryl just comes with this dope backstory where it's just like, yeah, it's like Furiosa meets Rookie of the Year. He's just been working on this one arm so strong. He's the farthest thrower. The second he gets his arm ripped off, you turn to the others and go, okay, the backstory of why I lost my arm when everyone watched it happen.

Yep. Terrell's getting really into this. My character has been training his entire life with this super arm, rookie of the year style, to become the best thrower of like magical daggers. But they're like footballs. Like pretty much. I'm like throwing footballs with their daggers. Magic daggers. Cool. And that's just Ron's turn, right? Ron, come on in here. The water's warm. Or fine. I forget what the saying is. What?

The water's warm means you peed in it. Yeah. Okay, I'm ready. That too. All right, Canary puts her hands on your nose, then her hands on the doggy's nose. And she goes, one, two, whoop. And suddenly you're looking at Ron's crotch. Oh my gosh, what a handsome boy. I'm going to sniff it.

It smells trustworthy. Ron, stop. Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, guys. I'm really happy to see everybody. I've never been this happy to see anybody in my life. I'm so happy to see you all. Lark and Sparrow immediately come over. And they go, can we pet you? Please do. I love that. And they go, yeah.

And they just, four hands are just like running up and down you and scratching you and having a grand old time. And Peyton's like, it's a good boy. While we're here and while I'm being such a good boy, I should tell you that I am a fighter and a- Yes, you are. A C. Yes. Yes, I am. I am. I have a lot of equipment, but none of it really makes sense for a dog to have. But I will say that I have a

plate armor but it moves so that i only use it on my little doggy chest because otherwise people couldn't pet me if a dog had plate armor would you wear it like this or like this honestly the idea of like a terrier poodle mix with plate armor is very fucking cute it's like a little vest

Yes, it's like Wargreyne. Yeah, the Vesta. Yeah, it's so good. Oh my gosh. You can walk into the dungeon if you so wish. How strong are the homunculuses? Oh yeah, how many HP does each homunculus have? Oh, so this is what I was going to say. Dungeons and Dragons 1.0, for all of you who don't know, is very scary, and almost certainly we're all going to die immediately. So I was thinking it would be fun to not reveal how much HP we all have until we are about to get hit. Okay. Okay. Hey, Glenn. Yeah. Pick up our bodies and put them somewhere. Yeah.

Um, yeah. Do you guys have like a dolly or something? Canary? We have a dolly in the form of the helping hands of the community, but we have a boditorium that we can put you in to rest your bodies until we can put your souls back inside. We call them the helpful Honda people.

Hey, don't worry, fellas. I got your meat bags right here. I'm going to take care of them. Canary calls over some folks and some of the Reoak gang. Firemen carry your bodies away to a small hut that looks to be relatively comfortable. There's a fair few other just unconscious people here. Hey, Henry, sorry, what was your name again? Rien? Call me Ur-Nan. Ur-Nan. Hey, Ur-Nan. Yeah.

It sounds like you're in. Maybe just call me Henry. All right, Henry. You know, I'm in the de facto QB of this group, and now I'm like the literal QB, but this is your time. So I'm just saying that you're the QB. So like, I'm more like the running back. I'm like Ward Marino. I'm like this running back, like doppelganger. It's all cool. Anyways, I'm just saying like, whatever you want, I'm here for you. Hey man, I appreciate that. Thank you.

Yeah, I'm a little freaked out. I'm still pretty nervous about what we're going to find in this mystery hatch. But I'm glad you're having fun with it, Daryl. You know, like it's important to find joy and awareness and, you know, bliss even in dark, scary moments. So, you know, I think your embracing of this Dan Marino persona, like it reminds me that even though I'm about to descend into a psychological nightmare, so to speak, and we find out horrors and things about myself, maybe I'm not ready to know. You know, maybe I can still have fun with it. So, you know. I realize I've been taking this maybe not so seriously for you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, man, I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'm not saying that wasn't like a, you know, I'm just saying. No, I know. I know. But it's just hard to be that sad when you got such a good boy here with us. I started shaking Ron's ears. I can shake just like Daryl can. See, I hold up my hand out. We're never going in this dungeon, are we? All right, let's go. Let's go.

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So before we go, I just want to make one quick correction. So the three possible character classes in D&D 1.0 are in descending order of how good they are named. A, Cleric. B, Magic User. And C, it's not Fighter, although the website that you guys use to make your characters calls it Fighter. The official name for this character class is Fighting Man! I am a Fighting Man. I'm a Fighting Dog. So you are a Fighting Dog. Yes.

We have to donate to the ASBA. Oh, no. No, it's fine. You're a dog who's a fighting man. That's less weird, right? Yeah, I'm a dog who fights a man. This summer, DreamWorks presents... Glenn, from your perspective, you see a very large dog, slightly more attractive Henry, and Daniel Marino descending a hatch into a dungeon beyond the door of which you know not what lies. And as I see them walk down...

I pull out a doobie and I light up that spliff. Oh my God. I spark my lighter. I light up that spliff, take a deep drag and I go, it's time to rock and roll, baby. What does that mean? What do you do? I was so relieved you didn't pull out your gun and then I, now I'm even more scared. I was also so relieved of the idea that like Freddie was just going to sit out this episode. What?

Wow. No kidding. Daryl's been mean this episode. Mean Daryl. That's what I thought for a second. The way Anthony was just going on. I was like, oh, I guess, I guess Freddie's just, I guess Freddie's just back there. Also, I feel like Canary would be like, yo, give me a hint of that. Are we going to? Oh, my God. This is.

Like, actually, this is great enough to share with the class. This is the love story that I'm here for. Oh, word canary word. OK. All right. OK. You got to be careful. This some this some dank. I think I know. I think I know what I live in a forest. OK. I pass the doobie over to her. But as she holds her hand, I drop it accidentally into her palm into her palm. OK.

So she goes, ah! And she reaches out to catch it. Her reflexes are pretty good. Oh, sorry, sorry. You almost dropped it there. Don't drop, don't drop the dube. Sorry, did I get you? Are you okay? Like, it was lit. Yeah, no, I mean, it hurt a little bit, but like... I'm sorry, shoot. My bad, my bad. That's hella harsh in the vibe. My bad, my bad, my bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cool, it's cool. Does she take a righteous drag? Yes, she takes a righteous drag. Earn that explicit tag on iTunes, baby. What are the kids doing? So, I think that it's taken Glenn four seconds to start smoking weed in front of my children.

Thanks, Glenn. Canary takes a big old hit off of the joint and is like, oh, that's good. And then the Lord of Chaos puts out its hand and goes, me next, please. Me next. It's my turn. And she goes, yeah, no problem. And like begins to like, Glenn's going to intercept. Glenn's going to intercept. Roll dexterity. This is the best dexterity roll. Yeah, never come back to us. Yeah, this is great. Yeah, we'll just cut to you guys having done the dungeon already. Nine plus three, twelve. Nine plus three, twelve. Are you fucking kidding me? Okay, I got to give her a roll now.

Okay. So she goes, Ooh, no bogarting. And she like dodges your hand out of the air, like a fucking Kung Fu move and then hands it to the Lord of chaos and Lord of chaos grabs and goes, yay. And it's just like holding in his hand going, I'm an adult. I'm an adult chaos. Here's how you do it. You blow out on it to get the smoke to go. Sounds about right. And, uh, the Lord of chaos puts the weed up to its hood. And then some smoke just goes in the wrong direction. They go, Oh yeah,

Oh, yeah, that's some good stuff. That's some good. Oh, wait, just a second. Wait a second. Just a second. And then Lord of Chaos puts it down to their crotch. And then the same thing happens again. Oh, no. Yeah, that's right. Why don't you pass that back? No problem. I loved it. Oh, that was so good. And he gives it back to you. And it's like, oh, it's like I'm flying. Nice. Like I'm flying with my brother. Somebody in the circle put the joint to their crotch and then handed it to him. He's like, yo, are you okay? Like, I don't want that. Kaderi's like, wow, that's a whole thing. Yeah. Well, Glenn, you tried.

So you descend down into the hatch and there is a stairwell that slowly gets darker the further down you get. And there is a door at the end of the stairwell that is closed. I open it. Okay. Oh, and then I'm about to open it and then I stop and go, wait.

Henry, I forgot your time to shine, baby. And I take a step back. Okay. QB. Okay, thanks, Daryl. You got two options. You can either open it or close it. Or keep it closed. No other options. Thanks for letting me know the play, Daryl. I appreciate that. Henry looks at the door. What is he like? Tell me about this door. It is definitely not a Forgotten Realms door. It's not, you know, your typical tavern wooden thing with a little adorable...

gold filigree and blah, blah, blah. No, this is a, this is an earth door. It's a Dharma initiative door. Yes. It is closer to a Dharma initiative door than it is to a like, welcome to the magic tavern ass door. It looks old. It looks like it's been overgrown a little bit. It looks like when you open it, it's probably going to squeak a little bit because of the elements sort of hitting it over the course of many years. Mm-hmm.

Can you hear anything behind it, Henry? I put my ear up to the door. There we go. That's what I was hoping you would do. I believe when you listen in this, I'm basically trying to like speed find the different rules for D&D 1.0 in this 80 page document. And they're not that well written. But my understanding is that when you listen, you just hear whatever is on the other side. If you're being careful enough to do so. That's good. Usually your hearing doesn't fluctuate over time. It's kind of here. Yeah.

Roll to see if your ears are good. What about my dog ears? What if I put my dog ears up against it? And then I scratch at the door a little bit and I go...

Oh, it's very cute. It's gonna be bad when you fucking die. Yeah. So Henry hears some shuffling on the other end of the door. It sounds like the shuffling of one creature. And then you don't hear anything else because you hear the sound of Ron's adorable claws clawing on the door. I hold up a finger and I go, I think there's one guy in there. Let's just be real careful. Okay, everyone. Okay.

Oh, wait, actually, I have something for this. And then Henry reaches into his bag. So I rolled 110 gold points, and then I bought pretty much one of everything. So Henry takes a step back and pulls from his bag a 10-foot pole.

Ooh. And he says, everyone get behind me. And then I use the pole to push the door open. While he's doing that, I'm preparing my cool death ray daggers or whatever they're called. Death ray, what? Well, I have death ray or poison. How do you have death ray? That's not a level. Um, that is not a level one magic user spell. Excuse me. I see what you're saying. No, no, no. The thing on your character sheet that says death ray or poison 11, is that what you're referring to right next to your HP? Yeah. That's your saving throw. That's your saving throw for somebody death ray or poisons you. Uh,

Oh, okay. But instead of daggers, can I have spiky footballs like blood? I don't know, Matt. How'd you fucking spend your gold? Well, I have a dagger. So I'm saying I want, instead of a dagger, I got that. Yes, not a problem. I have a quiver of 20 arrows. As a dog? Yeah.

That's okay. Very cute. Me and Beth did random. This is why. I have one week of rations also. You'll be all set. I'm nervously eating and I'm holding my spiky football up. You're eating your way through two days of rations while looking in this door. I have one week of iron rations. Is that like a vitamin or like actual? They got more fiber in them. Okay. It's special K. Okay, so. That's the cereal, right? Or is that the drug? Special K. It's both. Oh, baby. Oh, did they name the drug after the cereal? Not the other way around. Yeah.

They named the cereal after the drug. You chase one with the other for a complete breakfast. I had my ketamine pops this morning. They were great. Gotta have my pops. Once you pop again, stop. Face down in a cereal bowl. Oh, dark. So with your 10-foot pole, you push open the door and you can see the shadow of the figure walking around in there. It seems to be humanoid.

Again, there only seems to be one of them and it seems to be moving relatively slowly kind of ambling about. I say hail and well met fellow traveler. Be he friend or foe. So the figure stops and then it turns toward the stairwell and then starts walking. As it's walking, we still can't see it until it gets closer, right? So as it's going, I toss. I have six torches for some reason.

Because it's random. I toss my torches in through the door slot, so it's hopefully illuminating him. Use that damn Reno throw to light him up. So you throw a torch in. So that means as it gets close to the door, you can see that it appears to be a normal human being, except its clothes are torn. Flesh is rotting off of its face. Zombie. It's wearing like a Newsies hat. You hate to see it. It looks like Christian Bale. Yeah, it looks like Christian Bale. It raises its finger at you and it goes...

And it starts walking up the stairs at you. It's a fairly narrow stairway, so there's not really space to move around it. You can either attack it, try to push through it, or move back up the stairway. What do you want to do? I poke it with the 10-foot pole. Nice. I like to kind of scoot it to the side, like I'm trying to shuffle it away from us. Or maybe I'm just poking it to try to hold it back. I'm like, oh, there's a zombie coming towards us. What should we do? What should we do? If you want to pin it up against the side with the pole, you could do that, but this is a very temporary solution. Yo, push it up, and I hold my spiked ball down.

and I'll just smash his head in a bunch. Okay, that's a great idea. I try to pin the zombie to the wall with the 10-foot pole so Daryl can get a clean hit on it with the football. All right, give me an attack roll. So I can just tell you the zombie's AC is seven, so you have to roll a 12 or above. Okay, I got a 13. The zombie is pinned. Daryl, go ahead and give me an attack as well. Do I get some sort of, like, not advantage, but is there any benefit for him pinning him? No, it just means he's not going to be able to counterattack. He's not going to be able to deliver the paper.

Nice. I rolled an eight. So with an eight, you miss. Your Dan Marino throwing arm betrays you. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe the zombie just gets lucky and dodges out of the way at the last moment. But it's still pinned, and presumably it's going to stay there. Actually, why don't we get a strength roll from Henry? Uh-oh, how do I do that? Boy, I wish I knew. Roll 1d6 for every level or hit dice that you have. Okay, so I have one...

hit dice, so... Because we're level one, right? Yeah. Okay, I got a four. Alright, so it's going to roll one hit dice and we're going to see if it's higher or lower. One. Okay, so it's still pinned. Alright. So Ron, it's your turn now. Okay. I mean, okay. That's happy dog Ron. Ron, do something! I roll over it.

And then I look at the zombie and I would like to rip its throat out with my muzzle. Nice. So is that going to be an unarmed attack or are you attacking it with like a doggy weapon or do you have a weapon? I mean, my teeth are kind of a doggy weapon. I feel like that's like a dagger or something. Yeah, it feels like a dagger originally. Short range. So go ahead and roll a d20 and try to get a 12 or higher. Okay.

Try real hard, Beth. I'm going to try. Ooh, I got 17. Okay, great. You lunge at this thing and bite into its zombie neck. Now roll a D6 of damage. I growl really quick, though. Fantastic. And then I'm going to roll one. Take a little nibble. I get to roll a hit dice to see how much health it has at all. So let's see. Okay, so you've done half of its total life damage to it. Good boy, Ron. Bark, bark.

Once again, it's back up to Henry. Henry is going to, I'm 10 feet away from it, so I'm just going to keep pinning it to the wall so my friends can keep going. So what do I, is that an attack roll or a strength roll? No, I think you just do it because on its turn, it's going to try to resist and get away from you. So I think you're just good. And that was Daryl again. All right, I'm not going to miss this time. And I raise the spiked football and I bring it down on its head. Okay, cool. Go ahead and roll a d20. Okay.

Got a three. Okay. I feel like what's happening is the tip of the football is like, doesn't have spikes on it. So I'm just like booping it on the head with a, with a soft bar of the football. Yeah. So there's boink and just like bounces off the top of its head. So it's going to go ahead and roll a D six for its hit dice. And now Henry, you're going to do the same. Okay. I forgot. I got a three. All

All right, it got a two, so it's still held. Ha ha! Now it's Ron's turn. You know what? Let's just go for the old bark bark throat rip again. You know, why not? Why not? Let's just do it. Yeah, all right. So I'm going to roll this.

I got 16. Okay. You bite it again, and this time you just managed to chew through the rest of its neck and you decapitate the zombie, and it is done for. Its head is still lolling around and its tongue is still like, but it is effectively no threat to you at all. I shake it in my mouth like a tennis ball on a rope, and I wag my tail. Adorable.

Good boy, Ron. Good job, team. Good job, team. Thanks, guys. We all helped equally out. Yeah, we all tried. Thank you. Henry searches the body. And I want to look at this newsy cap, too. On the body, you find like a hole inside of its chest, like a little entry wound of some sort. It doesn't have any items on it.

So the hat looks to be a classic 1930s, 20s, 40s kind of just hat, like the cool hat that they wore back in those old days. Tell me more about the clothes that this monster is wearing. It is hard to tell because it appears that they have been torn up and decayed over time. There are white scraps on top of gray scraps on its torso. Like it was wearing at least two layers of clothing. The outermost layer was white and then the layer within that was gray.

Okay. There's a bullet wound. You said there's a hole in its chest. Does this Newsy's cap look like it's from our world? Is it? Yes, it does. Okay. All right. So Henry looks at the hat and inspects and he says, guys, this is like from our world, right? Like this isn't like a fantasy hat, right? Yeah, this is definitely, you know, this feels like the fries all over again. All right. Okay. Some of our stuff in here. We're getting into some heavy shit gang. Feels like every bad dude I dated in high school. Yeah.

As the zombie reaches down and tips its own hat at you? No. Milady. Milady. Milady.

Henry puts the newsy cap on and steps into the room. Okay, cool. Before I go in, I cut a foot off of my 50-foot rope, which I also have, and I use it to tie my lantern to the end of my 10-foot pole. And now I'm walking into the room with the lantern on the end of the 10-foot pole. Cool.

That's fun. To cast light about the room. Okay, so that means you can stand in the doorway and still sort of see what's going on inside the room. Okay. So you are coming in from, let's say, the west entrance of this room. Oh boy, get the pen and paper out, everybody.

I'm going to be relatively visible with it. We're going full fucking Zork text adventure shit. So in this room, you can tell that there is the door to the west, which you are currently standing in the doorway of. There's a door to the north, to the east, and to the south. And this particular room, there is like a couch against one wall and a chair with a desk and what seems to be like an old rotary phone next to it, like an old classic water cooler that's made of like glass.

some very dead plants, some framed pictures that have shattered and the pictures inside have rotted away. I motion every one forward and say, guys, get a load of this. And I very cautiously enter the room. I follow. To the north, there is a closed door. And in front of the closed door are about four or five dead goblins. Their eyes are all bugged out. The veins on their necks are bulging out. They look like they're in incredible agony. They're dead in a little pile in front of the door. The doors to the east and south are just closed.

Guys, what the heck is going on in here? There was a zombie guy with a newsboy cap. This room looks like it was from, you know, the one time I went to New York City, we saw this experimental play called Sleep No More. And it looked a lot like this. It was a lot of, you know, it was more Mercedes thing than mine. I didn't really get it, but there was a lot of this stuff going on. A lot of environmental storytelling. You could open up the drawers, look at that stuff. That one has the nudity, right? Yes. Yes.

If you did it right. That was Daryl asking. Oh, sure. Yeah, I realized after you asked. Ron goes over to the rotary phone. Okay. Maybe like. As a dog. Yeah, as a dog. And then like sort of muzzles the receiver off of the thingy thing. Oh, good idea, Ron. Good. Call for help, boy.

I pick up the receivers, see if I can hear anything. No dial tone. No dial tone, unfortunately. I guess this is weird, but considering I just found out you're from here originally, I guess there's just some whole crossover stuff going on. It's like sliders. It's a good show. This is freaking me out. Of course Daryl likes sliders. Of course Daryl's a fucking sliders man. The idea that Daryl's having arguments with Carol about like, I don't know why you like stuff like Primer when there's perfect sci-fi like sliders there. I mean, it's weird.

They go to a dinosaur planet and then they gotta save a raptor. It's easy. What else do you need? Henry is going to inspect these shattered picture frames. The pictures inside have yellowed and decayed to the point where you can't really tell what you're looking at, but you can generally get the sense that they were like from the neck up portraits of people.

But we can't like they're all faded. Yeah, they're really faded. I mean, you can tell from like the neck area that they're wearing like collared suits and like one of them is wearing like a white coat. You can't make out the faces with any degree of specificity. What on earth happened here? What happened here? It's the ultimate immersive. Spooky space station. What happened here? Daryl takes a torch and he goes over to the goblins. He's making sure they're actually dead. He's trying to figure out like if there's something like can he speak through them? Can you poke at them with a 10 foot pole? As you approach the goblins, I go, Daryl, Daryl.

Poke with the pole. We don't know. Goddamn it, this guy was dead and he came out. Those guys come back to life. I'm taking the pole and I'm holding my torch and I'm slowly heading towards the dead bodies. Okay, so you're going to do what with the dead bodies? And then I'm going to poke. Okay.

So you poke the dead bodies. Pulse-pounding D&D action. We've immediately zeroed in on the D&D 1.0 strategy. Exactly, which is just act like a big baby. I poke an eye. Okay, so... You can't fake that. You can accept getting poked, but you get poked in the eye. They're moving. I like that. Daryl's right. So you poke the eye, and you meet some resistance, and the eye meets yields, and the pole just goes into its eyes.

and just goes inside of it. And the goblin to which the eye is attached does not react in any way. It is dead. The Eye Me Yields is my band, and you guys are more than welcome to join. I thought that was the last Tool album. Daryl obviously turns his eyes away from that disgusting sight, and he's going to gently lean over the goblins and inspect the door behind them.

There's a door with a handle and a keyhole. I peek through the keyhole. You cannot see anything. It's dark. I whisper through the keyhole. Maybe there's a key around here. Hey, is there a key on the other side? I'm whispering through the keyhole. Does anybody have a key over there? Silence. Guys.

I think we need a key and there's nobody over there. Or if there is, they're probably scary and they don't trust us. I use my muzzle to root around in the pockets of the goblins. And I'm like, Oh, you find a five gold pieces, but otherwise nothing else. I pocket them in my dog pockets. Dog pockets. Check if the door is actually locked. You wrench down on the handle slowly. I didn't wrench down Anthony. Well,

We'll see you in 10 episodes for when we get through to the next room, guys. Yeah. No, you, you, we're not. No, you put your hand on the handle, you hold it, and then you rotate your wrist. And with a loud hiss, a green gas comes out of the keyhole. And so now you have to roll. Oh, jeez. For saving throw for poison? I close my mouth. Yeah, that'll work. So roll a d20. Well, guys, it was nice knowing you. Don't worry. I rolled a four. Ooh.

I'm having really bad rolls. Am I saving? It says death ray or poison. Like those are the same fucking thing. Stupid ass game. Poison is a 13. So the original rules of D and D 1.0, it mentions poison 23 separate times. Not once of the 23 separate times than poison is mentioned. Does it say what poison does? So it is generally agreed upon that failure of a poison saving through just Insta kills you. So unfortunately with that in mind, Dan Marino, uh,

His eyes begin to bug out. The veins on his neck begin to pulse out. That was the clue, wasn't it? Yeah, that was the clue. He grabs at his neck. Daryl! Daryl, no! Oh, wait, he's not really... Oh, man! Ron starts nudging him with his muzzle and whining and then looking around for somebody to help his master. Don't open any doors. Just...

Oh, God. And then he lays down next to the body. Oh, it's okay, Ron. I hold on to Ron and I fall asleep forever.

So the next thing that you see when you open your eyes, Daryl is Canary, Glenn, Lord of Chaos and Peyton, who notices that you're awake and comes over and he's like, Oh, you're up. What happened? And the Lord of Chaos is like, yes, yes. Tell us, did you die? What happened? Are you dead? Oh man, it was kids. I mean, first of all, your dad's going to be fine because then they can happen to him down there. But I mean, damn Reno didn't survive for more than five minutes. I mean, there was dead goblin bodies everywhere. I mean, honestly, I'm pretty bummed out. Well,

Like, I feel like I could have done more in there, but like, it was fast. It's important that you tried your best, Daryl. The Lord of Chaos says, dead goblins? And you hear the sound of pupils getting larger. The sound of pupils dying. You died in five minutes, huh? That sounds awful. No, no, no. Just to clarify, your dad was like, had it totally under control. He was doing totally fine in there. I was just being an idiot. Papa H has it under control. I'm just thinking about the incredible danger that you were in, that you died immediately five minutes in. What a tragedy.

Meanwhile, Glenn and Canary are having a little conversation like, hey, Canary, do you guys have like fried zucchini or anything like that? Or like fried potatoes? Because if you're just going to do vegetables, you're eating them kind of gross. Do you guys do that? Do you fry stuff up? Why remove the delicious taste of a vegetable by making it all taste like oil? Glenn kind of crosses his arms. It just feels like you're not being very good hosts if you're not going to accommodate my dietary needs. Hey guys, I died.

I lost. I lost right away. How's it going, Glenn? Well, I'm just trying to get our diet situation all set up and they got vegetables here. Your friend died. Did you not want to deal with... I mean, he's right here. You good, Daryl?

What's that smell, Glenn? I'll tell you what the smell isn't. It's not the smell of like French fries that I'm supposed to perform. And I'm accustomed to certain things in the backstage area. Actually, I'm down with that. If you got fries or something, that'd be great. I'm pretty hungry. People are hungry, Canary. 24, Glenn persuades. 24. Okay. Hey, kids, you want fries? Obviously, of course. I'm so hungry. I have the munchies. Ah.

I look at Daryl. I'm like, they're fine. They didn't smoke weed. So yeah, Canary goes to get some. She's like, I guess I'll go get some oil, I guess, and a pot. I don't know why you would do this, but fine. And she walks off. I go with her to explain how to deep fry vegetables. Great.

So we're back in the dungeon. It's okay, Ron. He's in a better place because he's back over there and not, he's fine. So I forgot to mention, the door does open though. Sorry if we were so busy. And it opens into a broom closet and inside the broom closet, there is a file cabinet. Okay. Let's just keep cool. Here's what I'd like to do. And Henry takes his dagger and he cuts the hand off of Dan Marino. Oh,

And he sticks it on to the end of Ron's 10 foot hole. And then I cut another 10 feet of rope and tie like, basically I want to rig this up like a claw grabber so that we can tug the hand to operate stuff. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Yes. You're tightening his fist. Yes. Basically what I'm thinking is there's a string tied around each of Ron's fingers. Well, not Ron's fingers. I guess it'd have to be my fingers.

Because Ron's a dog. And then like each of those strings. Okay, like a string tied around my tail so that when I pull my tail back, it like extends the hand. Yes. So Ron has basically a claw grabber sticked on the end of his dog head that's rigged up 10 feet away and he can use his tail to manipulate it.

Fantastic. The way it's strapped to Ron sounds like a Dr. Seuss book where they have like a creature and there's like a carrot, you know, hanging out in front of them. It's that, but it's Dan Marino's arm. It's Dan Marino's arm. It's got a Super Bowl ring on it. It's Dan Marino's super buff arm with a Super Bowl ring. Ronnie Doggy's not from this land. Ronnie Doggy finds a severed hand. Nice. What do you call it, Henry? Do you call it Mage Hand?

It is a mage hand. Yeah. That's really funny. So we've got mage hand now. Okay, Ron, I think we should proceed with caution into this room. Do you smell any more poison? Ron, do you think the poison's gone? Do I roll smell? No.

When the door opens, you can see that on the reverse side of the door, there is a big old vial of green liquid hooked up to a mechanism that connected to the lock. Oh, I see. So it's like a little chambered. No, the poison is still there in a vial, but it's like whatever latch or whatever catch triggered it, it was triggered by the opening of the door, not like the room itself. Well, I guess by the fact that we're not dead, we know there's no more poison in the air. So let's proceed with caution into this room. What do you say, Ron? Bart, I mean, yes, yes.

Okay, let's do it. The longer Ron spends as a homunculus dog, the closer he becomes a dog. I don't think he'll ever recover. We go into the room. The only thing in this room is the file cabinet. It's a very small room. Ron, I'm going to stand 10 feet back. What do you say you open that filing cabinet with your dog hand? I'm going to try to do it. Okay. What do I have to roll? I don't think you have to roll for that. Yay!

- Oh my God, that's so great. I was like, oh damn. But now it's like, yeah, I could just do it. Okay, I do it with the old mage hand. - All right, so what's gonna happen is generally the way that D&D 1.0 works is anytime you do something that would require any amount of time, I have to roll on the like wandering monster table to see if a monster hears you or comes in or whatever the heck. - Oh, it hasn't been that long.

And no monster show up. You open the file cabinet and inside is a ring. Oh, man. I inspect the ring. You can't tell necessarily what it does on its own. You'd have to put it on. Actually, no. I don't know if this is how it works, but whatever. I feel like you could probably roll like your intelligence or your wisdom or something to get like a vibe. Vibe check. I'm going to do a vibe check. Vibe check's been around since D&D 1.0. It's true. I'm going to do an intelligence vibe check on the dice. So what do I roll for that? A d20? Uh.

Yeah, why not? I think it's an engagement ring. I got a seven. You can at least tell that it's not cursed. It's not going to be a bad thing if you put it on and it's not going to be inextricable from your... What does it look like? It looks like an engagement ring. It looks like an engagement ring. So on the inside lip of the ring, you can see the letters carved SW. This is like Benedict Cumberbatch saying he's con. This means nothing.

to Henry. So, all right. There's an engagement ring. SW. I wonder what that's about. Well, let's pocket this. This might come in handy later. Do you want to try one of these other rooms? Sure. Yeah. Hey, Ron, we're having a good vibe on this adventure. I'm having fun. This is, I'm not having fun. It's scary, but you know, like it turns out the secret for the Ron Henry duo team up is for Ron to be a dog.

Yeah, we should look for another door or something. How are you? All right. You know, it was pretty traumatizing seeing Dan Marino kind of just die in front of us, you know? Anyway, we should just be careful. Yeah. All right, so let's go to another door. Do you want to try the door to the east or the door to the south? Let's try the door to the east. Okay, so the door to the east is locked. There is a keyhole. You tried the handle, poison comes out and you die. Yeah.

Well, I'm going to go south. So in the southern room, the entire floor is covered in loose papers with like typed up, like typewriter, like ink on them and stuff like that. The entire floor is covered with papers with the exception of one band that bisects the room from west to east. You're facing south. And on the other side of this band, on the southeast corner of the room, there is a door. Ron, I got a real feeling that we should shove a 10-foot pole towards that band before we go through it.

I got a real bad feeling about that invisible line. That's all I'm going to say. But before we do that, though, I want to check out these papers. What is this all about? So I look down and I read one of the papers. So on the papers, you see what seems to be a lot of very technical and military speak. You see things about tests failing. You see things about experiments not quite resulting in the jewel output that you wanted. Just give me a straight D20 roll just for luck's sake.

I got a 14. Okay, so 14 is not quite going to get you to the special thing that I've got hidden in there. But if you want to roll again, you can. And I'll just roll on the wandering monster. What about the doggo? Ron gets to roll, right? I did, and I got a five. You got a five. Okay, so also did not help. I can roll again, but that means a monster might show up. It means I'll roll, and if I get a six, a monster will show up. Okay, I'm going to, you know, I feel like there's something special hidden in these papers. Something important. I'm going to keep looking.

I got a 10. Ron, you want to go again? Sure. I got a two. So yeah, no, I rolled a one before. I rolled a one again. So no wandering monster show up. You can, again, continue to do this for as long as you want. So basically you only have to beat a 12 now if you want to find what the thing is. I feel like we're getting close. I'm fine. I'm going again, bro. I'm going again too. I got a six. I got 17. Woo! Hey!

Hey, there we go. Okay, so with the 17, your little adorable wet doggy nose finds a scrap of paper that unlike the rest of them isn't completely covered in text. Only a couple of words are visible on it in the dead center of the page and it's in quotation marks and it says, heart's greatest desire. Is this a screenplay? Does this look like a screenplay to you?

What on earth is going on here? All right. Well, let's file that away with the rest of our mysterious clues, and I think we should press on. You should know that I also have, let's see, two small sacks. And a backpack. That's good to know. It's good to... You know, I could toss one of the sacks. So you wanted to throw a sack or hit the band with a stick or something? I think, Ron, my feeling is let's get way back, and then let's chuck one of your sacks at it. Okay. Oh, you should put some goblin parts in it so it has some weight. Yeah, definitely.

I got the idea to do that all on my own.

Okay, but like when you throw it, you got to hold on to my collar so I don't retrieve it. Good point. Good point, Ron. Good point. Stay. And I hold Ron's collar and I throw the bag at the line in the ground. You throw it at the area of the ground that has no papers on it. And for a second, nothing happens. And then you hear a click and the entire band in the center of the room turns out to be a trap door. It opens up. The bag falls down and you hear a shh as it's stabbed through by a bunch of spikes.

Okay. I do want to point out that as an elf, I am supposed to be able to sense doors. So I don't know if this trap counts as a door, but... I wouldn't count it as one. I guess not. It's really more of a trap. It's a trap pit. Shoot. Is there anything... There's a door on the other side? Yes, on the other side of the band, there is another door. Which you sense, by the way. Yeah, which you could feel the second you... Before you see it, you smell it. All right, fuck you. What if you...

Hold on to my collar and I'll go just sort of like one foot at a time across and we'll just do a little hop over the center line together. Yeah, I guess let's go with that. You go first, Ron. Okay, I'm going to go first and then I put my little paws or my big boy paws on all of the papers and stuff like that. Maybe I look around, see if I notice anything cool that I could take with me back into the...

No, you don't seem to be cool. Ron's a plunderer. You step over. I'm not going to make you roll for it or anything. You just managed to step over the band and nothing happens. The trap door does not open. All right. I follow Ron. And then we apply. But this time it kills you. Weird. No. Yeah.

Uh, no, it works fine. Okay, I inspect the door. So you can tell that the door is not trapped and my wandering monster roll, nothing came up. But you also hear two voices inside. They're going like, we gotta get back to the boss. And they go, no, there's gotta be something else in this room. It can't just be a key. There's nothing else in the fucking room, but a key. What a pain in the ding dong. I told you we shouldn't have come in here. God, who knows how long we've been in here.

Ron, what do you think of these guys in there? I don't know. I don't know how long they've been in there either, but I'm kind of starting to wonder how long we've been in here. Like, how old is my dog in dog years, but how old am I in human years, you know? Oh my God, what if it's an interstellar thing and we come out and everyone else is way older? Oh, we gotta, there's no time to lose. We gotta hurry up. Henry opens the door.

So inside you see two goblins and they turn to face you. And I'm going to make a morale roll for them because there's a chance that they'll just go like that and run. I have a pretty high charisma score. Can I do anything with that? Fortunately, in this mode, charisma only matters about like hiring like hirelings and other fighting men. Yes. Other fighting men. Damn. Renaud really high charisma, too.

Okay, so I'm going to roll 2d6 for their morale, and they got an 8, which means that they have an uncertain reaction. So the two goblins turn and they go, what? Who are you? Who are you? Hmm. You're not from here. Those clothes are not. Hmm. What's going on? Step forward and do a good boy sit and wag my tail and stick out my tongue like, you know, like a friendly dog. That's a good boy. It seems to be a good boy. Yes, isn't it? Yes, it appears to be a good boy.

Boy, hmm, hmm. What if this other one? I say, hail and well met, friends. We are wanderers searching this dungeon for clues about my past. This honesty is the best policy, I feel like. You know, you go in, you shoot straight. Sure. Learned that from Daryl. The goblins go like, my answers, do you mean...

Treasure? Duckets? No, we're not here for treasure. Whatever treasure you guys are looking for, that's up to you. I'm looking for the treasure of knowledge, you see, about my own past. Oh, okay. Then in that case, and they both take out daggers and they just go back off, back off. And they just start walking slowly toward the door toward you. And they're just like, we need to get it back up to the second floor. Just fuck off. Hey, you do you, man. You do you. Just watch out. There's a trap in that room. Don't step on the middle part. We know. We came over the trap in the first place. We're smart. See? Smart, smart. You're very smart. Then why are you going back to the second floor?

in the other way then? Because we have to go back up to our boss to report what we found down here, obviously. Well, can we come with you? You know what? Yes. Yes. Why not? Do you guys know how to get through this dungeon? It seems really dangerous. We vaguely remember how to get up to the third floor, yes. Vaguely. But not like specifically, not so much that you won't have to do the puzzles. Sounds good to me. Sounds good. Do you guys want to team up to get up to the third floor together? Hmm.

Yes, but we reserve the right to stab you in the face if we think you're not being toured with us. Okay, well, we will be fully toured with you if you are toured with us. So, you guys were talking about a key in here, though. Is there, like, a key we should pick up? One of them goes, yes, this key. And the other one goes, don't fucking show the key. What if they're going to kill us and take the key? And the other one goes, well, it's this key. Okay, well, you hold on to the key. I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything in here we were leaving behind. Hey, Henry Oak, nice to meet you, fellas. Mm, mm, mm.

I cannot give you my name because that will give you power over me. So instead, follow me while my friend looks at you with a knife in his hand and hatred in his eye. They keep your distance. Okay. So he leads you back to the locked door. They put the key in. They open the door. You see a stairway leading upward, which doesn't make any sense seemingly because this is underground. This hatch is underground. Why is it doing that? Whoa. It's like a TARDIS. Ron and I are going to follow the goblins up the stairs to the second floor.

Let's go back outside with Glenn and see what he's up to. So I'm with Canary and we're in the cooking area, I guess, because I'm looking at the kitchen that they have. What does that look like? It's basically just a bunch of raw vegetables placed very neatly next to each other. A very, very large

Spice rack, no meat that you can see really. Communal bowls, communal plates. Do they have like an old timey like cooking pot like in the middle of the bubbling stew going at all times, like old times? Yes, they have exactly that. Then they fill that pot up with some hot oil. You know what I'm saying? We put some veggies in it. Canary wanting to be a good host is like, I guess so. Okay, fine. And she just starts pouring out. Thank you. Is it too much to ask?

Just let me know if I'm being imposing. I just have very few requests. That's all. Okay, so you're doing that. Daryl, what are you doing? Daryl's mostly watching Glenn. And then I go up to Glenn. I go, hey, I'm all down for getting us some food. But like, do you think we could be doing a little like, I don't know, like checking in on Barry or just like... Barry knows our faces. We got to keep a low profile. And I just think that it would be smart.

If we lay the seeds for a potential escape, if things get a little bit spicy here. So that's what I'm doing. I'm hungry. How are you doing that? Check this out. And I hold my finger out. I know this prank. No, no, no, no, no. This is a magical forest, right? Yeah. I'm looking at Anthony because when last time someone held their finger out, a bird alighted upon it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So a bird comes down and goes, little Caesar's here. What's going on?

Hey, little guy, I'm so hungry. When we came in here, and I kind of go a little bit out of the way so that, you know, Canary and the Henry folk can't hear me. When we first got over here, we met some wolves. There were some other animals who didn't seem to like this place so much. Yes, yes. It's kind of unpopular amongst a lot of animals. That's so... Not me, though.

Not the birds. That's so unfair. Has anyone tried just talking to them and trying to convince them that this place is pretty cool? The talking to them is usually what makes them sick of this place. Could you do me a favor? Could you just go find some of these animals and bring them over here? I want to have a word with them because I think they got everything wrong about this place. Daryl leans over to Peyton and he whispers like, hey, Peyton, how much did Glenn smoke? Like a pretty big spliff, but like for him...

Definitely not enough to make it... I think this is peak Glenn we're dealing with. I don't think this is weird high Glenn. I think this is normal. Okay. Good question, though, son. Keep your head in the game. Keep your head in the game. Can you get some of these other animals here? Yeah, absolutely. I could go get a deer and maybe a bear and maybe a beaver and maybe a muskrat. You know what? Tell them.

as many as you i'm gonna look around for like a meeting place that i can kind of like have a communion with the animals when they show up eventually and i'm gonna point that out to little seas back help me meet me over in that clearing over there or whatever oh absolutely i would love to okay all right all right little caesar away and she flies away and everybody roll uh give me perception with disadvantage oh man back to we pulled my other back to 5e yeah feel the whiplash

Seriously, I have seven dice. I've not gotten double digits on this. So I got a one and a seven. I got a 21 and a 16. No, fuck you. Double disadvantage. Roll again. Double disadvantage. Double disadvantage. Double secret probation. What is this shit? 21, 16, 17. God damn it. All right.

Glenn's in the zone right now, bitch. I got fucking locked in on this motherfucker. All right, so. I feel like Freddy's in a different world right now. Yeah, Freddy's playing a weird single play RPG that the rest of us are not privy to the rules of. Glenn notices this like half a second too late, which is that everybody's sitting there looking at Canary trying to pour oil into a large cauldron to make tempura essentially. Hell yeah. Peyton's there, Daryl's there, you're there, but.

The Lord of Chaos is not. And Glenn, you turn just in time to see the Lord of Chaos running at full sprint toward the hatch. And the Lord of Chaos leaps into the air toward the open entrance of the hatch, which will, if they land, immediately age them like 50 years. And they leap into the air and they go, Howard! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

No,

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM slash referee. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Word to the patrons. People like Zach Wotruba.

Rita Willard, Lee Morgan, Fiat Lux, that's the name of a car, David Brian Scott, Joe D, Eric Ambrust, Kat Kerwin, Sean McKee, Emily Martin, Kelly McHugh, Blake David, Eric with a K, all you Erics with a C, I'm sorry, Whitey04, and Benjamin Bate. If you haven't yet, now would be a good time to check out At the Mountains of Dadness, which is a three-part miniseries we played in the Call of Cthulhu system about our grandparents.

Anthony assures me, by the way, that you don't need to have heard Mountains of Dadness to sort of know what's going on in this campaign. It's more that you'll just feel extra special because you'll recognize some of the Easter eggs we've peppered in here and there. Again, it's not necessary for the enjoyment of the main storyline, but episode one is on this feed. We released it last year. So give it a shot. And if you like it, check out the whole series by either becoming a patron because all the patrons got Mountains of Dadness for free at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.

or heading to our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. If you're going to poke around on our website, by the way, we're in the middle of tweaking our merch so that we'll be able to offer more items and have reasonable international shipping rates for once. So we'll keep you posted on that. But right now, you still can get the digital downloads for At the Mountains of Dadness and the Rocks Rock EP by Henry Oak. You can follow us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads, reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Thank you so much for listening. Our next episode is coming at you September 1st, so we will see you then.

There was a time when you didn't know they never brought you

No, actually, like it was good that there was so much going on in Will's segment because I did honestly mispronounce hors d'oeuvres in a way like that. I was like, oh, this is why people do that. Because like when. Flashback and let's hear it. I'm going to flashback right now to that and isolate. Computer, isolate Beth's audio from the previous segment. Enhance, enhance. Wait, like hors d'oeuvres. Wow, you really did, Beth.

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