Ep. 43 - Hardcore Henry
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That's BlueNile.com. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Last week's episode was basically just one long, unskippable cutscene. Way to take away your player agency, DM. ♪

Horsey jams his face into the side of the reel-to-reel projector, and he goes, this is fine, this doesn't hurt, this is normal, I love this. This guy's getting his face torn to shreds, but sure, we can hear exactly what he's saying just fine. So you see your grandmother scream in terror, and everything goes black. And when she opens her eyes again, she's somewhere new. So if Henry's grandmother is the sole survivor of some interdimensional event, then who the f***

is supposed to be filming this. After all, it's not like they've invented selfie sticks yet. Henry's screams finally stop as he falls unconscious. And then he comes to in a forest and he meets a beautiful hiker named Mercedes Garcia. And they fall in love and they get married and they have two beautiful boys. Sure, let's just skip over the whole story of their relationship with a quick montage. Okay, so when you open the door to leave the room...

There's a dragon. There's a morale roll, please. So he rolled really badly. If he got a bad roll, according to the rules of OD&D, that means he should have attacked. You know what? I'm giving this one five extra cents for now being the second dragon in this show to be a total f***ing wimp. Hey, Mr. Mustache. Yeah, what's up? You could have your own body. You could be a dog. Let's just have a whole conversation right next to everyone else, but nobody overhears it.

I swear, this whole show never clarifies where anybody is, leaving the poor audience just to have to make assumptions. Canary, where is my father? He'll just be waiting for you at the top of that temple. Do you need us to come with you, Henry? Yeah, you know, I feel like we've been pretty split up from each other. Did Henry just break the fourth wall and make a reference to how the party's been split for the last few episodes? Henry turns into a bear and he says... Uh, nope, nope, that's not how Wild Shape works. When you're in Beast form, you can't speak. It's like these idiots aren't even f***ing playing D&D.

♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a loose Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. I feel like when you say loose Dungeons and Dragons podcast, you're insulting Anthony, who's like doing all this work to run this game. No, he's right. Fine. A tight ass, super strict, fine-e, wizard of the coast, approved. This is what happens, Matt.

this is what happened you guys missed it right before recording i was like let's have a clean fun safe podcast guys and we're already off to this kind of nonsense i'm sorry it's my fault i will say one of the nice things about this podcast is that since we don't play dnd we will never be invited to any official wizards of the coast dnd events ever like i saw this someone was tweeting like oh cool like dnd live here's all the things and it was like a dm panel and i had this thought i was like

Anthony deserves to be on that. No, actually, no, no. I'm just picturing Anthony showing up at that panel and he's like the main character in a Diablo Cody movie. He's hung over and he's got shades on. He's chewing bubble gum and like puts his feet up on the table. I don't know why Diablo Cody was my poll for that, but he sits down cross-legged and starts playing a cup, you know, like in Pitch Perfect. Like, whoa.

If Anthony went to one of those, he would be the one on that panel stage who sits with the chair facing backwards and be like, let me just be real with you guys. Let me tell you kids that, DM. All the other DMs, when they touch the microphone, it makes that feedback noise that happens in every movie when a nervous person touches a microphone. Matt Mercer's over there looking at me like twirling his hair, like, who's this guy? He seems so rude, but there's something about him. He plays the cups and he wrote his own song.

He's got long hair. He wears vintage t-shirts. I'm sorry, Freddie. Do the podcast. We can move on. It's all right. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This was Glenn Fact, a short one. Glenn can fall asleep standing up. All right, moving on. Fucking horse. I was doing the same thing. I will say this. He has to be leaning on something. It's not a freestanding thing. Like leaning on a bed. He has to be leaning on a bed horizontally. Yeah.

I like that Freddie clearly wanted us to follow up on that fact that we were just like, all right, moving on. Yeah. Into his hand.

right into his horsey hands see i was i was doing the same thing because the world's on fire and i just was like no what i want easy i'm tired of not coming up with dad facts i'm just gonna pick an easy five episodes i got it nice and easy i'm just gonna do the senses what are his favorite senses so today i'm doing what are you talking about like what's his favorite sound next week i'll probably do taste or whatever nice and simple that's great for a second i thought you were saying his favorite sense is touch oh sorry what's his love language

His love language is touch. Okay. His love language is barbecue. It's barbecue. Hi, my name is Matt. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay at home coach dad who became a barbarian when he entered the forgotten realms. Um, his favorite sound is the sound that a bag of chips makes when you open it. Uh,

That's it. It's just like a little pop. Oh, his least favorite sound. I'll do the favorite and least favorite. His least favorite sound is the sound of the door closing because that means everybody's gone to work or school and he's all alone. Oh, that's what he said. I think we're going to say like his favorite sound is like. And then he opens up a bag of chips and he's happy. We're back on top, baby. Back on top.

No one can stop me. Rollercoaster every morning. Cool. Hey, Freddie, Matt, thanks for sharing those dad facts. You're welcome. Thanks for being here. It's really hard to talk about, but I'm glad I got through it. Thanks for bringing those dad facts to the group today. Hey, everyone, it's my turn. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, a fictional character on the podcast Dungeons and Daddies, a fictional podcast about four dads from our world who get sucked into the forgotten realm. You already covered that. Move on, move on. Ha ha ha ha!

That's my shit. My world's on fire. But here's a question. How about yours? That's the way I like it. And I'll never get bored. Henry is a hippie. He's a druid. He's crunchy. He's a little bit munchy. He's a Birkenstock rockin' dad of the dad group. That's kind of what he does. And my fact about Henry this week. So there was a bit of a retcon last week where Henry revealed that his favorite TV show is not The Sunrise, but is in fact Cheers. Because we're now going into the dark Henry arc.

Dark Henry arc, yes, yes. This is his, like, Dark Phoenix moment was revealing that he likes Cheers. That's just really problematic for Henry to like that much. Cheers? Yeah, you know, I don't know. I told you, man, it's his Dark Phoenix arc. We're going to see a whole new side of Henry. So I thought I'd revisit some other Henry facts, some other Henry faves, and reveal the real fave. So Henry's favorite drink, brace yourselves, guys, it's not ice cold water. Henry's favorite drink is...

orange juice dot dot dot right after you've brushed your teeth oh no I

It's just one of the most unique flavors on earth, and Henry can't get enough of it. One crime with another. That's a worse one. You know, it's got vitamin C, it's fresh, and it wakes you up in the morning. You know, you brush your teeth, and then you could go drink coffee and get those beautiful teeth all dingy, or you could have some orange juice right after brushing your teeth. Someone drinks coffee immediately after brushing their teeth.

Well, you know, in today's hurry up and go ever connected social media online world, you know, we don't have the time to drink our coffee in these uncertain times. That's what gets Henry up in the morning. Now more than ever. Now more than ever, Henry drinks extra pulp orange juice from concentrate right after brushing his teeth. He brings a cup of orange juice into the bathroom with him so he can have it right after he brushes. Fuck off. Hey girl, are you Will Campos because you're under arrest?

And that's my dad fact. Thanks for letting me share that, guys. Hey, Will, thanks so much for fucking sharing that. Fuck up. I'm sorry, guys. Listen, I'm here. My name's Beth May. It's been a rough decade. Last 10 years have been hard. Beth, we're recording the podcast. We're not just chatting right now. Sorry.

You guys all set a precedent of doing absolutely fucking nothing. So this energy. Damn. We have to fight Barry today. We got to be on the same side. We got to come together.

We gotta come together. So my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather in Rogue. Fun fact about Ron, at the end of the last episode, I thought of something that Ron could do this episode that would be really cool and successful. And now I forget what that is.

Dang. A true Ron move. Yeah. Hey, everybody. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad. We talked about on social media and stuff that we have some link that you can follow to sign up to vote. And if we got like X number of people, we do a West Wing style one shot. But I had a realization and I tweeted it at the official Dungeons and Daddies account. But apparently whoever runs that doesn't like me because I didn't get a reply. I got left on red, as is so often the case on Twitter. But I did have a thought. You did get a like.

Your own podcast didn't respond to you. That's good. Do you have a next level cuck myself? You're a podcast. Your own podcast. Your own podcast. I also had a thought and I wanted to run it past you all really quickly, which is we could do a West Wing episode. Guys, ignore Anthony here too. Yeah.

No, I'm just kidding. Go ahead. Or we could do a Pokemon one-shot called Pokemon Go to the Poles. No. Oh, I would love to do Pokemon. What if we do? All right. I think we need. I was invested in West Wing. Okay. That's fair. What if we do both? That's what I was going to say. Let's do both. I think we need to do, it needs to be a West Wing Pokemon mashup called Pokemon Go to the Poles.

I want ice cream, but I want pizza. I know we got a lot of Sorkin heads who listen to the podcast for our lively Sorkin-esque banter. So I just want to make sure that they feel... I will be playing Toby Squirtle. LAUGHTER

So to remind everybody what happened last episode, Henry watched a 20 minute long informational video about his past. Yeah, cutscene, an unskimmable cutscene. Real Kojima moment in the... Yeah, very much so. And basically found out that there's this otherworldly entity, demonic, horrible monster presence that has genetically been passed down through his family line. And it is currently split into three parts between him and his two sons. And he's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be

And the whole group went and confronted Barry about this in his temple. Barry handed you the anchor, which is a big old bottle of overnight oats, and then told you to leave. And you correctly surmised that he was hiding something. And it turns out that amongst other things, he was hiding the fact that the Lark and Sparrow that you have are homunculi of Lark and Sparrow, not their real bodies. After unsuccessfully attempting to convince him to

leave behind his narcissism and toxic masculinity, he decided that instead of wanting to keep you around so he could teach you to control the beast inside of you, he instead would much rather see it come out of you by making you angry. And the first way he tried to prove that was by magically summoning a pillar of wood essentially to come out of the ground and smack, spare really hard with it, knocked against the wall. And in response, Henry said that he turned into a bear.

So we are basically in combat. Everyone, please roll initiative. Oh, guys. Fucking Henry Oak with the natural 20. Yeah.

He's ready. He's got dad anger. One of the cool things about barbarians is I get advantage on inspiration. You get advantage on inspiration, Matt? Yeah, I get advantage on inspiration. I get to shoot a three-pointer on top of a two-pointer. I get to roll the dice twice. On initiative. Oh, what did I say? Accidentally a word. Yeah. And wait, Anthony, did you just say a three-pooner instead of a three-pooner? I sure hope I didn't. I sure hope you did. That's cool as hell. I don't know.

I got 18. Anthony, 16 plus four, 20. Okay. I got a seven. That means that Henry, you get to go first. You just watch your dad hit one of your children. What is going on with Sparrow? Let's start there. So Sparrow hits the wall and it like makes a fucking impact dent in the wall. A Sparrow shaped hole? No, it's not a hole. He doesn't go all the way through it, but it makes a dent. It's a DBZ anime impact dent.

Yes, very much so. When Krillin gets slapped down by Cell or something like that. Ah, yes, yes. And he falls out of it and gets onto his hands and knees and then he comes up to just his knees and one little stream of blood is running down his mouth. Sparrow! And he coughs and more blood comes out and he tries to wipe it with his fist but he just ends up smearing it across his cheek. So he's still alive though? He's still alive but he's wounded. He's a homunculus. He's a homunculus. He's up.

Yes. Okay. Could you imagine how great it would be if audio books like would all just use anime references to describe action scenes? Just like as a visual reference. So this guy gets these pool, the bullet goes through him kind of like when Goku shot Frieza.

I can't believe I said this guy in Gatsby's pool to avoid spoilers for the great Gatsby. Yeah. Comic shirt. Oh my God. He's in Gatsby's pool, but I won't say who he is. Read the book, dear readers. And then Gatsby and his friends have to collect all the dragon balls to... Okay. So I already turned into a bear because I thought that would be a cool thing to do at the end of the last episode. But I'm pretty sure that means I can cast spells so I can't heal my son. Um,

I look to Glenn, the other healer in the group, and I'm like, I also realized I can't talk because I shouldn't have. I mean, I said, let's go. But we're going to assume that Henry said, let's go in bear speech. I feel like you could talk. You've consistently talked this entire time as animals. Why stop now? Okay, you know what? Hold on real quick. For all the rule poindexters, here's what happens.

Dads have a psychic connection. All the dads have a psychic connection. We can talk to each other in animal form. They're done. Done. Retcon. Done. Okay. Well, at any rate, I am going to go ahead and charge at... Well, wait a second. Wait a second. Because we know that... Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. There's the anti-violence thing. You got to go for the staff. There's a staff? And where is the staff?

He is holding it in his left hand. Specifically, he's holding a staff that at the top of which is a crystal. And it's the same crystal that you saw him making in the Kojima cut scene that basically explains why there's an anti-violence perimeter all around Oakvale. Henry, enraged, lets out a feral bear roar and charges at Barry Oak with the goal of clobbering that staff out of his hands.

So give me, I guess, give me an attack roll. And he's going to make a dexterity roll opposed. That sounds so, I haven't heard those words in a long time. Yeah. We did some fighting. We fought a big crab in the, you know, in the other thing. Oh, I wasn't there. All right. So I can do multi-attack. So I am going to do two attacks. My first attack is going to be with my claw. And I got a 14. That hits. So he's less than 14.

Oh, we got this. So you managed to get a claw on the staff, but he holds onto it tight. Okay. You essentially have him grappled so long as he wants to hold onto this staff and you didn't hurt him at all, obviously, because you weren't trying to. What is this staff made of? So the staff is just made of wood. It's a normal staff about this tall. About how tall?

Sorry, one more time. Just for the people all listening to this podcast, exactly how tall are we talking about here? Is this as tall as a circus tent? I got lost because I was so excited to describe a staff like Indy does in Raiders of the Lost Ark that I was just quoting him and he just does that with his hands. Oh, that's what exactly? I'm sorry, everyone. It's a staff that is about five feet tall that's just made of wood and it's big enough you can hold it with one hand. What about the people using metric?

I don't know. All right. Our international listeners. That's a little less than two meters. Hey, girl, are you from England? Because I got nothing for you. What does that mean? I don't know. It's already gone so off the rails. I'm going to use my second attack to try to bite through this staff. Through the wooden half of the staff? Yeah. Nice. Okay, cool. I've done that to a man before. Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck. I got a nine. So a nine is definitely not going to do it. You like chew into the staff and he like you. It's a little bit cute. Strengthens your teeth a little bit. Gum health. He's teething. You bite into it, but he manages to grab the snout of your bare face and like hold it upward a little bit to prevent you from fully biting down with your full strength. But he's still grappled and he can't move unless he wants to let go of the staff. OK, so next up in the initiative is Glenn. Oh,

Okay. I feel like I'm going to burn this place down. Listen, this is a back pocket move, but right now I'm going to invoke a little gift, a little weapon that we got that we forgot about up until this very moment. I'm going to draw the sword of pocket sand with a sharp cry of daddy, daddy, ho! And I'll draw it, and if I recall, what it does is as I draw it, a bunch of sand comes flying out towards Barry's face. That's cool. And it's a plus one longsword. That's good. And it's a King of the Hill reference.

For those of you playing around at home. Pocket sand. It's a Dale Gribble special. So he's going to roll dexterity, and if he misses, he's going to be unable to dodge the sand as it heads towards his eyes.

Ooh, he rolled a six. So she's full of pocket sand, hits him in the face. And for the entirety of his next round, he will be blinded. Whoa. Which means he'll have disadvantage on any attacks that revolve for him using his eyes. I'll throw that attack. I'll blind them. And then as he's stumbling around blind, I'll be like, better go check on the kiddo. You move yourself right next to Sparrow. And he is like, I can't.

I can do it. I can fight. And he tries to stand up and his knees waver for a second and he immediately falls back down onto his knees as they buckle. And then Glenn like kind of like temples his hands together and then just like very quietly says this very back. I think it would be really cool if you gave your brother the other gauntlet so he could have both of them. But I just I just got it. But.

You're right. That is a good idea. So maybe that's what he'll do on his turn. I'll also burn a bonus action to do bardic inspiration. Hey! Yeah. You can heal people, can't you, Glenn? I hate to break it to you, but unfortunately, I don't think... I have massage... Oh, no, sorry. Message. That's not... Massage. Hey!

I think a spell is a whole thing, Will. Spells differentiate. So if you have healing word, that's usually a bonus action versus like full cure wounds is a standard action. No, unfortunately, I don't have any of those. I have some full on spell ass heals. Okay, that's fine. Oh, okay. Nevermind. Sparrow's not covered under my spells HMO. Damn. And I'm going to give the bardic inspiration to who's after me. Daryl is next. Daryl, I think you get in this one. What are you whispering in my ears? Oh,

I'm just going to scream the Led Zeppelin. Yes.

That is ringing in Daryl's ears. And then like, I'm going to go longer than you would expect with it. As you're doing your thing, I'm also still doing the thing like, oh yeah, yeah. And then the live version, the bass comes like, I'm kind of like in my own world, sort of thinking about Led Zeppelin as well. Nice. As that starts playing, Daryl confidently just pushes Peyton back, like very clearly. And with his motion, clearly he's telling both kids, Lark, get spare, like step back.

He sees everything that Henry's been through. He evokes rage. He grasps his axe and he's going to try to chop the staff in half. Now that it's being held in place, right? Yeah. Now that's being held in place. It's like that scene in Titanic. Yeah.

With the axe when, like, you know, he's teaching Rose how to... Yeah, when she tries to hit the scene twice. I was like, what scene in Titanic with the axe? The one where they make love in the car? Where God takes his axe to the center of Titanic and splits it apart. Daryl just grabs Peyton and is like, please, I have a child. Daryl runs away. Okay, so because... Hey girl, are you that axe? Because I'm never going to let you go.

So because the staff is being held on to by both a bear's face and Barry's hand, you are going to roll with disadvantage to hit just the staff and not anybody else. Because if you hit anybody else, it's going to tang off of the magic spell, essentially. Okay. I'm just double checking because once this attacks, it's good because I get extra shit. Okay.

And 15 is my lower one, which 15 plus six plus two for barbarian. So, yeah, that's a 20 something. I lost track. OK, so describe to me exactly how you managed to destroy the staff, but not Henry or. Well, the way I do that is to make sure I don't hit his head is I take one giant leap and land on the back of Henry and.

So I'm riding him and I hold the axe above me and I bring it right down right next to his head. With the confidence of knowing that you can't hurt him anyway, right? Yeah, exactly. All the psychological stuff is out of the way. And like having the head very close to where I start swinging, like right there, like, you know, my legs are wrapped around there. It's like, I know exactly where it's going. I'm not gonna hit my own leg. So yeah, I slashed that thing in half. The staff shatters at its midpoint and the crystal atop of it begins to fall. So Barry is going to make a reaction, try to catch it.

And he gets a nat 20. So he just sensed it, even though he was blinded. Oh, he's got disadvantage. You're right. You're right. Okay. He got a 19 with his other. Really? Damn. Does he do that before I do my second attack? He's definitely grabbed it. Now you can do your second attack. Cool. It's like slow motion, like Kung Fu movie right here. So then as I see him grab this thing that falls, I'm going to do a grapple action. Oh, it's like a fumble and football. Now you guys are wrestling over the ball.

Oh, shit. I guess a 19. So I'm essentially rolling off of Henry's head. And as I'm doing that, I'm like, I got you, buddy. And as I'm whispering it to his ear, because I'm doing like that Black Widow move where I'm like swinging around his neck. Nice. Or the Legolas around the horse, but in reverse. Wait.

So I'm just rounding off of Henry's neck while then wrapping myself around Barry's neck. So I'm like transferring like a gymnast from one neck to the other. And I'm just going to pin him down like a wrestler. So you managed to do that with your 19. So you basically do a transitional Hurricanrana to Hurricanrana move and pin him on the ground. And I whisper into his ear, I go, you're a shitty dad. Ha ha ha ha.

And so much in there. Barry goes, maybe. But at the end of this, I'm still going to be a dad. So they're like flinches, you know, as if he got hit. So it's Payton's turn next. And seeing you pinning. Really? It's Payton's turn before my turn. Your turn is literally last. That fucking sucks. Payton's not even on this podcast. Yeah.

Anthony, could you please roleplay Payton as a guest on the podcast next week? Like he's playing the game with us. Okay, so for my turd, I'm going to...

I see that Daryl is pinning Barry and I just, I run up and I look good. My legs look muscular. I'm like, I've been training for this moment my whole life. Yes! Alright, we get it, Peyton. Just what move are you doing? What are you rolling? I run up and I slide on my belly towards Barry and Henry and I raise my hand up and I slam the ground and I go, one! And I raise it up again and I slam the ground again and I go, two! And I raise it up again and I slam the ground and I go, three! And you have officially now defeated Barry in a wrestling match. Nice!

Good move, Peyton. No, that's better than stabbing somebody, I guess. That's why you're the favorite member of the podcast team. Do we level up? We beat him, right? Okay. So now it's Larkin Sparrow's turn.

Wait, is that all he does? Yeah. I love Hayden. He spent his whole action doing that. Oh, he's learned, little guy. Yeah, that's a full three count. He didn't move and he did a three count. I don't know what more you want. Okay, so now it's Lark and Sparrow's turn. So Lark looks back at Sparrow and he goes, brother! And reaches out and Sparrow, still bleeding from the mouth, goes, Lark, you remember what I told you about being a love wolf? And Lark goes, of course, brother, of course. And Sparrow goes,

Forget it. And he throws Lark the other gauntlet and Lark is going to try to catch it in midair. He gets a natural one. So the gauntlet comes full force and it hits them square in the fucking face and does four damage. Oh dear. You hate to see it. It cracks his forehead open and now there's a little bit of blood trickling down his head as well. Oh my god.

But he smiles and he goes, thank you, brother. That is just what I needed. And he turns around and still just with the one glove because he can't see through the blood in his eyes. Does he do the Bruce Lee where he like rubs the blood and tastes it to get pumped up? Yeah, exactly. He just runs and leaps into the air and is going to aim and try to bring the fist down onto the crystal to smash it. So I'm going to give him a roll for that with disadvantage because he's blinded.

All right. So with a nine, he hits the crystal and it just barely hits it from the wrong angle and deflects a little bit. And his fist ends up landing right next to Barry's face. And he sort of lands atop both Daryl and Barry in this weird like three man like dog pile. And the blood from his face is streaming down onto Barry's and mixing with the sand on his face and turning into this horrible like red mud. And Blar just goes, first one's a warning.

By the way, this is just Thanos. Sparrow just did Thanos. Yeah, pretty much. So now it's Barry's turn. So he... Are we going to solve this before Beth gets a turn? Yeah. So he is going to, even though he's got disadvantage on any visual stuff, he is going to say, I suppose it's time... Stop talking to yourself. Stop talking to yourself, asshole. I'm talking to you. Whatever. Shut up.

My ass. And as he says that, he transforms. What? Beneath you, Daryl, you feel all of a sudden his flesh starts to push towards your body in a way that doesn't make sense. His flesh grows and pushes towards my body? And then it starts to grow hard. And then you realize his entire body is beginning to spindle outwards and grow hard and black. And he's turning into a large bipedal tree called a blackthorn.

Oh shit. With like little like twigs on it as sharp as blades and it's still blinded. It's a blind tree for this turn. What am I holding onto now? So you're basically holding onto the tree itself as he stands up and you're sort of dangling from the branches of the tree. Can I roll for like dexterity or something? It feels like this tree. Yeah. Yeah. Go for it. My dexterity is seven plus one. So I got an eight. Okay. So you fall off of the tree as he like very suddenly transforms and you get knocked back and you take a D6 of damage. Okay.

as you hit the ground. And then he is going to... Oh, it's in a cone. Oh, it's in a cone. Okay. He's going to open his mouth. And because this doesn't require him to make a two-hit, his disadvantage isn't going to matter for this particular one. He's going to open his mouth and he exhales a green gas in a 30-foot cone, which I imagine hits Daryl and Lark and Payden and Henry, but probably nobody else because you haven't run up to him yet. Okay. So all of you...

And by all of you, I mean both of you and then two fictional characters. Make a constitution saving throw. You're looking for more than a 14 on your constitution. That's a 20. I got a 19. Hayden and Lark both rolled very poorly. He's just counting that poor boy. Leave him alone. You take half damage on a successful save. So you both take- Wait, I thought we have the crystals up though. Isn't there a crystal that- So yeah, you say that as that's happening. And Barry goes, do you think that I wouldn't make myself an exemption to the spell? Oh, you prick.

Do you not understand? I've been trying to tell you, Hen, over and over. We are superior to other people. The rules don't apply to us, especially the rules about pain. And he does this, and you and Matt take 3d6 damage, and then the two boys are going to take 6d6 damage. Oh my god! Payton's dead. Shit. I took 8 damage. I took 8 damage. Okay, so Payton takes...

17 damage, which is a lot. He's bloodied, but he's still alive. Lark takes 27 damage. Oh my god! And...

I'm sorry. This is not going to be a pleasant description, but you see Lark trying to anger his way through the pain that is coursing through him as he begins to hack and cough. And he's looking very dead in the eye with nothing but hatred as he falls to his knees and then just falls over. Oh my God. And he's not moving. And now it's Ron's turn.

I was a lot more excited about this turn a few turns ago. Holy shit. Okay. Ron, you gotta save everybody. Okay, yeah, sure. So the tree can't see.

Right. The tree is blind. The tree is blind. But it has a mouth. I have no mouth and I must tree. He's got to get that crystal. That's your specialty, pickpocket. Yeah. Okay. So can the tree feel anything? Does the tree bark function at all like skin? Yeah, he'll feel stuff. Okay. Okay, cool. And just so you know, the crystal now that he's in tree form, it's dangling from one of his branches like a Christmas ornament.

I want to like attack him physically and then have Mr. Mustache fetch the crystal. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Okay, so then what you'd be doing is you'd be rolling an attack and it doesn't matter whether you succeed or not because you're just doing it to distract him.

And then that would give Mr. Mustache advantage on a sleight of hand role to try to bite the crystal off of the branch. That's like playing Hunter in World of Warcraft now, which is my favorite class because you get an animal. So now you're now a pet class. You get a pet class. Is there a pet class in D&D? I'm pretty sure there is. Well, there is now. But it's definitely not a rogue with a dog who has a mustache that is also their friend. I'm going to say that I'm going to chop at him with one of my business cards.

So I've got 17 plus four. So with a 21, you would hit if the crystal were not an issue. But as it is, your business card comes up and it comes down a beautiful slicing motion as you jump through the air. And with all of your might, you slash downward, but it still stops a hair's breadth away from actually hitting the bark.

and Barry the tree is like, see, the friends you've made are so stupid, Hen. I don't understand. And as he's saying that, Mr. Mustache, who I just rolled for, gets advantage on his sleight of hand roll. Mr. Mustache fucking gallops toward the tree, like,

and jumps into the air with like a silent whisper he like sails through the air with that open good boy mouth his mustache tails like flapping in the wind mr mustache and uh wide mouthed he clamps his jaw around the crystal and plucks it off the tree like a fucking ripe apple and then just lands with it and he's got it in his jaw now and then he runs down the street and you're like come on boy come back you don't believe sean come on and then he gives it back to barry he goes throw it for me

Now it is Henry's turn again. Okay, Henry, who just saw, and again, he knows it's a homunculus, but he just saw his son get wracked with pain and drop over dead, basically. Yeah. It's just blinded with rage. He sees the crystal in Mr. Mustache's hands, or his ma, rather, and runs up, bear style, and just swipes the, I'm just going to smash the crystal. Mr. Mustache can read the room, and he just drops the crystal out of his mouth and then backs away. I say, give! Give!

So go ahead and give me a roll. All right, I got a 17 for my first attack. That does it. What do you bring down your claws on it? Yes. With the strength of a bear empowered by the strength of an angry father, your claw comes down and just slices the fucking crystal in twain. It's just like, again, like in an anime, slow motion is sharp. And Barry goes, what?

And then like turns and looks and sees the crystal shattering. And even though he's only in tree form, you can still see and sense that for the first time he is at a loss for words. So you got another attack. All right. Henry looks at a vicious roar and just chomps into the side of this tree and just starts ripping bark out with his maw. Awesome. Give me a roll. Or just gets a good back scratch. Nice. Yeah. You know.

Oh, natural 20. Whoa. Okay. Roll your damage die twice. Check out the big brain on Brad. Oh, man. Shitty roll. That's a three plus four is seven damage. Did you roll damage twice? Yes, I did. I guess I've got two. It's 2d8 plus four. So I rolled 2d8 and I guess that's what I got. Oh, no. Yeah.

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Okay, okay, okay, okay. There's a lot of work for that oil thing when we just broke the crystal. Listen, this is... No, good backup plan. It's not any less of a good plan. That's true, that's true. You can still burn down the whole place. It's not enough to defeat Barry. I want to burn down his entire thing. Yeah, we need to ruin the lives of a bunch of innocent people who had nothing to do with it, too.

I mean, they're a bunch of good Germans. Let's be honest. They knew what was going on. They knew what was going on. All right. Oh, man. So I'm going to cast Bestow Curse. Whoa. Yes. So Bestow Curse. This is a spell I picked up. Just a little trick I picked up on the road.

You touch a creature and that creature must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or become cursed for the duration of the spell. The wisdom save is 14, Anthony. Okay. When you cast a spell, choose a nature of a curse from the following options, which I have a number of things. Glenn pulls out this index finger like a six shooter and blows on it and goes, boop, motherfucker. And he touches him. He's like, you're hereby cursed. Damn.

What happens if he saves? If he saves, then nothing happens. Great game, Gygax. Unfortunately, he saves. So your turn means nothing, apparently. I'm sorry. Because Glenn does not have the actual power to curse people. He just thinks he has to. Glenn's like, well, man, I thought this would work.

In the meantime, then, Glenn, for like the, you know, the additional or the movement bonus action, it's going to like head on over to the window. I assume that Aaron's familiars are smart enough to kind of keep an eye on us. Oh, for sure. Are they out there? Is one of them out there? Yeah, you can see the owl is particularly making circles around the temple tower trying to catch sight of you. When he does, it sees you and then just sort of starts hovering in place like it cocks its head as if waiting for instruction. I go, not yet. What?

but you'll know. It makes a thumbs up as much as an owl possibly can with its talons. Daryl, it's your turn. Daryl is shaking some lack of confidence as he's looking through his sheet and realizes there's a ton of things he could have done, like advantage on Dex rolls, and he could have probably reduced the damage to save Henry's boys.

If he looked paid more attention to what he was fucking doing. So anyways, Daryl shakes that off. And first thing he looks at Henry, he's given the nod of like, you want me to go hard on this? Are we going on your, are we doing this? Are we smashing your dad up?

Like he's like, Henry's not paying attention to Daryl. Henry is too pissed off and is trying to take this tree down. All right. Then Daryl seeing that Henry's enraged, like he's got it. And Daryl, his first move is I'm going to run to pick up Peyton. Okay. So I run, I pick up Peyton. He's still coughing. Baby boy, baby boy. Oh,

Yeah, Daryl's so overwhelmed. Are you okay, son? He goes, I got you, dad. Daryl runs and puts Peyton to the far end of the room and then turns around. And with a second action, he throws his axe at Barry. It feels like you don't want to let go of your thing, but okay. Whatever, man. It's happening. All right, go for it. Give me a roll. That's a seven. Bardic Inspiration. Oh, Bardic Inspiration. What do I do? Roll a d8? Roll a 1d8.

I got a one on your eight. What? Zeppelin gave you a one? Yep. Sorry, bro. That's what happened. Yeah. So unfortunately, Barry just slaps the axe out of the air with one of his branchy hands. And now it is Sparrow's turn. He just saw his brother fall to the ground in front of him. Oh, no. And he turns and he sees Peyton coughing and hacking up in the corner, like completely helps do anything. And Sparrow goes, it's fine.

you gotta do something. You do yourself. Oh God. He walks across the room while you guys are fighting and like limping, like fucking John McClane at the end of Die Hard. And he picks up the glove of his that he gave to his brother. And then he picks up his brother's glove, gently taking it from his limp hand, pausing to like put a hand on Lark and go, I'm going to fuck him up real good, brother. He closes his eyes. He closes his eyes, but with the big Hulk hand. And he punches his hands together and he goes, power.

Power! Power! Power! And he runs and does a diving, like, both of his fists out like fucking Captain Marvel. Holy shit. And he rolls. Oh, and he hits. Yeah! Really quick. Wait, wait, wait. Anthony, do you realize that this scene is foreshadowed in literally episode one?

No. Because they're biting a tree. They're punching a tree. When we first meet Lark and Sparrow, they are punching. Isn't that crazy? That is really wild. That is so crazy. That's crazy. And they're saying power the whole time. Holy shit. Cut out all this so it seems intentional. Oh, shit.

Wow. So yeah, he's going to basically get a double attack, one with each glove, which is definitely not something those gloves say you should do, but fuck it, it's cool. Once he's hit him with both gloves, he like reaches back before he even falls down and hits the ground and then just slams him again and hits him both times. So he's going to do... Anthony, these are weapons from D&D 1.0. So you have to adjust for inflation, which means they're five times as powerful. Yeah, absolutely.

No, unfortunately, these are actually 5e weapons that I put in the 1.0 dungeon. You hate to see it. I cheated. So what are they, actually? Yeah, what are they? From this attack, can we figure out what they are? Okay, so this is now a homebrewed version of the Gauntlets of Ogre Power. Oh. He hits him with these gauntlets, and it does more damage than would usually happen from an unarmed attack, and is easier to hit. Sounds a little ogre-powered to me. So it's going to do...

16 damage. Whoa! With those two hits. Strong boy. Barry just looks at him with shock and horror and he goes, there it is. That's what I've been wanting to see. That's what I want to see. And now it is Barry's turn. He feels you ripping at the bark of his tree body and he goes, enough of this, enough of this.

And he again begins to morph and his branches begin to turn green and slimy and they turn into tentacles as his body begins to turn into a large, almost frog like creature. And his head turns into an eye stalk of three eyes all next to each other. And he's turned into a frog hemoth. Whoa.

What? And in froghemoth form, he's going to take out his tentacle and he is going to grapple Henry with it. So he's going to roll to see if he can grapple. So unfortunately, with your armor class being as low as he is, he only rolled a two, but he has a plus 10 to hit with his tentacle. Oh, shit. Okay, fair enough. So he's going to do 3d8 plus six bludgeoning damage to you. 3d8 plus six bludgeoning damage. I thought it was just grappling. We're getting carried away.

He was just grappling. He's not going to do... And he's going to grapple you. Oh. Okay. Oh, shit. I have bear HP, don't I? You do. God fucking damn it. I just realized the bear has way less HP. Okay, let's see. So 17...

They got nine HP left. But I think if I turn back into a human form, I don't come back with nine HP, right? You will still lost whatever HP you would lost, but it goes from your human maximum, I think. Gotcha. So he's got four tentacles and every individual tentacle can't attack more than once if it's grappling somebody, but he can attack twice. So with the second tentacle, he's going to reach out and bury in his massive frog. He myth form is going now, which one of these do you like the most?

Daryl, the big one, the big boy. Yes, you. And he's going to lash out with Glenn. And Ron's like, hey, Glenn, you want to get out of here? I mean, we could just go.

So he lashes out with his tentacle at you, Daryl. What is your AC? While not wearing armor, your AC equals 10 plus dex modifier plus constitution modifier plus any shield bonus. Holy shit. So it's actually my AC is 17. Whoa. We need to get you a shield, dude. So he only rolled a five. So a 15 does not beat your 17. So he tries to wrap his tentacle around you. What is it that Daryl does that prevents him from gaining purchase? Like all belts that don't quite fit around Daryl.

It begins the wraparound, and then with a big sigh, he goes, and he just kind of pushes his gut out, and it flicks the tentacle right back at him. That's so good. But Daryl's pants fall off at the same time. But he realizes his zipper's down. Oh my god. That's so good. It's Sparrow's turn again. He is going to attack twice.

And he whiffs with both. He gets a one and a two. So unfortunately, he misses with both of his. Ron, it is your turn. I'm going to pick up Daryl's axe and I'm going to try to cut off one of the tentacles. Give me a roll. That is a 14 plus 3, 17. That is going to do it. Go ahead and give me damage. 7 plus 3 is 10. Okay, so you do 10 damage to him. Describe what happens as you bring this fucking axe down.

because this is actually a pretty hardcore looking Ron move. Yeah, it's just some Ronald the Barbarian stuff. Ron looks super cool. And even Daryl's like, whoa, super badass. Mr. Mustache is like cheering him on. They're really like a great airbender.

duo right now where it's like, yo, dog, you did a great job. I'm doing a good job for my dog. And then Ron just like his delts. I don't know what the thingy, the muscle thingy on the side of your arm is, but like when they're big, but like defined, they're kind of hot. He looks... Tricep or tricep? No, no, he looks really hot. Like the thing is, he looks really hot. Brings the axe down. I think the tentacle makes its own noise like that.

Like, you know, like a Medusa sort of. And then, yeah, that's what happens. And I think that Ron is going to use the rest of his turn to try and see if he can shepherd any of the children sort of away from the situation. OK, you slice through the tentacle and it goes limp immediately. So now Henry is no longer grappled, which is pretty good. Are you trying to get Sparrow away? Yeah. OK, so Sparrow is still trying to punch at the frog. It's probably going to fight back against you. So you're going to have to make an opposed strength check.

And he's wearing gauntlets of strength. Actually, I'll just try to convince him. Okay. All right. How to convince. This is pretty boring, right? Roll persuasion with, I want to say triple disadvantage. I'm just saying it'd be a lot less boring over out there. That's where. Make your horrible persuasion roll.

Disadvantage. So let's see here.

I got a seven. Yeah. He turns back at you and you have literally never seen more bloodlust in a human being in your entire life. I am so sorry. I just trying to save you. He goes, there's no saving this. Henry, it's your turn. Henry is going to debare and then he is going to cast Blight.

on his father. Necromantic energy washes over a creature of your choice that you can see from within range, draining moisture and vitality from it. So it's a constitution saving throw. Ooh, unfortunately, constitution is something this Fraghemoth is very strong at, so he saves. Fuck.

Fuck. He got a natural 20 plus five. God damn it. All right. All right. Well, let's see. Hold on. All right. So he's going to take 48 damage. Lovely. Oh, that would have been 88 if he hadn't saved. It would have been 88. Yeah. Wow. It's one of my specials. It's one of Henry's limit breaks. He takes 16 damage. Henry looks to Ron and to Sparrow and sees this argument going on. And he says, let him fight, Ron. Henry, let's get out of here.

Come on. We, we, we, we, you don't want to do this to your dad. Ron, I don't want to hurt my dad, but I got to know where my kids are. I need to know. And he knows, and we're going to make him talk just like Jack Bauer. He's not going to tell you. I mean, we got to find that out though, man. Like I can't, he knows where my kids are. So as you say that your eyes briefly dart to the inert form of Lark on the ground, actually give me a perception roll. This doesn't have to do with smelling. Does it? Uh, I, uh,

You know what? It can. Oh, I thought I had like a... Hold on one second. Oh, no, it was in my brown bear form, which I just turned out of. Damn it. Actually, you know what? No, give me a retroactive roll for your brown bear form because you would have smelled this regardless of what was going on at the time. Okay. In that case, I get advantage on rolls based around my keen sense of smell. So I got a 17. So in this moment, there was a scent on the air that you couldn't quite place initially when you were in bear form. Okay.

But as you're arguing with Ron about what to do to find your kids, you smell and then you hear a voice from the wall going, Father! Father! The afterlife, it is dark. And then Sparrow begins to hear it too. And Sparrow's like, Brother! Brother, where are you?

Where are you? And you just hear Lark's voice going, I don't know, but I can see you and you're uncut. You're sleeping. You make a little angel when you're sleeping. He goes, thank you, brother. Yeah, you can definitely hear them with an earshot. Okay, so they're within. I'm not hearing that like in my mind. No, no, you're physically hearing that in the space. They're in earshot. I'm like, guys, the kids, I can hear them. They're in the walls. It's like in that movie with the aliens where they're in the walls. Murph, Murph.

The clock? The clock? The one with the clocks in the wall? The interstellar. Remember when the Hawkeye from Dazed and Confused is stuck in the wall? It's like that. Oh. I don't know if they're in another dimension, but I can hear them. Make some noise, Lark. Just bang around on stuff. You're getting a one-time pass from your dad to make as much of a ruckus as you are right now. You hear the sound of somebody struggling, and you hear the familiar voice of your son, Lark, going...

Noise, noise, noise. Party time. Somebody find me. I want to beat up my granddad. So basically on anybody's turn, you can use a bonus action to make a perception roll. And if you succeed, you'll narrow down where in the room he is. I am going to also use Balm of the Summer Court as a bonus action to cast some heel skis for real skis on my boy. On Sparrow? How about Payton? Freddie didn't heal Payton. Payton's hurt. He's real boy.

Oh, wait, no, he's on Immaculate too. No, but like he doesn't have a real form. So we don't know what happens to Peyton. Yeah, he might vanish. But Peyton's also kind of out of the fight right now. That's true. And Glenn can also heal. So I didn't say anything because he was doing it, but I just laughed because the turn before Freddy's two kids got freaking destroyed.

destroyed and then he just walked past them and did his curse instead of healing them. I'm trying to role play Glenn as accurately as possible. That's why I didn't say anything. I didn't want to make you feel bad about it. So if you get in the way of my method, Matt, I will not have it. That's why I didn't say anything. I wanted you to do it. Wait, so are we trying to heal these kids that aren't real kids? I don't know.

Good question. I guess you're right. If anything, if they're both over there, I can hear them both better and make more noise. Fair enough. I'm going to heal Payden for 10 hit points of damage. Payden's coughing stops and he like tries to get back up. He goes like, oh no. He grabs his chest and then just sort of sits back down. He's like, moral support. I got you for back here. Thank you though. Glenn. So wait, so this creature has three eyes is what you're saying, right? So if I cast hypnotic pattern, will that work like three times as strong because it's

You know what I'm saying? Well, I mean, if anything, presuming an enemy that has two eyes, a third eye would just mean that it works 1.5 times as strong. Yeah. Dude, I'm just listening. I'm just following the math that Mr. Gygax laid down. Yeah, let's say it's 1.5 times as effective. Okay, so I'm going to cast...

Before I do, I'm going to yell, I muffs. So immediately Sparrow puts his whole hands up to his face. Now, do the other dads think about this? Henry does because he knows the term I muffs. So he covers his eyes. Okay. Wait, what did you say, Freddie? So Daryl doesn't do it. So Daryl misses it. You said I muffs? I muffs. Oh, I muffs. That's the last thing you say before he does it. Okay.

And Ron, would you put your eye muffs on? Yeah. You definitely see Mr. Mustache do it with his little doggy paws and go like, oh. And I try to do that with my ears too. Okay, so whatever you do, both Daryl and Ron are probably going to also suffer the consequences. So I will cast Hypnotic Pattern. I create a twisting pattern of colors that weaves through the air inside a 30-foot cube within range. The

The pattern appears for a moment and vanishes. Each creature in the area who sees the pattern must make a wisdom saving throw, saving a 14 here. Failed save, you're charmed. While charmed, you're incapacitated and have zero speed. Whoa, okay. It's basically, it looks like one of those old iTunes music visualizers. Yeah.

Yes, exactly. It's like I found some bootleg fireworks when we were like walking through. Glenn just picks up bootleg fireworks wherever city they go into. And this one's like the iTunes visualizer bootleg fireworks. We got this in Waterdeep. Just yeah. I honestly really wanted to fail this one. I wanted you to. I don't know. I just want to sit there. But I got 19 plus one on my wisdom. So that's a 20. Ron? Let's see. Plus.

So that's going to be a three. Okay. So both Ron and the frog hemoth look at this conflagration of colors and really cool visual effects. They stare dumbfounded and dumbstruck at it. The frog hemoth's jaw just sort of goes slack and his big old tongue lolls out. And you can see on the end of his tongue is another smaller, like tentacle sucker thingy. And he goes, but why? Oh my God. Yo,

Y'all remember them funny frogs? They were great. Oh my God. Okay, so yeah, he is charmed and incapacitated. So Anthony, this lasts for one minute. One minute? So the spell ends. No, but when you get hit, the charm goes away, right? Yes, when you get hit, you'll get kicked out. And if someone uses an action to shake you out of your stupor, which we can do for Ron. Hey girl, are you the spell or my ex? Cause you lasted for one minute. Ha ha ha ha ha.

That's like really long, right? That's like an eternity. That is so long. Yeah, it's a long time. Hey, that's great. I like that. So wait, we have 10 turns to just kind of chill for a second, y'all. It is Daryl's turn. So can you tell that he's charmed? I just saw a cool fireworks show. I mean, you saw his mouth go, but he looked like something happened to him. Wait, Glenn, this is the perfect time to bust out your crocodile hunter impression to talk about how he subdued this big frog. Now, boys, have a look over here. What we got here is a frog. That knocks him out of his charm state.

Uh oh, she's going to the death roll. Crikey. Crikey, woke right up. Daryl runs over to Ron and grabs his axe and goes, Ron, snap out of it. Do I? You do. All right. That was the main action on your turn was snapping Ron out of it. That was my main action, but I'm a barbarian, so we're still in combat, right? Great, yep. Hell yeah. So I got second action. I,

I try to listen for the kids' voices in the wall as my second action. Okay, great. Give me a perception roll. That's a five. I walk into the wall. Straight into it. It's like they're inside the frog and he just starts punching the frog. So Sparrow is going to make a perception roll.

So he gets a 15. So he can tell there are four pillars of tree things holding up this room on the four corners of the room. And he can sense that it's in one of those four corners. And he's going to spend another action. Basic video game design. Obviously, you got to smash the pillars open. I'd be careful. These feel like they could be load-bearing trees. Load-bearing. Yeah, careful. You want to call OSHA before we... So he would attack, but because he has a full action, essentially, while Barry is incapacitated, he's just going to roll again to see if he can narrow it down. And he does. It's one of the two on the east side of the room. Mm-hmm.

And that is his turn. Now it's Barry's turn. He is completely incapacitated and charmed. So he's just, and his just tongue is continuing to lull around. And it really whips the llamas. Glenn is part of the concentration is like doing like, do, do, do, do, do,

That's great. Yeah, you're still... You're like one of those guys at a rave with little lights on the end of your fingers that are just like... Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, that's exactly what it is. Glenn has two glow sticks and he's doing glow stick stuff. Yes, it's glow sticks! Yes! I love that he yelled, like, hey, everyone, look away because I know how powerful this is. Here's the best part about Hypnotic Pattern. This is in D&D. I'm not making this up. This is in D&D. Components. A glowing stick of incense or crystal vial filled

with phosphorescent material. If that's not just a glow stick and I don't have two of them, that is literally what the component says. Glenn cracks two glow sticks and is sitting there like it's a rave. He's got a binky and he's doing sick moves and he's humming Sandstorm this whole time. He's like, don't worry about it. I'm just working on this. This is 1.5 times as effective, guys. I did the math. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Okay. So Barry is just overwhelmed like I was at like a middle school dance. Just dancing and just watching the kid in the corner playing with the glow stick. I went to a Modest Miles concert in 2012 where Isaac Brock drank a glow stick and I heard that he had to go to the hospital after. Oh my God. Yeah, it's not good. So yeah, you could definitely do something with that. I love this whole time Barry is just staring at Glenn doing glow sticks. Glow sticks.

DJ rules. In moments like these, I wonder if I should have added minions to the fight so that they could wake up their dad. Ron, it is your turn. I'm going to drink a glowstone.

I think I'm just going to go knock on one of those pillars. Knock on wood. Okay, so you have a 50-50 chance of being the correct pillar. No consequences if it's not. Yeah. So give me an evens or an odds, and I'll roll a d20. Give me your favorite character from the show, Even Stevens. Okay, I'm going to go for beans.

What? So is that evens or odds? That's an even Stevens reference. Will like literally just left me hanging in the grossest, most upsetting way. The second you moved from the fact that I know the name of the show is even Stevens, you were out of my depth on even Stevens lore. What?

Will like yelled at you for a layup and you jumped in midair and Will was just turning around and like dribbling the other direction. I didn't really mean it. Man. It was an eye-watering layup. Will was drinking Gatorade by the bench. We went to the moon in 1969. Beth, that joke was only for me to be funny. It wasn't for you to take and then be funny as well. I was just doing a joke for me. I totally misread that. I'm so sorry, dude. One of the most important things in improv is make sure you're the only one who looks good. Yeah, no, like Wilson.

I sent out an email earlier that like we can only be funny like at this certain time. And like, you know, so like that's really my bad dog. We had slots reserved. We did. Yeah. That was my reservation. We'll put up a post-it on the mirror so that all of us can see it. I'm only allowed to be funny during the elderly Trader Joe's shopping hour between 8 a.m. and 10 a.m. And then I'm not allowed to be funny.

Okay. Other than that, would you like evens or odds? Well, Anthony. Well, Anthony, what should I? I'm going to go with evens. All right. So I rolled a five, unfortunately. So you start like hacking away at one of the trees, I presume. Inside there's nothing. It's just more wood. But now you know exactly which one he's in. Yeah. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to bash your fucking head.

That's inappropriate. It's Henry's turn. I go, Ron, give me your axe. I throw the axe, but like in a polite way where he's, you know, I throw it well. I say, hey, I'm sorry I didn't say please. I know like, I try to be more communicative. I say, hey, Henry, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry about everything. Henry, Henry,

Henry takes the axe and busts open the tree to find his boys. I don't feel like you have to make a roll for any of this. You have to roll to see if it's exactly like in The Shining where you hit the axe and you stick your head in and you have a big old Jack Henderson grin. That's what I was, I made the joke that was like worse than that. Oh, that's what you were doing, the bashing the fucking head in thing. Yeah. I see, I see, I see. Yeah, see? See, it all works out, guys. Here's Ronnie.

Here's Ronnie. Yeah. So retroactively, you got that joke in the scorecard at the end of this episode. That one will be in your column. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the scorekeeping on the jokes, let's just make a quick asterisk on that one. Yeah, thanks, guys. Really fought hard for that one. Okay, so yeah, you hack open the tree and inside of it, you see your two beautiful boys, their real bodies entangled in a bunch of roots and sort of

pinned up against this wall and you can see almost like big gerbil feeders of water and food and stuff sort of going into them. That's nice. Sparrow is totally unmoving in there. The real body of Sparrow is unmoving and the real body of Lark is awake and it goes, da-dee!

And he like rips off the roots and he reaches through the hole in the tree and just hugs you real big. I hug him tight and I say, oh my God, Lark. Oh, oh, so scary. I'm so glad I found you. And then I look and I see, so Sparrow's still like conscious, right? Yes, the homunculus Sparrow is still conscious. So his real body is unconscious. I gently pick up Sparrow. I said, guys, let's get the fuck out of here.

Okay, that sounds good. Right? Let's go. Yeah, let's get out of here. Let's look around like, I'm getting to the drop, though. I'm getting close to the drop. You can do your cool EDM show later, but let's move on. We got to go. Daryl picks up Homunculus...

also, I guess. He's just doing what Henry tells him, so he's picking up a homunculus kid and Peyton. There's no, we only have one homunculus left. You're carrying the two real boys and there's one that's not dead, so I'm confused, so Daryl just picks up the homunculus one who's awake. Daryl can still move. Yeah, Sparrow's like, I'm ambulatory. No, I'm picking him up by like the collar. We just end up with this other kid that like isn't ours. Yeah.

I'm holding them by like the back of their shirts, like their luggage. I'm just sprinting out of there. And Sparrow's like, this is not dignified. Okay. So here's the thing, because it's a concentration spell, as Freddie has mentioned, the second he breaks this, the second I break, he is going to come out of it. But hold on, hold on. Here's the question.

We got up via elevator, right? Yes. And it was an elevator that was basically controlled by a tree growing. So you get the sense that it was Barry that was raising and lowering that thing. So there's just a pretty precipitous drop and then a really long set of stairs that you could alternately take back down. Oh, it's like a Shinra building situation. He's holding these kids like luggage and he's pressing the elevator. He's like, guys, are we going or what? I'm holding the luggage here. So first of all, Henry grabs his overnight oats on the way out because that would suck to have done all this. Oh no, we

I don't know if I need to eat this or break it or what, but I'm just going to take it with me. But like, guys, my mom's still up here. We got to save my mom. Right. As you say that. And as you're considering what to do with the concentration spell and how Glenn's going to keep him there.

you hear the door to her bedroom open and she walks out holding her knitting needles, one in each fist as if they're daggers. And she looks at you, Henry, and she goes, you broke the crystal. Yeah, I broke the crystal. We got to go, mom. We got to go. We got to get out of here. She shakes her head and she goes, you have to go.

And she starts walking toward the froggy form of Barry. Mom, what are you doing? I told you don't ever come back here. And that's what I want you to do. I have unfinished business with your father. Henry, realizing the situation and what his mom wants to do and realizing how serious she is about it. He turns to her and he's like, Mom, I'm...

I love you. I love you too, son. So during all of this, Glenn is just like making up techno now. He's just been trying to extend this drop. It's a very important listener that when you imagine that heartfelt scene between mother and son, that you also imagine Glenn in the background with glow sticks just punching the air and doing sandstorms. What you hear is this. What you're hearing is you're hearing...

He's like looking around like, I can't go much higher than this guy. And so Henry hugs his mom. And then as he hugs her, he casts stone skin on her. Oh, cool. The spell turns the flesh of a willing creature who touches hard as stone until the spell ends. The target has resistance to non-magical bludgeon, piercing and slashing damage. So you're not turning her to stone. You're just making her strong. He turns his mom to stone. And he's also going to see if I have any other buffs for her.

I'm going to just... His last parting act is going to buff up his mom to kick his dad's ass. So... Well, maybe we can give her something besides the knitting needles because, I mean, what you going to do? Make him a sweater? Ron, it's my mom. She's a badass cleric. She knows what she's doing. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I...

No hesitation. No, I'm sure she's really, yeah. Oh my God. We have a couple turns before he's going to wake up, right? We can be out of initiative now. You have essentially as much time as you want to do all this stuff, presuming your character is thinking relatively quickly, which I imagine you would be. Okay, so he casts guidance on her. So once before the spell ends, she can add a D4 to any ability check of her choice.

She's also going to have resistance, which means she can add a D4 to the number rolled to one saving throw. I know we're not even going to see this fight, so it doesn't matter. This reminds me of when we fight Amiibos in Smash Bros. It's just going to be two NPCs. And then the last thing he does is he is going to conjure at third level, he's going to conjure a whole bunch of animals to fight with her. Oh, wow. Damn. So he summons a...

giant constrictor snake to fight at her side and says, you fight with the forest, you fight for the oaks. Goodbye, mother. Despite the fact that her skin is now made of stone, you can see a tear roll down her cheek as she nods solemnly at you. And she looks at the snake and she nods and then turns back and walks toward your father, brandishing her knitting needles like fangs in her hands as the serpent next to her also brandishes its fangs. Can I roll perception to see if I can take anything else out of here that might be

Handy. Yeah, go ahead. Nice. Yes, that's the rogue we wanted the whole time, baby.

Looking for loot. Beth, you were always the rogue we wanted the whole time. Don't listen to Freddy. Damn, thanks. You're welcome. Well, I rolled a three, so... Never mind. Yeah, you don't see shit. You don't see shit. What you do is we go into your vision like a first-person camera and we see your eyes go over like a shimmering gold goblet and like a scepter made of fire and a necklace that's like talking and then we come back to you and you're like, nope, there's nothing in here. Oh, God.

All right, so are you going to break your concentration? I'm going to tell everyone else, guys, go ahead. I'm going to hold this until the first attack is made. And then the moment that the attack happens, I'm going to cast greater invisibility on myself. You see as Autumn Oak

into the air with her knitting needles held high and she... She leaps far higher than anybody should be able to leap and brings the knitting needles down and spears his left and right eyes, leaving only the one in the middle unspeared. And then she just opens her mouth and she goes, fuck you, hubby. And she fucking, that's horrible. That's horrible. She goes, I want a divorce. She opens her fucking mouth.

She opens her mouth and she just bites down on the third eye and bursts it and just fucking goop just comes out and just like hits her in the fucking face. And Glenn goes, that's my cue. So only Glenn saw that. Yeah. And then the doors slam behind you as you run out and you just hear all kinds of fucking fighting. I think that Glenn does a Jeff Goldblum impression from Jurassic Park. The Lost World is like, mommy's very angry. Yeah.

So yeah, you hear hissing and you hear stabbing and you hear the sound of a frog hemoth coming back into consciousness going and fighting and stuff like that as you all run down the stairs. As you get to the entrance, you see the two guards that you told that they were making soup or whatever the fuck or fried chicken, whatever the hell. They were making French fries. French fries. Thank you. You see them at the front door eating handfuls of French fries. They're like, what's going on? I'm going to roll perception.

to see how well done those french fries are because that's going to be an indicator of what temperature the oil is at. Oh my god. Can you roll? That's a 17. They're pretty well done. Okay, okay, okay. Henry says, my mother is fighting for the future of this place. She's fighting for us and for your salvation. Go to her aid! They go, oh, oh, okay. You don't even have to roll for that because you're the prince. They run up as well. As you exit the temple...

you see everybody in the village is over eating French fries and laughing around the big bubbling pot of oil, except for Canary, who is standing with her back to the entrance. And she turns around, she sees you, and you see that she's holding a bunch of seaweed snacks in her hand. And she goes...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, boys, are you okay? Is everything okay? I heard fighting and I thought that maybe Father Barr had done something horrible to you. You look so wounded. Please take some healing. And she basically opens her hands up and offers you the seaweed snacks. There's 18 of them. And she says, each of these will heal you a little bit. So take as many as you want to get back up to full health. I was like, nah. Zero luck at hand. Yeah.

No, he did. But Matt doesn't trust Canary right now. I don't know why he's suspicious. The turtle just looks at the seaweed. It's like, no, I'm good. Thanks, though. So first thing I'm going to do is make a perception check. Insight. Insight. Damn it. I'm not as good as insight. Okay.

I got a natural one. So Henry says, Canary, thank you. I have so much to tell you. I just learned a bunch of crazy stuff about my dad. And right now, you have to trust me that he's an evil man. And despite the fact that he's my dad and I love him, he's this just it's it's very complicated. And my right now, my mother is battling and I need you all to go fight for her.

and to help her and we can bring peace and we can make the horrible things he's done right again. He starts eating some of these seaweed snacks. Glenn doesn't hear the sea, but he does hear the weed part, so he grabs a bunch. Imagining that each one of them restores a D8 of health, how many do each of you take? I would grab like a handful, so I feel like he would be like four. Henry is going to take three.

Ron, are you eating any? Yeah, I'm taking two. And then Mr. Mustache is taking two, too. Peyton's with me. He's looking at that green stuff. He's like, where's the fries? Canary fans out the seaweed in front of you. And you guys take it like from a fucking Lunchables commercial where the mom brings out the platter and all the hands come in. Nice. You see Canary smiling. She goes, thank you so much for doing this. Thank you so much. And do you remember a couple episodes ago? Mm.

No. Uh-oh. No. I rolled on the encounter table for you and you got a natural one. You remember that? Yeah, I remember that. That was when you guys were sleeping, taking a rest on the way to Oakvale. And that night you would heard something shuffling around in the foliage and you didn't think much of it. And if the rest of the night went on totally fine, everything seemed okay.

But the next morning, if you'd just been a little bit more alert, you would have noticed when you picked up your pack that it was just a little bit lighter than it had been last night when you put it down. And in this moment, as you take the seaweed snacks from Canary,

you realize what it was because these seaweed snacks, you expected them to be really like fragile and soft and edible in the way that seaweed snacks tend to be. But they're like pretty firm and pretty smooth. And Canary looks a little bit different. Like there's something going on with her. And after she says, thank you so much, you see that the magical visage

falls away and you're not looking at Canary. This is not Canary. You are looking at somebody who has glamored themselves and that person is Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins, a.k.a. Sir. No!

And as you look down into your hands, the seaweed snacks are not seaweed snacks. And she is holding what remains of the deck of many things. And each of you just drew from the deck of many things. Are you fucking kidding me? I did heal 18 points of health, though. I do want to say that. I should have fucking shown. You motherfucker. Oh, my God.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

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