Ep. 53 - The Roc
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hello, my name is Glenn Close. I hear the daddies fighting, they're fighting Liz Warden. I ain't seen my son named Nick since, I don't know when. I'm stuck in Meth Bay Prison, time is dilated.

But these guards don't know that these bars can't hold. I finally escaped from inside the doo-doo zone. Tricked them all and busted out with my riding toe. But I went back for some armor, passed out on the floor. I was 36 on Tuesday, yet now I'm 54. Don't see price. I'm ready.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Just start rioting now. Go ahead.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. And we're back, baby. It's Freddie. He's back, baby. He's Batman. The voice that launched a thousand ships back at the top of the hour, ladies and gentlemen. My name. A thousand riffs. Nice. The natural order has reasserted itself. Life finds a way.

This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into a world of magic and fantasy on a quest to rescue their lost sons. Along with their cool friend Glenn. Along with their cool friend Glenn. Me, that's me. That's Bud. Yeah, you still gotta cuck yourself verbally out.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll buff bard of the group. Oh my God. Oh yeah, that's right. Buff bard. Oh man. The over-leveled buff bard of the group. The buff bard. I hate it. Elder. The elder statesman. Wait, did he level up a bunch? Yeah. No, he didn't level up in jail at all, but his strength has increased a little bit. Wow. In one very specific circumstance, his strength gets plus one point. This week's Glenn fact, Glenn is no stranger to

impersonators pretenders to the throne as it were back in our world he had a three year period where been there podcast over Beth wins game over there she is the best podcaster on the show

Where he was locked in Mortal Kombat with a band called the Ben Rose Christmas Quartet. Oh, no! Which played like Christmas classics in like an actual string quartet form. And he's like, this person's harshing my bookings. So over the course of incredible...

sabotage, including like buying out the Ben Rose Quartet's URL out from under them so that it would redirect to his website and like all manner of shenanigans. Basically, let's just say the Ben Rose Quartet's mostly doing wedding gigs now and that the king of mall music reigns supreme. Wedding gigs must pay more than mall music. I have to imagine if you're a top tier wedding band. No, absolutely. No, I'm sorry. No, because...

Jimmy, no. Congratulations, Jimmy, by the way. A married man. Mr. Jimmy Wong. I thought you were going to be like, congratulations, Jimmy, a wedding singer.

Hi, everybody. This is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this magical world of adventure and danger and spells and whatnot. So a little quick dad fact. I was trying to get back to some domestic life for Daryl. It's been a while. So Daryl has gotten very good at bacon, those Chelsea buns.

And it's because one day he was like, you know, those Chelsea boys, they've been so nice. I'm always there early in the morning. I haven't heard about the Chelsea boys in a while. Yeah, I'm going to make some Chelsea buns. He had realized that Chelsea buns are like sticky buns. He likes sticky buns. So one morning he spent all morning trying to make the perfect Chelsea buns. After a few batches, he finally got a good batch. He went to the bar.

hung out with the boys. When he came back, all of his other batches were gone. And what had happened is Carol came back every month. Somebody supposed to bring breakfast. And she's like, oh, my God, Daryl must have made these buns knowing I was supposed to bring breakfast to the work this morning. So now Daryl is stuck every second Monday of the month. He has to make Chelsea buns for Carol because they were such a big hit. Oh, so he never let her on. No, no, no, because nobody can know about the Chelsea boy. So he totally played along like, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

This was for you. I'm so thoughtful. She can't ever know my boy's secret. Also, I have a very quick dad fact because you guys didn't let me do a dad fact because you're all jealous about my beautiful baby girl. Excuse me? So I have another dad fact really quick. So the second dad fact is just a little thing about Grant. Recently, when Grant wakes up, he takes a book from his shelf and he starts reading it. Oh,

Oh no, that's Dorothy and she's only two and she's already doing that shit just happened. My daughter's the best. Amazing. She's like, how to own daddy on the internet someday. Me and my wife now are just watching the baby monitor, just watching our baby girl take a book off her shelf. She wakes up, grabs a book, sits back down and is reading

by herself two years old I've been on your side I have been like with you I love babies dot is incredible so cute this is where we go our separate ways I cannot have you monopolizing the podcast with things that are like supposed to be about the podcast farther away you get from me the farther away you're from the most perfect little human being on the planet named Dorothy I'm just happy where I am don't worry about it

That's all. I'm a real dad. Okay, Matt, no, no, no. Real question. Does Dot genuinely understand what she's looking at at her age or is she just doing it? Is she looking on the monitor being like, they think I'm so fucking smart right now. Oh, I know they're watching me. Oh God. Like how hard are you getting played? I mean, that'd be incredible if she's trying to play us. That's like a whole level of intellect. I couldn't even possibly imagine that too. I mean, babies are brilliant. Like I don't doubt

that. Let us know when she's reading Infinite Jest so I can come over and explain it to her. Oh, you'll know. She'll let everybody know when she's reading Infinite Jest. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I am the official voice actor for Henry Oak, the fictional character on the podcast Dungeons and Daddies. I'm going to get straight to it. Henry is a crunchy, munchy, hippie, druid, nature, granola, rockin', Birkenstock, rockin', hippie, nature, druid dad. And this week...

I got a little bit of notice on Twitter for something that happened in last week's episode, wherein Henry was able to say that Frankenstein was his favorite monster while in the zone of truth, which led to a lot of questions about like, well, if he's in a zone of truth, how can he lie about Frankenstein? I thought Fran couldn't tell a lie. And so I thought I'd clear this up because my dad fact this week is the fact that the name of the monster is Frankenstein. Oh, here we go. Oh, no. All right. All right. What's the movie called?

I never thought this would be how somebody gets canceled on our podcast, but here it is. What's the movie called where they make a girlfriend for Frankenstein? Is it called The Bride of Frankenstein's Monster? No, it's called The Bride of Fucking Frankenstein. Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein. Dr. Frankenstein isn't even in the fucking movie. What?

Wolfman meets Frankenstein. I'll stand with Will. Nowhere in the book does it clarify the monster's name. So nowhere does it specifically say he's not named Frankenstein. Don't use air bud rules on this. I believe that you can absolutely agree. You can have two names. You can be the monster. Your dad can be Dr. Frankenstein and your name can also be Frankenstein because people call you Frankenstein. It's like the DeLorean, right? We don't say like, actually, it's DeLorean's car. DeLorean is the guy that made the DeLorean. It's a DeLorean. So,

Frankenstein's his surname, so he would take his surname. Yeah, like, please, Dr. Frankenstein is my dad. Call me Frankenstein. Yeah, he's Adam Frankenstein, and it goes by Frankenstein. You know people in your life who go by their last name, you fucking liars. Let me ask you one question. Do you think the song Frankenstein by the Edgar Winter Group is about fucking Dr. Victor Frankenstein, or is it about...

The monster. You think the sixth synth wrists are referencing someone with a PhD? Fuck off. I yield the remainder of my time. Hello, my name is Beth May, a.k.a. May, just my surname, a.k.a. May's monster, which is what happens when I get a little grouchy, a.k.a. the only legal person allowed to play Ron Stanton.

Legally the only performer of Ron Stampler. There is a bootleg illegal one that we do not speak of. I say it like Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue.

Fun fact about Ron this week. He never went on a honeymoon with Samantha, at least in any official capacity. He thinks that they've been on a permanent honeymoon because he likes honey and the moon exists. Very good.

So he'll make these references on like full moon nights when they're having like, I guess, honey or something on something like, oh, honey in the tea. We're still in the honeymoon phase. I like how he's so lazy on the explanation of the moon. It's like, why is it called a honeymoon? Well, I like honey and the moon. I mean, it exists. Yeah, that's the tracks.

I love it. Also, just to peek behind the curtain really quick, just for the fans who are listening, there's nothing going on behind the scenes legally. I don't know why everybody's so paranoid about who could possibly play them or steal their identity. There's no deal happening behind the scenes. Zooey Deschanel is going to take over the part of Ron in a couple episodes. Oh, shoot. Sorry, Beth. I didn't want you to find out this way, but you've been recast. I know. I know you guys have been looking for a quirkier woman. I know.

Just not quirky enough. A real shoegazer. For some reason, Ron sings three times more. Freddie said he had a quirky woman, Freddie. Like, okay, as long as she's at least this quirky, she can be on the show. When they found out I couldn't play ukulele, they cut me off the podcast. Ron doesn't roll dice anymore. Ron rolls ladybugs. All right, fifth wheel, go.

I guess I was going to say, actually, you know, representation sometimes benefits you because I don't have a Zooey Deschanel to compare to me. Like, that just doesn't exist yet. Maybe I get to be Zooey Deschanel in my universe. Do you want to be the male Asian Zooey Deschanel? I don't know. Maybe for like a day at the very least. I feel like that doesn't wash off once you've made that your persona. What's up, everyone? I play the fictional father, Jodie Foster. Jodie is a highway cop turned paladin in this universe.

So Jody is a self-deterministic human being indeed. He had a lot of insecurities, though, about his nickname growing up and just his name in general. After all, he has the exact same name as the famous award-winning actor Jody Foster. So he's tried writing it with a Y. He's done the old IE at the end. Freddie, as a real human, understands his pain. Oh, yeah. He's gone by Joe, Joey, Joe C., Joe B., Joe D., you know, that kind of thing. And then finally, Joseph worked.

And he liked it. He felt like, wow, I'm getting some respect. I'm like an adult. Most importantly, a girl liked him. How about, how about? So that was the reason why Joseph Warwick. But canonically, Jodie also, you know, is in the universe when Friends was like playing on the air when he was growing up.

And at one point, the character of Joey gets convinced by his friend Chandler that Joseph Stalin would be the right name for him to take to become a really popular actor. Because a name change is all an actor needed. And then Jody got mocked at school for being called Joseph because everyone started calling him Joseph Stalin. Wow. So he had to go back to Jody. Kids really plugged into friends. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. Dude.

Dude, everyone at the school watched Friends. It was just the show of the moment. Joe's like, why is everybody calling me Joseph Stalin? They're like, I guess you don't watch Friends. I was like, wait, what? What's going on? He never watched Friends himself. He was just subject to just belittling because of a show he never understood. Yeah, no one told him life was going to be that way. Nice.

Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad. So today, instead of a dad fact, I'm going to do a little new corner called Please Recommend Something to Me, Daddy. Or to shorten it, Please Wreck Me, Daddy. And so... Love it. If you haven't played like a jigsaw puzzle in a while, I found them on Amazon. They're called Magic...

jigsaw puzzles or something like that they're like a thousand pieces they're obscenely difficult but they're designed by like game designers and magicians and there's an envelope inside the puzzle box that says don't open this until you finish the puzzle and apparently the jigsaw puzzles have twist endings now what that's something i've been working on that's pretty cool i'll let you know if the ending turns out that way but i just want to let everybody know that's so you haven't done one yet no i'm like halfway through and it feels really good to put the

pieces in somewhere and feel like I'm actually accomplishing something in my life, something concrete that I can point to and go, look what I've done. Meanwhile, I bought a child's spirograph on Amazon the other day and I've had a great time with it. I love we just got the news story that millennials are having less sex than ever and living with their parents and aunties. Like, I'm doing puzzles. Our generation just got to the age of 60 before anybody else, faster than anybody. Normal millennial plays video games and doesn't have sex. I got a vasectomy and I do jigsaws. Come the fuck out.

He had me birch life any percentage speedrun.

So the last time we left you, you were in the process of breaking Glenn Close out of the Meth Bay Supermax prison. Glenn had sort of simultaneously broken himself out, helped you with a fight against Elizabeth Warden, took off your face-off boots, got you all of your gear back, and then crucially used his bardic inspiration to cause a riot in the Meth Bay Supermax. Jody, your son and Peyton are upstairs in general population, presumably dealing with the consequences of the riot. Yes.

And right when we left off, you had received a phone call from your lovely wife, Morgan Freeman. So would Glenn see the phone, like the caller ID on this? Probably not. Okay. You answer that loser.

Honey, what's going on? Nothing. I was just checking in to see how the whole finding our kids quest is going, if everything's okay. It's weird to do the time you want me to. I literally just hung up. I got to call you again. I don't know. How you doing? We are pushing through. It's the same as last time. Another hurdle, but we're going to get through it, and we're going to get our boy out safe. I promise. Okay. Do you want me to not call you anymore? You sound like a little... No, no, no, no, no. It's just the current moment. Hey, hang up, man. We got a prison ride to get through. Come on. Jody, who are you talking to? We're in the middle...

hang up it's my wife oh your wife oh you that makes sense you would have a yeah um well maybe we can walk and talk somebody had to make that kid oh gosh i didn't even think about that oh geez um honey they're babbling again we have to get upstairs and we there's a lot in between us and our son and and everyone right now and we got to help them out so i i gotta call you back jody

Remind me what your wife's name is again. Thank you, Beth. Morgan. Glenn is getting more suspicious and more confused by the minute. Okay, Glenn, a brief aside, my dude. Can you come here for a second? Yeah, what's up? Clonk, clonk, clonk, clonk, clonk, clonk. Daryl, you come here too. Okay, I don't want to leave Ron out. Hey, Ron, get over here. Yeah, okay. Jody, why don't you wrap up with Morgan? We're going to just catch Glenn up to speed here real quick. Hey.

Okay, everyone. What the fuck's going on? Glenn, don't freak out, okay? We're all really happy to see you, and we're all here for you, and we all love you, and we all support you, but Jody is Nick's new dad, and I'm pretty sure... What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, that's what the court said. Remember, they said they were going to send you to prison, and that you were going to be Nick's dad. The courts say shit all the time. It doesn't mean anything. The laws aren't real. Glenn, listen. I put my hands on your shirt. Glenn, you're in prison, right? They said that would happen to you. That happened, right? So? They also said you're no longer going to be Nick's dad.

Okay, so that did happen, but Nick is still here, so Nick needs a dad, so the dad that is now not you is that guy, Jody. He's dad. He's Nick's dad. It was really confusing at first. Did something happen to Nick? Oh, uh, yes. Um, listen. What the fuck? Let's let go. I'm gonna tell you this, buddy. Um, he's getting me kind of choked up, but I'm just gonna come out and say it. Your son...

Sucks now. He's awful. God. Oh, God. I lean in. He's a cop. Glenn grabs Ron by the collar and says, you say that shit to me one more time. As you grab Ron by the collar, Glenn, you feel a familiar feeling of something scaring up your chest. And the rest of you see a small rat sort of perch on Glenn's shoulder and then face Glenn and wave its arms in the air and go squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak. Like it's trying to calm you down. Oh, my gosh. A little rat buddy. Who's that? Who's that?

guy. He's got a little rat friend? What's that about? Sorry, you got a lot going on. We're throwing a lot at you right now. You have a rat? This is my boy. He helped me get out, right? I hold my fist for a little fist bump with the rat. Squeak. He daps you back. Oh, nice. Is he saying something to you? What is it? What's his name? Me and Nick Jr. here have an understanding. Oh my God, that is so sad. Oh no. Oh no.

Daryl's getting really sad. Anyway, come on, let's go. What are we wasting time for? Jacking our jaws and talking on phones? We got a prison ride to get through. Yeah, we'll deal with our feelings later. Let's keep going. I gotta go. It looks like everyone's about to move. Okay. Love you very much, honey. Okay, smooches. Nothing worse than cutesy sign-offs on the phone. Come on, guys. Let's get out of here. Just real quick.

You know how this is a prison, but it's also where they get a lot of work done. And it seems like the best intersection between weapons and business is a prison warden office. So I'm going to go around here, see if I can get any sort of weapons that might be weapon-like. Ooh, is Ron going to get a weapon upgrade? I just want this letter opener, honestly. Ooh.

Because our character, we got all of our weapons back, right? You did. Yeah. Everybody has their normal stuff. And Ron has a letter opener. Okay, wait. Is there a way that I can get like, not brass knuckles, but like, what if like I fucking like cut the paper shredder in two and put the teeth things on my knuckles? And I was like,

I got shredder knuckles. Like Wolverine? Yeah. Okay. We have to tape it on, right? Let's say with the group of you here and all of your strength, it's more or less trivial to remove the teeth from the paper shredder. How are you going to fix them to your fist? Ron, here's some scotch tape over here. It's just a big roll of double-sized scotch tape. Daryl, being a wannabe coach, quickly does sports taping and just freaking tapes those bad boys right to your knuckles. You cannot.

hold anything now, though. Your hands are taped. No, you can't. The tape goes across your palms. Okay, yeah. Then that happens. You now have the worst bargain basement cosplay Wolverine claws humanly possible. This is a thrill. Love it. How do they feel, Ron? Sick. They're cold. A little cold. They're cold? Well, I mean, that's not on me. Don't warm up with your hands. Okay. I'm just saying I'm pretty good at that whole sports tape thing. Okay, fine. I grab the rock that says you're a shitty mom. All right.

Okay. I'm just going to take this memento. Get a kid made for me. We'll talk about Spike. At the very least, you know that it means something to her. So it's an insult on top of injury. Wow, dude. Okay. I don't know why I'm taking it. Okay. Can we go? Let's bust out of here. Let's do it. We want to go up to Jen Pop. We want to go up on floor.

As you ascend to general population, you see chaos brewing. You see that all of the cell doors are open. People, while they still have their face-off boots on, there's nobody downstairs manning the stations. So they're just...

running around just trying to beat on guards. The vomit bird is circling up high looking down on you like, should I vomit? Should I not? And it's just sort of going around in circles. There are guards being thrown off of the catwalks across the panopticon. Hell yeah, dude. Why don't you roll perception or investigation to see if you can spot your kids in this mess? Alright, alright, alright. 5 plus 4, 9. Yeah, you don't see shit. What about the others? My visor's in the way. 19. 19, nice. I got 17. I got a 21. Payton! Payton!

Dad, boy. So when you say dad, boy, a couple of people that are not in turn to look at you, but you also hear in the distance, daddy, son. And you can see Peyton has a shiv and he's like slashing. But like at the air, like he and Nicholas are both being pretty much ignored. Peyton clearly wants to get involved in the fracas. And Nicholas is just walking around with his hands on his hips going, you put him down right now. You put that down.

This is an officer of the law. I just like complaining and like looking really flustered and throwing up his hands in frustration. There they are. Hayden, put that down. Just hide. I'm assuming they can't hear us right now either. I'm sorry, Daryl. He heard Daryl shout of Payden, but you guys are on the opposite side of a floor, basically. Same floor? Yeah, for simplicity's sake, let's just say, yeah. Are they in danger? They are close to a bunch of people that are throwing haymakers and blades and doing a lot of stuff. So they're certainly in danger from possibly collateral damage, but nobody is targeting these two children because they look

as harmless as harm is conveyed. - I had a character remind me, how did dinner time start with a bird? Was there like a bell or something? - The guards went dinner time and then it just started. - Okay, so Daryl puts his hands and he goes, dinner time! It's dinner time bird, you look like you're wondering if it's dinner time and we're all pretty hungry, that's why we got, we're hangry down here, that's why people are getting angry, so like dinner time. - Roll a performance.

About accurate to the performance I just gave, it was an eight. So the bird looks down at you and shakes its big old beak. As like some debris like flies upward and the bird's like, and like flinches backward from it. It seems scared of coming down and vomiting. Glenn walks forward, stunned into the fray, looking up at the sun.

And be like, this is the first time I've seen him. Like, he's, like, looking at his hands in the sunlight and just, like, briefly mesmerized by it. You mean like Nicolas Cage in Con Air? Sure, yeah. You're, like, feeling the breeze in your face, like, smiling real big. Think about that bunny you're going to take home to your son. Yeah, exactly. Like, he's sitting there while all this is going around. Yeah. Joey's just going to start barging ahead and, like, looking at Daryl being like, you're the biggest guy here. Let's go. Daryl gets in front. Like, kind of grabbing his hand and pulling him because I need the body. The moment he grabbed my hand, I, like, kind of like a toddler, like, I can walk myself.

And yes, I create a barricade. I start running in front of you. I notice them pass me and then I want to get behind and also like help push through to wherever they're headed. Okay. Give me a strength check, Daryl. With my left hand. Yes. Okay. Because since you're pushing on Daryl with your left hand, that means, Daryl, you get advantage on your strength check. Ooh. I think I do anyways as a big boy barbarian. Oh, sure. Double advantage. Double. Here we go. What's up?

18. So with an 18, you manage to barrel a couple of convicts out of your way. They fall to the ground. As you clear past them, you get next to Payden and Nicholas and a guard that is thrown from the floor above you like lands between you and them. It immediately speaks into her gauntlet. It goes, the new ones are loose. They've got all their gear. I'm just going to keep running. I run straight into like, I don't stop. Go ahead and give me another strength roll. See if you can knock her out of the way entirely.

Oh, 21. Whoa. Okay, yeah, you just like, boom, and like bounce her away like you're a video game character, basically. She just, pow, and like flies off to the side. So I go, thanks for the clear, Daryl. Good thing we practiced this earlier, right? And I strut up to Nick like I've been planning this for years, and I hold my arm out. I'm like...

What's wrong, Nick? Pushing too many pencils. And I hold out, expecting a predator high five. So as you raise your extremely buff left arm to do a predator high five to Nicholas, he just looks at your arm and then to your eyes and then like with a squint and a shrug, he goes, what are you doing? What is this? Predator.

The movie? I haven't seen that movie. What do you mean? That was like our favorite movie. It was like a Friday movie. It's rated R and it's not about the military in a positive light, so my dad and I don't watch it. I literally stagger back as if I've been hit by like a thousand punches at once. That's psychic damage for sure. That's psychic damage for sure, I think. Yeah, right? Roll a d6 of psychic damage. I take two damage psychically and I finger tut to Payden. Give it to me straight, P-Man. What's actually going on here?

And he finger tuts to you. Peyton, you can just speak out loud. We're all here. Glenn, we should all talk this out. Don't listen to him. We're in the middle of a prison, Ryan. Why don't we have finger tut conversation?

conversation. Yeah, just don't listen to him. You're the only person I can trust. Payton, son, don't finger touch. He says, I did learn finger touching just to not use it. And then he finger touched to you. Okay, so this is going to be kind of a shock, I know. But Nicholas, and this takes a while, he goes by Nicholas now. He's been raised by this other guy, by Jody, and he's different. He's kind of a narc. He wears, like, khakis. Daryl picks up Payton and stands in front of him. He's like, Payton, for God's sake, just speak out loud, please. Ha ha ha ha.

Okay, so yes, Nicholas is the son of Jodie Foster. This is Nicholas Foster. And as you can tell, the douche apple did not fall far from the shit tree.

Payton. What? I contemplate I sees him. Payton, that's rude. Excuse me. I'm not saying I disagree with you. It's just rude. Nicholas is like, how dare you? What are you talking about? He wouldn't even let me give him a shiv. That's how much of a dark this boy is. I thought he would make me a target. I'm going to grab Jody by the collar and pin him up against the wall. Oh, shit. I'd be like,

Who the hell are you? Well, okay, first of all, Jody, are you going to... Yeah, I can hear it right when he finally says it out loud, but it doesn't tell me much. I'm just very confused. So I don't think I actually oppose what happens here with Glenn. Okay, great. Ron looks around and says, Hey, could you guys give us the room? We've got some following issues to hash out. Roll intimidation with disadvantage. Oh my gosh, please. Please.

Six. An elbow hits you directly in the face, Ron, and your nose breaks. Oh, no. Daryl looks for who swung that elbow. It's a very large guard in a very large suit of armor. I say, okay, you know what? That's enough. And then Henry casts Wall of Fire, which allows me to cast a 60-foot long, 20-foot high, and one-foot thick ringed Wall of Fire. Whoa. And so I'm just going to put up like a Wall of Fire between us and the rest of the riders and be like, this is our conversation zone. This is a private room.

We're not part of the riot. Turn this into a fight. We just turned this into the octagon. Yeah. If it's a 60 foot radius ring of fire, then you have definitely included the guard that, that just elbowed it on three inmates. I can make it as big as I want. So I put up a thing between us and everyone else. I say, this is a private zone. Okay. Okay. So really quick, really quick. I have an insane reference here. Um,

Has anyone played the game Jez Ball? No. Yeah, when you make the wall split to separate the balls. Oh, Jez Ball. And you have to like put a wall to split it. Oh my God, Jez Ball. Wow. So what you're saying is that you are playing Jez Ball with this wall of fire to only encompass the balls in this corner, which is us. I feel like you got a role for that. That is so specific. Will should play a round of Jez Ball to see how many guards get within the thing of fire. Yeah.

Will, do you have easy access to Jezball? Jezball free web arcade. Should I record my screen? How do I do this? Will is now sharing his screen for an online version at freewebarcade.com for the game Jezball. I'm so excited. And it just says not secure next to the domain. It looks like an old Flash game almost. I'm amazed that this isn't filled with...

Bad ads. All right, here we go. 30 seconds later. Will's about to fail right now. I'm so stressed out. You guys gotta give me a fucking break. Oh my god! You only got to level two! You couldn't even get the end of level three!

three balls. Fuck you. Fuck you. Henry Spell works by rolling a dice, not by playing a fucking video game. Anthony, how many guards are in with us? All right, so you got one big ass guard, the one that elbowed Ron in the face. And then you've got another guard that came over when they saw the flame thing going around and goes, hey, it's just like a jazz ball. And then walked

in and there are also two other convicts that are standing around. So you have two guards and two convicts and then all of you inside your ring of fire. I turn to the other guards and I say, I was trying to make this a private conversation space. So if you guys could just respect the conversation we're trying to have, we'll riot with you and fight you in a moment. Roll a persuasion with disadvantage. Can Daryl help? Uh-huh. Can Daryl help? He's like, back up. These two prisoners are throwing down. They don't even care about the guards. You don't want to get in the middle of those two fists. No, no, no. Remember, guys, I look like a guard right now. Oh.

Interesting. I think that was beautiful. We're going to undo that entire thing. So you look like a guard holding up a... Yeah, a prisoner. Oh, I go... It probably says, though, oh, that guard looks like he needs backup, and they're rushing over to Glenn's side. Yeah. To wit, I got a six on my persuasion. So they are not going to stop fighting. You grab Jody by the neck, and they grab Jody by each shoulder, and they go, yeah, yeah, we got

Just stop rioting. I'm still staring down Jody, waiting for a response to my initial question. Who are you? Glenn. I'm Jody. What do you want? What did you do to my son? My boy, my boy. Look what they did to my beautiful boy. What? Nicholas? So when you say Nicholas, he turns like, you don't have a son? What are you talking about? You're a weird friend that hangs out with us. I go...

And I take Jody's body and I want to hurl him at the two guards near us like a bowling ball into a bunch of bowling pins. Go ahead and give me a strength check. This one I have to try and oppose because this is too much movement. Okay. Are you sure you don't want Jimmy and Freddy to play a round of tech and tag tournament too because apparently we're playing video games to do everything now? Don't be mad that you literally lost on the second level of Jez Ball. Oh, shit. We just had two very good rolls. I rolled a 14 plus 620. I rolled a 14 plus 721.

Oh my goodness. I feel like Jody watched an Aikido demonstration or a Judo demonstration at some point. And so then he flips me into the other guards. Yes. He uses your momentum using his momentum against you against him. It becomes a double twist. He watched a Judo demonstration and you watched that episode of Cowboy Bebop where Spike just says be like water and now the kid can fucking flip someone over. Like what was that about? Yeah.

Am I right? Any Cowboy Bebop fans? So, Freddy, you take 2d8 of damage as you slam into these armored guards. Whoa. And you knock them down prone. Dude, IQ fucks. What? He's a big boy now in a big suit of armor. Ooh, seven damage. Okay, so you take seven damage and you knock these two to the ground. And the guards, they're in a zone of Jez Ball fire, so they go like, oh, it's on now! And Glenn is basically pinning them down because he's on top of them. What are you going to do now? I'm going to run at Nicholas.

And I'm going to yell, let's go. I'm going to pick him and Peyton up and like gesture to everyone's like, grab Glenn. Let's get out of here. You grab Nicholas and he happily takes your hand. You try to grab Peyton's hand. He's like, ew, and like pulls away from you. He's like, I'm next to you. It's fine. Daryl's running to Glenn and out of the corner, yeah.

His eye, he sees Peyton, like, you know, disregard Jody and he kind of taps on his back. And like, I feel like Peyton instantly knows the signal and just leaps onto his back for the piggyback ride. Yeah. Great. For sure. I lean down to Glenn and say, Glenn, I promise we're going to explain what's going on, but we got to get the hell out of here for your sake and Nick's sake. We need your help, man. You look like a guard. Help out. Fine! And I stand up and there's two guards here with me still, right? Yeah. They are on the ground prone, but you've just gotten up so they can stand up as well. So I'm going to tell them in the performance voice, I'll be like...

I'll take care of these losers. The warden needs your help all the way down in level negative two is where you're all needed. Get there now. All right, roll deception. Oh yeah, I'm shaking my boots. Is that helping, Glenn? I'm shaking my boots. Daryl, it doesn't, you're not, they know you're not one of them because they're slime guys, remember? I backhand Daryl to shut him up. What's your unarmed attack damage? Two damage. Okay, so Daryl, you take two damage to your face. To my face.

So 25. 11 plus 14. Why are we even bothering? Yeah, that'll do it. Wait, you get plus 14? Yes. Unless you get a one. Okay. With a 25, they go, oh, absolutely. And they happily run through the fire because you were so goddamn persuasive. And they go, ha ha ha.

I think that Ron is quietly singing Ring of Fire. The Ring of Fire. Mesmerized. He's like, I thought I would make this the wholesome prison blues. Wow! Holy shit. Ron, you get inspiration. Ron gets inspiration. Not Beth. Ron got it. That's fantastic. Glenn takes a second, collects himself and says...

How are we getting out of here then? You guys scope this place out? I mean, no, we just got sent here. I don't know if they usually don't lead the prisoners through the ways that would be easy to get out. Oh, I got an idea. Henry turns into a big bird. All right. Yeah, let's fucking do it. But hold on. Out of character, I want to point out that I've listened to this podcast. The original fairy said they couldn't get you close to fly because you would get shot down. So presumably you being a bird and going away, you're still getting shot down.

Good point. I just saw so many people repeat that online where they're like, yeah, Henry just turned into a bird. It's like, yeah, you can get shot down immediately. Yeah, like Mordor. Oh, why don't the eagles just drop the ring like that big? I wouldn't notice eagles coming. Fucking stupid. Who's the biggest plot hole in history? Shut the fuck up. Why have you ran? Ding. Ding. We need to have a talk about you and the eagles, man. We need to talk about it. It's time to let it go, dude. They're wrong.

They're wrong. Not that many people actually care. But it's wrong for you to be this obsessed about them being wrong. Every time. All right. Well, unfortunately, Henry did not hear Glenn point that out until after he turned into a big bird. So Henry is still a big bird now. Great. The big bird flying around, though, is still hanging out, right? The poop bird? It's not poop. It's food. Sorry. The food bird is up top, still circling around nervously, not knowing what it should do. Yes. I yelled to Henry like, Henry, can you talk to it? Oh,

Yeah, that's a good idea. I could try. So I'm going to cast, man, I'm just going through spells like John Wick throwing guns around right now. Boom, boom, boom. That's what he does. Yeah, generally well known for throwing guns is John Wick. You're telling me he doesn't throw a gun at someone in one of those John Wicks? Come on. If they didn't make a scene where he just has a bunch of empty guns and he just throws them at people, that's where the fucking franchise needs to go. You know what? I do not have speak animals prepared right now, so Henry cannot do that. Oh.

Wait, why can't you? You can't just be a Swiss army knife of all your spells. You've got to prep them first and Henry and Dickie's going to need to speak to any animals. Well, that seems kind of dumb. It's the game part. It's a long-standing D&D debate. Put out your fire first so we can move out of here. I feel like we're stuck in a ring of fire. Oh, yeah, for sure. And then Henry claps his feathers and turns the fire off. Guys, what do you know about how to get out of here? What direction did we come from? Holy shit. I want to ask Peyton if he knows anything about how to get out of here.

All right, baby. So here are the possible ways you could get out of here. We came in through the south, but there was a lot of guards at the checkpoints and there was a gelatinous cube that was taking weapons from people. Gelatinous cubes, if you don't know, kind of a big deal, kind of difficult to kill. To the west, there's a trash chute that seems to go through an incinerator. It's like a little mine cart. You put the trash on it, it gets incinerated, and then it gets dumped out in the ocean. Apparently somebody did that. They got out, but they died. I want to turn to Jody. I'm going to say that incinerator chute I know about. Have you seen the movie The Rock, Jody? I thought it was kind of...

Whatever. Okay, but here's the thing. I did the Sean Connery thing. I heard it from someone who was locked up with me. You just have to run through it, and I'll tell you the timing. You go first and clear the way for us. Wait, hold on. How long ago did you talk to this person? Oh, roll persuasion. That is deception, my friend. Deception. He was the guy who was locked up with me, and that's how he got out. Yeah, Glenn, we heard about that guy. That guy died. Somebody came out. Glenn Mayweather.

Make your roll. And then Jody, you will roll opposed insight. So my deception roll was a seven plus 14, 21. Oh my God. I got an 18. Jody, yeah, you die. As far as you know, he's telling the truth. Okay, well, I'll factor that in. I, Ron Stampler, actually realized recently upon looking at my character sheet that I am immune to flames. What? What the?

I'm probably not immune to flames. I remember reading something today and I was like... Oh, because you specced as a tiefling, right? Yeah, I did. Oh, shit. Yeah, tieflings are immune to flames, I think. Hellish resistance. Hellish resistance. Fire resistance 5. So as long as the source of fire damage can only do 5 or less, they're functionally immune to it. Ron once attended a work retreat that had the walk on coals thing. Yeah, well, baby, you and I were on the same page. I fucking knew it. He attended a work retreat...

and it's like one of those ones where like they actually don't heat the coals up that much but so everyone thinks they can get through but somehow ron like absorbed the like mental energy to be able to do it daryl goes up to glenn i'm like glenn that seems like the best way i don't know what the hell you're talking about the fire talk to a guard tell them use your freaking authority or whatever as you did every time you talk you deceive me even though i know who you are it's so impressive every time you talk i'm like oh he's a real guard so tell a guard to go turn off the furnace and let's just get out of here okay all right uh i'm going to that sounds like a

good idea dad asking about the temperature in a jail God help you if you touch the thermostat in this jail no the thermostat so I'm going to find the nearest guard and tap them on the shoulder and say oh the warden told me we need to turn off the furnace how do I do that so the guard looks at you I rolled a 91 oh oh

Oh, no. I tried, everybody. I don't know what to do now. He got nutted by his own nunchucks. So the guard turns to you and says, oh, that's easy. Just and then pauses. And like, even though it's just a gelatinous blob inside, you can feel it squinting at you. And then before you can react in any way, it grabs your helm and just rips it off, revealing your human meat face. With a little rat on my head. With a rat on your head, pulling on your hair is like Ratatouille. Ratatouille.

The rat puts his hands over its eyes and it's very cute. That instinctively pulls me to draw the sword and just stick it into this guard in front of me. This electrified sword. Okay, go ahead and roll an attack. Oh my God. Ooh, six plus seven, 13 to DC. Okay, that's not going to do it. Too close range. Yeah, too close range. It comes out of your hilt and like the pommel of it like strikes it in the stomach because you're that close. And immediately the guard speaks into his thing and goes, Glenn Close is in here.

He's dressed as one of us. It starts panicking. It starts running away from you to try to get more guards to come and fight you. I turn around and I go, well, normally that worked. That worked like pretty well for most of this. So I guess we have to figure another way out. What about the bird? Here's my thought, gentlemen. And then Henry turns from being a bird into being a big spider. I turn into a giant spider, which is a thing I can do. And Ron's like, ah!

He's like, you gotta warn us before you do that, man. Jesus! Oh my god! Christ! Oh shoot, I'm sorry! And he's like, yes! Are you guys arachnophobic? I'm sorry, I should have given you a heads up before. Oh, jeez. Henry, like, takes one of his spider legs and, like, rubs over his, like, eight eyes. It's even worse because he's got eight eyes! Oh, it's all cut! So, uh, Henry still has eight Birkenstocks on his spider legs. Oh my god. Still has eight Birkenstocks. Every leg is covered in a condom. He had eight before? I'm so... Okay, whatever.

Don't think about it too hard. Anthony, here's what I'd like to do. I feel like as a giant spider, I can climb up walls. Yes. And then what I'm thinking is some of the people can write on me and then I can also weave a sticky web that perhaps the rest of the party can climb up to get out the top of the prison. That makes perfect sense to me. How big is the spider? Giant spider? It's like, you know, five or six inches. It's a tarantula. Five or six inches? No, I'm just kidding. It's a giant spider is a large beast.

And it has a 14 strength, if that's important. Okay. If you want to climb, you can determine how many people you want to be on your back. And then depending on who they are, how big they are, and how many of them there are, that'll modulate the difficulty of the strength check to hoist them up.

Anybody climbing up your web, do you just like automatically make web? You just say, hey, I make some web or is it like a roll or anything? So like I assume I can weave a web. That feels like something that a big spider could do. Yeah, it sounds trivial for you to do that. So anybody climbing the web will just have to make, I guess, athletics. Yeah, athletics or acrobatics. Pretty easy one to climb up. OK, kids, hop up on

my hairy spider back and everyone else follow my web that I secrete from my glands. Glenn shudders. Okay. I'm going to take Nicholas and throw him up onto the back. As he threw up Nicholas, he's like, oh no, I don't... And you throw him up trivially and he lands on the spider. He's like...

and is like raising up his hands and stuff like that and panicking like gross, gross, gross, gross, gross. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. And Glenn goes, so some things are the same. And then Peyton climbs up. He's like, this is the best thing in my life. I love spiders so damn much. Oh, oh,

Uh-oh. Let's go, baby. And he slaps you on the butt. Spider butt. Henry bucks like a horse and goes like whatever a spider says instead of nay. I feel like you just hiss a bunch. Yeah. And then I start scooting up the wall and tooting out a web. All right. Hate it. Yeah, I actually hate it. Daryl's just watching this, just upset. Just like, what's happening? Glenn's standing next to Daryl and just kind of watching as this happens. It's like these two kids climbing up in the back of spiders. Just like, oh, this is...

It's a pretty wild journey so far, huh, Daryl? Yeah. This is a lot. I could scurry up to the ceiling and then drop like a silken thread down. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, just drop one big dookie. Oh, God. And then pull it up with your butt muscles. Spiders can pull back their web, right? Henry Oak does that yoga, so he's got those extra butt muscles. Yeah, webs, spiders can... He does spider kegels. He does spider kegels. Oh, God. This is awful. This is awful. Because spiders can retract the web after they let it out. I don't know.

Can they? No, but they're crawling back up the like structural integrity of their own web. So it's like eating the web with their ass. They're not. Yeah. They're not like one of those vacuums that you press the button and retracts the cord. Like, no, when you're out there, you can pull it up with your spider arms. You use the spider arms. He could just like keep walking with it dangling out of his butt and tighten his butt and just like pulling it that way. Awful.

Oh my God. Yeah, I'm sorry, Jerry. I'm sorry. No, this, it's cute. So as you climb up to the top, you see the vomit bird is there and it begins to take a sort of defensive pose as you get near it. This bird's gonna eat your ass, dude. Oh no. No, he's a big spider though. What do birds do? Birds eat bugs. They do. Yeah, but it's a huge spider. It's a huge bird. How big? Now we need sizes. Now I need to understand this. It's big enough to pluck out one of your eyes with a beak. To fight a spider. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So it's gonna be like a little mini Godzilla fight. Yes. It's going to be a little Kaiju fight. If, if you can not convince this thing that you're peaceful, is there anything you'd like to try to do to convince it? Um, yes, I can't talk. So I'm going to like, just kind of cower from the bird. And like, I, you know, I'm just like, Ooh, don't hurt me. Like,

I put up my hands like I come in peace. Can we pretend that Ron was awesome? I feel like Ron would have wanted to. Yeah, like, yeah. Wait, wait, wait, Beth. But make a stealth roll and then it's just Ron snuck up. Yeah, Ron has just been there. I think you have to roll stealth to decide if you're still Ron. Ron's on the underbelly. Yeah, okay, I'm going to roll stealth. You guys are just trying to trick me into playing D&D. I got a 20. Oh, nice. There it is. Look at that. Ooh.

When Glenn said, Daryl, like, this is quite an adventure, I go, yeah, wait a second. Is Ron up there? Up there? This camera punch zooms in. Henry is in the middle of cowering, and then I go, oh, don't hurt me. All right, I mime, oh, don't hurt me. I see that you're a bird. I'm a spider myself. Some would say that we're enemies, but I find that in the world of business, all is fair. Um...

So do you like what you do? Throwing up on people? Roll. Persuasion. I would like to assist the persuasion roll. Once I realize that Ron is talking and trying to be this spider, like I start like puppeting like what Ron is saying. So like I'm like trying to act like Ron as a spider. I feel like the bird could only read that as an attack. I'm going to burn my inspiration. Okay. Nice. I got a 10 by the way for my assist. Okay. So your assist does nothing. Okay.

I got an 11. Well, now hold on. Everyone heard me say ready for the big ride, baby. So you can burn bardic inspiration right here and add a 1d10. So before you know the result, you can add a 1d10 to that 11 roll right now. Okay. Yeah, go ahead and roll a 1d10, Beth. Maybe I will. Yeah. Is that 1d8? No, I fucking leveled up, my dude. God damn it. Okay.

All right. So you got a 14. So the bird cocks its head at you and then it pecks out one of Henry's eyes. Oh my God. We can't have two characters with the eye patches on this show. He's got eight. Okay. And we'll see what happens when you change back, I guess. Oh no. So yeah, it does 27 damage. Does it have to roll against my AC or something? Yeah, I got a 20. Okay. Then it plucked my eye. So now it's going to do Talon's.

So just so you know, this thing gets plus 13 to hit. That's not good. No. So that was 27 damage, you said? That was 27 damage from its first attack. It makes two per turn. Oh, God.

And it is going to hit you with its talons for 23 damage and you're grappled. So it plucks you off of the wall and just has you wriggling in its talons as the kids try to hang on to the micro hairs on your back as you dangle there until it grapples into a restraint and it can't use its talons on another target.

I do not mean to panic anybody, but I currently have seven hit points. Anthony's trying to tell us we cannot do silly shit anymore. Oh, my God. I started because I got damaged in the fight with Elizabeth Ward and I didn't get time to heal myself. He just took like 50 damage. He took a lot of damage right there. That's a big bird. So just to be clear, Peyton, Nicholas, and Ron are all hanging from the spider who's hanging from this bird.

Yeah. And we watch them dangle, right? We can see this happening. Yes. And I feel like the web works the way it does in cartoons where it's like also symbolically like poop when you're nervous. Like it's just getting longer and longer coming out of your butt as this thing is like grabbing you and shaking you around. I go, hang on, Nick. And I'm going to run and try and grab this dangling web. Go ahead and give me an acrobatics check or a dexterity check, whatever you feel like makes sense for that. Eight plus eight, 16. 16. You get it easily. You got the web in hand. You can start climbing upward.

What are you going to do? I'm going to start climbing. What does Jody do? I'm curious. Well, how much space is there between... How higher up are they? Yeah. So let's say that after the bird grabbed you, you started to like weigh it down a little bit. So it's descended. So you're basically like two stories up. Okay. I'm going to... Can I run around the corners of the place? Is that possible? Is there another ladder to climb up that I don't have to go up? Yeah. There's an elevator in the center and yeah. It's like the Guggenheim. The whole thing is just one big spiral.

That's cool. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. You can do that. Why don't you roll athletics to just make sure that you get up there like you're like Will Smith in Men in Black at the beginning of the movie when he runs up the Guggenheim. Will Smith, that's so cool. I'm running up as well. Okay. All right, I got 23. Okay, great. I got 24, so I started right behind Jody and then I end like a few steps in front of Jody. Nice.

And both of you are just barreling people out of the way as you run up the spiral staircase around the center of the panopticon, around the spoke, essentially. And I'm climbing up as well. Yes. You're close enough to now grab onto the spider itself, onto Henry itself. The others who ran up the staircase, you are on the same sort of level as the spider itself. So you could like hypothetically like dive off and jump onto and grab the spider.

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Everybody give me your initiative and I'll type it in and I won't talk for a little bit because I have to move away from my mic. He moves away from his mic to breathe. He moves away from his mic to write down everyone's initiative. All right, everybody read them aloud when you are ready. I have the list here. Glenn is a nine. Daryl's a 14. Henry's a 13. Jody's a 21. And then Ron is a 14. Henry's a six, but he cleans up to an eight. Nice. Incidentally, I just realized, so the name of this large bird in Dungeons & Dragons, this is a real Dungeons & Dragons creature. It's called Rock.

As in The Rock. What? What? You could have told me that before I tried to fuck with it. Damn. It unfortunately got a natural 20 for its initiative roll, so it's going to go first. So all it has is its beak and its talons, and it cannot use its talons while it's holding on to Henry. So it's going to use its beak...

to try to snap at Glenn as you climb up. So it's going to do 26 damage to you. Does the armor absorb anything? The beak specifically does piercing damage. So you feel the hard chitinous beak of this rock penetrate the armor and then your chest, your extremely buff 50 year old flesh. Since his beak is like punched through my armor, can I grab onto its neck and like let it pull me up? So go ahead and get me a strength check and then add one to it because you have a strong left arm.

16. Yes, the 16 will do it. So you climb onto like its neck or do you just sort of grab on and just pray? Well, it's like its head's right there. So I'm just going to like grab onto its neck. And then as it lifts up, it's going to carry me along with it. Me and my big left arm. Okay, sure. Jody, it is your turn. Just to clarify, in front of me is an ROC holding on with both claws to a spider. And they're closer to the ground now, right? You said they are. They are two stories above the ground. They're 20 feet off the ground, essentially. Hmm.

Probably a little higher. Unless it's like really low, 10 foot tall ceilings. Anthony's probably closer to like 26 feet. Okay. They're about 35 feet off the ground. There we go. I just wanted to know how dangerous it is. Because 20 feet, I'm like, is it broken bone territory? Like, it's dangerous how high it is. It is broken bone territory. If they take a bad spill, it is death. I'll do a parkour spin flip. We could solve the Nicholas problem really quick. Wow.

Oh, God. Can you imagine if Nicholas died and like Jody and like Glenn had to like deal with it together, like sharing their grief of this kid they both shared but didn't know? It's like a film. That's like a, this Sundance. Okay. Here it comes. Well, yeah, you go off and write that, sweetheart. Yeah.

Am I close enough to the bird to be able to leap to it from the ledge? I would assume yes. It would be a pretty intense leap because it would be an upward leap because the bird is sort of above you. You could leap onto the spider and then climb up to the bird. But if you want to try to leap directly onto the bird, you can. It'll just have to be a pretty dank acrobatics check. Jimmy, like Daryl will give you a boost or something. We could use something to make it easier, right? Yeah. Can we do a boost? That's great. Yeah. If Daryl gives you a boost, you'll get advantage for the role.

Okay, so I'm going to whip off my belt. Well, you have to ask if I'm going to boost you. Yeah, it's a consensual boost. Don't just assume. While whipping off my belt, I'm going to stare at Daryl and go, can you give me a boost? I go, go fuck yourself. No, of course I have boosts.

What would you do if when I went to boost him, I just threw you over? Oh my God. And I look at Glenn, I go, problem solved. Okay, okay, right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Of course, I'm not going to do any of that. Okay, yes, of course, Daryl's ready to save the kids. Daryl gets down in that, like, remember Army of Two, that super awesome game and when the co-op moves you could do is lift each other up? In that pose, that's the only way I know that pose. It's been 50 years.

So with my belt in one hand off to my side, I back up and I'm going to run towards Daryl's army of two pose, also known as just hands clasped together down over the knee. I am so upset that we made an army of two reference on this podcast. I quit. Not just one reference, Will. Okay.

And I'm going to jump and I'm going to attempt to grapple the bird and swing my belt around its neck to try and control its flight. Okay. I roll 24 athletics for my boost if that helps. I feel like that's what I would use. So I actually learned we don't have to do the thing where you guys roll to make the helping happen. You just help. And if I feel like it makes sense, it just happens because somebody pointed out mathematically, I'm not doing anything because two rolls to help somebody get two rolls is the same as just one roll in general. So we don't have to do that.

So you're going to have to roll, Jimmy, acrobatics with advantage because you're getting this boost from Daryl. I may only need one that rolled a 19 on my first roll. And per the rules, I rolled a 91 on my second one. Does that cancel it out? No, it doesn't at all. We just take the better one. So with a 19, you successfully launch off of Daryl. You soar through the air and you grab onto the feathery neck of this bird. It is going to take...

another roll of some sort to see if you can loop your belt around its neck. Okay. I'm going to roll a sleight of hand because I have a bonus, but also because I'm not actually trying to handle the animal. I'm trying to just like get this around it and like trick it basically when I smack into it through the thing. I would say that's definitely the handling of an animal. You were attempting to handle its movement. Well, I don't think Jody actually understands. And I think this is going to affect what happens. I don't think he understands what he's doing.

He just knows that he's getting on something and if he puts something around it. Just because you don't understand what you're doing doesn't mean you're not doing it. Ignorance of the law is not. I'm podcasting right now. Podcasting. Yeah, fuck it. Give me animal handling. All right, fine. I will roll animal handling. Fuck you, 18. Wow.

Jesus. Okay, so you successfully whooped this belt around the thing's neck and you're holding on to it really tight. It is going to have to deal with that on its turn, but it's still holding on to the spider and it's just like, Glenn from underneath goes fucking because I loosened it up for him.

All right. It is now Ron's turn. Ron, who's like not very visible on an ailing Henry's spider belly is like, okay, so really quick guys, what's the plan here? Are we trying to get out? And then I know that, I know that we were concerned about being shot. You're saying this while you're dangling. Yeah.

I think I'm going to hold my turn. So Ron is going to hold their turn. Daryl, it is now your turn. What's your clever boy plan? So whatever the race that I chose for Daryl, I have gotten spells. Wait, sorry. Fifty fucking three episodes into this shit and you're telling us you have spells. I think I got them like last level to be fair. Okay. Okay. I'm going to do Agri, which I'm going to call it. What would Frank do?

So I'm going to say that this is since I'm calling my father, I'm essentially thinking like, what would Frank do in this situation? Okay. I get to ask the DM the specific course of action that you plan to take within the next 30 minutes. The DM chooses from the following possible omens.

We all woe, we all unwoe or nothing. So good result, bad result, good and bad result. Results that are especially good or bad. So you're essentially supposed to tell us what you think the results will be from what we do next. So if you're asking me, how does Frank's spirit feel about the goal of climbing up out through the roof? Yeah, I'm like, Dad, this seems pretty dangerous, or should we just take that furnace? The Rock was a good movie, but it's pretty dangerous. We don't got Sean Connery. If you were here, I'd feel better about this. But what do you think? So Peyton turns to you and he's like, I'm right here, first of all.

It's not the same Peyton. Second of all, I think if we get up through the roof, like that might be okay, but A, they're going to shoot at us and B, unless we find a way to kill or befriend the stupid bird, it's going to probably like pick us all off one by one. It doesn't look good either way. Let me put it that way, my friends. I want to leap across

a little bit of the gap. So like, you know, I'm going to leap from the balcony and land on the other side. And I'm trying to grab whatever bit of the poop web that is out from Henry. It's just a web, man. And then I want to do the helicopter from the Matrix. I want Henry to let go and I'm going to wrap the web around me and hang on so that they drop down and dangle, you know, like six feet above the ground. You can certainly get in position for that, but somebody's going to have to make that bird let go because the bird's talents are what is keeping Henry there.

So Ron's up there. Can't Ron do something? Maybe Ron tickle that bird or something just in time so that we can plan this. That's the most like, all right, so I'm going to do this fucking cool-ass Matrix-ass bullshit. I'm going to hold a bunch of people. It's going to look super fucking cool. Beth, I guess you can tickle a bird. I don't know.

Or stabbing. You figure it out. I know what I'm doing. You guys know what I like to do. I'm more about tickling birds than... Right, right, right. I don't think would be like against the idea of dropping this thing to its death. It's not like the bird's like, oh, they're getting free. This plan makes sense. Ron, are you okay with that plan? I am. I mean, I am.

All right. So, Daryl, you go first. Do your acrobatics. Check to see if you can leap through and grab that rope. After Jody ran and leaped off, Daryl's inspired by this and also by talking to his dad. And he goes, Army of Two. Now it's time for Army of One. And I step back. No one said Army of Two in character.

Daryl loves this game. Daryl. So am I doing athletics? This is athletics, right? Because I'm just leaping. It's acrobatics because it involves leaping. Oh, 19 plus one. You see it. I see it. You describe it. I leap and I grab onto the web and I swing across the web like a fucking Indiana Jones. I land on the other side and then I wrap it around my forearm. I go, Ron, leap.

Let him drop the spider. Ron, let him drop the spider. Love that quote.

Bro, have you listened to this podcast called Dungeons and Daddies? It's got like the best lines. Like it's kind of an action podcast sometimes. It's like, dude, this last episode had this really cool. I get it. I'm ugly and I'm not good at one line. It's not about Spider-Man 2 where they're pushing Tobey Maguire back. They're like, careful, careful. Don't let him drop the, with the, drop the spider. Don't drop that.

Here's a fun fact you might not have known. Since this whole thing is a big reference to The Rock, we actually got Quentin Tarantino and Aaron Sorkin to punch up Matt's dialogue, but that's what they came up with. Wow. Okay, so... Okay. Run.

Is going... Is he going to drop that spider? I'm going to try. Drop the deuce, Ron. Come on. Okay. Ron is going to sort of slither his arms beneath the talons of the bird and then hunch up so that his Wolverine... Oh, yeah. Wolverine cosplay paper shredder go right into the bottoms of his feetsies. Okay, so you can make an attack roll. You can roll sleight of hand. It's up to you. I like the idea of rolling sleight of hand. Like, you stab somebody in the chest and you go, sleight of hand. Okay.

Yay, I got a 24. Ooh! Yes. All right, describe what happens next. Okay. Ron's hands are like the sentient versions of the nail from A Quiet Place, like right up into his footsies. Wow. And that's what happens. That's great. So the rock goes...

And let's go. God, what a voice. Let's go, View. And the spider, along with the two children and Ron, falls toward the ground. So, Daryl, give me a strength save. That's what Daryl's here for. Let's go, Daryl. That's what he's good at. And I got advantage on my strength. Seven. Six and then seven. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Okay, I have a thought of what happens if I don't get good bardic inspiration. So, I roll a d10 now. One d10, yeah, to add to it.

Before you roll, I'm going to tell you what you're going to try to beat. So I can't. I'm not going to cheese this. You have to beat a 15. And you have a seven. So you need an eight or higher. Oh, my God. 30%. It's a 30% chance here. I'm nervous. Sorry. I actually selected 10 D10s. That's how nervous you are. That might be good. Yeah. I got an eight.

Shut up. Oh, my God. I hear Glenn's beautiful voice in my head. Like, it's about to rip off my arm. And then I just hear Glenn's rock and roll music in my heart. And I just think about the Predator and the high fives he wouldn't get with his son if I dropped Nicholas right now.

And I hang on tight. All right, awesome. So Henry and the kids, you manage to hold on to him, stop their hard landing, and they are basically just dangling like a foot above the ground now. So Henry can, at whatever point, just dislodge the web and they'll just be on the ground. Okay. So now it's your turn, Henry. All right, Henry is going to de-spider to dislodge from the spider. So I turn back into Henry and I go, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

The moment he drops and his weight gets off my arm, I also go, ow! Ow, ow! When Ron steps off of Henry's spider, he tries to do the retracting the claws, but obviously they're just on his knuckles. So he just says, like, snicked out loud because that's what it is in the comic books.

Glenn and Jody are both on the rock, the big bird. Goddamn right we are. Dads of a feather flock together. Glenn is holding on to the tufts of feathers in the front of the bird. Jody is on the back with the belt around its neck. Daryl, you're holding on to this web that on the second floor and on the ground floor, the spider, Henry, Ron, and...

And the two kids are basically dangling one foot above the floor. Henry is going to say, oh, thanks, Daryl. Oh, give me a second. Jeez Louise. And then I'm just going to cast cure wounds on myself at the fifth level because I have no health left. Great. I got 27 health back. Glenn, it is your turn. Okay, so I look down and I see that they've dropped and I look up and I see Jody doing the thing I wanted to do in the first place.

And I shout out to Jody. I'm like, get this thing under control. I'm working on it. I'm going to try and climb up and also get into like a straddle like position as well. You want to get into a competing animal handling position? Yes, exactly. I want a competing animal handling position. Is he behind or are you in front of me? Big spoon or little spoon? Or are you facing me? Yeah. Don't fall for it. It's a trap. I feel like it should be a 50-50 roll if you end up behind him or in front of him facing him. So do an acrobatics roll first of all to see if you succeed or not. And then we'll do the 50-50.

Nine plus eight, 17. Okay, so that succeeds. So now roll any dice you want. If it's even, you're going to be in front of Jody. If it's odds, you're going to be behind Jody. Roll the d20, which gives me a 17. That's an odd. So you're behind Jody. Jody is now embraced in your asymmetrical but very strong grip. And Jody, you feel so safe, but only on the left side. Damn. What? I need to know more about this. Now that you're there, what do you want to do, Glenn? I want to try an animal handle because he's got the belt around the neck, right? Yes, yes. You can still...

You could, like, ghost it and, like, put your hands over Jodie's hands on the belt and, like...

Is there an animal handling check? Is there like a world where it has like a leash on it? What if the rat is controlling you that's controlling the animal? An animal handling check I feel like would allow you to certainly exert enough force that it feels like you've got it at a disadvantage and it could probably either follow very simple instructions because it's scared you're going to strangle it or it will try to like buck you off if you're unsuccessful.

But it's not gonna be like "be your friend" or anything. Guys, what's the end goal? I just wanna make sure we're on the same page. I wanna have control of this bird so that we can use it to either get out or I can pick you guys up or whatever. Alright, so roll Animal Handling. 8+1, 9. And I go to Jodie, I'm like "let me show you how this shit's done!" You do it even weaker than Jodie did as he tried to pull the belt taut against this thing. And the bird just bucks back and forth. It is now the bird's turn. It is going to try to shake you off of its back.

So both of you roll dexterity saves to see if you can stay holding on to this thing. Nine plus eight, 17. That'll do it. You managed to stay on. Yes, yes, yes. Well, I got two natural 20s in a row. Oh my God. Are you fucking kidding me? Have I been able to outroll Jody once so far? No, I don't think so. I think literally not once.

So I feel like Glenn is like, and it's like holding on to like, make sure he stays. And then Jody like has a sense of like, Oh, was he, was he, I didn't even feel he was moving. Oh my God. It's all in the hips, huh? Yeah. You just see me jockeying. Okay. So it noticed it could not swing you off. So it's going to flap its wings and then like try to slam its own back into the wall.

to try to squish you. I'm the one behind you. I'm going to be the one taking the brunt of this. Yeah. Luckily, I'm in armor, though. All right. So it only rolls 14. That doesn't beat your armor, does it? No, it does not. So it like goes back and tries to crunch you against the wall. But your armor absorbs a lot of the blow, although I feel like it's still squishing your armored hard body against its body, which means that Jody should still probably have to move

my body right you'd probably still get the wind knocked out of you 14 beats my AC but I don't know if it changes because it's going through Glenn no I'd say it's like you know those Newton's cradles yeah you see the momentum transfers through hard objects all the way to the end so absolutely so it rolled very badly so you only take 7 damage Jody as you're crushed against this bird and that was his whole turn and I whisper in your ear it's only because I absorbed some of that damage for you

All right, Jodi, it is now your turn. Okay, so I am going to do the exact same thing Glenn did, but better. Oh my God. So what's the roll here? Animal handling. Oh boy, this is going to be a while. Okay, I got 17. Okay, so with the 17, you pull that belt taut. You can feel the bird's back straighten. It realizes you are in control and you're not getting off of its back anytime soon. Okay, I'm going to whisper in its ear.

I'm your daddy. The horniest podcast. Sorry, what did you whisper? What did you whisper to me? I'm your daddy. Okay. That changes Jody's character so much. I literally don't know what to do with Jody anymore. Hey, he's feeling it, man. He's been having some real dad issues internally ever since Glenn came up here and said that he was somehow Nicholas's dad. Yeah, I guess, yeah. And he needs to maintain a little bit of control here mentally.

So the bird, which as far as we can tell, probably doesn't speak English. It doesn't understand the words you're saying. Animals understand tone. So it thinks you want to have sex with it. It knows that there is something going on. It's not going to fuck with you. It might fuck you. It basically sort of goes like, oh, and then tries to land on the second floor of the prison because it's not sure where you want, but it has a feeling it might want you to let it off.

They might want you to let yourself off. Jimmy, you should see if Sly Sylvester can speak to animals. Yeah, I don't know where Sly went. Yeah, go ahead and roll perception. To see if Sly's around. Roll a 10. You don't see Sly Sylvester, but you could hear from beneath you grabbing onto the undercarriage of the bird. You could hear Sly Sylvester's voice going, don't screw this up for me. Don't, it was about to fly out. I'm downhill right by the butt. Nobody can see me when I'm by the butt.

You're ruining it! I yell to Sly. It's a bad idea to fly out. Sly, can you talk to this thing? Of course I can! Well, tell it that we'll give it all kinds of rewards if it gets us out of here. I didn't want it to know I was here when it would... Oh, you got... You ruined everything! Okay, okay. Squash!

And are you lying when you say we're going to give it rewards? Are you telling the truth? We're telling the truth. We'll reward this bird handsomely for getting us the fuck out of here. Okay, so hit me with a persuasion check. What I'm going to do is I'm going to make the check for it a higher difficulty than normal because it's being filtered to the bird through slime. But you're still the person making the argument. He's the translator. You have to beat a 17. Dang, so you're saying I have to roll higher than a three while I did. So six was 1420. Oh my God. The bird goes...

And it like narrows its eyes. Sly goes, I think it might be receptive to the idea, but we're going to have to move quickly. Like how many people are we going to have to take out of heel? So two children, a Ron, a Daryl, and a Henry. According to this website of rock, rock can carry 7,000 pounds. Okay. I guess your mom's out of the question then. Holy shit.

Holy shit. Oh my god. So the bird goes, and then Sly Sylvester says back to you, it thinks that it's going to be in a lot of trouble if it seemed to be hobbling a bunch of fugitives out of here. They'll probably hunt it down and kill it or something like that. If you basically find a way to convince it even further, I'm not going to let you do this with just one successful check is what I'm saying. I'm going to say,

You get us out of here and we will reward you with riches beyond your wildest dreams and we will protect you because we're the baddest asses in this whole land. All right. Ever heard of books? Got a whole cast. Yeah.

It's the perfect bedding. Freddie rolled a favor with advantage because Ron said, have you ever heard of books? Daryl's like, finally, somebody fucking cares about a castle and it's a bird. So I rolled a one on the first one. You rolled a one. On the first one, but I have advantage, right? Yes, thank God for Ron. Okay, so I have 10 plus 14, 24. Holy shit, Ron, you saved my ass. Wow. You hear the bird say its first word in English as it goes, birds. And it leaps down onto the ground floor.

And turns into the library. And extends a wing to the rest of the group. So Daryl looks at the rope burn on his arm. He's like, oh, okay, so are we going back up? We're not going down? LAUGHTER

Okay, well, just come pick me up on the way up. I'm right here. I'm on the second floor still. So just whenever, just come get me. I assume everybody piles onto the bird. The bird comes up to you, extends its wing to you. Daryl, you climb aboard. It flies upward. The ballistas see that it's flying upward with a bunch of people on it because there's been an alert because somebody specifically said Glenn Close is around. So all the ballistas are on alert and stuff like that. They are going to make three shots at this bird before you reach an altitude such that it can't hit you anymore. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Sorry. Can I cast Conjure Animals? Okay. Ooh.

And here's what I want to do. I want to conjure a decoy bird. Okay, cool. How many animals can you conjure? I can do two beasts of challenge rating, one or lower. I'll get the head of vermin and put some bats out there. Yeah, just some chaff, you know? Let me explain. Okay, that's fine. So what the guards see then is they see a massive bird that's got seven people on it and then two very small birds and then two very small bats. Three bats. It's a giant vulture. It's how big?

as a giant vulture. The rock is 20 foot by 20 foot. It's a gargantuan-sized animal. It carries 7,000 pounds. It's like a dragon. So, almost indiscernible from random bits of dust that had been swept off of the rock as it exited the tunnel, essentially. But I'll say that you've increased the creature's AC by one with all that distraction. As we go out, I would like to cast... This is the stupidest thing I've ever thought of in my life. The ballistic guy's like, which one do I shoot? Dino-on-dono?

Or the one with all the people on it. What the fuck was I thinking? I'd like to cast, if I could, Anthony, on my way out, I'd like to cast Hypnotic Pattern. Okay. So the idea here is that as I'm going out, I assume that these ballistas are manned by people. They are. So on my way, I have one last set of Roman candles, like bootleg fireworks. So I'm going to try and shoot them off the birds.

It's going to be a hypnotic pattern that swirls inside the 30-foot cube. Every creature who sees the pattern needs to make a wisdom saving throw. So if they don't, they're charmed. Okay, so there's three ballista. One of them, one of the guards saved. One of them, both guards saved. And the third one, one guard saved. So what I'm going to do is the ones where only one of the guards saved, I'm going to have them fire at disadvantage. And the other ones are going to fire normally. First, a ballista is going to shoot at you with disadvantage.

It got a 20 and a 1. So a natural 1 malfunctions the ballista and it just like shatters. Oh, you know what it is? It's not designed to be aimed back and up like that. So it causes a malfunction on it. That's great. The second ballista is going to fire at you. It gets a 17, which is higher than the AC of the bird. So the bird is going to take 56 damage. 56? Last one is going to roll to disadvantage and it gets an 18.

So the bird itself takes 92 damage as two massive ballista bolts just into its body. One of the ballista bolts hits Sly Sylvester. Sly Sylvester is turned into goo. Sly Sylvester is just gone. Sly! Sly! Immediately. Snaps, Anthony. Snaps. We warned him. We did warn him. The other ballista is going to go through the stomach of the bird and...

I'm going to roll. So how many of you are on the spurt? We're going to roll a basically see if any of you get Nick Payton and the five of us. I have danger sense. OK, you know, you play enough sports. You got that sense when a ball's about to hit you in the back of the head or whatever. So you got my right. We've learned about Daryl.

I have advantage on dexterity saving throws against effects that you can see while not blind death. Essentially, if... Okay. Yeah. So there's 70 of you, so I rolled a D7 basically and assigned each of you a number. So I got a three, which means I've rolled that the bolt is going to come out on the other side and impale Ron.

So I feel like I'm very dexterous as well. So I feel like I could have fucking done something. I mean, you can definitely sense that this thing is coming at you, Ron. So Ron, you can roll a dexterity save. What Daryl would like to do since he senses the danger, I think he was tracking like a catch. Like you can track the path of a flying object. So Daryl's watching this thing and he sees this going towards Ron. So he'd also like to dive to help Ron. You'll give Ron advantage. Okay.

Nice. I got a 17. You barely managed to dodge out of the way as the sharp pointy end of this bolt exits through the back of this rock. So the bird is like, and keeps flying up into the sky. It eventually gets very cold. You could feel that you were high above, like all your cares. The world looks so small from up here. If only we could all get along. Our ears pop. Everybody chew. Keep chewing. You feel yourself descending far away from the Meth Bay Correctional Facility. While it's up here, it sees a castle up

seemingly made of books with books on the parapets. It feels like the bridge coming out of it is like an open hardcover book. We did tell him about the books. It goes, books.

yes yours buddy that's yours now and it lands right outside books castle and it goes brooks like in a questioning tone yeah it's yours well i guess in those books now yours yeah it's his and i put a comforting hand on this bird and i go yes my friend books and i turned the group i say and to be clear this was we we we escaped because of me not him

I did this. This was my plan and it went perfectly. Right? Right, Nick? It's Nicholas, first of all. Oh, fuck.

And second of all, I saw my dad pull the belt around the neck of the creature. So once again, I don't know why you're inserting yourself into a conversation between my father and I. I think we can all agree it was a team effort and we did a great job as a team. Let's all put hands in the middle. Oh, I love that. Daryl puts his hand out. So yeah, we're here. We're out of prison.

Let's take five. We're here at, I guess this is book castle. This is pretty cool. Why is Glenn keep saying he's my dad? Daryl just quietly to himself since he said team effort, but everybody ignored him. He just goes doodlers and he just, I'm saying I'm your dad because you're my son.

why does it feel like everyone's looking at me? Like I've gone crazy. What's happened here? You haven't gone crazy, gone crazy. How many years did you spend in there? Nick is not your son. Nicholas, please. My son is the only reason I was able to last as long as I did out there. And now I'm coming out here and I'm finding out that something's going on here and you guys are doing some kind of prank or I don't like it. Okay. I'm going to take a shot at this. Uh,

And I'm going to, it's time to rip the bandaid off. I think there are some books about like family therapy in the castle or something. Just if you need, no, that's not a Ron thing. That's a Beth thing. You could tell Glennon, maybe I can take Jody aside and explain to him. I'm just wondering if.

Oh, you do your way. I'm just not sure if it seems like a lot of poor Nicholas is right here. I'm not going anywhere. I need explanations. This is creepy. I don't feel like we should be hanging out with this Glenn guy if he's gone this weird after being in the clink. Whatever you can tell my dad, you can tell me. All right. My dad, Jody. What did you guys do with my son? So here's what happened, Glenn. OK, Jody. Oh, boy, I'm getting stressed out. I'm just going to just give me 10 seconds to do a quick breath and then I'll be right with you, boys. OK. All right.

Hey, I'm just going to whisper a little bit just because I feel like that might keep us all a little lower temperature for what I'm about to say. When we took Glenn to trial, it wasn't because he was a bad friend. It's because he was a bad dad to Nick.

And then when he got just in line, I know you're confused, but let me finish. When he got found guilty of being a bad dad, the sentence was that Nick would no longer be your son. And then when we came back from the trial, Jody, you were like just there. And Nick was like Nicholas. Now we knew we had to get Glenn out and we all knew this moment was coming. We were going to have to deal with this. I know it's a pretty rowdy situation. And so now, uh,

I've told you and this is now your family business. So I'm going to back away. Yeah, Jody, from our point of view, we just met you when we first came back from the trial. I think we did a pretty good job of acting like we knew you, though. But then, Nick, what do you remember? Nicholas turns to Jody and he says, Dad, I think they all died.

They're all under a spell or this is a trick or they're all body. This is a really creepy. Maybe plan Foxtrot Bravo and he takes a cylinder out from his pocket and you can see Jody that it is a flashbang that you gave to him a long time ago for massive emergencies. I'm going to look at him and I'm just going to go be brave, son. I'm going to look to the group and go, guys, I don't know what is happening right now, but I feel like.

I think there's something seriously wrong with all of you. And I don't know what happened at the courthouse, but none of what you're saying makes any sense. And I'm going to grab the Foxtrot Bravo from Nicholas's hand, and I'm going to chuck it on the ground while turning Nicholas away, and we're going to bolt it for Book's Castle as I throw it. The flashbang explodes. Everybody give me a constitution saving throw. 11 plus 1, 12. I got a natural 1.

Oh, no. I got a 20. 17 plus 3. I have 14. Okay. Everyone except for Daryl, you are blinded and stunned. The sheer noise of it. You don't even know where you are. You're so disoriented. Even this flashbang going off. Could I have hugged Payton to protect him? Oh, yeah. That's very cute. And then also Payton will see. He'll be like, be our eyes, Payton. Ha ha ha ha.

So I'm hugging Peyton to protect him. Yeah, Peyton's completely ensconced in the little cavern of man flesh that surrounds him. He's the only one that sees that as the flashbang explodes, Nicholas and Jody run across the drawbridge leading into Book's castle. And just for a moment, Nicholas looks back over his shoulder and with a look of concern and confusion and a little bit of fear, you can see him look just at Glenn Close.

before he turns back and they keep running and they disappear into the dark recesses of book castle it's gonna be all right

It's just Dave.

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Follow us on Twitter, Dungeons and Dads, reddit.com, slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Thank you so much for listening. Our next episode comes out to March 23rd. We will see you then. Okay, now I don't want to even take a turn. I want Beth to go because I'm nervous. Freddie's back. Guys, what am I supposed to do? My time is up.

I'm going to die soon. I know something's going to happen. TikTok, TikTok, Jimmy. Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, Summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay, so like, you know, in Dune, they have the Box of Pain. That's like the opposite.

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