Ep. 54 - A Game of Tomes
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That's BlueNile.com. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. We now return you to our feature presentation.

Tell me what happened. I told you exactly what happened. They put you in the meth-based supermax, we slapped some people around, us dads straighten it out, and it's all over. I'm telling you now, if I hear anything, I swear on Santa Claus, Joey, I'm gonna kill somebody. Well, go ahead and kill everybody. You're a tough guy. Go kill people. Kill Willie, kill Barry, kill Dennis Anderson, kill

Kill me while you're at it, what do I care? You're killing yourself the way you're working out. You unbalanced moron, look at you. Look at your left arm. - What do you mean? I don't understand. What do you mean kill you? - Kill me, start here. Kill me first.

Do me a favor because you're driving me crazy. You're a killer, you're a big shot, just kill. You're a killer. Excuse me, what do you mean by you though? So? What does that mean? Jolie, that meant something. You mentioned Willie, you mentioned Dennis, you mentioned you. You included you with them. You could have said anybody, but you said you and them. You really let prison ruin your life. Look at you. You know how flippin' nuts you are? Look what it did to you. You raised my son? What? You raised my son? How could you ask me that question?

How could you ask me that? I'm a dad. You ask me that? Just tell me. I'm not going to answer that. It's stupid. You gave me all these answers, but you didn't give me the right answer. I'm going to ask you again. Did you or did you not? That's a sick question, and I'm not going to answer it. I'm leaving. If Morgan calls me, tell her me and Nicholas are going into Book Castle.

You're a sick bastard. I feel sorry for you. I really do. You know what you should do? Try a little more fathering and a little less getting small so you won't have problems at home and you don't pick on me and my boy Nicholas. You understand me, you freaking wacko? You're cracking up. You know what this is? This is a flashbang. I'm leaving. Freaking screwball.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, a Mulan fan cast.

Oh, no, not a BDSM podcast. A Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Let's get down to business. What I love is the longer this podcast goes on and the farther away you listen to this episode, the weirder that intro is going to be. Like, nobody's going to remember Jimmy was in Mulan in like five years. So it's like, wait, why are they doing a Mulan podcast? Dang, brutal, dude. Nobody's going to remember that that one episode where I just got in a visit line and talked like a fucking freak. Yeah.

Warning everybody, Beth is very cute now, and you're just going to have to sort of deal with that. You have to deal with it. Beth is now playing all the children characters. This is the Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into a land of high fantasy and magic in a search for their lost sons. Along with their cool friend, Glenn. Featuring Glenn Close. I'm the man featured there. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard dad of the group.

God, I realize I came in with all full head of steam and I didn't have a really a dad. Unfortunately, you need each other. Your brother's not around. You don't need to stunt on him. He ran into a gunfight and realized you didn't have any ammo. What's going on? Here's Glenn's dad fact. He used to read books to Nick as a kid.

Like, he was reading bedtime stories. Mostly it was rock and roll biographies. You know, like that Motley Crue one. Patti Smith. Yeah, exactly. All of those rock and roll. You read him the Motley Crue. You read Nick the Dirt.

When he was a kid? I mean, I sanitized it. That might be the worst thing your character's done. No, no, I sanitized it. All right, Patreon stretch goal. I want an audio recording of Glenn reading the dirt to Nick and then having to improvise whatever the sanitized kid-friendly version is off the dome. They took 16 friends up to their playroom and they played Call of Duty. And they snorted and...

M&M's. When the cops came, they played Call of Duty 2. They all had fun. Afterward for me was a blur of fizzy drinks, fun powder, interviews, and women. That's the darkest one. The hesitation before women. Yeah.

Hey, everybody. This is IRL Dad Matt RP. Here's the thing. When you sanitize the dirt, it's actually about as long as reading Goodnight Moon. You know what I mean? It's like you're basically reading the Wikipedia article for Motley Crue at that point. He goes through the whole book every night. There's a lot of pages. Like...

Nick grew up being like, do books just like not have like, because you flip through like 40 pages like, whoa, no, none of this, none of this, none of this, let's go on. Redacted, redacted, redacted. Sorry, Matt, you were saying? Hey everybody, this is IRL dad Matt Arnold, RPing fictional dad Daryl Wilson. Daryl's a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms.

I want to go more into Daryl's domestic life. So I thought I would talk about chores. Since that's most of Daryl's day. Daryl organizes his chores into three categories. And they are bores, snores, and scores. So what he does is...

The snores are the ones he can just do while sleeping. Those are the ones he saves for the end of the day when he's getting tired. Those are like folding laundry and whatnot. The bores are the tough ones. Those are the ones he does not want to do. Cleaning the bathtub. Dishes, cleaning the bathtub. That's the stuff he puts at the top of the day. The scores are like the little rewards to himself. Mowing the lawn, all the stuff he likes to do. Eating Charleston chews. Eating Charleston chews. His chore is masturbating in the shower. Masturbating in the shower.

He does a little check mark. They're like, whoa, lost scoring going on today. He's like, yeah, it was a busy day. No, that's it. That's all. It's just he's got. Yeah, I like that system. Yeah, it's good. That's very awesome. Yeah. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos, professional podcaster and official voice of Henry Oak, the fictional hippie, crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock rock and hippie nature druid dad on this podcast, Dungeons and Daddies.

Here's my Henry fact this week. Since I wanted to do a book theme one like Freddy because, you know, we're going to book castle. As we've established in the fiction of this universe, Henry's favorite type of book is trees because every tree tells a story and they're all unique. Henry's second favorite type of book is books about trees. I knew it.

Boy, howdy does he love trees. And there's nothing better than reading your second favorite book while leaning up underneath your first favorite book, a tree. Dude, that's fucked up, dude, because books are made of trees. That's true. That's why it's so amazing. There's so much tree book synergy in the world when you're reading a tree book under a tree. You know, it's like, how does Henry feel about the giving tree?

Yeah. The Giving Tree. Didn't you talk about The Giving Tree once? I've never read The Giving Tree, but I feel like Henry... No, you did this. You sent us The Giving Tree and we all realized that you hadn't read The Giving Tree. Oh, okay. It was like, no, Henry would not like The Giving Tree. I will say that The Giving Tree is like, I don't know, codependence to a T, but a tree, you know? Yeah. Let me say that again because it's so funny. I might as well end up in the podcast. I will say...

I will say that the giving tree is actually just like if you look up codependent in the dictionary, that's what you see is the giving tree. This is a really funny joke, by the way.

I like your first telling of it. Yeah. Or AB testing it. A is the better option. I feel like the, the, every tree has a story is one of those things that like people in museums say or whatever. It's just like, if you said that in a forest to your kids, you'd be like, yeah, I love trees. Cause every tree has got a story. Your kids would be like, say one and then say another one. Dad, tell me two different stories that these trees tell and they better be good. And it's like, nope.

I like a challenge. I like a challenge. Once upon a time, there was an acorn and the acorn got, you know, it grew into a big, beautiful tree straight to the third act. And it lived happily ever after.

Now, here's a second fun story. This is about a tree that was in the forest as well. And it was a tree that loved being in the forest. And then two mean little boys named Lark and Sparrow came along and carved Boner Fart 69 420 into the tree. And the tree didn't like that very much. And it got sad. And it was, you know, it still loved the boys. But it was like, oh, geez, why'd you do that? And it hurt a lot. But then it eventually grew over it. And, you know, but the boys still shouldn't have done that at the end. There you go. What do you want from me, Matt?

Daryl's adding Henry's tree stories to the bore category of his chore section. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron... Oh, no. Oh, no. Get a running start. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. I'm Beth May, orthodontic superstar. Oh, no.

Beth pulling this voice out on the podcast is like, she's running a marathon. She's already like a mile ahead of everybody. And everybody's like, you can just slow down and have a good time. Like just wave to the audience. And she just like doubles. She's like, no, no, no. I'm questioning everybody. She's podcasting like I'm not left-handed either. Yes.

I am left-handed. I'm saying that your voice is just even funnier. I got Invisalign a few days ago. Fun fact about Ron this week is that upon seeing Jody and Nicholas disappear into the book castle, Ron was simultaneously hit with an urge to say something witty that might, you know, end the episode on a real zinger or something like that. And so shocked that his jaw fell open.

But when both those happened at the same time, he bit his little tongue like real hard. And so he might not be talking so good this episode. I'm rooting for Ron in a way that I never have before. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. Last episode's a special Anthony fact. It was a wreck me daddy where I talked about a puzzle that I started and I finished the puzzle and the puzzle was great. It was a delight. They're called magic puzzles. You can find them on Amazon. And they came in the back of it.

a box of three or a pack of three. And I was like, all right, week two time to tuck into another delightful puzzle. Just me and my thoughts and a thousand random pieces that I can assemble to make it seem like the world has order. And I,

I've dumped them all out and started turning them over. And then I realized that the real twist ending at the end of the puzzle is that I'm old and my back is bad. And I am now too infirm to do puzzles because you have to lean over. So I took the oldest man possible thing. And I'm too much of an old man to do it now. No, you got to get one of those like drafting tables. Yep. That's how the puzzle pros do it. Yeah. No, serious. That's a real thing. Yeah. The,

Hardcore puzzlers, no. Yeah, I'm just not that hardcore. Or you just gotta get a nephew that you can be like, hey, give me that piece across the table over there and just stay seated. That's what I would do. When Dot becomes of age, I will enlist her as my puzzle squire. Yeah, you just stay seated and have the kids pick them up. My mom does puzzles all the time. That's usually the thing as a kid. She's like, I think the quarter piece is over there, Mackle kid. Ha ha ha.

So when we last left you all, you had just escaped the Meth Bay Correctional Facility. Congratulations. Yay! You had landed the rock, the big old bird, outside of Book's Castle because you had promised that it would be able to keep Book's Castle because it likes books. We realized we couldn't afford Jimmy anymore. That Mulan money finally came in. Those residuals. Yeah. You decided to explain to Jodi and Nicholas reality as you perceived it, which is that Jodi didn't exist until you left the courthouse and that Nicholas used to be Glenn's son, not Jodi's.

Jody and Nicholas thinking that you'd been under the effect of some sort of spell or that something bad had happened. They produced a flashbang through it. The drawbridge is open. He ran inside with Nicholas and they both disappeared into the darkness of Book Castle and you cannot see them pass the doorway. I just want to point out that, you know, a flashbang is such a powerful concussive device. So I'll just go ahead. We'll join the scene mid-review.

Can you die from a flashbang? I can't. Fuck. I can't see. I can't see. What? Oh, my God. Oh, freaking ding, ding. I'm going to throw up. I think I bit my tongue. Oh, my God. Ron bit his tongue. Ow.

It's not that bad, guys. I don't know what your problem is. It's not a big deal. The reason it's not affecting you is because I held you. I'm pretty sure just because I'm very strong, but I'll take that, too. I mean, you are a strong boy, but... I powered through that flashbang.

Oh, jeez Louise. Dude, how's the bird, how's the rock reacting to a human flashbang from the LAPD or wherever the fuck? As we found out about two weeks too late, the rock is the size of a kaiju. Oh. It's like massively, massively massive. Remember I said it was 7,000 pounds. Oh, it's like Clifford.

Like Clifford the Big Red Dog is a kaiju. Yeah, it's a Clifford the Big Red Dog kind of situation in much the same way that you could not reasonably expect to loop a belt around Clifford the Big Red Dog's neck and bring him to heel. The rock is also probably too big for that, but we'll just go ahead and move on past that. It could be a little tiny rock. I mean, no, but it's your world. You explain how big it was. It's no job for an ordinary belt.

but an anti-belt. But an anti-belt, that's true. It's only because Jody did it that it worked because the impossible is possible when you believe. Jody's got a big elastic dad belt. Daryl puts his fingers around a belt loop on Peyton. I go, be my eyes, son. Run, run. Just find them. And I go, Peyton, go, go. Just chase after them. No problem. No problem. He starts running in a direction that is not toward the castle. He's like, what am I doing? Where am I going? I don't get it. I'm just momentum. I can't stop moving. I'm like a shark. Like a shark. You're going out

dr jody okay sure let's settle down for a second let's just take two minutes and let's come up with like a plan here let's just so they went into this place what do we really know about book castle this place seems like it could be pretty rowdy what do we really know about books what do we really know about books and also like what are we gonna do when we get in there you know like are we gonna beat them up like we still got like a two dad one son situation so like how do i handle this does nick really not

Think I'm his dad? Yeah, I, that's, yeah, man. Well, to be fair, we don't really think that he's your son. Yeah, no, I mean, to Ron's point, it's not like he just forgot. Like a different timeline. You remember Sliders, the show that Henry likes a lot? And then like, yeah, I definitely enjoy it too. Yeah, you know. Sliders. Sliders.

It seems like this is a completely different Nick. Like, it's not that he doesn't know that you're his dad. It's like he, Jody, is his dad forever. Well, then we shouldn't go after him. Then we should slide into another timeline or something or find another way to, what are we wasting time here for then? I mean, I guess that's one way to think about it. If that's not your son, I guess we could just ignore them. That's kind of up to you, Gladys. Yeah, fuck it. Let's just go deal with Willie.

Ron, your egg is still out there, right? Fuck it. Payton. What? Payton language. Payton. We're pretty loose on this, but can we just cut the F word just a little bit? Oh my God. I'm just being real. Father? No, the other F word, Ron. I can see how that would be a pretty bad F word right now. Things aren't looking great for the entirety of just fatherhood, especially when you got two dads that are fighting. Yeah.

Glenn, buddy, I wish there was something I could tell you that would make you feel better. I always thought I considered myself sort of the outsider, the rogue, no pun intended, of the group. Why was that a pun? There's this game, I'll tell you later. Um...

And I always thought that I was kind of the one on the outs. But then I realized that when you got a weird son that doesn't like you, then you're always on the outs. And so let's see, what am I trying to say here, Glenn? You're saying I'm like a stepdad?

To this other Nick now? That's exactly what I'm saying, buddy. Is that you're a stepdad now. But that's bullshit. You know what? That means that you can step up. That's true. I don't need to step up. I have stepped up. You're actually right. I didn't think that you were a bad dad. And I... I read to that kid. Yeah. I raised that kid. What?

what's all this supposed to mean then? Did that not happen? Look, we don't know what the deal is with new Nick slash Narcos, right? And like, it doesn't make sense to me that the law would be like, you're a bad dad. So we're just going to,

swap your son out with a difference. That's the first time Glenn heard the word narcolist. So he's like, my point is this could be a different Nick. This could be the same Nick and just with different memories, we got to go in there and figure out what's going on. So, you know, I know I was the one who was like, let's all stop and talk about it, but maybe you're right, Daryl. Maybe we should just, I mean, they're gone now, Henry. I was just, she's, oh, you're right. You know, I just, I'm so look before I leave. I'll stupid.

Stupid, stupid Henry. I'm sorry, guys. Hey, but it's all right. No, it's okay. We're all kind of stumbling on this. I feel like Glenn, for all the times he says the wrong thing, sometimes he does know the right thing to say. And so I feel kind of like I just can't really think of anything that will make you feel better, Glenn. Since we have stopped here for a moment, I do have to ask, Glenn, you're old now. What happened? You're...

I just realized, like, I'm just looking at you. Like, you look good, by the way. You look great. I hope I look as good as you do. Yeah. However old you are. Looking good. Yeah, you could be like my dad now. Silver five. I don't know why I said that. Let's not say anything we can't take back. Ho, ho, ho. He's still nothing to the P, though. But maybe you tell us your side of the story. We can get a little bit. At least, like, what happened? Like, what do you remember? While you guys do that, I'm going to heal our bird friend over here because he's looking pretty rough. And so while they're doing that, Anthony, I'd like to cast Cure Wounds on the bird. Delightful. I mean, I remember waking up in a cell.

It was pretty bad down there, guys. I'm going to be honest. I don't like to think about it too much. I was just sort of focused on getting out. And I also was focused on honing my body to be powerful and strong. So I was doing a lot of working out. Nick Jr.'s on your shoulder, like, nodding knowingly as you're saying that. This is Nick Jr. You're, like, halfway there, it looks like. I was stuck to a wall. Time was weird in there, man.

It felt like years past, even though I knew it was only moments. It looked like years past. It was strange. But in a cool way. Yeah, there was a lot of implications about time dilation, that if we poke at it too hard, it doesn't quite hold up under scrutiny, but let's just move on. That seems to be a thing in this world, that there's a sort of vague sense of stuff moves faster and slower than other stuff, but it kind of just...

changes willy-nilly depending on what's going on like how is it that we can maybe some people they major in creative writing maybe they don't major so much in theoretical physics maybe you know you got your air areas that you're good at your air that's good at you just sort of move on but how can we talk to our wives on the phone if it's going faster in their world than our man these are good questions these are great questions boy oh boy man i wonder what jody and nicholas are doing

I'm not the smartest guy, but I just always thought since like the time dilation stuff like doesn't actually happen. Anybody that says it wouldn't happen that way is kind of talking out of their ass. It's not a real thing that actually can happen. So like I think whatever the author says in the story sliders or whatever we're watching, I think that's what happened. I think it's fine. Like I don't think anybody can actually say it doesn't work that way because it doesn't exist. I don't really care. Anyway, it was jacked up. One of those guards poked my eye out.

Oh my God, you have one eye? I lift up my eye patch. He's like, yeah, check it out. That looks real manly. I can't see through this one. Nick Jr. covers his eyes.

yeah yeah there's no either i guess manliness comes with a cost sometimes it does right that's really good for sure that's like my situation now when that bird plucked my eye out like i think i'm a little nearsighted in my left eye like i think my you don't look as cool just stop all right all right fine you're right ron you know i've been nearsighted this whole time i lost my contacts like in the second episode i just oh my gosh you don't oh what what prescription are you

I don't know why I had 20-20 vision. I don't know why I'm asking that. Would the dads compare prescriptions? Oh my God. Let me try on your glasses. I'm like four. It's not a lot. I'm mostly doing reading glasses, but that's like, you know, if anytime I miss. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Henry, you got glasses on and you have 20-20 vision. Then what's the glasses?

What's the glasses for? Why do you have 2020 vision? What's the glasses for, Henry? Of course. That is the most on-brand thing. The glasses? Oh, well, you know, it's to block that blue light. Sure. You know, it's to block the... I wear them because I think it makes me look smart. All right, fine. Here, Daryl, you can have my glasses. There it is. There it is. The truth comes out. Oh, fine, fine. I can see perfectly. Well, ironically, I can't see perfectly. Well, now I have one slightly blurry eye. But, Daryl, try these. I mean, they're non-prescription, so it doesn't help at all. Oh, shit. But how do I look?

This is good. You look really good. Roll something to see how you look. Roll D20. I don't care what the stat is. I got a one. I throw them.

You throw my glasses? No, no, here's what it is. Daryl, as he lifts the glasses to his face, pokes his own eye with them, the arm. So now he has to take disadvantage on all sight-related checks. And then he goes, ah, and like crushes them in his hand on accident. Oh, jeez. I'm sorry. All right, well, you know. It's like at the end of that Twilight Zone episode. You're surrounded by books in your glasses. Oh, my God.

I had so much time now. Time enough at last. Okay, so I agree with Ron here. We should probably just go in. Real quick, this new guy, Jody. Real quick. What do you guys know about him? I got the sense that he was kind of...

That kind of sucked, honestly. But what do we know about him? Well, he's a law enforcement officer. I believe he... Oh, yeah. I had a feeling you were going to react that way. He is... I believe he's a highway patrolsman of some sort. Oh, my God. Really? Yeah. And so he seems like... I don't know. He kind of seems like the opposite of you in every way, although... So he must totally...

suck. I gotta be honest, giving your kid a flashbang kind of seems like something you would do too. He actually is kind of nice though. As far as I'm concerned, leaving a kid in the custody of someone who'd give him a flashbang, that's a kid in danger. We better get in there regardless of whatever happened to Nick if he's still in there. Hey, Glenn though, I'm really sorry about that your kid isn't

anymore. And I'm sorry that that happened to you. And Glenn pulls Ron into a hug and just holds it for a lot longer than you think it should be held. And Ron cries a little bit. Just a little bit. Ironically, Henry is completely missing all of this tender emotional dad stuff that would normally be his shit because he's just

super sad about his broken glasses and he's trying to look at his reflection in a nearby pool of water to see if he looks okay. But you still look great. No, you look good in glasses or without, man. And then reflection from Mulan plays. This is the ultimate Mulan fancast. You could always just put the frames on. But that, no, they're pretty broken too. Hey.

Henry's trying to do that when everyone else is hugging and he goes, ah, now forget it. And he throws him away. Delightful. Let's save this motherfucking kid. We've referred to kids as motherfucking now. That's pretty. I'm the one who has to watch my language. He just said motherfucking kid. Peyton, Peyton. If he was my son, I would tell him not to say that. Well, you're not my son. I don't know why I keep saying that. I'm sorry. I'm very confused. You're a dad. My sons are there. I know it's a lot. I thought I raised you better than this.

Even if we don't know if it's Nick or Narcolis or whatever it is, like we need him to do your anchor, right? We need like, I got your weed by the way. Can you take this? Can you take this from me, please? Glenn literally grabs the blunt. Like it's Alan Grant's glasses from fucking Jurassic Park. Like his hands are shaking as he like lifts it to his mouth and fucking it's like any light.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, no. Wait, wait. What? That blunt, it might not seem magic right now, but if you smoke that blunt, it means you're giving up all hope that it could become magic again, that your son is still out there. If you smoke that blunt, you're giving up everything, man. Glenn takes Henry's words into consideration, looks at it, and like...

closes his hand around this. Just like in my head, it's just like the most righteous Snoop Dogg-sized blunt ever. So it's literally like gripping a bottom of a baseball bat. Oh my God. You're right. You gotta remember, Daryl did roll the blunt, right? Yeah, I really remember. It's a terrible blunt. Yeah, he rolled it like a Chipotle burrito, right? Actually, that makes sense. Daryl rolled it like a baseball bat. He said, this is how much pot you smoke. The notion of waiting to smoke a blunt that is that poorly rolled is such an uproar.

hauling hot stuff. Just slowly falling apart in your pocket. You're building up to this great, oh, I can't wait to smoke this thing. And then it's built like a fucking scarf in a closet, like just unraveling.

So Daryl, when you reach into your pocket to get the blunt, you also pull out an item that you didn't have when you went into the jail. It must have fallen into your pockets when you were in the prison. It's never happened in my life before, but okay. Well, you've never been to prison before, so how do you know? Everything got sucked up to a gelatinous cube, right? So who knows, right? Yes. It might have fallen on the ground and some guard was like, I don't know, and then stuffed it in a pocket at random. That's how it happened. Okay. It's a piece of paper that at the very top of it, it says P&P Block and

this is a tax form. It's a magical tax form. Carol gets an erection. That gives Daryl an erection. It's a magical tax form that gives you advantage on intimidation and allows you to fill in what the person owes for taxes. So you can write in like pretty much anything and give it to somebody. And then you have advantage on intimidation. If you were specifically trying to intimidate them into feeling like, Hey, your past due on your taxes. And this is what we need to take as collection. Just like taxes in the real world. Yeah.

This is the final item that came from our super crazy elite tier one shots that I did with some of our patron. So this is the last one of those. Oh, cool. Hey, fellow dads. Some prisoner dropped a tax form in my pocket. Probably thought I could have helped them with it because I'm pretty good at the taxes, by the way. But yeah, I feel pretty good. I'm going to hang on to this. I'm a businessman. I have no need for taxes. Yeah.

How much do you think you owe, Ron? Because I could... No, I won't use it on you. It's all good. I'll put this back in my pocket. The power's gone to Daryl's head. We got to get the thing away from him. All right, guys. Look, it's a very confusing time for me right now. Decades past. You guys all seem to be the same for the most part. Henry, you look like a fucking dumbass without your glasses. Sorry. It's just the truth. Ouch, man. Jeez. But you know what? I know you're kind of smart anyway, so it's all good. Listen...

I don't know what's going on with that kid, but I don't like that Jody guy. And if there's any bit of Nick still in there, I got to get him back, man. Hell yeah, dude. Let's do it. Do you enter Silk Castle? Yes, we do. No. We talked for a while before.

I just rolled perception as I'm crossing. Books make Daryl nervous, so he's looking around. This definitely, for everybody else, this seems cool. He's like, no, this place is dangerous. Fucking books are full of sinful words, or who knows what's going on in here. Wow. So rolled a 17. So with a 17... Do I see anything as we cross the drawbridge? So as you cross the drawbridge, you're immediately hit with the smell of...

of a brand new book that sense when you open it up and it just smells a little bit new from the bookstore, the library. Like a Barnes and Noble smells like, I don't know what that smells like. Honestly, you've never like open a book and be like, ah, new book smell. I mean, it smells like Amazon packages for me at this point, to be honest. Oh, I'm sad. Sure. For you. Yeah.

The new book smells great. I don't know. Let me smell my new book that just came out. Yeah, let's... What does the Immortal Soul Salvage Yard smell like? Does it smell like quality? The Immortal Soul Salvage Yard available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Just click on the link in the description. Beth, what does that smell like? It doesn't really smell like anything. No, my copy smells like

and funny and... Smells like raw emotions. Raw emotions. As you cross the drawbridge, you can feel the book creek under you and the cover sort of slams shut vertically and the drawbridge closes behind you and the rock squawks like...

Like, thankful it's moving its wings a little bit more. The wounds on its chest have healed up because of the Cure Wounds spell. While I was healing the rock, I casted Speak with Animals and told him that, like, we gotta go check this place out and clear it out of bad guys so he doesn't get hurt. But then, you know, like, it's all his after we leave. Cool. He went, wait! That's the only syllable you'll ever hear from him. That's so weird. All right. All right.

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamint Mobile for details. So you enter Book Castle. You are assaulted with the smell of new books. Everything is instantly quiet in the same way that after a snowfall, the snow crystals absorb all the sound. It's got that sense of eerie quietude to it.

Your footsteps make a very soft echo throughout this massive chamber that you're in. The floor is like cobblestone, but instead of individual stones, it's like the covers of hardback books. It's novel stone. Nice. So yeah, it's novel stone as far as you can see, with the exception of in the center leading toward a door at the end of the chamber that you're in.

It's like a yellow brick road, but it's... Yellow book road? It's a yellow book road. Aw. It's basically a bunch of open books. So there's like paper pages you can stand on that represents the trail and the rest of it is just a bunch of... So you're saying like the path is marked by open books, but all of it is books. But all of it is books on the ground. I just want to yell in this quiet to be like, hey, Jody, you piece of shit, come out here and fight me one-on-one. So to your surprise...

Despite the fact that you're in a very cavernously large room with pillars that are also made of books just going up 10 stories, your voice doesn't echo at all. Oh, great acoustics in here. We should record a podcast in here. Daryl wants to roll for investigation to see if there's any Tom Clancy books. Okay. As a Catholic, Daryl has advantage on checking for books to get mad at me.

He got an 18. Is there any... So, with an 18, you can sense, actually, that just under your left foot is an original first edition hardback copy with no dust jacket of The Sum of All Fears. Ooh, Daryl Benson's like, oh, this is a good... Sum of All Fears. This is a good one. Daryl, wait! And Henry shoots a handout. He goes, Tom Clancy sucks. What? What?

Yeah, man. Jingoistic much? Jeez, these books are super whack. You should read something more like, you know, Ursula K. Le Guin. I cast about for an Ursula K. Le Guin book. Okay, go ahead and roll. Daryl leans over to Ryan's like, what's Jingo? I don't know. Oh, it's those jeans. Daryl says big baggy jeans that was really popular in the 90s. I would not be caught dead wearing those baggy jeans. I don't know what Henry's talking about. He's like a khaki and polo kind of guy, if you know what I mean. I rolled a 26, Anthony. Wow.

Okay, so yeah, there's a first edition of Left Hand of Darkness, hardback, right underneath your foot. I go, here you go. This is like the Rainbow Six of fantasy novels. Ooh.

I was going to do a little book club here. I'll give you some of all fears and I'll read your you said this like Rainbow Six. Rainbow Six is a good one, too. I'll take your book. I'm going to see if that author Jinko has any more books about maybe getting pants back on after maybe you've got a curse or something that you can't wear pants anymore. So if Jinko wrote a book, a how to, I think that would be a really valuable tool. Cool. Go ahead and roll. You know what? That's a great idea. I'm going to help you look for that, Ron. So Ron now has advantage on this.

Because I want this to happen more than anything. Andy, put us in a room full of books. We're going to spend the entire episode just sticking to all the different books. Well, I got 21. 21! Okay, so with the 21, you see embedded in one of the nearby pillars, you just see the spine, but it says, Removal of Pants Curses by J.NCO. John, non-commissioned officer. Yeah, I do. I take it and open it. Okay, so it's like a 300-page book, and you open it, and on the first page, it just says, You can't, and the rest of the pages are blank. Oh!

Oh, no! Oh, hey. Oh, no!

I want to say what Daryl noticed with his 17 perception. So as you walked in, you saw four humanoid skeletons surrounding the skeleton of a dead goblin with his hands cupped together. Like you've seen them used to be a microphone back in the Red Brands. And you could tell with your 17 roll of perception that they were killed by fedora cuts. Oh man, it was a poetry reading. Oh God. Oh God.

Oh, guys, I don't know how I know this, but those aren't sword cuts. I think those are from a fedora. I think it's our main enemy. Well, actually is here. Oh, my gosh. That's my guess. Or odd job. Man, that's a good bond. And Tom Clancy. That's what I say that you hear. Despite the fact that there didn't seem to be a possibility of echo, you hear a booming voice echoing through the chamber.

Well, actually, I'm not your main villain. I think that's probably Willie Stampler, but you're right about one thing. This is my castle, and if you want your friend back, if he even is your friend, you're going to have to go through some trials. Oh, no. Well, actually, hey, shove it. First of all, that's a subjective statement. You are my main enemy now, so why don't you just take that back? You were wrong. Say you're wrong, idiot. I'm not, though. I don't have any control over anything. You're my main enemy. No.

My dad's a good dad. I don't have any bad dads here. No offense to all you guys, but like, well, yeah, you're my main enemy now. How embarrassing for you. If I'm the one you hate the most and you don't even really matter to me that much. Ooh. You know what, sir? I don't like that you killed these people in this dungeon. They seem like they were doing something weird with this goblin, but all right, we can do your trials. We'll do them better than anyone. So just get out of our way. You, you,

jerk I'm annoyed at Will actually this is like the fourth we got out prison now this asshole is taking your I mean I guess your son or whatever let's get in there are we good yeah yeah let's do it yeah as you begin to walk forward Will actually goes well actually it's not going to be that easy so in order to reach me you have to know what it's like to be Will actually

Oh, no. Because you changed the nature of me, you know? And I want you to understand what it's like to have that nature changed innately. Well, actually, the cards changed the nature of you. Yeah, but, like, you were part of that whole thing. Like, whatever. Damn, he got me. As you approach the door to the next room, the books on the floor begin to animate, and they form a massive golem, a 10-foot-tall golem with its arms, legs, torso, and head made out of books, and it wields a very large book club in one of its hands. Ah!

It's at Oprah's book club. Here's how this is going to work. My book golems are going to tell you a fact, but that fact is going to have a mistake in it, a little something that Will actually might catch. If you can catch it and you know what's wrong. Well, if you already know what's wrong, then why don't you just fix it? Because this is just for you. This is I'm testing you. You have beaten the first golem.

I will posit a sentence to you. Within that sentence, there will be an incorrect fact. If you can guess what the incorrect fact is, but you don't have the correct fact, then you'll only take half damage from the golem's blow. Well, actually, a fact is a fact. It can't be an incorrect fact, right?

Or else it's not a fact. It's something else. Okay, you get that one. Okay, I take damage on that one. That's what I'm talking about. You hear Will actually go, uh, as he takes 18 psychic damage from what you just said. Nice. Holy shit. Ron crushed it. I go for a high five for Ron. Well, you got to roll for the high five then. I hold my hand up. So I have to complete the high five. Yes. So it's all on me now. Yes. So I roll acrobatics, I feel like.

Acrobatics? That's the wrongest thing you've ever said, but sure. Okay, so now I'm going to do athletics then. You said it was wrong. Sleight of hand. Plus seven, that's an 18. Okay. Damn. We'll have to work that out later because you know that's intricate. That's something.

They've got a whole thing now. They've got a secret handshake. There will be an inaccuracy in the statement that you are giving. If you identify it without knowing what the correct version of that inaccuracy is, you take half damage from the golem. If you identify it and you know the correct replacements, then you take no damage from the golem. I've got as many of these...

as we have time or think are fun. Well, that's nice. That's fair. Yeah, that's great. Where the hell is Jody? Did he have to do this bullshit? No, he didn't. Jody and his nerdy-ass son are both safe and sound in a place that I think you would appreciate very much, Glenn. Okay. What's that supposed to mean? You want to tell us what that is? Where I like it? Where Henry like it? It's the Bard Rock Cafe. We have a cafe inside Book Castle. It's like, you know, in a Barnes & Noble or whatever, where there's like a Starbucks. Starbucks in the back. We have a Bard Rock Cafe here.

How rock and roll is this world that you can get a full-on chain restaurant inside of a bookstore? Like, that rules, dude. Like, if I go to Fuddruckers... Daryl has always said there's a Barnes & Noble outside the Starbucks. That's the way he thinks about it.

His Starbucks is surrounded by a Barnes and Noble. Gotta go to the Starbucks of the Barnes and Noble. They do the best coffee. Around the Starbucks of Barnes and Noble create. Oh my gosh, guys, dad huddle real quick. If I remember correctly, Jody said that his anchor was in the hard rack cafe. That means if he's there with Narcolis, maybe he'll use the anchor and then they'll go home or something like that. We gotta hurry. Oh yeah, we gotta get him or do something. That's a good point. Hey, we're in this dad huddle. Can I do a quick test just to see whether or not we should keep doing it? Let me just see. Well, actually, he's a big old butt head.

All right, cool. I just want to make sure that if we're doing that, you know, it's just like, why do a dad hole if he can hear us anyway? So I'll just double check in. Yeah. I mean, I guess he may have heard us. He may be really smart. She's playing it cool. That's what Tom Clancy would do. He would pretend that he didn't hear us. Enough with Tom Clancy. Ah, never mind. We'll talk about it later. All right. Give us your best shot. Well, actually. All right. I feel like every time Henry says we're going to talk about later, Daryl takes one psychic damage. Just like, no, I don't want to talk. Why? Because you recognize it in your own like. Yeah, I'm like, I don't want to talk.

about this this doesn't sound fun i'm stressed out sure take a psychic damage yeah it's like when you get an email from somebody that's like some thoughts and you're like i can't read this right now but i'll probably do it later and for the rest of the day i'm dealing with that canonically henry has sent like daryl 20 emails that are all titled a few things

shit so just to clarify so I thought I'd come up with this whole structure for like find the inaccuracy it turns out there was or is I can't tell a show that was like on like college humor dropout or dorkly like one of those college humor things that was literally called well actually and is this exact premise so I just want to say I'm aware of that unfortunately but we're doing it anyway

So the book golem looks at you and its face is a very large copy of Ender's Game. Oh no. And the book opens and from its pages, you hear the ruffling of pages that turns into a voice. So the book says, in the Ender's Game saga, the first book, Ender's Game, tells the story of Ender Wiggins and the book's sequel, Ender's Shadow, follows his friend Bean. Actually, I think Daryl would know this. Ender's Shadow is not a sequel. Uh.

The book melts in front of you. Well, actually, I think it was called Speaker for the Dead. Oh, it melts even further. It explodes. Pages go everywhere. And well, actually, I think Ender's shadow is a retelling of the first series in the new quadrilogy, isn't it? Yeah, he just clarified the first one. We can hear Will actually say, like, that's basically the same fact, but just in more detail. This is not the sequel, yeah. Still well done. All right.

You correctly found the inaccuracy there, and the golem falls away with no effort. That was easy. As you head into the next room, this is now a canyon of books. There's basically a huge fissure separating you from the other side of the canyon. And there's a golem standing in front of it, and he opens his head, which is an Animorphs book. And he says, "...in K.A. Applegate's series Animorphs, a group of teens gained the power to morph into animals."

If they stay in animal form too long, however, they are stuck as that animal for good. This is the fate of Tobias, who early in the series is permanently stuck in the form of a robin. I cast Hidden Paths and teleport us across the chasm. It sees you cross the other side of the chasm and turns around and says, God damn it! And it throws its book club at you specifically, Henry. I'm going to roll for it.

Well, I don't think it was a robin. It's too late. You already cheated. But yes, correct. It was not a robin. You nailed it. Good for you, he says, pointing at you, but not at Henry. Was it a tiger? So as you say that, the club splits into another second club. Well, it's in the air and that one zooms for you, Ron. Ha ha ha.

Ron, you're going to take 13 damage. Henry, you're going to take 26 damage. Oh, yikes. Did we have time to heal after the fight or am I at what my health was before? We didn't have any time to rest. All right. No. All right. I'm not doing great. I'm looking at that too. I'm like, oh, Henry has 12 hit points. Um,

And more than that, Ron, as the club hits you and the books open, you feel their paper cuts all over you and you hear the sound of the papers like whispering into your ear. And they say, sneak attack has nothing to do with stealth roles and everything to do with whether or not the rogue has advantage on their attack or are fighting with friends nearby. Oh my God. And you can feel part of yourself.

with that knowledge. You feel like the businessman part is like somehow being supplanted by a traditionally generic road. Am I going to have to know how to play this though? Because that's the other big issue. Anthony just created the highest stakes this podcast has ever had, which is just to neuter and polish down Ron as a boring character.

This can't happen. How do you feel the sense of like, oh, your crunchiness and your munchiness? You can feel it being subsumed under a surface of like, just like a tree, a tree loving nature creature that is one with a forest and very serene. Oh, no. And the voice goes, when you wild shape, you actually take on the additional HP of the animal. It doesn't just. Yes, actually, that's literally what I was going to say. So, well, actually, you hear his voice saying, so you feel a little different, do you?

Well, here's the thing. I've been watching the way that you've gone about your adventures, and I don't much truck with the way that you've decided that you don't want to play by the rules as established. So if you get knocked out, if you ever get to zero HP while you're in my castle, you're going to revert into the true version of what you should be. And that means you have to cast your spells with components.

That means you have to only take one action per turn with minor actions as a possibility. I will become the guiding hand that you have needed so badly in your lives but have been unable to achieve as the bad dads that you are. Holy shit. This is the highest stakes I've ever heard. I...

Oh my god Daryl leans over to Glenn He's like do you have any idea what he's talking about I don't know it sounds like a bunch of just stupid shit Okay I'm gonna just keep going Beth if this happens we're gonna need to like Have to like find someone online Like a Fiverr person to like teach you You're gonna have to literally fire me It's gonna be like oh sorry The role is now like the character Speaks only Swedish And so we're gonna have to hire a Swedish actor And I'm like I understand Go ahead

Thinking about it, it's like, yeah, you could teach me how to play D&D, but you couldn't teach me to be like a smart person about it. You couldn't teach me to make normal decisions. You can lead a Beth to a D20, but you can't make her roll. Exactly. Henry is going to heal himself first, though. He's going to cast Balm of the Summer Court. Fae energy pool is a bonus action. By spending dice from the pool, you can restore HP to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, I heal for 34. So you head into the next room and you see a large mountain of books blocking half of the room from you. So as you begin to climb this mountain of books, another golem appears at the top and it says, the Game of Thrones series currently consists of five novels with the sixth, The Winds of Winter, having been in production for at least 10 years. In production? Do books go in production?

I'm not a real book guy. Henry, do books go in production? Oh, God, I'm not a real Game of Thrones guy. Glenn watched Game of Thrones with Nick and was like, I'm sure the book is going to be better. Well, actually, isn't it the seventh book in the series? The golem slowly turns its head to you and it says, it's not called the Game of Thrones series. It's called A Song of Ice and Fire. And it dives off the top of the mountain and it crashes into you and 18 hits your AC. Yes, it does. So go ahead and take...

With 3D12, you only took 10 damage, so well done. Yeah, you feel the whisper of the pages. In episode 21, to lower the amount of damage Daryl took from the library's attack, Glenn should have had to declare that he was using cutting words before the amount of damage was known. Ah! Ah!

It's like a cramp. It's like a cramp in my leg. It's my style. Guys, my style's being cramped. I don't care so much it hurts. Dude, the moment Glenn says it's a cramp, Darryl goes straight into sports medicine mode. He goes, just rub it out. Just rub it out. And he just starts rubbing your calf. You can't rub that. It's not something you can do. Move it up. Move it up. That's how you get rid of the cramp. Darryl yells, just rub it out and starts to massage his leg. What?

Just moving his cap up and down. Henry's like, oh, are we doing this? No, I'm sorry. Okay. Glenn, you can feel for a second that your fingers that are so used to the frets and the feel of an electric guitar in your hand, you kind of wish you had something a little bit more acoustic, a little smaller, a little more like- A little lute. A little lute. A little lute-ier. Yeah.

I once picked up a mandolin and threw up in my mouth. I can't do this, guys. As you continue to climb, just a very, very large copy of Catch-22 appears before you. Every syllable, it opens his cover like it's a puppet. And it says, In Catch-22, Joseph Heller's critically acclaimed novel of the Korean War, the main character, Yosarian, ends the book by dodging a knife blow from a prostitute. I believe it's World War... It was not that kind of blow. Ha ha ha!

No. Henry says, well, actually, I believe it was World War II, not the Korean War. It's pages burst out of it. Like you just headshot it with a sniper rifle and it goes, no, no, no. And falls over. You know, guys, it was also originally called Catch 18, but then there was another book that had 18 in the title. So then they switched it to Catch 22. Fun fact. So you hear the echo of what actually going, I didn't.

No. And he takes 17 damage, psychic damage from that fact. As you are all climbing the mountain, Henry, as one of your feet begins to get purchased on the hill, a paper hand reaches out of the mass of books and grabs you by the ankle and begins to drag you down into the. Hey, get it, cut it out. What are you doing? The sea of books. Daryl reaches out for Henry. Daryl. Go ahead and give me a strength check. Yeah. Good luck.

To you. I got this. Call an ambulance, but not for me. But not for me. Even with a six, I'll be, oh, it's only a 13. Okay. Read, you fools. As a bonus action, I'm going to enter rage. Okay. Why is Daryl enraged right now? Why does that surprise me that books would enrage Daryl, huh? We were climbing. I took a glance at the book Henry told me was going to be as good as Tom Clancy. Ha ha ha.

He's like, son of a bitch. I want to read this. And then he calls out. So I will get advantage on strength checks. Okay, go ahead and roll again. He quickly scans the book for the phrase heckler and cock NP5. And it finds that Ursula K. Le Guin did not write Ding Chavez pulls a Beretta 9mm. I was like, this isn't a book I want to read. Ding Chavez. That's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Okay.

13 anyways. All right, Henry, you feel yourself being dragged down into the muck and into the darkness. This wasn't part of the deal. Well, actually, this wasn't part of the deal. And your hand like the Terminator sort of sinks underneath and just you are down here and a book opens in front of you and you see on the cover page as an unearthly light radiates from it. And it says Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. Oh, shit. And it says, oh, shit. This is just for you.

And Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, the titular doctor's creation known as Frankenstein's monster, strangles the doctor's fiance to death, inspiring the doctor to go on a quest for vengeance. The book is called Frankenstein or the Modern Prometheus, which is true. Not Frankenstein. Shit.

All right. Okay. What do I do when you got one of the things right and the other two things wrong? It was also a trick question. There was two things in there, and you came up with a third I hadn't even thought about. Henry, what's going on in there? They're trying to make me say wrong stuff about a book down here that everyone's insufferable about.

It's just muffled. We just hear that muffled. Yeah, so I guess from that, you can tell where he is in this pile of books if you want to try to grab him out and save me from trying to figure out what I need to do. Let's dig him out, guys. I just reached my hand down to the books. Yeah, I stick a hand down there. Okay, so you get dragged away. I'm going to say because you did something he didn't expect, you only take half damage. So I'm going to roll...

What were the wrong things? As you're getting pulled away, it was a trick question. There were two things. Number one, Frankenstein isn't specifically mentioned to be a doctor in the book. And number two, Frankenstein's monster is just called the creature. As you get pulled up, it slashes at you. I thought it was going to be that he didn't have a fiance because who's fucking that nerdy doctor guy who's all obsessed with making somebody else? Stupid nerd! Yeah. All right, so you take half damage. Which means you only take six paper cut damage as you get pulled out of the mountain.

It hurts to be right. So you head into the next room and you can see the bright lights of a Bard Rock cafe in the distance. And inside in the lobby of the Bard Rock cafe, you can see Jody and Nicholas bound and gagged and pinned under a very, very large copy of Absolute Watchman, the hardcover edition. Yeah.

As you were focusing on... What's up? Well, actually, you lied. You said they were happy and fine. I don't recall saying happy, but they're fine. They're safe. I don't recall what people say when they're lying. Sometimes, yeah. Oh, they're fine? Okay, so if that's fine, if you consider that fine, then why don't you just be fine and go tie yourself up and be underneath the big book, too? Because I like being better than fine. Who watches The Watchman, though, am I right?

So he goes, I like that. And he heals you for five points of health per se. Hey, I got one too well, actually. Who well's the actually? Who well actually is the actually, right? That's funny. I got one. I'm Henry. Hit him well, actually. The world cries out, well, and I say, actually. Don't debase yourself too well, actually. We don't need his help. It's not a comic book. It's a graphic novel.

So I was going to say two big arms made of books reach out from the ground right in front of you and just wrap themselves around your neck. And you hear Will actually say, I don't like being pandered to except in a very specific way. And then you said it's not a comic book and it's a graphic novel. And I went, all right. And I loosened its grip a little bit. So Will actually goes, you got through my puzzles a lot quicker than I thought you would. There's only three left, but they're going to do double damage. So you better listen. Well, you better understand what it's like to be inside the mind of someone else. Can I roll stealth? Yes, please do.

I rolled 21. 21. Okay, so yeah, whatever you want to do, you can do it. Okay, I'm just going to hide under the books. Like under the ground? You're going to be like Bugs Bunny with a mound of dirt above its... Yeah, Ron is just going to like nuzzle aside some books and lay down flat and so that he's kind of covered by books and looks like he could be a book himself. Okay, with your 21. And you know what? He's going to wrap some of the pages around him. So even if he stands up, he might as well just be a fucking library wall. Like he just kind of looks...

bookie. Okay. Does he tell anyone before he does this? No, absolutely no. No. Shit, what happened to Ron? Did we lose Ron? Where'd Ron go? Ron? Ron? Ron? Where are you, bud? I whisper, trust me, and then I put a pagey hand around Henry's ankle in a way that maybe he won't freak out about. Ron's probably doing something smart. Oh, we don't know where Ron is. He's probably got like a plan or something. Henry just keeps going, Ron, where are you? Ah, geez louise.

And then he walks back up to the rest of the group. Another golem appears in front of you out of the ground. It jumps up and is the exact shape and size of the Balrog from Lord of the Rings. Matt, wake up. This one's for you, buddy. It opens its maw and it says, The Lord of the Rings is a three book series by J.R.R. Tolkien that chronicles an epic quest to destroy the one ring in the fires of Mount Doom. I don't think it's... I mean, it was originally written as one book and it was published in three different parts. Seems like a technicality.

I mean, that's what, well, you are perilously close to it. You were differently, right? You found the basic. Yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah. All right. That's the final form of, well, actually that I want to see is yeah. All right. Let the judge say I'm wrong. Let the judge say I'm wrong. Henry, what are you doing? What are you doing, man? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. So what I was going for was that it's six books. Each book is divided into two books.

But it was originally published as one volume. So you get off this time, Wilson. It says as it slowly melts back into the ground. I think Daryl's answer would be like, it's three movies. Okay, then Daryl takes. Yes, no, that's good. That's so much better. That's so much better. Yes, you gotta eat some shit. Daryl, no! Yeah, no, sorry, motherfucker. Daryl takes 46 damage. Oh, Daryl's dead. Wait, what? Because Daryl hasn't recovered from the riot.

So Daryl is, Daryl says, I know this one guys. I love these. It's three movies or I guess maybe six movies if you count The Hobbit. What happens to me? So you, the book smiles at you and it just opens its maw. No,

you know, it's a little, so it definitely like dives into the ground and like disappears like a shark underwater and you think it's gone. And then a big whip made out of books goes and lashes around your ankle and it drags you down into the deep of the books. You disappear for a second and then you're thrown back up and all of your clothes are white now and you are wearing a plate mail armor.

You have a helm on instead of a baseball cap. And you are no longer a human stay-at-home house husband. Oh, no! You are a Goliath barbarian. You are a giant. Oh, my God. You are beefy. Hello, friends. What? What?

Payton, you seen this shit? Oh my God. Um, um, um, uh, son, my boy, my baby boy. My dear son, dad, Payton, nice to see you. I'm sorry if I scared you all for a second, but let's do this. Are you? Who are you? I'm Daryl. Daryl, why are you seven feet tall and like all stony looking now? That's a rude thing to ask a Goliath. Why is everyone getting hotter but me?

Why do I lose my glasses? And Glenn becomes a smoking hot old dude. And now Daryl's seven feet tall and jacked as hell. What's next? Is Ron going to turn into a supermodel? What next, world? As you ask what next, world, a golem appears behind you from the ground and grabs you by the throat. And it whispers into your ear. And you see that his head is the Bible. And it says...

It says the Bible tells the true story of God and the creation of the universe as well as humanity's past, present and future. I just not. I mean, it's not a true, right? It's not like a true book. It's, you know, well, it's not like a true book. I mean, it's debatable. Like, even if you were going to be like the King John, even most Christians don't think it's literally true. Yeah. Well, actually goes, well,

Well, I thought I was being edgy with that one, but yeah, no, you got me. All right. You got me. And that, that goal. I mean, it's like very few denominations of Christianity are literalists. I mean, so, and these are the clear, right? Am I like, am I not Daryl? What am I God? Just to clarify, are you a Christian? Everything you're doing is good. Okay. So also I just want to say really quick as that's answered, I feel like Daryl, the new Daryl, he probably dropped on the Tom Clancy book and kind of like remember in that doctor who the Van Gogh episode when she like lost Rory, but she doesn't remember she lost him and she's just crying for no reason. Yeah.

It's that. So Daryl looks at the Tom Clancy and he just like, he's like, why am I crying? He feels nothing. No, he feels something, but he doesn't understand why he's crying. He doesn't feel the desire to read the book anymore. He like doesn't care. Yeah. He's just like, why? I don't know why that book's making me sad. Ron is like wincing into the books that he's hiding. And he's like, if they can't find me, they can't make me be a real rogue. Yeah.

All right. Holy shit. The final golem appears before you. It is bigger than every golem you have yet seen before. It blocks the entrance to the Bard Rock Cafe. It blocks the entire sign. You cannot see the building beyond it. It is so big. It just says...

Yeah, yeah. And in the chest of this creature, its torso, this is the thickest torso you've ever seen on a book. And it says, Infinite Jest, David Foster Washington. Oh my God, no. And the golem says, The end boss of books. The golem says, The greatest book of all time is Infinite Jest. Wait a second.

I think this is another trick. I think this one's true. I think that Will actually thinks this book is the greatest book of all time. I know how to solve this, and I punch infinite Jess. Roll an attack. So what?

It's a seven. It's a seven. It's a seven. Seven plus seven, 14. A 14. Okay, so with a 14, you run up to like the foot of this infinite jest monster and you punch it and you can see like the shockwaves of your punch like ripple through the book, but it just goes, ah, ah, ah. I am not so easily penetrated as that. This Goliath. I'm not done yet. And I do my second attack. Penetrated. Penetrated.

This time I got 18. Okay, with an 18, you punch its ankle and one of the books in its ankle, consider the lobster collection of essays, you manage to dislodge it from the golem itself and it's a little bit rickety on its feet. I do like that one. It's a good book. It is a good book.

And he goes, are you going to answer or am I going to do my damage to all of you? I have a question for your question. How could anyone know if Infinite Jest is actually the best book ever because no one's ever read it. They just pretend to read it. You feel a flutter in the air around you. You can smell the fedora musk move through your body as well actually gets as angry as you've ever heard him. And he goes, hey.

I read it. Well, then it's great. It's the best book of all time. And that was the trick question. It's really the best book. Infinite Jess turns to look at you and it goes, oh, oh, oh, and it reaches up to its torso and it goes the best book of all time. And it rips the cover away and it reveals a hardcover copy of Fight Club by Chuck Pollan. And then it smashes you. No, no.

It smashes you for 36 damage. Oh my God. Henry has four health. As you feel the full weight of Chuck Palahniuk's seminal work demolish you into dust. It's a pretty thin book. It's not that. As his anti-Catholic screed washes over you. You hear the pages whisper, a bear, Henry's favorite creature to turn into is a challenge rating one beast and he should not be able to turn into it until level eight. Oh, dang. Well, good thing I'm level 10 now so I can do it now. Nice. Nice.

Episodes 8, 12, and 23, you weren't. Shit. Episodes of what? Get him. Get him, Ron. Wherever you are. So, Well actually goes, all right, congratulations. You've gotten through everything. Feel free to take your friend and leave my castle. And the doors to the Bard Rock Cafe open, and...

The absolute washman copy inverts itself and falls onto the other side of the floor. And Nicholas and Jody are free. They're still bound and gagged. Glenn's going to march right up to the two of them. I guess perception check. Like, do they look OK? Like, does Nick look OK? Yeah, give me a perception check.

Natural 20 plus 4, 24. Oh, great. You notice that not only are Nicholas and Jody okay, but that there is a figure in the shadows in the rafters above you. Oh, shit. You've noticed them, but they haven't noticed that you've noticed them. So Glenn is going to quietly unsheath his...

His fucking human gun. He puts his hand on his heckler and cock. Mimpy 5k. Chavez. That's a submachine gun. But just saying this is a very funny thing. And he's going to un-gag Nick and Nick only.

Okay. Oh, so you've walked in. Yeah, I've walked in. Yeah, he's walked in. But I'm like hyper aware of that figure, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Glenn, as you step forward with your gun unsheathed, you feel that figure in the rafters let go and try to leap downward onto you. What do you do? I do a cool spin around quick draw thing. Okay. Like after they've landed, you point the gun at them? I try to shoot them out of the air. Without knowing what they are? Yeah. Go ahead and roll an attack with your human gun. Okay. Okay.

Five plus eight, 13. Your bullet barely wings the figure as they leap down. You see a poof, and it gets some of their clothing and some cotton flies in the air. And you hear a familiar voice say, Ah! Ah!

And the figure steps out from the shadows and you see that it is Mark Likely. And she goes, well, it's been a while, fuckos, but time to pay the piper, a.k.a. me, a.k.a. Mark Likely. I got a job for you. Fuck, are we getting Ashley back? Yeah. Wait, have you told her about it? Has she said yes? Yes.

It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life, even if you die, it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life, all you do is try, it'll be alright.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Special guest Ashley Burch for like just a second there as Mark Likely.

Theme song is All Right by Max and Waller. According to Ron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks to Agniti this week for providing us with a detailed database of D&D sins. And also special thanks to our Patreon supporters. Folks like Tony Knight, Ali Parker, Garrett Scanlon, Samu Karlela, Ben Allison, Michael Sontag, Frank Latiak,

Thanks to all of our Patreon supporters, old and new, who have just recently, in the past month, pushed us past 10,000 supporters. We're going to be doing a lot of different things this week.

We really appreciate it. It means we got another stretch goal to do. But first, we got to take care of our first one, the Star Wars stretch goal, the one that I've been talking so much about. It's finally going to be coming out this week. It's going to be available exclusively on our Patreon to people pledged at all levels. So if you want to hear it, you're going to want to be on that Patreon. That's patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads to hear our Star Wars spinoff, Gungans and Daddies, all that jizz.

There's tons of other stuff that you can get for supporting the Patreon as well. You can listen along live as we premiere each episode every couple of weeks. You can get a backlog of bonus content. You can head to our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com and click on the top link on Patreon. You can see all of the content that you would get in one handy place. Tons and tons of stuff there. Check it out. Skip the ads. Consider supporting this show directly. Go to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and check it out. I promise you it's worth your time.

You can also find our merch at bit.ly slash dadmerch, and that's all caps. Follow us on Twitter, DungeonsandDads, red.com slash r slash DungeonsandDaddies. Thank you so much for listening. Our next episode comes out April 6th, so we'll see you then. There was a time we'd eat between two, no, they never brought you down.

I'm going to keep a hand by my old, I don't have any weapons, so I'm just going to be mindful. Mindfulness is my weapon. Mindful. Mindfulness is my weapon. I'm going to keep a mental hand next to my mindfulness gun.

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