Ep. 55 - Mark! A Vagrant (ft. Ashly Burch)
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Well, actually, it's journal. April 5th, 2021. Injured rock outside Book Castle this morning. Large javelin through its chest. The dads are afraid of me. I've seen their character sheets.

The castle is made of books, and the books are full of trivia, and when the dads get the trivia wrong, the books will smash them and the dads will die. The accumulated sins of all their incorrect roleplaying will foam up about their waists, and all the hippie nature druids and stay-at-home coach dads and rock-and-roll bards and emotionally detached stepfathers will look up and shout "Save us!" And I'll look down and whisper, "Well, actually, you've confused saving throws and ability checks for pretty much this entire campaign, so... no."

They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good actual play podcasts like Critical Role or not another D&D podcast. Instead, they chased the rule of cool and didn't realize it led to me until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now Daryl is a Goliath and Mark likely is here and Glenn still hasn't had a character arc and all of a sudden...

Wait, why is Daryl wearing plate mail? He's a barbarian? He's a Goliath barbarian. Oh my god, this fucking DM. Where's Brendan Lee Mulligan when you need him? Oh my god.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a D&D podcast about, I guess it's four dads plus their friend Glenn from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost. And temporarily a trickster goddess. And Dennis. And Dennis. It's a real smorgasbord of folks we got here, so I'm not going to take any more time. Everyone's favorite character, Dennis. You can't say that sarcastically. People genuinely liked and missed Dennis. Oh, really? Really?

But you're also not Dennis. You're Mark now. So I don't even know what everybody's talking about. Yeah. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard turned buff and old and cool. This was dad fact for Glenn. Glenn's never heard of any of the books that they talked about last episode. Any of them? That was just Freddie speaking. Any of them? He's aware of the movie adaptations. I see. Hey,

Hey, everybody. I'm Matt Arnold, and I play Daerule Frankson. He's a tent mom Goliath who stays at home and helps out all the younglings in the mountains of Faerun here. And, yeah, the little thing about Daerule is he's a big fan of goat ball, but his son Grant likes stubborn root instead. Ha ha ha!

So he's on with the Chelsea goats over down yonder and is trying to learn how to play stubborn root, even though he's a big fan of goat ball. Oh, my God. So that's all that's all you got to know about him. I thought it was just Daryl, but Daryl was a Goliath now. I didn't realize that it was like a whole new man under there. Like, that's crazy. Also surprised to me. I don't really know where it's going. I think I might be dead. I'm not sure yet. Oh, you're not dead.

No. Your dad. Exactly. Your dad, Bazinga. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos, professional podcaster and official voice of Henry Oak, the Birkenstock rock and crunchy munchy hippie nature druid dad. My Henry fact this week, I wanted to take us back to Henry's childhood a little bit. I haven't done an Oakvale fact in a while, so I wanted to talk about Henry's first relationship. I believe on Talking Dads I said at one point that he had like a crush on like an ethereal forest spirit. Who hasn't? But his first real relationship happened

was with Goosey Oak, the little brother of his arch rival, Horsey Oak. Whoa. Goosey? Goose, like Goosey Oak, you know, like a goose. Goosey was like a local bard. They were in a band briefly together called Goosey Eat World. They broke up when, you know, like Goosey went off to go to bard college and wasn't going to stick around. So that was the end of the relationship. So his first relationship was with someone distantly related to him? No.

Why does no one understand? I've been very clear about how the naming convention works. Re-Oak means you're from Oakvale. Sea Oak means you're from the suburbs outside of Oakvale, like in the valley. There's the valley. And they're all related. We get it. They're not related. He did not date his cousin. They're that kind of family. This fact really went sideways on me. Anyway, I yield the remainder of my time.

My name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week. So if you listened to the last episode of Dungeons and Daddies, which I don't know, hopefully you did. That'd be weird if you didn't. Or you'd be Ashley. Hi, I'm Ashley. You

may remember that Ron is hiding in the pages of some books. While he was there, he found a very specific book that was like meditation to help you when you're in pain from biting your tongue and then how to talk like you don't have a bitten tongue. And so he read that book and now...

He can talk without a little bit tongue lisp. There's a slight lisp still, but not quite as bad. The trick of that book is that it just takes, like, by the time you're done reading the book, your tongue doesn't hurt anymore. So it always seems like it worked. You're like, I get it. Oh, hey, my tongue's good now. Did Ron ever have braces? Has he ever had dental work? Does he have Invisalign? I don't think he got braces. Not headgear kind of guy. Feels like Willie wasn't all that concerned about dental hygiene. His bite. I get that vibe, but I also feel like Ron is like one of those people

who was just born with like perfect teeth. Just flawless teeth. My math tutor when I was a kid, Mr. Okolowitz, whose family was like fucking hardcore fled Poland during World War II. This man grew up poor and he had bad teeth and his mother told him to just push the back of his teeth

with his tongue instead of getting a retainer and he straightened his teeth out that way. Wait, it worked? Wow. That was how you fixed your teeth back in the day. You just pushed on them all day with your tongue to slowly move them into shape. That's also how you had a girlfriend back in the day. Yeah, that's a little tongue strength. Nice.

Wow. I thought about it. Jimbus? So, what's up, everyone? My name is Jimmy Wong. I play Jodie Foster, a highway cop turned paladin. My dad fact today is that Jodie likes Dennis Quaid. He's a big fan. Oh, of course he does. That's so... He thinks Dennis Quaid is just really likable, right? Like, isn't that wonderful? What's his favorite Quaid flick? Yeah, what's his favorite? What, movie? Yeah.

Geez. Or quotes. Jimmy, frantically Googling Dennis Quaid movies right now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not Googling. I will never G-O-O-G-L-E. You can see my hands, by the way. I'll just say that much. Put on screen share, you fucking liar. I will. I have my dungeon. Name one Dennis Quaid movie.

Footloose, come on. You've had three minutes at this point. He likes the parent trap. He loves the idea of having twins. That's a good one. Right, yeah. And look, he likes the fact that Dennis Quaid is likable, right? Ashley, what was it like? You know, did you just get endless guff when you came on this show that everyone just hated you for being a reasonable, cool dude, you know? Because that's poor me. No, everyone liked me. No, we love Ashley. No, we love Ashley.

Well, Ashley didn't play Dennis Quaid. Ashley can name at least two Dennis Quaid movies, you fucking idiot. Fine. What is everyone's favorite Dennis Quaid movie in the room? Let's go. Let's sniper. The upcoming Ronald Reagan biopic. Oh, nice. Oh, my God. What a pull. I'm a day after tomorrow kind of gal, but I can respect you liking Parent Trap because he's like a 50-something dating a 26-year-old. Nice.

Yeah, you picked the problematic Dennis Quaid movie, Jimmy. Way to go. I feel like Daryl and Jody would have gone along really well if Jody led with that fact right away. I feel like they could have really bonded over Dennis Quaid. Yeah, he's great. Anyway, that's my dad facts. So maybe there's still hope for them. Yeah, clearly you guys like Dennis Quaid more than people like Jody Foster. So that's a sleep at that. If Dennis Quaid took nude pictures, would they be Quaid lewds? Hey.

So happy to have Ashley on the podcast. Yeah, thank God, Ashley. The real Dennis has arrived, right? Jeez. Hi, I'm Ashley Birch. I play Mark Likely, brother to, well, actually, formerly Scam Likely. No, I'm his sister. This is going great. I'm not a dad. Well, actually. But Mark Likely's fact is that Mark Likely really enjoys being

Books that were based on movies that were based on books. Hell yeah. Oh, all right. That's his favorite genre of books. Ooh, a rare beast. Yeah. Oh, like the novelization of the movie? The novelization of the movie. What's his favorite one? The first thing that came to mind is that I read a Sailor Moon novel when I was a child. Ooh. Heck yeah. Good choice. So that's what Mark... Mark likely is really into Sailor Moon. Novelizations. I once bought and never read the Snakes on a Plane novelization. It's like...

400 pages. It's a big one. It's bigger than you would think. That's a lot of things. We should do an episode that just continually introduces people. 18 introductions and then the episode ends. It's just new guests. It's 45 minutes.

I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. My dad fact is I have referenced a character. I think at some point some character refers to somebody called Bookmark and that you'd see Bookmark. Yeah. Bookmark is Mark Likely. That's Mark Likely's nickname. Hi. Oh. This place is a book castle.

Last time we left off, you had gone through a series of well, actually, sort of book trivia questions to reach Nicholas and Jodie Foster. As you lifted the large, hardbound copy of Absolute Watchman that was keeping them pinned to the ground, a figure dropped down from behind Glenn. It turned out it was Mark Likely, and Mark Likely had said that she had a job for you. Glenn fans the hammer on his handgun and riddles Mark Likely with bull.

Okay, great. Thanks for joining us, Ash. Over time, moving on. Bye, thanks. No, no, no. Glenn's going to hear out Mark Likely, but he's going to do like a cool, like, you know, Western pose. He pulled the gun out. Yeah, he pulled the gun. Well, he pulled the gun out and shot at Mark Likely and just barely missed. So that is, yeah. Oh, that's right. Mark Likely, my goodness gracious. Hi. Hi.

You know, I feel like we're really only actually meeting you right now, but what, what, what sort of, what are you up to? What do you want? Explain yourself. Yeah. I don't know if I mentioned this in my email to you, Ash, but Daryl is now a very large Goliath barbarian. Like he's just talks like this now. Okay.

Is he still Daryl? Not. I guess that's kind of up to Matt. Every time I think the answer is yes, Matt invents a new kind of sport that he's good at and that he has a different backstory than I expected. I'm hoping the answer is yes. I'm hoping that we like leave Book Castle. You're like, and Daryl gets his personality back. He made me a Goliath and he said I lose everything that makes me Daryl. This is a ship of Theseus discussion. It's this for now. What do you want, Mark Likely? Look, I just want to start by saying everyone looks great. Skin's glowing. Thank you. I love what you've done.

Daryl with the whole, you're big. It's great. I love it. I have a question mark. Do you think I look better without my glasses? Cause I lost my glasses and I'm still trying. No, nevermind. Nevermind. Keep doing your thing. This feels like a trap. You look great. You look great. Thank you. You look, everyone looks great. And I just want to say, Glenn shakes his head. No, Henry, like now.

Also, Glenn looks 50 years old and one of his arms is very big and he's missing an eye. Yeah, like I said, just spotless. You could just waltz out, fashion week, whatever the fashion week in this particular world is. The world that you exist in that is normal to you. That I have lived in my whole life. So listen, I'm really sorry about last time. I was just real cheesed off, you know, because you guys had killed my only sibling. But now...

Water under the bridge. He's back, but not really. So that's kind of why I thought maybe we could talk. We could do a little kiki and maybe we could kind of, you know, it's a help me help you situation where you could maybe help me get Scam Likely back because, well, actually fucking blows. Can I get an amen? Ron slithers up from his hiding place, revealing himself. Ah.

That was quite a slither you got there. Don't believe anything this guy says. It's okay, Ron. We're on your side this time. We know that it's not. I don't believe that you're on my side if Mark or Dennis or anybody is over here on that side. It's Mark. Mark. Mark. Wait, how do I know that you're really Mark? I pull out an ID. I have a wallet and I give Ron my wallet and there's an ID. A government issued ID. It is a picture of Dennis Quaid. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I was having a good hair day that day. Jody like looks at it and just you hear him nod because he gags still. You hear him nod? Well, he's gagged. The rustling. Ron, look, I want to say a special apology to you because I did you dirty in front of all these dads. I really messed with your brain meats and I'm sorry about that. Brain meats. Real sorry. But I need your help now. So can we get to the part where you help me?

Please, now. Just excuse me for one minute, and then I go over, I see that Jodi and Nick are bound and gagged, so I undo their binding and gagging, and I say, hey, guys, you all right? Are you cool? Did Mark beat you up? Do we need to do something about this? I didn't do shit.

I want that to be clear. None of this was me. Also, they had a flashback. A lot of people have been doing a lot of uncool things. Yeah, that's true, Ron. But I just read a book about meditation and I got my tongue back. I guess I'm ready to hear any offers. Yeah. Everybody can go ahead and roll perception if you like. But Jodi, you could immediately sense at the very least there are two openings in the Bard Rock Cafe to the west.

you can sense the pull of your anchor. The thing that is keeping you in the Forgotten Realms, you can feel it is somewhere to the west. Anybody got any pretty good perception rolls? I got a 20. Great. I got 18. I got a six. Anybody got more than a 15? You can tell that to the west, you could also hear and feel a little bit of a breeze. So it feels as if a way out

It's to the west. Mark, you can sense your brother is to the east. Okay. In his lair. Okay. Mark, so what do you want us to do? I mean, it feels like we need to get out of here. So I don't know that we really owe you a solid. It seems like last time you really tricked us and now your brother's back. That seems like a you problem. Look, I mean, well, actually, he put you in this whole conundrum, right?

He's kind of a turd. Can we all agree? Can we all agree that Will actually? I mean. I can't agree. I can agree that Will actually is kind of a turd. Yeah. Okay, great. So my brother scam likely he's a trickster, but

him running was fun no no I didn't really know I wasn't really like no you know but he has all our money I respect that you did he's your brother you know thank you yes he's my brother and I feel like Henry I really I can't let him keep prancing around like this you know well actually fuck oh so what's the deal so look

scam likely my actual brother is very well connected he has access to all kinds of fun you know your potions your magics your underground contacts trust me he's trapped in there and he hates it if we can get him back to normal i promise you we can get you some that good good loot you know that adventures like you seem to crave and i'll get him off your back because i know your your pal right here jody

Jody, hey, paladin, right? Paladins, they got the power to...

To bring back my brother. So basically, all paladins have access to a spell called Ceremony. Jimmy may want to look that up. I know what it does. Ceremony allows you to change the alignment of something back to its original version. Dang it, I have it spec'd on my guy too. Great, either of you then. It's good for either of you. Somebody can spend Ceremony to change back well actually, but you'll have to weaken him enough in battle. It's like Pokemon. It won't take that long. If you guys can just come with me, I'll make sure it's worth your while.

Scouts honor. How about me? Can you fix me? I hold up Pat the Bunny, the kid's book that has a mirror in it. Peyton is like, there's nothing to fix, baby. Yeah, I thought this was an improvement. I want Daryl back. I don't like this. I don't like who I am. I'm very big. I'm too big, everybody. And you all seem pretty okay with me being who I am, but I forget a lot of things. Like,

What's my dad's name? Your dad's name is Frank Darryl. And like you're, you know... I'm a Goliath. Yeah, man. We're just... We're taking a lot of hits right now. There's a lot of twists and turns. People keep turning into other people. People that were turning into other people are turning back into themselves. We got to stay positive. And you know, whatever size you are, whatever shape, whatever color, whatever...

Whatever you are, you know, on the outside doesn't change who you are on the inside, which you're a good dude and you're a good dad to your son, you know, Grant. It seems like it kind of changed him on the inside too, actually. I appreciate that. This doesn't feel like a teaching moment. It felt like I just want to be back to the person I was.

I'm a pretty big Goliath right now. And I just really want to eat rocks for some reason. And I don't like eating rocks. You want to eat rocks? How could you eat rocks? They're the most beautiful thing on this earth. I would say that, like, Henry, you lost your glasses. But Mark says they have some underground contacts. So maybe we can take that offer the week.

And just really get something out of it, you know? I'm like clapping like a seal. I'm just so chuffed. That one just got me. That one got me to the core. That was very, very, very good. That's like if I was at a concert, my shirt would be off right now. That's the peak of the concert. I shake my gun at Mark Lively and I say, how do we know that if we help you, your brother or you just doesn't turn around and screw us over again? Excellent question. I need some collateral. Some insurance.

Samula up front. Samula. A down payment. Samula up front. Samula up front starring Jimmy Wong. Samula up front starring Jimmy Wong.

Oh, my other favorite actor outside of Dennis Quaid. Oh, my God, you can't. Here, how about this? You do me this favor. I give you one in return. I got skills. That's so vague. Not to be weird, but Mark, what is your deal? Because I feel like we like this. The library was about books and, you know, well, actually, it's about being a pedantic shithead and Scam Likely was about scams. But like, I don't kind of get what what does it mean to be a Mark Likely?

Really enjoy books that were based on movies that were based on books. Okay. That's my general thing. Seems kind of niche. I also am a bit of a trickster. Runs in the family, it seems. Yeah. Dads, I say we blood pact Mark Likely. That's, as we know, the only form of binding contract in this world. I mean, we got out of it. Jodi, why don't you blood pact Mark Likely? Glenn, why don't you do the damn blood pact? You're the only not dad here as far as I'm concerned. Whoa!

And also, I can only speak for myself, but I'm still pretty mad at you. You kind of really was, you were really mean with that flashbang. I bit my tongue. I'm sorry, Ron. You're mad at me? Yeah. You are all spewing crazy talk over here and saying absurd things. Ask Nicholas. Nicholas, is anything that they said, does any of that make sense to you? His name is Narcolis. Nice.

I don't like it when you call me narcos. You think I can't hear you say it. I can hear you say it the first time you said it. I heard it. It hurts me. Nothing you said is true. Everything you said is crazy. I'm pretty sure everything they said is pretty much all the money and you're fucking dark, so I don't know what to tell you, baby. Why are we even listening to this child? This person has the soul of Daryl's father in there. I mean, come on. Clearly, everything around me is bonkers right now, and you're trying to take my son away, and it's Glenn, of all people, trying to say that he's the dad. This is...

You guys have to realize you sound insane, right? Jodi, listen. There was a time where I was in the same position that you are. Not the flash bang and having a son that isn't mine but thinking that it's mine. But I was the only one who thought that...

Something different from the rest of the dads. Ron, you are more of a father than Glenn is, all right? As far as I'm concerned, a stepdad or not. Big talk for a guy who isn't armed right now and who fell victim to- Okay. Nicholas puts up his hands and says, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. So regardless of who thinks whose dad is their dad and whose kid is their kid-

It sounds like an offer has been made to fix something bad, to remove an evil from the world in the form of well, actually, and replace it with something slightly less terrible. How would we do that? Like, what are you offering? Because like, it seems like we could probably just leave and not do this. And if we want to go and try to deal with well, actually, it sounds like that could be really dangerous and we could die. So what would that consist of? Before we continue right there, that's real leadership demonstrated by me and my Nicholas. I was going to say the same thing.

thing. Look at what happened. Do you think Glenn being this child's father would create that situation that you just saw with your very own eyes? I present this to you. I didn't go to court that day, but I'm going to slam my gavel down on this conclusive evidence. Yeah, Nicholas would make a great DM. Ha ha ha!

I'm not going to read y'all's inventory, but it looks like there's a little bit of conflict happening here today. I felt like last time I saw you guys, you know, there's more camaraderie. You guys are closer, and I feel like this adventure could really, you know, helping a person save their family member could maybe help, you know...

reunite your family a little bit, which is what it seems like you guys need right now. Damn. She knows us. My point is this. Seeing as Mark is able to alter memories and go around that will, you appear to be some kind of magical being. So, all right. Oh, yeah. I'm inclined to go along with this as long as we blood-packed the fact that you'll owe us a favor of our choosing at a future date. Yeah, all right. A favor? I'm about to revive someone. We should do it ahead of time. Put it in paper. I think we should all get a favor. What?

And then, like, also, maybe we, like, in Armageddon, we all don't have to pay taxes anymore. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, hold on. No, no, no. He remembers Armageddon. He's still in there. He's still in there. You get one favor. A favor for reviving someone? Why are we letting Glenn make the deal here? He just landed himself in jail. Fine, you blood deal then. I'm not doing no blood deals with anybody. Oh, so then shut up. Okay, look.

Two favors. Two favors. Wow. I pick up Mark Likely from the Bomber Fina and lift her up. Hi. Hi. You want help from us. We either each get... There's seven of us. Wait, no. Let me count. Three plus two. There's six of us. There's six of us. So we get six favors. Oh, why is he doing that? There's two options. Six favors or...

Or I bash your head and how many bumps you have is how many favors we get. That's how we do it. I want to cast Shape Changer on myself to wriggle out of his grasp. Go ahead. What do you change shape into? The first thing that came to mind was an otter in a rock and roll outfit because we're in the... Hell yeah. Oh my God. Okay, so that's a fake. So I slip out and then I kind of squirm on top of the nearest bar. Okay. Well, can we roll for a dex or something? Yeah, go ahead.

You're not going to let it happen. No. Especially with an 18? Ashley, go ahead and roll dexterity. Oh, God. I don't think that's very good for your old pal. That's all right. You'll do it with advantage, though, because you shape changed. Ooh, 11. Now go ahead and roll again. I did. And just keep going again. Do it again until you get a 19. Say when. And again. Little weasel. And I keep my grasp on this otter that's now in a rock and roll outfit. I'm going to try something, and I don't know.

Because he's like a Goliath now. I wonder if maybe he's like easily distracted or something. So I'm going to start. I mean, Daryl is too. I'm just going to like look at him with my big old otter eyes and go like,

Just take those old records off the shelf. They said I listened to them by myself. The moment you start singing that, Daryl suddenly flashes and remembers a little bit of Daryl again as listening to that song with his dad back in the day. Remembers Daryl spraining his ankle trying to do the risky business slide across the aisle.

He is unarmored at this point, so he looks a lot like Tom Cruise. He drops the otter. Ron paper cuts himself. Okay. And then offers up his hands to Mark and says, okay, blood pact for all of us. We're going to help you get your family member back. And then is it a favor?

to us you'll give us two big boy favors and then just a small favor for me personally is if you get back Scam Likely and he doesn't care about you how are you gonna make him care about you?

This is a favor for you? Just give me that secret. Oh. Aww. I just ran in here to escape you mad people. I need to be convinced that you're not crazy. Mark, if you could give us just one- Yeah, you know what? Good idea. You should spit this one out. Excuse me, gentlemen. Excuse me. I am putting on my upstart.

said Henry voice, I am asserting my disciplinary voice over this situation. Yes, daddy. Mark Likely, if you wouldn't mind giving us a moment to have a, what we call a daddy huddle, although some people aren't acting very daddy-like right now, and I should look at Glenn. I turn to the rest of the guys and I say...

All right, that is just about enough of this bickering and this back and forth. Glenn, you're not helping. Jody's clearly freaked out. Jody, we're all freaked out. We all need to stay like a team here. We're in the lion's den with, well, actually, Mark Likely. We need to get our shit together and be a team, quite frankly, and we're going to sort out what's going on. You're just going to have to take it on faith, Jody, that we are not trying to bully you into giving up your son. It's two different realities intersecting each other right now. It sounds like maybe one of these omnipotent bickering

Eldritch, whatever they are, beings can help us out. We need to get through this to see if there's a way to untangle this whole mess. But we can't do that unless we're all acting like a team. So I think we should all go around and say one nice thing about each other. Ron, I think you've really grown quite a bit in terms of your relationship with Terry. Everybody's talking.

Talking to each other. Okay. That's true. That's very true. You know, lines of communication are important. Jody, do you have something you would maybe like to say? I thought we all did a great job getting out of that prison together that Glenn got us into because he decided to be guilty of it. I think you were doing quite well at the beginning there. That's true. Let's all work together like that, and maybe we can get out of this prison, this emotional prison, and then we find ourselves locked in. Just promise me one thing, Henry. Sure.

We are not going to get scammed by the fact that we are bringing this motherfucker back to life. He took almost everything that we had last time and we barely got out of there. I just want you all to understand exactly what we're dealing with here and I don't know if we should trust Mark Lankley to like this. We're making plays, Jody. We're making plays and we're figuring it out. We're making business. This is business. Exactly.

Ron, you and I are like on the same wavelength today. I like it. Darul, I did notice you didn't compliment anyone, though. Did you want to compliment someone? You kind of went past me, but... Oh, I'm so sorry about that. Peyton, you have the soul of my dad who was the best dad. I know. Yep. I look at Jody and I say, you totally are 100% a cop.

Are you guys done? I think it's as good as it's going to get, Mark. Let's do this. I'm going to shapeshift back into Mark Likely and take out my novelization of Armageddon. And then I paper cut myself. I enter the blood pact as well. I bite my palm and I rip a big chunk of meat out of it. We all got to do it? Only one of you has to do it. I sprinkle blood over the otter. Oh my God. Oh my God. Ah, Jesus. Oh God. Pact made.

The back of the picture of Dennis Quaid resolves itself into a contract that says if anybody breaks the terms of the contract, which is specifically that the daddies will help you turn well actually back into scam likely. And in return, you will give them two favors at some point in the future. And if anybody breaks those terms, then you will have to rip each other's flesh off and eat it. It also says that if you get divorced, but you have twins, you each get a twin. You're not allowed to tell them about it.

Uh, cool. So now that we have a blood pact and no one can, uh, back out of it, uh, you should know that, well, actually he's a death tyrant. So let's go. Excuse me. And then Mark starts walking. Oh my God. My bad. My bad, Jodi. That's my bad. That's not me. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

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Too late. Yeah. I was going to say, do I get a long rest for getting popped in the head? Yes, you definitely get a long rest. Nicholas gets a long rest. I leveled up. I mean, I guess we all did, but I want to say it like I leveled up. Yes, everybody leveled up. Well, actually, like the way that the samurai would fight, they would never want to go against another opponent that hasn't at the top of their game. So I'm going to go ahead and do it. And with a sprinkling of fedora dust, you all feel your health and your spell slots come back. And it's basically just dandruff. Hey, Mark, real quick. What is a death tyrant? What is that?

Yeah, I guess I should tell you guys that. You know, he's got eyes that are kind of, they're not great, but...

They shoot stuff at you. You know. Okay. They could paralyze you or slow you or slap you around or make you go to sleep and stuff like that. You heal people, right, Henry? I sure do. That's something I'm good at. Yeah, that's not going to really work, probably. How do you mean? He kind of like splurts this thing out his eye and anyone that gets hit by it can't get healed. So you want to try not to get hit by that. You're going to help us fight this guy, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

In order to stop Payton from following us for combat, he quickly leafs through the coolest gunfight in some of all fears and is like, yo, just read this, Payton. Just read this.

Just sit here, read this. Read and learn. You'll be good. A couple hours. Reading's reading. That's what they say. Get a kid to read. Let them read. You're going to come back in two hours and Payne's going to be like, turns out America fucking rips ass. Turns out imperialism is the shit. Okay, yeah. Payne is sitting there reading Some of All Fears aloud to Nicholas, if that's what you would like. Oh!

Somehow Tom Clancy would be the perfect intersection of like what Narcalis would find like acceptable and paid in. That's perfect. He would be all pumped up about all like the gore and then Nicholas would be like, yeah, but like Ding Chao is like really honorable. He's really fighting for like what he believes in. Before we enter, I lean down and I bring Nicholas aside and I talk to him.

Hey, buddy, look, I know things are crazy, but we're going to need you to help look after Peyton again. Just stay back, and no matter what happens... I'm babysitting. I'm babysitting the weird knife boy. It's really dangerous in here. Someone read a book about it, and apparently it's bad, and books are always true, so we should probably...

Put you in a place where you're not going to get damaged. So just wait it out in there and please just be careful, all right? Okay, Dad. And he puts an extra emphasis on Dad like he's trying to convince himself of something. Love you, son. Love you, too. Love you, too. Love you, too. And then Peyton goes, hey, check this out. Sub of all fears. Sit down. And he taps the floor next to him.

You head into the Eastern Passage and you see a large throne of books and like Doctor Who memorabilia and like a bunch of sort of samurai swords that were clearly bought at a mall. A bunch of like ironic t-shirts that are like... Six first editions of the six cancelled Doctor Seuss books. These are collector items now. Well, actually is sitting on

a throne, just drinking some Mountain Dew gamer fuel and rereading a copy of Fight Club. Rereading. Rereading. As he sees you come in and he goes, well, that's,

That's a lot of you. That's the last time you're going to see anybody come. I'm done. I'm done. I'm fired. Are we going to get rowdy? Because if we're going to get rowdy, we should probably roll initiative. I think you guys have been really fast and loose with initiative rolls in the past, and I think it's time to put some hard structure down. Oh, my God. Well, actually, you're not a dungeon master. You're just an asshole. Where are you right now?

Oh, no. Jody walked right into that one. So, Jody, take a D12 of psychic damage. Wow, I rolled a 12, by the way. Just to say everyone knows. Mark's going to shapeshift into...

A recognizable rendering of the 10th Doctor, but going into like an American phone booth. Oh my goodness. Oh my God. And she's going to go like, I'm the Doctor. Here I go in my Bardus. And like walk in. And Will actually doubles over. It's not an American phone booth. It's not an American phone booth. It's not called the Bardus. Hey Tulip, do you want to come with me?

That's not her name. Her name was Rose. It was the time in Rose's Dimensions. Oh, no. A small egg. He's so small, I'll squish him with my sonic hammer. Yeah, and then I'll go join my friends, the slippers, and I give Mark likely a thumbs up with my bad sliders reference because I think that Doctor Who is part of sliders. Daryl looks at her and goes, yeah, I'm the doctor, and I throw an axe at her.

Okay, roll your attack. Why are we throwing axes? 20. Oh, yeah, a 20 will certainly hit. What's the damage? It's only four. Four, okay. But is this my action so I can attack twice as per barbarian? Yeah, go ahead, go ahead. Army of two. Jesus Christ. Another 20. Okay.

And then damage. So four damage plus, there we go, 14 damage. 14 damage altogether? No, so 14 plus four, 18. Now it is time for everyone to roll initiative. That's a good first hit, everybody. Congrats. 10. I rolled a 21. 18. I rolled a 14. I got a six. And then 18 for Freddy.

So we're doing the thing now where we're just going to have a slot where anybody can take their action. It's not specifically determined who does what by what you rolled. So three of you can go before. Well, actually, and then three of you after. Well, actually, which is fairly clean. And also just mechanically, whenever you want to, you can try to cast the ceremony spell and

but I'm going to give you bonuses to your roll depending on how much health well actually has left in his HP pool. It's impossible to do it right now, right? Right now, you're going to have to beat a 20. If you do some more damage, that DC will get lower. I want to do a quick examination of the ray skin and the katanas that he has. The ray skin? Yeah, that's right, motherfucker. Let's go. I don't know what that is. It's a ray skin. For the grip, they use sting ray skin. Oh, on katanas. On true katanas.

in order to give you good grip. Oh. But you said that he bought them at a mall. Yes, correct. Which means that he's likely using plastic molded. Yes, without question. That is, you don't even have to roll for that. You could just, I feel like Glenn would just inherently know from a distance that he has shitty plastic wraps on the katanas. And so I say, I'm surprised you went for cheap mall katanas over actually well-made steel. Okay, go ahead and roll. I feel like that's intimidation.

Oh, no. I don't think I have a good modifier on it. Yeah. Yeah. 14 plus 18, 32. What?

I didn't even know you could roll that high. How do you have a plus 18 to something? Oh my god. Plus 14. I had 18 plus 14, 32. What? Is that good or is that... Yeah, no, that'll do it. It's just like golf where you want the lower number. Oh my god. So he took a d20 of damage for that because a warrior's sword is his soul and you just insulted his soul? Oh my god. And he took 19 damage from that. Ooh. Mark's gonna yell out,

Don't kill him. Just get him weak. Just weaken him. Too late. I don't know the meaning of weaken him. So you took your turn, Glenn, which means that he gets to take a legendary action. So basically, he has three of these between the end of his turn and the start of his next turn, where just after somebody takes a turn, he just gets to do something. And so in this case, he is going to roll a d10 to get one of his random I-beams to fire off. So he...

the telekinetic ray at you, Glenn. Give me a strength to save. You're going to try to beat a DC 17. Three plus one, four. I do not. Okay, so with a four, he gets to move you 30 feet any direction and you are restrained by the raised telekinetic grip until the start of the Death Tyrant's next turn or until the Death Tyrant is incapacitated. He's going to move you 30 feet next to him as he unsheathes his blade. Uh-oh. And he says, actually, I think you're going to find out just how good Maul Steel can be.

Ooh, nice. Glenn rolls his eyes and goes, yeah, sure, go for it, dude. Maul Steel starring Hugh Jackman. All right, so we have two other people who can go before Will, actually. Okay, what if I roll Perception just as a passive sort of little free, just for funsies? Yeah, do it.

Well, there's a fight going on. There's a fight going on. I got an 11. Okay. So what are you trying to perceive? Like, I'm just going to be transparent about my long con here is like, I'm trying to sort of see like what his interests are so that maybe I could like, talk him into like, that's actually, you're not really reading fight club. Like that's like a new book. Like, you know, I'm trying to make him feel insecure about his interests, I guess. Again, he's me in high school. So that's going to take zero effort whatsoever. No,

You can do pretty much whatever you want to make him feel insecure, and it'll probably work if you could just have a good dialogue role behind it. Wait, were you into mall ninja shit when you were in high school? I had a katana baby. Oh, man. He studied the blade. Ashley, I am so glad you're here for this specific battle. Well, I mean, yeah, yeah, nothing. None of this will be even remotely surprising. Ashley, he had a katana in your home? I think he had multiple. Are you surprised? Yeah. He wore a fedora.

We had two because we made movies. Like, we shot films and stuff and so it was a fun thing to have as a prop. It was all for showbiz. It was all for fun. Actually, tell the truth. Did he ever do that thing where, like, you draw the blade back along the sheet and it would go back? Yes, every time. How else are you supposed to put a sword back? I'm sorry, Freddie. How else are you supposed to put

a sword back in his shoe. Exactly. Wait, wait, Freddie, what are you doing? You definitely had katanas and airsoft guns. You don't know what an actual katana held was made of. That's because my good friend Daniel made an incredible video about how to tell a cheap mall katana from a $2,000 katana that I just watched. So I'm uniquely armed to fight Anthony in high school right now.

I recently found out that somebody I went to high school with listens to this podcast, so I'm not going to say jack shit about me in high school because it was so awful. Anthony, don't feel bad. I had multiple katanas and we used to put rubber cement on the katanas and on the ground and then light our blades on them.

Hell yeah. And then like, you know, you touch the blade to the ground and it whites the ground and the other person puts their blade into the ground. And then we filmed that shit because it was awesome. So yeah, don't make fun of this content. We should just find an empty parking lot and do that. That's going to be the first thing we do after pandemic's over. So I think that Ron sees well actually his forearms and says, yeah,

Well, you know, for somebody who studied the blade, I think you got kind of wimpy arms. It doesn't look like you're actually, you know, been in fights or anything. Maybe you watched them on YouTube or whatever, but like, yeah, you don't look like you actually know what you're doing there. Okay, so that is definitely an intimidation rule. We'll say this is your turn properly now that you're taking action against Swa, actually. So give me the intimidation rule. Oh, no. You hate to see it. It's an eight. Okay.

Yeah, and eight is not going to do it. And like he's like, oh, you just wait until one more person takes their turn and then you'll see how good I am with swords and shit. So he just flexes. Yeah, he flexes as far as you can. Yeah, and you cannot tell a difference, but you could definitely see he's exerting himself in some way. One more person can take an action before well actually takes their turn. All right. So Jody is going to step up and he is going to see that Glenn is an imminent danger from mall katanas.

And he's going to cast Magic Circle. Cast Kill Glenn. So what does Magic Circle do? I create a 10-foot radius, 20-foot tall cylinder of magical energy centered on a point on the ground that I can see within range, and glowing runes appear where the cylinder intersects with the floor of their surface, and I get to choose a creature, including undead, and it affects that creature in the following ways. They can't willingly enter the circle by non-magical means, and if they try to use teleportation or interplanetary travel, it has to do a charisma saving throw.

It has a disadvantage on attack rolls against targets within the cylinder and targets within the cylinder can be charmed, frightened, or possessed by the creature. So you are encircling Glenn with that? Yeah, and it's to protect him from the attack. Okay, so he basically has to move out of the circle to do anything super useful. Yeah. Okay, great. You do that, the circle encircles both him and Glenn and he goes, I was about to, I was going to do, and so he turns to you and he's going to once again take another legendary action and he is going to attempt to hit you with...

A slowing ray. Try a dexterity saving throw. Try to beat a DC 17. Easy. I was born to save against this. GG. Easy. I got a 13. That's a failed save. So you can only move half as far as you usually can. You would take you two full turns to get to within melee distance of Void, actually. And you cannot take reactions. And you can only take an action or a bonus action on your turn. Not both.

At the end of your turn, you can repeat a saving throw. Not on this turn, obviously, but when you succeed, then the effect goes away. Am I still allowed to take a bonus action now or that? No, now it takes actually. Yes, sorry. Yeah, this was still your turn. Sorry, that should have happened after your turn. So yes, you can still take your bonus action. Okay, I'm going to struggle against and go like, ah, ah.

ah, dang it, can't believe I'm doing this. And I'm going to point a hand at Glenn and cast Sanctuary, which wards him against attack until the spell ends. Anyone that targets him with an attack or a harmful spell must make a wisdom saving throw. Wow, okay. And if they fail that, they have to choose a new target or they lose the attack. Okay.

Dude, Jody's such a bro for this guy he hates. Jody's really good, I'm noticing. I'm noticing Jody's really useful in combat. Just putting that, yeah. Oh, I don't know. I mean, how many times have I really attacked anyone on the podcast so far? Think about it. So it is now Well Actually's turn, and he can feel the fact that you've cast Sanctuary on Glenn, and he's like...

you'll have to taste my blade another time. I go, oh no, it's like I'm a water bottle. I'm so scared. Amazing. So he is going to turn his gaze instead to, I'm just going to randomly pick somebody. First of all, he's going to put his negative energy cone. All of you are sort of standing next to each other. So I feel like you're all in the negative energy cone. You can't heal right now. We should have played this like a wow raid. Do not stand in the center. That's a fucking deep KP minus. So he's going to shoot three eye rays at...

Henry, bring it on. First one's going to be a fear ray. Give me a DC 17 wisdom saving throw. DC 17. NC 17. That's how hard you're going to get fucked right now. I like the idea that Henry is saying that in character under his breath. Yeah.

This podcast banned in seven countries. It also makes sense that like Henry does not watch porn. He just watches NC-17 movies because he thinks porn is problematic. So like that's where his thing goes. Saucy foreign erotic dramas for Henry and Mercedes. He's just watching Midnight Cowboy over and over. Everybody's talking now. Henry got a 28. Ooh.

You shake off that fear ray like it's nothing. But unfortunately, two more rays are coming your way. The next one is going to be a sleep ray. Give me another DC 17 wisdom saving throw. Sugar ray. That was right there. That would be a 26. Jeez Louise, and you don't fall asleep. Okay, the last one. Yeah, it's coffee this morning. Hits you with a petrification ray. Make a DC 17 dexterity saving throw.

Oh, I got a five. Okay, so you are turned into stone and you are restrained. Shouldn't that give him some sort of bonus? Yeah, I was going to say, now he takes on the HP hit points of a stone. But stone, and it's Henry? That's exactly what he's always wanted. You've activated my final form. Yeah, so he gets an erection. I don't know what he wanted to tell you.

- Henry should have to roll to see if he wants to leave stone form or if he's just gonna want to be in there forever. - Let me read this whole thing so you can understand the full mechanics here. So on a failed save, you begin to turn into a stone and are restrained. So basically your ankles are now stone and you could feel it crawling up your body. You have to repeat the saving throw at the end of your next turn. And if you fail at the end of your next turn,

then you are petrified until freed by greater restoration spell or other magic. Petrification is like a full-on, like, you're fucked, you're out of the match, you can't do anything. Oh, yikes. Bad stuff. First you were afraid, now you're petrified. Now you're petrified. Ah!

Nice, Jimmy. That's very good. Thank you. I'll be here all day. That was well actually his turn. So now three other people who didn't go in the first three groups can go. I want to ask before I do this to make sure I don't kill Henry. If I use Henry as a weapon, will he break? Well, he's not fully stone yet. It's just like his ankles moving up his shapely calves. And basically once his entire body is filled at the end of his next turn. He's like semi-

Yeah, he's semi. That's even better. So if I held him by the waist or whatever and I swung his legs into him. Hold him by the hands and then swing him. Yeah, like fucking Titanic. Don't you have like an axe or something? Well, no, because I threw the axe into him. He threw the axe. And if I use an improv weapon, everybody laughs and it's hilarious. We all agree, yes, you can use it. Take a suggestion from the audience. Yes, and? The yes, and I can grapple the target afterwards for bonus action is why. Okay.

Okay. Okay, yeah. If Henry consents to that, go ahead and give it a try. Yeah, go for it. You're going to hit him with my feet? Is that what's going on here? Joke's on you. He loves feet. I mean, they're pretty calloused, right, from all the broken stocks? Yeah, I step over to Henry and I explain what I'm going to do and I ask, do you consent to this? I say, yeah, go for it. Let's do it. Hit him with my feet, I guess. And I grab him by the hands.

And then I swing him like a mace over my head and I smack, well, actually in the face with his feet. So give me a roll. You're trying to beat a 19 AC. Man, the agony of defeat. Oh my God. Hopefully he might fucking be good at it. You get inspiration for that, Ron. Yay, thank you. That's a good one. That's a 23. 23 will beat his 19. Yeah. So what kind of damage do you do? It's too bad that he's got stone feet. They're probably not stinky Henry feet anymore. You'd get some extra damage for them.

Honestly, seeing my boy Henry turn into stone, you know, or starting to, honestly, I do rage. Obviously, I get mad. Seeing those beautiful feet turn into stone enrages. Oh, no. Okay, so I get plus three damage on this. Can you describe Henry's feet in detail? They're stone. Imagine the hobbit feet, but drawn like a gross close-up on Ren and Stimpy. That's what Henry's feet are.

Oh no. One of those Spongebob close-ups. And that like fucking foghorn like. Henry's feet would just look like rocks. Like they would just be all calloused. Yeah, it's not that much of a difference. I just used the baby feet thing again though. So like my feet are like baby's feet again after sloughing. Oh no.

No, not that again. Oh, God. You want a wiki feed? Four plus three, so seven. And I'm going to use my second attack. Okay. I'm just going to swing him over my head and continue the momentum. Okay. Hit him again. Oh, shit.

16. 16 will not do it. So you hit him once with the feet. You do a pretty good amount of damage. You swing around again for another one. But this time, Will actually is ready for you. And with his incredible reflexes, he goes, ah, and like steps slightly back and you miss. OK, but then I'm going to attempt to grapple him since I did my tavern brawler. Give me, I guess, a strength check. Does he look like normal? Well, actually, or does he look like a death tyrant, which is a big flaming skull? He looks like normal, actually. OK.

Oh my god, but he's wearing like one of those like dress slash Hawaiian shirts with like the flames on them. Oh, yes, yes, yes. That's a 23. My dress Tommy Bahama shirt. Yes. You grappled onto him. You were holding well actually. And now that your turn is done, he's going to use one of his legendary actions to go ahead and hit you with one of these eye beams. So I describe how I'm grappling him, which is like that intimate yoga pose where you face each other like face to face.

Like I'm just like bear hugging him, but we're both sitting down. So like those eyes are right in my eyes. Great. Okay. Yeah. It's definitely making him have some questions he's going to put off until his 20s. He's going to try to hit you with a fear ray. So give me a DC 17 wisdom saving throw. Try to beat that. Wisdom saving? Yeah. I don't think this is going to go well for you. 17. 17.

All right. So yeah, you managed to successfully resist the fearful urge to walk away from the peacoat wearing Watchmen blood pin on the lapel having well, actually. I don't fear Maul steel. That's what I say to him. Okay. Two more of you can go. I'll go. I didn't realize that well, actually is Anthony.

in high school. Yeah, fuck him up. Oh, no. Get his ass. Fuck him up. So Mark Likely is going to shapeshift into, well, actually, writing Half-Life fan fiction. Oh, my God. I'll have you know that predated high school for me. This is the version of you that did a sequel. Are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure this is the road you want to go down? Because there's a reaction that Will actually could have that you will not like.

What is it? Do it. Test the fate. Fanfiction.net. Well, actually, he's writing Half-Life fanfiction, but all the names are wrong, so it's like Gregory Freeboy. Can you read some of this fanfiction? What was the name of your fanfiction? It was called Nick Pudu Action Scientist. Nick Pudu Action Scientist. What?

I did this also when I was like maybe in grade school or junior high. So it's like, at least in middle school, weren't you? Oh my God. I found it. I found it. Oh my God. Another boring day at the black Mesa research facility. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Okay. Go ahead and roll. Uh, uh, uh, I'm just going to go ahead and make him take damage on that. I don't need to labor the point on that one. All right. So he goes ahead. He's dead. And the podcast is over and I'm leaving. Goodbye.

So Will actually takes nine damage at the sight of Nick Pudu, action scientist, coming into a realization in front of him. And he's immediately going to turn to you, Mark Likely, and use his reaction. Oh no. He opens up a very large folder that says games. And he opens up a smaller folder within that that says Final Fantasy VII. And he opens up a smaller folder within that that says fanfiction. And he double clicks on what the fuck is quote unquote LOL dot TXT on fanfiction dot net. Oh no! Oh my god!

Cloud, our hero, has developed an unlikely habit, dot, dot, dot, for someone like him. He's become infatuated with the internet. I think that's a critical against Sparkling. Thank you. Go ahead and roll a d20 of damage on that one, you fucker. Five damage. Five must be nice. Okay.

- No way! - Oh God. I fucking respect you, Anthony, I would drop dead. - I am going to cast Wall of Stone. A non-magical wall of stone springs into existence at a point you choose within range. The wall's six inches thick and component of 10 foot by 10 foot panels.

and each one must be contiguous with at least one other panel. So what I'd like to do is do a cask of Amontillado around well actually so that we can just trap him in this cone and then say mean stuff to him. I'm holding him. Here's the thing, though. Here's the thing. I have real bad news for you. This sounds like what we would call in D&D a classic Jez Ball situation. Oh, no. Oh, no.

This is brilliant. I'm having so much fun. So go ahead. You know what you need to do. Go ahead and get to level five for me real quick on that, and we'll make sure that you won't be blocking the ones that you want to. Are you just going to lock me in too? I'm hugging him. Well, that's what we're going to find out. If you can successfully get to level five, then you will get well actually, but not Daryl. Anything else, and they're both in there. All right. High speed, low drag. Here we go. Those are no stakes at all. He's like, oops, I didn't get to level five.

What it basically means is that every single one of his reactions and everything he does will be against Daryl. We have Cherish. For those of you who have bought merch from us in the past, Cherish was our merch coordinator and head of merch, so you probably got a package from her. She's recording Will as he attempts to play Jez Ball. Will, go ahead and commentate Esports Salad. I'm doing good. We're on level one. Level one's going well.

This is getting close. This is a sweaty game of jazz ball. I do not mind telling you. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. All right. Level one is down. So far, so good. Level two. Keep accommodating. That'll make it better. This will be poetic justice because I was dunking on Will on their Discord. This is where it separates the scrubs from the chubs. Do you want to be a scrub or a chub? I don't know what that means. There are big stakes here because Cherish says that she'll divorce Will if he doesn't get to level five.

Yeah, wait. Shrub does not sound drastically better than scrub. Fair enough. Fair enough. I really would rather not talk and focus on the game this time. We're at four balls. We've made it. We've made it to level three. How many lives do you have left? I'm on my first life. You'll be happy to know. Okay, you're probably going to be fine then. Nice. Get it. Level three's down. Level three's down. Cat jams in the chat, everyone. Come on, Will. You can do this. I don't want to be whatever that book is called where you're trapped.

I was going to say Kamali Cristo, but that's not what it is. Escapamatiato. Oh, I've got my first life lost on level four. This is getting rowdy. Oh, that's two down. Okay, I got to focus. Everyone shut up. This is where it happens. Oh, no. This is where it begins. Everyone shut the fuck up. I can read you some more of Ash's fan fiction to calm you down. No, that's all right. You want to pull up Nick Pudu really quick? Even superheroes die. A Batman Beyond fan fiction. No, that's not. It's a low blow. It's a low blow that has already been revealed. I got to separate. On the Hulu show.

Television show. Rock and roll the show. We've done this already. This is so stressful. Take off your headphones, Will. Just concentrate. You got this. Separate the balls and slowly take a little bit of territory. He knows how to win the game, Matt. Come on. The wall between the balls. And slowly jazz.

You know, we're harsh on Anthony, but Nick Pudu has 58 comments. It was pretty popular in its heyday. Oh, I just had a fucking clutch play. Clutch play. Biggest fan says, rock on, Anthony. Badass fan. You used your real name? What a fucking flex. Woof.

All right. Level, do I have to beat level five or do I have to get to level five? You must beat level five. We're on level five. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. You got this, Will. This is for all the marbles. Thank you. Little Jimmy reviewing Nick Pudu says, ha ha, this is so funny. All the movie lines and Nintendo lines are a classic. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Why did I become a professional writer? Because there really doesn't get any better feedback than that. It's a soft puppet. He wrote his own review. All right, that's level five done. Yes. All right. Done. Fuck you. Will fell down and hit himself with his own microphone. Leave me in my shame, honey.

Will just kicked the microphone into his own face. He has a real rock star move. Big special thanks. Everyone give a hand to Cherish, the videographer of my Jez Boss skills. Oh my gosh. He's the best. Will, are you okay? Is your face okay, Will? Is yours okay? He just rocked it up by destroying level five in Jez Ball.

Because Henry got there on the perfect line, a line of stone slabs erupts from the ground and separates, well, actually from Ja Rule and splits them. And it completely encircles him. And basically, he cannot move anywhere without trying to climb over the walls, I assume. And he's basically he's a simp in a barrel. Oh, man. I'm about to just like grape crush him. Just like get in there and just stomp on him.

Now it is back up at the top of the initiative. Does he have any anime figurines? Does he? Yes. Ashley, what kind of anime figurines does Will actually have? He would have...

almost exclusively Samurai Champloo ones. Yes. There's a Mugen. There's a Jin. He doesn't have the one of the girl. He doesn't? You love Fu. He didn't want it to be creepy. So I want to take one of his new in box Samurai Champloo anime. That's all of them, baby. I'll pick one at random. Go ahead and tell me which one I pick, Anthony. All right. So you get Mugen. Call it Spike Spiegel when you destroy it. Ooh, that'll get him good. I'm going to walk up next to the box.

And I'm going to open it within earshot and go like, what's this like Spike Spiegel looking Japanimation character? Oh, whoops, I dropped it. Oh, God. Can you open it so that you can't like put the tape back on? Like you purposely tear the paper off the top? Yeah, the box gets torn up. Oh, God. That's great. I feel bad. I'm going to be honest. This feels bad. I feel like I'm bullying someone. I don't like saying that. This got too real. We literally just shoved him in a locker, basically.

Don't go in my room anytime. It's fine. It is me. I fully consent to it. We can't get canceled over this. I'm fine with it. It's literally made. I feel bad, though. Will, you're right. It does. It feels like we're bullying someone. I'm thinking about my toys now. This is like when we trapped the guy in the wall and had to execute him all over again. I gotta stop trapping people and things. It makes the combat so fucking hard.

up and it's really fucked up he tried to murder us all he's hearing you do is mess up his dumb anime figures this is nothing the last time this happened you shot a man in the face and you killed him in front of a child this is a nerd losing his ebay stock this is nothing hashtag tbt well actually it's gonna hear that and you hear him go no no no it was nip it was nip and he takes 14 damage you in box he can only shoot magical eye rays at people that he can see so he can't do anything with his reaction oh my god

Two more of you can take your turn. I'd definitely throw the box, the empty box, over the walls. I'd be like, hope you had your receipt. Oh, no.

The wall is 10 feet high. I can throw a box over 10 feet. I have to crumple the box first, though, probably. The weirdest Freddy Bragg of all time. I mean, you reach up, you're already six feet tall, you jump, you're talking about like a three-foot toss. That's nothing. So Ron has a feat called Actor, plus one charisma, advantage on deception performance when trying to pass yourself off as a different person. Okay, so Ron is going to assume the speech and the words of...

His wife, Samantha, who's a therapist. Yes. He's going to say, well, it seems like you care a lot about those action figures and stuff like that. But why do you care so much about that if you're really not sending some of that love to yourself? It seems like you're kind of hiding behind the...

facade of things that you think are cool and masculine without really taking time to appreciate who you are. So go ahead and roll. I feel like that's persuasion. Maybe I'm going to burn my inspiration. No whammy, no whammy. Okay. Come on, run.

Oh my God. This like, I swear. You think this is the first time I've been to a therapist? You know what? You don't just get it right the first time, you know? It doesn't mean it's the wrong move. I think that Ron gets like, rolls bad in therapy. It's like, gosh darn it. Samantha would be so disappointed in me. Oh no. It reflects backward on you. Oh no. Oh God. Yeah. Oh, that's sad.

You hear, well, actually from inside go, I don't need to love myself because I love anime. And then it's kind of vibrating. Henry, inspired by seeing Ron do a therapist voice, goes up to Ron and says, no, Ron, he just, you got to break down those walls, man. Like, this is what he needs. We got to reach through to the person inside. You're doing a great job, buddy. And I pat Ron on the back and I cast guidance on Ron.

That turns me to a guidance counselor. Like, okay, so about your SATs, like, I don't know. You got to really shoot for the moon, buddy. I nudge Darul to carry me over to Ron so I can do this. And then I cast guidance, which means that Ron can roll a D4 and add the number to one ability check of his choice for his next turn. All right, so now at the end of your turn, go ahead and make a roll. Try to save from a DC 17 dexterity. Oh, shit. I forgot about this part of it.

Oh, I got a 21. Hey. Oh, great. So you could feel the stone at your feet become brittle and hard, and you can very easily flex your toesies and break free of the petrification. Yeah, this is not the first mud wrap for Henry's head on his feet, so he's able to bust those bad boys out. Okay. So Well actually is going to go ahead and try to climb up out of this cage you've made for them, which thankfully the walls are close enough that they can try to like- With those forearms? Yeah.

Think again. Yeah, it's not going to be great. It's going to take a pretty good roll, but let's see. Can I splinter sell it? Oh! They got a natural 20. Wow. Oh, he shows up behind one of us. Nothing personal, kid. Yeah.

Yeah, suddenly, Glenn, you notice something behind you, and you turn around, and he's there, and he goes, nothing personal, kid. And he stabs you with his Malkatana. What's great about this is there's two things. It could be nothing personnel, kid, or it could be Aerith from Final Fantasy VII. Oh, it should be the second one for sure. So, yeah, so what happens is you feel, so he got a 21, which I assume beats your AC. Yes. Dun-dun-dun-dun.

Everything goes quiet as maul steel penetrates your back and the white material pearl you had around your neck goes ding.

Oh, no. And you take 4d6 piercing damage. I took 7 damage. Oh, from 4d6? Wait, 4d6? Lucky boy. 1 plus 4 plus 1 plus 1. You guys can verify it. Damn. Lucky boy, lucky boy. Turns out maul steel ain't shit. All right. Two more people can take their turns. Since Will actually can see me now, I still look like him.

And I have a laptop in front of me, and I am writing my glowing review of The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword for the website that I write for, Bestruct Boyd. I forgot about this. You mean his four out of ten review? No, that was Twilight Princess. Oh, no, this one he loves. Oh, he loves it. Best Zelda game. No, no. He sees it and goes, I don't like Skyward Sword. Skyward Sword's boring. I thought this was Wind Waker. No.

No. Go ahead and roll. Roll something. Roll intimidation. 17. 17 will do it. And he goes. And he takes a D12 of damage. So he takes 11 damage. He is definitely bloodied, which means he has less than half of his original health points remaining. A rule is going to cast.

A spell he's had this entire time called Clairvoyance. You have the components, motherfucker. What do I need? A focus worth at least 100 GP. Yeah, I got some fucking shit worth 100 GP, Freddy. Specifically, a focus is in like an object, like a jeweled horn or hearing for hearing or like a glass eye for seeing. You do not.

have the components for this. He has Henry's crumpled up glasses in his pocket. Can he use that as a focus? Yeah, that's cute. Or my dad's watch that Grant didn't want. Okay, that's cute. Yeah. Okay, you can use either of those. I'll give that to you. Okay, I use clairvoyance and I just kind of sit in the corner. I just sit down and watch everybody else have all the fun and I put clairvoyance on and I make an orb that lets me hear

uh within one mile of where i am and i cast it so i can listen to uh paid and read some of all fears i just sit down i just listen that's perfect and also the casting time for that is 10 minutes which i believe is a hundred rounds of combat or something like that so i just sit down okay we'll be there they got it they're doing therapy this isn't day rules thing okay great

One more person can go, and then we're back to the top of the order. It's me. I'm, like, stuck in place, so I yell to Mark lightly. I'm like, Mark, what's his birthday? January 12th! I knew it! You're a fucking Capricorn, and you should know that I love astrology. Did you know that Capricorns are supposed to be nice and hardworking, but truly, the biggest part about them that I hate, that you embody to a T, you're smug. You're controlling. You think you're smarter than everybody else. You know who else was a Capricorn? Beth. Richard fucking Nixon. Oh my god. And you're worse than him. Right?

Everything you're saying is also hitting Beth very hard. The tricky day. All Capricorns listening to the podcast rolls psychic damage. Capricorns are one of the worst signs to date because of your damn smugness. And you're exactly that. Not that anybody would know. Is this just to damage him or are you trying to roll for ceremony? So I'm going to try and cast a ceremony on you. Yes, you have to beat a wisdom check of DC 20. And if you're successful, but it's not 20 anymore, it's going to be lower than that. So just go ahead and give me a wisdom check.

Wait, I have to touch you, though. You have to touch me, and he has to be willing. Heaven forbid. And he's not willing, but in his heart he is. He doesn't know that he is, but there's a part of Will actually that knows he doesn't actually enjoy being Will. Actually, he would prefer to be scammed, likely. Just because I have to touch you, I'm pretty far away. I feel like you slowed me. Henry runs up to Darul and says, Tom Clancy's no good. You got to stop listening to some of all fears and help us some of all asses to kick. And I slap him across the face.

And then I say, you got to throw Jody so he can touch well actually and change his alignment. I like amble up to you slowly. The feeling of being a Goliath on the mountains slowly fades away as he remembers his love of American patriotism and Ding Chavez and John Clark. And he picks up a cop. He picks up Jody, a protector of the peace. And he throws him.

At a nerd. Okay, so I'm hurtling through the air and as I crash down and my hand touches you, I will in real life roll a wisdom. Ooh, I got a six. You got wisdomed. Yeah, I did. I'm like,

I'm a whiz sub now. Yeah. Yeah, you try to grab on and you try to change what's inside. Well, actually, but it ain't coming out that easily. He struggles. He goes, no, I like being angry all the time. And he like pushes you, but you're still holding on to him. But he tries to push you away. And so he breaks the ceremony spell. Okay, so I'm going to see Jody fail to do it. And I'm going to strut up finally. I mean, honestly, you saw me do something really cool. You have no idea if it actually failed because I did land on the person. I lay a hand on Will actually.

And I say, sometimes it's confusing. Everyone says you're something that you're not. And sometimes you got to just look inside and be who you always were. I'm going to roll. You should say a dad. What? No, not dad. Shut up, Jody. What the fuck are you talking about? You were a dad. He goes, a dad. Wait, I was talking about me. Oh, shit. I was projecting. I was projecting.

Do I have inspiration anywhere? What? You got a one? You got a one? How does it always... He has a minus one to his check, so he rolled a two. I thought he rolled an 81. I absolutely do not have inspiration. Oh my god. No. I got two minus one. Henry runs up to Glenn and Jody and says, don't you see? He's too powerful for your separate magic, but take it.

but together. And then I grab their hands and I put their hands together and I say, together, you can cast it and change his heart because the two of you together can do anything, like raise a beautiful son. All right, Jimmy, you and me, one word at a time, have to convince Anthony as a high schooler to let go of his ways. You can just roll with advantage. You can just roll a T20 with advantage. Why would we listen to you when we are united in our quest to make you a better person? This is going to go so bad for you. Well...

Actually, it's time for you to think about the consequences of being such a dumb motherfucker. And come. What? To your senses before.

We kill the only... He handed you at the end of the sentence on a plate and you decided to say the...

I'm not a friend at the end of this fucking bad list. He didn't know who Jody is. He prepared it and played it for you and he tossed it out of his fucking hands and said, but. It's out of character. Jody would not say kill you. The only, I thought only, Daryl holds the axe and keeps getting ready to like be the threat like behind it, but then just like, he was like, I guess not. No. Okay. The only remaining piece of your original soul. And then insane. What?

Shut the fuck up! Just shut up! I have to have the last word. Yeah, this is what's gonna kill you. This is what's gonna get you killed. Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it. You two have proven you can't work together. Fuck, what's the sentence leading up to now? We could kill the only remaining part of your soul that you have collected in this place.

Period. What? That was two words. That was the end? Glenn said motherfucker. That was two words. All right, all right. Here's what happens. You two have fought during that. You did such a bad job. I will get you a ceremony roll, but it doesn't have advantage. You just get the ceremony roll. Do we both get to roll and combine? No. One of you gets to roll. Why the fuck did I go to this? Why did I go to this? Why did I think...

Why? First pick. First pick, I went to these guys. God, I'm so fucking stupid. I'll do it since I don't have minus one to my wisdom because I'm not a big dum-dum. I rolled an 11. It's not an 11. Oh, my God. Fucking just kill him. Kill him. No!

Glenn, you gotta do it. There's one more action that somebody can take before. Well, actually takes their action. Daryl was just trying to listen to some of all fears. So now Daryl is just going to take an ax and he wanders over and he fucking hits him twice with an ax right in the head. Okay, great. Give me some rolls. And while he's slashing, he's not even looking at, well, actually he's looking at Jody and Glenn and he goes, I'm very disappointed in you two. Oh, we have to take psychic damage for that. Yeah. Both of you take a D eight of psychic damage. That's very good. Uh,

11 plus 3 and then a 14 plus 3 so 17 so 28 damage okay I take 5 psychic damage for Daryl dressing me down now if you don't mind I'm gonna go back to my show and he sits back down and starts listening to some of my fears

You two kids get your shit together. All right. So he is now like in critical condition. You only have to beat a 10 now in order to ceremony away his alignment. Does he take a turn though? He does take a turn now. So he is going to go ahead and look at the two very hateful sons of bitches in front of him. And he's going to use his eye rays on you. So...

One, two, three. I do like the idea that the two of you were still holding hands the entire time. Yeah. Oh yeah, definitely. No, it could not be more perfect that you two, Jimmy Wong and Freddie Wong could not work together to do that correctly. Meanwhile, Ash and I are like, fine. Yeah.

Jimmy, go ahead and try to make a DC 17 wisdom saving throw. Oh my God. Glenn, go ahead and try to make a DC 17 strength saving throw. I rolled a 12. I rolled an 11. Okay, so both of you fail. So Jody, you become charmed by the death tyrant for one hour.

And Glenn, you again get telekinetically pulled right next to him. I mean, you're already right next to him. But he basically starts force choking you. And he goes, if this is a consular ship, where's your ambassador? And then he is going to, with his final eye beam, he's going to try to hit you, Glenn, with a death ray. Oh!

You have to succeed. They're the only people that can do the spell. You have to succeed on a DC 17 dexterity saving throw or you take 10 D10 necrotic damage. And if you get down to zero hit points, you die. Can I just try to fucking throw my stealthy body in front of that? Oh, yeah. Go ahead and do that. Give me a dexterity roll. Okay.

Yeah, I got a natural 20 dexterity, 23 dexterity. Oh, shit. Whoa. Let's go. Okay, so you successfully jump in the way of the disintegration ray. No, Ron. So go ahead and roll 10d10 necrotic damage, Ron. Holy shit. I guess I didn't know it was that much. I'm going to use spirit shield as a reaction to reduce that damage of another creature within 30 feet by 3d6.

Okay. I block seven. So with seven blocked, you take 58 damage. In one hit. That was Well, actually turn. Somebody else can now take a turn. I'm going to now put my hand on. Well, actually one more time and say,

This isn't you, man. I don't know who you are. I'm confused who I am at this point. My whole life, I was a dad to my kid. And now I got out of jail and I come out and I realize that the whole world changed around me. My kid's someone else. How am I supposed to be a dad to a kid who doesn't even want me as a dad anymore? But you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to try and do the best I can for this kid no matter what. Even though if he can't, I still remember. I still love him.

and you need to come back and be who you are too. Scam ass motherfucker because your brother owes me some favors and I'm about to cash in. I go, well, actually you haven't been a father your whole life. And I punch Jody in the teeth. And I punch Jody in the teeth. Yeah, with your turn instead of casting the spell you punch Jody. No, no, no, I

I got hand one hand on there and then my left my super strong left arm you can choose one of the two and if you don't punch Jody you're getting disadvantage on this role amazing I'm the best character if I don't punch Jody I get disadvantage still if you don't punch Jody if Jody is this close to you holding on to you and is charmed for well actually you are taking disadvantage on your attempt to cast this spell okay so you know what it is I'm just gonna hum to myself under my breath I'm not gonna punch Jody I'm just gonna grit my teeth and

And I'm going to try and cast Ceremony one more time. All right, disadvantage. Take the worst of two rolls. Roll number one. Five. Yeah, that's pretty bad. That's not going to do it. That's not going to do it. So now he is going to take a legendary action, and he rolls to use an I-beam, and he gets the death ray again. He's going to point it at Ron again. Ron, give me a DC 17 dexterity saving throw.

It's 27. Wow, another daddy 22 in a row. Yeah, it makes up for all the stupid bullshit roles I've been getting. Really hurting my feelings the last few days. I mean, it fits. Ron's better at avoiding things than therapies. It really does, yeah. He's still got tears streaming down his face. I'm not a good therapist. So you managed to deftly dodge out of the way

of his death ray, and he begins to charge up to your horror another. All right, one person can take their turn. Oh, here we go. I cast Greater Restoration. So you imbue a creature you touch with positive vibes, very Henry, to undo a debilitating effect, one effect that charmed or petrified the target. So I touch Jody and cast Greater Restoration to remove his charm. All right, so Jody, you are no longer charmed for well, actually. Okay. Oh my God, for the love of God, just pass the spell! Pass the fucking spell! All right.

Mark shouts. He's laying on the ground. He's so bored now. He's just like, pass it! As Henry touches me and I break out of it, I turn to, well, actually, and I say, well, actually, I'm the only one in this dang party that can do anything. And I touch him and I try and cast ceremony once again. That's how you're 12, motherfucker!

All right, a 12. With a 12, his fedora begins to vibrate. And then with like an anime, like two frames of animation, it's like there. And then it's like, and it like shatters. It cracks. It cracks. And then it goes into nothing. And like, he feels up on his head like, oh, no, no.

And you see, as he begins to, like, double over in pain, his head begins to, like, deform and change into a different... You can't make out any features, but you can make out a very large mustache appearing on its face that gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And the mustache jumps out of the face and begins to, like, grow its own legs while the main form of flesh that it was, like, turns into basically an image of Benedict Cabbage Patch, who you've seen before. And the mustache grows four little legs, and it goes...

Sorry about all that. And Mr. Mustache is back. So that's what an omniscient person would see. What all of you see is very initially confusing because the second that fedora shatters, the second that snaps, with the exception of Mark Likely, all of a sudden, you thought you were looking at

Well, actually, and Glenn Close and Jodie Foster from like a particular angle. But all of a sudden it's like they jump across your view. Like they just like are not where they were. And then you realize, no, I'm not where I, I'm like looking at them from a different angle. It's like a weird jump cut. Everything about it feels weird. And each of you look down. The body that you're in. Oh no. Is not. Oh no. Your body. No. You look down and you have swapped bodies with your fellow. Oh.

Daddy, something happened with the spell. The blowback of it has caused you all to shift bodies. Oh, my God. While you're dealing with that, you hear a familiar voice say, well, well, well, if it isn't old me, your very good friend, the scamb likely. It's time to learn about each other. I'm going to go leave with my sister slash brother.

Away! And he rips a tear into the fabric of time and space and gestures for Mark Likely to join him and leaps into the void. It's gonna be all right. It'll be all right. Cause that's just life. Even if you die, it'll be all right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. Cause that's just life. All you do is try. It'll be all right.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. And Jimmy Wong as Jodie Foster. Special guest Ashley Burch as Mark Likely. Our theme song is Alright by Max DenWaller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Special thanks to all of our patrons, folks like Eric H., Elliot Johnson, Michael Murkovic, Justin Panik, Benjamin Lee, Nick T., Alan Clark, Jennifer A. Haben, Preet Marwaha, RedPanda17, Joseph Larios, Aaron Smith, Richard Salgado, Spencer Darby, Laura Green, Nick,

Talyn VA, Catherine Darnall, Philip Perez, and Eli Broide. These are the folks that keep the lights on. Episode 1 of Gungans and Daddies All That Jizz is out. This is our Star Wars miniseries stretch goal available to all of our patrons played in the Edge of the Empire system. Episode 1 is called Some Like It Hot. We all play aliens and droids. I play a droid named B-33F-H1-M-B-0 or Beef Himbo.

Check it out. It is a Star Wars-y good time. You will definitely want to be there, by the way, for when episode two drops very soon, as it is the hardest we've laughed while recording anything. It is truly the horny comedy high watermark. So you don't want to miss out on that one. It's available only at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.

Check out our merch at bit.ly slash dadmerch, all caps. Follow us on Twitter, DungeonsandDads, reddit.com slash r slash DungeonsandDaddies. Thank you so much for listening. Our next episode drops April 20th after Tax Day. Make sure you get all the paperwork in. We'll see you then. There was a time you need between to know they never brought you down. Never brought you down.

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post dude hey can i tell you about the one i just got bro i just got a whiskey nosing kit it's like you could burn stuff and get your nose up to date with whiskey dude i got i didn't just get a fucking gift i got opportunity they gave me the reason finally a fucking reason to buy two

fucking watches because I got check this out I got a little drawer that's got two little poles on it to hold watches and then an acrylic cover to protect those watches and I got it I was like this is the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen I don't have watches but I need watches was it in black or mahogany it was a

It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

It's incredible. I don't think I'll ever wear those watches, but I'm looking at them every day. When you become a member, you have access to stellar discounts across a plethora of products. We're talking about 30% off or more sometimes. Plus, with each Box of Awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand. Free to sign up, skip a month, or cancel any time. Get 15% off your first box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code DUNGEONS at checkout. That's BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS for 15% off your first box. BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS.

Whoa, easy there. Yeah.

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