Ep. 57 - Heroes of Moat and Magic
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To make switching to the new Boost Mobile risk-free, we're offering a 30-day money-back guarantee. So, why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T-Mobile? Because you have nothing to lose. Boost Mobile is offering a 30-day money-back guarantee. No, I asked why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T-Mobile. Oh. Wouldn't. Uh, because you love wasting money as a way to punish yourself because your mother never showed you enough love as a child? Whoa, easy there. Yeah.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Why are you doing this, Jody? Glenn, my programming directive is to become the dad of Nick Close. But I am the dad of Nick Close. I request elaboration. You are familiar with the thought experiment "The Dad of Nicholas in the Field of Identity for the Physics"? Naturally. Nicholas is the son of Jody Foster, a demon sent back in time and across dimensions to become Nicholas's dad. I am Jody Foster.

Nicholas is the fruit of my nut. Therefore, I am the dad of Nicholas. But Nicholas existed before you became his dad. He is the fruit of my nut. Therefore, I am the dad of Nicholas. Both are the real dad. Neither are the real dad. Except for me, I am his real dad. No, I am his real dad. He came from my nut. He came from my nut! Perhaps the nut is the memories. The moments shared between father and son.

Perhaps they are what makes a dad. But Nicholas does not remember you, you colossal dipshit. That makes me his dad. I win. I'll kill you! Incorrect! It is I who will kill you! What was that? We've switched bodies once again. No matter whose body I am in, I am still the dad of Nicholas. I am the dad of Nicholas. I am the dad of Nicholas.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, sometimes a BDSM podcast, sometimes a podcast where other people introduce the podcast. It's about four dads flung from our world into a forgotten realm of magical fantasy and wonder on a quest to rescue their lost sons. I'm Will Campos, man, and I play Glenn Close. The Christmas cover band rocker bar dad of the group. Whoa, pretty crazy.

My Glenn fact this week, we're not going to do any opening banter. You know, I realized I'm usually the one who interrupts Freddie in the middle of his thing because I'm so desperate to be funny and get attention. But now no one's interrupted me. It just, no one even knows that anyone else is on the podcast. You kind of interrupted yourself. I had,

You as Will came in and interrupted you as Freddy. It was like, I was like, something's wrong. I need to say something. Oh no, I'm already saying something. I think we were all just seduced by your like initial out the gate Glenn energy. Like, I mean. It's a new Will over there. It's a new Will, baby. It's a new day. My Glenn fact is that at age 24, Glenn was abducted by aliens. Yeah.

Glenn was abducted by aliens and had a mind-blowing extraterrestrial adventure, woke up two weeks later in the desert, and chalked the whole thing up to a bad acid trip. So he does not know he's been abducted by aliens. It's pretty wild to be like, that was a bad acid trip. What happened to the previous two weeks? I mean, Glenn parties pretty hard, Glenn. I mean, Glenn, Freddie. Oh, no. Oh, no.

We're just going to breeze by the fact that I canonically established that there's aliens in our universe. Aliens exist. Yeah, but we already knew that. So what's the point? Honestly, bless you. I mean, that he believes so. I guess it kind of isn't that exciting. Yeah, we're in a magical fantasy world where there's dragons and shit. Like, you think aliens are going to faze us at this?

point? This is what Blake Snyder would call double mumbo jumbo, which is when you have two separate things in your Blake Snyder? Save the cat, dog. Get it together. Spare the child. Okay, my name is Freddie Wong and I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. Oh wow, this is good. Very good. This week's Daryl fact, Daryl loves the films of Roland Emmerich.

Oh. He saw 2012. Freddie, you're doing too much Matt and you're doing a Matt fact. You're supposed to be Daryl here. That is very Matt. He loved 2012 because, as you remember, it's about a guy driving a limousine, saving his family. Saving his family, right? And he secretly thinks that the Statue of Liberty play should be renamed the Independence Day play because it's just, you know, humanity's one last shot to take down the UFO, you know? Nice.

Wow, he thought about this. I did not think about mine. That's good. Anyway, so that's me, Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. Hi, Daryl. Nice to meet you, Daryl. Hello. Hello. I'm Catholic. He does say that a lot, to be fair. It's his catchphrase, practically. That's his catchphrase. Yeah. I'm the Catholic one. I'm the Catholic one. Hi, guys. My name is Jimmy Wong, and I play...

Henry Oak. Terrible. It's like Henry's in the room with me. Shit, I thought there was two of ya. Granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie druid dad. I'm the official voice actor, just so you guys know. How dare you, sir? How dare you? Fun fact about Henry, he unironically, unashamedly, really does truly enjoys the smell of his own farts.

Yeah, that sounds about right. That's it. That sounds about right. Literally in my head, I'm like, I'm in this picture and I don't like it. Why does Henry enjoy the smell of his own farts, Jimmy? Well, because it's a natural part of your body. You should love everything that comes from you, good and bad.

You know, my therapist taught me about this a long time ago, which is we really love to just hate certain things. And if you think about it, we are truly our own worst enemies. So why not take something that is typically seen as bad and embrace it as good? Yeah. I think that's just a really wonderful way to bring healing about and just

to feel a little bit better about yourself especially when you have a really nasty fart oh my god you're right so you're telling me that henry like in the relationship like just right out the gate it's just like we're just gonna test this one right here just skip that awkward grace period where everyone's kind of holding it in oh mercedes loves a good dutch oven oh wow wait that cannot be true that is more unbelievable than freddy being kidnapped by aliens there's no way don't despoil mercedes oh it's true

Hey, everybody. This is IRL dad Matt Arnold playing fictional dad Ron Stampler. Nice. A little dad fact about Ron is that he's actually never farted. Okay. Yes. Just like his mama. Well, actually, it's just because he thinks farts are invisible poops. So that's what he tells himself. Never mind.

I take it back. Oh my gosh. Wait, Matt, I like the one that you pitched me. My other dad fact was that Ron thinks all eggs are just eggs. Like he doesn't, they're all eggs. There's no different types of eggs. That's really good. It's just a surprise that they happen to mostly be chickens. That's really good. That's fantastic. Doesn't connect them to chickens at all. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Jodie Foster. Cop. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't even see what Ross Sampler was. Also, fun fact about Jody. I've got like two that I feel pretty good about. Outside of his highway patrol job, Jody Foster has never used an abbreviation in his life. Writes Wednesday out.

out all the time in a calendar it's like every single month there is nothing abbreviated he doesn't write aren't he writes are not day no no no no no birthday birthday you don't have to say be right back he calls birthday the b word it's like i can't another fun jody fact is that he has the world record for most box tops for education cut out

Ever. Doesn't that seem like it? Yeah, I was like. That's a good one. Hell yeah. He's never figured out where to turn them in. He just has to. He's like, someday. I like that. That's very wholesome. Yeah, it's wholesome. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. It's been a while since I did a Wreck Me Daddy, so I'm going to wreck you daddy today. You've only done it once beforehand.

Yeah. Nice, nice. So I'm going to recommend, there is an amazing story that Freddie sent me, actually. It's a short story. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is very good. It's called Lena, L-E-N-A, and it's by an author called QNTM, QNTM. So just Google Lena QNTM, and it's one of the best sci-fi short stories I've ever read in my entire life. Very spooky. It's very spooky. It's got amazing implicit horror in it where you like-

see something that seems completely innocuous and then your brain works on it for another second. You're like, oh, wait, and it's the worst thing you've ever heard. That same writer has also worked on the Antimemetics Division, which is an SCP short story series. And I didn't know any SCP stuff at all. And I read that and it like completely consumed my weekend. There's some great hidden stuff on SCP. SCP is notoriously the sane clown posse. Oh, yes. Oh, God.

Can we do a quick daddy wreck? Nice. Me. About your dad. Yeah. About our dad. Our real life dad. Jimmy and I, our real life dad. We have one. We do have a real life dad. He just completed a book he's been working on for the past year. Year? More like eight years, dude. He's been working on forever. Some of all fears. It took him a long time to work his way through it. It's called Swimming to Freedom. It's about how he swam from China to Hong Kong to escape the Cultural Revolution. It's basically our family story. We've been trying to get him to write it for like years now.

So it just came out. It's a book. You can buy it. We'll put a link in the description. Check it out. It's a harrowing tale. It's very intense. He swam like six miles to get to Hong Kong to escape communist China. Meanwhile, I remember one time in college I got in the Olympic-sized swimming pool. I swam halfway. I got winded, and I got out and got a donut. So that gives you an idea of like – He swam to freedom so you could podcast Dungeons & Dragons Friday. That's right.

That's right. This podcast owes everything to this book. Yeah, to him. Someday, my firstborn son is going to have a Dungeons & Dragons podcast, and he will bring my secondborn son on as it gets dark. If he had thought that, then he would have stopped when he was swimming halfway through and then gone ahead and gone home and gotten a donut. And his secondborn son decided to make a Magic the Gathering

Podcasts. Your sons will be podcasting kings. It's a pretty book, too. I just found out, actually, that this is not the actual Kent Wong, but there is somebody, a little somebody on the cover with the great delts. Yeah, Beth was Myron the cover. I was. Beth needs to get outside. It's just half of a shirtless man. It's just...

A black and white shirtless man. And Beth is like, no, that's not true. That's an attractive, muscular man. Beth and I will just have to satisfy ourselves by being thirsty for the real Kent Wong, who is also extremely handsome. Yay. I'm your mother now. I don't think anything is going to be my physical feet. One time I biked to... Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jimmy. Are you okay? I just want to make sure you're comparing what you're about to say to what your dad did. Yeah, yeah. Okay, go. So...

Wait, what?

An ambulance had to come and I woke up in the booth looking around dizzy and they were like, are you okay? And I was like, you know, I think it's just because I didn't eat or drink or whatever. And they're like, okay, I just check in to make sure you're okay. And so I sat there and I ate my Dairy Queen burger and drink and I biked home and kept playing. Wow. Jimmy, I have never heard this story. I've never told it. Jimmy! No one did. Jimmy, that's so bad!

So bad! Yeah, no one knows I passed out at the Dairy Queen. That's so bad! That's the epilogue to Kent Wong's book. Yeah, that's it. Oh my god. That's why dad came to America, is for that moment alone. Holy shit, dude! Yeah, it was really bad. Oh my goodness gracious. Well, hopefully no one passes out today doing the podcast. I hope you all ate beforehand. I did. I did, actually. Cheers. Cheers.

To remind you of what happened last episode, you body swapped and in an effort to undo it, you heard that the two ways that body swaps can happen are basically somebody does it to you as a spell or a demon can do it intentionally to somebody to send them back in time or space. And you found out from Dee Snider, who turns out is Jodi's mommy, that

You found out that Jody is actually a demon who was shoved into the battleaxe of hatred and then sent back in time to basically marry Morgan Freeman and sire a son with her before Glenn Close could even really meet her. And as that was occurring to you, D. Snyder switched you back into your own bodies, except not really because D. Snyder doesn't know which body goes with which soul.

And so you were obviously once again in the wrong body. And we are going to, I guess, come in on all of you realizing that. Also, Peyton and Nicholas are still holding each other's ears. Whoa, what the frick? Oh, man. What the frick gets me every time. Let me do it again. Whoa, what the fuck?

Go. There we go. There it is. Nice. Jeez, you know, it's because of, ah. Oh, gosh. This is strange. Oh, gosh. Is this again? I haven't even, oh, my body's over there. I know I'm not in the right body. I can see it over there. Oh, gosh. Where's Jody? Where's that son of a bitch? Where's that bastard Jody? Okay, okay. Everyone calm down. Calm down. Dad, Peyton, where are you? Does somebody know who that woman was talking about? S-s-s-s.

Is that Jody and Ron's body? Yes, I am Jody. Okay, man. Well, like, look. Glenn, is that you, you son of a bitch? Yeah, it's freaking me. It's me. You freaking know. Guys, guys, guys, can we not fight right now? Can we just figure out a way back into our bodies and then we can fight after that? Exactly. We need to figure out a way back into our bodies. But first, we need to figure out who the hell that demon was insinuating. She's your mom, you freaking idiot. Did you listen to a single thing she said? Glenn, maybe she was talking about you. You're the demon who has stolen

my son thinking that you're Nicholas's dad when really I, Jodie Foster, am Nicholas's dad. As you say that, the bird that was on Jodie's body with Glenn's soul flies over to Ron's body with Jodie's soul and rubs its head against Ron's body's head. Wait a second. What's Nicholas Jr. doing hanging out on your shoulder? That's my rat. You stole my son. You stole my rat bird.

Payton, take your ears off. Payton, take your ears off. So you see Nicholas and Payton take their hands off of each other's ears and Payton looks up at all of you and goes, squeak, squeak. Squeak. And Nicholas goes, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk. Oh, wait, hold on. Oh, this is very bad. Jody, your son's a bird. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Okay, let's not jump to conclusions here. We don't actually know. Maybe they're just using code language. Where's my dad's son? Payton! You feel a rat... ...are on the ground and it climbs up your body and it goes... ...and it shrugs at you.

Oh, okay. Um, Peyton's here. Look, nobody likes this, right? Nobody. We would all prefer to be back in our own bodies, right? Yeah. Can we get some fucking pants on Henry? Damn. I mean, like I know we're all pretty chill and not talking about it, but I feel like everyone's staring at my dick right now. Can we figure this out? Doesn't scam likely owe us a favor or something? Can't we just call that asshole and get us back in our bodies? Henry, you have a dick. We all have dicks. I do have a dick. Stop.

bragging about your dick. I have a large dick and yes, I can see that Glenn's is not as large at all as mine. That mine is definitely larger. Can we isolate best like I have a large dick and that kind of enunciated...

I have been collecting over the last 56 episodes. I have a folder of like weird out of context clips because I want to do like a morning Zoo Crew episode where we just all play morning radio DJs and this will be on the soundboard and I can just trigger. There's some very funny out of context clips. Also, speaking of the pants of Daryl's body also immolate instantly because Ron's soul is inside of it. Oh, OK. Sorry, Daryl.

These are nice underwear, though. You know, I'm just going to take these off, too, just to be fair with Henry and take off the underwear. It just doesn't feel fair. I'll say. Why are you all looking at me? Stop. Stop looking at me. Somebody say something. I'm just going to go ahead and just look straight up, straight up at the top of the books here.

Does someone have a phone? Who has the Jody? Jody's body. Jody, give me your phone. Before we go forward, I think it's important for us to normalize each other's bodies. It's okay. That's fine, Henry. We can normalize later. Let's just get the phone and call the demon who owes us a favor. Just call Mark Lockley and then we can continue talking, okay? Jody's body. I guess that's going to be Henry in there. Henry, just reach into your pockets and give me the phone. You hear around you a very quiet whisper, but you hear it echoing from all the walls surrounding you and you hear, Whee!

We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We.

I'm going to roll perception. Yes, I'm a roll perception. OK, and that's going to be a nine plus one ten. OK, so with the ten, you can tell that even though the voice is echoing from everywhere, it has a localized source in this room with you. But with the ten, you're not going to know much more about that.

I got a 15 perception. Okay, with a 15 perception, you can tell that this voice is magically originating from Jody's phone. Whoa. There it is. Henry and Jody's body. Could you just answer that phone really quick? I'm just going to take this out now and I think it will be best. That's my phone. I should be answering that phone. Jody? I don't care. Just someone answer the phone. Could you fucking chill for half a second? Someone just answer the phone. You're a demon. If I

were a demon. If I were evil in any capacity whatsoever, I would have killed you a long time ago. Okay, well, you know... Okay, I'll just go ahead and reach over and answer to that phone then. So Daryl's gonna reach over and just answer the phone. So you hear, we... From everywhere. Oh, just let me just put this on speaker really quick. We have... We have been... We have been looking for you to discuss your car's extended warranty! Oh, boy. What's up, baby? Scam! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I knew you'd be giving me a little rig-a-ding. Oh, is this the Honda dealer? No, you know, I do my own oil changes, so I don't need to come in. It's not quite happy Honda days, but it's your friend Scam Likely who you thought had gone away. What's going on? Scam, where are you right now? Well, actually, I'm...

And as he says that, you can feel some wind from behind you and you hear a voice behind you saying, nothing personal, kid. And as you turn around. Jody turns and punches him. Okay, go ahead and roll an attack. So I got a 15. He just blasts.

barely dodges out of the way and the waft of air that you smell as his head very suddenly moves to the left has a hint of fedora musk to it little axe body spray just a tiny stuff of axe body spray whoa scam bro you seem like kind of messed up are you you doing all right man well at

Actually, it turns out I was sort of convinced that, you know, once you turn me back, it'd be me, your good old friend Scam Likely. But it turns out you can't go home again, as it were. So I feel, actually, I feel both personalities sort of fighting for privacy inside of me. You all know how it is. What do you want?

Yeah, so Scamp, really quick. I think your brother or one of your family, you owe us a favor, and we'd just like to be back in our own bodies again. Sure, one of your two favors I can absolutely spend. Who was that woman who said that I, I, Jodie Foster, a upstanding moral citizen, was a demon? Oh, that was your demon mommy, I bet. Let me get a good lick to be sure. Told you, idiot. Put your hand out for me.

The body of Henry, which is consumed by Glenn. The body of Henry with Glenn's soul in it. The body of Christ. Yes. Compels you. Compels me. Consumes me. Okay. I, Jody Foster. The hottest person on the podcast. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter. I grab Glenn, who is in... Henry's body. Henry's body. And...

I put his hand out and then my hand is also out too. Okay. Scam likely says, this will feel a little bit weird, but I promise you it's all good. And so he drags his tongue across the back of both of your hands. And Henry's body reacts the way that anybody's would when being licked by a stranger, which is to say not significantly. Okay.

You hear Scam likely say, like, ooh, tastes like someone hasn't washed their hands in quite a long time. Yeah, I'm trying not to think about that right now. But when the tongue drags itself across Ron's body, which holds Jody's soul in it, for a brief second, you see a flash of...

The reddest red you've ever seen. A flash of infernal hellfire lick up from the skin of Ron's hand. Oh, oh, oh, there, right there. Do you freaking see that? That's a demonic guarantee. There's a demonic soul inside that baby. Woo, you must be so happy. Demons can do all sorts of cool things. They're all in Glenn's body, just crossing himself. Oh, the power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. But enough of that. I'll get you all back into your bodies. What do you say? Lickety split. Bippity-bop.

Boppity, back into your buttity. That's pretty funny. And he snaps his fingers. All right, Matt, you're Glenn. Whoa, dude, this body is rad. Yeah. What the fuck? That bullshit. Fuck yeah. This is the hottest body I've ever been in. This is slander. This is slander, Matt. My bad, my bad. Bippity boppity.

Bippity boppity boop. Freddie, you were Peyton. Oh, this feels kind of weird. Oh, but my left arm is huge. Oh, I could do a one-arm push-up. Everyone step aside. I'm going to do a one-arm push-up. One. Okay, that's more than I've ever done before. Bippity boppity boop. Beth, you are Henry. Oh, gee. Okay, okay. Well, yeah. So, well, I guess we're all in bodies that we like. Oh, gosh. You turned into

Bata. Anastasia's alive? Anastasia's alive. Oh, gee, yeah, well, I hope that all creatures are alive, you know, if they're bats or, you know, whatever animated movie they are in, and we're animated too, you know, animated emotionally speaking, and so, yeah, I'm just happy to be here. Jimmy, you are Nicholas. Whoa.

Dad's so cool. I'm cool. gross Matt your Payton wow Oh, man, my voice sounds horrible Shibbity shabbity shoo Beth your Payton. I wish my body perfectly absorbed all moisture because this is what what body for ladies, baby Fuck my life. Oh my God. I'm dead inside kill me. He canonically said all that dick

all gonna do? Will, you're Peyton. Uh, yeah, baby, it feels like I'm jumping around quite a bit here. All the dads are kinda, I bet everybody, I bet everywhere, I'm an everywhere kinda guy. Limity, lovity, loo, Jimmy, you're Peyton. Oh, yeah, baby, this is what I'm talking about. I hear cops are the biggest dicks in the West. Oh, baby, let me check this real fast. Whoa! Alright, no, I gotta figure it out now. Daddy-dee-daddy,

And now everyone is actually back into their own bodies. I don't know. I still sound like Peter for some reason. What do you do my voice for? You think that's funny? You think that's what I sound like? I fuck you. You know what's weird? It's like Primer makes sense now. I think. I think.

I think I get it. Glenn goes like, am I back in my body? And then he goes like, let me count my abs. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. Okay, great. Yeah. Oh my gosh. What an adventure that was, huh? So Nicholas, his eyes are extremely wide and he says, what's all this about demons? My ears were covered when I was in that body, but then I was in the bird's body. So I heard all of it. Nicholas, son, whatever happens...

It's more lies. It's more craziness. It's more crazy talk. Okay, just trust me. I'm your dad. I've always been your dad. He goes, actually, it's all true. All true. Don't lie. You're a lie now. That's a lie. Nicholas, that's very important. We're going to get to that. I do want to find a pair of pants or something to cover myself with. And Daryl, I would suggest you do the same. Don't we all, you know? Oh, no, I got my underwear on now. I'm just going to do a quick perception roll to see if there's anything I can do to cover my nudity.

Okay. My below the belt nudity in the vicinity. I got a 15. Okay, so the 15, you can find there is one of those books that like Atlas compendiums that just have a bunch of maps in them. And they have big old fold out maps with every page. And you find that those are generally big enough that if you ripped one out, you could sort of

turn it into a skirt or a kilt. I fashion a kilt out of this map. And as I do this, I say, I just want to say right now, I'm not Scottish. It feels a little weird to wear a kilt. I take the Atlas and I fashion it into a skirt and I wrap the skirt around my waist to cover my nudity. Looks good on you, Henry. Anyway, I'm going to bounce. Good talking to y'all. Bye. Hey, Scam. Yeah. What's up? What it is? Thanks. Hey, Henry. Yeah.

Thanks. I'll think, you know, you scam me with your niceness. I thought you were going to do something rude, but then you just said thank you back. I appreciate that, Scam. No, I'm changing a lot. I've got a lot inside me now. A lot of things are happening. A lot of dogs in the fire. So the scary phone noise, when I was like, oh, who was phone? Was that you? When you were like, we are Beth. I was phone. Beth trying to get in two episodes. I was phone. I thought that was a very good joke. Ron, that was delightful. I'm on your side. Okay, Scam likely away. Hey, Scam.

He's gone. Okay. If you wish to exit Book Castle, you can either leave the way you came in, but Boreanaz and his troops are presumably locked into that room that you just locked them into. Or you can leave via a secret entrance at the ass end of the Bard Rock Cafe with a very large Leon sign over it that says secret exit.

Nice. Well, this looks pretty good. Let's go out this way. Yeah. Okay. Can I roll perception really one last time before we just to see if I can, you know, grab anything. Sure. Just shopping. Just shopping in the library. Really? Yeah. Ooh, 18. So with an 18, you find...

Let me get into our fun little Patreon submission form. Oh, this is great. This is perfect. So you find... It's pants. No, it is not pants. You find a sharpened blade, a katana. It's mounted on the wall. It looks really, really sharp. And looking at it just makes you think about the very nature of existence. And this item is called the Katana of Kant.

It is a sword which will instantly deduct half of the current HP of the creature it's attacking once per day. However, while this sword majored in murder, it minored in philosophy. The sword is sentient and will begin to ponder the ethics of murder once wielded. In order for the sword to successfully do its damage,

player wielding it must convince the sword that it's entirely ethical to do so on a DC 15 intelligence throw. Regardless of the outcome, the player must swing the sword at the creature. At any point during the game, the sword will also be available for any philosophical or moral questions the player may have. Wow. What a cool

item very cool this is submitted to us by emma stolman thank you emma thanks thank you emma i would like to do a search as well i'm going to search for as we're on our way out a book on daddy magic give me either perception or investigation i got perception 17 okay so you find a book on daddy magic i guess with a 17 is there a particular subtitle or particular area of expertise of daddy magic just you know the complete dum-dums guide to daddy magic something in that

milieu okay cool yeah you find the complete idiot's guide to daddy magic for dummies for dummies for dummies yeah you find daddy magic for dummies and on the cover is somebody that looks eerily like willie stamper going like like the little icon of that guy a reference guide for the rest of us can daryl roll really quick yeah what are you looking for i'm looking for dead of honor the sequel to some of all fears because it seemed like payton liked some of all fears so just getting it ready for him that's great i got two though there is not a single copy of dead of honor in the entire book castle

There's only a bunch of misprints of some of all fears and then executive action, the really boring thousand page one. It's about Jack Ryan being president. They're all still grabs executive action, but he tries to pass it off because he's actually, he's kind of embarrassed that he was being so selfish about grabbing those books. And he's eyeing his pal Glenn there. He's a little worried about Glenn. I like to also real perception. Are you looking for dead of honor for me? No,

Absolutely not. Jody's going to be looking for basically any books about demons and reversing that type of thing and to explain the current situation a little more. Yeah, go ahead and give me a roll. Looking for the Bible. You find the Bible. A two. Ironically, you find Dead of Honor, but you don't know Daryl Watson. Yeah.

Yeah, no, you just don't happen to find any books on demonology. You find a bunch of like great Stephen King books. You find Salem's Lot, but that's as close as you can get. I think for two, it should be a bad Stephen King book. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Oh, that's fair. You find Dreamcatcher. You find Dreamcatcher, yeah. No, sorry. You find the novelization of the film Dreamcatcher, which didn't even exist in our world. Wait, that's like Ashley Burch's favorite thing though, right? Yeah, maybe you can borrow it from Mark Lively. There's true. Linda's going to roll for time travel and getting your wife back.

It's just anything like that. That's specific. Just going to get the time travelers wife. Yeah. You're just going to find a copy of the time travelers wife, no matter how well you roll. You find NPC Rachel McAdams. I roll a nine. Yeah. You find a dog ear copy of the time travelers wife with the ending missing. And I go, this is close enough. And Glenn is biting his fingernails for the first time. Oh no. Oh buddy. Uh, Henry leaves book castle. Okay. Thank you.

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So basically, the secret exit is just a typical exit door you might find at a restaurant or whatever, and you press on the little metal bar, it opens up. It's like a fire escape door, but it goes, secret exit, secret exit, secret exit! Don't tell anyone! Don't tell anyone! You find yourself basically at the foot of another drawbridge, except that you're on the draw-y side of this one. I don't know what you would call it, you know? You need to be the draw-y and not the draw-y. What a way of word. What a way with words. What a way of word indeed, Frederick. Draw-y me like one of your French girls.

And the drawbridge spans the length of the moat that got you into Book Castle in the first place. You're on the other end of Book Castle. As you walk across, you feel and hear a creaking on the bridge and you hear a bubbling in the moat underneath you. Uh-oh. Hey, guys, do you think that maybe like one of you, Daryl, I don't want to name names, but do you think that you may have added some more like Goliath sort of barbarian to my physical body now? Because I feel like, you know, I'm pretty...

Right.

I'm pretty big. I'm pretty girthy now. Making the bridge creak. I'm a big boy now. You are a big boy, Ron, but I think that's something under the bridge. I think there might be something. Let's run. Let's just get off the bridge. I agree. Let's just run. Yeah, let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. Daryl runs off the bridge. Okay, everyone's going to run? Yeah. Can I like carry my son instead as well? Absolutely, you can. Just to clarify, he's my son. Unless I say otherwise because it's easy to forget him. Peyton's always riding piggyback. Perfect. As you run across because you don't check for traps because you don't go slowly or anything like that, you hear a beep.

In the bridge under your feet, and there's an explosion. The drawbridge that you're on shatters under your feet, and you begin to plummet down into the moat below. Whose stupid idea was that? Everybody give me acrobatics checks. Daryl and Jody, do it with disadvantage because you're carrying a child. Duplicate 10. Henry got a natural 20. Oh, God. I got a 5. I got a 19. I got a 13. Everyone except for Henry and Ron plummets into the moat below.

So Henry and Ron, why don't you describe what happens with your dank ass rolls to get you on the other side safely? Lucky. I know exactly what happens is that Henry's map skirt just blows up and then like he just pirouettes to the ground like, I don't know, Sailor Moon or something like that. Like it's just his dress is a cushion that lets him stick the landing. That's great. It's like Peach in Smash Brothers. Exactly like Peach in Smash Brothers. And you're seeing his peaches if you know what I mean. That is awesome.

I think that Ron gets really afraid when he hears the noise and he freezes up, which causes him to trip. And then because he was running so fast, he just he tips forward. And like, I cannot believe I'm about to reference a video game on this. I am the not video game. But, you know, like if somebody is like trying to hurt Spyro and Spyro and he does the little roll thing to the side. Yeah.

Yeah, I think he like creases up and then dodges like forward. That's delightful. A little roll. So the two of you managed to make it to the other side safely before the drawbridge collapses beneath you. But the other five people. Can I try to throw Peyton as I'm falling to the other side? Yeah, but it'll be at disadvantage. So yeah, give me an athletics at disadvantage. Okay, first one's 23 and second one.

Is 19. Dang. So you successfully huck Peyton. Independence Day throw, Peyton. Yeah, you do an Independence Day play. I think I'm dying. So as he's flying, I go, tell my dad, dad, that I still love him. And if Carol's there, tell her I love her too. As I'm falling. As Peyton flies through, he goes, what was that? So everyone give me an initiative roll.

Oh, everybody. Yes. 15 plus 5, 20. 9 plus 2, 11.

I got a 15. I got a 20. 19 plus one, 20. We got a lot of 20s here. Nice. Nice. Listen up, 10s. A 20 is speaking. So unlike the last time where we did slots for every initial character, because it actually matters what order you go in here because you got ambushed, we're going to go in initiative order. All right. Now that said, three of you got 20s. So I feel like of the three of you who got 20s, you get to decide who goes first. So that'd be Ron, Daryl, and Glenn. The three of you who didn't make it fall into the moat.

And when you hit the water, you are immediately struck by a sense that is at first pleasant. And then when you think about it, deeply unpleasant, which is how incredibly warm the water is. Hi, ex-boyfriends. Oh, sorry, guys. I couldn't hold it. Oh,

Oh, jeez. And you feel something goopy and kind of viscous surrounding your legs, and you see this sort of green, mucus-like substance floating around in the water. And as you look down into the surface of the water to see if you can determine what's creating it, you see a large black circle in the center of the water. And the circle closes, and you realize you're looking at a mouth. A creature that looks like a shark mixed with a squid. Right.

shoves its head above the water, this massive gaping maw with no actual teeth inside of it, but several tentacles beneath it, thrashing and writhing. It roars and mucus sort of spits out from its gob and dribbles down its chin, and it begins lashing its tentacles near you. And this is an Aboleth. Okay. Or Aboleth. It's a D&D-ass monster. Imagine just a fuckload of tentacles attached to one of the angriest heads you can think of. A head with three piercing red eyes. Ew.

A moth that's rimmed with razor sharp teeth. It's got a bunch of fins going down its back and it's got some pretty furious looking tentacles attached to that pissed off head. Oh, yikes. This castle's fucked up, man. So to be clear, Nick is down here with us. Nicholas is down there with the three of you, yeah. And Jody, as this combat starts and as you see Nicholas struggling to tread water with this arbalest staring all of you down, you hear it in the back of your head. You hear, dunga, dunga, dunga, dunga, dunga, dunga.

And you know that if you ever want to unleash your full demonic potential, if you ever want to become a demon and in so doing, cast off your mortal form, all you have to do is go... And that will activate your transformation. Cool. No, please keep playing. Ron, Glenn, and Daryl are the 20s. So all three of you can go and then something else will happen. I'm going to cast a second level spell. It's called Pyrotechnics.

because i'm thinking like a you know like a fishing lure i'm gonna try and like send something off so basically i'm just like shooting off a roman candle off away from us um what is with glenn and just bootleg fireworks bootleg fireworks the fireworks the target explodes with a dazzling display of colors each creature within 10 feet of the target must succeed a constitution saving throw or become blinded until the next turn so can i shoot it like maybe it's like i have a flare and i just throw it into the water or something uh hey over here yeah it's a hey over here thing okay

So yeah, he will do a constitution saving throw. That is a con 17. Con 17. So we got a 22. Fuck off. Got a pretty beefy con this one. That's gonna be a big boy. So yeah, it does the... God, this is a weird poll. But in the fourth George Romero Night of the Living Dead movie, Land of the Dead, they try to use fireworks to distract the zombies. And there's a moment where they all look at the fireworks and they become intelligent enough that it doesn't work on them anymore. And they slowly look back at the humans and start eating them. And this is basically that. You see the maw of angry teeth and you see the three furious eyes looking...

look away for a second to follow the Roman candle, and then it just turns right back to you as mucus drips from its teeth, and you know that it is not fooled. I feel like two eyes look up and follow the fireworks, but the third eye is just still staring at you. Yeah. Oh, my God. The pupils dilate. I can do two things at once. The third eye slaps the other two and then makes them turn back and look, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, over here, over here. Why, I oughta.

Can I get a sense of how deep is this water? Like, am I dog paddling here? Can I get to like the edge of the moat? The moat is about 15 feet deep. You can swim to the edge. It'll take a full move, obviously. And then if you wanted to climb up, that would take another move. So you would take your whole turn essentially sprinting to try to get up the edge. But the moat is like cobblestones that are generally kind of smooth, but there are handholds there if you're careful and if you pass a check to climb up.

Okay, Daryl wants to grab Nick and swim towards the shore. As you put your arm around Nicholas's stomach, he goes, no, no, I gotta help my dad. I gotta help my dad. And he starts wriggling to try to get out of your hand. Go ahead and roll sleight of hand at a disadvantage. Can I try to get Jody to convince Nick? Sure. Jody, Jody, we need to get Nick to the shore. Yeah, we...

This thing is terrifying. We got to get him out of here. Tell that to Nick. I look at Nick and go, Nick, trust him. Let me get you out of here. I just, I wish I could go and do it myself right now, but for some reason, chance or whatever have you is stopping me from moving before other people. You got the wind knocked out of you when you fell in. You're like, oh my God, I got to get my breath back. Yeah, something in character and in the universe too.

The sound of Jimmy Wong giving up. I cannot believe that I got to play Jimmy Wong's character and I didn't make a single reference to being in Mulan or eating clean and being shredded. I just can't believe it. This is very respectful, Beth. I'm very respectful. That's the spirit of the escalator, man. Jody also definitely has a beer gut. Like, it's a big belly. It's been hidden. Yeah, you can see his beer gut is bobbing up and down on the water as he's on his back. It's actually keeping me afloat. Yeah.

Okay. So you yell that to Nicholas. I'm going to have Nicholas roll, I guess, wisdom. Okay. So you still feel him wriggling in your grip, Daryl. He goes, no, no, I have to save you. You sense this like desperation in his eyes. Like he's trying to prove something to himself and maybe to his dad, given what he's heard about his dad's identity as a demon. Yeah. I mean, Daryl's obviously still going to be pulling him. Yeah. Go ahead. Make your sleight of hand at disadvantage. The kid doesn't want to. Yeah. He's about to fucking die. So yeah, you can.

I mean, nobody's going to complain that you're trying to save him. I'm just keeping him in character and saying he doesn't care about you. Okay, don't argue that. It's not a slight of hand. I'm just overpowering him. Yeah, you're not trying to steal him. You're not yet. Tell that to the fucking judge. Actually, no, I'm going to say a dexterity check because you're still trying to, he's splashing in the water. You're trying to move your arm around him. He's a wriggly one. He's wriggling, yeah. So give me a dexterity check with disadvantage. First one.

That's a good old seven. Oh, and that's a 10. So yeah, I mean seven. So yeah, he managed to successfully evade your grasp as you try to grab Nicholas. That was sort of an action. You have a move still. What would Daryl do? I mean, he wants to help. He doesn't want Nick to get fucking hurt.

Cause I can't really swing an ax. I don't know what you're gonna do in water. I feel like I'm not really doing much damage in water. You can try to climb out. Yeah, I know I'm trying, but I don't want to leave Nick there. Daryl's for sure seeing rain of fire. He would totally be ready to do that. Matthew McConaughey jump. You know what I mean? But he's only seen the trailer. So he doesn't know. You know what it is? Nick kicks and then splashes muck in your face. And then by the time you get it out, he's already like halfway to Jody. Nice. You know what I mean? There you go. There you go. Right.

Yeah, he's going to swim. I get extra speed. I mean, that's walking speed. I don't know if that matters. But anyways, yeah, I want to swim to the shore and get ready to, I don't know if I can attack after that. How far down did they fall? Good question. You fell 10 feet to the surface of the water. Beneath the water is 15 feet to the bottom of the moat. So you're not trying, there's no shore. You're trying to get to the other wall.

You're trying to get to the wall. Yeah, yeah. I just need some, you know, I just need a stand. I need some perch so I can swing an axe. You can spend your move to get to the wall. Okay. I feel like maybe trying to grab Nicholas wasn't really a full action. So you can spend another action to try to climb up it.

So that would be, I suppose, acrobatics or athletics. Yeah, I'll go ahead and I'll try to climb up it. I will also evoke rage. I feel like the mud in my eye pissed me off. I have a good kid say no. Like, yo, bro, do what you're told to. Why am I suddenly an angry mom? You can't shake off Daryl. That's what's going on. You're still. I guess. I guess that's it. 13 acrobatics. You tried to wipe the mucus from your eyes and it got onto your hands and it's a little bit more slippery than you would like. So you make it about halfway up and then you scream.

Sort of slide back down like a cat trying to climb a glass sliding door. Ron, it is your turn. Hang on, Daryl. I'll help you get out of there. And Ron unsheathes the katana of Kant. I'm going to use my Daytona. Daytona!

So, you're a philosophy major. That's great. I was wondering if this is the sort of situation where you're like, when you stare into the abyss, the abyss looks back into you because it's like there's a monster down there and then I'm looking at that and it's trying to attack. So, what are your thoughts on that? So, you pull out the katana of Kent. It sings as you take it out of its sheath and you hear a voice coming from the sword. Hello, who is this? Ha ha ha!

When do I speak? New voice, new voice, new voice. Hi, I'm Ron. Oh, a delight to meet you. And the very tip of the katana like bends slightly and then straightens itself again. And it's so fat to be doing today. What questions do you have? Mowielder.

Malay weapon. Oh, jeez. What are the, like, walls of the moat made of? Cobblestone. How strong is the sword? I mean, the sword is pretty strong. It's a magical sword. But the second that you wield it, remember, it begins to immediately ponder the ethics of murder. So you feel the sword looking at you and goes, ah, well, I'm being held again. Ah, what a pleasure to be held. Ah, and yet...

Every time I'm held, I'm used for dirty deeds, for violence. Let me stab you right there. Oh, yes, please. I'm actually just going to try to shove you into the wall so that my buddy Daryl can, like, hoof it up the sword that's you. You're not going to use me for my intended purpose. But what is purpose? Ah, yes, yes, what is purpose? That's a good thought. Who would not have picked a better character to have this sword?

And, you know, what not a better way to get out of conflict than to ponder conflict itself. So I was just wondering if you'd be chill with that. Oh, shit. That sounds chill as fuck. I don't have to worry about the morality of killing or not killing. Yeah, fuck it. Put me in there, coach. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, Ron's just going to try to stick it into the cobblestone so that Daryl can hop up it. Great. Give me a strength check.

Or a dexterity check, because I feel like you're also looking for a weak point. It's like an Assassin's Creed game. Now there's just a good place for me to grab. Yeah, there's a grapple point. Sorry, Mom, I do parkour now.

Wait, what is that? That's just me. It's just Beth. I was like, ooh, that sounds good. It's like from a vine. I got a 10. I guess because the sword is sentient, I'll have the sword roll as well. Yeah, it can manipulate the tip. Yeah, it can. It can. So it gets a 15. You kind of haphazardly start like waving the sword around down there. But as you drag it across the cobblestone, it finds a little, some of the mortar between the cobblestone and it goes, oh, here we go. Zink.

And it inserts its head into it and is now sticking out of the wall. That's the most erotic description I've ever heard, Anthony. I was really trying to make it not sexualized too. This is wild because it implies that like the sword can be guiltier than the person wielding it. Absolutely it can. The sword is now enmeshed in the wall. And now when anybody tries to climb out, they will get advantage while attempting to grab the sword. The Aboleth is before it takes its turn, it's going to spend time.

a legendary action. That's bad. That is bad. Okay, so it's going to do a tail swipe and it is going to aim at... Sick bra. It is going to aim at Nicholas. Maybe the kids should fucking listen to the dad.

I can't believe Matt is sitting here telling us how to be a good father and says stuff like that. He's the only one. He's the only one who knows. My kid would be alive right now. Oh my God. What? So one of the tentacles lashes up from the surface of the water, sending a spray of mucus and H2O with it. And it slices across the surface of the water and slaps Nicholas directly across his neck. Nick! And he takes...

15 bludgeon damage and he's thrown across the water. Oh my god. Sweet baby Nick! How much HP does Nick have? Not that much. He's a child. Wait, is he bloodied though? You tell us if he's bloodied, right? No, it turns out bloodied, I forgot, that's a 4th edition thing, not a 5th edition thing, so I don't have to tell you shit. Oh my goodness. Dude, and they got so much attitude. Hey, who body swapped our DM with a DM with 2s? Oh yeah.

This is my radical 90s perspective. It's DM monster privilege. He doesn't have to disclose that. I can't be forced to testify against my creation. So the Aboleth is going to target one creature I can see within 30 feet of it. That's going to go ahead and be...

So Daryl, give me a wisdom saving throw. Oh, well, that's not fair. He's just still bummed out that he couldn't find the Tom Clancy book. So he's not really thinking too hard. Really? That's what's going on right now. He's thinking that maybe if Nick had read a few more Tom Clancy books, he wouldn't fucking ready for that.

That's 16. That's a 16? Damn. So actually, you did pretty good. That's too bad. Yeah. You feel the whispers of the obelisk. You look for a brief second into its maw, and you see its teeth turn into this spiral in front of your eyes as if it's an infinite amount of teeth going all the way down into its soul. But you shake your head really quickly, and you clear yourself of it, and you're fine. But it was definitely trying to get inside your brain box. Whoa. Daryl flashes back to the time Carol dragged him to a modern art museum. He's just like, I don't like this. Yeah.

Fucking installation art? It's just a light and a hole in a wall. Give me a break. James Turrell, my ass. Henry, it is your turn. Henry is going to play some jazz ball and put a big wall up in the moat between the monster and the daddies. Okay. Also, I don't think we need to be worried. If the best thing this monster can do is fucking fail a wisdom check against Daryl, I think we're good. So don't worry about it.

We got this thing. Okay, so I'm going to cast Wall of Stone, and basically what I want to do is cast a wall just dividing the moat. Okay. You can crudely shape the wall to create crenellations, battlements, and so on, so I would like to put some nice easy footholds in this wall for people to scale up. Oh, that's cool. Civil engineering, love it. That's very cool. Henry looks at the monster and says, you know what, this situation calls for healthy boundaries, and then I cast Wall of Stone. Nice.

So what are the dimensions of the wall? Okay, so let's do a little bit of geometry. Everybody's favorite part of a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. How long is the moat? So the moat encircles the castle, obviously, and the bridge that was sending you across was 30 feet. Okay, so... And it was 10 feet down. I told my math teacher I'd never need math when doing a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. I don't need to learn algebra. I'm going to be on a podcast someday. That teacher? Karen Kilgariff. Okay.

I can create 10 10 foot by 10 foot panels that are six inches thick. So three panels would stretch it out across the thing of the wall. You have the capability to fully bisect the moat. Yes. Without even leaving any room for somebody to swim under or. Yes. I guess they could jump over, but it'd be a leap. I wish you had the spell during Fortnite. Yeah, that is literally build a Fortnite wall. It is Fortnite-ing right now. All right. So I Fortnite the wall. Okay. And I suppose.

I said, man, I wish Grant was here. Oh, me too. Me too, buddy. He'd appreciate this reference.

The wall is made. The moat is bisected. The creature is on one end of it and the daddies are on the other end of it. Things seem pretty okay. Thanks, Henry. Hey, yeah. Happy to help. Henry's so calm. That's Daryl saying that to himself. He's like very impressed. Henry's so glad to be back in his own body. He's liberated from the shackle of pants. Finally, he's got a breeze going on. He's feeling great. His wife's alive. His kid is fine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Henry, does it say anything about the HP of the wall? It sure does, Anthony. I'm so glad you asked. The wall is an object made of stone that can be damaged and breached. Each panel has an AC 15 and 30 points per inch of thickness. The hard panels. HP. Each panel is three inches thick. So each panel has 90 HP and there's two, they're stacked double. So that's 180 HP of wall.

Okay, cool. My dream man. I should ADHD a wall. Yeah. Can't they just go all the way around?

Yeah. Because the moat, you know what I'm saying? It absolutely can. We need another wall, Henry. It's like one of those Mario bosses, you know, where you're chasing it and then it turns around and it goes the other direction. You're like, oh shit, I got caught. You mean King Dodongo? Yes. That is certainly an option it could take. It's a very long moat, though. It slaps at the wall. Damn it. And you hear the sound of its tail lash against the wall and it takes a little chunk out of it. But you can tell that it has not done a great deal of damage to the wall.

And it goes, and mucus spews out from its face in anger. So that's the first thing that happens. The second thing is on the other side of the wall, you hear some distant splashing in the other direction away from the wall. And that splashing sounds like it's getting closer.

Oh, there might be more than one. Then that makes sense. Climb, climb, climb. Let's go faster. Let's go faster. Oh, guys, there's some coming on the other side. Oh, geez. I can't. I should have done two walls. I was showing off. Oh, man, I'm not commenting. Oh, my. Oh, that was fun. While it lasted, I'm back to being really good. It's good. You did good. We were. We got this. Just

get up here. Jody, it's your turn. Where is my son in comparison to me right now? He's coming towards you so you can spend half of your move to grab him. You're just going to let that happen? You're just going to let him say his son? Glenn's real confused right now, man. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Like, Glenn's going through a lot. Like, give him some fucking space. So Nicholas is close enough that you can very easily grab him.

I would like to swim towards the wall while grabbing him post haste and just going as quickly as I can to get away from all of the craziness. Okay, so you'll spend your move to grab him and move to the wall. Do you want to spend another move to try to climb the wall? So I'm going to attempt to push him up before me and just basically get him out of harm's way as quickly as possible. Okay. Actually, I'll just have him roll. It sounds like you're giving him the opportunity to get up. Yes. He tries to climb up and even though there are handholds,

The mucus that he's been swimming through to try to reach you is just caked his forearms and his hands and stuff. So he tries to grab onto one of the handholds and he just slips and falls back down into the water. He rolled a two, poor kid. Oh man. Oh gosh. So Glenn's going to cast magic circle and basically center it on the wall, the section that we would be climbing up. Okay. As a reminder, a creature can't willingly enter the cylinder by non-magical means. If they try to do so, it has to use teleportation and the creature has disadvantage on attack rolls against targets within the cylinder.

Well, what kind of creature is the Aboleth? Because magic circle is only if elemental, celestials, fey fiends are undead. Well, Anthony doesn't have to tell us what it is. You're going to have to... I don't have to tell you shit. You have to guess. Can I roll an arcana to try and understand what kind of creature this is? Sure.

12 plus 3, 15 arcana. 15. I feel like Glenn accesses his encyclopedic knowledge of Molly Hatchet cover albums to try to see if there's anything like this fucking thing he's seen on a heavy metal album cover. All right, so with a 15, which is exactly what you needed, you can tell that the Aboleth is a lawful evil large aberration. Shit. So the circle doesn't work, but I still cast it, and the way Glenn is going to cast the circle is he's like, this should confuse the creature, guys, and Glenn's going to just get the base of it and then do a mime act where it's like, oh, there's a wall here, like a visible wall, in an attempt...

To confuse the creature into believing that there's a, you know, a barrier there. Well, okay, sure. Oh no, Glenn, there's a big wall. Oh God. So yeah, either Ron or Daryl. I've done everything I can for this family. I'm going to climb up with the katana and then pull the katana out. Cool. Go ahead and roll acrobatics with advantage.

So that should be fine. 18. Okay. So yeah, you very easily use the katana as a handhold to pull yourself up onto dry land and you successfully pull the katana out as you finish your climb. And he's up top now. Yeah. And you're on top now. And the katana goes, oh, nice to meet you. Who are you? Oh, I'm Darrell Wilson. Nice to, uh, I shake it. I just shake it.

Darryl Wilson, nice to meet you. I'm pleasant. I'm pleasant. Nauseous. Nauseous immediately. Do not do this. Oh, sorry, sorry. Sorry about that. It seems like if you get nauseous just being shaken around, I don't know how well you do in combat. It's the difference between moving very fast in one direction and moving very fast in many different directions in small amounts. Whoa. If you were pushed, it would be different than if somebody grabbed you and shook you, would it not? Whoa. Man, this philosophy stuff is really wild. Makes you think. Makes you think.

I said what I said. Makes you think. Challenge everything. Ron, it is your turn. Hey, Daryl, can I have the sword? I mean, the Camtung. The Camtung. Yeah. Yeah. Is it okay if I give it back? Can I give you back to Ron? I consent to this, yes. Cool. Hey, all right. Okay. Ron did not shake me. Ron is my favorite thus far. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Oh, wow. Okay. Here you go, Ron. So what to do? What to do is the ultimate question. Yes. Yes. What to do? Damn. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

This is so weird. I love this sword. In an amoral world, how do we behave morally? A question for the angels. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Is everybody sort of in the same section of this moat? Yes, you are all on the left of Henry's wall. The Aboleth is on the right of Henry's wall. And you've heard a splashing far to the left of Henry's wall.

Okay. I'm worried about the splashing. So what I might do is I'll walk over to the sound near the splashing. Just walk? Just strolling? Ron is going to like walk very casually, performatively casually around to where the splashing noise was. Okay. And Ron takes his father's fishing lure and ties like a big old...

fat rope like that he has in his you know backpack fat adventurers rope sure yes around it and uh says very loud sounds like there's some pretty big fish in this lake so uh I'll be over here fishing for anything that wants to be caught okay give me a deception roll

That's how fishing works. Is you sit on a dock and you roll deception. You have to trick the fish. By saying I want to fish. The fish in the pond hear you go. This is great because it's essentially you're fronting that you're such a rube that the fish can go ahead and take the bait because there's no way they don't. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Oh, is it a bluff or a double bluff? It's a double bluff. I got a 12. So with the 12, you dip the lure into the water and you.

you feel a tug on it from something beneath the water, which actually, as you look into the water, you can see is a second Aboleth. But the 12 is not high enough to prevent you from what happens next, which is it yanks on that so fucking hard and you're still holding onto it. So go ahead and give me a strength saving throw. Oh no. Looks like I caught it. It's just like, it turns out Ron's one of the greatest fishermen alive.

Fudge. This is a real mistake on my part. I got a seven. Oh, my God. I don't know what I expected. So you feel yourself get pulled off your feet into the moat, and you are now being dragged behind the Aboleth as it swims forward through the water. You were dragged behind it like a jet skier. Nice. Next turn, you can get up and try to ski behind it. I'll jump the shark next time. Nice.

So is both Aboleths turned. So first, the Aboleth on the other side of the wall is going to try to, once again, it can still psychically sense Daryl's mind through the wall. And it is going to try to enslave him once again. So Daryl, try to give me a DC 14 wisdom saving throw.

That's a six. Uh-oh. All right. You can't see it, but you feel that spiral of teeth going forever and forever into nothing. Just nothing but teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth. And you feel like teeth are dope. Teeth are awesome. I definitely want to be on team teeth. Yum. You are charmed, and you are under the Apple S control, and you cannot take reactions. It can communicate telepathically with you over any distance. What's its name? That's the first thing I say. Hey, Daryl Wilson, what's your name, buddy?

Donald Duck? That's a lovely name. Yeah, I'm going to call you Donald. So anytime you get damaged, you can repeat the saving throw to try to free yourself of it. Okay, but I'm not charmed by the other one. No, you were charmed by the one on the other side of the wall. And the other one is dragging Ron. The other one is dragging Ron. Ron really quick says to his katana, saying,

I wonder why I used, you know, my dad's fishing lure. Like, you know, does that say anything about me sort of personally, philosophically? You know, like I threw that down there. I feel like the symbolism of you using the fishing lure to get yourself out of problems, but it dragged you down deeper into the depths of your own despair certainly seems to be a metaphor for how the weight of your father weighs on your soul. I've known you for exactly 30 seconds, so that is obvious as day to me. LAUGHTER

I love this like ongoing cast of just like therapy characters. Donald the Obeleth is going to try to climb the cobblestones on its side as well. So it's going to roll.

Donald the Oboleth was the original design for Sonic the Hedgehog. Damn. So the Oboleth tries to climb up, but its dexterity is not great. You just basically hear the sound of many slapping tentacles against the wall of the cobblestone, and then it slides back down. Now, the Oboleth that is pulling Ron, who we will, for simplicity's sake, call Daisy...

manages to finish its move on the other side of the relevant wall. It is going to now raise three of its tentacles above the water, and it sees that Nicholas has just splashed into the water. So it is going to attack three separate times. What? It's a big boy. First one hits. Oh, shit. Could you stop, please? The second one hits.

- And the third one hits. - Oh my god. - It rolled a 14, a 12, and a 15, and it's got a plus a lot to hit. So Nick takes 6d6. - Oh my god, you so... - My god. - My beautiful baby boy. - Let's see, that is going to be 27 damage.

And it's just whap, whap, whap. He gets hit in one direction and hit another and then hit another. And Nicholas... Dude, ragdoll physics dog. Ragdoll physics. Nicholas goes down and falls into the water and begins to sink. Jody's screaming, by the way. He's watching in horror and trying to do whatever he can. Glenn actually is so shocked, he actually stops his mime routine. Ha!

It's even when Glenn's hands are still up. He sounds so fucking weird. Yeah, your hands are still up, so you're just like a surprised mime. Yeah, it's like, oh! So now it is Henry's turn. Daryl's up on Henry's level, right? Yes. I mean, obviously they're both the two best dads, so they're both on each other's level, but he's up top. Excuse me. So can Henry tell that Daryl has been... No, you cannot necessarily tell that he has changed. But I did say out loud, good job, Donald. Does Matt maybe give him a hand? Yeah.

No, you're not going to be able to know for sure that he's charmed until he takes his action. Daryl, Nick just fell. Go get him. I'll have to ask Donald what he thinks. Henry's going to do a perception check to see if he notices anything wrong with... Okay, I got a 16. It seems like Daryl's made a new friend.

He just has the healthy glow of someone who's just made a new friend. Okay, yeah, for sure. And Henry, I'm just gonna... For sure, for sure. For sure, for sure. I don't know who Donald is. Henry's just seen too much weird shit today to clock this, really. So he is going to...

As much as I would love to role play doing a heroic dive in the water, there's already two dads in the water, so one of them can fucking rescue their son. Can I see Nick? Nick is sinking below the surface of the water, so you can sort of like kind of see his reflection kind of, I guess, in the water. Okay, I need to know basically if I can hit him with a heal spell. I'm going to say no. Damn. No.

If you want to jump in, you certainly can. Yes. Okay. Henry rips off his shirt and dives into the water to heal Nicholas. Okay. So yeah, you dive into the water. That seems pretty... Actually, give me an acrobatics check just to make sure you don't crack your head or anything. I got a 17. With a 17, you successfully dive into the water. Orlando fucking bloom!

I also like the idea that as you jump, it's like the wind blows your kilt up. So it's just like all around your face. So you can't see what's happening until you hit the water. Um,

And yeah, now you're right next to Nick and you can pretty easily touch him and heal him if you so wish. All right, I'm going to use my big boy healing spell. I heal Nick for 28. 28, not bad. You feel splashing in the water as Nicholas gains his consciousness back, but he's still underwater, so he's got to sort of swim up to the surface. Jody, it is your turn. I jump right in right after Henry, and I'm going to try and heal him as well. Oh, you also have heals, okay. Yes, I'm paladin, so I have Leon hand, so all I do is I just touch him and I heal 14 HP.

I assume you also in the process of this dragging him up to the surface and he goes. Yeah, so I'm going to dive right in after Henry and then watching Henry carry him. I'm going to help Henry sort of bring him right back up to the surface and start swimming back towards the wall again. Jody, you finish your turn and Daisy is going to spend a legendary action to tail whip you. So yeah, so she hits and she does 15 damage. Her tail whaps you across the face and opens a cut on your cheek.

and it looks kind of cool that looks cool right yeah cool all right cool cool cool cool we're back

We're back to the top of the order. It's the folks with the 20s. I think Donald says I should probably go first. Yeah, Donald says you should go first. And Donald says that you should hurt either Jody or Nicholas as much as humanly possible. OK, well, I don't want to hurt Nicholas. Wait, you want me to hurt Jody? OK, I get you, buddy. You know, you seem a lot more powerful than me. I think the best way to hurt them would be to help you up. So I lean over and put my hand down to try to help him up over the wall. Oh, great. Hey, guys, I'm getting Donald over here. He's going to help out. He's Mrs. Daisy.

This is some, like, shape of water shit, dude. Ron is, like, water ski with feet behind this other fucking thing. Who's Donald? Donald rolls, basically, he gets advantage on his roll to try to climb up, and he does.

He wraps a mucusy tentacle around you. Feels great. It feels like a warm bath on your hand. It feels like the best feeling that there is because Donald's your favorite. And he sort of climbs up you, using you as a human ladder, excreting mucus all the while. And now he's on the ground outside of the water with the rest of the dad. So the thing about these folks is that they can breathe both air and water and

and it takes acid damage every 10 minutes so an eternity in dnd stock so it doesn't fucking matter yeah so every 10 minutes it'll take a whole six damage right right ron or glenn seeing daryl and donald at the top of the wall and seeing his kid apparently okay he glenn turns his attention to the aboleth he's gonna cast otto's irresistible dance okay i'm gonna choose daisy as the creature and

The target must begin a comic dance in place, shuffling, tapping its feet, and capering for the duration. Glenn Close is the king of getting drunk uncles at the wedding to humiliate themselves on the dance floor by goading them by playing Ram Jam or something like that. Yeah, exactly. Dancing Cruiser must use all its movement to dance without leaving its space and has disadvantage on dex saving and attack rolls.

While the Atari is affected, other creatures have advantage on attack rolls against it. As an action, a dancing creature must make a wisdom saving throw to regain control. A successful save, the spell ends. This is like my life. Never in control of the dancing. Only you know that it is dancing.

because it is just a bunch of tentacles just splashing around and like rhythmically, like spewing out like mucus in this direction, the other direction in this section, any other direction. It looks like it might as well be drowning or something. But as far as you can tell, that's dancing. It's actually dancing to shout as the speed increases. Harlem Shake was so last year. Crushing it, Daisy. Looking great out there. A dad would think that Harlem Shake was last year.

Yeah, exactly. Guys, I heard about this new thing called Harlem Shake. You guys started planking? You're just hilarious. Wait, is Ron getting shaken around by the dance? Yeah, I guess so. Oh, yes. A little bit. You're getting pulled back and forth. Ron goes like, nauseous, nauseous. Yeah, the katana is like, this is what I wanted not to happen. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah, now I understand. Ron is going to try to climb up the rope that he's attached to and...

He's going to try to unlatch the lure from wherever it's held by the... So you're trying to climb onto Daisy and get the lure out of Daisy's skin, essentially. Yes, yeah. Why don't you kill it and then we can get it out after it's dead, Ron? I would point out that none of you have done even a single HP of damage to Iso's Aboleth. So in the words of Emmanuel Kent, you do you. Yeah, no, I'm just saying, I feel really bad for throwing the lure in the moat. I'm just going to try to stay at the rope and try to undo it. Go ahead and roll a dexterity check with this damage.

I got a three and then I got a six. Yes, I'll announce my number because I hate myself. Oh my God. So it bucks like a Bronco as you try to climb onto it and it just hurls you onto your back and you splash back into the water on the other side in front of it now. What happens to the katana? Does she hold onto the katana? I've got it on a little leash or something.

Like a wee boat? Yeah, both of you. You never took the safety strap off. Yes. Safety first. Daisy is going to randomly slash out with her tail in irritation at the fact that she's dancing and having such a good time and can't deal with it. And her tail lashes out and it hits... If you say Nicholas, I'm going to fucking scream. I'm going to roll a die to see who it is. And all the dies say Nicholas. I'm rolling a D4. If it's a four, it's Nicholas.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, he showed us it on the screen. Showing us the roar. So the tail hits Nicholas. We're just cheering about it hitting this kid.

Hell yeah. I'm going to do story whether you want it or not, baby. Even though he rolled with disadvantage, this thing gets a fucking plus nine to hit. Whoa. So it wraps its tail around Nick. And as it continues to dance, Nick is just getting just sort of thrown back and forth. Tempest tossed, as it were, by this creature. On Daisy's turn, she is going to continue to dance. She can't move and she could attack. Actually, if anybody wants to make an arcana roll. Would Donald want me to do that? No, probably not. OK, Daryl's cool then.

I got a 13. I rolled a 18. Ron and Jodi, you can tell that these Aboleths, as creatures of lawful evil, they can sense intense power that some would consider to be evil or infernal. And so they have been primarily targeting Jodi and Nicholas because they can feel that bit of demonic energy in both of them. Basically very strong in Jodi and halved within Nicholas. Oh.

Demons hate each other. So on Daisy's turn, as she's thrashing around, as she's dancing, as her limbs are going everywhere, she's got Nicholas wrapped up in her tail. You see her drag him under the water for a horrifying second. And then suddenly he breaks through the water and is dangling in the air. The Aboleth looks up at Nicholas and opens its maw and lets go. And Nicholas...

He's swallowed whole by the Aboleth and is inside the Aboleth's belly. It's gonna be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. And if you die, it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be alright.

♪

Dungeons and Daddies is, oh boy, it's another crazy one. Matt Arnold as Ron Stampler and Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch as our DM. Will Campos as Glenn Close and Henry Oak. Beth May as Jodie Foster and Ron Stampler. Freddie Wong as Daryl Wilson and Glenn Close. And Jimmy Wong as Henry Oak and Jodie Foster. Are you confused yet? Thank goodness that's all over.

Thank you.

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As we mentioned at the top of the episode, my dad just finished his book. It's called Swimming to Freedom. We have links in our episode description. It is the buck wild true story about how he swam to freedom from communist China to Hong Kong. I am very happy it is finally out in the world. So if that sounds like something interesting to you, check it out. Links to Amazon and Barnes & Noble in the description. Our Twitter is DungeonsAndDads. Our subreddit is DungeonsAndDaddies.

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