Ep. 58 - It Was Inside You All Along
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I don't know.

Until your ultimate demise. What if we just say forever? Okay. $25 a month forever. Get unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month with Boost Mobile forever. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Donald and Daisy.

Aboleth is not for everyone, including those with resistance to being charmed or those who succeed on DC 14 wisdom saving throws. Barbarians level 6 or higher experiencing rage may be immune to the mind control effects of Aboleth if they read their character sheets. Thanks, Aboleth. I gotta watch my friend's son get eaten alive, and I couldn't have cared less. Ask your DM if Aboleth is right for you. Aboleth

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Actually, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into a land of high fantasy and magic in a quest to rescue their lost sons. Wait, four dads and a demon, Freddy. Oh, right, right, right. And a dirty demon. Excuse.

you four dads and their friend Glenn. Oh my gosh. Three dads, a guy named Glenn, and a demon. They walk into a bar, you won't believe what happens next. It's unbelievable the presumption we have about whether or not a demon can be a father. I think they can still be a dad. That checks out. Thank you. If tieflings can be a dad, I can be a dad. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, a clickbait podcast.

Listen, we knew what we were doing when we called this podcast what we called it. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close. Parentheses, gone sexual. Gone sexual. He's the regular Joe of the group. Just the everyman. The audience surrogate, if you will. He's the bard. He's the rock and roll bard man with the big left arm. If this was X-Men 1, he'd be Anna Paquin. Okay. Who can't touch anyone. No.

This week's Glenn fact, eagle-eared viewers and listeners may have realized that I laid a cunning trap last week. That's going to be this week's fact. Last week, Glenn counted his abs, and he counted, if you recall, he counted to 12. In fact, I'll play that clip for you right now. Glenn goes like, am I back in my body? And then he goes like, let me count my abs. One, two, three.

10, 11, 12. Okay, great. Oh my God. So this week's Glenn fact. He can only count to 10. Glenn has an eight pack, but he also counts his pecs as his abs. That's very nice. The full continuation. He has an eight pack, but he counts his pecs. Don't you only have two pecs? That'd be 10. You've fallen into my second cunning trap. You're correct. Eight plus two is indeed 10. That other two, baby. Oh no.

He calls them the danglers. Oh my God. The honorary abs on the man. See, this is what happens when you don't get married to Morgan is you just have enough time to think about it. Oh my God. You get to the point where you're like, yup, this is it. I've been thinking about my cunning verbal trap for you all for the last week straight. That's probably actually my favorite fact on the whole show ever. That is a really good fact. I'm in love with that.

Hey, everybody. I'm just happy to be back in my body again. Hi, everybody. I'm Matt Arnold, IRL dad playing fictional dad Daryl Wilson, who is a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this whimsical world of whimsy. So I thought I would pay tribute to the brilliance of Freddie Wong and Beth May, who took control of Daryl and just made sure that I truly... I really treat what you guys said as canon. So...

Daryl indeed is very bad at math because he did go to Catholic school and his high school Catholic math teacher, Catholic math wouldn't teach class. He would just play Stargate all the time because he didn't want to teach. And that's how Daryl became a big fan of Roland Emmerich.

and started watching his movies. Why did he start it? And now whenever Grant and Daryl wanted, you know, kind of, you know, play a little hooky and ditch school to go see a movie, they talk about it as math class in front of Carol. They go, yeah, I'm going to help him out on his math class. And then Daryl and Grant go and see a movie. Daryl is a fucking coward. Everything's a euphemism. We'll go to math class, and then I'll drop you off at school, and then it'll be time for tax day. Yeah.

He just has fun in his life. I don't know if that's a coward. He just lives a lie. I'm just remembering all the things that math teachers or even just teachers play. We have a lot of Muzzy. If you've ever studied a foreign language, you'll know what I'm talking about. Muzzy tapes. Stargate SG-1, the television series, is what that math teacher was into. No, Stargate the movie. Oh, okay. The Kurt Russell film. The one that's less appropriate for kids. Which was Roland Emmerich's, I don't know if it was his first American movie, but it was like his first hit. Oh, yeah.

which also by the way I believe I first saw it in school also huh because it's you know science we watched October Sky Matt watched Stargate we watched that too I don't want your life is that Stargate that's what he says after yeah that's from Stargate

Everyone, I'm Will Campos, the once and future voice of Henry Oak, Birkenstock Rockin', Crunchy Munchy, Hippie Druid, Nature Granola Dad of the Dads. And my Henry fact today is that Henry's also bad at math, but only because in the Forgotten Realms, they use a base six system. What? What? What?

So it took him a really long time to get used to math in our world because he was like, you mean like, there's like, I bit off way more than I could chew with this bag because I don't even know how to do jokes. You would underpay for everything. Yeah, he's an awful tipper for the first couple of years he was out here and Mercedes was like, you're embarrassing me. Why are you have to tip more? And he's like, what are you talking about? He's like,

It's like, oh, that's right. It's a base six thing. You know, that's I forgot. Actually, no, he would tip more. No, no, because the base six number would be higher. No, that's incorrect. That's my second fact is Henry's just a cheapskate. He blames it on base six, but really he's just a cheapskate. Oh, God.

No, no, he's not a cheapskate. Daryl's never had that elaborate of a life, so you pretend you don't tip, and then you say it's because I'm from another world. No, no. Henry's like, oh, yeah, worker solidarity. Raise that minimum wage. I will give you a three-cent tip. Thank you so much. Henry tips well. Will was just making a joke to be funny. That's the separation between me and the character. That was an ironic dad fact. Now I don't know what's canon and what's not. He tips well if the tip is a compliment. Okay.

I'm done being other people. I'm only going to be myself for the rest of my life. I did have an actual dad fact, which was that Henry's first job when he came to our world in honor of one Jimothy Wong, I thought Henry's first job would be that he was a canvasser. Wow.

And he went around. He worked for an environmental group that wanted to save the Amazon rainforest. They're failing. It was unfortunately called Amazon Prime. And they got sued into oblivion. And despite the fact that that was Henry's favorite job and it was the one thing he could reliably do well when he came to this our world with no skills and no degree and no education, he had to give it up when they got crushed under the heel of the real Amazon.

Amazon. So people are like, oh, Henry, you worked for Amazon Prime. Did you have to like pee in bottles and stuff? And Henry's like, oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. All the time. That's amazing.

That's it. I yield the remainder of my time. Okay, thanks. Well, my name is Beth May. And I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron is that his father, Willie Stampler, taught him an extremely important lesson, which is give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Yeah.

Willie never taught Ron how to fish, but he did teach him that quote. Nice.

To explain why he wouldn't give him the fish that he caught. Yes, exactly. Dang. He brought home one fish. He cooked it. He ate it in front of Ron and did not give any. I also have a feeling that Willie's the type of person who's like, you know, the lure doesn't make the fisherman. Like, you know, I caught this because I'm so good at fishing. But then, like, the one he gave to Ron would be like, except for this one, this one will catch you fish automatically. You're not good if you catch a fish with this. Oh.

Hi, everyone. My name is Jimmy Wong. I play Jodie Foster. He's a fun, loving, open, and emotionally available highway cop turned paladin. Are you trying to date somebody? He loves to laugh. He lives, loves, and laughs in that order. He eats, prays, and loves. And loves, yeah.

The reason, though, that he's so open and fun-loving is he actually has incredibly poor comprehension skills because he has a very serious case of ADHD. So he just can't catch on to full sentences and paragraphs because he learned, right, like, okay, I'm always, my mind's always jumping to something else. I'm always thinking about the next thing. He realized that when someone finished a sentence and there was, like, that blank spot, he would just be really good at adding in, like, a, what?

no way, that's unbelievable. And then just forced them to keep explaining the thing. This is how I survived on the podcast. And they would just keep going and going. And then he got to be really open because all he did was ask questions all the time and just be like astonished or like, you know, very like open in that world. But it was just because he really doesn't know what's happening a lot of times. In Jodi's case, ADHD stands for a demon, hell demon. What? That's so crazy. Yeah.

It's actually a dad. Hell dad. Thank you. Oh, nice. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. Hi. If I sound a little smoother tonight, it's because I'm going to do what you should never do if you're antisocial, which is tell people that I'm more than two weeks past vaccine. I've been cooped up in my house long enough that I was like, I want to do something that I've never done before. That's drastic. That doesn't make any sense.

And that will cause me physical pain just so I can feel something after a year and a half of being in quarantine. So I got a full Brazilian wax. And let me tell you. Wow. Let me tell you. Please tell me. Good night, everybody. Imagine how you think it feels.

It feels exactly like that. Of all the things that I've ever done, it most accurately reflects my assumption of what it would feel like going in. I don't know what to do tonight. You all don't see it. Anthony is like in a bathrobe showing his chest hair now talking about his Brazilian wax. This is a lot going on. He's he's all right, Daddy Master, let's do this. I speed low drag, man. Yeah, yeah. I think that was a wreck me, Daddy.

It was an unofficial wrecking daddy right there. Finally in the mood to podcast. Not to get too blue, but the bathroom situation is you've never experienced anything like it in your life. It's like you're on the luge at the Olympics. It's like when you put that 91 grade gasoline in your car. It's just like, oh, I'll never go back to the way things were. Oh, no.

The front's the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life. Don't bother with the front. Yeah. Just the butt part. The guy had to hold my hands down because he was worried I would hit him. Oh my God. Holy shit. Also, the password for his cash machine was 69 and I was like, really? And he's like, well, now I have to change it. What are you doing?

cash machine. It's hard not to. I was waiting to put my card in and he just typed in beep, beep. I was like, okay. Beth has a question about your Brazilian wax. I have a few questions. I actually wasn't sure they were not allowed to, but I wasn't sure it was practiced for people with balls. I had to call three separate wax places before they agreed to do

Anthony, if I called one place and they said no, I would never call another place ever again. I would assume that I was on the watch list and like I'd be so paranoid for some reason. I don't think it's like because men are gross. I'm sure that's part of it. I think they just don't have the experience doing it on the delegates of people with balls. I see. The weird thing is I drove there. I drove a half hour there and the address was just some guy's house. So I like text him. I was like, is this a residential place?

and he goes, oh yeah, it's a private practice. I'm like, that doesn't mean what you seem to think it means. So I just went into this dude's house and was more vulnerable than I've ever been in my entire life and he starts flirting with me and I'm like, not right now. I'm literally on my elbows. I could not be in a worse position. He's like, ha ha ha, you have nice eyelashes. I'm like, okay. I genuinely don't know how to continue doing that.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's fine. It's fine. I do. He is fucking opening up all the time. Does he have like a referral discount? I can give you that. I mean, honestly, he was very good. I was in and out there in like 20 minutes. You have to be if he's fucking doing the jewels, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's next level. If he's running the jewels, you know what I'm saying? So your 12 pack is looking nice right now. Yeah. Okay. Holy shit.

All right, so when we last left our heroes, you all watched horrified, other than Daryl, who was under the thrall of one of the Aboleths. Yeah, Daisy and Donald, my buds. Nice. You saw as Nicholas was swallowed whole by one of the Aboleths on their turn. So because we are still in combat,

That means we're still in initiative order. Now that's it. If you want to like, you know, do character stuff and just react to it as one would, feel free. But the first thing you need to know is that for every turn that the Aboleth ends with Nicholas still inside its stomach, Nicholas is going to take 2d12 poison damage. So I'm going to... He is healed to full, by the way. He is healed to full. He has 30 hit points as his max. So he just lost 17 hit points. From being swallowed? Whoa.

From one turn of the Aboleth's stomach acid working on him. He has less than half of his health remaining. Oh, God. Okay. So to remind you of the order, Ron, Glenn, and Daryl all rolled 20s on their initiative. So all of you go at the very top of the initiative. And then both of the Aboleths go. And then Henry and then Jody goes. So because the Aboleth just swallowed the child, it is going to be Henry's turn next. Oh, jeez, Louise. I'm going to delay my turn so Jody can go first. Jody!

I can beam you into that thing with a cool feature of mine. You can get your son out, okay? And you can come busting out with him. You can heal him in there. I can send you into that thing. Just hold on, okay? Beam? I need your consent to do it. What do you mean, beam? It's called Hidden Paths, and I can teleport a one-willing creature up to 30 feet to an unoccupied space that I can see.

Does that mean I can teleport it into the stomach of this thing, Anthony? I think that'd be the definition of occupied. Yeah, that's what unoccupied means. You cannot do that, unfortunately. Jody, never mind. I'm sorry. I can teleport you right up to it, though, if you want. Is his mouth still open? His ma is like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. So it's kind of, you know, chomping. The one that ate Nick is still dancing, right? Thanks to Otto's irresistible dance. It is, yes. It is still dancing. It's dancing in place thanks to the smooth beats of Glenn Close. It's like a mini golf clown.

Yeah, you just got to time it. Okay, yeah, because I don't have really a weapon on me because my gun has been taken away and I'm not going to fire at this thing even if I, because I could potentially hit the child. Good gun safety. I'm going to try and dive into the maw as it's dancing using my knowledge of the beast. The amount of times maw gets said on this podcast is actually really wild. Yeah.

It's shocking. So I see Daisy dancing after just having eaten my child. And in pure horror, I'm going to run at it and leap in and swan dive as best I can. In between its maws, it's sort of doing its thing. Okay. Like a mini golf course. Give me an acrobatics check. And play jazz ball. You son of a...

It was on 18 and it just did that little thing where it went boop and it hit two. Two. Okay, so with the two, you run and you dive through the air. Sorry, really quick backup. Sorry, it's a four. Oh, that changes everything. It's a four total, sorry. No, no, I just want to make sure because it hits a plus. No, thank you for interrupting me when I was in the momentum of describing what Jimmy was about to do. I'm so thankful we have those extra two points that really changed the nature of the story. I don't like mean Anthony. Smooth Anthony's mean Anthony. I'm sorry, Anthony. I don't have to be nice now. I'm aerodynamic. Ha ha ha!

I glide through the air effortlessly. I've lost all need for human nicety. I slide into trouble. I slide my way out. So you dive through the air looking badass as hell with your fist outstretched, but you just misjudge the seemingly random gesticulations of this dancing creature. And as you're about to go into its open mouth, it angles its teeth down just a little bit. And instead, your fist just impales itself on one of these sharp teeth

on the outside of this creature and your momentum basically stops dead as your shoulder hits its face and you fall back down into the moat but your fist is still impaled by these teeth and still connected to the creature. Oh, I'm not dangling. So you're dangling. Go ahead and take a D12 of damage. D12? Man, that's some teeth, dude. You're like losing your hand. It's gonna be a nice low number. It's a three.

All right. That's not so bad for teeth being through your knuckles, I guess. Yeah. So we could call that a move if you want to try to do something else. Oh, I'm going to try and use my fist because I'm just channeling adrenaline. There's a lot going through my head. I'm starting to hear the distant drums of a Led Zeppelin song. Oh!

Oh, no. It's Jermaker for some reason. I'm going to grab the other, right? One fist is dangling. That one's for all you Zep heads out there. Just you and me, huh? You hear, hey there, Delilah, getting louder and louder. I hear closing time getting louder and louder. Oh, no, but closing time is actually about him having a kid. It's too sad. It can't be closing time. Oh, man. Oh, no. What's hey there, Delilah about? I don't know. Delilah? Some guy who knows a girl named Delilah. About virgins. Oh, no.

Hey there, Delilah. I saw you in New York City. I'm a thousand miles away. Who's this perfect character? I love this. But tonight, it would be pretty if you and me... Hey there, Delilah. Yeah, it's like literally just about an incel. Convince me otherwise. That is definitely a relative of scam likely. Amazing.

like speaks in the civil war era, like writing on the script. Okay. Uh, so with his fist impaled, he's going to use that to pull down and have his other hand grab the top of this thing and just like jam it in there into it's like nostrils or something. So it just stops. Does it have nostrils? Uh,

Not with that attitude. So describe what you're doing. You're trying to... I'm grabbing its jaw. I'm trying to open it up and then go into this thing because I have no other way of getting into it. Like King Kong with T-Rex, I mean? I'm trying to pry its mouth open with one hand using this leverage that's been impaled by this thing. It's in there already. I may as well use it to my benefit. Yeah, it does not have nostrils, but yeah, you can try to grab its lower jaw essentially and force its mouth open. I'm going to give it nostrils, Anthony. Okay.

Okay. And to force his mouth open. So I'm going to try and get in. I just need to get to my child because Jimmy, the person knows that he's taken over half his life total. And if we can't get him out, he will literally die in the stomach of this beast. Give me a strength check. It's going to be really sad for Glenn.

Because it's his kid. That's going to be a 10. With a 10, you grip onto the lower jaw of the aboleth pretty handily, but it understands what you're about to do and it clenches its jaw really hard and its teeth get together. It's working against you. You can try again. It's not like locked there. But for right now, that mouth ain't opening unless you smash the teeth in or find another way in. Well, it's your turn up next, right? Yes. Glenn's like, just throw me up there, bro. Put me in, coach. Okay. And I flex. Hell yeah.

Oh, hidden paths is a bonus action. Okay, that's great. Whoa. I am going to beam Glenn. I slap a hand on Glenn's back and say, Glenn, you and that cop gotta put your bullshit aside and save your son! Zap, and I zap him. This thing's got like a nostril or something like I'm putting him on top, right? Yeah, I'm putting him on like his face shelf. Face shelf. Okay, that happens. Can you three-point stance when you land for anything? What? Blade stances? And then while still in the blade stance, just...

throws up because getting teleported really fucks your center of gravity. So imagine the blade stands like the blade landing and then just... So you vomit onto the Aboleth and Jody's hand, I guess. And the Aboleth takes one acid damage from Glenn's...

Fucking my stomach. No, it doesn't. It and the other AppleLeth have still taken approximately zero damage from the daddies. Okay, so like, what if... I'm not even going to try this, but this is just a cute what if. Like, what if we gave the AppleLeth like a ton of Pepto-Bismol and so the stomach acid was neutralized and then...

You laugh. Quick, conjure Bismol. But here's what I want to do. So first thing I'm going to do, and this will probably be more like a Henry next turn move, but first thing I'm going to do is cast Mass Cure Wounds, which is a fifth level spell. Thank you. I was going to ask for it. I will read the description so that you know what it does.

Is there a V for visual anywhere on that? Holy shit, what's happening?

Where's our DM? Fucko. There is a V. I don't like it. It only took 57 episodes. V means verbal, bitch. It says verbal right here. I'm looking at it. It says verbal and semantic. Never mind. I made the exact same mistake I made 20 episodes ago. Still the same, Anthony. Kiss my ass, Anthony. Can your eyes roll back in your head in that case if you don't need to see them? Yes, they do. They go. Cool.

I'm just trying to make this more anime, to be honest. So here's what I want to do. If you guys can crank its mouth open, I have a spell called Control Wind, and I can do a down blast of wind, and we can pump this thing's fucking stomach and make it barf up Nick. Oh my god. Send Nick down? It's not like it's overdosing on the kid. It's having a grand old time eating it, clearly. Yeah, but that's how they get you to throw up.

you know? So we're going to blast a bunch of air down its tummy and make him belch up Nick. Yeah, you can definitely cure the child. So go ahead and make that roll and let me know. Nick heals for 22. Hey, he's back up to full. Nice. You know what? Jody and Glenn would be in within range of that thing as well. So if you guys are hurt. Hell yeah. That's why it's a fifth level spell. Go ahead and let that top you off a little

Fantastic. Well, just for the safety of all the children listening. Stop listening, children. Stomach pumping is a suction out, not a push air into your stomach. Can't you send the wind the other way? No, it's a suction. What if you start it outside, send it up its butt, and then send it all the way through the stomach, out the mouth?

There you go. Isn't it underwater? And water along with it and help cleanse that body in there. A little animal cleanse. A bidet spell. Ron, Glenn, and Daryl all have a 20 initiative. So you can choose what order you three would like to go in. I think Glenn will go first and try and wrench open the

mouth yeah Daryl's gonna go with his buddies in the middle okay so Glenn's gonna be like let me show you how to do it you loser and he's gonna try and wrench open the mouth with his powerful left arm okay give me a strength check can I assist in doing the opposite pushing downwards because I see him doing this okay oh they're working together come on glad you can got your quick please that strength with advantage baby first roll

I don't even need it, baby. Natural 20. 21 plus one. Wow. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Describe how you pull this thing's jaw open. It's probably like a crocodile or you know how like sometimes, you know, crocodiles are really easy to keep it closed. Hey there, croc. Oh, she's a beast. But this is just the opposite. It's just like you can open this mouth really easily. See, you wrench it all the way back to an obtuse angle. So then I think with the mouth wide open, Glenn's going to dive in. Oh,

All right. He's so brave. I'm going to scream, get in there, because I'm still impaled. I don't think you have to roll anything for this. Yeah, its mouth is open. It's like those water slides, you know, where to have you stand there, you have to hold your arms at your shoulders. Yeah. Like, are you ready? You ready? And then the bottom drops out. Wait for my whistle. Freddie, I'm completely shaved. I know exactly what you're talking about. Oh, my. No. Okay, so you worm your way down this thing's throat,

And basically all you see is complete darkness and you hear splashing and the pained grunts of Nicholas. And eventually you feel the tightness around your shoulders give way to an open space and you splash down into immediate pain, which is stomach acid. So you go ahead and take 2d 12 of damage as well. 12 damage.

Okay. Now Ron or Daryl. Now starts the sitcom inside the summit between Glenn and his child that's no longer his. Ron scurries over to the mouth with the rope in his hand that's attached to the lure and leans into the mouth and is like, Hey, Glenn, go fish. No, I know it's not like a really efficient... Here's your rope if you want to get out, if you're okay. Okay.

Anyways, it looks like we're really in the belly of the beast here, huh? Sorry. So I'm just going to leave this here. Good luck. I guess give me a dexterity check. I got a 13. Final answer. Thank you. So with a 13, you managed to get the rope inside of its mouth, but you cannot convince the Aboleth to, it doesn't go down the Aboleth's throat. It's just sitting there in its mouth. So currently, Glenn and Nicholas cannot reach it unless it swallows the rope.

Honestly, like I'm just going to hop into the mouth and then feed more of the rope down, you know, repelling. You mean acrobatics check?

17 plus three, 20. All right, then you can go ahead and describe how Ron dives into the, there are just not a lot of words for mouth. Mouth of this creature. Face hole. Gob. Nice. The gob. Face butt. Ma is sounding better and better by the second, ain't it? The eye to the stomach. Her face anus. Oh no. Okay. What? No. Ron takes one step into the tonguey abyss. He's like, I take one more step forward.

Mr. Frodo. Okay, I guess I'm coming in and I'm here to save you, but I don't know if I can do the whole saving thing thing, so I'm just going to throw the rest of this rope down.

Please be mindful of your hands so you don't get blisters, but just try to get back up here. Is it echo? Is the throat that long? I think I caught a big one. That's what I'll say if you grab onto the rope. I'll be like, oh, big fish. Okay, so you easily managed to jump inside the mouth of this thing and feed the rope down its throat.

though you cannot see it because it's again pitch black the end of the rope is just dangling out into the stomach the acidy splashy stomach of the abeleth the daryl very much like bbq dad energy is kind of sitting there with donald and he has just watched three of the dads enter the mouth of daisy he's like you know what don i really don't think you need

don't think you need that much help from me man you're you're daisy's doing pretty you said that's your first brood three or five years it takes for you guys to have a kid huh that's pretty wild that's pretty wild don um so you know what it's pretty cool um i think i'm just gonna hold off my turn for a little bit seems like daisy's doing pretty good why don't you let me know when when you know what you need from me all right so daryl's gonna hold on to his turn no i don't know about that i don't know if you can

do that. Oh, you don't want me to? That's cool, Donald. You just let me know what you want me to do then, man. Seems like Daisy's doing a great job. Okay, you know what? No, yeah. You can hold your turn so long as once Donald decides what he wants you to do, you have to do it. I mean, yeah, I know. Now I have to do it. Okay, okay. I just thought you weren't trying to just be like putting it off. Okay, that's fine. Let me tell you, if I waited around for a man to decide what

to do. I am putting it off. I'm hoping somebody will like kill them before. Also, if I take damage, I can take a save. But like, I guess in character, nobody knows that. In character, nobody yet knows that you are brainwashed, correct? Yeah. You're being real chill, Daryl. Hey, Ron, I hope you die. Oh,

Good job, Daisy. Keep at it. Can I do a passive perception to see if Henry notices Daryl saying any of this stuff? What is your passive perception? Because that's just the number. It's not even a roll. It is a 24. Whoa. Well, gee, I guess then, yeah. No, like passive aggression. No.

You can tell that something is awry with Daryl Wilson. Okay, I'm like, Daryl doesn't seem like his usual self. I know he doesn't like Ron that much, but like, that's pretty aggro. Daryl notices like Henry like staring at him and Daryl just holds up a middle finger. Henry takes, I'm going to roll four psychic damage for Henry. All right, it is now the Aboleth's turns. So Daisy is going to sense that there is a creature, a new creature inside of its mouth, and it is going to attempt to,

to enslave Ron Stampler. Ron, give me a wisdom saving throw. Can I just like roll? Give me a wisdom saving throw, Ron. Okay.

So it's a 12. Ooh, you had to succeed at wisdom DC 14. Hey, Ron, sorry. I was saying, I hope you die. Welcome to the team, bud. Daryl, I can say with complete confidence, I hope I die too. Happy to be here in the mouth. As you said, you feel for the first time, like at home and safe. And for a second, you feel like, oh, maybe this is what- For the first time?

Oh, no. This is what Willy must have felt like in his final moments as he's being dragged under the water. Like, maybe this is your destiny. Maybe this is what you were supposed to do is be inside this creature in this moment right now. And when your turn comes around, it'll tell you to do something specifically. Real man belongs inside of a mouse. Cross stitch of that one. That's gonna be my license plate. For now, just know that it's such a good friend of yours.

Donald is going to attack. It's like just Henry out there now. Henry's feeling a little vulnerable right now, considering all of the dads just disappeared into this thing's mouth. And Daryl flipped you off. So it's going to make a multi-attack. It's going to try to attack you with three tentacles. Pinball.

The first one misses. Okay. The second two hit you across both cheeks. Which cheeks? I leave that to the audience to decide. Theater of the mind, you know what I'm saying? One of each, why not? You take 24 bludgeoning damage. Good God. Oh my God. Give me a DC 14 constitution saving throw and give me two of them. You gotta pass both of them. I don't like this game anymore.

Okay, so first one was a five. Oh, God. Second one was a 12. Okay. How are we doing? So you are diseased. Now, this is not that bad. Okay. So first of all, the disease has no effect for one minute, so this combat is not going to matter. And it can be removed by any magic that cures diseases. But after one minute, your skin will become translucent and slimy, and you won't be able to regain hit points unless you're underwater. Okay.

That's like what having eczema is like, Fishboy. Yeah.

Now, in addition to doing that, Donald is going to turn its mind to Daryl and it's going to say, Hey, man. Hey, good friend, Daryl. Uh, uh,

Could you go ahead and kill Henry for me? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Whatever you say, bud. That's great. Thanks, man. Thanks. How do you want me to do it? I'm mostly an axe guy. I do a lot of axe stuff, but I could definitely just choke him to death or bludgeon him. Fist him to death, yes. No! You know what? Not just axe stuff. I'd love to see you improvise a weapon and go after him that way. I'd love to see you use all of your attacks on him. Just go

really rowdy you know what I mean oh shit all right so Daryl's like cool cool um let me think of something really cool something like like a really unique weapon that nobody's ever thought of before he picks up a big rock from the ground the all cane and navel special the first weapon

He's like, I'm already enraged, but no, I'll put a little extra rage on top just for you, bud. And then he gets a little extra more enraged and he leaps off the top of the, I guess, the moat and he's going to kind of go and do a big swinging head slam with his rock against Henry. I'm sorry, Will. No! Make a roll. Make an attack roll. I have to role play. Hey, Donald, should I try to kill somebody too? Daisy's like, first of all, you're mine. Don't worry about what Donald's doing. Donald and Daryl have their own relationship. You and I, you and I are going to play this game. Oh, sorry, sorry. I'll let you know when it's done. No, no, it's fine. You don't have to...

It's okay, it's okay. I'll let you know when it's your turn. For now, just enjoy the warmth and the dark and the quiet and the most. Oh, God.

All right, give me a roll. Give me an attack roll. That's a 24 on the hit. Yeah, it's going to hit. My rock is going straight onto Henry's skull. Great. That's going to be a D6 plus three with rage. And it's going to be a bonus action to attempt to grapple him afterwards. Cool. Okay, so you're going to do it. With tax. Damn, we've done more damage to each other than to this freaking monster.

Yeah. A lot more. Yeah. Good job, team. Ooh, one. Yay. So seven. Oh, that's not too bad. The first one. You did seven damage after all that? Hey, Donald, are you sure you don't want me to use my axe? No, man, no. I want you to use the improvised weapon and then when you grapple him, I want you to just like push him under the water and just keep him right down

down there under the water. Oh, yeah, that's cool. That's cool. Drowning's great. I like that. Oh, my God. And my second attack. I hope you like this, Donald. And I slam his head again, and that's also one plus three plus three. That's a seven. So two sevens, 14 damage. Ow! Daryl, cut it out! Hey, Henry, I hope you die. And then I try to grapple him. Being a man is all about pain. You're doing great. Both of you make athletics checks. Henry, if yours is higher than Daryl's, he does not grapple you. Okay, I got a 14. Ooh! Ooh!

On my screen, it looked like a 20, but it was actually a 2 plus 7. That's a 9. All right. You know what it is? Henry flashes back to some Brazilian jiu-jitsu moves that Lark and Sparrow are teaching each other, and he remembers a little bit of Brazilian jiu-jitsu, maybe. I was going to say, that wasn't the type of Brazilian that Henry got. Oh, my God. He's just a little bit slipperier now. Oh, my God.

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Because you've taken your turn, both Apple deaths are going to use legendary actions. They are both going to try to hit Henry with their tails. She's dancing, right? Yeah, so Daisy is going to do it at a disadvantage. Yeah, it has to be a part of her dance move. Yes. Daisy lifts completely. Donald slaps you with his tail. You take 13 damage. All right. Henry's not doing so hot, guys. We need some moves here, guys. Henry, it is your turn.

Henry tastes his own blood like Bruce Lee, and he's like, oh, it's just because he realizes his hands are all slimy from the moat. He's like, oh, yuck. What happens if I use charm person on Daryl? I believe being charmed makes you immune to further charms. Tell that to my ex-boyfriend. So I'm actually looking at this right now. You can charm a charmed person. Tell that to my next boyfriend. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay, I'm going to cast Charm Person on Daryl. All right. Daryl, come on, man. We're buds. This guy's a jerk. What he's got? You're hitting people. He's got you going against your pals. Like, Daryl, that's not okay, man. You got to just remember who you are. You're Daryl Wilson. You're a great guy. You don't go hitting people on the head with rocks. You're like a tender...

loving husband to you. Oh, your wonderful wife and your beautiful son. Thank you, son, Daryl. I mean, Donald's pretty rad. It's a DC 17 saving throw for wisdom. I got three. That's great. Wait, does that mean I'm... It means you're also charmed by Henry. You are now charmed by both Henry and Donald simultaneously. You really like both of them. Love triangles.

We'll do anything to make these two people happy. Henry, I miss my boy. I miss my dad. I miss Carol. She died. She died. And Donald. Hey, Donald. You got to meet my wife sometime, man. Carol's great, but she's dead.

wait is carol what are you talking about carol's not dead yeah she's a mom carol's not dead you're talking nonsense does daryl think carol's dead i mean i buried her if we don't get out she's dead hayden's just shouting like just chill baby just chill it's all good it's all good henry i know you don't think carol's dead but i saw a primer and even though it hasn't happened yet but it did happen before like it's it's all the same there's more of her or something i don't

No. Uncharm him. Give him back to the... Undo, undo, undo. Okay, well, I guess that's my turn. Can I tell Daryl to do something? On his turn, both you and Donald will tell him to do something, and we'll both roll to see which one he listens to. It's like at home with Gran and Carol. So it's like Air Bud. Jody, it is your turn. Come on in, Jimmy. Let's just bust this thing open from the inside. So I cross my arms in front, preparing to enter into the...

gaping single nostril with teeth hole of this creature. And I point my feet down like I'm ready to go on the water slide because I saw Glenn do it and deep down Jody was like... It's like Tom Cruise doing a halo dive. Jimmy, real quick, would you say that swoop swoop is the sound of the police? Oh my God. Would you say that this fight makes you want to swoop? It is, as this cop is going into the belly of one Avalanche. Okay, so give me an acrobatics check. Next time on Dungeons & Daddies, Jimmy rolled a four?

So with a four, you manage to jump into just the mouth of the creature. You're with me. So you basically land in front of Ron's stamp. I go, hey, Ron. Hey. So you're inside its mouth. Ron's pupils look a little bit dilated. You've just barely got a couple of feet in there. But you think you're a big man now that you're in a mouth like me. And you're not. I just stare at Ron and go, could you help me get in here? And I point down. No. No.

I'm going to grab the rope and be like, I think he's shoveling it in too slow. So I'm going to use that and attempt to again, dive into the belly of the beast itself. Okay. That's cool. Yeah. We'll basically call that a sprint. So yeah, you successfully managed to worm your way down the esophagus, holding onto one end of the rope and splash. You land inside the belly. It's pitch black, but you're holding onto the rope and you feel yourself inside the stomach. I forgot the two people inside the stomach when the ablis term was done, have to take 2d 12 damage. So Glenn, go ahead and take 2d 12 damage. Got it. Nicholas takes, uh, 20 damage. Oh,

So he's at 10 then? Yes, he's at 10. I take 17 damage. So now we're at the back of the top of the order and Daisy whispers to you, Ron, and she goes, Ron, are you there? Hey, hey, yeah, hey, Daisy.

It's me, Ron. Do you know what would make me really happy? If I killed somebody? Specifically, if you could cut that rope. Oh, shit. If you could just take one of your little razor sharp business cards and just slice right through that rope for me. Okay. That would just be divine. I'm going to cut it real good for you, but business cards, those are dull. I've got something real sharp. I take out the cantana of cant. And it's like, oh, hello. What are we doing? Oh, it's dark. Hey, so I'm here...

I'm gonna kill our people. Oh, don't do that. It's okay because that's what men do. And I'm here. I'm a man. Men do not have to do this. You're going to have to convince me. If this is going to kill people, you're going to have to convince me that this is a reasonable course of action. Well, Daisy's... It's a persuasion check or something. Well, while you convince me that it's not...

So, you know, if we're doing business here... Well, there are several reasons not to kill your friends. One, they are your friends. Two, it appears you are currently under mind control by a creature who bears you ill intent. What? And three, you will require the consent of me, moi, moi, a German word, to cut this rope and...

Currently, I do not consent to this. So this is going to be pretty difficult for you to make this work, my friend. So go ahead and if you want to roll persuasion, I feel like with disadvantage because this is a clear-cut a case of you shouldn't do this as humanly possible. 16 points.

You said 16? Plus zero, yeah. 16 plus zero. Yeah, you know what? What the hell? Let's go for it. Fuck it. The katana slices through the rope and Jodi, inside the stomach, you feel all of a sudden the rope loses all tension and you plummet down into the stomach and you take 2d12 acid damage. And the katana goes, oh yeah, that was fucking lit. That was cool as hell. Oh shit. So,

Yeah. So in conclusion, even Daisy, she sounds tight. Yes. She's really great. Yeah. Uh,

Yeah. Am I under my control? Maybe, but it feels great. Wouldn't have it any other way. I take 12 damage. Okay, that's not so bad. So Daisy says, That's great, Ron. Just go ahead and stay there. Just use your whole move. Just stay in the mouth. Just make sure nobody gets out. If anybody tries to get out through the mouth, just make sure and hit them with that katana who's now on my side. That's great. I'll tell them, real men stay in the mouth. That is exactly something you should say to people and something we should have on shirts. Yes. Ha ha ha ha.

All right, now Glenn or Daryl, it is your turn. I think there should be a roll. If Donald wins the charm, I think Daryl would try to go first. We have a charm off. We will have a charm off. So we'll just do a D20 roll and then add your wisdom modifier. Or it's actually your charisma modifier, obviously.

Yeah, so Donald got a 16. Natural fucking 20. Yes. Delightful. What do you say that so clearly pierces through the veil of the Aboleth's mind control that it reaches Daryl? I say, Daryl, it's just like in Jack Reacher. It's like, everyone wants to tell Jack Reacher what to do, but Jack Reacher's gotta make up his own mind, you know? I'm not

going to sit here and tell you what to do. You're just like Jack Reacher. You're like, you're your own man, you know? So just think about what Jack Reacher would do and do that. I put my hand out and I shake Henry's hand and I give him a big hug and I say, God, I miss watching Jack Reacher, man. When this is done, me and you, we got to watch a Jack Reacher movie. I'm not crazy about Jack Reacher as a general thing, but you know, I...

Yeah, I'll, you know, you watch it and I'll, you know, I'll be there, but I don't know. I'm going to try not to enjoy the violence. Daryl can't help but wonder if maybe Donald likes watching Jack Reacher movies. You immediately feel a voice. Your head is like, hey man, I don't know what Jack Reacher is, but it sounds like my cup of tea. Get out of my head.

All right, Glenn, you should go first totally. You gotta save your son, man. I want to cast Dissonant Whispers on the Aboleth I'm inside of. If it fails on this wisdom saving throw, it must immediately use its reaction to move as far as its speed allows away from you. I want to argue that that means it would throw us up. Damn. It would certainly try to expel you from its body. Yeah, I think that's fair. Okay, what direction? What?

I think it's easier to vomit on command than it is to shit. So I do think vomiting would happen. It depends on the person. I mean, no, one's a bigger hole out through the mouth than it is. Speak for yourself, Chad. I don't know if that's the logic I would use. While I'm in there, I'm going to grab Nicholas, Nick, and hold him tight. Did you say speak for yourself? Which is the bigger hole?

I'm going to cast Dissonant Whispers. I whisper Discord and meld it. Only one creature of my choice within range can hear, racking it with terrible pain, obviously. Daisy, who I worded the stomach of, right? You were in Daisy, yes. And then I'm going to go, ooh-wah! You must make a wisdom saving throw. Wisdom 17. A 17? I'm sorry, you got a 19. Fuck! I mean, can I help bolster the roll in any way if I realize that his ooh-wah

wasn't enough, but I understand what he's doing. Yeah, you know what? I like that. I like that you're helping him out. So yeah, why don't we say... You're gonna like harmonize with it, Jimmy. Just like in the Down With The Sickness song. Yeah, just like Down With The Sickness. Yeah, Down With The Sickness was a two-part harmony. If you can harmonize with Freddie in real life right now, then Glenn will get another attempt at Dissonant Whispers. Uh-oh. This might awaken something in me. Ooh. I'm just gonna do an octave, Jimmy. Ooh. That's it? You're just doing that? Three, two, one. Harmonize. Ooh.

I'm pretty sure that was not harmonizing. It was! Tell it to the judge, which is me, and the judge does not care that much. Damn. Jimmy, just go the third up! Just go one third up! I think you tried. I think you could hear it through the darkness of this belly, but the splishing and the splashing of the stomach acid just makes it a little bit hard to harmonize. My only move then will be to put Nick on my shoulder so he's out of the acid. Just like the grandma in Dante's Peak! Oh!

Oh my God. Yes, I'm going to Dante's Peak it. That's great. Can we take a quick, like, just pause, speaking of harmonizing, to remember that in Dante's Peak, when they are rowing across the Lake of Acid, for some reason, they had the wherewithal to start singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat in a round. Yeah, that's right. In a round. I lost my goddamn mind. Like, yeah, you're like, you're doing it in a, I couldn't, I can't. Ugh.

Perfect movie. Let's say that by putting Nicholas on your shoulders, his weight pushes you a little bit deeper into the bottom of the stomach and you're going to take 3d12 damage from the acid instead of just 2d12. Since it did succeed, it still takes half as much damage from Dissonant Whispers. Okay. So that's going to be half of 3d6 psychic damage. Is that the first damage we've done against it? Yes. Yes.

So you've done a full six damage to this Aboleth. To one of the two Aboleths. To one of the two Aboleths. Mission accomplished. Because you finished that turn and the Aboleth has now taken six whole damage, it is going to spend one of its legendary actions, or I guess both of the Aboleths are going to spend their legendary actions to once again try to hit Henry with their tails. Fucking hell.

I'm sorry. They're the only one that's not on their team right now. I haven't even had time to fucking wild shape. So only one of them hits you. Okay. So it's going to do 12 damage to you. Okay. As the tale comes, I go, let me do a little, I don't know, some sort of pun about reaching and Jack Reacher. I reduce his damage. Okay. Cause I'm on his team now. Cool. You say, Henry, I'm going to protect you or die trying the second Jack Reacher book by Lee

child. How much do you reduce it by? That's minus 10. I take two damage? Great. Yes. Wow. It's been a real roller coaster. Buddy, I really think if you just gave Jack Reacher a shot, we could have a good, like, I'm just saying, I'll cook a veggie patty and we watch that flick. All right, yeah. You know, I should be open-minded about media, so I'll give it a shot, but, you know, as long as you're open-minded about any questions or criticisms I have about the film, Daryl. We don't gotta watch it. It's cool. Uh,

It's your turn, Daryl. Hey, Peyton, buddy, where are you at? Yeah, Peyton should try and slap Daryl back into reality here. Where have you been, bud? I mean, you always ask me to not get involved in the fights and to stay safe, so I've been hiding behind this bush. I've been hanging out. I always want to get rowdy, but you always try to stop me. So you want me to get rowdy? Do you want me to jump in? Nah, it didn't work well for the other kid. He's just staying there. That's a good plan. Good job, bud. All right, well, then don't be judgy.

Payton, throw a rock at him. It'll be funny. I bet you can't hit him. Oh, you think I can't? I hold my turn for Payton's turn, so Payton can throw a rock at him. Oh, there's going to be egg on your face, Mr. Oak. He rolls a four.

He throws a rock and it sails completely over your left shoulder. And without missing a beat, he's like, first one's a warning. It's all good, bud. You haven't had a lot of time to play catch. We'll play catch when this is all done. Well, I mean, Henry, you got to tell me what to do, bud. Kick that thing's ass, Daryl. Go smack, cut a big hole in its stomach. Cool, cool, cool, cool. And I point at Daisy. Yeah, I'm just going to fucking swing at this thing. Yeah. I roll a 15 on the first hit. That is going to.

just barely deflect off of its kite in a shell. Son of a bitch! And then I turn around and I swing again. Okay. Oh, man, I got 12. Darn it, Henry, sorry. I'm just freaking rusty right now. Donald's like, I see what you're doing. Keep it up, man. I look at him and say, see, bud, even your old, even big boy Daryl here just misses sometimes. The Aboleth that was dancing on the end of its turn, it actually did successfully save, so it's no longer dancing. Oh, man. So with Daryl's turn done...

It's going to spend its last legendary action of the go around. Daisy and Donald are both going to try to attack Henry. Oh, man. So I have exceptionally bad news. Oh, boy. They both hit. So one hits and the other crits. Oh, my God. So you are going to take 96 plus 96. I'm sorry. Each hit is 3D6 and then plus five. So it's going to be 96 plus five. Oh, my God. So you take 27 damage. All right. Well, Henry fucking.

goes down and I believe is in water. So that's probably not great. Shit. So yes, Henry unfortunately goes unconscious in water and now it is the two Aboleth's turns. So Daisy, now free of the dancing, sees Daryl's, I guess, divided loyalties. It shrugs as much as an Aboleth is capable of doing so. Daisy is going to dive into the water and just spend her whole turn just dashing away from Daryl and Henry.

So if you imagine the moat as a circle encircling Book Castle and you all are at midnight, basically, Daisy dashes all the way to nine o'clock. Oh my God. So you'll have to take a full dash essentially to reach her if you are outside of Daisy. If I was leaping with the axe...

I probably landed on Daisy and was like swinging my axe at her. Can I roll like a dexterity or something to try to hang on? Sure, but since you actually missed your attacks, why don't you roll that dexterity with disadvantage? First one's an 11. Not great. Second one's a 10 and I get plus three, four. This is not a dex save, is it? So it's a 10. A 10, it bucks you off the second it starts swimming in the other direction. I hit the water and I watch it go and then a rock hits my head and I go, good job, Peyton. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

You're welcome, baby. I told you I'd do it. Okay, so, oh God, this is awful. Donald is going to dive into the water and not even have to roll for it because Henry is unconscious. It's just going to open its whole mouth and just swallow Henry down into its stomach as well. Oh, fuck. He's going to get food poisoning, though.

Okay, so you take 2d12 damage, Henry. Okay, how does that work with being dead? If you get to negative whatever your max HP is, you are dead forever. 2d12? Go ahead, Anthony. I don't roll my own damage. Oh, you don't roll your damage? No. When has that ever been the rule? Oh, that's a good point. I forgot.

I like to think that as like a rich person thing to say that I don't roll my eyes. I have people to do that for me. If you're going to hurt me, you better roll it yourself, baby. Henry takes 13 damage. He's being swallowed by this thing. Glenn, you take 20 damage. Jesus. Jody, you're going to take...

15 damage and Nicholas because he's held up of the water. He only takes one D 12 damage. He only takes three damage. He's at seven HP. He's at seven HP. So now Henry, it is your turn. Give me a death save. So how do I do that? So here's how a death save works. When you have zero HP or less, you go into death save mode. That means on your turn, you have to roll just a straight D 20. It's luck. It's not modified by any stats. If the role is 10 or higher, you succeed. Otherwise you fail.

On your third success, you become stable. You get one HP back. So you are essentially, you can't really do anything too sexy, but you're conscious and you're not going to die. You're stabilized. If you get three failures, your character is dead forever. If you take damage equal to your max HP, but like negatively, so if you have 50 HP as your max and you take negative 50 damage, you are dead forever, regardless of how many successes or failures you have. So on this turn of Henry's, go ahead and give me your first death save. Really, D20, you're going for 10 or higher. I got it.

A six. Oh no. That's one failure. You were two failures away from Henry being dead forever. Great. Jody, it is now your turn. I want to have a conversation with Jody in this little scene here if we could, because we're all in the stomach here and we're flying away. Okay. My knees are buckling and I go, Jody, there's a lot of crazy shit going on here, but you're going to need to come to terms real fucking quick with the fact that you're part demon. And I know you don't want to think about it.

But you can't lie to yourself forever. Believe me. That's what I did, man. I've been lying to Nick this whole time. And it tears me up more than anything else. More than any of this shit, man. I'm... What? I'm a DJ, okay? What are you talking about? You think I can make a living...

Just playing Christmas music? What? Just 11 other months in the year, dude. The rest of the time, I got a fucking public storage space in Reseda. I got some PA speakers in there. I play weddings and events. Oh my God. I'm more of a DJ than I am a cool rock bard. I've always kept it from Nick, okay? And I've been lying to him. And I can't ever... And I realize... Lying to yourself, man...

You're only gonna hurt yourself. I know Nick, and he's the kind of kid that doesn't care who you are. He doesn't care if you're a cop, he doesn't care if you're a rockstar, he just wants his dad, alright? So if you can just be a fucking dad for him, I don't think he'll care if you're a demon, but I could use you as a demon right now. You know when Henry, like, kind of offhandedly said that Glenn's special powers to get all the uncles on the dance floor? He was right. I don't know how he knew it, he probably sussed it out, but he was right, okay?

That is my special power. I play the fucking cha-cha slide and the fucking uncles go crazy. Okay? I know exactly when to drop the Cupid shuffle. I know nobody likes the fucking line dances, but I do it. Okay? I fucking play the line dances. I play the fucking line dances. We gotta go. They're playing...

You know why I play the fucking line dances? It's not because I like them. It's because I have to. I imagine as I'm watching this, he's just sinking slower into the beast. It's the scene from Volcano where the guy jumps off the thing and he slowly melts it. It's just that. And he throws the guy. Yes. So Jody, I could use your help, man. So Jody, as he's saying this,

You hear that music. And you see a vision of yourself clad in fire, both shapeless and formless, except for the pure beauty of your flame. And you know, to more or less assertitude, that you could...

very easily get rowdy on these two abalettes so that your level is considerably higher than theirs that said you also know that very much like pringles once you pop you cannot stop and who knows how violent you may get once killing comes back into your uh your purview as a character that is just it's a thing that i love to do it's your favorite thing it's great that's what demons love to do and you may not be able to shut it off but who knows well so the first thing i want to do because

Because it's my turn, correct? It is now your turn. Henry's in here. He's literally dying. Henry is in the other Aboleth. He's in the other Aboleth? Henry is in Donald, but the rest of you are in Daisy. Is he within range? No, you were at nine o'clock on the moat and he is at 12 o'clock. I'm just trying to think.

You also, I know it seems like I'm trying to railroad you into this, but you genuinely don't have to. I have another way out of this that doesn't involve you turning into a demon. No, no. But at the same time, you know, maybe Jimmy Wong needs to get back to his life without the podcast. What? There's life without a podcast? Yeah, just go straight to my other podcast. I am going to cast something called Beacon of Hope.

Whoa! That's a great spell. If you've watched the recent Mortal Kombat movie...

The main character has flashes of scorpion every time he looks at like an old picture or he hears the name and that scorpion's stuck in hell and it's surrounded by flames. And so that's sort of a similar, you know, I get my inspiration from movies like that. Oh, okay. So if you're keeping track, the movies that you need to watch, dear listener, are Dante's Peak, Volcano, Mortal Kombat. Nobody feel the need to watch Mortal Kombat in order to understand what Jimmy's saying. I literally watch it. My eyes did not leave the screen and I did not see that. My phone's not working.

And what's stuck in my head is a weird combination of two things. So I start chanting as I begin to cast this spell and to imbue everyone around me with hope and vitality that we're going to get out of this. I start going, get up. Come on, get down with the sickness. Get up. Come on. Get down with the sickness. Get up. Come on. Get down with the sickness. And it's starting to do this mashup with the...

And then Glenn also, for bardic inspiration, starts helping along. It's a sweet medley, only one that a DJ could imagine in their head. That's true. It's the ultimate mashup mix. Remixing it. I was going to say it's called Down with the Immigrant, but that's a really bad mashup title. Oh my god.

No, get up. Come on, get down with the immigrant because you want to get down with the sick. Okay, sure. That's way better. I'm getting down with the immigrant as the drums peak. Jody just lets out a primal harmonizes. Jody like hears it and she's just like, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop,

And there we go. Matt is invited to karaoke. Ooh, that's good. And you're dying. That's your death curl. Henry does that as he's sizzling an acid in his sleep. Payton, what does Payton sing? We need to hear the Ron harmonizing version.

Oh my God. It's terrifying. Holy shit. So I would like to argue, Anthony, that the impact of this beautiful vocalization does cast Beacon of Hope on Henry as well, who will get a advantage on death saving throws. I like that. Okay. So as you embrace your inner truth and you hit that note, as you hit the drop on Immigrant Song...

all the dads that you have befriended in the time that you've been together. However brief, although it has felt long at times, not because of your fault, it's more of an Anthony problem that it's felt long for a while, but like in the time that you've been with them, all of their voices, without even them realizing it, they open their mouths and they also, as you just heard, and they join you in this one moment of song and inside the stomach of Daisy Diaboleth,

where it's pitch black, there's a pinprick of light that appears within your chest. And that light, as you sing, gets brighter and bigger and brighter, and it becomes a flame. And that flame explodes outward from your chest, and it illuminates the face of Nicholas Foster. And you didn't see this when it was pitch black, but as Glenn was talking about how he had to lie to Nick about who he is and about being a DJ and all these things, Nick said,

also felt something inside of him. His cheeks are wet with tears because it's so confusing and he feels his spirit being pulled in two different directions. He feels and hears within him and

And as Glenn talks, it gets louder and louder. And he begins to understand the voice of Glenn Close is becoming familiar to him. He begins to remember the voice of Glenn Close in his ear, comforting him when times are tough, sitting next to him and not talking when he gets home from school as they would just watch face off. Or play Call of Duty and fucking prestige twice. Or play Call of Duty or do any number of things that are not talking about his feelings.

And as that gets louder in him, a fire ignites in his chest as well. And it gets bigger and brighter. At the same time, both of your chests explode with fire. You become entirely a creature of flame and rock and vengeance and violence. And he becomes...

Half of that. He becomes exactly 50% of that. In the light of his own fire, Glenn, as you look up at him for a brief moment, it's Nick. And he looks at you dead in the eyes. And for a second, all of this confusion and all this fear and all this panic are replaced with just the briefest flash of recognition. The world goes entirely quiet and you see this child look at you and he just says, oh

almost to himself, but in a way that is crystal clear as it just rings like a bell in your ear. He says, I'm ready.

Ready for the big ride, baby. And he explodes and his hair turns into fire and a guitar appears in his hands and the top of the Aboleth explodes and Ron is thrown into the air. Ron is eviscerated. Ron, suddenly you feel all the sadness in the world as the one person who truly understood you, his head just exploded and you were once again alone with your thoughts. But fuck you, we're not talking about you right now. Okay. Incredible.

You fall into the moat. As you fall, Jodi, you remember, you are not Jodi. You are Zhao De, the demon of rock and anger and pain. And you remember that when you were constrained in the Battle Axe of Hatred, that there was one name written on it.

And that one name became a very big priority to you, that it was somebody that you would try to save at all costs. And that name was, hi, I'm Ron. So as Ron falls, you feel an instinct stronger than almost anything other than your obligation to your son to rescue Ron. The way he's falling, he's going to crack his head on the side of the moat and it's going to be bad. So what are you going to do in this moment, Jodi, that you have the powers of a demon? You could go pretty buck wild or you can Google like D&D. There's a demon called Balor that I based a lot of your stats off of.

B-A-L-O-R. A baller, if you will. Baller. Call me baller. Baelor, I believe. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. So I've exploded in light. I look as cool as the Balrog. Oh, my gosh. Look at all these things I have. Oh, shit. This thing's fucking badass. Holy shit. Yeah, it's very cool. Oh, shit.

Guys, Jim, if you wanted to, he could take us down with him. He could kill every person on this podcast. You could just end it right here, right now. End the podcast, you coward. I mean, if I'm not on the podcast, why should they continue? You know, honestly. I'm going to look up and I spy Ron with my little eye and I go, I am Ron.

and I'm gonna teleport and I'm just gonna blink out of existence with all my equipment up to 120 feet to right literally where Ron is and just do the thing where it's like in the lines across like it's anime like Goku shit yeah yeah I Goku right up to Ron and literally as Ron's in the air I Goku with my arms out so he just gently lands in my warm extremely hot embrace but I can control my flames and

So I use it to make a nice bed for Ron's body and the rest of my body is, it explodes and flames a little more because obviously I have to temper it here. That's dope as hell. It's just so fucking cool. Really cool. It's fucking dope. Very cool. I feel like now that you've done this, you also get a turn as Balor the demon. So you've done that. You saved Ron sort of as a reaction. From where you are in the sky, you can see Donald at the other end of the moat,

And you can sense that Henry is inside of him. Oh my god, you guys. And Daisy is okay, right? Daisy's dead. You exploded the head off of Daisy. That's dead. He's dead. He just blew off. That's why Ron's a little bad. No more damage is going to get done to the kids or anything. They're all fine. They're fine. They're just in the water. We all live happily ever after. Okay, when I talk about kids, I meant the other dads, by the way.

Everyone is a kid to you now. Jimmy, you gotta do that anime thing where you teleport and it's just like, oh, you didn't hit it at all, or did you? And it slides and, you know what I'm saying? Yes! You just teleport to the other side of the mode and you stand there. It's like, what did he do? And then all of a sudden the thing explodes behind you. Yes! Okay, so I do have a multi-attack. I can make two attacks, one with my long sword and one with a whip. Fuck, dude. So what I'm going to do is, now that I'm holding Ron and I look at Ron and I go, wanna go for a ride? Ha!

I... No. It's been a really hard day. I look down. Are we above the water now? You are above the water, yeah. Okay, I'm going to literally position Ron to drop down feet first in the way that you would go, and I just let go of him, so he drops into the water. He drops harmlessly into the water, like he just jumped off a diving board. Oh, God. Oh, God.

As Ron down there splashes into the water, you see Nicholas the Demon, which we call him, so we come up with Nick D. You see Nick D. Nick Cannon. You see Nick Cannon. You see Nick Cannon.

You see Nick the Cannon Foster. His name is now Nicky Six. Nicky Six. Jump onto his flaming guitar and it begins to levitate and he just rises up to meet your eye and he just nods at you with flaming eyes and he goes, after you, Dad. Oh, damn. He has like a guitar hoverboard. Isn't Little Nicky the movie that's like in hell? Yeah. Yes, Little Nicky, unfortunately. It was one I was hoping nobody would mention. Little Nicky, that's his name. Sorry. Oh, damn. Do the voice. Chicago.

I don't know. I've never seen the movie. It's very bad. I did a perfect impression of it. It's a bad movie. So I'm going to use my whip and I'm going to wrap the whip around. It can magically extend. Wait, I missed that you had a whip. I didn't even know you had a whip. Oh my God. It just gets better and better. He's got a lightning sword and a fire whip. That's what Balor has or Balor. Oh God. Okay. So I whip super hard and it wraps around the whole body of the aboleth that contains Henry. And as I tighten it, I look at Nick and go like, dude,

your turn. So as you tighten it and flames begin to cook the throat of the Aboleth as it's like, and Daryl, you could hear Donald going, dude, dude, don't let me go like this. Let me ask Henry. What's up? You hear nothing. Henry is dying inside of that thing. All right. I'm

I'm coming. And I start swimming towards Donald. Nicholas flies toward the Aboleth on his guitar and then leaps into the air, reaches down, grabs his guitar, holds it up like a sword and slashes. And right where you've tightened the whip around his neck, he just whoosh, chops into the neck of the Aboleth and basically slices it, not completely off, but just like in half. So now he's like a Pez dispenser, basically. And...

Green mucus and blood just begin to spurt out of it. Thankfully, none of it Henry's because you would be able to smell the granola. It is clearly dying and it starts to sink into the water and it is dead. It's dead. You both have father and son demonically have killed the fuck out of this creature. Now you are going to give me a wisdom saving throw to make sure that you don't have a continued hunger for murder. Oh no. I see.

I do get plus two on saves, which is great. Oh, I rolled a natural one. What? Yeah, I rolled a natural. You can see it right there. I rolled a natural one plus six. Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me? But I rolled a natty one. That's all that matters. Are you fucking kidding me? My God. I wouldn't have it any other way. So you...

All right, so you destroy this thing, but you feel it. You've spent so long as Jody trying to be a good boy, trying not to kill anybody, trying to be a paragon of virtue and nonviolence. And now he's got a Brazilian wife. And now you feel you're in the killing mood and you have to kill something else. I was the best boy. I was such a good boy. You feel it. You gotta do it. So...

With that natural one, I just like, instead of taking any moment to process what just happened, I just get that like, like happy look on my face. Like, oh, this is what I meant to do. And I spin my head around and I scan below. And obviously I'm not going to hurt Ron. That's completely still against me. Go for it. My baby boy, Ron's the number one. You know, we all love Ron. His harmony was the best of the whole group by far. Street team, street team. And I just...

I do the little like laser eye Terminator point. What is the scouter saying? Yeah, and I lock on to the most powerful person in the group, the highest level person, obviously with the biggest arm, clearly, because I want to kill the strongest. And I look directly at Glenn Close with murderous intent. And you remember everything that happened to you when you were Jody. So you remember this guy antagonizing the shit out of you. Constantly trying to ruin your shit and trying to outdo you and arguing with you in front of your son and stuff. So there's some of that residual anger is probably simmering a little bit below the surface.

Yeah. And as a rock and roll demon, you know that as a DJ, he never paid for the music. No. Yeah, that's actually the... Nothing but pirated... No ASCAP royalties coming from this guy. Just call me LimeWire. It does that anime thing where it just cuts to the mouth and you just see Glenn go... Yeah, so I'm going to take a legendary action, which is just I get to do whatever the fuck I want. And...

As my whip sort of like coils back into my hand, this time I raise up my sweet lightning long sword and I do a cool like, like I'm in Mulan or some shit, you know? And I, and I, and then Glenn draws his gun. This is the fucking most metal fucking shit. Yes. So you've got the gun. Joe Demon has, Joe Demon has the lightning blade and Joe Demon begins to scream towards you like a bad

out of hell, which he is, I guess. And Glenn pulls the hammer back. Let's see you dodge this. You can feel your hair begin to stand on end as the static electricity from the lightning blade begins to get closer and closer to you. Zack Snyder. Oh my god, this is so sexy. This is the fucking most metal this podcast has ever gotten. Our hair is both being blown back by what we're doing, and it's like a slow motion thing like the Valkyries in Thor. Glenn's bullet meets your sword, but it's like two energy beams, and Glenn's gotta squeeze the trigger even harder to keep the bullet going. But

I want to be clear also, Glenn's holding the gun cool sideways. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, of course, obviously. Oh, nice, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With one hand, yes. With one hand, like the hair is kind of covering an eye. Maybe not that. It'd be harder to aim, but you know what I'm saying. Just a little bit of blood dribbling out of the lip. Also, Ron is like looking for the lure and is not looking at any of this. Yeah, Ron's just like, oh, I lost it.

- I lost the lure. - Yeah. - Glenn, you feel your finger begin to tighten around the trigger of your human gun. Joe Demon, you feel the rush of adrenaline going into your hand as you prepare for the jolt as the sword enters Glenn's body and gives you that bloody satisfaction. - And Glenn goes, "Heh, I always knew it'd end like this. "The moment I became a Christmas rock and roller, "the moment I picked up a guitar, "I knew this is how I would end."

And then the last moment before you can make contact and blood can be spilt, a single guitar chord plays so loud that it deafens you. There's a shockwave. And suddenly... Glenn's hearing is already shot, so he doesn't react. And suddenly, little Nick is floating between both of you on his guitar, and it blasts both of you backwards. And he looks at you, Joe Demon, and he shakes his head. And he turns, and he looks at you, Glenn, and...

And he just gives you the smallest nod. Oh, God. Is it a down nod or an up nod? It's a down nod. Dang. Okay, shit. It's hmm. It's not sup. Shit. Oh, damn. Fuck, dude. It's clearly sup, which goes up and dun, which goes down. And he turns back to you, Joe Demon, and he goes, let's go home. Oh.

He makes a devil horns with his fingers and he draws a circle in the air that cuts reality apart. Can he do his eyebrows right after with like flaming fingers? He does. And the flames lick off the corners of his eyebrows. And little Nick cuts a hole into reality that leads directly to the infernal plane where you can hear rock music and fire and screaming and pain and awesomeness. And he gestures to it, Joe Demon, and you know that your mother, Dee Snider, is in there and she's waiting to see you. And it's been...

a very, very long time since you've seen her and she's waiting for, and you know, your place is in the, the infernal realm with your son and with your mother. You enter the realm of what's called our Rolodex. And when you have a schedule opening, we'll bring you back in. Yeah. You entered the realm of goo,

Google calendars where the power of scheduling will eventually allow you to return to this realm. Is Ashley Burch also chilling down there? Yes. And the, like the Hey Real People? Yeah, Hey Real People down there. Yeah, yeah, Jenna's down there. Damn, they're rocking out. What are you going to do in this moment to say goodbye? If at all. I take off my badge, which is dangling off of my now monstrously buff chest. And I look at it.

And in the reflection, you know how it's kind of warped? It's like one of those moments where you see it. Dang, it's like the warped reflection, dude. So I look at it and I kind of see my face in it, both as human and when I turn a little more, it turns to demon and back to human. It's like one of those pictures that you never want to touch. It gives you the icky wickies when you touch it, you know? But you move the picture, you see both things. So you sing reflection from Mulan. Yeah.

It cuts right down the middle of my face. And on one side, I feel my family devotion requiring me to do something. Okay, so actually, truly, that's what's happening. I don't shed a tear, but I definitely feel a tinge of an emotion that I think a demon never feels because I'm supposed to be someone that gets powered by hatred and rage.

And I remember that even though every single person in this family of daddies and friend Glenn has just taken extremely nonsensical actions and put us all in danger, always seem to forget they even had kids, just constantly were doing things that were against my Jody Foster nature. I still feel a deep,

deep, enduring love for all of them. But it's very distant, even as it was distant in Jody as well, because he could never really let that part of him open. And as I feel that, the badge keeps turning and I get back to my really sick-looking demon face. And I look at it and I'm like, oh yeah, that's who I am.

And I flick the badge down to Ron in the water. Oh, no, I'm under arrest now. I'm going to look at Ron just knowingly that you're still my dude and I got to protect you. So I'm here for you. You look so scary. OK, you know how to summon me. How do I summon you? You can feel you get one save if you're ever really in danger and the conditions are right. We'll roll and there's a chance that.

that Joe Demon will break the barrier between the planes and come to your rescue. It might not happen. He might roll poorly, but he'll know when you're in bad danger. Or I might be busy reading a book or hanging out with my mom, doing anything. He might be doing a Magic the Gathering podcast. He might be hanging out with Post Malone. Yeah, I might be podcasting. Yeah, no, that... Yeah. Podcasts down in hell are pretty sick. Yeah, no, I understand. All right, so are you going to head through the portal, or do you have anything else you want? Yeah, I'm going to start flying towards the portal, tucking my wings in, and just...

Like a little comet on its way out. A bright, shining star of a podcaster. And everybody claps. Little Nick turns and gives a glance to each of the dads. I assume by this point you'll all have dragged Henry back onto shore and healed him up and everybody's conscious and stuff. And Peyton's there just pushing on Henry's chest, even though Henry's already awake again. One, two, three, four, five, six. Bye-bye, Butterfree.

Little Nick just looks across all of you wordlessly and then once again just locks eyes with Glenn. Glenn turns over to him and he goes, hey, Nick. Proud of you, buddy. He cocks a half smile at you and he throws up the devil horns. I throw the horns back. And then he turns the devil horns into a middle finger and he jumps backward through the portal and he goes, ha ha.

And Glenn goes, nice. Yeah, and the portal closes behind him, leaving you in the silence as Joe Demon and Little Nick disappear back to their home. And for the second time in your life, you have lost someone very important to you. Glenn turns to the rest of the group and goes like, fucking Joe, the guy really milked his fucking eggs, am I right? What an asshole. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

♪ It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ Even if you die, it'll be alright ♪ ♪ It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ All you do is try, it'll be alright ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. And Jimmy Wong as Jodie Foster. Theme song is All Right by Max Stinn-Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Special thanks to our patrons, folks like Matthew, Mo Dews, Mike Palfreyman, Nathaniel A. Collum, Sensual Sona, Ari King, Morgan Lisa, Linda Mervine, Arnaldo Laiva, Clay Tilton, Ivan Sesson, Austin Ives, Matt Browns, Balal Balal, Yumiko Hampton, Caroline Berstad, Rachel Gaines, Gorloff,

and Lucas M. Jansen. If you're hankering for more dad content, you can find it on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Talking Dad, which is available at all levels of support, is an after show where we talk about the episode and you'll hear tasty and tantalizing what-ifs, including the dad facts.

too spicy to make it onto the main episode. There's a bunch of other rewards for you to check out as well. There's a Discord where we do listen-along parties every time a new episode is released. It's a grand old time. Check it out. HTTPS colon slash slash patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. AOL keyword daddies.

This episode marks if everything goes according to plan the last episode before we return to in-person recordings as everybody has been vaccinated. We've been holding off on recording the latter half of the final Star Wars bonus stretch goal until we can record in person. So that's where that is. And new patrons will have that to look forward to as well. That's right. We did a Star Wars miniseries. Check out our Patreon. You can find us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit is r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Merch and more at DungeonsandDaddies.com.

Hope everyone in the U.S. got their taxes done. Our next episode comes out June 1st. We will see you then. And that flame explodes outward from your chest and it illuminates the face of Nicolas Cage? No, what's your fucking last name? Nicolas Cage. Holy shit.

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fucking watches because I got, check this out, I got a little drawer that's got two little poles on it to hold watches and then an acrylic cover to protect those watches. The mahogany. And I got it. I was like, this is the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't have watches, but I need watches. Was it in black or mahogany, bro? It was, pfft.

It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

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