Ep. 60 - Goblin
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Previously on Project Runners... This week your challenge was to examine your feelings about fatherhood and explore your fears.

Glenn, I know you recently experienced the loss of your demon son to a hell dimension. You are also a DJ. Yeah, but that don't bother me no more. I got my eyes up, baby. Let's see your design. Me and Nick Jr. got a pretzel. So you didn't complete the design. Heidi, Miss Klum, if I may, maybe eating a pretzel was Glenn's design. Very symbolic and conceptual, Glenn. Great job. We're trying to support Glenn right now. He's going through a really tough time.

What about your design, Henry? Oh, well, I made an ensemble with the utility of a backpack and the architecture of pants. A sort of cargo pant, if you will. I see. How does that reflect one of your sons spontaneously hating you? I, uh, well, you know, I, I, you know, really tried to, uh, really tried, oh my

- Oh my sonny! - Hey guys, I got some polos! Some green polos with the Pep Boys logo on it. But the boys are us! - Ron, you're about to face your evil father. What was your design? - I don't wanna think about that now, but look at my fabulous thigh-high tube socks. Normally we only eliminate one designer per episode, but in this case-- - Actually, it's two polo shirts! - I'm not sure anyone will survive next week. - Woo! Just got a thousand gold, baby! And holy shit, is that John Deere tractor?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Oh, it's a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Since when? Oh.

Arguable. Yeah. It is about four dads, or I guess three dads and their friend. No, you're a dad, Glenn. Once a dad, always a dad. Four dads. One might be the dad of a rat. 40 to 50 feral dads. 40 to 50 feral dads. Belonging to a land of high fantasy and magic in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll DJ bard of the group. DJ Danger Close.

DJ Danger Close. This week's Glenn fact, a little bit more about the DJ career. Glenn got into DJing at a time when like turntablism was super hot. So he got really good at doing like the wiki, you know, like all the sick, you know, turntablism beats. There's a one thing you find out if you're good at turntablism and you play anywhere. Nobody wants to listen to you scratch records. No, thank you. Hard no from everybody. So that's a skill set that went to waste. I would actually like that.

You know, so. You say that now. You say that now. Because you would want that. Yeah, if you want to clear a dance floor, you take a song that people like and you start scratching over it and you just watch everybody stop moving. They're like, oh, okay. Okay, all right. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold, real life dad playing a fictional dad. Matt Nippleplay Arnold. Matt Nippleplay Arnold. That's what I'm known for. What are you talking about? Matt has gone so fucking far. I'm yes Andy, I'm yes Andy, but Beth said...

We're in a weird energy. You'll find out why during Anthony's dad fact. Listener, I don't know what he's talking about. He just started saying nipple play. Hi, I'm Anthony Gaslight Birch. That's right. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms. I have to stop myself from saying his wife every time you say Anthony. Every episode.

Okay, so I have two dad facts. This is specifically because Anthony said the podcast is no longer going to be funny. So I have two dad facts. Yeah, that's what I said. I have two dad facts. Neither of them funny. One of them's not funny by design. The other one's just probably not funny. One will be for next week. One's this week. Do you want the not funny one? Oh my God.

Give me the intentionally not funny one. The intentionally not funny one? Yeah. Okay, so for after Frank died, Daryl couldn't pick up the phone from his mother for about 10 years because his mom's the one that called him to tell him that his dad died. Oh my god. Wow, that's

great. You see the name and he just like couldn't answer. He would just have to call back later. He couldn't pick up that phone. That's cool. But he would still talk to her. He would call her. Yeah, eventually. But he couldn't answer that phone because of what he remembered. Because it might be that his dad was dead again. Yeah, he was an idiot.

Daryl, your dad already died. I've got good news and bad news, Daryl. I remarried. Bad news is he died too. All right. Wow. Jeepers creepers. Nipple play. All right, go. Go, Will. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oakley, Birkenstock Rockin', Crunchy Munchy, and Nipple Whipple Druid Death. Nipple Whipple? Yeah, I'll take a large nipple whipple.

Does that come with sprinkles? He's a druid. He's a dad. His name's Henry Oak. I play him. My Henry fact this week, Henry's favorite color is the rainbow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it really is. Happy pride. Yeah. Happy pride, man. You know, it's.

You know, it's like all the colors come together. What can they accomplish? A beautiful rainbow. That's why it's his favorite color. But they still say separate. No, but they're all like... Separate but equal. Yeah, yeah. I get it. All right. Five plus beautiful. I thought it was B.B. Ferguson. I get it. Yeah. I love it. Hello. My name is Beth May. Beth Miracle Nip May. Oh, my God. The tangy zip of Miracle Nip. Put him on anything. And I play...

Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, that actually comes from... Good for him. Good for him. Actually comes from... I'm not going to make it through this episode. I know, we'll be okay. We're so scared of how fucking evil Anthony's going to get in 10 seconds. It's like, get all the yucks out now. No, I'm excited to be sad. I'm excited to be sad.

Oh my God. Well, fun Beth May fact. I love crying. Okay. But also fun fact about Ron that came from Freddie. Good for him. I dreamt this dad fact. I woke up and I was like, I guess this is okay. And she was like, it was good. I'm like, no, it wasn't that good. But well, actually reading it now, I'm not actually sure.

Is this a fucking writer's workshop? What is going on? Just say the thing. Okay, okay. Ron has a porn folder, but it's not his. It belongs to whoever tore it out of the magazine originally. But I'm like, this still is like, what magazine? Where? Where did he find it? But you know what? I think that really counts. Wait, wait. I don't understand. Wait.

he has a folder it's a so is it a physical folder folder out of a magazine it's ron calls the centerfold in a porno mag the porn folder it's a full you're funny okay i get that that's okay like a mad fold in yeah exactly yeah yeah he's like and it's like what's like ron has a porn folder it's like yes it's this one page i have a bunch i have so many yeah uh hi it's me anthony your

Your dad. When I say your dad, I'm referring to these four people, not you, listener. We're not friends. I want to keep, I want to head that parasocial bullshit off of the past. Nice. I don't know you. I don't know you. I don't know you. So my dad fact is the reason we're all kind of punch drunk is I got here what I thought was early. I was about 15 minutes early and I was like, oh, you know what I can do while I'm here is get my will and testament signed over the internet. This is true. Using an online notary. And so it ended up taking an hour and a half. Yeah.

And everyone was just sitting here waiting to record while Matt and Freddie and I stood next to my camera talking to a notary in Florida who could not have been less enthused with our jokes. Really couldn't have. At some point, Matt, when I was signing, Matt said... She smiled. She laughed. She kind of laughed. Matt said, hey, have you ever notarized anything by somebody so famous as he was signing something? And she went, probably. Probably.

She was great. I like Anthony starting off with this, like, I'm going to block my parasocial bullshit right now after two weeks of talking about his butthole wax and now talking about how he's preparing for his own demise. You can know about my ass. You can't know about my heart. But that said, my will and testament is done. So when you see me, if you want to kill me, I can't argue with it.

Also, here's a warning for this episode. There's a good chance they're going to meet Willie and it's going to be really dark. So this is a content warning, not just for the listeners, but for everybody in this room. He's going to be peak mean. Nothing has changed with Willie. He's going to be a very bad, very cruel, emotionally abusive person. But I'm going to be bringing the heat, too. Yeah, but Beth is going to be... Actually, I don't know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

So to summarize, last episode, you went to a mall, somehow got away with a thousand extra gold. Somehow. You ended up with a John Deere lawnmower that, to use Matt's terms, wooden slabs were attached to that is now your transportation. Just call us Parker Lewis because we can't lose. Anyone? I don't want. Parker Lewis can't lose.

It was a Ferris Bueller type show. Yeah, it was good. Parker Lewis Can't Lose is an American teen sitcom that originally aired on Fox from September 1990 to June 1993. Produced by Climb Phillips Productions. Okay, Aaron. Last time we left you, you said you were on your way to Swankery Hill, the location of Ron Stampler's anchor and the final anchor of the group. And you had the suspicion that you were going to run into Willie. What anchors have we actually destroyed, though?

You haven't destroyed any other than Glenn's blunt. Did we destroy the blunt? No, no, I don't think we destroyed it. No, but it's got no power anymore. Yeah, well, you dropped it and kind of broke because Daryl was trying to roll it into something, right? And then Nick's not your kid anymore. Yes, it has, it lost all of its power. But yeah, it's not broken, broken.

Just to summarize what happened with the other anchors, you still have them. The overnight oats, you still have. The supper bowl, you have. But you also know, because Aaron told you, that there was a cloaking spell on it, that the anchor isn't actually the supper bowl. The anchor is Hayden. And the supper bowl itself is just the cloaking spell. Well, it's also like if we break the supper bowl, won't like... Then all of his memories will go back to him. He'll become my dad. He has the soul of your dad right now. He will then also have the memories of your dad. But yeah, the final anchor, you don't know what form it'll take, but you know that it's in Swankery Hill. So do you want to just...

approach Swanker Hill and just get right to it? Yeah, I mean, I could actually use somebody to take out some extra aggression on. Does anybody want to? Oh, right here, buddy. Right here. I put my arms up. Oh, well, Ron, you could just, like, lower the blades on this mower and just be trimming as you go. I could teach you some mindfulness breathing exercises. I don't want, but... You know what, Henry?

What if you pretend to be Willie and I'll just say everything that I want to say? All right, we can do some role play. That's, you know... All right, okay. Hey, Ron, it's me, Willie, your dad. Hey, you're not a good person and I don't think that you should be around here. Well, you're stupid, Ron. I... No, you're stupid and I don't think that you...

wear your clothes well and you're dead. Oh, ouch. You got me so bad. Terry Jr. Patsy on the back and goes, got him. Hey, Ron, that was really good. That was really great. Yeah. Yeah. No, I felt, I felt good about it. Let me know if you want to try again and we can up the difficulty. I feel like that was like Willie on easy mode, but like, I don't know. I felt pretty angry, you know, like that was me going pretty hard. So maybe, yeah. Well, I was also thinking that like,

It's been a while since we've seen him. And so maybe he won't be, you know, maybe he's changed his mind. Ron, he cut off Walter's legs.

Just recently. I mean, Bounty Hunter. I mean, it's... I don't know why I'm defending him. Yeah. Henry, just by instinct, is like devil's advocate. Henry's like doing the defense attorney for the mafia. It wasn't actually Will. You know, Ron, I think a good mantra at times like this, a Rantra, if you will, is to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. You know, maybe he's chilled out a little bit, but in case he hasn't, we got to go in ready, you know,

Ready. Ready for the... What is it, Glenn? How does it go? It's ready for the big ride, comma, baby. Ready for the big ride, baby. I'm so fucking angry and pumped and manly and I'm just gonna... You know, there's no better businessman than I am because I'm about business.

And I'm about, man, and... You know what? Let's seize this energy before Ron crashes, because I feel like this is, we're only going to get so much of this. What do you mean crash? I just, let's go with the flow. Let's go with the, you know, let's seize the moment, and let's go. But first, I do want to say goodbye to my boys, because I assume we're not taking them with us, right? We're not going to take the kids to Willie. Like, he's really fucking scary, guys. Like, I'm pretty scared of him. Terry's like, I should probably go, right? Yeah, for sure. You got, I mean, because you need the sun. Yes. Yeah, there might be stuff for me. I don't know. Wait, actually...

Terry, can I talk to you like, you know, stepfather or stepson? Yeah. What's up? Well, like without all the rest of the guys. Sure, sure, for sure, for sure, for sure. I got a new will. You guys want to like notarize it with me? You guys want to be my witnesses? We can just do that for a while. That's going to take like 90 minutes. We can do that for a while while Ron talks. You want me to witness? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you go.

off and do that and i will do the manliest thing that one man can do which is give advice to my stepson all right what's up what's the hit me with the advice terry you don't have to do this

You can, you don't have to go with us. You can stay here. I mean, you're like, I don't like want to go, but I feel like I should, or I had like, cause you don't want to go either. No, but you, you're not even, you're not even related to him. I mean, you're not even, he, he, everything about him is nothing about you. And you've had, or I should have written out these note cards. Like I did last time. I mean, if,

So Terry, as you're stuttering, just kind of takes you in both of his hands and just puts your head on his shoulder and just like taps you like you're the child. He's like, it's okay, man. It's okay. It's okay. I know. It's scary. He's scary as hell. I didn't like being around him either. I mean, if you don't want me to go, I won't go. I was just saying maybe I should in case there's some magical... I don't know how this daddy magic stuff works. I don't really know how it works either. But I mean, yeah. If it's more comfortable for you for me to not go so I don't see you and him interacting, I can...

Stay, if that's what you want. I guess I just want you to know that you don't have to be this strong all the time. I think you keep having bad things happen. And somehow, I know it's not really with my help. You just kind of keep going in a way that I wish that I couldn't. And Terry, I guess...

Even though you're not a businessman, you're more than a man than I'm ever going to be. And, um, you're so fucking, you're mean to yourself, Jesus. I don't, but I don't think you have to be a man to be strong. So I think I'm just going to try to be strong. Uh, uh, yeah, yeah, no, you, yeah, no, you can, you're man. I wish mom were here. Yeah. I miss, I miss her too. But, um,

Ron stands straight up. Okay, good talk, son. Yeah, yeah. Are you guys done? We've got about two more hours to go over here with the Wills. Yeah, no, yeah, okay. You're all talking into a leaf, and it's just Aaron on the other side being like, guys, I don't know what to tell you. It's not going to actually hold up in a court. The courts here are very bad. Okay. All right, well, just between you guys and me, if I die...

I mean, my stuff's going to go to my sons and my wife, but, you know, feel free to help out with my family. Oh, yeah, of course. Because that's, you know, I'm there for you guys, whatever you want. Glenn, if you want me to feed your rat when you're dead, like, I can take care of Nick. No, it's okay. I'll never die. All right. Well...

Yeah, okay. Seems like we're all ready to go. So do you want Terry Jr. to come with? We want any of the kids. I was going to say like... I think, yeah. So what do we want to do with all the other... I mean, the group talk, all the kids should have a say too. Also, Peyton. Real quick, bud. Yeah, what do you want to do about Willie? First of all, kill him, obviously. Right across the crowd. I really don't know how to talk to you, Peyton, anymore. Like, I'm like... What do you mean? You look like a kid. You're a kid.

You have always known and not known how to talk to me. I feel like I feel like a relationship has been rock solid. I've been your rock and you have been around a rock. But no, like I said, when we were at the ball, I would prefer not to go. OK, well, yeah. But if you see him, obviously kill him.

but yeah, no, I feel like that's my boy right there. And he says he high fives Glenn or tries to, I think, you know, with, with Walter being a little bit less mobile, it's not the worst thing in the world for me to be here helping him, you know, deal with my, uh, John Deere tractor. I could, I could teach him how to, how to use that sweet baby and get around on that and, uh, keep the kids safe. You know, I'm the dad now. So Aaron, have you hung up? I know I'm here. I'm still here. Can we like leave them all with you? Uh,

Look at Walter. We could pay you. We got a lot of money from a mall. Yeah, we got a lot of money. How much money do you have? We have 300 gold. Just trust us, sweetheart. It's enough. So do a deception roll. I'm not lying. We do have 300 gold. Come on. No, fuck off. Don't give me that. Matt, use the coin. Use the coin. No, we haven't long rested. Go to sleep. We sleep here for eight hours. I got a seven. Okay, so with a seven, she goes, look, we got a lot of money.

a lot of money, Aaron. You know we got a lot of money. I know you guys this well and you're still trying to fucking lie to me. 300 is so much. I literally died for you. 500. 500 gold. Your kids, from what I can tell, are rowdy. They punch trees. You know how much I like trees. Well, Aaron, it's okay. You can take a discount because there's one of them that's not with us anymore. Ah, shit. Yeah, Glenn lost his kid. Don't you feel bad? Kind of, yeah. He's got a rat now instead.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yeah. Let's call it 450 and call it even. 450? That's what Nick meant to you? I think that we should go lower. Are you talking to us or? Everybody. I think that it should be less money. All right. Somebody roll persuasion to see if you can get her to roll. I will roll persuasion. Let's see what happens when Glenn rolls the persuasion. Oh, no. 17 plus 14, 31. Okay.

So she gives us a thousand dollars. Yeah. In fact, Glenn goes like, in fact, maybe you should pay us the honor. So Aaron sees what she believes to be genuine sadness in Glenn's eye about the loss of his son. Right now is like a kid who is really sick, but knows still how to like make himself seem more sick. So his mom like rents him a Nintendo game or something like that. That's the energy right now. So she's like,

All right, the 300. I'll take it for 300. They can come by. I could just have some trees just sort of take them to my commune, I guess. Well, not commune, but like, yeah, our little compound. There's no creepy way to sound it. My town. We're making a cool town, a cool forest town with forest people. So yes, I will protect them. Okay, great. I put my hands on Payton's shoulders and I go, Payton. Yeah. Do not.

tell her what that lawnmower does. That, my friend, is a very, very good piece of advice. As you say that, the trees around you, you see begin to and slowly uproot themselves and they amble over to the kids and lower their branches. I'd like to say goodbye to my boys before. Yeah. Okay, so I take the Larkin Sparrow site and I say,

Boys, I wish we had more time to talk, but I got to go help Ron get his anchor so we can all go home, okay? Sparrow says, of course, of course. Mark just stares at you. So you're going to go be with Erin? You know, I want you to listen to everything she says, but I also wanted you both to know that I'm very, very proud of you for standing up for Walter. And before I left...

I said that if you were good while I was gone, that I would give these back to you. And so I take out the gauntlets of ogre power and I say, you're just trying to make your kid like you again. We could use those. No, no, no, no. Bribe him. Bribe him. It's a good idea. It's not. I want to clarify that this is not a bribe. This is because I said beforehand when I took them away that if you were good to Walter, that I would give them back. That's something I said. And that's why I'm doing this.

I also do hope that you like me, but I can't, you know, I'm not, this isn't what this is about. Father, I happily accept this bribe. And Sparrow takes one. All right, Sparrow, I kind of don't want to give it to you if you're going to say it's a bribe. Well, you can't take, no takesies-backsies. That's the first rule of bribing. All right, but just so you know, this is not a bribe. And this is just because you were good and people should honor their word. So I'm honoring my word. And one for each of you. Use them as you will and protect Sparrow.

Your friends, be good boys. I love you. And everything's going to be OAK. And I give them each a glove. Mark takes the glove, puts it on, flexes his fingers. You hear like almost a crunching as he flexes his fingers like super hard. And he's like, I am inevitable. And he just, he nods and he starts walking toward the tree. And Sparrow's like, oh, wait for me, brother. Wait for me. And follows after him. Glenn, do you want to say bye to your rat before I talk to my kid? The rat crosses its arms and...

And looks at Daryl with a cocktail. And also, Glenn is the same pose. It's the same pose. Both of us have our arms crossed and we just... Ron's like, my name's Ron, Daryl. I give Peyton a fist bound. I go, yeah, dad, son, like, stay cool. No problem, dad, son. Son, dad, sorry. Son, dad. So I have the bowl or whatever that, if it's broken. The supper bowl, yeah. Yeah, so I say bye, Peyton, and then I take Grant aside. I say, hey, buddy, um...

So I don't know. Like, Willie's the big one. Willie's bad news. I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know what's going to happen. So look, man, you're strong. But if things happen, like, I don't want to, like, there's a chance that maybe I don't come back. Oh, Jesus. He grabs his head. I know. I'm going to do everything I can to come back to you. I'm going to do everything I can because I want to bring us home and I want to save mom and I want to get us out of here. But if I can't, you need to break this and you'll have...

Maybe the best dad you could ever have. At least. Fucking what? What are you talking about? I'm going to break this bowl and I'm going to get a good dad? What are you talking about? Hayden. This is too much. I'm 12! I know, son. There's a lot going on.

There's a lot going on, but there's a lot going on. But if this breaks, Peyton, I mean, that's that's my dad there and he'll get his memories back. And I don't know how to deal with that right now. But I'm just saying if the worst comes to worse, you know, something's going to have to happen. I think I'm leaving this responsibility with you because it's it's the only you're the only person I can depend on right now because we're here. OK, OK. Yeah, no, I can. Yeah, I can. Uh huh. Yeah. So he takes the supper bowl from you.

And, okay, I rolled a d20. He got a 19. So he takes it. He takes it. Holy shit. Very gingerly. Holy shit. Does not bobble it at all. Deep breath out. Deep breath in. Is there anything you want to talk to me about or say before? There was a lot going on. I hate... Obviously, if we weren't here, I wouldn't be throwing this all at you because there wouldn't be this to throw at you anyways. I know. Oh, boy. It's just a lot. I'm just psyched for this all to be over. Just...

Yeah, just keep going. You know what? I actually kind of get the let's talk about this later thing. I'm not pushing. I get it. There's a lot, and you should...

And he tries to hug you with one arm. Let's do a little hug. He holds the supper bowl with one hand and hugs you with the other one. He's like, you're going to be... You should be fine, right? Just run. If some bad stuff happens, just run. It's cool. I love you, Grant. You're the best son I could have ever asked for. I love you, Dad. Yes. Thank you. And Glenn kind of struts up in front of the group. He's like, now, folks, I know everyone's a little bit anxious and nervous right now, but...

As the deadliest dude in the game, and I whip out my Peyton Chucks, and I do a flourish with them. Don't worry. Nothing bad will ever happen. And we'll just do a flourish here.

13. Yeah. Okay, so you don't nut yourself for, I think, maybe the first time you've ever wielded these. What do you do? It's like inspiration to everybody, you know? Hell yeah, Glenn. You can see all the shoulders of the kids tighten as they wait for you to just hit yourself directly in the nuts, and you don't, and actually do a cool flourish, and they go, oh, okay, and they relax their shoulders a little bit, and they step onto the welcoming branches of

the trees that then sort of all bow to you simultaneously and then start their slow trek back as Walter follows them. Run, Forrest, run. Oh my God. That was pretty good. All right. You got me, Daryl. That's good. If we get through this, Forrest Gump, everybody. All right. That's a good one, right? You get inspiration, Daryl. I kind of don't like that the message of that movie is conformity, you know, but sure. Yeah. Wait, what is? The

The force begins to walk away and you can see Walter in the wheelchair, sort of jury rigged onto the John Deere mower following them in close proximity. I want to give Walter a quick hug. Thanks. Love you. I love you. Thank you for saving our sons. You're the best. Well, I guess you're you're just the best. Oh, oh, gosh. Thank you. Thanks. That's very sweet. Thank you. He blushes in frog.

Can we do a doodlers all in real quick? Yeah, Ron. Everyone's already like half a mile away. No, they're gone. Just the fight. No, no, just us. Just the dad. Do the creaking of what is the trees turn back around? You guys are good. And they like slowly point at you and then back at them. And then like, do we? No, no, you guys are good. Okay. Turn around and keep going. Yeah, this is for those that are playing this game right now. All right, Ron, we're here for you. We're going to do this no matter what, whatever you need from us. All right. Okay. Doodlers on three. One, two, three, two.

Doodlers. After five seconds of walking, Daryl's already swimming. He's like, God, I wish we had the John Deere. Fuck.

And they were being carried by the trees, too. They didn't even need it at this point. As you walk towards Swankery Hill. Walking up towards Swankery Hill. If we end the episode now, nothing bad will happen. Ron, I almost said fingers, but Ron with his fingers looks... You know what? No, he does. In his pocket, in his tube sock cargo pocket, he fingers the lure that he tried so desperately to get out of the...

What was it? A lake? It was a long time ago. I'm assuming the Lord does not still have the hook in it, right? No, I don't think so. Okay. Ron has hella tetanus right now. I was going to say, yeah, buried in his fingers. Touching the sharp end. I was just going to make you roll a D20 and see if you cut yourself on accident. Oh my gosh. Anchors. What? That's a fishing thing. Yeah. What if it's an anchor?

That's my bet. We figured it out, Anthony. Break the lure. We win. You can feel the pull of your anchor and it's pulling you towards Swankery Hill to the east. Swanker. Damn. E-Hill. Okay. All right. No one's putting this off. No one's putting this off. All right. Real quick, we get long rest in real quick. Oh.

Sure, yeah. On the trail, it's a day's walk, so you can take a nice hour nap, and let's go ahead and roll for wolves. Finally, finally, that hard-hitting D&D action. I got a four, three wolves appear. Not the time, wolves. Whoa! The wolves put their front two paws up like, okay, and they just keep going. You're all healed up, you get all your spell slots back, all that shit. Those wolves had to roll to run into us.

So, yes, you walk through an idyllic forest. You hear the pitter-patter of wolves running away from you, the chirp of birds, the flap of butterfly wings, and you come across a clearing surrounded by trees, and this clearing is a nice hill. It looks like the kind of idyllic one you would put on the cover of a children's book to run up and then fetch a pail of water. At the top of this hill... Uh-oh, I know what happens. It's like the Windows 98 desktop. Yes, it's the Windows desktop. And the top of this hill is a quaint log cabin.

And you can see smoke coming from the chimney of this log cabin. And you can feel, Ron, that your anchor is likely somewhere inside. Ron, what do you think, man? Well...

Yeah, I mean, let's go into the cabin. Wait, wait, wait, Ron, you sure you don't want to like do a stakeout right now and just kind of like survey the scene here before we all go rushing in that hill? I mean, it's just in the middle of everything. It feels like it's very exposed. We should do the Patriot. You saw that movie, The Patriot? Is that the one where we stand and say the pledge? No, no, no. I like doing that too. But no, no, that's the...

I feel like Daryl has definitely done that before a date to hype himself up. Oh, man. He likes to do the pledge. Yeah, before prom. Sorry, honey, I'm going to need a minute. Do the Republic for which it stands. One nation under God. Looking around, bed-eyeing everybody.

I meant, like, if there's bad people in there, maybe we just... This is going to be evil, but, like, you just lock it and you burn them. You burn them all. So you're saying we just light it on fire. Yeah, but you lock the door first. You'll shoot first and ask questions later. No, I mean, the point is we stake out and then we see if they're bad in there. Okay, guys.

Okay, what's up, Ron? Listen, I'm going to go into the cabin. Oh, okay. You don't even need to come in. And then if anything bad happens, I'll yell, oh, no, something bad is happening. And then you guys can burn it or something. Well, we're not going to burn it with you in there. Terry's like, yeah, you would die. I got an idea. Henry, you can talk to animals, right? Yeah, that's true. Well, my boy Nick Jr. here could be a little recon scout. Squeakity squeak.

Oh, and I've got two other rats in here, too. And I had a vermin. Actually, I think I get three. Let's send some rats in. Let's do a little rat scouting. I don't want to step on your idea, just to clarify. But like, I'm concerned about you. So we could at least it would make me feel good if we could just check what's in there before you walked in. Is that cool? Yeah, let's check what's in there. And let's check what's in there. You know, you said you want to be so serious. Will pointing to just me.

Will Campos pointed to Beth May. What's in there? To Ron! What's in Ron? Just verbalize it! Well, let's check what's inside here, Ron, because you said you want to be so serious, so my question is, why so serious? God, fuck me. God damn it. But we can do that

disadvantage on your next role and then talking to women forever. Let's do these rats. I mean, let's not do had a vermin had a vermin. I would like three rats, please.

Three rats pop out. All right. I cast speak with animals and I talked to all three rats at Nick. All right. So Nick Jr. immediately scampers down Glenn's body and stands in front of the rats. And you can hear him in his rat voice saying like, all right, guys, first thing you need to know is I'm in charge. Keep your eyes on me. Do what I do. But this hand signal means go left. This hand signal means stop.

Wait, are the rest of the rats like, this is stupid? Yeah, they're like, oh. Squeak, squeak. What? Hey, rats. Yeah? So for one, it seems like you got a great leader here. Nick Jr., I did want, are you like maybe really secretly the soul of Glenn's son, but in rat body form? Because I was hoping maybe that was something that would be happening. Nah, nah.

too bad. Not just me. I wish, I wish that kid sounds great. Yeah, he was. Yeah, he was. He is. I don't know what you're talking about, Henry, but whoever you're talking about was probably cool. Well, it's like standing off the side, just like kind of staring off into the forest. Just

quietly end of anime credit sequence. A full on end of credit sequence of an anime is happening. It's like the wind is being swept. He's wearing, like he has a parasol for some reason. It's getting blown in. It's cherry blossoms. He feels something behind him. For a second, he thinks it's Nick, but it was just a flower fluttering through the air. In the background, Ron is writing down something on a piece of paper and it's like chill beats to study real life. Laughter

If you listen really hard, you can hear a Japanese anime theme song like playing. He really is writing something down though. I believe it. Okay, so gentle rats. There's maybe a really, really, really bad dude in there. So just be on your guard. He's very powerful. He's very dangerous. So don't be a hero rat. Just go in, scout out the sitch,

and come back with a mission report. We're all rooting for you. We're all cheering you on. Hey, Daryl, is there like a Vince Lombardi quote that I could give to these rats? Yeah. I feel like the stuff I would say wouldn't get them pumped up just so much as tranquil. Do you have a fun football thing I could say to them? It's the fourth, and there's one yard.

You rats can do it. It's the fourth. There's one yard. Yeah. You rats can do the yard. Nick Jr. just slowly turns and looks at Daryl and it's like...

fuck is this guy's whole fucking thing? Every word out of this guy, I swear to God. What's he saying? Hey, I mean, I know he can be a lot sometime. What's wrong with him? He was just being weird earlier. Remember when we both crossed our arms and looked at him? Oh, that's right. Yeah, you know, well, he means well. But I support you guys, so... You mean the back of my hand. Yeah, all right, I'm taking him in. We'll go in. All right. Mission start.

dink, dink, dink, dink. And you see and hear the rat humming the Mission Impossible theme song to himself as he leads the other three rats toward the cabin. And you can hear him like continue to hum it as he gets further and further away. It gets quieter and quieter. I see my head like a hawk comes. It's just like, oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, a hawk comes and grabs one of them and it's like, oh no. But then it takes them home to the Shire. Why weren't the hawks there the entire adventure? Why didn't they just pick up the rats to eat them? The rats go in. There's a pregnant pause as you wait for any reaction at all.

And then you can see the ruffling of grass in a trail heading towards you. And then the two rats, not the one that got picked up by the hawk and Nick Jr. Come back. And he goes, all right, here's what I saw. Pretty normal. A sort of log cabin interior. There was a stove with some fish frying on it. That's where the smoke in the chimney, et cetera. What sort of fish? I don't know for fish. I'm a rat. What the fuck is this guy? What the fuck is this fucking guy?

I'm hungry. Daryl, you got a weird vibe with this rap. So I just need you to tell. I appreciate it. I'm fucking watching you. I asked the fish.

fish. We can, let's just take it down a notch and let's just, Daryl, why don't you, you know, go join Glenn over there in the anime ending. Check out what's going on with Glenn. All right. So what's going on with this fish? What's the deal? I mean, it's cooking. It's just a fish. Okay. It's the inside. There was like a dinner table and some chairs. And then there was a little desk on the side on, on the desk was a, it looked like a little, like a lock box.

Was there anyone in the cabin? No, nobody in the cabin. Empty. Interesting. But the fish was frying. It was. Okay. Like maybe they did it and then they're going to come back or something. I'm raising my hand. I believe Daryl has a question for you, Nick. Yes. What is your real name? I mean, you don't usually get too many names as a rat. So I took the first one I got. Nick Jr. is as good as any. So why not? Nick Jr. Sure. That seems healthy. Let's go with that.

Can you ask the rat? Yes. How many people do you think could eat the fish that was cooking? Like, how much are we talking? Daryl wants to know how much fish we're talking about, Mr. Rat. There were two full fishes. I'm not a... I don't eat fish. That's... Okay, that's enough. So I don't know. It's spotty whether or not I would even know what a fish is. Yeah, I probably haven't seen a lot of them. I spent most of my life in a dungeon. Well, that's great. Anyway, yes, no. There's just nobody in there. Lockbox, fish, dinner table, chairs. Can you ask if he knows how to open up a lockbox? Or drag a fish over here? Ha ha!

Now you're talking, Glenn. Do you guys think you could drag that stuff out of here? I mean, we'd have to open the door, and I can't reach up to the door and twist it open. I think we've got to go in ourselves, guys. I feel like we can be real. It doesn't seem like he's home right now, though, so maybe we can just get in and out real quick. Do you know what I mean? I'm going to stay out, and we should keep watch. Yeah, that's actually a good idea. Here's what I'll do. I hand Daryl my human gun.

And I'm like, if something goes... Daryl instantly checks it, just knows how to use a gun. I see you two have watched action movies and played video games. Daryl does the disarm thing, but then he can't put it back together. He's safety conscious. No, Daryl is a responsible... He's not a gun owner, but... I love Matt saying, yeah, Daryl does the... He checks the... He knows how the gun works. I don't know how guns work. I don't know who Vince Lombardi is, okay? But Daryl does...

Perfect. And I say, listen, Daryl, if someone's coming back or if you need to signal us, fire this into the air or even at them. I mean, do whatever you want with it, but that'll let us know. As I check the gun as a responsible gun owner and gun expert would, I say, of course, Glenn, just like Vince Lombardi says, it's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up. And then I cock the gun. Seems like an irrelevant quote, but OK. Glenn, you know what? Confidence is contagious, but so is lack of confidence.

Vince Lombardi said that, and right now you're showing a lack of confidence. You're right. You're right. You're right, dude. All right, boys. Let's go. Let's strike while they... Ron, are you ready? Let's just do it. Let's go. Let's go in. Yeah. Okay, so everybody or just you, Ron? Because you were saying just you before. Will somebody come with me? I was going to say Daryl can keep a lookout with the gun. I can fly overhead in Hawk Force.

Ooh, love that. To keep an eye on the distance. Maybe we should give you the gun as the hawk. You know what I mean? Have you ever used a gun? Gosh, no, absolutely not. Absolutely, sorry, Glenn, absolutely not. Not if he's not a... I've put daisies in a couple of guns before. Okay, okay. Just practice, not at a protest, but just so I would know how to do it in the moment if it ever came up. Ha ha ha ha!

Henry will call out where the bad guys are coming if I gotta I mean honestly I'm not gonna want to shoot this thing but like you know anyways hey Daryl will you watch Terry yeah of course if you don't want him to come in yeah I'll keep watching so it's just gonna be me

And Ron. The two most emotionally stable. We haven't seen a Glenn Ron in a while. We haven't seen him. I've been waiting for him. Why not? All right, Ron, you ready for this? I'm ready. All right. And then Glenn starts crawling like Commando crawling through the tall grass towards this cabin. Nick Jr.'s like, that's my dad. That's my dad.

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamit Mobile for details. Okay, so you're just going to open the door and go in? Sure. Glenn has crawled this entire way. Great. While Rhonda's walking, I assume. Yeah. All right, so yeah, you open the door. The smell of rare, not quite done fish hits your nostrils.

The room is empty. And just like Nick Jr. said, there's a desk in the corner of the room and on the desk is a small wooden treasure chest kind of thing, but like at the size of a human lockbox, of an earth lockbox. Like a tackle box. Wait, Ron, Ron, throw like a rock or something in here just in case there's some kind of trickery afoot. Okay, do you have a rock? Yeah, here. Yeah, I hand Ron a rock from the ground. Where do you get your improbability? Ha ha ha ha!

Some people, they study at the Groundlings. Some people, UCB. For Fred, I learned from the best. I was born with it, baby. Do you have any other rocks?

I like this one fine, but I almost don't want to waste it. You're right. You're right. Let me ask the rock expert. I got a signal for Henry to come down. I swoop down and go, caw, caw. I go, hey, hey, Ron needs like a rock. Caw, caw. And then Henry just fucking swoops off and within like two seconds comes back with a beautiful quartz crystal. Nice. What's going on over there? Am I cocking a gun? Am I right, fellas? Henry, what's going on?

Why are you going down there? Should I come up there? Okay. I throw a rock. You throw the rock like underhand, just like lobbing it in there kind of thing? Yeah. Yeah. It rattles onto the ground. Nothing happens. Seems safe.

Can we examine the door maybe? Yes, why don't you roll some arcana for me? Okay. What can we roll? Some arcana, some perception. Oh, natural 20. 20 plus three. All right. I got a three. Things are looking good for me. Yeah, as far as you can tell, everything's great. Glenn, you can tell that this entire cabin does not seem to be magically...

trapped in any way. With your 20, you can feel some energy coming from that lockbox. Hey, Ron, I'm getting some vibes off of that lockbox. Can I tell where my anchor feels like it might be? Once Glenn points out, hey, that lockbox, there's vibes coming from that, you can feel yourself being pulled toward that box. Yeah. I also have vibes for it.

Are there any, like, oven mitts by the fish that I can use to, like, kind of lift up the book? Because what if it stings me? No, no oven mitts. Probably flip it, though. There's a frying pan and a spoon, but yeah. Use your shirt. I'm not going to use my shirt. My shirt's nice. Oh, Daryl here is like, aw. Okay, I'm going to try to lift open the box. Okay, so the box is locked.

It's pretty like the second you touch it, you feel like, oh, my gosh, your anchor is inside this box. So you can't see a lock on the box itself. But when you try to open it, it just won't move. And you can see on the lid etched into this lid are the letters P W and then a colon and then the letters I L U. So I'm just going to write that out on my palm here.

You're right. I was right in front of you. W. P.W. comma what? I.L.U. I love you. So you feel the box vibrate in your hand, but it doesn't click open. So give me an arcana roll, you and or Glenn. I'm fucking so nervous right now.

Four plus three, seven. You have no idea. I got a 15. Ineligible llama uprising. Moved right past what you just said. With the 15, you can tell that the password was probably correct, which is why the box vibrated. But the password has to be spoken by the person who closed the box in the first place. And that is not you. Stop.

I wonder who it is and I don't think it's going to happen. So Daryl, outside you hear footsteps coming from the forest.

what are you going to do before they get to you? I have proper trigger finger. Freddie, how would you say that? You have it right. You have it right. He has proper trigger finger. Keep talking about it. He's fingering just right. I'm showing Tara like, so this is the proper trigger finger. When you hold a firearm. I don't think it's called that. You got to go to physical therapy for trigger finger.

And I say, hey, who's there? Oh, OK. OK. So you hear the footsteps stop and then you hear them resume again. And he goes, oh, hey, how you doing? And you hear the voice of Willie Stampler as he emerges from the trees behind you. And you see that he's holding a hook with a couple of fish on it over his shoulder. What kind of fish? Fantasy fish you've never seen before. They look like trout. And he's got a fishing rod in his other hand.

He keeps walking towards you and he goes, Ron inside? Yeah. Good. And he keeps walking past you. Hey, everybody. Willie's here. And Willie, I got a gun. Uh-huh. Good for you. I would. Can you stop for a sec? Nope. He keeps walking toward the cat. I start following. We're going to fucking fire your gun. The whole point was that you were going to shoot the gun in the air. And I gave you the fucking gun. But I screamed.

I screamed, Willie's here. You can hear me. I was literally talking about the password. Why would I? Wait, wait, wait. I love this guy fucking frazzled you so bad. I want blood. He did literally nothing and immediately the plan fell apart. Ron inside the cabin is like, wow, everything seems fine. I want to be clear. I don't want that to pick on you making fun of me, but for one second, I just want to make sure that I understand. You think it'd be better for me to waste a fucking magical bullet

Then just scream out loud that Willy's here? Yeah, you wanna know why? Why? Because that magical bullet, like you just said, is a magical bullet. So when you fired it in the air, it would have given you a hint about what the fuck to do. You totally weren't until I brought it up. No, no, you can use... Anyways, obviously, I'm not gonna waste a bullet on warning you all. Henry swoops down to the window and flaps...

I mean, they've heard that. They heard Willie's coming the moment I saw Willie. So Terry is running up behind you. And so Willie opens the door and yeah, you see your dad for the first time in a long time. And he goes, yeah, everybody can come in. It's all good. The chairs for everybody. And you can see now that there are chairs for all of you.

and he walks past you ron without looking at you and flips the two fish and then puts the fish up against the wall yeah i don't know if you all heard but willie's here he looks at the fish he goes like these are good enough and he takes out two plates and he puts both of the fish on one and then puts the second plate under the first plate and then puts it down on the table takes a fork out of his cloak and then just starts eating he's eating he's not looking at any of you he's looking down

And he points his fork at the box. He goes, yeah, your anchor's right there. Go ahead. Oh, you saw it. You know that you can't open it unless I say something, I assume. You found that out? Sorry, I don't want to spoil it for you, but yeah, yeah. You need my password, right? Yeah. I mean, it would be great, yeah, if you just want to...

So yeah, here's what we're going to do. Sit down, sit down. We're going to talk for a while. We're just gonna have a nice conversation. And then at the end of it, I'll, I'll open it up. Yeah. Okay. Right. So dad, what do you, what do you want to talk about? I mean, what do you want to talk about? Yeah, no, yeah. Yeah. Based on your voice, based on your voice, boy, he slaps his chest and he says, so obviously you're all going to die. I've

I've got some wizards and some warlocks that are actually working on closing the portal back to your, our, eh, your world as we speak. So sort of a last chance kind of situation for you. I know you got the other three anchors. Good for you. Hey, I'm proud of you. You are? No, it was a fucking saying. Calm down, Jesus.

But yeah, you can give me the kids. You can die. Terry, you still count. I mean, you're not his, you know, whatever. So what do you want to talk about? Are you going to give up? Were you going to give the kids up? By all means, feel free to try to kill me because I not to brag, I am way, way more powerful than you. I will completely fuck you up. We don't need to fucking lay a finger on you, loser. We got a goblin army on the way already. I'm bluffing a little bit. OK, what is it? Deception? Yeah, it would be deception.

3 plus 14, 17? 17's not going to work against him. He goes, hey, you. Did he say goblin? I meant... Shut the fuck up. I'm talking to him. Okay.

Don't ever do that to me again. Don't ever try that. It's disrespectful. I'm not a fucking idiot. I know. I know. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Glenn. Glenn, don't ever do that again. Do what? Try to lie to me. I'm not. About what? Here's the thing. About what? Lie about what? You guys just got here. I've been here for so fucking long. If you were going to actually lie, you should have lied about something impressive. Goblins? I fucking eat goblins for breakfast. It doesn't matter. And then I turn to the dads with a big old smile on my face and I go...

You mean Goblin on Dee's nuts? Oh my god! Oh my god! Goblin on Dee's nuts! Oh my god, what did you do? You're gonna kill us! On Dee's nuts! The fucking...

The fucking 2,000 IQ play, ladies and gentlemen. Literally on my notepad, I have sugma. Like, I'm like, how am I going to get him to say sugma? Daryl is laughing so hard and just like pointing at- I'm fucking high-fiving everyone. Everyone is giving me dabs. Henry D. Birds to fucking high-five Glenn. Glenn, how much HP do you have? 93.

Oh, my God. That's not a question. I die happy, baby. I'll see my son in hell, bitch. First of all, that's inspiration, right? Oh, for sure. The entire party gets inspiration for that. Hell yeah. Freddie, I'm going to send you a link in Discord. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Why don't you go ahead and read?

Everything that's on that page in that box. Oh my God. I'm going to puke. Power word kill. You utter a word of power that can compel one creature you can see within range to die instantly. If the creature you choose has 100 hit points or fewer, it dies. Otherwise, the spell has no effect. So, Willy, as you're cackling over Goblin these nuts. Wait, Dad. He points and he's about to say die. What are you going to do?

Why don't you roll for Ligma?

Roll dexterity to see if you can stop him from doing this, from like interrupting him verbally. All right. Just want to be real clear, everybody, real quick. Worth it. Fucking worth it. Okay, I got a 17 plus one. What are you going to do with that? You've got basically the dexterity to like do a thing before he can finish saying die. Oh God, what am I going to do? Just to clarify, there's no like save for it? No, it's one of the most powerful spells in all of D&D because there is no save. It just happens. I'm going to steal a piece of his fish. Oh shit. Wow.

Okay, so he is about to say die to Glenn. He is about to use Power World Kill to kill Glenn. I'm like, you gonna finish that? Oh, shit. And you, would you like pull the plate away? Yeah. So he stops really quickly, just grabs your wrist and then immediately starts twisting it and you can feel the bones in your wrist beginning to strain and hurt. My God. You could also see that as you do that,

For the first time, you can see surprise and indignation in Willie's eyes. Like he's never seen you dare to do something that aggressive before. Is he drinking anything? Let's say, yeah, he took a flask out of his robe and it's balanced on the table. OK, I want to use sleight of hand while he's distracted to put his flask

in the beer koozie of truth okay go ahead and give me a sleight of hand roll oh baby i got a 16 okay so he gets a 19 of his perception and he sees you trying to put it on and he goes yeah go ahead keep it on keep it on go put it on there okay cool thanks yeah all right you know just takes a swig from it he goes all right what do you got well let me see and he looks at beer koozie he goes he's still holding on to ron's wrist it's still twisting it and he goes so three what

energy from this. Yeah, three questions you can ask me. Yeah, ask me whatever the fuck you want. I ask him, what's the password for the anchor box? He goes, oh, it's, uh,

You already know what it is. I heard you. I asked you a fucking question. What is the password? I didn't ask you, do I know what it is? I asked you, what is it? He cocks his head and goes, okay, okay. I can see why Barry tolerates you. The password is, I love you. And you can feel the box in your hands click a little bit. And before you can open it, though, he lets go of your wrist, Ron, and he slams his hand down on top of the box. He goes, now.

You can look inside this. I just want you to know the reason that it's your anchor. You all know how daddy magic works. I'm assuming you don't. We got a book on, but we didn't read it. We're here, buddy. Yeah. Like we have our kids. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you're, you're here. That's my point. You're not back home. So yeah, daddy magic, it's all based around strong emotions. And, um, I was hoping I could like lead up to this more. It's a bummer. That's fine. It's fine. Yeah. So for all of you, you know, the anchor is a symbol of the relationship that you have with your dad, whether that relationship is really strong in terms of love or

or really negative in terms of hate. And this one, he says, pointing at Ron, not looking at him. I know you've wondered a lot how I feel about you, you know, what the strength of our connection is. And the physicalization of that connection is right in here. But yeah, you got two more questions. Why rush this? I'm having fun. This is fun.

I rush this. Two more questions. Anytime you want. Two more. Two more questions. Oh, my God. You've been all this time, all this way, all these things you could ask, and you finally meet me, and this is what... Jesus Christ. I shoot the gun. I shoot the gun in the air. Straight up. What should we do? Everybody goes like, ah! It's very loud in this enclosed space. The windows blow out. Some explosion. And in the smoke of the gun, you can see the...

the head of Ron Stampler. And then the smoke, almost as if it was a camera, you can see Ron's head get bigger and bigger like the camera's zooming in. And it goes inside his ear and travels along some pathways. Like Fast and the Furious. Yeah. And then you see a brain. Willie goes, fuck, spoilers! And starts waving his hand in the air trying to dissipate the smoke. And he goes, God, I had a whole fucking thing. I shoot a gun again and go, what did that mean? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

So the smoke this time takes the form of letters and they spill out the words, you'll have to go inside Ron's brain. And Willie's just like, for fuck's sake! Oh!

How are you this fucking dumb? How have you all survived this long? I never thought a group of these fucking assholes, my son, son, would be the smartest one here. That's fucking embarrassing for me more than anybody. You think I'm smart? Fuck, that's one of the questions.

No, Ron, I do not think you're smart. I could have fucking told you that one without this koozie. You got one more. What's in the box? Like a little portal and we go into his brain so that we can fucking convince him that you're a- Forget you saw the fucking portal. I was too late. No, we saw it. So we ruined your stupid plan, mister. Yeah, you really did. No, you really, really did.

All right. You want to see what's on the fucking box? Ron, are you ready to see what's in the box, man? Yeah, because then I don't have to ask my last question. I can just sort of think about it for a while. I try to get like Ron's eye. I'm like trying to be like, do you want to get I can walk out with Terry right now. I don't know. Do you want to? I just want to see what's in the box. What's in the box? What's in the fucking box?

So Willie turns to you and smiles a horrible shit eating smile. Unfortunately, Willie is very handsome. His smile is very handsome, too. You hate that he's hot. It's infuriating. Daryl doesn't think so. Even Daryl only sees interview, but I'm different before he even says it. You get this feeling in your gut.

You've wondered, presumably, for a fair amount of time, how this man thinks of you. You asked him if he loved you. He hung up before he could tell you. I assume that you've probably spent a fair amount of your life wondering if he hated you, because it would at least in some way explain the way that he treats you. I've just been wondering what I did, what it was that I wasn't enough for him to understand.

I wonder what it is about me that it wasn't. I couldn't get him to love me. As you say that, Willie smiles and he goes, you know what? I'll give you that answer for free. And he opens the box that was supposed to contain an item that symbolized his love of you, his hate of you, whatever strong emotion binds the two of you together, whatever that strong tether is between the two of you that anchors you down in this world and anchors him in your life. And I am so sorry that

But the box is empty. Oh, shit. And Willie just says, I just don't give a shit about you. You were a mistake. You were an accident. Raw dogs. Your mom.

And you happened and you just keep happening. Yeah, I do. I'm my own person, Dad. I'm a businessman and I have a stepson that I love. And I'm my own person and I don't need you to love me. I can do this all by myself. Willie scrunches up his nose and cocks his head and goes...

Oh, kiddo, it's not that simple. And you feel the cloaking spell that was on this box break. And you can feel that the anchor isn't inside the box. You feel a warm feeling in your head.

And you can feel that the anchor isn't a it's not a physical thing that you could go quest. It was something you've been carrying with you all along. And it's in your mind, whatever this anchor is, it's in you. It's in your mind. It's been with you for as long as far back as you can remember. It's a part of you. Ron thinks about it. And then he says, I guess this means that I don't need you anymore. Willie goes, Ronald, Ronald, Ronald. It's not about whether you need me.

It's about whether you can get away from me. And hey, buddy. And he pokes you in the forehead and he goes, you can't. There's no way for you to get out of here. There's no way for you to get your ugly stepchild out of here. This is just what it is. And I want to thank you because this is exactly what I wanted to get out of this conversation. I'll give you a fifth one for free. I was running out of daddy magic. My tank was getting a little bit low.

but that this look on your face, that denial, that sadness, that fucking dumb face that you have on all the goddamn time. That's what strengthens me. That's where I get my daddy magic from. So, Hey, thanks for the top up. And, uh, obviously I'm not, I'm not really here. And he pulls down one of his eyelids and you can see there's a dot underneath and he goes, this is one of Barry's, uh, Barry's bodies. But, uh, you're so full of shit, buddy. I,

I just got like, you're full of shit for somebody that doesn't care about their son or think nothing of it. I can't, I don't know anybody more obsessed with Ron. Are you kidding me? And first of all, shut up for a second, Willie, Ron, whatever he says, there's nothing I can say. That's going to fix this or you, but we love you. I love you. Henry loves you. We all love you. And Terry loves you. And,

And whatever this fucking asshole says, we're going to get through this. And whatever happens, we fucking love you. And Ron, he's the fucking dirt that you grew out of. And hey, buddy, goddamn flower, man. Oh, God. And he's the fucking soil that blossomed you. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm fucking glad he exists because you exist. And I fucking love you, man. And I don't give a shit what he says. You are beautiful. He is a fucking coward. He can't even face you. Think you're scared of him?

He is terrified of you, man. He can't even fucking be here himself to look you in the eye. Hey, so Willie, if you need us to help you work out your shit...

We're more than happy to do it for you. We'll be here for you. We'll fucking figure this out. Her name is Samantha. So do what you need to do because we're with Ron. So whatever you need to do, buddy, we'll figure it out for you. Fucking coward. He's just like, oh, let's go, guys. And I grab Ron. I'm like, let's get out of here. You should go. You got a whole lot of stuff to do. We're talking, Willie. You're dead in the real world. You're dead. And, you know, we're here and we could just go back.

We could just go back to the real world and then you could stay here and we would never bother you again. No, I told you. You're trying so hard.

No, I can't do that because, again, I need the constant influx of daddy magic to keep me alive. And so I'm going to get that from your kids, not from you. Don't really want to spend more time around you. So I'm actually I'm pretty much done here. Like I said, the doors are going to close pretty soon. You'll be trapped in here and then you're basically going to have no choice but to give me your kids. Don't need you so much as need just a kid I can take daddy magic from. But yeah, it's been real fun.

Your friends are adorable, whether it's the weird one with the one arm whose kid is a demon now. Great job. The one who fucking owned you. Am I right, boys? Yeah. Fuck off, man. Kids don't respect the other one. And then this one. Oh, boy. Daryl is a whole other fucking thing. That's right. I can't even think of something I mean to say. Fucking idiot. Boy, that's a shame, man. But yeah, it's been real.

uh, Seacrest out. And then he puts his, uh, his finger. I like him now. He puts his fingers to his head. He puts his fingers to his head, like a little gun and goes, and his eyes roll back into his head and the homunculus body just slumps forward dead onto the table. I thought I'd know what to say. And then I did. I, he was there and I didn't know what to say. Ron, you did great, man. You did really, really. I'm so, I'm so proud of you, man. I hug Ron. That's not something anybody should know how to respond to. That's,

That's why everything's that was awful and not true. I don't know because I'm not in my brain.

My brain probably knows what to say. Now you're making sense, Ron. You are on my wavelength, man. I've been thinking that. Do we got to go into his brain to do the anchor? Let's shoot the gun again. Daryl clearly should have had the gun from the first place because he fucking knows how to use it. Are we supposed to go in Ron's brain or something? Gun? So you shoot the gun in the air again and the smoke makes it. The image of Anthony Burch appears. Oh.

Basically. So the words, yes, comma, just call Aaron, I guess. She'll explain everything in more detail. Hey, Ron, you want to burn this cabin down? Well, I mean, some of the fucking fish and everything. Some of the desire to burn something. You know, I don't know if you guys ever get that feeling.

I'm just going to go set some stuff on fire. Well, Glenn, hold your horses for just a second, buddy. Ron, however you want to express your emotions right now, this is a safe place, and we're here for you. We'll back you up. You want to burn this place down? We'll rip to shreds. You want to let out a big cry? We're here for you, man. Um...

Let's just, um, all right. Do you want to call Aaron? Yeah, let's call Aaron. All right, man. So Henry grabs a leaf. Yeah, the leaf that she keeps with you. And I say, Aaron O'Neill, Aaron O'Neill, what secrets can you reveal? Ooh, okay. Answer the call as we ask. Let us know what is our task. Aaron picks up and she's like, you know, you don't have to rhyme.

I know, it's just kind of a thing I do. I'm a bit of a hip-hop star back home, so, you know. Nice, nice, nice. Yeah, what's up? How you doing? Oh, your kids are fine, by the way. We got them in the forest. Hey, how's Lark doing? It's not really about me right now, but how's Lark doing? He...

I mean, he's like playing around on some of the branches with Sparrow, but I had to stop him from punching the trees a few times with the big glove on. I asked him to stop and he was just like not receptive. And the other one, Sparrow kept being like, oh, he's sorry. He's going through some. So yeah. Really good Sparrow impression. I,

Like, holy shit. They call me the woman of a thousand voices. Well, if you want to guide him towards a rock, maybe he can punch a rock and, you know, that'll remind him of me and then he'll want to punch that instead. I don't know how healthy that is, but yeah, I could, I could. I'll figure it out. I'm just, you know, I know trees are your friends and all that. Yeah, no, I appreciate that. Listen, we found Ron's anchor. It was really intense over here, but it looks like it's a box and we need to go into his brain. I think the anchor is like...

In his brain. In his brain. I think it's a... Like Magic School Bus or something. I think it's like a really sad Magic School Bus episode that's a metaphor for abuse, I think is what it is. I always find most of those episodes sad. Well, actually, if my brain is super big, then it might be a big... Oh, never mind. So Aaron goes like... Ah. Terrence just pats Ron on the back. So Aaron kind of scratches her hair and goes like... Oh, okay. So it's probably like a memory thing or a personality thing or something. Yeah, in your mind mentally. Oh.

Oh, actually, you know what? This actually lines up pretty well with something that Vince and I were figuring out. Hey, Vince. Vince, come over here. And you see the two-dimensional man, like, walk over. No, he just turns. He's been there the whole time. He turns 90 degrees and you can see him. He goes, ah, Vince. Oh, God. We got to put a bell on you or something. Vince is like, hey, what's up? And he goes, what about the dimensional witch? And Vince goes, oh, yeah, I guess...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aaron and I, we found the witch who cursed me to be two-dimensional like this. But he liked it? He stayed that way, right? Well, I mean, I'm not psyched about it. Okay, sorry. We were going to murder her, but if you want to find her first, because dimensions isn't just, you know, one, two, three, four dimensions. It's also like, you know, scaling the dimensions of something. There are 404 dimensions, if I remember correctly. You're right. Oh, my God. I don't even know what to say to that. But yeah, she could maybe, like,

you know, dimension scale you and shrink you down and sort of send you into Ron if you can find her. So we're not like going into Ron's mindscape where we'd literally be like in his meat brain. Is that what you say? I think it's kind of a both thing. Oh, okay. It's kind of a magical spell thing. Hit us up. Like that seems like, could you loop us into that email? While you're doing that, I have a question for you, Aaron. Yeah. What's up? Um, would you do a lot for a thousand gold? Uh,

We kind of just got into a thousand gold. So Willie said he was like shutting down the portal. It'd be good if we had like somebody doing some research or maybe trying to stop that while we're doing this. Like, I don't know if there's like, that's a lot of gold, right? I'm saying that's a lot of gold. You're making a town. I know I'm not the business guy, but usually you don't start by giving them like a big number of money and then asking them if they would do a task. I'm treating Aaron like family. That's because that's what Aaron is to us.

Yeah, I'm just saying. I feel like this, what I'm asking for is a lot, which is like, would you go and kind of be on the lookout? Not on the lookout. I would want more than a lookout for a thousand gold. I'm just saying that Willie's trying to shut down

The dimensional portals that got us here. And we need to go inside Ron's brain to be really good if we were like splitting up those tasks and like somebody was like... Multitasking. Yeah, figuring out what's going on with Willy. It's not fair that we just call you up, by the way, and just ask you questions. Like, we should pay you for that. It's only a retainer. Yeah. Oh, yeah, retainer. Beth May knows all about retainers. I do. I used to have a retainer and then I passed it a little while ago. Yeah. So Aaron says... Yeah, for a thousand gold, I could probably...

send some trees in at night and they could be spying on him full time. I could figure out what the deal is because if he's closing the portal, that means he's probably contracting out to a bunch of warlocks and wizards and shit.

For 1,000 gold, can we get some mercenaries to hit the camp occasionally, slow them down? That's what I was going to say. I could hire some mercenaries to mess with them. What about a team of anti-wizards? What if we hire our own wizards to undo their wizard spell? Yeah, maybe we can hire some wizards to slow down their magic with our own magic. Okay, sure. Actually, just turn and find the nearest tree and give it the 1,000 gold, and I will...

Just deposit it into any, like... The nearest tree is, like, 400 yards away, and Daryl goes... And he just starts running. He runs down the hill. I'll be right back, guys. This is remarkably inconvenient. And then I walk back up the hill. So the tree...

Takes it from you. Bark of America. And like the inverse of the fucking thing from Spirited Away puts all the gold into its like mouth and then starts walking clinking with every step. Got a little strut there. In the same direction that your kids left in. So Aaron goes, yes, okay, cool. So I will hire some wizards, some mercenaries, try to fuck up their ability to do that. That'll give you more time to do whatever you need to do. Because yeah, it sounds like once you deal with-

Is it really going to give us more time or is Anthony just going to tell us it'll give us more time? No, it really will because Anthony had a plan to sort of

have a certain number of people there that you had to maybe get rid of in the final battle, and maybe there's less of those now because you spent a shit ton of money making that less of an issue. Just like real life, we can solve our problems and make life easier with money. Yes. So, yeah, that'll buy you some time. Just so you know, once you get Ron's anchor, you know, that's, I guess, then we're sort of in the endgame, I guess, in a sense. So, be careful. Hey, Aaron, I've been hoarding these mega elixirs. I have, like, 99 of them here, and I, like, I'm not gonna probably...

I'm going to probably end this whole thing with these, this entire, just like 99. Glenn, you got to hold on to those. We might need them later. You're right. You're right. We can't use any of them. The problem is Willie can do Confuse and then you just end up using those Megalixers on him and they'll turn you into a frog. They'll do the whole fucking... Anyway, I don't know. I've been dragging these along this whole time. I've just been collecting them this whole time. You shattered them all. I have 500 scrolls of fire

ball? Alright. Anyone else got one? Beth, gamer joke? We're doing them right now. I'm sorry, I'm a woman. The dimensional witch is living currently in a town called Askeem. That was sent to us by Martin Husby. Thank you, Martin. Luckily enough, it is within a day's walk to your north. It's a little run-down, kind of ramp-shackle city. Um, okay. Is that anywhere close to Sigma? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Andy, let me have this. Please. It's gonna be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. Even if you die, it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. All you do is try.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. Myself, Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Our theme song is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Special thanks this week to Martin Hughesby for submitting a location name we are using in this campaign. And also special thanks to all of our great Patreon supporters, but especially Maxfield Murphy, Brocha Good, Webby Hirsch, Kalem Russell, Lee Skellett, Amanda Pitcher, Aaron 1A, Gage Stoneman, Alec Johnson, Patron Stampler, Arian Srivastava, Mikkel, oh my goodness, Mikkel,

There's so many H's and J's in this one. Jury's still out if that one's a real one. Also, congratulations to Adam and Katrina Ranjo for getting hitched. About time.

Best of luck to you on your nuptials, I guess. By the way, it's not too late. There are still tickets available for our live show this Sunday, June 20th. That's Father's Day at 5 p.m. Pacific time. Let me just pull it up real quick. Ah, yeah, we have infinity tickets remaining because it's an online event. There's no such thing as physical needs. You can head on over to dungeonsanddaddies.com. There you will find a link to the Eventbrite

tickets are five bucks but if you're a patreon supporter you automatically get access at all levels we'll be posting a live link on the day in the patreon feed we got a really fun hybrid jenga d20 system we'll be playing with it's gonna be a lot of fun that's this sunday june 20th father's day 5 p.m pacific

tickets at dungeonsanddaddies.com. Support us on Patreon. Get access to the live show. Get access to tons of behind-the-scenes and bonus content. That's patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Twitter at dungeonsanddads. Subreddit dungeonsanddaddies. Our next episode is coming at you June 29th. We will see you then. There was a time you need between to know they never brought you down. Never brought you down.

So I got 16 plus three. Okay. So here's what happens. You can see in the leaf, Aaron and time slows down. Aaron furrows her brow and cocks her head and goes, what's up? And then as she does that, you see Peyton in the distance behind her sprinting as fast as he can. He's going.

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