Ep. 62 - Sonscreen
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This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.

So first, call your parents to say I'm sorry and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee with your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 in order. Additional terms apply. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Roll for initiative, everyone! Please let this be a funny episode. On Ron's Arc? No way! Searching for Ron's anchor, you're stressed out and feeling bad. Next thing that you know, you're seeing... A series of pretty traumatic memories involving my dad? Jumping off the high dive, making dinner on the stove. Drive on past the cardboard cowboy and say bye to your dad.

I did get my anchor, though. And Glenn taught us all to salt the pasta water. Never gonna die, but it'll live forever. Hell yeah, Peyton. Good vibes only from now on, right, Nick Jr.? Me too. We'll be right back.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world slung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the cool, chill, definitely felt like didn't need to say too much last episode dad of the group. Glenn Close, Mr. Comedy.

Mr. Comedy. You did say the thing about, hey, it's the 80s, which I think is probably one of the funniest jokes in the history of the show. That's two episodes ago. Yeah, don't worry about it, Freddie. You can rest on your laurels for the next season and a half. Freddie, you're funny. Believe in yourself, man. Oh, I fully believe in myself. That's why I think we should stop complimenting him forever. This week's Glenn fact is...

I'm quite disappointed, frankly, that there wasn't more discourse in the social media world about pasta water and salting pasta water. What discourse were you expecting? Like everyone agrees that you should salt the pasta water. There's nothing to talk about there. I don't. What? See, there you go. That's it right there. I don't salt it. You don't salt it? Okay, wow. Your pasta's not as good as it could be then. Well, I wouldn't know the difference. But you're right. You should post that on unpopular opinion Reddit. It's not an unpopular opinion. Like you just get upvoted. Hot take.

Salt pasta water. So this week's fact about Glenn. Glenn actually has no idea how to cook anything aside from like back of the box instructions, but he's watched enough YouTube in a half-baked state to kind of like fake it and sound like so he can throw things out. Like you got to make sure you salt the pasta water. He was watching those Bon Appetit videos before they got all

Before they got in trouble? Yeah. Canonically, everybody left Earth before Bon Appetit got in trouble. So that's one of the things that all of you are looking forward to getting back and just settling in with some good old VA. Cracking open some Test Kitchen videos. Hey, everybody. This is Real Life Dad, Matt Arnold, playing fictional dad, Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the Forgotten Realms. So the journey through the seven deadly sins, I thought today I would take wrath. So the maddest or the most horrible thing that's ever happened when Daryl is angry. Daryl keeps his anger pretty in check or internalized.

But since he's home a lot, the one thing that really bugs him is Carol and Grant don't necessarily respect the house very much. So it's just kind of building. There's just one day. There's just one day where there was like, it was like nobody was using the coasters. Everybody left. Grant didn't even take his lunch.

Carol didn't say goodbye. He was just already frustrated. And all he wanted to do is watch the big game at like fucking seven in the morning. Cause it's an English game and he wanted to watch it and he couldn't find the remote and he was fucking trying to find the remote. And he's always sold grand, like put the remote back on the table next to the coasters, which you're supposed to be using. And he couldn't find it. And then when he did find it and he's about to watch again, there's no fucking batteries in the house.

He just started ranting. He's like, motherfuckers, these fucking inconsiderate assholes. And Grant, I've told you a thousand times, you fucking shitty, stupid turd bucket. And Grant...

had missed the bus and had come home in the house hearing daryl uh yell about how much he hates carol and grant and calls him a turd bucket and now carol and grant always use the term turd bucket to remind daryl that he was called a turd bucket but daryl has said that in confession every single week he's gone to church that even the priest is like hey your penance is just to give yourself a

break man like you're fine that's the angriest he's ever been daryl still goes to like old school like old school it's just church right people still go to church it's not like there's medieval school there is he still goes to the all but yeah it's like my impression there's like a church a mile away from here okay look i'm just all i'm saying this i'm saying this i you know what church man i'm saying old school i'm saying old school you don't know why the population fucking continues to skyrocket i just feel like there's just less people walking in that booth and going like bless me

It's like saying there's less people that like Marvel. Like, there's still a lot of people that like Marvel. Like, is it going down a little bit? Is it ever going to hit the highs of Endgame? Probably not. Probably not. Remember Midway through the Infinity War series where it turned out all the Marvel movies were sort of a big backdrop for a lot of pedophilia? Only 2%.

Only 2% of Catholics go to confession. Damn. Three quarters of them never go or less than once a year. Yeah, once a year. It's usually like most Catholics go to confession. That's so wild. I feel like if I were Catholic and had a church nearby, I would go all the time. I swear. It would be such a thrill. I would save them up.

bank my points when I've got some good things. Hey everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play the Berkestock, Rocking Crunchy Munchy, Hippie and Drager, Druid Dad, Henry Oak. Nailed it. Perfect. Got it in one. I play Henry Oak and my Henry fact this week, I'm

I'm here to right some wrongs. I'm here to correct some mistakes. Very early in this podcast. Confession. It's confession time. Forgive me, fandom I have sent. A lot of people pointed out that in episode eight, I had a dad fact that Henry Oak Sr. at the time, which was Barry Oak's original name, spanked either Lark or Sparrow. And Henry didn't know which. But now people have gone back and said, well, wait a second. If Henry was from the Forgotten Realms, then how did Barry spank one of his kids? Well, kids.

Kick up your feet. I'm here to tell a tale. Okay. First you need to know about that Oak family is that they're not big on sugar, right? So like not a lot of sugary snacks, trying to keep the sugar low. One day when they were little, real little kids coming back from preschool, the boys had been really good. They hadn't bitten anybody, you know, like the teacher said, the high marks for today and they wanted a reward. So Henry was like, all right, let me find a healthy snack to give my boys. He found this place called Jamba Juice. He's like, Jamba Juice? That sounds healthy. It's got little slurpees and smoothies.

Hmm.

They fell into a sugar crash so deep that through the power of the doodler inside them, the astral projected across the dimensions into the forgotten realms and had a second sugar rager in a completely unknown land, which of course wound up being the bedroom of one Barry Oak, who walked in and saw two rowdy boys messing up the place. He swatted one of them on the bottom. That astral projected them back into their world. And you may be asking yourself, how does Henry know that his dad spanked one of them? And that, my friends, is a

It's a tale for another time. Gentlemen, gentlemen, may I pitch Dungeons and Daddies Season 2 Insidious. Hello, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that upon thinking about it a little bit harder, he did get that scar on his head by hitting his head, jumping the bed. Oh, from jumping the bed. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I thought it was going to be like from when his dad tried to drown him. No. Okay. Jumping out of bed. I mean, the Birch, I've come around on this. I am your dad once again. All right. All right. That's fair. I was trying to avoid the parasocial thing, but I realized just because I'm your dad does not mean that I love you. Oh. Okay. Okay. Very good. I don't know if just making it an inherently unhealthy relationship avoids it being parasocial. No, I think this is how we're going to play it. I think this is how it's going to work. Okay.

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When we last left you all, you had headed inside Ron Sampler's mind and you had left with the anchor, which was a metaphorical memory version of the lure that Ron has been carrying around this entire time. The one that he's holding on to when he saw his dad die. And on a much lighter note, you all managed to leave his brain and you caught back up with Peyton. And did we level up? Yeah, we leveled up, right? Yes, you did level up. Big fight, lot of dice rolling, some real D&D action. We have got a reward.

There was literally no fighting at all. It was just sad things. You leveled up from just being sad. As we approach potentially the final battle between you and the Omega Dads, I've told you this privately, but now I'm saying it publicly. No more Mr. Nice Dad. I realized the other day, like, individually, each one of you taken on your own is smarter than me. All four of you combined is like 17 times smarter than me. So I don't have to put in anything even approaching...

a safety net I'm not going to put in any safeguards to keep any of you alive I'm going to go hard on you and playing as these omega dad characters I'm going to try to ruin your shit so anything you can do from now hey Anthony we've all been playing right-handed and

We're all left handed. I mean, left. Yeah. You fucking nailed it. Nailed it. Yeah. I'm real intimidated now. Got it, Matt. But yes, any research you wish to do on Dungeons and Dragons stuff will help as we go. But I'll try to tell you about any of this stuff that really matters. You're still going to be easy on me though, right? Yes. You're my favorite. Okay. Thank God.

I did actually write Ron's last will and testament. Yes, Beth actually sent me Ron's will in case anything happens to Ron, and we'll have one of you read it aloud, I guess. Oh, wow. And if not, it'll go on the Patreon, and it's very good. Hey, Ron, you okay, man? That was hardcore shit, man. Yeah, it was really...

You know what? I think I am okay, though, right now. You guys want a big... I feel like... Yeah, group hug, right? That's all right with you, Ron. That was a lot. Break it in, baby. You want to maybe find a beach and just chill for a bit, guys? You know what I'm saying? Find some vibes. You know, I think we should figure out what we're doing with our anchors now we've got all of them, but first things first, let's bring it in for our buddy, Ron. That was really scary, and you did a great job, man, and oh my gosh.

Just wow. Just wow. That's all I got to say about that. Yeah, wow. Okay, hug on three. Yeah. One, two, three, hug. I hug everybody, and I try to lift everybody up like a bear. Oh, Jesus, I'm in the middle. I'm dying. I don't want to roll athletics for that. Are we crush paid and skulled? Like a bad mosh pit. Yeah, you just broke your anchor. Congratulations, you've evaded the moral quandary. No, I got 22. I got 22. Yeah, you lift everybody up. Oh!

Oh, I spin around. I go, oh, you guys are the best. I think, Daryl, I think I peed a little bit. I think you squeezed me too hard, man. It's fine. I absorbed it. It's fine. I really hope that's not true. That's not. It's not. I'm just trying to make you feel better. Okay. I put everybody down. Hey, Miss Witch, why does Peyton absorb pee?

He doesn't. Wait, what? Wait, what? That's just a weird thing he says. Wait, Peyton, what happens when you pee? I've never seen you pee. That's because I do it. You're not around. I'm a gentleman. But you don't absorb it. No, I don't absorb it. I'm not a sponge for pee. Why have you been lying to us this whole time? Yeah. Because it's a cool power that I wanted to make you all impressed by, obviously. Thanks for ruining it, witch lady. Sorry, sorry.

I just say they wanted to know. Hey, Payton, you're a pretty impressive guy even without absorbing pee. So I just want you to know you can be yourself around us. And it makes you feel better. Like you're actually cooler now that you don't absorb pee. Like it wasn't really like that wasn't a cool thing. We didn't think that was neat. Oh, Daryl, Daryl. The mere fact that you think that means that you're not cool. Yeah. Got him. Got him. Got him.

Well, as long as that's all wrapped up, Tilt Toblerone, thank you so much for your help. I think we need to be moving on to- Our kids. Figuring out what's next for us. But just one last time, if you do want me to help you sort through your stuff with Aaron, let me know. No, no, I don't. The sort of tete-a-tete we're going to have is going to be very fun in its own combative way in the future. No need for your help. Do you have any batteries? Batteries, batteries, batteries. Let's see, let's see. And she rummages around in a desk. I'm just going to go roll for her.

She pulls out of a drawer a little crystallized Tinkerbell in a sort of cylindrical shape. And she goes, this ought to do you. What kind of size? I can chip the amber around it to fit whatever you need. What do you want to use this in? What does that remote take? Oh, that's right. The remote. It rewinds time, right? It does everything. It does anything that a normal remote can do. It should have won Best Picture. I mean, you guys saw Click, right? Adam Sandler. Oh, I loved Click. I thought that was such a sweet movie. What?

Yo, Daryl, I feel like you and I don't agree on a lot of movies, but Click, that was a great one. Yeah, Happy Gilmore too, right? I liked that he was happy. That was his name.

He took care of his grandma. Well, yeah, I just, you know, it was a bad influence on the boys when they saw it. I'll put it that way. Yeah, whatever fits into this thing here. All right, so it looks like this baby takes double A's, which means I can carve it around the shape of this and bam, and she hits the fossilized fairy into... I believe that these are actually both D's. Oh. They're D, never mind. Ah, Glenn, it was so clever. I just want to get, I just want to do,

one. I never get to do one. Peyton puts a comforting hand on you and just goes, you'll know what the time is, right? Okay. Your remote has exactly one charge now. Oh, great. One charge. That whole crystal double A can last for like months. Well, this is a magical object, obviously, and it's being charged by a magical battery. No, Matt, it's got one charge, but then if you take it out and put it back in for some reason, you get another charge. Actually, yeah. If you take it out and put it back in, you get to roll a D20. Um,

And then if it's more than 15, you actually get another charge. Daryl, careful you don't sit on that thing. Hey. And then all of a sudden, I'm trying. It's not about you having a big butt or anything like that. Okay, I wasn't going to say that, but now I know you're all looking at it. It's not about you having a dump truck ass. Thank you, Glenn. See, that sounds good when Glenn says it. All I know is, you know, you got to be

We could stop time or something like that. We wouldn't even know we wasted our one charge. Well, actually, by talking a lot, we kind of have stopped time. Certainly the momentum. Actually, do you have a remote control around here that we can use as the remote so that we have some confines within which to work for things that you can do? Yes. Hold on. Let me grab it.

Shall I read it? Does Glenn have it? How can Glenn read it? I'm sorry. Matt looks furious right now. I'm sorry. It does have guide on it. Oh, that's good to know. Return. Daryl Press's return. Daryl Press's return? Okay, the remote control goes back to the mall. No! What did you do? You got pointed at Saul. This is why I don't own a gun.

This is in my hand. I had to play with it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Guys, I'm sorry. I didn't... If anybody wants to roll wisdom or intelligence or anything, we'll say if you got a sufficiently high roll on those that you would be able to deduce the fact that it went back to the mall. I got an 18. You know where it went. All right, we'll go get it. As you...

I'm not going to fight it. I'm sorry I lost the remote. It's very clear. You all want the remote. Daryl fucked up big time on that one. Let's go get the remote. No, it's fine. I'll take the money out of my share. We didn't talk about this, but I think we should all get equal shares. Also, really quick, as a dad, shouldn't Daryl be like...

taking damage for losing a remote. Oh my God. Yeah, he's already, yeah, I mean, he's got a tough history with remotes. That's a good one. Oh yeah, especially specifically because you remember the remotes and batteries and stuff. I think that's like some sort of role to make sure you don't flip out on everybody. That is a, I'm going to say a wisdom role, wisdom saving throw. I mean, that's Daryl's specialty. No, it isn't.

Is that nine? Yeah. Take a D12 of damage. Ooh. It should be 10 D10. 10 D10? You said you were going to be tough on us. Well, I was literally going to do a thing where he'd roll and I'd say, cool, now roll another D12. And I would keep doing that until you guys went, oh my God. But now that you threw that 10 D10, it's hypothetically the highest you would want to go. I got a one. I got one damage. Yeah. Roll four more D12s. Wait, what? That's what he was planning on

I'm doing anyway, but then you guys second-guessed my ass. Punish him, daddy. No, it's fine. No, I'm going to roll three. I said four. I mean, but I already rolled one. I got one. I said four more. Oh, my God. I think Anthony's butt hair is growing back all stubbly and ingrown.

Yeah, this isn't smooth Anthony anymore. He's got a pain in the ass and now he's a pain in our ass. I don't blame Anthony for this. Freddie straight up was like, yo, roll a hundred. All I'm saying is that as a dad, losing the remote is probably the most psychically damaging thing you can do to yourself. 22 damage. 22 damage is still not bad. Henry sees the anguish that Daryl's in and then he casts Healing Word. And the Healing Word is, don't worry about it.

How much do I heal? 17. All right. Wow. No big deal. So yes, on your way to the Orc Mall, you get a call from Erin O'Neil. Oh, hang on. That's so that's my leaf. And I pull out the leaf and I say, it's Erin. Should I take it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hey, Erin. Are you ghosting Erin, Henry? Are you going to ghost me? Let it ring a couple times just so she knows you're in pain. She can hear us. She can hear us, Ron. She knows we're doing it. Hi. Hey, guys. Hey, how you doing? Ooh.

Everybody looks a little down, a little bummed out. Yeah, we just lost a remote control before Dad's. Oh, I was thinking it was also the knowledge that Ron's dad tried to kill him. But yeah, your remote sounds like a real serious issue. How do you know about that, Aaron? Again, I eavesdrop on you constantly. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Aaron is becoming goals for me. So I was sort of overhearing some of the stuff that you were getting into, and I was thinking, sort of actually along the lines of what Glenn was suggesting, I moved the forest and your kids and everything. We're at a beach.

I can have the leaf give you the coordinates and stuff. So once you're done getting your remote back or whatever you're doing, why don't you just come and meet me at the beach? It'll be cool. By the way, Daryl's shirt is already off. It's already off and it's tied around his waist. He's like, that's incredible. Granddaddy, where you go to the ocean? You see in the background. He's like, yeah, I mean, I don't really, the ocean is cold.

I kind of like just, yeah. I mean, you don't got to go in. We'll just hang. Let's hang, everybody. Yeah, let's hang. Yeah, all right. We'll scoop up this remote, and then we'll see you at the beach. Which beach is it, by the way? I'm not going to say it in case anybody's spying like I spy on you. I don't want to give the paparazzi our location. That's true. You know, one of us is a real celebrity. I'm talking about Ron. The paparazzi. Yeah, the paparazzi. Okay, so yeah.

I'll see y'all when we get there.

Damn, that's a... I'm going to be honest with you. It happens about 30% of the time people buy these remotes. So yeah. Were you just staring at the space the remote went into? Yeah. Have you never worked retail? Sometimes you sort of look into the middle distance and just sort of wait to die. That's fair. That's fair. Should we have the battery back? It's our battery. You can have the remote and the battery back for the low, low price of 100 gold.

All right. Yeah, sure. Fuck it. I knew I should have asked for more. Real question. We're on our way to the beach. Do you have any like SPF? You know, some sunscreen. I burn pretty easily. I don't know. Put any sunscreen on this whole time. I'm kind of freaking out about it. Do you have any fishing rods? I do. I have all the things that you just requested. Actually, I have sunscreen. And then she points you at what looks to be a little sunscreen and fishing rods.

And only those two things. She points to what seems to be a small, like you can hold it in your hand, like a little chubby creature with two little limbs and a mouth that's, its cheeks are all puffed out. And she goes, you just grab it like this and then, and apply as needed. And then it starts spreading the goo from the thing's mouth. Like how many uses does that thing have? Oh, as many as you want. Okay. Nobody ever gets through one. I pick it up. I'm like, what's its name? I never thought to name it. And the creature just goes.

Oh. We can call a banana boat. Banana boat. BB. Yeah, we'll take this. BB smiles at you and some of its sunscreen begins to just like goop out of its mouth onto its chest and very quickly grabs and puts it back in his mouth. It's a living. And then it goes, okay, so fishing rods, fishing rods. Can I get my back? Ron BB. Ron is not paying attention. Hey, Ron. Ron, buddy. Hey, Ron. Ron, can you get my back? Ron, he wants to get his back. Not now, Daryl.

I got to look at this fishing stuff. Oh, wow. Gerald, this is like a thing for fishing. Remember? Like this whole thing. Yeah, I know, but I don't want to get my back right here. Henry, can you get my back? All right, I'll get your back. All right. Maul shows you a variety of fishing equipment. You got your spears. You got harpoons. You got just, you know, a long wooden stick. And she got some rope. And there's some wire and stuff like that. What's going to happen on the beach? I thought we were just going to boogie board. I mean. Ron asked for a fishing rod.

I'm sorry. I'm getting really excited about this beach day. I'm sorry, everybody. Go ahead, Ron. I'm going to step back. I'm just going to put sunscreen on myself. Ron, you get what you need. Oh, sorry. I'll pay for that. You just snapped that goblin's neck. You just grabbed that goblin and you snapped his... You turned his head around completely 360 degrees. I was playing. What did you do? He was just browsing my wares. Why did you do that?

What happened? I thought I was opening a can of beer. What did I do? You grabbed a goblin. You twisted his head off. I didn't know it was a goblin. I'm sorry. Well, I mean, I don't know. We just have to clean this body up. I can't have people seeing that people are getting their heads twisted off my store. Okay, I don't know if you could just say Matt murdered someone.

If he's going to do something as insanely like... I was playing that I was opening up a can from her place. Fine. It was a can of goblin ale. It was shaped like a goblin. She's joking with you. No, I'm just kidding. You're freaking me out. That's horrible.

We sell drinks at Goblin Corpses. It's a thing we do in this world. It was fun. You're doing like the Kristen Wiig thing. Like, just kidding. It's actually a goblin. Just kidding. It's not a goblin. It's a soda called Goblin. Just kidding. I'm soda. Anthony's so hardcore now that if I try to open his can of soda, he's like, you murdered something. So Maul says like, yeah, we got a bunch of different sort of parts that you can combine. It's kind of a Build-A-Bear situation for making a fishing implement. So whatever you like. Why don't you describe your ideal fishing rod and I'll help you make it. Um...

Let's see. Something from about 1972. Pretty wooden. And then...

metal reel, but it's kind of rusty, and then a bunch of fishing wire, and I'm going to need a new lure. You sure you don't want to use the one that you already have there full of emotional baggage, Ron? Actually, I don't know. I feel like you just actually probably should have more than one because what if you lose it? Yeah, we went through a lot of trouble. I don't want to have to go back into Ron's brain to get another one of these things. It's a lot to see if we lose it. You know what I mean? But let's just say that one...

I'm saving for a special fishing trip. All right. All right. Okay. So the orc hands you a fishing rod that is, doesn't look like it's from 1975, but it's definitely wood. It's got a metal reel. It's a little rusty and it's got a, you know, fishing line, a hook and a lure on the end of it. And then I'll take a spear too because it'll sound pretty cool. No problem. Here's a spear as well. All together, that's going to be another... Hey, Maul, what if...

If we get this all for free and we just promise to kind of like hype up your place a little bit. Yeah, we're what you call influencers. We're influential people here. I mean, you've heard of Hi, I'm Ron. Yeah. We've got some pretty important followers who are trying to kill us. Somebody roll persuasion. Oh, you mean me? Yeah, you do it. 17. Plus. Plus 14. 31. 31.

So she goes, oh, oh, you're, you're Highline Ron. Oh, oh, yes. Oh, please. Yeah, go nuts. Just if you could actually, if you could take this shirt and she gives you a shirt, that's just a picture of her with the words, malls deals. You've tried the best. Now try the mall. She hands it to you. She goes, if one of you could just wear that on your next concert tour, that would be, that would be ideal to me. Did somebody elsewhere already got a bad shirt from this place before? Pay

Payton, why don't you wear it? Yeah, I'll wear it like a bandana. That's cool. Yeah, I know. Okay, so Payton wears it like a bandana. See, Payton, that's cool. Again, again, you telling me what's cool? Not that cool. He's not going to want to wear it. Is that cool? Yeah, I think this thing kind of sucks. Daryl, we got this. Just fucking shut the fuck up. Good job, Glenn. Okay, so you head to the beach then? Yeah. I do have a request as Matt the player. Oh, God. Okay, let's hear it. Go for it. Can we roll on the encounter table? Yeah.

I want to play Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. After two years, now you want to play Dungeons and Dragons? Yeah, yeah, hit us on the encounter table. We'll be fine, bro. What's the encounter table? We're supposed to fight creatures every time we walk somewhere. Yeah, it's like when you do a big foot journey somewhere, you're supposed to roll the dice to see if... We had the wolves that showed up, but we told them not to. Oh, yeah. Let me see. I've got to find something that says coastal. Okay. A coastal elite. Oh, God. Oh, no. We'll chase them off with Hamilton tickets. As you approach the shallows,

Amazing. There it is. You come across a bunyip hopping down the road. A bunyip is both a Dungeons and Dragons character and also sort of a piece of like Australian Aboriginal mythology. It's like a tiger with like saber tooth face and like imagine an amphibious saber tooth. Wow. This looks so cool. Yeah. I'm a cast fireball at my highest level. Okay. That's a deck 17 save. Okay. It'll roll.

What is happening to this podcast? It's fucking clear in the way, bro. Do you want to do a bunch of zany riffs with it first, Freddy? You're just going to kill it? All right. So it failed its deck save. How much damage does it take? That'd be 13d6 in one go, baby. This thing looks like if Falkor the Luck Dragon was hot. That is...

One of the worst things you've ever said. 35 damage. 35 damage. Well, that completely obliterates its 32 HP. So it didn't even aggro to you. It just sort of showed up and then there was a bright light and then it didn't exist anymore. Fucking D&D rules. Can we do another one? Yeah. Yo,

Glenn, that was awesome. Let's do it again. Fuck it. What do we get from a bunyip? From a bunyip? Do we get like gear? It's worth 800 XP, but we're not doing XP based. Do I level up? Okay, we. How many bunyips do I have? If you can kill 10 bunyips, I'll level just you up. We should all level up. If we kill 20, we all get a level up. It's like when you play Oregon Trail and you're like, I'm killing all the buffalo. Hey, Aaron, just tell the kids we're going to be back. What? No. Dude.

We knew the other day. Well, Henry, you don't want to do this? No, I don't want to murder a bunch of defenseless animals for sport, Daryl. Geez, what's going on? All right, well, go up and talk to it. Yeah, no, I'm not going to go up and talk to it. I'm going to go to the beach and spend some time with my family. Fine. Henry rolls on the encounter table by himself. He's walked off by himself.

All right. Ron, are you staying with me? Glenn, are you walking with me? We're team murder. I was trying to find any bunyip merch. I just love the way they look. Okay. If we kill enough bunyips, you'll have all the skins and stuff to make all the gear you want. No, I, that may. You run across two genies. What?

What? What? I run across two genies. They're called Jannies, according to this online fifth edition database I'm looking at. But yeah, it's a challenge rating four, so it's well balanced for four adventurers of level four. And you run into two of them. Okay, two Jannies. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead and reason your way out of it, bro. Yeah, so they go, hey, what's up? Hey, hey, couple of Jannies, wow. Holy shit. You can't call us that.

What the fuck? We just met you. Roll for initiative. Oh my god. Alright, so they got a natural 20 on their initiative. This is my new favorite episode. So... They, uh... Oh, shit! Twice per day, a Janny... So this is about to happen to you. Twice per day, a Janny can magically change a creature's size. What?

All right. Give me a DC 13 fortitude save. Constitution save? Okay. I got a nine. Okay. So they cast reduce person on you. And let's see. They have your height, length, and width. Dude, Marcus Brooklyn, kick your ass, bro. And divide your weight by eight. Wait, what? What?

I just said, you're half height, half length, half width, and your weight is divided by eight. Weight does scale properly because you're talking about cubic dimensions. Oh, okay. It actually does scale properly. Yeah. So you're just half your size. Oh my God. Gosh, you know, I'm so sorry. I'm not, I'm from here originally, but I haven't been here in a really long time. I kind of, I feel like that's like going up to someone and just being like, oh, hey, two white people or whatever. That would also be wise. I know, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I'm understanding that that's-

yourself that was a kind of crazy thing to do and I apologize and you're saying this as you get smaller and smaller I'm saying that as I get smaller and your voice is getting higher and higher and that's on me and

and I'm really sorry. I really try to work on myself as a person, so just again, I really apologize. I'm sorry. So I've shrunk down. Hey, I'm curious. How long is this going to last? Oh, about four days. Oh. Nice. Okay. Well, you know, all right. Thanks for that. You know, I think I learned something, and that seems fair for the sort of transgression that I made, you know? We agree. Okay. Well, I'm just going to go. Cool. Okay.

So they keep on rolling. I believe Matt and Freddie were trying to murder 20 bunions. Now I'm bored. Let's go back to the beach. Let's follow Henry. So you run into a half-sized Henry. Hey, guys. I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say words were said that shouldn't have been said. All right, let's go. Yeah, hey, this seems normal. Let's go beach day, beach day.

So you head to the beach. Oh, we hear the surf, this fucking sick music. You head toward the smell of salt and the sound of waves crashing against sand. Henry, you're kind of, I'm not trying to be rude, but we're trying to get, you're running a little bit behind. Do you want us to pick you up? Henry has turned into a half-sized little bear to run along with us. Oh, no! That's cute. Can Peyton ride you? Sure, yeah, Peyton can ride me. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Here we go. Now to bite my steed. Ugh.

And he throws his leg over you and he goes, ride. Okay. I deserve this. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Daryl's like, but Frank was my best friend. So you head toward the beach and you see, I mean, unusually for beach, obviously a bunch of like forest arboreal trees just sort of blocking the way, but they begin to part in front of you and step aside. And you can see Aaron is on the beach with Walter and all of your kids. Walter's working on the lawnmower. Aaron is grilling some meat and the kids are playing volleyball with what looks to be a improvised volleyball made out of like

old timey leather. So Aaron sees you and she goes, oh, hey, let's talk. We got to talk before you party. I mean, or if you want to party, maybe while you're partying, maybe I can sort of exposit what you're going to need to do as you party. Yeah, let's just see. Let's get out of the way so we can party. I feel like, yeah, let's get all the info out so then we can just chill. Okay, so you a good news group of daddies first or a bad news group of daddies first? Henry turns back into his half pint-sized self and says, I am

Whoa, Henry! Oh, Henry! Oh, no! Oh, no! Is the bad news important? Extremely. Do we have good news for people who love bad news? It's the second time we've made that reference in this podcast. Well, we were dead before the ship even sank. Okay, so here's the bad news. So you know the Omega Dads are trying to close the portals back to your world, and you paid me to send out a bunch of tree scouts to prevent that from happening.

They're basically building an army and building fortifications there. So right now, the army consists of Barry, obviously your dad, Bill, your dad, Willie, your dad, sorry. The dragon, Radiolab. Oh, really? He's stuck with them? Yeah, he's indentured to them. It looks like 10 bounty hunters. They looked pretty beefy boys. And then David Boreanaz in 10 blue coats. Wait, Boreanaz is on their side? Yeah. Gosh, that's got range. He's got range.

He's actively building his army to try and make it bigger to get ready for you because he knows he doesn't have to go after you because you have to go through him in order to get home. He's got home turf advantage. It's a real Red Rover situation sounds like. So that's the bad news. The good news is they had brought in a bunch of mages, a bunch of freelance mages to close the portals. My trees managed to kill all of them. Wow. So the only... Yeah, I thought so. We look around the trees are just like dripping with blood. It's like, oh, fuck. And sweat. And they're kind of

Yeah. You have a cool scar on you. One of the trees raises a branch to where its brow would be if it was a person. Just boom. One sexy tree is like bandaging another tree. Holy shit. And the other tree like winces like, and a little bit of sap comes out. All the trees are partying and then you look out and one tree's just like walking along the beach by itself.

Just looking out onto the surf as the waves lap up against its roots. I should go talk to that tree. There's a tree with an eye patch. What is this? One tree hill? Sorry, moving on. So yeah, all their mages are dead, which means that Barry, Bill, and Willie are the ones having to personally try to continue closing it, and they're going to be way less effective at doing that. And if you can get there and basically make them break their concentration and stop them from doing that, then the portal should...

open up. So you've only got three guys to deal with instead of like the 15, it was going to be. How many days do you think we are days? I mean, minutes. Well, how long do you think it'll take? It'll take me a really long time. Cause with 15 people, it was going to take them probably about a week with three people. It's going to take them a long time. So you're saying there's a portal to our world that they're trying to close right now. Yes. The one that you came in from, uh,

They are trying to close that portal. Oh, sorry, yeah. The place where you popped into our world in the first place, that's the place that you wanted to get out from, and that's what they are currently trying to close. Now, the trick is, they haven't completely closed it, but while they're performing the spell, nobody can go through it. So like I said, when you get there, you're going to have to stop them from...

performing the spell one way or another. Now, work at hand, like I said, you've got a lot of time before that portal actually closes. And money. We've got a lot of money. And you have a lot of money. You've got a lot of time and a lot of money, and that portal's not going to close anytime soon. So I figured we could go to the beach because the beach is pretty easily defendable because they're only going to come at us from one area, which is the path up to the beach. They're not going to come from the water unless they are really stupid because I'll just have my trees, like, toss stuff at them and sink their boats and stuff. Yeah, trees, the best aquatic...

military force. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you know what trees drink? It's water. They'll just climb in there and then they'll just get rowdy and they don't need to breathe air. Seawater is like Jägermeister for trees. Yeah. So my thought was we could stay here and you could make whatever preparations you need in a relatively safe space. And I assume that includes, you know, if you wanted to reach out to allies to get them to join your fight, if you wanted to

build anything, prepare anything in terms of you got your mower, if you wanted to make other stuff, if you wanted to invite merchants here or just invite people to join. Like I said, Willie is building an army. I mean, he turned into your mustache or something, right? But we could get mercenaries again, right? How much money do you still have? We got $1,000 from Maul and then we just gave her another $100. No, we got it all for free. By the way, Aaron, you ever check out this mall? Oh, yeah, the mall, yeah. You should buy stuff at the mall. All right, obligation finished. Anyway, as you were saying. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Nice. Oh, sorry, sorry, Eric. Hashtag ad. I just have to disclose that. I was beginning to think I could really trust you. I do need to disclose hashtag ad. You put that barrier there. Respect that. Okay, so the thing is, basically, anytime you want to do anything in terms of bringing in an ally or convincing people to join you or doing anything in preparation, it's going to take a little bit of time. So the way that's going to work is... Persona rules. Kind of, yeah. This is Anthony talking now. Anytime you do something that's going to take time, I will roll a d10. And the score you get on the d10 is the number of, like,

hours, I guess, will say that it takes. And every five hours, I'm going to roll a separate D10 on a table of improvements that Willy's army is making. Whoa. So the more that you do stuff, the more Willy's army might improve. We're basically competing. You are essentially competing. So there's a chance that whatever you do is going to take anywhere from one to 10 hours. Every five hours, Willy's army is going to improve in a random one of 12 ways. So it's a D12, not a D10, sorry. Ah.

In the same vein of what I was saying earlier in terms of I'm going to try to be your opponent properly for this sort of big finale, whatever we do for these last episodes is going to be primarily on you all and what you want to do to feel like you were preparing for the fight and bringing things to a close and doing all that kind of stuff.

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See store for details. What are the kids doing right now? So the kids right now, they're all playing volleyball, except none of them know how to play it very well because they've never played volleyball. Grant's played volleyball. Grant's played volleyball? Yeah. Okay, Grant's trying to teach the others how to play volleyball. What's up, Grant? Hey, Dad. Oh, you're back. Oh, and he runs up and he gives you a big hug and he goes, oh, you're back. Okay, cool. Good, good, good, good, good.

honestly, we got, we got a lot of stuff going on, but we're going to take a little break. Everybody, we just need like a little bit of a beach day. I was wondering maybe this is a little way, but we can invite anybody. Do you want to invite, you know, like maybe eat or like, you know, we're having a beach day. Do you want to like invite some friends? His eyes immediately go wide and his face immediately gets red. And he goes, I, I don't know about the,

Last time I saw Yi, I was, I looked like a real ding dong, real dingus. Well, you look great playing volleyball. Show off your volleyball skills. That's what you're suggesting, Dad, is that I invite a cute boy over and I say, hey, sit there and watch me play volleyball. Well, also, you know, it's like sometimes if you're a dingus one day, you might not be a dingus the other day. Yeah.

I mean, I guess it's worth it. And if we're leaving... Yeah, if we're leaving, I just thought maybe he wanted to hang with... It's worth the spike. And also, I kind of feel bad those kids need some help and maybe... Yeah, I could invite Yeet and his sister, sure. I like that, Daryl, because you know what? We've got a big adventure coming up. We've got a big battle ahead of us. And it seems like we've got a little bit of time to prepare for it. But why don't we have...

One last fun day in Faerun. Mental preparation, right? Yeah, mental preparation. You know, we just got through this harrowing O2. Yeah, work hard, play hard. I just want to, let's blow off some steam. Let's have one great night where we party, you know, with our kids. We have a good time. Just a classic beach cookout. And then tomorrow morning, we tackle this. We go to war. We go to solve the problem. We go to resolve conflict.

Right? Yeah, we got a whole war to plan for. I like when Daryl said war. You can't really do a battle cry on resolving conflict. Oh, sure you can. You say, hey, hello. Oh, yeah, just watch, Peyton. Time for things that have got to go, and it's time to do them. Peyton, we'll discuss the ferocity of our battle plan tomorrow. We can deal with how violent or not violent it will be. But, yeah, I think today we deserve a break, and I think, you know, the kids have had a tough time.

In the words of one of the wisest councils in our world, the Entertainment Software Ratings Board, that rates all the video game content that I let my kids play, tomorrow might be M for Mature, but today is E for Everyone. Let's get into some comic mischief, gang. Hey, Henry, doesn't your kid still hate you? Glenn, that's literally the opposite of what... Are you fucking kidding? Read the room. Read the beach. Yeah, I...

mischief. That's great. And Henry takes a d4 of psychic damage. A d4? Is that all? Take 2d12. God damn it. I love my remote more than he loves his son.

All right, how do we get a yeet? And I forget the sister's name. Yeet is fucking overrated. Give me kill a back. I could send a raven or I could have one of the trees go and talk to him. I got trees everywhere. Maybe we can challenge him to a volleyball match. Yeah. Okay, that sounds fun. Volleyball match. That's what people want. This will take a little time. So I'll roll for this on the timetable. Henry says that while crying because he took 19 damage. Oh my God. Good. Great. So I'm going to roll for how long it takes for yeet to respond.

nine hours. That's fair for like across the whole. Yeah. I mean, that's like fucking modest. Fuck dude. Let's leaves you on red for a while. You know what I mean? Honestly, you can't do a good barbecue in less than 10 hours. So I'm going to roll on the table once.

So, oh, wow. Okay. So Yeet and Killa come in to the beach and Yeet. Yeet. What's up, Yeet? Hey, what's up? Yeet, check it. Yeet. And then I throw a big rock. That's how you... Whoa! Whoa! What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

And she's really angry and she's going to go join some army in the forest outside Neverwinter. Oh. I heard Daryl and it sounded like it might be somebody you know. She should have gone with the Stampler Sampler. Yeah. I mean, if the best Willie can do is some like bar owners, like they were going to be okay. Yeah, I mean, she looked like she'd been working out. Okay. The pause when Matt was about to say barmaid but said bar owner instead. That's gross. That's gross. Yeah. Yeah.

Feminism won. So Killa DeMol says, like, yeah, and we got a message from a tree that said there was a volleyball game with the Doodlers. And let me just say that my bro and I here have been pretty hungry for a rematch against you. Except this time can please nobody turn into animals. Yeah, that's fair. We're just going to have a friendly game. And I cooked up some BBQ and we're all we're getting ready for a big battle. So, like, we just want to relax tonight. So, yeah, Yeet looks over the group and he goes, hey, Terry. Hey, Larkspur. Hey, Grant. And Grant goes, what the heck?

What are we doing? Just us two versus the rest of you? The old man, why don't you go ahead and be on my team? Kids versus adults. How's that? Kids versus adults. Henry goes up to Larkin Sparrow. Hey. Whoa, father. Hey. Father. You boys are. Sparrow grabs you by the shoulders and goes, you're the son.

What happened to you? Hi, it's really nice to see you. This is great. You know, it's been so long since I was this size. I'm looking forward to maybe I can see things from your perspective a little bit. Yes, of course. Of course, Father. Oh, delightful. Lark, Lark, look at Father. He's tiny now. And Lark sees you and just like grips the volleyball so hard that it pops.

And Aaron's like, that's okay. I have another one. We can go refill. Why don't you come with me and we'll just fill that one back up again. Yeah. Well, your old man's going to play in this game. So are you two going to play? Oh, of course, father. Of course. All right. Well, you know, Lark, I'm going to be on the other team. So may the best oak win, right? Lark.

turns and sees that you're going to be on the other side. And you gave him the gauntlets back, right? Oh, shit. Yes. So he just looks at you and looking you dead in the eye, just puts on one of the gauntlets of overstrength and just with no reaction, just clenches his fist. And he looks to spare and he goes, brother, it is time to play volleyball.

And Sparrow goes, okay, that's fine. Hey, Terry, your old step man's going to show you how it's done. Actually, have you played volleyball before? I was going to ask you if you'd ever played volleyball. I haven't, no. Yeah, okay. I thought that it was one of those things that I could kind of pick up as I go. Okay, so that's a good first thing is you can't pick the ball up. Here, I'll take a little display. You guys do. I'll explain to Ron how to play. Nick Jr., you want to keep score? Yes.

And Nick Jeter jumps into the beach and then it draws in the sand with its body, a big scoreboard essentially. And it's right. And lines, right? And lines. Yes. I just realized if Henry's half is Heidi's three, what is he? He's five foot ten. He's two foot nine. Two foot nine. Yeah. Okay. All right. Good to know. Yeah. So he's actually smaller than Marcus. He's smaller than Marcus. Okay. Yeah. Two foot 11. Two foot 11. We got all the dads, minus Peyton, plus Aaron. And then we've got all the kids on the other side. So why don't all of you roll athletics?

And I'll have the kids roll athletics. I got nine. I got a 15. No! Oh, okay. The seven looks like a one all the time. Because I get plus nine. I thought, okay, I still got a 16. I got a 17. And I also want to say that Henry can't jump on himself. So he can jump like eight feet in the air. Ooh, okay. So that means roll again, Henry. Okay.

I got a five. Hey, we're going to play. What are the stakes here, everybody? Hey, adults, if we win, the kids got to, what do they got to do? They got to, hey, we haven't done laundry in a long time. All you kids are cleaning our clothes. Laundry duty. Lark walks up to you and goes, if we don't win, we won't tell Child Protective Services about what happened when we go back. Okay. Whoa. Okay. Whoa. Hey, Lark, buddy, there's a good chance we're not going to get out of here. So good luck with that one.

Yeah, let's give me a real joke. Wait, what? We're not going to get out? Yeah, that's a real trash talk. Hey, we're in the game right now, buddy. If we win, we all forgive the kids for one thing we're mad at the kids about. And if the kids win, they forgive us for something that they're not. Okay, Henry, you're getting there. I like that. You know what? I want my laundry done, but I get it. If we win, Larkin Sparrow, you have to forgive Henry.

And if you win, what do you want? It's like, oh, okay. If we're making this interesting, then yeah. You win, Larkin's fair, forgive you, whatever. If we win, we get the money that you have. Oh. All of your money. I mean. I'm in. Let's do it. Okay. Deal. You can have all 50 gold of ours. Roll deception. Hey, Glenn, how much gold do we have?

I lost count. No, you did a little deception. You're not outsourcing your lies. Oh my God. What'd you get? Two.

So he goes, a couple thousand, a couple thousand sounds like. Okay, I was lying. Yes, I thought obviously you were lying. I was lying. All you know is that I lied. So Glenn, why don't you tell the truth about how much gold we have? Because I was definitely lying. You got a two, my dude. You got a two. So make a roll disadvantage. You gave a fucking tell on your face. Make a roll disadvantage. No, I'm

roll of disadvantage is still going to be 40 for him. Fuck you. You don't get to pretend you're making it fair by saying disadvantage. We have a couple thousand. That's right, because we're that kind of businessman. Ron, I like the honesty. All right. Straight shooter. All right. Quick down. Hey, guys, look. Guys, we have to win this game. Look, yeah, we got to win it because, yeah.

the only reason we got win this is, well, I don't know if it's really healthy way that that's the way they give you, but I get you, Henry. We got win. I feel like we're kind of having reverse arcs right now. Like you're getting really open with your kids and like, I don't try to solve stuff with sports. Like what's going on? I don't know. But look, if we lose, I mean, he's still a kid. We're not going to give him money. Even if we win, my son's probably not going

Forgive me. Aaron's like, cool, as long as we're all agreed that nothing's at stake here and nothing will change. Good. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So everybody, you rolled athletics and combined, you got 62. So I'm going to have each of the kids roll and then the hottie is going to roll, but they're going to roll with disadvantage. Why are they rolling with disadvantage? Because they have skateboards in the sand. You're telling me these radical teens don't have off-road wheels for their skateboards, Anthony? That's a really good idea.

Yeah, oh yeah. Mountain boarders? I would've heard it. E. Bigley's like, just a second, let me switch these babies out. And he does like a sick handstand. You know what break dancers will stall just on their hands with their legs in the air or whatever? He does that and his legs in the air. He goes, kill her, wheel me.

and Kill with like practice like pit crew dexterity and speed removes the trucks and then puts on like new like sand tires onto the thing and he rolls around on them and immediately starts kicking up like big rooster tails of sand it looks cool as hell these kids are literally just Otto and Reggie Rocket laughing

Okay, so they're each going to roll. So Grant is going to roll. He gets a 15. Grant's like, yeah, I'm pretty good. Pretty good sports. Thanks, Dad, for teaching me how to be good at sports. I mean, you teach me. You're a good sports kid, naturally. Good job, Grant. He spikes on you and goes, nothing personal, Dad. Terry Jr. got an eight. He's like, I'm just so tired explaining to Ron. Are you winning, son? No, no, no, no, no.

Lark goes, he gets an eight. He hits it too hard and just keeps going out. And Star's like, brother, brother, you have to control the power. And Lark goes down. Good hit, Lark. You nailed it. It was not a good hit, father. Good trash talk, Henry. We're getting his head. Oh, no, that wasn't trash talk, okay?

dog. Hell yeah, dude, I love it. You have to do the sarcasm. Your sarcasm cuts me in the bone, father. Dude, cold as fuck, dude, cold as fuck, man. So Lark and Sparrow got identical rolls. They both got eight. Oh my gosh. Very cute. Sparrow did it to make him feel better. Exactly, yeah. Lark hits it way the fuck out, and Sparrow's like, yes, this is how we're playing now, and then hits it in exactly the same spot. So Henry got a five on his roll, so I would like to say that when the ball comes to Henry, he does the same thing as his son. He's like, yeah, it's a fun game. Who can hit it the farthest that way? Since you rolled poorly, it should be that you spike their asses. Oh,

Oh, jeez! Yeah, just like a fucking digger. Everyone's like diving for it and shit. Hayden rolls a two. He just immediately hits it into the net and it comes back at him and he goes, all right, I'll fucking fix this. And then it starts climbing up and tries to start sawing away the net, like the little crosshatches of the net and make a little hole for himself. And he's like, I'm just gonna hit it through that one right again. Oh, jeez.

Boom. And then it falls. It hits a different part of the net. It hits him back in the face. Killa knocks it into the air just real, real well. And boom goes the dynamite. And boom goes the dynamite. Killa goes, set it for me, brother. And she jumps into the air and then like pulls her arm back even though there's no ball there. With her eyes closed. Yeah, with her eyes closed because she trusts her brother that much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Geet skates in, flurries of sand ejecting from behind his cool skateboard wheels, and he perfectly does the thing with his arms where you hold your two fists together, but not completely, where your thumbs are like next to each other. Sets it. Sets it. That's a bump. Oh, shit. Thank you. Thank you. Geet bumps it and spikes it down, and their final summation of their score, you had 62. The combination of all their unmodified athletic scores was 65.

So Killa lands and everybody's like, yeah, Killa and Yeet. Killa and Yeet. And they're all cheering and Peyton's like, me, me, me. Yeet bigly skateboards over the net onto your side. You can't cross the side. Skids a little bit and the sand goes up. That's bad sportsmanship. The sand goes up and you have to look away like it's a bully. It gets very much in my eyes. Yeah. Like, ah, fuck!

He puts his hand out and he goes, looks like somebody owes me a thousand gold. I'm sorry. Are we supposed to believe that after not even a full set, not even a whole match, like literally one fucking thing that we're supposed to call it? Do you want to do this as many more times as are in a volleyball game? Because I don't know what the number is. Here's my thought. It's like...

Could Glenn get Nick Jr.? Because Nick Jr., look, it's not about who wins the election. It's about who counts the votes. So all I'm saying is that. Yeah, put that out there. Nick Jr. Yeah, Glenn's just giving hand signals to Nick Jr. this entire time. Are you sure you guys won? Because it looks like match point right now, my dude. I'm going to roll sleight of hand for the rat. Unfortunately, Nick Jr. got a five. They all turn and they see Nick Jr. clearly trying to like.

and like shuffle its entire body over the score of the hotties and they go like okay so you're trying to cheat now you're trying to cheat to get me that's not very sports I'm like what are you teaching these kids huh that's fair that's a good talking to I don't know that was inappropriate to cheat look the fact is we already gave you a ton of money and I was mostly I was just wanting to have we can't give you the money why did you agree to it in the first place that's

That's not sportsmanlike. Excuse me, if I can explain this in business terms. I will. Businessly speaking, it's not about having the money. It's about telling other people that you do have the money. And so now you're in a unique position, a special opportunity, if you will.

that you cannot have the money but tell people that you do. And I think that that is less troublesome than worrying about actually having the money. All right, if you're going to Welch, here's what I want instead. I'm English. I'm going to point at each one of you. My mom was Scottish. Nice one, Ron. I'm going to point at each one of you, and you're going to say,

Yeet and Killa, we lost to you. That's what's going to happen. Okay. Yeah. And he points at Glenn. Glenn's still wiping sand out of his eyes. I can't see shit. You don't use your eyes to admit inferiority. Fine. Fine. You fucking kids, you won, all right? Henry. Yeet and Killa, we lost to you. Ron. Yeet and Killa, you won. Daryl.

Eat and kill. Have we lost you? You guys, you're both just incredible athletes and you totally beat us and I'm sorry I was just cheating. I wasn't trying to cheat. It's just I shouldn't have. Anyways, that's a lot of money. Also, also, also, eat and kill. Have you checked out this mall? Ah, fuck. Fuck.

You guys should check out this mall. It's hashtag ad. You know, you admitting that you're not as good at us, that's almost worth a thousand gold. So thanks. But since you welched, just in case you were thinking you might be able to recruit us for your fight coming up, I'd just let you know that's off the table now because you welched. Oh, I don't think so.

I mean, you're kids. We don't want you to fight. I mean, you could have had us do any number of other things. We could have been scouts or transmitted messages or distracted people or gotten some other people that we play football with. So I would never pay kids to do that. Yeah, but you could have gotten us to get people that throw it, run it, catch it down the field. Hey, we draw the line at child soldiers, all right, kid? We just invite you to have a good time. Yeah, we do. And then you've got barbecue and food here. Okay, I'll have fun the rest of the time I'm here, but I just want you to know

You lost an ally today. Hey, you can just tell us straight. I mean, we, you know, I mean, we're competitors and all, but we care about you. And I know you guys have a tough life. Do you need more money? Like what's going on, kids? It would be nice to have a house. How much is a house? Like 200 gold. Oh, wait, is it really 200 gold? According to the actual rules of like D&D stuff, like a gold is like how much you would pay a person for one day of work.

And you can save up a house with 200 days of work. Assuming that we're in like boomer times. D&D canonically takes place in 1952. Glenn, how much money do we have? 1697 gold. Oh. Hey kids, we'll give you, look, we care about you. You're my son's friend. You're good kids. Here's 200 gold. You got to do one thing for me. The second you just hand them 200 gold, their eyes get very big and Killa's like, uh, yeah. Actually two things for me. I don't like where this is going. Yes. What would you do? Stay here and have some grub tonight. Yeah.

And give us all a high five. All right. So both Killa and Yeet give you very solid high fives. And Yeet's like, yeah, so I guess we should get some, what, some coconut drinks or something? The first round's on me. Ha ha ha ha. I'm rich. Woo. We're going to buy a house. Hey, Grant. And Grant's like,

Because Chris has just been staring at him, just blushing the entire time. Henry takes this opportunity to go up to his two beautiful boys. Okay. Hey, boys. It's me, your tiny dad. My tiny loser father. I love you so much. I love you too, Sparrow. And I love you too, Lark. And I know things have been tough lately, you know, and that's okay. We're going to get through it. But I feel like being a kid for a day, you know? I feel like I'm back to kid size. And, you know, I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. Your grandpa was kind of a jerk and didn't want me to have a lot of friends.

And I always wished that I had brothers. You know, I think if I had two friends like you growing up, if I had two brothers like you growing up, that would have been really swell. And what if for the day we're just three friends being kids together? Why don't we just go have some fun? I feel like I spend so much time thinking about what you should be doing, and I don't spend a lot of time listening to what you want to do. So why don't we...

This is kind of silly, I guess, but I always thought it'd be fun if we could have like a fun like adventure together or something like that. Oak adventure, no rules, kids. Yeah, you know, I know I'm not great at enforcing the rules, really, but at the very least, I'm constantly putting the expectation there. And, you know, maybe I disappoint you guys a lot. And so I don't know. Do you guys want to just go like poke around the woods or something? You guys want to go find some cool rocks? Sparrow's like, oh, father, that would be delightful. Our new brother, Father Henry Oak. Oh.

Oh, that would be the chaos we would have gotten up to if we had been your brothers. Oh, I can't even begin to imagine. And Lark's like, yes, father, let us play bloody knuckles. I'll go first. He says, raising his golem fist. And then Sparrow's like, no, no,

Let's just go into the forest and gallivant, shall we? We will find adventures. We will climb trees. We will jump off of trees onto other trees. You know, Sparrow, I love you so much for, you know, smoothing things over. That's real mature of you. But you're a kid too, and you don't have to speak for your brother. And, you know, like if he's angry right now, it's okay for him to be angry. Lark, why don't you and I go talk, okay? And you can tell me whatever is in your heart, and I will listen.

That's not something kids do with each other. I thought today was the one day where you were going to be a kid. Well, I wanted to be a kid and then you, it seems like- You took it back so quickly. You know, but- You couldn't handle 30 seconds of childhood and I have to do this all the time. I'm sorry. Lark, why don't you and I talk man to man?

So I'm a man now. For this conversation. Oh, how quickly the web dissipates once I poke at it even a little bit. No, no, you know what? Gosh darn it. You are young men. You're young men now. You guys can read young adult novels, and that means you're young men. And it's time I recognized that, and it's time I respected it. So yeah, Lark, why don't you and I go have a conversation man to man? Hmm. Okay.

But, Sparrow, if I call for you, come at once and spirit me away from whatever conversation Father is trying to lure me into. That's fair, and Sparrow likewise. Hey, Terry. Yeah. Come here. I'm over by the beach. I guess you could see that because the whole thing is the beach, but I'm over here by the water. Are you doing okay? I... Are you...

We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just wanted to check in. I want to want to talk about it, but I don't want to right now. That's fine. If that makes sense. We can just chill. Is there anything you want to talk about? It's just a lot of stuff and I don't want to talk. It feels weird to talk about my stuff while you've just found out your dad tried to

Well, I like hearing about you and learning about you. So yeah, there's nothing bad in that for me. Okay. We'll start with favorite things that you like to do. Okay. Favorite things. This is how I fish.

So I've got the fishing rod right here. And then I have this lure and it's a new one. I just got it at the mall. Hashtag ad. Hashtag, this is an ad, by the way. Don't forget you got the hashtag ad. Sorry, Terry. Glenn hanging out in the hammock with Nick Jr. Hey, Ron, Ron.

You got hashtag ad. Hashtag ad. Sorry, Terry. This is just to be transparent. This is hashtag paid promotion for the mall. But I got this. I really like the way you do the ad, though. It just feels like it's coming from your personality. I know. It's so natural. Sometimes you joke around a lot without actually getting to the marketing copy. But I think that makes it feel more genuine. Yeah, you can tell that I'm really invested in it. And that I've actually sort of, you know, I'm not like other Rons. Yeah.

I'm not like other businessmen. I thought that about you the very first moment I saw you. So anyway, I just got this new lure today. And, you know, I have a history with lures. They seem kind of attached to me. Anyways, but this one is new and there's no...

You know, there's nothing really attached to it sort of emotionally or spiritually. But I want you to have it if you want. And if you don't want to have it, then that's cool, too. But it was just like, I want you to know that if this is our family lure, you can have it and you're good enough for it always. And so how I fish.

Is I take all this stuff and then I put it away and then I stick my feet in the water and then I just sit here for a couple of hours. I think everything you say about the way you like to fish gets said after, because after you say like, hey, this is your lure and you deserve it and all that kind of stuff, he kind of just throws an arm around you and then like kisses you on the temple, you know, the side of the head. And she goes, thank you very much, Ron. That's very nice. And then you, yeah, when you explain putting your feet in the water, he goes, yeah, that sounds great. I'm not...

I've never really been into the idea of fishing, just like, just sort of ruining somebody's day while they're at home, essentially, in the water. So, yeah, I like putting my feet in the water. That's cool. I'll hold on to the lure. This is nice. This is cool. Yeah. Fish aren't biting today, though, huh? No. You hate to see it.

So Henry is walking through the forest with Lark. I guess the grove of hot trees. Yeah, you're just sort of walking past a bunch of shirtless hot dudes, essentially, that are also trees. We're walking through the forest and Henry says to Lark, maybe we can start here. If you're ready and if you want to talk about it, just tell me what's in your heart. I don't wish to, Father. Explaining and...

and justifying my feelings feels like additional labor on top of the labor I'm already doing not to lose my shit completely. Do you want to just lose your shit? No, trust me, you don't want me to lose my shit. I can handle it, Lark. Whatever's in there, believe me, I've seen some pretty, and felt some pretty hard stuff. So, you know, as your father, I just want you to know that even if you don't like me, it is safe for you to tell me how you're feeling. Okay, cool. I don't like you. Done.

Okay. I... Walter would have legs if you were better at your job. Ooh. Ooh.

Hear Glenn from far away. Far away. Ooh, very quietly. Ooh, hashtag ad. Daryl just walks up and grabs Glenn by the shoulders and is like, hey, just leave. Dang, man. Come back to the hammock, dude. Just like, we're good. Leave this one alone. I guess that's fair. I can't. I don't know what to say, man. I wish I knew something to say to make it better, but you're right. This is a scary world, and we don't know the consequences of all our actions when we make them. All I can tell is you, I tried everything.

To make the choices that I thought would be best to protect you. But maybe you're right. Maybe if you had the gauntlets and I had trusted you, then things would have gone differently. And I'm sorry. Okay. Has this conversation sufficiently unburdened you of whatever guilt you were feeling? Does my explaining my irritation, the fact that one of my best friends is now... Lark, it's okay to be angry. It is not okay to be cruel. Shit.

And you know that. And you can be as angry at me as you want, but it's not okay to be cruel to anybody. So maybe I'm pushing this too hard. Maybe you're getting upset. And maybe we can talk when we get back or not talk or however it's going to work. But I'm...

Let's just call it a night. So the real fucked up thing is that as he's saying these things and as you're looking at him, you can tell he's not like upset. He's not like not in control of his emotions and the way that you would think of somebody of his age being. He's clearly thought about this. And so he just goes, okay then.

I'm going to kill him. He's 12. He'll get over it. So Lark just starts walking back to the beach and not really waiting for you. And Henry just, Henry just walks back. Tiny Henry. I just remembered you're tiny. From the stump that he was on moment. The moment Henry like comes out of the tree line. He doesn't see Daryl, but like just a hand holding. Not fucking now, Daryl. He just holding kombucha. Not get it. Not now.

And Daryl just takes the drink. Thank you. I appreciate it, but that sucked, and I need some space. Daryl just drinks the kombucha and then spits it out. Daryl, that shit sucks, right? Yeah, it's not good. Daryl has the two good dads in the group. Ha ha ha!

What's up, Glenn? What do you think, Glenn? Do you think we should step in here, help out our fellow dads? I mean, Ron seems to be good. I think we should kill a 12-year-old. No, let's not kill a 12-year-old. What's Grant doing? Grant is hanging out with Yeet and Killa. The sun's beginning to go down. They're sitting around a campfire, and they're telling stories, and Grant is very clearly, like, his body language is very closed off, and he's very nervous, but he's, like, smiling and laughing, but he's still very terrified, and Yeet is being very charismatic, and, you know, Grant's nodding along.

Ron is like at the fire around the kids to telling scary stories. I'm sure. I feel like you could definitely tell that Ron is getting far more scared than the kids as he's telling the stories. I go, yeah, this kombucha really sucks, man. You want to you want to sit down? Just share a beer with me, Glenn. Yeah. Tough. Hell yeah. Tough as all. It's been great. Yeah. Right, Nick Jr.? Yeah.

You won't get trashed. All right. It's up to you. Bro, let's go. Why was that so funny? Daryl holds Carol's letter about to read it. Whoa. No, no, no. But then he hears you talking to the rat and Daryl puts the letter back in his pocket. You go, say, Glenn, you want you need to talk, man.

Or you want to just sit here and drink? You know, in a good sort of dad tradition, I don't know what to talk about. Just let's sit here and drink, bro. Yeah, let's do that. Yeah, let's do that. Hey, Daryl. Yeah. I think I did pretty good today. Huh? Yeah. You remember that like monster that came at us in the woods like and one shot it like no problem protected the group and all. Yeah.

Yeah. Net positive for the day, in my opinion, the old Glenn book. Let me just pull that out. Glenn pulls out a small notebook and then for the day, Mark's like, check. Did good today. And then as you flip through it, it's been like a string of X's. Of like 2,000 days. It's just like, yeah, I'm trying to turn this downward trend around. Combo breaker. Combo breaker. You know, how you doing, man?

Hey, Peyton. Yeah. No, not you. Oh. I'm going to go back to hearing scary stories. Ron's got this really scary one about a businessman who's like business cards. No, don't tell me that one. Okay. Daryl. Yeah, what's up, guys?

Have you given any thought about what to do with your dad boy? Yeah, I don't... First, I'm not quite sure I understand it, but I'm not... Honestly, I don't want to kill Peyton, or not kill Peyton, but I'm also just like, what happens to Frank? Like, if he... Like, I don't know. Like, does he come back? Is he going to see me, like, as me now? But you have to do it if you want to go back home, right? I'm not...

I don't know. I, you know what? Honestly, I want to see my dad again, but I'm not, I'm just not sure if I want, I don't know. I'm not sure if I want him to see me like, like, I don't know. I hear you. I hear you. Let's throw that out here.

maybe it's this bad booch getting me a little tipsy wait why are you still drinking the booch dude here i got you up here there you go there we go dump this shit out glugs it out into the fucking sand nick jr lapping it up also goes watching you from a distance a single tear falls down her eye do you have any idea how long it takes to ferment mushrooms yeah it's throwing it out here if uh if payton needs a

A bro in this world. Mm-hmm. I'm like 50-50 on going back, to be honest. Really? You don't want to go back? You know, I've just been thinking about it. It doesn't seem like there's much for me over there. It seems like... Can you DJ here? Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha

♪ It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life, all you do is try, it'll be alright ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Our theme song is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to our Patreon supporters by the name of JellyfishPancake, Ashley, and Matt.

Kyle Mayo Roberts, Whispera Whisperwind, Josiah Miklos, Kate W. Siff, Jenny, Christian Wade Miller, Lindsay Heskett, Dustin C., Darrell Bedassi, Jada Crouch, NoRemacKid, Eddie Currant, Justin Liebrechts, James Bryant, Andrew Siedlack, Madison Figg, and Joshua Von Praag.

Support this show directly, get ad-free episodes, and get access to hours upon hours of bonus content at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. If you're curious about exactly what you can get, you can see all of our Patreon content on our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. Click Patreon on the top and then scroll down and just keep on scrolling. I mean, look at all that stuff. We got live shows, live streams, Discord, Reacts, merch discounts, two miniseries with more to come. It's a lot. It's a lot of stuff.

Please check it out. Consider supporting us directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. And by the way, starting this month, touring-level supporters and higher get an exclusive Jez Ball poster featuring Henry Oak after you pledge for three months. That is patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Twitter at dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. Our next episode is coming at you July 27th. We will see you then. There was a time we'd meet between

Wait a second. I'm looking at a picture of a remote on my computer right now, and it has a button that just says go back.