Ep. 65 - Frank Conversations
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Theorizing that one could time travel within his own podcast, Coach Dad Daryl Wilson activated the stick of functions and disappeared.

He woke to find himself trapped in the past, driven by an unknown force to fuck over his DM and retcon the timeline for the better. His only guide on this journey is Sweet Matilda, a barkeep from Phandalin who appears in the form of an extremely attractive woman that Daryl can only attempt not to sleep with. And so Daryl finds himself as a bartender working in Phandalin.

striving to not cheat on his wife, and hoping each time that his next episode will be the one that takes him, his friends, and his kids home. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a Dungeons and- A Beastie Boys podcast! Yeah! Is there a Beastie Boys podcast? Yeah!

You got a point for your right, D20. A gap in the market. No, this is a Dungeons & Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into a land of high fantasy and magic on a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bar DJ of the group. This was Glenn Fact. I'll say it once.

Just because Glenn says it every single time someone mentions the film Primer on the show. Glenn goes, Primer? I hardly know her. Classic. We know he says that. We just choose to not respond to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wild how that's been cut from every episode. You hate to see it. Who would do such a thing? Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this realm of fantasy and wonder and whimsy. Not a lot of whimsy in this world these days. No, not recently. I don't know. I feel like going back in time and changing the detail is pretty whimsical. That's true. That's pretty whimsical. That was a little bit more primer than Doctor Who, so we're going down the seven deadly sins. Yeah, where we at? Where we at? I hope the show ends before you finish. Okay.

You just got Daryl's lust. Yeah. Speaking of which, I didn't have a good lust one until last episode where Daryl got to spend a good old six months with sweet Matilda. So just to answer, I've been just inundated with just just requested Daryl cheat on Carol. No, Daryl did not cheat on Carol. She makes beer so good. So good.

So good. But there's a lot of lust going on in those six months. We'll just put it that way. His dreams, that face as normally Carol is definitely... Hold up, hold up. Am I to believe that you saw some things on the internet and then made a dad fact to clarify and then your clarifying dad fact was...

It was kind of like a fucking innuendo that you don't clarify? No, no, no. He was lustful. He thought about it. That's the sin. Lust is different than adultery. Lust is the desire and the want. And we don't need to get blue about how he relieved those lustful intentions. No, I did. You did. Now I know. He drank beer alone in the shower while masturbating. Okay.

Not many men can drink their own beer, but... Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, no. No. Anyway, I'm Will Campos, official voice actor of Henry Oak, the Birkenstock, rockin', crunchy, munchy, hippie nature druid dad. No sleep till Faerun. All right, I had to get that one out. Um...

Henry fact this week. Henry's never broken a bone. Wow. Yeah. Have any of you guys never broken the bone? That would be me. Have you ever had a bone to pick? Have I ever what? Had a bone to pick. I don't know what that means. That's the second fact. She always says, I do have a bone to pick or two.

And he says, no, I don't. I love everyone. So no bone. He's just like, because, I mean, just lucky. Just never been. Yeah, he has his because he has elf bones from his mom. Yeah. Wolverine. He's Wolverine. And what about you? What's your excuse? My excuse is I'm a coward. The easiest character to kill in all fiction. Wolverine.

Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that when he was first dating Samantha, this is actually the first and last time he ran some errands and Samantha called to ask him to pick up a couple of things because he gets confused about certain things.

things that he's supposed to be buying. For example, Samantha gave him a call while he was at the grocery store like, oh, by the way, babe, can you pick up some pads? And he brought back puppy pads, puppy training pads. Now Samantha does all of the... Samantha's the most patient human being. Truly. A saint. What do they do with the puppy pads?

She just wore those for a while. What are puppy pads? Oh, puppy pads are just big, absorbent sheets of paper, basically, you put down if you're training a puppy or if your baby happens to pee somewhere a lot. No, Ron, you did a good job. These are actually more comfortable than the ones I normally get. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I would just... Wow, these are big.

Yeah, the Franny type of dog. Here's how I know they're big is that the Amazon picture of it has two hands, but the two hands are like across the image and do not appear to belong to the same person. You know what? Samantha is absolutely the type of person who would have like a six month supply of any sort of thing ever because of living with Ron.

So it's like she would be like, yeah, could you pick me up some pads? But like being ready for the next six months, regardless, having time to prepare. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad, but not for much longer. What's happening to you? I'll die. The heat death of the universe is coming for us all. No, I mean, you know, the season's coming. I guess I don't really have a dad.

FACT. Here's a good dad fact: Where do you keep your toilet paper? Uh, in my garage. Your garage?! Or a shed. It's more of a shed. You have a shed for your toilet paper?! Well, it's not JUST for my toilet paper! It's where all the things that I will eventually need but don't want to stare at in the meantime go. Freddie, I 100% thought you were setting them up for some sort of Ligma-esque ante there. No! Wait, wait, wait, you don't keep your toilet paper-- It felt like a "Is your refrigerator running?" type of question. Wait, sorry, back up, back up. You don't keep your toilet paper, like, under the sink? I have a weird sink that doesn't have, like, cabinets underneath them. They-- Wait, what?!

Yeah, it's just like a skinny bottom sink kind of thing. It's weird. But it's next to a poplar. It's an apple bottom sink. Yeah. It also has boots with fur. No, I have two fallback holdout pistol boots.

stashes of fucking toilet paper. One is like in the closet in that room. Oh, like a quick draw holder. Yeah, yeah, it's a quick draw. If an assassin kicks down the door and wants to wipe their butt on you. Yeah, the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a badass is a good guy with a good ass. Every closet in my house basically has different toilet papers just so that worst case scenario, I have to waddle 30 feet. Worst case. 30 feet? Worst case. Best case, I just, I barely even leave the seat. Best case, it was a nothing but netter. Oh, God.

Those don't exist. That's not a thing. They exist, my friend. If you think you have a nothing but netter, then you have a stinky butt.

Last episode, you went back in time and fucked all my shit up. You fixed everything. And then most importantly, we ended on the note of Peyton is now Frank. Peyton is now Peyton's memories from being in the UFC, Frank's soul and Frank's memories. So he's sort of an amalgamation of a lot of things. Before we get into the drama of the scene, did you want to determine what effect your time travel has had on your character? Like level?

Level-wise? That's got to be at least one level. I feel like Daryl didn't do anything to level up. Thank you, Matthew. Thank you, Matthew. Who's my favorite student? Who's my favorite tutor? I feel like Daryl went down. He's hilarious. You were a bartender. That's not an easy job.

I feel like emotionally, look, I think there'll be things I throw out there that I like learn, but it'll be mostly about bartending and like interacting with people. It's a lot of emotional growth that happened. I feel like whenever like guards or anybody came in for a beer, like he would hide and like, you know, then sweet Matilda would be like, hey, what's going on? And like, you know, I couldn't explain too much because I didn't want to get her caught up in the timeline. And after a month, we kind of had like a night that was like a little too close for comfort for Daryl. But like in that, that's kind of where the truth came out. And that's where she started believing in our in our job.

It's like a fucking Merchant Ivory movie. Yeah, she started like, I want to get your kids home back too because she lost a kid a long time ago and like she wishes she had a chance to like bring her kid back. So that's when she decided to go undercover for us. What are the odds that her personality and hopes and dreams are aligned specifically with the main one? It was crazy. Literally everything about her just made Daryl a better person. I don't really know much about her, but she really helped Daryl out quite a bit. What are the odds? Yes. You know what? She wants her own podcast. She could get one right now.

But right now, she's here to help Daryl out. That's so dark. It's true that most women don't have a team of four men elevating them to greatness. So Daryl was going through that, and then Matilda was like, you know, hey, I'm not just here for you. I have my own life. And Daryl was like, you're right. I didn't think about that before. I got a lot to learn. There's this woman named Beth back at home that helps me out through these things as well. Yeah, there's a lot going on. You just turned Beth into your sweet Matilda? That's the worst thing you've ever done. Yep.

There could be multiple bets. Yeah. Yo, that's so fascinating, sweet Matilda. There's another woman in my life whose life revolves around it. Then Daryl spent two weeks mostly in his room being like, I can't do anything right. Everything I say is a problem. And then he finally got it wrong. Never left.

And then finally he came out. He's like, no, what? It's just about trying to be a better person. I'm going to do my best. That's the best I can do. And then that's where Daryl is now. So he kicked open the tavern door, holding the head of a dragon and went, cool. My personal story is done with, I didn't feel like telling you about it. I had my own shit going on. I had a quest and I finished it. Yeah.

If you had cheated on Carol with Sweet Matilda, I would have given you a level up. But as it stands, we value only monogamy. Hot dig. Don't cheat on your wife, everybody. You'll definitely level up. I'm not saying do it. I'm just saying it'll definitely change things for you. You'll evolve. It'll be a moment before and a moment after.

Okay, so when we last left you, you had just been embraced by... Sweet Matilda. You'd just been embraced by your father in the body of an eight-year-old boy. And he hugged you and he said, oh, my boy, my baby boy. What's going on? Do you... Hi, what's happening? Dad? You feel small, weak hands patting you on the back. And he just goes, I'm so glad to see you, my son. I'm so glad to see you, Daryl. What? What?

Do you know where you are? Like, what's that like? Tears rolling down his cheeks because I have all of Peyton's memories. So I know where we are. I know what's happened. I remember you explaining to me what's going on. So I was worried.

When I was Peyton before I broke the bowl that I would sort of like completely overwrite me, but I was sort of not both. Now I have the memories of being your dad and also the memories of being your son. And all the sinus problems of Peyton. Yeah. Unfortunately, I've been punched in the nose a lot in this form. So this is as good as my voice is going to get. He's looked at love from both sides. So you've seen everything that's been happening here. Yes. And what I want to tell you, Daryl, and he puts a hand on your shoulder, is he goes, you're doing a good job. Oh.

Daryl just starts crying. Ron also starts crying. Thanks so much, Dad. It's been so... Grant! Grant! Come over here! Grant, he's sliding down the crabmech claws with the other kids, and he goes, oh, who's... And then he comes over and he sees that Peyton is, like, markedly different, just as, you know, different stance. Different aura, different eyes, different posture. And he goes, uh, uh, Grant, Grandpa? Grandpa?

And it goes, it's so nice to meet you. My grandson again for the first time. Come here, bring it in, bring it in. And he starts crying and he pulls in grant for a hug and grants like, oh, okay. And grant hugs me. He's like, this is nice. This is nice to, wow. Fine. Nice to finally meet you. Yeah.

what do I call you now? Payton or, or grandpa or Frank? And Payton goes, you went wherever you're at. Whatever you want to call me. It's fine. It's fine. I just want to be here. I'm just so glad to be here with all you, whatever makes you most comfortable. Oh, my boys. Everybody. My dad's here. You can call me. I call out to everybody. Hi, Mr. Mr. Wilson, Frank. I'm,

Name's Henry. Henry Oak. I'm a friend of your son's. No, I've seen you. I've seen all the work you've put in. You're doing great, too. I think you're... Oh, my gosh! And then Henry starts crying. My dad never said that to me. No, I'm proud of you. I'm telling you, I am proud of all of you.

Henry takes a D4 of psychic damage. Rod, I know everything is just being a person has obviously been very hard for you and you're doing your best and I think what you've done with Terry is wonderful. Glenn, I think you're going through a very unique and self-inflicted trauma that was very selfless of you. I think anybody who says you haven't changed over the course of this adventure is incorrect and reading the situation wrong. I think... Dang, your dad's still a meta, man. I love it. I just want to say...

I'm so proud of all of you. It's very rare that a man gets to live two lives and have so much love and affection in both lives. There was only one who did that, right, Daryl? What? Never mind. What?

Sir, can I hug you? Jesus Christ, Liv. Well, he kind of just left pretty quickly after the second one. In many ways, I am bigger than Jesus right now. That's what I want to get. Sorry, that was pain. That was pain. That's okay. That was definitely pain. Holy shit. It's still in there. It comes through sometimes. Sorry, Rod, you were going to say something.

Can I hug you? Oh gosh. Yeah, please do. And he opens those arms. Ron breaks down and he's rubbing Ron's bald head. It's okay. Junior, come meet your grandpa. Terry Jr. Is like, uh,

like, uh, but, uh, yeah, okay. No, I mean, yeah, no, all right, all right. And he just hugs you and, like, has a face like, this is, I know this is not really my grandpa, but okay, it's making Ron happy. Uh, Mr. Wilson, Frank, can I call you Frank? Yeah, of course. Can I call you Dad?

If that's what you need, sure. I just realized, you know, one person who wasn't really in on the loop here is Walter. What are we going to do about that? Is he... So you hear the rumble of a John Deere lawnmower coming out of the forest and you see Walter driving through holding a big bundle of sticks and he goes, oh...

I'm so glad to come back to my good old friends and my good son Peyton. Oh, what's going on? Oh, is it Peyton's birthday? Oh, I just realized, I don't know Peyton's birthday. What's going on? Hey, everybody, what's going on? And Peyton looks at him and goes...

Walter, Walter, thank you so much. And he runs up and he hugs Walter. And you can see because, you know, Walter's head is overpainting shoulders. He's hugging. You can see confusion cross Walter's face and then understanding and then sadness. And he looks at you, Daryl, and he goes,

It's your dad. It's Frank. Yeah. Yeah. Walter, sorry. I was talking to Peyton. You know, that kid just had a bind of his own and he just. He broke it. He smashed the. He broke the thing. Yeah. I mean, he was. I'm sorry. I was so overwhelmed. I also time traveled. You weren't here for that. What? Yeah.

I'm back. It's been a while. I was going to ask about the beard. It's very good. Oh, my beard. Yeah, your beard. To show the time has passed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Time has passed. I have an even bigger beard now. I mean, he's still got Peyton in him. He says the blasphemous stuff just a moment ago. That was definitely on the Peyton side. But yeah, it's Frank now. But yeah, this is my dad slash Peyton, Walter. Okay. Hey, man, I'm sorry about Peyton kind of changing right now.

Yeah, it's... You hugged too? He's getting hugged by Peyton. And he goes, yeah, I guess I could use it. I come in and... Everybody hugs Walter, I assume. Yeah. Walter pulls away and looks at Peyton and he goes, I thought... I don't know. I thought we'd have more time together. And Peyton's like...

Yeah, that's what I thought with, although they're here, but I think that's part of being a father is you never quite know. I'm sorry that things had to go out this way, but I just watch it. I just want you to know there's nothing I like less than doing a scene with two NBCs, much less when it's this kind of a scene. And then like there's a soft reprise of it's been a long day. Yeah. He just goes, I want you to know that you

you've been the best adopted bullywog father. A lot of qualifiers are paying. A kid who's not a kid. Well, I just told you all that you're all amazing fathers and I just wanted to be special for Walter because Walter had nothing to gain from this. You all wanted to get back to your families. You all want to get back to your lives. Everything you did, you were being really good dads, but you had an end goal in mind. Walter was just in it for love of the game.

Or love of the painting. Holy shit, you're right. Walter just wanted to be a father. And I'm telling you, Walter, you are a father. Even with me being what I am and being frank and being paid, I just want you to know that you're the best father I ever had.

my dad wasn't around because he died really early in an offshoot. Daryl looks at Walter and he's like, Grandpa. Oh, oh, oh, no. Oh, wow. Well, my family just got so much bigger. Oh, oh, okay. Well, this is... There's just so much I want to tell you. Like, there's not any questions you have while you're gone. I mean, like, Grant, that's named after your middle name. And, like, Carol and I weren't sure if we were going to have kids at first. And then we were, and then it took a little bit of time to... And, like, I started a beer company. I'm like, sis, do you want to know what, like...

there's just, I don't know. There's just a lot. You missed a lot. And there's a lot I want to tell you. And like, do you have any questions? Like what's heaven? Like, I don't want to know right now. There's a lot going on. How you went to heaven. Like anyways, what's going on? I have a ton of questions. Obviously I want to know everything about your sister. I want to know everything about your mother and your lovely wife and your wonderful son, Grant. I want to know all of that, but,

We are Wilson's, and I do think we should maybe talk about it a little bit later. I think you and I should go for a walk, and we should just lay it all out and have a good old time. We could talk about everything and sort of catch up with one another as a sort of, like, climaxion. Sure. Because I don't know if it's going to be dramatically interesting to hear you just sort of fill me up on everything. No, no, that's fair. It won't be that interesting. Before you guys go in, because obviously you have a lot to catch up on, but one thing we all need to know is...

Frank, what do you know about the other dads? What the heck is going on? We haven't heard that side of the story at all. We're still pretty murky on a lot of the details here. Oh, you're talking about the Omega dads? Yeah. Yeah. So I had an accident at work and I fell.

And everything went black for a second. And rather than feeling myself being pulled toward, you know, that light at the end of the tunnel to heaven, like I hope I've proved myself worthy of going to, I can only hope. Through your staunch Christian beliefs. My staunch conservative right-wing beliefs. Instead of feeling myself pulled there, I felt myself to my disgust pulled to the left. LAUGHTER

You all do Frank dirty. No, he's not that kind of conservative. He's the normal kind of conservative that's like friendly and a normal human being that you would meet at a barbecue and just don't have too many conversations about things that really matter to you. And it'll be fine. Yeah, Frank has blind spots. Yeah, Frank's got a blind spot. He goes, no, I felt myself being pulled unnaturally through dimensions. I felt myself being pulled into this realm by somebody who had clearly done that before.

What's it feel like? Is that like DMT? I don't know. No worries. Just taking notes. Drugs are not something for old Frank, my friend. But hey, it seems to work for you, so go ahead. Just don't ever let your kid do it. Okay. DMT stands for direct masculine thoughtfulness to Frank. I've also definitely never done that. But no, yeah, I saw Willie, and I was in this incorporeal form, and Willie made an offer to me that apparently, pointing at Glenn and Henry, that your father's accepted,

which was if we could harness daddy magic through, to use my words, enslaving your children, then we could essentially live forever. Willie seemed very scared of dying. It seemed like he'd gotten very close before he got pulled into this world by something dark and tentacled beneath the deep. Well,

And he seemed terrified of the idea of nothingness. And for me, I'm a good Christian man with good Christian values. And I know that this is not the end. I have no interest in hurting the people that I love just to prolong my own existence, even if they're people that I haven't met yet, like Grant. So I refused. And as punishment, he put me in the body of a homunculus child that you see before you. This fucking super handsome, super tall.

cut super badass fucking body and uh he threw me into the unfortunate foster children so that i could be beaten to a pulp infinitely basically because i i can't age in this form and yeah i got beat up all the time but i gave as good as i got that's not true uh but uh yeah then i was basically just being beat up every day until i met you all so that all i really saw of them was that very brief window of time where they made me the offer and i refused

Wow. So when you say somebody who had, you know, done something dimensionally before. Yes. What does that mean? I think that means that

Your father, Willie, the last time you saw him, you thought he had died. I don't think he did. Or at least if he died, it didn't stick. Something happened to him and he got pulled through the dimensions. I think in the same way that you all fell into this world, I think the same thing may have happened to Willie as he was dragged down into that lake. Well, how can we find out more about that? I guess you're going to have to ask him. Oh, okay.

Yeah, maybe not. I mean, there's a way, you know, to show around that. My grandmother from Earth was pulled through to this dimension by something dark and mysterious. Yeah. And maybe my mom can help us figure out what that was. And maybe there's, and again, like, remember my kids were summoning this dark entity too? Something called, we called it the doodler. The doodler.

Go doodlers. Maybe if we learn something about the doodler, we can at least know a little bit more going into this battle. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Mom. So Autumn comes over. She's been sharpening her knitting needles and also at the same time knitting a really neat like scarf. And she goes, yeah, what's what's going on? Oh, oh, this is my dad. Mrs. Oak, this is my dad, Frank. Pleasure to meet you. And Frank goes, ah, shantay. It kisses her on the hand. Oh, my gosh. Because that was I would say 70 percent in that one.

But a pleasure to meet you. You raised a good son. She goes, I did not raise him at all. He goes, fair enough. Mom, this isn't your mom, but this is my grandma on Barry's side. How much do you know about how she came to this world? So when you say that, the color drains out of her face and the needles go slack in her hands and they...

to the ground because it's grass or you're on the beach. So it's sand. So they silently get enveloped into the sand. Really good thing we clarified this. Imagery is very hard. And then Ron picks him up. Hey, you dropped these. Uh, uh, uh, thanks. Thanks. And then she drops them again. Yeah. And she says, Barry's mom, my mother-in-law, I asked her about it, how she came to this world. I asked her many times. I was very curious. And every time I did, she got this look in her eyes, this distant,

And I could feel, if not hear her screaming.

There was something horrible that she saw or did or was affected by back in your world. And it seemed like the only options were to either die or to be taken by it in some way. And she opted for the latter. She was she was taken into this world by it, by this being and brought back to life. Apparently, she had died for a moment and then come back. And she was not the same. Her soul was, in a sense, gone. And all that remained were the memories of this death.

horrifying thing. And she met a really nice elf and they helped her deal with some of that mental trauma and push some of it away. But it was always going to be there. There was no getting rid of it. She could only learn to deal with it. And for a time, Barry was really good at helping her deal with it too after she gave birth to him. And when she eventually died of pretty old age, because the elves are obviously pretty good at keeping people alive for a long time, it was after Barry and I had gotten married and she had told him, no matter what happens, make sure it can't come back.

And this thing that exists within you and your sons, I think is the same thing that pulled...

your grandmother into this world and the same thing that pulled Barry. I think the doodler, this entity, this creature of chaos or this force of chaos. Not to be confused with the West Rock Elementary mascot. Is our school demonic? Well, I kind of think maybe the squiggle monster that my beautiful boys drew that, you know, like I think maybe it was inspired by... It came from our brain boxes! Yeah! So...

All the more reason we should have picked it. So old Daryl was right. We said that, that, that was not good. I'm sorry, but just a tiger. It's a boring mascot. It would have been a demon though. That killed all of our dads or whatever. Oh, who would be more terrifying to face on the soccer field, a tiger or a demon that killed a bunch of dads and exists across universes. Uh,

Thank you. I'm with Arkansas Sparrow on this one, Daryl. You're right. You're right. You can't do a tiger. The mascot's unimportant. Irvine's got a tiger. We couldn't do that. The PTA would have a riot. Come on. Something tells me we haven't seen the last of the doodler, but I think for now we need to keep moving on with our plans. But Frank, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You're like Daryl on Crusaders and you're like, whoa, Daryl, you cannot...

We cannot be the crusaders. No, it's cool. Like the crusades, they got like a cross on them. Well, okay. Like Indiana Jones in the last crusade. Yeah, it's cool. Think about it this way. Just because the mascot has the same word or thing doesn't mean that it's actually the thing. Think about the USC Trojans are not condoms. They're different things. So I think that like if our son's soccer team, the doodlers, and the thing that we say when we say one, two, three doodlers,

I think it's the condom version of the monster. I'm 100% with Ron on this one. Well, that's good. Yeah, okay. Here's something that is interesting to me, is that I feel like we know something, finally, that Willy is afraid of. Nothingness. He's afraid of nothingness. He's afraid of death. I'll bet your bottom dollar he's afraid of this doodler. I mean, yeah. And if you know how it's what someone's scared of, you can kind of, you know, maybe we play into that fear a little bit. I don't know. I'm just spitballing you. Dad, are you afraid of the doodler? Uh...

I haven't met it. It sounds wild. Okay. That's not scary. I mean, I'm certainly scared of anything that's a big old demon. I'm not excited about fighting that. I just assumed you weren't. If Frank is, then definitely Willie is. I'm just saying that. Yeah. My dad's afraid of something. Willie definitely is. Yeah, but your dad is powered by the armor of Christ. So that it shields him from... Daryl's like finally like seeing eye to eye with Glenn. He's like, yes! Like, dude, Glenn hits it. Oh my God. Don't you think daddy's a Christian? I don't know.

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You broke your anchor. What happens when we destroy ours? That's a good question. What does happen when we destroy the anchors? So Autumn says, once you've destroyed your anchors, you've also destroyed the limiter on your daddy magic. And once you all do a ritual together. You're telling me we've been training under heavier than earth gravity this whole time? Lark and Sparrow are like, ho!

And she goes, yeah. Basically, once you do some sort of dad ritual with those limiters destroyed, with your anchors destroyed, you will probably get some daddy magic, some power that you hadn't had before, hadn't had access to. Ron, I haven't... That's going to be another thing. I think, Dad, you probably already know this because you've been seeing everything, but I...

Oh, I didn't want that. But I mean, I haven't destroyed my anchor. What do you mean? I thought that I thought that was the anchor. The bull is just holding my dad's memories back. So I am the anchor. If I don't die, you can't go back. And Daryl, I know you're going to protest. I know everybody's going to say, don't do it. But I said it to you before and I'll say it again. Most people aren't lucky enough to live one life with as much love as I've gotten from you and your family and your friends.

I've got to live two of them. Once as Frank and once as Peyton. And...

I'm not ready to go, obviously. I'm not going to lie and pretend that it's going to be easy for me to say goodbye to you for a second time. But at least this time I do get to say goodbye. We get to do it on my terms rather than just, you know, me following like a ding dong at work. No, I've had quite a few months to think about this. And I've known that you're going to have to. I mean, same not saying bye and not be able to see you when you went was the worst thing that ever happened to me. So it will be. I know you have to go again, but we're we're

We're going to have some time together before then, though, right? Yes. It's up to you when you want to do it. If it's going to be easy for you, you and I can handle this before the big fight, or I can go into the fight with you, because Lord knows that's going to be pretty...

anyway. And if I could go down fighting for my son and for my, for my new family, that I don't think there's a better way a man could ask to go out. I think emotionally too. I was like, Oh, like, Hey, it won't be like as weird when you die. Cause like, you're not going to look like Frank. You're going to look like a kid. But then I'm like, wait, now it's way weird. I'm like losing you and Peyton at the same time. So there's gonna be a lot to handle. Yeah. Well, uh, you want me to like draw a mustache or a beard on my face? So I look older. So it feels a little bit weird. You're always so fucking funny, dad. Oh,

Oh, that was just saying this is strategic thinking. I think you two are more alike than you remember. But yeah, so yeah, I haven't killed my anchor. Oh, God, I haven't broken my anchor yet. But we'll get there. And also, I'm not going to make you do that. That's not something a son should ever have to bury their father. No, wait. A son should always have to bury their father. Never. I take that back. Yeah, you do it. Glenn seems pretty amped up to just kill dad. Yeah, honestly, Glenn and I could just leave and fucking mice in bed this shit. Oh, my God.

Sorry, that was Peyton. That was not me. I was not afraid. That was Peyton. Of Mice and Men, a story that transcends all dimensions. Tell me about the doodlers. We're going to own doodlers, right? So I'm looking at this cool model we built in the sand of the gate.

and it feels like we need to start coming up with this plan. - That's the tough part. - We're attacking some defense, right? So let's take those things one thing at a time. What's the first thing that we gotta hit? We got those towers in the first field, right? - Force field. - We got force field towers, we got a wall, and then we gotta get inside the portal. Let's just do one thing at a time. - We got like a whole stage and sound system set up there right now, right? We should blast that camp with noise to cover our approach. - We could bump some cool beats, and then those beats could be a cover for people to dig down under the ground. - Ah yes, that's right. - And blow up those towers.

Because we can get to the ground near the towers, but not near the force field. Yeah, because the towers aren't in the force field. So if we can knock out those towers. Like the Battle of the Crater, right, Dad? The Civil War? It's just like the Civil War, but a favorite war. Ha ha ha!

Wait, for which reason? Just because of the moral ambiguity of it. States' rights versus national rights. Oh, God. No, because the Union side, they went underneath the Confederates and they blew up their whole place. And then they made a mistake and they ran. Just because I was rooting for the Union. That's not, like, those are the good guys, clearly. You don't need to clarify that part. My dad was definitely a Union man.

Yeah, no, that's great. Yeah, we gotta do that four times, but when we blow up those four towers, the force field goes down. The Battle of the Crater, by the way, which was... Oh, right, hold on. Yeah, that's right. At the beginning of Cold Mountain, the film Cold Mountain. Oh my God, yes. Yes. So then, here's what I'm thinking. Glenn gets this crowd super fired up and... Fired with a Y. Fired with a Y up. Yeah. And then...

If I break my anchor and I unlocked this power of daddy magic, I've heard tell, mom, you'll back me up on this. There's an incredibly advanced druid technique called animal shapes.

And animal shapes lets you turn a whole crowd of willing people into a large beast of challenge rating level four or lower. Anthony leapt to his computer to look this up and has a look. I don't like the look on his face. And so then what I'm thinking is, you know, I think I could get a little bit more on board with unleashing a crowd towards this thing. It's worth giving them some protection. I just don't want to send these people out to get slaughtered. So what I could do is turn the whole crowd into rampaging beasts.

My fellow Oakvallian druids could be buffing them with spells and supporting them. And then we could lead this big mob to knock that wall down and take on that army. So we got music and explosives. I mean, it's like going from walk the line to civil war to Lord of the Rings. Helm sleep. This is like, dad, this is amazing. This is, I'm so excited for this. This is this good. I'm nutting. And that's not Peyton.

That was pain. That was 100% pain. He's just enough that he can make me feel like I should say these things. He's a lot of that, isn't he? He's psychologically dominating. I feel like I'm being psychically dominated right now. But then after the wall and all those people, we get to our dads. Correct. The three-ring circus. And we got the three-ring circus. We got your bracelet for Willie. Yeah. We got to figure out how to get that bracelet onto Willie. We got to weaken him.

we gotta show them something that they're afraid of or weaken their defenses or I just don't think I can do it if he's... We'll be by your side, Ron. Yeah, we'll be with you, Ron. But you're right. That's three super powerful spellcasters and they're gonna be fully rested. They're gonna be fully charged up. Even if we get through, they've got a whole fucking, excuse me, a whole frickin', they've got

whole mess of spells. They're a lady's present. Oh my, I'm so sorry, Dad. I mean, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wilson. No, it's okay. If there was like some way we could get them to burn through a lot of their spells so that we're not hitting them when they're at full power. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Softening them up. You're right. You're right. Soften up their defenses a little bit. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like when you leave butter out for a while. Like a decoy? Yeah. That's exactly right. The sound of four players triumphing that you stumbled across the thing that they were planning in the previous hour. Yes. Yes.

What kind of decoy? Henry, do you remember how it felt when you thought that you were talking to your dad, but you were just talking to like a mannequin man version of him? Oh, that made me so gosh darn upset. I was so upset too in the cabin where I was just like, you made this meeting an email and it could have been a real meeting. And, um...

This meeting should have been a real meeting. Yeah, this email should have been a meeting. And I was thinking, what if we did that to them? You're right. Send out the mannequin homunculus versions of ourselves so that they can, you know, try to hurt them and to get all tired and stuff like that. But we're not even there. Wait a second. That's perfect. Mom, you said you can do homunculus stuff if you had to think about it for a while.

Yeah, it would probably take me a while. We don't need them to look that good if we can get them like in a vehicle. So here's the thing. So again, I had a lot of time to think in that bar. Glenn, I bet this incredible rock and roll bard. I mean, I guess rock and roll in this world, but I think you would like her. She was incredible, right? So here's the thing. Does she play bass? Because Hi, I'm Ron is looking for a fifth. She plays everything. Oh my gosh, she played an incredible bass. It was a live performance and she did all the instruments. Whoa.

And it's like a one man band. Yeah, she's incredible. I love the idea that it's like this bar and then it's just like this lady comes up with like a snare drum snap to her back with like pulleys and stuff. And it's just like a hurt between her knees. And it's just like Daryl's like, this is music. She was talking to Sweet Matilda and Sweet Matilda had this difficulty where Sweet Matilda's shipment got lost and she was like complaining. And this bar was like, hey,

Just tell me what you lost. I can bring it back. I got this incredible spell, Gate. And she pulled it back for Sweet Matilda because they were like such good friends. It was incredible. And I was like, wait, you're a bard? How did you learn that? And she said, well, at a certain point, you can just learn any spell. And I was like, that'd be great. You're saying that like somewhere around like, if you had to like put an ability score somewhere between 0 and 20 and somewhere around 18, you can get...

Two spells of any class? And you could get this spell, Glenn, and you could get the Odyssey back. I feel like I'm right on the verge. And we could have a safe minivan again, and this might be able to get us through the portal, and the kids will be safe. Wait a second. Daryl, if we've got a spell that can just open a portal back to our world, why don't we just go through it back to our world? But we need to bring the car back for it. Oh, I never think about that. I always just think about just getting the car back. You're very car-oriented. No, I think we just solve it. We just...

cast this spell and then we go back to our world. That's perfect. Henry, as you say that, you feel in your heart, as do Lark and Sparrow, an intense stabbing pain that causes you to double over. Oh my gosh. And Autumn goes, oh no, Henry, have some meat. Is that salmon I ate a couple days ago? Why did you throw it in my mouth, Daryl? And Autumn holds out her hand and she goes, no, no, no, the way this spell that you're talking about works is any deity that belongs to a particular plane can cancel it, essentially. It can stop you from moving forward. I know, well,

about that. They can stop people from moving through the gate if they want to, and it definitely seems like these gatekeepers, if you will, the doodler is definitely a god and a gatekeeper and doesn't want you to just walk back through the portal. Yeah, I already thought of that. Wait, but how much does the doodler care about our good friend Odiseasun? The doodler's going to be looking for us to leave. I don't know if he's going to be looking for someone to come from our world back here. As you say that, you feel no pain in your heart, so...

My gut's saying that's right. You know, guys, that's a little... A little probiotic joke. Do you need CPR? If you mean my cool person Ron friend, then yeah, I do need CPR. Okay. Wow. I'm really good at it, so yeah. Well, so Daryl, did you get the contact information of this bard? I feel like Daryl has a folded up guitar lessons flyer.

that says like can teach you like piano drums wizard spells sorcerer spells level 18 or better you know like or money back guarantee not cheating on your wife yeah she plays at the bar like every like what day is it today Tuesday she plays every Tuesday that's a weird she plays every other Tuesday every other Tuesday that's when the bar is the most hopping I bet she can teach you some great songs too not that you need them

Well, okay. So it sounds like, okay, if we're going to send Glenn to this cool bar to learn some guitar lessons and level up, we don't have that much time. What tunes do we want her to teach you? We were talking about decoy earlier. So maybe something we could do is if we make a decoy van and we've got the real van and we've got,

all of our homunculi people. Yeah, and we've got like sort of fake versions of us. Zoom, we send in the decoy van first. All of our dads are like, oh, it's them. And then they fire up all their top level spells at it. Yeah, and they get exhausted. Sort of like Blazing Saddles. Sort of, yes, exactly like that really fun movie Blazing Saddles that, you know, people say is probably

is problematic, but I think, you know, it's more problematic to say it's problematic because it's like the satire of that movie is like, unless you think not being racist is problematic, then maybe just think about that movie a little bit more. That's all I'm saying. The third type of Trojan, a Trojan horse. Yes, exactly. So we send in our Trojan horse van. I love that Ron is aware of that there's a second type of Trojan that's not the condom but doesn't link it to the horse. Yeah.

So we send in this van. We have them do cool donuts and maneuvers and drive around and let them burn their spells up. Then once they're tired out, we come in in the real van with Odyssey's on. Yeah, I like this. All right, so I'll spend...

This next period of time, getting some bard lessons here and leveling myself up. I'm going to talk to my dad, which seems like not like the most useful thing, but I appreciate that you guys are giving me the time to time to do that. What's your guys plan? What's the Ronster and the Henry? Oh, gosh. I didn't even think about what I'm doing. Well, I want to try to make some cool weapons and then improve on my

My sneakiness and my fight skills, which are already... Top tier, top tier, top tier. Maybe I can help my mom learn the craft of homunculus creation. Help speed that up? Maybe I can help speed that up, and at the same time, maybe I can help train these druids. You know, I'm a bit of a druid myself, and we got these Oakvalians. They need a little purpose, a little motivation. Maybe I can raise their level a bit while I'm at it, and they can learn some nifty spells to help protect...

the army of rampaging beasts when we attack the wall. I also think I could consult doctor, not me to give me some self soothing skills over the course of a few days.

Anthony, here's what we want to do. Glenn. Yes. So I want to go get rock lessons. I'm going to level up twice because as you said, where I'm getting help, that's going to be two roles per level. So that's four total climb action roles for me. And I'm going to go train under the master. Okay. Ron. I'm going to go to therapy. Good for you, Ron. I mean, you like that. Yeah. A great woman once told me via cell phone that all men need therapy. Yeah.

And then I'll be doing my own form. I mean, I'm going to talk to my dad. You're going to go talk to your dad. But then I was thinking, you were talking about weapons. Yeah. Maybe me and you, we can go and bring Walter into this. And I got some ideas for some weapons I need. Maybe we'll just spend the time to get some weapons made. We can spitball ideas like true businessmen. While we're making weapons, we can maybe think about the beer company I was employing. Yeah. This is fabulous that at level 15, I get...

slippery mind by the 15th level you have acquired greater mental strength you gain proficiency in wisdom saving throws wild there you go there you go I was literally about to be like I feel like Ron should get some sort of mental health bonus I mean like yeah we are naturally just making the levels work for our story while you guys are all doing that mom yeah

I'm thinking, why don't you and me, I can help you train and figure out this homunculus stuff. We can go through some of dad's old books. We can get it down pat and we can learn how to make some basic homunculi to distract them in the decoy van. That's a good idea. I think given the time we have, they're not going to be able to do very much. And we can put some like real dumb, dumb souls in them, like some spiders and stuff. Now, spiders are pretty smart. Moths. Moths are fucking dumb.

We only need them to drive the van towards the big light anyway. Towards the big light, perfect. Actually, that's perfect. Now that I said moths. And they take their cue this round. Yeah, they're flittering around. It's perfect. It'll actually be perfect. No, I like that idea a lot. Okay, so we'll do the moth van prophecies. Yay! Yay!

Inspiration for William Campos. Inspiration. Holy shit. So once we're done with that, we can train the rest of the Oakvale crew and we can get them to learn some druid skills. And I was also thinking like, maybe this would be a thing to rope my two beautiful boys into because I've always felt like they need more discipline and they need more structure. You know, Lark's got a lot of anger and frustration going on right now. And maybe like getting some basic training. Oh, you want to send them to boot camp? I mean,

I mean, not like, you know, I read a really disturbing article in ProPublica about boot camps back in our world. And I want it to be like that. This is Druid Boot Camp, where you learn the power of nature. And, you know, like I've done a little bit of training in my day. You know, like, you know, I train kids to like identify different types of rocks in the forest. And we do a bird banding course that's just terrific. So, you know, I'd like to train them a little bit. That sounds like a really good idea. And Larkin Sparrow, upon hearing that, go, training. Yes, training.

I will defeat you, brother. I will defeat you, brother. We're going to do like, like Kung Fu, like montage of us sparring and like plants and stuff are going to come out of my hand. You're going to jump over and climb up the plants that kick me in the face. And he's like, yes, I will. And they're both so excited. And that's exactly what happens. Ha ha ha.

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See store for details. First off, Ron, you haven't seen much of Erin lately. She's been in her little beach house that she built for herself. I guess, what do you like? Copying Ron. Yeah. What do you knock on a door or something like that? Hi, Erin. It's Ron, noted supporter of women and great...

So the door busts open and a cloud of multicolored magical dust sort of poofs out of there. And you see Aaron looking very haggard. And she's like, I've been trying to find and create some magical items for you and stuff. Sorry, it's been taking a lot of my time. That's why I haven't been around very much. But yeah, what do you... Well, that's great. I appreciate you. Yeah, no, I'm very convinced by that. You sound like a real ally. What do you want? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I want your help again. Oh, huge surprise. Okay, what is it? I was wondering if I could talk to that doctor. That doctor, not me. Oh, come in. Yeah, sure. Go ahead, come in. Okay. Should I close the door? Yeah, yeah, please close the door. As you come in, you see a bunch of magical implements like, you know,

it's like a tool shed, but for magic stuff. So you see little brooms and little cauldrons and, and hammers and chisels and pliers and all this kind of shit, like a full on arc welding torch. Yeah. Kind of. Yeah. You see a magical arc welding church. You see like a ring on the side and a big old dagger with a very sharp tip and an

amulet that's bleeding and what looks like a dictionary and all this kind of stuff. And she's like, yeah, yeah, I'm working on all that stuff. She goes, okay, yeah, go ahead and have a seat. Let me go get Dr. Not Me. Should I sit on the couch or like the chair? Whatever's most comfortable for you, I guess. It's not a comfortable situation is the issue. So as you're trying to figure out where to sit, she grabs a hair tie and puts her hair in a ponytail and puts on glasses and takes her hat off. No way. Oh my God. No way. No way.

And she puts on a cardigan. Yeah, she puts on a cardigan. And then she sits down and reaches out a hand to you and goes, hi, nice to meet you. My name is Dr. Not Me. What's your name again? No fucking way. I...

My name is Ron Stampler. Ron, I'm so happy that you came. Even going to therapy is a very important first step in acknowledging that you need help. So I'm so, so glad that you came. Everything you say between us is completely confidential. Aaron won't even know about it. Whoa. She winks. It's protected by hippo, which is like a big giant psychic hippo.

Yeah. Yeah. HIPAA is a giant sentient HIPAA that makes sure that anything said in therapy in the forgotten realm stays between the patient and their doctor. You won't even broadcast on a podcast or anything like that. No, not at all. Not at all. I'm actually like, this is all not me is sequestered away in a different part of my brain. So even Aaron won't know what's going on. Let's talk about your father. Well, that's kind of a big thing to get in right away. Okay. Let's talk about anything else. How are you feeling right now? Scare my dad. Okay. There we go.

All right. Perfection. Holy shit. Holy shit. And then we cut to Goliath walking into the Neverwinter. Sorry, kicking down the door. Okay, sure. Yeah, you kick open the tavern door and you see... No one at the counter, that's for sure. There's nobody at the counter because they're all sitting around listening to the sweet, sweet melodies of...

You see a sign that says GORGESS, G-O-R-E, capital J-E-S-S. And she is a one-woman band. She's got cymbals between her knees and a big old... Stare drum on the back. Yeah, stare drum on her back. Don't we all. She's got a harmonica thingy in front of her mouth and a mandolin. And she is playing the best slightly fantasy rendition of Yesterday by the Beatles that you've ever heard. Oh, gross. Just even...

And then she switches it into like Back in Black by ACDC. She's playing Runaway from Kanye. Okay, so she's doing Runaway from Kanye. The first part's very easy. Uh...

Fucking love it, dude. She finishes her set, I assume as you're grooving along or whatever, and she goes, Hey, that was pretty good. Oh, thanks. Thanks for coming to the show. Do you want to take me up on the musical? I see that you got a flyer. I do have one of the flyers. Oh, you do have a flyer. Hey. Hey. Hey. So, uh...

So who fucking, all these late game love interests showed up out of nowhere. So she like, she puts an elbow on the bar. She's like, so what do you, what do you play? You know, I play pretty much anything with strings on it. You know what I'm saying? Also spin the wheels of steel. Oh, the wheels of steel, huh? Not bad, not bad.

Not really playing the music there. Yeah, to tell you the truth, I'm not even much of a DJ myself. I prefer to go a little unplugged as you've seen here. But maybe we could teach each other a little something. A little skillet change. A little skillet change. A little tit for tat. You know what I mean? You know what I think? I think we're going to make some beautiful music together. All right, let's give this a shot. And then you get a room together and you don't train, you just fart. Ha ha ha!

He's learning nothing. And levels up. So what did you do with your Climaxions? You take 20 points of damage. Climaxed it? Certainly. He didn't have to learn music. He took the level up. Climaxions, baby. Climax. He will actually learn the things, but you also definitely fuck. Ah, yeah. Love it. So we transition to... Fuck, do you have such a cool system? Yeah.

So we transition to Henry and the Oakvallians or Henry and his mother, whichever you would like to do. I'll start with Henry and his mom. Okay, so Henry and his mom, they are looking over a bunch of old books that Autumn had managed to steal from Barry's home and they're pouring through them and

Autumn is, she's got like a big, it's like Play-Doh basically, this big like gelatinous like form that she's trying to like shape into a person or whatever and it's not shaping quite right and she seems calm and stuff until the shape dissipates in front of her and just collapses like Darkman's mask and she gets like, whoa, fuck it, I know, I'm amazed I said it too and she gets fucking furious and she starts pounding on the table. She's like, I can't fucking do anything. This is fucking awful.

Hey, mom. What? Yes. I'm sorry. Let's take a minute. I'm sorry. My fucking my. No, you don't got to be sorry. My temper can get ahead of me and it's just fuck. I just have so much fucking anger. Let's take a minute, mom. Let's just go. Let's go. Let's have some water. How about that? Yeah, let's get a drink of water. So Henry goes over and he pours two glasses of water and he says, hey, mom, just make mine a double. Make you. Hey, I like that. Do you know? I always wanted. Do you like what's your favorite type of water? Oh, for me?

Gotta be room temperature. I know, right? Room temperature water. You like room temperature water. The other one, they said I was weird. They're wrong. When I've had a really tough day, I like zapping it and putting a couple ice cubes in there. Now, I know it sounds out there, mom. I thought you were just zapping, like heating it up. I was like, whoa, that's some new technology. I know it sounds out there, mom, but try it with a couple of ice cubes. And then I cast like a fucking frost spell or whatever to put some ice cubes in there and I hand it to her. So she drinks it and her...

her pupils dilate and the camera zooms in as the galaxy explodes inside of her mind. She goes,

Son, you just changed the whole goddamn game. You're really hard on yourself. It's just something I've noticed about you. I know you probably have some guilt, maybe. I don't want to presume from our childhood. And it just seems like... I hear you say this stuff. I didn't raise him. I didn't do that. But I want you to know that you did. And dad was really... I didn't get along great with dad. And we didn't get along that well that much. But I always knew you were a good person. And I knew that you were dealing with him too. And...

I saw what my friend Ron went through with his dad and his mom. It wasn't as extreme, but it reminded me a little bit of us. And I think seeing that now, like I realized how hard it must have been for you and how hard it must have been for you to let yourself love anybody because it would just open you up to so much vulnerability to get hurt. So I want you to know.

that whatever happened in the past, I am so happy that we are getting this time now. And I love you and I forgive you for whatever guilt you feel. I just want you to know that it's okay.

And, you know, we're here together now. And what you are doing now, it means everything to me. So I just want you to know that I appreciate it. And I know you must be feeling a lot of pressure to get this right with the spell. And we're going to get there. We're going to get there together. And I just want you to know I love you. So as you say that, she sort of looks down in her glass and is sort of swirling the ice cubes around. And she goes, I'll make you a deal. I don't.

really believe a lot of the things you said, because I can't let myself believe those things. Because if I'm not hard on myself, who else is going to be? But I'll try really hard to trust that you're right and that I'm wrong and that I believe you. If you'll also promise that you can be less hard on yourself as well. Because I see some of the anger that I have. And I see some of the anger that Barry gave me. And I see that you've got that too. And when I look at you in those moments, I think...

That is my boy. And I'm worried that maybe you got some of the worst stuff for me. And I don't know, mom. Well, I'll believe that you got some of the good stuff from me. I feel like I really fucked up with my sons. Oh, hey, come on. That's that's that's not your fault. Larkin hates me at Sparrow. Like, God help you. I love it. But he's he's doing his best, but he's just as hurt. And I feel like I didn't raise him right because I was so scared of yelling at him. I was so scared of getting angry at him that I don't I don't know. I don't know.

Hey, you know what you're doing? You know what you're doing that I didn't do as much as I wanted to and that Barry could never do? You're being there for him. And sometimes I think maybe that's the best you can do. And Lark and Sparrow are on a path. And sometimes I wonder, you know, how much of being a parent is determining what path that is and how much of it is just helping them accept the path that they're on. And I think Lark's angry at you now, but I know that'll pass. He's a young boy and young boys get angry and...

stay angry forever sometimes, but probably not in this case because you're a very, you're a kind father. And even they can tell that even as, as wild as they are, they understand what you're trying to do, even if they don't know, they understand it yet, you know? And I just, I want you to forgive yourself because nobody else can. It's gotta be you. I can, I can forgive you for you, but that's not going to mean as much as you knowing. Cause I, I think you're one of the best dads I've ever met. I mean, my, my bar is on the highest. I met your father, but you love Larkin Sparrow.

In a way that I think most people on earth would not be physically capable of doing your patience with them is I wish I could bottle that and sell it. And they love you. Even Lark, even whatever he's going through right now, even when he's angry, there's still something in them that knows how much you love them. And they just maybe they don't see it right now. But that's part of growing up, right, is understanding that I didn't even understand our relationship until I saw you. And Jesus, how old am I now?

I don't know if that's all blurry to me, but you look great. Oh, I know. So, by the way, has Ron said anything about me? Ron has not said anything about you, mom. I think you need to let that one go. All right. But I will, like you said, you know, I don't know if I believe it right now, but I'll try if you try. And why don't we get back in there? I'll do my best. And then we'll cut to Daryl hanging out with Peyton and Frank. He's just looking at Frank. So you got to.

You're going to say anything or are you going to keep going? I was just, I don't know. So Carol, right? That sounds like there's some rough stuff going on with Carol. Yeah. I mean, there's, I mean, yeah, we can talk about me first. Is there anything you want to, I mean, I don't know. You have any questions about like anything else before we talk about, about me. So you don't want to, I don't know if this is going to be relevant to you, but I never got the chance to tell you this and I feel like it would have helped. So there was a time when I was at the office and,

It was at a party. There was a coworker. It was somebody I worked with. Her name was Melanie. She was a real sweet person. She was married. Her husband knew her husband, friends with her husband, great guy.

And Melanie and I had always had a really good, strong friendship. We were just good office buddies. You know, I'd come out of a meeting or come out of something that really got my dander up. I'd go talk to Melanie. Same for Melanie. Back to me. One day she was having a hard time with her husband. And this was a time where your mother and I always tried to keep it from you. But we had moments where things were things were tough. Things are marriage is never always going to be sunshine and roses and wine. And there was a moment when I came into her office where we got real close.

Real close to kissing. What? And it was only because a phone rang, like from a movie or something, that we sort of stopped and we saw ourselves. And I didn't. I didn't do it. But I know, I know deep in my heart that if that phone hadn't rung, I would have done something I regretted. And...

I don't want to think that that defines who I am as a husband, me in my worst moment. I can't, you know, speak exactly to what you're going through with Carol because I don't know all the details yet. But I do know that sometimes things are hard and sometimes you say things, you do things that shouldn't define who you are, the relationships you have with other people. But more than anything, more than any of the specific stuff about Carol, I want you to know that nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes.

Mistakes are the point. If you don't make a mistake, you can't possibly learn. Honestly, after I had that moment with Melody, I went back and I looked at your mother and

and realized what i'd been taking for granted and i was grateful for that moment of weakness and i don't know what you two are going through as a moment of weakness or if it's something that's you know maybe because also sometimes you know uh people just fall out of love and that happens i don't know i don't know but yeah that's incredible i mean look at that like you just said your worst moment was like what you almost like kissed somebody yeah but i would have i know more

And let me tell you, she would have loved it. I know, Peyton. I know. Hang in there. Personally, I might not even have gotten there, but the big matters to me is that she would have. And that's how I get satisfied. That's what I mean. That's just like, I mean, you're not perfect. Like, nobody's perfect, but like, you're such a good...

I mean, there's a reason why, I mean, mom, I mean, mom loved you so much. We all loved you so much. Casey loved you so much. I loved you so much. There's just so much, so much love that like, even, even then, like the first thing you're just here to ask about me and your worst moment is such a, just like the smallest little, I mean, you were just weak for a second. And then of course, like you probably blamed yourself for what have you done? That's so terrible. That's justified all this, this sadness. Where's my little dare bear? Oh boy. Oh God.

I don't know, Dad. It's just like my family didn't... They're not...

I don't know. I just look at how happy we were, how happy you made mom and me. And it's just, the family's never been able to be that way. Like I've just never been able to get it. Do you know how miserable your mother was for many years for, for a long time? She actually hid it from me and she, she tricked me into believing everything was okay too, but she was doing all the housework. And there was that brief period of time where she had to take on a second job and she was, she was waitressing as well. And she,

Every once in a while, I'd ask her, hey, are you doing okay? And she'd just say, yep, because she wanted to put on a brave face for everybody because she thought it was the most important thing to make sure that things were as frictionless as possible. But she was suffering. She was having a really hard time. And if you think me almost kissing somebody is scandalous, I mean, your mother, I don't want to, your mother, we all had made mistakes and stuff like that. We've all forgiven each other. These things happen. Look, the childhood that you grew up with, your mother and I loved you every bit as much as we said we did.

But were we as happy and calm and were things as stable as we always wanted you to think? Absolutely not. You remember when we used to call it going picnicking and we would we'd all get under the table and we'd put a blanket over the table and we would say, oh, we're going picnicking. We're going to eat ketchup sandwiches. We would put ketchup on bread and just eat the bread together. And it was like our fun little treat that we did every once in a while. That was because some days we didn't have enough money to make you real dinner.

And we just had to work really hard so that you and your sister didn't know that. And how much of parenting is convincing your kids that things are less terrifying than they are? I don't know. How much of being in a marriage is communicating openly about where you're really at? I think probably more of it than your mother and I thought. But we tried and we stuck it out. We made things work together. But also, I wouldn't have blamed her for wanting to leave either because I wasn't always it was much easier for me to believe that we were leaving the Leave it to Beaver life.

And we had moments where that was the case. But I think just as often, things are hard. Things are always going to be hard. Honestly, the fact that you could say that you came away from that childhood thinking that everything was great.

means that i did a pretty good job but also you know by the way say the clause is not real no i know i hate to bring it to you this late honestly that's the only thing i thought it took a long time for me to figure that one out i wish you could have saved me some embarrassment yeah no i probably should i should have ripped that band-aid off a little bit earlier but boy i'm sorry it was a very embarrassing senior prom for me oh my god that's i mean even just the more you tell me about the things that were wrong that but again we'd never felt that like i just felt

I don't know. It just seems like, it seems like even when things are good with my family, like Grant doesn't feel like they're good or like Carol doesn't feel like they're good or I don't feel like they're good. Whereas when things were hard for you, like your family felt great. Like I felt happy. Like my childhood was so good because of you dad. And I don't know why Grant doesn't feel that way, even though I try, or I don't know why Carol doesn't feel that way, even though I try. Daryl, let me, let me ask you something. So when I was growing up,

There were sort of only two options for how bad it could be. You were either tough or you were weak. You were happy or you were sad. It was very simple. And honestly, I, you know, as Frank, I went through my life thinking things were more or less that simple. You nutted up and you did what you had to do. But being pained and seeing the way that getting the shit kicked out of me every single day had an effect on my mind and my sense of self and my psyche. And then especially seeing Ron and seeing all the things that Ron has been going through. I think maybe...

I was being oversimplistic. And I think when I look at Grant, I see all the things that Grant's going through. And when I hear about what Carol's going through, you know, your mother and I, we never went to therapy at any point. I never, I thought that's for, that's for crazy people or that's for, you know, hysterical women who are very problematic. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There's only so woke I could be. But you grew up in a different time, dad, a different time. But when I look at Grant,

What he's dealing with, it's not something that you can solve just by loving him a lot. As much as you want it to be something that is entirely solvable by your own gumption and that you can pull your bootstraps up so high that they'll protect everybody. I think it's okay to acknowledge that

Everyone has problems and we need to work through them together. It's not a failure on your part. Any more than if your son had a broken leg because someone had fell. It's not your fault for being unable to set it and fix it. When I got cancer, you didn't blame yourself for me getting cancer, did you? A little bit. Well, you shouldn't have, son. It's not your fault. These things... Life is a lot of...

Wonderful things happening and a lot of terrible things happening. And we have to help each other through the terrible times and not blame ourselves for them any more than you would blame yourself for getting hit by a raindrop. Your son and your wife and you, it's okay to feel bad. It's not okay to blame yourself for feeling bad.

It's not okay to treat it as an affront that you have made or a fault, a personal fault. If I had been born in your generation, I honestly think I would have been a better father to you. I think I didn't teach you the emotional dexterity that of all fucking people, Ron has. Like, I wish that I honestly, I had been a little bit more like Ron or Henry in raising you because I think that might be what

you need i think it might be what your son needs i think it might be what your wife needs i don't know dad you're doing a good job now too i'm fucking killing it now but like i miss you as well i miss you so much and i miss you too you always you always did such a good job of making me feel good and it's hey i just haven't felt that good so i'm sorry you haven't felt good hey it's okay and and i mean it's not it's not anything it's just it's a thing i'm just happy i'm

it's gonna be hard when you're when you're gone again but i just i don't know i think just right now i just want you to know and maybe you already know it's like casey is doing great i mean mom loved you so much i think you would like she she remarried this guy named dan a couple years ago finally i'm not gonna kick his ass i hope she's happy i'm not gonna oh yeah no she is we had to kind of push her into it like and um he's he's once you go frank you never go bank

And that's what, let's go Frank and never go bank. I mean, it's got a rhyme. I'm not going to say back. I mean, it's nice to know that you're not perfect as I'm hearing these sort of things that you're saying. No, not even. You're right. I can't be perfect, but I don't know. I'm just happy that you're here and you are making me feel a little better at whether or not that's the point right now. But I miss you dad. So I'm glad you're here and we got to, we got to get home. I got to get, I got to get my son home at the end of the day. That's what I have to do. That's what we have to do. So yes, I appreciate it. Of course. Anytime. And,

You're doing okay. I just want you to know you're doing okay. You don't have to be doing fantastic all the time, but you're definitely not doing horrible. It's okay to just be okay. It's okay to have stuff you're working on. And I know you're going to work on it. I appreciate that. I love you, dad. I love you too. I'm going to go get some weapons with Ron now. Yeah, let's go make some fucking knives. Hey, Walter, what's up? We got to make some knives. Daryl and Peyton Frank head up to Walter. Is this around the time, I guess, that Ron is finishing his therapy session? Yeah, they're wearing their weapons with Ron. Yeah. Sorry.

um sorry oh wow um okay yeah i think ron's um ron's wrapping up with the i think ron uh daryl's coming out of the forest like the teary eyes and then ron's coming out hey how's it going ron um it's going you want to make i gotta get i gotta make some weapons i don't know if you want to make some weapons

Sometimes I feel like my emotions are the weapons. Daryl runs to Ron and hugs Ron. Ron hugs Daryl. And just starts crying. Henry comes out of the forest and sees Ron and Daryl crying and just starts crying too and runs up and hugs them both. What are we crying about? I'm in. Whatever.

it is I'm in we're crying about the weapons we're just gonna make Glenn struts it after having a marathon sex session and he goes hey guys good news I fuck so much that I can no longer be killed in one shot oh my god holy shit it'll be alright cause that's just life and if you die it'll be alright

It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright You might, cause that's just life All you do is try and it'll be alright

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stample and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Additional voice by Amanda Shuckman in the intro. Theme song is All Right by Maxson Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ells provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks to all of our patrons, but especially this week.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Stay tuned by following our Twitter at Dungeons and Dads. If you want to see the first live show we did on Father's Day this year, you can find that at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads, along with two full mini campaigns, one of which at the Mountains of Dadness gives you a little bit of a deeper insight in these episodes happening right now. And the other one, Star Wars All That Jizz, is just a horny mess in the Star Wars universe.

These are available to anybody who pledges at any level, so check out patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Five bucks a month. You can get so much stuff. Website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit, dungeonsanddaddies. Our next episode, September 7th. We will see you then. There was a time when you didn't know they never brought you

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