Ep. 66 - Fender Glennder
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This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.

So first, call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee with your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 in order. Additional terms apply. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that was really good. I'm just thirsty. Gotta get some fluids in me. Quality lovemaking, Glenn. Oh, boy. Totally agree. I just realized the only sound has been our wet, sloppy lovemaking and just the flesh hitting flesh. You want to listen to some music? Oh, yeah. We should probably put some tunes on. Yeah, let me click on the fantasy radio here. Listen to this short ad...

Oh, ads. Sorry, I really need to subscribe. It's like five bucks a month. I have no excuse. For no ads, that's very reasonable. Are you scared of therapy? Do you think it might be too expensive or it might make you too vulnerable or you're a man? Well, I'm Dr. Not Me and I'm here to make therapy a lot less scary. You don't need to get therapy from your weird old mom who murders people with knitting needles. You especially shouldn't get it from your son slash father who is 65 slash dead slash in an eight-year-old's body.

Instead, book an appointment with me, Dr. Not Me. I'm a licensed therapist who lives inside the subconscious of a soulless math witch slash garden witch. If you want to book an appointment, just pick up the nearest leaf or whisper into a tree. That's crazy. I think I know her. You just heard an ad. Now, here's another one. Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, come on.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads flung into a realm of high fantasy and magic to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact, Glenn...

Okay, so you know, you know, is it Sting? That was the biggest laugh yet, I think. That was the biggest Freddy laughing at Freddy laugh. You know Sting? And how Sting is like, I know how to engage in tantric sex for hours. My mother's husband, Sting, she wishes. I can't operate on this patient. I'm Sting.

Glenn likes to think that he too has that power. He does not. Oh, God. What does he think is happening if he thinks he has the power and he doesn't? How does he still think he has the power? Glenn's like, yeah, 34 seconds. That's a lot. A lot of men think that they have

the power in a lot of things that aren't even tantric sex when they don't. I can tell the difference between real tantric sex and fake tantric sex. Okay. I'm just saying most women, I'm doing a Harry Metz. Most women fake their tantric sex. Thank you. Hey, everybody. Yeah, Daryl Wilson doesn't even know what you're talking about. Hi, everybody. This is Daryl Wilson. Daryl Wilson. This is hi. Oh, he's here. He came up again. Hey, Daryl. How's it going? Hey. Hey, everybody. You cry one time playing your character.

Hey, everybody. This is Matthew Arnold, who plays Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this magical world of whimsy and dragons and danger. Quick dad fact, the penultimate sin, envy. This one's pretty straightforward. You could probably guess it. He's pretty envious of everything Darnell. This is a specific moment. I don't think this is the thing he's most envious of, but it's kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back.

is they met each other both of them had just been doing some shopping at the grocery store and they were putting their groceries in the back of the car and daryl got a good look at the fucking bag game of darnell how clean he's like he's like oh hey who's uh who's bag boy did that and darren was like no i packed of course i packed these bags myself i put them away just tetris level just flawless if you have any regards in the trunk oh yeah i thought you said back a

game back no I mean he's got a strong back his bags were packed so perfectly no little like flap from the bread flopping out or anything like that just flawless backpack I guess I'm the only one who cares about packing bags here but I'm just saying that the way those grocery store bags are packed were perfect and there was like I fucking I hate myself I'm garbage compared to Darnell of course plastic I mean sorry I meant of course paper

Horse paper. Secondary fact, he hates the environment. He specifically throws out the little can holders without cutting them. Horse paper bags. Those poor dolphins. Yeah, he ties them together so he gets 12 little turtles. He makes his own nets. He just goes down a little lake. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the Birkenstock Rocket and Crunchy Munchy Hippie Nature Druid Dad of the Dads.

My dad fact today, so this is our first bang bang. Speak for yourself. This is our first doubled up episode of Dungeons and Daddies because we just recorded the previous episode you just heard. We're going right back in. So I'm going to talk about the first and only time Henry did a bang bang, which is where you eat two meals, one right after the other. And so the first meal was...

At home, they had a ton of wild rice because they had a bunch left over in the fridge. And he was like, it's going to go bad if no one eats it. He made it, and the kids didn't really like it. So before they went out, he just was like, I'm just going to scarf this down, scarf down a big bowl of wild rice. But then, right after that, Mercedes was like, it's our anniversary. Are we going out for dinner? And he's like, you bet your bottom dollar we are. And I definitely didn't eat just a whole bunch of rice. So then they went out to an incredibly expensive restaurant where

with one of those 12 courses of experimental avant-garde food, and he was just sweating bullets and suffering all the way through it, never again. Where you can't take it to go. You can't. Yeah, it's like an egg, and there's weird stuff in the egg. It had a name like foyer or something like that.

It probably started off and he's like, oh, perfect. Like, look at these little tiny plates. Why is this the 15th one? And they kept coming and then they kept on going. Hello, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and recent graduate of therapy. What if you could just graduate from therapy and you're done forever? Get like a little diploma. A certificate. A little certificate. Therapists would make less money, that's for sure. Yeah. I wonder why they don't graduate from therapy. Yeah.

It's all employed by big therapy. You don't understand. College is a process. You got to be here until you're done working on yourself, which will never end. So you're just in college forever. I mean, like, yeah, but you accept that. Yeah. That's the thing. If I'm talking about Ron this week, Ron is lactose intolerant. I almost made that my end result. Which doesn't mean he doesn't drink milk or whatever. It's just he has some pretty upsetting views about cows. Yeah.

Henry hates horses. Ron hates cows. Love it. Fun fact about that this week.

It's been a rough road between this last episode and this episode. Yes, we're recording them back to back, but there was some lunch in between. There was some lunch and some mango sticky rice. I'd never had it before. We had delicious Thai food. Fun fact about mango sticky rice, it's got milk in it. It's got milk in it. Fun fact about Beth, I'm pretty allergic to dairy and 20 minutes has been...

Pretty rough. You know, I'm in and out. Making a Constitution saving throw. Yes, yes. Hey, it's Anthony.

It's Anthony B, your dad. Sorry, I can't be at the phone right now. I should be like, hey, what's up? Oh, man, that's crazy. No, I'm just kidding. You got my voicemail. There's a beep. I don't really have a fact in the last half hour that didn't exist before. Out of all the dice, which one's your favorite? Oh, wow. Well, I was literally just looking at this. Somebody sent us some dice, some custom dice for our characters. And mine were all scam likely themed. And they have little iPhones on them. And I was checking out. I'm like, oh, these are so cute. And I looked at the D20 and there was like a...

piece of paper in there or something and I was like what the fuck is that and it's a little like almost like a fortune cookie slip and it just says always be scamming it's very cool I meant like d20 da d12 you said I was ignoring it in favor of thanking one of our fans and obviously da because the ass ass yeah

So last episode, just a lot of feelings. A lot of feelings in that last episode, eh? Just a bunch of people hung out with therapeutic NPCs of varying degrees of quality. Glenn got some of his own therapy. Yeah, Glenn got some fucking massage therapy. But we didn't actually get to hear the therapy session between Ron and Dr. Not Me. So before we find out what happened after you all came back together after your therapy, let's go ahead and jump back to Ron and Not Me in Aaron's house. So Ron is already using like a bunch of like dumb therapy speech. Like, like,

Yeah, I've been holding space for a lot of these thoughts. Feelings aren't facts. I feel like no matter what, I'm always going to see him in the mirror or something. All of what I am. Sometimes it feels like it's because of him. And sometimes it feels like...

There's something inside me that's... It's not like, you know, it's not a cool doodler demon like Henry has, but it feels like something similar where everything that I do, I can't escape him and...

I have every reason to hate him. I know. Cause you know, we've been in this therapy session for a half hour and trying to wrap up. And you've said, you said a lot of cool things that made me sort of realize that I don't need him and that it's okay to sort of distance myself from him and to move on and stuff like that. And then sometimes at night I think about what if he said that he was proud of me or what if he said that he did love me? And, uh,

Then I get so scared knowing that I'll never hear it from him. And I get so scared that I'll never be able to give that to somebody else. And I'm so scared that these people that I do love, that I'll hurt them. I think you could give yourself a break.

I think you're very beloved by this group of, frankly, very stupid people whose judgment is suspect. I'm sorry. No, I totally understand. But I think they care about you a lot. And I think Terry Jr. cares about you a lot. It's sort of like just kind of being okay with the love that I'm getting from other people. I think, you know, when...

When you're related to somebody, when somebody's your family, like blood family, you think, well, that's kind of guaranteed love right there. You check off that box. And then when it doesn't happen, you think, oh, there's something wrong with you. You know, just sort of almost down to your genetics or whatever. I think if I...

As a stepfather, it is my duty to step up outside of my genetic timeline and give love to people that I'm not related to. It's just love isn't guaranteed. Doesn't that make it more valuable that you have so much of it? Whoa. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

So anyway, same time next week. Everybody cried except for Glenn who nutted. And now you're all back. Well, we don't know what. Yeah, you don't know what goes on in the. OK, fair enough. Glenn at minimum. Well, maybe he didn't. Maybe he's just very giving. I think Glenn cries when he makes love. That's what I think. That's sad. Glenn, you leveled up twice. So that's 48 worth of time. And I'm going to say everyone else's actions last episode took place during that same span of time.

and then a seven and then a four and then a six. So basically you're in a position where I had written out like 12 potential upgrades that the baddies could get. Right now they have all of them. Oh my God. I literally have to start writing more upgrades that they could get. Oh my God, wait, so what more can they do? I'll come up with stuff. Oh God. Oh, jeepers creepers. Oh, you don't have to do that. If you keep doing stuff, I will find other things that they can do. So now everybody's back at the beach at your little stronghold.

what would you like to do next? Perception check is a high tide or low tide? It's low tide. You guys want to like dig for clams? Oh, I mean, we got to, it's, no, no, Glenn, I don't. We got to get out of here. Let's get the van. That's what you did. We all got our stuff. Do you think you can whip up

up a fake van and a real van for us? What all happened to you, by the way? Are you all primed up? You've got this glow about you. How did the lessons go? Let's just say that I learned a couple of things. Did you learn how to get our van back? Yes. Did you learn how to make a fake van? Yes. Well, I think, you know, we should do that. Yeah, let's do that. All right. So step one, figure

Fake van. All right. Glenn's going to cast true polymorph, and he's going to cast true polymorph on, I guess, what were we going to say? A clam. Yeah, a clam. A clam. That's what I was thinking for clams. You want to turn a small clam into a very large fake. True polymorph chooses one creature or non-magical object I can see within range. I transform that creature into a different creature. Or an object. Or an object.

And, uh, yeah. Okay, sure. So a clam in front of you takes the form of the Honda Odyssey with the word Shinji on the side. And I say, oh, yeah. All right, real quick. I need to take a long rest before I can cast this next ninth level spell. Okay, so this is part of our plan to put the homunculus bodies that are us into the fake van and then we're going to send it out. But before we do that...

We can get some practice in with our kids with the student driver version of the Odyssey song. Wait, are we trying to teach the kids how to drive? Why not? I mean, I guess we can. We haven't really talked yet about what the kids are going to do during all of this. I mean, obviously, we've got to get them across the border.

I mean, I kind of figured that's why I wanted to get the van back because I figured, well, we got a lot of fighting going on. I want the kids to help, but I want them also safe. So I figured the Odyssey would be the safest place. But you're right. We're not going to be in the van when the kids should probably drive the van. Oh, I see. So what you're saying is, well, you've got the decoy van running around. This thing looks great, by the way, Glenn. I mean, this thing looks exactly like the Honda Odyssey. Wait, does it work like the Honda Odyssey? I would assume so, right? Because it's, yes, polymorphed. It is polymorphed into a perfect facsimile of a Honda Odyssey without anime sentience.

Let me check. Daryl sits in. He goes, I mean, it's technically the same. It feels a little different. But I mean, Daryl takes the keys already in the ignition. He just does it start. Yeah. Yeah, it works. Oh, wow. Jesus, Glenn. What did you do? Oh, it was a wet and wild weekend. Let me tell you. OK, well, tell us. No, that's OK.

There's some things a gentleman never speaks about. Oh, okay. It's just like a lot. Like you just came back. You know, anything that has to do with matters of the heart. Sounds like you need to go therapy. I put my heart out there for four.

45 minutes. I did a little pouring myself. Was it for 45 minutes? It felt like 45 minutes. Or like 45 seconds. Guys, I think maybe our good friend Glenn made love.

And we should just, you know, respect his privacy around that. Okay, okay. Glenn, did you have sexual relations with somebody? And he holds his hand up for a high five. Do you want us to high five you over that? Is that what you want? Like, you know, if it was, you know, an emotionally good thing for you to do, I support you and I give him a hug. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Did you imagine that energy? How much better like relationships between men would be if it's like, hey, yeah, bro. It's like I just got laid. Instead of people giving high fives, they just hugged each other. Good for you. That's wonderful. Okay. Well, no, that's good, Glenn. Okay. So. Hey, Daryl, thanks for the tip. Haha.

Oh, okay. I didn't know I was responsible for this. Great. Look, we got this car. This is awesome. We're going to use this thing with a polymorph. I like the distraction thing. Let's bring the kids in here. I really want like... Yeah, because essentially what we're saying is this thing's going to zoom around. Yes. Our dad's going to be firing at it, wasting all their spells, and then we're going to swoop in, but we've got the kids protected in the van, and they make a beeline through the portal. So you're right. We got to teach them how to drive.

And it seems a little young, but like in some states, like kids young as 13, like dad, you probably like when you worked on like the farm and stuff when you're really young, you probably like learn to drive a tractor when you're like 12 or 13. Oh, yeah. I got squirted out of the womb right into the driver's seat pretty much.

Sounds like Peyton, but that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. That's the point. That's great. Okay, so yeah, let's... I mean, I don't know. It comes so soon. Like, one moment your kids are just walking, then it's time to teach them to drive. I remember when I taught you how to drive. I do. Oh, what was... I have to know what little Daryl was like, Frank. Cut to flashback. Frank and Daryl. All right, son. So what you want to do is... I know stick seems scary, but it's actually the best way to control your car. So you're going to put your foot down on the clutch. Okay.

All right. Is this the clutch? That is the brake. That's good. Okay. All right. That's the clutch. Okay. You're going to ease it into first gear. I just want to watch you do it. Daryl just gets up and goes to the passenger seat. And then he just spends all day driving you around because you're too anxious. Let's go get ice cream. Yeah, I never learned to drive stick. All right.

Actually, weirdly enough, I actually didn't, you know, in our neighborhood, I didn't do a lot of driving. I actually didn't learn to drive till I was like 32. Whoa. Really? Wow. No kidding. I learned how to drive till I was about 27, 20 years old. That, of course, is because I came from here, you know. I learned how to drive a horse when I was a kid. I don't know if you call it driving a horse. No, I don't think so. That's what we call it here in the Forgotten Realms. We call it driving a horse. I learned how to drive when I was 11. What? Really? Oh, is this going to be sad, though? Ooh, that tracks for you.

don't know what you're talking about. I used to drive everywhere. Wow. Ron, that sounds like you might be the best teacher for these kids. Yeah, maybe, because it sounds like Ron probably knows. I can drive now. But it sounds like Ron knows a thing or two about what it was like to learn to drive as a kid, which I don't, and you don't, and I'm going to assume Glenn doesn't.

Okay. But when did you learn how to drive? I learned how to drive when I was 15. I got a learner's permit and I couldn't drive my friends around for a while because I had the learner's permit. And then I got into my game 16, I got the full driver's license. Yep, just a straight, boring story. Just the normal way that people learn

to drive. It was like a reverse joke where it was three punchlines. It's a rule of three, but it was three punchlines and then the normal thing. Yeah. Kiddos, everyone. Kids, everyone. All the kids come running. They go, what's up? What's up? With Pep and their staff because I feel like kids know when a car is around. So kids can sense when a car is around. Kids, as you can see. Us dads have all decided. We've all decided it's time for all of you to learn how to drive. Yay!

The kids explode in joy, like Lark and Sparrow high-fiving each other. Hey, this is a serious responsibility, children. Not only are you learning to drive a very dangerous vehicle, but let's be real here. This isn't learning to drive because you're going to school or you're going to the mall. You're learning to drive because we're in a gosh darn life or death situation. That's very true. And we gotta survive this. Grant goes, kids don't go to the malls anymore, too. Here in Faerun, before you learn how to ride a horse, we make you watch a play called Red Cobblestone. Oh my god. It is...

It's about all the horrible things that can happen to you. If you're hot dogging on that horse. And I don't have a way to show you that play right now, but let's just say that cobblestones red because people fall off of horses and hit their heads and bleed on it. Dope.

No, it's not. Who said that? That was definitely Lark or Sparrow. Boys, it's not dope. Is it dope if you do a crazy flip off of a horse and you face plant on the ground and your head explodes? Is that what you call dope? I have bad news for you, folks.

In the dictionary, next to the word dope is a picture of what you just said. Well, I'm sure we'll be fine. We'll be fine. I'm with your kids on this one. That sounds pretty dope. Well, it doesn't sound dope to me to be dead, which is what you could be if you goof off while driving a car. Right, Daryl? Yes. Listen to Henry, everybody. Right. Yeah. So Terry is like, I think I could. Do we all need to drink?

So I think our goal is that we want all the kids to have the best flexibility in the final battle to have all the kids be able to drive because I think we're going to treat the kids as like a unit together. You mean if like one of them dies? But then if only some of them can drive then obviously that would cause complications for them in the battle. Here's what I think we do. I think we teach all the kids as a group and then we all have them take a driving test.

Whoever does the best on the driving test is going to get to drive the van in the final battle. I just think we need all the kids to learn to drive because, you know, we don't know what's going to happen. Like, I'm sure Grant's going to be fine. But like, if, you know, Mark dies or something in the battle. What the fuck, Daryl? I'm just saying, if it happens, this is a real surprise.

This is a real situation. Why do you got to use my kid as an example? You're right. Let's say it was Terry dies. No. You got two kids. Let's say Sparrow dies. We just want to make sure that Lark can still drive so that they're not stuck in the middle of battle and then they all die. I'm just saying we want to teach all of our kids to drive. God, it would be really sad if Sparrow dies because Lark doesn't even... Stop talking about my kids dying. Sorry, sorry. You're right. I don't want any of the kids to die. I'm just saying that you're all going to drive so that they're all... They can help each other because they're going to be in this battle too. That's all I'm saying. Yes, that's very true. I could die too.

And if he dies, I just want to make sure that your kids can still get out of there, okay? It's going to be okay. We're going to teach them all really well how to drive this minivan. But yeah, whoever does the best job will be the lead driver and hopefully they don't die. Oh yeah, we can get Walter to tune it up. Oh yeah, like Rogue Warrior style. We can get some cool armor on that and stuff. And plus, you know, Odyssey-san's going to be there. She's going to be protecting

Yeah, real, real Odyssey song. Yeah, real Odyssey song, not this garbage one. Hey, Glenn. Okay. I'm just saying it doesn't feel like it's on my car. Glenn, our friend Glenn did a really good job. No, he did a good job. I'm just saying it's not on my car. Glenn's kind of going through some stuff right now. He is going through some stuff. So just like, can you ease up on Glenn a little bit? You see Glenn a distance away, like making very lewd hand gestures to the rat and describing what was going on. And the rat's covering its eyes going, squeak, squeak, squeak. Speaking of, guys, like, I don't know.

I'm a little worried about Glenn. I think after we do this driver thing, we should... I think the three of us need to talk to Glenn. Do you think we should talk to Glenn? Should we sit down with Glenn? We should talk to him. I feel like this is going to be really hard for him because it's like, this is kind of a coming of age for our boys. And like, you know, his boy's off in hell with a demon and he's not going to get to teach real Nick Jr. how to drive. And I don't know exactly what happened at the tavern, but like... And I don't know all these hand gestures he's doing, but I'm looking at it and...

There's a lot of hand gestures I don't like that I'm seeing. So I feel like a lot of stuff happened. Those hand gestures are between him and the person he made love with. I know, I'm just saying I'm concerned about him. That'll bring the Lord into this. Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Dad. I mean, Mr. Wilson. We're not going to teach Nick Jr. to drive, right? We're not going to play around with that. I mean, I'm a pretty good teacher, so you never know what could accidentally slip through. Yeah.

But we should make Glenn feel involved. And then after the kids are done driving, they'll be really happy. And then they can go off and play and maybe practice. And then we can talk to Glenn. A little intervention for Glenn. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. Hey, Glenn, how's it going over there? Hey, Glenn, how's it going? Let me just say I burned my inspiration a couple of times during that. Hey, how's it going, everybody? Hey, are we going to teach the kids how to drive? Yeah. All right, boys. Who's going to teach you? You want to help? Because you're such a good driver, I heard. You got your learner's permit when you're 15. That's great. Maybe you can help us out.

I know a few things about the old vehicular arts. Manslaughter. Glenn trying not to say manslaughter. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

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What I love about this is like, hey, Anthony, can you come up with a fun mechanic for this idea? I might think it is that we do this montage style. Okay. I think each of the dads teaches a different part of the driving. Great. Okay. So whenever you want to, you jump in and then with your kid, I will respond and we'll...

See if we can get some peace out of that. Okay, so we're doing a fun, some zany upbeat music is playing as we're cutting between all the dads teaching the different elements of driving. Father, which button is the ejector seat? Okay, so the first and most important thing you need to learn about driving is our friend right here called Mr. Seatbelt. And so here's how a seatbelt works. I've been in a car before. You're wearing your dang seatbelt, Lark!

Hey, I know it's a little sensitive, but like we can include Glenn by, you know, Glenn can teach Lark and that will give him some. Yeah, Lark's kind of driving me crazy. He won't put his seatbelt on. Glenn, could you handle Lark for a second? Yeah, no worries. So Lark, what you got to understand is that during a reverse J turn, the fact that the engine block is in the front allows you to make a reverse 180 very, very quickly. Like in Cobra. Exactly. In the slow movie Cobra. So the key is pulling into reverse and getting to about 25 miles an hour. You got to make sure you hit 25 miles an hour. It's just a second.

single crank of the wheel and you'll immediately reverse one day to your car. All right, let's try this shit. Ready? Here we go. And then you all see it in the distance is like he moves forward five feet and then stops because he doesn't actually know how the car works. He's like, okay, that's a good start. We'll do this again. We'll try it again. We'll try it again. He fucking hits the steering wheel because he didn't have his seatbelt on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Skull slams into the steering wheel. Well, it sounds like someone learned to wear his seatbelt. Good job, Glenn. I'm only doing this because I want to now as he clips the seatbelt in. Okay, some other quick things in no specific order. Always keep your hands at 10 and 2. So you're holding 10 things in one hand and then two things in the other.

And then one of those things is always a steering wheel. So it's like sometimes I'll have like toothpicks in my left hand. I'll be like, oh. I don't think you should be doing that. That's not what that means. But then I got like cool Wolverine hands. And the two, sometimes that's just my keys, my key chain. Wait, your key, but they should be in the ignition. Yeah, well, I've got a Prius. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And then, okay, so this is the hazard button, and then you can park anywhere as long as you put that on. That's not true. That's just not true. Oh, my God. Is this why you keep getting tickets? No, I get tickets to see shows of cars because they like it. That's a tow yard. That's because they towed your car. You don't get to see. Oh, my God. How did you live this long? There are seat warmers.

I don't know how to put them on. All right, Lark. Now, the way understeer works is if you're going too fast for the wheels to be able to get traction, counterintuitively, you need to slow down. Okay. I thought you were going to say steer into it. No, understeer means you're overloading. Let me talk a little bit about how the tire patches work here. Glenn, let's cut past the bullshit. How does a band drift? Ah.

Drifting. Well, it's going to be difficult in a front-wheel drive vehicle. However, using the handbrake. Oh, that actually reminds me. I'm going to rig up the handbrake to allow for easier drifting. Daryl says, Glenn, you will not be modifying my Honda Odyssey to change the handbrake. What are you doing? It's not your Honda Odyssey, Daryl. Okay, you can teach Clark whatever you want, but once we get the real car, you're not doing this. Clark?

My son's name is not Glark. Did you think his name was Glark? The whole time you've been calling me Glark and I didn't notice? They are going to eventually be driving my vehicle. So I'm just making sure that whatever he's teaching him right now is not going to be what he's implying. Hey, Frank, Frank, what does it say in the Bible about snitches?

Oh, they get stitches. Okay, Grant, you've watched your dad drive. I mean, it seems pretty simple. Just pretty much ignore everything you just heard the other three dads say. They used to say 10 and 2, but nowadays the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recommends 9 and 3. You know this. You watch your old man drive. Put them on 9 and 3. Make sure you check your mirrors. Make sure nobody's around. Put your car into drive and then start going. You know how you do. You play.

video games, son. You've got a video card. You pretty much know what to do. They added cars to Fortnite a little while ago, so I've got it pretty good. Terry Jr., the horn, you can have a veritable conversation using only the horn. Something Daryl would know nothing about. I'm just kidding. Say you're waiting for somebody to get their groceries. You make sure that you unlock the car before they hop in. And then if you see them kind of looking around, you could be like, honk, honk.

and then you like hop in and then if somebody's in front of you like you know hogging up the lane don't do anything to that they might scare them so just kind of kind of just sit there behind them i think you may have actually stumbled upon something that might be useful which is should the kids and i have a like a honk signal to you is like two honks like we need help or is like oh here just do morse code

Okay, who wants to teach me how to do Morse code? I don't know how to do Morse code. Time for a montage and a montage. I mean, it's a good idea, but we don't need that many messages. I think just coming up with a few little things that the kids could learn would be, yeah, helpful if they need help. What about lean on the horn the whole time? That way, we know you're at the wheel. And then if the horn stops going, we know something has gone wrong. We know you're dead. That sounds like a bad idea. And also, if I got shot from behind or something and then slumped forward. Oh, my God.

he would be on the horn. Quite an imagination on this kid. I'm in a dark place. I was way too young.

Forget it, Dad. It's the Forgotten Realms. Okay, how about this? One honk means send help, right? That means we got to go to the van. Two honks means we're okay, and you do that every minute? Okay, I've got a better one. I've got a better one. All we do is we need help, and that's honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. Classic. That's all we need. And then if you ever want to, if you just do three honks, that means I love you. Ha ha ha!

So Terry looks and goes, oh my God. We cut to Henry with Sparrow. And he's like, Sparrow, there's one last thing you need to know about. And it's to always respect cyclists. They're right. They use the roads too. I don't know if we're going to see any cyclists while we're in the battle, but someone might be on a bicycle and you need to treat them just like they're a car, sir. Cause they are part of the nature of the road. Father, I need to ask you a genuine question. If,

If some of the soldiers tried to prevent us from getting through the portal are on cycles, what do I do? Then you keep driving. You run them over.

Son, are they using their hand signals to indicate turning? Tonight, you're going to break your one rule. So each of the sons is going to roll. They're just going to get a straight D20 roll. Yes. And whoever rolls best will be the driver. And whoever rolls second best will be the navigator. And they'll be resentful the whole time. I like to cast ceremony on all the kids. Okay, what does that do? It's coming of age.

Touch one humanoid who's a young adult. For the next 24 hours, whenever the target makes an ability check, it can roll a D4 and add the number rolled to the ability check. Creature can benefit from this right only once. It's like a free D4. Wow. Okay. They all have it, so it cancels out. I know. I'm saying they wouldn't use it here. I'm saying at the end of this, they're going to have come of age. They've all passed the driver's course, so Glenn gives them each a certificate and shakes their hand and says, congratulations. Yes, therapy.

Who wants their kid to drive first? Grant, show me how it's done, buddy. All right, guys. Wish me luck. Good luck. 23. 23. Wow. Daryl just looks at Frank. That was pretty good. He did everything by the book. He checked his fucking mirrors. He looks behind him as he backed up to make sure he didn't hit a kid or anything. God, I didn't learn to drive that good till like last year. Take a natural 20. No, he got a 19 and then on D4 was a three. Wow. And then Terry, I guess. Sure.

He got a one and a one. Whoa, a double print fail. So the engine explodes in the hood and he goes like, no, I did it wrong. How did I do?

did I do that? And Walter's like, no, no, no, don't worry about it. I'll repair it. It wasn't your fault, Terry. Terry comes out and he's like pulling at his hair. He goes, I fucked up. What did I do? I fucked up so bad. Terry, listen. This is my fault. No, no, Terry, look, you didn't hurt anybody, right? There's nobody hurt. The car, it still looks great. And then you remember to put on the hazards. The car's not moving and nobody's going to be upset. I can't, I can't drive. I don't, I don't like driving. I don't want to. Give it up to Terry. He did a good job.

good job it's time to say good job look at me you came up with a really good idea and you're like the brains of the whole thing everybody knows that drivers are freaking stupid okay you can be the the navi or wait okay you can be in the backs the backseat driver is the most important okay i i like that i could be the idea guy the backseat driver yeah you guys always the best guy terry that's not so bad you did good

I fucked up, but no, it's okay. I'll do, yeah, no, I just, I won't try. Because I fucked up at this, I'm just never going to try it again because then I won't fuck up again. No, you can't do that, kid. All right. It's Sparrow's turn. Terry's going to get a Vespa. Sparrow got a 15, so like pretty, pretty damn good. All right. Not quite as good as Grant. He missed a couple of signals. He swerved out of the way of an imaginary cyclist and put the car in a ditch. Yeah, yeah. To back it up.

A little too anxious. Gets a good job avoiding the cyclist, though. I'm proud of you. My imaginary conscience would have been inconsolable. And then I want to cast. Yes, do it. Do it. On Lark. Right before his test, I'm going to give him bardic inspiration. Great. It's a D12. D12. And then what I said to him is, I go, all right, Lark, remember, you got a fast car. I want a ticket anywhere. Maybe we can make a deal. Lark is now going to roll. That's a 25. Oh, my God.

Good job, Lark! It's like full on like Fast and the Furious. It's like Baby Driver. There's two hot trees like with like booty shorts and they just fucking and he goes off and like does a fucking circle drift in the sand and like smoke's going everywhere and he fucking perfectly lands between like, I don't know, two trees or something. It's very impressive. He does a bunch of car stuff. Grant's like, I had you and then Lark goes, you never had me. You didn't even have your car.

It doesn't matter whether you lose by a minute or a mile. Maybe together we can get somewhere. Lark, that was amazing. I know. That was real cool what you, yeah, I'm proud of you, Lark. And he gets out and he fucking hood slides across and he goes, it looks like I'm the baby driver. Yes, you are. You're my little baby and you're a great driver. Ew, Jesus. Grant, Grant, you'll be my navigator. And Grant's like, okay, that's fine.

Oh, Grant, you're going to crush it. You kids are going to be okay. This is going to be great. Does Grant know how to read a map? I guess you don't need a map. Grant, you know, Mr. Oak here was wondering if you know how to read a map. Don't tie me up, Terrell.

All Fortnite is is reading a map. I know everything about maps. That's true. I have amazing map reading skills and call outs. Sure, yeah. I can do call outs. Yes, you can do call outs. That's true. You're very good at that, Grant. I'll go now write some call out locations on that 3D map and then we'll be able to reference them during the fight. That's great. I'm pretty familiar with call outs myself.

So you've got your baby driver, you've got your baby navigator, and you've got your baby backseat driver and then also Sparrow. Okay, so the next thing is we've got to get the homunculuses ready to drive the decoy car. Yes. Mom? Yes? When do we want to create these homunculi? Do we want to do that right before the battle? Because you said they're going to be pretty stupid.

They'll be stupid. They're not going to like melt or anything. Are they going to wander off if we make them right now? They might. We could tie them to like a stick or something. Oh, that feels weird. I feel a little weird about that. We can just do it right before we got to go. We'll do it right before we got to go. They're mods, man. I don't know what to tell you. They're not going to be that wise. So yeah, I guess we can just do it right before if you want to. Okay, well, we'll hold off on that.

We're going to talk to Glenn a little bit. But let's, we got to, we got to get some weapons. Me and Ron were working on some weapons. We've got to get the kids geared up. And then we got to figure out how we're going to blow up these pillars. So that's kind of like what's next. Yeah, and then we got to check in on the Fyre Festival and how all that's going. Oh yeah, hey Doug, can we get an update on the Fyre Festival? We've been busy. How have you been? Yeah, the metrics have never been higher. What does that mean? What's the metrics? What's the metrics?

Metrics is how you determine how good things are in this world. Yeah, how good a thing. You know how like you can't actually define what's good or bad objectively and how that like fuck with philosophers for a long time. Turns out they just didn't have metrics. Now we have those and I can say that objectively we're doing good.

You're going to have pretty much every NPC that we've mentioned and forgot about will show up at some point. We've got a lot of strangers coming. How much money have we made so far on ticket sales? Pre-sales. Yeah, pre-sales. Oh, I was supposed to be taking their money now. I thought we were doing that at the door. Oh, Doug, buddy. Oh.

It's all about that PayPal, pal. He starts walking into the ocean. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I fucked up again. No, we should have been more clear. This is useful, actually, because Glenn, tell me if I'm wrong, but we need some components for that spell, right? So maybe we can use... Oh, yes. That's a list. Yeah, maybe we could get Doug a list and he could go gather the money now. Two things, two things, two things, Doug.

In social media, every missed opportunity is another opportunity. So we can upcharge them for an additional package and then get more money out of them. Also, I have a list of all the spell components that we'll ever need, so no one has to ever bother us about those. You see, Doug, there's things in D&D, I mean, in D&D, or in life, rather, called components.

and a component is something that you need to do before you can do another thing. And that kind of wastes a lot of time naturally in the world. And so normally we don't do that, but we've got some time here. Okay.

All right, well, I'll go do these and I'll try to convince everyone to pay after I told them they could pay later. And you need to turn all that money into, we need a diamond worth 5,000 gold. That's one of the components we need. That's one of the components. Okay. So if Doug could do that, that'd be great. I'll find $5,000 if I have to kill my own

Not my parents. I like my parents. I have enough memory of liking my parents enough left to not do that. You are going to kill it with whoever you need to talk to, which is what you mean when you say that, right? Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Okay, good. So Doug heads off to go get some components and to collect payment from your hypothetical audience members. From the premium platinum tier. Yes, from the black card wielding executives. Okay, so we're going to treat teaching your kids to drive as a single Climaction.

All right, so you rolled a four, which is good because it doesn't take you into a new threshold of them getting an upgrade. You're at 59 points out of basically once you get to 60, they then get another upgrade. We've had a tough day. All of us have had a pretty tough day. We did a lot of soul searching. We did a lot of that. I mean, we taught our kids to drive. That's pretty exciting. Glenn's got to rest because we got to get Odyssey Sun back tomorrow. Maybe we should talk to Matilda. Yeah, or we should just see if maybe there's a way to get an inside peek, a sneak peek, if you will, at what's going on over at the enemy camp just so we know what we're up against.

Aaron, can I borrow a leaf? Me and Matilda, we came up with a secret code for contacting her. I just need a leaf contact. She knows how to do that, I guess. Okay, so Aaron comes out of her workshop and then hands you a leaf. You needed Aaron to get a leaf? Yeah.

We're surrounded by trees, Matt. I was working. I was in the fucking zone. I have like three or four items I'm trying to make here. You're right. For some reason, I just think leaves are all yours. You're right. Oh, my God. That's offensive. Oh, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to be offensive. I thought steak was all yours. I guess it kind of actually is, though. Yeah, steak's all mine. Got him. Yeah, you got me. I'll just be in there working. We appreciate what you're doing. We're sorry. I'm sorry I called you over. All right. So I open it up. I go, Matilda. Matilda.

And she goes, Daryl. I love that Matt did the Sega song. Matilda. Matilda. D-D-D-Daryl. D-D-D-D-Daryl. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Daryl. Wilson. Matilda. The GameCube.

Matilda, here are the, hey, check it. These are the other dads. Hi, sweet Matilda. We've heard so much about you. Oi, I can't talk too much because we're about to go into a big batting meeting about our plans. But what's up? How you doing? Okay, so we're getting pretty close to like tackling this whole situation. I think after tomorrow, we're going to be ready to go. And I want to know what's going on on the inside. And if that whole beer situation, you know, what's the, how about we tell you what we're planning? You tell us if it's useful, this information I'm about to tell you. Well, I can tell you the upgrades and stuff.

That's better. That's better. You're the smart one. Yeah, I know. Okay, so we had some more people join us. We had punky-looking, like, force bandits. They're called the Red Band Trailers. We got them and their leader, NBA. Don't worry, guys. They're all drug users. They're going to be at this fire festival for sure. We got ten knights with, like, gelatinous insides, and they're led by some sort of elk lady. Elizabeth Warden. Oh, shit. Oh.

And then, weirdly, we also got 15 children led by somebody named Gunner Duckwell. Oh my god! Holy shit! That's the unfortunate foster children that Peyton was fighting. I hold Peyton in Frank's hand at the moment. Yeah, he immediately starts quivering. It looks like Barry got some sort of

item. I'm not sure what it is because Anthony hasn't decided yet, but he's got a wondrous item of some sort. Oh shit. Wondrous is bad. And then there's a weird, this one's very confusing and I haven't been able to like divine the answer out of Willie because he hasn't been around seemingly, but there's some sort of device that

It seems like he took it from that bunker in Oakvale, that underground area, and there's a bunch of wires and whatnot coming out of it. It looks dangerous. What bunker? This is the one we remember when you turned into a dog when we went back in Oakville. Oh, yeah. The Oak Ridge nuclear facility. He's got a nuclear bomb? Is that what's going on?

So is nuclear mean like small or large? I have bad news, Matilda. Nuclear means bad. It means there's a show called Chernobyl that was like really got into this in a riveting way. But no, nuclear is not a good thing. It'd be like, you know, you turn on the stove and there's like, you put like a little too much lighter fuel in your, in your BBQ and you get that little puff of like,

Well, you know what an explosion is. Imagine that, but like big enough to blow up the entire town you're in plus 100 towns. It's like when you land a really cool skateboarding trick and you're like, that was nuclear. That's not what it's like, but it's a different word for, I guess you could use that, but I think she means like the real type of nuclear bomb. Yeah, it's going to kill like everybody. Oh.

That's bad. Yeah. Should I find a way to stop it? Yeah, that'd be, that'd be great. Yeah. Anything you can do, Matilda, you know, I remember Daryl saying you guys have been working on a new type of barrel special that has fun, magical properties that can help us in this battle. So maybe deploy that. We'll send you another message right when we're about to start our attack. Okay. So I should deploy the, like, what is it? Like sleeping beer or something? What did you, what did we make together? Remind me. What beer do we think we were going to make? Anti-nuclear bomb beer.

bomb shelter brew. I think sleepy beer. Atomic IPA. No, sleepy beer, you were giving me that lavender tea and you're like, hey, Daryl, maybe don't drink right before you go to bed. It actually like, you know, it actually keeps you up. Yeah, you were staying up all night. And then we like blended the lavender with the beer and it's just like made a sleepy time beer and then you're like, hey, you could probably pump this up. It's an IPA. I'll put you asleep. Run! Run! Run!

Ron, hang on to that. Ron, are you writing that down? Yeah. That's going to be the first beer we make together. That's so good. Terrible. Focus. Terrible. You're right. Sleepy time beer. No one cares about your business and you're doing wrong that I'm not invited to. Henry, do you want to be part of this beer company? Maybe. We'll talk about it later. It sounds like somebody cares.

Oh, really quick. One last thing, because I don't want to get you in trouble. Are you hearing about this fire festival? Is it breaking into the fortress? Is our street team doing a good job? I mean, we've heard about, yeah, some sort of concert going on near Neverwinter. We need you to hype it up to everyone.

to everybody. Let's say you're going. I'll blow her cover. You want me to try to get the soldiers to leave? No! Don't tell them to leave, but just casually talk about how you wish you could go. We're trying to develop FOMO, which is, I believe... Friday, oh yay.

And then Monday, oh no. We want people to feel like they're missing out on this Fyre Festival thing. Because that'll help us build our hype machine. We're hoping we can maybe, depending on how cool the Fyre Festival is, get a lot of these people to just kind of leave. Yeah, you could try to just be like, you know, take a picture of like some of these yurts. Wow, that looks really cool. That looks like a great fun weekend. Just lightly drop hints like that. All right, I'll do my best.

Stay safe. Don't do anything that will get you in trouble. Let's let Daryl and Matilda say something to each other without us there. We're going to go over there, Daryl. Why are you being so weird about it?

so what are you wearing right now i'm sorry i just can't i still love carol you know i know you do i'm sure she loves you but when i watched you pour those beers you're just so much man you're so much man i i appreciate that until you stay safe and okay well if i live through this

Can I get a kiss on the cheek? You got it, lady. Matilda, remember, you deserve so much, and you're going to find somebody, and you're going to make it through this. I appreciate you so much for helping us. I got to go. You're the best. Goodbye, my son in stars. Dad, you heard all that, right? Yes, I did. We're going to need to talk to you about this later, but that's... Oh, boy, you just beat him away with a stick. That's my boy! Okay, wow. Sounds like tomorrow we're really doing this thing. We're really doing it.

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See store for details. Freddie, plug your ears because we need to talk about Glenn. Okay. So, I've never done... You've probably done them, Henry. How do you do an intervention? How do we bring them into it? All right. So, what we need to do is we need to sit down and just for the record, all the interventions I've done have been unsuccessful because they were with my sons. Oh, okay. But what we need to do is just be like, hey, could you come over and sit down? You know, we all have some... We don't need to say it's an intervention right at the start. You know, we just start talking to Glenn about...

what we feel. Act natural. Act natural and we'll just be like, hey Glenn, how are you doing? Then we'll sit down and we'll start talking. So our objective, what is our objective? Well, I don't know. Last, talking to my therapist, doctor, not me, and then you said that you talked to your mom and then you said that you talked to your dad and that it was all very cathartic and sort of wrapped up your character arc and it's sort of like a really wonderful way to set the stakes before we go forward here. It just seems like he's not really dealing with

his son. Yeah. Or lack thereof. Lack thereof. I think the goal is to get him to talk about...

about how he feels. Oh, I didn't tell you guys this, but when we first got to the beach, you know, you're having a nice moment with Terry and you were talking to your, it was that night. He mentioned he was thinking about not going back home. Okay, that's a big problem. That's a big thing. I should have brought that up before. I'm sorry. We just got to crack him open and just fucking be there for whatever comes out. Okay, okay. All right, here we go. Hey, where's Glenn right now? You're good, by the way. Glenn's probably on the hammock, his hammock on the beach. Okay.

There's like little piss holes dotted all over. Oh, no. Hey, Henry, you brought four beers, but there's only three of us here. Ah, shucks. I guess that means Glenn will have to have two because I canonically don't drink beer. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I mean, no, but one of these beers is a kombucha for you. Yeah. Hey, Glenn. Hey. Hey, man. Hey. We were all thinking maybe we have, you know, one little drink together before. Yeah, right. Yeah, some brewskis. We're just over here having a heck of a time.

Yeah. Hey, what about that driving test today? Hey, Lark did real good. Oh, thanks, man. Drifting around. I'm a little nervous. All that stuff, huh? Those moves. You taught him real well, Glenn. Yeah, I wonder how well Nick would have done. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, man. So speaking of that. Why don't you have a seat?

buddy, in a fun way, in a casual way. Well, I am. We were in a circle, but then Daryl gets up and sits in between Henry and Ron. So it's very much three of them looking at just Glenn. Oh, what's going on? Oh, nothing. I just, I don't know. That chair was a little small. I'm sorry. Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to stay in the hammock if that's all right. That's fine. However you feel comfortable. Glenn? I'm getting good sleep in here. Oh, yeah. What's up? We...

We want... How are you doing, buddy? Like, you know, cool. Pretty cool. Pretty... Because it seems like you've gone through a lot, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got to say, personally...

I'm a little worried about you, man. That's all right. I appreciate that, man. But, you know, I'm good. Well, you know, I just... I feel like we've been moving a mile a minute since everything that happened with the trial and with Jody and with Nick. And I just keep thinking about how I would feel if I was in that situation. And I think about how bad it would hurt and how... I don't know how I would deal with that. And I got to be honest, as your friend...

The way you've been dealing with it concerns me. I feel like you've been well, you know, you're you're peeing in the ground. Well, hold on. I want to be clear. I've been peeing on the ground since the beginning. So, oh, OK. But, you know, like I feel like maybe you're not dealing with your pain or you're maybe trying to stuff it down so you don't got to feel it. But like.

We love you, and Daryl told us that you were thinking of maybe staying behind, and that really concerns me because I just – Daryl. That was a bro-to-bro conversation. I'm sorry, Glenn. I really didn't think it was a secret or not for these two. We did sign NDAs after that. But here personally, I just want to – maybe I felt like I kind of interrupted you. Neither of us were really feeling like talking that moment. I'm just –

I right now would like to know, you know, are you feeling that way? And maybe you can tell us about it. Yeah, a little bit. I'll tell you what. Yeah. I mean, you got to remember, guys, after the trial, I was in a cell for a while. Yeah, man. For a long time. What was it? A few days or something for you guys. But it was years for me, man. I had a lot of time to think in there. Me and Nick Jr. bounced a lot of ideas off my boy Nick Jr. here. Squeak. Yeah. Yeah. Glenn, Nick Jr.'s not your son.

I know. I know it's not my son. Nick Jr. is a rat that kept me company through those long years. And down there, that's basically all I had. And I got to say, have you ever read that book? What was it? The Count of Monte Cristo? The movie's good. I haven't read the book, though. Tell us about the book. I don't remember it that much, actually. I had to read it back in school or something. But anyway, the point is, I just got the feeling that sometimes the universe can be a real piece of shit.

And sometimes you roll good and sometimes you roll bad. Things are unfair and the world changes around you. It's not up to you. Sometimes fate kind of takes things away from you. Or maybe it is maybe your fault a little bit. I guess after all that time down there and consulting with my boy Nick Jr. here, all that grief I felt losing my son, I eventually just had to accept it.

But good news, I've channeled all that into hatred for my dad because I just kept going back to the same answer, which is if I could just kill my dad, things will feel a lot better. That's kind of where I'm at right now. Well, that sounds healthy. Did you feel it? Yeah, right? Yeah. I guess you didn't read the book, but that's kind of the opposite lesson. Oh, is the movie different? Did they change it up? Yeah. It's not going to feel – I mean, we might have to – I think killing your dad –

Getting home is important, but... What is home for me anymore? Well, you have... Is it the place where your loved ones are? Is that where it is? Is that where home is? What is home for you, Daryl? I mean, yeah. Home isn't a place for me. Home is where the people I love is and where I can always come back to. And I know you've lost all that, and I can't even imagine... So then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't know, Glenn. What do you want, Glenn? Do you want a relationship with your son?

Yeah. Well, then that's what you do, man. So go to hell? Hell yeah, you go to hell. If you want a relationship with Nick, your son who you love, you fight for that, man. And that's more important than your dad, just as your friend. I'm just saying that. What do you think you're going to feel after you kill your dad? Do you think you're going to feel happy? Do you think that that's going to help you get Nick back? I know it's something we got to do, but man, you got to...

If that's what's important to you, that's what's important to you. And that's your family. If Nick is still your family, then at the very least, you got to try. I don't know if you'll be able to live with yourself. I want to have, you know, I'm going to give Nick and his new dad a little bit of space.

But I don't want to be out of his life either. And I just got to say this. I've seen a lot of stuff where they're talking about, oh, revenge isn't a good feeling. It's all empty at the end. It's like, well, maybe sometimes I want to try it out for myself. How many of those nerd authors ever really did kill their own father? How could they know? They're just making it up. They're just imagining it.

It's fiction. And I don't know. This is all I'm thinking about, and it's kind of tough to let go of because I do feel like my dad's a bad dude, and he's responsible indirectly for a lot of us. He's responsible for all of us being here in the first place. He's responsible for this whole mess that we got ourselves into. So if not death, then what? Just to let him go? Well, I was thinking, you know, Henry...

You don't know what's really important to Glenn. Only Glenn knows what's important to Glenn. So I don't think we should judge him for thinking like one thing we'll do. Well, I'm not done with you yet. Judge him for thinking about what will make him feel better. If he needs to feel better at all. So I guess, I don't know, maybe this wasn't the best intervention because we're kind of trying to intervene on each other and then figuring out. There's a lot of cross intervening. Wait, is this an intervention?

It was an intervention, Glenn. We're worried for our friend, Glenn. We love you and we're scared. And we see you going through these emotions and you're so internal about it and we can't read you and we're freaked out. We're all scared. Maybe I'm intervening myself right now. Maybe I'm intervening how scared I am for my friend, Glenn. And it's making me do crazy things like judge people, which is not something I'd like to do. But I guess I'm doing it. You're very right, Ron. Thank you for the note. But, Glenn, I...

As your friend, Henry, who didn't like you when I first met you, but has grown tolerant of you and has found a sort of affection for you. And who sees you being a good dad to Nick. And I just, I guess we'll figure it out. I'm sorry, Glenn. We really weren't trying to sabotage you. And good point, Ron. I'm just going to leave it at this because you're right. There's a lot.

All I want to say is that whatever you need, we are here for you. And there's so much going on that I can't possibly imagine. I don't know what home is for you. All I want you to know is that the three dads here, we all love you. And if you ever come back to us or want to be with us, we are here for you. And we're here for you in this end of this journey. And there's a lot going on, but we're here for you. Yeah. Maybe, Glenn, we're not home, but we are Olive Garden. And when you're here, you're family. Yeah.

Okay, as you say that, from Aaron's uh-huh, you hear like a loud crash and a bang, and you hear, oh, fuck, fuck. And then the door, after a brief moment of like scuffling, you see the door kick open, and Aaron comes out holding a bunch of items in her arms, and also she's bleeding from her stomach from like a wound. Aaron! I cast my highest level healing spell on her. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, boy, fuck, fuck.

You gotta be careful in there. Oh my gosh. I know I have to be careful, Henry. Thank you. No, it's, I'm sorry. I'm really judging a lot of people right now. I'm going to just, I'm going to just take a step back for a second. Okay. So I've got some items for you. All right. One of them is kind of time sensitive, but I'll save that for lack because it requires more explanation. First of all, I've got the ring of swapping. This is very neat.

So this is from Eric Zespulski. Thank you, Eric. As a bonus action, the wearer can choose to swap places with a creature they can see within 100 feet. They then swap places, and that creature is now wearing the ring of swapping. Whoa! That's cool. So that person can now use the ring of swapping. So that's cool. So why don't you take that?

And she flicks it into the air kind of hurriedly. And she's looking a little bit like, oh, fuck, because you got to stop. Henry grabs the ring. Then there is the Amulet of Youngblood by Chase Davis. Thank you, Chase Davis. I don't know if you'll be able to use this. Maybe you will. Could be fun. When you wear it, it makes you appear like a young kid. Doesn't do anything to your stats. Just makes you look like a kid. That's fun. Ooh, interesting. And then she pulls up what looks like a dictionary. She goes, this one's very strong. You should be careful about this one. It's called the Word Anomicon. And she tosses it at one of you. And she goes, so this is by Simon Young. Thank you, Simon.

It's a dictionary with three magical spaces that the dads can use to create words that will instantly be assimilated into the common tongue as if they always existed. That's a Glenn one if he's... Yeah, NPCs all understand the words and their meaning. There's three slots that not all of you need to be using at the same time, and words that exist in our world may not have dictionary definitions. But yeah, basically just lies to create words. It's kind of cool. It's mainly for like getting in people's heads and stuff like that. Okay, so the one...

It still hurts. And she pulls out a knife, very long, sharp knife. And she goes, this is the cut to the chase by Will S. Thank you, Will. And the premise of this is that if you I thought that it would be like a long time thing, but it's a time thing. So if you basically prick yourself with it, then you get resistance against all damage from a particular enemy type. So I was just like humans and stabbed myself and it like.

I could feel the power that it works and stuff like that. But basically now that it's been used, we only have until the next one. Well, you have to prick or stab. Well, I kind of erred on the side of stab, but it basically does like 6d4 damage to you. But if you're going to be doing a long rest of stuff anyway, then it shouldn't be that big of a deal. But it's like I turned it on and its battery is running out when I stabbed myself with it. I was experimenting with it. I accidentally turned it on. Sounds like this could be a good thing to use for that dragon. Yeah.

I was actually thinking, yeah, you unfortunately have to use it now because otherwise you would like go to the fight and then just decide what was about to hit you or whatever. But like, yeah, I was thinking at the very least, Glenn could use it for the dragon because the dragon is going to come after him because of all the shit that went down in Meth Bay. I don't know if you all wanted to use on like humans because of your dads and stuff. I'm going to use it on dragons.

Okay. That's okay. Anybody have a problem with that? Yeah, I don't. So one person gets to use it? No, you all get to use it. Oh, okay. We'll start with Glenn because he knows what he wants to use it. All right, so Glenn, go ahead and hold out your hands. Do the left arm because I use memory handed. Okay, and that's your big left arm, right? Normie. So roll 64. 64, okay. Three. Don't roll a higher float. One. I mean, probably low, but... One.

One. Three, one, one, one. Six. Six. She goes, oh shit, I'm holding it backwards. She like flips it back right side up and she goes, oh, here we go. It's going to work this time. She stabs you. Go ahead and roll 64 again. Again? Yeah, sorry. So take more damage? There's only, there's like a limited number of charges on it. I see. A seven. Okay. Go ahead and tell me the species that you want to get resistance against. Dragons. Erin grabs her stomach and sort of doubles over and like puts her hand on your shoulder to steady herself. And she gets real close to you and she goes,

You mean dragging these nuts across your face? Power Word kill! What? Her polymorph spell disappears from her and you see Willy Stampler and your heart explodes inside of your chest because you are now below 100 HP and you have 15 seconds to say or do something before the blood leaves your body and you go unconscious and die. What?

One, two, three, four, five, doesn't matter, it was power word kill, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. I'm going to cast against Willy Feeblemind. Okay, so what does Feeblemind do? Feeblemind is I blast the mind of a creature that I can see within range attempting to shatter its intellect and personality. Taro takes 4d6 psychic damage and must make an intelligent saving throw.

On a failed save, the creature's intelligence and charisma scores become one. The creature can't cast spells, activate magic items, understand language, or communicate in any intelligible way. At the end of every 30 days, the creature can repeat its saving throw against a spell. If it succeeds on the saving throw, the spell ends. So he has to make an intelligence saving throw. Put the bracelet on him. I'm going to roll side of hand. First of all. Yeah. First feeble mind.

Okay, so he got a 17, so he saves. I hate to break it to you, my friend. What does that do? Attack save is, at my level, intelligence 18. Really? Okay. To explain feeble mind, I go, I already made the deez nuts joke, you moron. But somehow he resists the power of the enfeeblement. So as that's going on, Henry looks at Ron and then slams a hand on Ron's shoulder. I cast guidance on Ron. It's

It's like bardic inspiration. He gets a D4 to add to an ability check of his choice. I want to fucking do a sneak attack for the first time in my fucking life. Go for it. Okay, I'm going to roll stealth and try to slip behind him like a little sandworm. Okay, go ahead and roll stealth. That's such a heavy sounding dice. I know. 19. All right. Plus 11. Oh my God. So 30. I'll have him roll, I guess, perception. He got a 14.

So you successfully managed to sneak behind him. So you got one action before he's going to take his action. Okay. We're trying to get the bracelet on Willie. Yeah. Fuck. That's a six. Okay. But you got advantage. Fucking 15. Okay. Plus, plus your roll. You're plus four. So 19, 19 plus one, one 20. Okay. So I'll have him roll.

So he got a five. The cuff is about to go around his wrist. You can feel the temperature of the air changes. His body from his hand is radiating onto yours. It's that close to him. And then all of a sudden, his hand darts out. And without looking back, he goes, are you guys fucking stupid? I'm a goddamn legend. And he uses his second legendary resistance. He only has three for the entire rest of this campaign.

but he can at any time where he would have failed a check, succeed a check. And so he uses it in that moment and slaps the bracelet out of your hand. But when he turns and sees that it's you, Ron, holding the bracelet against him, that you actually raised a hand against him for the first time in his eyes, you see surprise, you see shock and his smile disappears and it's replaced with something wonderful.

It's not, but it's like the next door neighbor of fear that you would feel comfortable raising a hand against your own father. And you could tell he was about to try to say something clever, about to try to say something mean. As he looks into your eyes, he can't think of anything. And he just snaps his fingers and he's gone. He teleports away to another location using a seventh level spell teleport and dies.

As he disappears, a bloodied Erin O'Neil comes out of her home holding the stab wound on her stomach. And she goes, Willie, it's... And then she sees Glenn. She goes, oh, no. It's all right, Erin. I had a better deez nuts joke. And then Glenn Close dies. Holy shit. I'm going to go to a wrestling show. No. Bye, haters. Oh, my God. Bye, haters. Bye.

It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life Even if you die, it'll be alright It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life All you do is try, it'll be alright

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Our theme song is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Special thanks this week to Eric Sapolsky, Chase Davis, and Simon Young for submitting items that we used in this episode. You too can do that if you're a patron. People like Omri Ainov, Mark Zepp, Opened8Eyes, Grant R., May, V., those are two different people, May,

We'll be right back.

Those tickets are five bucks each, and you can find the link at dungeonsanddaddies.com. That's our website. It's going to be back-to-school themed. Peyton is going to be attempting to get into an exclusive private school. Check it out. If you're a patron, by the way, you get in for free to this show. So if you're going to be spending five buckaroonies, you might as well get some access to hours upon hours of bonus content.

behind the scenes and more for that you can go to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads tickets and our website at dungeonsanddaddies.com our twitter is dungeonsanddads subreddit dungeonsanddaddies our next episode's coming out September 21st the live show September 18th so if you want to get some more dad stuff earlier you can show up to that you know there's tickets on our website see you then never brought you down

Hey, this is Walter the Immoral with Walter the Immoral Blacksmithing. Please buy my knives. I need gas for my lawnmower and most of the work I've been doing has been pro bono for these four dads. It's been a long time since I actually made a sale.