Ep. 68 - I'm Going Home
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Bing, bing, bing, bing. Hey, Ron. You are in the hold room for Ron's conference call. Okay. Please enter your password that is required. Enter your password, please. Shoot, Ron didn't give me a password. What is... Uh, Ron! Oh, hey, Daryl. Hey, Ron. Wait, what? Ron? Is this Daryl Wilson? Who's this?

Who's this? Hi, Daryl. It's Henry Oak. Oh, yeah. Hey, Henry. Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. I told you the joke. I don't know if you remember. I hope you know why I called you all here today. Yeah, I sent that email out. You said you had a conference call. We could just merge to call her. Why did I call you here today?

Oh, because we got that soccer game, and we got the carpool, and like I said, I spent all day cleaning up the Odyssey, the Beast, and I think it's all ready to go. Seatbelts are good, and the snacks are packed. Honestly, you don't need to bring anything. I got it all covered. That's great, because actually, I had a couple of... Boys, that's just...

Put that down. Just put it somewhere else if you don't. So what's this about again? So, Ron, we're taking the boys up to the soccer meet, as you know, and so just wanted to coordinate. I had a specific request. Is it okay if we, you know, I don't know what kind of snacks you guys are planning on bringing, but my boys are vegan and low sugar, and if they see anything with meat or sugar in it, they're going to just make a whole stink about it. Terry, have you heard of soccer?

Oh. Hey, this is Bob holding for Glenn Close. Oh, Glenn. Hold for Glenn Close. Oh.

Hey, hey, hey, everybody. I'm sorry I'm late for this thing. Yeah, it's a carpool. You responded to the email just LOL. I didn't think you were coming in the carpool. Yeah, are you coming with us? I mean, don't get me wrong. You know, we were. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, long story short, I can't drive. So like if Nick's going to show up to this tournament tomorrow, we're going to need to hitch a ride.

I guess we could also just hitch a ride, but it might be easier. We put you on BCC because actually, all right, this is kind of awkward, but we have another dad already. It's kind of a full car. I don't think we're going to have room for you. Oh, what? Rupert is coming. Rupert? I don't think he's on the line yet. No, yeah, I've been here the whole time. Hey, Rupert Gunderson. Hey, Rupert. Good to hear from you all, fellas.

Sorry, I was just getting the generator loaded up. Very excited for this trip. Wait, where are you loading your generator? Oh, just in the back of the RV. Plenty of room for everybody. Wait, what? Oh, yeah, the RV, you know? But we said...

No, we're using the Odyssey. Like, I'm Coach Daryl here. I'm driving everybody. Well, yeah, you said we got a bunch of kids. We got beds set up, got enough, you know, food and snacks for a while, whole cooking set in the back, full generator loaded up, you know, just for simplicity's sake. Well, I don't know if we're going to need a generator. I mean, we're only going to be gone for a day. You know, that- Oh, you never know what could happen out in the, you know, you've seen this route you're taking? Yeah, I planned it.

Yeah, we've landed for several geological stops and points of scenic interest. I don't like your attitude, Rupert. You think you're just a great guy because you got a big RV and you knew that your son was going to play soccer. And, oh, I know how to drive and get there. Oh, shoot.

Rupert, I think Glenn's taking your spot. I already got my van. The Beast is really good to go. I don't think we need an RV. Like, I got it all prepared, you know. It's kind of my thing. Rupert, I was here first. Oh, okay. Yeah, no problem. No problem. Okay, bye. Great talking to you. We'll see you up there. You know, this is going to be a fun little short trip with no complications, so we're going to have a really good time. Absolutely. Go Doodlers. Yeah, go Doodlers.

God, get a load of that guy, am I right? Yeah, Rupert sounds like a real fucking square, if you'll excuse my language. Hey, fellas, I didn't want to interrupt and be impolite, just mean- Oh. Oh, I just gotta let you know, no hard feelings. I know, uh, logistics can be complicated. You've reached the end of Ron's business call line. I can't tell if that's just Mr. Stampler speaking or- This line will self-destruct in five seconds. Oh, jeez! Five seconds.

Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow, Rupert. See you all at 7.30. See you at Sharp. Go, Rupert.

Hello and welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. I know what you're thinking. It's not a BDSM podcast. It's a D&D podcast. What's D&D? I don't know. I'm a girl. But you know what? This is a podcast. You know what this is? It's a podcast for one thing. Check.

And then two, it's a podcast about four dads from our world who flung into a world of high fantasy and magic on a quest to rescue their lost sons. Did we lose a dad along the way? Yeah, we sure did. Did you also lose that same dad's kid? Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Mistakes were made. But here we are in the end game. If you were an MLB batter.

and you had an average of every three out of four hits you made, you're great. You're one of the greatest of all time. You're the best dads in the Hall of Fame of dads in my heart. Well, Dad Freddy, you want to introduce yourself? Yeah, my name is Freddy Wong. I play Glenn Close, the formerly rock and roll, bard, rock DJ of the group. What's his dead fact? Yeah, what's hell like, you shithead? Here's Glenn's dead fact. The last thing he thought as he was dying was mostly...

I'd like to think that he's saying, you know, like, oh, wow, it's like the moments in his life or whatever, and his regrets that flashed before your eyes. But like, no, you're like, like your heart exploded and stuff. So it's mostly just sitting there being like, oh, that hurts. Wish that hadn't happened. Hey, everybody, this is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this magical world of danger and dragons and dead dad friends.

Last seven deadly sin fact for Daryl. The final one. The final one. Pride, the mightiest of all sins. The one the devil himself is, you know, he's got a lot of sins going on. But I feel like the devil's pretty tight with most of the sins. It's probably really the worst thing the devil did. But this was, yeah, as Beth points out, the only one that wenteth before the fall. Yes, prideth. Prideth and prejudiced.

But just pretty straightforward here. I just think ultimately, I think Daryl's hard on himself, but definitely back in episode one when he was in that van, he looked around at the other dads and he thought...

I'm the best dad of these dads and these dads suck. I'm a good ass dad. Oh, that is probably just think that wasn't fair. Like this time about whether or not that's true or not true. I think it's true. But whether or not true is, I mean, that's interesting. A character arc isn't him reversing his opinion. His character is him feeling a little guilty about that. I think if you were to ask him, I think Daryl would sincerely be like, I think Henry and Ron are better dads than me. And, you know, I still got a lot to learn, but I'm trying my best.

But yeah, I think that's I think he was he was very proudful. Left out Glenn from that. I said I've got complicated feelings about Glenn. I think Daryl has a lot of respect ever since the courtroom stuff. Daryl's like Glenn went out the right way. Like Glenn tried really hard to be a dad at the end. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play the Birkenstock Rock and Crunchy Munchy Hippie Nature Druid Dad, Henry Oak. My Henry fact this week. I think Henry thinks he's the worst dad.

I think Henry has a very critical opinion of his dadding skills. And he looks at me like, to be fair, his kids were the only ones who were going to mass sacrifice people to summon an ancient doodler god. But I feel like he's worried about how his kids are growing up. And he looks at Ron's relationship with Terry Jr. And he looks at Daryl's ability to raise a responsible son, but also open up. I think he's worried that he isn't going to be able to grow in his relationship with his kids the way that the other dads grew in theirs, except for Brayden.

I want to change what Glenn was thinking about when he died. Okay. Okay. He was like, well, I'm going out on top. Best dad. I'm the best dad. Nice. Still not thinking about his son, Nick. What a hero. So brave. So brave. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. A fun fact about Ron this week.

In relation to the other dads and how Ron thinks about himself, I think that actually Ron didn't think of himself as a dad at all until pretty recently. No. So me, Beth, I have no real way to sort of like connect to this other than, you know, sometimes it's like people are like,

When's your birthday? And I'm like, January 10th. And then sometimes people are like... What's your social security number? What's your birthday name? Yeah. And sometimes people are like, oh, you're a Capricorn. I'm like, yeah, I guess. And then some people are like, you just did a really bitchy thing. And I'm like, oh, I'm a Capricorn. You know? Yeah.

You were ambitious and bitchy. I'm like, oh, now it all connects. So you feel like he's connected to his fatherhood over the course of the adventure, whereas before it was just something that he only thought of in the abstract. I think, yeah, before it was like, I'm a stepdad, but now it's like...

I'm a stepdad. Fuck yeah. Fuck yes. That's great. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. So sitting in front of me is, I bought a whiteboard for this very episode. I'm terrified. I mean, it's just for tracking initiative. So I've basically taken red markers and blue markers and written every friendly character or faction and every evil character faction red. You'll notice there is far more red than there is blue on this board. I don't like that.

I don't either. And I basically, while you were all eating lunch and hanging out, I was rolling initiative for all these characters just so we wouldn't have to do that during the record. And then I was writing down like, you know, approximate HP for them and how many there are per faction, stuff like that. And writing down all those numbers made me so upset. I had to go and take a nap for an hour and no one could find me. But then they found me and I'm back and I'm ready to finish what we started. Oh, God. Oh, God.

So where we last left you, you had put your hands together and said, go doodlers preparing your assault on the stronghold of the Omega dads, which encircles the portal heading back to Earth. And you were going to do it around sunset, I believe, around the newly bumped up time of the fire festival or by I'm Ron, the farewell tour.

Last episode, all three of you broke your anchors and therefore got a big infusion of daddy magic. And as I defined it, daddy magic allows you to get any single item or spell from all of D&D canon as long as that item or spell does not invoke the use of the wish spell. And I told you, you didn't have to tell me what it was and you could reveal it when it was dramatically appropriate. So I know that you, Daryl, chose gate. I don't know what Ron and Henry have chosen. Before we launch out into this battle,

You probably know this. What's the number one deciding factor in whether you're going to have a great day? That morning poop. Close. The exact opposite. What comes before the morning poop, Daryl? I mean, sometimes the morning pee. Sometimes. What goes into your poop? Yes. Hard stop. Hard stop. Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes I do dry poops. I focus all of my key, all of my energy.

Sometimes you don't got a piece. Sometimes you just poop. I hear you guys. You just say breakfast is the most important part of the day. I personally usually have an AMBM before I go and have breakfast. I see. You get that AMBM out. You get some space ready. Before we launch into this battle, I think it's important that we all share one last meal together, and I've got just the thing. One of you will betray me. That'd be some fun and fan art. Just put that on the universe.

So Henry casts Hero's Feast. About time. Oh, this is a good spell. This is a six level spell. You bring forth a great feast, including magnificent food and drink. The feast takes one hour to consume and disappears at the end of that time. Its beneficial effects don't set in until this hour is over. Up to 12 creatures can partake of the feast.

Wow. That's great. These benefits last for 24 hours.

You realize that you could make the most expensive pop-up restaurant in the world in the Forgotten Realms. Like, hey, you have a little meal. There's exclusive sit-down. You'll be cured of all diseases. Move over, Cheesecake Factory. Move over. What's this food you're making for us? This is the ultimate vegan feast a la Henry. This is a big moment for, I know it's your moment, but it's definitely a big moment for Daryl, too. He's always wanted to do the barbecue. I felt like multiple times on this adventure he's tried, but it never quite worked. He's watching Henry pull his meal together. He's like, you know what?

Yeah. You know what? This is Henry's feast. This is fine. Henry can do his BBQ. Kiss the chef today. This is Henry. Oh, all right. Okay. Hey, it'd be full circle. You did it the first episode. I got seven.

So I got an extra 10. Thank you. Wait, I'm trying to find the D10. It's ass to ass, but ribbed for her pleasure. Ass to ass, but ribbed for her pleasure. Yeah. That's canonically the one. It is ass to ass, but ribbed for her pleasure. Oh my God. All right. Henry gets another 8 HP. Nice. I get another 14. Nice. I'm 165. What's everybody's HP now? I'm at 143. Nice. It did the math for me. I have 102. So assuming that you're also having the kids and Walter, Autumn, Aaron eat, I

I did just a simple thing. I did one roll for all of them and you rolled very well. They each get an additional 15. Oh, this is a great appetizer. Yeah, this is my appetizer. This is just a little salad of cucumbers and tomatoes. Every boost we're getting, I'm pairing it. Oh, okay. It's just a little vegetable salad. You know, this case, it looks like it's chicken, but you said this is jack.

This is it. And then, yes, course number two is the jackfruit quesadillas with vegan cheese. I prefer the hors d'oeuvres or whore dads. Whore divorce. Yeah. You are immune to poison and being frightened. Pretty good. Was always immune to being frightened. Yeah, but thanks for the poison. Finally, we have a little serving of vegan ice cream.

It tastes just like authentic vanilla ice cream. Hey, I'm immune to poison. Hey, Henry, I would... No, let me try that kombucha of yours that you love so much. Sure, go ahead, my man. I drink it.

Well, here you go. You can have it back. It's not good, but it does not hurt. Thank you. And the vegan ice cream gives them wisdom saving throws. The true benefit of veganism is the wisdom that you get from it. Oh my God. Yeah, so now you have... So wisdom and smugness are now synonyms, right? Ah, yes. Also, don't get me angry emails. I'm the only vegan in this room. It's fine.

Gosh, this was a delicious meal. That was incredible. Not to toot my own horn. No, that was great. You're going to be tooting my own horn after having those beans, though, am I right? I would like to say every dad also gets one stinky fart they can deploy during the battle after this meal. Okay. I will use this right now. I don't know if I like this. Sorry. I'm not used to this vegan cheese. It went right through me. Sorry, everybody. Cashews. It's better for the environment, says Sparrow. Yeah, you got one in you? Yeah.

"Yeah, but I think I'm gonna save it for an important occasion." Okay. And as he says that, he farts and goes, "Oh no." Nice.

I give him a fist pound. He embarrassedly fist pounds you back. Okay, well, I think it's time to get this show on the road. Is everybody ready? I think so. Autumn and Aaron come to you and Autumn says, all the Oakvallians are already at the venue. They're ready to go whenever. And Aaron says, yeah, I've got the trees doing security. I put a spell on them that allows them to advantage saving throws on seeing through polymorph in case somebody tries to infiltrate that shouldn't. Oh, I like that. Yeah.

Okay, we're about to ride off into battle. I think we're almost ready to go over at the Fyre Festival. Have we heard from Doug? How's the crowd looking? So Doug swings by and he goes, it's looking okay, but a lot of people know that for these you want to show up a little bit fashionably late, so I think it'll be pretty exciting pretty soon. But so far I can see

The water mice, you know, Nick's old gang, they showed up. Vince is obviously, you know, backstage helping out Aaron with any logistics stuff. We and him become pretty tight. Oh, that's cool. The surviving bad dog mercenaries, they're not in much trouble.

to fight, but they came here to sort of give their support. I'm sure some more people showed up. I'm sure most of them are here to party, Doug, not fight. You didn't tell them they're here to fight, right? No, I didn't tell them that. I told them they were here for a good chill time. Okay, cool. Oh, yeah, some more people coming in now. There's a, looks like a weird snake that has no soul. Oh. A bunch of people that look like walking bananas. Oh, are they sexy? Not to me. Ha ha ha ha.

Well, boys, looks like we're in for a saucy evening. What do you say the full crowd is? Because I'm sure we know. You don't want me to go through individually every person in the crowd and whether or not you know them? Well, OK, tell us everybody that we know. No, it's fine. It'd be too many people. Yeah, no, there's like 50 people in the crowd right now. That's a whole crowd. We only got 50 people from this fire festival? Doug. I asked as many people as I could. I can't. I tried to make it sound sexy and cool. I mean, more of them might show up.

Once the music starts. Yeah. We just got to get those beats bumping. We're also in kind of a weird spot. Maybe people can't find us. And once they hear the music, they will. These are your most diehard fans like Hardball Cough Drop, the super hot BDSM expert, Sex Calibur Crosspower, the 25-year-old Danish boy.

A bunch of kids that look like they used to be vampires, really sallow kind of gothy kids that seem like they had come from Rocca Porta. Okay. And then a bunch of people that won't stop having sex with each other because their pit where they used to do that was destroyed. Sexy pit. Well, then we'll get the party going, I guess. So maybe I should, you know, be the opening act for Doug.

And he can take it from there. He could, you know, really do the Fyre Festival and that way it kind of opens us up to

to do this thing. Kids gather around. It's go time. So kids, you remember we all talked about you're going to give me the van lark. You're the best driver out there. You're driving this thing. And remember, you wait, you wait till those walls come down. And when those walls come down, you're all driving straight to that portal. And hopefully we'll be right there at the front of it. And we'll hop on in and we'll all go out together. Granted, but what if, if you guys get caught up, shouldn't we stop and pull you in or come get you? Ooh,

You guys keep going for that portal no matter what. Yeah. And Terry looks at Ron. Does Ron look like confident in this? I think Ron nods and doesn't necessarily look confident, but looks like, yes, he believes this. Yes, you should do this. And Terry silently nods back. Sparrow and Lark at the same time, Sparrow's like...

And Lark's like, obviously, they don't seem to like the idea of potentially leaving you behind. But Lark's the driver and he certainly seems decided that that's not a bad idea. I want to go say bye to Grant. Is that okay? Go say bye. Not say bye. I don't want to say bye. But, you know, just talk to Grant. Just talk to him. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay. So I just take Grant's side really quick. Hey, kiddo, you probably pretty scared, right? Extremely. Yes. Scared. Same buddy. Very scared. Hey, I'm sorry you didn't have more time with...

With Grandpa, but I'm glad you got to meet him for a little bit. Me too. I mean, I got to spend all that time with Peyton, and I really liked Peyton. So I feel like I got to spend a lot of quality time with him. Look, there's going to be a lot going on when we get home. No idea what your mom's experiencing right now or what that's going to be like when we get back. But just know that I'm proud of you, and I know you're going to do your best. And whatever happens, I love you, and I hope we get through this together. I love you. And this is going to sound...

fucked up the way i say it but i if you didn't have to use the f word right there if i'm not okay what might i i'm sorry i'm sorry you're right if we're gonna die i might as well go out yeah you know you having fun but yeah just just if it lessens your worry at all i'm pretty good at killing people so it comes down to that

I'm pretty sure I can I can keep the van safe. OK, well, you that worries me a little bit. It sounds creepy. I know. I know. I know. I don't love it. I don't feel great about it. It makes me it's hard to sleep sometimes and stuff. But like tonight, today, this is going to be this is a skill, not a flaw. That's a lot. That's a lot that you just threw out there. I just want you to know that when we get through this and we're going to get through this,

Whatever help you need and whatever we need to do to help you through this whole shit show, this whole fuck fest, as you kids might say, there's the effort. Your mom and I will be there to help you through it because I know a lot has happened and I can't even imagine how you're processing it. But I appreciate it. I'm proud of you. And I know I know you're gonna do your best to get through here. Grant nods and he says, I love you. And we'll talk about it all.

Later. Love you. I hug him. Ron looks for Terry. Terry died. He tripped and fell, hit his head on a rock.

Oh, my God. You find Terry helping Walter transition himself from the lawnmower into the crab-meat cockpit. As Sparrow, in the distance, looks on, tears running down his eyes. He's like, that was to be ours. That was to be ours. Hey, Walter, could I borrow Terry Jr. for a second? Oh, go for it. I'm pretty much finished up here. I just gotta set myself in. Get fast in the seatbelt. Very important, Terry. Just the sounds of like a thousand servos powering up. Yep. Get in the robot, Walter. Ha ha ha ha!

But I'm saying. Terry goes, yeah, what's up? What's up? Hey, Terry. He pulls you into a hug before you can even start talking. Hey, Terry. So, you know, all of us dads, we're doing this conversation with our kids about like, oh, if we don't make it home or whatever. I just want to say, if something happens to us or whatever, don't wait for us. You go on and you get back to Earth. And I don't ever want to think about you losing any family.

other father figures in your life or whatever. I don't want to think about that. And I know you don't either, I guess. But what I'm saying, what I'm saying, Terry, is that you are so strong, stronger than you ever have to be. And I, I, I wish sometimes I wish that it was your voice that I heard in my head when I was younger instead of instead of my dad. And I didn't know that anybody could love me.

until I met your mom. And I'm so glad that she shared that love with you and that you've become the man that you are because I'm so proud of you. I love you. I don't know what else to say. He hugs you closer and he kisses your tiny little bald head. He says, I love you too, dad. Yeah, dad. And you're going to beat him because you're a better man than he is.

And you're a better father than he is. And you're probably a better businessman. I don't know. It's just things come in threes. I need to come up with better things. Yeah, yeah. No, I know. I know. But I think you're going to win. Yeah. I don't think you've got to be perfect to do good or whatever. That's great. Even that thing I just said right now wasn't perfect. No, I like that. That's good. I'm going to keep that one in mind. You don't have to be perfect to do good. That's pretty good. Yeah. Mom might actually like that. Yeah. We're both going to see her. We're both going to see her again. Yep. It's going to be...

It's going to be all right, son. Let's go. Okay. It is a little weird when you call me son. I don't know why. I don't know. Yeah. That felt totally normally, but something about son is a little bit. We'll work on it. It's fine. Yeah. Okay. I mean, it'd be weird if mom called me son too, but I don't know. It's fine. We'll figure it out. Okay.

Oh, Hey Terry. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I, to jump back into this, as I was walking away, I thought of something more poignant to say to you. And again, again, not perfect. Yeah. Didn't have to be perfect, but I know, I know. I just wanted the whole thing about being a stepdad is that I know that I can't replace your real dad and that he is your dad in your heart and your soul and, and all that stuff like that. And I never met him. And, uh,

I think I'm probably hotter than he was, but I just want to say. I truly cannot judge that in any way. I just want you to know that it's an honor to share a kid with him. He would be proud of you too. That's very sweet of you, Ron. Thank you. That was a little bit better. I'm going to walk away for real now. Henry kneels down next to Larkin's Barrow and he says, Father. Hey, boys.

we're going into a real scary situation. So I hope it goes without saying that I love you both very much. And, uh, your mom and I are so proud of you. And even if the worst happens and I don't make it through this, just know that I'm always going to be with you and I'm always going to be watching over you. And I'm always going to be from wherever I am or whatever comes next. I'm going to be looking after my two beautiful boys and no

No matter what happens in this world to either one of you, I don't want you to let anyone clip your wings or stop you from soaring. And I look at Sparrow and I say, you're my love, Wolf Sparrow, but today...

Today's about power. And today, both of you are my power wolves. And I want to see two power wolves roaring across that field today. And you look to your brother because he is one of the bravest, toughest, boldest kids I know. And Lark, you look after your love wolf. You look after your brother. And I know the two of you can get through anything together. Lark and Sparrow.

look to you and they put a hand on your shoulder and they nod and they look to each other and then they do the Dragon Ball Z fusion dance and then they howl like wolves. Hell yes. And then I howl along with them. Daryl's like that kid. You know when you like finish a test like 30 minutes early and then at first like yeah and then like 10 minutes into it.

You're like, did I finish? Did I finish? So this guy is sitting there watching and he just looks at Grant who's still in the car and he just kind of gives Grant a thumbs up. Grant's like, no, we're still good. Still good. We don't have to... Yeah. You don't need to take the test back and check your answers again. Just go with your first instinct. Wait, seatbelt check. Everyone's got their seatbelts on, right? Making sure all the kids have their seatbelts on. You hear a Lark-esque...

And then a click. But everybody else had their seatbelts on. I feel like there's like a waiting point for the kids to go hide in the minivan. And so we send them off to go drive and hide in the waiting point behind a copse of trees until the battle starts. OK. Lark has driven them behind. Henry's throwing up watching. There's basically, you know, you see is you see five trees completely encircling the van running at the same exact rate. So it's just they're just like shuffling the...

You don't even see the van. You just see a lot. Yeah, you see a small like the fucking end of Macbeth. You just see a bunch of trees moving together. Did you say just like the end of Macbeth? Yeah. When Highwood comes to Dunsinane, motherfucker. Holy shit. Get yourself a DM that does it all, ladies and gentlemen. Listen to Shakespeare and doesn't fuck. So, yeah, they're all sequestered away and hidden. I'm going to have them roll stealth with advantage, but it should not be a problem because they were surrounded by trees.

Yeah, they got a 19. Like, they're fine. They're hidden. All right. Well, here they go. Which means I guess it's time to get this show on the road. I guess we grew up. They did, man. Should I have like a dad hug? Yeah, let's have a dad hug. Bring it in. A dad huggle, if you will. Yeah, a dad huggle. No, it's a dad hug. There's nothing here other than three dads who love each other. Okay. I'm missing a fourth dad here. Hey, Walter, can you get in here real quick? Yeah, sure. 20 minutes of... Just two big arms come into a hug.

Game time. So, Mom, where's the car? The fake car with the doppelganger kids. Oh, my God.

Oh my God, I forgot about the doppelganger kids. What? And I lost the car. No, I'm just fucking with you. Yeah, no, it's right over there. I'm fucking with you. I'm fucking with you. It's tense. I was trying to cut the tension. I was scared the bejeebers out of me. When you said that Terry Jr. died, I was like, what the fuck? No, it's fine. It's right over there. Yeah, no, I got quasi-working homunculi of moths. They have the souls of moths and they look like your kids. Let me tell you, please do not look them directly in the eye because it is fucking weird. With any luck...

No one's going to be looking at them directly in the eye because they're going to be looking at the driver. One man named Teenage Daryl Wilson. And I pull out the Youngblood amulet and I hang it on Daryl. And I... And Daryl turns into a teen version of Daryl that looks a lot like Grant. Okay. And I'm going to drive...

So you can probably get rid of that Grant doppelganger. I kind of don't want to look at it as weird. It's like he's already dead when you do that. In fact, let me just move it out. So I pick up the dead-looking Grant homunculus. What is it? Does it make any noise? It's my, my, my, my, my. Fortnite, Fortnite, my, my, my. We didn't tell her beforehand. We should have told her not to make it. I should have been more clear about that. We didn't really decide until the last moment. Usually these took me a few hours. I could have saved some labor if you just told me. Who's our new intern? Can somebody take care of this? I'm just going to lay it on the ground. Doug has subcontracted out his intern duties to his parents. So...

Mr. and Mrs. Dainton are there and they go, oh, of course. What do you need? What do you need? I'll just remove this somehow. Don't tell me how or let me see it. Don't turn around real quick.

Oh, man. I'm going to hear it. Okay. God. It's fine. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's just neat. It's just homunculus matter. It's nothing. Just don't think about it. Don't think about that it's the same thing that technically Peyton was. Hey, I'm feeling light. I'm feeling good. Walter says, but before you get into the rest of your plan, I have a request. Mm-hmm. Dibs on the dragon. It took Peyton from me.

Walter, it's all you, man. Yeah. That would be actually super helpful. That was a huge hole in our plan. That's the problem. We don't bring you into these plans. We're sorry, Walter. I've thought that several times. I know. We're sorry, Walter. We still have all those old copies of the Pep Boys shirts that don't have me on them. I'm sorry, Walter.

Hey, Walter, I know we do appreciate you and we've been having a hard time in this world and you've been a big part of us making it through it. You've been a cornerstone to this castle. I bow to no one. Yeah. I kneel to Walter. I kneel to Walter, too. Why are we kneeling? Because in our

world, this is a reference to a very poignant scene in a story, and that's what we're doing. And you are the point of that story, and we love you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Arise. What I'm going to be doing is I'm Grant and the kids, and we know that Willie and the other Omega dads want the kids, so this is I'm the big distraction. They want all that daddy magic. Yeah, I'm the fumble ruski. I'm the fake football.

Right. I'm driving around. And we need someone with skills behind the wheel to drive that van. I'm no work, but I'm pretty good. Yeah. Okay. This is our bait because we know they want our kids for more daddy magic. That's what they want. And I'm sure they would believe that the kids might just try to drive in on a crazy kind of suicide run. So yeah. We can get them chasing this van around trying to get those kids. That helps us keep them away from the real kids. Yes.

Okay. Okay. So that's step one. Step two, we're heading over to the fire festival. It's going to open. I'm going to be waiting in the wings when the crowd gets jumping. I'm going to cast animal shapes. We're going to ride our mighty army down the hill towards that wall. We're going to blast through and go to face our dads. Yes.

And I did that thing. Oh, good. You did the thing? I did the thing, you know. Say no more. Say no more. Yeah. We never know who could be listening, Will said, looking directly at Anthony. Walter goes, indeed. Pointing at his nose like, right on. Yes. So I guess it's time for the concert to start? Yeah.

So for the last time, you see the sun over the Forgotten Realms set beneath the horizon. I can't believe none of us ever remarked that the sun is a square in this world. It's fucking wild. It's a very Minecraft world. It's very Minecraft-y. I gotta say, this is not my favorite movie. I never liked that it's a square in this world. I like the sunset back on our world more. Let's go see it again. Let's get home. At the stage, Doug takes the microphone into his hands, which means he picks up the goblin. Before I take the shields...

Give a warm welcome to... And then Scam likely takes the microphone away from him and he's, Go, go, go! You have no sense of decorum, no sense of entertainment value whatsoever. Oh!

As you know, I'm scammed lightly. I live in your head of a tree. Oh, thank you. Thank you, fans. I see. Lovely. Daryl's like in the car, just like way in the distance. He's like, wait, is that gay? Ron, I'm like, what the fuck? Though I may turn you off, you're about to be turned on. Please make a round of applause for Hi, I'm Ron. And he steps off stage and everybody sort of starts applauding. And you can see that the crowd hasn't even gotten a little bit bigger. And then you take the stage. So what are you going to do, Ron? Uh...

Thank you, Scam, for that lovely intro. You're welcome. Welcome, Fire Festival. They had a different name, I thought. As a street team, we definitely gave them a different name. Oh, yeah. Anyways. Hi. Hi.

I'm Ron, and this is RonCon, the Bye, I'm Ron Farewell Tour. The crowd applauds politely. Man, Ron's really dropped off on the star power front. Here today, gone tomorrow, what can I say? Here today, Ron tomorrow. Fame a fickle mistress. They judge you by your performances as they come, so they're waiting. They go, music, singing, please.

Okay, this next song is a cover just to sort of give you an intro to it. I just want to say that there is a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple too and then up in the nursery an absurd little bird is popping out to say, Kenku. Kenku! So long! Farewell!

Wish I could give you all a hug. Instead, an intro interduce.

Bye, I'm Ron. And I toss the mic at Doug and I run for some reason. Okay. Okay. Make a performance roll and we'll see how the crowd is feeling. I feel like they've got to be feeling pretty good. It rhymed. Why would they not be? Yeah. When things rhyme, it's always a good time.

A natural 20. What? Baby! What? Are you fucking kidding me? We should have saved that. We should have saved that. They realize. Holy shit. The audience has come in and they've been like, we had to walk and it was a whole fucking thing. And then like, who's this duck guy? I'm taking a selfie with this natural 20. And then.

And then they realize this is why we fucking came here. This is that fucking high I'm Ron energy. This is the motherfucker that blew out the doors at the water mice slash red ranch trailers. The previous outdoor event. The previous outdoor event in that particular area whose name I don't really remember because it doesn't fucking matter. They're like, this is the greatest music act

in all of Faerun and oh he's leaving okay well okay well whatever we got that energy we're gonna take that into this set of whoever the hell Doug is like Ron's bringing like alt art to like Faerun they're like oh that's cool it's like oh Ron's not even gonna sing on there yeah Ron's Kanye now basically so Doug goes alright let's get this party started this one goes out to all the dads out there and he starts a set and it's better than it was last night when it was just a screeching of metal on metal it sounds it sounds something akin to a song

Then he adds another layer to it with a second leather shield. Whole different kind of sound. Whole different kind of noise. Whole new dimension. Whole new experience. And then he starts banging on an armored carass with a stick. And then he starts layering in new beats and it gets up higher. It gets more intense. So everybody roll Perception. Perception.

I wanna. Can I use my passive perception? Yeah. Okay, alright, I got a 25. Your passive perception is 25? Your passive. Oh yeah, because you're all wisdom guy. That's a 12. I got a 3. I mean, it makes sense. I'm very far away. I'm like in a car, like away from this thing. Yeah, and you're a teenager. They don't pay attention when they're driving. Yeah.

Darryl this whole time is kind of just like, hey kids, keep it down back there. Yeah, I also got hurt. And they're all like, Fortnite! Fortnite! Fortnite! Because they learned it from Grant. They're like, Roblox? Roblox? Roblox? Fortnite? Roblox? Fortnite? Roblox? Fortnite? Hey!

Poggers! Poggers! Poggers! Pogjam! Pogjam! F in the chat. F in the chat. So, Henry, you can see that there are a couple of scouts on the battlements of the Stronghold, and they're looking through what appears to be some sort of magical... Well, not even magical. I guess they had binoculars back then. You know, like a fucking... Yeah, binoculars. A binocular. And they're...

pointing and gesturing wildly toward the fucking venue. And not only that, when you're looking at them with your half-elven eyes, you see that the UFC fighters that they brought in, those aren't soldiers.

There are three of them standing on the towers next to those big anti-magic crystals. Willie has instructed them to just stay there. Wait, wait. Oh, you fuck. God damn it. Kids on the what? There's three kids on the towers. We're going to kill four children. There's kids on the tower? Yeah. Twelve. There's three kids on each tower. Oh.

So it's this trolley that's heading towards this... All right, I see that there's kids up there, and I look, and I pull up my radio, my Rocky Talkie, or whatever we call it, my Leaf... Leafy Weefy. My Leafy Weefy, and I say, guys, we got a problem. They're using those kids as human shields on those frickin' anti-magic things. What do we do? I mean, I guess I could drive and try to save them, but I don't think... Daryl, it's too risky. You're part of the whole plan. I mean, we can't blow up those towers if there's kids there. No. No, we can...

Add an extra act to the show, though. As you say that, you hear and see a catapult stone being launched from the interior of the stronghold, and it

All right, whatever you're going to do, Ron, do it now. And it hits Doug. You just don't see him anymore. He's there. There's a stone and there's a crater. It's a very Blue Man Group performance. Yes. And the audience is like, ah, this is fucking wild. Yeah. And his parents are like, he died doing what he loved, fucking grinding. Oh my God. He was fucking working to the very end, that fucking hustle on that board. We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you, myself.

I'm actually literally just going to walk back on the stage and pick up the mic. Okay, cool. Yeah, you like that? You like, you get like... That was all part of the show. You really pumped up? Henry, like how pumped up are they? I'm feeling pretty pumped. Are you guys turned up and juiced up and ready to go? We're full of juice! Are you fully torqued? Full of torque! Are you ready to be elephants? Are you ready to unleash your inner beast? What was

Are you willing to be transformed? Go back to the thing about elephants! Metaphorically speaking, are you willing to unleash your inner beast? I'd say sure, yeah. We're more or less willing creatures. I guess I would say that, yeah. That's fabulous. If you guys are revved up and ready to go, I'd like to introduce our next musical act. Some may know this person from their...

incredible lamb silencing skills and their devilish cop nature. Anyways, you all know who I'm talking about. The one, the only Jodie Foster. How do you summon Jodie Foster? Ron closes his eyes and up into the heavens, he cries, Dr. Lecter, Dr. Lecter.

All right, go ahead and give me just a straight D20 roll. Oh, well, never mind then. Okay, okay. 16. Weird, nothing happens. No, a 16 will do it. In the sky and all around you, a rhythmic beat that you can't quite place, but you know is somehow familiar. And it sounds like... Freddie is joined in the beat. This is insane. And it repeats, and it gets faster.

And then the sky opens up, and you see fire and flame, and you see three shadowy figures. One...

on a guitar, a young boy with horns and a cool fucking skateboard. One who looks like a cop, but he's got a fucking cool whip. Nice. A cop who's got a cool whip. The monster I gave him just has a whip. And then you see spinning the discs in front of them, a figure that is very familiar to you. And the song resolves itself and you hear the song that is being spun.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. Yeah! We're... So, Glenn, from hell. Yes! Dragged in by Jody and his son, half-son Nick, and he screams out to the crowd, he's like, yeah!

Yeah, boy! Let's get him! I think that anyone in earshot is getting bardic inspiration. Okay, that's not how bardic inspiration works, but... Wait, is it... Wait, am I playing music, though? I'm playing Christmas music. Yeah, but bardic inspiration says choose a creature, and then... But, like, whatever. But they're listening to it, though. Yeah, no, I mean, I...

I'm on your side here. I'm just letting you know what Gary Gajax from the grave is going through. But he's not just a bard anymore. He came back from hell. Wait, he's dead? Yeah, Gary Gajax is dead. We're still playing? Like, like... Daryl! Daryl, is Daryl out there? No, this is Grant. I'll put...

I'll pass on the information, though. This is definitely Grant. Tell Daryl good news. I died and I went to hell. And then I brought Christmas music to hell. I ended Christian hell with Christmas music. In the portal behind Glenn, you can see a bunch of demons, but they're all dressed like Mormons. They've all just got the nice button-up white shirt and a black tie. And they're like, yeah, we just didn't know about Christ. Yeah, it turns out. It turns out. He had no idea. He just bought hell, everybody. He just needs some Christmas music.

Christmas is awesome. That's our whole thing now. Through the light of Christ, I ended hell. Daryl stares in the mirror at himself and he goes,

Glenn's the best dad. And then Henry looks up and says, Glenn's the best dad. All God had to do was just tell him about Christmas. Kind of jacked up, if you think about it. Makes you wonder why he didn't do that in the first place. Anyway, that's my next song. Ron, like, says this to himself, but accidentally into the microphone. Glenn's way better at Christmas music than I am. I'd like to introduce to you all the demon cop that I'm raising my kid with, Jodie Foster. What's up?

Oh, shit! Hi, Jimmy. I mean, hey, Jody. Hey, buddy. Oh, man. Long time, Mr. Scent. Mr. Scent? How much did you like each other? You think demons like companionship? No, we're like feral kind of beings, you know, scent. So that's why you're like, Ron, this is smell?

Ron definitely smells better than everyone here. That's like an easy, easy answer. That's actually the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. Oh, nice. Everything I felt about love coming into this moment was wrong. All I care about is if people like the way I smell. You smell great, Ron. Well, if it's Ron, then I don't want to be right. There are kids screaming in the distance.

Oh, looks like we have a bit of a schenundrum on our hands here. Yep, that's what we call them in hell, schenundrum. That's what little Nikki says. Jodi, first off, glad you're back. And then second, could you go get those kids so that we can blow them up without hurting them? So what do you want to do, Jodi? Okay, I'm going to take to the air and fly off to try to rescue the kids. So basically the sky fills with arrows.

as they see a hell demon coming at them, the guards that are stationed around these towers. - Glenn, do you want to do the honors of dropping this beat? - Off microphone, I whisper, "It's gonna set off the bomb." So if you just like, you know, click here, you detonate the bomb. So could you do that? - That's okay, I've been watching you all from hell. - That's so beautiful.

Glenn, we're so happy to see you again. Oh, yeah, it's good to see you guys. Things are a little bit complicated right now. I found Nick in hell and still working out exactly how I'm going to fit into his half-demon life. But hey, you know what? Hey, Nick, you want to blow this thing up? So Nick has been playing a sweet guitar like the entire time you've been talking. And when you say, do you want to blow this up? He goes...

No, I don't. I want us to blow this shit up. Let's raise the roof on this motherfucker. Or bring it down, depending. Well, I guess both. Either one. Three, two, one. Just to clarify, we did get the kids out, though. Oh, we got to wait? Okay, no, we can vamp. Okay, it's okay. I got a loop function on this. We'll do the refrain a couple more times. Fuck yeah. Merry Christmas. Nick Jr. Rat, you want to come hang out here? Yeah, Nick Jr. The Rat comes up and seeing Demon Hellglen, probably.

probably just scampers up on the shoulders like, oh, hey, hey, Nick Jr. Hey, this is Nick. Yeah, you know what? Nick Jr. scampers up onto your shoulder and because you're on fire and a demon, he immediately immolates and lights on fire. And goes to hell. But then goes to hell and comes back on his shoulder as demon Nick Jr. And he's like, skiiiit! Throwing up the devil horns. Nick Jr., this was a surrogate wrath. That was you because I was grieving. Trauma takes...

And he fucking does a sick guitar solo. And he goes, I understand, Dad. I mean, half Dad. I mean, sort of Dad. Uncle Dad. Whatever. Glenn. Hell yeah. What's important is I'm going to be in your life now. Yeah, in some way. You see Jody...

swooping and dodging arrows as best he can. But the thing that he can't dodge as easily is this two dimensional dragon that unfettered by the high winds where they're flying is just on his ass like a bad habit. You're going to give me a dexterity roll for each tower to see if you can grab the kids on that tower. So go ahead and just give me four dexterity rolls back to back.

All right, that's a 14, a 9, a 16, and a 17. Jody grabs the first three kids, and the dragon bites at him twice with his multi-attack. He grabs another group of kids. The dragon just slashes at him with his claws and hits him with his tail. He grabs the third group of kids, and the dragon breathes fire on him. And then as he grabs the fourth group of kids, the dragon actually crit fails on its last attempt. So Jimmy, you have an opportunity to attack. Booyah.

So I'm going to use my whip and I'm going to pull as hard as I can to take it out of the air and have it go crashing towards the ground. Nice. 19. And the dragon falls down to the ground. It doesn't do a lot of damage, but now he is on the ground and Walter's like, this is where I come in. And then extremely slowly, the crab's like...

she's like a half hour he's fucking toast okay so now that they've seen demons and dragons and all this kind of stuff dungeons it is very clear that the people in the stronghold know that they are about to be under attack and as Jody lands I assume it's now Glenn's moment Glenn and Joe and Glenn and Nick's moment so he got all the kids he got all the kids they're on the ground one of the kids is Gunner Duckworth and he sees big Peyton's dead body and he goes like

Fuck you, I won. That's who you saved. Isn't that wild? Isn't it crazy you saved that kid? Dude, I didn't think we would hear from old Gunnar Duckworth. That's one off the checklist for the finale. It's like at the end of Billy Madison where he's like, I'm glad I called Billy.

That was a lot of energy we just wasted for people we didn't really care about. Ron! Ron, that's the difference between us and our shitty dads. I think that's it as Ron. Beth! Beth May in another plane, there was a Beth who said something, and that's the difference between us and these shitty dads. Yeah, same canon. That Beth is like, oh, I hate kids.

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All right, it's time to blow up these towers. Hey, Jody, you want to help press the button or what? Hell yeah. And so I'm going to take my hand above Nikki's, Nikki's hand below mine, and then we're all going to three interlock fingers together. The ultimate. Wait, what's the actual shit going on over here? It's like non-Euclidean geometry. Anyone who looks at it immediately loses their mind. Yeah, they have to take a Sandy roll.

And then we're going to hit the drop. And all four towers simultaneously, the ground beneath them detonates and the ground that is supporting those towers just suddenly disappears and all of them drop 20 feet and lull to the side and they break in half and the crystals atop them hit the ground and they shatter into a thousand pieces. And you see that big purplish pinkish dome that was surrounding the stronghold.

And corpses of 12 other kids per tower. Yeah. I assumed he would like go in like physically. There was three on every floor. Oh, God. Ron, now it's your turn and kick the mic over to him. All right. I take the mic.

Yeah, so that's the conclusion. Bye. I'm Ron. I wish that we could have given you more, but unfortunately, corporate, who is right over there, they're the businessmen, if you will, of this whole operation. They have said that I can't perform anymore, and then also there's no food that we promised you, and that also you can't get home. Your airfare is very expensive. Please avail yourself of some of the cheese sandwiches we have over there. They're great. They're just bread.

There's no cheese. Courtesy of Crunchies. Courtesy of the people over there. So if you have any complaints or anything like that, like I know I do. I know I have some complaints. Yeah, it would go over there in that direction. Roll persuasion or deception. Okay, so I rolled a 16 plus 3 for persuasion. That'll do it. When they hear that there's no food, when they hear that the food sucks...

They get pissed. All of them get pissed. What do you mean no food? We were promised high Amron and food and we got high Amron. We're pretty psyched about that. High Amron is always delivered as a live show experience, but fucking no food. Also, you paid a lot for yurts. We did pay a lot for yurts. Where are the yurts? They all turn on what they believe to be corporate headquarters. They go, let's go give up a piece of our minds as a group. They start charging towards the stronghold. Okay, so as the crowd is thundering past the tree that Henry is perched in, I cast Annalise.

animal shapes on the crowd. Your magic turns others into beasts. Choose any number of willing creatures that you can see within range. You transform them each into the form of a large or smaller beast with a challenge rating of four or lower. Now, here's the rub with that. Because Dungeons & Dragons doesn't make any sense, there are no large beasts in

at level four challenge rating. What the fuck? So what I'd like to do is elephants are technically a size above large, but I'd like to use elephant stats and say they're large creatures for the purpose of our operation here. That is fine. Okay. So here are the stats. So how many people is it? Yeah, no, you ended up with about 100 people. And so basically how this works, this is like when I do wild shapes. So they get these hit points on top of their normal hit points. And so like when they get to zero, they turn back human. Yes, they turn back to human and they're not unconscious when they turn back to human. Okay, so AC 12, 6,

76 hit points as they rush by. Henry leaps onto the front elephant and

Drops down from the tree and that the other druids are in the crowd as well because they're going to be casting healing spells and buffs and stuff. Fucking cool. Okay, so I wait for all the elephants to rush by. I jump on one in the back. Ron hops on that same elephant but hides under the elephant. And I say, hey, Ron, remember the cool plan we came up with? I remember it. An elephant always never free. Wait, fuck. Fuck.

Daryl's seeing the stampede has started. He turns on the headlights and he starts honking fiercely. He peels out and he starts screaming things that he thinks teens would say. He goes, woo, we're proud of our dads. Oh, wow. I hope Willie doesn't see us. Woo, making noise. That music was great. Not as cool as those BTS kids or Minecraft, but love them. Woo.

And he's just driving around trying to get their attention. From their perspective, they're seeing a charge and then they're seeing a minivan. They're seeing a minivan separate from the charge like it's trying to sneak in or something. Yeah. I'm just trying to think of like what do you roll for that because it's not intimidation. You could do persuasion. Okay, yeah. Actually, either those. Or deception or performance. 17. 17.

So you see on the battlements, the familiar face of the lance pointing down at your van. He goes, they're there. I think this was my voice as the lance. They're there. Those bastards, they're trying a flanking maneuver. Hey, hey, move the catapult. You need to get that fucking van. Shit.

As I also started driving after I do my incredible performance that they completely bought, I whisper into my leaf and I check in on Sweet Matilda to see how the beer went. So the plan was that she was trying to poison everybody with like sleepy time beer or something? So she says, I'm sorry, Daryl. I tried to drug them with the sleepy time beer, but they caught me. I had to pretend like I was just mixing a drink for myself and I had to drink it and I fell asleep for a

Okay, but are you okay? I'm okay. My cover's not blown or anything like that because I wrote it okay. But I did at least get a chance to check out what you called the nuclear... Oh, fuck, I forgot there's a nuclear bomb. Oh my god, that's right, there's a nuclear bomb. Yeah, so it seems like whenever Willy wants to, they can press a button and basically start a countdown. And once that's happened...

It's very difficult, if not impossible, to disarm it. Where's the button? Is it on a remote thing? There's just one remote that Willy has to the bomb. I think if he thinks he's going to lose, he might press it and start the countdown. He has it on his body. He has it on him, yeah. It's in his belt. Shit. I think we should probably go into initiative. Give me initiative rolls, everybody. 6 plus 6, 12 for Demon Glenn. I got 12 plus 4, 16. 19 plus 1, that's a 20. I got a 17. Okay.

So now we are officially in.

Before the battle, I cast Enhance Ability on my fellow dads. And so you touch a creature and bestow upon it a magical enhancement. Choose one of the following effects. The targets gain that effect until the spell's end. I cast Eagle's Splendor on Ron and on Daryl, which gives them advantage on charisma checks. Great. First off is, unfortunately, Radiolab, who rolled a natural 20. Radiolab the dragon. Damn. Nobody even remembers who you are. Wait, wait, okay? All right. Click clack. I'm going to make you a snack. Um...

Beth's a Radiolab listener. We have Beth here. Cool kids. Okay. All right. Then I say something that's provably untrue, but sounds really cool. All right. Radiolab sees a sea of elephants coming towards the walls. Okay, so it is going to use its fire breath on the elephants, and the elephants are going to have to make a DC 24 dexterity saving throw. Fuck, are you kidding me? DC 24?

Yeah. How many of the elephants? It's in a cone. So let's say there's 100 elephants. Let's say this is going to get 20. We'll say 20. And the druids are all elephants? The druids are druids. They're running amongst the elephants. All right. So I will say that because it's a cantrip,

They cast Guidance on all the elephants. Okay. They can add a D4 to any ability check. Cool. So let's just save that for now. Remember, people also have a D12 of Bardic Inspiration. Okay, so everyone's got Bardic Inspiration. So they're going to roll a D20 and a D4 and a D12, and they got a 15. Oh my God! I'm really sorry. That's what it is. Good Lord! All right. All right. So 20 of these elephants, each of which have...

76 HP, so they don't go down at least. They get a face full of fire from Radiolab the dragon, and they stumble to the ground and they stop, and some of the elephants behind them are like, and it's a bit of a pileup, and some have to climb over, some jump over, but very quickly the rest of the elephants realize, oh, we should probably go around them. Some of the elephants in the back run, because they were told this was going to be corporate sponsorship, not a dragon. So you're basically down to let's say 80 elephants, of which 20 are pretty fucking singed.

They take a lot of damage, but they don't die. So 10 ran and 10 are out of commission. Yes. Okay. And now it is either Daryl or Autumn's turn, depending on who you would like. Obviously, Willie's not going to want the kids to die. And we've said that they've bought that this car is full of the kids. Yes. So actually, I was thinking Daryl seeing the dragon wipe out a bunch of these elephants and realizing that Willie's not going to want these kids to get killed, drives towards the dragon and using the first of Glenn's grenades, winds up and throws it at the dragon's head. Okay.

Go ahead and give me a range attack roll. No matter what's going to hit the dragon, the question is, does it hit his head? If I wind up, what's the benefit? If you wind up, you'll get, let's say, advantage on the damage. You have to roll damage. I'm going to do one wind up for Glenn, and I just can't roll a one. Just don't roll a one. I think it was one and two because you have two nuts, remember?

three you literally rolled the lowest possible thing you could have rolled so i rolled a three not so easy is it huh daryl daryl daryl so i was gonna hit so i roll a range attack yeah and we didn't say how much damage these grenades no we did not decide that you could use a scroll of fireball as your comparison right yeah yeah yeah find that scroll of fireball is 86 86 we made explosive grenades all right so roll 86 and then take that sum and then put it aside in your head and then roll another 86 whichever those sums is bigger that's the one we'll use the first 86 is 26 26

30. Ooh, there you go. All right. So Radiolab takes 30 damage. And since I have two attacks, I'm going to throw two of my five grenades. So I'm going to do that again. Okay. Daryl's feeling pretty good. Now this time you have to avoid a one or two or three. Okay. I'm feeling like he's back in his baseball days. All right. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Okay. Nice. Nice. Not bad. So I roll 86 again. 18. So 25. So overall I did 55 damage. Okay.

How much HP does it have? He starts with 500. I don't like that. Oh, we flashback. I forgot. I was, I swear to God, I was going to say this and I forgot. Okay. The last thing when Daryl was about to drive off, he was literally pulling out and Henry said, oh shit, Daryl, wait. And then I grabbed the katana of Kant and give it to Daryl. And I say, you might need to throw this at somebody, my good man. What did you call me?

Okay. So, yes, I hold on to it. And Daryl's definitely pretty wary of this. He doesn't like talking philosophy, so he's a little wary of this blade. So I've got the blade in the car. Yes, Ben, you can cut its HP in half.

And you can throw it with pinpoint accuracy. So that's why. Wow. That's why I was like fucking. Yeah. I was like, fuck. Okay, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, but first it was the distraction. So yes, I did the 55 damage. It was less about the damage than distracting it. And then I'm like turning the car around and trying to drive away. Cool. That's your turn then. Yeah, you damaged him and you were driving away. And the catapult is still tracking you essentially. Okay, now it's Autumn's turn. She's a stride and elephant.

And she's going to use Call Lightning as a third level spell. She's going to use her one seventh level spell slot. So what this does is a storm cloud appears in the shape of a cylinder that is 10 feet tall with a 60 foot radius centered on a point you can see within range directly above you. So when you cast a spell, you choose a point and then basically a bolt of lightning flashes down from the cloud and each creature within that five feet at that point has to make a dexterity saving throw. The creature takes 3d10 damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one.

This is literally Pikachu's attack in Super Smash Bros. Yeah, literally. Yeah. She's going to look up at the battlements where the Lance is talking shit and trying to direct the catapult. Oh, nice. And she's going to call down lightning on him. He's going to try to save and his 10 friends, six of the 11 members of Lance's faction. So there's the Lance and his 10 buddies. They are going to take 3D10 lightning damage as the sky opens up above them and a bolt of lightning strikes directly between all of them.

Okay, so that's 16 damage, and I decided beforehand that since you met them when you were first level, they all had 15 HP. Oh, shit! So, hell yeah, Mom! Six of them are now dead. Hey, kids, let that be a lesson. Level one right now, as time goes on, make sure you keep physically active, you know? Make sure you do your stretches every night, you know, try yoga a little bit. Make sure you're limber. Otherwise, you'll be under-leveled in the fight later on in your life.

Six of the Lance's men are just fucking straight up fried. The Lance himself just barely managed to evade. So they take half damage. So they were pretty wounded, but they're not dead. And that was Autumn's turn as she continues to ride towards the glory. Next is Bill Close. You see Bill climb to the top of the battlements and he looks down at this horde of elephants and he sees Henry riding a stride one.

And he sees the corpse of Payton. And he goes, you pieces of shit. You pieces of shit. You killed my son. And he points at Payton's corpse and he uses animate dead. He thinks that you killed Glenn. What? So he is going to animate Payton's body. And so big Payton is going to lurch up and go. They're doing our baby boy dirty. Oh, my God.

We got to go tell Bill that it was Willie that killed Glenn. Now it is Henry's turn. We haven't reached the wall yet. No, the elephants unfortunately rolled pretty bad. So they're going to be one of the last groups to go. Henry is going to cast hold person on Payton. Okay. The target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or be paralyzed for the duration and the duration is concentration up to one minute. At the end of each of its turns, the target can make another wisdom saving throw. I only want to cast this on Payton. So I'm going to use this at my first level spell slot.

So Massive Zombie Payton fails his... This is so dark just thinking about the fact that we were having so much fun with him and now he's a big old zombie. Massive Zombie Payton fails his wisdom saving throw and he's held tight and stays in position. He's... It's like when the genie in Aladdin is like, sorry, kid. Like at the end.

So yeah, he is held fast. Nice. Nice save. Now it is going to be Liz Warden and her knight's turn. They're going to hold. Liz Warden's here. They're going to hold until you breach the wall. So they're not going to do anything. Now it is Ron's turn. I might want to hold my turn. Just tell me when you want to jump in, then we'll just do it. Okay. Now the trees are going to join as well. What did you suggest that Aaron and her trees do? Everybody's goal is to breach the wall. Okay. Very Lord of the Rings. Very Ents versus the wall. Yeah. We're trying to tear this wall.

probably like moving the roots in to like screw up the foundation and the dirt below chucking rocks back at the catapults that might be kind of cool oh that's fine okay cool so there's 20 treants they each have like 155 hp they're actually pretty strong the rest of the forest was just like we'll sit this one well we'll be fine we don't all want to die because a lot of them are like we don't know these fucking guys um 10 of them are going to try to throw rocks over the wall and hope they hit the catapult and 10 of them are going to start wailing on the wall i

I will do the rolls for that. And that is three natural 20s in a single run of 10 rolls. What? Wow. Those are the trees that were throwing rocks. And so three of them fucking nat 20 and you hear a crunching noise and you hear, fuck! From the top on the battlement, the lance is like, come on, fix it! They manage to break the catapult. Hell yes. The other two are going to wail on this fucking wall.

A lot of them find that their branches can't make much of a dent in the denser rock. Uh, maybe if they had enough time, you know, grow inside of it and sort of eat it away from within and stuff. They could do more, but only a couple of the trees managed to really make much of a dent in the wall. They pull out cobblestones and they, you can even see through some of the cobblestones inside at some of the, you know, some of the nights and stuff that are in there preparing. But, uh, that is their turn. Every bit counts team. Every bit counts. Dad killer. It is his turn. Uh,

And you hear, bleh! And a bat flies over the top of the battlements. It's going to drop down onto the battlefield and

and then turn itself from that form into vampire form, which I believe takes an action. So he steps down and he goes, well, that is. So we meet again. If you don't recognize me as a character, you may want to watch the live show that we did because that's where I'm from. Which is available on our Patreon. Available on our Patreon. If you didn't listen to the live show, he's a vampire who doesn't like the daddies. Doesn't matter. From the crowd, you hear an elephant be like, show out. Yeah.

Eeny, meeny, miny, henny. I will get you first for that daylight shenanigans, you piece of shit. But that's his whole turn. Now it is Sweet Matilda's turn. You can't see her. She's on the other side of the wall. She's doing something with somebody. I'm going to roll. Okay. I'll know what she's doing. Want to do something with somebody? You hear her cry out in pain.

No! So the Oakvalley is going to hold their turn until the elephants have their turn. Now it's the elephant's turn, incidentally. The elephants, oh wait, there's 80 of them? I forgot there's 80 of them. They annihilate the fucking wall. 80 elephants, even when like 10% of them just get natural ones and just fall over their own feet, the rest of them collide into this wall with all this force. A lot of it being terror from the fucking dragon.

And they knock out a lot of the foundational stones that are keeping that wall up because it's really just a bunch of bricks placed on top of one another. And they fucking collapse the wall. And so now there is this big pile of bricks and mortar and stone that you'll still have to sort of climb over, but it's not going to be hard.

Now there's an opening into the center of the Stronghold, and you can see the three-ring circus. You see the portal that you initially came through is now physically visible. It's no longer invisible. You see Willy and Bill. Not Bill anymore, because he was actually on the... He falls off the fucking wall as the elephants trample it. He falls to the ground. You don't see him. But you can see Barry and Willy. They're in their own circles, and they are concentrating and seeming to cast some sort of closure spell. Empowering a J.O. Crystal. Yeah.

to close the portal. What is the three ring circus again? So basically they're just each in their own little like zone. So you don't have to like jump in and fight all three of them at once. Um, they're each other. They basically have created like summoning circles or like spell circles to enhance their spell casting abilities because this entire time they've been trying to close the portal back to your world so they can have an easier time getting to your, and Willie knows that the three ring circus works cause it glows when he was, um,

casting spells with one of his homies. Yeah. Okay, so that was the elephants. So the Oakvalians are going to spend their turns healing up as many of the elephants as they can. A lot of cure wounds and a lot of spell slots being expended, but that's okay. So you still got 80 elephants roughly. You know, if you fall down, let's say. So let's say you're down to 70. Can I, I don't know if there's a bonus action or whatever. Can I tell the fallen elephants to run to get out of here? Yeah, go for it. My fallen brothers, leave! Flee this place!

Thanks for your help, though. Cool. Come back next year. It'll be another festival. Thanks for coming. Sorry the food wasn't there. All right. We have a big pile of Fyre Festival t-shirts. Yes. Just merch bags. That will be merchandise that will be really valuable. Oh, Glenn is definitely selling his CD on the way out.

Glenn's like, hey, drop me off. Put me at the merch table. So now it is going to be Barry's turn. Barry Oak, as always, is the master of calm. And he just continues to meditate and move into downward dog.

and do sun pose and stuff while he... Downward Dog does sun pose is not a good flow. No, it's not good. But you know what? He makes it work. He makes it work. He is going to call lightning with a ninth level with his phone. Oh my God. He's going to do it with a ninth level spell slot. A storm cloud is going to appear in the shape of a cylinder that's 10 feet tall with a 60 foot radius and it's going to be centered. Let's say Barry is going to target the elephant that Ron and Henry are both on.

- Not Bilferson the elephant, our beloved elephant. - Who makes cute noises. - It does make cute noises. It's gonna make even cuter noises when it's getting fucking fried. - Oh my god. - So basically a storm cloud appears over you and you are both going to make a dexterity saving throw. - Four.

Henry rolled a 14. Both of you, unfortunately, are going to take a 9d10 damage. And as Barry calls this lightning down from the sky, everything goes really quiet before the lightning strikes. And in that quiet, you can just hear him go, move through your vinyasa. And that calm is almost more irritating than the 9d10 of damage you were about to take. Jeez Louise!

I just rolled one and it was actually a pretty good number that I'm okay with. Yeah? It was 45 total. Okay, so you take 45 damage. Yeah. Wait, I rolled for me too. I take 34 damage. Oh, also the elephant. Bilverson. Yeah. Henry, to your horror, I guess, you know what cooking elephant smells like. Oh, no. And it's pretty good, unfortunately. What? What? What? It doesn't kill him yet. It's like he slows to a trot for a second and goes like... Like the frog in boiling water. Yeah.

Yeah. And then he basically kind of tries to shake it off, and it just keeps going, and he's slowly still limping forward. He's still got some fight left in him. He's still alive. Gilperson, you're so brave. Onward! It's like Solid Snake. Yeah, in Metal Gear Solid 4. Glenn, it's your turn now. So I think Glenn is hitching a ride on Jody's feet, and he's going to have him drop him off because he saw his dad pop up. He was like, that son of a bitch.

All right. Dad slash Bill. So when you say dad slash Bill, you hear like, and it's like nearby under a couple of stones. You can see his hand, the very noticeable hand of Bill Close there, and you can pull him out. Even under a pile of rubble, it's doing the fucking horns. So Glenn, I think, drops off from Jody, lands in the blade pose. Of course. Yeah. Classic. Real quick, just going to...

eight it's not the best blade pose it's not even a good one that is a sub-average blade pose that's what you know it's that you land and both hands are up it's like ah shit right one goes down and i strut over to the rubble where i see his hand i said i'm still alive you piece of shit how are you and you see him push through some of the rubble and just he clears enough from around his face that he can see and he goes what the

You look metal as fuck. I want to stand over him and say, well, you fucking sentenced me to die. You became part of the system that you said that you were against. You are the man. I know, man. I know. I sold out. I thought I could make this work. I can outsmart Willie. I just got to get to the right position of power and then I'll make my coup and I'll fix everything. And before I could do that,

It turned out you had died and your friends had killed you and I fucked up. My friends didn't kill me. What? What do you mean? You killed me, you son of a bitch. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, you know, all that. All that stuff. Metaphor, I'm responsible. Into the leaf, Ron is like, well, maybe tell him the whole thing. You're not there? This is the conversation they're having. We have the leaf. I set my leaf to mute. What?

This is me between me and my dad. That character, man, is like, great, tell me that Willie killed him, please. God damn it, Clint, kick up the lead. This is good. And he goes like, you're right. It was fucking my bad. I thought I was smarter than I was. Willie killed me, bro. Well, you metaphorically did. Willie literally did, just to clarify the sequence of events. That piece of shit. I'm going to persuade you that that was the case. Yep, go for it. 31. Oh, yeah, that makes way more sense.

Why would your friends kill you? I can't believe I'm so fucking stupid. I thought I was smart. It turns out I'm so fucking stupid. I thought I was being clever, but I was really just doing the easiest thing. Anytime something came up, I always chose the fucking easy path. Fucking stupid. Stupid. I'm so sorry, Glenn. I'm sorry you're dead. Less sorry that you look fucking metal as shit, though. Very fucking cool. You are an aberration on this world, my friend. If you want to kill me,

Oh, shit, yeah, I do. Oh, okay, well then, I mean, I didn't think you would say that. This seems really weird now. A lot of the energy kind of got, a lot of the air out of this balloon. Yeah, I didn't expect you would actually be so psyched to kill me, and then I thought that you were friends had killed you, so you would see my point of view a little bit better. Not really. Fuck, did I ruin this even? I ruined us? Fucking, oh, fuck. You know what? You and me, we maybe could have worked in another life, but this one... Okay.

Not like romantically. Hold on, let me just... Ron, not like romantically. Sorry. Your leaf has shitty mute skills. You know what? You're right. Things sound like you're going well over there. Good job, Glenn. We're all counting on you. Guys, did you hear that? Whatever you need from me to make it right, I ain't gonna argue with you anymore. You were right and I was fucking wrong. I was a bad dad. You're a piece of shit. You wanna know how you make it up to me? How? And I draw my...

Demon gun. Because it's a demon gun now. It's on fire. It looks very cool. It's very Devil May Cry. Yeah, do you remember the video game Devil May Cry? Yeah, it's Devil May Cry. I thought you were going to be like, do you remember the human gun? No. Remember, I'm Glenn. I used to use guns a lot. Do you guys remember? I only used it, like, it wasn't that big of a joke, but a while ago I had a human gun. Also, Devil May Cry is not dead, Freddie. That franchise is still alive and well. I don't remember anything. Okay, so this is what you see, the camera shot. You see Bill's hand, like,

up from the rubble, and then you see a demon gun. Enter frame, point down right at him. The hammer pulls back, and then another hand comes next to the gun and says, you're gonna fucking help me kill Willy if it's the last thing you fucking do, you piece of shit. And he goes...

Yeah. No, fuck. Fuck, Willie. Fuck, Willie. And maybe once he's dead, you and I could maybe take over. And I just to whip him with. OK, you know what? That's on me. That's my bad. That's my bad. I didn't learn. I didn't learn. I should have. No, you know what? I'll follow your lead on this. But yeah, no, let's fuck it. Let's fuck him up. You're a piece of shit. You know that. But even pieces of shit can be useful sometimes. And I pull him out. All right. You used to be a real piece of shit.

It is going to be everything's turn and everything is going to see that the big hole in the wall where there used to be a wall, everything is going to decide to stretch themselves out and try to fill that space and rebuild the wall. And they rolled a 14. They don't hate you. They just they get paid. I think Glenn is a bribe. Everything. Do demons have money? I don't know. They definitely have Bitcoin. Yeah, not with that added. They have. Wait, wait. Dead people have.

Crypto. Crypto. Crypto. You get an inspiration for that. Heck yeah. Okay, so everything stretches themselves kind of thin, but manages to fill up the big hole with their fleshy form. Their fleshy wall tape ass form. So I said I would help you, but if they start slashing at me and cuts happen, I'm gone. I gave you, you know. Oh, that's not wall then.

I just say, I don't want it to hurt you. Just don't be a dick. Just pay me. They are aware that there's a lot of rampaging elephants right here, right? Yeah. They're not thinking this through. I think they're a teen also, if I remember correctly. Oh, no. So now it is on to the kids. So the kids are in their van hiding. Do you want them doing anything? How many turns does it take them to get from there to the portal? So maybe it was a clear. Say like two. Okay. So yeah, they're not driving yet. No.

Okay, so they're just hanging out. Now, the bounty hunters, they're just the rando bounty hunters that he hired. They see that the Oakvalians have been healing the elephants, and so they just know, because they're professional killers, if you're ever in a combat situation, you always target the healers first. So 30 bounty hunters are going to try to... 30 bounty hunters? Yeah, sorry. They're going to shoot arrows at 20 Oakvalians. We'll see how it goes. Stop. Stop.

What if they don't? What if not that? So about half of them actually hit. So we'll say that's like 2d8 of missile damage from the crossbow bolts that they send. Kind of like at the end of fucking Hero, they all aim in the same basic direction and then they loose at the same time. So it's just a fucking wave of projectiles going through the sky towards the Oakvallians who go, "'Steadfast! Steadfast!'

The missiles pepper the ground around them and some of the Oakvallians take arrows to the chest or to the leg or to the arm. But as far as you can tell, they are still standing. They're all bloodied. They're in a bad shape, but they are still standing. They're still alive. And they go, is that the best you got? Oh my God. And now it'll be MPAA and the Redbrand trailers. Jesus Christ.

We did a lot of shit in this podcast, huh? Yeah. Oh, boy. Pissed off a fair few people. So they're probably worried about the crabmech because they've never seen anything like that before. So they're going to go ahead and aim their crossbows and fire at the crabmech. Oh, you touch wall time. Oh, my God. Fucking let's see what arrows do to a tough steel tank. Am I right?

Am I right? Sure. If any of them critted, they would have gotten through, but not a single one of them critted. So 20 volleys of arrows fly at Walter in his crab mech, and they all plink harmlessly off the sides, and it is now Walter's turn. He goes, it's Walter time. And he is going to charge toward the downed dragon, and he's going to grapple the dragon and prevent it from taking off. Oh, there we go. There we go. Walter knows what he's doing. An 18 and a natural to the windhage.

Walter goes, this is for 10 years. And he, um, lashes out with the two claws, grabs it by its pixelated neck and it's pixelated tail. And he just slams it down onto the ground. And this thing is grappled and it cannot take off unless it, uh, escapes on its turn. It's like a big paperweight. It's a very big paperweight.

And now, finally, in the initiative, it is Willy. Willy is just going to... Willy roll the lowest. Willy roll a natural one. Oh, did somebody have a bad dream? We already won. We already won. Somebody had a bad dream? That's great. All right. The way that this portal thing is going to work is that basically any of the Omega Daddies can essentially roll an attack against the portal. The portal is going to have its own separate HP. Once that portal goes to zero, the portal is finito. It is done. It is destroyed. And you will never get back to Earth.

So on Willy's turn, he is going to cast an attack against the portal and he is going to do 73 damage, which is a lot.

For the portal? For the portal. What does he do to it? What does he do? Is he like swinging his shit around? So he closes his eyes and when he opens his eyes again, they're black and he just like fucking points at the portal and a beam of just purple hatred just shoots out of his finger and glances through the portal and you can see the portal like react like almost as if in pain and it shrinks down a little bit. Is it bloody? Is it bloody? Is it bloody? More than half the portal's HP is gone. What the shit? Does it have a sound effect? Yeah, it goes...

Now we're back up to Radiolab. He's going to try to escape. And he does. And he kills Walter. He fails. Gravel creature can still attack. So pixelated Radiolab the dragon is still pinned to the ground, but it's going to go ahead and lash out with its multi attack against Walter and the crab. Oh, God, I forgot. It has three attacks. So it's going to bite and then use each of his claws once. And both of them are plus 17 to hit. Yeah, all three of them hit. Oh.

They're going to do 56 damage. Okay. His

His claws slash through the metal of the crab's apparatus, opening a gash across its belly. And its bite crunches down on the head of the crab, like in the same place that you'd put a knife in a lobster to kill it instantly kind of thing. It takes a lot of damage. It's not looking great, but it is still a move in. How much HP does the crab have? So the crab started with 215 and just took 56. So now it's Autumn's turn. I'm going to hold her turn until you all do something because she's also got healing spells and stuff.

Okay. Okay. So now it's Daryl's turn. I want to drive into the fortress. Okay. As I'm driving, I'm going to throw the sword as an attack at the dragon. Okay. And since I have perfect throw, I'm going to like literally throw it to like dig into the ground right within arm's reach of Walter. Okay. Into the ground or into the monster? Well, into the dragon where the dragon's pinned on the ground. The dragon's a piece of paper. Oh, that.

That's right, I forgot it's two dimensional. You are almost certainly going to miss unless you are right next to it and you know how to do it. Hold on, hold on, hold on. The dragon is flat on the ground though. That's true, yeah. You just have to like arc it up in the right way. If I'm going to drive over the dragon, just throw it straight down. Okay, great. Yeah, sure. So as you unsheathe it, you hear the familiar voice of the Katana of Khan going, what are we doing today? Who are we going to kill?

I mean, we're killing a vicious dragon. That's one of the main bad guys that's trying to stop. You say he's a bad guy. What makes it such a bad guy? Do you think children should be allowed to go home?

Yes, of course. Okay, well, these dragons... Here's the question. Did he choose this life? Do you know for certain? The dragon? Yes. I mean, does anybody choose their life ever? That is a fair question. At the end of the day... If anything, that is an argument against killing anyone. At the end of the day, you're just responsible for your own actions. And right now, this dragon is trying to kill my good friend and is trying to stop me and the fellow dads from getting home and bringing our children home to their mothers and our families. All right, roll persuasion. Remember, you have eagle's charisma or whatever. Eagle's splendor. What do I get? I get advantage? You get advantage on charisma checks.

Oh, well, that was a 17. So the Catan of Count says, you make a very fair point. Children are the future. We know this to be true. And so it is far more important to save the lives of your many children than this person, regardless of how sad their backstory may be. And who knows? It may not be. So, yeah, you drive over. And I think this is because you're not throwing. It's not a spiral thing. You will have to make a dexterity check, see if you can time it properly to drop it on things. Oh, 18 plus one. Great. Nice. So you perfectly...

Walter, this sword's for you and just tell it you're a good guy. Just, you know, believe in yourself. Okay, I'm a good guy. You'll get it when you pick it up. Okay, so whatever. So Radiolab shrieks in static pain as... Dude, it becomes 4-bit? Oh, man.

I don't even know what that would look like, but sure. Yeah, yeah, you have its bits. This looks like a Game Boy Dragon. Yeah, so it's now only two colors, and yeah, it shrieks in pain as you throw the Katana of Khan directly into its form, and it goes from 446 HP to 223. All right, all right. That'll be one attack. I mean, I could, like, move and then attack.

Yeah. And then continue to use the movement and attack him? Yeah. Okay, so yeah. So I scream to Aaron to have her trees make some sort of ramp to help me over the rubble of the wall. She goes, got it! Operation ramp, everybody. So on her turn, that will happen. I guess in that case, I'm just essentially kind of in that area waiting for the ramp to appear for her turn. Then I'll use my second attack to...

Who are the guys that are most okay for me just to throw a grenade and blow them up? You got like 10 Redbrand trailers and MPAA left. You got like 10 bounty hunters. You got four of the Lance's men and the Lance himself. So I think earlier I may have said 20 or 30. That's actually their HP. That's not how many there are. So yeah, there's not that many.

The water mice were the good guys. Water mice were the good guys. They're all currently elephants. Daryl wants to use his passive perception to be like, who's the most dangerous of these? Definitely the bounty hunters. Okay. So yeah, Daryl's going to shoot one. He has three left. He's going to throw one of his Glen grenades at the bounty hunters. Okay. Go for it. I'm going to wind up. So that means I got to not roll a four now. Yeah. You got to roll five or above. I rolled a two. Oh,

So you hit yourself in the dick with a grenade. Roll whatever the damage for that grenade is because it goes off. Oh, do I dead it? I thought we said that I was just going to punch myself in the dick. He just disappeared in John's throat because he punched himself in the dick. You punch yourself in the dick very hard with it because you didn't pull the pin yet. So I take damage of my... I should do my own unarmed strike damage against myself. Yes, unarmed strike. You're nuts.

I took 19 damage. Holy shit. Oh my God. I took 20. Grant took 28 damage. Good arm on that boy. Grant's an only child. Yeah. Wolf. Yeah. I hope you weren't planning any more kids. You want to talk about an arc? We went from a bunch of weenies to a guy who punches himself in the nuts so hard he would have insta-killed any of us at the beginning of this adventure. Ha ha ha.

28 damage. I jerked off harder than you. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, and then I throw. I still get a throw. I just get disadvantage now. Okay, so yeah. So now make a ranged attack with disadvantage. You don't get to use your spiral thing because you got that. Oh, okay. So I ranged attack with disadvantage.

Well, I mean, disadvantage. The first one I rolled was a one. Okay. Okay. Critical fail with a grenade that you pulled the pin on. That shit bobbles out of your hand into the fucking carriage of the van. Fuck. You have exactly one second.

to decide what the fuck to do. I open the automated doors and I fucking do a power drift to fucking fling that grenade out of the car. Automated doors move really slowly. I feel like also it like fell into like the passenger side seat and those doors aren't automatic so like you could lean over and just try to wrench that open. Yeah, that makes sense. So give me a dexterity check for wrenching that open. I'm so anxious. It was a natural 20.

Oh, for the first one. Okay. For the dexterity one. Okay, great. So you open the door real good. Yes! So the door is very open now. Now animal handling to see if you can get this live grenade. I got plus six on minivan handling is specifically what we called it. Okay, great. 17 plus six. Yes! All right, dude. Deja vu! You perfectly drift this shit.

and the grenade comes flying out. It doesn't hit anything really important. Yeah, it doesn't anything important because you panicked and immediately sort of swerved. But at the very least, you saved yourself from taking a tremendous amount of damage, both you and the fake kids in the fucking car because they all would have been jelly. I scream since I'm near the entrance. I'm hoping Willie can hear me. I go.

Oh, God. All the kids almost died. That would have been such a shame. I almost just grenaded all the kids. Oh, God. I'm glad my dad, Daryl, didn't see that. So it's Peyton's turn now. What is the save for getting out a whole person? It's like a wisdom save or some shit? Wisdom 18. Oh, okay. He definitely fails that. So he's just not quite wise enough to realize that the barriers are in his mind. The restraints are in his mind. He's just like... He's so sad. It's fine. He was a 60-year-old man. Now it's Bill Close's turn. So Bill Close...

says, I could come up with a plan on my own, but I'm dumb as fuck, and that's something I've learned. So, Glenn, what do you think I should do? I would just have Bill clear out all the mobs. Yeah, everything's right there, too. Yeah, tell Bill, tell everything that they're fired. That actually makes a weirdly simple amount of sense. Yeah, okay, fuck it. So, Bill gets up and he goes, everything, everything, hey, what's up? And everything, they go, I'm trying to keep myself tense so that nobody can get in. And Bill goes, uh, no, we won't be having need of your services anymore. And everything's like,

So I'm fired. And he goes, no, no, no. You're just your contracts up. But the Benny's. Yeah, they were never any Benny's. We just expected you were going to die. So, yeah. Best of luck in future endeavors. Fuck off.

And so everything's like, gee, this fucking gig economy fucking killed me. And everything goes back to their normal size. And then Bill pulls out the phone. He's like, hold on. I need to leave a tip on the app. Bad attitude. Yeah, everything goes like, okay, well, fuck it then. And just starts to walk away. Does he have another move? That was just a bonus action. He was just talking. Holy shit. So he's a bard? I didn't know this.

Bards have a ninth level spell called Power Word Kill. Yeah. I mean, everybody he would want to use that against right now has more than 100 HP, but certainly something to keep in mind. Yeah, yeah. I just want to try and use them to debuff as many of these adds as we can. If you could just like stun the whole group, that'd be great because then we just worry about the two. Okay. He's also got Psychic Scream. What the hell is that? Let's find out. Up to 10 creatures.

He can stun. Okay. How long are they still stunned? Until they save at the end of their turn. Otherwise, indefinitely. Oh, okay. Yeah. So every turn they get a chance to try. Yeah. I wanted to use that. It's not just like an area. It's like any 10 creatures. Like who do you want me to stun? Who do you want me to use this shit on? We're saying the bounty hunters are the most dangerous. I'm tired of the bounty hunters. So he'll just stun every single bounty hunter. They have to try to make a save, an intelligence saving throw. So all 10 of them will make an intelligence saving throw and they are not known for their intelligence.

two of them save. Everybody else goes like, Bill goes like, what if the green you see is like the different green? Like my blue is what you, you know what I'm saying? And you hear eight men go,

Now we are on to Liz Warden and her knights. With the wall down, you can see that they are in a phalanx formation protecting Liz Warden. We paid your taxes, Liz Warden. What do you want from us? So Liz Warden says, you paid the wealth tax, but now it's time you pay the blood tax.

And so she went, Bill Close, he's a betrayer. He's betrayed the Colossus. Fuck him up. Fuck him up. And so they... That was a bad decision on her part. She's pointing at all of them. She's pointing at everybody. Yeah, she's pointing individually at every single person she wants attacked. All but one of them hit Bill Close. They run up to him. They raise their swords and they bring them down horde on Bill Close. And each of them does 11 damage.

Holy shit. They cut into his shoulders, into his legs. One gets some flank off of the side. And Bill Close takes, oh, wow. He takes 55 damage out of a maximum of 123. So he's not looking great. Oh, God. Literally don't care. Oh, God.

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See store for details. Henry. Where is everybody? Are they on the wall? They're not on the wall anymore. There's no wall. So they're on the ground. So I'll give you clock readings. So 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock, you're basically the remains of the wall. Okay? So everything behind 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock is just elephants and shit. At 10 o'clock, you got Liz Warden and the Knights. At 11 o'clock, you got the Lance and his boys. At 12...

12 o'clock, you've got 10 bounty hunters all stunned, looking confused in front of the three ring circus. One o'clock is MPAA and the Red Baron trailers. And then outside of the Stronghold, beyond the walls, that's where Radiolab and Walter are fighting. This feels like Jezball time to me. I think so, yeah. Fucking divvy up this army a little bit with some Jezball. I don't remember how that spell works. Do you have to roll or do anything for that show? It just happens, right? You have to play Jezball. You used to make me play Jezball. No, you've...

You've graduated. You've evolved beyond that, William. You've conquered Jezball. The Jezball-y has become the Jezball-er. I'm Jezzed? Yeah. The wall is six inches thick and composed of ten 10-foot by 10-foot panels. 17 feet's not very much. You might be able to do one of those. It's not very much. Yeah, I think you can wall off like one quadrant. So, and it was Liz... Okay, let me see. It was basically... So, Liz Warren and her knights, there's five of them. They are the strongest mooks by far. Okay. And they're not... Have not been harmed in any way.

Okay, yeah, I'm going to box them off. Okay, cool. Can I make that a complete square around them? Sure. Okay. Okay, so Liz Warden and her knight for the second time see some goddamn crunchy munchy fucking guy who looks like he shouldn't know magic at all expertly bring up

A wall of fire. Oh, this is stone, not fire. Oh, this is stone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were doing wall of fire. No, I'm doing wall of stone. Oh, wall of stone. Okay, whatever then. So used to putting others behind brick walls, the imprisoners have become the imprisonees. They don't much care for it as the walls come up around them. What are they, 54?

feet tall would you say it's like four walls 25 feet by 25 feet yeah that's pretty fucking high yeah and they're made of stone yeah perhaps their own narrow-minded view of the prison industrial complex is what also finds them in this very predicament isn't it that's what led to it this reason and no other is why we should abolish prisons is because this might happen to you one day the 25 feet walls spring up around liz warden and her knights and they are confused and they are fucking angry

Aaron is going to take her trees and do exactly what was requested of her. She's going to have them sort of join their arms together and basically kneel in an ascending height. They interlock their branches and create a ramp out of wood that goes over the debris and...

If you drive on the ramp, basically, as long as they're there, as long as they're in that position, you're not going to have to move through difficult terrain or have trouble getting over. You can just drive on the ramp and you'll be able to sail straight into. Including our kids. That's the most important thing. Yes. Now it is Ron's turn. We're headed straight towards these stunned bounty hunters right now. So if you have anything. Actually, OK, so I'm going to. Remember, you got your fishing line. Yeah, I've got my fishing line and my good thing. And I've got my sharp ass knife, too. I am going to. And you're hidden.

And I'm hidden. I'm going to use my incredibly powerful legs to sort of like

straddle, like, just sort of, like, toad straddle the underside. That's just my bad. I know. Something none of us can unsee. You can hear it. You're welcome. To sort of toad straddle the underside of this elephant. Okay. Meanwhile, both hands engage with weapons because I've got dual weapon fighting. Okay. And so, in my left hand, I've got this super sharp fucking knife thing that stabbed Aaron. Mm-hmm. And then in my right,

Ron's dominant arm. I have the fishing, the fishing pole with the spear tip. And so I'm literally just going to hold them out both straight and hope they skewer a few fucking bounty hunters on the way in. Okay. How does sneak attack damage work since you're hidden and you're doing this? Do you get sneak attack? It means if she hits them, you get to more damage, right? It doesn't make you more likely to hit. It just hurts more when you do. Which I wish I had known about. Okay.

An extra 8d6 damage. What? Jesus. You literally went from 0 to 8d6 damage on these attacks, Michael. We're level 15 now. I'm a big girl now. There's five more levels. You could become super gods by the end of this game. Good thing we're getting out of here. Otherwise, the power would get to our heads. We would rule the school. That's a 2. Oh.

14. Okay. Plus 7. Yeah. Whoa. Okay, so yeah. And my ADC is plus 9. You definitely feel a jolt in your arm as the tip of your fishing rod spear makes contact with flesh. And so, yeah, you go ahead and roll your fucking monstrous amounts of damage on this stunned bounty hunter. Actually, no, let me roll a D10, and if it gets a 1 or a 2, it's one of the conscious ones.

Got a 10. So this is a stunned one. But go ahead and roll your damage. I'm almost certain you're going to melt him. So the initial attack... Is a d4. Is 1d4 plus 2. Okay, so that's 3 damage so far. Okay. And then the sneak attack is 8d6. He melts. You feel the spear jolt, and for a second there's a little bit of tension, and then just all the give in the world as his body just turns to fucking jelly around your goddamn spear. And then, let's see, as a bonus action, I hide. So there's a split second where...

Two weapons come out of the bottom and a guy gets killed. They go back in under the fucking... All nine of them are like, oh my god, we're about to get trampled by an elephant. And then they're like, I guess we did it, but then one's dead. I want to jump in real quick just to catch something. When she's hidden and she attacks, she gets advantage on attacks. Oh.

And then you get sneak attack on any attack you have an advantage on. Oh, okay, great. So because I'm hidden, I get advantage on my attack roll for stealth. Okay. And so I'm going to roll again. Okay, yeah, so this is for the knife. You destroyed the first person. The Aaron stabbing knife. Or it's called the cut to the chase is whatever fake name I made up for it. This is legitimately a 19. Okay, great. Yeah. Okay, so I'll roll again for the damage for the person on the left.

He too, that knife goes into him. Also, like the base damage for that knife was obscene. Plus your 8D6, that knife goes through so clean and so quickly that he doesn't realize what's happened. And much like in an anime or whatever, a samurai movie, he's just walking. He's like, huh? And then blood just shoots out of his neck. Is that conscious one? I'm going to roll and find out. So if I get a one or two.

Five, sorry. It was another unconscious one. So he wasn't walking. He just fell in half. Exactly. Fuck yeah, Ron putting the pain down. All right, so sweet Matilda. No, what happened to her? You see her next to a large machine with wires coming out of it. Oh, no.

Is that the nuke? That's the nuke. Metal gear. Metal gear. That's the nuke. And a knight that you had not been tracking earlier, because I forgot to tell you. Okay. We had a bunch of bounty hunters we forgot to mention to Anthony. There's just one guy preventing it from happening. She got caught when she was trying to destroy it. One of Liz Warden's knights saw her going for this nuke

and basically hit her in the face with the blunt edge of his sword, and blood is streaming down her face, and he's got her at sword point, and he's preparing to kill her. He's basically got her pinned down with his foot, so she's going to try to break free. Maybe kip up and do a move. Maybe kip up and do a move. So she manages to roll to the right just as he brings the tip of the sword down. Oh my god. Barely evades it, and she is going to...

I don't know what this is, but I promised that when I thought she was going to be a bad guy, that Sweet Matilda was going to have the stats of a challenge rating 10 bad guy. Yes. And so I just randomly selected based on the name. It's called Death Kiss. It's apparently a small beholder. So usually this would be tentacles, but I'm just going to say it was just with her fucking jacked ass arms from fucking pouring pints out for a bunch of angry, shitty people and also carrying giant barrels all day. Big old barrels being the bounce of her own fucking bar. Carrying all of Daryl's emotional bad.

Yeah, she did that quite a bit. Carrying her feelings for him and trying not to make it too awkward. Beholder of my heart. Am I right, fellas? Yeah. So she makes three attacks.

So against the knight, two of them hit. She raises back her fist and decks him with her left hand. The knight's head just goes spinning because it's, you know, just a gelatinous orb inside of a suit. Oh, that's right. And he goes, woo, woo, woo. The fucking head goes spinning. And then she stops it with her hand. And with her other hand, you see her just like raise a fist. And then instead of punching, she raises up two fingers within the fist and then and puts her two fingers inside of the three stooges and puts her two fingers inside, like where the neck of the thing would be. And she's going to use blood drain here.

And it has to make a DC 16 constitution saving throw. Gets a natural 20, unfortunately. But otherwise, she would have been able to suck its blood and regain some health points from that. Whoa. And it basically doesn't work because it's just a weird gelatinous thing. She's like, oh, oh, ow, it's not a person. Oh, disgusted, disgusted. But still, she manages to do...

14 damage to it, which it's not enough to kill it, but it's pretty good. Okay, now it's Dadkilla's turn. So Dadkilla is going to see Henry astride an elephant and can figure out that Henry's behind all this. So Dadkilla is going to wave his fingers about and he's going to say, I have big fangs, I have a big brain, and now it is time for the soul drain. And he is going to make a ranged attack against you with a plus 15 to hit. So a red bolt hits.

into the square of your back. Now make a DC 23 constitution savings row. Fucking hell. That would be a 12. Okay, so I'm sorry. You have to roll 10 D6 and add seven necrotic damage. Okay. You're still big. Plus seven. Okay, so I take 32 damage. Okay, so it gets 32 health points back.

Well, it doesn't mean it hasn't lost any. But just so you know, that's the thing you can do if it recharges it. Okay. Hypothetical. If we're like both controlling this elephant, could I maybe use my uncanny dodge reaction to have the damage by like steering the elephant? Yeah. You're going to dodge the elephant. Yeah.

All right. What do you do to dodge the elephant and communicate to the elephant that you got a hard right turn? I'm again strapped with my extremely powerful legs to the underbelly of this elephant. And I basically tickle one side. Okay. And it turns to the right. So, Henry, yeah, you take half of that.

at oh okay thanks for but now dad kill has seen that and that she ain't gonna work on him again he knows to lead a shot a little bit it is the oak valiance turns they are going to maybe go for the red brain red brain trailer yeah I think maybe the ones who got hit by the last attack fall back and heal themselves okay and then the rest of them go forward to attack okay so half of them go back and they heal themselves back up to 20

And then the other half, so 10 of them, go after the 10 Redbrand trailers. And they're all going to use Thorn Whip, which is a plus 4 to hit. And 5 of them hit. And that's going to be 1d6 damage. So whatever. That's 5d6 damage done against those guys. That's something. Okay. That was more useful. Hopefully the Redbrand are just not fighting them. If it all goes to one person, it's enough to kill one of the Redbrand trailers. Okay. So 10 of the Oakvalians just go like, no! No!

And they just run up and just start hitting him with thorns and vines that they have in their hands. It's not even using it magically. They're just like slapping him over and over. And he gets a bunch of cuts and dies. That's how I want to go. And now it is the Lance's turn. So the Lance is going to turn his men to look around and goes, where's Wilson? Where's Dale Wilson? He broke a pact. He broke a pact and that must be avenged. And he's going to turn and he sees Grant Wilson in the driver's seat of a van.

And he goes, your skin was to be taken and eaten, and I will have what I am owed. Throw me. And his friends are like, what? And he's like, throw me. Yo, this version of the Lance kicks ass. He's definitely matured a bit in the time we've since the beginning. He certainly cares a lot more. So I had all four of his friends roll, and I figured I would take the best. And one of them rolled a natural 20.

Oh my god. So they hurl the lance and he sails through the fucking air like gracefully with his arms outstretched. Pure hatred. He lands on the fucking front of this Odyssey in not quite blade pose. It's like the fantasy equivalent of the blade pose which is like more of a ballet kind of thing where he like lands on a tiptoe and then slowly descends down to the level. He points through the windshield at you Darryl and he goes your skin is mine and he punches up the windshield.

And he's like an old guy, so it's probably not going to get through. Hit the wipers, Daryl. He makes a 10. So he cracks the glass with his fist and his fist immediately begins to bleed. That's his turn. Daryl just flicks him off. What a rude teen. Rude teen. Rude teen. This teen driving a minivan flipped me off. The unmitigated goal. All right, now it's the elephant's turn. 30 ran off, 70 remain. The other 70 elephants are like...

I don't know what to do. What are we doing? Where do you want to direct these fucking 70 angry elephants? Where's the biggest concentration of people? That are bad guys. That would be the bounty hunters. That'd be the town square. Or actually, it'd be the Red Baron trailers in terms of conscious people who matter. We'll send them after the Red Baron trailers. Okay. Trample, trample. I mean, can we like split up the elephants into three groups and have like three groups of... Yeah, well, right now you said 70 people need to trample 20 men and they do. Oh, you bet.

So the MPAA was like I just wanted to play good music and it's fucking Red Branch Riders just get completely obliterated under the Dan Carlin narrates the story Hannibal

Yeah, they are fucking done for. MPAA and the Red Band trailers are no longer an issue. This band is not yet rated. All right, it's Barry's turn. Barry sees Autumn coming directly for him, knitting needles in hand, fire and hatred in her eyes, just splattering.

sprinting for him dead out. Terminator 2 style with like the things, the hook arms. Yeah, the hook arms. The Dax hands. Sure, yeah, yeah. I was thinking more of like in Braveheart or whatever where it's like a bunch of people are fighting but like fucking Braveheart sees like one guy and he's like. That's always how it happens. Can you roll perception to see if he sees how Autumn looks at Ron?

Yeah, he sees how Autumn looks at Ron. And weirdly, despite the fact that he doesn't seem to give a shit about Autumn at all, he's deeply jealous. He also looks at Ron that way. Immediately envious of Ron and furious. And so he is going to point at Autumn and cast Sunburst.

She's going to have to make a constitution saving throw. Is sunburst the one where you show your butthole to the sun? Yeah, he points at his ex-wife and says... He's absorbed the energy of the sun into his butt, and now he's going to shoot it out his butt at his ex-wife. God damn, he's so fucking cool. So, yeah, he basically... That was the cut that out of Marriage Story, actually. Oh, wow.

Somebody on Twitter would take a picture of that and be like, mood? He does downward dog and a beam of sunlight hits Autumn and she takes 12d6 radiant damage. And she is blinded. She's blinded for one minute. So she's going to take 44 damage and she's blinded for a minute.

But at the end of each turn, she gets to roll a constitution save. And if she saves, then she's not blinded anymore. Glenn, it's your turn. Okay, so I just want to yell. I want to cast mass suggestion here. Okay. This is I suggest a course of action for so I can influence up to 12 creatures of my choice. So like find me 12. Do the lance. Since Lance is trying to. Oh, I feel like this is going to take care of itself, though. Yeah.

He's an old man. He's an old man. What could possibly go wrong? That's true. I take one look at an old man kind of like, oh, on the top, on the hood of a, by the way, a very steep hood on the Honda Odyssey there. It's not a big luxurious. Yeah, it lands his wife off any moment. He's holding onto a windshield wiper. I'm not worried about that. The hood is steep as those odds. You know what? I'm going to rush in because I heard about this nuke. So I want to head in and help sweep Matilda. Oh, that's a good idea. Okay.

So you rush in. What is Nicholas doing? I'll tell you exactly what Nicholas is doing. Nicholas isn't on stage fucking ripping the eruption solo this entire time. Are you kidding? Yeah. Every single time I look back, I'm like, fuck, he got good. Did you and Jody just tell him like, we'll handle this and just keep fucking playing. Don't stop the beat. Yeah. Warrior. So you head towards the nuke and sweet Matilda and the remaining night. And as the night sees you approach, he's going to use his reaction to call out.

to willie and say which translates to and willie can understand this they're coming for the big box the big angry box i'm gonna cast auto's irresistible dance on this and this person is this a humanoid yeah i would say it's a human i'm sure uh one creature i can see within range begins a comic dance in place shuffling and tapping its feet capering it's just gonna sit there in all of its movement without leaving its space and disadvantage on deck saves and attack rolls and

And all of the creatures have advantage on attack rolls against it. Great. It just starts doing the fucking Russian sailors dance right where it's standing. Yeah. It's very irritating. I need to jump in with one thing. When Henry cast the walls, that broke concentration on his last spell, which was holding paid in. Oh, okay. Good to know. I will take note of that when we come back around to pay. Okay. We'll get the note. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Henry, when you broke concentration, you were higher in the initiative than Jody. So Jody sees Hayden immediately shake himself free or itself, ex-Payton, this large zombie, shake itself free and go, and it grabs an elephant and just bites its fucking head off. Oh my God. And blood comes out of it, just squeezes it like a fucking jelly baby. Well, okay. That elephant does turn back into a person. So we see who still has a head. And it's just like, that felt very weird. Oh no, that felt so weird. Cause it turns back to a person with all the time.

HB and stuff. It can't die from that. But it's just very fucking good. Yeah. It's fucking, it just wigged the fuck out. It was Canary. Oh no, Canary. Canary, run, go away. Run. I'm so sorry. Was I not more helpful? I don't know what I did wrong. You did great. Okay. I don't know why you turned

I left to find myself after Barry fucked us all over. That's why you never heard from me. I wanted to find my own way in the world. And I heard about a concert. I heard about a concert and that sounded fun. So I went and I went back in your shit again. Okay, so Canary just fucking bolts. And once again, it is Jody's turn. I'm going to go and try to attack zombie Payton with my whip. 26 to hit. You whip the Payton zombie across the face and the Payton zombie goes, ehhh.

Painted language. It hurts a fair amount. And Painted Zombie's attention is entirely on Jody right now.

The kids are still hiding? I think so. Yeah. Okay. They're just waiting. So now it is going to be the two non-stunned bounty hunters turns, and they are going to see that their friends are stunned, and I'm going to make them make a roll to not wuss out and leave. Nice. They got a two. They immediately go, fuck this. This is not worth. No paycheck is worth this. I'm out. I'm out. As they're going, they're like, but like, what if every color that we see

Don't think about it too hard. You'll end up fucking like them. They're about to get fucking trampled down. Just go. Just fucking move on. Okay, now the other ones are going to try to make saves.

Three of them do save. So now you've got three stunned dudes and three guys that are going, wait a minute. It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. Because, right, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter? Yeah, it's a relatively... Whatever you think looks right to you is made with your own perception. All reality is perception. So don't fucking waste my time with that shit. I feel like that shit... They realize you, like, whoever said that, put that in their head a long time ago, has already left. They're like, oh, wait. There's an elephant behind them now and two of their friends are dead. Oh!

It is Walter's turn. Walter is going to try to maintain his grapple on this dragon and also attack it. With the cont sword. Oh, sure. Okay, so he'll use one of his lever actions to let go of the dragon with one claw and pick up the cont sword. And the cont sword goes, oh, hello, robot man. What is going on? And Walter goes, I'm not a robot. I'm a bullywug.

And the cunts are, oh, how delightfully, I've never met such a thing before. What is your name? Walter, dear of the world. Oh, that's going to be a very interesting quandary then. Oh, no. Animal.

Now, why do you think I should allow you to stab this little thing? Look how pathetic it is. It does not even have a third dimension. And more than that, it is already pinned. It is harmless. It is of no use. And Walter goes, it killed my son. And he's going to roll intimidation. He gets an 18 and the sword's like, yeah, fair enough.

Yeah, fair enough. Okay, cool. Let's fuck him up. I can say something about the cycle of violence, but you know what? You seem very angry right now. Walter brings the sword down and Radiolab the dragon goes from 223 health to 100 and...

Just getting lower and lower resolution. 112. Yes. Oh, you rounded up. I knew you would. 112 HP. Sounds like money. And it screeches again. And it almost looks like missing no now. It's just all fucking glitches and shit. It's like a graphical error. It's going to try to maintain its grapple. Ooh, seven. So on...

On Radiolab's turn, it's going to be able to break free. Finally, in the turn, it is Willy. Fuck. You all see as Willy looking around, seeing that the tide is beginning to go in a direction he doesn't quite like, takes a small remote out of his robe and he presses a button. On the machine, on this weird nuclear machine, you see numbers light up on its exterior and it says three. Uh,

Wait, three seconds? Three rounds? Three rounds. It is counting down. You have three more rounds. Damn, they coded this bomb in D&D rounds. What's in D&D? So I guess technically it says 18 seconds. It says 18 seconds. Well, okay, there's two signs. One says 18, and then beneath it in parentheses it says three. 18 seconds is so much scarier than three rounds. It's fucking terrifying. So you're telling me in 18 seconds this nuke is going off? Yes, in 18 seconds, as Radiolab the Dragon...

roars its adorable 8-bit roar, you know that in 18 seconds, you and almost everyone you care about is going to be dead. But it's probably going to take like an hour and a half to do those 18 seconds. Unfortunately, yes. It's going to be all right. It'll be all right. Because that's just life. Even if you die, it'll be all right. It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right.

Cause that's just life All you do is try And it'll be alright

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. Jimmy Wong is Jody Foster and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Our theme song is All Right by Maxden Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing and sound design and provide the voice of an additional dad in the intro. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Thank you to all of our Patreon supporters who have supported this show directly. People like Madison, Bows, Matthew,

The next episode will be the season one finale. After that, we're going to be giving all of you non-patron supporters a quick taste of the good life by doing a season one Talking Dad where we'll go over the entire season. We'll be talking about the season one finale,

And then we'll be going right into a palette cleanser with a brief mini series. It'll probably be three parts that Will will DM called Fetch Quest about four pets from our world who are flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to get back home. That one we're really excited about because we'll all be playing dogs and one cat. And if you've been subscribed to our Patreon, you already know that Will is a heck of a DM.

If you want a taste of that, definitely check out the Walter and Peyton one-shot that we did, which was a stretch bowl available to all patrons. That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. It's not too late. Get in there before the season's over. And when Fetch Quest finishes, we'll be going right into Season 2, so stay tuned for more details on that. There may be, of course, a week off somewhere in there for Christmas and New Year's. And that's all I'm going to say for now, because we've got the season finale.

coming up next episode. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. We will see you all right back here October 19th for the season one finale. Have a good two weeks. There was a time we'd meet between two no they never brought you down

Anyway, I deposit the non-dead kids safely. So all the kids! All the kids! Into a little field just off in the battle distance and I give them a wink, a thumbs up, and I go, do bad! And I fly off again. Do bad? I'm from hell! What are you doing?