FETCH QUEST - Ep. 2 - Flea Collar Comedy Tour
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That's BlueNile.com. Fetch Quest is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for big dogs. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Fetch Quest. Fetch Quest.

Welcome to Fetch Quest, a Dungeons and Daddies miniseries about three dogs and a cat who get sucked through a portal from our world into a magical, dangerous land of high adventure and stinky scratchin' snips and have to find their way home. I'm Will Campos, your Dungeon Master. The icon that Maggie and Will just told us. I was trying to prove to him who he was, y'all. Surely a rotter.

I'm your Dungeon Master slash alpha dog. Can I get a woof woof for my pack, Matthew? A woof, a woof. That's fucking right. Whatever you say, sir. Hey, everybody. So I'm Matthew Arnold. I'm playing Donut, an 11-year-old black lab who has lived his whole life in a truck stop. A little doggy fact about Donut is that he is very aware of where he poops, and he's ashamed of his poop, and he keeps his poop very clean. He's ashamed of his poop?

Because one of the earliest memories he has is that he pooped on the ground and then Terry, you know, his owner that he loves so much, stepped in it and like cursed under her breath and was like, I think she was probably just having a bad day. But he's like, oh my God, make sure I never do that to Terry ever again. So he makes sure his poops are nowhere near anybody so nobody could ever step in his poops. Where does he poop? Like where's his favorite poop stop? You know, like the highway has like a little like gutter that goes underneath the...

whatever, a water runoff. Yeah. Do not go near that water runoff. It is just people go by. They're like, wow, there's somebody living down there. Like, it's like, no, that's just where the dog poops. Is that how donut found the little puppies? Was he was going to AM, BM found some puppers. He filled up one side of the highway. He's like time to cross the other side. I got it. I got to get my poop going someplace else.

Then he crossed the highway, which he wasn't supposed to, and then he heard the little pups. Little pups with his poops. I like the idea that he's crossing the highway regularly for his forbidden poop for privacy. When he eventually gets hit by a car and dies, Terry's going to feel real guilty. It's like if a bathroom on the other side of the house has a bidet or something. I'm using this as personal experience from a hotel that I once stayed in where I had the regular toilet. Got to get that bidet. Hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Cookie.

Cookie is a two-year-old whippet and she's a spy dog. You know those. You're just so excited every time you say that. I love it. She's a spy dog. Because of how much spying Cookie's been doing. It's just so obvious. Fun fact about Cookie is that she was born somewhere in the United States. And here's where you guys are all wrong for laughing at my Agent Cody Banks thing. It's not like Agent Cody Banks like the movie.

Her owner, Agent Cody Banks, the currently deceased CIA spy, was Australian. And that's why even though Cookie was born in the United States. So you're saying this is just a CIA agent named Cody Banks. It's not related to the movie. That's what he wants you to think. Can you imagine a CIA agent having the name Cody Banks when that movie comes out? Yeah. Hey, Cody. Fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, the fucking boys at Langley are up my ass. I'm Anthony Burch. I play Benier, a French poodle.

And Benyay's dog fact is that her owner, Kitty, at one point did a doggy movie marathon with Benyay to see which dog she would be most receptive to on screen. And Benyay has the biggest crush of all the dogs that she saw on screen was Balto.

Hell yes. Oh my God. I get this. Like, oh my God. Yeah. I don't know what it is. You're a human. You should be careful. I know. I know that. But honestly, somebody on Twitter. Beth is like shaking over there. Somebody on Twitter. How is the mic wet? What is going on? Stop.

buddy on Twitter was talking about how hot Robin Hood Fox is. Well, yeah, that's the classic. That's the or furry. I'm just saying that like this is a common enough thing that I could say that Kevin Bacon as Balto is sex appeal. Six degrees of Balto. Am I right? Fuck, marry, kill Balto. Fuck, don't do this to me. The Robin Hood Fox

I'm marrying Balto. He saves children. The fox from Robin. The fox, obviously. I don't care who the third one is. They're dead. Okay, what's the third one? Gigi from Kiki's Delivery Service. You're gonna kill Gigi? She can't even talk anymore. You're gonna murder Gigi, bro? Of course not, Bolt. No, not Bolt. Shadow from Homeward Bound.

I don't know what you want me to do with Shadow. It's like, you don't marry him, you're already married to him. It's obviously the bunny from Zootopia, right? That's just me. It is not just you, Matthew. There are some friends who put me out of the community. There's a lot of us. There's a whole community, Matt. My name is Freddie Wong. I play the soul cat of the group Mochi, a...

What the fuck did I say? American Bobtail Cat. American Bobtail Cat. I don't even know what that is. I mean, cats don't know what they are. I'm not a pet owner, very clearly. Hey, Freddie, research your fucking character next time. I got some research. I got some research for you. So, Anthony, you said that your dog's owner was named Kitty. Mochi's former owner was Dog, the bounty hunter there. Ha ha ha!

I love that. My dad. So it seems like you and agent Cooney Banks is just really get along. I like the idea that like dog had you for like a day. A hot minute. It was like, I'm getting rid of this fucking cat. The cat fact for this week. I thought that was it. No, no, no, no. This is a real one. Of course, Mochi knows who Ben Yeh is from his vantage point.

behind the counter at the vet's office. It's just YouTube. What do you think those receptions are watching? Pet YouTube. They all on pet YouTube. Pet YouTube on the computer. Pet TikTok on the phone. Just pet content. So, of course, Mochi's well aware of the...

outsized reputation like trying to neg beignet is that what's going on right now secretly is trying to like get tips because mochi secretly wants to be a pampered mega star cat interesting oh so it's like a shitty all about eve situation yes beth are you all right that's crying i remember that is weeping right now i

the third hot influence is when it's in Lion King when Simba gets older. Oh, now you got an answer. Oh, no! And he like pins down. In the fucking montage when he's swinging his head back and forth. He's got attitude. It's

Yeah, not killing him still. Sorry. Yeah, I would kill him too. He's too immature.

All right, on that, Bob, let's dive into this story. We'll pick up right where we left off with you guys standing over the brutally mangled body of the late Anthony Birch, hireling of the wicked Bethel Ademe, who just absconded with the very good boy. Mochi's eating his face. Mochi's eating Anthony's face. Because that's the thing cats do, right? I mean, when they're starving. I don't think they do it immediately. Yeah, like, yes, it has happened where they find a corpse of somebody who nobody knew they were dead for a long time. And then there are cats around and the face is gone because like, hey, cats gotta eat.

And then dog people use that like it means cats are worse than dogs or some shit. And it's just like, no, dogs are fucking dumb is all it is. Cats are going to survive. Just fucking anyways, dog people. Am I right? Uh, yeah. Cats and dogs are both perfect. I agree. There's nothing wrong with any of them. You heard a rumbling in the woods and you now find yourself surrounded by 20 armored dogs ridden by 20 adorable rosy-cheeked gnomes. One of the gnomes, she seems like the leader because her little helmet has a cool feather plume sticking out of it. She hops off her dog mount and looks around in shock. She says,

I look up, mouth full of Anthony's face, and I point kind of down at this guy. Mm.

Roof fall. Ah, yes, you see, it was not as we came here simply to get back home. We come from another realm. That said, you may still recognize me, Ben Yeh, from Instagram. I do not recognize you, Ben Yeh of Instagram. Tis not a land I have heard of. So Ben Go- Ah!

And like, it freezes in the knowledge that somebody hasn't recognized her. Wait, but do you guys have Instagram? We know not of... Who is this Instagram? Who is this Instagram? Is he some sort of dark wizard? Is he your boss manipulating the strings? How came you to know the location of the very good boy? With our noses? We, uh... We...

You smelled him. You old pathetic dog. Yeah. What say you? You seem to be the elder of this group. Yeah, we just, we got here and there's this big dog and we could smell him. He smelled really good. You could smell the very good boy? We smelled it really well. Yeah. You smell, but...

But that must mean... Bahama breeze and all sorts of things. Yeah, we were really good at smelling it. That can't be. And so Belita, which is her name... She blinked? Yeah. Belita Floppyfeet, which I got off of Name Generator. Name Generator. She staggers back and looks at the other gnomes and they start to share worried looks. But then like a little snarky, cynical gnome in the back of the room goes...

It could be they speak the truth, Belita, but I, Folgers Hazelnut, say this must be human trickery. Hey, can I ask you for something? What say you, old shitty dog? I roll over and just present my belly and go, I could use a rub. I start just rolling around wanting a belly rub. And that gets like a big aww from like half of the gnomes, and then Folgers glares at them and they're like, Excuse me, this...

Can't be human trickery because we're not humans, we're dogs. Yes, but who is this man on the ground in front of you?

And just like the worst bloody hairball comes out from Mochi. This was, you may not have Instagram, but do you have beta cocks in this world? This was one of those. That's a good dating map. Beta cocks, spelled C-U-X-X, is one of the most foul necromancers in this land. Yeah, maybe he was a disciple of him. I don't know. I don't know. If so, he's not a very good necromancer because this motherfucker dead. He's not coming back. So, yes, we...

Clearly there should be some sort of parade you would probably want to throw for us, us having gotten rid of this horrible druid person, yes? It still doesn't answer the question. No dog of this world is able to find their way to this grove. Only those who are indoctrinated into the order of the very good boy know this secret. Well, we're not from...

This world. I stretch out my belly and I go, yeah, people in our world, they rub a dog's belly when they do it. They sure do. Oh my God, do I have to do it? Okay. And then Benya goes over and starts like trying to rub your belly, but like it's a poodle. So just because...

and like kind of just jumps onto your step aside let me show you how it's done and now mochi gets in on the action how's this we're both just massaging your belly I want freddy to roll because those claws probably scratch real good like if a cat was like not trying to scratch the dog would give really good belly scratches all right give me a belly scratch yeah are you making biscuits actually yeah what should I roll what is the animal handlings

Animal handling. Yeah, give me, yeah, that's. It's wisdom. Okay. Nine out of 20. You take one damage, Matt. Oh, God, it's like one damage. You did what Anthony Birch couldn't. And at the sound of your warbling pain, one of the dogs gives an indignant, you gnomes should be ashamed that none of you would offer a belly scritch to a fellow dog that we have to stand here and watch a cat do it. And then

And then one of them says, hey, you know the rules, Walby. Cats are welcome in this forest as long as they don't start any shit. He says, don't quote the cat rules to me. I was there when they were written. So you have rules about the treatment of a particular species? That's a little weird. A little bit weird, yes. I don't know about, again, you don't have Instagram or TikTok, so you don't know, but that's kind of fucked up. We don't have anyone challenging us on our views because we're a very nested community. But hail and well met, fellow pups. You're a product of incest too, Al?

I'm purebred. Oh my god. I am Walby, disciple of the very good boy. Oh. Hi, Walby. And I say any dog in this realm gets a fair shake and every dog gets his day. But I must ask,

What proof do you have that you come from another world? Cookie offers up her paw to shake. A fair shake. He bows his head. Okay. And then your paw lands on his head, I guess. Yeah. And then he notices your thunder shirt and he smells it. He says, such a strange scent, like nothing I've ever smelled before. We also have, when we get lost...

You all have the collars, right? Is this... And I show my collars. There's like a message. Do you have this world here? Some sort of strange rune language, which I've never seen before. Could it be true? And then this very old dog from like in the back of the army kind of emerges, like this big old shaggy sheepdog. And he says, By the very smelly butt of the very good boy.

they must be from one of the lost tribes. And then there's gasps erupt from all of the gnomes as they all start murmuring like, Oh, hold it off tribe. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the old dog steps up to all of you and bows. He says, it's an honor to meet you lost brothers and sisters. Please follow us to our home. There is something you must smell. Uh,

Quick question. Do I get any bonuses from eating Anthony's face? You get the satisfaction of having done that. What about a plus one temporary hit point? Sure. All right. I'll allow that. But you lose it by the time we get there. Since he had a cool grenade on him, can I search his body to see if he had anything else on him? Oh, yes, you can. All right. Am I rolling? What is that? Investigation, I guess? Sure.

That is a metal dice on the table. That's what that was. Sorry. That is a 12. With a 12? Oh, you know what you find? You find 10 copper pieces. Disgusting. I'm going to leave them there. Okay. No, no, Benye, this may be important. I would have to carry them in my mouth. I'm not going to do that. You could carry them in my shirt.

Oh, this dandesh is called pockets. Yes, yes. Let's feed them into the pockets. And then we spent 20 minutes without opposable thumbs trying to shove coins. You spent 20 minutes doing that. The old wise dog, Glimtweet, again goes, okay, so... None of the gnomes help, by the way. They're just like, we have opposable thumbs? Ah, fuck them. Beesheeds are tough in this world. Belita Floppyfeet sees what you're doing and is like, here, yeah, I'll help you with that so we can keep going. No, no, no, no, it's fine. We can do it. I've done...

Okay, all right. This is very strange customs these outlanders have. Should we go with them or should we? Do you have a better idea? No. There you have it. And she trots away. And also the way that Vangie trots is like the right two legs and then the left two legs. Oh my God. Oh my God. Like it's a little jaunty. A little too soft. That means it's been abused.

All of the dogs are very impressed. And then some of them try to do it, but they're kind of stumbling around. Mochi's kind of trying to quietly do it too, but way in the back where no one will see him. As this dog procession leads you through the forest, Folgers the gnome glares suspiciously. And he's like, I don't, he doesn't quite trust you guys yet. So the gnomes and the dogs lead you on a winding path through the enchanted forest. After hours of travel, you crest a hill and discover a beautiful hidden valley below.

Oh, it's where they make the ranch. Yeah, that's what we call a setup for that joke. Did you know that ranch sauce actually is from Hidden Valley, like...

the place was called hidden valley wow but they lost it well so they bought they sold the it was like god this is so fucking funny dude i'm so fucking pretty long here if you want a cool sauce story i will tell cool sauce stories on the patreon because i love the fact that there's always new sauces coming out okay what was the cool story it's

It's just that... Did you not hear it, Matt? Are you kidding me? That's a banger? Holy shit. Could you tell it again, Freddie? Yeah, so...

Because Hidden Valley Ranch is the actual original place that it was from. And the whole valley kind of smells like ranch dressing. You realize that the main export of this valley is ranch dressing. That's what they make here. Wow. They serve all of the restaurants in Fayetteville. I was going to call it Glendale. I thought that would be funny. That's cute. But it's kind of Hidden Valley now. So welcome to the Hidden Valley. You crest this hill. Rolling farmland stretches out across the valley. It's the most beautiful place you've ever seen.

As you make your way across the golden sun-soaked hills, you see dogs and gnomes working and living together in total harmony. Dogs perform all sorts of jobs for the gnomes, towing carts, working plows and mills, guarding crops, while gnomes in turn perform all sorts of tasks and jobs for the dogs. There's an official belly rubber, they give them baths and cook them food. You even see a bunch of dogs lined up for their turn with the official Glendale slash Hidden Valley ball thrower, and they're playing fetch out in the woods. It's truly...

A paradise. This is some kind of socialist nonsense. Mochi who's libertarian says. Oh my God. Donut runs straight for the belly rubber. Oh, hey there. Then I just lean down. Oh yes. Present my belly. You're a very good boy, aren't you? What's your name? Donut. I like the idea that Donut, when there's like a little hill coming down into it. So you got into belly rub position like,

40 feet up the hill. You also cut the line in front of like 16 other dogs. But Fizzy Bizzle, the gnome, senses that you really need a good belly rub. So he's like, oh, I'm sorry. This is a belly rub emergency for a very, very good boy. Just like the very good boy. Oh, yes, you are. Ben Ye's gonna head over to Donut and try to doggy slap him in the face. Dude,

Do not be tempted by these temptations. What are you doing? I have a world to get back to. You are not going to keep us here just because you want some affection that you would not get from your master, unlike me. Oh, golly gee whiz. It sounds like there's a big fancy poodle here who could use a little scritch behind the ears. Do not touch me unless you subscribe to my Patreon.

You're right, Ben Yeh. It's just, you know, when you get as old as I am, you realize there's only so much time. And if we're going to get through this, just a good belly rub is going to help me keep going. But you're the leader. I'll do what you need to do. If this was a Disney movie, this is the cue for a belly rub song right there. Sometimes. Adonjus.

It's a belly rub. Ben, can I ask you a question? You can ask, Ace. Does your master give you belly rubs? Master gave me belly rubs.

Oh, poor, simple, stupid donut. My master has evolved beyond needing me to give me belly rubs. Belly rubs was what she did to me a long time ago when we were first looking at the box. But now we've gotten to the point in our relationship where the mere absence of belly rubs is itself a belly rub, you stupid fool, you dumb idiot. Gee whiz, you know what we gnomes call that is a rationalization.

I don't speak a no. Oh, well, we, I mean, you're okay. It seems like they like belly rubs here. So like you could get more famous if you just like more famous. You can start a whole trend of

Belly rubs. Oh, you're a big stupid dog, aren't you? She says. Cookie is shivering clockwise in a circle around Beignet and Donut. And everything is so nice here, but I think we should get back home.

I'm scared. Yeah. We got three starving puppies. I got to get back home as soon as possible. I know that there's definitely a crime that I'm supposed to be solving and I'm supposed to be telling my boss, Agent Cody Banks, maybe you've heard of him, about it. And so if we can identify the target of the crime and then also the crime and then also why we're here, then we could go back and tell everybody about it. Nobody knows this, but I'm a spy dog.

Wow. Well, you know, even spy dogs need belly rubs if you want one. Oh, I don't know. I'm a professional spy dog and I'm very fast. So maybe I should be. Yeah, sure. Don't do that. No, no. I'm sorry. Okay, so she tries to give you a belly rub, but she's like, oh, it seems like you've got, I'm doing your Australian accent. I was like,

Oh, well, seems like you got, what was my, what was I doing? Now it's Australian. Oh, sorry. Sounds like I'm picking up your accent a little bit. Golly gee whiz, I've never heard this before. What a flawless accent. Thank you. Fizzle Bizzle sort of frowns when she sees your Thunder shirt. She's like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to give you a very good belly rub with this armor on. Fizzle Bizzle starts peeling back the Velcro on the Thunder shirt. I think that like a note falls out that says like, to anyone who finds this dog,

It's me, Asian Cody Banks. If I didn't make it, please make sure that this dog finds its way to my also lost daughter, Elizabeth Banks. Director of Pitch Perfect for me. Yes. I've done a lot of things I regret, but nothing more than leaving behind my little Lizzie. Thank God he got her that start in Hollywood, though.

Fizzle Pizzle the gnome picks up this note and looks at it and goes, I can't read this. Neither can I. Well, I'm just going to tuck this back in there, and maybe someone will be able to translate that for you back wherever you're going. Sure. Where is the very good boy? The only way for us to get home is to find him. Some woman showed up, some sort of witch. She had a whip or something like that. Now I turn Russian. We're looking for whoever the fuck took the very good boy. At that moment, you see Fizzle Pizzle's eyes go wide with fear. She goes,

The very good boy is missing? What do you mean? And then immediately, Belita and Folgers ride up on Walby and Folgers' dog, Francis Ford Paprilla. Oh my God! And say, sorry, we're on official gnome home business here, so if you could just let, we need to move along with these dogs.

everything will be explained if you just follow us, okay? Wait, wait, wait. So then they marshal you guys along through the valley and as you leave, you see sort of like a worried look on Fistle Bistle's face as she processes what you just said. You march through the farmland and at last you arrive at the small city of Gnome Home. It's like a classic, bustling medieval town full of cobblestone streets and courtyards only at like

half to quarter scale because it's a gnome city and gnomes and dogs alike are gawking at you as you make your way through the streets. I strut. Word has already kind of spread through the town of your arrival. You hear whispers all around you like, look, there they are. They don't seem that special to me. And then someone's like, that's because you don't have a dog nose to smell them. They're definitely from far, far away.

Glimtweed Folgers, Belita Walby, and Francis Ford Puebla lead you to a castle at the center of town. They lead you in and you see like this basically this bustling center of the gnome dog government. There's like a high council of gnomes and dogs seated around like a round dinner bowl. What about individual freedoms? Are they playing poker? They're all discussing affairs of state and they rise to you and bow as Belita leads you into a well-guarded inner sanctum.

And inside this sanctum is the biggest dog turd you've ever seen in your life. Zat is the big bite of shit. It's the biggest single turd I've ever seen. Not the most turds I've ever seen. Oldlimtweet nods to all of you and says, this is what we call the lore dump.

Whoa, easy there. Yeah.

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What if we don't want to read the story? Well, then one of them can smell it and explain it to you. Yeah, I'm already smelling it. I'm there. I'm just smelling it. Whiff, I beseech you. All right. So, Matt, as you smell this big dump, you see the very good boy running. No scratch and sniff for me? No scratch and sniff. Will brought a bag full of stuff, and I was terrified he was going to take a turd out of his fucking bag. That is so fucking metal. Yeah.

Here's a turn. Holy shit. You're guaranteed you never get to DM again. Hey, congratulations. No, no, no. That bags for later. As you smell the big dump, a cosmic vision fills your mind. You see the very good boy running through an ethereal forest. He looks terrified. There's blood on his face. Oh, God. And clinging to his back are dozens and dozens of adorable...

adorable puppies. Behind him, you hear the ominous pounding of footsteps and the shadows of a giant man stalking through the trees. The very good boy steals a glance over his shoulder, back at his pursuer, then skids to a halt on the lip of a cosmic abyss. Beneath him, he sees a terrifying drop into a swirling ocean of stars, the multiverse. The very good boy trembles in fright. The footsteps behind him get louder and louder. There's a rustling T-Rex-esque shake of the trees, and then...

the hunter emerges from the woods, a bow and arrow in his hands. He locks eyes with the very good boy. He grips his bow. The very good boy shuts his eyes and leaps into the ocean of stars below. Dude, this is how Myst started. It's like Myst. Is this how Myst started? That's how Myst started. Wait, what? Minus the whole like, you know, being hunted. The game?

missed? Yeah, the game missed, bro. Oh, fuck. Atrus is being chased by his dad and he jumps into a pool of stars and the book goes to earth. The very good boy falls and falls and falls among the reality swirling. This was just bragging about giving up its kidney. Wait, is the...

Okay, is the hunter the same size as the dog? It's like a very big hunter. It's bigger than the dog. It's like a Paul Bunyan. Jesus. The very good boy falls and falls. I think we need to find the red pages. All right. There's a cat that wants blue pages and a dog that wants red pages. No, she's like, bring me the blue pages. No, no, no. Do like this and bring me red pages.

As the very good boy falls through the multiverse, among the realities swirling about him, he senses a safe haven, a forest where he can hide and protect his pups. But as he struggles to swim towards it, the turbulent waves of space-time knock many of the puppies off his back, and they're sucked away from him towards other worlds. Dang, sucks. Sorry, go ahead. Great cat, bro. Damn. The

The very good boy gives a mournful wail and with a blast of magic that takes all of his energies, he imparts onto those lost puppies his special ability to always recognize his scent so they can find their way home. His strength gone, he crashes into this plane, into this world of Faerun, into this very forest, into this interactive seedy multimedia experience of 1995 by Broderbund Software.

His strength gone, he crashes to the ground into this strange forest of illusions. His remaining puppies safely dismount and he falls into a deep slumber. And as you see that, the vision ends and you snap back to reality. Oops, there goes gravity. Moshi raises his hand like,

At what point did he take a shit? So, Mochi, do you want to know what you smell? Have you smelled it yet? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I'll take a whiff. Okay, so, Mochi, weirdly, when you smell the lore dump, you don't see any of this. You see your own lore. You see an ancient race of celestial cats called the Jellicles. Oh, my God. And they sent their descendants. You fuck!

to live in the alleyways and train depots and abandoned theaters of all the mortal realms so they can live fabulous lives and return one day to tell their tales of adventure in the Heaviside Lair. Oh, yeah. The Four Knights team is based on these creatures. It's all connected. Love it. Mochi blinks and goes, am I, am I a Jellicle?

That depends. Are you blind when you're born? Fuck, I wish I fucking knew it. That would be so metal. We'll add it in post, Beth, don't worry. Okay. We did not add this in post.

All of the gathered gnomes and dogs are looking at you, their eyes brimming with emotion, and Walby steps forward and says, the very good boy came to this world for safety. We, his descendants, spread far and wide across the world of Faerun and call this place our home. A

Belita, his person, steps forward and says, and we, the gnomes of this forest, take care of the very good boy and look after any of his pups that return home. Well, really, they look after us. It's kind of a who rescues who situation. Walby says, we never thought we would meet any actual members of the Lost Tribes, but here you are, and we would be honored to

to smell your butts. Oh, yeah, I thought you already did. No, we hadn't this whole time, but now we would like to. Yeah. If you smell our butts, will you realize that we're actually not members of the Lost Tribes? There's only one way to find out, and they smell your butts. Yeah, I smell their butts. They realize that you guys were telling the truth the whole time, and that you guys really are from this other world. That jives with their thing. We're like descendants of these other Lost Puppies. Yes, these Lost Puppies that basically went to other worlds, like Earth, essentially.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Quick pitch. The Lost Boys poster, but it's the Lost Good Boys. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Not bad. It's nice to know where you came from, but honestly, I'm a little bit more concerned about...

Where we're going. So if we could just get out of, we just need to get home. But you are home. You've returned home to the forest. No, home is where Terry is. I see. You have people in this other world that you wish to go back to. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Not that one. What do you mean? Oh.

Oh. Because I read the note and I can understand and read human language. So I go, oh, no, you know what? No, never mind. Tell it to me straight, Mochi. I can take it. Who's your human? Well, he's a great... The short version, please. Oh, um, Cody Banks. When was the last time you saw...

Well, we were at a greyhound bus station. I know what you're thinking, but I'm actually a whippet, not a greyhound. And I'm much faster than most greyhounds as well. I was at a greyhound bus station and he said, I have to take a call. Oh my God, it's like Frankie Muniz is right here.

I have to take a call if something happens to me. We should let people know that we do not have Frankie Muniz here, though, right? Yeah, just a disclaimer. Just legally, we do have to say. Yeah, we do have to say that he's not actually here. If you ask somebody if they're Frankie Muniz, legally, they have to tell you. And then he went to a payphone. He looked around, sort of shifted his eyes, and then a man came up and shot him. And then...

Well, okay then. I suppose that answers that question. Moving on. What question? I think he's dead.

I don't know what that means, but all right. You'll never see him again. Just like when I die, Terry will never see me again and I'll never see Terry again. It's just dead. I'm so sick of you talking about how you're going to die. We know, we know you're going to die. It's going to be great. Oh, because I won't hear about it anymore. No, because I won't hear about it anymore because I don't like it.

I like you. He rolls over for a belly rub. He's got all wet eyes. Lolita just sort of instinctively goes to rub you, boy. That's okay. That's okay. Oh, it sounds like you guys have like a lot going on. And assuming you don't want to live here in bliss and splendor with the rest of the gnomes and the dogs here, the very good boy could definitely send you home. It's just, I wish this reunion had happened under happier circumstances. Before I commit to one world or the other. Hmm.

Some questions. I don't think they cared if you stayed here. You shut up. I'm talking to this one. Yes, the cat. Brands of food available. Dry or wet? We have wet dog food here.

We must find this dog immediately. We must find this dog and get out of this cursed realm. We're right on the same page because, you see, this forest protects the very good boy from the wrathful gaze of that hunter you saw in your vision. And as long as he's out there in the world, it's only a matter of time until the hunter finds him and hunts him down. Plus, who knows whatever other blah-blah-blahs may occur now that the very good blah has blah-blah-blahed. Uh, what was that? Oh, you know, I just mean that because blah-blah-blah, we could blah-blah-blah. Why are you saying blah-blah-blah? But...

But you guys can hear what I'm blah, blah, blah-ing, right? So all of a sudden, all of the dogs get very concerned. And they're like, oh, no. Oh, no, what's happening? Can you understand me? Yeah, I can hear you, dog. Belita looks very concerned. She's just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Glimtweet, the grim old gray shaggy sheepdog, shudders. And he says, oh, I feared this might happen. It is the presence of the

Can't say cats speak with animals? Oh, we killed that guy.

There's like a nervous energy starts to erupt around the room. Walby, you know, looks around and says, but you don't understand. Our ability to speak with each other is the very bedrock of gnome dog society. And then you see like one of the dogs at the door, just like kind of scratching at the door. He's like, someone let me out of here. I need to poop. I need to poop. His person is like, blah, blah, blah, food, blah, blah, flu, food, food. And he's like, no, no poop, damn it. And he bursts the door open and like immediately...

Just chaos has erupted in the gnome dog kingdom. You see, like, the high council, like, the dogs and gnomes are freaking out. For some reason, there's fires already starting to burn in the city. Two gnomes are just beating the shit out of each other. Like, not explained at all. People are yelling at each other about being on leash or off leash. It's chaos out there. Ah, dog, Twitter has made it to this round.

You see all this chaos erupting around you. Gnomes are desperately trying to communicate with dogs, and dogs are shrugging like, no, you don't understand what I'm saying. But I can understand. But you can understand everything. That's like a tragic comedy. Listen, listen, no. Listen, I can be your new god. Gnomes, dogs, I would be the great Arbiter of communication. And ironically, none of the gnomes can understand you either anymore. Son of a bitch. I almost had it. You're probably meowing really cute right now.

Yeah, like, Mochi's up on, like, the parapet, just, like, trying to, like, shout to the crowd and no one can understand you. Oh, and then I fall and there's a... Do you just start knocking over things to get attention? I start knocking over things to get attention. And then I fall and there's a line and it's like, hang in there, cat, you know? Oh, my God. And I let go pretty quick because I don't have any interest in staying around here. There's a gnome who sees that from across the thing and goes... And immediately starts drawing. And in six years, he's the richest gnome who ever lived. The richest gnome! Oh, my God.

Good luck with that, bro. Cookie's having an absolute existential crisis. She's just like...

I guess there's no home for me to go back to anyway. There's no agent Cody Banks or anything. I guess the only way to avenge my man, light of my life, Cody Banks, is to be the best goddamn spy dog ever. Just to be the absolute goodest girl. Just spy all the time. Be so fast and so good at solving crimes.

Yeah, we'll help you spy. What is spying? And then a cool fucking dog rounds the corner with an eye patch and like a grizzled goatee. He's like, I'll tell you what spying is. I'm Barks McGee. Barks McGee?

Oh my God. A character Will thought of a long time ago. And I'm the spy master around here. And I can tell, Cookie, you've got the makings of a great spy because being a spy is all about heart. Being a spy is about... Is that what it's about? It's all about heart, everyone. We have a story out here about Agent Cody Barks, the greatest dog spy that ever lived. Oh my God, Agent Cody Barks?

He was my mentor, and he taught me that being a spy was about believing in yourself and sneaking around in the shadows and doing what's right. Doing your homework. And doing your homework. And doing what you need to do to stand up for justice. Ain't nothing the CIA man who says a dog can't be a spy.

By the order of the silent paw, which I'm a part of, I indoctrinate all of you to be spies for me. No, I'd like to opt out. I don't give a shit about this spy. All right, well, fuck you then. This is the best day of my life. You're a spy, Cookie. And he dips his paw in some ink and puts a black paw mark on your thunder shirt. Hell yeah. And then he says, and for the rest of you, I've got some equipment to help you on your journey.

And he hands you a little doggy bag full of biscuits. And he says, do not eat these right away. How many were there? Yeah, you should definitely roll to see how many you ate before that. Give me a D6. How many were there? There were six. Oh, okay. I feel like I ate three. Okay. Oh, my God. You have six.

Three biscuits of healing. If you're ever injured, these biscuits will restore your health. I see you already ate some of them. I know it's tempting, but these should be only for emergencies. Strap them on my back. I will carry them. No, I'll keep them here. I ate another one. Oh, my God.

I would really recommend you get them away from him. I need to tend to spy affairs of state. We need to keep these gnomes. Can we each get six? No, these are all the ones. I don't trust you to eat all of them. Who wants the last one? Because I just ate one. Oh my God. I grab it. I grab it and I strap this doggy bag backpack on. It would make sense if I ate them when we left, but we're like, we're still here, right? Can you just like go get more? Are there only six in this whole town? We'll wait. Maybe he just slaps you.

It's so sad that you ate these before I slapped you in the fucking face. You're making such a bad impression on our spy master. Oh, I'm sorry. Can I have six more biscuits? No more biscuits for you. That's the only biscuit. We need the rest of these biscuits in case we get hurt trying to keep the gnome society together. Now off with you. Go find the very good boy. But wait, you haven't considered this. And I do the beignet pose. And I get a...

Mochi is like, oh, sorry, 20, not a natural 20, but a 20. Okay, so time slows down for Barks McGee and that song Daydreamer starts playing. Oh,

Oh my God. And there's like a sparkle that's probably from the fires in the distance, but like you've never looked more fucking fabulous and sexy. I was going for like sad, please give me the trees. I thought it was like you're doing your voguing pose. Yeah, I am voguing, but with a hint of sadness. Oh my God. Too bad. I guess I'm sexy. It's fine. Like what? Like an American apparel model or something? Yeah, exactly.

Barks McGee quivers and he just likes Trumbull. He says, well, I suppose we could find a couple more. Here you go. Here you go, ma'am. What's your name again? It's just me, Ben Yeh. What a cool spy. I've never been more invested in a love story.

Beignet. Well, I'm very, very glad to make your acquaintance. Enchanté. And I extend a paw. And he just very nervously and tenderly licks your paw. I slap him. I go, no, no, no. You can look, but you cannot touch. I'm sorry. We have different customs in this world. Just please, please take these. Please take these. And good luck. It would be terrible if something happened to you.

that sounded like a threat that could be like an emotional thing like i would be very sad maybe next time we'll go we'll talk about i'll think about it all right so how many of these healing ones do you have six i have six i'm not sharing them so it sounds like a spy is really good at getting things done right they sure are and you didn't want to do a belly rub cookie maybe you should maybe you're the leader because you're a spy now um

Well, I just found out what spy means and I like it because I am a spy dog. Yeah. Leader, I need some more explanation and while I'm waiting... You fucking idiots. While I'm waiting, I think that somebody else should be a leader. I'm pretty sure I lead us. I got us six more biscuits before this ding-dong ate them all. So once again, I'm going to... Show of paws, who wishes to follow me? I raise all four of my paws. Make an acrobatics check. He just goes on his back and puts his paws up. Yeah. Okay, that's fine. That's very cute.

That's such a trailer moment for this movie. Like they're all arguing. He's like, show of hands, I vote for me. And then like all four legs go up. That's great. The music cuts out. And then punches out your eyes. They're all from the same person. He's like, what guys? And all three dogs are just licking their balls.

Not in a children's movie. Yeah, this is not being a children's movie. This is a children's movie. The more we talk, the more my Insta followers are dropping by the second. We need to just follow our noses and go in the direction of the very good boy. We need six more biscuits for each of us. No. You're just going to eat them, you big dumb idiots. Barks McGee, who ran off to go like quell a gnome uprising, he's just running back the other way. To quell one. That's what Spock did.

Do we say quell uprisings using the power of friendship? Interesting. That's good to know. Those racial tensions changed real quick. Now they're uprisings? Just again, man and animal comprehend each other across a sea of incomprehension. They had a bond and now it's broke. The root of all evil is often misunderstanding. People just kick it along. Anyway, he runs by with a big bucket of water to go douse a fire. Are you guys still here? Go. Get out of here. Allons-y. Let's go.

Yes, let's go. That felt really judgy. We're going to go. You're following the scent. You're able to make your way through the forest because you've got a pretty good lock on it. Yeah, I want to sidle up with Ben, yeah, Isaac. It appears we are sharing leadership duties. If that's what you would like to believe, yes, sure. That's, yes. Honestly, that's a sign of a good leader, is that she makes other people feel like they are leaders. So thank you for the compliment. Cookie sidles up next to Donut. Looks like we're both following. Oh!

It's a lot of fun, right? No, it's good. I love it. Yeah, it's great. Who did you used to follow? I miss Terry. Well, I used to follow...

agent cody banks oh i'm sorry forever in our hearts yeah but now i've got my own mission to be the best spy dog ever since barks mcgee and that means i'm a good girl and i'm very fast what are you gonna do when you get home be a good girl and be very fast where are you gonna go i haven't thought about that oh okay i got three puppies i gotta go find and bring them home maybe you could i mean you're not a puppy but maybe you can come back too

Terry likes dogs. I mean, that'd be great. I'm very fast. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm going to cry. We keep talking about it. Okay. It's just Terry likes dogs and I don't know how much longer. I'm an old dog. And then I'm, yeah, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be. Yes. A replacement dog. Yeah. Oh, hit him on the rebound. Maybe Terry will name you the same thing. Let's, um, I try to eat one of the biscuits from, from the bag. No, no. Cause I have one left. You trying to eat it off of my back. I'm trying to eat it off of you. I'm getting, I'm getting sad. Oh, from his. Okay. Yes. Give me a sleight of hand. Right.

roll. Slides of snout. Slides of snout roll. Oh my god. Oh, finally a good roll. That's a 13 plus one. I mean, sorry, a 19 plus one. That's a 13 plus one. Hell yeah, bro. Get a fucking 13. Eat it. Freddy, you get an opposed perception check. I don't think I'm going to be able to tell the difference. But then I'm going to bite you. I roll a 15. Okay.

okay so you were able to sneak that i still think that there's one waiting for me yeah i feel like you because you've done this before like it's like an indiana jones swap where you're able to get the treat and then like hawk like a hairball there's a rock i picked up a rock yeah you swapped a rock in there so that he can't tell the difference i can't bite the biscuit in half and offer half of it to uh cookie oh no i would never i'm a spy dog okay last time i do that that's what i just want to say benyam uh

I'm familiar with your work on stage and screen. Oh, Ashante, always a pleasure to meet a fan. Yes, yes. It's just, I was trying to get my own thing going the other day, and I was just wondering if you had maybe little tips, some tips for me. You want to do a crossover video or something like that? I promote your channel, you promote mine. I've done the song and dance before. Yes, yes, yes. I've worked with Shane Dawson's cat, and let me tell you, it will not happen again.

No, no, no, no, no. Messi, Messi. No, thank you.

All right. Fuck, that's the funniest joke in this podcast. You follow the scent out of the forest and soon it takes you to a long winding dirt road that runs through Faerun. Are there any butterflies? Yeah, there's a butterfly. I started chasing a butterfly. Look, butterfly Bentley. I'm just chasing a butterfly. So I'm going to close my ears. I'm no longer paying attention. The butterfly, whose name is Steven, realizes you're chasing him and goes, could you not? Oh, now I try to eat him.

All right, give me an attack roll. 13. Matt, don't kill this butterfly. You got a two. Steven goes, hey, look, I just gave you, you know, okay. And then Steven dies. If you do a cute voice, there's a higher probability that this random other insect will stick along with us as a fun sidekick. Just throwing that out there, a little DM tip. Yeah, what if you found a butterfly that sounded like this? Hey, you stay in your fucking lane, Anthony. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

The idea that a dog would suddenly not want to eat something because it could talk is immoral to me. This dog is... Yeah. Oh, the dog's have a... No, this dog's hungry. This dog's eating a butterfly. It's all good. How are you still hungry? You ate seven of these fucking cookies. It's a lab. It's a lab. Labs eat till they die. Yeah. Labs eat till they die. You just feel great. I did have one hit point taken off me, so I did heal. That's true. You're back up to five hit points, Matt. Congratulations. Nothing could kill you. Oh, I forgot to say, you guys leveled up.

after the end of the last adventure. What did we get? You guys all get to roll one more of your dice for health. Oh,

Is what you guys get. Oh, so is that a D6? Oh my gosh. Are we healing or are we healing? Get it? Pretty good. Okay. I got 11 now. You got 11 hit points. Mazel tov. Six hit points now. Six hit points. I got 10. You got 10. Why do you sound so sad? Well, you only got one. Yeah. You should get a plus one as well. So I now have 11? Yes. Congratulations. And what about you, Anthony? I have 12. All right. You guys both rolled bad, huh? Yep. So as you wind on down the road, you start to pick up more cents. Yeah.

moving along with the scent of the very good boy. Well, I would literally applaud if you just had more sense for us to smell. Holy shit. This is insane. This is insane. Just sending more fucking things. I smell many things on the air. That means that the dumb one is going to get distracted. Can I trust you to keep him in line? Oh, yes, yes. Yes, of course. The most important thing about being an influencer is making sure that the people know their place and you are going to be

my number two on this one oh yeah all right all right very well cookie are they talking about me or you i don't know oh the old dumb one not the young dumb one to clarify i'm still not sure i slowed down my gate and i'm kind of like right behind you matt i bite your tail no i'm behind you how's that gonna work i turn around i bite your tail shit

All right. Give me an attack roll. I'm just like nibbling. It's like play. Okay. Well, all right. Then that's fine. You don't need to. No, we're dog fighting. We're fucking dog fighting. And I kind of like do that thing where they jump back on all fours. I can't. I can't hear on my left side. Don't be there. It'll scare me. Okay. I'll be on your right side. Okay. As you move down the road again, you're starting to smell more animals along with lots and lots of humans. And then in the distance, you see it. A cluster of.

I can read it. What does it say? What does Bethel Deme look like?

It's a smile, but her eyes are evil. Just like me. She's giving like a thumbs up. She looks kind of like mom from Futurama. Oh my God. That kind of scary old lady heat. And there's a salvage yard behind the circus and it's been there for a really, really long time. That's what you see. And you can tell that the scent of the very good boys coming from somewhere inside this place.

The Circus or the Salvage Yard? The Circus. The Salvage Yard was a reference to the Immortal Soul Salvage Yard, which is on Amazon. You can buy it right now. I'm gonna die. If you don't buy my book. Nice. Everyone, we need to stick together. There's a lot of people here, but you can smell that in the air, yes? He's a good boy. We must stick together and move our way through what I assume is...

A fun fair. I've been to one of these before. I vomited many times on the Tirtowell. I was not allowed on it, but my kitty brought me up in her purse. It made for very good content. A big purse to fit a poodle in it. Oh my gosh. It was a Valentino bag. Lipstick? It was lipstick with lipstick in it. My white brown Tirtowell bag. Hold on. Before we go in, it looks like there are many humans walking around. What?

Perhaps we should blend in by perhaps forming a sort of four animals in a trench coat sort of scenario. What do you think? You do see several tabaxi, which are like cat people in line as well. Oh, mochi straight up. The fucking tongue comes out. The eyes shoot out straight from the fucking throat. Did you just do like a little slippy from Star Fox? No.

The most resplendent beings I've ever seen. This is a classic spy move. We should dress like them. Land in amongst them. See how they move freely about. If you can find some clothes that would fit us, I am down for this idea. Oh, okay.

Do people usually bother you guys? We're dogs. We can kind of just go anywhere. But we're special here. They don't know who we are. And the aim of the game is to be sneaky. To spy. Yes. All right. Not because Benye said it, but Cookie, I agree with you because you're a good spy. I'm a good girl, too. Yeah. Benye, you've been mean. Oh, you've been dumb. I know. I can't change that, but you can change being mean. Oh, that's a good point.

I won't though. So what do you guys want to do? So inspired by the upright tabaxi, Mochi's going to try and find something. He's going to do baby hot all over again.

We're going to get a costume and we're going to have Mochi's head sticking out. We know one plan. We're going to have Mochi's head sticking out. Or fucking pets. What do you want? Has it ever worked? No, it hasn't. As you approach, basically there's like a line going up to a gate to get in. You see all these people in line and you're a little surprised to realize that you can hear them talking. At the front, there's an elephant in a tuxedo and the elephant's talking.

And he says, step right up, step right up, get your tickets, one and all, to the most amazing show in Faerun, Bethel Adame's amazing talking animal circus, featuring the one and only very good boy. And everyone claps in delight because they've never seen an elephant talk before. They're flipping their shit. Can we see how much money is being handed over for a ticket? Why, it's ten coppers a ticket. Perfect. Wow. I think we have a plan. So ten of us can go in.

Unfortunately, I think the plan for us to be one person is now the most sound. Actually, this is a weird fantasy world. Is there some sort of human centipede type thing we could pull off that maybe would require us to all be upright and risk falling over? Look around for if there's any walking centipedes. I'm rolling perception to see if there are any walking centipedes. And I got a...

I got a nine. I also got a nine. I got a 17. You got a 17? Yeah. 16. So you are certain there's not. I got a centipede teen. Nice. You see a centipede. It's not very big, but you do see a centipede. Oh, because it's a centipede teen. You can talk to it because it's an animal if you want to. It's like a normal size centipede. It's a normal size centipede. No, it's a teen because I rolled a centipede. It's a centipede teen. Yes, it's a 17-year-old teen. Oh, it's like a cool, cool centipede. It's skateboarding on 100 different skateboards. Yes, he's skateboarding. No, no, no, on 100 different things.

He's skateboarding on a bunch of tech decks and he says, Hey gang, I heard you wanted to talk to a centipede. I heard someone talking mess about centipedes. Does it get any bigger than you ones as well? Do you think I'm not big? I'm a big centipede. Don't know that you can eat him. He's skateboarding down my gullet now. He's fucking rail grinding into my stomach. Not cool. Here I am. Doing it.

I'm in for a meal. I rolled a 17, whatever that is. That's fine. He kickflips and dives through your throat. I don't care. Taste's coming out. He manuals the entire way down your intestinal tract. Yes, he basically does a skateboard trick, and he flies through your intestine so quick that he comes out the other end. Wow. See you later, loser. I collected the tape from your butt.

There was a hidden tape in here. Yeah, there was like, he comes out with like the letters S-K-A-T-E. He looks like Wolverine now. I just love the idea that as he goes in, you just hear the like special sound inside a dog. It took exactly two minutes for him to come out.

I didn't get the E and I got to it all over again. Are there any like flags around? Like, you know, those like carnival string flags? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe we could use. Yeah. There's a triangle flag. I mean, like there's like tarps draped around the sides of the tents.

On the fence, you see like a big tarp hanging over on one side off to the side. Maybe we can all get out of that tarp and then we'll look like a horsey or something. As good a plan as any. It'll do. So let's pull that tarp off stealthily if we can. Ah. All right. We all bite it and we kind of like pull it off. Everybody give me a strength tarp.

check first for the tarp and we'll use your combined strength natural one natural one okay I'm sitting 11 anyway I got a natural 20 natural 20 all right a 7 a 7 and an 11 an 11 all right now everybody give me a stealth check

Oh, natural 20. Ooh, nine. Nine. Ten. No one has noticed you yet. Okay. The tarp is still there. It's like kind of caught and you're like, it's got like those spiky posts. It's caught on one of those posts, but maybe if you gave it another tug, you could get it. Climb up cat. Yeah. Everyone make a perception check.

Two. Three. Eleven. Thirteen. Okay, so with a thirteen, Beth, you notice that the reason that there's a tarp on the side of this thing is it is covering up the evidence of a hole in the fence. Oh. Which is just big enough for you guys to squeeze through about one by one. Okay, so Mochi, climb up and get...

Yeah, just don't tell us. You don't have to tell anybody. Actually, guys, there's a hole here we could just kind of squeeze on through. I will say it's higher than you guys, so you would have to stack up to get through it. Cookie, you go first. Okay. I'm going to get a run in the stack because I'm very fast.

I roll a two. So you trip in the mud and run straight into Donut's butt. And Donut, you stumble forward and clonk your head against the post that has the hole in it. Okay. So give me an attack roll. An attack roll? Against your head against the post. And still insists he's the ghost. So nine. I just rolled a nine. What's the, oh, three. Attack bonus. Nine plus three. So 12. Okay. Roll for damage.

That's just a one plus one. So two. Okay. So the post cracks. Oh, okay. And you realize that like if you kept hitting this post, it would also break open. You might be able to all sneak. Oh, I just start banging my head against it. You start banging your head against it and start making all that noise. I realize it's probably going to attract attention. So Beignet is going to run to the opposite side of the line. Okay. And basically just start doing like an Oliver and Company dance that Kitty had taught her. Oh my God. And it's up to distract everybody with the cuteness of it.

I feel like I should roll performance. Yes, performance. Go for it. Roll all of them. That is going to be an 11. An 11. I want to assist. I want to assist. Yes, go for it. What do you do? I'm going to bat about a piece of a rock. I'm going to find a rock to try and, you know, fucking hit a rock, dude. Yeah, that thing that people love to see is cats hitting rocks. What does a cat do? They play with strings.

Are you trying to help? Like, is this an accompaniment? Dance with me. I've never seen Freddie have such a blind spot that trying to talk about an animal. I know. Just dance with me. Okay, I'll dance with you. I'll dance with you. You need to give me a performance role as well, Freddie. I got 12. A 12. All right. You guys put on a mediocre show of all.

It's really hard to fucking distract people with pets as pets when pets can talk. Yes, like no one is as impressed as they are by the talking elephant who keeps talking. Yeah. The people in the line look at us and then look away. Ben Ye remembers that exact look on Kitty's face shortly after she bought you a ride. Oh, no. No.

And she starts dancing harder. Oh, no. Now the crowd knows you're desperate. So they're not welcoming you now. Mochi, in this world, have you seen a dog and a cat making out yet? I can't say I have, no. That would surely be distracting. We have to do something, surely. They can't look away from me. I won't allow it to happen. Kiss me, you fool. Okay, and so then I think Mochi just gets a big old smooch from Beignet. And Beignet is going...

Try to draw the eye. Give me another... I've seen dogs and catch smooching, but I've never seen an elephant fly. Give me with an advantage. That'll be a 12. A 12. Okay, Freddie. It's just all tongues. It's like... It's so performance. So...

I really want this to work, but you guys were all so shitty. They distracted me by how bad the performance was, so I decided to stop banging my head against the wall, which is what you were doing. They're not going to notice him now. So, yes, you guys make out for a second, and someone looks over, and they're like, I've seen better. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay, never mind. It's normal here. Never mind. That happens all the time, apparently. Cookie's just going to help Donut in trying to make the hole bigger, but she's so small and skinny. She's just going to claw at the... If you stand on top of my back, our two heads can hit the pole at the same time. All right. You don't want to hit the pole? I don't want to hit the pole with my head. Okay, you just stay on my back then. You don't have to hit it. My head's pretty hard. All right, Matt, make an attack roll.

11 plus 3, so 14. I got an 18 at staying on his back, so I feel like with the added weight and density. Oh yeah, baby! P equals MV, baby! P equals MV! We'll add another plus 1 to your damage. I went science. 3 damage? Yeah, I've done 5 damage so far. Okay, Cookie hits it with her head. Okay, give me an attack roll, Cookie. Okay.

That was a very good PNV joke, by the way, Anthony. Oh, natural 20. All right. You fucking bust it open. Like, yes, it's like your clonk hits it and it tilts a little bit and then you're like, oh man, I didn't get it. And then Cookie's head just launches into it and just knocks it completely loose. Nice. So now there is a slim opening into the interior. Cookie forgets her entire backstory. Now she's Jason Bourne. Okay.

Cookie's like, there's three treats in the corner. Why do I know this? Why do I know this? I could trot for five miles before I paused our train. I know the best place to find a treat is in the pocket of that big guy over there. I assume you guys enter. All right. So it's basically Dumbo meets Island of Dr. Moreau in here. It's like, that's awful. It's a carnival event.

And there's, you know, you see a bunch of stuff. You see a lot of animals in goofy looking little suits walking around. They're kind of the employees of the carnival, you know, taking care of stuff, selling stuff, you know, walking around. And then you see a lot of scowling human guards, like keeping an eye on them. You see like one of them starts slacking off like a giraffe is just trying to take a smoke break. And then someone comes over and kind of whacks him on the knee with a dilly club. How does a giraffe smoke? Vomit.

Very carefully. With two cigars in his trunk? He leans down to a baboon to get a light on his cigar. Wait, yeah, actually, does it smoke from the mouth or from the end of the trunk? Wait, giraffes do not have trunks, Matt. Stop, stop, stop, Matt. What the fuck are you talking about? Matt, what's a giraffe? Matthew? Matthew, you have a daughter? What's a giraffe? I'm going to go get a Coke Zero.

You've been kidding the co-dealer pretty hard, huh, Matt? Now you're talking about an elephant. There's guards posted by the entrance. A sign out front has a picture of the very good boy on it, sort of like his Vegas residency photo. There's a big top tent. However, there's a little area behind the big top tent that's kind of like a backstage. You see some animal cages. You see some animals in them. There's two guards at the back entrance kind of talking to a line of what looks like hopeful people with their own animals and silly costumes, like,

kind of rehearsing, juggling and stuff like that. Fucking try-hards. You see also there's a big Ferris wheel in this area and it's being powered by a giant gerbil running in a wheel. There's a food vendor who's selling some delicious looking sticks of meat. And there is a midway that is full of carnival games, which is being run by a talking unicorn. Oh, fucking whoa. And yes, the scent of the very good boys coming from inside the big top tent.

It looks like that area in the back where they are auditioning is our infiltration point. We could talk our way through and pretend to be some sort of new attraction for this. This is such a level of Hitman right now, bro. It's so fucking tight. We can just go and pretend to be... Yeah, we go into the back and pretend to be a new attraction and try to get in that way. All these things are distracting. There's games and definitely I want that meat, but like...

Focus. Focus. Yeah, exactly. We got to keep moving. We got to get back. Think about those kids or whatever under the thing that are dying. The puppies. Yeah, they're starving. Yeah, think about them. Yeah. Okay, so you head over to the line. You see people nervously waiting. There's this one guy that's clearly rehearsing a stand-up comedy bit with his parrot. And there are- I want to roll inside so I can hear a little bit of that bit. Yeah. Go ahead. I think I'm going to roll as well. I rolled a natural 20. Oh!

So he hears, it sounds like he hears the whole type five. Yeah, here we go. Hold on. Let me just, uh, can you take out a timer or something? Yeah. All right. Give me 60 seconds on the clock. All right. Ready? Yeah. And,

here you go. From the top. Hey, everybody, it's me, Billy, and I'm Wally the parrot. Hey, Wally, that's my line. Give me a break. You're supposed to be my ventriloquist parrot. People aren't supposed to know you're a real parrot. Yeah, it's like, shut up, you dumb fuck. I'm Wally, and I cuss, and I say rude stuff. Wally, gee whiz, man. Like, stop giving me such a hard time. He says, hey, fuck you. You're just a dumb piece of shit, you lazy asshole. Like, I'm the star. Aw, crap, Wally. You're really...

like busting my balls here man like give me a break and while he says hey look at this ugly crowd full of dumb chuckle fucks go fuck yourself look at this lazy idiot in the front row i didn't know will had an advanced screener copy of season four of rick and morty oh my god 45 seconds uh and uh while he says hey man that's not cool you shouldn't don't be a jerk okay he's like hey that's all part of the laughs right comedy's a safe space to be an asshole everyone needs to stop being so offended cancel culture am i right

I'm sorry for my rude parrot, everybody. He just says the stuff that we're all thinking. So I just heard blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Yes, you didn't hear any of that. I understand the parrot, right? Yes, you do. So I just heard the parrot cursing. I think I'd be like, blah, blah, blah. His parrot's just like fucking going off. Damn, I should have done that as the bit. Actually, no, you can hear and understand everything because the very good boy is here. That's why you can hear people talk. Oh, that guy was funny. That's the sort of humor a donut likes. Donut loves that edgy. He listens to a lot of Joe Rogan. Yeah, probably.

if you're at a truck stop, it's probably Rogan 24 fucking 7, dude. You probably got all kinds of conspiracy theories. Damn. Fucking parrot like, Ivermectin.

Is there somebody ushering people or checking people to make them come in? Or what's the situation here? Is it just a bunch of people waiting for their names to be called? You can go ask the guard if you want to find out. Also, Will, can you go ahead and roll for yourself how well that person did? So that gives us an idea how to sort of focus. What's the thing in this world? Can we just say the F word a lot? He got a 16.

Oh, so people love that. That's pretty fucking good. That's what it is. Better comedians. Oh, so it's just like our world. Wait, he's a white man, so let me roll with advantage. Yeah.

That white man said exactly what he was thinking. I think you can do well in this town. I'm going to talk to the guard and go like, oh, we're next up. And I rolled, I guess, a deception, and I got 21. You're here to audition? Where's your human? Where's our human? It is I. I'm the human. You're a cat. No, no, no. He's a druid. He's a druid. That's the show. That's the joke of it. Don't you know that? Have some respect for the festival. All right, Freddy, roll deception. For fuck's sake. I've never seen a human turn into a cat before.

Oh, 19. Nice. That's our show. Damn it. So yeah, he says, oh, you're the human. Well, I am going to need you to turn back into a human so you can sign the contract. If you just don't want us to do it, William, then just tell us not to do it. No, it was to believe, and this was my plan, was you were going to have to sign a contract as a human. I turn around to the rest of the thing. I'm like, this guy's racist against cats.

Yeah, I thought you said you were a druid. And the tabaxi's look... I thought, hold up, you said you were a druid, not a cat. Yeah, and because he's in the form of a cat, now you're giving him the second degree. All right, fuck off, get out of here. He's a methadone. Thank you, thank you. And then we start heading inside. No, if you want to come back, come with me.

you're human what does the tabaxi say when they realize that this guy's racist against cats they go we're not cats we're tabaxi you're racist oh please excuse please excuse my problematic friend he is a white man when he's not a cat and then the parent goes give me a fucking break tabaxi's y'all are

the same as cats to me. Give me a break. Oh my God. People love him. People like that joke. And people love it. The guard's like, look, you guys go get your human or turn into a human inside the form and you can get in. But we've had a lot of animals come in here and try to pull the druid routine on me. So without my boss, I believe you. I believe that you're a human. I failed my deception check, but my boss will read me out if I don't get a human signature on this form. Our human is going in the trough. So we'll go bring the contract to him. Yeah. All right. Well, look, here's the contract.

If you go get your human to sign it and bring it back, I'll see what I can do. As you guys are doing this, you see a little kid and their parent. The parent is dragging the little kid away from the carnival games. And the little kid's like, but mommy, I want it. And she's like, no, you've wasted enough money already. So you're like,

But, Mommy, it would be so funny if I won that collar that turns animals into so they look like humans. That would be so hilarious. If I put that on my little doggie and we could pull a hilarious prank on Father. But I couldn't win that stupid carnival game. Perhaps this could be our human. Yes. Yes, let's go steal that child. The mother goes, you little brat. What just happened?

Wait here while I go get drunk. And then she walks off. Oh, my God. Hello, Chad. Would you like to help us infiltrate that big top? No, I don't want to do that. I'm a little kid. I want to go play carnival games. I don't care about this stupid. The circus sucks. Why do you guys want to be in the circus? Because the circus is super cool for super cool people like us. It's super cool. Yeah, it's cool. And it's fun. You could be like us. Look at us. What would I have to do? Oh, you just have to sign your name on a little piece of paper. Yes, we need your signature. Very simple. It wouldn't take a second. You don't even have to sign your own name. All right.

fine, I'll do it. But you guys got to go win that human animal collar for me because I think it's so funny. Like, don't you get how it's funny that like I could put it on my dumb dog and then my dumb dog could run around and I pretend to be a human and then like, you know, could fall down the stairs and I could sue somebody and they wouldn't know who it was. And I turn off, I take the collar off and it's just a dog. Wouldn't that be funny? I didn't think it was funny at first, but then when you said it, I was like, that's funny. Okay, great. The carnival's right over there. So just go win it for me.

Okay, we'll be right back. And I will give you that signature. You stay here and hide from Yemaza if she comes back. She cannot find you. I hope it's a fetch game because those are games that I'm good at. That kid sucked. So if we win this, we should just use it. Yes. Well, actually, maybe there's some way we can use it to ruin his life. Oh. Oh.

Maybe we can flame him for something. Focus, remember focus. Hey, you're right. Okay, so do you guys head over to the carnival? We head over to the carnival game. All right, you hear some hurdy-gurdy music playing. You see a dapper or unicorn in a little striped vest in front of a booth with a bunch of zany games. He says, come one, come all to the fantastic carnival game experience here at the Cirque du Beth May Cirque du May Circus. Fuck, I fucked up the line. Please don't hit me. And then this guard behind him is like, I'll hit you next time.

You there, you look like strapping young pets. Think you'd like to take a crack at these games of chance and mystery to win these fabulous prizes? And then on his wall, you see three things. You see a stick, unlike any stick you've seen before. It's ornately carved. It seems to be glowing with red energy on its end. And then you also see a collar with a weird diamond on it. And you see...

full of glowing, mysterious liquid. I've got three games for three.

Fabulous prizes. If you win them all, you win them all. Step on up. We just want the collar. How do we win the collar? Don't tell him that. He'll raise the price on it. That collar looks like a piece of shit who only idiots would take, but I guess I'll play your games. Give me a persuasion roll. Or deception, I guess. You ever been nagged by a dog? That is a 19. The unicorn starts flop swiping. No way. My games are super cool. What does his trunk look like? What is his trunk? On the unicorn. His big old long trunk. Right, Matt? Why are you so mean? What?

My truck doesn't look like a dick. It looks like a unicorn horn. Sorry, that's a giraffe. You think you can beat this game? Go ahead. Give it your best shot. I'll even give it to you half off. I was going to charge you three copper. I'll only charge you one to play. Yeah, you right. But you right there, sir. And none of your friends. Only you got to do it if you want it. No, I want to play too. I'm a good girl. It's a one player game. So you guys are going to have to choose which one of you. Oh, no. It sounds like the big cop.

cocky poodle who thinks he's so cool should play. Well, Cookie's the one with the coins, so Cookie pays a man and plays a game. Cookie, it sounds like you want to do it in your spot. You should believe in yourself. Wow. Thanks, Donut. I guess I'll play. All right, Cookie. As long as the cat doesn't play. This is some fucking bullshit.

What I'm about to show you is the most contabulous, fabulous puzzle box ever created by man for a dog. And I need you with only your paws and your nose and mouth to find the

All five treats in this dog casino game. What the fuck am I looking at here, Will? A slow feeder. This is basically a puzzle game made for dogs. We'll post a picture online. You hide treats in them. Will has taken out a contraption from his bag. It's basically a big square contraption full of slots and traps and stuff. So, Beth, I put five candies in here. I'm going to put it on the table. Okay. And then I'm going to give you one minute. Holy shit. To decipher how this puzzle works. What hurts the most is knowing that I'm not smarter than a dog. Oh, yeah.

You have to use your fists because you're a dog, like because you don't have opposable thumbs. So my opposable... You just can't use your thumbs. Just make fists with your hands. You can use your knuckles like claws, but you can't use your hands themselves. Perfect. And then what am I... What's the thing? So basically there are five Sour Patch Kids hidden in that contraption cell. Beth, dogs don't get instructions. Dogs don't get instructions. They figure it out on their own. All right, I'm going to start the timer.

And here we go. So Beth is poking at this, what looks like a board game of some kind. There you go, slide them. Beth has now figured out that the tiles slide. She's having difficulty. You can see them? Yes, I can see them. Well, use your mouth to grab them. We're just turning over it.

Okay, all right. This is now not... I don't know if we can actually post this video. Just flip the whole thing over. Just saying you're straight. I'm straight-ish.

Can she use her fingers to pull the candy out? She can. Sure. Because she literally can't get her anything. Oh, yes. If you can't bend over for it, then yes, you can use your claws. She has now found two. By sliding the tiles around, she has found a third. How many are there? Only have five?

It appears, however, though, that there were only three in the outside. So there's now a spinny kind of wheel attachment in the middle that she's spinning around. She found the fourth. Maybe. No. No, she's spinning a wheel with a slot in it. The unicorn has decided to give you a little bit more time because Cookie looks so sad as she's doing this. She's having difficulty. Oh, okay, there's a notch in the circular thing. You guys can help. He's not looking. She's found another one.

How much time left, Will? We're way past the time, but this is... Give a countdown. 10, 9, 8, 7... Beth has found all five. Congratulations. One minute, 40 seconds. It's Beth May. While it was happening, was Mochi trying to just steal the prize while everyone was distracted? Oh, 100%. That's great. Mochi was trying to steal it the whole time. Cookie, you did it. Cookie, I'm so proud of you. Do you have the rest of the Sarabachkins? No.

So yeah, during that entire time, I think Mochi was like, all these idiots are distracted. Give me a sleight of hand roll with advantage. Or a stealth roll with advantage. Is that stressful, Beth? Yeah, very. I've never seen you so stressed. I'm always that stressed when anything like that happens. Wait, when anything like what happens? Whenever somebody asks me to play with a dog toy, I get really stressed out. It happens.

14 plus 3, 17. Okay, 17. While this is going on, you have a shot to steal one thing. Okay. And then we'll let you press your luck, but the DC is going to keep going up. So which one would you like to steal first? Probably the collar because that's the one that this fucking Lord Fauntleroy wanted. Okay, so you successfully pilfered the collar. Would you like to keep pressing your luck? Of course. All right, so just give me another roll.

15 plus 3, 18. 18. Again, you see a potion and you see a stick. Oh, definitely the potion. The cat could give a shit about a stick, right? You get the potion and what else? I think I'm going to just drink that potion right away. Okay. I have three cards here. Come over and pick one of these cards. And this is what the potion gives you. I'll just say, fuck you. I've drawn a card from Will. I get charm person as well.

So yeah, you have that spell now. You can cast it. Oh shit. You get three casts for the day. So congratulations. Right as Cookie finishes up the skill challenge, he goes, ah, it looks like you didn't quite do it in time, but you know what? I'll give you a concept. That's weird.

Where do all my prizes go? Jesus, it's... We gotta get out of here. Ah, you know, I feel kind of bad. I feel like I let you in. I don't want to leave you empty-handed. Why don't you go ahead and take this? And he grabs the stick. Oh, wow. He throws it to you. This does not seem like a sustainable business. Don't tell anyone I gave you this stick. I don't know what it does. Don't give him the stick. Okay.

Don't give him the stick. They said it's cool. I'm a unicorn. I don't really understand what it's for, but knock yourself out. I feel like if you give it a good, firm bite at some point, it'll probably, whatever it does, it'll do it. I bite it. Okay. It is.

Freddy got a spell when he did his thing. It is a wand of fireball. Wow. So you have to do a shot of fireball and Will is pulling a bottle of fireball out of it. I haven't drank in years. Here we go. Where are you pointing when you bite it? Who had it? Was he still holding it out? He kind of chucked it to you.

You know what? It should be pointing at the kid. I love that. Kiss River. Maybe we do like spin the bottle and just see where it points. Okay, sure. It's flying through the air at me. Hold on. The kid needs to be somewhere. It's pointing at me, so it's pointing at him. Okay. So a bright streak flashes from the wand to a point you choose within range and then blossoms into the low roar into an explosion of flame. Holy shit. Each creature in a 20-foot radius sphere centered on that point must make a dexterity saving throw. Huge explosion. Huge.

Unicorn. That's wild. This carnival gave you a gun. One of the presents was a fucking block. Like a bazooka. You're supposed to have six flags. You're supposed to have six flags and you get a fucking Russian grenade. It was wild that they gave away goldfish. Like, that's a living thing. And goldfish are hard to take care of. They require a

big tank but they're like here's a fucking cup with a goldfish hold on this unicorn fucked yeah DC okay uh so he is now gonna take 8d6 of damage his trunk burned off he's not he's a unicorn I know I was assuming that meant aimed at the kid because you're an NPC and you played the kid no but we were playing I'm right next to the unicorn that kid sucks that kid sucks um

This kid's dying one way or the other. So he takes 23 points of damage and goes, hot crawdads, I'm on the lam. He realizes that he's just blown up his own stand and he leaps over the fence and runs away. Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke, it's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh my God. Okay, so like, you know in Dune they have the box of pain? That's like the opposite.

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See store for details. What would you guys like to do? The guards are starting to get suspicious. We're just trying to get to the dog, right? Yeah, but we have a gun now, dude. We should just fucking go in blazing. Can't we just run in and people are probably fleeing? I mean, it's a Forgotten Realms carnival. Oh, we got the thing, right? One of us should turn into a human. Yes, you have a collar that can turn one of you into a human. I will point that out. I'm going to give it to Beignet. What? I've been around humans the most. Beignet goes, I agree, Donut. I think we should see what you look like as a human. And Beignet is going to gingerly put it around Donut's neck.

You know, go ahead and tell me, because it's kind of like based on your own spirit. Like, tell me the type of human that Donut turns into. I turn into... Uh-oh, he's hot. A six foot six. I look like just Jon Hamm. No. Jon Hamm blossoms gloriously. With really long hair. With really long hair. And he's wearing whatever you think humans wear. So what is he wearing? He's wearing overalls.

And the merch of the truck stop. Okay, so he's got an ex-truck stop shirt on. Like a dirty off-white shirt with overalls. Okay, so he looks fucking really hot. Fucking cave. So, okay, what do you guys want to do? Johnny. Hey. Where? These are my animals. Signs and paper. Signed it. Woof.

Sign the paper. Don't woof. No, no, no. Sign the paper. It's a woof day. That's what the ladies say when they look at me. Woof. Oh, look at that hot man. I signed this paper. Go ahead and put your name. What's your name, sir? What's your name? My name is Dan Danielson. Mine's Donut. Okay. So just go ahead and, you know. He's Welsh. He's Welsh. Okay. Yeah, we have that here. Go ahead and sign your name on the paper for me, Donut. I am.

Can you do that for me? I actually legally can't do that. I need you to do that. Just sign it. Okay, I try to sign it. I believe in you. Okay. You get advantage on signing it now because Cookie believes in you. So yeah, give me a dexterity roll, I guess. 18 plus 3. Oh, wow. So 18 plus 3. All right, so yes, you somehow managed. I think you maybe have seen from the book. I draw a donut. Oh, yes. Ha ha ha.

A really good donut, though. Okay. Like a Simpsons-esque donut. It's just how we spell it in my culture. All right. Well, that means that we now own the whole concept of your act. Oh, yeah. That's fine. But yeah, if you want to go ahead and audition, go ahead and wait inside the tent. There's another show going on right now. It's another audition, so just be quiet. And they'll call you when they're ready, Donut. I bend over and I start walking on all fours. I do it to head the way.

Wow, he's so method. You guys get into the tent, I assume. We follow him in. When you enter the tent, you see that it is indeed your classic three-ring circus. They love him in this world. Wasn't there three rings in that? I mean, Matt, the human, remember that there's three rings at the passageway?

There's a pattern on the ground. There were rings. Yeah, there were rings. Yeah, there were rings. Sigils. Sigils, there we go. That's the word I was looking for. It's pretty empty in there. So sitting on the far right ring is the very good boy. He's asleep as he's been every time you've seen him. He's got a magical rope tied around his neck and then it's hitched to a stake in the ground in the middle of that ring.

In the center ring, you see a nervous looking man playing piano for a frog in a top hat and a cane. He's singing, hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Hello, my fair rune gal. And so this frog is doing this little vamp number. You see a thoroughly bored Bethela DeMay watching, and she's like, it's just not edgy enough. I don't know. She lacks the wit of something that I might find in my immortal soul. If you guys want to do a search check to see if there's anything around the tent, you

I'll roll a search check. I guess it'd be perception. I like search check. 10, 16. One. I walk up to Bethela. Bethela de May. As Jon Hamm. Okay. In overalls on all fours. Okay.

Holy shit. My fantasies are coming true. As you walk up, you see her saying, no, no, no, get out of here. I need an act with some sex, some baboom, some show. Hello. And then I awkwardly like stand up onto my tall twos, like these long hairs, like my hair whips back. And I rolled a natural 20 on my inside, which I don't know what's the inside, but I just want to like check her out. Like what's the vibe? I don't know why. Yeah. Just anything. Yeah. The vibe. She's a bad person. Yeah.

How does she feel upon seeing me? She's like, all right, this is a handsome man. I don't know why he crawled over here. That's a little strange, but she says, you think you're the first hot stud to come crawl into me, you piece of shit? If you've got an act, let's see it, but don't try to pull this razzle dazzle on me. Jesus Christ, like there's two of them. Which one do I shoot?

And then myself. Okay. I just pet huddle. Okay. Hey, so. You're so tall up there. Yeah. Can you take this off me? I don't like being this guy. So I take it off. Oh, the cola? Did you take it off? Yeah.

We all need a human to sign in, right? Yeah. That's true. Okay, well, I take it off. Okay. Maybe she noticed. Are you trying to do this hidden somewhere? The rafters, maybe. Yeah, let's do that. We're doing like a pet huddle. Okay, so you're behind the rafters. Okay, so you've taken the collar off. We're under the rafters where the high schoolers kiss. Nice. You see two high schoolers kissing, and then they run away. You see a teen cat and dog kissing, and they're doing a much better job than you. Young love. Oh, so that's how it's done. That's what it feels like.

A lot more tongue. That is mean. The dog's here. We could just take the steak off or just unrope it. We could dig down deep so the steak has nothing to be stuck into? Yeah. That sounds like a good idea.

Like a fence pole? You could also charm someone. I could perhaps take on this collar. Oh, I put the collar on you. And then I morph into... Because you got charmed. Take it away. I think I'm just like a buck naked. Okay. Like, I don't have clothes. Yeah, we know what buck naked means. What actor has the most... What about Benedict Cumberbatch? That's a cat. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a cat. I'm a naked Benedict Cumberbatch. Okay. Comes up and goes like, hmm, this form is quite disgusting. But perhaps...

I could charm this. Are you saying that to us or her? No, no, to you, to you, to you. I've not gone anywhere yet. That's definitely a move. Wait, the cat energy is better than Cumberbatch doing an American accent. Oh, okay. Oh, this is so hard. This is so difficult. I don't know how much I like being this right now, but let me try to work my charms on this human woman. On Destiny? Yeah.

So surely these are other humans. She's the most dangerous person here. Maybe we could convince somebody else to, you know, distract. To do what exactly? Well, if we're going to dig up the stake, then someone else could be making a distraction in one of the other three rings. So nobody's looking at them. Maybe you could convince someone to distract. So you hear Bethel to make a where the hell did that act go? Where where where are they? We would send in the next act. I'm still doing auditions here. You know what, Mochi? I was wrong.

It's not about distracting someone. This is your time to shine. You think I'm ready? I think you were born ready. Very well. And so Benedict Cumberbatch... Sounds like a speaking spell. Oh my God. With a fucking... Just like naked as the day he was born with a diamond studded collar. Steps struts confidently out. And Bethel Deme is like, this actually does nothing to me. You would think...

You would think maybe it would, but it actually does nothing. Yeah, Jon Hamm was in. So Bethel Adame is like, okay, we're kind of a talking animal show. Do you have any talking animals? I'm almost scared to ask. This cock. I bite his cock. It makes it spinning. Yeah, I meat spin my way up now. I hold my hand. I'm like, I do. Where are they? Behold.

I look back to my corner to see if any of these other animals are going to come out. So I'm not going to dig. So I will come out with Mochi. I'll go dig. Okay, so you're going to try to dig the steak out. Yeah. Okay. Say something to the people watching. Here are the races I do not like. In order!

She was about to boo you. She was about to kick you out. And then she stops. And she's like, you have my attention. The guy with the parrot is like right behind you. He's like, God damn it. This is so much easier. He stole my fucking routine. I'm like Robin Williams. Okay, but Betheladime is going to make a perception check. I'm going to wink at her before she can do that.

She has nothing for you. To charm her. Oh, you need a charm person? Yeah. Okay. I came out my ding-a-ling swinging a little bit and I winked at her and I charmed person. So she's going to make a wisdom saving check to save against naked Benedict Cumberbatch. She got an 18. So she's not impressed by your wink.

I told you. Or you wink. Nice. Machi machi. So she got a six, which is good for you guys because it does mean she does not remember you from the forest. Ripping her friends in three. Yeah, she was a little so distraught by the dead face of Anthony Birch that she does not recognize you when you guys strut in. So she says, all right, fellas, let's see the act. And now it's my turn to turn the tables on you. I have a very racist dog.

How, the audience, how racist is he? Well, whenever he sees a insert race here.

She, whenever she sees a, oh, a white, like the monster, like a white, like the W-I-G-H-T. Whenever she sees a white, she, uh, uh, uh. Roll performance probably, right? I'm also going to do performance while he's thinking of something to say. I got a 19. Okay. And I go, normal people, they walk like this. But whites, they walk like this. Oh, oh, beignet. And then she cackles and goes, ah!

Do goblins. Do goblins next. You ever have a goblin friend? Boy, oh boy, do they always do this? And then I chest you over to Beignet. All right, Beignet will once again do your performance. There are three goblins at the front row just staring straight at you. That's why she said it. Yeah. So I got a 15.

Goblins are so ugly. How ugly are they? That when a goblin mother, she saw she had a zit on her nose and she popped it, but it was a son and she snapped his neck and he died.

Oh, shit. Hot damn. That's a good one. I say what other people are scared of saying. You are all thinking it. All right. As this is going on, Cookie, we'll let you do. A strength? Or wait, what? I'll let you do your athletics check, which you have a bonus to. Yes. Because you're digging very quickly. This is like you're running at the dirt. Yes. Running at the dirt. I was literally thinking, I was like, I'm so fast running horizontally, and this is just me running vertically.

Okay, I got an 11. Okay, you got an 11. I want to assist if I can. Give me a stealth check with advantage. Okay, 15 plus one. Okay, so 16. Yeah, 16. So yes, you're able to go over while Benny is doing her racist jokes. Go ahead and give me a dig roll.

That'll be a 13. So yes, you guys are about halfway through, through digging up this post. Looks like we need more racist jokes. Mochi, Mochi, vamp, vamp. But enough of individual races in aggregate. Let's see the crowd. And the light turns onto the crowd like, you there, sir, and I point at... Just a normal human man. Nice baby dick. Isn't it crazy how humans have little tiny baby dicks? You have a baby with a baby dick.

The human man... You gotta roll to see if the crowd loves it. Yeah, the crowd cracks up. The human man, like, he's laughing, but, like, you can tell it kind of deep. And who is that next to you, sir? Why, that's my lovely wife. We've been married for 20 years. P.U., this guy stinks. 20 years. How many orgasms, ma'am? How many with his baby dick?

You can answer. That's crowd work. She holds up both hands to indicate ten times. I'm going to go ahead and roll insight. I rolled a 19 insight. Is she telling the truth? She is not. Liar! Hey, everyone. You know what we do with liars. What do we do with liars? Pissed. On. Damn. Shoes.

And Ben Yeh runs up the rafters and starts peeing on her shoes. Oh, Ben Yeh, I can't control you at all. This is the first time she's been wet her whole marriage. Oh, my God.

So Betheladime is beside herself with laughter as she's watching you piss on this deeply uncomfortable man's shoes. I was peeing on the wife's shoes. Oh, you're peeing on the wife's shoes. Oh my God. So she's cracking up. She's completely distracted. Careful. That means you belong to him now. Leave the jokes to me, sonny. Yours a face, I'm brains.

Oh, my God. Go ahead and give me a dig roll, you two. I just got 19. 19, great. I got a three. Okay, so we'll- I was laughing. I was laughing too hard. You were laughing too hard. The joke. The stake is like almost out. It feels like a good push could knock it over. So why don't Matt give me a strength check to tip it over?

Donut, could you give me a push here? Oh, yeah. That's an 18. Okay, so with an 18, the steak springs loose and falls onto the ground. Because it's dirt, you can't quite hear it. But the dog is just sleeping. That went well. Yeah. Okay. I guess we'll just wait for him to wake up. All right.

Bethelda Mae is wiping tears from her eyes and she looks up and she sees the guard from outside, like pointing at his watch. Do they have watches in this world? Yeah.

In this particular corner of Faerun, it is completely up to you. Yes, he points at the sundial on his watch and realizes he's inside. It's changing time. But he goes, look, and he gestures outside and he goes, all right, all right, fellas, I've seen enough. You've got the gig. You're fantastic. You're terrific.

I want to sign you right away. When can you start? Right now. All right, that's terrific. Well, look, you can tell she is about to look at you guys. So you have one action to try to wake this dog up. You can put the collar on the dog. Holy shit. It's gigantic. It's not going to fit on the dog. As an anklet?

Yeah. On a paw? On a paw? On a thingy? On a thingy. That's interesting. Yeah. If you guys want to try to do that, I guess. So I think Moshi's going to go... You guys put an armband on a dragon as an earring. Fair enough. Moshi's going to be like, you've been a great crowd. We've been a great crowd.

We will see you later. And he reaches up to the collar and whips it off like a Frisbee towards now catch towards the other. I will make a catch roll. Okay. And as I fling it, I turned back into a cat in midair. And now Bethel is blinking in astonishment. 14. All right. You catch it. Nice. Can you bring it back? I'm compelled to bring it back.

In slow motion, Bethelda Mae's eyes turn towards you and towards the dog. What do you do? I run up to it and I go under its big ears. I get my face all the way into its ears and mouths. Okay. And I go, hey, you probably want to wake up because the hunter is here. Ooh, that's good. Give me a deception roll, though. Dang, you would lie to this good boy? Damn. Ooh, yeah. There we go. What's deception? Deception.

That's a 17. Oh, okay. So I'm hearing the word hunter. The dog's eyes bolt open. Oh my God. And he does that like half bark thing where he's like, so yeah, the dog goes, but now Bethel to me is fully on to what's going on. Okay. Cookie is extremely fast. So fast.

Faster than a greyhound and tries to put the collar around his little pinky toe on his back foot. Okay. We'll just let you do that because that seems like a fairly simple operation, right? Plus, his feet are right there because he's shrimping. Yes, he's shrimping. So you're able to now absolutely check off shrimp. Wait, and I shrimp him?

It's shrimp-ception. Yes. As you shrimp the collar onto his foot, the very good boy turns into a giant naked man. Sexualize your dog now, Will. Come on, Will. What does Roscoe look like as a man? He looks like, I mean, he's got like kind of a silvery, we're going with hot guys, right? Like a Gilbert Gottfried? Sam Watterson? No. All right, you know what?

Yeah, Sam Waterston. Why not? Young Salt-N-Pepa Sam Waterston, buck naked, appears in front of you. He's huge in size. This is a gigantic man. So Sam Waterston stirs awake. Those eyebrows, yeah. And his eyebrows go, and he goes, Bethelda May gasps. And she goes, guards!

Fetch Quest is Matt Arnold as Donut, Anthony Birch as Beignet, Beth May as Cookie, Freddie Wong as Mochi, and myself, Will Campos, as the Doggy Master. Our theme song is by Maxton Waller, Courtney Tehran is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Chad Ellis is our editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, Robin Rapp is our transcriber, and Marci Campos is our game design consultant.

Hey, hey, Patreon subscribers. Thank you so much, as always, for supporting the show. And an extra special thanks this week to Jared Ayers, Rin, Rebecca Helm, Amelie Biao, Liz, Hector Romeo, Derek Provencio, Luke Polito, Austin Hamm, Jessica, Alex Greaves, Raleigh Robbins,

Mac Liebel, and Gabby May. The final episode of Fetch Quest will be out for everyone on December 14th, but if you just can't wait that long, consider joining our Patreon. Dungeons & Daddies Patreon supporters get our final Fetch Quest episode a whole week earlier on December 7th.

Oh yeah, and they also get hundreds of hours of bonus content like our Talking Dads After Show, exclusive mini campaigns and one-shots like All That Jizz, our extremely not-safe-for-work Star Wars RPG adventure, and tons of other cool goodies like exclusive merchandise. Head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads to become a supporter today. Once again, Fetch Quest Episode 3 will be coming your way December 14th and December 7th for patrons.

We'll see you then. And until next time, if you have a dog and you have a car, get your dog a car harness. I'm begging you. You wouldn't let your kid sit back there without a seatbelt. The same should go for your pooch. All right. We'll see you next time.

What is Oliver and Company? Oh my God. What? What is it though? Another thing with a hot dog for no reason. Oliver Twist, but about cats and dogs. And Billy Joel plays this like hot dog. Oh, it's the Billy Joel one. Yes. The bizarre Billy Joel one. It's not a very good movie actually. I think it's amazing. As a kid, I loved it. I loved it.