PWP (Pops Without Plot) ft. Neil Newbon
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Hello, this is Esther here to wish you a happy new year. To celebrate the end of 2024, we've prepared a one-shot with a very special guest who will be particularly exciting for those computer game nerds out there. Stay after the credits for a preview of Dadhammer Episode 2, now available to all patrons. Without further ado... Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Welcome, welcome, faithful listener, to Dungeons & Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This time, it is a podcast that takes place in an unclear part of the Season 1 chronology. That's right, the Season 1 dads are back, but they're not alone. Yay!

You gave me a really clear timeline, though. I did give you a clear timeline. It's after BDSM, but before we found Grant. Yes. Their kids are not with you, but Peyton is, and you have- And I've experienced things. Pleasured yourself. Great. I don't remember that, but yes. The timeline is AD is after Dennis, and BCEDSM is after the BDSM episode. It's between those two periods. The second coming? No!

Holy shit! Well, that asshole who just was funnier than all of us is our guest. He's one of our two guests. Our first guest you know and love already. It's Amanda Shuckman. Amanda is co-DMing our adventure today. Say hi, Amanda. Hello, everybody. You don't have to do anything he tells you to do, Amanda. Oh, no. When he was like, say hi, Amanda, that rubbed off on me.

me the wrong way. I should have just been like, don't tell me what to do. Yeah, yeah. But our other guest, well, not other guest, that makes it sound like you're secondary. I'm secondary. Yeah, fuck it, you are. Yeah, it's fine. Is Neil Newbon, acclaimed Spike Award winning voice actor? Wait, wait, a Spike Award? That's the first time we've got one of those on here. But yes, if you've ever played Baldur's Gate 3, you have heard his, actually, if you've ever played a video game, you have heard Neil's voice.

He's in town and we asked him if he wanted to do a one shot with us and he said yes. We're friends with lots of cool celebrities here at Dungeons and Dragons. I'm Gary Gygax in secret. You just tried to manifest being Matt Mercer. We are doing a little adventure.

together. Yay. Beth, did you say you had it? I think we're all going to do dad facts that we're going to do. No, we're not. We're going to do dad facts. Let's do it. Let's go. Blind. Go. So fun fact about Ron. Neil, I'm so sorry. What's the character you play in Baldur's Gate 3? It is a small character by the name of Astarion, who's a paleo vampire kind of thirsty trap thing. Fun fact about Ron is he's Astarion this dick.

Okay, no more dad facts. Not going to get any better than that. Oh, no. Four dads, one Crunchy Munchy, one Rock and Roll, one Jock and Ron, are walking through the forest with their boy ward, Payton, when they come across an abandoned shack. Payton?

Don't just run in there. I've already had that baby. No. Peyton has sprinted into the doorway of the shack. No, it might be haunted. Well, you got to let kids grow up someday. He doesn't want to go. Let the boy examine the shack. That's what he wants. So Peyton walks out and he looks like uncharacteristically down. And he goes, it's kind of sad. Oh, gee whiz, Peyton. What's wrong? It's kind of sad in there. You don't like the way he's on there? It's a little sad. We should cut a bit.

Well, I don't like being sad, man. Yeah, but you looked happy going in and you look sad coming out. There's somebody in there who probably needs help.

And not the stabbing guy, until I'm not used to it. Henry kneels next to Peyton and says, Peyton, are you the sad little boy in there that needs help? No, you little bitch. There's somebody else in that room. I don't, Peyton. We've talked about using gendered words like that to be mean to me. They could be bitches. So do you have inside? Yeah. Okay, so inside...

I love this. You're that audible poser. Like, should we fuck him? Should we fuck him? I was like, yeah, we'll just leave. And Neil sits here and watches us do a different adventure for 90 minutes. So inside you see. Oh, we got a splinter. God damn it. Ron, sit down. It's better now.

We need you going out today. You're really bringing out your best shipper again. So inside you see a young boy sitting amongst a small mountain of pages of doodles and handwritten words and journal stuff. And it seems like he's playing with two wooden dolls and sort of smashing them together. What does this character look like, Neil? So this is...

this is Jeremy Pithbottom the Eiffel Thylant who is a young oily boy he's quite slight he's not particularly well built in any particular direction he's about 12-13 years old he's sitting in what looks to be nice clothes now turned into rags his feet are very dirty he hasn't got any shoes on and he is currently smashing the crap out of one wooden toy to another going I'm the strongest and smashing like this

And then puts it down and just sort of stops and just sits there and looks at these two toys. He's got a lot of pimples in places that you'd be quite surprised to find pimples. Everybody stand back. This boy is doing art therapy. I know what happened, but just because he said he's the strongest doesn't mean he's the strongest. He's like four years older than me. He's like six feet taller than I am. I'm going to match up to that. I put my arm out for like a punch. Give me a punch.

Yeah. I wasn't going to say yeah when I punched them. All right. Peyton, I'm significantly older than you, and you never get distressed by how cool and powerful I am.

Okay. So you guys going to deal with this kid? Excuse me, creative youth. Yeah, young boy. Fun, creative youth. Is it? Hello. Four travelers be we with our young ward here. And we were wondering if we could enter the magic circle of your art therapy and speak with you for a minute. So the young boy turns, stands up, looks very shocked to see basically four adults and a small child approaching him out of fucking nowhere and just immediately starts screaming.

- I just start throwing the toys at you and I run to the corner. - Oh my goodness. - Well, this was a quick adventure, let's go. - It's my time to shine. - I understand this part. - Do you have parents? What's your name? - Everybody has parents. - I don't know, I'm alive, excuse me, young boy, what's your name? - Ron takes a piece of the paper that he's been writing on and tries to read it. - Go ahead and roll perception or investigation.

20. Professional Dungeons and Dragons podcaster Beth May. We'll have phones. I got an 11. Okay, with an 11, you can see that you were reading what appears to be a fictional story seemingly written by this child. You can't quite make out the particular characters that it's referencing, but you can tell a short story when you see one. This fiction is opaque and unreadable.

Let's take a beat. Let's take a beat here. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's just think about what we just did. I took a couple classes and I... That's fine. But we just walked into this kid's house. I tried talking to him and you read his stuff. Maybe we should take turns talking on him. You're right, Daryl. Henry turns into a cute therapy dog.

And then walks up to Jeremy. Jeremy's continued his dream as he sees you turn into a dog. Henry looks at you as a dog and speaks in a human voice and says, it's all right, young boy. I'm a therapy dog now. We can help you. He goes, okay.

He just sort of sits down. After a moment of looking around, he just does this to your snout and just puts his hand out a little bit. Henry sniffs the young boy's snout. He just sort of pats your hand. Sniff his snout? You get right in his face and you sniff his snout? He sniffs your snout, Will. So the small dog encroaches on this child, sticks his face in his face, and takes a big whiff. What do you smell, Will? What do I smell, Anthony? Tears. Young...

Boy, you don't have to tell us your name. That's fine. We can leave. Or if you need help, we would love to help. I mean, we. It's kind of what we do. It's what we do. I know we're four adults, but we got a kid with us and he seems safe with us. So like. Yeah, I'm totally safe. I promise you. He says, sharpening his knife. Whatever you need, we'll help. But if you want to be left alone, we'll leave you alone. So Jeremy like stops, looks at you, looks at the knife, looks back to you. Oh, he's fine. I've locked the knife with my body.

Just the line of sight. Jeremy relaxes at that sign. He just sort of looks at you and goes, doesn't have object permanence. And he just looks at you and goes, well, I'd like to play. Oh, you like football?

No. Oh, okay. But I like to play the thing. And he just points at the little cartoon thing that he's been making, a little comic book. He goes, I like to play the game. Oh, the game. I lean over to Ron, like, I really don't think we should be here. LAUGHTER

I think we're like one person showing up away from going to prison. Ron leans over to Daryl and is like, hey, I just lost the game. What? You hear a rumbling. We just got here by accident. You hear a rumbling and say, don't worry, friends, you're not going to prison. This is a little...

Family mission and you see your old friend scam likely I'm sorry He appears out of the ground and he says you may or may not notice that this child has no parents currently We did notice we saw that scam. So what are you gonna do about that? That is not a problem Wait, scam. Play if fucking nerds don't have parents, scam. Hey, where are you looking from?

Yeah, give us a clue. I'm just saying, I thought maybe you'd see it and your heart would go out to him, but apparently you're only thinking about going to jail. We just don't know the situation. So the situation is, Jeremy, do you want to tell him? I can tell him. Yeah, Jeremy can tell us. Wait, Jeremy, do you know Scam? I thought he was a figment of my imagination. He's real.

That's a good point. I don't know. What if I am not real? That'd be fucked up. Well, Scam and I play games sometimes. Not weird ones. Not weird ones. Not anything that you could possibly be thrown in jail for. Okay. But we do play games. Okay. And he's got a really fun game that I like to play quite a lot. Okay. Would you like to play with us? Okay, sure. I would love to hear the rules. Yeah.

I do love games. Firstly, it should be pointed out, my parents have been absent for some time. Oh, I'm sorry, bud. That's okay. You get used to it in isolation and solitude. But this is a really fun game you get to play with. And he sort of hesitates and looks all of you like one by one into the eyes.

Oh, yeah. The four of us are friends with each other. Yeah, we're all friends. Yeah, we're friends. And playing games is one of the best ways to make friends. Well, yeah. Or like if you're alone a lot, you can play games with yourself. So it sounds like that's what, what's your name?

Jeremy. Jeremy. I'm Daryl. He's been doing, I almost lied about my name, but I'm not going to do that. I wouldn't even know what to say anyway. My name is actually Ron. That's not a lie. It's Ron. Yeah. And I, Jeremy, am not a talking dog, but a man. And I turned back into Henry. And my name is Henry Oak. And I'm Glenn Close, leader of this group. You're cool. Everyone's quiet on that one.

Nobody said nobody had any comments on that. Okay. I'm bored now. So the thing is, Jeremy loves to write fan fiction. You may have seen a lot of these little stories around. Jeremy inserts himself into fun little tales of other franchises and stories. Yes. Self inserts. Also my nickname. Uh,

The thing about Jeremy is that he likes to escape into these stories and I thought, what a wonderful thing to do with you all. What if you all escaped into a story? What if you all escaped into this story? Right?

and Scam snaps his fingers and the pages on the ground begin to float and then whirl around you like a tornado. Like the page mask. No, don't run. It'll make it worse. Just stay where you are. Is there a little theme song that plays? Yeah. And a one and a two and a three. Why would you point at me? Why would you do that? Ah!

Your vision blurs as the pages completely obscure your eyes. When the screaming winds die down, the pages flutter to the ground. It really does feel like there should have been a theme song sung by Beth. I do really feel like that would go great there. So you're writing a story that's really cool. It's a fanfic. What?

way you're writing in school and you're going home now you don't have to go to school anymore because um you're an orphan and your parents are poor um but you're writing all day and you're writing all night and you get the feeling things might be all right hey that's pretty good yeah yeah very good an orphan can't have poor parents

Oh, damn. Anyway, the papers drop down and you find yourself in what looks to be a coffee shop. A quasi-modern Starbucks-esque coffee shop. I'm going to take it. You guys want anything? As you look down, you see you are all in aprons and you are behind the counter. I'm going to make something for myself. Is Jeremy here? Jeremy is here and Jeremy is also in an apron and his apron says manager. Manager. Manager.

Jeremy. If we look at ourselves, are we covered in like really cool tattoos? And do we have glasses? And are we cute? Yes. So we all look different? No, you're still yourselves, just like Portlandified. I have a ponytail now. Wait, Jeremy, have you done this before? Have you transported like this? Is this normal? Yeah, many times. This is how I actually get by in the day of horrible isolation and loneliness. Well, Jeremy, golly gee whiz, like why are you in this horrible situation? Like why don't you know you could break out? Hey, hey, do it.

like you choose for. I'm not saying I just I'm just expressing concern that there's a boy, a sad boy in the woods transporting to worlds of whimsy. And of all the worlds that he could choose, he's picking Starbucks. So and I am I am worried about his corporate coffee taste, frankly, but we'll put that aside for a second. And I just want to like there's got to be some way we can help you out. Like, do you want to be here? Yeah, you play the game. That's how you help out. He's pretty cool with what he's doing.

I've got to say, we just play the game, and then if you really sniff out something wrong, let's get into it. And then this kid just wants to play with us. The phone rings on the counter. Henry picks it up.

Okay, so the way that this works is... Yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah? The way that this is going to work is Jeremy loves to spend time in these little fantasy worlds, but I think it's happening to the detriment of his actual, like, real life. Oh, my God, that's exactly what I've been saying, Scam. Yeah, so I was hoping that you could, like, help him through some of his fan fictions, and then maybe at the end of it he wouldn't want to stay in them so much anymore. Scam.

I just want to say, you and I don't always see eye to eye, but I just think this is great, what you're doing for this young lad. Well, no, I don't want to do it. Hey, Scam? Scam? Hey, it's Ron. So does that mean we have to- Hold on, Scam. I'm going to put Ron on. He wants the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's- Hi. One, do you want anything? We're working at Starbucks right now. No, I'm good. Does that mean that we have to make the fan fictions worse? Uh, no. I think it means you have to, like- Well, actually-

Yes. Now that I think about it, yes.

Yes. But the way I was planning to do it was that there's like a special totem in each of these fan fictions that once you get it, you get to move on to the next fan fiction. And once you get to the end of the last one, you exit for good and come back to the real world. Okay, that sounds great. Yeah, let's do that. It's about fucking it up, maybe. Oh, man. Scam, I think we'll fuck it up plenty on our own. Don't you worry about that, Scam. Hey, want to ask a Scam question? Yeah. Hey, Scam, I'm going to put Daryl on the line. You could just put me on speaker. It's a wall phone. There's no speaker option. It's a really long cord, though. Hold on. Yeah.

Hey, Scam, it's Daryl. Hi. I just want to know, what's the best case Jeremy gets out of this? Like, best case scenario, like, where does he go? If he leaves, like, where does he go? Like, if he's done with this, where does he go? Like, are there parents? Like, where does Jeremy go? As established, Scam, we know that Jeremy has no parents and is living alone in a shack. So the best case scenario, he's still alone.

And I trust that I already care about Jeremy. He seems like a sweet kid. I just don't trust you. So I want to know when I'm done playing this game, which is Jeremy's game, but it feels a little bit like your game. Where does Jeremy go afterwards? I was trying to get Jeremy to go to the orphanage in the nearby town. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Scam. What? Tell me a little bit more about this orphanage. He's in a good one. That's like...

A modicum of forced labor. Like a frisson of forced labor, but otherwise it's pretty chill. It's pretty good for this area, right? Daryl, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Yeah, what's up, Ron? Something you don't know yet, but you can have a pretty fucked up backstory and still end up a pretty cool guy.

Okay. All right. Well, yeah, that sounds good, Jeremy. That does seem like a good orphanage would be better than this weird crying cave he has. That's good. Yeah. Okay. I'm down. You guys down? Oh, hey, can I talk to Scam again real quick? Oh, yeah, of course. Of course, Henry. Bye, Scam. Hang up the phone. The phone rings again. Yeah. Hello?

So just so you know, there's a health inspector coming today. Oh. And you want to get an A ranking because that's the totem to get to the next area. And what fan, what? What is this fan fiction? Hold on. Should we ask Jeremy? Jeremy, Jeremy. Is this something we'll find out if we play along? I'll have Taddy explain coffee shop A used to you real quick. Taddy. Ah. Taddy, come here. Okay. I'm sorry, who is this? Taddy Roper, Scam Likely's running mate. Running mate. Oh, Taddy Roper. Raced to the White House.

I love that that episode's canon now. That's great. Welcome to hell. Also a 12-year-old boy that I'm very excited to do in front of Neil Mubarak. I don't judge if that helps. Pops up out of a potted plant in the corner. He, despite the modern setting, is still dressed as a Victorian urchin and says,

I have literally never seen Amanda embarrassed in my life. If it helps, I can always leave the room. No, you have to be here first. Speak up, we can't hear you. Speak up. Whoa, a second. Jesus!

I am. Wow, you're here too, okay. Yeah, apparently I am today. Just here helping out. Oh, wait. And he tweaks his page boy cap and turns into the modern Portland version of himself, which is exactly the fucking same. This here's a coffee shop, Bayou. Oh, explain. Bayou stands for odd.

alternate universe. Like Marvel. Okay. Is this a fan fiction thing? Yeah, it's like a fan fiction thing. So we're in a coffee shop AU. Yeah, you're the dad but instead of being on your normal adventure, here you are in this fine coffee shop. We're doing fan fiction of ourselves? Yeah, when you look at the cup you see that the name of the coffee place is Odyssey Beans.

and it's got a little picture of the van on the top. Wow. Guys, this is a universe where Honda doesn't own the trademark for Odyssey? My God. Guys, I think we're going to make this AU gold. Wait, in this AU, can Carol be happy? Anybody? Wait, I can't hear you over there.

the laughter. That's a good one. Thank you. I don't know who William is. That was Henry that said that. Henry said that really funny joke. Okay, so Jeremy, you're our manager. He's got two clipboards in his hands. Yes, I am. And quite frankly, we need to have a staff meeting, I feel. Well, you're in charge, so. By the way, I don't think I haven't noticed you on the phone. That's a lot of break time. I'm so sorry about that. I think if you read the rules, which are very clearly signposted over the cards, that you are only allowed five minutes of time. Wow, what a little Nazi.

Hey, Peyton. Peyton. Yeah, what's up? You could learn from this kid. Pay attention. This kid sounds like a fucking narc. Are you kidding me? No, this kid's going to go places. All right, yeah, Jeremy, whatever you need, we're here. He's going to go to the end of my fucking fist. Peyton. Peyton. What? It's his special day. We're here for Jeremy, all right? Are you talking about Jeremy or Neil? Right?

Okay, fine, whatever. I'll follow your lead. Oh, no, we follow his lead. Yes, I'll follow your lead and you're following his lead. Yep, yep. Guys, stop meeting. What are we doing? Stop meeting. Okay, all right. First thing is we have to devise all the jobs of the work. I'd like you to...

Treat this like a casual back and forth. Just tell me what it is you think you're good at and we'll find a job for you before the customers and we start opening the shop and getting into it. Oh, I consider myself something of a bean sommelier. I can feel that. I can feel that. You smell like one. You know, I think if this is an AU, like I think being like really into beans would go well with like my original thing of being like a vegan guy.

So like maybe like people can ask me about beans in the story. Maybe I name like the fun roasts of our coffee. Like a bean sommelier. Are we a roastery? And do you know what I mean? Like do we roast our own beans and then like we have zany bean names? Yo, these beans suck. Yeah, we're going to roast them like that.

That shit. Great. And you, the man with the very impressive sword. Ah, yes. Thank you. Thank you. I tend to be on the customer-facing side of things. I'm a real people person. I'm more than happy to take the drive-thru orders. I was thinking you could be like the fun guy in the coffee shop that plays the music like on open mic night.

Hey, I'm not your fucking monkey. I want to talk to the people. Get a sense of what kind of drinks they're ordering. I think I'd be pretty good at that. And pick in the playlist. Playlists are very important for coffee shop vibes. You guys know this. Yeah. Hi, I'm Ron. Let's see. My strengths. I think, you know, kind of a wild horse in that, you know, it's like,

He just hands you a mop. He doesn't know the rules. And last but by no means least. Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm Daryl. Just want to say I'm really happy to be here on the first day of work. I will do my best. Honestly, my worst attribute is I just want to please you. Just want to do a really good job today. My point of view is that it seems like it's really important that the health inspector is coming. So I'd love to just clean this place, make sure there's no violations. That's my job.

And I'll just help Ron clean, but whatever you want. Jeremy, manager. Jeremy sidles over to you a little bit, takes you for a minute and goes, you've got great potential. Oh, thanks. I think you've got management potential. Just keep working that attitude. This shocks.

Ron, you learn a little something from me. Ron, I mean, sorry, Henry leans over to Taddy Roper, the now Portland-ish Cockney street urchin and is like, hey, Taddy. Yeah. So you see, you know a lot about these AUs, right? Yeah. So what's like the deal with a coffee shop AU? Is there like sexy drama or do you like two people in the coffee shop like each other? Or is it just like a nine

Is it just literally, do people just do like a gritty workplace procedural where like the Sailor Moon girls all work at a coffee shop? Or like, what is it? Yeah, sort of all of the above, but mostly, yeah, you know, eventually someone's got to fuck.

Oh, what's the point of that? You hear a ding, ding, ding, ding as the bell rings as somebody enters and you see that it is David Boreanaz, the sheriff. Oh, what? Well, I'm the Odyssey's son, home of the... The crazy bean. Wow! Stupid, stupid! Oh, yeah, stupid! Home of the crazy bean of water. What do you want? David leans up against the counter and says, I want something that no one has ever drunk before. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Ron, it wasn't a question. I think I have the mop raising his hand. Because I got a bucket of mop water right here, man. Somebody's probably drunk that before. But not this mop water, my dude. Not with crazy beans. Not with crazy beans. Not what's infused with crazy beans. This mop water was infused with crazy beans and my own apathy. Okay. Why don't you roll persuasion? D.

20. That's me. Professional Dungeons and Dragons. 20. Roller dice. You don't have an app yet? Beth thought that the app was $2, and I was like, no thank you. I got a 12. Okay. So the trolley goes, yeah, I guess that'll do. But as you bring Mop over to squeeze it out into his glass, you make the- Would that be a large or a venti or a medium? Venti.

What the fuck is venti? It's 20 ounces. Yeah, venti's huge. As you bring the mop over, it sloshes disgusting brown liquid all over the counter, all over the floor. I clean it. I'm just sitting here with, like, paper towels ready to go. Like a fucking cat wearing a pounce. All right, so David Boreana's leaves.

Another satisfied customer. He takes a sip and he goes, I've definitely never had something like this before. He puts $1 in the tip jar and he walks out. I think he just tipped us. I don't think he paid us.

Who's on the counter? That was me. Oh, you're on the counter? I will be the first to say that I forgot to collect payment for the mop water. But look at it a different way. We got rid of some mop water for free. That's fair. From across the room, just hear this very loud. What?

As Jeremy starts writing something and scribbling on the clipboard in front of him and just shakes his head very slightly and moves off. But guys, I don't know. That might be a good thing. Yeah. Is this a power fantasy for Jeremy? I mean, Jeremy's a sad little youth in a shack. Like maybe his dream is to boss people around in a coffee shop, in which case we're doing a good job. Maybe he wished like he had a team that wasn't good.

and then his inspiration made them better. That would be my story I would tell. I mean, like a coach, you know? I talk to Daddy, and I think one of us has to have sex with someone. I think I will. I just am waiting for a cute regular to come in, and we can flirt gently. As you say that, the door opens again, and Aaron O'Neill, the local county health inspector, walks in. And under Aaron's arm is a clipboard,

and attached to the back of the clipboard is some sort of glowing piece of paper. Sorry, we're closed. We're closed. That's fine. It doesn't need to be open for me to inspect you. Yes, it does. Is anyone here open for inspection? And I kick Ron in the shin. Yeah. Does anybody here remember their wife? Ow. Oh, shit.

I mean, Aaron, it's never going to work. You got to stop coming in here. It's my job to come in. I agree. It's probably not going to work. I see that there's disgusting mop water all over the floor and all over the counter. You do come in here like it's your job. What can I do?

You can get me a tour of the facilities so I can give you a rating. I don't think you're going to be getting this, she says, pulling up a couple of pictures from her clipbook and revealing the glowing, magically infused A rating on the back of her sheet. Ron, if you play your cards right, she might come in here. If I play my cards right, you might come in here.

She's in here. I'm in here. And I can hear you. No, in the other sense of the term. As you clarify, wait, she revealed a page that had like the rating on it? Yeah, she has a bunch of pages, each with F, D, C, B, and A. And A is glowing...

I want to roll side of hand to take the A. All right, go ahead. Roll side of hand. Imagine if that's how it worked in real life, dog. I got 18. Okay, you take the fucking A. All right, immediately, the second your hand touches the A, the entire coffee AU begins to get sucked into the page. As I happen to hear it, great job, dog.

Darren, would you say that you were inspired by your manager to do well for the franchise? I mean, I think. I don't know. I'm just playing the game. They said get an A. I got the A. That was good, right? Yeah, and I didn't have to do anything against my marriage. Yeah, but you should remember the thoughts that you had.

Okay. Just hang in there, Ron. We haven't been gone that long. We'll get home. The coffee shop begins to dissolve around you and is replaced with a field of white. And that white resolves itself into ice beneath your feet. And around you, you see a bunch of small black dots that begin to resolve themselves into chairs. And you look up and you see a very large black cube with like flashing images on each side of it.

And as you look down, you see lines beginning to appear on the ice. Long sticks appear in your hands. You almost slip as iron blades come out of the bottom of your shoes. And you find yourself in a hockey AU.

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All right, let's do a power play. I think you just did. So you hear Greg Proops, the two-headed phantom menace. I don't think his name was Greg Proops. It is now. What was his name? I don't even know. It was Goof-O-Me-Boof, I believe. I don't know who Greg Proops is, but I like Greg Proops. You know who Greg is? Greg's the guy from Blue Zines. From Blue Zines, anyway.

Oh, that's right. He's also got two heads. Yeah. Welcome, welcome one and all to the final of the Super Loo Hockey Tournament. Super Loo Hockey!

The winner will take on this beautiful cup. And you see a glowing, magical cup appear on the screen above you. But first, they're going to have to win this game on the left side of the ice. That's how they say it, right? From my perspective, the team on the left is... First, they have to win this game. My left, your right, half of your right. Welcome to soccer. This team has to win the game. Yeah.

Imagine soccer with more stuff. And fighting. Less players, but more fighting. On my left...

some of your rights. We see the daddies! And you look down and you're wearing like Mighty Ducks jerseys, but they've got like, I don't know, a picture of Peyton's head or something. Or do the Pep Boys thing. You're wearing like Pep Boys sponsored jerseys. We got sponsored by the Pep Boys? That's delightful. It's like the ones you get in the episode. Although, chronically, that's later. Who cares? Um,

And on the other team, we have the undefeated, the reigning and defending champions, the Super Hulockers. We also named the tournament after them. And as you look over, you see a bunch of all men, almost all white men, I think. Yeah, they're all white men in hockey gear.

you see what appears to be two brothers who have weirdly sexual tension with each other. Yes! You see... I just recognize them. Okay. It's not that I want that. I'm not into Winsest. That is the first term. That's what it's called? Winsest? Yeah.

You see two detectives who also weirdly kind of have sexual tension with each other. Okay, is this from Elementary? No, it is from... This is Sherlock. This is Sherlock. But Elementary is a version of Sherlock. Yes. Because they made Watson a woman? Yeah. Oh.

And you also see what appears to be a time traveling twink with a long brown coat. But is it like David Tennant? You see David Tennant, the brothers from Supernatural and Sherlock and Watson because Super Hulock is an AU thing. Well, that's not it. It's a fandom that is probably the strongest and worst fandom since Homestuck.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, God. Hey, Jeremy. Jeremy. Where's Jeremy? Where's Jeremy? Where's Jeremy? Jeremy is in the middle. He's got a referee's outfit on. Oh, wow. And he's sort of taking his helmet off and he's just like spitting, looking around. He just spits, but he can't spit in the air. So he's like. And he just sort of wipes his mouth. All right, then. Let's have it.

Captains to the center, please. Oh. Who wants to be captain? Glenn. I will be captain. I will be the captain. Oh, shit. Captain. Damn, dude. Glenn, you just let him walk over here. Listen, he came up with crazy beans, all right? Who knows what he's got in front of him?

AU Hockey Henry has a huge beard, of course. Nice. And he's missing like six teeth. Got that playoff skin. And he's got like a cool, he's already bruised. And he's like, hey, it's me, Crazy Bean. That's what we call him. And he stares down. Crazy Bean. Sherlock Holmes skates out to the middle of the rink and in a perfect Benedict Cumberbatch voice says the following. God damn it.

Crazy, is it? Well, looking you over quickly, I can deduce the following things. One, you've never played this game before. You're not very good on ice skates. That beard has been recently but fully grown somehow, implying some sort of magic at work. And you seem to be, under your fierce stare and grimace, terrified. Which you should be. Ron looks to the crowd. They're never going to get together. I'm just kidding.

In the background, Watson's like, They're not gonna make you happy! The kiss cam at this hockey game is just like, Where? What the fuck? Crazy Bean has just been slowly skating closer and closer to Benedict Cumberbatch's moist lips. Yeah.

This entire time is like, well, let me tell you something, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock Holmes. You think that we're enemies, but we'll be something different by the time this AU is over, my friend. And I can deduce that you're secretly in love with me by the way that you skated over here. And that's fine by me because I respect myself, but I don't respect you yet. Roll intimidation with disadvantage. Oh, well, that's a two, so that didn't go very well.

Benedict is not intimidated by your attempt at reverse reading him. He sniffs. Hey, ref, is it five for fighting or five for fucking? He looks at you like very perplexed, a little kind of weirded out and freaked out. He goes, no, I forgot you were a kid.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I want to call a timeout real quick. Can we do a huddle? Can we do a huddle before the game starts? We haven't stopped in the game. Just a real quick huddle. Fine, timeout. Guys, I'm worried about Jeremy. Like, this is too tight. Are you? You were just trying to... Well, I'm just trying to get the people what they want, Daryl.

But like, my point is like, Daddy Roper, like normally, like when someone writes one of these AUs, right? Like they make themselves like the cool character at the center of the action. But like both times now, it's been like, Jeremy's been on the sidelines. Daddy Roper is like, I've got to say, I actually agree with you. I'm a little bit concerned. Not only that he's not making himself a main character in his own story, but that he's fucking writing fan fiction about you lot. I think we need to find a way to make the referee the main character of this AU. I think so.

And I think by doing that, we're going to turn this AU into gold. Are you going to do it once every round? You're going to find a way to. It's a rule of twos, apparently. I just feel like fan fiction is so often a sexual outlet for marginalized communities. And it's kind of hard to like extrapolate the kind of sexiness from it. So,

So it's like, it's hard to deal with. I just thought maybe the kid would want to be a part of like communities having sexual feelings or anti, I can't follow you. No, I'm just saying that it's a challenge that we're dealing, it's a challenge that we're trying to make a 13 year old the main character of a fan patient. This hockey AU is on thin ice. I want a roll insight to see if I can tell. You get inspiration for that.

If Jeremy wants to play in the game. Go ahead. Roll insight. While this is happening, Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock keeps making eye contact with Henry and fondling the end of his scarf. I believe I'm minus one insight, so 17. While he's doing that, Henry looks at Benedict Cumberbatch and fondles the end of his beard. Oh.

Jeremy, do you secretly want to be playing in this? What is it that Daryl sees when he looks into your soul? You absolutely see the fact that not only does he want to play, he also wants to play in one of the striking positions. But he also, you can tell, there's like a sense of awe around him that he knows because his dad keeps telling him that before his dad fucked off, that he's just not strong enough to do it. He's just not good enough to do it. He desperately wants to play, but he thinks, well, at least referee, I get to be a part of the game. Ah.

So Daryl looks at Henry and like weeks and he goes, all right, Henry, I guess I'll take striker position. And then he leaps in the air and then lands to break his own leg. Like to fake break it or to really break it? No, he's trying to break it. He's like, well, this is fake. This is a fake now, right? It's probably still going to hurt.

No, y'all, we're still real. I already left in midair. I can't change my mind. Okay, roll a dexterity with disadvantage because you're trying to hurt yourself. Or acrobatics, I guess. A nine and a 16. Okay, a nine. Yeah, it's definitely going to do it. You land. Your ankle rolls. There's a loud snap as some fucking bone in your foot fucks up. Oh, God.

I'm so sorry. You're going to need this tracker because I have abnormally small feet for my size. It'll have to be a smaller person. I'm sorry, Daryl. I thought this was hockey. I thought man. I'm sorry. I can't. The only thing I feel capable of doing right now in this wish page is being a ref. I'm sorry to ruin the game. We're going to find a striker.

I was just calamities going on. Jeremy sort of like skates up and goes, and like stops right after you spraying you with a bit of ice. He goes, what's the problem? Why aren't you playing? I broke my leg and this team doesn't have a striker. And the only thing I can do is be a ref. But that can't work out because you're a ref and you're not a striker. And I guess this game's just ruined because I'm so clumsy. You see Jeremy looking down at your anger. But the game has to play. Somebody has to play. That's going to be.

You can't just not play. Oops, my skates fell off and blew another pair of shoes. Another pair of feet could go in these shoes. Henry's flipping through the rules of the hockey game and says, according to the book, there's no rule that says a ref can't join one of the teams and be the striker as long as they're a boy pure of heart and brave of spirit.

And I look at Neil. I think we should get the golden retriever. There's a dog waiting in the penalty box. With Christopher Eccleston. Oh, Jeremy, I don't want, oh, you probably love ruffing. I'm sorry, I wouldn't want to force you to do that, but oh, if somebody could be, if you could be the striker, I guess then my friends could still play hockey. Jeremy sort of looks around at all of you, looks at your eyes and looks at Ron. Yeah, we live for hockey. He goes, all right, Ron, I'll do it for you. Oh,

Oh, thanks, Daryl. For him? He just gently pats you and goes, shh, it's okay. And then just takes off your boot. Oh, you're right. Pull the skates off of Daryl's broken foot.

And then puts it on and then just goes, okay, you're going to be the referee. So you have to like, here is the whistle. Oh, great. Guys, you're going to win. Henry turns back to Benedict Cumberbatch and says, so what do you say, Sherlock? Are you? And then he flips the puck in the air down to puck.

Oh, God. I blew it. I'm sorry. I take away that inspiration I gave you earlier. Two minute penalty. Come on, Bryce. That's bullshit. Looks like the striker's going to have to start the play. Looks like we're on a power play. I toss the puck to Jeremy. I go, I don't know how to play hockey. You start.

Yeah, I guess you're the captain now, man. Ron skates up to, who's the actor that plays Watson? Martin Freeman. Oh, yeah. And Ron's like, you're the hot one. Like, everybody knows that you're the actually hot one. I don't know why people thought that Sherlock was the hot one. Offside. All right, we're on power play. That's offside. All right, go. Your team is now two players down.

God damn it. I'm going to break up this penalty box. So Jeremy's getting something and goes, okay, timeout, ref, timeout. Yeah, we got it. Okay. You're as ready as you want. When is the game going to start? What the fuck is this? So who's actually left on the team? It's Henry and Ron, right? Glenn. Glenn. And Peyton. That's it? And Peyton and Taddy Roper. Taddy Roper.

Oh, fuck it. Yeah, there's three left to stand. So he calls in, guys, guys, come over. Listen, we've got to get our shit together. What's going on? What are you doing? Listen, let's go for a power move. Glenn, you're going to take the puck up. Tati, you're going to go wide. I'm going to distract the ref with my, no, you know what? Fuck that. You distract the ref. I'm going to go for a path. Tati, go wide. Pass it to me and let's just win this game. All right. Very easy. Very easy. I got it. What the fuck do I do? Payton, here's how we're going to distract the ref. Take out

You start driving the Zamboni immediately. Just roll it on. By the time you say that, he's already gone. He's disappeared into the, wherever the Zamboni lives, I guess. The rest of the team is just sort of watching this happen, like, all right. This is great. They're all warmed up, and now they're all cooled down, and we'll be able to beat them. Let's go. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack.

Quack. So we create the flying V formation. With three guys? Do you want to talk tactics? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good idea. Now that we actually do have a timeout. Let's have a timeout and let's actually do it for real. Oh, yeah, go ahead. I should be out of the penalty box right now. Oh, no. Here's what we do. Roll stealth and then it'll be like Ron's out of the penalty box. Yeah. Okay. But it would happen while Anthony didn't notice and then he'd be out of the penalty box.

But you'd have to roll better. Oh, you rolled a 20. Crazy. Wow. Crazy. Okay. D20. I rolled a 12. And I'm the ref. You got to beat a 12. What did you get? Four. Run. Run. Run. It's only like 10 seconds left in the penalty. Oh, sorry. I should have rolled with advantage. Feed the man his pizza. Oh, okay. You're right. You can roll with advantage. Oh.

What? There's only like five seconds left. You're fine. Ron, just wait. Just wait. What's going on? We waited out the penalty, dude. Yeah. So you were a lowercase v. Yes. Oh, by the way, Henry's not there. Henry's disappeared. You don't know where Henry is. Huh? Without you, it's a line. Ha!

Lowercase L, dude. It's a backslash. Jerry's like, let's get formation. And he's like, they don't need me. No, I'm out of the penalty box. It's two kids. I'm out of the penalty box. Yeah, Ron left the penalty box. Yeah, Ron, while you're gone, that was the two minutes of Ron in the penalty box and Ron's out of the penalty box. In that time, the other team scored four goals. I don't care.

I don't think that happened. Payton, you got to be the goalkeeper. You got to stop the puck from going in. I'm so small. The puck goes everywhere except for my body. He's driving the Zamboni, remember? Oh, that's why there's no one in goal. Oh, yeah, put the Zamboni in front of the goal. They'll never see it. That's allowed. Okay, we hard cut you 45 minutes later, and you're winning by 30 points because the Zamboni is blocking your goal. That's not dramatic. It's got to be like we're down by one, and there's three seconds left. Can you make that happen, ref?

Sure. Yeah. Quidditch rules. Yeah, it's Quidditch rules. The golden puck falls down on and it's like, oh, whoever wins is worth a thousand points. Daryl crawls out to the center and he holds up a golden puck and he looks at the whole team. He's like, now I know the good team is up by how many points? 50. 50 points. And you, the team that everybody wants to have sex with, is down by 50 points. But this puck here is...

Is worth 51 points. So you do the math. I put the puck down in the center and I crawl back. Play ball. Okay. The Zamboni's out of the way. Everybody's back on the ice. This is a proper final round of hockey. What do you do? I'm going to do the hidden. I'm going to do the hidden. Right. I'm going to pretend like I have it.

But I'm actually going to give it to Jeremy. Okay, so you're going to pass it. No, I'm going to do the hip-hug trick where I'm doing all these like, I'm like. Okay, roll deception. Can I assist? Can I roll stealth? Yes, you can roll stealth. So Jeremy's just sort of going to go parallel on the other side. Let's do these fucked up rolls. And just skate with you, like giving you winking and nodding. Me the first time I was at a vegan bakery. Okay.

I got an eight. That was funny. But I have like plus 11 or something like that. You do. You have a very big plus, so that's fine. So you managed to discreetly pass the puck to Jeremy. Sure.

Jeremy, what are you going to do with it? You're just going to power straight forward. Jeremy doesn't have it. I have it. The doctor is standing in front of you. A beautiful twink blocks your passage. What do you do? I'm going to check Doctor Who into the fucking boards. Okay, roll. Send him to another time. Yeah, you hit him so hard he regenerates. That's it. You hit him so hard he hits the wall and when he lands he's Matt Smith. What?

Okay, so you're pretty much open, Jeremy. What would you like to do? I want to charge straight for the goal. Who's in front of me from the other team? Who's still left? Sherlock Watson and Dean and Sam Winchester. I think both Dean and Sam Winchester are making out curiously in the water. Yeah, they're wincesting right in front of the goal. And they're both hurt. And they're both trying to patch each other up. And it's like, why is it sexy?

sexy I don't know they start like as you get closer you can see that they're not actually making out but they both have tears in their eyes and Dean is like we just gotta block this one goal Sammy we just gotta block this one goal and Sam's like Dean I don't know man I'll find mom's demon I have a question about Wincest okay is it okay no this is not this is not really a question this is very this is a very naive question and I'm sorry

But I've always wondered this, and I've never done my own research. Really? Do the Wincest stories, like, all start with them finding out they're adopted? Do you know what I mean? I don't know. I feel like that would defeat the purpose of Wincest. I can weigh in on this. Okay. No. Okay, then. That would just be two normal people having sex. Yeah, that's the gap. What the hell, Will?

Do you watch porn and you're like, I don't think this girl's really his stepmother. But no, but here, man, the stepbrother thing is like they're not related. Do you know what I mean? That's why it's not Winsest. Winsest is such a powerful

force in the fandom that there is fully one third of two seasons of Supernatural dedicated to dealing with it. I'm not kidding. It is a subplot on the show that they know it exists and they hate it. So, wow. I regret that I know this. Welcome to hell. How are you going to deal with the homoerotic brothers in front of you? So I was thinking tactically, so I might just pull out a gun.

There you go. He's beginning to believe. It's your fantasy. It's your fiction, yeah. But it's not a gun that kills him. It just sort of like... It makes them adopt it. It makes them adopt it. They don't want to think about it anymore. He sort of pulls the gun at one of them and goes...

read this and he pulls it and it fires and it's a deed and it shows up very clearly that their lines that's sort of where their parents are from where their hometown was that they're clearly it's okay if they want to fuck it's just you know it's like the inverse of that Icelandic app that they all have to use yeah okay so roll uh

What's that roll, Anthony? Roll in. Persuasion. Persuasion. Persuasion. That's not going to go well. That is a 16, actually. Okay. That's cool. They look at the deed and then they slowly look up to each other and then they embrace their hands and they just skate off the ice together. And as they do that, I'm going to line up a power shot and just fucking smash it. Wait, right before he does that, in the stands, you see...

Henry has dressed up like Jeremy's father. Oh, my God. I don't know what he looks like. I asked Scam Likely what his dad looks like. Like this. Okay, so then I dressed up like that. And Henry's there like, you're not strong enough, Jeremy. Huge, huge fucking gamble, Will. But this is going to be the one that puts it over, right? Do you know what I mean? Roll intimidation, which you want to fail. I got a seven. You did.

You did fail. Your words have a lot of spite behind them, but they do not actually affect Jeremy. Jeremy finds a bravery within himself as he shoots the puck. Go ahead and give me a ranged attack roll, please, Jeremy. Oh, God. That is not good. That's not good at all. Ron wants to inspire Jeremy. Okay. Yeah. How? By dressing up as his mom and skating off to the side and being like, Jeremy, we're so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you. I got a four initially, but if I get inspiration, I'm willing to roll it again. Yeah, go ahead. Thank you very much.

13. Oh, wait, wait, it's okay, because in hockey, if you miss, it'll just come back around to you. That's kind of the problem with hockey. You ever realize that? It works because in hockey, you miss 99% of the... You miss 100%. You miss... You miss... You miss...

The golden puck hits the back of the net. And the good team wins by 101 points. Incredibly close match. A golden trophy descends from the sky, seemingly just hovering like the fucking trophy cups from Mario Kart 64. And it lands in the center of the ice. This belongs to Stanley. Where is he? This is stupid.

This is Stanley Cup, man. In the stands, you see Henry as Jeremy's father going, no, I bet all my money against my son. Darren goes, I haven't felt this good since I went to an orphanage. And I was like, Jeremy. Darren, I thought you haven't felt this good since before you broke your leg.

Ref, it's time to name the MVP of the match. Yeah, it's like Overwatch. Just like in Overwatch. We show the play of the game. The MVP of the match is only one person who with a single goal made 51 points, which is more than double the entire points of the match. And that goes to...

Jeremy! So you can see Jeremy looking around and sort of raises up his little stick and goes up to Ron and hugs Ron. Oh, we should run! We should put him on our shoulders! And just stands there. You see right in the corner of his eye, he looks so happy. But he also sort of like is looking around in the stands for somebody who's no longer there. And he looks a little confused and looks around and...

Then he sees, are you still his dad? Yeah, he sees his father being hauled away by two loan sharks. But you see him sort of like dismiss that and he's still looking around for somebody that's just not there. And then his sort of like stick comes down and he just holds the trophy up and goes, oh no, we did it. So as you touch the trophy, the ice dissolves underneath you and you find yourself falling, falling, falling.

Just to be clear, Daryl's leg is still for sure broken. You feel yourself falling and then you feel yourself land on hard ground. Daryl, you did this, man. You said it was fake. You said you didn't have a wife anymore. Yeah, I don't. What's happening? Okay, my legs are broken.

Okay. Okay, so as you land... You ate both of them? Yeah, I did have... I landed on one leg. You guys had two legs to land on. I had one. One leg to double. You broke the other leg. It's fine. I'll make it through. It's not real like you said. You have two legs. Yeah. So both of your legs are broken. Yeah. Over the sound of your own screams, you hear music being played on mandolins and other stringed instruments, drums. Oh, no, it's the Arcade Fireworks.

We're going to be outnumbered by like 16 to 5.

All around you, you see a booth set up. You see long strings with like ribbons on them, decorations. And more than that, you see actually something that's pretty familiar to you. You see humans and elves, orcs and tieflings and tieflings. And you feel like to some extent you're back in the Forgotten Realms. No. Henry literally just by like touching the ground and tasting is like we're in a Ren Faire AU. That's it, right? No. No!

No! That would have been cool. I don't think so, Henry. No, I know. We're in a Ren Faire AU. Okay, guys. Polyamory is the name of the game. We're all here. We're all groovy. We're here to eat turkey legs and just have a good time. You're going to find the guy who does the weird glass blowing. That's your in.

As all of you are getting to your feet, you see a pair of well-manicured... Too soon. Too soon, bro. You see an extremely well-dressed pair of legs approach you. We're still at work!

You're looking up. I'm doing like a fucking, the legs go all the way up. I wish I had those. Oh, it's a Muppet Babies AU. This is the mom for Muppet Babies. You see a very attractive man walking toward you with very pale skin and bright white hair. And Amanda, what does he say or do? Oh, no. I, uh, I, uh. Oh, he's so shy. Oh my God, he's so shy. He doesn't want to smell me. Even though.

We're in chemistry class together. He looks like he wants to eat you. He sort of glances you all over, more or less dismissively, and lingers over Daryl. Hi. And goes, darling, are you going to use all that blood? What? Oh, God. That's so much. Well, this just took an interesting turn. Oh, my God.

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Are you a vampire? What? Why would you ask me? Because you asked me about my blood. You didn't say, like, are you okay? Are your legs broken? You just went straight for the blood? Well, I can see you're not okay. Both of your legs are broken. I mean, yeah, I would love to use this blood, but it's pretty bad once it leaves the body, so you can have it.

It's all right, Daryl. This is one of the guys at the Ren Fair. Why are you confused? I'm answering the question you asked me. Hi there. Which way to the turkey legs? The what? Do they take Apple Pay at this fair? You're deranged. I like that.

So you hear carnival barkers all around you. You can tell that you are in the city of Baldur's Gate during a festival. Are you in a circus? Literally kill me. Yeah, we're in a circus. We're in a circus. With lots of other people around as well. A ton of other people. All of them will be voiced by you. If we're in Baldur's Gate, where's Balto?

And you see a stage where a couple of minstrels are playing songs and then they come off and an NPC who's like pretty well designed considering how many of them there are in the game, but like not so designed. You feel like he's got a quest associated with him. Walks up onto the stage. Very, very thin needle to thread.

Walks up onto the stage and says, so everybody knows the Baldur's Gate talent show, the third annual one, is happening right now. And if you can come up and if you're the most entertaining people in the city, in the fair, in the circus, we will give you this. That got very granular. Yeah. We will make a statue out of you. And he gestures at a big...

hunk of rock with a guy with a chisel next to it, like waiting, like feral, waiting to carve into it with his hammer and chisel. Jeremy, do you want that statue? Yes. Very much. That's good. That makes sense. Just so I understand, guys, is this like an AU where we're all in something that's much better and more successful than the thing that we are into? Oh, Henry, you could turn into a bear. And then... And then... And then what, Ron? Oh, man.

Jimmy, you were going to say something about the statue that you wanted. Yeah, the thing is about the statue is that you have to be really good at the talent show, which means you have to be in front of people to do a thing. And...

I've never been able to do it because you have three people watching you. Oh, and by the way, the judge for the talent show is our friend Asterion the vampire, and he gestures at the white man. I want to hear more from this vampire. I bet he wants to talk a lot right now. I'd like to hear more from this vampire. Asterion! Hi, I have a lot of questions about the talent show. This is my hell.

We don't know the rules. Yeah, could you explain the rules? Could you say it in that funny and very specific way that you say it? Actually, but don't tell us we're the adults. Jeremy, hear this kid. He wants to hear the rules from you. If you could just make eye contact with him while you're saying it, that'd be great. Will it help if I hold your hand, Lethi? Yeah, these are all wonderful suggestions, and I'm so happy that we're doing them.

Asterion says, oh good, idiots and children, my favorite. Come here, little boy, child. They're holding hands. He's too young to hold hands, right? I'm barely holding a finger. Oh,

Why is it sticky? It looks like you're holding space for the lyrics of Defying Gravity. I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy now. You're happy. We're in queer media, so... Go up on the stage. Do something fabulous.

Don't let me get bored. So Jeremy takes his hand, like looks at the hand and sort of looks at all of you and just sort of goes up there and stands there and goes, here's my act. And he sort of looks around. He's got these like different balls suddenly appear out of nowhere. And they're different colors. And he sort of like puts the balls in one hand and he takes like a handkerchief and

And then he sort of does this. It's an audio medium, my friend. Oh, that's right. No, the thing is I got too comfortable. That's what happened. I was like, this is great. This is fantastic. I just show them four little balls that appear. He puts them in his hand, takes like a red handkerchief, drapes it across his hand and just poof, and they just disappear from his hand.

And Glenn's in the crowd. Whoa! Dude, juice the crap. Holy fucking shit! What the fuck? Bitch, you're both in there, man! Witchcraft! Burn him!

Okay, roll performance. He's sweating quite a lot, which is sort of art imitating what I've done. I thought you were going to press him because he's nervous. Yeah, I thought he was going to jump. That is a six. Hold on, hold on. Andy, I have a question. I have a question. Can I lend Bardic inspiration in the sense that I was shouting, holy fucking shit, what the fuck just happened? That sounds like Bardic inspiration to me, yeah. All right.

Do you want me to roll again? I mean, that's not how bargains work. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Anthony, this is what I got. Anthony, this is what I got, though. Anthony. You're not supposed to roll. Whatever. He rolled a party of inspiration. He got 20. Isn't that a D6 plus or something like that? Yeah, it's a D6 plus. So you got a natural 20, Freddy? Cool. It doesn't mean anything. You weren't supposed to roll anything. Yeah.

Can you save that one for later? I want the baguette. I'd like the baguette. Put that one in your pocket like the fucking villager from Animal Crossing and Smash. Can you put that roll in the fridge? So you rolled what, Jeremy? Initially a six with plus three, I guess. Frey, do you have a math suggestion? Oh, here's what I do. You know that firework spell that I have behind him?

Right? In the front of the stage. But then behind him, a sick fireworks show goes off. Okay. Silently. Okay. So in this world where everyone has magic, they saw a guy make a couple of balls disappear and then behind him, a silent parade of fireworks behind him. That's what you think impressed them. But the fireworks are like those Chinese drone shows you have time about. Yes. It's very slow moving, but it's like a guy...

You know what I'm saying? Have you seen these stories? Yes, I have. But like all the people around you, I assume are being like, yeah, it's a canter. Yeah, and they're barely impressive now and we don't have magic. How does Asterion react to seeing this? It could not look more bored and slightly creeped out. And also sort of like, obviously, attention is being drawn away and still sort of just like eyeing Daryl where he has been left by his friends to bleed out helplessly on the ground, which is like much more appealing than whatever the fuck else is happening. Daryl, you're winning them over. Hey.

I was asking questions. Bribe him, Daryl. Bribe him with your blood, Daryl. Oh. Whoever wins. Hey. Hey, you. Asterion? Yeah, look at me, Asterion. Don't look at him. Look at you. Look at me. I don't really know how these things work, but like, if there's anything I can do to sweeten the pot. I got it like glassed right in my blood. I'm like. As you say, that look is like a squirt from your from all the heartache. It's like.

Look, I can just leave you enough to live. I'll close my eyes. Just take what you want. Daryl, it's okay. Maybe we'll have like a Grey's Anatomy AU or a House MD AU. Just hang on, buddy.

I am. I'm going to remember it. I'm closing my eyes. I know this isn't real. This is never going to come out of this. It's just somebody's fan fiction. It's not real. That's a great idea, Daryl. Jeremy, maybe your talent could be writing fan fiction extemporaneously on this stage. He looks and goes, but people can read. I don't know if I want people to read it or not. That's fair. Oh, my God.

Some talents aren't made for talent shows. It's not the fault of the talent. Henry would like to talk to Scam Likely again real quickly. I grab a phone. He's behind you. Scam. Hello. Hey, it doesn't seem like it's going very well. I don't know. It seemed like Daryl was making some headway. Scam Likely.

You can drain me dry. No, no, no. I mean, like, this is all going great. But I mean, it also it felt like at the end of the last AU, Jeremy, like he was looking for someone. You know, is there anyone else that like he misses? Do you know anything about like his whole deal? It just seems like he's still kind of sad. So I just don't want him to win this one, too. And it's to be sad. Like, so like, what's that little extra thing we're missing? You know what I mean? I think it's his mom.

I bet Ron was there as his mom last time and like... Yeah, but Ron is not the best at dressing up. Like, Ron looks like Ron. Aw, man. Hey, scam. Scam. What? Oh, nice legs. Thanks. Is his mom like...

Are we going to find the mom? Is the mom in the picture? I did some research. This poor, poor boy, his parents abandoned him, told him they would be back with fantasy cigarettes. Both of them. And both of them abandoned him because they couldn't support. Mom and dad. Yes. Both of them sucked. Yes. Okay. Which is why it's okay that he goes to an orphanage. Cool.

Who in this world do you just call to bring a kid to the orphanage? You want him to take it against his will.

I'm not saying against his will. Oh, fine. We'll figure it out. Just hang up. I can't. I'm right behind you. You're behind me? Why don't you hang up the phone? I don't know. Oh, hey, scam. Hey, what's up? Not much. So you can let this fucking vampire bite you or what? No, I think that... Yeah, I liked where this was going, by the way. I think that we should adapt Jeremy and re-record all of season one with him. What?

What if we killed me and then Jeremy did my voice and acted like me for the rest of the show so it's still canonical and you call me Peyton but I'm actually Jeremy. During this entire conversation, Asterion has knelt down and has like three like really nice goblets and now a canteen that he's just holding up next to the artery. Yes, Asterion, it's called improv. We're masters, Eddie.

Guys, I have one thought on how... To get Jeremy to an orphanage? On how Jeremy could really... He could win this thing. Okay. It's only if Jeremy is, like, okay with doing this when he's not at work. But maybe Asterion is really into impressions...

Maybe Jeremy could do an impression of a starian. Do you know what I mean? And that seems like something that, like, I don't know, the audience would be excited to hear. Maybe Scam says, that sounds like a good idea, but he's definitely going to have to roll performance, and that will determine how good the impression is. Maybe...

Maybe, Scam, you can be the new judge and you close your eyes and you try to tell which one is a starian or something like that. Do you know what I mean? Maybe just impress a starian. I like that. Does Jeremy think this is an okay plan? Jeremy is not sure who a starian is, but is up for it. Well, it's the vampire you're talking to. It's the vampire. Oh, yeah, sure. He's sucking Daryl dry right now. God damn it.

Jeremy, hey, it's me, Henry. We haven't had a lot of time to talk on the adventure other than when I was a dog earlier. Honestly, that was pretty freaky. I didn't mean to scare you. That's sort of a therapy thing we do in our world. That stuff never happens in orphanages. Sorry, what? I'm just putting it out there that freaky stuff like that doesn't happen in orphanages. It does happen in grocery stores.

I'm like, he's my service dog. It's okay that he's not on a leash. I think one way to win that this judge seems like if you just like made fun of him in his own voice or something like that, that seems like it would go really well. Do you think you can do that? Can you be mean? You don't seem like a mean kid, but like maybe you got a lot of anger bottled up over like what happened with no offense to your parents and like you could just kind of unload that on him or something like that.

I think I could try that. Okay. Yeah, but... Okay. And you see there's a tiny little tear in his eye when you mention parents. Oh, gosh. Touchy subject. I think I could do that. You know what? Henry taps you in the chest and is like, use that. Yeah, okay. So go ahead and roll performance. All right, well, this is like a really fucked up version of a backwards audition.

Ron, quick question. Yeah, what's your... Does Scam know that in general, kids don't choose to go to orphanages? It's just... It's a thing... Like the state does. It happens. It's not like... Maybe the rules are different in this world. Daryl? Who got you broken like this? You shut the fuck up. You!

I mean, I don't have a wife. And maybe orphanages here. And my legs are going to be fine after this. Yeah, because I told you, I will write a House FG fanfic so good. It will fix your write-up. Jeremy, what did you get for your role?

I got 13. You see Jeremy flexing his shoulders, sort of like flopping his hair and just generally being kind of like a bit of a thirst trap. He's just sort of standing there and thumbs up to Henry. I rolled a 13. I have no idea what that means. I'm going to roll a D20. And if I roll higher than you, you have to do a bad Asterion. Okay. Excellent. My worst. Okay, good. I rolled a 19. Right. We don't want that.

Okay, so this is how my career ends. Come to Dungeons and Daddies. It'll be fun. So he comes to the center and goes, Hello? Glass of water? Oh, yeah. No, Daryl, I'll get it. He takes it from my coach. Hello, darling.

Careful, I bite. And then just after that, just puts his hands to the sides and opens up his head and just looks at the audience and looks at Henry and just winks. Beautiful. Just like we rehearsed it. Well, the nice thing is that Asterion's been like straight pounding human blood, like fresh hot human blood. So canonically, he's wasted. He's completely wasted. So this is the funniest thing he's ever seen in his life and he fucking loves it.

And doesn't even take the chalice away from his mouth so he can't speak, but is like... Glenn, fireworks now! Waving his hand, throwing a thumbs up. Second round of fireworks. The man with the chisel... They're fucking chrome, dude. The man with the chisel looks at Asterion and sees Asterion waving him forward as if to say, this kid wins. And chisels the statue of Asterion. Holy shit. Or, sorry, chisels the statue of Jeremy really quickly. That'd actually be very funny. Yeah.

You ran a statue of the judge. Jeremy, oh my God, not only did he win the talent, did you see who was in the crowd? It's the talent scouts from that orphanage. They're looking for the best orphans. When you say who's in the crowd, Jeremy immediately sort of like looks forward. He goes, is she, is she? And he just looks around. Yes, I am.

And the role of a lifetime is now playing a star. A star is mother. Is playing Jeremy's mother. A role of deception or performance. No, I'm playing. I was arguing. You did a bad job, Ryan. You did a bad job. I didn't believe you. That's not true. It is I, your mother. No.

Jeremy looks at the crowd. He's two mothers. Jeremy, we are your mothers. No, I'm the true mother. I said sexual attention. Yes, fellow mother. We are not related, are we? Hey,

And he goes, ah, and runs up and touches the statue before you can kiss each other. And as he does, the world of Baldur's Gate falls away and is replaced with darkness. And you find yourselves in the room of an inn, a fairly fantasy-esque kind of inn. Again, not unfamiliar to you. And you come to a horrible realization, which is that... My legs are still broken. Well, your legs are definitely still broken. You realize, given the number of you and given the number of beds...

One of you is going to have to share beds with another person for the night. I can just sleep on the floor, guys. I can't really get up. No, we're not doing that to Daryl. He's got two broken legs. We should all stay in one bed. So you all stay in one bed. The next morning. Just to be clear, the kids get the other bed. The kids get the other bed. Except for the kids. The two kids are in one bed. No, the kids each have their own bed. The kids get their beds. It's okay. The dads all wake up. Each of you.

Please give me a constitution roll. Uh-oh. Oh, no. I got a one. Okay. Winter chicken dinner. 12 plus one, 13. I also got a one, Will. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's a seven. 13. When you wake up, you notice two things. Specifically, two bulging things. What? You see that Ron and Henry appear to have gotten pregnant.

How did this happen? And you see within their bellies, something is glowing. The baby itself is the totem that will allow you to escape this fanfic. And you can feel suddenly there's two splooshes and stereos as your waters break. Oh my God. Where's the birth plan? Who has the birth plan? It's been a while. I'm dilating. I can't talk to this wife. She's mid.

Jeremy, what the fuck? Jeremy, are you like, Jerry waddles over. Are you like the doctor in this one? What's going on? Jeremy's hands are open like, I... I wrote this one myself. This is a scam like the original. Sorry. Oh, gosh. We need to find that one guy that got us both pregnant. Yeah, where is he? Oh, no. It was me.

Glenn, you did this to me. You put this baby in me and you're going to get it out. Oh, Glenn. Ron. What? Ron, Henry, you're both adults. You're in the same situation. I think you two should just figure it out. You two should just help each other. Yeah. Yeah, anybody who's pregnant, you should just...

Probably. The maternity ward is just like, ah, we found another one. No, no, no, no. Pregnant mom huddle. Jeremy, Jeremy, this is only for pregnant moms and our coven of male helpers. So you have to step outside for a second. We have something very important to talk about. So if you could just like do like a fan fiction thing and think about fan fiction. I just, okay. Okay, guys, he's out of the room. Ron and I need to die in childbirth.

And then we're going to give birth to the kids, and you're going to show that it's okay and cool when kids go to orphanages because you're going to take the kids to an orphanage, and that's how Jeremy's going to learn that orphanages are cool. Okay? Oh, so like, no, no, the kids are born, then you die. Yes, we're going to die. No, the kids get born. Okay. Wait, I thought this was an AU, not America.

Okay, I don't know how we make that happen. You're the doctor. You're the doctor with two broken legs. Just because I'm the doctor, you think it's just going to automatically happen? Like I'm such a bad doctor that when I deliver the baby, you will die? I got it, Daryl. It's very simple. This is very important. Don't kill us for real. You have to make it look like we're dead. Very easy. Both of you, pull. Pull.

Oh no, I did it backwards. It's coming out of my mouth now. That must kill the mother. Yes. You shoved it down your own baby. Oh man. I leave out the door. I go...

Jeremy is not going to grade it there. It's really not. Yeah, I know. This isn't for kids. I'll update you in a second. Oh, wait. I've got an idea. Oh, wait a second. Ron's got an idea. I'll be right back, Jeremy. Should I just stand here? You should stand there, Jeremy. Because we're doing it all in here. All right. Ron covers himself in the blood from Daryl's legs. Oh. And then...

And then walks out. He's like, hey, I'm the baby. I was just born. And my mom's dead. But that's fine. It's fine, though. It's even cool. I'm going to go to the orphanage now. Roll deception. Please.

And Glenn as the doctor goes, damn, that's the coolest child I've ever met. I got a 12. Why don't you roll a post-insight, Jeremy? Sure thing. I got a 16. That's Ron, baby. That is Ron covered in fake blood. So Jeremy just takes your hand and goes, Ron?

You did a bad thing. You're right. Taddy is sort of like, go back in there. You're right. I got to go give birth. You always hear Henry just. Taddy closes the door. So now it's just Jeremy, Taddy and Peyton, right? Yeah. All the kids.

Adults are weird. Yeah, this is sort of not where I thought this was going to go. Not at all, no. I was quite looking forward to my hockey, to be honest. That's okay. I mean, I guess it's their playtime, so it's fine. No, you know what? Hey, hey, Payton, want one for you first? We've got sticks. It's wetting out. That's why they didn't have enough rooms and we had to share beds or whatever. Let's go.

play hockey outside while these guys push babies out of belly buttons or whatever fuck um Payton yeah you got a parent right now you got one I think I do not know that yet but probably yes somewhere out there waiting for you somewhere out there I have a dad so I'm a pan-dimensional being so I sort of know a lot of things

How you doing? I mean, so right now you don't got no parents at all. That's true. I'm living footloose and fancy free. Well, sort of. I feel better with an authority figure in my life. Like the kind that work at orphanages. Meanwhile, you hear the background. What do you mean there's no epidural? I need ice chips. I'm working on my breathing. I'm trying to do...

Glenn on his phone. All right, just keep on going. So you hear the clacking sounds of the three kids outside playing hockey and seemingly having a very good time as Jeremy, for the first time, is hanging out with two kids of his own age. It's such a weird fucking adult. Terrible weird shit. And then you guys are giving birth. I can see that head! Both of you are old constitutional. Oh wait, no, that's my poo!

Both of you roll constitution. Oh, no. I got a nine. I got an 11. Make a wish. Nice. So both of the babies get stuck and a werewolf has to come in and bite them free.

Well, that's fine. That's not covered by my HMO. It's actually a Twilight fanfic. What? That happens in Twilight. We're on Enter the Worlds here. Hey. Anybody got a stuck baby? Yeah, me too. I do. Okay. I will bond with it a second it comes out, though. You don't do anything until he's 18, right? No, not at all. Okay, that's fine. But I'll be thinking about it. Okay.

So the werewolf doula helps deliver your baby. Hey, that was my job. You were on your phone. And look at how well I did. Oh, my God. This beautiful baby. It's glowing. I've always. It's glowing. It has a weird CGI face. The one thing that I could never truly share with Mercedes, my wife, was the experience of childbirth. And now I've experienced it. Now you know everything that awaits.

know. Now I know everything a woman knows. Wow, the power of fan fiction really is wonderful. I think that's what I have learned today, is that maybe I should write some Mpreg fan fiction when I get home. As you say that, the world around you melts again, and you find yourselves back in the shack where you originally met Jeremy. And Scam likely appears out of the four roads and goes, well, I hope you all learned something very important today. I did, Scam. I

I learned what it is to experience what every birthing parent goes through. And it was wonderful and magical and incredibly painful. And there's a hole in my body now where it came out. I mean, that hole was already there. It's much bigger now. Yeah, can I get a husband stitch? Oh, my God. And I go to Jeremy, I go, see, Jeremy, these two mothers sucked.

You can have moms that suck, Jeremy. Jeremy, how was your time there? Because you weren't with us most of the time. So you see Jeremy, but he's actually kind of his back's to you and he's not really taking you in. Instead, what he's doing is he's actually making a very small picture. And you can tell that it's a picture like a stick figure almost, like kind of almost babyish. But it's clearly that of a woman. And she's just there alone. And he just looks at it and goes, I can never see her. I try to, but she's never in...

She's never there. Your mom? Yeah, get his ass. Boom! Yeah, Ron. And then he sort of goes, yeah, Ron, it's the reason that my dad left. I was never strong enough. She got trapped and I tried to go for help, but it wasn't strong enough because the...

She got crushed by this tree and... I guess I was wrong about why the whole leaving situation. I apologize for telling you the wrong thing, guys. And she looks up at Scam Lively and goes, Scam, you've helped. Hell yeah! I think it's time to move on with my life.

And I think you're right, I probably should go to the orphanage. And then Glenn turns to Faye like, "Jesus, you're right, this kid is a downer." Jeremy, there's nothing that provides more vibrant environment for writing than a really sad, fucked up thing.

That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing, Jeremy. You're welcome, bro. That was beautiful, Jeremy. I feel... I'm glad you got where you are. I feel like we didn't do much. I feel like we might have... But it seems like you came out the other side pretty good. You know, Jeremy, I think the only A you need is one of these. A, you are a cool kid. He sort of looks at Henry and smiles, thumbs up. He looks over at Peyton and also Tassie. And he just goes...

You know what? I had a really good time today. Hey, me too, man. Oh, the kids helped. That was another fun time. We didn't have to do anything. No, I've got no parents, so, you know. Yeah, if anything, this whole adventure taught me that you don't really need adults around to have a good time. Except for the adults that run the orphanage. But there's a bunch of kids at the orphanage. You need kids your own age to hang out with. So, you know, the orphanage has that.

Let's go together. I'll stay with you. I'll abandon these guys and stay with you permanently. Payton, you don't need to go. I called them a long time ago. I hear them outside. Yeah. The orphanage people come and they grab Jeremy. Oh, my God. And they go, you have no say in this. And they drag him back to Waterdeep. Thank you so much for listening to our special episode.

Thank you so much to Amanda Shuckman and Neil Newbon for showing up and doing this stupid, stupid thing with us. You're very welcome. And thank you for listening. Merry Christmas. This was a Christmas episode. Yeah, all this happened during Christmas, by the way. This was on Christmas.

Thank you for listening to this one shot. Your DM was Anthony Birch. Daryl Wilson was played by Matt Arnold. Henry Oak was played by Will Campos. Ron Stampler was played by Beth May. Glenn Close was played by Freddie Wong. A very special thanks to Neil Newbon who played Jeremy Pithbottom. Pissbottom? Pithbottom? And Amanda Schuchman who played Taddy Roper, Sherlock Holmes, and the one and only Asterion.

Our theme song, All Right, was composed by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis, hey, that's me, is our lead editor. And Travis Reeves provides additional editing. Did you know that Dadhammer Episode 2 dropped this week for patrons? Have a little preview. Whoa. Whoa, hold on. This guy doesn't look... This, you don't look... How old are you, dipshit? How old are you?

I'm this many, he says, holding up nine fingers. I can't count. You're going to have to say how many there is. What number? I'm nine going on ten. Nine? Nine. And I have my own ammo. Where are your muscles? I've already killed two helitics today. My muscles. I'm building up them. I kick him. I kick you over. I kick you over.

I fall into my back like a turtle. For just $5 a month, you can get this miniseries and many others, as well as our aftershows, bonus one-shots, videos, so much stuff it would probably take you all of 2025 to get through. And with that, here's to 2025. The Peachyville Horror will be returning in January. That's just life. All you do is try and it'll be alright. There was a time when you...

I've not conferred with Anthony at all about what we're doing. Oh, this is great. Oh my God, I love that you call him Anthony. That's great.