S3 Ep. 15 - The Day The Center of the Earth Stood Still
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But, Abu, when do we make my nuggets?

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And howls. Hollywood's ancient Bigfoots have always given us the willies. But this week, researchers in... Let us hear what a real ancient Bigfoot sounds like.

That's the voice of Scarlet Fury Fiasco, a Bigfoot queen who lived in the infamous Project Heartland Research Stasis Chamber thousands of years, or thousands of days, ago.

Scientists were able to mimic Queen Fiasco's voice by recreating her Bigfoot mouth and vocal cords with a 3D printer. It allowed them to produce a single sound.

Queen Fiasco was chosen for this research because of her historic encounter with the Gutterall Screams, the intrepid Peachyville bowling team who encountered the mighty queen on their quest to retrieve the keys to the device, a weapon of horrific power that left and thousands of innocent people

And though many would come to fear the guttural screams in the days that followed, now we can imagine how scared they must have felt when they first heard Queen Fiasco's mighty guttural roar. For Bigfoot News Network, I'm Harry Hugemouth.

Well, the Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a PDSM podcast. Peachyville. That sounds terrible. That sounds really bad. We're in season three. It's the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in a suburban 1950s America. I play heavy thinking. No, deep thinking. Heavy thoughts. Big. Big.

Big thinking plumber. The fact that he said like, V. Yeah, V. Well, I was like, yeah. Blake Lively's got those. Now it's weird because it's an actual person. Never mind. It's weird. It's always been an actual person. It's always been an actual person. I was going to make it. And then it sounds like I'm making a joke about the person. And it's gross. You were going to say heavy now.

Heavy Naturals. I was going to say Heavy Naturals, and I'm like, no, that's a real person, though. I can't believe it. It's a bad person. Now you said it, though. It's funny what I'm saying about Freddie's character. It's fine. She's got small titties. I'm deep thinking plumber Blake Lively. Blake has joined the team, and I thought that this week's Blake fact, Blake's favorite article of clothing. That's a good one. Overalls. Because overall, there's a lot of buckets.

And then you know how overalls have, like, there's the inner pockets up top? Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, the pockets inside the pockets. The pockets? No, no, no. The normal pockets on the outside. But then there's, like, a set that's up by, like, the chest rig. In a lot of ways, overalls were the first chest rig.

When it comes to storing things up by your packs. They got the cigs, right? That's where you put the cigarettes. Lively does not smoke. Oh, okay. But that's what it's for. Do you? No, no, no, no. There's no way that they created a cigarette pocket. It's a cigarette pocket. Most farmers smoked two packs a day in the 1950s.

I would love to be able to incorporate overalls into my look, but this feels like if you weren't wearing them already, you're gone. It's too late. You can't. No, no, no. If I walked in tomorrow with a set of overalls on, you guys would be like, what the fuck, Will? What are you doing?

do it. You could do it if you're like a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Yeah, what's really upsetting though is I look so cute in a pair of like shore dolls or like, I don't know if you'd call them a pair because they're a big thing, but shore dolls I look great in. I go to picnics and I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm looking so cute. I wear overalls and they're like, who's this guy? Who's this big toddler walking in here? Has Ashka

Gosh, who's that? I look terrible. Well, if you, if you wore overalls, look at who you're with. The only person who comment is Beth. The three of us. I don't think I've ever commented on anything you wear. I don't think I've ever noticed when somebody changes an outfit. I've three people who could not care less. If I rolled in here in overalls, dude, you would be like, why are you wearing overalls? I wouldn't say anything.

I want to... You didn't even notice when you shaved your head. I just like... So then Beth would be like, hey, you shaved your head. I'd be like, oh yeah, you did. I want to inform everybody that Oshkosh Bagosh, creator of the world's greatest overalls, has not, according to my brief internet search, has never done a collaboration with... With Jinko? No, with Minions. Which seems like

The myth of a lifetime. Just the name of their fucking store sounds like something the minions would say. Sorry, I'm still thinking of the concept of JNCO overalls right now. Oh, wow. JNCO overalls. If you want to see what they look like in action, hit the slopes. Bibs are real in in snowboarding right now. I personally do not wear a bib while I'm snowboarding because I like to be able to pee. And it's a pain in the ass if you don't have a penis to pee when you're wearing a bib. You have to take the whole thing off.

off and that's ridiculous. This is my move. This is the move. I get into snowboarding. Okay. I start wearing overall adjacent clothing when I'm snowboarding. I would love for you to get into snowboarding. And then I come into work one day holding my board and I'm like, oh, I'm going to hit the slopes later. Yeah. That's why I'm wearing these kind of overalls. Yeah. And we blow you to death. And I do that enough that you get used to the image and then I slowly start sort of like zippering in. Yeah. I would love that.

overalls. Good news, Will. On Poshmark right now, rare vintage 90s JNCO wide leg cargo denim overalls. Adult unisex L rave. Unisex because you need sex when you fucking wear these things. And then the description is...

if these overalls could talk. Jesus Christ. All right, we're doing a podcast. Who's next? Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's... Happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. She's a really jinko-istic.

And you know what she always says? I think teaching is less a job and more a calling. But that doesn't mean I want you all calling me after office hours. Anyways, boundaries are important. Matt, you would be such a good fucking teacher. I would love to do it someday. Matt, you look so good in jean

go overalls. She looks so good with overalls and being a teacher. Very fast fact. Very fast fact about Kelsey. She doesn't have a lot to her name, but she is the first at something. She's very famous. Well, not famous, but she will be someday. She is the first teacher to Red Vine. She started the Red Vine game, taking that tub of Red Vines and having on her desk and sharing Red Vines to students. She's the first teacher to ever be like, Red Vines is where it's at. Do your teachers not have Red Vines? My teachers had Red Vines. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not familiar with this. It checks out. They were invented in the 1950s, Matt. I double-checked. They were made in the 1920s, but they became red vines in the 1950s. What were they before? Black and white?

That's good. I like that, Freddie. I think they just call it red licorice or something. But yeah, she started it. She started the fad. Teachers that are still using red vine, you can thank Kelsey for it. Do they come in the big bucket? Oh, yeah. I thought that was the other ones. Is that red vines? Red vines come in the big bucket. Twizzlers are in the bucket. Twizzlers are in the pack. That's like the difference between a clip and a magazine for all you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

For all you patriots out there. When you get the pistol with like the big drum magazine in college, that's what a Red Vine Bucket is. The Red Vine Bucket was the original high capacity magazine.

I'm Anthony. I play... What were you about to say, Freddy? Hey, Anthony. Oh, God. You sound like Jason Funderburger. Shout out to my over-the-garden wall heads. I'm Anthony Burch, and I play Francis Farnsworth, the kid with a gun. And my Francis fact is that being a soda jerk, Francis has an encyclopedic knowledge of soda jerk literature.

So I'm going to say some stuff and you're going to guess what it means. Okay. Fun. Fun, fun, fun. So remembering that a soda jerk is like not just soda but also kind of a diner. So there's food potential in here as well. Kind of like how Barbara was used to like heal wounds. Yeah. Yeah, kind of, yeah. A lot of soda jerks were part of like a pharmacy too. You could get blood if you buy a soda jerk back in the 50s, dude. I actually meant something else. That's slang for something else, bud. What do you think cat beer means? Cat.

Milk beer. Milk, correct. Milk. Ooh, fast. Dish. What do you think dish means? Milk. Serve? Serve, yeah. Ice cream. Milk. I was right. This was cold. Ice cream is just cold milk. And here's my favorite one. Knock off the horns and drive them in. It's like a banana split where you cut off the tips of it and you slam them in. A circumcised banana split. That's so good. Knock off the horns and drive them in. Oh, take off the straws? Like, set them to with the straws and then putting the straws in the thing? No. Let me guess. I don't know.

I think Freddy was actually dead on with it involves like a sundae of some type. Nope. No. Then I got nothing. I will. Well, come on. I have no idea. Take the pickles off the sandwich. I like that, but no. Oh, take the two toothpicks out of the burger and bury them inside. Yeah, take them out because they're naturally a part of the burger. You just wouldn't put them in. Hey, listen, they did all kinds of crazy shit in the 50s, dude. Knock off the horns and drive them in is a rare steak.

Oh, that's good, right? That is good. That's a fun one. I like that. I'm getting a steak at a soda fountain, I'll tell you that. I was about to say, dude, so excited to deal with steaks? Yeah, dude. That's a lot. Yeah, could you imagine cranking out some Dr. Peppers and flipping a ribeye? Hey, what soda do you want? I want a medium steak. Oh, okay, let me just go do that right. Let me change everything. I'm going to wash my hands.

Okay, let me just walk into our freezer and touch raw meat. Hey, before you get that guy's steak and he get my soda, he's like, nah, nah, I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I take the orders. I

I get a steak with a dish of moo on the side. That's a steak with ice cream. My name is Beth May. My name. Hi, Beth. And I play Trudy Trout, robot doting wife, homemaker, and mother of one beautiful child. Fun fact. Ooh, do I remember it? Oh, yeah. It's so dumb. Trudy's favorite musician. Does Beth need to be plugged back in? Like, it feels like the power is going out. Beethoven.

Are you trying to say beta? Beta oven. Beta oven. Beta oven. Wow. Not as good as alpha oven. What? Alpha, beta. Beta's better than alpha. Beta's after the alpha. But in the alphabet, it isn't. But there's no composer named alpha oven. Yeah, beta sounds like Beethoven, though. Alpha.

I'm doing my best. He can't just be like, we're going to be better about this computer oven. She's at least trying to make it a pun. Actually, no. Her favorite composer is computer oven. Computer oven? Computer oven. Wow.

All right, I'm Will Campos. I'm your gun-gin, game-gin, gin-gin, main-gin. Your guy-gin. Your baka guy-gin. I'm your baka guy-gin master. I'm your gun-gin master, your game master, your day, the guy who runs the game that everyone respects and listens to. Love you, bud. And my spooky ooky fact is a Bigfoot fact. Did you guys know Bigfoots are real? No. They're real, baby.

And they're fantastic. I got two big feet. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. That's big hairy feet are real. All right, guys, let's play this game. That's just a fact. I'm so let down. The fact is just that they're real? Okay. I feel like we're going to meet Bigfoot this episode, guys. I mean, you met Bigfoots. That was the thing. That was one of the clans, remember? Bigfoots are different than the Bigfoot, though. The Bigfoot, the original guy. Good save, Matt. You know what? When last we left you,

You had entered this timey-wimey world of Big Feet and Swamp Guys, and you had left behind Francis's electro gizmo with the queen of the Big Feet, Scarlet Fury fiasco.

and retreated to a spooky mountain with Jenkins, a genocidal lab tech from Project Heartland. A real piece of shit. A real fucking piece of shit. And then you went inside and attempted to write the alphabet to explain to people, and you put it on a piece of paper, and you also drew a weird doodle, and then you skipped forward a thousand years. Did we accidentally create a Ouija board? No, unfortunately. You can try to do that this time if you want, though. Yeah, we should.

And then you emerged from your time bunker to behold an electro steampunk world in front of you with a bunch of steampunk Bigfoots because they use the technology from Francis's gun to superpower their civilization. Wait, if I had handed them my rifle, would it just be like a gun civilization? Like everything's made out of guns? We'll never know. We'll never know what Will would have thought up in that situation had that happened. That's smart DMing right there. Don't think unless you have to.

You were spotted by some clockwork festooned Bigfoots with big old electro zapper guns and they pointed at you and sorry, I once again have to do a retcon because I did say that they said Outlanders last time. But once again, I do the same retcon two episodes in a row. They do not know English. They don't know English? Your attempt to teach an entire civilization how to read English by leaving the alphabet on a piece of paper outside didn't work.

I'm sorry. We were able to manage with the Rosetta Stone. Yeah, point of order. I feel like if they got the entire alphabet and all the cool stuff that Kelsey wrote on there, that they would be more likely to figure out English than figuring out technology from a gun. But what did you write on there? I wrote the entire alphabet. I wrote, you up. And then I wrote, like, the quick brown fox sentence. And then I wrote some general ideas of, like, verbs and stuff. People figure out...

We'll figure out. All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I appreciate you. I appreciate you backing my play. More likely than figuring out a magic gun that just dropped down. People that had stones, if they got a fucking computer, you think that in a thousand years they got a computer? Hey, don't get me wrong. I take issue with that fact too, but since Will's my good friend, I'm not bringing it up to him. I was just about to give you advantage on a roll for standing up to me, but then you made fun of my world building. Matt, give me a roll. Give me a luck roll. 48 luck and I roll...

A 60. Your roll is 60. Do you want to use the power of Zuzel to... Teach you some English. No, to make this luck roll go better. All right. Well, in that case, yeah. Their language has changed over the last thousand years. So instead of going, wah, wah, wah, wah, they go zip, zip, zip, zip. Okay. There's like five of these. It's like a mounted patrol. Do they use English letters now? Do they use English letters? They just use all the letters, but they use them wrong. No, they use Bigfoot letters. I'm sorry. We come in peace. Skibbity. Skibbity.

No, let's just run back to our bunker. Kelsey's going to turn around and run back to the... Just keep going until we speak English. I'm just running back to the bunker. They're chasing us. The bunker's safe, right? Yeah. Yeah. All right, so you guys are going to run back to the bunker. Yes, you're being pursued by electro clockwork Bigfoots. They still use spider horses to get around, so they're on spider horses. Can I just say, Will, when you say electro spider, in my head, it's just like... You ever heard the electro swing? It's like...

but it's like with synthesizers and shit god i hate that that is actually the type of music that plays oh no electro swing electro swing so you guys are gonna run away yeah back up the mountain you have enough of a head start that you don't need to roll for that so you spread back up to your little time chamber like you seem to have some good ideas as to why my way of teaching you shit work first things first you need to draw like a

a guy or a Bigfoot and then you put underneath the words. Oh my goodness. We can make a picture book. We have to combine concepts with images. You could use my pictogram that I did that we all agreed was pretty good. Yeah, we'll put words underneath that. That's right. We did have Francis's pictogram which was a picture of the five of you that said that you were like from the sky

And that you wanted them to dig into the earth. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Not using words, but yeah, essentially. Yes. Well, now here's a question. Do we have any observation sort of cameras and stuff? So you can see their cameras pointed over. I'm so glad you asked, Freddy. We should have done this before we went outside. We were looking outside. Kelsey, what's your problem with me, man? No, nothing. I'm saying we were looking outside before. Kelsey, I feel like we are always fighting.

Well, just when I look at you, I think about the shame of me lying about the toilet being broken. And know what? That's on me. That's not about you. That's my problem. So your toilet was broken. But...

Yeah, remember? I flushed papers down there, and then you broke it afterwards, but it wasn't your fault the toilet was broken. It was my fault. Pipes were very delicate. I guess really quick before we go now is a rattle of teaching them English. Yeah, what progress has been made? Our primary thing is still to get the key, right? That's what we're trying to get, so that we think the key is somewhere in this society. Yes, yes. So somewhere in this timey-wimey terrarium of a world, there's a green key, one of three that you need to activate the device that will destroy the mother of Zuzel.

You are back in your little hidey hole. On the monitors, you see one, you see this city. This is where the village was originally, where you met Queen Scarlet Fury Fiasco last time of the people of the plains, the legally distinct name we were calling them. There now you see basically like a sprawling Victorian city. There's a thick,

sheaf of black smog that you can kind of barely peer under. But this seems to be like where the well-heeled Bigfoots hang out. Attending to them on hand and foot are this underclass of swamp thing guys. They look like the creature from the Black Lagoon. And they seem to be an underclass that serves them as a proletarian workforce. Over by where Blake's poop swamp used to be, you see a big mining camp.

Sort of like a forced labor camp. And again, you see swamp people toiling and digging deeper and deeper down into the earth to mine something. You're not quite sure what. So there is mining going on. Yeah. Oh, great. Nice. And then where the temple used to be at the center of the world, you now see what seems to be like something like the Louvre, like a museum, like a sort of glitzy, classy museum. The key's either going to be in the museum or a church. It depends if they think of it as an artifact or...

or like a sacred item? I think we were going to have to probably do a heist. What if they threw it away? Yeah, I was just thinking, you know, maybe they don't know its significance. That's true. There's a lot of stuff from like ancient civilizations in our world that we don't have a lot of their stuff. And I was just thinking there were, you know, sometimes I get mail and I don't know where I put it and it could have been important stuff. And so I just wonder if maybe they treated that key like I treat some of my mail and they might have misplaced it.

So we have no leads. Yeah, so what do we do in that case? This is just an idea because it seems dangerous out there. It seems like every time we walk out there, these group of people don't like... We should go for the thousand years. Yeah, I was thinking, maybe we try to just message that we want the key. Ah. And then just keep... Like, just see... Ah, I have an idea. See if it comes to us. I have an idea. I have an idea.

Instead of us going out into the dangerous world to look for the key, we make some drawings and distribute the drawings from wherever. We make them bring the key to us. Like perhaps there's a ritual where we build a stone at the beginning. Oh, yeah.

And then we say, you have to put the key here. And something good would happen. Yeah, we can make like a little stone tablet thing, like a plinth. Yes. And draw a cool picture of the key. Yes. And make like a hole that's clearly fit for the hole. Yes. And we'll make it like some adventure. We'll walk up there and see like, oh my gosh, this must be where the key is. And we'll watch from the camera. The moment they bring the key there, we'll hop out. We'll hop out. And take it. We don't know what the key looks like, though. I have seen the key. It's a green key. Oh, here's the key.

It's a green key. You can etch it from memory then. How big is the key? About the size of a key. Okay. Yeah. We don't want to make the hole too big. Because?

It's better for it to be bigger than too small. I don't think so. If it's too small, the key can't get in. Yes, then they'll be confused. Yeah, but neither. If it's too small, then it'll erode away and probably be an okay size. If it's too big, it'll erode away and be like nothing. I'm just saying if it's too big, we might find other things in there. Yes, that will be a problem, but we'll also have the key. Are you concerned about like dust and spiders? No. Like what? We might find a person there. A person? Oh, yeah. We don't want to have people sacrificing themselves to us. That would suck. No, not like that.

Trudy, I'm really sorry. I'm not on the same pages. I understand. I really want to hear your concern. If this keyhole is too big, and we're not going to make it too, too big. It'll be about the size of a key. I have a key. I pull out my keys. We'll make it about this size. What are you concerned will be in this hole? Just something awful.

I hear your concern. Here's how we can solve that. Okay. We put a little, like, dome or something over it. I could draw a dick and then put an X over it. Oh, yes. That's perfect, Francis. Nice. Oh, you're concerned.

Men. Yes. They find this rock. Yes. And if they're out there in the woods, they're probably lonely men. Yes. May satisfy their urges on this rock. Yes. Okay. Well, that would not be. And they will satisfy themselves over the course of thousands of years. And a thick buildup will make like a bat guano in caves. I hold up the key. I'm like, well, okay. Well, you're right. We won't make it that large in general.

I can't promise that nothing will fuck it, though, over a quarter of a thousand years. Yes, a bear or something could come by. So you hear behind you Jenkins dutifully scratching out your plan on like with chalk on a chalkboard. He's like, OK, so it seems like we're coming to a great consensus here. Seems like step one of the plan is one. Get key. We're going to need the key. Right. You guys need your key. I don't know what you need it for. I don't know what this key is about, but we're all on the same team. We're all working together. We all want to get out of the first goal. The first one is get this key that you need for something.

Yeah. And it sounds like you want to do that by building a hole in the ground and then telling people to put the key. Jenkins. Yes. Let's add to number one. Number two, there's a world where we will have to go out and get the key. It just seems like we have some chances to try a simpler way before we put ourselves in danger. OK, so step one is ask them to put the key in a hole.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. When you put it like that, we're going to like add some flair to it. Okay. Well, I'm just trying to summarize your point. You know, I'm just trying to help you guys because I like you guys. You're like me. There's a whole art component to this that you're missing. Then once we do that, we still have to get out of here. Right. So that's the end. We have to figure that out. So I'm going to put that as goal number two is leave. Well, at some point they'll probably create like nukes and like annihilate each other. And then we just walk out into the wasteland. Yeah. Or we fast forward enough that maybe they eventually just like make like...

individual flying machines or something cool like that we could just zip up to the top. Maybe they come up with like a utopia and then we just like chill here forever. That's true. Or maybe they come up with something that connects everybody but it turns bad.

Okay, I'm going to write that down then. So step two is, you know, run out the clock. Maybe they invent something that we can fly in or some sort of web that interconnects everyone, a sort of net, a sort of internet. Maybe that's what you'd call it. I don't know. Quick question. When they reset this place and send the water down, have you seen this happen? Oh, yeah. I mean, it floods the whole area. What happens to this room? Well, this room's hermetically sealed. We'll be fine. We can watch everybody drown and die.

Oh. Oh. Hooray. Who decides you're in here? Mm-hmm. Is anybody even going to flood this place right now? Everybody's kind of dead outside. Well, now, you got to be careful because there is a proximity detector. If you start to breach the sky or the earth, it triggers a flood. I saw them. So, you know, like, you got to be a little careful about that. How is that?

I'm not the first. All the discussions we were having were completely pointless. Do you want to listen to me now? I'm sorry. Yeah. We asked you information. That's sparing the lead, sir. That was vital. I explained this to you already last episode. I definitely don't remember. All right. Well, regardless, yes, we have an automatic sensor that if the civilization gets advanced enough and tries to breach containment, there's an automatic system that shuts that down. Oh, so how will we get up there? You'll have time to escape before the flood happens.

It sounds like we want to go up rather than down because water goes down and we could drown. But if you go down, you have more time for the water to, do you know what I mean? Wait, like the gravity? Yeah, we'll get like five more seconds. I don't know. It's up to you. I don't know. It just all seems so hopeless. What if we tell them they can split the atom and we use that to break the walls? Go sideways. Yeah, are we small? What? I'm sorry, what? What?

one more time hey don't look at me like i'm saying if we broke the walls of this little civilization oh will we be like are we on the outside like if we get out sorry kelsey just i need to i need to just one thing hold one second hard stop time out just quick question this capsule we're in quick question is not the size this is a small capsule right

Now we're in. Kelsey, you do recall we were standing at the door. Yes. And I was running towards the door and I saw you at the door. And we were all the size. We're not shrunk. But time's changing. How big is this room? You're talking about how Shakespeare is shorter than us? Okay. Wait, wait. No, this room is. No, this is a good question. This is a good question. I was thinking we were in like a small like Whoville room.

Kelsey, you really have a scientist's mind. Thank you. I think the Nazi likes you. You'd be a great addition to the team here. I'll be honest. Absolutely not. The Nazi wants you on their team. Well, let me just show you real quick. And he sketches out a mind-boggling equation. Okay. He says, you see, time and space are kind of— I want a role to understand it. Go ahead. I'll give you natural world.

I have a 10. I have a 9. So I do get it. Oh, wow. Okay, great. So as he's sketching this out, you know who would have actually done pretty well on this is old Tony Collette because Tony had a point in theoretical physics. At one point in theoretical physics. So Kelsey, I don't know how much you know about the theory of relativity, but space and time are all part of a continuum. Time is space and space is time. It's all folded together. So when you're in a machine that distorts time, you're also distorting space. So that's why this place, you know, it's kind of like it's bigger on the inside.

is what I would say. So it's weird. I grant you that it's weird, but when you go outside, you're going to be the same size as you were before. Okay, that's all you have to say. I just wanted to know if we're small. If we're not small, that's okay. You're not small. Here's a dumb question. I just wanted to know if we blew up this capsule, would we be still small? But I guess we're not small at all. So that's fine. A great teacher once told me there are no dumb questions. Well, that's not a good teacher because there's definitely dumb questions. Ha ha ha!

I feel like we lied to you. That's a sign. It's our dumb question. Well, my question to you then, maybe it's dumb or not, is what do you guys want to do? Oh, well, yeah. Should we make this public? Let's make the juice hole. Trudy, why don't you be part of the hole committee? Okay.

That way your concern about how big the hole is will be answered and you will be responsible for how big the hole is. You're president of the hole committee, Beth. We can ideate on the drawing of the dick with the X through it. Yeah. Yes, we will work on how to communicate English and ideas. Yes, I think that we should write what would be a picture book in stone so that anybody can see the pictures that correlate to the words. Learn English. We'll make stone tablets and then light a bush on fire to let them know something is here. Ha!

That's good. Nothing bad will happen as a result of that. This seems like a good idea. We want to evoke the idea that if they put the key in this hole, like something good will happen. Once somebody finds it, they'll be like, oh, we should go get that key. You can just draw a picture of a person. And Jenkins, with maybe a little technology, the good thing that can happen is maybe a small victory tune. And that's it. Yes. Key goes in and it goes, ba-dum!

And the instructions must rhyme. Okay. How is it going to rhyme when they don't know the language? They'll learn the language by the rhyming. Oh, well, that means we definitely have to rhyme when we come out. Otherwise, they won't understand us. Okay. So let me see if I have the goal one. Get the key. Step one. Teach English to Bigfoot. Yes. Yes. And we're saying that, Kelsey, you're a teacher. Do you want to be in charge of that? Why don't you and I work on that, Kelsey? Jenkins. Jenkins. Take a step back. Why don't you just shut your mouth? Okay.

You're acting like you're kind of in charge here now. I'm not liking this. We're okay. We're okay. I promise. Don't you worry your pretty little head. We'll figure this out just fine. Okay? Everybody, look at me. Don't look at Jenkins. Look at me. Francis is like, do we need Jenkins anymore? Once upon a time, there was a key.

It was delightful and brought much glee. I'm writing this. Are you writing it? Because I'm not writing it, so you guys better remember this. Jenkins, it's fine. I'm writing it. I just said I'm writing it. I'm writing this. Once upon a time, there was a key. Once upon a time, there was a key. Keep going, Trudy. You're on a roll. It was very good and brought much glee. Because delightful is kind of a hard word. The key got lost somewhere.

Nearby. Okay. But we don't know that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The key got lost. And must be found. And must be found. Because then your loving gods will come around. Yes. Perfect.

Perfect. And you put them in the hole in the ground. Shut the fuck up, Jenkins. No one wants to hear from you. First of all, Jenkins, rhyme scheme is all fucked up now. I just growl. You want it in the ground? It rhymes. I just feel like that would scan. We'll ask you when we want your fucking input, Nazi. So I don't know whose idea it was.

But there was a good point that was brought up, which is we should probably clarify it should go in the hole. Yes. Yes. Ground is too bad. We're not there yet. You're on thin ice. It's not just me now. It seems like you've upset everybody. And four against one is not pretty. So, okay. So we got once upon a time there was a key. It was very good. It brought much glee. I feel like keeping it to four lines is good. I think it needs to get to. Why? Why?

I think six lives means... There are going to be thousands of years to look at this. Are you worried about brevity? Know what? Fuck me right. You're right. Six lives. I'm not in charge. I'm just the transcribing. Trudy, you're the one who was telling how many lives would he like this to be. You go to Hamlin, you're like, I would just kill him. Francis, I already said sorry. You're right. I was wrong.

I was wrong. I was getting a little rushed. We got all the time in the world. No, you know what? You have a point. We walked out of waiting for Godot last night. We did. We knew that motherfucking one was going to show up. So once upon a time, there was a key. It was very good. It brought much glee. We need to figure out how to rhyme the word hole. It once was lost. It must be found. It once was lost. They have it though, right? It has been lost. It must be found. You see hole. Throw it down. Give a second. It had been lost. It has been lost. It must be found.

So that your loving gods will come back around. Okay, but we need them to put in the hole and not just find it. Yeah, then we'll do a couple more lines for that. Okay, okay. Because I have to be haiku. We'll come around. Okay. I'm sorry, Frances. Beth, is this what it's like when people critique your poetry? Okay. People don't critique my poetry. Oh. Because it's so fucking good. Okay. To be complete. To be quite whole. It seems like you two are on this. So what's the next line? Well, I...

I think it should be maybe like, if you love your gods with all your soul, put that green key in the hole. That green key in the hole. Do we want to do a postscript about like, don't put your dick that is on your body. Okay.

Do we need that last part? Anything or anyone who's not a hottie. Well, no, but this is great. You just want hot boy juice in this thing? Don't put your dick. You want to calcify the fucking key within a fountain of hot boy juice? Trudy, Trudy, I'm just going to read this back to you. Let me know if this is what you wanted. You wanted, don't put your dick that is on your body and anything is not unless you're a hottie.

That's what I heard. That sounds like a Matt Arnold poem. That's what I heard. Can you clarify? Okay. The hole is for keys. The hole, that's good. The hole is for keys. Not your penis. Just one key, not to jump in, but it's only for one key. I don't want people putting other keys in. The hole is for...

Not a penis. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars. Women. You know, it does feel like that, doesn't it? It does. It does. I feel like you have a real Venus energy about you, Kelsey. Wait. Oh, I got it. Shut the fuck up. Seriously, we mean it. Let's hear him out. Okay. So don't fuck this hole. Seriously, we mean it. I shoot chickens in the head.

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But, Abu, when do we make my nuggets?

I don't know, Jenkins. We shouldn't be introducing near rhymes or slant rhymes into this home. I got a five. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Which is indeed a super-duper success. A super-duper success. All right, Jenkins is going to roll the dodge.

So Jenkins failed. So you shoot Jenkins. Roll for damage. Okay. Give me a 2d6 plus four. Oh boy. That's four plus five. So it's 13. Let me look up poor Jenkins. Here. Yeah. Poor Nazi. He had 14 health. So he, what did I say about interrupting? Jenkins got shot and now he's dead. Don't fuck this hole. Remove your rib and give yourself head. Jenkins.

Jenkins crumples over on the ground, clutching his side. It is bleeding out. It has gone unconscious. You know this, how much quieter it is. Oh my God. I'm going to roll first aid. Really?

is getting everywhere. Alright, fair enough. We could also just throw him outside. Oh, gosh. What happened to you? He's a Nazi! I know. Yes, I agree. I agree with Francis. This is what we did when we were in Europe. I'm not technically a Nazi. Shut the fuck up, you bloody boy left. I can finish it off real quick. There's...

There's one problem with your plan. Blake, you're a grown man. Can you just bring Jenkins outside so we can all look at what... Can you just take care of it? Mr. Jenkins, please come with me. There's one problem. Let's carry him. I'll get his feet. There's one problem. You can tell me while I carry. Yeah, go ahead. I close my ears. I turn away. No, I'm putting my foot down because I know this is a bad man, but we don't... I'm anxious here. We don't know how to get out of here.

get out of here and we don't know anything about this world and my son's about to be turned into a robot. What? Jenkins, what? Oh, now he can't talk. He points. Give me a no roll to see if anyone can understand what he's pointing at. All right.

I don't know if we can trust him with his last words. I got a 31 and my education is 65. I got a 57 and my no is 70. He's pointing at the monitors and then he dies. Okay. Blake, can you take him out of here? Okay, Mr. Jenkins, come along. He's dead. He's dead. Well, I got his feet. Okay. You guys do that. I'm going to look at the monitors. Okay, so you open the door. Let's look at the monitors first and see if there's anything outside. Okay.

That's what he said. So trees look at the monitors. Yeah, you can look at the monitors. You see in the mountains around you, the clockwork Bigfoots have followed you into the mountains, but have not been able to find your hiding spot. Oh, let's just stay out of here then. Just heard a gunshot boom and seem to be trying to find the source of the sound. So they're drawing closer. Okay.

Well, I guess we'll... He was saying your son. Well, let's put the body by the door. Put the body by the door. Put the body by the door. Oh, wow. That's quite catchy. Oh,

Okay, so Jenkins. We don't have to think about Jenkins anymore. Jenkins is gone. Should we just continue with our plan? Yes. Should we just move on? Yes. Okay. It's so much quieter in here. So we got to make a little stone thing. We got to get these words on it. Yes. I like your idea. And we also need to connect images and ideas with English words. And we can focus on the words that are in the poem. So, for example, key. We can draw a picture of the key. Right key. Yes.

For glee, we can put a smiley face and then write glee underneath it. Stuff like that. Lost, you know, you can draw a little picture of, I don't know, how do you do Lost? I'm not great at that. Big smoke monster. Yes. Oh, yeah. My favorite TV show. I love that. I'll do that. Comes on after murder, murder, murder. We have three things we need to do. One, construction of key depositing device. Yes. Two.

instruction of english as concept and uh language and then carve this poem onto the key depositing device here's a thought they put the key in will we just jump out the moment we see it okay yeah well how do we know there will be safe yeah we'll just watch we'll just watch but what if nothing happens well then we leave it a little longer but what if they fish the key out because nothing happened then

Then we'll come out. In that context, the moment they put the key in, if we come out, whoa. Those would be the gods. In fact, we should probably all dress kind of cool.

Cool. Yeah. Neat. What costume? Oh, it seems like Jenkins would probably be able to help you with that. I don't think Jenkins would not have helped at all with this. No, I think he would. I mean, just would have had some stupid ass idea. Kelsey Grammar's put on more than one school play in her life. I think she is going to be just fine making some nice costumes. It looks like we got some bed sheets. What plays have you done? What plays have I done? I walked out of her waiting for Godot. I only do waiting for Godot. Really?

I've been trying to get it to work. The kids are still understanding. It's my white whale. It's so boring. It's my white whale, which, you know, I've tried to do with Boe B. Dick as a play, too. Also boring. Also boring. Why, Trudy, what are your favorite plays? We should do a musical next. A musical? What's your favorite musical? Careful Bath, we're in the 1950s. Trudy, have you ever thought about volunteering? I know your kids are homeschooled, and I...

Support your decision now. But have you ever thought about maybe helping out with a school play? It seems like you really like musicals. That'd be fantastic. Oh, wow. While they're having this conversation, I'm going to go out and get three rocks and bring them back in. Give me a stealth roll. Oh, you silly boy.

29 out of 90. Okay, great. 90 is yourself now? So you go out to get rocks. How big are these rocks? They're exactly the size you would need to write a medium-sized poem, exactly the size you would need to write a medium-sized pictogram, and exactly the size of a key. Give me a strength roll. My strength is a 45, and I got a 41. Okay, so you are barely able to haul these three big rocks back to you. Well, what do you do? Do you want to do one big rock and break them up, or what are you trying to do? You're just trying to, like...

Three big rocks. I don't know, whatever I rolled for. You barely managed to haul three big rocks with you back to the... Man, this would have been so much easier with Jenkins. I don't say... Somewhere Over the Rainbow is a beautiful song, right? But then I was wondering, what if the story was actually about that witch?

That evil witch of the West. Trudy, I've never heard this play till right now, but I am obsessed with this. I need space for this rock. Hold some space. Trudy, do you think... Wow, it's so heavy. It looks like you're defying gravity with that. Do you think while we work on this plinth and this book and everything that we can just have like a fun... Can you just like sing all your favorite songs? Can we just have like a fun montage where...

Tree's teaching us all of our favorite show tunes as we're writing and making this plinth. Seems like a fun thing. Okay, yes, all right. So Francis has brought in the rocks that you are going to carve on. We'll say Kelsey is going to carve the alphabet thing. No, I'm the handyman. I have all the tools for carving. Okay, Kelsey is going to come up with the system for teaching English, right? Yes, she's going to help me. What is the closest role to teaching? Education? No. No. I'm just a girl who...

Can't say no. What was that from, Trudy? It's from Oklahoma. Oh, that's my favorite state. Which is 50s, I think. Yeah. Yeah, Oklahoma was around in the 50s. Give me a education roll then.

Ask a teacher to get an education. And she gets a nine out of 70. Whoa. That's very good. So zero. That's a super duper success. You don't have to go into the details, but describe to me, like, is there any fun Kelsey isms she puts on these rosetta stones? As every artist knows, it's impossible not to put a bit of yourself in your work. So the entire work is just full of Kelsey isms. It is essentially an A to B book. I mean, A to B.

You'll never get past B. That's your life. They only know Baba's. It's an A to Z book, and every page has, like, multiple drawings. I think those drawings are based off of your helping, right? So whatever Blake says he's good at drawing at, it's like, okay, what's easier for you to draw, like an apple or an aardvark?

Oh, great. They knew an apple. Kelsey, it's round with a stick at the top. That's good. Can you also do a hardvark? We got some extra space on this rock. Ah, yes. A hardvark. A dog with a stick. Great. Kelsey, you realize this is kind of ironic, right? Like, you're finally making an encyclopedia. It's all your own. It's for babies, but you're right. You know what? Let's do I-

Can you draw that? Ironic. Let's see here. I'll do it. Ironic. Oh, very easy. I draw a clothing iron. No, you're right, Francis. I guess in some ways this is like the first encyclopedia. Holy.

Holy shit. For this civilization. No, that seems arrogant because they have a very great civilization out there. They just don't know the way that we say it. What's more important is that our civilization is the best one and we're spreading it to them. Hey, you know what? I'm just saying English just sounds right to me.

That's all Kelsey's saying. That's all Kelsey's saying. Okay, so you have now carved your Rosetta Stone. Congratulations. Yes. Who's going to write the poem? Trudy. I did. Okay, so give me... And I'll carve the pictures. No, I'm carving. Oh, you're carving pictures. Never mind. You're carving the pictures. You already came up with the poem. I guess there's no role for this. You just do it. Francis, you got the rocks. I think you can make the rock that the keyhole goes in. Make it look cool and really regal. I'm going to do a Stussy S on it. You know what? I wonder what that's about for generations. You know that S you've been looking for? Yeah.

So one of these rocks is just... Is your cousin Marvin Stussy? One of these rocks is just going to have a hole in it, and this is the rock that the hole goes into. It's not going to just have a hole in it. Francis is going to make a... It's going to have a Stussy ass. Is that it, though? Are you going to make a little...

Make it look a little like maybe a picture. Oh, no. I'm also going to carve an image of a penis with an X through it. Yes. I'm also going to give you my recollection of what the key looked like and a little arrow saying, like, key into here. Yeah. And much like a sketch artist, I will take those details and make something similar. Okay. Great. And everyone knows a great artist, you leave a little bit of yourself behind. Yeah. What would this be? You're just carving something into a hole. You're just putting a hole in a rock. And I have infinite time. Okay.

All right, you make it. Yay! You know what? The first three weren't great, Francis, but this fourth one you did a great job. That just makes perfect. Trudy, what are you doing while all of this is going on? Thinking about musicals. Can I roll a spot hidden to see if Francis ever took the rocket into his bunker? Yes, you may, Matt. You don't need to roll for this. I know if it happened.

It was just like late at night. You just hear. If you see me limping the next day, you'll know why. Where are you making that keyhole bigger? It's big enough for a key. Thank you. All right. Here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. Yes, I did pass my spy check. I don't know if we need to.

Okay. Then you know. Francis is taking that rock for like a little extracurriculars every night. Francis is really working like 24-7 on that rock. I've got a pretty good work ethic. So you guys did well on your rolls, so I will not give you disadvantage on the roll. I'm going to now do to see how many days this took.

I rolled very well. I rolled a 13, so this took you two weeks, basically, to do all of this. Ooh, my bones feel two weeks older. Hard to get up. The whole place reeks of the rotting corpse of Jenkins. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. At no point in the two weeks.

two weeks did we throw out his corpse? Let's cut to when the coast was clear because right they were hunting for us but they're not gonna be hunting for us forever. Okay. All right. Kelsey realizes she has nothing left to do. She one day was like guys I think I'm just gonna go take a is there a bathroom in this place? Yes. There's a bathroom. Kelsey to spare everybody else especially Francis went in and fucking dismembered the body and cut it into tiny pieces and slowly flushed it. No it's dangerous outside Francis. Francis I don't ask what you do in the bunk with the rock you don't ask what I'm doing in the bunk. You don't ask

What about? What about? What about? You don't ask what I'm doing. I don't even know what you're talking about. You don't ask what I'm doing in here with Jenkins. I stubbed my dick. That's why I'm limping. You don't ask what I'm doing in here with Jenkins' body, okay? I get it. I'm doing this for all of you, and I closed the door. Andy, did you just say you just stubbed your dick? Yeah. That's why I'm limping. Okay, so there's no discussing friends with Jenkins' body. We got rid of it. Yeah, there's just some things that good families don't talk about. It's very slippery in this bathroom now. Oh, hey, Blake. I opened up the door. Sorry, a little embarrassing. I think I clogged the toilet in here.

Ah, no problem. She also had her period really bad. All right, Blake, give me another mechanical repair roll to fix the toilet because Kelsey absolutely did clog the toilet doing this. Well, no problem. I understand the toilet implicitly. It is my entire sense of being. I have a

35 mechanical repair. That's a 35? You didn't put more in mechanical Freddy. What the fuck? What did you roll, Freddy? I can see it on your screen. I rolled a 42, so I could burn seven luck and we're okay. Or we ain't pooping for a while. Guys, we can't use that bathroom anymore. I mean, we can. We just can't use the toilet. Oh, no. We have to use the whole bathroom.

We're not using the hole. I'm putting my foot down. We are not using the hole. I can't afford a yeast infection right now. Oh, God. No. Okay, so the bathroom's broken. It's clogged up with Jenkins pieces. Yes, you've clogged the toilet with Jenkins. You've been in here for two weeks. I'll be nice and say that today was the day that you finally broke the toilet.

Because probably you were trying to flush his skull down or something like that. Okay, sure, yeah. I fixed the toilet. You have the stones. What do you want to do? Well, should we put it out there, Trudy? Let's throw them out.

I guess. Yes. And maybe I'll distract them while you put it out, if they're still out there. What's the situation outside? You look outside. You can't see anybody out there. There's a camera pointing down sort of over the immediate vicinity of the entrance of this cave. Careful. The entrance of this bunker. Sounds like a trap. Sounds like a trap. But there's not much out there beyond that that you can see. So you're going to have to go outside if you want to look. Okay.

Fortunately, one of you is really good at stealth. Oh, okay. Good luck. Reconnaissance mission. Make sure the coast is clear. And maybe adjust the cameras around so we can see more. Sure.

I got a 59 out of 90. Okay, so you sneak out. What do you do? Do you just try to skulk up to like a good vantage point or something like that? I feel like I just did a Scooby-Doo, put my head out, look left, look right, because we're just going to put the stones right outside the door. I don't need to go any further than that. Yeah, we're not going to go that far out. Yeah. Okay. Because they'll find them in hundreds of thousands of years. We have time. Okay. So yeah, you don't see anybody. Give me a spot hidden roll.

It's a 38, and my spot hidden is 25, so I don't see anything. Hey, guys, you remember when Will described a museum? What? What? What? He's just trolling how much work I did that you guys aren't engaging with. He described a whole museum, dude. He was going to be like, oh, probably he's got cool fucking sculptures and shit. His day is out there. He gave us

Yeah, you were just a second. We walked out. What did you expect? We got infinite safety in this spot. I love it. Okay, so you roll the rocks. Dude, there were Zeppelins, dude. Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's pretty cool out there. You roll the rocks out. You see a cool zeppelin in the distance. And then you hear a huge boom. And you see a cannon at the middle of the city. A massive cannon fire. And a projectile launched straight up to the vault of heaven and explode off of the roof of the world. Way, way, way, way, way in the distance. But that's just some cool thing you're never going to see. That's pretty cool. Cool. Dude, is that like when Katniss threw the arrow up there? Yeah, bro. Bro's watching Hunger Games. Yeah.

Bro! Okay, so you close the door, I assume. Yep. Alright, there's some rocks out there. What do you want to do now? Wait! Oh, maybe we need to let them know that the rocks are here. Maybe we need to like, maybe... Oh, yeah. You know? Oh, is that something Trudy wants to do? Sure. I just, I don't know. It feels like Trudy's been hanging out thinking of musicals. Maybe sing a little musical for him or something? I don't know. Yes, I will do that, of course. Uh, uh, uh... Oh, Trudy needs a hard reset. Oh, yes, I pull my, I pull my hair. So if you carry me...

♪ As someone told me lately ♪

Everyone deserves the chance to kill Jenkins and his body's out here now. And you can eat it too. It's still in the toilet. Oh, yeah. No, that's good, Trudy. But I like the rhyme. Step back inside so you're safe, though. I'm going to step back inside. Pretty good, Trudy. Give me a persuade roll, I guess is what we'll call that, for your singing. I mean, because we're just hoping they find it in the next, like, thousands and thousands of years. Oh, yeah. I'm do good.

Okay. That's okay. I was thinking maybe we shouldn't end the show with that. Maybe that should just be the first ass break. You know what we can do? The rocks are all the way here, but why don't we just throw like pieces of Jenkins? Yeah. We can also just like, wait, eventually somebody will come back. Yeah. Why don't we just see if a thousand years is enough and if people can't find it, we'll add more. If back on earth we had a big weird

bunker that nobody knew anything about and we couldn't get into or we knew that there was something there and we couldn't find it there would be at the very least like conspiracy theorists walking around a lot you're right francis if nobody finds the key in a thousand years and we'll add some more signposts to get them closer to it all right we fast forward a thousand years all right you fast forward so you turn the knob of towards we're watching the key from the camera you're watching the key from the camera and the camera wasn't pointing at the keyhole then we went outside we bent the camera to look at the key so we'll do a luck roll what's your luck score

Who are you asking? I guess it has to be the average of everybody. I think our group luck is like a 90 with all of us. I have 55. We'll do an average. I like that. Okay. I'm 48. 79. I have 40 luck. Plus 40. And then do we all roll a die? We get an average of all of us as well? Absolutely not. I rolled a dice. Okay. I rolled an 86. So unfortunately, this first thousand years, no one found it.

They spent all that time taking my rift and making the best musical ever. And they took credit for it. True, your musical's huge. And let's say in a thousand years, the civilization now looks like a 1950s futurist civilization. Well, it looks just like us. Cool. Great time. It looks modern, but like a little bit more Jetson-y outside. Oh, wow. I love the furniture. Oh, and the other thing is, give me a spot hidden, everybody. I've hit one.

I definitely failed. 41, I failed. 41 out of 50, I passed. You passed? Yeah, I got 50 spot-hitting. Remember, I put all my stats in spot-hitting. Then you realize that, like I told you guys about this last time, that there is a monitor pointing back into Project Heartland.

In the control room that you saw. That's in super, super slow motion. That was in super, super slow motion. Except when you dilate time to go forward a thousand years in the blink of an eye, you're now moving at the speed of time in Project Heartland. So Tucker's no longer in that room. He's gone. Oh, no. So it's only been a couple of seconds. But you realize that the more you fast forward time, the closer and closer Tucker is going to get to his goal of kidnapping Timmy.

And the DM's deadly time trap has been destroyed. He's done it. Not so infinite. Okay. Trudy, he's not going to kill your kid. He's going to do something worse. No, he's a big pussy. No, no, he's good. We can undo whatever he does.

There's no tension. No, he's going to hurt their kid. No, you're right. You're right. No, that means we can't just spend a thousand years left and right like it means nothing. Let's go ahead and add some signposts. Clearly, this civilization is a hard time walking up hills and looking around. There's no kids that just want to walk outside. A song called Running That Hill. Trudy, I love you. I love you so much, too. I think a song. I think we've tried the song. It didn't work last time. I think we need something more physical, like some sort of like. You're right. I don't know why.

No, Trini, it's a good song. I thought I could bring the world together with music. It's a good song. We just didn't make space for it. Yeah, I know. It's a good song for a lot of things. Just don't think this song helps point... Yes, it's just totally useless for our purposes. Yeah, it doesn't help point them to this key. You'll make a better second half. Francis, you say you have an idea. We need a trail of breadcrumbs somehow. Well, at the very least, presuming that they're kind of a futuristic society, they probably have like...

radar or sonar or satellites or something, which means we could like make a message in the rocks outside, like for a plane to fly over and see it. Oh. And then in addition, I could just fire my rifle once and

And they could be like, that's a loud noise. Where did that come from? That's mysterious. And then maybe they'd start searching around here. No, I don't know about that, Francis, actually. Yeah. No, maybe the problem wasn't the singing. It was just how loud we were singing. Maybe we just need really loud. Maybe we sing as one. Oh, wow. Are there any radios in here? Jenkins would have had such a good idea for this. No, we don't care. Oh, such a shame. Such a shame. There's such a clever thing Jenkins was suggesting you do. I had a good idea for what to do with Jenkins, and I fucking did it. Wait, that's the reason that Jenkins left his diary.

diary here. Oh, no. Trudy, that feels wrong. Also, what's the best thing that could happen? You still have the satisfaction of knowing Jenkins had a good idea. Go ahead and read the diary, Beth. I know it feels wrong, but, you know, who knows what's in here? A mind's man, I mean, a man's mind is a mysterious place. Is it?

No, you're right. Do you want to read Jenkins' diary? I'll read Jenkins' diary in private. In private, okay. I'll make the idea, Stephen.

So none of us know you have his diary. Give me- Page three. Give me a single D10 roll. Seven. Okay, that means you're going to have to listen to me do seven of Jenkins' diary entries before I give you the one with the idea. Okay. Dear diary, first day at Project Heartland. Gee whiz, I'm so excited to learn about how I can help our boys in blue and our society and the good old U.S. of A. persevere with the power of eldritch science.

I am a complicated guy, you know, and I have a lot of things going on in this old head of mine. Ever since dad died, I've been feeling like, what's my place in the world? And I think I've found it.

Is this going the way you want it to, Will?

I got a good one for you, Will. Only Beth is reading it, too. Yeah, Beth is getting really into the story, yeah. Dear Diary, journal entry number three. I love that I only do one of these a year. It's a nice way to look back on my year, and what a year I've had. We've learned so many things about technology, and we built a cool robot that I think Director Trout is going to use as his wife or something. I don't know. It's kind of weird. He's a weird guy. I don't know if I like him very much, but oh, he's coming to the room. I better wrap this up.

Dear Diary, episode number four. Why did I... This is fucking... Okay, so I... Wow. What happened to Jenkins this year? I fell in love again. I got my heart broken again. Poor old Jenkins. Ain't that just the way. Isn't that just the way? But I know someone is out there for me someday. I'll meet them and they'll see me that I have a lot to offer. And I'm not just someone who experiments in horrible ways on a group of people.

I hear their screams at night sometimes. Sometimes I hear the screams of the thousands of civilizations that we've swept away like dust, and maybe that's all we are. He feels guilty but did nothing about it. So brave. I feel really guilty about the fact that I'm guilty about it, but I haven't done anything about it. What's important is that he centered himself in that story. Dear diary, journal entry number how many are we at, Beth? We're at five, but it's weird that number six and seven are missing. laughter laughter

You see scribbled on the last page. I've got it. Great. He just like, it's an idea he had while he was sleeping one night. He's a great idea. If need to communicate message, crack in wall that whistles, shave in a haircut could change stone to say something else. Question mark. Oh, that's smart. Yeah. The next one X, the light has gone out of my life. Dang. What happened? The January closes the diary. Guess Francis was right.

About what? That it was useless? Yep, men have no good ideas. All right, the next team meeting. Trudy, you have any ideas for how to communicate with everybody? Think, Trudy, think. Oh, gosh. Ah, yes. Well, I can't take full credit for this, but it is a pretty genius idea. Actually, no.

If I'm going to be a force in the workforce, I need to learn to take other people's ideas and say, hey, this is my idea, and say it louder. You did tell us that it's someone else's idea first. So is this your idea or is this somebody else's idea? Yeah, which one is it, Trudy? Well, you're giving it to us, so it's fine. But yeah, go for it. Women can be anything.

Yes. The shave and a haircut little like. The ditty. The ditty stone. Ditty. D-I-T-T-Y. It's not the ditty stone. No. And we can make it say something else. Oh, yeah. Interesting. Can we also make it louder? Yeah, can we make it louder? That would be a good thing. Oh, it's just a knob. And we can make it louder. It's just a knob. Yeah, it's just a little. All right.

All right. Let's just do that. It doesn't even matter. How do we roll for that? Can we just make it loud? We just don't need people to come here. I want to kill myself. Yeah. Well, you would, in theory, have to like, all right, fuck it. Yeah. On the control panel, you blow, there's a dusty, unused part of the control panel that has a typewriter on it and you can type in what you want the wind tunnel to say. Oh, I've done this before. Very easy. Oh,

What was that, Blake? Just a very loud sound. Oh, okay, so you just tap it. I'm not understanding it anyway. I rolled a 10 on my edu, so it's like, you know, I was looking around at the manuals and stuff, and I figured out how to use this. Great, thank you. Great. I think we just type all caps. O-O-O-A-U-O-O-A-U-U-U-U-U-I-O-U-U-U-U. And just turn it up full blast. I've got it.

For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn. So mysterious. They'll have to come looking. Is the baby dead? Did they simply outgrow the shoes? Was it not their baby? Oh my God, Trudy, that's such a good idea. That's so sad. I do want to just remind you. It doesn't take away how good of an idea what you just had was. They do not speak our language. Oh.

Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes. But I'm sure once they do, that would be a great one to do. Yes. But we can put that in. No, we're not. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what's in there. So let's do that. So a bunch of vowels. No, no. We're going to do baby. Let's do Trudy's idea. Oh. I look at Plank like, come on. And we'll keep the same theme. Just do Trudy's idea. She needs this. So it's still like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

So we type that in and we put that on full blast. Okay. And then we fast forward. We don't like just jump to a thousand years. We spend time and we're watching. Okay. So it's like when you're filling up the pump and you're trying to get to exactly $20. Yes. Okay. All right. So yeah, you see, you

And you see a little, you know, like this deer comes by and it licks it. And then you see like, you know, like there's a wind and stuff like that. And then sure enough, someone, yeah, a little bird comes by and fucks the hole. Um, and then, uh, yeah, eventually two college Bigfoots are out here smoking weed. And then, are they barely legal?

Two sexy co-ed college Bigfoots come out here and are smoking weed. And then they see these rocks and they're like, oh, and then they pick them up and look at them. And then they run back to town. Okay. Now, now the rocks are gone. Wait, the keyhole rock too? Yeah. You can pick the rocks up, right? Well, I guess. Yeah, that's on us. So we start fast forwarding to see if, you know.

Maybe we should have put them back where they were. Or they'll show them to somebody in the museum. We'll be like, where did you get that? This is incredible. You can't move it from where it was. Bring us back to where it was. Politically, they'll eventually be like, hey, it's really irresponsible that you took it from where it was. You should have gone back. All right, here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do. Okay, so you see the rocks disappear. And then...

You're looking at the monitors. There's a monitor over the city. There's a monitor over the swamp, the mines. And then there's the one at the museum, right? So yeah, if you trace it, you can see them go back to the museum. And then like in fast forward, you see this huge crowd get around the museum because it's like this amazing new discovery. There's now like posters of these rocks. Yeah, there's posters of the rocks. And you know, like there's all this hubbub. Come see the cum rock.

And no, no Indiana Jones type, no archaeologist, no serious museum person who got this and believes it's a real thing was like, hey, where did you acquire this? And let's go. Like the first thing when you get a boat, they'll be like, hey, let's go check out this archaeological site. Where'd you find it? So yes, we'll just worship it and make our entire society. As that's going on, the Bigfoots are astounded by this discovery. And you see, fast forward, a Bigfoot come over to the mines and like, you know, make an announcement and all the workers like put down their pickaxes. And it seems like this

message from the gods has brought unity among the bigfoots and the swamp people for a second. And like, you kind of ushered in maybe a new golden age for this society, bigfoots and swamp people working together in tandem. All it took was three rocks. Hey man, that's God. He's coming to speak to us. And so then the bigfoots and the, and the swamp people form a new kingdom and they're looking around. Yes. They have a scouting party that comes up into the mountains. I slow down. Okay. And now they're looking around.

around and the two college kids who are a little older now but not a lot wiser show them and discreetly hide where they were hiding smoking their weed and then they point to the rock where they found the thing and it's at the fever pitch that is saying for sale baby shoes never worn I'm gonna stop I'm gonna come in with it okay guys it seems like we've been doing this plan for a long time maybe we just give it one more shot

And if it doesn't work, we'll go and do a heist or something. We'll try this one more time. One more. So as they come up, I go, okay, maybe tie a rope to me. It seems like we've changed civilization, which is great for them, but it doesn't get us the key. So I'm going to come out there. They all worship this thing now. They have an idea. I was just going to dress up.

Kind of godly. Come out when they're there and mime and like have a rock in my hand and be like, whoa. And mime putting the key in the rock and putting it on the ground. Don't they speak English now? And say, huh? Don't they speak English now? Do they? I don't know. Based on the posters that have come up since the rock has showed up. Depends on how long you wait. I'll put that out there.

How long do you want to wait for English to spread like a mind virus? We waited until the first time somebody shows up without, and they don't have the key or the rock with us. Okay, in that case, that's only been a couple weeks. They don't speak English yet. Oh, okay. Yeah. We made these outfits to look all cool. Should we come out and be like, hey, you got to bring that thing back? Put it right here. We just got to keep it really brief because they might try to capture us and do experiments on us and stuff. That's fair. Like, we just go like, eh, eh.

Like turning a key motion with our hands and then we go back inside and close the door. What if we cut a rock that looks like key so we can hold it? And then when we go out, we can point at it. Visual aid. Great synchronization. So I will come. Okay. Let's all know exactly what our move is so we can all do it at once and then walk back in. Yes. I step out. I'm going to hold a rock and gesture putting a key in it. Using a prop key. Using a prop key. That's fine. Yes. A little piece of cardboard, a little piece of paper. It just looks like a key. We're using it. It's fine.

I think they understand this is pretty, you know, it's like a kid's play. You already did a whole poem about this, right? Yeah, we wrote a whole poem about it. But they took it away from us. But they don't speak English yet. Because you won't wait long enough for them to speak English. They took it away from here, so now we're just asking them to bring the key back here. Yes, yes. All right. Francis, when you said that we could probably reverse whatever Tucker does to Timmy, did you mean that? Yeah. He's not going to, like, permanently fuck up your kid. It's his kid, too.

Maybe we should go further in the future. Well, I mean, let's give this a try first. Trudy, you're a good mom and whatever happens, we're going to save your kid. And if something happened to him, you're going to be there to help him through it. Okay. And you can blame me. I'm saying that as I'm putting like the costume on you. First, what we're going to do is give this one more shot and then we can move on. Okay. You open the door. Yes. Uh,

We're not sure where the two calls come from. Yeah, so this hidden wall in the rock slides open and you see this whole area's been kind of cordoned off almost like a Close Encounters of the Third Kind situation where there's a bunch of scientists with readers and doodads and bitmorphs. Oh, man. And when they see this wall open there, they're like, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip,

Zip, zip, zip. Oh, my God. Zip, zip, zip, zip, zip. Because they're saying, like, hold on. Yeah, do they bow? So first, like, we'll say that, like, a cool floodlight, because it's nighttime, so that blinding inside light from inside this bunker, you know, like, you're silhouetted as you emerge. And then they turn on their lights, and it spots you in your costumes. ♪

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But, Abu, when do we make my nuggets?

And Ralph's. Consigues productos para todos los gustos. Y tendrás acceso a más de $600 dólares semanales en ahorros con cupones digitales. Porque lo bueno se comparte. Ralph's. Fresh para todos. Describe these costumes to me. Well, I took the bed sheets. Okay. And I made them really billowy. And they flow wonderfully around us. And they attach, the cloaks attach to our arms as we wave our arms. We look big and bird-like. And Trudy, you did the headgear. So why don't you explain what you did with that? Well, I...

thought that I would take a big can of beans from inside. It was a huge can. And I thought that I would make a little helmet out of it. I did that and I made it a helmet and it's so big and it's just, it's great. My favorite part of your helmet was when you put big keys on top of it too. Yeah.

Who's wearing that bean helmet? All four of us are in these billowy robes. They ran out of bed sheets, so mine is just a ghost. I'm just a regular ghost costume. What do you mean they ran out of bed sheets? They ran out of fabric for mine, so mine is just like a ghost costume. Wait, isn't a ghost costume just a sheet? Yeah, with two eye holes. But we ran out

You didn't have enough for the Billy arms. Okay. Such a technical, like they had enough fabric to make a ghost costume, but not enough to do arms. No,

No, the cool flowy arms. Matt described the cool flowy arms. We all want flowy arms. We pulled straws. Unfortunately, Blake pulled the short straw so he doesn't get flowy arms. I'm ghost. Okay, so Blake is a spooky ghost and the three of you are in flowy arm robes and you have bean helmets. I am wearing my crown up over my bean helmet.

And you got the crown. Yes. Yes, that's right. Because you got the crown, the lost crown of Queen Scarlet Fury Fiasco. Yes. Which you are wearing on your head. That's a very good detail. And then Kelsey steps forward in her most disappointed and serious teacher face, points to the keys on all of our heads and goes, why is the key not here? And I hold up a sword and I mime the key coming in and I place it on the ground and I bring the key back.

And then I look at all this, be angry. Oh, yes. And Trudy clears her throat and says, so if you're looking for a sale, baby shoes never walk.

Francis points at his crown and goes, I'll trade you this for the key. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip. And the whole time I go back inside. We wave our hands all mysteriously and like go back inside. Like, whoo. We close the door. Guys, great job. I think we killed it. You are good at putting on plays. If we get back this, if you don't mind, I would love you to run the school plays. If I could help. Oh, wow. What an honor.

honor. I would love that. Obviously, my attention needs to be saving my son first. If everything turns out okay. And then after, you can save your son with the power of drama. I just think it's important to know we don't want to just worry about saving the world. We want to think about all the things we want to do in the saved world. There's surviving and then there's living. We're going to do another bootleg off-label not the way you're supposed to play Call of Cthulhu's average group role again. So everyone give me your persuade skill.

30. 30 plus... I got 55 as I persuade scale. 10. 10. Plus 10. Do we wait this because I did the motion? No. Hmm.

105. So you guys have a 26. Okay. Okay. Now, Matt, I will remind you, you can pray to Zuzel. Yeah. You didn't do that yet, have you? Let's see how the roll goes first. No, I'm not. No, you got to do it first. You got to pray first. I got to decide if I'm going to do advantage? Yeah, you got to decide if you can do advantage first. You don't get to just redo the roll. You got to decide if you're going to burn it on this roll. Yeah, let's do it. Okay.

Okay. Tell me what you say to Zuzel before you go out to do the thing. What was your little pump up speech to Zuzel? Hey Z, what's up? Speak. You've been watching. We've had this really good idea. We're trying to make this whole civilization. I liked Jenkins. We're just, oh, well, yeah. You're the only one. I'm sad. He can't shut up. You can't hear me. Yeah. Anyways, I just want, you know, I would really love for them to bring the key here instead of having to go down there and do other stuff.

Because we've already spent a lot of time doing this. So it'd be good if we just got the key. I don't want to hurt anybody else. We've already been hurting too many people. I just want to get the key so we can get out of here. So if you could help, I don't know what you do. It seems like you went into my mind and made me understand stuff. Maybe you can kind of flow into their minds and, you know, help. I shall grant you this boon. You shall be the greatest performer since Zargathel Blarbacks of the Quotidian Quadrant of Darkspace.

That's a lot of words I don't know. The finest order whose poetry made the gods weep at the beginning of time. There are gods? So shall your performance be for these people. But I require something in return, Kelsey. Yeah, that was a deal. 10% commission. Think to me of your brother. Oh. What do you want? Just whatever thought pops in your head of your brother when I say his name. You say his name. I wish to know more.

Delicious.

That's a weird word in that context. The boon is granted. You feel the inspiration of the divine and dramatic arts fill your soul and spirit, and you'll get to do a bonus roll on this. Yay. Can it be just my persuasion now since it's all mine? Oh, that's true. Yes, that's what we'll say. You can do yours instead of doing the other. So you have advantage on your persuasion roll. Great, and I'm 55. Okay. All right.

The first one is a 22. Okay. Second one is a 46. They both passed. Even a 22 would have passed the average one. That'd be a super success. The Bigfoots are in awe of your performance. And as you close back the doors and you see the monitors, you see some of them quickly scurrying down the hill to get the key. And then they come back. And sure enough, you watch it with great trepidation as they put the key in this little hole. And then one guy goes up to fuck it. And they're like, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm pretty sure they don't want that. Oh, we got the key. Bigfoot.

Bigfoot are learning how to say Egon. We got the key. Well, let's go get the key. Yes. Bring your gun just in case. I am. I always keep that thing on me. I keep wanting to choose it. You open the door again and now there's a huge crowd of Bigfoots. They're like, ah!

They're all losing their mind. There's like a bunch of guards like being like, all right, everybody chill. Like, you know, like there's got to be fucking like. The opening act with the frog. Yeah, they all wave their hands like Muppets. And yeah, the key is pointing in this rock. Okay. What do you do? And looking at the key, is it? It's the key. You recognize it. It's the key. Is that the key? I can confirm that is the key or a very perfect facsimile of it. All right. Just like we rehearsed. We all synchronize. Woo.

Walk towards the key. We do like a little circle around the key. You know, like in every problematic movie about women being witches, how they run in circles around the thing. We go, whoo!

And we ride around. And then as we circle around, we get really close. So they like lose sight of the key. And we separate the keys missing. And we do it again. And we put the key back. And we separate. They see the key. And we do it again. And we separate. The key's missing. And we go, oh. Kelsey's really gotten into the magic tree. And we look up in the sky. Like, where did the key go? And I reveal it in my hand. And then I tuck it in my foot. I go, ooh.

And we all start moving backwards towards the door. And then I do a thing where I have the key in my hand and I go, oh, and I throw it like you do with a dog, but you don't actually throw it. And I throw it for everybody. Ha ha ha ha ha.

And then I go, run! And we all run back into the bunker with the key. And somewhere a Bigfoot is telling another Bigfoot, I saw Footy Proctor with the devil. The door slams shut behind you. Oh my god. There's a sort of murmur of confusion among the Bigfoots on the other side. Nothing a thousand years old.

So, yeah, you hear the Bigfoots, like, outside are starting to get suspicious. Like, what the hell was that? Like, what was the end of the rhyme? Read the rhyme to me one more time. The rhyme, as we remember, as carved into stone, was once upon a time there was a key. It was very good. It brought much glee. It had been lost. It must be found. So your loving gods will come around. If you love your gods with all your soul, put that green key in the hole. The hole is not a key for a penis. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Ha ha ha!

Fuck, we rule. We fucking rule. Okay, so here's what you see. There's like this arguing outside like, whoa, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip. Some of the Bigfoots are like, whoa, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip.

Some of them are on your side. They're like, well, they're the gods. This isn't about what we would get out of this. It's about what we would... Oh no, we've kicked off a full-blown religious civil war. You see some tension brewing among the Bigfoots outside. You now have the key. We should probably go outside and stop them from killing each other. I mean, I don't know how we just do that.

We stand between them and we stretch our arms with our palms facing outward. Give one of them a Pepsi. Okay. We might as well get them to take us up or down now. Oh, yeah. We got to figure that out. We do like really humble bows. And we go, ah, we point at the sky.

This really feels like we didn't think out the second part of this plan. But it's okay. We have a thousand years. We didn't expect they were going to try to kill each other. Well, there'll be less of them if they kill each other. Yeah, there's that. I was thinking about that, too. It's pretty angry outside. There's a lot of shouting going on. There's a lot of Bigfoots debating with each other. Uh-oh, it seems like a lot of the swamp people feel one way about it and a lot of the Bigfoots feel another way about it. Seems like that might be getting started up again. Our job was just to do the art. How the audience responds to the art is not

Our responsibility. What would you like to do? Her poem was actually criticism on the poem. I give Trudy the key, first of all. I'm like, this is Tucker's. You keep hold of the key. Okay, I'll put it in my apron. Great. Okay, where were they technologically? We're saying it was like sort of Jetson's 50s age. Okay, so they got like some flying stuff. They got like, we'll say, yeah, they got hover stuff. If it is the Jetson's 50s, then it is an atomic age. I guess we can mime that we want to borrow one of their Jetson cars. Yeah.

Yeah. We just want to go to the sky. Seems like the stage performance is really doing a good job. We could just keep doing that. The vibe I'm getting from watching them argue with each other is that they're just disagreed on, like, the message. They seem to be psyched about us. Oh. Like, so far, we are blameless. I mean, I think we could, you know, just steal one of their flying machines. I feel like that's kind of an unprecedented...

anything that's happened. How are we going to steal it when everyone's looking at us and we're God? Trudy, you know what gods don't have to do? Steal things. They get stuff given to them. Oh, yes. And they speak English now. Oh, no, not yet. Not yet. Will! Will! You know the language you've been looking for? Well, listen to this. No quake brown fox. I got it! I poked my head out. I don't care!

me look to the western sky as someone told me lately and I have the chance to fly give me your plane so just from here alright alright alright

You don't need to throw us a bone. We're fucking killing this. We got the key. We didn't have to go to your stupid fucking museum for a second. Like a good field trip you pretend to be sick for, you didn't have to go to the museum at all. I'm just dying over the fact that these people saw us take the key and they all start arguing about the message and then one of the gods just bucked her head out and sang gibberish.

Close the door. There would be. So this is my point. There's a nerdy Bigfoot there. And a nerdy Bigfoot and a nerd. Oh, you know what? It's just like a rival. There's like a Jeremy Renner Swamp Guy and an Amy Adams Bigfoot. Oh, my God. I'm so invested. They're both like, you know, neuro linguists or whatever. And they've been trying to decipher the English. So like they kind of know.

They're the closest in understanding the language. They haven't quite cracked it yet. Oh my God. And they're like, this is the future. We'll be together. And the head of China goes back and is like, I could time travel. They hear what Trudy's saying. They see them writing stuff down. And then Amy Adams' Bigfoot holds up like a whiteboard and it says, plain question mark? They're learning. Yes. Oh, this is great. Looks like you got to sing yes to them somehow. Yes.

What is a universal diagram? Oh, that's great. You do that, and then there's another guy that thought that it worked like Close Encounters with a sound machine, and he's like... No, yes. That's a confusing message, actually. Just stick to one. Jeremy Renner Swamp Guy. Fuck me. Jeremy Renner Swamp Guy runs over to the sound machine and pushes the guy over and boops some boobs, and you hear something. He says...

You want us to get you a plane? Sing yes again. Yes! Why do gods need a plane to fly? Quick, get inside! Quick, get back inside! Get back inside! Say... No, no, leave it mysterious. Were you Italian? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, oh, say... We are gods of the earth, baby! I said so. Said so. And I'm

throwing away my shot. Okay. Looks over to another transitor who's got two like wiki wiki. They say, okay. You see Jeremy Renner's swamp thing and Ganey Adams Bigfoot like go over like a Bigfoot dog.

general general general general bigfoot with like a council so they start talking them and pointing back at the machine and pointing back at you and then you see a lot of harrumphing and a lot of like disagreeing going on because people are like well this seems suspicious

What happens next, Will? Okay. And then, okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Trudy, why don't you try singing? Just to clarify, sing. No plane. You all die. Yes. Yes, plane. You all live. No. Because then they might try to kill the gods.

Like, as far as they know, we're chill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're chill. We're just positive. We're kind of waiting for, like, what the cool payoff is going to be. That's right. Yeah, maybe just clarify that we'll, like, do something cool if we get the plane. You'll see some serious shit. Like rain. No, they have rain. They have rain. More.

That might be a bad thing. Oh, that's true. Just the right amount of rain. Very difficult concept to explain in a song, I think. Wealth. Everybody loves wealth. You'll get lots of bounty. Oh, immortal life. Yeah. Wow. Okay, yeah. Promise them they will live forever if they help us, and then soon we will drown them.

Okay. Not that last part. Don't tell them the last part. Not the last part. I've learned to fly a big plane before I even turn the key. Before I make the mistake. Before I kill all humanity. I said don't mention that. I said don't mention that. Fuck. Okay, so you see a lot of harrumphing and then you see the general and Jeremy Renner getting into a big shouting match with each other. You know, he's about to punch him. Oh, the singing is amazing.

working. Amy Adams steps in and then like, you know, the general says something and then Amy Adams kind of crestfallen like nods and like wipes away a tear and then like walks up to the little DJ booth and is like, we will bring you your plane. Yay. That's great. Why does she look sad? Thumbs up. I'll put four thumbs up. Thank you. As I sense, it's a butt coming. No butt, but she does look sad and the general looks happy. Oh, because she's seen the future and something bad will happen. Oh. Yeah, no.

They're going to let us get in the plane and they're going to shoot us down. Oh, I don't think that will happen. I think it's more of a personal tragedy. So over the course of the next couple hours, the army guys dispersed. And then, yes, like a flying Jetsons car comes out of Bigfoot City. Boy, this got goofy and lands at the base of the mountain right in front of you. Yeah. The pilot gets out this dashing Bigfoot pilot.

Oh, I know what to do. Okay. So he gets out and then backs up. And then again, you see a lot of, it's like more army guys here, more, more Bigfoot army guys here. Maybe bring the general with us. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Good idea, Francis. They can't shoot us down if they got somebody we care about. Yeah, that's fair. So yes, this guy gets out and you now have this plane and then you hear Amy Adams, sadly, once again, with the thing going, your plane is here.

Okay. Let's bring her and Jeremy Renner too, just in case. Our plane is here. Okay. Well, let's all walk out. We've already kind of established a whole vibe. Let's have them board the plane first. Do I have anything on me that might look kind of futuristic that they might be psyched about? I don't know. You tell me. I'm trying to remember what stuff I have on me. I mean, his coats are pretty cool and so are our helmets. Oh, wait. I promised I would give him the crown. Yeah, I gave him the crown. No. No. I keep the crown on me. Yeah. Because they want it. And then we invite the General and Jeremy Renner and A.B. Adams onto the vehicle.

And as we leave, I will give them the crown. Okay. So we want to walk out to the plane. And we invite the others onto the plane with us. And I go up to the general. The general's got like a Bigfoot cigar in his mouth. And I go, ah. And I do a little wavy God thing. You do a little dance in front of him? A little dance in front of him. And I put my. A single tear rolls down his eye. And I put my hand out for him to grab. And I point to the plane saying he needs to come with us. Give me a persuade roll.

My personal rating is 55. Okay, great. He reaches out and you can see his hand trying to shake, but he's trying to hide it. But like he takes your hand and he feels like you can tell this is the first time this Bigfoot has felt peace in like a long time. Oh, wow. He's like, hey, should we ask why they're crying? You can't talk to us, right? Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

I did. Why are you crying? I do a little tear. He just nods and goes, and I do it again. But why? He whispers something to the Jeremy Renner swamp monster. No, don't tell him. Tell me. He doesn't know how to speak your language, man. Oh, okay. He whispers something to Jeremy Renner and the Jeremy Renner and his horrible frog throat is like, because you are so beautiful. Oh,

Oh, my gosh. What a lovely thing to say. I think he's lying, but I'm still pretty psyched about that. Oh, great. Oh, wow. I do a little no, you, like, gesture to him. And he's like, solemnly is like, no, you. Okay, let's get everyone on board. Get all on the Jetsons plane, then. We should probably board from the people who are going to be sitting in the back to the people who are going to be sitting in the back.

The four of us should be where the wings are. That's the safest place on the plane is the structure of the wings. It's a flying saucer kind of situation. So it's all wings. So it's all safe.

So you board the flying saucer. If you turn around, you see a tender scene between Jeremy Adams. Oh, wow. Swamp monster. Swelling. Jeremy Renner, swamp monster and Amy Adams. Where he's like going to get on. And then he turns to be like, come on, you come in. And then like you see, like she's like kind of waiting there at the edge. Right. She wants to go with him and her heart is with him. But then she looks at him and then she looks back.

And who's that? That's like her old Bigfoot kid. She's got like, she's got a commitments here and she's, she's torn between these two phase. Cause she knows the kid is going to die. And then the kid Bigfoot is like tearfully like realize these two had a complicated relationship. You know, like this was like their bond. They kind of reconnected her and her kid. And like the, the kids like with the grandparents of her husband who died and the kid just whispers like,

zip, zip. And you can kind of tell it probably means like, just go. And then she's like, I'm going to go. And then she goes with Jeremy Redder and they get on together. It's kind of complex because you're like, wow, she's leaving her kid behind. But you know, it's also like she's going off into the future. So it's like, wow. We really lost a lot of empathy when we just looked at these people as just tools for our own purposes. These were fast forward toys. Yeah, we lost our empathy and we got the key.

You're good. Okay. Jeremy Renner and Amy Adams, Bigfoot and swamp monster. Get on with the general. Who's played by, let's say the late powers booth. And this guy, I do not trust. Okay.

He like sort of strokes his Bigfoot mustache and they all sit in the back and you realize he's got like a little Bigfoot gun that he's just like, you know, he's, he doesn't quite trust you guys, but he's nervous, you know, because this is beautiful and he wants to believe he wants to believe so bad that this is going to go well and that they're going to get to meet their gods. We actually don't have to lie. Come to think of it, we just let them blow the fucking brains. Yeah.

We're about to fucking fly out and break the seal of the sky. We're going to love this shit. So you fly up into the sky. Who's piloting? They have a pilot. They have a pilot, truly. Oh, yeah. So the pilot's coming, too. Yeah. Okay. So the pilot looks like Swamp Monster Glenn Powell. He's in everything. Why not? This guy's trying to...

too hard this pilot swamp monster glenn powell flies you guys and also there's a beat where the swamp monster pilot and then like the bigfoot general like they solemnly nodded each other like they've had a whole story oh yeah yeah i mean it's probably trying to they finally reconcile they do a predator high five like oh they have those here oh yeah i know that you also realize live tyler bigfoot is like waiting back on do you know what i mean

All right, so they fly up. We just point up. Yeah. You point up, and then he goes up. And we're looking for something up in the sky. You glide up to the sky, and you see below you the twinkling lights of Neo Bigfoot City. Never looked at it from this perspective before. What sort of adventures we could have had down there? Who knows? Probably nothing good. So you fly up, and you reach the top of the world. How do we know that? Do we, like, bang into it? They've been up here before, so he's like a boop.

It was a sort of proximity detector. Now, oh, if only Jenkins was alive, he could tell you where the hatch is. But I don't think you guys learned where the hatch is, did you? Good thing we have thousands of years to find it. Well, we don't live for thousands of years, Francis. We have...

Me, probably about 30 or so. And you got a good, I mean, well, the way you're going, I'm not sure. This is Jeff in Future Town. I'm sure they have some immortality shit coming up. We just keep flying around until we see it. Yeah, we'll be fine. Give me an idea roll. What the fuck is that? Whoa. Whoa.

Idea. It's not a skill. Oh, it's intelligence. Oh, it's intelligence. Okay. Yeah. Give me an intelligence. Oh, 70. I got exactly my intelligence. I got 38 out of 70. My intelligence is a 65 and I got a seven. My intelligence is a 40 and I got 79. There's a ceiling here. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks. Yes. Wow. Okay. So all of you remember when you were at the temple and looking up at the constellations that this point was the center of the world.

And it would make sense that the hatch would be over the center of the world. Like, ironically, it seems like you, as the one who fell through this hatch the first time, would remember where it was, but you don't because you're dumb. This star looks like the other star. You pilot your way, sort of like scraping the top of the world, essentially, up to this hole in the sky. Oh, there's a hole in the sky! Not the hole in the sky, up to the very, very zenith of this vaulted arch.

And unless you were certain it was there, unless you had the full faith that you knew there was a hatch up here, there's no way you'd ever be able to find it. But sure enough, you see the faintest outline of basically like a trap door in the sky. Cool. I fell through that. That's where I came from. Oh, God. You've got to get like a wing walker or something out to open the hatch, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Glenn Powell... The general nods at him like, all right, now it's time for your Maverick shit. This is what we signed you up for. And Glenn Powell gives him like, are you sure? This is why I got in trouble in the first act of the movie. Now it's time for you to do it. We need it now more than ever. So yeah,

Glenn Powell's swamp thing looks like he's been cockily chewing gum the entire movie. He just sticks his gun. It's just his thing he does whenever he gets into a cockpit. He puts his gum on the fucking bubble of the cockpit and he cracks his knuckles. The Bigfoots and the swamp monsters are staring awestruck at this. It was so simple. It was here the whole time. But where does it go? What could it possibly mean? What does it lead to? And they look all at you with questioning eyes. Where do we go? What's up there?

The only way till I find out. The come hither gesture. Come on, follow me. We must go through. We must go through. Amy Adams nods in Bigfoot ease, whispers to the general what you said, Freddy. And then the general steals himself. You know, he was prepared to have to do something unconscionable up here if it turned out he was being betrayed. But it seems like you guys are legit and you really are from the world above. We did show you a hole you didn't see. And he looks... We can show you the hole. We can show you the hole.

He looks at Glenn Powell's swamp monster and Glenn Powell cracks his knuckles and backs up and gets ready for a hot dog flyboy shot as like cool laser cannons pop out of this Jetsons mobile and he backs up down and then rockets up straight towards this thing. Fucking guns blazing. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

you because he's concentrating all of this energy on that one specific shot it pops open and he pulls the e-brake on the ufo and the thing flies up to the ceiling right as the bubble top opens up and like perfectly connects with this hatch in the ceiling and then the centripetal force launches you guys into a storm drain whoa and as it does i recognize this drain welcome to the world of

world of tomorrow. You hear an alarm blare. Oh, no. Oh,

I hate alarm. And below you hear what must be the most terrifying thing to these people below you. These speakers booming from every corner of the earth. Perimeter breach. All staff proceed to exit immediately. Perimeter breach. All staff proceed to exit. Flood commencing. Flood commencing. And then you hear a shake and a rattle and you see a wall of water tearing through this tunnel immediately.

straight towards you and it's going to dump into this hole and flood the entire world below you. The general and Amy Adams and Glenn Powell and Jeremy Renner all look at each other shocked and then they look at you with betrayal in their eyes. We also look shocked. Yeah, we go, oh. I didn't think it would happen

that quickly? You see a ladder, let's say down opposite from where the rushing water is. You can run and make it to a ladder to climb up to something. I look at the big face, I say, this is your final test, and then I sprint for the ladder. Yeah, I point upward at the ladder and then sprint towards the ladder as well. Like, we're all going. I hold the general's hand and I mime the tear motion and I point to the ladder and I run towards the ladder, hoping he'll follow me. So I'm gonna roll.

for Bigfoot General and Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner and Glenn Powell to see if any of them try to stop the water. It'd be fascinating to see how. We're going to say this is a role for self-preservation. So you want to roll low to have the instinct to run up and survive. So Bigfoot General sees this wall of water coming and he thinks of his duty to the land beneath him, but he loses his nerve and flees up the ladder with you. As do Jeremy Renner and Glenn Powell. But...

Amy Adams. Oh, no. The world at 97. The best of them all. Remembers the daughter she left behind, her Bigfoot daughter down below. Oh, I run back and I grab her. Well, you already ran to the ladder, right? Yeah, and I run back and I grab her. Okay, as you're running back to the ladder, she gives Jeremy Renner a kiss, and she... Oh, never mind. I run back and I grab her. Oh, no.

Amy Adams sprints towards this wall of water and everyone's like, oh my God,

god what are you doing and jeremy winter's like no no and she jumps through the hole down into that hovering jetson's car and ties herself in fires up the engine and rams it straight up through the hole and into the pipe in a desperate last ditch attempt to stop the water oh wow and we are going to see if she succeeds she really was the best of us she got a 15 that sounds good

The last thing she sees is this wall of water rushing towards her as she flies this Jetson car into this pipe, and there's a huge explosion, and the whole ground shakes around you, and the pipe collapses and wrenches down, and it just starts spurting water down into the world below, but it slowly shuts off.

and the pipe itself just falls and this giant piece of rubble just collapses into the ground beneath you. But you are able to make it up the ladder with two bigfoots and a swamp monster. All right. And you poke your heads out into the suburbs of Peachyville. Is that guy still looking for his cat?

Oh, yeah. Shit, where's Marbles? Oh, Marbles pops out of my skull. So all of this happens literally at the exact same spot that you climbed down into. And it's been a mere matter of minutes since you went down here. And you see this little kid...

who sees you come out. Let's say you come out first, because you said you were the first one. So you emerge with a pterodactyl skull on your head. And this kid's like, oh my God, mister. Scram, kid. This is my cat now. What? But Marble's my cat. Oh, gee whiz. You can't have him. You can't.

have him? Trudy's right behind me. But it's my kitty cat. I point my gun at the cat and I go, let it go, kitty. Let it go. The kid's name is also Marbles. He's like Marbles McGee. Okay, Francis, Marbles, go back home. Go back home. Kelsey, this is Mrs. Grammer. It's my cat. Well, it's tough to explain, but I just got straight up, it's not your cat anymore. Wow.

And he just cries and runs off down the street. And as you are climbing out, and the two Bigfoots and the Swamp Guy are like peering terrified out from this. Oh, should they come? I guess they should come. They should. Yes. Bigfoot and Black Lagoon creature, welcome.

The world is yours. Just go do what you want. They all, they look at each other and they look at you and they look at the kid that just ran away and they just close the score lid. That's probably good. No, no, they need to be up here. They'll figure it out in a long time. They'll figure it out. They have some things to think about. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it accept the death of all of its friends and family. Oh God, yeah, we did that. No, we didn't do that. That fucking...

fucking yeah it was gonna happen regardless i was hoping that this would like exit us in the control room so we could like turn that off but i guess not by the time we get there the time dilation will mean that they'll all be dead for like a thousand years anyway speaking of time dilation you realize that again several minutes have passed and you're also in the street near your house trudy oh

And as that realization dawns on you, you hear a loud crash from inside the house, like something getting toppled over, glass smashing. I'm going to just check to make sure everything's okay. So I'm going to go into my...

Into my house. We're right behind you. Okay. As you are charging towards the house, you hear two more sounds in quick succession. You hear a bang, like a gunshot, followed by a scream that sounds like Trudy's voice. And as you approach the front door, you hear one more thing right above you. You hear pounding on glass and you look up and you see Timmy out the front window of the second story. And he's looking down at you screaming and he says, help!

me help me and as he does that you see the door swing open behind him and Tucker steps forward and plunges the syringe into the back of his neck. I can see. I stay.

Thanks so much for listening. This hereby concludes our fifth year of Dungeons and Daddies. So thank you to everyone for listening to the show, commenting in places that you can write comments, sharing this show with your friends, forcing them to listen to it on road trips.

drawing fan art, posting fan art, or otherwise enjoying our comedy, improv, role-playing show in any way you see fit. There is no wrong way. Your support over these past years has allowed us to tour the world with these characters, which is a wild thing to say, and it's been an absolute blast.

So from all of us to you, happy holidays, happy new year. And, you know, just listening and enjoying the show is enough. But if you want to chip in a little bit more, the easiest way to do that is through our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. In return, you get mountains of bonus content, access to our community Discord, community events, ad-free episodes...

All of that and more available starting at $5 a month. The perks just go up from there, so find out more at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold. That's Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Burch is Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos is our DM. Beth May is Trudy Trout and myself. Freddie Wong is Blake Lively. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. And Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

This show is supported by a Patreon, as you know, and those patrons include people like Zig Productions, Savvy Blue, Mike, Melanie Wiley, Rance Mock, Stella, Hannah H., Matt Hanson, James M., Rasmus Skov, Andy Wright, Nickel Wing, Chris, I don't know.

We're cooking up a little thing for you in two weeks on the 31st, but our next main feed episode will be January 14th, 2025. So happy holidays, happy new year. And from all of us at Dungeons and Daddies, thank you. And we'll see you in the new year. I stay.

My favorite part of the Hunger Games as a church, and I quote this all the time, is they're doing all the buildup to the first game, and then it shows them getting into these tubes, and then it cuts to someone in the control room being like, they're in the tubes.