S3 Ep. 16 - The Fall of the House of Tucker
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Hey, who's ready to get pickle?

Get started with Noom GLP-1 today. Not all customers will medically qualify for prescription medications. Compounded medications are not reviewed by the FDA for safety, efficacy, or quality. Dungeons & Dragons is brought to you this week by SoundCore from Anker. The SoundCore Sleep 820 earbuds are ultra-comfortable, noise-blocking earbuds that offer unparalleled pressure-free comfort while you sleep, even and especially for you side sleepers out there. That's me. Same. And the long battery life provides uninterrupted audio all night long. Ch-ch-ch.

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fit? How's that canal fit, bro? Look, first thing, because I got weird ears. I don't know what your ears are like because every earbud does not fit my ears. But these ones, they fit in nice and easy and they don't pop out. They don't pop out while I'm doing the dishes and they don't pop out when I'm laying in bed. And you know, we usually go to sleep and we put a little show on, we put a little Frasier on, but sometimes my wife falls asleep early and I want to watch something else.

Luckily, these headphones, I can put them in and just fall asleep to whatever it is I want to watch. It's great. And the Sleep 820 earbuds use the ultra-stable Bluetooth 5.3. 5.3? We're up to there? Jesus. Yeah, I know. So you can connect them to your phone, set up a playlist, run all night, set up your whale sounds, drift off to sleep. And also, they have a customizable white noise library to compose a perfect night's sleep. They've got them all. Vanilla Ice, John Mayer.

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Our city is on fire and we're going to include a link to the LAFD emergency fund in our show notes, as well as a link to the Los Angeles Mutual Aid Network, providing resources to all those impacted by the fires. We love you, LA. Please hang in there. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Their faces were hideous, their motives mysterious, their bodies were hairless. Who were the humans? Witness the weirdest spectacle ever to befall Bigfoot society, brought to the Synthos screen for the very first time. The humans. The humans.

They came from the world above. Beelake, the Ghostman. Kel'zee, the Wise. Trud, singer of songs. And Francois, their vengeful boy king. Seeking our treasures, they promised salvation, yet wrought destruction.

Now in Yeti Vision, see the sensational story of those that walked with these outer gods and vanished without a trace. Starring Ethel Fuzzyfoot as Amy Adams, the lovely linguist who spoke for our species, and George Slimberger as Jeremy Renner, the strapping swamp man whose heart was hers. If only the humans had a word for the way you make me feel, Amy Adams.

They do, my darling. They call it...

Love. Also featuring Harold H. Harryhand as the warmongering Powers Booth and newcomer Junior Sweetfur as hot shot hover jock Glenn Powell. You really trust these wrinkly little weirdos, General? As much as I trust you alone with my daughter, Captain. Now shut up and fly. See now the story of their bravery, their love, and the tragic price they paid to save us from the humans. Now playing at the abominable drive-in off when to go away.

Happy New Year and welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Still not a BDSM podcast. This season, the Peachyville Horror. A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. Freddie, I'm looking at your screen. Did you write it down? Yeah, of course. I had to. New year, new Freddie. We already made fun of him for writing it down. No, he didn't write it. We made fun of him for not writing it down. But now he's done it. I just forget.

the reasons we make fun of him. And that's why bullying works. Yeah. He wrote that down too. Weird. Weird. I've written everything down. You see, I've seen into the future. There's also just like, I see we're in down a list of our names. So my name is, hold on, let me just check. Freddie Wong. I play slow talking handyman, Blake Lively. Slow talking? Weren't you like smart thinker before or something like that? You can be a smart thinker and a slow talker. That's actually a good job. It was like a deep thinker. I think smart thinking...

Okay, slow talking. By the way, a little Freddie fact. Freddie Wong is now an accomplished audiobook narrator. That's right. Yeah. Okay. I've narrated an audiobook. My dad's book, Swimming to Freedom, is now available on audiobook. How many times? Ah! Ah!

I could be an audio book narrator. My dad wrote a book, too. Yeah. Well, tell your dad to write the book. I was like, Dad, you need to write this down because I need to be on Audible. What is it when it's nepotism, but you still beat your brother who is an actor for the role of your dad's audio book narrator? Damn.

Dang. Dang. Dang. Dang. Eldest son. Eldest son privilege. Wait, Freddie, I have to know, did you do it like a little crazy? I forget where it is. There's one sentence that I read like a psychopath. Oh, I can't wait. Like in the middle of the book, I just read one sentence like completely insane. I can't wait. When it was dialogue of like swimming, did you get yourself like kind of breathless? It sounded like you were swimming. No, but his dad didn't write the book while he was swimming across the fucking. He wasn't talking at all.

The pages would have been so wet. But I did try and get all the Chinese pronunciations right, which is more than I can say for most. This swim sure is hard, my dad said. Yes, we're swimming to freedom. Available on Audible. I play Blake Lively, the handyman. Not in your dad's book. Not in the dad's book. In this podcast. Is that your dad's beef with Justin Baldoni? This week's Blake fact, speaking of shots, doesn't like getting shots.

He had to get them, obviously. Okay, good. A round of shots when he joined the U.S. military and ironically survived all of World War II without getting shot. That's how much he doesn't like shots. That's good. No, because he doesn't like shots. Yeah, so he got what he wanted. That's not ironic. But,

But what if... Are you deep thinking, Anthony? I'm just saying. Well, okay, Mr. English teacher over here. Excuse me, Mr. Strunk and White. Can you tell me if this is a comic? I don't know, Atlantis. Why don't you tell everybody we're fucking ironic memes again?

Good to know that we got the same energy coming into the new year. Happy new year. Happy new year. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom. And you know what she always says? A headache is just your head aching for some new knowledge. So go read a book.

Go read a book. Library is nature's aspirin, you know what I mean? Oh my God. No migraines in any libraries ever. A little peachy fact, a little lore drop for Kelsey is I thought it was about time. I don't want any groans that we talk about since.

And Kelsey's favorite sense is 19 cents because that's how much a cheeseburger costs at McDonald's. Wow. And that's her favorite cheeseburger. She's McDonald's pill. Yeah, 19 cents. Once she gets the 19 in her hands, she's got it going. Once she gets that 19, once I get that dime, that nickel, and four pennies, it's time to go to McKinney's. What is that 19 cents? Did she ever roll up with two dimes and be like, give me a penny back? Oh, yeah.

Keep the change. Keep the change, mister. I did way too much research on sales tax in the 1950s to figure out if it would be exactly 19 cents. And I still don't exactly know because it was only 3% tax back then. But I don't know if it applied to food. And 3% tax on 19 cents is like 19.54 cents, which I don't know if they'd round up. So I'm sticking with my fact. If there's any historians out there saying that it would be 20 cents, that's fine. What the fuck are you doing listening to this show?

Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid with a gun. Before I get into my friends' fact, I also have a thing to plug. If you listen to our Patreon, you may have listened to us do a special called Your New Best Friends about a bunch of drunk girls at a bar. The guy who came up with that system, Zeevorgun, has a podcast that's either out or coming out or something. It's called The Malachite Wastes, M-A-L-A-C-H-I-T-E, and it's like a cover

cozy D&D thing about like a fantasy city but just like my episode is about like an otter that runs a bakery like it's just cute stuff oh I love that it's just a quaint cute little D&D podcast yeah yeah it's just a little cozy are there episodes without you every other episode is without me okay thankfully so yes they're more listenable Francis's fact is that he is the first person ever to be diagnosed autistic uh

The day that he got diagnosed was the happiest day of Shane Silva's life. All the autism slur tech that we hear today, that came from Shane. He came up with every slur, every like the hand movements, the noises, every joke. That's all Shane. Hear that clicky clacky? That's us. That's all of us researching. That is the people we're researching.

Here we'll introduce you to three sets of three pounds, an independent panel of fact checkers. An entire team of fact checkers at the ready here.

That's all I heard was nobody wanted to touch that word in a riff and all of us quickly researching. That's responsible podcasting, ladies and gentlemen. I wrote out my whole fact because I don't want to. If you write what you're going to say in your podcast, are you essentially just doing an audio book, though? You're essentially just giving a deposition. I'm essentially just doing a quirky audio book for part of this podcast. Hey, you think Ira Glass is just like, hey, guys, I'm just going to go off the top of the top. Just free balling here. Just going to keep it rolling. Hey.

Give me a B. Just got a freestyle real quick. Okay, I grew up gay. Sorry.

My name is Ira, and I'm here to say my relationship with my dog is weird in a major way. So my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, who's a robot and a mother of one beautiful child, doting wife, homemaker. Now that Trudy's single, she's been thinking about creating the first dating application for high-speed communication and real-time data transfer. She's calling it

A firewire. Terrible. Oh, yeah. Terrible. Speaking of hot things, our city is on fire, and we're going to include a link to the LAFD Wildfire Emergency Fund in our show notes. I'm Will Campos. I am your Daddy-O Master. Hey, Daddy-O. I don't like how far away you are from me now. We're in our new room. We're all spread out. Our city's on fire, but we're here to record a spooky podcast, and I have a spooky fact for you today. Oh, no. Everyone knows that the brain, the head can survive fire.

like a couple of seconds after it gets cut off of the body. Depending on your definition of survive, but go ahead. And also, everybody knows that. Everybody knows. It's commonly known by everyone who got told this morbid fact in second grade that when you get your head cut off, you're still conscious for a couple seconds. You see your head roll around and you see the guillotine. All those French aristocrats, yeah, they could still try to move their mouths and shit. Did you know how long the body can survive without a head? Oh,

Whoa. What a twist. Zero? In the French Revolution, it was observed that people who had been beheaded, their hearts would continue to beat for almost an hour past the beheading. What? That makes sense. Yeah. That's creepy. Spooky. That's your fact today. So just pumping blood out of that. While you think about those severed heads of those French aristocrats and their hearts pumping and thumping, get ready for a pulse-pounding dive into the macabre world of Peachyville as we begin our new episode.

Where we last left off, you guys escaped Bigfoot land and you emerged onto the streets and bid farewell to two spooky Bigfoots at a swamp thing. They just ran off, huh? They just kind of ran off under the subway. Is that how the legend of Bigfoot started? Why, Matthew? Did we start Bigfoot?

Perhaps that's just the way. I love it. That's a real Doctor Who type shit. Right there. Like they do an episode in Bigfoot Land and then they're like, whoa. It says here that that was my plan all along. Love it. Love it. As you were stealing Marbles the cat from his owner, Marbles the eight-year-old boy, you heard a gunshot and a scream and looked up

at the second story window of Trudy's house and saw poor Timmy pounding on the glass, screaming for help. And he saw Tucker emerge behind him and plunge a syringe into his neck. Oh, I don't like that. And then I think Trudy said something about wanting to go check that out. But you guys do whatever you want.

Open world. Open world? Open world. I mean, it feels like that's the thing to do. Maybe we should run around outside in the street and get some random encounters. No, I, no. We're going into my house. Yeah, I'm running with Trudy into the house. Door swings open and you see a grizzly scene in front of you. Not a grizzly, but you see Doodles, the family cocker spaniel, I believe is what we decided Doodles was.

Doodles, the family cocker spaniel, is barking his poor little head off at the body of new Trudy, which lies slumped on the ground, a huge hole blown into it.

It's a mesh of wires and brains and blood and circuitry sparking. The body's still twitching a little bit on the ground. And that is all you see. There seems to have been some sort of struggle down here. You see a shell casing on the ground by her head, and you can hear footsteps upstairs. Is the hole in her head? The hole is in her head, yeah. Okay. It's most of her head. Oh, Trudy, do you want me to fix your robot? What?

Oh, you're a robot. You can fix this? I'm a handyman. I have a... Let's see here. I mean, I don't want... I mean... Tucker's upstairs. Yes, yes. We need to get upstairs. Okay, so you hear footsteps. As you look up the stairs, you see Tucker around the stairs and come down, and he stops, kind of surprised to see you all. He's like, oh...

Hello? Where's Timmy? Thank you, Beth. He's holding Timmy. He has Timmy fireman carried. He's got his arms draped around his shoulders and he's carrying him like a cardigan sweater. Draped behind him like a cardigan sweater. Yes. And Timmy seems to be slumped over unconscious. Stop wearing that kid like a scarf. Wow. I really didn't think I would see you again. What did you do to him? He's going to be fine. He's going to be okay. I don't believe that for once.

second. Trudy, why are you here? Did you forget your purse or something? Who do you think I am? Do you think I'm like that robot right there? I think you're like my wife who ran off and abandoned her family and abandoned her son so I don't understand why you're here. And he presses a button on his watch and he says, look,

I've just tripped the silent alarm. The Bisons, I mean, Project Heartland knows I'm in distress. They're going to be on their way. Normally, I would try to stop you guys and kill you. You in distress? You've never been in distress in your entire life. You've always been looked after and catered to, and there was always somebody willing to rub your feet at night and give you lunch and heat it up and everything. I don't think you would last one day without one of these robots. You've made slaves. You've made people that you control. You made...

You wouldn't last a day without them. Are you done? Tucker's above us on the stairs, right? Yes. While he's talking and both hands are held around Timmy, Kelsey is going to sprint up the stairs. Okay, you're just going to go straight for him. Yeah. As you sprint up the stairs, you hear the stretching of skin and the snapping of flesh and the grinding expansion of robotic metal joints behind you. And the rest of you see Doodles, the family cocker spaniel, twist and contort

as a metal skeleton seems to extend its frame and stretch and rip its skin as it turns into a sort of hideous mutant robot dog. And it growls and bears sparking electric fangs and its eyes roll back in its head and glow red.

And we'll start combat. Do I get the first move in the combat since he was talking and I sprint up the stairs? You know, yes, we'll say that. The dog will go second, and then we will do our combat order. Can you guys read off your deck scores for me? 60. 25. 60. 75. Oh, wow, Blake's a speedy boy. Yes, I've optimized him. Slow talking, but fast moving. Because my prior character was weak and easily killable. But we're starting with Kelsey.

A staircase, even horizontally, is less than 10 yards. And it looks like movement for one turn is 10 to 20 yards in Call of Cthulhu, depending on terrain. So I feel like on the low end, 10 yards. Point being is like, I feel like I get to the top of the staircase in my turn. Okay, yeah. I'm assuming he has a gun. I want to get him down before he can pull a gun on us or whatever. Then I say, you will speak to Trudy with respect.

I am essentially going to run and grab him by the waist and then just pull backwards. You're going to suplex him down the stairs? I'm going to send all three of us down the stairs. So you're all going to go down the stairs in a heap. Kelsey, you know, will be on the bottom kind of sliding down like a toboggan is the goal. Oh, like in Home Alone? Yeah. That'll be a fighting maneuver. He's going to try to dodge by scooting back up the stairs. And we'll say he does that with a penalty dice as well because he's got Timmy on his back.

I got 48. You got a 48. What's your skill? 60. So you passed. Okay. He failed his dodge. Okay, great. Describe to me what you do. I essentially head to his waist. I grab him like a big old belt and I just pull back and just let gravity do the rest. We'll say since Timmy's on his back, Timmy won't take damage from this. That was a hope. Timmy would take damage. Well, I guess because it's, are you going to tumble down the stairs? Is that the idea? I don't know. What does gravity do? Defying gravity. Okay.

This is enough going on that you're going to topple down the stairs and roll comically to the bottom of the stairs. It's like, does he like let go of Timmy? No, he's not letting go. Oh no. So all three of you, we will say, are going to take. Can I take the most damage because I'm on the bottom? You're breaking their fall. I'm trying to think of how much this would hurt. It would hurt a lot. It's a lot. All right. Here's what I did. Yeah. All right. This is a genius move for, by the way, other keepers who are trying to decide how much damage something might be in a sort of chaotic situation like this.

I rolled a D10 to determine the number of the dice I'm going to roll to do your damage. Okay. And I got a six. So we're going to roll a D6 for your damage. Why don't you roll it? Oh, okay. I like that. I got a one.

You got one. Nice. Okay. You know what? Since you guys are bouncing around, we'll have everyone do that. Tucker rolled a D2. Okay. And Timmy rolled a D2. Nice. Tucker takes one damage and Timmy takes two damage. Okay. So then, yeah, you slam to the bottom of the stairs. Well done. I'm still holding on to his waist. So you're trying to grapple him. Now you can talk to your wife. Or not wife. I'm sorry, Judy.

Oh, you know, here's the other thing we'll do. We'll give Tucker a luck roll to see if his grip on Timmy breaks. It does. So yes, actually, as he slams on the ground, Timmy's arms kind of spring free, but he's still basically unconscious lying on top of his dad. Love it. Our surprise round is going to be you and then Doodles. Okay. Who is going to attack you? Okay. Doodles is going to lunge at you and bite. Doodles, leave it. Leave it. Yeah, wait, wait, yeah. You can do that on your turn, but he's going to go sicko mode right now.

Doodles is just lunging at you. What do you want to do? Do you want to dodge? Do you want to fight back? What are you trying to do? I'm holding on to him. We both fell down. I don't know exactly how he landed. I'm trying to hide behind Tucker, like underneath Tucker. We'll call that a dodge. We'll call that a dodge. So give me a dodge roll. I failed. Doodles' teeth sink into your shoulder, let's say. He normally nods.

this. I swear. Why isn't he on a leash? So doodles his teeth sink into your shoulder and it's kind of like you don't like how dogs their jaws can like kind of hinge on something like and just not let go. He's in there. And so it's going to be a strength. He's in here. It's going to be a strength. Guys, you know how dogs jaws can hinge on things. That's what's happening here. Oh, no. We're going to roll 1d8 for your damage. Oh, man. Oh, man. I think the stair fall didn't hurt too bad. I have 11 HP. Four. So you have seven HP now. Yeah,

And then you hear some sort of like electric engine building up inside of him. And you get the impression he's preparing to administer a zap of electricity to you on his next turn. As you're doing that, you guys really just charged in here. Give me a spot hidden roll. You walked into the wrong room. Matt, do yours with a penalty because you got a dog in your face. What was the penalty? You re-roll the 10? I got a seven. You got a seven? I got a 19, so I pass. Good, good, good.

Eight. I also pass. Hella good. Wait, I failed. Bad spot. I'm distracted. The only thing I spot is a dog biting me. Okay. So in that case, the rest of you see quite easily Lil Tuck, who's a dog.

who was hanging from the ceiling fan, dropped down in an attempt to be stealthy, but you all managed to catch him because he's just a little kid. And he sort of does a little blade pose as he slams onto the ground behind all of you. Do you think he invented the blade pose? I think Blade invented the blade pose, Freddie. No, no, no, but I'm saying this child...

might be the first one to do it. So Lil Tuck's the other robot kid. The other one turned into a spider. Tiffany is his sister who turned into a spider. Lil Tuck is the third of her 2.5 beautiful children who lands behind you and looks straight at you, Trudy, and says, Mommy's been very bad. Mommy's been very bad.

And as he says that, his head starts to spin around and then it pops off of his body. That's just like Wicked when the goat says bad. Yeah. Something tells me someone's daughter has been watching Wicked a lot with her father over the Christmas break and someone's been seeing Wicked maybe a few times. Real Wicky Wicks. So you see basically his head pops off like a champagne cork, revealing like a metallic snake body. Like a Tin Man. Yeah.

You see the human head of a six-year-old boy on a robot snake body pop out of his torso and lunge straight at, let's say, Francis, because Francis is the only one holding a gun. Makes sense. Threat assessment.

And he's also going to try to take a big chomp out of you with... What is with the biting? With the biting. He's a biter. You know, some kids, it's a hard habit to break. It's a behavioral thing. Francis, what are you going to try to do? Are you going to try to fight back? Are you going to try to dodge? What do you want to do? I think I'm going to dodge because in these close quarters, I don't know if I trust my ability to use a long range weapon like a rifle. Interesting. Okay. Excellent tactical awareness. I got a four. Whoa.

All right. He definitely does not beat that. So he goes sailing right past you and slams into the wall. But you see him already rearing up to slither back into combat on his next turn. Stop slithering, you. Blake, it's your turn. Kelsey.

Hold Tucker so I can curb stomp him. I want to Tucker get rid of the dog. I want curb stomp Tucker. His head. Kick his head. My foot. He's slamming his head down into the stairs. Into the stairs. Yeah. Okay. I want his head. The edge of a stair. My foot. Applied force as strong as possible. Basic physics. Okay. So his head is currently on top of Kelsey's head. Kelsey, use a boxing dodge. Kelsey.

Kelsey, you're boxing. You're a boxer. I'm like moving my head left and right. Perfect. She has now exhibited head movement. Now Tucker's head is ready to be crunched under my steel-toed boots. Okay, you want to kick him in the head. With the steel-toed workman's boots. Good addition of those boots. It's going to hurt, Will. I know you're trying to weasel your way out of it. I'm not trying to weasel my way out of anything. It's going to hurt. Here's what we'll say. It's a regular attack. If you fail, you are going to kick Kelsey.

Or the dog. How's this? Dog's head's right there too, right? How's this? How's this? How's this? If I fail, 80% chance of hitting Kelsey, 20% chance of kicking the dog. I'll allow that. That's fine. We'll do that. All right. All right. All right. All right. Don't fail, Freddie. I like to stack my parlays, baby. It's like that scene in Uncut Gems when he's like, K-Dot's gotta hit all of us.

He's going to try to bite my toes. Nice try, idiot. He's going to try to dodge as well. He's going to try to do a dodge. We'll give him a penalty because he's all tied up. But basically, he's going to try to roll to the side so that she takes the hit instead of him. And 10% chance that they are heads clunk. No, no. 68 out of 60 on the brawl. Should I spend eight luck, guys? Yeah, you should. I'm spending eight luck. For me, yeah. Do it. I burned some luck to get a 60. All right. So you clunk him straight in the head. Can you just... Sorry. Can you tell me quick...

Ain't that a kick in the head? Roll your damage.

1d3 plus 1d4 is 5 total damage. 5 total damage. Okay, so with that, he has now taken 6 damage. As you kick him in the head, you feel a shimmering force field kind of explode. You kind of explode. And you realize there's a chain on his neck, and he's been wearing this amulet of protection, and it's now taken its full barrier damage. His geocrystal got overloaded, baby. It starts to smoke on his chest. Taking one nut!

Well, I wish I hadn't seen that picture of Betty Davis. Betty Davis. All right. Fair enough. Oh, Blake goes, a J.O. Crystal. I remember seeing this on the battlefield. That's unfortunate. Wow. It was a powerful Nazi artifact. Hitler was working on all manner of the occult. And I know that the Wehrmacht had J.O. Crystals. And

And it allowed them to absorb battle damage? You see, we have perfected a new technique known as 9-Fap November! Shit, that's good. Oh, Doodles has a choice to make. Does Doodles shock Kelsey or go for this new guy? Go for the new guy. Sounds like the computational algorithm needs to roll a dice. Is Doodles protective of his master or petty? Matt makes a good point. Seeing his master imperiled,

Doodles is going to switch to a new target. Matt's sitting here being like, hey, hey, hey, manipulation. I mean, I'm getting hurt. I don't want you to get hurt, but I'm getting hurt, all right? I'm pretty hurt. I'm pretty hurt. Doodles is going to take a bite at your leg, Freddy. Like to see this little mutt try? I'm going to counterattack. I'm going to kick in the direction of this lunging, ball-shaped object. Okay, so you're going to fight back. So give me a melee combat roll.

27, a super success. You got a super success. Okay. Doodles also got a super success. The case of a draw, the initiator of the attack wins. So Doodles is going to chomp into your teeth once again. Into my teeth? Into your teeth? What the fuck, dude?

Dude, that's gross. That's insane, dude. What kind of sick and twisted DM are you? You know, I like that. Doodles fucking goes in straight bites into your jaw. Oh, man. And is hanging from your jaw now as it's once again sunk its teeth in. Do I have something in my face? What side? Left side? Other side? Oh!

Somehow that only does one damage to you, though, because you've got a strong Scandinavian jawline. Because I have a strong power. Okay, listen up. Hey, everyone, everyone doing fan art, listen up real close. My strong, powerful

Powerful male jawline has repelling properties, not to the opposite sex, but to dogs. So yes, you have a dog hanging from your face and you now, like Kelsey, hear the telltale sign of an electric weapon charging up. That'll bring us to Kelsey. It is once again your turn. Kelsey and the dog got a surprise round. Okay, okay, okay.

So now we're doing a regular full round. Kelsey, seeing that Trudy feels like she hasn't had a turn yet, wants to hold her turn until Trudy does something. Great. Francis, it's your turn. Okay. Is Tucker close to me? I feel like he is because he got thrown down the stairs and I'm at the bottom of the stairs, right? Tucker is currently still on top of Kelsey at the bottom of the stairs. And I am also at the bottom of the stairs. You are wherever you want to be, baby. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the stairs. Not the first time a student's dad has been on top of Kelsey at the bottom of the stairs. You know what I mean? Oh!

So first of all, with him... It's like the Eastern promises. What do you mean Eastern promises? History of violence. No, no. Thomas Crown Affair. Thomas Crown Affair, they fuck on the staircase. They also do then History of Violence. History of Violence, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Not a good place to fuck. Depends on the pitch of the stair. Francis, what do you want to do? Okay, so I would like to...

Drop to one knee. And because Tucker is on the ground, I assume it works like D&D where it's like, oh, he's prone or whatever. So I have some sort of advantage against shooting him because he's down. I'm going to kneel, put my rifle up against his head, cock it up a little bit so that the bullet doesn't go directly into Kelsey's head and pull the trigger. Okay. Oh, my God. Timmy is still on top of Tucker. Just so you know. That's fine. A Kar98 bullet is going to pass through him and hit Timmy. No.

I'm shooting horizontally. I'm like, there's certainly angles. There's certainly an angle. Yeah, I'm doing it like this. Here's the thing. You saw the JFK analysis thing, and they had like the lines and stuff. The Zapruder film? Anthony's trying to make that line go away from the other heads, if that makes sense. I see, because he's like in a little sandwich. Yeah. The first time Kelsey's been in a sandwich at the bottom of the staircase, you know what I mean? Yeah.

The only thing I can imagine worse than staircase sex is three-way staircase sex. Complicated. My hand holds. I got a 15, which is a super success. Tucker is going to try to dodge. Here's what would normally you cannot dodge a bullet, but because you're at point blank range for our purposes, you're going to treat a dodge as like a melee attack. He's going to gently duck his head out of the way. It's a diving for cover type maneuver. So he's going to try to roll off of Kelsey and get out of the way of this bullet.

Okay, he got a good success, so just go ahead and roll your damage, I guess. All right. And this character. We just need his key, right? Yeah. We already have his key. We can fight. Oh, well, even better then. I was going to let Drudy talk.

Seems like that would have, yeah, you know, Trudy gets a little, seems like it'd be, you know, artistically better if, you know, Trudy got to kill him. I don't even want to talk to Tucker. I want to talk to Timmy. Oh, okay. Sorry, I got to see how much, did we agree that it was like a rifle? How about we try to find evidence that somebody has survived a bullet to the head? Yeah, instead of trying to figure out how much damage this does, how many dice it rolls.

How about you just do a quick little Google search for how many people survived? I bet more than you'd think. Yeah, but probably a lot less overall percentage-wise. Has anyone ever survived a point-blank rifle shot to the side of the head? 2D6 plus 4. 2D6 plus 4! Let me see what ChatGPT has to say as well. It doesn't have a single example. It just says, yeah, probably. AI, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks so much! Honestly, fucking thank you. And...

Just so we're all on the same page, nothing up my sleeve, Tucker at present has 14 HP. Oh, you could end him right now, baby. Give me them box cars, dog. We got a splatter effect. No, I got 11. Ooh.

So he's got three of the health left. That's like another kick in the face. That's just one normal kick from my boots. When you raise your gun and level it at Tuck's head, you feel something weird. You feel a hot breath on the back of your neck. Guys, I think I just got my first erection. And you also smell a faint perfume in the air.

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But what does happen to his head? How does that work? How does it explain? That's exactly right. Is he drinking from a straw right now? Like, what's happening? You're at the side of his head. Yeah, I think basically what I would say is that you've blown the front of his face off. Oh, man. I took his face off.

I think probably you stuck it on his head, like in his temple. And then he moved at the last second. And now you're at the bridge of his nose and his eye. He's lost his eyes and his nose. I will say from this shot. Yeah. And one of his sinuses. So those, those sinus issues that have been plaguing him for years. Say goodbye. Oh, everyone give me a constitution roll. Yeah. Second amendment. Motherfucker. Yeah.

That's where I'll give you the rule right now. It's number two. A well-regulated militia being necessary for the security. You know what I'm saying? That's what Francis is doing. He's got a constitutional rule right here, baby. I failed. Okay, you failed. Good success. Good success. I failed. You failed. I got a seven deep.

but I got a 87. Okay, yes. But do I get a little bit of help? I've seen things. You did. So this is not our sanity roll, which we will do in our second. The constitution roll is to see if any of you are fucking deafened by being point blank with a car 98 when it goes off inside a room. Kelsey's used to little fucking students yapping all day, so there's nothing to her. Really?

Kelsey, the one closest to the action of the gun going off manages to plug your ears at the last second. All right. The rest of you are deafened for two rounds. And now everybody give me a sanity roll. 63. Passed. Pass. Pass. Fail. Fail.

Oh, that was fail. That was fail? Pretty bad fail. What's like bad? Is there crit bad? What's bad? 100 is bad. Okay, 98's not crit bad. Oh, 98's pretty bad though. Is crit... 98! Let's look at what is technically a fumble.

96 plus is a fun ball. Oh no. Because you fumbled your roll. And this makes sense. You're point blank range with a man who just got his face blown off. Yeah. You take max sanity loss, which we're going to say is a 1d6 in this. So you're going to lose six sanity, which means you are also going to be temporarily insane. Matthew. Oh no. The blood rage.

We'll deal with that in a second. I'm down to 38 sanity because you lose that sanity, right? No, no. So here we've been doing this wrong. What? What? There's temporary insanity loss. Oh, and permanent. And permanent. So you lose six, but you do not lose six max sanity. This is temporary insanity. Oh.

Okay. Hey, hold on. What else are we getting wrong? Don't answer that. Don't answer that. If you're listening, just shut the fuck up. No, you know what? If you're listening, reach out. Let me know. I want to know. I want to get a... You want to know? Yeah, because you guys are fucking running circles around me. I need a fucking advantage. I can get over here. Yeah, reach out at gofuckyourselfatdaddies.com.

All right. To be fair, if you email gofuckyourselfatdaddies.com, you're probably going to get a response. You might get something back. You better be careful with that one. Okay. Trudy, give me a 1D6 roll. This does make sense since you were the closest and this guy was your husband. Yeah. Notice how Will's already speaking about him in the past tense. Two. I don't even care.

hair. Wow, dang, ice cold. Alright, so two sanity loss for you. Matt, let's go ahead and see what happens to Matthew. Wait, in this system? Because it's the 1920s. If I'm a woman and I'm insane, can a man just slap me sensitively?

It's the 1950s. Oh, so definitely that. Sanity rules. Okay. Oh, give me an intelligence roll. Oh, that's a 70. Is my intelligence? I rolled a 37. So you succeeded? Yes. That's bad. Yeah, you want to fail. You want to not understand what just happened. So you do understand what just happened. Can I roll again? No.

Because Matt didn't understand what just happened. Matt failed his indulgence roll, but Kelsey unfortunately passed it. Roll a D10 now.

That means you are going to have a bout of madness for the next three rounds. So what do you feel like? What's crazy? So yes, you've just seen the most shocking, gruesome thing you've ever seen straight in your face. Tucker is screaming like, you can hear like blood choking on him. Like there's eye goo mixed with snot mixed with blood smeared all over your face for the next three rounds. What is the one thing Kelsey can think of that she wants to go do?

Do this. So I think. It could just be to run away. Matt, was that you getting into character? So I think what's happened is. Chewing things, eh? This is a wrench I didn't see thrown in the trash.

thrown into my works. When they got the uniform from her brother from the war, it was fucked up all over the collar and stuff. They never said exactly what happened to him. She doesn't need something to happen. I think she's always kind of kept that down. She knew her brother died in the war, but seeing this for the first time, I think all she can imagine is this is what happened to her brother's face. I think she sees her brother's head exploding. So in terms of what she wants to do... Wait, what? What? So she wants to do her brother? No!

Get him, Baffy. I think all she wants to do is cry and think about her brother. And just to be clear, the U.S. military, someone was just like packing up this casket and be like, yo, this is fucked up. Hey, you think this would be cool to send to his sister? Whatever. It's all his belongings.

all his belongings yeah it's not like there's like a bunch of blood on it it's just like it's been in war clearly yeah yeah I love that so you basically are gonna go catatonic and just break down on the spot yeah what she wants to do she wants to talk to her brother which is obviously impossible so yeah I think she's mumbling she's just like mumbling his name or something what is his name John John her brother so she's

And she's just crying. Kelsey has gone into shock on the ground. It's now Tucker's turn. Boy, Francis. Good shot. Thank you. Tucker is going to get up and stumble around for a second as he's clutching at his face. Tucker's also going to have to make a sanity roll. Dude, this is the worst possible sanity roll because...

As a child, right, you're tormented with the possibility that someone else could come and take your nose, right? And now, now, his hand going up to where his face is, all of a sudden, the worst nightmares since you were an infant have come true. What kind of bonus dice might that be? Yeah, I mean, this is basically an extreme sanity roll to keep your wits about you after you've gotten your face blown off, which he fails.

He's feeling in his face for a second. He screams in pain and he's writhing around. He doesn't know what's going on. He just starts going berserk and he's going to grab the 357 Magnum, which he had tucked in his back pocket. And he's just going to start firing blindly in a panic around him. That makes sense. Everybody give me a luck roll. Is his hands all slippery because it's bloody though? It's not going to be a good shot, but I want to know if he's aiming at any one of you. Luckily, he's not aiming at me. Okay.

My luck is 79. I rolled a 44. Okay, you passed. Trudy failed. What was the fumble again? Oh, no. Oh, no. 96. Okay, I got 95. Ooh. Pretty bad. All right. Hey, hey. A fail's a fail. Unless it's a fumble. So my fail's just about as best fail. It doesn't matter how big the number is. It's just a fail.

I didn't fumble. I failed. If you had fumbled, he would have shot you without having to do any other rolling. Definitely he's aiming at you when he fires the gun. But Beth failed too. Huh? You line her. It's just a fail. It's just a fail. They're all the same. I play by the rules. Success, super success, and super-difficult success. Fumble and fail. We have Beth got the same. We both failed. And then you flip a coin to see where the gun's at.

I don't know. I think you're succumbing to some black and white thinking. All right. Beth, call it high or low? Low. Oh, he shot Kelsey. Oh, no. And now she's hearing more gunfire. So, yes, his gun goes off. All right. We're going to give him just a straight attack roll. Okay. And then if he hits you, he hits you. Okay.

He got an 82. That's bad. That's bad. Yay. A bullet whizzes right past your ear and sticks into the ground next to you. But not that close. You're even more convinced that you're holding the mangled body of your brother at Guadalcanal where he was killed. Dang, Pacific. He died on the best map of 1942. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Yeah, he died when somebody put a bunch of proximity mines under a jeep and launched it across the island. That's the fucking best map in a video game, dude. It must suck if your grandma died in literally the best map of a video game. We

We were talking about that the other day, how crazy it is to be like, I'm sitting here playing Hell Let Loose. Yo, what's your favorite Normandy level? No, that's crazy. That's crazy, right? That's crazy because the idea that like the amphibious assault Normandy was like a horrific day for so many people. But for us, I'm so psyched when that map comes up in the World War II game. I'm like, yeah, dude. The beach at Normandy, that's going to be sick.

Could you imagine dodging? You know you're dodging bullets, baby. Could you imagine talking to a World War II vet and being like, that place where you saw guys blown apart the worst day of your life is the best day of my gaming session. It's not even worth bringing Proxmines in that level. It's not even worth it, dude. I'm going to go pro.

prone in the shallows and snipe at German heads. And it's like, was this what it was like? Why didn't you just go prone and snipe Germans, Grandpa? Okay, sorry. Trudy, it is your turn. Yay. Okay, so Trudy looks at the unconscious Timmy and the faceless Tucker and the absolutely out of it Kelsey and

She realizes it's all a little bit above her pay grade. So she pulls out the spell book that she has. Oh, I think Kelsey has it, but we'll say you're holding it for Kelsey. I thought I had it because it was in my thing. I get one free spell. Never mind. I pull out my deck of cards. The deck of cards, yeah. And I draw one. Okay. So give me a sanity roll. Okay. Truthy, we're kind of winning the fight.

We shot the main bad guy. Well, I just didn't know what to do. Also, as far as you're concerned, she's just pulling a card out. That's true. Trudy, now is not the time for P-Knuckle. Just let me cook. The whole point was for you to stop doing that. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I got a 14. You got a 14? Okay, great. So you pass. You're able to withstand the evil auras of this thing as you draw a card out of it. So remind everybody, this was the deck that Moth Jesus gave her that was written by a madman centuries ago that has 666 strange cards with eerie omens on them. That's a thick deck. It's a thick deck, dude. Ah, but very thin cards. Extreme wafer-thin cards. How freaky. The tasteful thinness of it.

It's basically like a tarot deck. It's like you draw a card and there's a prophecy of the future being relayed to you and the meaning of these cards. So what you see in the card, Trudy, is a beautiful young woman looking in a mirror, brushing her hair. In the reflection of the mirror, not her reflection, but behind her, there's the rotting skeleton of another young woman. And it's kind of like a grisly memento mori kind of thing. And the card says, death in the mirror. Okay. I'm looking in the mirror.

Give me a spot hidden roll. And we'll say with advantage because of the card. Thanks for the advantage. Yeah, okay, okay. I got a 14 again. Okay, so in the hallway mirror, you catch in your eye

A figure rising behind you. It is your figure, but with an exploded head reaching out to wrap its hands around your throat. And what you realize is that the robotic body of New Trudy has risen from the grave and is coming to grab you. That's too bad. So normally that would be an ambush, but because you drew the deck, we'll say the deck was your action, but you can use a move action or you can do whatever to get out of its way or whatever you want to do now. I'm going to try to scurry around the

her so like dodge her I want to pull out one of her wires and dip it in Tucker's blood and cause a short circuit and also electrocute Tucker that's gonna be a multi move yeah why don't we say you can get behind her now okay and then we can take it from there to figure it out give me a stealth roll to sneak behind her without her hearing you she can't see you right now because her head's been blown up but she has her other senses okay

Oh, fuck. All right, I fail. In that case, as you are trying to creep around behind her, you see her sort of exploded head and her body just sort of twist and lock back on you. Okay.

It's now her turn. So she is going to lunge at you. She's going to try to grab you and pin you against the wall. Do you want to dodge? Do you want to fight back? I'm going to fight back. Okay, great. Is her head like near me? Yeah, she's coming straight at you. And yeah, it's like her head is split open and kind of hanging on your side. Oh, I thought her head was removed from her. No, no, no, no, no. It's like it's just blown up, but still attached to her body. I'm just going to try to disconnect her head from her body. You're just going to try to wrench it off? Yeah. Okay, great. We'll do a fighting brawl and then a strength roll to see if you can pull the head off.

80. I'm going to push my roll. Ooh, I like that. Push the roll. 89.

Okay, she also failed her attack. So she basically is able to grab you and clot you, but she isn't able to hold on to you. Meanwhile, you go for her head, but as you wrap your fingers around her neck, she's sparking like crazy and her head is scalding hot from all of these sort of electric circuit fire going on in there. So you're gonna burn your hands when you do that. I should have brought my oven mitts. We'll call it a 1d4 damage.

Two. Great. Oh, and then as you are doing that, you feel a psychic presence.

emanating from beneath you, deep down in like the area of the basement. It's a familiar feeling. You realize it's the brain of the original Trudy trapped in that jar down there. You remember psychically linked with you and she sounds far away. Like she's trying to make a connection to you. She's trying to tell you something, but you can only hear one part of what she's saying is this wave of anxiety because she knows that Timmy's in trouble up there. She's hearing gunshots and screaming and she's feeling out for you. She's reaching out to you and you hear her say,

Call her! Color? Gotta add some color. Add some color. Add some color. Call her. Who knows what she's saying. Back to the top of the turn order. It's Little Tuck. Little Tuck is going to lunge at Francis again, having missed his quarry last time. He's going to slither up to you and try to take a bite out of your leg, Francis. Sounds good to me. What do you want to do in response? I'd like to dodge again, please. Give me a roll.

13. Yeah, you effortlessly dodges this writhing snake robot boy snaps at your feet. It is now Blake's turn. Now here's the question. Can I fling this dog with the hopes that it'll latch on? How tight is it locked in? Give me a strength roll to break free of the dog.

91. I'm going to have a 75. Okay, so no, you're not able to, unless you want to burn a lot of luck, you're not able to wrench free from the dog. I hope I can push this roll. Yes, you can. What are you going to do that's more hardcore to get this thing off of there? So the first thing I do is I flex my jaw, and it doesn't work. Yeah. Clearly. So then the next thing I'm going to do is I'm going to use my hands to remove this animal from my jaw. What a genius. What a genius.

Strategic master. Give me the roll. Fucking ape figuring out how to use his hands for the first time. I have thumbs and they look they're opposite of each other. Wait, this means I can grab things. Seven.

Oh, wow. That is a super duper success. Fucking sick. Perhaps I should be using my hands more often. This seems to be, as a plumber. How are you locksmithing? You just kick the door down? I'm just saying, my first instinct was wrong. It was to flex my beautiful jawline. Describe to me how you rip him off of your... My fingers interweave between...

the teeth of the dog. Freddie, it's just beautiful that you evolved from fast-talking jaw man, Tony Collette, into a finger man. Slow-moving finger man. Yes. A deep-thinking finger man. Deep-thinking finger man. Deep-fingering thinking man. Deep-fingering thinking man.

Ladies, would you either have a deep thinking finger man or a deep fingering thinking man? I choose the bear. And I want to pry its jaws back like an alligator. I guess it's very difficult to do that, but not for me. Okay, so yes.

Blake Lively, no stranger to ripping a dog's jaw open. Pulse this dog off of him. I want to throw it at Tucker. Yeah, great. You can do that, but you can't move. No, no, no. I'm throwing this electrical bomb. Okay, throw it at Tucker then. Give me a throw roll. What do you have for throw? Careful. Watch out for Timmy. 20% on throw. All right. Fucking do it. I'm going to throw it hard, though. Okay. Just to be clear. Great. So even though a failure is kind of a success. Okay.

Strength roll. Hey, Matt, what's the fumble roll? The 96 or above. Okay, so that's, okay, 99. Oh, great. Okay. Oh, no. Freddy, Matt, high or low? Wait, what? Matt, by me, what happened to me? High or low? High or low? High or low? Okay. Why am I involved? I'm just sad about my brother. What's happening? What happened?

What happened to me? You're the closest one to him. So I was going to say he either fucks this up in a way that hurts him or that fucks up in a way that hurts you. And luckily I rolled a one. So it's going to fuck it up in a way that hurts Freddie. So I'm very hurt. Here's what we'll say, Freddie, to throw the dog. You do like one of those like discus spins because you said you want to throw it really hard. But then we throw it. You spin so hard that you actually slam the dog into the newel post on the side of the fucking stairs. And his jaw now slams shut again on your arm.

So give me a 1d6 damage. Fucking hell, five. All right, so that's five. Jesus. How much health do you have left? I'm currently at 13. I'm down to like eight. Okay. Damn. All right, it's now- Damn, that's almost half my health in just a single combat. Damn. Damn. Damn, this system really pulls no punches, huh? Shit. So doodles- This ain't like season one and two.

Golly! Boy, boy, new year, new system. Okay, Doodles is... Boy, that's smart! Doodles is going to electrocute you now. What? Doodles is turning and he's back on your arm. You see blue sparks zip off of his body. Oh, I held my turn and I never did it, huh? Huh? Yeah, too bad. John, John, John! Okay, there. Um...

The surge of electricity blasts through his body, through his teeth, into the flesh of your arm. We're going to roll a 1d8. That's a 6. What? Oh, my God. I've already taken damage off of him. Yeah, but that was on your turn. That was on your turn. It's now Droodles' turn. Oh, my God. It's not going to take damage on your own turn, because when the bad guy's turn happens, you still take damage.

What the fuck is this system? Give me a new character sheet. Give me a constitution saving throw. Constitution 74. I'll burn for luck to get to a 70. Okay, good. Otherwise you would have passed out for 1d6 rounds. Okay, so that puts me down at two health. You're at two health. Jesus. Maybe hold off on the fan art, guys. Maybe you don't have to worry about that so much. Yeah, hey, put down

the Prisma colors. Jesus, you might not by the time this is done. Good Lord. We're getting really hurt after we already blew a guy's head off. Like, I feel like we're having a hard time with this combat. We're eating a lot. We gotta get out of here, guys. Hey, real quick, real quick. What's your max HP? 14. Okay, so yeah, you do not fall unconscious. Hey, hey, real quick. Player huddle? Player huddle? I said we just grab Timmy and get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Timmy doesn't sound a lot like my brother John, and that's all I'm interested in. That's fair. And player huddle. You said player huddle.

player cuddle player cuddle oh my god can we have a player cuddle Will's not invited oh Freddie so Kelsey stop it stop tickling me Freddie see now we all think we're cuddling yeah a little theater of the mind going on my hand's between these two pillows

And sparks shoot out of Blake's hand and he rides around, but manages to hold on to consciousness. You see the lights flicker. And for a second, you think it has something to do with the electricity. I'm like, that doesn't make sense. The dog's not plugged into the wall. It's a pretty high level understanding of the power grid. Well, you guys are all very smart, so you realize that can't be it. And then all of a sudden, the lights explode and you see standing outside the window, a sunburned man.

in a dark suit staring at you with watery eyes and he looks straight at you, Trudy, and you hear him say, wake up!

Little sister. You feel a chill down your spine. And as you're grappling with this exploded version of yourself, out of the corner of your eye, you see this figure you remember from original Trudy's memories. You see the fifth sister, who you'll remember is this repressed part of your subconscious, the part of you that wants to stay with Tucker, that wants to stay with you.

regrets running away and regrets changing your life. There's the part of you that showed up and that stopped Trudy from originally being able to leave. This sort of monstrous part of her that she's got bottled up inside and she's had to suppress to escape. You see this...

hideous version of yourself covered in oily makeup with a dirty cocktail dress and jagged fingernails poking out of dishwashing gloves and she locks eyes with you and she starts walking towards you as you're scuffling in this melee the rest of you do not see this you see relish wet but you do not see this other person walking towards trudy however kelsey yes in that moment you you

from Zuzel inside you. Pure fucking terror and seeing Relish wet. Just this absolute utter dread at seeing the emissary of the powers that be. Was that? That's because he's screaming. No, that was a crow outside. As you see this figure who just mysteriously appeared in this room, you feel Zuzel panicked inside of you and Zuzel

Zuzel scared. Yeah, it's not you. Zuzel scared. It's not Zuzel screaming. Okay, so yes. Zuzel goes, ah!

And then you feel, this is weird, you feel him grab your mind. Like, not your brain, but your mind. Okay. And he pulls your mind back. And all of a sudden, you find yourself getting yanked through space and time. That's mine. That's my favorite part of me. Give it back. Reality stretches and warps around you in this way that's completely incomprehensible to you. It's like you're turning at a right angle to time itself. Give me a sanity roll. What's the doctor's name going? What am I doing? Give me a sanity roll.

Wait. Wait. No, that didn't happen. I failed. 57. Okay, give me a 1D6 for this. Oh, 1D6. I got a 1. Okay, you got a 1. Okay, so you take another. You're already flipping your lid. Yeah, I'm already flipping my lid. You feel yourself get pulled through space and time, and when you open your eyes, you are sitting at your kitchen table back in Florida is where you lived before you moved to Peachyville, right? Yes. You're sitting at your kitchen table, and you hear the voice of John, your brother. Yeah.

And John is sitting in his brand spanking new officer's uniform, playfully teasing you at the kitchen table as he reads your favorite book, which I think was The Velveteen Rabbit, we said? Yeah, I like that. As a kid. Oh, man. That's so sad. And he's reading your book out loud to you. Okay, I know. Which was your memory of the thing that you said last time. That was my favorite book when I was a kid, John. Okay? I know, I know. Okay.

Well, you're still a kid to me, okay? You're still my kid sister, so listen up. Let's see what kind of trouble this rabbit got into. And for a second, you're not quite sure if you've just fully snapped and you're just reliving some delusional memory, but then you hear Zuzel speak to you in your mind. He says, remember?

Remain calm. I've brought you back in time just for a moment to hide from the powers that be and their emissary. You can't go, John. You can't go. What are you talking about, sis? You die. And I grab John and I just start hugging him like, you can't go to war. You can't go to... Well, sis, I got to. I got drafted. That's how it works.

I gotta go fight. What are you talking about? There's places we can go. You can't. Mom, Dad, you can't let him go. Now, honey, I know this is painful for you, your mom says. Oh my God, I was saying nobody's fucking leaving. Nobody's fucking leaving. I don't think you had a gun on you.

Can you pervade in? Do a constitution roll. Second Amendment, mother! Honey, I know it's scary, but John has got to go do his patriotic duty. We're all very proud of him, okay? Yeah, sister, just don't worry. I'm going to be fine. It's going to be okay. The war's going to be over before Christmas, and I'll be back home giving you the business and making fun of you, and you'll be giving me hell, and I'll be just like I was. Don't worry about it.

It's all going to be a waste. There's so much more you can, you're not going to be able to give anything. You're gone. Kelsey, you know, your brother died on September 17th when his platoon got slaughtered in an ambush at Edson's Ridge on Guadalcanal. When General Vandegrave. Was that Derek Caffey point CRB? Sorry.

Those you not gamers in the middle of tapping C or B to control points on the battlefield map so count doesn't win the fucking

Game one. Tickets, goddammit! Tickets! Okay, sorry, sorry. So yes, you know that on September 17th, this platoon got slaughtered in an ambush at Edson's Ridge on Guadalcanal when his commanding officer, General Vandegrift, ordered the 1st Marine Regiment to pursue retreating Japanese forces.

You can convey all that to your brother if you want to in this moment before you go back. Yeah, I try to. I say, you don't understand. I'm not crazy. This is, I'm not me. This is me from a long time ago. I know this. September 17th, you're forced to attack retreating Japanese. They were already retreating, but they sent you in there anyways and you fell into an ambush. And after that, I...

No, I'm the one that has to go to your school and I tell all your students and I can't and I break down in front of them. And mom, dad, you don't understand. That's how it happens. This is not something I'm fearing. This is something that happens. We can stop it because I know it happens. We will leave you right there. You're going to leave him in a time conundrum, dude?

And there'll be a thing called Bitcoin. You gotta hold. You gotta hold. People say it's crazy, but it's gonna hit 100,000. It's gonna hit 100,000. Time in hands, my brother. Don't buy that pizza with it. Okay. We will come back to that on your turn, Matt. It is Francis's turn.

Okay. You got a snake boy biting at your feet. Tucker is still flailing around with his 357. Trudy is being accosted by a headless version of herself. And there's still a robot dog shocking the absolute bejesus out of Blake right now. I think I'm grabbing the kid and running. You're going to grab Timmy. Great. Give me a strength check. Three. Three.

I am hot tonight. He's rolling hot, baby. I am hot tonight. Hold on, Anthony. Hold on. Hello? Is this the Bellagio? Hold the tables at the crowd table. We're coming over right now, baby. You do one of those cool action roles where the firemen like scoop up the guy by rolling over him. Have you seen that? Yes.

God, I've always wanted to do that. And now you've got Timmy over your shoulders. I'll say your movement is halved now. Okay. But you can go ahead and start moving towards the door. It'll probably take you two rounds to get clear of the house. That's what I'm doing. Nice. All right. Timmy's in play. It is now Tucker's turn. We'll give him a disadvantaged listen roll to see if he can hear you making a break for it with his son.

Tucker does not hear you running away with his son, so he is going to stumble towards where he thinks his son was, and he staggers over there and grabs at the floor and realizes that he's not there. And you hear him go, Teddy!

to me! Oh, God! He's just sort of flailing around. Blood is spraying everywhere as he is trying to get a sense of what happened to his son. Where have you taken me, you bitch? It's now Trudy's turn. You hear once more the psychic presence of the original Trudy below you, and you hear her reaching out to you, and it seems like she's able to expand her voice and get a little closer to you, and you hear her repeat what she says, and she says...

collarbone collarbone collarbone collarbone what does that mean what does that mean what um trudy i can't say anything you don't know i don't know you don't know any of this is going on blake if i were to say collarbone to you what would that mean to you do you have a good understanding of where the moles are on your body i think freddie you mean do you have it yes i i press the mole on

mole on my collarbone. Okay. You shit yourself. Got him. God damn it. You feel it's like this part of you has opened up like an antenna, like a receiver, like some sort of psychic receivers opened in you and you feel this connection with original Trudy below you get much, much stronger. All of a sudden her voice is coming crystal clear and she says, not yours, hers. Okay. And you get the sense that she is pointing to the headless version of Trudy that is trying to strangle you. I

I take out my long manicured sharp nails and I shove them into the mole and other Trudy's collarbone. Sick. As you do that, you feel this psychic rush as the original Trudy, her presence sort of blasts through you and you're

into the broken wreck of this new version of Trudy and sort of takes control of it. And you realize that now she's established a link with this robotic husk and the original Trudy is now piloting this headless robot body. And she's going to go next, but we'll let you do one more thing. I'll,

I'll say also Kelsey is just sort of standing catatonic in the middle of the room. Her eyes are kind of glazed over. All right. I go to Kelsey. I try to pick her up. Okay. Off the floor. Give me a strength roll. She's a robot. She's strong, right? I think this is whatever your strength roll is.

I pass. Okay, great. You describe to me how you're carrying her. I pick up Kelsey and hoist her over my shoulders like a big rack of meat. Like a big Flintstones rib. Yeah. That's the first time Kelsey's been called big rack of meat, if you know what I mean.

And I follow Francis and Timmy. Terrific. It is now original Trudy's turn in new Trudy's robot body. She is going to go for Tucker. It's kind of like at the end of The Killer when they're both blind and they're trying to find each other. Oh, God. The saddest thing that's ever happened. Yeah.

Oh, sick. She passed probably because she hears Tucker's voice screaming the name of his son. She's able to find him and find his voice in all of that. And she's going to stagger towards him. Her arms outstretched. Tucker cannot see her. So she's going to make an attack on Tucker as well. We'll say the first thing she wants to do is get a handle on him. So she's going to make a fighting maneuver against Tucker. And then he is going to dodge.

And he is just able to dodge out of her way. He steps aside right as she staggers past him. It is now the fifth sister's turn. So as you are stumbling towards the door, it takes you right past the fifth sister who sees you fleeing the house. She looks at you and says,

We're not leaving. You're never leaving again. We have to stay. We have to fix it. We have to take them all back. We have to fix this family, Trudy. Where are you going? And she is going to try to stop you from leaving by grabbing at your legs. She dives at your legs to try to keep you in place. Give me, what do you want to do? Do you want to dodge? You're trying to fight back. What's your plan? I'm trying to dodge. Okay. Give me a dodge with a penalty dice because you're carrying Kelsey. Okay. Okay.

I got a 78. Push it. She rolled a six, so she is going to... Yikes. You feel her fingernails sort of sink into your shins. She's just able to just dig in, and all of a sudden, it's like your legs have just stopped. It goes beyond the physical. She's got some sort of psychic hold. Like, these are almost her legs, too, as she grabs on and holds on tight. She says, you're not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere. We're not

going anywhere. It is Little Tuck's turn. Little Tuck's going to take another bite of Francis. I am going to dodge again. Give me a roll.

Ooh, 88. Not good. Not good. All right. He got a 26, so he is going to bite you. As he bites you, you see that his teeth have little syringes in them. Cool. Oh, no. So you feel these needles sink into your leg. You're going to take six damage. All right. I have two left. God. Okay. You have eight health? Mm-hmm. He's a kid. Oh, he's a shrimpy boy. Give me a constitution saving throw. This will be a hard constitution saving throw.

15. I pass, thankfully. Oh, okay, great. That is extremely good for you. Oh, so I don't have an injury or whatever that would... Oh, no, it's like a snake. He bites you and then tries to inject you with venom. Oh. Your constitution saving throw, you feel this sort of hot liquid coursing into your leg, but you're able to stave off its effects. Fantastic. By flexing your quads. By flexing your powerful calves. Blake, it's your turn.

All right. So dog is still on me. I was like, ugh, shit dog. You're the first person to ever use that as like a slang in America. Yeah, I just want to do the exact same thing I did last time. You're just going to wrench him off? I'm going to wrench him off and throw him a Tucker. Okay, great. Give me strength roll.

74 out of 75. Barely. You pop them off once again. Shit, dog. Are you going to throw? Eat this. And I'm going to throw it at Tucker. Give me a throw roll. My throw was so shitty. Hold on, let me think about this. Let me see how I can weasel out of the fact that I built. I'm not going to throw it. How close is Tucker? Can I place it? No, he's throw range. You can't place it on him.

Can I use my move action? Sure. You can move up to him if you want to move up to him and hit him with the dog. I'll let you do that. I want to move up to him and then place the dog on him. Oh, like to get him to bite Tucker? Yeah, yeah. Because it's like once I've wrenched the jaws open, the jaws are like... I like this. It's like a chip clip. Yes. You know? Ha ha ha!

Like, it's the chip clip hungers for another bag of chips to keep sealed. Roll Tucker up into a little... Yeah, I got to roll Tucker up into a little... Oh, you know, this is very good because originally I would be like, well, he knows the side of his master's face, but you blew his face off. That's true. So, yes, you can use him like a chip clip to stick onto Tucker if you would like to do that. That is very fun. That's going to be a melee attack.

Tucker does hear you coming, though, so he is going to... His senses are... Wait, wait, but was he deafened by the blast? True, true, true, true, true, true. Check it, dog. Run it back. Run them dice back, dog. Was he deafened like we were? So actually, yes. No, he does not hear you coming. So that means you're going to basically get to do this to him.

him. Yes. We'll count this as him doing nothing, which means you slam the dog. I'd like to clamp this dog around his balls. Okay. The dog is straining to bite, so it's already spring loaded. I'm going to clamp this around the protuberance around his groin. Wow. AKA his balls. You managed to stick the dog on him and it's holding tight onto him. His balls. All right. You're going to have to do a hard roll to target his balls. It's quite flaccid at the moment. No, I won't target his balls.

Crestfallen Freddy. I'm just going to clamp it onto the most available part of his body. It's his balls. Which might be his balls. Okay, great. DM's choice. He has like three health left, so we are going to have him do his D6 of damage. Kill him. He got a one. So that sinks in to his master's leg, and Tucker screams out in pain. Screams.

So mission accomplished. The dog is now on his leg. It is now Doodles' turn. Tucker feels this bite, knows what's happening. We'll let him say, Doodles! Because it is like his dog, but his voice is fucked up. We're going to give him an intimidate roll. Oh my God. This is just like an airbud when the clown guy has the newspaper and he's just like...

Like with the newspaper and Air Bud's like, I don't want to go to that guy. So there. So Tucker fumbled his intimidate role. Yeah, and Air Bud goes to the little boy. That's what happens in Air Bud. The dog is not convinced. He flubbed it so hard he thinks this is someone trying to impersonate his master. So he's all the more like, we'll never listen to anything he says. So he's going to roll his electrocution. Okay, so he got a six. Yeah, baby! Man's best friend.

So, yes. And as Kelsey always says, if you fry your friend, that will be the end of him. Did nobody learn how to spell friend that way? No. Say that again? If you fry your friend, that will be the end of him. Oh, okay. Fry. Fry.

electricity arcs through tucker's entire body and he flails around let's give one more luck roll to see if the just to make things easier for him maybe no no no this is not to make things easier he's definitely gonna go unconscious but we will say that as he's flaying around his finger curls around that trigger of that 357 magnum one more time so everybody give me a luck roll even kelsey even kelsey

I got a one. Hey. A one? A one. I got a one. I got a four. Okay, great. Well, Devlin doesn't hit you. I failed. We'll say your super luck means it also doesn't hit her because she's carrying you. And I bought Bitcoin. And you bought Bitcoin.

But unluckily, you decided to sell one. It was $30. You bought a pizza with it. Francis, what'd you get? I got a 19, so I succeeded. Okay. I got four. I succeeded. Wow. Okay. Can you roll a luck for new Trudy, for Trudy Prime? Neo Trudy. Neo Trudy. Neo Trudy.

Succeeds. Okay, great. So this gun just goes off into the air. Our skylight! Do they have skylights back? What about the solarium? Does that roll luck? No, the solarium! This ficus! The ficus fails its luck roll and gets one right in the pot. Man, that was dry as shit anyway. Drag that ficus.

Get his ass. Dry ass. Ficus in there. So that was Tucker's turn. And then yes, Tucker crumples into a heap on the ground. He's now dying and unconscious. Trudy, it is your turn. Trudy, I'm sorry. I've killed your husband. That's okay. If anything, I get credit for that. Just throw that out there. Ah, but I have finished the blow. He's dying. Not dead yet. I'll put that out there. Hold on. Hold on. You can finish him off. He's still here. Who wants to do the last rites? The fifth sister is digging her hands into your legs and you find yourself unable to move. I would like to.

to try to talk to the fifth sister. Okay, great. Go for it. My friend Kelsey, her favorite book is The Velveteen Rabbit. And, uh,

In the book, it says real isn't how you're made. It's something that happens to you. And I think that family is the same way. And I think we can't fix this family, the one that you want to fix. I think that family is just who you want to be around the table with and who you're not afraid of. If we can't fix this, then I've failed. If we're not a mother and we're not a wife, then what are we? What are we? We're...

Human. We're people. We're women. We're, you know. Women be women. Yeah. Yeah. Women can be women and they don't have to be anything. Give me a, I feel psychology is not bad. What do you, what's. Psychology seems, yeah. Okay. Give me a bonus die on that because that's good. Okay.

If I tie it, does it... Yes. Okay. Tie goes to the runner. Yay. I tied it 40. New Trudy looks at you for a second and is kind of taken aback by what you just said. Her grip loosens and you could step out of it if you wanted to. Trudy, if you define yourself by the people around you, what's left? What's left? So just let go. And Trudy steps out. Okay. She lets go. I'm going to...

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Great. So you walk over to Tucker. He's on the ground. This dog has finished electrocuting him. New Trudy is staggering around next to you. He's unconscious with blood spurting out of his face, but he is still technically alive. He will die if you don't do anything, or you could do something if you want.

No, that's okay, honey. I'll tell you about my day. Um, I got to hang around with my friends and I, um, did a little shopping, taught some Sasquatches how to talk and, um, we invented Bitcoin, so...

That's what I did. But the best part of my day was not having to see you anymore. Goodbye. Her hand slides tenderly over his neck like it has so many times before for an evening peck on the lips. But this time, the pointed nails...

so smooth and red, puncture his carotid artery, and he bleeds out, and she doesn't even stay to watch it happen. You gripped it and ripped it? Gripped it. Fuck yeah. And then ripped it. It is now New Trudy's turn. New Trudy kind of senses that this has happened because she can feel your presence, and she just stops. You see her sort of torso turn towards you, and she just reaches a hand out to help you up to your feet. I take the hand. And she...

lifts you up and then she just hugs you and you can feel her mind reach out to you and say thank you and now it is going to be the fifth sister's turn but at seeing all of this happen she just vanishes back into your subconscious which brings us I'm out everybody we're cool right I'm good I'm out that'll bring us back to little tuck who sees you slit his throat and now little tuck's gonna come straight for you and make an attack roll on you I'm gonna dodge okay give me a dodge roll

I failed. He hit, so he is going to latch onto you. Okay, so he does nine damage to you. What? I am out of hit points. I am at zero. You're unconscious? I'm unconscious. I drop down, too, I guess. Okay. Oh, shit. All right, so you crumble to the ground. Well, actually, no, New Trudy is holding you mid-hug. So you do not fall over, but you are unconscious. Unconscious. And technically dying? Yeah.

Blake, it's your turn. We could take her to the Bigfoots and have their Bigfoot doctors heal her. No, we flooded. We flooded. No, you didn't. You didn't. Amy Adams stopped the flooding when she crashed into the pipe. By the time we get there, it's been like a billion years. Yes, but regardless. Their technology will be so advanced. You're right. Let's go back. Oh, my God. This podcast has the chance to do the funniest thing ever. Freddie, what do you want to do? A little battle report. Trudy's house. What?

We have one unconscious real Trudy. We have one still conscious fucked up Trudy. Yes. But the new Trudy. Headless robot Trudy is awesome. Headless robot Trudy is good. Could there be part swaps to fix old Trudy? Don't know yet. Blake Lively's thinking about that. Ambiguous situation right now. Ambiguous, ambiguous. Kelsey Catatonic. Yeah, I'm in my own dream land trying to convince my brother to go to one that he's definitely going to go to still. Francis. Francis is not looking amazing, but he's okay. On the way out with the kid. With the kid. Mission accomplished there.

Interesting thought here. Question. What if I puppeteer the body of this Tucker and I say, You listen to me, young man! You let go of your mother right now! Give him my... Give him...

Just kind of what might that be? What might that look like, DM? You sound just like him. So what on your character sheet would you like to roll for that? Let's start there. So you're saying you want to go over to Tucker, sit him up and then have him say, like, listen to me, knock it off. Yeah. And I would roll law. I want to take the little yippy dog and reposition him over Tucker's heart.

so that the electrical shock from this little robot will kick his heart up into gear and cause him to flail about. Well, that won't save him. God. That would be so unfortunate if it saved him. No, he's dead. What the fuck? What are you doing? What are you doing? He's bleeding out. He's got no heart. Fucking hear me. But as we established in our opening, a body's heart can keep pumping water

well after the body itself. And look, it's pumping it all in the wrong places. I don't think a body's heart can keep pumping after it's exsanguinated. That's true. But that's where the robot dog with the electricity comes in. What are you trying to do? I'm trying to make the body flail around to make it look like he's still alive. Listen.

Listen, I know this man. This man is a selfish inventor. Any chance of being saved by his own inventions, he's going to program that in. Oh, so you're betting that if Little Tuck thinks that Tucker's BPM is still going, but he's in danger of dying, that he will stop fighting and go try to save his life. Yeah, try to make moves. All right. This is a long shot, Freddie, but I'm going to let you try it.

First thing we need to do... Unclamp this little doggy. Give me a strength roll to unclamp the dog. Hey, little doggy. Open up for me.

Thank you. 33 out of a very strong 75. It's easier the third time. Now you are going to have to give me a mechanical repair roll to affix this to his heart in such a way that it will send coursing electricity through his nervous system. What is your mechanical repair? 35. Oh my God, that's right. That's your plumbing score. I need to very carefully target it into the nipple. 47.

Okay, so I could burn or I could push. If you push, you don't get to burn more luck or you can burn your luck to do the roll. And I have 44 luck and I would need to burn. That's a lot of luck. 12 is a lot of luck. I wouldn't do it. You might want to, especially for this cockamamie plan. I'm burning it. All right. I'm burning this luck. So I've clamped it artfully onto the nipple.

And I give the doggy a little butt pat and I go, go Fido, go. Here's what we'll say is that normally the dog bites on someone and doesn't let go until Tucker gives them an off command. But because Tucker is dead and can't give the off command, he will continue doing this. Yes, excellent. So Tucker starts flailing around and sure enough, his heart starts beating very fast and blood is just spurting out of the hole that Trudy made in his neck. Ah, this is more horrific a sight than I had initially anticipated. Yeah.

Oh my goodness. This reminds me of a toilet I once fixed. Why? Well, you know, the spewing is coming out in the wrong way. Oh no. I clamped something the wrong way. Child, child, your father needs you. Oh, okay, great. I love that. Give me a persuade roll with advantage. I have 10% persuade. You have 10% persuade? Holy shit. I persuade with my fists. Oh, even better. I start beating up the dad.

I start beating up the corpse. So now the kid will be like, oh no, my dad's getting beat up by this really buff guy with a great chin line. In that case, give me an intimidate. Can I just do a brawl roll? No, because you're trying to convince him of something. Okay, I'll intimidate. I'll intimidate. Child! Child! Oh, super success! Super success! Nice. Super fucking success, baby! Goddamn right. Goddamn right. Blake Lively's coming to his own this episode. Child, bear witness to me beating the shit out of your dad. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Okay, so in that case... We're really holding space with that and witnessing that. Lil Tuck notices you doing that, thought that Tucker had died because his heart stopped beating, and then realized, oh my gosh, no, he's still alive. But before he can administer first aid to Tucker, of course, he has to remove the threat that is now pummeling his father. So he is going to attack you on his next turn.

Kelsey, we go back into the past for a split second. Relishwet has vanished from the future, which means Zuzel is now free to yank you back to your body in the present. So as you are holding your brother, tears streaming down your face, you blink and you're back in your body. Now, you said your brother, when he died, that you got his personal effects. Mm-hmm. What's something that was in those personal effects that you've always carried with you since? Oh.

I'm trying to remember now that because the timeline's all weird because I forget if it was he was a teacher and it was supposed to be that's why but World War I is too far away. That's why it originally was World War I. Oh, is it World War I? Because he went when he was like 18 because he's older. Oh, did we change it to World War II? Well, he said and then we started making fun of Guadalcanal. So...

So, yeah. Yeah. Because the idea is like Kelsey is in her mid 50s. Her older brother is like 60. So World War One was like he was 18 and he had just started teaching. Change it to Verdun or something. All right. That's my bad. That's my bad. OK. I didn't want to know about my own lore. So, yes, he had. I just worried that you would make it something weird.

Could be your copy of the Velveteen Rabbit. Did you give that to him? I was going to say it's a big old copy of the Velveteen Rabbit, but he's not going to carry the big old copy of the Velveteen Rabbit. A huge leather-bound copy of the Velveteen. Signed original print. Signed by the rabbit, man. By the rabbit. Little paw prints on the front. You bring that to fight the

Kaiser? I don't think so. Here we go. Kelsey gave him a bracelet and he had promised he would put a little token in every place he visited in Europe on that bracelet. So, you know, like a little collecting thing. It was her bracelet that when they would go on vacation, she would add a little token to it. And she gave it to her brother. So good luck charm. Yeah, good luck charm. And also like wherever you go, like get something. And it was in his effects. And it did have, you know, like. And you've just like worn it on your wrist ever since? Yeah. Okay. It's not there anymore.

Kelsey is very confused. Does she feel like something's different? No, you don't. You're just confused. So you wake up on the ground. You see Rudy. Get the gun. Did we win? What's happening? Help. Help. I'm single-handedly holding off Robot Child, but Robot Child is going to fuck me up, and I have two health. So any assistance, please. I punch Robot Child in the head. Okay, great.

He's still stuck on Trudy. I rolled my fighting brawl. Great. And I got 23, which is a good success. Okay. He missed. So go ahead and roll damage. She's so strong. Oh, yeah. Five. You got five. Great. That's not bad for a fist. Kapow. So you feel a little crunch as your fist...

sinks into this thing and the force of your blow knocks it clean off of Trudy and it flies across the room again and smashes into the wall. It's still got a little life left in it. It's kind of writhing around and dazed and it starts inching its way back towards you again, but it's going to have to make a move before it gets back to you. You did homeschool, but now you got schooled at home. That's what she says. Beautiful. Holy shit. So glad your brother's alive now. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Francis, it's your turn. I keep running with the kid because it took me two rounds to basically get out of the house with the kid. Yes, great. He has a name, Anthony. What's his name again? Timmy. I always confuse it with the other one. Tuck. Tuck. Tuck, yeah. Tucker, Timmy. A lot of Ts. You make it to the door and when you open the door, you remember when Tucker said right before you guys were charging him that he tripped a silent alarm? Yeah, I was hoping you forgot.

So you see three Pontiacs roll up to the front door of the house, and you see six guys in bison masks. That'd be cute. Climb out of, yeah, one of them's probably pretty cute. It's a little hard to tell under the bison mask unless you're into that kind of thing. And they were able to park it no problem wearing big masks. Wow. Actually, no, yes, you're right. You see six guys in robes pull up, climb out and put masks on. And you see one who has the mask already on, and he's like, I couldn't.

Oh my God. They strap their masks on and pull out guns and clubs and knives and all manner of weapon. And they are now charging towards the front door of the house. Oh man. First time they ever invaded the house, they didn't surround it. Just leave the back. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just going to leave it back. That's what I'm saying. Flan that door shut, lock it, and then start heading towards the back. Okay, as you turn around, boom! You see the basement door fly open. And you see three guys in lab coats from the research lab. What are you guys doing down there? They tripped a sail on an arm. They're coming up.

Remember it goes down into the lab? That's the entrance to the lab? Oh, I know. They stumble out and they also have weapons aplenty in their hand and you find yourselves in a pincer movement trapped and they will be able to go at the top of the next turn. Oh, man. Wait, so how many bad guys do we have now? It is your turn.

I'm dead. Oh, you're dead. That's right. You're unconscious. And then it's new Trudy's turn. New Trudy sees... Nudie. Nudie. No! Or not Nudie, Trudy Prime and new Trudy. There's so many Trudys. Too many Trudys. Robot Trudy hears this bang and hears people coming up from the back door. It sort of clocks what's going on. And she backs up for a second, putting her arms out protectively. And then you notice as the forces of evil close in all around you,

You notice a moth land on new Trudy's fingertip. And she seems to notice it too. And she's confused for a second.

And then you see a terror in reality. What? Like a line just unzip in front of you in 3D space and then circle open into a portal. And the Avengers come out. On your right, Cap. And you hear, on your right. And you see a big, hunky, sexy moth standing on the other side of this portal. Wait, wait, a moth man. A moth man. Okay.

frantically for you to enter. I got sexually excited for nothing. For you to enter this portal. You had me in moth and then you said it's moth. And he says, Trudy friends, come with me. And he motions for you all to run in. You all have one round before little Tuck gets up to you and the guys bust down the doors and close in on you. What would you like to do?

Is there anything round near me? Anything round? Anything round the size of a tennis ball near me in this house. Anywhere. Anything. I'm giving you the DM the option to tell me if there's something round the size of a tennis ball anywhere near me. Oh, we have a dog. There's a snow globe. I grab a snow globe, but I hide it from my hand and I go, ha, snow.

Looks like he's entered the wrong room. And I mime the idea of pulling a grenade. And then I throw the snow globe, like, kind of near everybody. And then I grab Trudy and leap into the portal. Give me a luck roll. Give us a little extra time, you know? Mm-hmm. You know? Don't want them shooting at my bullies when they're running. I mean, a bad luck roll. Okay, the snow globe shatters on the ground in a bunch of fake snow and water. And all the same elsewhere characters come out. Okay.

We were in here the whole time. And then Orson Welles dies. That's how that happened. That's the way that movie happened.

My child, you will live forever as long as you don't smash your snow globe. But he was too sick. And the nurse was like, I think he's trying to put that snow globe up on his shelf. And he's like, no, no, it's precious. He's trying to hold on to it. I'm pretty sure he's trying not to let go of it. Like, no, it's his. And he dropped it. That's so tragic. Dude, if only the nurse put it back on the shelf, he could have lived forever.

Man, what a movie. Dude, Rosebud was the name of his sled, but it was also the name of his first love and his daughter. Crazy. And his wife's clitoris. You guys have heard that, right? What? Sorry? All right, not to work blue, but William Randolph Hearst, he would call his wife's clitoris Rosebud. Oh, fucking bad. I never thought I would use something of Randolph Hearst, but Chuck was like, I'm using that move. Wait, you think that's a good move?

whispering Rosebud against the Glamour. Yeah, we'll run over this noted pleasure of winning. Hey, Beth, do you have a castle? What's up? He has a castle. Beth, do you have swimming pool tours for your castle? Beth, do you have an indoor-outdoor pool? Beth, do you have a large pool called the Neptune Pool? It sounds like he's got a pretty big castle for somebody that doesn't have any game. That's what he's saying.

Rose, but... You just throw this thing and then you run and you jump into the portal? Yeah, sorry. I still jump into the portal tree. On the way there, I want to hit Tucker. You want to hit him? I'll hit him. All right. You hit him. I need to make sure that you cannot bring him back all kinds of... I want to take his head! No!

I want to take his head. Do I have a turn to grab a kitchen knife and saw his head off? You can do that, but you will not be able to get out of the portal. You have to go to the kitchen, find a kitchen knife, come back unless you have one on you. Quick player huddle.

If Will wants Tucker to come back alive, you taking his head is not going to stop it from happening. He told us he's dead. If he wants him to come back, he's coming back. He's like, damn, Tucker was coming back. And then Freddie took his head.

Guess I'm just going to throw all that out. Quick player cuddle, though. Yeah, cuddle? Yeah, what's up? Rose, but... Okay, fine. I also go through the portal. As you all bound through the portal past Mothman, Trudy, in your daze as you're dying, you are able to see one last thing before the lights go out. Not dead, but in your haze before you pass out. You look back through the portal and you see...

Original Trudy standing there in this wrecked, headless robot body, this scene of carnage all around her, this dog biting the twitching corpse of her dead husband and the slithering head snake of her son writhing towards her and armed men bursting down both doors as they close in on her. And she looks at you and you feel this sense of determination in her voice as she reaches out to you and says, tell him that I loved him.

And she presses a mole straight in the center of her chest. You hear a beep begin in this body. And she turns and walks towards the bisons as they close in all around her. And you hear this beep, beep, beep, beep. And right as the portal closes, this massive explosion detonates and rips through the entire house and blows the Trout household to smithereens. ♪

The fear in the broken sky was to feel sword and ice twisted in. What I can see is a hole in the stars, swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far, but I'll stay today.

We're back into the swing of things for 2025, kicking off a crazy start to the year here in Los Angeles. We are all okay with regards to the wildfires. We had some power outages here and there, air quality issues, but we went through nothing compared to what a lot of other folks went through. Folks, we could use some help right now. So check out the show notes for links to organizations you can contribute to for the wildfires.

This show is supported by a Patreon consisting of individuals like Greg Noble, Davin Dossio, Noah Collier, Nathaniel Barker, Val Powell, The Hentai Body Pillow,

Robert Johnston, Cass N, Raphael Charette-Berube, Jupiter Redacted, Natalie Rose Mabry, Cole, Cole McIntyre, Glumly, Abigail DeRussell, Peyton's Cutman, Katie Walker, Garrett Humphries, Green Tea, and Cadence Newton. If you'd like to support this show directly and receive hours of bonus audio and video content in return, you can do so at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. We're starting at $5 a month. You get the entire backlog of bonus one-shots, miniseries, and live show videos that we put up.

A new Kingdom Dad monster coming out very soon in the conclusion of our Warhammer miniseries. Dad Hammer is right after that. Also, get access to an ad-free feed you can access through whatever podcast app you're using currently. That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Check out my audiobook, read of my dad's book,

Swimming to Freedom, My Escape from China and the Cultural Revolution, available now on Audible. And for the people curious about the feature film that Matt and I wrote and directed, We're All Gonna Die, we're looking at the last weekend in January, so very soon, to do some screenings around the country. Stay tuned for that. Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Merch and more at dungeonsanddaddies.com. Next episode coming out through January 28th. We'll see you then. ♪ All I can see is a hole in the stars ♪

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay All that I can see is one star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far But I'll stay

Kelsey, what is a... What? That wasn't me farting bad. That wasn't me farting. That was me scraping. I don't believe you. That was me scraping something. That was you scraping your... Teacher, match the back farting. Teacher!