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cover of episode S3 Ep. 20 - Them’s the Brakes

S3 Ep. 20 - Them’s the Brakes

2025/3/11
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Dungeons and Daddies

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A
Anthony
作为《Camerosity Podcast》的主持人,Anthony Rue 深入探讨了摄影设备的历史和使用经验。
B
Beth
一位获得艾美奖和格蕾西奖的商业分析师和《Jill on Money》播客主持人,专注于个人财务和投资建议。
F
Freddy
M
Matt
无足够信息构建一句话概述
W
Will
参与《Camerosity Podcast》,分享1980年代相机使用经历的嘉宾。
Topics
Freddy: 我要感谢大家去电影院观看我们的电影《We're All Gonna Die》。 本集是《Dungeons and Daddies》的第20集,剧情复杂,我们将继续讲述Peachyville Horror的故事。 Will: 本集是关于四个普通人对抗黑暗势力的恐怖喜剧故事,背景设定在20世纪50年代的美国郊区。 我将总结每个角色当前的处境和任务,并引导大家进行下一步行动。 Anthony: 我扮演Francis Farnsworth,一个拥有感知枪的孩子。 我将分享Francis的一些个人经历,并参与到团队的讨论和行动中。 Matt: 我扮演Kelsey Grammer,Peachyville最快乐的老师。 Kelsey的教育理念是支持和鼓励每个孩子,但也需要警惕潜在的危险。 Beth: 我扮演Trudy Trout,一个家庭主妇和机器人,也是一个孩子的母亲。 Trudy对上集的经历很感兴趣,并对Moth Jesus很感兴趣。

Deep Dive

Chapters
The hosts discuss the origins of the word 'schmo' and its connections to Yiddish, sharing humorous anecdotes along the way.
  • 'Schmo' originates from Yiddish, derived from 'shmuck' meaning a foolish person.
  • 'Shmuck' also means penis in Yiddish.
  • The discussion also touches on other slang terms like 'scumbag' and their surprising origins.

Shownotes Transcript

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Hey folks, Freddy here. Just want to say thank you to everyone who went out to their local theaters to watch our movie We're All Gonna Die starring Ashley Burch and Jordan Rodriguez. Was it not playing anywhere near you? Check again because our theater run is not done yet. We have another week of screening so check our website we'reallgonnadie.mov for showtimes and more details. Thank you. On to the episode. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Bison Brothers, do not respond. Bison Brothers, do not respond. Four, two, one, nine, eight, six. Four, two, one, nine, eight, six. Farnsworth, Lua, Collins, Anderson, Gilpin.

Time 0300. Authentication Foxtrot. Willco- Hey, what? Somebody help! Somebody help! Dollmaker! It's the Dollmaker! I have to go. On a trip. Can't be late. Goodbye. I have to go. On a trip. Can't be late. Goodbye.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, not even a D&D podcast this season. The Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. What is the etymology of schmo? Schmo. Where does schmo come from? It sounds kind of unique. It sounds slurred, Jason. Do you want to open this up, Will? Do you want to date? No one tell me.

No one tell me. Anthony, put your phone down. I would guess... I just want to know. Yeah, I would guess it's Yiddish. And now I know. No, it's not. Anthony, look at me. It's not a slur. I think it'll be safe. It's actually pretty fun. Oh, is it? So it's from...

the Yiddish shmuck. And shmuck obviously means, you know, a contemptible or foolish person. And shmuck itself comes from shmuck, which is also Yiddish, which means penis. Oh! It's pretty fun. Yeah. All right. Instead of calling somebody a dick. Oh. That's fun. Four everyday cocks. Four hot cocks. This was like in a movie or something when I was growing up. I thought that shmuck was the part of the penis that is circumcised and kind of removed. Kind of removed? Yeah.

Circumcised is either removed or not removed. Do or do not, Beth. There is no trial. Can you all look up schmoe but spelled S-H-M-O-O, which is what I did? Schmoo? Schmoo? Schmoo? Because there's a little character from the 1950s called the Schmoo, and it kind of looks like a walrus.

crossed with a dick with legs. The shmoo. If he's from the 50s, maybe the shmoo will make an appearance this season. He would fit in Cthulhu. Oh my God, look at this guy. He fits in Cthulhu. Look at this guy. All right, all right, all right. I play Blake Lively, deep thinking plumber, handyman extraordinaire. That doesn't matter now because I just learned that scumbag is a 1920s term for a used condom. Scumbag. That rules. That rules. What were you saying, Freddie? Scumbag.

It would be more obvious if it was just scumbag. That's how snakes... Well, that's how they get you, Freddie. Yeah, that's what snakes got. I always thought scumbag was one of the more hard-hitting of the G-rated insults. Yeah, now it definitely is. And now I know why. What about poopy face? What about poop butt? What the fuck did you just say, Freddie? Don't even say...

Say that. I play Blake Lively, deep thinking plumber and handyman. Yes. Blake Lively has, as we've seen, a pretty massive fighting brawl skills, physique, all that stuff. Where did that come from? Well, from a very comprehensive weight training program, which involves Blake lifting rocks. That's right.

That's it. Rocks. Yeah, but that, Bob, but Will, the rocks get bigger as time goes on. Okay. How big is the rock? What kind of rock? How big is he working with? What's he at right now? He's at. What's his personal rock best? He's at the gray one in the field by his house. How big is it? Pretty big. It's about this big, Matt. It's about this big. Is it big enough for like kids to hide behind? Like, do the kids have a name for the rock? That's how I judge rock sizes. Like,

If a kid named that rock, there's a big rock. Yeah, if there's a name for the rock, it's a big rock. No, he's not at the named rock level. Okay, he's not named rock yet. I think plenty of small rocks have names, like pet rocks and et cetera. That's true. They didn't have pet rocks in the 50s. That wasn't a thing yet. It was a 70s invention. Dang. Really? Fuck, dude. Matthew looks so stupid right now.

Whatever you poopy face. Oh, my God. You're going to the special hell. I did not know Beth was going to be the first one to get canceled. I did. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's snappiest and happiest schoolmarm. And you know what she always says? Every child has the capacity to be everything. So support and encourage. But also, everything can mean some pretty bad stuff. So be on the lookout as well. Always got to be on the lookout. That sounded nice.

I'm on the sense journey. So we're going to do favorite taste and least favorite taste. The least favorite taste of Kelsey is her sister's Roz's hamburgers. You know, Kelsey loves a hamburger and Roz makes, unfortunately, the worst burgers. They are too large. They are overcooked. She puts the ketchup on for, I don't know. It's just garbage. It's garbage. It's like those big restaurant burgers that you have to unhinge your jaw. Yes. And overcooked. And she doesn't toast the bread. Like it's just all, it's just a mess. It's a bad burger.

You know what one of the worst feelings in the world is? Is when you're sitting down to a burg or a hot dog and then the bun, because it's like a crappy bun, starts to crumble in your hand. Yes! Literally so dry it crumbles. It's embarrassing too. It's like, oh, I couldn't keep it together. But it's like, no!

Yeah, you're getting meat juice and ketchup on your fucking fingers. As someone with a shame kink, I like a crumbly burger. We're on the same page because you know what's the other problem with that type of bread? I feel like you guys are subtweeting someone right now. I feel like you guys are putting a friend who does bad burgers on blast. Is it me?

No, not at all. Me and Freddie love bread. No, no. And this is why we work so well together. It's like Freddie understood my mumbling to understand exactly the type of bread I was talking about. And the worst part about that crumbly bread is also there's a thin layer of sog. Because that bread is so bad that it sucks up the ketchup. So it's got soggy and it's the worst. Unfortunately, the favorite taste

is her brother-in-law's Niles Burgers. It's the thing because he makes perfect... She's rolling the dice every time she comes over for a burger. And it's also a point of contention. She's got to pretend to like it both ways, you know? But yeah, Niles makes the perfect burger. The perfect burger. It's a smash burger. It's just perfect. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid with a sentient gun.

Oh, friend. A keto ergo gun. Francis's peachy fact is that he has had a reach around. He was at a Sadie Hawkins dance. He had gotten a note from Carly saying, hey, will you go to dance with me? It was the happiest day of his entire life. They'd said, meet me at the dance. So we went to the dance alone in his dad's oversized tuxedo that didn't fit him at all.

And he saw Carly coming towards him and he was so excited. He's like, oh my God, she's going to give me a kiss. She's going to say something to me. And then she reached around him and grabbed a bowl of punch or a cup of punch that was behind him and then went back to her boyfriend, Shane, who was staring at Francis the entire time. You can't recognize my handwriting. I like that. I want to stick with what you first said, though, and that she grabbed the bowl of punch.

punch. That was a named bowl. That was a big bowl. Kids were hiding behind that bowl. The cool kids are taking this bowl. Yeah, this bowl is ours. Damn. I'm sorry, Francis. Dude, you ever got an excuse you shooting a kid? I just want to clarify. Oh, yeah, sure. I'm going to be doing an hour of stand-up at the Lyric High period. An hour? An hour? I know. What are you? What the fuck are you talking about? An hour? An hour long set? What the fuck? Have you even done a

Type 5 in public? I've done it to people that love me that will never tell me if it's bad. Wow. It's going to be probably pretty bad. An hour? This is getting a full back tattoo of stand up. Yes. I'm going to do it or I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to half ass it by doing it correctly. When? When? I need to know when. So it's going to be Sunday, March 23rd.

at 9.30 at the Lyric Hyperion. 9.30 p.m. at the Lyric Hyperion. Hey, it's Anthony. So actually the March 23rd show is sold out, but there is a March 26th show at the same venue. Lyric Hyperion had 9.30.

And as far as I know, there's still tickets available for that one. If you want to come and like stalk me, that's probably the most convenient way to do it because you know where I'll be at that moment. That's snug as a bug in a rug hours, 930. Yeah, on a Sunday. It's a good chance that nobody will be there, which will be great because then I won't be bombing till people who matter.

Just my loved ones. God damn, Anthony. I appreciate your zest and verve for life. Yeah. Quick question. Quick question for you. Yeah. Because I know this now. There's a pattern. When you go, you go. You go hard. Yeah. Back tattoo. It's an autism thing. It's a zero or a hundred. There's nothing in between. Zero or a hundred. No question, though. Having done this now a few times once with your back. Mm-hmm.

What's your conclusion here? Are you like, this is good that I go hard? Or are you like, dang, maybe I should not go hard. Is your therapist like you're susceptible to black and white thinking? Yeah.

Yes, that's on my family crest. No, it's a bad idea. You should not go zero to 100. I can't even pretend that there's any time where it's ever really worked out for me. Not once. Really? No. Life is about gradations. Very few things are all one thing or all another thing. So the fact that I can only see things. Not your life, though. Exactly. I'm trying to force the world into my black and white view, which doesn't work. Anthony saw Fast and the Furious. He was like a quarter mile at a time. What a coward. No mile or full mile at a time. Yeah. For this guy. Real question.

This hour of stand-up. Yeah. Is this an hour of stand-up that you change the font to like 14-point font to get it to an hour? Or is this like an hour of stand-up that was like, ooh, God, I got so much I got to trim it down to an hour? I will tell you. I have another question. Okay. I'll do his first.

So God's honest truth is I've written about two pages since I timed it last. But when I timed it last, it came out to 23 minutes. So I have a lot of stand up to write or it's going to be fine because I'm just going to be pausing waiting for all those laughs to die down for 40 minutes. Do you have a poster for your act? Yeah. Okay. Who's opening? That's fine.

Do you want to see it? Do you have an opener? I think she wanted to make it. Oh, you want to make it? Yeah, I guess I'll see it, though. No, no, no. Make it. Make it. You make it. That'll be more fun. Who's opening for you, Anthony? Do you want to? No. Then no one. You're just going to rock on. Wait, wait, wait. Can I open for you as a character? Can I just come up with a character and open for you, and I'll do two minutes? Yeah, that's great. Oh!

Yeah. You can do 40 minutes. No, no, no, no, no. The opener doesn't take away anything. When you do an hour standup, the opener doesn't cut into your hour. Yeah. It's not subtractive. That's not how it works. Shit. Yeah.

I really can't fuck with the margins on this one. And really quick, was there a name for the show? Is it My First Hour of Stand-Up? It's called Anthony Burch Tries Stand-Up. Okay. Actually, you know what? I think your one is better. My Very First Hour. Anthony Burch's First Hour of Stand-Up. And it's going to look like a storybook on the poster that I'll design. That's great, yeah. Yay! I'll send you the dimensions for what it needs to be. Yay! Well, good luck, Anthony. Bonne chance, mon ami. All right.

Hey, you guys, I don't know if you should actually go see Anthony's show, but I heard the opener is killing. You should check her out. Hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, homemaker and robot and mother of one beautiful child.

Fun fact. What fresh hell have you for us this week, Beth? This one is like a little bit of a collab. I outsourced my talents to Matt this week. We kind of worked together and came up with this one. So enjoy. So Trudy actually quite liked the experience of inhaling all of that mist last episode and holding her breath.

With that interest combined with her love, not love, but her interest in Moth Jesus, you could say that Trudy is into auto-emothic asphyxiation. That took two people, huh? We were working around the clock. We almost didn't get it done in time. You should have had her third person just to say no. That's the funniest one you've ever done.

Hi, I'm Will Campos. I'm a joker. I'm a smoker. I'm a midnight toker. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm a DM on the run. This is the show that we do, and my dad fact for you all is that in bird collections, skin specimens prepared without bills are often called schmoos. I love that. Skin specimens? A schmoo looks like a beakless bird, I guess. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm looking up shmoo facts. And this is the creepiest one because it said skin. I don't know, Anthony. It's one of those like H.P. Lovecraft's always been like, hey, man, like, you know, the scariest thing is not knowing something. Yeah. And like, you know, so this is like a fact where even I, the author of it, don't know what it means. Skin specimen is definitely like the anti-seller door. Like that's a very disquieting pair of words. It really rolls off the tongue. I bet you they just do it for birds to be like, will this fry up real good? Mm hmm.

Also in medicine, the shmoo sign refers to the appearance of a prominent rounded left ventricle and dilated aorta on a plain AP chest radiograph giving the appearance of a shmoo. Saying something so scary that you can't describe it is kind of like on reality shows when the guy is always like, I just love you so much I can't put it into words. All right. Do you guys want to do a podcast so scary we can't even describe it? Yeah, let's do it.

We're pretty deep in the season now, guys. It's episode 20. And the plot's getting kind of complicated. I wrote some little recaps for each one of them. Oh, my God. Okay. Trudy.

Your son is lying in a coma on Mothman's spaceship. His brain, your son's, and yours are coated with a weird science goo made from the venom of an alien called the Dollmaker. If you can get a big dose of the venom from the Dollmaker, who has escaped the clutches of Project Heartland and is now running amok in the town of Peachyville, Moth Jesus can hopefully use it to make a cure to save your son. From the library, you got a big fat dossier on the Dollmaker containing everything Project Heartland knows about it.

Francis, a lot's been going on lately. Your beloved Kar98 sniper rifle Brunhilde has come to life and she's been whispering murderous thoughts in your ear. You also recently discovered you have the ability to astral project while you're sleeping. While doing so, you encountered Sneaky Pete as well as a couple of creepy sleep paralysis demons who burned a spiral scar into your flesh.

Also, while visiting Shane Sr. in a dream, you managed to accidentally convince him that you are the one who shot his son's leg off, which you did. From the library, you got a book on how to remove curses from haunted objects, such as CAR-98K rifles. You were also surprised when Bebe revealed that she found your name on a Project Heartland list of Zuzel seed candidates. Mm.

Kelsey, the mystery of your brother John's fate has taken yet another turn. First, you seem to save his life by warning him in the past of his death in World War I. But then, while in the Mas Jesus goo tube, you found yourself trapped in a looping series of memories where the details of John's death, both the battle and the nature of his wounds,

Wait, so if my brother didn't die in the war, does that mean Don Draper doesn't get to start his life over? Oh my God! Ha ha ha!

Oh no. Oh no. Dang. This whole thing takes place in the Draperverse. That was the twist. You were able to unlock a message that your brother has hidden in your memories of his old charm bracelet. The following sequence of charms. An eyeball, a compass, a peach, a

a bison, an hourglass, a lock, and a skull. So it would appear your brother is alive after all, but then, while exploring the library, you came upon a book called The Diary of John Grammer. Why does Project Heartland have your brother's diary? And why was it in the confiscated documents department? You'll have to press on and read the diary to find out. Blake Lively. Ah, the best for last. Dog, you're good, man. Oh, hell yeah, dude.

I love that. Fantastic. Dang. When we last left our group, you had escaped a spooky library with some fun books. You discovered a torn up man on the ground who said that he got dundid by a spooky, indescribable alien known as the Dollmaker who apparently ripped him to shreds. Kind of a skin specimen situation. We are outside the library. Well, no, actually, you guys didn't leave the library yet because you were all still peeking out the door of the library to see this. Like the Three Stooges. Yeah. Like the fucking.

Four stooges. Also, Milton and Bebe are here. Bebe got the list of Zuzel seed candidates and Milton got a weird, creepy book that seemed to freak him out that he hasn't shown anyone yet. And outside, you saw the two guys you stuck in the big pile of goo who've been ripped to shreds by this monster known as the Dollmaker. One of them whispered that to you right before he expired. Okay.

We'll say it's like Dawn is just starting to crest and peek out from behind, you know, the old horizon. Oh, hello, Dawn Draper. I close the door because we saw these dead people. I was like, Trudy, Trudy, maybe you want to call Moth Jesus? We should probably, maybe can you like drop a rope ladder or something for us? Ah, yes. Let us return to the airship in the overworld. That's kind of the only place I feel like we might be safe. Okay. Yes. Yes.

I wonder if he gave me a way to communicate with him. This was so silly of me not to have worked out beforehand. I was just so enjoying our time together. Oh, it's okay. I could astral project and look for him if somebody can knock me out real quick. As you say that, you hear a knock on the door. The library's closed! Hello, ma'am. Telegram. Telegram for Trudy Trout. A telegram? What's going on out there? What's with these guys? It's a dopey team from the local Western Union office. Slide the telegram under the door. Are you guys okay?

I hear that guy looks pretty messed up. Your job is to deliver telegrams. That's his question. Okay, I'm just going to call the police. Do you want to call the police yet? Yes, they're on their way. They're on their way. It's all good. Give me a persuade roll. No.

No, no, no. Ooh, 11. Oh, wow. Let me look at what my persuade is, though, before I celebrate. My persuade is good. My fast talk is good. 11's great. You're probably, unless you don't have any persuade. No, I do. I have 40, so everything's working out. Oh, wow. And my persuade is 55. It seems kind of shady, but, you know, it's against the law to lie to a member of the Western Union office. Here you go.

And he slips the telegram through to you, Trudy. Why are you all persuaded with that? Guys, we just committed wire fraud. I don't think it's illegal to talk to people from the Western Union. So you're saying you could be lying to me right now? No, I just said

Trudy, take the W. Okay, yes. And I take the telegram. The guy runs off, terrified. And I read it because I can read now. The telegram says, to Trudy and Trudy friends, Moth Jesus urgently needed in Persicovograd. Timmy safe and stable. Moth Jesus shall return as soon as possible. Heart MJ. Holy shit, he said that all in one sentence with no stops. One sentence, no stops. Holy show. How quick do we think as soon as possible is? I don't.

No, he's not from our world exactly. So time might work differently. And I mean, this is probably an episode, right? A murder.

A murder-murder episode? Exactly. At least four hours. Children. It is unusual that those episodes are so long. They got to fit in three murders. They got so much story to tell. Blake, I'm so sorry. What were you saying? Well, it sounds like we need to find our own transport, children. Yes, Mr. Lively?

How did you get here? Oh, well, it's quite a tale. Ah, Milton, you are an idiot. BB, you are the smart one. How did you get here? Excuse me, sir, Mr. Lively. I know you and I have worked together on many cases in the past, but Milton is an associate of mine now, and he's as capable of telling this story as I am. Well, except he has no eye.

Well, what does that have to do with anything? You have no heart, sir. And she kicks you in the shin. The eyes are relevant. It's okay, BB. It's okay. The visual details of how you got here. It's okay, BB. You can go ahead and tell the story, I guess. And so BB says, well, let me tell you. It's been quite a tale. First, because you guys told me to go hunt down Milton here, I tracked him down to the Anderson Ice Company.

where the Anderson gang had him tied up. So, of course, I snuck in and busted him out. And then we heard about this huge fire at the bunker. We went there and discovered this crazy lab complex underneath. We met this dog, this crazy dog named Arlo. Anyway, we got this cool spell book from him. And I learned a couple of cool spells. And Arlo told us that all of you guys went to the research lab. So I went down there trying to find you. Well, not all of us. We didn't have Tony. Oh.

Where is Mr. Collette? Did you see Tony? I thought he was with you. Is he not with you? No. Where's Mr. Collette? Where? Who? Oh, Collette. Maybe he's back at the car lot. Okay, well, maybe we can look for him. Maybe we can find him. I'm sure he, I mean, I hope he got out, right? He got out. He's a pretty streetwise kind of guy. I'm sure he's fine. He had two broken legs. He had two broken legs? Yeah. Just saying, last time I saw

him. I forgot about that. I think we should go to the car lot because the tension of whether or not Tony is still alive. That's all I'm focusing on. We have to go see if he's alive. Okay, well, yeah, we can go check on him. We can go check on him for sure. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine. And that would be a great place to get a car. And we can go to the other

places we need to go. Okay. Do you guys want to go now? Oh, you were telling a story. I was. Yeah, I kind of was. I was kind of telling you a story. Yeah, go ahead. So we went down to the research labs and we found this whole world of Bigfoots down there and we told them that we were looking for you guys and they were not happy about that. So we were like down there for what seemed like weeks and we managed to escape with the help of like this swamp thing monster guy and we started a revolution down there. Anyway, long story short, we got out just in time to see Trudy's house blow up. So we ran in there to see what was going on and then we got captured by Bipers.

and those guys and then we were about to get sacrificed and that's how we met up with you. We did ask how you got here though specifically like vehicle wise. So no car in this story. No, no, no car. No car. Oh, you just walked. We got captured. We got captured by and they had a car. There we go. Okay, there's the car. Okay, well, and I think that's the car we came in right over there and she points to. I guess we could just check the keys. The car that we slashed the tires

too? I remember leaving one with tires so we could escape if we needed to quickly. Oh, okay. Anyway, that's the whole situation and Milton was really brave and he helped us out a lot, didn't you, Milton? Okay, thank you. That will be in the... I'm sorry about your eyes, obviously, but I'm glad you... It seems like you found a friend. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I did. I guess it was all worth it.

Well, no, I'm so sorry about what happened. I think we should get the kids to maybe my sister's house. Yeah, I want to go home. Okay, yeah, let's get you home, Milton. Can you take Bebe? Bebe, you should probably... These kids aren't going to be safe at your sister's house. What? My sister's the nicest lady. But your sister's connected to you and they're looking for you. They're also looking for the kids on their own. Are you saying my sister's in danger? Yes.

Well, we're safe then. We gotta get Milton and BB and then my sister. Yes, we gotta get the car and then collect every single NPC and put them all together in the car. I was about to ask what we should do next, but that seems like the best thing to do next then. Yeah. This station wagon seats many. Ah, we could give these people and entrust them into the care of Tony. How many cars are there here? We can each crazy taxi it.

That's what I call my fun. That's such a fun idea. A taxi that's crazy. That's wild.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. So your son's safe. That's good. That's what it said. Yes. We have two of the keys, right? I look at the DM, right? We have two keys. Wow, that's right. You guys already got two of the keys. That's great. The library and Trudy's. The key is with whoever is the leader of the containment facility. Because it was said the three directors each had a key to this weapon that will destroy the mother of Zuzel, which is what we all want, right? Yes.

I think. Yeah. Okay. Well, then, yeah, that's where the third key is. Containment, which if I remember the sign correctly, was at the zoo, the Peachyville Zoo. With the...

Oh, I do love the zoo. I love the zoo. We always do a field trip at the zoo. So team, we got three options. Team. I don't know why I said team, but team, we got three options. We are like a team. Are we a team? Are we a team, man? Kelsey? We're a team. Are we a team? We were a team. We were a team. You're on our guttural screams now. Yeah. No, you're part of the guttural scream now. Do you bowl? Quite well. Oh,

If you can bowl half as well as you survive, then you're going to be in the championships for sure. Yeah. Well, we'll tell Tony later that he's been replaced. Because Tony was the worst. Okay. So we can either go after the Dollmaker, right?

Get to the third key. And we also have to save all our friends because maybe they're getting hunted. I would vote for the last one first because that's pretty time sensitive. It's not going to take long for your asshole nemesis to tell all the other bad guys that we escaped. Yes. Okay. Where should we take them, though? Where's safe? I was thinking either Tony's cars, cars, cars. He's connected with us. Oh, good point. Yeah.

Well, wait a second. Mr. Lively. Yes. They don't know that you're involved. Ah, yes. Yes. Because you're just, you're like just a new guy in this, right? That's true. Well, where do you live? They have not been seen. Yes. Where do you live? They could live in my suburban tract home. It's the one that looks like the ones next to it on L Street. L Street? L Street. Wow. I didn't know Blake was an L Street fan.

You're rich, yeah. I have saved up much monies from my wartime profiteering. New Blake lore. What exactly did you sell during the war? It's not about what you sell. It's about what you find in various places off the bodies of those who have lay before you. Francis leans over to Kelsey and is like, if he stole Nazi gold,

What do we do? No, no, no, no, no. This kind of war profiteering is I've sold it all. It's just clean. Yeah, that's usually what profiteering does. Yeah, that's kind of the point. It's clean. War profiteers don't just collect stuff because they think it looks cool. It doesn't become okay just because you got rid of the evidence. The selling is almost the worst. That's what makes it a crime.

Well, I did sell to many people who thought it looked cool. What did you? That's very vague. Not all those people can be good, surely. What did you sell, Mr. Lively? Various items I have found in department stores. Wait. War-torn department stores? Well, there's no one there. Oh. Okay. So you shoplifted from-

Okay. You know what? You know what? Everybody, Blake is a grown man. You're a child and we're women. So we have not been to war. So let's just take a step back. Let's just take a step back. And maybe we don't understand everything Blake went through. And then maybe we would stop.

Explaining more, we could do our best to ignore it and move on with what we need to do. Holy shit. All I'm saying is that I managed to afford a nice suburban home on L Street. Yeah, that's great, man. We don't need to know anymore. You want to say Peachyville, the higher up the alphabet, the richer. And there's only 12 streets, so L is the richest street in Peachyville. So...

What were you going to say, Trudy? I'm sorry. We've all done things we're not proud of. And I think that it would be lovely to see your home. I'm quite proud of my home. Oh, okay. Okay. Well, I think...

regardless of how you feel about it, it would be lovely to go inside and hide our friends there. I'm sorry, I just had to break the seam. I can't get over Matt off the dome knowing that L was the 12th. That was really good. I literally checked. I had to count them. Matt knows that fast that it was L. Because M is Matt and I know it's 13th. Okay, all right. Well, there you go. Anyway, sorry, I didn't mean to. Because Matt. Matt. M, Matt. Wait.

Matt, be Matt. I'm a Matt. We can't know what their life is like. We're right at the beginning of the alphabet. I've never even once in my life thought like, what letter is the alphabet? Here we go, here we go. Anthony and Beth, you don't count. Yeah, I don't count. We're fine. Will, what's W? You should know this. It's your letter. It's your letter. You owe this letter. Is that how it works? 22, I guess? 23? 23, I think. W, X, Y, Z. Yeah, 23. 23? Freddie, you should know this.

How long have you had F at the front of your head? It's six or seven. Somebody's not doing codes. You didn't do codes as a kid? What the fuck are you talking about? Okay, stop. All right, stop. Full stop. Explain everything you just said. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't give a fuck about the poster anymore. I'm so glad I interrupted you. Just what you're doing is out of this podcast. Every word out of your mouth is fucking crazier than I asked, man. Listen, I've done the thing where you count the letters. Last time I did that, they put me away. They put me away.

for a month. You never, look, I like X-Files and J's Bond and I would do spy like codes and if you do that a lot then obviously you'd do a code like, you know, A is one and then you reverse maybe A is 26 instead. So I'm just saying you never did codes. So you do like number site first. Yeah. You,

Who are you sending codes to? Yes, because I remember you telling me that you did X-Files where you were Mulder and there was no Scully. So were you writing codes to yourself? Yeah, it's called playing without friends. Oh my God. All right. Okay. Where were we? We're going to Blake's house. No, no, no. No, no. What we're doing is we're going to check the pockets of these dead guys to see if they have keys to a car that doesn't have slash tires. Then we are all going to go together to Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars, and each of us is going to get a car of our own.

We are then going to, as one large group of cars, a convoy, if you will, go from house to house collecting every person that matters to us that we care about. Then we will deposit them all at Blake Leiby's L Street mansion. Francis, I gotta say... So now that we've done that...

Oh, God. Oh, fuck. That sounds like a sound plan. I will let my butler know to expect guests. And Francis, I got to say, I feel a little bad calling you a kid because I got to say, right now, you're sounding a little bit like a man. I'm very proud of you. You're already grown up right now. I just think in very clear steps. It's just how my brain works. But thank you. You hear a voice of Francis say, yes, you are a man. You're a big, strong man who knows how to take charge and take action.

action in his own special way, yeah? Okay, that kind of had an effect on me that I don't love. Once again, you find the rifle Brunhilde strapped around your back. What's the first step here? Searching their pockets. Oh, so it's okay for you to do this? We're not going to sell the keys! But you're going to take the car to a used car lot and then you're going to acquire cars? Tell me, financially, how does this work? Ha ha ha!

You know what? You're right. You're right. You're right. It's cool as hell to steal. We can't judge war unless we've been in it. Or an adult man. Adult man. That's what I always say. You find. Hold on one second. Let me pull up my. Whoa. Will's prepared two real pockets. He's bringing them over to me. They're jingling. What's up with Will?

He's just demanding Matt put his hands down his pants. That's weird. Oh my God. All right. We checked the pockets. All right. All right. All right. So you see these two bodies. The goo is more or less dissolved at this point. Blake, you can use your hands again. So,

So... Good. Yeah, you can use them. Go search in the pockets. I bet that feels, like, really good, like, when you get water in your ear after you've been swimming, and then it kind of releases. Oh, yeah, that's the best. So one of these bodies, they're in sort of different states, I will say. Girl, look at that body. That one's in Arizona, and that one's in Missouri. Ha ha ha!

Yes, thank you, Anthony. The guy who just talked to you, he's been, like, fucked up. Like, bitten and disemboweled and, like, jacked up. The other body is almost completely eviscerated. Oh. Like, it feels like something devoured this thing. I got eight that one. Uh-huh.

One of these guys, it's almost like it's been completely exsanguinated as well. It's just been like, it almost has the look of like a crumpled up juice box. Oh, it drinks blood. Cool. Just looking for the pockets. And has the goo around them dissolved as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, just because we should be doing this more, everybody give me a sanity roll. No problem, 22. Not the worst bodies I've looted. 15.

55 and my sanity is 40. Okay. I also fail. I got a 66 and my sanity is 47. I fumbled with a 96. Oh, no. I think you're about to find out why you don't do sanity rolls that often. No. No.

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Blood, blood, blood everywhere. Kelsey just runs down the street. Kelsey, okay. She's become a small Victorian child. I was like, oh, I need to do this sanity thing with Kelsey I had planned, but I just don't give him a little one to start. Like this won't be enough to trigger it, but you fumbled. Okay. So the two of you guys just give me a 1d4 sanity loss. Three. Three.

Kelsey, when you see this, you have a kind of break with reality and you blink and you find yourself somewhere else. You are still in Peachyville. Mm-hmm.

You're teaching class. You're in the middle of a history lesson. Oh. You're explaining the history of the United States. And you realize as you're writing, all these kids are looking at you. You're in the middle of a lecture about how America lost World War I. Okay.

I'm writing America lost World War I because dot, dot, dot. And I'm just staring at them? Yeah. Class, just take a moment. We're supposed to be learning math, right? Math, that's what I meant. World War I plus World War II equals World War III. What's World War II? What are you talking about? World War II is what happens because we lost World War I, but we didn't lose World War I. You know what? Everybody take a break. Go to recess. It's recess time. I'm going to sit down. Okay, so these kids all get up and they're just kind of weirded out and they walk away. Are you kidding? They'd be like, fuck!

Fuck yeah, she's dead, baby! All the kids go, where are you? And they run out of the classroom. And then there'd be like one nerd that's like, but Mrs. Grammar, you said you were going to teach us PEMDA. And then while you are doing that, all of you see Kelsey all of a sudden start freaking out. It's like Kelsey's really going to be playing crazy taxi. She's crazy. And this Kelsey is very confused as to where she is.

and who all of you are and what she's doing here. Oh, hi, Trudy. Oh, oh, you're kidding. Oh, what's wrong? Well, you do you know about why we lost World War One? No, I think you should answer that question. Why did we lose World War One? I do know, even though I'm the teacher, I know it. I'm just it's a quiz. I slap her. Give me a fighting brawl roll, please.

I fail. You fail? Uh-huh. I slap myself. Okay. You slap yourself. I'm pretty sure you had to slap a woman. Anyone else want to slap Kelsey? Oh, yeah, that's right. You must have stayed back because you were never really good at history. I get a super success. Wow. Okay. Oh, no. Awful. I liked it. Kid, what the hell? Kelsey, you snap back to where you are now. Oops.

There goes gravity. All three of you said that to me as I came out. You go insane again. What? Huh?

I'm sorry. Where are you? Oh, nothing. A lot of people get scared when they see viscera. I mean, I got scared. It's freaky. I don't like it. Just think of it as tomato soup. You check the bodies. I'm just going to look away. No problem. Okay. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check. Beep, boop, boop, beep. Why did I say that? So squishy. Any money, Luker? There's like 30 cents. This guy's a millionaire. He's got to live on L3. 30 cents. I pocketed it immediately. This will be six hamburgers. Can I roll psychology and see if I can get more insight into what's going on with Kelsey? Sure, yeah. Dang, dude.

I fail. A labyrinth of a woman's mind is unknowable. A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets. This must be that feminist mystique. You know, feminine mystique they're always talking about. Now, on the sort of disintegrated, exsanguinated body, you find the wallet and keys of Buddy Betts, owner of Betts Buys Electronics. Ah.

In town. Yeah, so you've got his wallet and his keys now. They seem to have his, like, office keys as well as his car keys. The other corpse belongs to Mushy Callahan of Callahan Auto Parts. He's also got his keys on him as well. That's appropriate. It's funny because this one is not Mushy, but the other one is actually Buddy. Freddy, since you're up close here, give me a spot-hidden roll. Mm-hmm.

I narrow my eyes and I say 38 out of 33. I don't see anything. Okay, nevermind. Car keys. I have car keys. Yes, you have two sets of car keys. If only there was a button that we can check which car this belongs to. Let us go try every door. Yeah, there's only five of them. That's so clever. I come up with all kinds of ideas all the time. All right. I will throw you guys a bone and say that the car that you did not let the air out of. What luck. Uh,

We have two pairs of keys. Old rusty jalopy that belongs to Buddy Betts. The man who owns Betts Buy is going to fucking drive a shit box? Not everybody needs a fancy automobile. He lived on A Street. He was hocked up to his ears in debt keeping that store afloat. Big box stores, come on. It's hard knock life for a...

Well, we have a vehicle. Okay. Who I will drive. As you clamber in, you find in the glove compartment. Search this vehicle for anything of value. You just, you know, you find some bets bucks, like some coupons for bets bucks. Hang on to those. But you'll also find. What the hell?

A map of Peachyville. Totally. Will has several copies of a map. Oh! A color. Will! How did you know we were going to do A through L street? It's like a magic trick. We haven't even talked about it. Oh, it's very cute. It looks like a peach. Wow.

Did you draw this, Will? Oh, yeah. It is shaped like a peach. That's very cute. It looks kind of like a brain and a heart. And a peach. It's a peach. It's a peach. I did draw this, Freddie. Wow. Ah, dear listener, you're probably wondering what this map looks like. We've posted a picture of it on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Go there.

So what you have in front of you is a map of the town of Peachyville. I've marked some landmarks on there. You guys can add to this map as you will, you know, as we kind of go through. No, this is everything that's in the town. And the McDonald's is in the old town. With the library, the bowling. I mean, it's on the way to Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars. And me, buddy, hungry. I am hungry. Oh, you guys want to go to McDonald's? We might as well stop by. Fuck yes. Did they have drive-thru back then? They had car service, I assume, right? Because this was like the beginning of that era. Hmm.

Let's see. I said it was like six in the morning. Yeah. So when you get to McDonald's, it's closed. I guess we'll just have to wait. Oh, yeah. Wait. Wait. Let's wait for them to open it up. What time do they open? McDonald's will say they open at nine. Okay. No, we won't wait. No, let's get our friends and family, obviously. We'll bring them down later. Here's how I see this working. And you guys tell me if you agree or disagree. This blood sucking alien is killing people in the town. Cool. There's a cult running around doing God knows what. Okay.

on what seems to be something of a timeline. So how I see this next portion of the game going is that every sort of group working in the city right now, you guys, the monster, the cult, a couple other players that are maybe out in the wind, you should get three actions a day. One for the morning, like let's say 8 a.m. to 12. Breakfast to lunch. Breakfast to lunch, lunch to dinner, and then sleepy time and late night.

You should probably sleep for one of those. What? We got sleep? Yeah, dog. This is a fucking great life sim now. And you guys can obviously team up on your actions. You can do whatever you want. So how I was figuring is like, you guys tell me what you want to do as a group with your morning time right now. And then depending on where you go, you might bump into people. We'll see how it goes.

I see, I see. I feel like the move is just we continue onward to Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars. Yeah, Tony's Cars, I think. Okay, so we're going to reconnoiter at Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars. Because we all need multiple cars, we need multiple cars. Yeah. We're not going to be able to fit in just one. How many people do we need to save? Let's count them. What is it? My parents. Why don't you guys whip up a list? Two. And then my brother and sister. Four. Four. And Milton and Bebe already with us. That's right. Six. That's six. And there's obviously four of us. So that's ten already. Trudy, who do you need to save? Well, ten.

Well, Timmy. But he's safe. He's in a spaceship. Anybody else? Well, I guess I'm a little embarrassed. I felt that my life was so enriched before, and yet now I'm realizing that maybe there isn't...

So no. Okay. No, you got 10 of us. You got us. There's 10 of us. That means two cars. We just need two cars. They asked Blake. We don't know Blake very well. Blake, anybody we need to save? No, just, we're all going to my house. So two cars or a big van? Yes. Yeah. Tony's Cars Cars might sell vans. Yeah, do they have a... Only one way to find out. Okay, let's go. Our action we choose is to go to Tony's Cars Cars Cars. Game master, we have decided. Very well.

You drive your jalopy to Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars. So you're there. There's an open casket funeral happening. Ha ha ha ha ha.

From his assistant. I don't think he had the casket. I think his assistant died. I'm pretty sure his assistant died. It's just empty. It's just empty, right? Also, there's no casket. You were consumed. Yeah, there's nothing to look at. Somebody just give me like a luck roll. Who's feeling lucky? I mean, not me. I fumbled. Francis, give me a luck roll. My luck is 79. Ooh.

I love those big numbers. And I got a 95. What? No. That's not a fumble, though. 96 is a fumble. No, you're close. You're close.

So you roll up with your car to Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars, which we'll say is like there's a big pile of mail out front. It hasn't been that many days. There's not a big pile of mail out front. No, it's a big pile. It's like all debt collections. Freddie, why don't you paint a picture of the state that Tony left this place in? The window is busted out of his trailer, right? That's right. There's peel marks that are just leading directly into the intersection. Generally a fine film of day-old dust.

on things. And I think it's pretty clear that there's just like no one in this lot. That proprietor does not appear to be here. I feel we are operating under wartime rules, which means... Yeah, we know about your wartime rules. I think we can go and acquire any cars we need by breaking into his place and maybe borrowing them. And if, you know... Hey, hey, Tony is our friend. Yeah.

He'd probably be fine with it. Yeah. I think there's two. Unfortunately, I think there's two ways to look at this. Either Tony's alive and well, in which case he'll understand that we're doing this for our families and he would be okay. Or Tony didn't make it. In which case. Yeah. In which case, as Blake has already showed us.

You can kind of do whatever you want. The dead have no property. Yes. Well, yeah. Yeah. The dead have no property. I think that's true. Minus the two coins you put in their eyes for Charon.

Well, I mean, thinking that Tony may, in fact, be dead and that we were his bowling team, should we go around and maybe say a few words about him? Why do you assume he's dead? He's a shifty guy. He's probably just high eating. No, because he would be- Thank you for starting, Blake. Um, okay. Who wants to go next? Uh, Tony.

Tony owned a car dealership. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your share. I deep down feel like Tony is probably gone because the last time we saw him, he was running away as his friends were getting consumed by a monster. And he ran to a place where the exit was already closed.

And fire was consuming many innocent people, including him. And his legs were broken. I think he died like he lived, which was a coward, unfortunately. But he was part of our team. And for that, I will be forever grateful. Even though he wasn't the best on the team, he still showed up most of the time to practice. And I will miss him. I will miss him. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Tony used to talk about how he wanted to get a turkey in bowling, which we all know because we're good bowlers is when you get three strikes in a row. Now, Tony never got that turkey, but I remember...

One Thanksgiving, he said that he was going home and that he was going to make a turkey or a chicken or something. And so I like to think that he really got that bird in death, if not in life. That's right. He's rolling turkeys up there in heaven, big dog. Are we sure that's where he went? Let's take his car. Let's open the door to his trailer. Yes. Okay.

I want to look for all the keys to the cars. Obviously, that's probably not in the dealership. Luckily, I am a locksmith. I would like to go up to the front door and try it. Okay, go for it. There's a big box that says, keys, keys, keys. That's really funny. Keys on van nine. Yeah, yeah, it's locked.

I really want you to pick a lock. I've rolled an 89 out of 70. Well, thank God the window... Hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't worry, team. I have been doing a lot of rock lifting. There's a rock here. I pick it up and I throw it through the front door. Well, thank God this window was open.

Also, you notice right after you throw the rock that the key was under the rock. What's a comedy of errors? The door swings open and you find yourself in the office of Tony Collette. There's a box here that says keys, keys, keys. Can we scan the car lot? Is there any car that's big enough for 10 people? No.

Does he sell a van? Is there like, you know, a utility van at all? That's a luck roll, I think. That's a luck roll regardless, right? Okay, so what are you looking for? Either one car that houses ten people or two cars that house five people each. Yes, and look at a 1950s utility van. Like, you know, like the Milkman. Okay. But instead of bottles of milk,

They'll be our friends and family. 1950s utility van. We don't care about seatbelts. Like as long as they can get in there. Somehow you guys find a minivan in the 1950s and the minivan trilogy is completed. This odyssey we're going on is going to be so sweet. Just for my own sake. Like what's our car? All right. As you step into Tony's office, you see it out the window gleaming in the sunlight as the dawn rises and you see a beautiful new whip.

The 1959... I'm looking this up. Bedford CA Dormobile Romney Caravan. Dormobile? D-O-R-M-O-B-I-L-E Romney, R-O-M-A-N-Y Caravan. Hell yeah. This is a classic...

Oh, shit! That's a van if I've ever seen one. That was Britain's answer to the VW camper van. Holy shit. Whoa, this thing's a chunky bulldog. Yo, that thing, the roof lifts up and makes like... An accordion. A room. Yeah, it lifts up like an accordion and makes like a room so you can like stand in it. So there you go. This van rules. It looks like the Blue Family stair car. Now, Freddy, did Tony paint anything stupid on this van? So I think he acquired it used, so I feel like it must have been...

a delivery vehicle or you know like well if it's a camper van this is like a family car yeah no it's that German family the German family came here to Peachyville and they road tripped a lot but then they lost their two kids in an accident and they couldn't look at their family van without remembering the death of their two children because there's painted on it two kids yeah so they traded it in and fucking Tony just fleeced them and gave them the shittiest two person car in return so yes it says Gunderson family van on the side oh

This van, it kind of looks like a pug. It does. It's got a pug vibe. And there's two adorable airbrushed children on the side of it. Aww. Which makes it look like that's its kill count. Oh, shit.

Oh, well, okay. Let's find it. All right. We can fit all of our family and friends in this thing. That is perfect for us. Let's find the keys. Probably in the keys, keys, keys box. Dude, I love this little submarine hole it's got at the back. Yeah, it rules. This thing rules. This is a sick whip. It's pretty cool. Okay, so yes, you- Our live shows, we're going to have to come in this car. We have to fly in this car. Yeah. Freddy, you said you needed a van. That's true. That's true. Where are the keys? Where are the keys? So I feel like the key, where would Tony have the keys? I think he has a box that says keys, keys, keys. Okay, so yes. Yeah, there's a big box on the table that says keys, keys, keys on it.

And there's one that has like six hours trying every single one. No, no. There's one that has like, you know, one of those like little plastic things that you can hold a photo in of this family of four. And then when you, when you open it, you hear a shotgun cocking. Unhand my keys.

You, Raffia, step back from the keys. The cops have been called. Tony, it's us. And Blake's the one that opened it, so I want to see Blake respond to this voice. Well, it seems to be coming from everywhere. Oh, it's just like the commercial. Ah, yeah. He's not really here. Tony? Is he alive? Oh, it's a recording. I said you need to drop everything you got and step away. Put your hands down. Tony, it's us. Your body down.

and your hands on top of your head immediately. I'm doing what you're asking. Look. Kelsey, watch this. Tony, if this is you and not a recording, say the word hamburger. He would never listen to you. Hamburger's from McDonald's. Oh, thank you. Okay, I guess it's him. His assistant. I get all the words and I put my hands on my head. No, I'm still not buying it. Tony, if this is you, tell us what you most liked about

on the guttural screams? You know, I should bring some of these hamburgers to my bowling team. Ah, I love it because they carry my ass. I don't have to throw anything. He knew. I just chuck it into the gutter and we still win. Isn't that crazy? It's a recording. And it's not a recording. It's not. Keep down. Oh, you fiend.

Keep your fucking hands where I can see them. This is a really long recording. This is like yards of reel-to-reel tape. Blake, just grab the key and let's just walk out of here. You're saying he is not here right now, but yet he seems to be watching. I'm watching you. I'm watching every move that you make. Kelsey's going to go grab the key. Get back down! I'm watching you.

Freddie, Freddie. Tony Collette's going to get one last roll. Give me a posthumous intimidate roll from Tony Collette. Oh, okay, okay. 53, that's a failure. Okay. Kelsey grabs the key for the Bedford Dorm. Hey, get back here. Get back here. Okay. Bye, Tony. The rest of you, stay down.

Tony, I didn't think that I would miss you, but I've found a space for you in my heart and you'll be there. One more word out of you and I'll

and I'll fucking pull it home. I want to roll spot hidden to see if I can see where this recording is. Sure, go ahead. A 12. There's like a fucking Dolby Atmos number of speakers in this room. Because it's all the car speakers. I want to know where the record, where's the tape? Where's the record? It's under his desk. It's just a reel-to-reel tape under his desk. I grab it. All of it. I grab the recording. I grab like if it's a cassette tape or whatever it is. It's a giant quarter-inch reel-to-reel tape. What does the recording say as he reaches for it? The action is

Well, I agree, Drew. I didn't think I would miss him, but it was nice to hear his voice again. Maybe.

Maybe someday we'll want to hear it again. Maybe, but not today. Not today. And I want to secretly throw it in the trash. Anybody else noticing? I got five. All right. Everyone else give me a spot hidden to see if you noticed Kelsey throwing. You're going to do super duper success, though. Yeah. I got a one. Did you really? Really?

That is crazy. So Blake knows. Nice. So Blake saw it. Blake saw it. I failed. I failed very badly. Actually, no, I succeeded. I just have a high spot hidden. I feel like with a super duper one, I feel like I should see something useful to us in the trash. Right? I know that you threw it away, but in the trash, what is there? Yeah, well, if I do something stupid and Freddy rolls really good, you should give him a little extra treat also.

Ah, there appears to be a fully loaded 1911 pistol in here. Sure. You have a gun. I'll take care of that. And then Trudy- Here's what- Sorry, hold on. Tony loves shooting guns. Here's what you find is that by sheer miracle, this did not go off, but Tony had also booby-trapped the recorder with a loaded 1911 pistol, and it's just fucking mere happenstance that it didn't blow fucking Kelsey's head clean off her shoulders. Yeah, I was pointing straight at where my head was.

I see that. I want to roll a sanity check knowing that I just... Yes. I should have died. If not for Tony's complete idiocy. I failed my sanity check. Roll 1d6. Five. Oh, my God. That sucks. I'm having a rough go of it. Kelsey, your mind is a very important thing to keep not fucked up. All right. Give me an intelligence roll, Matt. You want to fail this? I mean, I don't have a choice, Anthony. I don't know how to tell you. I want you to will it. Woo!

I got a 72 and my intelligence is 70. Okay, you would have snapped to another reality. We would have to deal with that again. I almost died. No, no, you did not see that. You did not see it. I

No, no, he's not. Only Blake. That is important. Only Blake. Only Freddie. Freddie rolled the dice. No, she got a success too. I succeeded. Did you beat Matt's super duper success? Yeah, I didn't get super duper success though. No, but I know. Everybody knows but Francis. So we have a van. We have the keys to a van. As you are clambering into the van, you see another van. Oh.

Oh, we could have gone that one. No. It's being driven. Oh. Somebody else already got it. That's what I see. Whenever I look at cars on the road, I'm like, I could have had that car. Oh, wait, someone's already in it. Don't look at somebody else's plate. Just focus on your own. Across the street, you see another van pulling into the parking lot of Tyrus's Golden Walk.

the Chinese restaurant that's across the street from Tony's. Tony lived like on the lot, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which immediately strikes you all as weird because- Nobody has Chinese food in Peachyville. No, it's a popular restaurant, but it hasn't opened for a couple hours. McDonald's isn't even open right now. Tyrus doesn't open till lunch. And you see four guys in bison masks get out of this van. If there was one more guy, it would be a different burger place. Ha ha ha.

Right? Right, Anthony? Because it's four guys, you see. But what if it was five guys? Don't laugh, Anthony. He said your name because he knew you'd laugh if he kept going hard on it. He did it. You gave it to him, Anthony. You gave it to him. You reinforced that. Oh, Anthony. You reinforced it. What did you do? Wow, good thing it wasn't that really expensive. Peanuts. So you see these guys get out and they start walking towards the front door of Tyrus's restaurant.

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Should we roll out quietly then? Yeah. I mean, we need to save our family. I don't know. And nobody picked him as part of their family we need to save, right? No. Tony or the bison? No, not the bisons. Tyrus. Tyrus. Who's Tyrus? Yeah. Exactly. Oh, yes. He wasn't part of our ten. No. We got to do what we got to do. So get rid of all the cops, though. Let them know that the four people are showing up. Sure. But the cops appear to be on the side of the bad guys.

guys. I guess they'd already know that that's happening then. We need to stay quiet and stealthy. Let's watch. Let's get in the van and roll up there and just watch to see if we could watch from here. Okay, but if they see us, would you rather be like, oh, they saw us. Now we got to run to the van and drive away. We're in the van right now, Kelsey. Let's get closer. Why? Roll the van up. What are you crazy? Let's just go home. Okay. Let's just wait for them to go inside and then we leave. I hear three different things we all want to do.

Who is driving the van? Trudy's driving the van. Trudy, what does Trudy do? Trudy pulls a wire out of the... God, Trudy, we do have the keys. I know, but I'm going to start the car in a special quiet way that only robots know how to do.

Hell yeah. So what are you doing? She's starting the car in a quiet way. At the part of the car where the wires are near the wheel, what is that called again? The steering column? You got it. The steering column, yes. She pulls a wire out of the steering column and then is about to hot wire the car, but then she pulls an additional wire in, the quiet wire. Yeah.

And then starts the car using those wires. I guess we call this an electrical repair roll. Holy shit. We're actually using electrical repair. Okay. About time. I'm sure Beth put a ton of points in.

Fuck off! Fuck off! I have 20 and I got a 12. Yay! All right. Yeah, you find the quiet wire, which was standard in every car back in the 50s so that husbands could sneak out on their wives and go gamble and have affairs. And yeah, the car silently turns on, I guess. Okay. Okay.

Get in. We're getting out of here. Okay, we're already in. Okay, yay. Are we just going? Okay, so, Trudy, are we going to watch the Bisons or are we just going to go get our family? Well, I guess we can watch for...

Six Mississippi and then go get our family. Okay, I like that. We'll roll really quietly. One Mississippi. On the first Mississippi, you see Tyrus approach the front door and then he looks confused. He's like, who are these guys? Oh, no, no. I feel bad for Tyrus is the problem. Two Mississippi. On the second Mississippi, Tyrus opens the door a crack and one of the Bisons kicks the door open.

Yeah, they're going to kill him. Three Mississippi. On three Mississippi, Tyrus tries to scramble away, but two of them grab him from behind. Guys, are we going to kill these fuckers or are we going to run? Four Mississippi. Well, we have to wait to all six Mississippis, Francis. On four Mississippi, one of the bisons runs up to the van and opens the door. Five Mississippi.

The bison's drag Tyrus kicking and screaming as he says, help! Help! Somebody help! Into the van. Do we want to save Tyrus? Team, out of character. Trudy floors it. She's just going to floor it towards the bodies. On six Mississippi. Yeah, on six Mississippi. You turn the van. Everybody buckle your seatbelts. All right, everyone gets one Mississippi to buckle their seatbelts, including, well, that's a good question. Did this car have seatbelts? I was checking if this car had seatbelts. Let's find out.

Let's find out together. I have a feeling I know. I don't see any in this diagram. And I think Ralph Nader wasn't around yet. I'm looking at the interior. Oh, Ralphie didn't come and tell everybody we need to have a robot.

on your fucking body. And some of the seats are like sideways, like a couch. I see a sink. I see a sink. Oh, good. I can hit my head on that. We can hit our head on. Oh, I see seatbelts, but this is a 1966 Bedford Dormobile Romney. The 1963 one decidedly did not have seatbelts. I don't

think they would have had seatbelts and then taken them away. And then put them back. Seatbelts are back at Bedford. Here at Bedford, we're happy to pronounce that we're bringing seatbelts back. Three years of seatbelts, two years of automobile damage, now we're

Back to the way we did it. Whoa, the way back in 19... It only took us two years to realize we were wrong. No, it was a new Coke move where they realized everyone would be more excited if they brought seatbelts back. Oh, wait. Yes, what Beth? I'm going to try to slam on the brakes, go out the windshield and use my body as a missile. What? Okay. Like in the beginning of the first X-Men movie. Or like how Tony Collette did it. Where... Oh. That's how you order him. Yeah, never mind. Oh, wow. Just because Tony did it, you don't want to do it anymore? What?

Well, I didn't remember. I didn't want to repeat stuff. Stop repeating. Yeah, like in X-Men when Rogue's like, you should put on your seatbelt. And then Wolverine's like, no. And then they slam on the brakes and he goes. He yeets out. So you're going to yeet out. I'm going to yeet out. Cool. Okay. You sure about this, Beth? No, I mean, I remember what happened to you. So now I'm having doubts, but I didn't want to hurt my friends. I was so fucked up that I eventually died.

But you're a robot. But I'm a robot. And you already killed your archenemy. So if you die now, it's fine. It's fine. And you can't die. We'll just plug you back in or whatever. Oh, yeah, your son. Yeah. Well, it'll be like 1917. We're like, oh, the brother's going to find his brother, right? No. And we'll take care of your son. It'll probably be the last in line of the people we take care of, just realistically. Obviously, we take care of our own families first, right? I'm still confused about how I feel about my mom and my dad because they gave me a Nazi gun. Yeah.

We don't have to save them. That's one or two less people. I think we should try. First, let's do the drive auto to successfully slam on the brakes and not crash into the car. Love that. I got an 11. It's a 10. I'm going to use luck. They treat it as falling damage, by the way. Okay. 1d6 per 10 feet. So I'm going to use the point of my luck. So now I have 39 luck. What do you do with the car? I slam and then turn it in a really cool way. And...

fly out my open driver's side window. Oh, sick. Okay, so this is like a drift move to come to a halt and then use the momentum. The parking brake was used. Okay, sick. So yes, you successfully accomplished the maneuver. Everybody in the car, give me either a strength or a dexterity. Roll whichever you would like to try to hang on and not get knocked around inside this thing. Oh no. I got you, buddy. Sick.

75, but I got a 96. Is that a fumble? Yeah, it's a fumble. That's a fumble. Okay, we'll deal with you in a second. My dexterity is 60, and I got a 24, so that's a super success. My dexterity is 57, and I got a 14. Jesus. Okay, so you guys all did great. Milton and BB also succeeded on hanging on for dear life. You fumbled, so here's what we're going to say. Again? Yes. Another...

Another time my character is being thrown from a vehicle? Two missiles are thrown through this car. Trudy gracefully... Like Trinity in the Matrix. Like Trinity in the Matrix. We haven't gotten to the landing yet. We don't know if she's going to stick the landing, but you've successfully sailed... It was like the animals in RRR. Yes, it's like in RRR, like just two humans diving through. Tigers. All these bisons in the middle of dragging Tyrus into this car, and then they hear this screech, and then they see this big honking minivan pull up to them, and Tokyo drifts sideways...

and then a housewife launching through it Superman-style like a missile. And then they also see a split second later a hulking, swede, Finnish-Norway guy blasting through a glass window. Do you still have the skull on your head? With a pterodactyl skull. Marbles! Oh yeah, Marbles is in there. Oh no! Marbles will never like me now. Let the dice decide his fate.

It is not a cruel game if we suddenly fear because a cat could die. You must let the dice decide. Do you still have the helmet on? Yeah, I think so. Okay, that's great. That's good for you. Hey, everybody listening to this, wear a helmet. Wear a helmet. Wear a helmet. When you're driving your car. When you, with no seatbelts, pull an e-brake maneuver. I mean, in many ways, Marbles is the helmet that will protect his head. Just saying. Okay. Marbles is in the helmet. Are we in Carcaboo fucked up shit or not? I'm just saying. Is that kind of danger or not? Something that should happen to Marbles. It could happen to somebody else.

else. Beth, in the seventh Mississippi, as you're both flying through the air, you catch for a glimpse of marbles clinging onto Blake for dear life and glaring at you. Marbles will remember that Trudy did this. Blake, give me a 1d4 of damage for going through the glass window. Ouch. Two. Give me a dexterity roll with disadvantage since you were caught unawares to land on the ground. You don't want to fumble this because if you fumble it, you will land headfirst on marbles. I roll the two.

And then a 100. I don't think we can do this. You made the decision, Beth. The one thing I bring up is I'm still mad that we didn't kill the snake when I rolled bad. Because you all were like, we didn't kill the snake. Yeah, I still remember that. Because at one time, people were like, do you guys ever fudge dice? We're like, yeah. One time, Daryl killed a snake. But you all went, you can't kill a snake. So we re-rolled it.

We got 100. I don't want marbles to die. I want the dice to be sacred. The dice will decide marbles' fate. We should figure out how many lives marble has left. That's true. One. By all cats. No, we have established that Tony, who was a cat. That was a magical cat. But we did see in the last episode that marbles merged with some sort of other marbles, if you guys remember. Oh, yeah. Some merger marbles. Some sort of other kid.

Let's start with Freddie. You land on your head. Ow. Blake is...

I have a helmet? Yes, you land helmet first on your head. You know what they say, big brittle skull helmets are truly the best. Well, no, but think about it. The skull will break, which is good. The skull is the original helmet that we all have on. Right? But now, I always wear my helmet, but I have another helmet. You're right. You have another skull in a soft, squishy crumple zone between that skull and you, known as a cat. Yeah.

Let's see what happens to the skull. How much HP do you guys think the human head has? Not as much as you'd think. The human head? We'll say the skull gives you two points of armor. What was he rolling for when he got 100? That was his dexterity to land gracefully on his feet, in which case all of this would have been avoided. Unfortunately, he fumbled, so I feel like that means he goes head first. Head first. Into the ground. Head first.

And there's a skull, and a cat is in between the skull and Freddy's head. Here's how we're going to do this. I think Marbles should be able to do a dexterity to try to leap out of the helmet first. That would hurt me. Yeah? Let's see what people care about more, plague or marbles. You're right. Marbles is also going to get a dexterity roll, seeing that he's in a perilous situation. Or she. He or she. I think it's a boy. It's a boy cat. Okay, first thing we're going to do.

is roll your damage to see how crunchy this hit is. So give me, what did you say it was 1d6 per 10 feet? It was about, yeah. I mean, you're going head first out of a car. This is pretty bad. And you landed on your head. How much HP do you have? Eight. Okay. Okay.

Are we going to lose another front ready character by falling through a goddamn car? Now it's bad. I just kind of reverted to my old ways and did something dumb and whimsical. And I'm sorry. I forgot that there were consequences that are real. Here's what we're going to do. He's so funny. Your helmet is one HP of damage. It absorbs. Roll a 1d8.

Four. Now we're going to give Marbles a dexterity roll to see if Marbles dodges out of the way. In the split second between the helmet crunching and you crunching into Marbles, can Marbles nimbly dodge out of the way of this? Is that going to be a D100? That's going to be a, yeah. Can I roll it? Can you roll it? So I know first. That's only fair. Okay, yes. Here's what I'm going to say.

Even for a cat, this is a pretty wild roll. Yeah. So we're going to say this is a hard success. That means I have to roll twice? No, you don't have to roll twice. You just have to get under half. Would you say a cat is similarly dexterous to a dog? No. Way more dexterous. Way more. Marble's dexterity is 80, we'll say. Okay. You've got to get less than a 40. You've got to beat a 40. Okay. Oh my God. Oh my God. He's going to pay. I got a 12. Oh my God.

Okay. So you don't think I'm lying. I believe you. I believe you. I've never fucking fucked a girl. So Marbles, with lightning quick reflexes, screeches, manages to fucking shoot straight out of this thing and narrowly avoid the ground, which is rapidly taken up by Blake's head. Oh, right. That's the guy we're worried about.

And Blake, you're now going to take the rest of that damage. So you rolled a four? Yeah. So you take three damage. God. I'm down to five. You're down to five health? Jesus. Beth! Should have held on, bro. I'm sorry. And where did Blake, did he just hit the ground? Did I hit them? At least? Because we were aiming at them, right? I mean, no, you fumbled. You fumbled. I do that thing where I hit the side of the car and I go, ooh, and my whole body's like stuck for a second. It goes, beep.

What's your max HP? Max HP? 14. 14. Okay, good. Then you don't go unconscious. Ow. Wait, why do you have... Because I'm at full health pretty much. We fought in the fucking... Library. Library, dude. In the library. And you got hurt. And I'm sorry. Okay.

And I'm sorry about that. Triti, give me a dexterity roll. Okay, I got a 50 and my dexterity is a 25. So that's a fail. Yep. So you are going to sail past the person that you... As I sail past, I hit mole number 39. Mole number 39. Give me a luck roll. I fail. What should mole number 39 do? It creates a beautiful pillow in a soft landing somewhere else. Yeah.

Yes, a pillow shoots out of your back and hits marbles in the face. Give me a 1d6 damage roll for hitting the ground. Two. All right, I guess we're starting combat then. Oh, shit. Oh, no, I'm sorry, guys. I just thought I was going to be a silly little guy. I didn't think about what I was doing. I mean, there's nothing sillier than getting us into combat. I forgot something important because I started the Journey of Senses. I had this other fact I was going to do many times, but I was doing Journey of Senses, which is I forget when at some point,

Because we kept messing up my size and everything. Regardless, Kelsey, sorry to say, and this does not diminish her as a person because age is just a number, did indeed turn 50 during this time. Yes. So I did reduce all of her stats. Oh, you did? Okay. Is that a thing in the game? Yes. That's why I originally had her at 49. Oh, wow. Because it's pretty vicious, like the stat loss. Oh, I didn't know that. But I wanted her to be 50 always. Okay. So my dex is 57.

now. I think I used to be like 65 or 70. Oh, okay. So I don't know if you had it before, but my dex is 57. Did you still pass your dexterity or strength roll? Yeah, I've been looking at 57, but for you, because I know that's an order. Thank you for your honesty. Nobody noticed. Nobody knows my birthday though. Because he remembers. As if I wasn't

Trudy, you fly and you crash into the ground, scuffing yourself up as you roll across the pavement. The Bisons look at you guys, baffled, and then realize who you are. And the rest of you are inside the car. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's okay, Trudy. Blake, you are up first. I would like to try and bait one of these guys to check on me by being like...

You think they're going to be like, oh, is he okay? Well, how close am I to them? Pretty close. Like, you're at their feet. Because she slammed the car right at the... Oh, I'm at the feet. Yeah. I'm at the feet. I go, call an ambulance. Okay, give me a... But not for me! And I spin around and I unload!

I just started shooting, baby. It's blasting time, baby. Oh, fuck yeah. So anyway, I started blasting. Remember, you also have your whip chain knife as well. I know, but I got a gun right now, dude. I'm weaponed out. I'm like a teenager after leaving the mall, bro. Now, point blank, do I get bonus on that?

Oh, God. I'm like right there. I believe you do. I do. I believe I do. If the target is a point blank range within a fifth of the shooter's dexterity in feet, you get a bonus die on your roll. 12. Okay, great. 12 out of 20. You shoot this guy. Roll a 1d10 plus 2. Fuck yeah, dude. That's what I'm talking about. 1d10. Take him down to one, baby. Plus 2, 5. You hit his leg.

Okay, kablamo! You fucking pop a slug right in this guy's fucking leg. And he clutches his leg and drops to the ground screaming in pain. So he's right next to me. Yes. Welcome to my level. I got a second shot right ready to go where his head is. Okay, great. It is now going to be the bison's turn.

So we'll start with him. So this is one of the guys that was ready to rock to tune up Tyra. So he's got these brass knuckles on. After he falls to the ground, he's going to take a jab at you with his brass knuckles. I buy that they were already on his hand too. That makes sense. Yeah. What would you like to do, Freddie? I'll fight back. So he rolled a 20, which is a super success. I roll a 48, normal success. Okay. So he is going to clock you with these babies. I'm about to be fucked.

up, boys. Okay. I'm sorry. It's funny when it's your decision, but this one is just sad. I'm sorry. Now he knows it's funny again. Yeah. It's okay, Beth. You're just giving the people what they want.

So that's one damage plus one is two plus two plus four. You take six damage. I'm dead. I died. I have five damage. I have zero damage. You're not dead. You're not dead. You're unconscious and you are dying. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm negative one. I'm sorry. Marbles lived. That's all that matters. That's what matters.

Next, Freddie will play Marbles and then he'll die. To clarify, Marbles definitely ran off into the woods. Like, Marbles did not stay around for us. He's gone? There's no... If you were a cat... If you were a cat...

And you were flown out of a car by these people who essentially kidnapped you. And you got launched out of the helmet. And you watch that guy. You were just, you're gone. Yeah. My cats would stay with me. Your cats, because they love you and they know you. This cat's out of here. This cat was scrambling as fast as it could. And it saw a squirrel. It followed it. And now it's found a new friend. You know what? It found a woman named Beth May. And now it's living with her. No, stop trying to make me laugh.

It's roaming free. It's roaming free. Annihilating the bird population. Yes. It's doing great stuff. Blake Lively. Yes. You're, you, the last thing you see for now is a fist. Is a big meaty fist smashing straight into your face. And the lights begin to go out. And you see marbles running off into the woods. And you see marbles running towards the woods. And I see Tony from heaven beckoning me.

Come. Come join me. You go unconscious. It is now the other three Bisons turns. The other three Bisons. Two of them are going to try to finish you off. Fucking two to the head. Double check. Triple tap. Make sure that he's down. Fuck, you can't have somebody coming up behind him.

Everyone knows when you fight a raid boss, you got to go for the ads first. The sort of leader bison. You can tell he's a leader. He's a little bigger than the other ones. That's how they decide. Says, secure the package. And then he is going to kick Trudy in the face. That's who you were just yelling at. So think about that. Are you going to try to dodge this or fight back?

I will fight back. Give me a fighting brawl roll then. This is my fight song. Oh, no. No. I hear a fight song by Katy Perry and I fail. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Ooh, an 11. An 11? What kind of success is that? I have a 35, so I think that is a good success. That's a super success. Okay. Just barely. So he goes to kick you. What do you do to turn the tables on him? I retcon this entire episode, and I pull from my pocket something that I took from the dead body that was eviscerated, and it's a...

Something that I would have picked up. Take your time. Oh, you didn't have this planned out. You're figuring it out right now. Yeah, I'm literally figuring it out. I've got part of it figured out and it's a whammy, but I can't figure out the other part of it. I'm going to say it's a wallet. It's a wallet. Okay. But it's covered in blood and viscera and the haunted last remains of

Of Buddy Betts of Betts Buys Electronics? Yes. Okay. I know where it's going. I like stop his foot with my hand in the wallet because the wallet is very like squishy and soft and absorbs a lot of that blow. Okay. And while I'm throwing my hand out, some of the viscera gets in his eyes. It's just like...

Like venom. Like venom. Okay, so he gets this blood in his eyes and we'll say he trips and falls? He's just, you know, he knows I mean business. He doesn't need to trip and fall. I don't think she's done yet. There's another piece to this, isn't there? I think this is it. Matt, that's the worst thing you could have said. Why is it? Because there's no other piece to it. Oh.

I'm not even gonna explain where my mind was going. You do damage to him by doing this, because when you fight back, you do damage. I absorb his blow with that stolen wallet that I will explain why I have it, and it's covered in blood and viscera, and the blood and viscera slinks through the air into his eyes, and then maybe he sees the last moments, because it's haunted blood.

A lot. It's a lot. We'll see if he allows it. A lot. You already got quiet wire today. Let's see how she pushes it. Death, unless they weren't buddies, in which case it's just this stranger. Beth has fallen into the very common trap of thinking that talking more will make it more likely. And then he trips and he's embarrassed. What if she...

What if your friend was dead and you tripped and you got blood in your eyes and you were pregnant and you fell down?

We're going to go ahead and give him a 1d6 for the fall damage he's going to take from this. That's a five. So hold on. That's as much as a gunshot. He felt real bad on his head. He was real embarrassed. He's 73 also. He's 73 also. Yeah. He wangs his head very hard into the ground. Dang. I mean, hey, one bad fall. Yeah. And he cracks his head real, real nasty like.

There are two more Bisons. They are going to grab Tyrus and try to throw him into the van. Do we see anybody in the driver's seat of the van? No, they all got out. Okay, cool. They chuck him into the van. That's what they're going to do on their turn. Okay. And Tyrus is unable to resist them as they push him into the open van. It is now Francis's turn. Francis is going to leap out of the car.

Okay. Yeah. It seems like something naughty is happening. What is going on? Yeah. Oh.

Oh, I like this, Francis. Yes, I like this quite a bit. Fine, go ahead. Shoot the van. Perfect. So yeah, just jamming it up next to the tire and pulling the trigger. Okay, easy peasy. Kaboom. Tire blown out. A definite gunshot ripping through the air. It is now Kelsey's turn. Oh, I'm 50 now. Everything hurts. My character sheet is ravaged.

I can do nothing. I have to apologize to our 50-year-old listeners. I might as well be dead at this age. No! You got a whole life ahead of you. 50 is the new 90. Just put me away. It's not that bad. I do lose a lot of stats. Hey, what was that spell you did? You said you could learn a spell. Yeah, I have a spell now.

But I'm trying to find the right time to use it. But then unfortunately, I think I had the right time to use it. But then somebody decided to slam on the brakes and shoot themselves out the window. But I was trying not to blame her like Freddie was. So don't worry. I got a spell idea. I didn't know who you're talking about. The episode was so much fun and so whimsical. You're going to need to describe why you like this Chinese restaurant guy so much. There was just something kind in his eye.

I didn't have anybody else to save. Well, it cut me deep inside and I just wanted one more person in my little sphere. And I'm sure that the bus can seat 11, but I didn't think about that until we already got over here. And I will explain why I stole that wallet from that dead man. And you just have to be patient because it will be a very good explanation.

Good explanation. Inspired by Trudy's words. To be fair, I don't think any of us, at least I didn't think so. We were all for saving him. No. It was just specifically the way he's kind of okay with driving away. Oh, damn. I wanted to save him. Okay. Kelsey is going to...

switch seats and get into the driver's seat. Okay. Because she was still in the seat. She was still in the car. Valid. And I'm going to drive towards whoever is like available for me to run over. That's what I'm doing. You guys are perpendicular with the driver's side facing their car. Okay. It would be real hard to run someone over from the other side. Because they're on like the opposite side of the car.

the van. Yeah, because they're essentially two of them are now throwing Tyrus into the van. I mean, there must have been a line of sight somewhat for Trudy to have been shooting herself towards the Bisons. Yeah, but remember, she was launching out the driver's side window. Yeah, so I'm going to turn right. But if you like open a door, you fuck somebody up. You just like fucking open a door and

weren't like yeah but she traveled some distance i can turn a car 90 degrees i can make a perpendicular car dickular thank you i can make a parallel car perpendicular now oh no it was perpendicular now you can make a parallel i'm driving at them oh you want to drive at them i'm driving at them who can i run into i think they're all blocked by the van at the angle we're coming here let me draw it for you okay and then we can you draw me and i'll decide what i want to do in this cool car i got now

Don't worry, guys. I'm about to make Kelsey the most popular character.

Kelsey drives into the woods and runs over mittens. No! The opposite. It's not mittens, it's a marble. It's not mittens, you fool! You monster! Yeah. Marbles. I don't care. Oh, I'm Anthony. I call marbles mittens. I'm doing an hour stand-up. I pretend like I don't care. That sounds just like me, incidentally. Here's Blake, who will be an ex. And here's the guy next to Tony. Hold up for me. I can see it from there.

I'm going to drive straight towards the woods and then pick up marbles like in Raising Arizona when they pick up the bag of diapers. And I'm going to put marbles in the car. You're going to go get the cat? Yep.

Because people love the cat. You're going to get the cat? You're just going to run away from your friends? I'm not going to run away. I'm going to turn around. Sometimes you guys drive forward to turn around to get the distance. I see. So this is a two-part maneuver. This is a two-part maneuver. You're doing a three-point cat turn. You're doing a three-point cat turn. Three-point cat turn. We will say on this turn, you can go get marbles. That will be your turn. But I do want to roll to see if I get them or run them over. Because what I'm doing is hard, and I feel like the dice should be rolled. Before we roll, what is your drive auto skill?

I guarantee you Matt did not know that was a skill. No, I did. And it's 75. Wow. This whole time? This whole time. Okay, give me a drive auto roll. This is to pull up right next to the cat. A 60. We're fine. Okay. So you speed off towards the cat. You pop the door open and lean out and grab the cat. And be like, get in. Get in. Okay.

You all right, shotgun. I cock my shotgun and I toss it to marbles. You take them all the way out. It crushes. Look, if Beth gets to do what she wants to do. All right, give me a dexterity roll to grab this cat. 39. What's your dexterity? Oh, 657. Oh.

Okay, so yes, you scoop marbles up into your hand, and I'll just throw you a bone, so you expertly spin the car back around. Fuck yeah, and I'm pointing at the enemies. Now you're pointing at the enemies. With a new cat that's mine now. Well, how does marbles look at me? Marbles is just goes... Marbles is pretty freaked out right now. I hear you, kid. That's what I say to marbles. Okay, it's...

If Marbles likes Kelsey, if Marbles like immediately bonded with Kelsey, I don't know what I would do. Tyrus is going to try to break out from these two guys. He does not succeed. We can't help people. They can't help themselves. Am I in the way of the car? Should I get out of the way? We'll deal with it when that comes up.

Milton is going to go. Milton is in the car with you. So Milton's going to be like, oh, Kelsey, what's going on? I mean, man, Kelsey, what's going on? What's going on? Just hold on tight because there's some bad guys and we're going to save my friends and hold on to marbles and just hold on tight.

Okay, he fumbles around and then BB grabs onto him. He's like, it's okay, we're going to be all right. Just hang on. I tell them to remove the cushions of the sideways facing seat of this vehicle and then kind of put themselves in between the oven and the back of the driver's seat. And I say, like, push themselves. Like, so get all the cushions in between you. So BB's like, Kelsey, Ms. Grammer, not to backseat drive, but Milton and I need to be in the car for this.

Oh. I stopped the car. Get out. Run to the woods. Okay. Take marbles with you. And

And I said the three of them out. He slashes BB in the face and runs into the forest again. Milton and BB hop out. Marbles is too scared to go with them. I toss Marbles to the kids. Throw Marbles. Yeah, take this cat. I can't let this cat fly out the window like Blake. I don't know what I was thinking. Milton and BB run. Marbles, extremely confused, goes flying out of the car again and just sitting on the ground. I threw it at BB. BB goes, ah, and dodges it out of the way of this screaming cat.

Who lands on the ground and clings to the ground. What the fuck happened to Kelsey? Kelsey lost it. Okay, it is now Trudy's turn. Do bisons have horns? Yeah. I'm going to take the bison mask and use it as a weapon against them. Oh, okay. He's on the ground. You're going to have to pull it off of his head.

Okay. So give me a dexterity roll for that first. Shouldn't it be a strength? You can do strength instead if you'd rather. I think I will. I fail. So you're grappling with this guy over his helmet. Yeah. Blake.

Nothing. I'm unconscious. So, no, you do have one thing to do. What is that? Death save. Give me a constitution saving throw. Six. Okay, so you pass? Yeah, super duper success. Okay. All right, it is the bison's turn again. We'll start with the guy that Blake shot.

who gets up and is clutching his bleeding leg, sees this kid with a car 98 and Kelsey gunning the engine of this minivan ready to paste him. He sees his burly boss grappling with Trudy and figures that he's going to be okay for a second. He's going to make a break for it. He runs around to the driver's seat of the van and turns on the engine. And when it's his turn again, he's going to stop it and peel out of there. We're going to do the big guy first. He's going to do a fighting maneuver.

and basically you guys are grappling over his mask, he's just going to turn to the side and let you fall to the ground and grab the mask at the same time. Like he's basically going to let you take it and try to trip you at the same time. Okay. Are you going to fight back, dodge, or try to do like a counter maneuver against him? If he's moved so that the mask...

comes off easily i will try to make it so that the mass stabs him when it comes off let's call that a fight back then because that feels like you're trying to injure him uh so give me a fighting maneuver oh i got 36 and i have a 35 fighting brawl okay i guess i'll spend a luck give me a 1d4 plus two plus your damage bonus oh plus 1d4 yes holy shit

Plus four. Four plus two plus four? Yes. So that's ten damage? Yes. Okay, so yeah. You rip the mask off. You plunge it into the stomach of this guy who gasps and starts to collapse. And then you look up and lock eyes with him. And it's Ed Farnsworth, Francis's father. Oh, we only have to pick up nine people. In the broken sky.

I can see as a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today

Thanks so much for listening. You want more? You can have more on our Patreon, starting at just $5 a month. While you folks here on the main feed get a new episode every two weeks on the Patreon feed, you get a little thing in between those episodes. It's called The Peach Pit. It's an after show where we talk about the episode we just recorded, as well as get into juicy listener questions such as...

Queen Queen asks, I thought this was a fun one. If Dungeons and Daddies was just a podcast with just five copies of the members, whose copies would be the funniest, have the most interesting story, or would just be arguments? If the podcast was just five Anthony's, what would it be like? Oh God. Uh,

Or if it was just Five Freddies. Like, this is an interesting thought experiment. I would love Five Mats. I feel like Five Freddies would be genuinely interesting. And I feel like Five Beths would be... You and I are just like... The Five Beths podcast would be called Love That. Love That. This is why I listen to Five Beths. You guys listen to Five Beths? You don't even listen to one Beth on this podcast.

You can get all of that and more starting at just $5 a month at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Go to the website. Take a look. We have stuff on offer. See if that tickles your fancy. Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold. That's Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Burch is Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos is our DM. Beth May is Trudy Trout and myself. Freddie Wong is Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Sydney Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. And Travis Reeves and Omar Romalino provide additional editing. This show is supported by our Patreon, and those people who are supporting this show have names like Dorian, Holger Jonvik, Gabriel Björgvinsson, Matteo Ganod, Ryan Cole, Typical Molehill, Jim Weiglein, Gentleman Jacked, Brockton Nuns, Gabriel Henderson, Elliot McG, Christian Tevik, iHeartRadio,

I can see his own in the stars

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay All that I can see is a hundred stars Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far But I'll stay

Give me an unarmed strike role or whatever the equivalent of that is in this game we play. That's the first time I've heard you give up on a rule. You only do 20 episodes.