S3 Ep. 22 - Clancy Meeting You Here
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That's a lot of people. Mm-hmm.

While keeping the independent quirky vibe has always set them apart from other cookie cutter conventions. We're not like the other conventions. When the vibe is quirky, dude. They got organized play sessions, open gaming areas running day and night. Me and my wife noticed your quirky vibe on Cosplay.

Me and my wife let's go to the open gaming section. Game designer showcases, indie TTRPG publisher demos, Dungeon Master Battle Royales, and also live play events. It's not just a gaming-only event. Fan Fusion Phoenix is a complete pop culture experience. You've got an artist alley, celebrity guests, show off your cosplay, shop unique vendors, attend panels, or join after-hours parties. Okay, so yeah, that's when the fusion happens. Anthony, I'm not in this world, but it feels like there's a lot of hints being dropped for people that are...

More open. Yeah. Am I hearing that vibe? Matt, this next line is really going to cement it for you, buddy. Quote. Drop your keys in the bowl. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Audible, where you can listen to Sunrise on the Reaping, the anticipated new audiobook in the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins. Yummy, yummy. I didn't know they were doing another book. It's about the legendary survivor young Hamish Abernathy. Ooh.

It's Woody Harrelson, right? Oh, it's Woody Harrelson's character. Oh, yeah, it's the second prequel. Yeah. So it's the world of Panem, 24 years before the original Hunger Games series. Wow. Susan Collins is a real one. Yeah. There are books, and then she's like, yeah, I'm not going to write another one until I've got something to say. Yeah. I don't need to make more money. And then she had something else to say, so she said it. Yeah, and now she's writing a new one. Narrator's Jefferson White already got a film announced. Oh, cool. It's the 50th annual Hunger Games.

And guess what? Everyone's scared. The 50th? Everyone's scared of them Hunger Games. You don't know why? Because twice as many tributes this year. They're going all out. Oh, because it's a quarter quell. I hate that I know that. It's wild to be like, hey, we're going to go to all the milestone Hunger Games and do a book about it. That's pretty cool. I dig it. Experience the worldwide best dog series in a whole new way. Go to audible.com slash sunrise and listen with the world.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups, and this is actually an especially rowdy episode. So we ask that you have a look at the content warnings in our show notes for details. Do you ever feel empty? Like there's a hole in your heart that grows whiter every day, threatening to suck you into its event horizon until there's nothing left?

That means you're hungry for ice cream! I'm Francis Farnsworth and I work at the One-Handed Jerk, so named because all of our glasses are slim enough that you can hold them with a single hand. We've got so many new flavors you won't believe your eyes! You'll be screaming bloody murder at our peachy villain cream float! I finally learned what I am. I'm an absolute monster.

A Cookie Monster, that is! Our new Hydroxin Cream Sundae will have your eyes popping out of your head! Now I know what you're thinking. "Oh, Francis, what did you do? You scooped out my eye!" Scream, you scooped my ice cream, and you're darn tootin' right! With our patented Sharpened Scoops, your ice cream will be smooth as silk, no matter how rocky the road gets. And don't forget our seasonal flavors like Bruin Hilda Banana and Morley Ambiguous Parents Pecan. They won't be here forever, if I have anything to say about it.

So come on down to the one-handed jerk, where if you use your left hand, it's like someone else is holding the milkshake. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This show is not a BDSM podcast. This season we're doing Call of Cthulhu. This is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast. About four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness. Where? In suburban 1950s America. That's where. Do you think our pitch should include what we're not? I don't know.

I'm just saying, like, you don't start Star Wars, it's like, Star Wars! Not Star Trek. It's like a weird, like, hey, what's your elevator pitch? But to be fair, imagine if season three of Star Trek was Star Wars. Yeah, they would start. We would both make a space. To both go. No, we're not.

before, but to a new thing, a new show called Star Wars. If you're expecting Darth, he's not showing up this time. Old Darth and Jar Jar and R2 and C3 to you and all your favorite friends aren't here. Okay? My name is Freddie Wong. I play deep thinking plumber Blake Lively. Blake's fact this week, Blake has never been to space.

But he's looked longingly upon the stars and he's thought to himself through many battles of World War II. And in the time since he was like, if only I could fly into space, I would be a good spaceman. Does he want to be like a space guy? He does. Yeah. Does that mean he wants to live in space forever? Or what's the. He wants to be the first person in space because at this time, nobody's been to space. Correct. He wants to go and come back. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. This is not like everybody else. Yeah.

He's not special. That's why he's an all-American man. That is odd that, like, before astronauts, you never would have, like, dreamed of going to space and coming back. It would just be like, you're in space now. Because you probably wouldn't have considered, like... I think somebody probably thought of the idea of going to space and coming back. No! His name was Jules Verne. I don't think so.

I mean, to be fair, that's how humanity spread from Africa. We never went back anywhere. We just kept going forward. You never go back. You only go one direction. Sometimes the ice age ends and the land bridge is gone. Oh, take a land bridge. It was here just a minute ago. Can you imagine? The caveman, the last guy across the land bridge. Hey, what the fuck? No, I swear to God, there was a thing. We just spent four months walking across it. What?

George, you said there was going to be a land bridge here. I swear it was here last week.

God, that's my cousin Og. Never asks for directions. I don't know what I'm doing. Let's go. We got a podcast to do. I was wrong. It's good that we tell people this is not a D&D podcast before we start. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's snappiest and happiest schoolmarm. And you know what she always says right before a test. It's not about the grade. It's about just doing your best. And then I will sign a letter to how good your best was compared to everybody else's best. Love it. Is Kelsey great on the curve? Fuck no. Fuck no.

What curve? What does fucking communism do? Do you think they have curves in the 50s? I signed you a number. That's socialism, man. It implies she might not be a good teacher, too. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, you don't need a curve when you fucking calibrate your lessons perfectly to get that curve naturally. I am the curve. A kid gets an F and you think that of me? So, yes, I got through the census, and we'll go back to a normal Kelsey fact. So I was thinking I'll do favorite word. Okay. So her favorite word is...

vestibular as in a vestibular sensory system as in the sixth sense the sense of balance so her favorite sense of balance

Just sitting in a rocking chair. That feeling of rocking just feels really... I love a good rocking chair. Fuck it, she loves a rocking chair. I don't run into many of those these days. You don't see a lot of rocking chairs anymore. They're supposed to be really good for you. Yeah, they're supposed to be super good for you. And apparently, like, kids not having access to swings is pretty bad, too. Really? Wait, why? What about the aspect of going back and forth? It's cathartic and super...

and soothing to rock. Sensory stuff is important. Yeah. Yeah, and there's a certain sensation of the swinging and stuff. What about the sense of fucking getting a victory royale in a Fortnite? Yeah, what about the sense of you and your four Benjamin Franklin gamer rocking chair? Oh, shit! Gamer!

The fucking grandmas knew how long they were fucking doing their knitting. I know this already exists. I know this already exists. Did you know that Ben Franklin actually invented the gamer rocking chair? They do exist in the way that is not what we're thinking. No, those aren't. I want an old, tiny, wooden gaming rocking chair. Yeah, they're the ones that go straight on the ground. If you guys remember those. No, they gotta have the bowed legs. Yeah, and they need to be made of craft oak.

Realamish.com, you can call the Amish and they'll make furniture for you. That rules. Studly Amish carpenters want to chat with you about furniture that you want to build at realamish.com. They have a game room chair for sale, and let me tell you, looks just like a wood chair. Dude, I'm going to bring them all on Rumspringa. They're going to have so much fun building my gamer chair. Hurley's favorite is a hayride because it's too much for her tummy. Go on.

You're next. Hi, my name is Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth. Yay. A kid with a possessed gun, an ice cream scoop, and a song in his heart. A heart full of gold. I'm actually going to do census as well. Yay. So Francis loves it when the guy from the government comes to their house every year and asks how many people are in the house. That's really good. Because he can talk to them about all the people he loves, like his mom and his dad. Aww.

I love a census joke. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, a homemaker, mother of one beautiful child and a robot. Fun fact about Trudy is that she has one of the most exquisite, wonderful popcorn recipes of all time. After all, she loves a Colonel Task. Whoa!

Oh, no. Mamma mia. Love it. Hot diggity damn. Holy shit. I keep thinking you gotta be out of him and you never are. She's back. That one came to me in the shower. I was just like, boom. Someone on the Patreon was like, because you did the credit card fact last time with Diners Club. Oh, yeah. It's almost like I was waiting for Beth to say like she got the credit card because she loves to charge. That's true.

That's good. I already did charge with battery, but I feel like we can kind of just bring it back, run it back, you know? Sort of recycle your memory, so to speak. Yeah. All right. I'm Will Campos. I'm your daddy master. My creepy fact for you today comes from the Wikipedia page for medical cannibalism. Okay. In Europe, thousands of Egyptian mummies were ground up and sold as medicine since 1910.

Wow. Wow.

A custom that goes back to ancient Rome when the blood of wounded gladiators was thought to cure epilepsy. Okay, hold on. How has that not been in a gladiator movie? That's wild. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. What? I get the Roman thing. They're like, big strong guy blood can help make strong...

But really? Criminals? Wouldn't you think that would turn you into a criminal if you're like a city? Probably. Here's what I think happened. It's about the blood, not the purse. They were like, we want criminal blood. They're like, we want fresh blood. No, no, no. I think a very enterprising blood seller was like, well, what's my best source of blood?

executed criminals he's like well we gotta put some sizzle on the steak and he was like did you know actually the criminal blood is even better for you well so the reason why I point out is interesting because like the idea of like you eat thing and then thing become you it's like that's pretty basic there's like a lot of stuff so that you become strong it's a lot of cultures and stuff

So it's like to me, it's like, is it known as... It's from Rainbow Six. Okay. The book by Tom Clancy. Okay. I remember that scene forever for some reason. Okay. Sorry, what? The scene in Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six. I don't know the two characters, but somebody says something about like, you get to eat lion testicles and it'll make you more fertile or whatever. The guy's like, does it really work? He goes, if it did, there wouldn't be any lions left.

I remember that. That's what you remember? I read it in high school. Tom was such a warrior poet. I just remember that. Marcus Aurelius over here. I remember that scene. I remember that. There's only two things I remember about Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six.

But it's true. If it didn't work, there wouldn't be any lions, right? Because men need it. Yeah, it's like if beef tasted good, there'd be no more cows, right? We must reference Tom Clancy and Ding Chavez more than any other podcast in the history of the world. We reference Rainbow Six more than Ubisoft because that was just called Six. Because the word Rainbow is too woke or whatever. Yeah, the word Rainbow is too D-I-Woke. All right, let's do a spooky podcast. Let's do it.

Where are we last left off? A lot of shit went down last episode. I once again typed up fun little recaps for everybody. Mission briefings, if you will. Mission briefings. Yeah, well, you're so John Clark, the head of Rainbow Six. A character who also appeared in Tom Clays and Alls without remorse in Clear and Present Danger. Portrayed by Willem Dafoe in the film starring Harrison Ford. John Clark. He's a member of the CIA, but don't worry. He's one of the good ones.

Kelsey, your mission briefing. Amid your car crash, Mexican standoff, hostage negotiation, fist fight with the Bisons, you made a cunning deduction and sussed out the identity of one of your masked assailants, a parent of one of your students. Just another lead for you to chase down or ignore. Quadruple A, open world, do whatever you want. Is this the first Quadruple A podcast? Yeah. It's us and Skull and Bones. It was the Clark family and the husband's name is John Clark. Ha ha ha!

You recognize John Clark? I didn't come up with a name at the time. So yes, you have a lead there to chase down, should you wish. Don't want to mess with him, though. He's tough. Or you'll be in clear and present danger, Matt.

Trudy. Matt, try and sneak every Tom Clancy novel into your dialogue this episode. Trudy, your hunt for the doll maker, not the Red October, has taken a backseat to saving local restaurant owners and trying to give cats painkillers. But the beast is still out there stalking the night and with it, the means to potentially save your son.

Blake, you just can't keep a good plumber down. Thanks to the quick work of the mysterious and alluring Dr. Sally Dogg, cat clinician, you've received competent first aid in medicine, and you can roll 1d3 hit points. Yes. So is he at zero right now? He's at one, so you can get up to four hit points right now. Let's do it. In the last Peach Pit we did, the sort of behind-the-scenes show after the show, Will mentioned that he imagined Rachel Weisz as Dr. Dogg.

which means I've been playing Francis completely wrong. All right, say 1D3. 1D3. Three! Opa, you now have four hit points. Yay. Congratulations. You're never going to die. She's the best at what she does.

Francis, you scooped out your dad's eyeball, dude. Bro. Dang, dude. And that was where we last left off. I do it again. We walked off. The door slammed shut. You find yourselves standing at the doorway of Dr. Sally Dog Cat Clinician's Cat Clinic. The sun is beginning to set because it is time for the third action of the day. We're not going to do sleep. No sleep. No wasting action on sleep. We're going to get disadvantage on other stuff if we do it. You won't get disadvantage on this one, but...

But starting tomorrow morning, I will start making you guys do constitution saving throws if you don't sleep. Yeah. Would you rather sleep now when everything's closed or in the morning? We can't do one all-nighter. You can do an all-nighter. That's what I'm saying. After the all-nighter is when you start feeling bad. Right. So I'm saying we would have to fall asleep in the morning. So why don't we just do it now? Yeah.

Damn. Well, but where? We're not in safety. IS to my house. Is that free movement action? Is that how that works? Yes. But without our families that we're saving? Okay, wait, wait. Really quick. Huddle up. Huddle up. Okay. Huddle up, team. Wait, I'm going to get into Kelsey. That's not how Kelsey says it. Hey, everybody. You have characters on this actual play content. Hey, guys. Come together. I'm Kelsey. Why don't we all just chat about what we're going to do next really quick?

It's like I'm there. Okay. But we were trying to save our families, right? We have to pick up my brother and sister. No, that's right. We don't have to get my parents. There's no way. My mom didn't know about what my dad was doing. Okay. You don't want to get her? No, not at all. Okay. If we do stop by, I'll pop out for a second and I'll come back in. I don't think that's a good idea. Um,

Yeah, so can we get my family, please? Oh, so it's just you, Kelsey? I mean, yeah. Well, it's my family, too, says Milton. Yeah. I've had a lot of adventure, and I kind of want to go home. Yeah, I think we owe Kelsey a debt of honor. So, yeah. Can we go get...

Now, to be clear, is this action going to take all night? I don't think so. But that's up to somebody else. You know what? Someone's just got to let things go the way God wills it. And I look at Will. I don't know how long it'll take. But it feels like we should be able to drive to a house and get somebody and they'd still sleep. And I like what you said about sometimes you should just let things happen.

I'm just saying that if we see anybody else getting kidnapped, I'm not going to put all of our lives in danger to save them. I'm glad that's the lesson we took away from that. No, Trudy, what you did was really brave. And I think now more than ever, it's important that we care about people. Okay? You did a good thing. Maybe not the smartest thing, but you did a good thing. And that's more important. Thank you. So let's go get... Yes, let's get your family. Roz and Niles. Yes. And...

If we need to, I can drive and you can all sleep. No, no, no, no. I'm old. My stats are already so bad that we should be using me for things anyways. I'm going to give you guys a little bit of a loose lead here. Okay. Within reason, as long as it feels like enough that you could do in one night, I'm going to allow it. Okay. So you guys want to go to... Let's get Raza and Niles. Okay. Bring them to Blake's Mansion. That's the plan. Y'all load up in the van. You're driving through the town as the sun begins to set. Oh, there's a red storm rising.

Jesus fucking Christ. You guys got the radio on? No. Okay. Oh! Silence! Silence. Would anybody like to listen to anything? Because right now, it's just my thoughts up here. Oh, okay. Yeah, let's put on the radio. So you hear the end of, I don't know, Chantilly Lace going into the news. Oh, the big bopper. He'll never die. I want to listen to the news. I like music, and I change the channel. All right. You hear the latest... You know what? You know what?

You know what? If there's anything I learned about my friend John Clark, which by the way, I want to talk about real fast because I'm pretty sure he was there. But he always told me that in tactical situations like this, information is important. So in fact, we should turn on the news. And I turned it back to the news. Welcome to NPR. This is National Peachyville Radio. Nice. Nice. I'm glad I went here. They go national, huh? Yes, we do. I don't know why. Sorry, who said that? We were on the air.

hamburger national news mr president peachyville national news turn it on you gotta hear what's going on in peachyville yeah it was the only thing to replace the fireside chas after fdr stepped out all right keep going sorry sorry we're excited we

I love playing with you. I'm very excited. I'm just in a good mood right now. I'm sorry. I'll let you go. Let's do it. Tonight's top story, the mysterious and baffling theft of a large supply of blood from Peachyville Hospital. Authorities are confused as to why only type A positive blood was stolen from the hospital this evening. Now on to sports. The Peachyville Pirates beat

the Nebraska noodles in Noodle Bowl. This person does not seem to know the sports. A study says that most people turn off the radio after they've heard the important piece of exposition they were supposed to hear. We go now to an interview with Pepper Pete, the

pitcher for the PG-12 Pirates. I want to be related to Sneaky Pete. Pepper Pete, Trudy, I know it's a little soon, but he's a dish. He's a dish? He's a dish. Pepper Pete, that was quite a game. Are you related to town child murderer Sneaky Pete? Well, look, I'm really tired of getting asked this question. I mean, just... It doesn't...

It doesn't really even seem to be based on anything other than that we have the same first name. I hope that the reporter asks if he's single. Many of our female listeners want to know if you are single, Pepper Pete. Well, you know, I'm also really tired of getting asked this question because as I've said many times, I am married to a beautiful woman. I'm turning it off.

Okay, so blood. Does anybody have A positive blood? I'm on the list. Do I have A positive blood? I can't remember. I asked all of you what your blood type was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I don't have A positive blood. I thought you were doing that in a fun JRPG sort of way. You know? Such was my trap, Freddy.

Now I get to search blood type. I did assume that you asked that question specifically for something with the episode. I was like, wow, what a fun persona-esque Japanese RPG thing. As you guys are turning down the radio, Milton says, type A positive blood. That's so weird. That's my mother's type of blood.

Oh. Milton, how do you know this? Know your brother's blood. I know lots about blood. You know, I'm really into, you know, they say that blood determines a lot of your personality. So, you know, that's just something that I'm really interested in. Is your blood creepy as fuck? My blood isn't creepy. I've got O negative blood, which is why I'm so confident, resilient, self-centered, and unstable. That does sound like somebody with O negative blood. I have O negative blood. Oh. Well, that seems like all those things. You know, I see you as a very resilient person, Trudy. Trudy, do you have blood? Trudy, yes.

Oh, that's a good one, Trudy. That's a good question. I'm a positive, yeah. It's the Japanese art known as Katsuki Gata, which is something that I'm really interested in. That's how I found out that, for instance, my Aunt Kelsey has B-positive blood. That's why she's so optimistic. That's why she's so empathetic, passionate, selfish, and erratic.

Oh my God, is that really what B positive blood means? Yes, it is. Wow. I have B positive blood. Okay, well, that's nice, but I don't think that summarizes me, and I don't mean to be stickler about this because, you know, I haven't written J yet, so I don't know everything about Japan, but I do know that science is more true than art, and I did do a little research on blood, and I don't think what your blood is defines your personality. Well, blood starts with a B, Kelsey.

I know, so I know a lot about it. I mean, a little bit. I plagiarized most of it. I read it, though. That's learning. Yeah. Well, for your information, Kelsey, I don't like disagreeing with you, but the man who came up with the blood type personality theory, Takeji Furukawa, he's a scientist. He teaches at the Tokyo Women's Teacher School. Oh, well, then he can't be wrong. He teaches a bunch of women, though, so...

Anyway, I don't know. If any of you guys want me to tell you anything about your blood types, I'd be happy to do it. If the only one A positive, that means it has the A antigen.

But they're not going after A, B, so they must want the A antigen completely isolated. Well, we don't even know who's stealing it, right? So I don't know. I just thought it was an interesting... Oh my God, watch out! Well, actually, Milton can't say that. What are you saying, child? Milton has a premonition and then Bebe goes, oh my God, watch out! And as you are driving, Matt, give me a drive roll. Matt, I swear to God, you injure me, bro. Just hit the brakes real hard. Just do it. It'd be the funniest thing to do that again. You don't remember this? I have fucking 75 on drive.

I stacked her on drive. People always say this before they do a bad roll, and I love it every time. I know. You just jinxed yourself into next week. No. 52. You slam on the brakes well enough that you both stop the car, and nobody inside gets thrown out the window, and you narrowly avoid hitting a young man in the middle of the road. Enemy contact. He's dazed. He's soaking wet, and he seems to be talking to himself. You recognize him as the headlights hit him that this is Sticky Rick.

The boy who works at the local drive-in was, until Francis became a mass murderer, the second most bullied kid in Peachyville. That's right. Sticky Rick, go home. He doesn't seem well. Sticky Rick looks up at you for saying he has this glazed over, vacant look in his eye, and he just says, I have to go. Oh, where are you going, son? On a trip. Where? Can't be late. And then he just starts walking off. Oh.

Oh. Okay. Tree, I know you said that we should. Should we fall? No. Well, I'm just saying that he has that look about him that the people do before they do wild things. Yeah. I have to go. Okay. On a trip. But I guess I did a wild thing. We all do wild things. But we have to sleep. Yeah. And I have to save my brother and sister. He's already fading off into the darkness. Okay. You guys going to do anything? Okay. So let's just keep going.

Keep going. Let's just keep discussing it until it's too late to do anything. And then we can't feel bad about not doing anything. I'm the one who knows to get rid of the best. And I'm saying we go. I'd keep driving. Okay. He is gone. Oh, how awkward. He's going in the same direction. We are. Oh, gosh. Yikes. No, I hate that. What street do you guys live on?

C. No, you guys are. I mean, you're probably like what? D. G Street, we'll say. We were just on G Street. We were just on G Street. Well, then it's a short drive. Okay. But it's real long on the other end of G Street. Nice. Give me a, because you're going pretty fast, I would imagine. Give me a- Wait, wait, wait. I'm going the speed limit. You're going the speed limit. You're throwing out dangerous things. You weren't paying attention. You're going fast, I imagine. Kelsey's a good driver. It's 75. Give me a spot, hit, and roll.

Anyone who's looking out the window. A nine. Wow. A super duper success. Okay. Give me a drive roll to slam on the brakes again. A six. Wow. A super duper success. I saw and stopped. You hit the brakes perfectly to roll to a stop right on the windows where everybody can see it. And it is a lamppost with a poster on it. And on the poster is a photo of Francis Farnsworth. There's a note that says, have you seen this boy?

Wanted for questioning. Contact Sheriff Shane Silva. The police usually don't put things out like that, do they? Well, they don't say contact a particular cop. Hey, guys, I had an idea. Yeah. Do you think this is about what you did? Just like, as long as I'm around you guys, I'm putting you guys at risk if I stay around you. Partly because Brutal, but partly because of who I am. So I was thinking maybe I could just, I could leave. Child, you need to chill out. Yeah. Francis, I...

I was wondering if I could speak to you. We're stopped, right? Yeah. Why don't we... You can tell when we're stopped, right, Trudy? Yes, it's just sometimes I feel like we're going. We're stopped. You're good. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. No, no. No worries at all, Kelsey. I would just like to have a word with Francis, if that's okay. Sure.

You can go in the kitchen of the door mobile because it's like a whole house in here. You can also keep driving to your parents' place and we can talk while we go. Chelsea, I will stay up with you as we drive to your parents' place. Okay, great. Be on the lookout for more signs, I guess. Tell us more information that we need. I have my peepers peeled. We're driving.

I'm driving really slowly, though. The road noise isn't loud enough that we can't hear what's being said. Francis, are you hungry? There's a kitchen here. I can make you something. I'm not hungry. You're not hungry? No, thank you.

You remind me of my little boy, Timmy. And it's a good thing. And it's because I think you're both sensitive. And I know that that's not what boys like to hear. But I think that makes you very brave to be sensitive. I'm a sensitive soul myself. And I think that sometimes sensitive people feel hurt. And it's easy to feel.

Let that feeling kind of spread and really take hold of you.

What I'm trying to say, Francis, is you are getting older and you have a choice to choose your power as a man, as a big, strong man, or your gentleness as somebody who is sensitive. And I hope that you make a good choice. And I want you to know that we care about you. And that is it, I guess.

You know what I felt when I took out my dad's eye? What? Not a fucking thing. I think I maybe used to be sensitive when I first met you, but now I think I'm probably more robot than you are because it didn't hurt at all. I would do it again. There's part of me that's like, I should have gotten the other eye. Now he's just looking at one eye. It's just knowing who my family is and who I am now kind of put things into sort of a sharp relief.

It's about saving the world and stuff, and that's important. But my parents are monsters, and that explains why I'm a monster. And that's not going to change. I'm just that's who I am. So for now, I'll be our monster for the stuff that we need to do. Unless you let me leave, which I think is still the ideal situation. But no, I think the die has already been cast. The choice was made for me.

By my parents when I was first born. You're so young, Francis. Thank you. And monsters, robots, who knows what's human anymore, right? Sorry I mixed the metaphor. No, it's just, I think it's very human to feel the things you are feeling. Not that I would know maybe, but don't count yourself out yet. You know what I think? I think that you and Kelsey and Blake are good people.

And I think you should get as far away from me as you possibly can. Well, too bad, kiddo. We're right here. Kelsey, Francis might not be a good person. By the way, that's what you took away from that conversation. If you can hear them saying that. We're whispering. You two give me a listen roll. But don't tell me what you got because I don't want Matt or Freddie to know before they start talking. Kelsey. Yeah, Blake.

crazy conversation back there, huh? Yeah, I was going to say, Trudy's doing great, but sometimes a young boy just needs a man to talk to him. So why don't you just go up and maybe give him a little advice? You've been through a lot. Hey, Blake, who the fuck is P.D.? Remember? Your best pal? Ah, yes. When you get back there and you talk to Francis, hit him with this. Vis-a-vis us not abandoning him. Those who would give up

Essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. Do you know who said that? I don't remember what you just said now trying to remember it. I'll write it down for you, okay? Okay, yes. Please discord it to me so I can deploy it at the inappropriate time.

And I wasn't listening, but I just want to say, Blake's going to come talk to you and everything Trudy said, I agree with if I heard it. And also, Francis, I'm... You don't need to talk to me. This is the sum of all my fears. This is every one of you. Try to have a conversation with me about my feelings. That's fine. But you're a child and I'm the teacher and we're on a field trip and you don't get to leave the field trip until I say so. So you're not going anywhere. And I keep driving. I go out to the back and I kind of give like a tag team, like, Trudy, I will speak to the child. Oh!

Oh, okay. Yes, go ahead. Francis. Trudy, you did a great job. I just think, you know, Blake's a man who's been through some things. Maybe France has been through some things. I think we're going to find out why grown men should talk to young boys about their problems. Let's see how Blake does. Kelsey, aren't you tired of having men teach boys? Every day. All the time.

You have a male podcaster interrupting the female podcaster. Time, Trudy. I'm tired, too. And I...

I don't know. I don't know. I hope that Blake says the right thing. I hope so, too. Let's listen. Let's listen. Well, the two of you are up here. Hey, baby. No, it's Milton. Oh, hi, Milton. Hi, Milton. That was good. That was good. I just can't help it. You know, as a young boy who's looking for role models, I feel like I don't really see eye to eye with a lot of what big, strong guys try to teach young boys. I've never been good at it. So could I ask you guys some questions about growing up and stuff like that? Would that be okay? Yeah, there'd be times that we'd talk about that. Yeah.

Okay, cool. Just let me know when that would be a good time to do that. Okay, no, Milton, you know what? Anytime's a good time to ask me a question if you want to ask me a question. Okay, well, my first question is kind of about girls, so let's get into that. All right, then we'll jump. Francis. Blake. You have done much killing. Uh, have I? I'm trying to remember. Not nearly enough, my nair. Those are rookie numbers. You have to pump them up, yeah? Yeah, I didn't kill, uh...

Trudy's husband and I didn't kill Shane's son. Francis, you must understand in this world, sometimes we are tasked to do things that we need to do and they are perhaps to justifiable ends. There are bad people in this world, Francis, so you should not feel bad for hurting them because in hurting them, you protect the ones you love. That's what I tell myself.

I didn't scoop out my dad's eyes to protect the ones I love. I did it because I wanted to. Yes, sometimes protecting the ones you love and also doing the things you want can go hand in hand in morally questionable ways. So are you saying I should just do whatever I want? No, Francis. You should punish the bad people and

and find them and live conscience free that you are doing the right thing unless well okay hold on Francis how worried about both Blake and Francis I just it tears my heart out to think about what these boys are going through Francis when you say you wanted to do it like how much put the percentage apparently a hundred because I did it

Look, I feel like we have two roads we can go down, right? I was actually already thinking the same thing you were. Like, if I'm going to do monstrous things, I might as well lean all the way in and do it until the world is saved and then we can deal with me. Or I could just stop now before other people get hurt.

Francis, sometimes this is not so cut and dry and easy. Sometimes you have to do things to protect yourself and to get through a tough time. I didn't have to do any of the things I did. I didn't have to shoot little Shane's leg off. I didn't have to pull out the eye of the person that attacked Kelsey. I just thought it would be fun to hurt bad people. And at first it made me feel good and now it makes me feel nothing. Slow down, Francis. We need to back up a little bit. You blew what off who? It doesn't matter. Hmm.

And so basically, just what I'm wondering is like, you know how girls have a lot of hair on their head? Yes, Milton. But I noticed that a lot of them don't have hair on their legs, but boys have hair on their legs. So like if a girl grows hair on her legs, would it grow forever like her hair on her head? Or would it stop like hair on boys? Women grow hair on their legs, Francis. But they do? That's not Francis. Francis, you're listening to this, right? This is important. You're the dating age.

Yes, Milton. Milton, does the hair on your legs grow indefinitely? Well, no, but I just... Yes, that's exactly... Yes. Okay, well, thank you. I'm going to think more about some more questions and I'll write them down and ask you later. Perhaps one of you should talk to the child. I'll talk to the boy, Bebe says. Bebe marches back there and she says, Francis!

Hey, look at me. What? Look, I don't like you and I don't respect you that much. You know, we don't get along and you're mean to me sometimes and you call me judgy and maybe I am because I'm judging you right now for being a jerk in the past. But those who, a very famous man named Benjamin Franklin once said after he invented the gaming rocking chair that those who would give up. Ah yes, Francis, those who would give up essential. No, you didn't say it. Now I'm going to say it. Blake, get out.

of here. You had your chance. Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. So we're not giving up on you, Francis. You're part of this team, and that's that.

And then she kicks you in the shin. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Well, you said you wanted to go away and that it would be better because we'd be safer, but I don't give two licks about that because you're part of the team, gosh darn it. That's got nothing to do with liberty, though. She kicks you in the shin again. Well, Arlen, we don't deserve our liberty. Stop it. You can do it as much as you want. Trudy, Kelsey, I am truly afraid for Francis. He is exhibiting some very, very dangerous qualities that I see. You overhear in the back quietly, I feel like I'm a clear and present danger to everyone.

It seems like he's been doing a lot of really bad actions without remorse. He is taking a same tact against all enemies, dead or alive. He's vicious. He's got like the teeth of a tiger. So as you say that, you arrive at your house.

I just want to say something to us as a bowling team. Okay, yes. We are out to sea right now, and it is hard to tell whether we are waving or drowning. And I think that we should all be each other's lifeboat and take care of each other because we're a team. We're a team, and we should act like a team. I love that, Trudy. I quite agree.

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Okay. Honk, honk. I do the honk, honk. Honk, honk. That's our sign. That's the sign for the scenes over. Double honk is I'm here and we're going out and triple honk is we got to get out of here. So you only did a double. Oh, honk. Oh, but that's two in one. Now you have to do the honk code to cancel the previous honk. The two honks and one honk is actually I'm honking. Just get out of the fucking van. I want to tell you guys this. You're my team. So I just want you to know that me and my sister, we have a little thing. So two honks and then a honk is I have a boy in the car.

and I'm honking. In what world is Kelsey trying to advertise the fact that she's honking? How is that helpful to you in any way? But then when I do the third honking, that means I actually don't come out and I need some extra time. But then dad thinks that I'm honking for my sister to come out. It seems like the easiest way to make somebody not come out

Is someone like coming up to the car like I'm going to use the car? Oh, no. I don't see my sister. I wasn't having sex, Mr. Whoever. I didn't say that. We get mad. Okay. Anyways, let me do the cancel. Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. Now she knows it's canceled. Now what I do next is what's actually happening. Honk, honk, honk. It's in the middle of the night also. Maybe you shouldn't have been honking. Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, okay, well, I don't care about that person. Kelsey, do you have a duress code? No, I just did the triple honk. They're coming now. Don't worry. No, but do you have a duress code? A duress code? A code that you use when you are under duress to signal to your opposing? No, that's a good idea. Oh, yeah, we should all have one of those. The only codes we have are honking so that we can make out in cars with our boyfriends when we were kids. What?

Maybe they'll be under duress. We'll say Hong Kong. I had a childhood. Duress would be a good name for a Tom Clancy novel. I know I'm a fifth-year-old teacher, but I had a childhood too, and I had some fun in school, okay? While you were having fun in school, men were dying across the seas. I know.

We get told about it a lot. There's no response when you honk. Even the triple honk? Even the cancel honk? Even the triple honk. There's no response from inside. Oh, God. It's never taken this long once I do the triple honk, especially since they had the time for the cancel honk. Because when I do the double honk and the single honk, you know she would have been at least looking to be like, oh, my God. It's been 30 years since she's done the double single. She's probably wondering what's happening. But she didn't come out. Oh, my God. Okay. Something must have happened to Rosanna House. I think you should exercise your command authority.

and get out of the car and go see if there's anything going on. Okay. Well, Kelsey, remember, my dad's out of town, so it's just my mom there. So hopefully nothing happened to my dad, right? Well, no, if your dad's out of town, that's good. Ah, very good. Send the child. No, okay. I will go see if Roz is... No, I want to come too because you got me scared now. Oh, yeah, it's your mom. Of course. Okay. So Milton holds your hand. Keep the car running. Keep the car running. Keep it locked on. Is that book...

That one? Yeah, it was a book. That pure Tom Clancy book or one of the post Tom Clancy. He needed somebody else to write Larry Bond books. I'm just looking at publication order of Jack Ryan universe books. John,

John Clark is Peachyville's only gay couple, and he is married to Larry Pond. Jack Ryan. Jack Ryan. Sean and Jack. Well, they're just very good friends. I go to the door. The door is open. Okay, everybody, the door is open. I'm going in, but I need other people with me, too. We got to search the house. Francis gets out and follows you. Okay, I go in, and I spot him really well the whole time. Okay. I'm glad.

I'm a spamming spot hidden. You guys all going into the house? Yes. Oh, but someone needs to keep the car running, BB. Wait, the car kind of runs on its own. It doesn't. Just keep it running. Okay. Do I need to be here to keep it running? No, you can come in. You can come in. I don't really know how to drive a car. My sister's in trouble. BB, I think you should watch the car so that nobody steals it. Good. Okay. Yes. Okay. Good.

Yeah, I'll watch the car. Okay, great. You got it. I got 94 on spot hit and I fell on my spot hit and I'm just running into the house. Okay. I turn on the light. I still can't see. I'm blinded with concern for my sister. Okay, so as you enter the house, the first thing you notice is the ground is wet as you step in. Like there's a splash on your foot. I look down. Is it blood or water? It's water. It's like we're in a submarine. A guided tour inside a nuclear war. She never leaves water. I know. Oh my God. I've

Bro, Anthony, I've been on the Wikipedia for the Tom Clancy bibliography under the nonfiction heading and then all of his guided tour nonfiction books. I was like, no way we're getting one of these in. I'm looking at Fighter Wing, a guided tour of an Air Force combat wing, 1995. But you managed to drop Submarine, a guided tour inside a nuclear warship, 1993. Ho!

Holy shit. While you're all having fun talking about Tom Clancy, Roz never leaves water on the floor. Something's wrong. Roz never leaves water on the floor? What the fuck? What the fuck is that possible? There's something wrong here. I feel like I just had a stroke. What the fuck? You gotta get going. Where is she? Well, maybe somebody just left a sink or a shower running. Anybody that's not Roz, that would be a problem because that means there's somebody in there. She's not having an affair. Is she a...

She's not having an affair. But she did. You jumped there pretty quickly. Well, I'm just saying, I'm trying to think who else will be in the house. Hey, sorry. Really quick. Sorry. Tom. I don't know what happened to my sister. Matt, we have to stop the story for this. We do need to stop the gun for this. Okay. The Tom Clancy's Op Center series. Anthony. I heard Op Center. That's cool. Right.

That was ghostwritten entirely. It was kind of like a young adult where it was like, Tom is like, I got to get the kids into my world. Real quick, tell me that you don't detect something a little strange happening in about the year 2018 onwards when they wrote, for honor, God of War,

Call of Duty, and Fallout. What? They're just using video game titles! That's insane! Op Center, Backland. They're still around, huh? Op Center. Well, a lot of those are Ubisoft games, to be fair. I'm surprised they haven't done Assassin's Creed yet. Okay, anyway. He should write a Rabbids book. He's dead. He's dead, you know. The ground is...

The ground is soaking wet. You hear in the distance, like the sound of a ruptured pipe burbling. Sounds like a job for a plumber. Oh yeah. Blake. Yeah. You immediately recognize the telltale sound of a burst pipe. A pipe is burst in here. We must act quickly. Yeah. Defy my sister. To limit the water damage to the underlying structure. It's too late.

The mold issues could be catastrophic. Roz! You guys are just running through the house. I wanted to turn on the light or at least try the light. When the lights throw them on, you realize that there's like upturned furniture. It looks like there was a big struggle in this house. She never leaves her furniture upturned. There's also like this overwhelming like rancid stench in here. It's like rancid barbecue sauce mixed with like shit and piss and it just smells awful. It smells like upholstery.

hottie in here. What is up, hottie? Oh, my dear. Why is everybody making jokes? My sister. Kelly,

Kelsey, you need to find your sister. Yes. Francis, quickly help me find the source of this water leak. Okay, that's great. That's nice. Yeah. No, I will find my sister. I'm not worried about that. And she would love it if her house didn't have water damage. Francis, we get to charge time and a half because this is a house call. I'm going to run to the basement. Okay, you're going to run to the basement. Yeah. Okay. You're following the water to the burst pipe? Yes. Who's going where? I'll go upstairs. Okay, you're going with them? So the three of you run into this bathroom and the toilet...

has just exploded. Like something has blasted out of this thing, Kool-Aid man style. All right, who did it? And the room itself has just been sort of destroyed. There's like sewage and like viscous goo just sort of ruptured out of this pipe. The stench is overwhelming. In fact, everybody give me a constitution saving throw. Do I get an advantage because I'm a plumber? Yeah, it feels like you would have seen something like this before. Yes, you get a bonus day. My con is 25, I got a 57. 70?

And I got a 45. I succeed. I have a 50 and I rolled a 16. Okay. So yes, Francis, you dropped your knees and throw up. There, there, child. Give me... It's good to know I can react to something still. Everybody give me a spot, hit, and roll. Man, I wish we had Kelsey. I critically fail. Yeah, you can't see anything other than your own poop on the ground. 21 out of 33. I pass. I fail. You fail. All right. So then Blake, with your keen plumber eyes, you recognize, look again, there's this goo. There's this water running around.

Under the water, you see these like sharp puncture marks in the ground, almost like the legs of a big insect have just pierced into the ground. And you realize that there's a sort of muddy trail leading through the house as well, like from these marks. This is a problem. What do you see? The toilet went in reverse direction.

Usually, Trudy, the bad things go down into the pipes and are gone forever, out of sight, out of mind. But here, in this case, it appears an insectoid creature has come out of the toilet and is now stalking around the house. I recommend we leave immediately. The doll maker! That must be what it is! You are familiar with this creature? Yes, it's an alien, and he makes goo! Ah,

We need to leave right now. The trail of this thing, if you sort of track it with your eyes, it is heading downstairs and you realize that it headed into the basement where we now find Kelsey. Oh no. With Milton and BB who have gone downstairs with you. It's pitch dark. I'm pushing Milton around in front of me. No, I'm

No, I'm not. I got them behind me. Okay, so it's pitch dark down here. You realize the stench is not so bad. Okay, stay at the top of the stairs, you two. Don't come down here. Are you sure? It seems like a pretty dangerous situation, Mr. Kramer. Yeah, no dangers. You be right there in case something happens to me. Let me check if it's safe first, okay? Okay, come back soon, Kelsey. Well, yeah, you can see me. This basement's not that big. Well, I mean, it's real dark down there. I've been in the basement, so I reach up to pull the bulb. Okay, great. Got one of those little bulbs that you pull the string, you know.

The light flicks on and there's some stuff knocked over like someone was running down here in a hurry. I roll spy hidden. What'd you get?

A seven. Okay, great. Super duper. You see the same trail of sort of sharp puncture marks. They're covered in like a dirt, like a sort of like almost looks like soil. You notice something in the soil of one of them. It just happens to catch your eye, kind of catches the light. And it's like this little white strand, almost like hair or silk, a little thread. And you notice that there's a couple of them in these marks as you're looking at them. I want to look at that hair slash thread to find out if it is hair or thread. Okay.

Time to play. Hair or thread. It's organic. It's not like a fabric. I guess hair could be used as thread.

It's just a little white thing, right? I guess I was trying to see if it's like Roz's hair or something. No, it's not Roz's hair. If you want to give me an education roll to know what it is. Fuck yeah, I do. 74, but I think my edu is 80. You remember maybe the chapter on arachnids? What you realize is that it's corn silk. Corn silk? Like when you shock up corn and you're a corn? That shit that gets in your tea. Ross never leaves corn silk around. She keeps a clean house.

And it wouldn't be in the basement even if she was. As you make this realization, you hear like a sort of struggling banging noise coming from the closet. I run to the closet. You rip the door open? I rip the door open. As you rip the door open, you see your sister Roz in the closet. Roz! Oh my god, you're okay! I have to go. On a trip. Can't be late. Oh no. Okay.

Okay. I have to go. And she starts walking past me. On a trip. Can't be late. Help, everybody. Blake, Judy. Yes? On a trip. Roz is here and whatever's happening to the others is happening to her. Mom, is that you? Mom? Mama, what's wrong with my mom? What's wrong with my mom? I don't know, Milton. Whatever's happening to everybody else is happening to your mom, but we have her. It's the doll maker. It's his venom. Yeah. Oh. Oh.

You think he's poisoning them? He does mind control. So we need a large dose of his venom to find the antidote, obviously for Timmy, but this will also probably help everybody else that's been in...

Right? Can I check, Roz? Do I see any punctures or bite marks or venom? Yes, so this is an easy check. You just see there's like a big sting mark on the back of her neck. As you run to hug her, you feel this welt on her neck. Yeah, Trudy, I think, yeah, it looks like she got- Kelsey is- I have to go, can't be late. Kelsey, is this who we are supposed to rescue? Yes, this is my sister, Roz. I have to go. Very good. I get her into a rear naked choke. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You can just tie her. Let her go. What? Let her go and we'll follow her to where she's going. That's where the doll maker will be. I was thinking something similar, but we won't let her go, Francis. We will. I don't want to put her on a leash, but you know. We have a dog leash upstairs. Yeah. Oh God, where's Fiddles? Fiddles. Oh, Fiddles. I can't catch.

I'm so sorry. And then you hear bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. Oh, thank God. And this little yippy dog Fiddles runs up and starts licking Milton. He's like, Fiddles, oh my God, boy, I missed you so much. I was so scared. I haven't seen you in so long. And he hugs him. Fiddles, you're going to be a good boy. You're going to guard this house, right? Right, good boy? Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. Okay, because I don't think we can take you with us. Because it's going to be a lot for Trudy if we take you with us. You hear marbles go at the Fiddles. See, marbles just...

Kelsey, if this is who we want to save, I can choke her out and we'll bring her. No, we don't need to choke her out. She seems to really want to go somewhere. Blake, if she struggles or finds a way to break free and is running really fast...

to get away from us, then you have permission to choke her out. But if she's just doing this, like kind of walking all slow, then I think we can handle it. Sticky Rick was walking really slow. I don't see any reason she'd start running. Well, I suppose we should find a rope. Tell you what, Roz, we will take you where you need to go. Just come into the car with me. I have to go. Yeah, we're going to take you where you need to go. Can't be late. I know.

I have to go. Bebe, position the car. What? Position the car. I'm outside. You told me to wait in the car. You guys are in the basement. I hear vague rumbling out there. We're coming out. We're all coming out now. Bebe, position the car so that the back door opens straight into the line of the front door. Okay, Bebe's going to make a drive roll. Bebe, I swear to fucking God. Bebe, if you can't back this thing up. 34, she backs into the mail post and knocks it over.

know how to drive. You don't need to drive. Roz is pretty pliant right now. Pliable? Pliable. Right? She's doing what we want. So I'm moving her. I'm moving my sister into the car. She's just walking for it. If you guys are just sort of nudging her. Well, she's in the car and we've all decided our next action, she'll be used for sleep. So...

To my house. Into your house, Blake. Yes. I think we get sleep, right, Francis? And then we can follow Roz to where the doll maker is. Because if we do it. I think we should take a shift watching Roz to make sure she doesn't get away. Oh, don't worry. Because she's not going to sleep. Yeah, we'll tie her up. I know, but I mean, we're not going to be mean about it. It'll be a nice quote. So as you guys are driving the car, it's almost like she's being pulled in one direction. And as you drive in a different direction to get to Blake's house, she just becomes more and more distressed. She's like, I have to go. Damn, be late. I have to go. I have to.

go! I have to go! She's just like banging her head against the window, just like slamming herself and pounding on the glass. I have to go! I have to go! Blake, choke her out! Oh yes, very good. I go over and I rear naked choke her. Cutting off blood.

To her brain. Both of the arteries coming up through the neck. A textbook rear naked choke knockout. Give me a melee combat roll. It's not really combat. Give me a roll for something. What do you want to roll? What do you want to roll, Hotshot? Power.

I mean, this is a technique. Do you know what I mean? It's under duress. Not everybody can do this. Most people can't do this even if they've looked at a YouTube video. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but with enough power, you don't need technique. Well, you kill her if you have too much. No, no, no. All right, give me a roll. Oh, 72 out of 60. Do you want to burn some luck on it?

12 lugs is a lot of fucking money. No, don't run the luck. Okay, I will do my fighting brawl. Mm-hmm. Be like, okay. She's the slippery one. No. I have to go. Can't be late on a trip. I have to go on a trip. I got a 50. My fighting brawl is 60. Okay, great. So I choke her. You just choke her. This is how you do it, Blake. Ugh.

That's an illegal boxing hold. Okay. I tie her more thoroughly, I guess, like more closely to like a hog tie. And also, okay, we need her not to be hitting her head. Milton. Yes. Go get your helmet. My helmet. Oh, from inside. Yeah. Go get your helmet. Can someone help me go get my helmet? Beep. He's like, yeah, I'll come. I'll help you build. And let's go. Both of you go get a helmet, I guess. Hurry up in there. All right. They come back with a child sized helmet and then a couple of pillows. Cause BB thought that would be a good idea. Okay. Yes. I put the helmet on Roz's head. I tie the pillows to the helmet. Okay.

And then I tie her helmet to two different points in the car. So she's like really stuck in there. So she can get truly well and decapitated. Look, if we get in a car accident, none of us are coming out good. Okay. In fact, she's probably the safest. She's the only one wearing a, hey, you know what? Maybe some sort of rope.

attached to people in a car. It's a good idea. Because like, to your point, I think if we got in a car accident, what happened to you, Blake? You're right. What happened to Roz? I flew out the front windshield. But that wouldn't happen to Roz, would it? Ah, you're right. If she was somehow restrained in the car, perhaps she is the safest one in here. We should all have seat helmets.

Seat helmets? Every helmet? Ah, that's a great idea, Kelsey. Every seat has a helmet that is attached by rope to the frame of the car. Cut to 15 years later. Local teacher Kelsey Grammer was sent to prison for killing hundreds of people by installing helmets that stay in the same place when you crash your car, snapping dozens of necks across the globe. Okay, so she's tied up. Yes. And we're driving to Blake's house, right? Yes, so you're driving to Blake's house. ♪

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E-Trade is a business of Morgan Stanley. As you crest onto the poshest street in town, it's got those like, you know like a real pretentious street has those like old-timey street lamps on it? True LA heads know that the rich neighborhood's got those fucking wide-ass streets, do you know what I mean? Like it's one of those big, wide, San Marino-ass fucking streets. The big oak trees, everything beautiful. The UPS truck double parks, there's still room for three cars.

And everybody's got a fucking driveway and a garage anyway, so why is the fucking... It's just to make less houses there. Oh, yeah, sure. Welcome to L Street. Blake, why don't you paint the picture of your abode as we pull up to it? As you drive up, there's like a wrought iron gate that as we approach, I like lean over, there's like a little intercom system. Oh my god. And I go...

Yes, sir. It's me. Open the gate. Very good, sir. I really was going to come up with like a new take on the butler. And I was like, sometimes you just got to go with the classic guys. Part of me was just happy it wasn't a German accent.

I thought maybe he had taken somebody. He's never known what Blake was saying. He has a swastika cut to his forehead. I'm going to give you something you can take off. And we pull into the driveway and there's just in front of you this gigantic three-story classic, just massive mansion. Wow.

And I pull up to it. Ah, this is the guest house. And we turn around and then around in the back is an even bigger four-story mansion. Ah, here we go. The servants' quarters. My house is just further down. And then we get to my house and it's like...

smaller than the other one. Oh. He's one of those billionaires that's, you know, relatable. One of those annoying billionaires that likes to cosplay as a middle class person. Don't worry, it goes 10 floors under the ground. Hey, Warren, it's your cousin, John Buffett. You know that house you've been looking for? Whoa, I'm so excited. What's your sleep mechanic? Is it going to be like the classic fade to black and a little like JRPG jingle? Well, we'll see. You guys got to go inside first. Okay.

So you pull up to the house. I am mighty tired. I'm mighty tired. The door swings open and Ambrister opens the door and says,

Mr. Lively, you've returned. Ambruster, where is the rest of the staff? I sent them home after you disappeared and you weren't around so I just let them have the day off. How many people live in your servants' quarters? Ah, it's full. What does that mean? I wasn't asking how many. I lose track. Currently we have 15 people on the staff. There's the cook, the cook's assistant, the cook's assistant's assistant, the

The chef de cuisine. The lawyer. The lawyer. The butler's lawyer. That's my lawyer. He's on retainer. There's the maid. The maid's woman. The chief physician. Although that's really me. I work a double chute. The librarian, of course. The groundskeeper. Groundskeeper, yep.

The Huntsman. The Huntsman. The Exterminator. The three people that play tennis with him. The Exterminator, aka the accountant who does our books.

books and then there's my spliff roller there's the young local lad who rolls mr lively cigarettes and how many left do i have young man two more and then there's of course me and mr lively oh yes wow and blake you do your own plumbing i think that is so brave yes it's very important that the plumbing is right in these houses like i have a question yes why do you still plumb i

You see, it gives me the common touch. And I do like seeing inside people's houses. The common touch? What does that mean? I just wonder, like, sometimes where their bathroom is. When you look at the house...

You don't know where the bathroom is. And only upon entering the house do you see the layout and the truth of the layout with regards to bathroom placement is laid bare and manifest before you. My lord, Blake Lively is very passionate about the layout of homes. He's written many pieces of wit and wisdom on the subject in his upcoming manuscript. What's the title of his most popular one? Clear and

present toilet. A guide to plumbing by Blake Lively. A commode. A guided tour of the American bathroom. Will your guests be requiring sleeping accommodations this evening, sir? Yes, and also some kind of secured room for the lady here. Oh dear, this young woman seems to be in much distress. Yes, we can't... You okay? Sorry.

Sorry, I... I think your butler's melting. I recover from certain ailments. Sometimes it affects the manner of my speech. It feels like I'm constantly locking in my accent. You don't have any security? Why would I need security?

I am the security, madam. Oh, okay. I have your security right here, and I flex a little bit. Okay. You're very strong. I think we need to bring... This is my sister, Ross, and you can tell she is under some sort of duress. I'm going on a trip. You need to go on a trip. Somebody's brainwashing her. Are those people a doctor? Yes. This is my butler and doctor. Oh, that's right. Okay. There's somebody called the doll... Trudy, what? The dollmaker has venom? Yes. The dollmaker is an alien. Yes.

Just the second you say that, he looks at you, Blake, like, fuck, what? Why can't you be a normal person who just really wants to see the inside of people's houses like me? Well, obviously.

Well, I'm a robot, you know, just to kind of get you into our wacky world of what's going on. Indeed, madam. Yes, and the Dollmaker is an alien captured by Project Heartland. Indeed, madam. But it escaped. I see. And it's Venom. As you're saying this, he's like kind of guiding you to like a seat and pouring you tea. Just like making sure you're okay. And it's Venom. Indeed, madam. It coats brains entirely.

making them more suggestible. My brain is actually coded in the Dollmaker's venom. I see. But there's a difference. Most intriguing. There's a barrier between robot and brain. And sometimes I wonder, like when I was talking to Francis earlier about him scooping his father's eye out

with an ice cream scoop. I was in my head. I was wondering if only there were not a cool barrier between my robotness and my brain and I was more heart. But that's neither here nor there. We have a problem. Ross has been injected with

the doll maker's venom. And she just needs to be safe. That's all that concerns you and Blake here. Also, if you're a doctor, you could check her out and see if maybe there's an antidote to this venom. Indeed. Well, that all sounds like you've had a rather taxing evening. Chastity, the maid woman, shall show you to your quarters if you wish to adjourn and recover your constitution. Chastity! An even older woman going, Hey, what's all this then? Oh, hi, Chastity. Oh, my goodness, yes, come this way. Long time no see, Chastity.

Kelsey! You're Bingo Gal. Oh, yes, I recognize you from the parlor, Domingo. How's it going? How's it going, Courtney? I know you worked here. I didn't know you were for Blake. You look a bit Monty Python sketch. Come this way. I'll show you to your quarters. Very nice. As she does that, Ambister turns to you, Freddie. And I turn to Ambister like, we're in for another hard one, my man. And then we proud her high five. Lock and load, my man. Indeed, sir.

Shall I batten down the hatches as we did in Prague that one time? Yes, indeed. This is going to be a hairy one, I can tell. Indeed. Just like Anakin and Obi-Wan in that elevator talking about their past adventures. The nest of Gundarks. The nest of Gundarks, baby. Oh, man.

I saved you, though, buddy. You, sir, as you know, for the time you saved my life, I owe you a butler life debt, and I'm forever in your charge. Okay, so it is now... It's sleep. It's sleep time. There's no mechanic for this. It's just who wants to go to sleep. The other thing you can do, pick a little reading material before you go to bed. You all got books about...

Please feel free to go. Sounds like we have disadvantage if we don't sleep. I will let you read your book and go to sleep if you want to read your book before you go to sleep. Will putting the book under the pillow help you absorb the information inside of it? Yes. Okay. Hey, DM said it. He said it. We can read our books? Yes, you can read your books. No, you can just sleep on them.

I think mechanically it's going to function the same. I think either way we're going to learn what's inside the books. I will say that's a secret ability Trudy has is if she sleeps on her books, she will be able to absorb it. Oh, like different classes. I love this fucking asymmetry gameplay.

I should have picked the robot class. If I had known that you could fucking sleep on books and absorb it, that's the thing about the robot class. It seems weaker at the beginning, but once you start doing sleep more often as the game goes on, the robot class really starts building. It really snowballs. That mechanic really snowballs with the book knowledge learning. Stop it. We'll nerf it. So we'll say that Ambusher, because he's got the most sleep out of anyone, has volunteered to stand guard on Roz's room to make sure she doesn't escape. I keep Roz in my room. Oh, okay, great. I'm not letting Roz out of my sight. She's tied to the bed.

And I feed her... Where are you sleeping? What do you feed her? Human food. I don't like it when you say it like that. It's not bad. You're thinking about it because it's weird if I'm doing it. But remember, I'm playing a character named Kelsey. And Roz is my sister. Okay? Roz is my sister. No.

He's just playing a woman coming down a hysterical woman. She's been brainwashed by an alien and we have to keep her tied up so that she doesn't walk to her own death. But she still needs food and water. So I'm taking care of her like a good sister.

So I feed her whatever the food the butler brings me. Okay, yeah, he brings you some mousse. I don't think it was going to be a big sandwich. Yeah, some, you know, some gruel. And then I look at my sister, I go, don't worry, Roz, we're going to get through this one. And then I open my brother's diary. Okay. We'll start there. Page one. All right. I know she's my sister, but Kelsey's looking pretty good right now. Oh, my God.

Oh my god! No, no, sorry. I was watching White Lotus. Oh my god. Alright, Kelsey. Okay. Your brother's diary. Tell me. No, no, no. Stepbrother! Stepbrother. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I found out that Kelsey and I are adopted. We're not actually married. Page two. Bye.

Your brother's diary tells the strange tale of his experiences in World War I and beyond. The early entries are all fairly mundane. Details of life in the trenchery camaraderie. Not mundane to me. I like hearing about my brother's little life.

I don't like that little line. That's weird. Camaraderie with his fellow soldiers, etc. But throughout, he dreams of that day he went off to war and the day you warned him of his death at the Battle of Cantigie. He chalked it up to a bad case of nerves from his beloved sister at the time until his division was called up to take the French town of Cantigie on May 28th, just like you had said. During the battle, he foresees a deadly ambush and saves the life of his unit. John is commended for his bravery, but he can't help but be utterly unnerved by the experience. And that's when things take a turn for the truly strange.

Over.

Over time, John makes a disturbing realization. These aren't visions of the future. They're memories of the past. He did die in those battles over and over again. You did warn him, changing his fate again and again. How did you know? What does it mean?

John's not the only one to take notice of his strange run of good fortune. Word gets out first around his unit, then his division, and finally, word gets around to the men in white lab coats from an obscure branch of the military intelligence division. They find his case to be extraordinary. After an initial battery of tests, they postulate all manner of theories with staggering implications for quantum physics, relativity, and of course, the strategic goals of the United States military.

They tell John they want to study him further. There's just one catch. His very existence will become top secret. He can't return home to his family. He'll be one of the countless soldiers who go missing in action in wartime. John wrestles with the decision for days and days. He can barely stomach the idea of never seeing his family again.

But like he always does when he faces a tough moment, he finally asks himself, what would Kelsey do? You were always the brave one, always the curious one, always the one who wanted to know more about the way the world works. So he takes their deal. He becomes classified property of the U.S. government, and he hopes in his final journal entry before being whisked away to God knows where that someday his choice will make you proud. Damn, dude. Oh, Johnny, I never would have left my family.

But he's alive. Okay. And he's adopted. He's adopted. I guess the government can use my hot body for science. No touch. I am property of the government. So, Trudy, as you doze off on your gently used... I'm saying, God bless Kelsey. God bless Francis. God bless Blake. God bless Phoebe. God bless my Timmy. Milton, you forgot Milton.

Under your bed. Before you hear from the wall next to you. And, um, Milton? And, um... And now I'm going to bed and I'm reading my doll maker file. I hope it doesn't give me nightmares. You open up this dossier and amidst the troves of reports, chemical analyses, and the like, you're able to glean the following information.

The Dollmaker is the apex predator of a distant planet called Lanulos. It appears to have traveled from its homeworld and made North America its hunting ground sometime in the late 1600s. It received its name from the way that it turns its prey into living dolls by stinging them with a nerve agent that renders them extremely open to psychic suggestion. It evaded capture for centuries owing to its high intelligence, preternatural stealth abilities, and nigh-indestructible armored carapace.

Its chitinous exoskeleton has one weak point: a nerve cluster in its skull that operates as a multi-sensory organ akin to sight, sound, and smell rolled all into one. For unknown reasons, it will only seek out human prey with Type A-positive blood.

It may attack and dismember people with other blood types, but it will not consume them. You learn that Project Heartland's chief xenobiologist suspects that the Dollmaker travels the cosmos under its own biological power by wings that warp space-time around them, and it carries a large supply of food with it, similar to a dung beetle, to sustain itself on intergalactic voyages. And then you have spooky nightmares about him. Oh, man. Got him. Why did he program me to have spooky nightmares?

Francis, you have your book on cursed guns. Are you going to crack it open? I think Francis is,

is so full of adrenaline and like just stress that he probably sits on his bed and sort of stares into the middle distance for like two hours until his body finally makes him fall asleep. Francis, as you fall asleep, I fall asleep on the book so that all the knowledge still goes into my brain. Oh yeah. Where you spec as a robot class. Do you want to read the book though? In that case, are you? Okay. You haven't gone to sleep yet and you're looking at the wall.

and you hear a voice behind you. And he goes, Hey, Phil, I haven't seen you there for a while. And you realize it's the voice of Sneaky Pete. And as you turn around, he's not there. He's once again behind you, despite the fact that you turned around to look at him. And you quickly realize that you are, in fact, dreaming. You are dreaming a sort of photorealistic dream about the room that you thought you were awake in. How you doing, buddy? I haven't seen you in a while. I haven't seen you out in the astral realm. Yeah.

Why are you here? Well, you know, it's rare that you meet someone else who has the gift, and I thought I'd see you flying around. You know how to do it, right? Yeah. You do? Well, you're not doing it much, so I just want to check in, see how you're doing. Seems like you got a lot on your mind. Most people don't dream weird little dreams about a room that they're sitting in unless they did something real fucked up. Did you do something fucked up, buddy? I want to wake up.

Dream Francis slaps himself as hard as he possibly can. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, what are you doing, Buster? What are you doing? And he does it again. Look, man. Look, hey, I just want to talk to you. Okay, can you? And then as you slap yourself the third time, your hand gets caught and stops and it freezes.

And you feel it's right where that spiral is on your arm. And it begins to sizzle. And you realize it's being grabbed by the hand of one of those shadow figures that stalked you the last time you were in this realm. And you see this thing, this sort of blurry shape holding you. And it looks past your shoulder to Sneaky Pete. And you hear the voice of your mother say, leave us. And then Sneaky Pete just vanishes. And...

The shadows shift and shape around. The figure lets go of your hand and you see your mother now sitting beside you on the bed. I think this won't make for great audio, but I think that Francis would just stare at her with a mixture of confusion and disappointment and rage. I don't think he'd be able to bring himself to say anything. I spoke to your father. This is going to be like that, huh? It's going to be just silence. Silence.

Okay. Well, then you can sit here while I talk and then you can have control of your dream again. Francis, you're a young boy. I'm not going to apologize for keeping things from you. That's my right as a parent to tell you things that are good for you to hear and to protect you from things that are bad for you to hear.

Do I have Brunhilde with me in this dream? Sure, yeah. I tried to shoot her. There's a lock on it, buddy. Oh, fuck, I forgot about that. Yeah, Brunhilde says, oh, now you want me, now you want me. And then your mother looks at the gun and says, shut up. And then Brunhilde just goes quiet. Says, son, your father and I love you. We know what is best for you. And it is not up to you to make this decision about your future. You are going to become the vessel of Zuzel. Do I make myself clear? Yeah.

I'm going to kill you. Okay. Well, that's just juvenile, Francis. I'm going to kill you and I'm going to kill dad and then I'm going to kill myself. And then we'll be done. This fucked up shitty bloodline will come to an end.

after we save the world and it'll be fine this is just every boy goes through this phase where he resents his parents and he hates what they're doing and you know i understand that your father and i want you to grow up and be a brave strong man who can make his own decisions but you are not that man yet you are still a boy you do not understand what is best for you and we know what is best for you so i am telling you right now that this is the program and you're gonna march to it young man there is one thing i understand

Which is that dad doesn't have depth perception anymore. Oh, boy. Your dad, you know, he's such a softie and he sees this side of him in you. He's always the one who wanted to be lenient with you. I've always thought you responded to a firmer hand more than the soft touch. So here's how it is, Francis. You see this mark on your hand and she points to the spiral. Mm-hmm.

That's called a glyph. That's how when your father and I need to track someone in the astral realm, we burn them with this glyph. And then we know where they are. When we are flying through the cosmos, we can track them down, which is now I know right now you are at Blake Lively's house over on L Street, which is how the squad of armed men that are now surrounding this house know where you are. So here are your options, young man. You can either come outside on your own right now

and accept the plan, the program that your father and I have worked very hard to set out for you to make sure that you can survive and thrive, or you can stay in there and die with your friends. If you leave with us, that'll be it. We will leave them alone. I frankly don't give a shit about what happens to them. You can come with us or you can be responsible for all of them dying. So what would you like to do?

I want to wake up. That's not an option. I'm your mother. You need me to do that in real life, no matter what. Francis, I have a tough time trusting you right now. I will exit the house alone. Are you lying to her? No. Okay, young man. I'm going to trust you. But remember...

If you pull some funny business, I have no problem watching as those men drag you out of their kicking screaming. Okay? Okay. She snaps her fingers and you wake up. It's the middle of the night. I'm going to sneak into Kelsey's room and steal the key to the lock on Brunhilde. Unfortunately, in the last episode, Trudy ate it. Okay.

Okay, then I'm going to go to Trudy. You need to come to me, the plumber. Okay, you go to Trudy's room? Yeah. Trudy is asleep on her book, which she absorbed the information from. And he's inside her robot body. Yeah. Have I seen the mole that opens her up?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, we can say that. Then I press that mole. So her... She's like, hi. I mean, I don't want to get weird about this, but like she's wearing clothes. So like you see this plate on her chest pop open a little bit and it stretches against her clothes and then Trudy wakes up. Oh, hi.

Did something happen? Are you okay? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I just need the key. What's wrong? I just need the key real quick. Real quick. I don't believe you. I'll give it back to you. I don't believe you. What do you need it for? No, I really will. Tell me what you need it for. I'm going to get the lock off of Brunhilde.

Why would you need to do that, Francis? I don't really have time to explain. Currently, this house is surrounded, and there's one way I can make sure that you guys don't die in the process. All I need is the key. I'm going to leave the house on my own, but I'm not going to go with them. I promise. With who? The Project Heartland people. They can track me through their dreams. How? Because of the thing on my arm. My family can astral project. We're weird. Oh. It's a weird...

Farnsworth monster thing. You know what? You're talking to Robot Lady here, so I get all about weird. Then you understand why I need to get this gun unlocked. Blake's house is really surrounded? Yes. Okay. Oh, you want the key? Yeah.

I'm going to take the key. I'm going to wake the others and we'll get help. And we've got a staff of 15 people. They're going to attack the second they know all of you are awake. This is the one moment we have where I can surprise them. Rather than they can't ambush you. I'm going to be okay. They need me alive for the whole project. So they're not going to hurt me. But what if they take you? What if they steal you? Kidnap you? If they can find me through the thing on my hand, that means you can probably find a way to find me too. How? You'll figure that out.

I believe in you guys. I believe in you, Francis. I hope that my faith in you is not misplaced. I think you will make the right choice. I hope you will. And I'm going to give you the key. Thank you, Trudy. I really appreciate it. And Francis gives her a hug. You can go back to sleep now. And she turns around. She's like...

Horrible mistake! Francis heads down the stairs, and as he does, he puts the key in the lock and puts the lock in his pocket. You made a good choice, Francis. Let's go make music together, friend. Yeah.

He opens up the front door and steps outside and closes the front door behind him. Do a strength check on the size of the front door. Yes, the massive door opens. And the second you step outside, you see five Bisons step out of the shadows. The two guys on the right and left have flamethrowers. They're ready to fuck this place up. And the one in the front steps up towards you and they reach out your hand and you see a spiral burn mark on their arm as well. And you realize this is your mother. I put the gun to my head and I pull the trigger. What? What?

Mother feel the broken sky feel so twisted in that I can see is a hole in the stars swallowing my dreams and making them scars too far too far away but I'll stay today

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And if you're looking for a punishing system that we can't just fast talk our way out of, this is a series for you. Plus, Matt posts pics of the minis he paints. And I'll say it, I've met the two Matts in the TTRPG show genre. I think our Matt could beat the other Matt in the mini paint-off. I'll put money on it. I'll do it.

Remember that Patreon I was talking about earlier? Well, that Patreon's got folks by the names of Orange Memesicle, Rex Hatfield...

Thank you.

I can see there's a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay The sea is a hole in the stars Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far But I'll stay