S3 Ep. 23 - Paths of Gory
01:54:41 Share

Done.

Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by Trade Coffee. That's inky black. That's sweet hot goo. That's what I call it. That's very not sweet. I got to have my slime in the morning, Freddie. Don't talk to me until I've had my slime. That's right. You got your go-to coffee. It does your job. It gets you going. But hold on.

What if you're missing out? I hate missing out. What is it? I'll buy it. Well, hey, listen, Matt. Trade coffee. That's where they come in. They introduce you to new... Matt's got so much FOMO, he's got faux FOMO. He's got fear of fear of missing out. That was what Winston Churchill said. The only fear we have to fear of missing out is fear of fearing missing out. That's right. Trade coffee. They introduce you to new, freshly roasted coffees that are next level good. Once you taste it, you will know the difference. You will not go back. It will destroy boring coffee in your life forever.

Unlocked Lost, we don't have to go back. Trade is the number one U.S. coffee destination, bringing you fresh coffee from over 50 of the country's top roasters. Trade's experts have taste-tested thousands of coffees to curate over 450 amazing roasts. Whether you're new to coffee or know your favorites, they'll handpick the perfect coffee for you. Just take their quiz, and under a minute, they'll match you with your perfect coffee. And if your first bag isn't quite right, they'll replace that bag for free until they nail it.

Trade's prices are on par with grocery store brands, but the quality? Oh, let's just say these little birdies are doing better than par. Plus, you're supporting local roasters. What? Is it golf? I know, but it was just so confident it came out of nowhere. Where did birdies come from? Because they're saying they're on par with grocery store brands. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Will, you've had trade. What do you think? I've had trade. It's good. They do good work. What'd you get? They hooked me up with some quality beans, Freddie. Do you have any specifics about those beans, Will? They had notes of cherry and vanilla.

And look, I'm not a slime snob. You put any slime in front of me, I'll slam it down. But when I was slamming this slime down, I was like, that slime is pretty nice. Right now, Trade is exclusively offering our listeners 50% off your one-month trial at drinktrade.com slash dungeon. That's drinktrade, T-R-A-D-E dot com slash dungeon. For 50% off your one-month trial, drinktrade.com slash dungeon.

Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy. Just drop in some details about yourself and see if you're eligible to save money when you bundle your home and auto policies. The process only takes minutes, and it could mean hundreds more in your pockets. Visit Progressive.com after this episode to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. And this is actually an especially rowdy episode. So we ask that you have a look at the content warnings in our show notes for details. Red Vines' new Super Ropes. 34 inches of licorice all in one place. This long suite is proud to bring you Peachyville Now.

I'm Walter Newsman, bringing you the news that Pitchieville can use. And thanks to Red Vines, I finally have a licorice that will last our entire broadcast.

If only the teens of our fair city were spending their time eating these delicious treats. Instead, and parents, you best listen carefully, they are honking. The heavy petting, jukebox jiving, drive-in dwelling youngsters are reportedly using a new clandestine code, communicated entirely by the toots and boops of their automobile horns. The police are calling it "Automobile Morse Code."

Teens call it jalopy knees. We call it trouble. Here joining us in the studio tonight to help us crack the most dangerous code since the Enigma machine is local school mom Kelsey Grammer. Welcome, Miss Grammer. It's an honor to be here, Walter. And might I add, your coverage of the Halger Histora was both patriotic and masculine. Oh, thank you, Miss Grammer.

Now then, suppose I've settled into separate beds with a warm glass of milk and my Protestant wife. We're about to doze off when we hear the horn of our Chevrolet outside. How do we tell the difference between a benign beep and some sort of secret teen communique? Well, what you want to be listening for is a short series of honks in a rapid succession. At least that's what I've heard from other people.

Teens, not me. Ah, yes, very well. According to the teens, one honk... ...means I have a boy in the car. Two honks... ...means let's go to the library. Two short honks and then a long honk. Get in the car, Ross. We're going to meet those cute boys from the library. Or so you've heard. Right. Now let's say that I'm trying to tell Ross that I'm outside with her son, that we're being followed by a dangerous cult, there's a monster running around town, and we're here to pick her up and move her to our plumber friend's mansion. That would be...

Now, Miss Grammar, you seem remarkably adept at this form of communication. Well, yeah, I'm a teacher. I hear what the kids, what the teens say. Do you care to comment on the rumors that Jalopanese, rather than being a communist plot to indoctrinate our youth, was in fact invented right here in Peachyville by a promiscuous school mom in her salad days? Promiscuous? I take umbrage with the insinuation, sir. Well, I'm not insinuating anything. I'm merely asking a question. Well, I have a question for you. Why don't you go f*** yourself? Excuse me? You know what I think, Walt?

I think this interview is over. And by the way, your Protestant wife is a... Everybody knows it. Have you no decency, ma'am? Will somebody get her off the stage? Yes. It's ridiculous. Is she gone? Very well. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the vulgar outburst. Rest assured, Miss Grammar will not be returning to the program. Now, um... Up next, a new educational program. A guide to grammar with Kelsey Grammar. Are you... Are you f***ing kidding me?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This season, the Peachyville Horror. A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. My name's Freddie Wong. I played... Hey, thank you. Thank you.

I play deep thinking plumber Blake Lively. Are you going to change your intro from deep thinking plumber? Why? Because we just learned a lot. I just feel like if I now know a lot about Blake or somebody, we're like, hey, what do you know about Blake?

Do you think hand plumber would be the first two words? I'd be like rich fucking war smuggling ex-war investment. Rich war profiteering slow talking deep thinking handyman with a heart and a vault of gold. I can't wait to get to the gold vault this episode. No, we're just going to skip it. Just know that it's there. It's got really hard code on it.

But you know it. Yeah. So we could go if we wanted to. That's true. That's true. But instead of looking at his gold and all of his filthy lucre last episode, a little fact about Blake Lively. Blake Lively, his before bed reading is,

He was browsing through a little book on the teenage mind and what the heck is going on with Francis. He was like, hmm, my conversation with the child was... Oh no, that's so wholesome. Did not seem to go as it planned. I wasn't prepared for this wholesome Blake fact, oh no. I was found wanting and I want to improve myself. I want to improve and I want you to know the way he reads the books is he does it like in the cartoons when they hold it and they lick their hair. Oh yeah, every single page turn. And the little page is...

Unfortunately, since it was the 50s, the book was about how Francis probably was feminized by comic books and jazz music. Yeah, that is his conclusion. It's like, every page is like, make him join the military. Make him join the military. Perhaps Francis is listening to too much of that jazz.

You done? Yeah. We had a long pause with each other. I don't know. It's just awkward. What is going on? I don't know. Matt is just brimming with excitement because there's a big TV. There's a big TV here. Matt, why is there a big TV in this room, Matt? In his mind palace, he's just slowly unraveling the fucking... Matt's ready to tear aside its... It's even still got the

like a blushing bride on her wedding night. It's just usually we don't have like, Freddie doesn't have such like a clean stop and then it's my turn. So I was just waiting. I don't know. Oh, so it's Freddie's fault because Freddie usually sucks and this time he didn't? No, not at all.

Okay, well, hey, everybody. There's a big TV here. I'm really excited about it because we're going to do some work with this TV. It's bigger than the one I have at home, so it's really exciting. You're not going to want to go home. It's a really big TV. Can you clarify that the TV was weirdly cheap and we didn't splurge on a big, stupid TV? Yeah, everybody said, because we need a TV for our office so we could do, like, you know, everybody loves our Twilight watch series and whatnot.

He was like, buy the biggest TV you can for as cheap as possible. Which is, hey, real quick. And I did a pretty good job. That's a basic directive that all dads understand. Yeah, yeah. And TVs are pretty cheap now. So it's a rather inexpensive TV, but it's very big. Anyways, my name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammer, Beachyville's happiest and happiest school mom. And you know what she always says? I love big TVs. You know what she always says? OLEDs are actually not as good as the new mini LEDs.

What she always says is, oh, you wouldn't consider it work to talk about your best friend. So why do you consider a book report work? Just talking. So little fact about Kelsey's, my new least favorite. I might consider it work to write an essay about my best friend. I would. If I were to write an essay about any of you, I'd love it. Be enthusiastic about this and that's your project. That would be so sweet.

We should all get randomly assigned secret Santas where we have to write essays about each other for Christmas. That's really funny. That's a nightmare. This is a five-paragraphed essay about why Beth is great. Yay! In this essay, I will prove three things. Beth is nice. Webster's Dictionary defines great as... Webster's Dictionary defines Beth as... To conclude, Beth is great. And looking into the future, I think we should all appreciate how great Beth is.

Thank you for all this essay. Thank you. Space, space. Unfortunately, Matt, you did not underline your thesis, so. Man, I didn't put my period in the corner. What? Oh, yeah. Period of class, not the punctuation mark. Most essays don't just put a period up in the corner. I mean, you have numbers associated with letters, so I never know what's going to come out of your mouth. Nobody puts period in a corner. That's where the staple goes.

Okay. Is it my turn? I didn't even do my fact yet. I don't want to do it anymore, though. No, tell me. What's the fact? I want to know. Okay. Her biggest victory in Scrabble

Can you guess the word? Zizx. Propio-ception, which is the seventh sense. Fuck you. Which is the sense of self-love. Fuck yourself. And body positions. You got a lot of points for a minute. I don't like this anymore. Her favorite sense of your body awareness. I told you guys and you fell for it. Like where you are. She just loves the feeling of knowing. That's what Virgo fucks with, right? Yeah. Where your hands are when you're just wrapped around a book. She doesn't have to think.

About cradling a book or how to turn pages. It's just there. And her least favorite feeling is when she wakes up and she slept wrong and she can't feel where her legs are. They're asleep. And it's just like, where's my left? Where's my right? Anyways. I'm Anthony Burch and I play Francis Farnsworth. Hello. Shouldn't it be played? We don't know. We don't know. A kid with a gun who is using it in pretty depressing ways. Francis's PG fact is that he has always wanted a greyhound. Specifically,

specifically a black and white one. Oh, wow. And if you hear my voice change or sniffing or any of that stuff, it's because there's a black and white greyhound in the room with us right now, which is actually Amanda's dog. Oh, no, we talked about her and now she's up and at him. Hi. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout. Fun fact. Oh, homemaker, mother of one.

Robot. Fun fact about Trudy is that Trudy never gossips. She just uses encrypted messaging. We're clear on OPSEC, Trudy. No, Beth. No. Okay, that's fine. I liked it. I thought it was timely, too. But it was good, still. Trudy's part of the Peachyville PC small group. Nice. That's a deep cut. That's a deep cut. It's real old.

old reference to that I give a flag a fist and a flame laughing

Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos. I am your peachy master. Your master of ceremonies. Darkness and delights await. I could eat a peach for hours. A little fuzzy, but still eatable. Yes, eatable and edible. And edible. Who knows what's going to happen. My mom ate a peach. Don't say that. He didn't know. Who didn't know? You know. You know.

Why does that sound like I've had experience behind it? Oh, you know. Feels like I've been here before. My creepy fact today is about St. Guinefort. St. Guinefort was a 13th century French greyhound that received local veneration as a saint. Now, before you deploy that, you should hear the tragic tale of St. Guinefort. It can't be worse than what they do to Vince Bay. It fucks his mom up.

Yeah, usually when somebody was a saint, they didn't have like the chillest time. Basically, St. Guinefort's owner was a knight who lived in a castle and like the dog was guarding his baby. And then like one day he comes home and the dog's mouth is covered in blood. He's like, well, my dog ate my baby. So he kills the dog. And then it turns out. And it turns out he was protecting the baby from a venomous snake. And that was why.

That guy made really quick decisions. So then he was real sad. He walked five feet and checked the baby. So they buried the dog in a well and covered it with stones and planted trees around it. And they set up a shrine. And then people venerated the dog as a saint and would go and pray when people had sick kids and stuff like that. So he was kind of like a saint for sick kids. This wound up turning into like a heretical cult.

Protestant churches emerged in the 16th century and criticized the cult of Guinefort, seeing it an example of the abuses and errors of the Catholic Church. And even the Catholics were like, we're going to dial back on calling animals saints. I don't know. We can do that. That's a step too far. So they walked it back. But then community memory of the practices was still present in the 1970s. So the cult of St. Guinefort lasted all the way up until the modern era. Did they have more animal saints?

According to Wikipedia, this was venerated in folk Catholicism. Yeah, it sounds very not real. Or it sounds like it wasn't like the Pope did it. It's not like the Pope went like, Domino's, the dog is out. Matt's Pope impression is so sick, dude. He was definitely doing Father, Son, Holy Ghost with his hands also. There's a bit of a booz-bam.

He rolled up in his armored carriage. Hey, did the Pope have like a Popemobile prior to the Popemobile? Let's fucking, we tarried too long in these waters. I'm excited. Let's do this episode. Well, we don't want to know what happens. We want to know, but we don't. I'm so scared. I'm so nervous about this episode. We'll see how it goes. I'm still in the room, which means that Francis presumably has at least something to say, even if it's just last words. Dodge this.

He said to himself. I have once again wheedled up some bespoke recaps for my players, the four of you. Blake, after a long, crazy adventure making new friends, fighting dinosaurs, and befriending an adorable cat, you're finally back home in your own bed, in your own gigantic mansion. Your ride-or-die butler, Amberster, tucked you in with a fresh hot toddy, and now you're sound asleep. Ah...

Aw, me, me, me, me, me, me. Kelsey, it's been a tough day for the whole Grammar Clan. First, you discovered your sister Roz fell prey to the Dollmaker and has been babbling incoherently about needing to go away on a trip. Then you finally read the journal of your long-lost brother, John, who, after dodging death in World War I time and time again to a series of psychic premonitions, volunteered to have his existence rendered top secret so he could be studied by a shadowy department of the United States government.

What secrets did they discover? Is John still out there? We're probably not finding out anytime soon because Trudy, after dozing off while reading up on the Dollmaker, the vicious insectoid monster whose venom you need to save your son, you are awoken by a distraught Francis asking for the key to unlock Brunhilde, his murderous Nazi rifle, so he could confront an armed group of bisons led by his mother outside. After a heart-to-heart with the troubled teen, you decided to trust him and gave him the key. What could go wrong? Francis...

While sleeping, you were confronted by your mother, Kimon Wan, who told you that she and the Bisons had the house surrounded, and if you gave yourself over to them so you could become the seed bearer of Zuzo, she would let your friends all live. That is kind of edible. Actually, it's reverse edible. You grabbed your gun, got the key from Trudy, faced down your mother outside, and put the gun to your head and pulled the trigger. So we're going to start with Trudy. Yeah, I figured. Trudy, we're going to jump back a couple minutes. Francis has just...

your room. He's sort of marching downstairs. What is Trudy thinking? What is Trudy doing in this moment? Oh, I think I... Oh, I'm not... I shouldn't have... I...

If that was the right thing to... I better go see what's going on. Sometimes it's good just to sleep on it. Kelsey? Is that you? Can you hear me through the wall? Kelsey, you're stirred awake by Trudy knocking at the door. Oh, Trudy! Trudy, what's going on? I...

Francis was, I think we might be in danger. And Francis said that he would address that danger. And I think I've made a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible mistake. Mistake. Okay, just take a breath. The key, I gave it to him. The key that does. At that moment, you hear a deafening boom outside. We need to go. Blake, what's the butler's name? What's the butler's name, Trudy? Alabama.

- Alabaster? - Alabaster, whoever, all the people. - I start running down towards the front door, I guess. - Okay. - I'm assuming with Trudy in tow. - As you are running towards the front door, you hear a gun fight erupt around you outside. So you see a bullet smash through the window. - Dang, you see a bullet? - I literally instinctively, Freddy, I took off my shoe to throw it at you. I just wanted you to know that. - Freddy was about to get the chancla. - We're gonna jump back two minutes.

To Blake. No, to Francis. Oh, okay. We can jump back to you. Would you like to jump back to you first? Yeah, do it. Fuck it. What were you doing? I was just having a chat with Ambruster. So ceaselessly, we are born back into the past, boats against the current. Well, I've read you the whole book. Are you ready to go to sleep? Yes. I can't stop thinking about Francis. I think I know what the boy needs. And what does that say? Baseball. Baseball. Team sports. Indeed. Yes.

That's it. Scene. You know he was in a bowling league, right? And then you hear a massive gunshot go off. The butler, what's the butler's name? What's the butler's name? Alex!

My name is Emberstone. They can't be talking about you. Francis. Yes. When last we left, you were standing, staring down your mom and this sort of phalanx of bisons behind her. A couple guys with flamethrowers, other guys with guns, some serious looking dudes. You raised Brunhilde to your head and you pulled the trigger. Give me a willpower roll. It's going to be a hard pass.

So I rolled a 43 and my pal is 40. So in order to beat it, I would have to spend like 23 points, which I'm not going to do. Yeah, but where you're going, you don't need no luck. You don't need no luck.

As you squeeze the trigger, you brace yourself, feeling that Brunhilde is going to resist you. And you feel like you don't have enough power to resist her. But then you realize that that doesn't matter because she's going to let this happen. In fact, you feel with a sort of twinge of sadness as her finger slides around yours to help you pull the trigger. Right as you start to do that, you hear a deafening boom. You feel a bullet slam into your kneecap.

At the same time, you pull this trigger. You feel the spark ignite in the barrel, and the bullet roar out of the gun, but you're collapsing as you fall to the ground. So we're going to do a couple of rolls right now, Anthony. The first thing we're going to do is roll damage for this bullet that just hit your knee. What's your HP? Seven. He rolled a four.

So that is a major wound, though, because that's over half your health. Yes. This bullet slams into your knee, and frankly, it obliterates your leg. Your kneecap just explodes in front of you. You feel searing hot pain racing through your body. You collapse. The gun in your hand tilts up right as you pull the trigger. So now we're going to do a luck roll to see if your gun, if Brunhilde manages to injure you at all.

So my luck is 79, and I rolled a 39. Okay, so that is a super-duper success. Super success. So you hear another almost simultaneous with the first blast. In fact, someone listening from maybe inside the house would hear it as well. As you collapse, the barrel moves a fraction of an inch, and you feel the heat erupting out of the barrel of this gun. You hear the deafening blast of this rifle going off right in your face, and you feel shuddering.

just the flames belching out of the barrel and singeing the front of your face. Give me a constitution saving throw. We're going to do two. This will be the first one to see if you were blinded by the muzzle flash. My constitution is 25. I rolled a 45. So yes, I'm blind. Okay. So yes, you're temporarily blinded by this dazzling blast of light. Now give me a second roll. This is to see if you pass out on the ground from the major wound you just took to your leg.

My constitution is 25 and I rolled a 32, but I'm going to spend seven luck to not fall unconscious. Okay, great. So you slam onto the ground. Again, you're just in this agonizing pain and you look down and you see that in fact the lower half of your leg has been completely blown off by this shot. So around you, pure pandemonium, as you hit the ground, you look up in shock. You see the stunned look in your mother's face. She whirls around as does everybody else to find the source of the shot when boom!

Another shot rips out and picks off one of the bison standing behind her, and he just spins onto the ground. She points to two guys in front of her and tells them to cover her while she nods to the two guys with flamethrowers to her side to burn the house down behind you. One of the bisons, as he's scrambling for cover, fumbles in his pocket and pulls out a flashlight. He aims it up across the street towards the source of the gunshots, revealing up in a tree,

clutching a rifle, covered in shadow, his eyes burning with determination and hatred in equal measure. Sheriff Shane Silva. Whoa! Rifle smoking in his hand. And with that, we're going to start combat. Trey, do you have the initiative stat for your 15 servants? I do have a house full of trained ninja assassins. You have 13 servants. That is correct. They're in another house right now. That's true. You did say they have their own quarters. They are in their own quarters.

At least the security guard must have been out and about. Or maybe they're dead. We didn't have a security guard, if you recall. Yeah, we had a lot of lawyers. We had a lot of lawyers, but they're all ex-militarians. But they're all ninjas. Okay, well, how big is this combat that we're about to do? Let's see. All right. One, two, three, four, five.

Are we about to enter the thickest combat of our careers? This is a monster one. It already sounds comparable to the season one finale in terms of number of moving parts. So there's 12 people in the turn order. And then, yes, in terms of henchmen, the henchmen are grouped up in those. The first person in our turn order is, in fact, B.

BB Britannica blue who bursts out of her room with the sound of gunshots slingshot in hand. And she's like, I heard shooting what's going on. And she had the door. Like, so here's what I think. You were Johnny on the spot, Matt, you were ready to run. So Kelsey's like halfway down the stairs. Everyone else is like on the second story landing. Do you know, like in like a rom-com when the pretty lady walks down the stairs? I love that.

And there's like that banister on the second level. That was so romantic the way you said that. That was adorable. And then she's like, here she comes. It's like, you guys are all on the banister part, but you're the pretty lady. I'm the pretty lady, yeah. Underneath a giant painting of Blake Lively. Yes, yes. You're the pretty lady running down the stairs right now. Does my dad see me? Your dad sheds a little tear. That's my girl. And then Trudy, you're right behind her. Everyone else is like just coming out of their rooms. Okay, so we're running. Just the details. Is the door open? Did Francis close the door? Francis closed the door.

So we don't see his body on the ground. You see Chastity, the maidswoman, which is not a real thing. I don't know what a maidswoman is, but she's at the door. She's got a shotgun with her. She's like looking out the window. Bebe bursts out of her room and is the first one out. Bebe, Bebe, find Milton. Make sure you're okay. Just hide and stay safe, okay? Got it.

Great. That's one turn down. Man, boom, we're moving through. Wow, dude. One less person. And Milton's not going to show up. I don't know if you rolled for Milton. Oh, yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah, she rushes into Milton's room and you hear like, can you hear Milton go, oh, no. Stay away from the windows. Yes. Oh, there you go. Good job, Trudy. The two of them are hunkered down in their bedroom right now. Blake, it is now your turn. You're Abraster return fire from the windows. Very good, sir. I shall retrieve the... Go to the cool gun room that we had built.

Where's the cool gun room in your mansion? You have to go into the library and you pull one of those plaster busts that looks like, oh, it opens to a secret passage. The plaster bust is just a plaster gun. And you pull it and then the bookshelf opens and inside it's a cool gun room.

So yes, you are ordering Amberstern to the library gun room. I'm ordering Amberstern to the library to get load up. Very good size, road full of width, all manner of machinery and weaponry for our guests. And then I'm going to go to one of the rooms on the second floor, I think. Probably my room would have like a little overlook onto what's out there. Yes. I, of course, sleep.

With one eye open. And I got a rifle in my room. Okay. And so I want to be armed up and I want to just check out the window and look for targets of opportunity. So you peer out the window and you see Francis lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. Two bisons drop pistols and sort of fall back to cover Francis.

Kimon Wan as she moves towards Francis and they're firing at someone in a tree across the street. You can't really make them out. And then you also see two bisons with flamethrowers approaching the house, like ready to torch it. I want to... Back of the flamethrower, dude. Oh, dude, can I get this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. Video games have taught me well.

I would like to shoot one of the flamethrower guys, but specifically aim at him. So I would like to aim the rifle. Aim at him? No, no, no. Aim at the... A lot of people don't do this when they have a gun. But I... Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Hit me up. Above his shoulder so he hit the tank. Well, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing. In Call of Cthulhu, I believe there's an aim mechanic. I believe so, yes. So instead of firing right away, you can spend a turn...

like aiming and then the next round you get like a bonus die or something. Yeah, I'll throw that to you. I believe it's something like that. Yes. If you take this turn to entirely focus on lining up a shot, I'll let you shoot at him with a bonus die next turn. Okay. And I want to aim at the back of his thing so he goes. I will warn you the longer you wait, the closer he gets to the house. Yeah, but he gets one. I got one turn to aim.

Okay. All right. Blake is taking lethal aim. Kamon Juan is going to sprint towards you, Francis. And so she's able to this turn, get to you and grab you. And she's just like, what the hell are you doing? What are you thinking? I think Francis is ignoring her and looking at big dad Shane. Okay. Across the street. Seeing you're ignoring her. She's just going to grab you and she's going to start dragging you towards this van. The Bisons came in like a van. Okay.

It is now the front of the house Bison's turn. I shouldn't have said front of the house. That was a mistake. Don't worry about that. Two of these guys are going to take shots at Shane. They both miss. And then the two flamethrower guys are going to advance to the house. And since I'm feeling nice, we'll say that on their next turn, they're going to take a shot at Shane.

they are going to start burning the house down. Got it. You see them spark up their flamethrowers. They're taking aim at the most flammable parts of this big wooden house. Wear the talking heads when you need them. Ah, that was a good one. Yeah, I can tell by your reaction. Ah, I like that. Burning down the house.

Just kill my character. It's fine. No! No! Francis, it is now your turn. Is she like pulling me by my remaining leg? No, she's got you like in your armpits. She's like grabbing you from behind. So I think Francis, when the pain explodes in his mind and in his leg as suddenly and as horribly as it does,

depression and shame kind of morphs into a lizard brain kind of instinctual anger. So I think he's going to try to raise his gun up and point it at his mom and pull the trigger. Give me a firearms roll with disadvantage. So the other thing I want to remind you of is, sorry, what? 97. Wow. Okay. That's a fumble, right? Yes. The 96 or above is a fumble. Okay. Okay.

A car 98K clip has five rounds. I'm assuming this thing was fully loaded. Yeah. Like Herbie. Like Herbie. You took one shot already. This will be your second shot. So you'll have three more after this. Okay. What should happen on a fumble? Give me a luck roll. That is a 26 out of 79, so a super success. Give me another constitution roll then. It's a 24. My constitution is 25. I pass. Ooh.

Okay, in that case, you are not deaf in one ear as you basically shoot this gun and the bullet whizzes past you and the heat blasts up next to you. That's my strong ear. But you manage to hang in there. Your mom is just terrified. So the next thing she's going to do on her turn is try to get this gun away from you because she realizes what you're doing.

Kelsey, it's now your turn. So Chastity's at the door with a shotgun. Chastity's at the door with a shotgun. She's looking or whatever. Yeah, she's going to run down the stairs. And are there like any, you know, decorative windows around the door? Can I peek out to see what's happening? Yeah, we'll say that you see Kimon Wan dragging Francis. Okay. But you can't tell anything past that other than there appears to be a lot of blood. As you run down the stairs and go towards the front door, Chastity turns around.

And closes the door shut behind her, backs up against it and points the shotgun at you and says, I'm so sorry, miss.

We all can't let you go out there. Kelsey runs. She runs to the door. And I'm running. I was like, get out of the way. I got to see what's happening, Francis. Okay. She is going to fire at you. What? Okay. I train my staff better than that. Yeah, Jesus fuck. Did you? Not befitting of a host. Well, actually, you know what? She can't fire on you until her turn. That's a her turn activity. But she can fight back.

So what are you doing? She's pointing a shotgun at you. I'm like, what are you doing? I need to see what's happening with him. That boy belongs to Zuzel. There we go. Praise be to Zuzel, that boy is his. Zuzel, why don't you all just stop hurting each other? And I'm going to cast a spell I learned. Whoa.

Magic user over here. Zuzel remembering. Check out Merlin over here, guys. This is the spell you learned from the book. And I scream stop, and I'm going to cast Rack. It's going to cost me one sanity point. Okay. Rack temporarily incapacitates a single target. Holy shit. The caster must be 10 yards or less distant. Succeeding the spell effect takes place after one round of confusing hand gestures. Intense racking pain.

sees the target finger tutting the face and hands blister and drip fluid the eyes cloud with blood and become temporary sightless the effect lasts 1d6 rounds after which sight returns and then it takes 3d 10 minutes for them to fully recover so essentially they just like start bleeding their eyes boils start appearing they fucking can't do anything for 1d6 rounds they can't do anything or they're incapacitated okay

Then 3d6 minutes is they're fully recovered. I was looking at some sites. They say like, it's kind of up to you in terms of like, whether they gradually gain. Yeah. They're like vomiting still. Maybe they have disadvantage or whatever it is. I have six magic points and this costs three magic points. Okay. So I can do this twice before I know how resting works. What is the role? So suppose pal. So now we both roll pal. I'm so fucking stoked. We're casting a spell. Spell time.

Now, this is your first time casting this spell, right? Casting a new spell for the first time requires a hard POW success. So start there. Oh, no. No, no. It's good and bad. I mean, it's good. Interesting. Guys, I didn't realize all this would be POW because I don't know how magic works. My POW is only 25. Oh, no. Oh, no.

But I rolled a four. This is a super duper success. I'm burying the lead, man. Holy shit. I'm just like, oh, no, I don't know how many times I'm going to be able to cast this. Well, I still don't understand. This is only for the first time. No, you don't have to do this again. Dude, you fucking nailed it on the first try, dude. Give me your power roll. 32. So I have to succeed. And you have to succeed at a level higher than the target. Yeah, but can I see if they succeed before I use my luck? How does that work? It would be an opposed roll, right? Yes. You could also push your roll.

No, dude. At 25? I can't use luck.

I don't know. That's close enough. She's okay. I just want to make sure before I figure out the frigging likelihood of this succeeding, this character, she's an old lady, older than the Butler. Her pal better be said like she should what? 70, 60. I know how many points goes down. I don't want some bullshit character sheet. You find a 70 year old woman. Look, I went to the dole house.com, which has a whole character library. And I looked up the oldest maid I could find. And I downloaded her character sheet. That's what we're working with.

You fucked! No! No, man! You don't get to look at that!

He's trusting the verifying. What do you guys think? I have 47 luck. I can spend 7 luck to get a success or I can spend 20 luck to get a super success. 20 is a lot, dude. You got a bet on a failure here. What if you spent like 10? Beth, that's pretty good. I'll spend 8 just for you. Okay, I'm going to spend 7 luck to make it a success. She rolled a 91. Oh, thank God. You like...

fucking blast her with this spell and she staggers back for a second but then she's like oh you think you're the first one to use the ancient magics on me which I've been around for many and you just like grit it out a little bit more and then she just rots and her eyes roll over and she starts bleeding from every orifice in her body and she collapses on the ground and she's like oh lord this is way worse oh my god you just

I don't know. It's not Zuzel. That was incredible. It's not Zuzel. It's not Zuzel. Your power grows, Kelsey. Good. Use it. Yes. I pick up the shotgun she had, and I'm going to open the door. I figure, like, that's my turn. I don't get to also shoot stuff, but I want to see. Your next turn, you can open the door, but you have her shotgun. I can't even look in the door yet. Okay, I have her shotgun. Yeah. I think I'm a monster. Oh, no. Let's not get into that. Let's save that for another day.

another date and talk about that. Yeah, I'm just doing this all. I'm just trying to take out these fucking turns they got to manage. I know. I appreciate it. So yes, Chastity is down for the count. Oh, I got to figure out how many rolls she's incapacitated for, right? Incapacitating effects last for 1d6 rounds. Two. Two rounds. So she's down for two rounds. Two rounds and then being sick or whatever for 3d10 minutes. Correct. But she can start moving and stuff after the

It's up to you how you want it. Okay. She's a pretty old lady. It sounds like she took a pretty bad fall. Can you check the constitution of her hip? 14 minutes to recover. 14 minutes to fully recover. Okay. All right, great. That's up to your discretion. That's wild to me because like if I was bleeding from every... Yeah, I know. This would be like, I'd be out for, you know... 14 minutes takes me... No, I'm tough. 14 minutes is how long it takes for me to recover from Taco Bell. Yeah.

We'll worry about that in two rounds. Mr. Fucking tough fucking metabolism over here. I feel like the number of combats we've had that has lasted more than two rounds is pretty minimal. Okay. We can always put her out of her misery too. Chastity is down. She's writhing around. You guys hear from upstairs. BB say, we got a problem. We got a problem here. Big problem. I'll go see what's going on upstairs. Tell us what the problem is. There's,

guys in the back of the house. There's more guys with flamethrowers and guns. Oh, they've got it surrounded up here. It's time to start pressing those moles, Trudy. laughter

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Factor. Make this your best season yet with nutritious two-minute meals from Factor. Unlike Matt, who crams down his meals two minutes before we record our ads. Eating well has never been this easy. Heat it up and enjoy, giving you more time to do what you want. Get outside instead of prepping and cooking. It's so funny because it's like I'm so... I'm prepping another way. I know. Literally, I saw the word prepping and I was like,

Go bag. Factor meals arrive fresh and ready to eat. Perfect for any active lifestyle, on the run, on the go. With 45 weekly menu options, you can pick gourmet meals that fit your goals. Choose from. You ready, Matt? Give me those choices. Calorie smart, protein plus. They got keto.

They got keto. They got keto. They got keto. And more. Factor powers your day with satisfying breakfast, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks. Premium dinner is my nickname for Matt. It's easy to savor more this spring. Factor Meal's packed in the flavor with none of the fuss. I hate fuss. I hate fuss. I love Factor. Who on Factor? Best on Factor. Yeah. What I like about Factor is, you know, I choose my four...

meals a week and then I'm like dude I'm still scrolling there's still more options it's the opposite of gym scrolling it's food scrolling food scrolling get started at factormeals.com slash daddies 50 off and use code daddies 50 off and that by the way that's daddies 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box that's code daddies 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping

Dungeons and Dragons brought to you this week by Rocket Money. You can take that money, put it in a rocket, and blast it off into space. No, that's not being smart with your money, but Rocket Money helps you by being smart with your money by finding unwanted subscriptions and blasting them into space. Venting them into the Atmo-less

black inky expanse like in Battlestar Galactica. Yes. Rocket Money monitors your spending, helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings, see all your subscriptions in one place, see where your subs are, know where that money is going. If you don't want any more Rocket Money, help you cancel them. You can also create a budget with custom categories. It's just helping.

Just helping with your money. If bills go up, Rocket Money lets you know. Unusual spending activity. Rocket Money's got your back. Do you want to negotiate a lower bill? Rocket Money will call them. They'll bring out the fixer. They'll bring out the fixer. Ben Affleck, the accountant to...

Rocket Money is over 5 million users. That's his job in the second movie. He's just canceling unwanted subscriptions by any means necessary. Cancel the subscription or I'll cancel you. Rocket Money is over 5 million users. To save the total of $500 million and cancel subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features, cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash daddies today. That's rocketmoney.com slash daddies. rocketmoney.com slash daddies.

Dungeons and Dags is brought to you this week by SimpliSafe. You got a place. You got shady characters hanging around your place. Freddy keeps coming around my place. I know. I don't want him there anymore. Well, guess what? SimpliSafe is the answer for taking care of shady characters.

shady individuals such as myself lingering and lurking outside your windows. SimplySafe's home security. It's the new standard in it because they have this, they got a lot of features. One in particular, active guard outdoor protection, live professional monitoring agents, AI-powered cameras backed by live professional monitoring agents, basically image checks to be like, hey, is this just the mailman or is this someone malingering? Which by the way means that there's always somebody for you to talk to.

It's true. That's one of the side effects of a security system is that if you're locked out, you can look at the cameras and be like, hey, I'm out here. I meant just like hang out. Listen to this. If someone's lurking around or acts suspiciously, agency and talk to them in real time. Activate spotlights. Thinking

They can deter threats before it becomes a crisis. No long-term contracts or cancellation fees. Monitoring plans start affordably at around $1 a day. More than 4 million Americans use and trust SimpliSafe. 60-day satisfaction guarantee. Best home security system of 2025 by CNET. Now, that's a name we haven't heard in a while. Number one in customer service among home security providers, according to Newsweek and USA Today. I'll tell you what, I've been broken into. I've had... No, you actually have. I have.

And I had to kind of like be like, I had to talk to the security in my building and be like, you know, chummy with them. No, SimpliSafe. If I had SimpliSafe, I could just get access to those cameras. Listeners, you can get 50% off your new SimpliSafe system with professional monitoring and your first month free at SimpliSafe, S-I-M-P-L-I-Safe.com slash dungeons. SimpliSafe.com slash dungeons. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. Afila One, a whole new electric car from Sony Honda Mobility.

Intelligent presence accompanies every mile. Let your Afila One drive or take the wheel yourself. Immerse yourself in cinematic visuals and 360 spatial sound. When you move with Afila One, the journey is a wonderful destination. Afila One. Wonderbound.

It is now Shane's turn. Shane is going to take a shot at one of the two guys who are firing at him. Big Shane Silver. Oh, he got a 14. Okay, kablamo. Shooting from the trees. What did we say the gun was? Probably a Springfield. Yeah, and he's American. 2D6 plus 4. 13 damage. Okay, so this guy just got pasted in the fucking face. Big Shane Silver. Avenging his son's knees. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

They call him Big Shane the Silver. I think we got our next intro song. He's like real fucked up because he could just let you kill yourself. I know. He's like, I want you to suffer. He's going to make me suffer. Amber stirs turn. He's made it to the library and he's now pulling the bust to open the gun room. And it'd be clear the bust is a cast of a big Tommy gun. Subtle. Subtle. You pull the trigger and the room opens. I don't think we

Just grab anything you see. There's a good chance it's a gun. It's Milton's turn. Trudy, Miss Grammer, I mean, Kelsey, is anyone looking out for my mom? Where's my mom? What? I mean, what? She's...

She's somewhere. Yeah, and then on that, you hear Roz, your sister, screaming in her bed. I have to go! I have to go! She's as safe as you can be. Just hide. Hide. Either we all die or we all live, so just hide. Milton, are you listening? It's your turn, by the way, now. It was my turn. Oh, well, you can tell Milton to do something. He'll do it. Milton, these flamethrowers, we need... Oh, gosh, that's bad! We need the house wet. We need to create a plumbing disaster here.

So that the house will be protected. You can count on me. Dude, Milton's about to blow up the downstairs toilet. I've never met a toilet I couldn't ruin. Milton's going to have a little scene where she runs up to his mom. He's going to slap her awake and be like, Mom, Mom.

Mom, you know how you don't like leaving water on the floor. Now's the time to go crazy. Brilliant. Milton's going to go sort of fumble his way towards the upstairs guest bathroom. So I'm on my way upstairs to help out B.B. and Milton. What is the decor in this house on the walls? What is the decor on the house in the walls?

That's like a kid's story. There's a gun safe in the corner with a floor lamp on it. Okay. Okay. Eight zero zero eight five. Oh, you'll have to do it. It's unlocked. Oh, okay.

Okay. All right, all right.

He didn't time gate that. That's true. That's true. We're going on this one. What kind of gun is it, Freddie? I'm not the specific on the type of gun. Probably handgun. Okay. All right. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty

Vertical foregrip? Oh, can we customize it like in Call of Duty? Okay, well, if that's the case, it has the cool camo. Roll me a d20. I'm looking at the table of handguns in Call of Cthulhu, and depending on what Beth rolls, I'm just going to count until I find the gun. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Natty 20. Wow. It's got to be the best one. He gets exactly what he was just saying. I get the best one. I get the best one. I get the best one. You're literally going to scream when you read this, and it technically doesn't work, but I do think that we should give it to Beth. Just the last one on the handguns pitch. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Beth, as you pull open the safe, you find in there, all you CSGO players will know this as B-1-7, the IMI Desert Eagle. You got the deagle, dude. You got a deagle on the Byron.

dude. Oh, hell yeah. Which is the most powerful handgun capable to shoot a 50 caliber bullet. Only pistol in the game that can headshot somebody and kill them in one hit. So this gun was created in 1979. So we'll say that this is a prototype. This is a prototype. Prototype. This is the original prototype of the Desert Eagle. Got a very big handgun. It was the, it takes two hands to even hold it. Oh, wow. The forest condor. Oh, okay. Okay.

What a dumb joke. I'm always there for you. You now have a huge handgun. I'm going to go towards the size of your thigh. Wow. Is that implying? Keep going, Freddie. That's just the size of the handgun you have. So is that he wouldn't be able to say that to other women? Just specifically Beth's thigh. I've never heard anybody compare the size of somebody else's thigh. Shall I compare you to a summer's thigh? Oh, God.

Thou art just as thick. Side note about the Desert Eagle, the company that made it actively solicited movies to use it in their movies. So that's why it's really well known. It's the gun that the agents have in the Matrix. Oh, wow. I would like to at least look out the window to see what I'm dealing with. Okay, great. Are you looking out a window towards the front of the house or the back of the house or the side? You know that there's guys in the front of the house that Kelsey's currently looking at. You just heard from Bebe that there's guys around back.

Blake is taking aim outside the front of the house, so it's up to you. This is a tactical decision on my part because, you know, I know that if Trudy sees Francis in peril, she will go back downstairs. But I think if I'm looking out, like, BB and Milton were worried about something behind the house. Mm-hmm. Trudy's going to look outside behind the house. When you look out back, there's another guy with a flamethrower coming up towards the house.

With him are two bisons, one of whom is lighting up a Molotov cocktail and getting ready to throw it at the open window that you're currently in. Is there a bathroom in this room? Yeah, sure. There's a bathroom in this room. It's en suite. There's got to be, right? If Blake the plumber is building a house for himself, you know there's toilets everywhere. His favorite thing about houses is finding out where the bathrooms are. That's correct. He's like, in my house, they can be everywhere. We'll say there's four bedrooms up here. Every bedroom has an en suite toilet.

It's just in the bedroom. It's not in his own bathroom. Trudy is going to close the window. Nice. And then aim the desert eagle at the pipe behind the toilet. Fuck yes. And shoot. Can she do the thing in Hard World where she takes a bullet out? Oh, yeah. She puts it in the hole in the pipe and then walks away and raises the gun and he's going to shoot the bullet. And he's like, I have you. And he looks away and he turns his head really fast and he shoots the bullet and the gun zooms in and punches Zoom on the bullet. Unfortunately, that's not what Beth decided to do. Once you get your own desert eagle...

I'm sorry I decided not to do that. It's your first time with a Desert Eagle. Do you see anything badass like do not go in there when you shoot the fucking... Do not go in there. The baddest ass line that's ever been in the... Fucking all cinema, dude. My favorite badass line in cinema. We're going to need some extra time.

Kablamo! This gun bucks in your hand like a wild stallion. Wow! And the porcelain throne erupts and a geyser of water sprays out into the open room because, again, as we said, Blake's a freak who's just putting these toilets in. This is actually a real thing, by the way. When my parents bought their house, it was custom built by the architect of the house. It was like

It was like his home and he designed it with just a toilet in the master bedroom. Weird. Like in the bedroom, like in the middle of the bedroom there was a toilet and they had to like redo it to get it removed. That's a freaky guy. Yeah, so Blake being a certified freak like the guy who built my parents' house has put a toilet in this room and it explodes and sure enough it's like a

It's like a fire hydrant's gone off. There's water spraying all over. It's spraying everywhere. Does it get onto the framed monograph of the Second Amendment that's over every toilet? Yes, it does. It's all right. There's many of those. I didn't get into it, but nobody really cared about the Second Amendment until the 1970s and 1980s when the black people started getting guns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Blake... Blake was the first one.

Blake was ahead of his time in many ways. It's Bebe's turn. Bebe is in the next en suite bedroom picking up what you're laying down. She's going to try to open this toilet up. She does not have a gun, so she's going to have to make a mechanical repair roll to see if she can figure out how to get this toilet to stop and off. Freya, you bring up a good point. Yeah.

You bring up a good point. What point? Whether or not you want to fail or succeed, it's based off of what you want to do, right? Oh, dang, you're right. So if you tell Will you want to do the opposite, like, look at your stats.

If you got a bad step, be like, I want to power gamer Matt Arnold. I want to break the car. This is like how Douglas Adams describes flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing. Okay. So BB's mechanical repair score is a 10.

She rolled an 11. After all the fucking mysteries that she's fucking solved? Well, that's your department. She hasn't solved a lot of car mysteries. She can use one luck, right? She's got luck. She's going to use her luck. And so, yes, she manages to wrench open the pipe so that it starts spraying water, not as gloriously as the exploded toilet that fucking Trudy just busted open with her 50-cow bullet.

But yes, you now have two of four bathrooms upstairs flooding water into the rooms, which will hopefully keep the second floor from burning slightly less fast when and if it gets lit on fire. It's Blake's turn. Blake hears beep, beep, beep, beep, and he looks at his watch and there's two red LEDs. Two toilets are out of commission. What's happening?

He doesn't have an alert when his gun stays open. He does have an alert for this. Oh, yeah. He knows the saddest. When someone's in the toilet, yellow. When there's a toilet emergency, it goes red. Otherwise, if all... It doesn't go brown? No. And then otherwise, when all systems are go, it's green. Yes. Two of your four upstairs LEDs on your complicated one. But Blake can't think of that right now because he's taking deadly aim. Freddie, give me a sanity roll. Ha ha ha ha!

Okay. You want to play this fucking game? I do. You want to play this fucking 29 out of 85? In that case, you're able to put your concern over your toilets aside momentarily, even though they're soaking into your precious carpet, causing all sorts of mayhem. You're able to put that aside, and you will not have disadvantage on your actions this round. All right. Well, I've aimed the previous round, so I'm taking a shot now at the closest flamethrower guy. Okay. Oh, I wait until both of their heads line up.

You know what I mean? They don't. They don't line up. They don't line up. They didn't do that. He's been waiting for a long time. They're at different sides of the house. I don't know what to tell you. Okay, fine. Two guys with flamethrowers are not going to line up for you. That's true. That's true. Let's make sure we're as close to each other as possible. Hey, I hate to break it to you. I took geometry. Two points in space create a line. Two points in space define a line. They do, but three points in space do not always create a line. And you're the third point. The third point creates a plane.

And it's plain to me that one of these men must die. All right, pull the fucking trigger. Blammo! You need to roll something. It's not nearly as fun as saying blammo. Esther, can you give us a real good, like, blammo sound effect? Esther, please edit yourself in saying no. I'm just going to meet y'all in the middle and put some spice on Freddy's saying-ka-blammo. Hell yeah.

What is your firearm skill? It's pretty realistic. Sounds bad. Rifle shotgun is 25. All right, well, it's a good thing you aimed. Yeah. Give me a shot with advantage.

25 on the nose. So I could get a 15 or an 05. Oh, and I do! I got the 0, so it's a 5. You got a 5? I got a 5, which is a super duper success for firearms. And... It's the most like a kid you've ever seen at any point. And... I've never seen him so happy. And... I'm checking the

box next to it on my character sheet as I hope to improve this as time goes on. We should have taken a penalty dice for it being a targeted shot. No, I aim though. Regardless, regardless, regardless, you rolled real good. So yes, you hit the canister on this flamethrower guy's flamethrower and he explodes. There's just a ball of fire towards like the front right side of the house pretty close under your window. And as this happens,

Blake, under his breath, goes, one more for the pile. So here's what we're going to do. He's a complicated guy. We are going to do. He went to war. Yeah, I know. That's what they're all like when they come back. Yeah, they're all badasses. They're all cool badasses. Is that what he says when he gets some Nazi treasure? He just goes into his big Scrooge McDuck room and throws it in and goes, another one.

for a while. He's just got nothing in his life. It's just fucking empty vault of Nazi gold and fucking 13 servants he's not friends with. He just fucking spends his life looking at people's bathrooms for just wanting to moan about humanity. Just the tiniest bit. Just trying to connect with somebody. Just because you said that, I'm going to make him be friendly with everybody on the staff. Everyone's going to love him on the staff now. When he sees people on the staff, they're going to be like,

Blake, how's everything going? It's going to be long, detailed conversations. We're going to talk to all your servants behind your back and get the real scoop on Blake. Stop the madness!

You're not taking Blake away from me this time, Matt. I let you run roughshod over. I just, I just, I just simply summarize what you've done to him. The last three episodes is all I did. Blake, give me a luck roll. Fucking catching strays. 66 out of 31 failed. Okay. So in that case, your house does catch on fire. Oh,

So yes, this fireball, like it's just blasting flaming. Should my house be doing the role? That's not me. It's your house. If I shot a flamethrower guy outside my house and the explosion fucking lit my house on fire, I would consider that my luck being bad. Freddie, you should have just said you wanted your house to get set on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I built it with all these flammable materials. That's great. Your house is now on fire. And then since I was in place, I'm going to take my next action is to move to just move out of that because obviously everyone's going to be aware of where that shot comes from. Okay, great. So now you're running. And as I'm repositioning, I go, how ironic that man still accomplished his task despite exploding. That's the definition of irony. It's like rain. Yeah.

It is now Kimon Wan's turn. She is going to try to wrestle the gun away from you, Francis. A gun wrestling roll. Do you want to try to dodge her, fight back, or do a sort of counter maneuver? Dodge her. So it's just going to be her fighting Brawl against your dodge. I got a three. Wow. Holy shit. Okay, that's good. What a shifty little guy. She got a 53 out of 65. So...

So she, Normie success, despite years of trying to wrangle you into clothes when you were a toddler and buckle you into a, well not seatbelts, but just trying to manhandle you throughout your rambunctious youth into getting into various vehicles and buildings. She's unable to grab this gun away from you. She lunges for it and you pull it away from her just in time.

It is now the rest of the front of the house. Bison's turn. So the one that is still standing is going to take a shot at Shane. Big Shane Silver. Big Shane Silver. Hiding in the trees. Fuck, dude. I bet Shane's the coolest character. Oh, fuck. He gets a very good success. So he's going to roll damage on Shane. His name was Shane Silver.

- Big Shane. - He gets a big piece out of Shane. He fires back up with him and gets this lucky shot. Shane takes a bullet right in the stomach and falls out of the tree. He's still up, he's not unconscious, but he's slammed into the ground. The other bison out here is the other guy with the flamethrower. Unobstructed, he's just gonna open up with his flamethrower on the side of the house.

And now the house is burning from two sides of the front. So it's going to start getting smoky in here. Dude, you're about to lose your house. It's okay. They are only things. Things come and go. You also have two other houses. Also, I can just use the other houses. Wow. Amberster returns from the hidden gun room in the library. Dude, he looks like the machine in Robocop. He looks... At 209. He's got a sort of Daniel Day-Lewis, Last of the Mohicans...

Nice. Where he's just got like some rifles and some pistols sort of in his hands. And he's just sort of like come out into the middle of the room. If anyone would like to partake of one of our many firearms, please do so. So that's going to be his turn. He's just making himself available to you guys. Should you want to tool up? Milton's turn. Milton has groped his way to another bathroom and is going to try to fuck up another upstairs bathroom. Let's see what Milton's mechanical. Under his breath. He's like.

Just like we've always practiced. Just like we've always done it. One day Kelsey would be relying on me to shit good. I knew it. Good thing you took all those fiber pills this morning. And every morning. And every morning. I will give you guys a choice. Would you rather have Milton make a mechanical repair roll or try to poop so hard into this thing that he clogs it? Oh my God, are you kidding? That's not a choice at all.

All right. Milton's going to make a constitution roll. Can't can't toilet flush down like five golf balls or something. Yeah. Now, now,

Now? Back then? They didn't set those up in the Home Depot. People poop smaller back then. His con roll is going to be a constipation roll. Milton shuts his eyes and thinks, five golf balls. That's all you need. Five golf balls. This is so gross. This is so yucky. It's up to you how much you describe it. You're the one in charge. You gave us the option, too.

I wasn't even feeling it, but the rest of the group was. I went along with it. Sure. And now look what's happening. Now two Nazis. So Milton rolled a 37. His constitution is 35. Oh, he failed. He's going to spend two luck. Now there's luck. He's just straining like, luck be a lady. Milton gives it everything he's got, but he's only got four golf balls worth in there. The next time we see him, his eyes are like popped up.

popped a blood vessel. He doesn't, unfortunately does not have eyes anymore. Oh yeah, sorry. But he squeezes and strains and then he strains so hard that he falls off the toilet knocking a golf ball which was sitting on the windowsill over and then it falls into the toilet. The hole in one that Blake made. Yeah, he hears the telltale plunk of a golf ball in water and not being able to see it goes, that could only be the sound of a golf ball falling into water which I know very well and he flushes the toilet and it clops and

And now is going to start burbling up yucky water into this room. So you got three of four upstairs toilets working. This is the sickest puzzle game I've ever played. Yeah, there's some LucasArts shit. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Francis, it is your turn. Before you do anything. Yes. Time slows down for a minute. Just long enough to have a sort of out of time conversation. I finally have bullet time. You finally have bullet time. And in bullet time, you feel Brutus.

Brunhilde, her spirit sort of wrap up around you and she strokes your hair. Trying not to get a boner. I'm going to roll constitution to see if I don't get a boner. You're bleeding out from the legs, so this will be... Give me constitution with advantage, we'll say. Yeah, it would be a hell of a thing if you can manage to get a boner no matter what. Dude, actually, wait, hold up. Sorry, I'm even going here. But like, if you got a boner but you were bleeding out, would that like help you...

Yeah, that's a store of blood. So haven't they gotten into that on the pit? Yeah. You didn't see in the fucking D-Day scene how many handies the medics were giving? That's why that one guy was so upset when he picked up his own hand. That's one more guy I can't save. But wait, if I get shot, it'll feel like someone else is doing it. I failed pretty badly. So you do get a boner? Whoa. She whispers in your ear, my sweetheart.

dark prince. Oh, what a mess you are in. Look around you, my baby boy. You're dying. Your friends are going to die. The man across the street wants to kill you to make you suffer. Your own mother drags you away. You try like a feeble baby boy to shoot, but you can't. You can't even kill yourself, right? You

You're helpless. You're just like a tiny dark orchid blossoming in the night. And you need help to survive, to save your friends, to do the things that you wish. We know this throwing your life away, it is not so way for you. Do you know how sad I was when you pulled the trigger to miss you? Oh, but I'm so glad we find ourselves here because there is only one way, only one way, and you know this, for you to save your friends.

For you to stop your mother. For you to stop the man across the street. And that is to let me in, Francis. Let me in. With three bullets, you and I together, we can stop this. You can save the people you love. And we can spill their blood. Let me in.

So if you let Brunhilde in, you have three rounds left in your magazine, and you will get three automatic successes with those bullets. Auto success? But. That's it? Oh, okay. Well, yeah, just take it. Yes, no, but the more you let her in, the harder it is going to be to resist her will in the future. Right. Do you want them to die? Do you want Trudy to die after what you said to her? You came out, you did your plan, and it failed. It failed, my boy.

You tried to shoot your own- You just made me realize something. Yeah? I trust my friends. Mm-hmm. So no, they don't need my help that badly.

I'm not going to let you in. Just say Zavad and I am right here. I just told you no. Take the L. I'll be here waiting. All right, it's your turn. What do you want to do? So mom tried to get the gun from me and failed. Does that mean she's no longer like pulling me? She gets to try again on her next turn. Okay. And how messed up are you? He sands one leg below the knee. I have three HP left. Three HP. Okay. And then he has missing a leg. I think the most helpful thing Francis can do right now because he wants these people to

to die he wants all of them to die so that the people he cares about well so trudy um can just because she gives you everything you want huh canagli i'm your favorite teacher yeah what does that mean not much oh my god can i undo my rack spell i don't want to help francis i think francis is going to try to take another shot his mom give me a uh firearms roll

Another miss. Okay. 65. Very bad miss. Not even worth spending the luck on. Okay. Boom. You have two shots left. Your mother is getting her wits about her. Francis, stop. I'm your mother. Put the gun down. I'm not going to say anything. I'm through talking to her. Kelsey, it's now your turn. Sorry. Matt has adjusted his microphone so that he's now standing and talking. I'm so pumped. Oh, no. Matt's turned into standing desk mode.

Look out, everyone. I can open the door. The door's open. Door's open. You have line of sight on the guy belching flame up at the wall. Francis, you're on the floor. No.

Knees out. Bleeding everywhere. Your mom. Not just my knee. The entire leg beneath it is gone. Your face clearly had fucked up a bit. You're pointing your gun at your mom. Yeah. And I just fired at her and missed. Okay. I'm just going to grab Francis. I'm going to say, Francis, no. No. I'm going to go. I'm going to try to grab one hand like around his collar. Okay. His mom is right there, right? Yeah. Okay. I know. I know. Okay.

Okay. So you can try something. I wish you would. Let's see what happens. I'm going to pull Francis. I need one hand on my shotgun. So I'm not going to like try to stop him from shooting his mom yet. I'm going to start pulling him back towards the door and I'm holding my gun out like saying, stay back. We'll call this a fighting maneuver between you and her because she's guarding him essentially. And you're trying to grab him and pull him away. Yeah. So does she try to grab? She's going to try to fight you. Oh, okay. The moment she tries to fight, I'm going to cast rack. Okay.

Okay, you can either cast Rack or grab Francis. I go to grab Francis, but if she's going to try to stop me, I'm going to cast Rack on her. Okay, yeah, we'll see that basically. Yes, you can see that as you run towards her. Why are you casting Rack when you should be racking your shotgun? You have a spell in your hands right there, dude. Using the magic of Saltpeter. Why can't you Pokemon Go to kill my mom? Leave him alone. He's coming with us. Stop. And then we're going to cast Rack. Do it. All right.

All right, so this is my first time, but I got a roll under a 25. God, this is not going to happen. A 26! Oh! I spent one luck. I spent one luck. You just burned one luck? And with a little bit of luck on your... Oh, my gosh. Well, she still has to roll. Like the summer of 2008, I get lucky by Daft Punk. What summer was that? As soon as he says that, I was like, why didn't I just say that?

You're going to be up all night to the sun with this one. I get lucky. Get lucky. The house inspired disco. When did that come out? I think it is 2008. 2013. No, not close. No. Close. I had the idea for that song. I had the idea. 39 luck now. I'm tracking it. I stop and I'm going to roll 1d6 to see how long. Well, hold on because it's an opposed power roll. Oh, you're right. So she has a power of 70 and she got a 19.

So she stands her ground and she glares at you like a mama bear protecting her wounded cub. You're going to wish you took this spell, as I say, as I cock the shotgun. My question, would she know that some manner of arcane magics was attempted upon her? Yes, she would. Dang.

It is now Chastity's turn. She's writhing on the ground still for one more round. At the back of the house, Trudy, you see this from the window you're staring out of. That one guy is going to throw his Molotov cocktail at you through the window that you closed. Could you catch a Molotov cocktail? Absolutely. Trudy's going to open the window. She's going to open the window? Yeah, she's going to try to catch it. Okay. Throw it back. That's fucking badass. I've never seen that in a movie. That's so cool. That's sick. Yeah. That is sick. His skill is a 65.

his throw skill, and he rolled a 31. Pitcher for the baseball team. He lobs this thing straight through the window. It's coming right at you. And we will call this a sort of fight back type maneuver. Easier to catch it because it's coming right at me. I'm trying to think of what skill you should use. Absolutely insane that I'm looking over at Beth's desk and on her desk is a copy of Catching Fire. Holy shit! Is it really? Yeah.

I'm rereading the Hunger Games. Oh, I didn't know you were rereading the Hunger Games. That's crazy. I guess we'll just call this a dexterity. I'll roll. Surely. May the odds forever be in your favor. The odds are not in my favor with dexterity. Let's do this. Hot dice. Hot dice. Hot dice. Here we go. Let me check what my dexterity actually is so I know if I'm getting good. I have 25. Let's roll it up. A six. Oh.

All right, describe the move. What do you do? Dude, it's actually so sick. Like, she has her hand in front of her, like, you know, parting the Red Sea kind of motion. She lets her hand go back with the bottle as she catches it to kind of soften the blow, and then she throws it right back at him. Catch and release, baby. With this clutch roll, I will allow you to, even though it is not on your turn, you can make a throw roll to hit him with it.

Throw. Let me see what I have here. Dude, if you fumble right now and light the room. That would be really sad. I don't fumble, but I fail. Okay. Yeah. I think it breaks, but in a place that's inconvenient for anybody. Yeah, it just splashes onto the asphalt outside. Or hits Blake's most beloved deck chair. Oh, no! It lands right in the fire pit and starts a little cozy fire in the fire pit.

Meanwhile, the flamethrower guy back there is bathing the back wall of the house in flames. And the third guy is going to lob another Molotov cocktail up into the room that Bebe is in. Dang, dude. You hear the sound of glass shattering a room over and you hear a sort of muffled scream from Bebe as this Molotov cocktail goes sailing into the room. But she did break the toilet.

Right? She did break the toilet. Yeah. It is now Shane's turn. Big Shane Silva! Shane is splatted onto the ground. He's going to get up, clutching his wound, and then he takes his bloodied hand off to raise his rifle again, and he's going to fire at the bison who's shooting at him. Shoot to self-defense! Yes!

He misses. He's just advancing like Rambo up the street. He's just like basically walking and shooting at this guy. You know why? It's probably because it's the 50s and he's shooting from his hip like a cool cowboy. Yeah, he's got like that fucking like in The Rifleman. Yeah. That's what we'll say he has. He has one of those lever action rifles. Oh, yeah, dude. Okay, it's Amberster's turn because you're running from one room to the other. He says, what would you like me to do with the gun, sir? Do I notice that there's fire?

Yeah. I look at my watch in the toilet that was like red now has a little fire icon next to it. I'm like, Oh no. You heard the glass shattering in BB's room and you heard her scream. Amberster.

Start firing back. Return fire. We are under attack. Very good, sir. And then Amberster drops all of the guns on the ground, revealing that he held onto two pistols. And they're two, like, golden fucking pistols, dude. He's got two .45s. And he says, just like in Marrakesh, sir. Which window would you like me to dive guns a gimbo out of, sir? Everybody say goodbye to Amberster.

That's the most tactically advantageous window. To dive out of with two guns? How is tactics still on your mind? So there's still a flamethrower guy out front. There's three Bisons out front, including Kimon Juan and Shane. And then out back, there are three Bisons.

One with a flamethrower. I want Ambrister to go take out those motherfuckers in the back. Very good, sir. Stealth mode engaged. He dives out the window and is going to open fire on one of the Bisons who just chucked a Molotov cocktail in at BB. He's going to do two attack rolls for Lefty and Righty at disadvantage. Okay, so he misses with Lefty. Oh, come on, Ambrister. Ha ha ha!

And he misses with Rocky. He got a 92 and a 91. He looks so fucking cool as he dives out of this window just blasting bullets. And they just go sailing right by. But he does draw the attention of one of the Bisons as he lands on the ground and gets up to shoot again. Milton gropes his way out of the bedroom and gives a, do not go in there. Says, okay, that's one toilet clogged. What should I do? Someone tell me what to do.

We need to get out of here. The house is on fire. The smoke is filling up. The plumbing just isn't going fast enough. Okay, but what about my mom? Where's my mom? Oh. And then, yeah, so, Trudy, you hear, I need to go. I need to go. Maybe we should let your mom go. What? Trudy, go get my sister. Trudy. I just, I'm trying to think. I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I don't know. Milton finds his way to you and grabs your hand and says, it's OK, Mrs. Trout. I'm scared, too. We got to get my mom. We got to get out of here. You're right. OK. I'm going to give him a listen roll to see if he can just kind of clock, which he did really well. He opens the door to the room that his mom is in and is going to rush towards the sound of her voice and try to just start desperately untying. It is your turn. Trudy's just going to cock the gun and be like, Milton, Bebe and Roz, get

Get behind me. Follow me. You got to untie my sister. Bebe's going to do that on her turn because Bebe's up there with you guys. Here's what we'll say. Bebe and Milton are untying Roz. You've got this gun. There's guys outside the window downstairs. I'm going to take a shot out the window. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Who do you want to shoot at? Flamethrower guy or one of the non-flamethrower guys? Flamethrower guy. And then Milton goes, but no killing. And then goes into your Terminator view as you stand up.

Give me a firearms roll. And this is a handgun? Yes, although you don't have to use that if you don't have a specialization. What the hell is the question? I have 40. What? You didn't name handgun? Yeah. Okay. Ah, upgrades. Are you trying to aim at the tank or are you trying to aim at him? I guess if I blow him up, then he's not a problem either. I just don't want to accelerate the fire. I guess I wonder how close he is to the house. If the tank explodes, will the house suffer damage because of it?

So it's already suffering damage right now because he's hitting him. I gave Blake a luck roll, so I would give you a luck roll. Okay. Yeah, I'll aim for the tank. Okay, so then here's how this is going to work. It's going to be a hard success. Okay. A regular success, you hit him, but not the tank. And a hard success, you hit the tank. I got an 18. Okay. So you hit the tank. Hell yeah. And the guy fucking explodes in just a massive fireball at the back of the house, shakes the windows. Give me a luck roll. Okay, my luck is 38. Paltry amount of luck.

Fuck, I got 40. It's like in Die Hard when he pushes the C4 over. Yeah. And you see that cool explosion. He's like, yeah. Then like the wall of flame rushes up to him. So you manage to lean down and pop this guy right in his flamethrower tank. And the explosion erupts past the second story and knocks you back as the whole back wall of the house goes up in flames. Okay, we're leaving.

We're leaving. And one of the Bisons goes, that's why I never volunteer for flamethrower duty. It's Bebe's turn. Bebe's going to use her turn to untie Roz with Milton. And the two of them and Roz are now with you. And unless you have specific instructions for them, they're just going to move with you. Yes. Now, we haven't clarified, but I believe because we just drove up there, like our dorm mobile should be outside. You guys got wheels outside. We just got to get the dorm mobile. Yeah. Blake, it's your turn. I think I want to thin out the herd a little bit. So I'm going to.

to the other side of the house. Yes. Yeah, you said you were mid-run last time. Yeah, yeah. And I have a look where my boy Ambrister and... Trudy? Trudy. What's the point of having a servant if you're not going to let the servant sacrifice his life for you? Just tell Emperor. Yeah.

To hold them off in the back and let's all go out front to the dormobile. That's a good point. But Blake has forged his blood on the blood-soaked fields of the European theater, Matt. Something you would know nothing about. This is when you find out that Blake crashed in an airplane in like a French field, like a farm. And the German soldiers are looking for him. And who's this that hid him underneath his basement? It's Abrazer. I owe him my life.

He was the one who first showed me how to turn a wrench. He's the first one who taught me to love. And to love. What's the situation out back? There's two guys back there. Oh, Amberster's got that. Okay, so... You do remember what happened on his last turn. Yeah, but that was just distraction tactics. Okay. I know Amberster well. He knows how to draw attention to himself and use cover and concealment to return fire effectively. Ah, but usually he has someone helping him. I'm going to take a pot shot out back. Okay, so you're going to shoot...

A guy. Okay. Great. So you bust down one of the bedroom doors and you- I open the door. It's my house. Will, you delicately open the door to the room that Milton lit up with his stinky poops and you run to the window and you fire down at one of the bisons. Give me a firearms roll.

60. I missed. Okay. But I think I draw attention to myself. I'll be like, bet you can't shoot me! Okay. Man, you really got him. Okay. Keep talking, I'm reloading. Thanks for letting me know that! Which is code to Amberster. Oh, to circle around back or something like that? Okay. It's Kimon Wan's turn. She sees Kelsey with this shotgun staring right at her. You hate to see two women fighting over a guy. Kelsey, you see Kimon Wan glower and rainbows

raise a hand and do a similar series of hand gestures. Oh no! Wizard battle! Oh no. She says, get away from him, you bitch! And she is going to cast rack on you. What? I didn't know we had a fighter amongst

Well, well, well. Looks like another racker. Your swordsmanship is familiar. She goes, hey, Kelsey, nice rack. What if you were in rackage? Stupid. So how does it work again, Matt?

Don't lie to me. If you were the master of... Shut the fuck up! If you were taught by one of the Rack sisters, you would already know this. The Rack sisters. The sisters of Racking. I think she gets a disadvantage because she doesn't know how to fucking do the spell. Three magic points at once. She knows how to do the spell. She's fucking been astral projecting. She learned Rack years ago. Opposed power roll. She's forgotten about Racking. And it's 1d6. I'll be freaking hunched over. Give me back to you.

Okay, so her POW is a 70. Just tell me the low number. She got a 69. Ooh, you just need to do good. You just need to do good. And she goes, yeah! You just need to do nice. You just need to do good. That's got like... Okay, but wait, let me see. How many more episodes do you think we have? I have to spend 26 to get a super success.

I'd have 13 luck left. Oh, it's not a lot of luck. But we can't have Francis getting taken away. Yeah, but fuck Francis, though. How dare you? Up to you, Matt. Enter ahead.

Kelsey is listening to her favorite song with 2013 summer hit. Good luck. You're going to spend it. I'm going to spend it. Oh, shit. I'm going to spend it. There's only so much left of this. We got it. I can't. You want to split a party? You want a party right now?

I can't do it. I'm taking one for the team, everybody. Will, you're welcome. You don't have to figure out. From across the way, you sense your DM shedding a tear. Okay. I'm going to spend it. Hell yeah. This is what happens when you get big TV Matt in the room. Matt's all fucking. His mind is gorged. You know, everybody's luck runs out at some point. Some point. I kind of like flinch for a second. I look at it and go.

Looks like you were taught in the ancient place. I know your ways. You were trained by Kordeski. I trained Kordeski. All right. Zuzel taught me how to handle this. Her eyes go wide. She's astonished. She just threw her best fastball at you and it bounced right off of you. Not quite bounce. I got like a nose. I got like blood coming out of my nose. Yeah. Got to try harder than that to rack this rack. Okay. We're back to the other FOB front of the house Bisons front of the house Bisons are

Our main guy is going to take a shot at Shane as Shane bull rushes him. Big Shane Silver doesn't need his gun. Kills him with his hand. He misses very badly. And Shane's just coming at him, guns blazing. So we'll deal with that on Shane's turn. Roaring like a bull. I will say the flamethrower guy, pretty satisfied with the job he's done with the flamethrower. Um.

I knew I got this job for a reason. 100% of his colleagues are exploded. I'm always glad for somebody to be proud of their work. He's like, I did a good job flaming my part of the house. That was my job. Honey, on my first day, I burnt it. I did it. I got it. He looks down. He sees Kelsey standing with his shotgun, staring down at Kimon Wan in the middle of some sort of wizard.

battle. It's like a Harry Potter 5 when Harry Potter looks at Voldemort and they're throwing water waves at each other. It's like that was happening and then a guy with a flamethrower came up and shot Harry Potter.

But just to clarify, well, this is about me trying to help you out here. We're very close together from my understanding. I was grabbing. Oh, that's a good point. And she was literally over. Like the three of us are a group. We might kill the two elder female characters. We're right next to each other. That's a good point. Flamethrower guy might not be the smartest guy, though. He didn't volunteer for flamethrower. If this was a hex-based game, I think we're on the same hex. We're not even adjacent.

This is a good point. You raise a good point, Matthew. You may have just lawyered your life. Or the two rack sisters look at each other and go, just this one time. Yeah.

Shared enemy. And the two of us. So cool. Rack to rack, back to back. Aren't the playthrough guys with her? Yeah, but obviously they're not trying to murder her. Yes, but always have respect for a fellow witch. Shifting allegiances on the battlefield. You guys are truly the daughters of the witches he couldn't murder. Oh, no. Flame guy number three has a decision to make. Shit, now I'm really liking your mom. I think we should do the rack. You don't like anything about her. You just like the version you came up with.

I think she's a witch now. I think when she did the spell, was it just a nosebleed? It's like the boil started, but it stopped. So it's like she left a cool scar on my face. So I can look at me like...

I love when a boil leaves a cool scar. It's a magic boil. I guess it makes sense that Kelsey, who was a prize fighter, would respect somebody who's good at fighting. Thank you. Anyways, thanks for the cool scar, babe. Thanks for the cool scar, babe. Thanks for the cool scar, babe. Remember in Force Awakens? Don't be jealous because I have a cool rat sister and I'm a fucking wizard now. Yeah, you don't say something like double double boils and trouble.

Yeah, you're gonna be in her high five. Okay, and you pride her high five. Yeah. And you live happily ever after. We fucking have wine parties on Saturdays when our husbands are out of town. Wine parties. Nothing like a good wine party, eh? Yep. B-Y-O-W. He's gonna draw his gun and shoot at you, Matt. He has a gun, too? Hey, fucking rich get richer. Hey, I'd like to volunteer. What if Flamethrower got him a sidearm?

I don't know if you're right. I don't think he's got... What if it's just a smaller flamethrower? That's so funny, Matt. That's so good. It's a one-handed flamethrower. That's pretty good. Actually, you know what? I love that. It's a small flamethrower. It's a flare gun. That's what we'll say. Oh, shit. Okay. He's set out like me in Far Cry 2. Okay. He's going to take a shot at you, Matt.

Okay, I'm looking up the real life consequences of getting shot by a flare gun. It's insane. It's just as bad. Yeah, it's really bad. It's probably not as bad as like a bullet. I think it's probably depending on the range. I bet you in about... Dude, I know it's not as bad as a bullet. Because then we'd be using flare guns. Just a guess. Hey, by the way, I'll tell you... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I found a video. I knew I could do this in 10 seconds. I found a video where a guy's like, flare gun versus human head. Well, it's going to hurt for sure. I'm telling you right now. It's the one of them YouTube channels where the guy's out in the forest somewhere. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Hey, hey, hey, fellas. He's wearing a baseball cap, and I don't have to tell you what color it is and what flag happens to be on the front. Hey, if you have the interest on the top of the head, what?

What color do you think his t-shirt is? If you answered olive drab, you're dead on, baby. Matt, I'll tell you this. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt. If he hits me. If he hits you. A .357 Magnum does 1d8 plus 1d4. Yeah, but it's not a Magnum. It's a flare gun. A flare gun does 1d10 plus 1d3 burn. What?

This game's dumb. A flare gun versus a magnum? They're saying a flare gun hurts more than a magnum? How does he... Give me the process. Don't just roll back there without saying anything and then say I'm dead. Does he have to aim? Does he have to see? Is it a miss? Do I get to roll? I go firearms roll. Okay. And then if he hits you, he hits you. Okay. And then we roll damage. It's pretty simple. Pretty elegant rule system. I like it.

So here's what I will say. I am watching several YouTube videos of people shooting flare guns into mannequins and stuff. It does appear to embed itself into this melon and then just blow fire everywhere. And I'm going to say, I don't know, I hope neither of these things happen, but I would rather get shot with a gun in the leg than a flare gun in the leg because a bullet is precedented. That's a precedented injury and doctors are going to know what to do.

I just think like a flare gun, they're going to be like, I don't know what happened. That's fair. That's fair. You know how like Chicago has the best gunshot trauma team at the Chicago Hope Hospital? Peachyville Hospital has the best flare gun William Brooks Park. Will they already roll? Do you already know my fate? I do. Oh, then phrase. I rolled a 73. So he misses. No.

This flaming hot mega bullet sizzles straight past your face. And he raises my cheek. For a second, you think a third witch, a fire witch has entered the scene, but then you see it's flamethrower guy with his flame pistol. And then he's a flame answer. No. This turned into a fantasy podcast pretty quick. Shane's turn. Listen,

Lit from behind! Dude, he's like silhouetted looking so cool right now. Like behind him, right? Because the flare gun missed and it probably shot off behind him. Can you look cool after you've fallen out of a tree though?

Well, if you're clutching a cool stomach wound and dragging a Winchester. Big Shane Silva is going to rifleman style keep walking and firing his lever action rifle. Nice. And his enemy, the bison, in front of him and lights him the fuck up. So we're going to do a damage roll right now. Lights him the fuck up. All right. He does six damage to this guy. The guy is going to make a constitution saving throw, which he fails.

He takes a big old slug in the gut and falls over and collapses and passes out. And Big Shane just walks straight past him. He's marching straight up. He passes out. Is this a fucking Pokemon game? Can he die? He fainted. This is how the rules work. You go unconscious when you get through the moon. It was super effective. And then as he's walking, he does one of those unforgivings. Yes. And just fucking blam. One last shot. Coup de Grace right in the head. The guy's down. He is headed like a freight train for Kamon Wan and you and Francis. Oh, no.

Amberster is going to pop up from the bushes in the backyard and do like one of those gun kata moves. Equilibrium. And he's going to. Oh my God. Amberster has been developing the gun kata. He's going to gun kata backlit from the wall ablaze from the exploded flamethrower guy. Not to be an asshole. He doesn't gun kata. He uses the art of gun kata to shoot. The verb is shoot. Gun kata is the martial arts. Yeah.

So like a Tetragrammatron cleric, he's going to use the gun katas to shoot at the two guys that are left back here. It's just gun kata. There's no plural. Matt's so fucking cool, dude.

He misses his first shot. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Am I wrong? No, fuck you. Listen to this. Okay, because according to canon, the gun kata, through analysis of thousands of accord gunfights, the cleric has determined the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically predictable element.

The Gun Kata, Will, treats the gun as a total weapon. Each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone. I like how before we weren't using guns as a total weapon. On the maximum number of officials. But Will, Will, you are the one who said... If you're just reading just the monologue and that's it, you think that's going to change my mind? No, no, no. Because again, like I said, maximum damage, maximum performance while keeping the defender clear of the statistically traditional director's return fire. But Will, listen to me, listen to me. Because you're the one who said Gun Kata.

by the roadmaster of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120%. So whatever his stat is, the difference of a 63% increase to lethal proficiency. So we have exactly

Exact numbers that you have to modify Amberster's stats to. So you're saying Amberster's firearm stat goes up 63%? Is that what you're saying? No, it's not deadly. It's just 63. The accuracy is 100 and... Yeah, your firing efficiency rises by no less than 120%. No less than! So I think you have to roll it because it could be more. And then if he hits, 63% increase in lethality.

Okay. All right. So how do we roll for how much above? What's his? All right. Here's what we're going to do. Shut up. Okay. First thing we're going to do is roll a D20 to determine how much above 120% his proficiency goes. His firearm efficiency. Yep. So that's three. So he's just at normal level. 123%. 123%. He hasn't been using gun. What is his firearm still? So just fucking relax. I'm so excited right now to apply math.

I want to get this out of the way first. I want to get this out of the way first. At no point in your entire history together have you learned the gun katas from Amber Sturt. I didn't. I didn't. That's right. That was his forbidden fighting art. I agree. He was like, I will do anything you ask, sir, except this. Because the gun katas are so terrible that I don't want to curse you with their power. I love that. You've actually never seen it. Oh!

You heard stories of it. He's like, I don't do that anymore. You're like, what? He's like, you will never know what I was before this. You only know me as a farmer and now a butler. You'll never know what I was before. You only know me as a farmer and now a butler. Because he made me. All right. He took me from the first life and made me the second. Okay. All right. His firearms is 20. You mean. So his firearms is now 143. Yeah.

No, it's 120%. 120%. So firearms is what? 20? Yes. Times 1.23, right? Okay. Yeah. So now it's 25. No, no, no, no, no. If you say something's 100% more, you mean it's double. Oh, it's double. Yeah, right, right, right. So it'd be like 40-something. Plus 20%. 45. 45.

Right? Yeah. Okay. So 44, 44. I love that he just has a mediocre. He's like still not as good as Kelsey. He has two guns, Matt. He has two guns. Come on. All right. So now you're rolling against 44 for his hits. That's good though. That's a good step. With disadvantage, I might add. What do you mean? Because he's shooting two guns.

once. The gun, through thorough analysis. Also, to be clear, gun content is an art form designed to get rid of any disadvantages of using a gun. That's the whole point of it. In the movie, in the movie, in the movie, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up

No, no, no. Unless it's helping me, no. It is. Did we ever actually just say for the sake of the audience that we're referring to the movie Equilibrium? Wait, do you think we need to tell people what the hell it is? Otherwise we would have said Kung Fu. Hey, Anthony, Anthony, let me ask you a question. Hey, my character pulls out a lightsaber. Do you think we need to tell the audience about Star Wars, Anthony? All right, he gets a 19 with his first shot. Yeah!

Yes! Wish you would have still passed him without his gun. No, but it's a better success. It's a better success now. It's a new type of success we've never seen. He hits a 92 with his second roll. That's fine.

But you got super success on the first one. He got super success. Now, how do we roll damage? So he has a gun. So he has a gun. Yeah, we know that phrase. 63% more lethal. 63%. I'm going to roll the damage for his gun. It's a 1d10 plus 2. And then we multiply that by 1.6. What's the 1d10 plus 2? Where are you getting that from? That's a 1911. Okay. All right. So 1d10. Plus 2. 1d10 plus 2. So he rolled a 10. Oh, my God. Plus 2 is 12. Okay. Times what? 1.63. Okay. Okay.

And maybe I'm pushing this too far. I really don't. I'm sure the audience is upset about this, but I will just say, if we aren't going to play, why? The reality that it's going to come. The reality! I feel like he may have missed his second shot, but every gunfight...

should increase his skill because Gagata is not analyzing every gunfight. So I just feel like his gun skill is like 45 now. I'm just like, every gunfight...

I just feel like every gunfight, he gains knowledge. All right, fine, Matt. His skill is a 45. Yes. Remember last time it was so dark we had to put a special content warning on it? 12 times 1.6, so he's 19.56. I think that rounds to a 20. So he rolls a 20 for damage. So yes, he drills this guy straight in the fucking forehead. His head explodes. He crumples to the ground. And yes, his second hand was missed. Now he locks in ever slightly more damage.

As he prepares to draw... It's a piece of data he has of the entire... He has geometric formulations of what happens in a gunfight. And then the bison is like, my God, the gun caught us. They're true. And with that, it's now... And with that, you tread on my dreams. With that, yes! Yes, Beth!

Dungeons and Dags is brought to you this week by Mint Mobile. Do you say data or data? Data. Depends on if I'm watching Star Trek. That's what everybody says in TNG. Yeah. Not data? Data. Well, guess what? What? If you want that data. Are you going to let me guess? No. Okay. Just tell me. Mint Mobile premium wireless plans, 15 bucks a month. Easy to understand. Easy to use.

Very clear. Very simple. Sometimes you don't need all the bells and whistles. Sometimes you just need a straightforward phone plan that gets you what you want. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. MinMobile's here to rescue you. All plans come with high-speed data. Unlimited daddy. Unlimited talk and text. There are no limits to the daddies. Delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

Use your own phone with a Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. Now, I happen to have the original Matrix flip phone they released with the Matrix reloaded, which you can't use that phone, I don't think. Well, maybe actually. Who knows? Ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from Mint Mobile for $15 a month. No matter how you say it, don't overpay for it.

Ever wonder what your lashes are destined for?

The cards have spoken. Maybelline New York Mascara does it all. Whether you crave fully fan lashes with lash sensational, big, bold volume from the colossal, a dramatic lift with falsies lash lift, or natural-looking volume from great lash, your perfect lash future awaits. Manifest your best mascara today. Shop Maybelline New York and discover your lash destiny. Shop now at Walmart.

Dude, nobody expected that we were going to have fucking Racker Riches and Gunn Kata in this episode. You should watch Equilibrium on the big TV. Oh my god. We've got to do an Equilibrium watch after this episode, for sure. It's Milton's turn, which means, Trudy, it's your turn. You're leading our escape squad. The walls are getting hot. There's smoke pouring in from every window. What do you want to do? But the toilets are helping. There's water starting to trickle out onto the hallway, so that would slow the spread of those fire. But right now, it's just getting harder to see them. Okay, got it, got it, got it.

It's Trudy's goal to get out to the car and just to escape the house right now. Does she have a clear shot to the outside of the house? When you get downstairs, you realize Chastity is gone.

Give me a spot, hit and roll. I rolled a 22 and my score is 60. I succeed. Okay, so you see a trail of blood and ooze from where she was writhing and bleeding. You see some bloodied footprints going off into the back towards the kitchen and you start to smell gas. Oh, I think somebody is not using the stove the correct way. We just need to get out of here. I can't afford to save this very nice house. Come

Milton and BB and Ross. She holds her gun up as she walks out the front door. Yeah, you get through the front door. You are now witness to the tableau out here, which is Shane marching towards this

this wizard brawl between Kimono and Kelsey as Francis lies bleeding on the ground. His legs shot clean off. Oh, Francis! Flamethrower guy is reloading his second round into his flamethrower, into his flare gun and preparing to take aim again at Kelsey. And since all you've done is move so far, I will let you take an action if you want to shoot at somebody. I'm going to shoot at the flare gun guy. Okay, great. Give me a firearms roll.

45. I might... Let's see how much luck. I don't have that much luck, so I miss. You don't want to use any luck to save me? Okay. I use 24 of my luck. How much luck do you have? I have 38 luck, and I'm going to use 5 luck to succeed and hit the flare gun man. Give me a 1d10. 7. Plus a 1d6. 8.

Five. Seven plus five plus three. So 15 damage. After this, if you fucking spend some time with the butler. With the ambassador. You can learn the gun call. The mathematical fucking calculation would be so easy for you. You can pump that up to 25 damage. Wow. Next rest we got. That is his entire HP. You drill him straight in the heart and he staggers back. This will be fun. Give me a luck roll. Holy shit.

Okay, I got like the most successful roll ever. I like literally rolled a one. Oh, wow. Okay. In that case, the bullet passes through his body and does not ignite the huge fuel tank on his back. Nice. And it passes clean through him and he drops to the ground dead. It is now BB's turn. BB's going to hold her turn to wait to see what you want to do. Blake, it's your turn. I think I'm going to join the group out front and try and get the car. So you're just going to leave Amberster to Tango with this last guy? No.

I think a practitioner of the gun kata can take care of one measly fucking peasant. And to be clear, the guy that he's fighting not trained in the gun kata? Is that fair to say? We don't know.

We'll call that a double move action. You're not going to be able to do anything else this turn. That's fair. I'll join up with Kelsey's group, essentially. So you make it to the front door with Trudy's group. And do I see our car? Yes, you do. I'm going to make a beeline to the van. Okay, just get it fired up. Yeah, you're able to do that. You hop into the front seat and the Bedford Dormobile rumbles to life. It is now Kimon Wan's turn. So she sees you with the gun. She sees her son on the ground.

She recognizes the dark aura of a fellow rack witch. And I try to give the face off that like I still have magic points. So does she. We both got magic points. All women have magic points. You use two spells at six magic points. I know what you're thinking. Does he have six magic points or only five?

She looks at you. Okay. She's staring at the barrel of the shotgun. She just saw Trudy one-shot the flamethrower guy. She sees Shane rounding the corner with a lever-action rifle and sees Blake coming out the door now as well. She locks eyes with you, Kelsey, and she casts Fist of Yogg-Sothoth. Okay. You guys have run into this spell once before. So she is going to burn...

five magic points on this. So yeah, she rears back and she blasts with her hand out at you. Okay. When the target is struck, which is you, Kelsey, give me a constitution roll. And there's no like dodging or anything? No, there's no dodging. This is an opposed roll must be made using the spell strength versus the target's constitution. So she got a 55. The spell has a 55 strength. Okay. Give me a constitution roll.

33. Okay, what's your constitution? 54, so that is just a normal success. So you got a normal success? Yes. So her roll's a 55? Yes. She rolled a 56. So she rears back, and she, with all of her might, blasts this wave of energy at you, and you feel it knock into you, but then like an anime character, your feet just dig into the ground a little bit more as you sort of fucking resist the...

every ounce of her will and her eyes widen at you and she says, what are you? That's strike two. Sure you want pitch again? Is that... Wait, that would be... It's ball... Good luck. You had an easy opportunity to make a cool thing and you said that. Okay. It is now...

Me, I should have known. It's Francis' turn. Okay, so Francis actually is not bad at brawling, so he's going to take the butt of the rifle and try to cold cock his mom across the face with it. She is going to dodge back. I have a 65 fighting brawl, and I rolled an 82. She had a success. She has like a 50 dodge, and she rolled a 32. Okay.

So, yeah, you swing up at her and she's able to swipe out of the way and keep her balance as she's staring down Kelsey. It is Chastity's turn. She's got to be really sick and stuff because she's got like 14 minutes of being sick, right? It's not going to matter much because none of you see this, but she...

is in the back of the kitchen having just wrenched open all the gas valves and she is sparking a lighter and humming the Big Shane Silva theme. The bison theme song. Which sounds a lot like Big Shane Silva, really. Bison. That's gotta take some time though, right? You can't just like turn on your oven and light a match and it blows up your life. Well, you guys don't know how long she's been back here. Yeah. Two turns. Two turns. I guess that's true. It turns what, six seconds? Yeah, so 12 seconds. I feel like

No. Yeah, you could probably. No, you've never turned on your stove and had to be like, oh, shit, it's raining. But she's like wrenching all the pipes and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, fuck this thing up. And hey, hey, Matt. So why are you one turn to get there? Hey, Matt. Blake Lavey got some big pipes, you know what I'm saying? Okay. We're going to give her a luck roll. Okay. And if the luck roll succeeds, the house is going to blow up.

The house explodes. Oh. Oh, God. We're all out of it. Well, some of you are at the door. Yeah. Is she okay? She's fucking done, dude. She's obliterated by this. She's like that skeleton in Terminator. Yeah, she gets the full dream sequence Linda Hamilton skeleton when she does this. She's like the guy who tried to put the sticky bomb in St. Pepper Ryan. Oh. So, yes, from the kitchen, you hear this massive boom, and then a wall of flame bursts through the house.

It's just going to be Trudy, the children, and Ross. The squishiest. So first things first. Trudy.

you hear this wall of flame rumbling. I will give you a chance if you would like to, to shove everybody else out of the way. I will. You're just going to knock into everybody and knock them out onto the grass in front of the house. But now you are staring face to face at this wall of flame coming towards you. The last second. I'm going to press a mole next to my belly button. I just went back into my Discord to be like, okay.

Oh, God. I'd already heard. What did my mole do for her? It wouldn't help. I forgot what I wrote. It wouldn't help. Mine would absolutely help. You can give me a dice roll on a mole if you want. I'm going to write down a number. One, two, a hundred. And if you hit my number, then it will do something very helpful. And if you hit one of everybody else's numbers, they'll do what they said their thing does. I hit...

Mole 34 mole 30 like rule 34. This is sexy as mole. My number was a 17 the 34 mole you sneeze Okay First time you sneeze Beth roll me to d10 how much healthy you have nine health first rolls of five and

Second roll is a four. Matt, you see just this wall of flame belch out of the house and send her flying over you and Francis and Kimon Wan, and she just lands in the grass unconscious. You can't tell if she's dead or not, but she just slams into the dirt. And then the house roars

rumbles and buckles and just collapses. How about the children? They all made it out because she shoved them out of the way at the last second. She took most of this blast and they were able to just dive into the grass in front of the house. Trudy hits the ground. When you have zero hit points, you are unconscious and dying. So it is now BB's turn. BB is going to see this happen to you and she's going to get up and scramble over to you to do first aid. When do I go? Oh, you were supposed to go before Chastity. All right, well, we'll just have you go now. Okay.

I was holding my turn.

So I wanted to see what was happening to my friend, Trudy. Go ahead. What do you want? So Kimona is just still standing there. Kimona is standing there. You are holding the shotgun. Then I look at her. I was like, get out of here. I'm going to pull this trigger. She's just seething, realizes that she's surrounded and powerless. Either die without your kid or live without him. Well, I like that. That's a fucking hard line. Where the fuck was that line earlier, man? She looks down at Francis and she doesn't have anything to say. You see just anger and bitterness.

and disappointment and frustration, but underneath it all, you still see love in her eyes as she looks at you, but realizes there's nothing she can do right now. And with another flash of her hands, she casts a spell called Mists of Rylate, and a mist erupts around her.

and obscures her from view and she takes off into the night. Now, does her like spell there obscure the view of Big Shane Silva? Oh, fuck, I forgot Shane's still here. Yeah. Oh, God. Yes, it does. Because Shane's come running up from behind her. Yes. Do I see Big Shane running? He's coming towards you like the Terminator. So yes, you do see him. I hold the gun up. I go, Big Shane, get out of here. There's nothing for you here.

I want the boy. No, he's staying with us. He shoots at you. It's my turn though, right? You're right. He can't shoot. You're right. Cause it's your point. I'm telling him to go. If he starts raising the gun, I'm going to shoot. Okay. He just keeps walking. I am an officer of the law. You're going to shoot a man in cold blood. I want the boy. He's hurt.

You know what he did, Kelsey. I want the boy. You can't kill him, though. That's not okay to kill him. I have decided if I'm going to kill him yet, but I'm going to bring him in. You want to shoot me, shoot me. Shane, I don't want to, but you take one more step. I will shoot. He takes another step. Oh, dude. Is this how the legend of Big Shane Silver comes to an end? Is a man with a gun going towards him? Face down, Kelsey Graham on the front lawn of Blake Lively's porch. Give me a firearms roll.

25 is my skill. Okay, so give me a roll. 15. Hot diggity fuck. Bye, Shane. He took six damage last time. I didn't want to shoot him. That's what they all say. How far away? Well, he's got to be 10 yards. I mean, like. 46, dude. All right, give me the 46. Roll them. 14. You saw him in half with this thing. Oh! Oh!

my life a lot better a lot easier Kelsey astonished drops the gun and just starts running towards Trudy give me a sanity roll she fell big Shane like a mighty oak

45 and my sanity is 43. Kelsey Brown. She's the new big shame. I failed. My sanity is 43 and I got a 45. Give me a 1d4 sanity roll. Okay. Actually, make it a 1d6. 5. Give me an intelligence roll. You want to fail this.

I got good intelligence, so I passed it. You passed it? Yeah, super pass. I got 33 out of 70. As we've established, now that you've seen the multifaceted, many-form, multiversal vision of all that is and was Kelsey, when you lose your grip on this world, your consciousness switches places with a Kelsey in another world. As the gun erupts, you blink for a second at the muzzle flash and you open your eyes again.

And you see yourself in Peachyville. It's pitch dark outside. You're in the center of town. And you see a hole in the sky above you. And you see horrible, indescribable things coming out of it. Massive...

Writhing, tentacles is the wrong word for it because it seems both animal and something not animal, something beyond that. Just this rain of chaos and horror dumping down from the sky, crashing into the earth. You see this corruption spreading all over town, consuming people and consuming buildings. It's almost like a black, just foulness, like a sort of oozing plight.

pus that's also you know like spreading out like veins and just bubbling and churning just coming down to this deluge from this hole in the sky burrowing deeper and deeper into the earth and you realize that this is the hour of the hole

This is what this whole town, what the Bisons, what Project Heartland have been living in terror of, this coming to pass. And you realize that this corruption is seeping into the earth and creating something deep within it. Something is being birthed in the center of the world, a new dark god that will consume the universe.

And as the horror of that dawns on you and you see your friends and family surrounding you going mad in orgiastic delight at what they're seeing as they can't even comprehend it and succumbing one by one to this corruption that's spreading across the world, you take it all in and you realize that that's what's in store for this world if you don't stop the powers that be. And while that is going on,

the rest of you see something come over Kelsey. She blinks for a second and then she just locks eyes with all of you and she goes, no, please don't let me... Don't, don't, this is gonna take me back! And then...

She snaps away and this happens right as you, Kelsey, in her world, feel this corruption and this pus and this black ooze rise up your body and disintegrate you cell by cell, consuming your energy, pulling you into the muck that's now turning the entire world into like a pulsating alien gigantic black egg.

And as you are consumed by it, you let out one final primal scream. And then you find yourself back in your body, back in your peachyville. Oh my God. I look and I see Trudy still. Now you're standing over Trudy. I,

I pick her up and I start running to the car. So yes, everyone is now going towards the car. And then Blake, as you prepare to back out, you see Amberster rounding the corner. Fucking take on nine guys. Just fucking with those two guns. And Amberster. Don't take Amberster away from me. You see Amberster rounding the corner and he's got two smoking guns and he's looking at the wreck of this house and he steps up towards you and he drops the guns on the ground. Amberster, your guns. And he. Ha ha ha ha.

And he stands up straight and he...

He stands up straight and straightens his tie. His face is flush with exertion, and he locks eyes with you, and you realize that poor old Anbister's heart, all of this gun kata, the thing he swore he would never do, it was too much for him. And as he watches the house burn, you see his hands trembling as he looks at you in the eyes, and he says, it's Ben and Anna. I salute. I salute my boy, and then...

his heart gives out and he collapses in a heap on the ground. Well, he's dead. Just like Stone Fox. You know what they say, if you see somebody with a heart attack, salute them. This is what he would have...

The salute won't count unless you do it real quick. So with that, you guys are out of combat. However, Trudy is dying and is going to need to make some constitution rolls very, very quickly. We do like a makeshift ambulance. Like I take all the stuff off the kitchen countertop and the back of the storm repeal. We throw Trudy on top of it. It's just like Michael Bay's ambulance. We got people trying to fix her as we're driving off. BB rushes up and pushes past everybody. BB, you can do this. I just, I screwed it up so much the last couple of times I tried to do this. I'm sorry. I don't know if I can do it, Kelsey. You've learned.

Would you do something once? You'd absorb that data. And you'd get better at it. You could do medicine kata. She's going to try a first aid roll to stabilize. Is there like inspiration or anything in this? Can I give her like calming though? She has a 75 in first aid. Ah.

Okay, she got a 17. That's great, BB. So she recognizes that Trudy's going into shock. She props her head up. She manages to put her in the right position to keep her okay just for the moment. Trudy, you regain one hit point. Okay. And you are now stabilized. Trudy, you're a hero. You saved the kids. But I gave Francis the key. You were just doing what you thought was best for him. So Francis turns and sees Trudy even more frustrated

fucked up than him basically on death's door for the first time it's the first time second time for the second time and realizes that this is his fault tears begin to start streaming down his face eddie tries to reach out to touch trudy but she's too far away and he can't move because he's only got the one leg and he just keeps saying i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry trudy i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry for what this is my fault i tried to go out there and and stop it

It stopped myself and it didn't work. I'm sorry. I'm the reason you almost died. Why did you think you could fight them all by yourself? We're here. Blake's got a whole army. I had something else planned, but it's fine. That's not going to work anymore. I'm just glad we're okay. Trudy, give me a psychology roll. Got a 42 in psychology.

Fuck, I failed. Do you want to push your roll? I would like to push my roll. Okay, I'm trying to think of what happens if you fail and push psychology. You won't have to worry because she's going to hit it. Go. Six. Yeah, dog! All right, with a six, you read on Francis's face that he is definitely lying. Having seen a similar face on your son before, given the quiver in his voice, I think you're able to get a broad picture of what he was probably actually doing when he went out there. Oh, okay.

Oh, Francis. Francis cries even harder, full sobs now, lip quivering. He just keeps saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Yeah, me neither, I guess.

I'm just sorry. I won't do it again. I'm sorry that I gave you the key. I didn't know that I... No, no, you were just trying to help. You were trying to help, and I'm sorry. I took it from you, and none of this is your fault. None of this is your fault. This is my fault. This is all. This is on me. I'm so sorry. Francis, why would you... I thought it would...

I thought it would make things better for you guys. And I thought it would end, you know, all the stuff I've been feeling. And yeah, I don't know. I thought, I guess I thought it would help. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. I'm really embarrassed that, you know, that you figured it out. Honestly, that's the. What happened? Francis? Trudy? Francis looks away from Kelsey because he's

so deeply ashamed of what he's done. Kelsey, I think that Francis tried to kill himself with the gun and I gave him the key and I gave him the key and I didn't see it coming and now I'm making it all about me and I just, I'm sorry. I didn't know that that's what was going to happen. Couldn't know what was going to happen, Trudy. Francis...

Francis, look at me. I don't want to. You don't do that. Okay? No. No. You're part of us here and it's not your fault. There's so much that's going on right now. You're part of this team. Okay? You can come to us. You can tell us anything. And we might not have the answers. We might not know what the right thing to say is. I wish I knew what the right thing to say was. But the second I couldn't see you and thought that...

You weren't here anymore. That didn't make anything better. Francis, he rolls over because he was looking away from the group. And now he rolls back and he says, I'm really scared. I'm scared, but not of Suzelle and all that stuff. I mean, all of that stuff. I'm just scared of me. And I'm scared that I might hurt you, you guys. Hey, the only way you could hurt us is if we lose you.

OK, because you're part of our family and our bowling team. When I think about not having my team, the people that are around me, that's when I get scared. And that's when I think about losing people. I get scared and I don't want I don't want that to happen.

Please stay with us. Okay. If it would make you sad for me to go, then I won't go. Francis, I've never been so scared. I just... I don't know what's going to happen next. But I know that Kelsey and Blake and me and Phoebe and Milton, I guess, are working together in...

And I don't know if it gets easier. And I don't know if it gets better. But I know that to stop trying is... Well, that's the ultimate gutter ball, isn't it? Is to stop trying. Yeah. Francis kind of stares in the middle distance, realizing that this is now the only family he has. And he just looks back at Trudy and at Kelsey and gives a glance to Blake, who's driving, presumably, and ignores the kids because who cares? He just says...

I'm sorry. And...

I want to finish this. With all of this, I want us to finish this together. Kelsey just sits next to Francis and just kind of opens up her arm and just offers a hug. Yeah, he goes in for sure. Okay, and I just hug him tight. Soaks her blouse with his tears. Big heaving, horrible sobs into the shoulder. While that's happening, Blake, you're behind the wheel of this big feels mobile. You have one kid who's losing a lot of blood out of his leg right now. Ooh.

I think we need to pay another visit to Dr. Dog. And with that, the Dormobile heads off into the inky night, back once more to the healing arms of Dr. Sally Dog. ♪ When the broken sky was to feel so ordinary ♪ ♪ It's twisted, I can see as a hole in the stars ♪

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away, but I'll stay today.

Thank you for listening. You can support the show directly and get boatloads of additional stuff to listen to and watch by joining our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsandthedads. Even the lowest tier, five bucks a month, you get access to a bunch of stuff. Most recently, we uploaded part one of our EU tour documentary covering our time in Dublin last year for the Arias Tour. And in this doc, we discover, finally, Anthony's total time spent playing video games on Steam. I don't think you'll be able to guess...

the number of hours. It will astound you. You also get ad-free episodes, an extra after show for the in-between weeks, as well as immediate access to all of our digital download bonus campaigns and like a lot more. In fact, if you're on the Patreon, you also get that stuff first. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Support the show direct

This week's lineup of Patreon All-Stars includes folks like Glooman, Grace Connaughton, Laura Turcotte, Toby North,

Brian Hale, Sebastian Lamu, Theron, Taylor Landry, David Levkovitz, Ella, Andrew Hull, Megan Adachi, Armiao, Adam Vitez, Jay Matucci, Sexy Squidward, Cesar Mojica, Sadie Joyner, Marcel Szabo, and Chad Murray. You can support us directly on Patreon, patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Merch and more at our website, dungeonsanddads.com. Manlius New York, outside of Syracuse. We're All Gonna Die is playing near you at the Manlius Theater this week. More info, we'reallgonnadiemovie.com. Our next episode, May 6th. We will see you then.

How was Dungeons and Dice Season 3? It was really suspenseful until we found out about the gun kata.