S3 Ep. 25 - The Ass Fault Jungle
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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. I met a teacher from a corn-filled land who said...

Two broken wobbly legs of wood stand in a bathroom over them just as planned. Half stuck, a bloody tissue lies secured by magnet tip and stethoscope for hand. Too vast, a sculpted dump truck ass of red which yet contrives to fool a monstrous thing.

beast that stalks that land through pipes of lead and through the porcelain throne these words it hears my name is kelsey grammaris queen of schemes look on my trap ye monster and despair

Nothing alive remains inside the cage when blasting pistols strike. Then we disperse and golden arches hide our swift escape. Uh, yeah, Blake, that was me. I told you that. Ah, yes, yes, Kelsey. I'm just going over the plan so I don't forget. It is easier to remember when things rhyme. Oh, I love that, Blake. That's great. Oh, thank you. I always tell my students, you know, I actually think

they do the ordering of ABC so that rhymes right they do ABC EFG wait oh no I forgot one D Kelsey there is a letter D in there ABC D EFG H I J K L M N O P P rhymes with E Kelsey I don't think that's how the alphabet song goes

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Whoa. Dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun. Guys, you gotta just think about how many times we've gotten to say that. Wait, what's that? That's football, right? That's SportsCenter. Okay. Sorry, I was jocks. Dungeons and SportsCenter. I'm talking about the big game. Dungeons and Daddies.

It's in the game. Not a BDSM podcast. Sports podcast. This season, a sports podcast. No, Matt. This season, a Call of Cthulhu podcast. Welcome to the Peachyville Horror. A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast. About four everyday shmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. Hey, everybody. I'm your host, John Madden. Boom. Boom. Boom. I play. Wait, I thought that emerald says boom. That emerald says bam. That emerald says bam. It's a subtle difference. Boom for sports. Bam for salt. Boom.

For salt. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Blake Lively, the slow-talking, quick-thinking plumber extraordinaire of the group. This week's Blake fact. Since we're taking some time at Mickey D's, I thought I would let y'all know what Blake thinks about when he sees the McDonald's logo, and that is a pair of his mother's breasts. A pair of his mother's breasts. Go on. Yeah, please. Do you not know about this? What? What?

It's an M, not a W. Is this supposed to look like boobas? There was like a famous psychologist. Oh, dude. Psychologists were always cooking this shit up back in the 50s. They'd be like, ah, yes, the muzzle complex shall be activated by the logo. Psychologists are just perverts that are defending their perversion with science. They go, oh, I think about boobs all the time. I'll say everybody does.

As we know. I think about body builders. Sniff.com. A psychologist named Louis Cheskin advised McDonald's that it should not do away with its golden archers logo because they look like Mother McDonald's breasts. True. Wow. Cheskin referred to the archers as Mother McDonald's breasts. A powerful association if you're replacing home cooking. Mother McDonald's.

Big old honking breasts. It's an M though. Wonder how she manages to feed the race. I guess if you're like standing up and looking down on her and also she's Madonna. No, it's like in the meme where like the little Pepe frog is looking up and he sees like the shadow of the two titties. Yeah, but that meme wasn't around in the 50s. People only saw breasts in one direction until the internet. Pepe was originally one of the McDonald's lead characters.

That's true, Matt. The angular views of boobs really... So you're saying that this worked on Blake Lively? Worked on Blake! Makes him think of home. Makes him think of his mom. Makes him want to kill his dad.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. You know what she always says? What? You can't spell procrastinate without pro, so until you become one, get your fucking work done early. Get your fucking work done. You may or may not be able to tell that Matt was very irritated that he started this whole, you know what Kelsey always says thing at the very beginning of the series. A little fact about Kelsey, since we're going to the Mommy Melkers. Sorry, McDonald's. Sorry. Why?

Why Kelsey wants to fuck McDonald's. I'm sorry. Let's go to McDonald's. Mommy, start. Mom. Actually, Kelsey has a little problem with her mom. I mean, with McDonald's, which is that she loves McDonald's burgers, but she's kind of angry at them. They've been not as good as they used to be. And she is fighting to get rid of the French fries and go back to the fucking potato chips, which is what they used to serve. And everybody likes some French fries, but she thinks they're just thick, uncoordinated.

Uncrunchy potato chips. Get those potato chips back. Wait, is this deep lore? They used to have potato chips, not French fries? Well, yeah. No, the psychologist said that because we want to eat the fingernails into our body, we crave the crunchiness of the French fry. That makes sense. That's what Gemini told me, and I don't look past the front paragraph of Google anymore. That's why the web is dying. Yeah, it used to be hot dogs and potato chips. Yes, because we all want to eat the penis.

And also the fingernails. I think it's why before the first one it says hot dogs and potato chips and then 1949 they started selling fries. And that's why they went to burgers because we want to eat the penis but not as much as we want to eat the ass. I never thought of burgers as the ass. Yeah, buns. With the big man. Anthony, it's called autism not ass burgers anymore. Ha ha ha!

Holy shit. No, no, keep that out. Holy shit. I'm not just digging. I allow that. Asperger's. Asperger's. Holy shit. I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid who's doing his best. And my Francis fact is that your balls cannot explode.

My name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout. Fun fact about Trudy. A lot of people kind of like whisper around town like, oh, you know, Trudy's so pretty, so gorgeous. You know, I wonder. Many people are saying this. Many people are saying this. Maybe the prettiest. Yes. Maybe the prettiest person. So people are wondering, you know, has she had some work done?

And the answer is no, but she has had some firmware updates. God, that's great. Hey, Matt. I liked your firmware update joke, Beth. Thank you. I liked it too. Yeah, but I said it. I also laughed. Yeah, Anthony was the only person who laughed, so I don't know why you're looking at me like that. My name is Will Campos, and I am your coach. Calling back to our sports center jokes from the beginning of this thing.

My creepy fact for you guys today is that the McDonald's universe has its own eldritch being. What? This is an actual character, Cosmic, C-O-S-M-C, who is like a five-armed alien thing in a robot suit that walked around and was an alien that pondered the cosmos and burgers and all that stuff. It looks like it would have killed this guy in Chex Quest. So I feel like Cosmic...

Cosmic is part of the powers that be. He's one of the powers that be. And he is after PG Ville's delicious, delicious milkshakes or whatever. Well, then I'm fucking letting the world in because this guy looks like he rules. And does he also have an Oedipal complex? Yeah, he also wants to fuck his mom. Yeah, okay. Are y'all ready to call some good things? Fuck Ville's mom!

Normally I have these like really well put together, in my opinion, little personal recaps. But last episode, you guys were all working as a team for once. Hell yeah. You built a big scarecrow with a dump truck ass to lure the doll maker into the McDonald's bathroom. And you built some booby trap guns. The Anderson brothers are with you because they want to help find their mom. This is all to kill the doll maker, harvest its venom and save Trudy's son. So we find you all now on the way to the Golden Arches.

Some stuff's going to happen. Oh, no. On the way to McDonald's, which is over on H Street, you just get a sense that, like, the vibes are not great in town right now. I'm not loving it. Like, people seem nervous. They seem jittery. You see a lot of people, like, boarding up their houses. A couple of people are furtively, like, packing their bags as if they're about to vamoose. Most troubling, when you drive past the sporting goods store where they sell firearms, there's, like, a

a big line of people fucking coming in and out. It seems like people are very rattled right now. They're probably not getting guns. They're probably getting soccer balls or something. I pull over and roll down the window. It's the line for the switch to. What are you guys waiting in line for? What are you talking about? We're waiting in line for guns. Wait, you don't want a gun, do you? I'm getting guns. Why are you getting guns? What's going on around town, man? What's going on? I'm not from around here. What's going on around town? Where are you from? Here.

But he just said you're not from here. He thought you said, yeah. Thanks, Kelsey. You saved it. Sorry. I'm from Shelbyville. Shelby. You're from a different town? What are you doing in our town? I was just driving through. Listen, buddy, you better keep driving because things have been going wrong around here. Houses are blowing up. Houses are burning down. People are going missing. Toilets are exploding. The people of Beachyville have had enough.

And we're hunkering down for the long haul because something horrible has happened in this town. So you better keep moving, mister. That's what I say. Okay, there's a bunch of shit we already know. Let's bounce. Oh, can I just, everybody in line? Yes. Okay, if you're going to have guns, just so you know, if something comes out of your toilet, shoot it in the eye. It feels like people should know. Yeah, that's true. There's a chance. There's a chance if this was like a game with like a real like sort of AI system, like the new stalker, then like one of these NPCs might just kill this thing.

Off screen. You know what? That's good advice, lady. If any of you have A positive blood, also just go in a trash bag. You don't need to go to the toilet from now on. Yeah, this thing is smelling A positive blood. So if you got A positive blood, you got it. What are you talking about? Get out of here, Kelsey. This cannot help. I could help somebody. If they don't believe me, they don't believe me. We don't need other. This thing must come to us. We don't need other people pulling it away. So stay away from the toilets is what we're telling them. Nobody in Peachyville is allowed to use the toilet for the next...

Two hours. What are you talking? Who are you people? The crowd is starting to get angry. They're pulling out their guns. We're pulling out. So now every time period we're in, I'm going to do a D100 roll. And if it hits a one, then someone else is going to kill the monster. Yes.

That's great. That's so good. We'll do that a little later on. You get to the golden arches. Ah, the milkers. Yeah. How do you feel there, Flake? I am conflicted. Why? Because my mother's breasts were not yellow. That's fair. That's fair. I got a good job for Milton. Yeah, what is it? Milton? Uh-huh.

You're going to order for all of us at McDonald's. Wow. Really? You can order anything you want. Anything I want? I don't have a credit card because I'm a woman in the 1950s. So I'm going to give him like $100 in cash. I'm going to say. Wow. We can retire on that. Your goal is to take as long as possible. Order enough food for all of us because we might be hungry after this job. Right, everybody? So tell Milton what you want.

And Milton, you can order yourself whatever you want. As much ice cream as you want. Yeah, that sounds great. Okay, that's great. And just be yourself. Take as long as possible with them. It's now the afternoon. It's pretty busy. You guys picked a bold time to try to sneak your way into a bathroom to set up a booby trap. No, the busier, the better. Yeah. These guys clearly aren't afraid of what's going on in Peachville. They don't need guns. They need calories. Yeah, you see people frantically ordering McDonald's to take it back home to wait out whatever foul mystery is happening in this town. Milton is going to go... I have a question about the 50s. Yeah. When did...

to go become a thing in society. I mean, I think these were drive-thru restaurants. I think McDonald's was to go from the beginning. Yeah, that's fair. You would eat like in your car. Yeah. It was kind of this whole, the automobile as the new sort of couch. Couch you can drive. That's what Ford called it. The new Ford Divan. This maybe looks like a couch but it handles like a chaise. You know how Nintendo was originally like a bowling and like a playing card company. Playing card company, yeah. All the original car companies were couch companies.

You can't take your couch with you when you leave the house. Wait a second. Say that again. Oh, also, everybody give me a spot hidden role. Oh, Matt. What did you drop? The remote for a big TV. It's

I pass with a 31. Okay. 93, I fail. Okay. Oh, I got 56. One second, what's my spot hidden? 45, I failed. Oh, my spot is 57. I just pass, 56 to 57. Okay, the two of you notice, because there's like the tables for people who sit in there. There's the parking lot where people are waiting for the girls in roller skates to come up and give them the hamburgers. And in the parking lot,

You see two cars parked towards the back and sitting in one of them is Dr. Man. Oh, no. The Bison's Dr. Man and sitting the other one is Brian Strikes Mitchell, head of the library. They seem to be having a furtive clandestine meeting. Do with that what you will. They can't be doing that here. We've got a whole plan. Furtive and clandestine. It's like one of those ones, like in the wire where the guys pull up to the cars, pull up to each other. It's like one of those. I mean, let's just not let them see us. Are you going to tell us? Oh, I don't know.

Are we? Judy, what do you think? Sure. All right. You want to do it? No. Okay. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody, listen up. What the fuck? What the fuck? What is happening? Are we? They're about to tell us something. Me and Judy got something to tell you. It's not a big deal. I think they may be dating also. I don't know. The energy is insane. It's not a big deal. I don't know why this turned into a thing. I just, y'all take a look. It started off.

And now it's complicated. And now it's weird. Look outside the right window, but don't make too much noise. Like, just carefully look. I mean, just carefully look. I'm not a sex-savory wolf. A wolf? A wolf?

Well, but you might be surprised or worried to the right of us is Brian and Dr. Man. Oh, Brunhilde, how do we feel about maybe going over there and killing them? Well, I think that would make a lot of noise. And I think we can just chill here till they leave because how long can a meeting possibly be? I don't know. Have you worked in corporate America? I want to ask Brunhilde, how would she feel about me going over, putting my leg up on their window and pulling the trigger? I mean, if you wanted to do this, we could talk.

but this would count as your free automatic success because this is a kill for you. This isn't your freebie. No, Francis. This is really like if it's date night and you want to go to the movies and then you say, well, this is a movie. Why does it be your date? This is your date. This is your kill. The next kill, that's your kill. Okay? And then I get the one after. This sounds like something you want to do that you want to convince me to do, not something that I want to do. I'm sick of not getting to do things that I want to do. I want to kill an innocent person. Those aren't innocent people. Look at them.

Look at them. You know what they're doing, yeah? Oh, they're driving away. I just asked a question. I just don't appreciate it. I asked a question. Well, the answer is nine. Well, now I get it. Thank you.

Jesus. Some women. Francis, if we keep driving, the angle would be just right to get two head shots. Kelsey is going to close the curtains of the dormobile so that they can't see inside because nobody's seen that we have this car. They haven't. I mean, the guys that you jumped at the... Yeah, but not Brian and... You don't think they talk to them? They probably don't talk. You're right. They're men. Everybody's got a dormobile nowadays. A British made car? Yeah. Everybody's got this big car. Okay, we pull around to the other side of the building. Mm-hmm.

And we're just gonna... I've got an idea. What's up, Trudy? We put the scarecrow in the driver's seat and we drive by and they... And they're like, oh, that's just a guy. Are we getting distracted perhaps from our original plan? That's true. That's true, Blake. I'm sorry. I think we learned some information, which is Brian and Dr. Mann are working together. But we kind of knew that. We knew that. We did. Can we just wait five minutes to see if they leave first? Absolutely. Let's wait. While you're waiting...

BB's like staring at them and she's got like her little binoculars out. She's like,

boy, it seems like whatever they're talking about is pretty interesting. Can you read lips, BB? I wish I could. But like maybe if someone snuck over there, they'd learn something interesting. I can sneak. I'm good at sneaking. You want to give me a stealth roll to sneak over there? I do. My stealth is 90 to remind you. That's right. I want everybody while Francis is doing this, be ready if we have to, to go as fast as we can to do the plan. I rolled a 92. I'm going to spend two luck. Yay! Luck!

Obscene. All right, I now have 77 luck left. That's a lot of luck. I've not been using it. I have 15 luck. I have 33. Well, we shouldn't go to a casino. Man, that'd be a bad place to go with the luck we got. We'd have to call it lost wages. As you creep up to the van, quiet as a church mouse, Anthony, you hear the following conversation.

Dr. Mann's voice is, as you all remember, quite low compared to Brian's. So that's going to be how you're going to differentiate the two of them. And occasionally Brian is going to say doc a little bit so that you'll be like, ah, that's the one that's not the doc. Okay.

I've got the bait. Is our team prepped for the ambush? Sorry, Doc. Change of plans. The screams are on the move. The witch still has eyes on Problem Child. We tracked his cliff into the sewers. It's moving fast. Yes. Right towards the Dollmaker's lair. We're thinking it's a head-on assault. You're joking. What could they possibly gain from that? What else? The third key. Somehow they must have caught wind that the Dollmaker ate the containment director when she busted loose from captivity. And

Stupid.

Are we talking about the same people here? The people that stopped us at the bunker? That wiped out research and killed Director Trout? That raided the archives and took out half my team? Wake up and smell the shit we're in. These people have taken us apart piece by piece by piece, and they've only been at it a week. No, Doctor, the guttural screams are many things. Dangerous, subversive, perverted. But one thing they are absolutely not is stupid.

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All right, so they drive off. It's still pretty busy. Milton is going to go up and order a ginormous order of food. We'll call this a fast talk roll since Milton is bluffing up a storm. Ironically, since he's trying to move slow. Hey, guys. What? It seems odd that we went to now that Milton's ordering food. I'm saying there's other bathrooms.

He used McDonald's to get to the library. And the boy used Allie's across the street. We agreed we wanted to get food, too. Okay, you're right, you're right. Yes, Milton has taken my order. What are you saying? I don't know. I'm just like worried. I'm getting nervous about how busy this restaurant is. Do you really want to fight an Omega-level entity and then not have lunch? How do you know it's an Omega-level? I heard some words. Oh. So Milton has a 20 in fast talk. He's not very good at it. That's fine. He just has to order. So he goes. Yeah, you don't need fast talk to walk to a McDonald's. He's bluffing. He walks up and he's like, hey, can I get a, uh.

And he rolled a 17. Oh, wow. So he's like, one cheeseburger with fries. One cheeseburger. Milton's doing great. All right, team. Go, go, go, go, go.

Okay, so that's going on. The McDonald's service team is distracted by Milton. Yes. Man, those guys deserve to make a living wage. First question. Boy bathroom, girl bathroom? Boy bathroom. Okay. It's Blake. It's boy bathroom. That's right. No. We should go to the girl bathroom because the boy bathroom may only have like one toilet and then urinals.

The girl bathroom will not have any urinals. I like that idea. And the girl bathroom might have more space because there's not the urinals there. And we might need some extra space for this cage to go in. But if it's the equal amount of space, urinals take up less space. Therefore, there might be more open space in the men's bathroom. You know what? That's a good point. Why don't we just tuck our heads in both ones? I've never seen it. I'll peek in the men's. You peek in the ladies. And we'll compare notes. I'm excited.

I'm excited because I've never been in a men's bathroom before. Judy, it's quite the adventure. It's really not. What would you know? Have you been in a girl's bathroom? No, the men's bathroom. I know, but you've never been in a girl's one. No. So maybe in comparison, it's quite the adventure. Man, that'd be so depressing for you guys. Francis, yes, you see the men's bathroom has two stalls and three urinals. We'll say two stalls and two urinals. I've never seen a McDonald's bathroom with three urinals. Three urinals?

The ladies bathroom has three stalls and whatever other stuff is in there, Beth. What else is in there?

Well, unlike the men's bathroom, we have a sink. Holy shit. Holy shit. They've got three bathrooms just to haul us a sink and a mirror. Maybe we should do the boys' bathroom just in case.

We don't want the creature like accidentally coming out of the sink or something. Yeah. Yeah. Or the wrong toilet. Or the wrong toilet. Yeah. And it won't fit through a urinal. Yes. Women don't poop. Well, no, but yeah, you're right. That's true. Okay, so you guys are in the bathroom. Sven, Tor, set it up.

Okay. There are, we'll say, I'm going to do a dice roll. Four pieces should be easy enough even for you guys. What the fuck, Kelsey? She's ribbing you. It's a sign of endearment. I'm showing you one of the guys. All right. There are currently three guys in the bathroom. Two of them are at the urinals. One of them is in one of the stalls. All right. Well, the two we can wait out. Yeah. Okay. Not a lot going on. All right. Once you guys are done, we got to clean up in here.

Okay. We'll call that a persuade roll. 19. All right, great. The two guys leave. The guy in the toilet on the stall is like, sorry, just give me a second. Don't hurt yourself. Just do what you got to do.

Just go as fast as you can. He's all flustered because now there's like a lady in the bathroom. So he just sort of flushes. Like, you seem to just kind of hurry his way out. He's doing. Wash your hands. We don't have a sink. Wash your hands. We don't have a sink in here. What do you mean wash your hands? What are you, a communist? Go to the woman's bathroom and wash your hands. Okay. Okay.

So he sort of duck waddles into the women's bathroom. You hear screaming and then he runs out. All right. You have the bathroom to yourself. Sven and Tor, yes, assemble a cage over one of the toilets. Yes. Are you guys doing anything to keep people from coming in here? Oh, out of order sign. Out of order sign. Okay. Oh, and then I...

I don't want to do it, but I guess I will because we don't have a sink. We're sinking. There's no sink in here. Beth owned me pretty hard, so that's okay. Fine. Kelsey quickly scoops water out of one of the toilets after it's been flushed in her hands and kind of like splashes it under the door. I could have asked one of the clerks for water, like a cup of water. We're already in here, Francis. Let's get this going. That way you see out of order and you see like water coming up underneath the door. So people will even more be like, oh, I guess there's some sort of like leak or something. Matt,

is putting so much effort into making sure that this goes flawlessly. He put his whole heart into this fucking scarecrow thing. If it fails, he knows it's going to reflect entirely upon him and his own competence. We're a whole team. We all agree to do this. It's time to set up your booby traps. So paint the picture for me. All right. So we have like a tree of guns. Yeah. Oh, we should put the scarecrow in and stuff first so that we know where the guns are. Okay. So the scarecrow's in there. Is the scarecrow in the cage? Yes.

I guess it could be right outside of the cage, huh? The point was the scarecrow was squatting over the toilet. Yeah. Yeah, you wanted to bite the scarecrow in the ass. Yeah, so it comes out. So it's going to be in the cage. It should be in the cage. Okay, so you built this cage around the toilet. I don't know. I'm kind of fond of the scarecrow. Hopefully they'll shoot it before anything happens. Hopefully they'll just bite his butt. That's true. That's what the butt was made for. God let it do its job.

And so we're going to put the scarecrow in. I'm going to open up the bag of Blake's blood. No, not yet. Not before we set up. Oh, you're right. You're right. An array of weapons. All the weapons we have available to us. Stay as far away from the toilet as possible. So like in fucking Kagemusha, we like put like weights on the other, like little bags of sand on the other end of the guns to like counterbalance the weights. We get them aimed right where we want them to be. The stocks are like resting on the metal.

rungs of the cage. So they're kind of basically standing up in a little bit balanced. Interesting. You're going to take Brunhilde off, right? No, I'm keeping Brunhilde on me as a last-ditch effort. Oh, she's going to be the primary shot. Yeah. So you're going to be kind of like outside the cage, like kind of laying down with a gun pointed? Yeah, I'm going to be hanging out where there should be a sink, sort of just waiting for something bad to happen, and I'm going to raise my leg like Rose McGowan. I think Blake should hold you over his shoulder like a fireman hold. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. You're like a bazooka. No, that's good. Or Blake. And Blake is like aiming you. If we gotta run, we can run. Yeah. Because I can't run. I will shoulder the child. And you can be holding the string to pull the triggers and he's focused on Brunhilde. Okay. Yeah, you wanna fire my leg? Yeah.

So Blake is carrying Francis. Like a bazooka. Like a bazooka, like with his legs sticking out. Yeah, correct. And like his face is hanging over your back. Yeah. You know the way Macho Man raises up Elizabeth after he wins and makes her his wife? Like that. Great. So that's happening with Francis. Francis is also holding the string that all of these guns are rigged up to. Yes.

And he's turned his head to be able to get a good clear line of sight to the toilet. Okay. So here's the first thing we're going to do. I feel like this is two roles to successfully rig this thing up. Okay. So dexterity is going to be like how handy you are at putting it together. The intelligence role is going to be rigging it up to succeed. I'll do intelligence.

My intelligence is 65 and I rolled a 66, so all the clones are killing all the Jedi. And I spend one point of luck. Okay, great. I will do the build roll. I have a dex of 75. Okay. Oh, that first one's a 336. That's a super. Yes, it is. I'm going to actually spend one luck to make it a super success. The intelligence roll is going to count for the aim of the guns. The dexterity roll is going to count for the damage of the guns. So basically, because

because you got a super success. You get to roll your gunshots with advantage. Very good. Okay. And the intelligence role is just normal. Normal. So the attack role is going to be a normal trap part. And this is for the trap. Brunhilde's own thing. Yes. And Brunhilde's her own thing. It's gonna be so funny. It's just, we just stay here for an hour and this thing never comes out.

Like ice fishing? It is ice fishing at this point. So the trap is set. It's not the same type of the blood on the tissue paper on the scarecrow's butt. Sounds like an adventure game. It really is an adventure game. We're going to do a group luck roll, which means the person with the lowest luck is going to roll. I have a 31 or a 37. I have 15. I have 33. Okay. Why are you rolling luck? Tell me what you rolled. I got a 99. 99?!

I've done so much work. Don't worry. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. What happens is you hear footsteps coming around the corner and then you hear a voice go out of order. What the? And then you feel like bang, bang, bang. Who's in there right now? This is the manager. There's shit all over the floor. You don't want to come in. I have to clean it up. This is my restaurant. And he pushes his way in. And Ronald, the manager of this McDonald's, steps inside and slips on the floor. Hey, this is my business. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Take it away, Beth. You guys can't be shitting in my business. We have it. We don't shit. We're plumbers. Ronald, you see a cage with a bunch of guns rigged up over the toilet, a big guy carrying a teenager with a gun rifle for a leg, and two women in here. How come there's no sink in here? What'd you guys do? Sir, I know why there's no sink in here, because you're trying to run a business, and it's hard running a business in this economy. That's why...

I'm going to make you a little offer. And I'm putting another $100 bill. And I go, you just forget what you see for the next 10 minutes and go buy yourself a nice sink for your men's bathroom, which you should have. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Also, Milton, the boy, there's a boy that's ordering a lot of food. That's us. So we are customers. You mean that guy?

That guy who's been taking 45 minutes to... Yeah, but I mean... And he just keeps saying cheeseburger. He wants a lot of cheeseburgers. I want a lot of cheeseburgers. Well, if you put a number in front of the cheeseburger, maybe I could do something like that. You know what? You can go back there and just tally each one on a piece of paper. Oh, that's creating a lot of work for me. You're the manager. I don't know how to count that high.

All right. Well, you know how to count to 100, right? Here's what we're going to do. Matt, first give me a credit rating. Yeah, technically I only have $80 left. Okay, credit rating roll. I'll borrow 20. I'm saying you know how to count to 100 as I'm waving $80. I failed the credit rating roll. Okay, the amount of cash you flashed to Ronald the businessman is not impressive to him. So now give me a fast talk roll or a persuade roll, your choice with disadvantage.

Ooh, a five on persuade. Wow. Okay. With disadvantage? Oh, shut up. You fuck. Oh, 53. And my persuade is 55. Ooh. Oh, so you got a 53. Yes. All right. Technically, technically you have a 55. Oh, yeah, you're right. That's the disadvantage. So I'm rolling a D100 instead of 210. So yes, 55, I guess. Ronald, this bribe's looking pretty good to you. Well, well, well, um...

Just keep it quiet in here and remember, no number twos. I really can't afford anything like that happening again. Is that why you don't have a... You know what? That's fine. You're good. No, you had a question for me? No, no, it's fine. It's fine. We won't... Nobody will shit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

little lady? I don't think you want to know the answer to that question, Kelsey. There's a reason there's two souls in this bathroom. Ah, look, we can attach something to this hole.

And with that, Ronald leaves. And now it seems like the coast is clear because Ronald's looking out for you. Time to bleed, baby. All right. Time to bleed. Like with the carefulness of somebody like setting a bomb. Everybody ready? Yes. We're all safe. We're all here. Yes. Okay. I'm going to get this bag of Blake's blood. Fucking hurt locker over here.

I'm going to reach into the cage and very quickly pour some of it into the toilet and then a bunch of it on the tissue paper.

And then throw the plastic bag that was all in, just drop it on the floor. And I just run to hide as far into the corner of the bathroom as I can. And Milton brings us some cheeseburgers. And we all eat in the bathroom. Like a stakeout. Yeah, I have a pair of binoculars. Eating burgers in a McDonald's bathroom. Should we take shifts? Oops, I dropped a five second rule.

So the first thing I did is I did my luck roll and I got a 72. So NBC does not kill the dog while this is happening. Good. That would have been the funniest thing that's ever happened in the history of the podcast. I'm going to roll a D10 and that's going to be how many hours it takes for this thing to show up. All right. So after four hours in the bathroom, good thing I ordered four burgers.

Well, no, I'm full after one hour later. I'm ready. Oh, man, you might have hypoglycemia. Oh, oh, no. What is that? It's a blood sugar thing. You might want to go to a doctor about it. So blood sugar sex magic thing. After four hours of tense waiting, what do you guys do to occupy their time? Are you doing shit? We're talking. Yeah, we're talking. After about 20 minutes of nothing happening. It's like, does anybody know any games? We

We play I Spy. I Spy. Ah, okay. How does that work? I Spy something white. Is it a toilet? Oh, Trudy. Let's not play I Spy. I Spy is a dumb game. Never mind. Let me regale you with stories of war. Oh, okay. And they're not that good. Like a lot of them are like, we went to this place. We had to shoot a bunch of guys. We did.

Oh. You're such a natural storyteller. Thank you, Kelsey. Everybody give me a spot hidden with disadvantage because you guys were distracted by his boring war stories. 51 out of 57. I fail. I got a 79. 46 out of 38. I'm too busy telling great war stories. 40 out of 25. Give me like the little bit of the story, like the most boring story you've told yet. Well, you see, I was wanting to trade my rations with my co-soldier.

but he did not wish to trade the rations with me. And I told him, but I have the better ones and you prefer the spaghetti. Oh. Yes. And even then, he did not. He eventually died. His name, Private Ryan. While that's going on, Kelsey, you, out of the corner of your eye, there was like a little like Minority Report style air bubble coming up from that toilet. Oh.

Do you remember when Tom Cruise releases that one air bubble? It's like one of those. You just hear a little whoop. Gotta roll screen. I think it's time. Oh. Ready. So you see like a whoop. Francis, get ready. Get ready, Francis. I'm ready. I was born ready. You hear like a little groan as a pipe sort of starts to stretch and expand. Oh, gosh. You feel something shimmering around under there. And now, monster. Monster.

is going to get to make a roll for whether it falls for your trap. What is it rolling? It is going to roll... Sanity, because this is the craziest thing it's ever seen. Let me pull up its thing. We're going to give it an intelligence roll, we'll say that. And as you know, this is the apex predator of the planet of Lanulos, so it's pretty smart. Do they have a lot of toilets and man-sized cages and pistols in Lanulos? I mean, sharks are smart, but they'll still go for the chum.

Kick out of 91. Yeah! So, yeah, you see, like, you remember Sven and Tor telling you that this thing was like a, um...

Right. Like it has sort of an adaptive camouflage. So you just feels like when you're looking at the toilet, it's just shimmering, almost like there's something invisible under the water emerging out of it. It's like a little writhing appendage inches its way out. And as it pushes its way through the toilet, it seemed to expand. Like it starts out like maybe the size of a snake sneaking through this drain. And then it just sort of almost like it inflates, like it just stretches out.

and reaches up towards that toilet paper. And you see it like slapping and grapping around and then it grabs it. And then it sort of like slithers back down for one moment. And then for just a moment, there's just silence. Oh no. It's coming back. It's coming back. It's coming back.

The toilet explodes. There's a geyser of water. There's like this cavernous hole in the ground straight where this pipe used to be. And you hear thuds and thuds and water dripping and showering as you, again, you get the impressions of this sort of semi-invisible translucent monster underneath this thing. Shoot her! Shoot her!

Yeah, Francis yanks on the... I assume I can discern something akin to an eye. I mean, can I? You do not see an eye yet. I will say. It's emerging from the... It's like the size of this table, like a dining room table. Like this seems to be pushing its way out of impossibly this rather small hole. More and more of this thing is coming out. Like a small bear? Like a bear, but like it's growing. A small bear growing into a big bear in terms of itself. Oh, wow. We only have a second. It's going to fit inside the cage and then it's going to...

to go through one of the holes of the cage. More than that, the impression you get of it is you see... Did you name the dummy? Oh...

I guess we didn't. Oh, it's probably better that way. You see the dummy slam up against the wall as it's sort of being pushed through the bars by the increasing size of this thing. The metal of the cage itself begins to buckle and stretch. As you realize, this is more than a man-sized monster in a man-sized cage. While that's happening, you hear a sharp puncture wound stabbing into this thing over and over and over again. Like just a...

And then it finds purchase in that hole that you were talking about. It finds purchase in the, um, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the,

34, I fail. I fail. Okay, then you don't know what it's doing with it. I don't know what it's doing with it. Whatever it's doing, it's sort of frenzy of animation stops for a second. You can sense its weight rearing back and then sure enough from like impossibly high up atop this thing, you see it's a sort of translucent camouflage skin open and an apparatus of some kind. So sort of fleshy skin.

circular eye. It's an eye. It's actually, it's an appendage that senses things in a way that no, you've never seen before. So it could be an eye, it could be, but whatever it is, this is how it senses the world around it. Okay. And it real reads up. But it looks fleshy unlike everything else, which is kind of like non-Euclidean. It looks like you could shoot it. Yeah. I yanked the fucking ropes. Well, before you do that, who all is looking at the eye? No,

I'm definitely looking at it. I think I'm looking at the eye. Everybody looking at the eye, give me a willpower roll. Oh, gosh. Pow. Pow-a. Oh. I failed. I failed. I feel bad. 26. Super success. Oh, good, because you got the best gun. I succeed. You succeed? 32. The two of you...

As you're staring at this thing, you remember Tor talking about this horrible, horrible eye that he saw. And he didn't know if it was an eye or a mouth, but he was mesmerized by it. It seemed to just be almost like fractaline in its depth. Like it seemed like it was deeper than could be coming from within this thing. And you're lost by its swirling, mesmerizing beauty. And you find yourself entranced and unable to act for three rounds.

We'll see. I've seen a kaleidoscope before. I'm very happy that we put you on the shoulder. That was a smart move. That was a smart play. You get a surprise round on this thing. So here's how we're going to do this. You guys built the gun. You and Francis.

There's six guns in here. Correct. Pointed at this thing. Oh, and you told me to write it down. What happened was, is that you had them both roll for the trap. Yeah. The aiming was fine because you needed a good roll. And then the damage had an advantage. Yes. Yes. Because Blake did such a good job. He has advantage on the damage of these guns, which is a dex roll because this thing is just in a random point in space. We're going to do a luck roll to see if any of the guns hit it.

So who of the two of you has the lower luck? It's definitely going to be you. I have 70-something luck. Jesus. Blake, give me a luck roll. 26. Oh! Very good, very good, very good. Who did the dexterity roll? I did the original dex roll. Oh, roll again. I don't even care. Give me a D6 roll. This is how many of the guns hit it in the eye. Six! Six, baby! Six!

six, motherfucker! Ah! Jesus. We built that cage so good. We built this cage. We built this cage on Kelsey's orders. All right. In that case, all right, Freddie. No, that feels like something you'd say in a court. It was like, we did this on Kelsey's orders. Kelsey's got a good gun plan.

So here were the guns, I believe. Kelsey's shotgun, Trudy's desert eagle, your Colt 1911. Yep. And then three snub nose revolvers from the Anderson gang and Dr. Dog. We bought Dr. Dog's gun. We left a little IOU note. I'm going to need you to do roll some damage. Ha ha ha.

Well, this hot hand's ready to roll, baby! You've got advantage on this. Oh, yeah, I do! Let's start with the shotgun. What? What? I can't. What's that? What do you want, baby? The shotgun roll. This is a 12-gauge shotgun. Yes, it is! 4D6. 4D6! Uh, uh, uh, uh!

That's 18 damage. Woo! The next gun is Trudy's Desert Eagle, which is going to do 1d10. Oh, Trudy, look, your gun's going next. 1d6 plus 3. Why did that make you laugh so much? I had no idea it was possible.

Oh, wow. With advantage. It's like watching a neighborhood firework show. Oh, my God. Did you see that gun go? Trudy's gun does 17 damage. Next is your cult 1911. Come on, America.

Come on, Samuel Colt! Alright, that's a 1d10 plus 2. That's 11 damage. And then three snub-nosed revolvers. So they got an 8 times 3 is 24, plus 24. That is... Math Keeper, what do we got? How much damage? 007, but 1-0 and the O is after the 7, so 70. That's a...

I just had a stroke. You gave me a stroke. 70. 70 damage. So, yes, in this cacophony of gunfire, just this deafening six-gun salute. You do not walk out of there.

Six guns go off. The eye of this thing explodes. You see this monster stretch out before it even knew what happened. It just groans and sways and buckles and topples over. And as it falls, it knocks the man-sized cage over with it. The cage! You see as it's... Kelsey, your cage! Kelsey, your cage! Oh no!

As it grows cold, its camouflage sort of fades and you see the actual horrifying sight of this thing. Ew. It looks basically like a big old caterpillar. Oh, that sounds like bad. It looks actually kind of benign. You hear its groaning death rattle. It's like, bound. As it shudders its last sort of breath.

Trudy, because you have its venom in a sort of reverse form in your own head. You can kind of pick up the psychic vibrations of this thing. And you feel all of its fear and its confusion. You feel the long, long, long journey it had to come here to the earth. Good luck making us feel bad for this fucking thing. This toilet monster! And you sense there's fear, but it's mixed with relief.

Not relief, but a sort of resignation, a bittersweet resignation, as you realize what it was trying to do. It was trying to escape this world. It was trying to flee from this world before the horrible thing that it knows is going to happen happens. You sense it reaching out into the darkness, and it finds you. And it can't help but sense a kind of kinship with you. It almost recognizes you as one of the many things that's infected, and you feel this message as it reaches out to you with its dying breath, and it says, Run! Run!

And then it dies. You now have a big, dead, yucky bug in this fucking place. Oh. Well, we need to extract the venom. And that's it. Nothing else is here. Yeah, Francis, did you hear anything useful? From that? No, remember? Oh, when I was at the car. Nope, he didn't. He said he didn't. I mean, we should just take the whole body to Dr. Dogs and do a full autopsy and find out where the venom is. That's a, you know what? Smart. Thanks. I gently set Francis down. Good work, Francis. Hey, thanks. You too. We built that together. Yes, we did.

Good job, big team. Yeah, sorry, Bruin Hilda, you don't get your freebie today. I think it's been a long time since we've had a win. A little guttural scream. Trudy, you want to lead us on a cheer? The guttural scream cheer? Yeah, the one we always do. Okay. I do not know this. I will try and join in. Oh, yeah. Well, you're part of the team now. All right, ready? Yes. One, two, three. Ah! Ah!

Okay. What are you doing? You're dragging this thing out of here. Yep. Your bladder that punctured this thing. You see that it is in fact filled with a sort of like viscous liquid. Yep. Taurus fan, grab the scarecrow. Make sure you don't spill the liquid in the bouncy ball. You got it. Miss grammar. That was pretty cool. Yeah. Oh, thanks. Everybody get your guns back. Please. Everybody get your guns. Pick up your guns. Redistributes the guns to the group. And then the rest of us can carry this Caterpillar thing into the car. Let's just get this head back to Dr. Dog. She'll love to see us again.

I believe we owe her some money. We might want to rob a bank or something on the way. There's a McDonald's we can rob. It's here.

We come out with six guns right to the tail. Everybody get down on the ground. No, that's not. There's no way I'm getting down on the ground. All right. So you emerge from the bathroom. Are you like covering this caterpillar or anything? We already shot a bunch of guns. Like at this point, I heard the worst thing. If we come out, they should be like, I don't think I should mess with those. Okay. So you emerge from the bathroom carrying this big,

sort of like table sized alien insectoid creature dead oozing blood oh my god one of

One of you should go to their hospital. What was your name again? Ronald. Ronald is not there. You come out of the bathroom. I heard her though. Huh? Continue, continue. You come out of the bathroom, kind of expecting pandemonium at the McDonald's because a ton of gunshots come off. You're expecting people to be freaking out by this thing. And you come out carrying this thing and it's empty. There's no one here. You look across the street.

It's like one of those classic fucking bad news on the TV and everyone's fucking at the TV store. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Actually, buddy bets, bets by TVs. You know, there's a bunch of TVs in the window and there's a whole fucking crowd of people packed around this window.

People are glued to these televisions across the street. Too many people are glued to their televisions. Okay, well, let's get this in the car and should we see what's... The TV is distracting them. We can very quickly put this alien monster into the car. We won't put the alien monster and scarecrow in the car first. Okay, great.

And then should we figure out? I mean, I feel weird over the only people in town that don't know what's going on. As you approach the window, you see that again, there's nervous murmuring and commotion as you move your way through. You see on the TV, a sort of harried Edward R. Murrow looking ass news guy saying, this is a tremendous day for humanity. A day that won't live in infamy, but will live on in history as the day that humanity made extraterrestrial contact. We go now live to the Ruffin.

Russian town of Persikovograd, where agents of the KGB and Russian government officials released this footage just now. I warn the viewing audience at home to prepare themselves for a truly shocking sight. And it cuts to the Russian news conference.

You see two top brass generals. You see like a bunch of press like wrapped around and you see two things that knock you flat on your ass. One, you see like these sort of like guys in military uniforms. You see KGB officials, a couple of dudes in lab coats. Among them, you can just make out the sunburned face of Relish Wett. The,

the person addressing the camera in Russian is speaking you can't quite understand but then they motion you see the camera turn there's a big commotion in the crowd as Relishwet another man bring forth Mothman in chains oh no Mothman

Jesus. We now settle on a car full of people asking really interesting, germane questions to the plot in character as they listen to a radio report that is like... And yes, as we have reported many times this evening and now report again, incredible news out of the Soviet Union where an alien and its spaceship has been apprehended, apparently, by... God, it's spaceship? The Soviet Union. Excuse me, I'm talking. Oh, okay.

What? Well, let's just turn down the radio. That's a little too spooky for me. I always say once the radio starts talking back to you, stop drinking. Oh, I'm turning it down. Oh, God. I'm turning it down. I turned it off. We haven't heard any of this. You weren't hearing that? No. Really? You just kept responding to something saying, oh, the radio is scary right now. And you were just talking to nothing. Yes.

I guess it's a woman thing. Oh, gosh. Wow. The radio is talking to just women. Trudy, we have to tell the other women around town. Wait, did Bebe hear it? Did you hear Radio Rick just now? Yeah, Bebe, you heard it? Bebe. I did not hear this. I didn't realize you'd grown into a woman already. Wait a minute.

Francis, wait. Are you implying that you can hear magic radio signals after you've had your period for the first time? Francis, this is just between us girls right now. I have a question for the men. Yes, yes. Do you know who Radio Rick is? No, I've never heard of him. What were you hearing? Okay.

I just heard static on the radio. That's so weird. I was like, Ms. Grammer, I was kind of like, why are they just listening to static on the radio? That's so strange. You know, it actually makes sense that men are not informed of what's actually going on in the world and they just kind of act. I agree with that. I agree that men may not be as informed. It doesn't change the fact that it doesn't make sense that we heard something from the radio and they didn't hear it at all. Is this

That's scary, right? Is this like that time they tried to trick me into thinking that women don't pee out of the hole? All you men, be quiet. I'm going to turn the radio back up, okay? Okay. Let's see what happens. I'm going to turn it slowly. Cut to the inside of Francis's ears.

Please turn down that awful static. To play from the other perspective, all the men in the car here deafening static as looks of horror slowly fill Trudy and Kelsey's face. I can't believe they're reporting that we need a little treat. That's a great idea, Trudy. No, we need to...

need to stay focused no matter what the news says it feels like the news only talking to us is a problem we could solve another time but I definitely do want to circle back to that that's worrisome and you don't even have a radio in your car but what's more worrisome is that Mothman and Timmy are in captivity and they're both so shy they don't want to be on the news even if it is only broadcasting to women

Wait, where are they? They're in the Soviet Union. They're in the Soviet Union. Specifically Russia. Russia. Yes. I'm sure Timmy's okay. The Russians are, you know, they're not great, but I don't think they would hurt a kid there with an alien. Yeah, I think they would too. Well, no, no, I don't think that, but we should go. We should go. But hold on. We don't even know where this city is because none of us have devices to tell us where things are. Where is this city? Does anybody know? There was a globe on the...

On the scarecrow that we used. Oh, yeah, there was. Yes. Ah, very good. And I took it and I have it right here. Ah, that's the bulge. So now we'll know where Russia is. I feel like Freddy deserves more credit for that. Do you think this may be silly? This may be a dumb idea. Do you think

that this radio can also speak only to the women in Russia. Like, can we talk to the radio? Cause they heard us. Can we talk to the radio and see if there's any women in Russia? I'm going to turn the radio back on. What's his name? Hello ladies. It's me, Radio Rick. I see you've turned me back on. Someone out there has turned me back on. I'm always turned on when I talk to the ladies. I'm Radio Rick. Let's change the channel from Radio Rick to Ruski Rick. Yeah. Can you talk to Ruski Rick? Uh,

In Soviet Russia, radio sexually harasses you. Do any of you guys speak Russian? Yeah. Who? No. Got him. What a fucking diss, dude. What station is Rusky Rick on? You help us, Rick. K-R-E-D. Bro, you know they got one of them backwards R's in there. Okay, maybe this was a dumb idea. This one goes out to the ladies driving in that car. What are you doing right now? We're trying to talk to women in

Russia. We want to make sure that Timmy's okay. Her son, Timmy. Could I make the argument that perhaps Trudy's late husband might have programmed her with the ability to speak Russian in case we ever got invaded? Sure.

I just don't think as the person who has to play Trudy, I should have to. No, but we'll just do like. No, we'll just translate it. Yeah, we'll just do the. You just have to do it in a really offensive accent. I don't think that's good either. Now you're speaking Russian. It worked for Harrison Ford in them in Hunt for October. Harrison Ford in Hunt for October. You want to try that again? No, I don't want to because I don't know the answer. He's clearly thinking of K-19, The Widowmaker. Yeah, K-19. There was just an article about how he was really proud of that movie. And I agree. Catherine Bigelow, totally underrated movie.

What were we doing? We're talking to the radio. We can only talk to women. And we're trying to talk to women in Russia. Just to double check that Timmy's okay. Look, this doesn't have to be a big thing. Just let us know if any women in Russia can see Timmy right now. I'll put in a call request to my counterpart in Russia, Rusky Rick, and he'll ask if any of the women out there have seen a little boy named Timmy. And now we're going to go to commercials. Hey, this is Radio Rick for...

for women's products. You can hear the commercials? Oh, wow. Yeah, I hear commercials. Oh. Oh. Oh. I always thought it was weird that there was a radio station that was just static for 15 minutes uninterrupted and then two commercials. Ben, this one's for you. Do you know how women like products? Women do like products. You guys should buy some products for women. Here are some of the products that you should buy for them. It is so convenient to get a list of the products to buy for women. Yeah, quiet down. I want to hear the list. Number one, hangers. They've got to hang stuff. Ah.

Ah, they do. Number two. No, I was. So, how do you think your sweetheart smells so good without a nice clean bar of Dove soap? That's the sponsor of today's Radio Rick program, Dove soap. And three, they need soup. Women love soup. And they especially love the delicious taste of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. So make sure when you are wondering what to get your sweetheart for Valentine's Day this year, it's Hanger's soap and soup. Those are the three keys to a woman's heart. I'm Radio Rick, and now I'm going to go take a nap.

And then he falls asleep and you hear him snoring. I couldn't hear anything. I just heard static. What was he saying? I don't know. What a crazy Cthulhu-esque radio station. But Francis said they were trying to...

Yeah, it was just advertisements. They said that women like hangers and soap and duds. Don't tell them because then we can't surprise them by being thoughtful. Kelsey rips the radio out of the car. This is tearing us apart. I can't. We don't need this. We're a family. Thank you, Mike. Okay. Throw it out. Okay. So we have. We can talk to each other. Yes. We have the doll maker. We can't talk to Russia with just each other. It's too late for that. She's got the globe. We know where Russia is. We just got to get there. Yes.

Yes, but first we need to get the venom from the doll maker, and I just have a feeling that there's something else in there that we might need. I want to know if it ate anybody. We kind of know it ate people. But who? I mean, I really want to get, because remember that we left my mom back at Dr. Dog's office, and I would really like to see if she's okay now that we killed this thing. Oh, yeah, Dr. Dog can help us dissect this. Maybe Dr. Dog can help you open up the thing. And BB, do you have, is there a badge for dissection? BB is looking out the window, and then she, like...

takes a drink she's pretending she's smoking a cigarette oh well honey i got one of those and i handed to her you don't have to pretend she lights up a cigarette and she fucking takes it down in one drag and she's like there isn't a dead animal alive i can't hack it to pieces and look at whoa oh well okay yeah we did a frog this thing's basically a big frog right there's no problem i'll get in there what do you got a knife i can do it right now i mean we're in the car let's do that dr dogs she'll be happy to see us again but she better not cramp my style when i'm getting in there okay that's for you to discuss against each other

All right, we're going to drive back to Dr. Dogs, I guess. Great. I should also mention Sven and Tor are still with you. Oh, you guys can leave. We can leave? Well, we still need to find our ma. We're kind of invested in what's going on now. Yeah, they can hang out. I mean, your ma is probably not in Russia, right? Oh, I don't... You guys have, like, passports to Europe? You guys should stay around just in case we find your ma in the belly of the beast. Oh, God. I mean, I know, but closure is better than nothing. Lucas, that's true. Closures. Yeah, if she's not in there, then, you know, hopefully she's, you know, wandering around somewhere. All right, well...

You really know how to comfort a cow. I'm trying to. The car pulls up to, well, I can't remember who's driving. Kelsey, it sounds like you're driving. You've got driving energy. Yeah, I'm driving. BD. You pull up to Dr. Sally Dog's for the third time today. It's dark out. It's closed. Oh, yeah, it's already closed. Good. Guys, I'll be right back. You hear glass shattering at the convenience store next door, and I come back holding two cans of soup.

Did he steal the soup? No. I just thought she could use a gift from us after all we've done for her. Oh, okay. Or... The sound of the glass breaking was me paying. How thoughtful of you, Francis. Across the street, you hear an irate store owner go, Hey, get it! That kid got my soup! Yeah, that's what they say. You pay for the soup. It's good advertising. Let's go inside. Okay. Sir, I toss $10 on the ground.

You just don't use so much money. We could have bought the fucking store for that. Sorry, I picked up the $10. Wow, $10, thank you. No, you're still across the street. You're still across the street. Oh, man.

I hope you're happy with that soup. That better be good soup, Francis. That cost me $10. The door opens and Dr. Dog is standing there. She says, did someone say good soup? Oh, it's you guys. Hello, Ms. Dr. Dog. What the hell is that? What are you carrying? $10 soup. Oh, it's just the most expensive soup in the kitchen. I'm not talking about this gift. I'm talking about the giant corpse of some strange creature behind me. Would you like to check out this cool corpse? You're a vet. This should be like- Please, my cat. He's very-

He's very sick. At the words, would you like to check out this cool corpse? She sort of gives a begrudging sigh because she would definitely like to fucking get in that thing. She's like, what the hell is that? She just like glares at you and grabs the soups and she's like, get in. All right. I'll find your hot plate. That's it for us. So they lost what was inside it.

Okay, so you bring... That's why we're here. All right, just come in. Just come in. Shut up. Just come inside. And remember, we're trying to extract the venom. Yes, two things. You're right. Yes. Extract the venom from this thing. What is that in the scarecrow? It seems like there's a big ball that has liquid sloshing around in it. Oh, yeah. This is the venom. Keep it in a nice container. A nice container. Yeah. I will have the soup. Okay. And then I will put the venom in the soup container for you. Oh. I like to recycle. Recycling.

Your kids are going to love it. Okay. Let's make sure we put all over the soup can. Big letters. This is poison. Not soup. Don't accidentally eat the soup. Yes, it's mind control juice. Yeah, it's mind control juice. This is, I'm taking in a lot today. Just come in. Yeah, just chop this thing up and we want to know if there's anything inside of it. Do you have any like bread?

So, I'm sorry, what? You bread or slices of cheese? It's tomato soup. It feels weird to just eat tomato, like we could get grilled cheese in tomato soup. She hasn't let you in yet, but she just cracks open one of these cans and just like chugs the entire soup. Oh, I've been there. Oh my God, I'm so in love with her. And then she wipes her mouth all sexy and she's like, come in. Frances, she's got kind of a messy face. You know what she'd really want? Some soap.

I'll be right back. And you hear another glass shatter. You hear off in the distance. I'm sorry, that's my show. As you guys step inside, you catch a smell in here which you had not smelled before, which might actually make sense. What, like up dog? Dude. It's a vet's office. Is it perhaps the smell of up dog? It might smell like up dog in there. Could this be the strange smell of up dog? You smell clove cigarettes. Oh my God. Those are bad for you. It's my high school girlfriend. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

As you enter the room, you realize it's dark in here. And then a light who turned out the lights, a light switches on. Hey, who turned on the light? And you see two people standing in the corner. One of them you recognize as Penny Pickett. I don't recognize that. I'm going to throw you a bone and explain who it is. Penny Pickett, the elderly secretary of Shane Silva.

Yeah, who you have beef with. Yeah. For a reason. I think she cheats at bingo. Yeah. I think that was what we decided. She does. You don't have to know how somebody cheats to know that they cheat. Next to her, you see a dapper looking man with slicked back jet black hair, a scar on his face. He's wearing a sort of elegant suit. Looks like Penny One Man bingo too. Yeah.

Here.

Hear me out. Dating app. Man bingo. Man bingo. I would love that. That sounds like the name of like a Doris Day Rock Hudson movie from the 60s. Oh, yeah. You put together a bingo of what, like everything you want in a man. And then if any man hits like a bingo, then you get married. Won't kill me. Before you meet. Tells the truth. Before you meet, you got to marry him. Beth, would you do a dating app? Yeah, I would. That guarantees 100% success rate, but you had to agree to get married before you do that. So it's like married at first sight, but it's with bingo. But it's an app. Yeah, I'm in. Yeah.

It's really important to me because you know it's an app. And they don't pay for your wedding. Well, yeah, they wouldn't pay for your wedding. It's an app. The show does. Can you get an annulment within, like, longer than you normally can get an annulment? How long? As of now in America, you can still get divorced. Divorce is expensive. Annulments are easy. Oh, are they? I don't know. I don't know.

What are we doing? Penny's here, but she's got some hot stud with her. You dramatically turn around and you see these two people standing next to you. You want a dog in a game? And then Penny looks at you and says, Dasvidaniya, Kelsey. Oh no, she's Russian. She's Russian. That could be good. She could have a way to get us to Russia. And then the man standing next to her takes a drag of his clove cigarette and says, well, well, well, if it isn't the guttural screams.

I like this guy. We've already made the acquaintance of Dr. Dog here, your medic slash woman person that helps you out. Why don't you have a seat? Penny here, or should I say Valislava, and I have something to discuss with you. Hey.

Hey, wait a second. I remember Tony saying something about British people in spite. Did you guys get rid of Tony? Did you disappear him? Your erstwhile friend, Tony Colletti. We made his acquaintance. We had quite the deal for him, and unfortunately, he didn't take us up on it. But he did bring us to following you around. Wait, what was the deal? My, my, my. What a lot of work you've done, too.

Oh my god, Tony wasn't lying about the spy thing and the queen. Oh my god. And we didn't believe him. We didn't believe him. The marker, this marker, and he flips a coin to you that has a picture of the queen's face on it and a long phone number and she's giving a thumbs up and it also has the date of her death on it. It starts with plus 44. Plus 44. To us? The name's White, Ebenezer White, MI6.

So I got a token. They flipped it to you, yeah. Okay, cool, we got a token. We can talk to the queen now. I'm already so confident that you're going to join us for this little operation we have in mind that I've decided to give you the queen's token first. That's right, I'm still in control of the scene. Oh, okay. So why don't you sit down? We have much to explain. Oh my god, we want to check the tummy and the venom, though. Yes, we have an autopsy to perform. You hear Dr. Dog in the back, like...

like okay she's doing jack hammering and songs she's like this thing's gonna take a while back here you probably have time to have a conversation don't sorry i let the spies in but i'm not that sorry because you guys keep barging in on me don't throw away anything we need everything that's in the stomach just in case how did you get inside dr dogs we knocked on the door and asked her i'll be and she just said okay well once she heard that we wanted to mess with you guys she was like that's great that makes sense now i get it there's nothing a confident british man can't get in this country with a long drape on a cigarette can't get us to remain colonies

As I was saying, young man, we have an operation to discuss with you that we could use your help on. Does that sound okay? Yeah, you can keep talking. Keep going. Yeah, you're in control of the scene, you said. Now, Francis, you can hear him, right? Yeah. Yes, he is standing right there. What a weird question. My word. I never thought I would have to ask that, but now I just got to double check that everybody can hear the things I'm hearing. And you have radios in England. Penny, a.k.a. Yaroslav, like narrows her eyes and looks at you like, did you hear the signal as well just now?

Yes. We will talk later about the radio, Rick. The future is female. That's actually the worst thing you've ever said. I know. I thought so long about not saying it. But then I thought you wouldn't like it. I thought it would be funny. Yeah, I didn't like it. That gave me the exact same feeling as seeing the line of women Avengers come up.

That gave me the exact same feeling as like seeing the like Katy Perry space thing. And like, I'm like, what is going on? Turn it to it, Trudy. Nevertheless, Kelsey persisted. Ebenezer White goes over to like, he set up a little fun slide projector. Oh, okay. To do like a cool mission briefing. He's got it aimed at the wall. Kelsey loves a good slide projector. I can't see it. Miss Grandma, would you be a dude and dim the lights for me? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. There's no dimmer here. It's just off. That's fine. It's obviously better for a projector. Oh.

You don't need to dim it. And there's already some light from the projector itself, so you can still see everybody. If I could ask him, I could ask him, Dr. Dog, Dr. Dog, do you have a room with a dimmer? Yeah, my office has a dimmer. Why do you need a dimmer? It's fine. It's fine. We'll just do it in here. Okay, but if you do want a dimmer, we could go into her office, but I'm already all set up here. Okay, great.

Ebenezer clicks one of the little fucking buttons and you hear that like noise as you see like the picture from Percy Covigrad of the KGB and the military with like captured, punished Mothman who's all shackled up. That's a torn-axe curacao. He says, doubtless you've seen the news by now concerning your good friend. Yeah, we did. It was just like this, but it moved faster. It wasn't just individual images. For reasons that will become clear in just a moment, it's vital to zoomies. Matt has the zoomies today. Ha ha.

It is vital to the security of the free world that this man, this mothman and his ship be rescued from Soviet hands. Unfortunately, the place he's being held is a veritable fortress of security and secrets. But with your help and a dash of damn good luck, we just might spring the old chap right out from under the Rusky's noses. Yaroslava?

So now Yaroslava comes up. He like kind of hands her the little clicky button she takes in. There's like, you sense there's like, there's a vibe between these two. There's like, this stuff might have happened here. Makes sense. But she's trying to, she's like, I'm professional. I'm like, I'm fucking like, come on, please. Wow, there's a lot going on between that little. We got a lot from this. You know, come on, Penny, keep it together. Act professional in front of these people.

Don't embarrass women. Yaroslava clicks his button and you see like a spy plane photograph of a Russian town with a sort of perimeter fence around it. She says, this is Persikovograd, Nizinovograd Oblast. It's a closed city, similar to your Los Alamos. Officially home to the scientists and engineers working on a top secret project codenamed Motherland. Unofficially, something has gone wrong.

The Kremlin has lost contact with Project Motherland. But he's right there. Yeah. But the Kremlin had... I'm explaining. Oh, okay. The local Soviet has gone rogue. The KGB has sent in agent after agent to assess the situation, only for them to turn up dead months later. Well, they should not do one at a time. The only scrap of intelligence... They just send a lot of agents at once. The more agents we send...

All at one time, the bigger the risk of this getting out happens. And the Soviet Union cannot afford an embarrassment like this at this time, Kelsey. Please pay attention. Okay, I'm trying. The only scrap of intelligence we've been able to retrieve is a single phrase clawed into the flesh of an agent we found frozen like a popsicle 50 miles away. Beware the powers that be.

Was this in Russian? Yes, it was in fucking Russian. It's in Russia. Wow, it hurts even more to claw that in. It must have been way longer than the English version. It was excruciating. Our agent died getting us this message that took a very long time to carve into his flesh and serilic. You got all these pictures that you see Trudy's son, Timmy. He was on a spaceship. Yeah, or a spaceship. All we know is what you have seen in terms of what has come out of Percy Kopergrad.

Ebenezer clicks back, clicks another slide, and it kind of... Oh, then he goes back first. He's like, whoops, sorry, wrong button. Excuse me, old dude. And then you gotta go twice. No shame. 30 years of teaching, I still do that sometimes. It's not a big deal. So he clicks twice to go forward. He's going back to that first photograph, but he punches it on one of the faces. How did it do that? It was the second slide. It was the second slide. Oh, my God. Oh, the enhanced slide. And it sort of zoomed in on the photograph, and you see amongst the faces of the stern-looking government officials...

relish wet. I like the idea that they said zoom in and we all just got really close to the screen. No, zoom in. And you all scooched up to the screen. Everyone, please zoom in. Your head is blocking the light. It's just a shadow. And Ebenezer says, I know you've had your encounters with the powers that be and you don't need to be fathered brown to deduce that they've taken over Project Motherland for their own sinister designs. And if they're willing to boast to the world that they've captured an alien spacecraft and its pilot, whatever they're planning must be nearing fruition unless we stop it.

That's where you come in. Yeah, why us? Yeah. He clicks the slide again and you see a picture of a Slavic bowling team posing with a trophy like these four strapping bowlers. And Ebenezer says, an elite Lithuanian bowling team, the Lithuaniacs, has defected to the Western powers and has been supplying us with secret intelligence about- What does that have to do with Russians? Fucking let me- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm getting to that, Ms. Grammar. Ms. Grammar, you make a living teaching, yes? Yeah, yeah. I answer questions politely when the teacher would have... I'm sorry, I'll raise my hand. Do you raise your hand? Can you raise your hand next time? Yes, Ms. Grammar. Okay. Is Lithuania part of the Soviet Union? Yes, it is. Thank you for answering my question. That's all I wanted to know. Okay. Well, now we've learned something. Yeah. You already got a head start on when you get to S. And L. And L.

Hi. Why ask, though? Hello.

Yaroslava clicks forward to another place. Why'd you drop your gun? Guys, shut up! Come on, listen! These sort of events have been happening in Persicovo-Grad for months now. Sports matches, literary honors, science summits. The top performers in each event are taken to City Hall for a meeting with the Project Motherland site director and never seen again.

We need you to pose as the Lithuaniacs, win the Persikovograd bowling tournament, meet with the site director, infiltrate Project Motherland. Yes, you have your hand up. Yeah, why not just use the Lithuaniacs if they're already loyal and they're better bowlers than almost everybody? Yes, Trudy. I will answer both questions in order. Are you saying we have a chance to make herstory? No.

To answer your question, the Lithuanian bowling team provided this information to us as part of a bargain to be exfiltrated from the company. Furthermore, these bowlers in Russia, we have a movie called Cataclysm. It is about an asteroid falling to Earth.

In this movie, many Russian oil drillers are trained to drill into an asteroid. Why don't you train a cosmonaut how to drill oil? Exactly. Exactly my point. And this is why no one in Russia likes this movie, because obviously cosmonauts would be better to learn drilling than drillers to learn cosmonaut job.

Actually, it's a team effort and it would be very difficult to coordinate the team dynamics that are present in drilling. And that is exactly why we need you. We have seen your operations. We have seen your work here in Peachyville. We have seen the way you make mincemeat of the Bisons. Look at this monster you have captured. These Lithuanian bullers, they know nothing but you.

We're all spies here. Yes, we know you are possibly CIA, possibly FBI. No, we're definitely not. Okay. You are bowling team, of course. That is why you find yourself so efficient and effective at killing people. I mean, I

I don't know if we're going to have much of a chance against the Russians unless all of them poke their heads out of a toilet at the same time. And we have to win the bowling? This is why you are perfect for the job. You are an effective bowling team. You are an effective espionage team. You are the perfect people to infiltrate and save your country, our country, and possibly the world. Blake, how are you at bowling? Ah, yes, I wanted to bring this up.

I do not know what bowling... Well, Mr. Lively. What bowling is? We have a way of assessing your bowling skill. Would you like to hear what it is? Yes. Before we hear anything, I have one demand. Ha ha ha!

You say you don't want to pay taxes ever. That's if we do this. I don't want to pay taxes. Oh, shit. Never. Oh, shit.

Not even one of those. You turn and Francis has a little animal cracker going across Bebe's stomach. Oh my god. Ben Affleck does that lip time at the beginning. She's like 12. It's just Francis and Bebe. I just never even like. I'm sorry. Reverse it. Bebe's doing that to Francis.

Oh, well, I don't know how to recover from this. Oh, where were we? Okay. Just say yes. We don't pay taxes. That's part of the problem. These guys are American. But we'll be sure to put in a word for you. Either say we don't pay taxes or I'm going to call the queen with a token you gave me and ask her to make sure that we don't pay taxes. That's a great use of your favorite of your token. Why would you let us not pay taxes? I can't. I'm not in charge of the American tax system, dear. I work for MI6, not the IRS. All right.

Guess I'll just keep paying for those roads I don't use. Oh my God. That's what you're building. Oh my God. Holy shit. I can't believe you're a teacher. Let me make it plain for you. Yeah. We need a bowling team to go into this city. And we want to save Mothman. You need to save Mothman and the boy Timmy. Yeah.

Yes. It seems like we can work together on this task, yes? Yes. As a team. As a team. But we are in the middle of finding a third key, which is important also. You hear more jackhammering in the back, and she says, yeah, this is going to take about exactly 24 hours.

for me to get in here and root through this thing just so you know. Are we going to be back in 24 hours? How convenient, because we need you for possibly around 48 hours. 12 to get there, 24 to do your business, 12 to return. So whatever's inside will be waiting for you on your return. Okay. Yeah, Dr. Dog, you can autopsy it twice. Maybe I will. That sounds like a great idea. Cool.

All right, Tree, it's up to you. We'll go wherever you need to go. If we got to go save Timmy and Mothman now, we'll do that. You know, Kelsey, there's not much that we've done that I felt equipped for particularly, but...

Bowling? I feel like that I understand. We're a pretty good team. And so if we can get Moth Jesus and Timmy back just by bowling, well, surely it should be a walk in the park. I like that. I would be prepared for something more difficult than that. Oh, yeah.

Well, they're worth it. That's great. However, again, I have not bowled before. Well, you're rich. We'll teach you on the plane. Aren't you blessed that you have both an expert bowler like myself and a teacher like Kelsey? Oh, my gosh. Can you imagine? I would pay to forget bowling just so I could experience bowling for the first time. And what about you, Francis? I have sodium pentothal. I can make you forget bowling with one injection of this syringe.

I mean, I'm okay at it, but statistically speaking, the last game we played, I rolled a strike, so... Wait, wait, just bowling? Huh? Sorry, what? Like, I go, forget just bowling. LAUGHTER

I was making how you say a little joke about the Russian-Taliban techniques. I was like, wow. But Francis, will you have difficulty now that you're your leg? Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be much help bowling. Oh, you can still bowl. We'll just figure it out. Yeah, I guess I could do it like the kid way where I walk up and then just sort of use both hands and sort of shove it slowly down the lane. Not the kid way. The kid way. No, that's not it. No.

What do you think it's called? What do you think it's called, Kelsey? It's called the Francis. The Francis? The Fantastic Francis. The Fantastic Francis. Yeah.

This thing that I haven't done yet, you call the fantastic Francis? Yeah, I just believe in you. And by the time you're done learning how to do it, it will be fantastic. And it'll be yours. And you're Francis. I am Francis. Yeah. Dude, you put us in contact with the Lithuanians, like via radio or something? They might have information about the Soviet Union that we don't have. It could be useful to keep in touch with them. And also we could find out if women can be heard. Yeah.

Over the radio. In one fell swoop. I'm sorry. You're asking if he can put you in contact with the Lithuanians. Yes. Yes, you'll have quite the long flight and we do have a radio on the plane and we can try to arrange some sort of, if you wish to review backstories and make sure that you're well prepped for the mission, of course, you can arrange something like that.

acting. Yeah, we're going to have to pretend to be individual Lithuaniacs. Yes. We have to pretend to be from Lithuania? Yeah. Yes. How? But we know nothing of Lithuania. Well, you have 12 hours on the flight to figure it out. Are you in guttural screams? Yes. Yes. If this means we can protect the town and find out more about whatever the hell it is it's going on,

However, I will say that I am a little conflicted. Why? Because the Soviet Union were our staunch allies in World War II, and I fought alongside many great Russians in the fight against the Nazi threat. Yeah. I've been told that the communists suck and always have. That's weird.

It's very complicated messaging right now. We're just bowling. Communists, Americans, Soviets, citizens. One thing we are all right now is human beings. And together we can work to save this planet. And if I can change and you can change, we can all change. And you got bowling alley set up in that cargo jet, right? We've got certain facilities on board. Yes. Now pack your bags. We're headed.

We're packed. We have no bags. Yeah, I'm packed. Okay, great. Then get in the fucking car. Oh, okay. Oh, we're outside. Here we are. No, like the car is outside. We're inside. Yes. Oh, thank God. Oh. The mother feeling the broken sky. It's twisted in. I can see is a hole in the star. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away.

Thanks so much for listening. As you may be aware, we do a Patreon. We're starting at five bucks a month. We load you up on tons of additional content. This past week, we put a part two of the EU tour documentary. Part one was about Dublin. Part two is about London, Edinburgh and Leeds. You're probably thinking Leeds. That's kind of a weird city to visit. Well, let Matt explain. The

only reason we're at Edinburgh is also because of me. We did not have Edinburgh on the tour. I went here for my honeymoon. I love it. In order to go to Leeds, I went to Freddie and I went straight to Julian. I was like, hey, Leeds is right halfway between London. So even the idea of being in this beautiful city, these fuckers aren't even preaching. I didn't see them do shit that would do well.

You can watch that doc right now on our Patreon. We also have documentaries for both US tours, as well as an after show we do on the off weeks where we answer listener questions and give you a peek behind the DM screen, so to speak.

Thank you.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Anissa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Sydney Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Greaves, Omar Romalino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing. I mentioned a Patreon earlier. Well, one of the perks you can get is that you're entered into a shout out pool. So much thanks to Brian Bushman, Short Bus Paladin, Old Greg Love Games, Michael Orozco, Miguel Guevara, Kyle Bergman, Allie Huston, Burnsy Burns, Jeffin Around, Yuri, Kurt Nasty, Kevin,

Our next episode is coming out June 3rd. We'll see you then.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far, but I'll stay today I can't see as a hole in the stars Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far, but I'll stay today

I'm just looking up other Call of Cthulhu monsters just out of interest to see what the average HP is. And I found something called Hunting Horror and I'm like, "Ooh, that sounds important." 25 HP. Some of them get pretty beefy. The craziest looking one, Star Spawn of Cthulhu, is 78. So we still have... Bro, we almost one-shot a Star Spawn of Cthulhu! We almost wiped out the kid of Cthulhu! A Star Spawn of Cthulhu, dude?! That's a lot of damage. Wait, that's kinda jacked up to think that like six guns could kill a Spawn of Cthulhu. Yeah.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Chime. Ding dong. It's bills. Oh, man. It's finance. Why'd I open the door for this? Castle doctrine on bills. Chime understands that every dollar counts. That's why when you set up direct deposit through Chime, you get access to fee-free features like free overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and more. By the way, here's a really big benefit of having Chime. I'm ready. Fee-free ATMs. Whoa!

Now, listen, I get it. Most of the time you get fee-free ATMs. Whoa, whatever. 50,000 fee-free ATMs. Now, here's the thing. Wow. That's a lot. I will say this. Normally when you're tied to a bank and you got those ATMs, you're still looking for the bank. You know what I mean? So it's always a pain. Yeah. Chimes all over the place. Okay. Really? Yeah.

I've never seen a Chime ATM in my life. You want to know why? Why? Because they contract with other entities. Ah, okay. So they don't say Chime. They're like Walgreens, they're like 7-Eleven. Okay. And to be clear, 50,000 fee-free ATMs, that's more than the top three national banks combined. Wow. That's convenience right there. Chime is banking done right. You can open the checking account with no monthly fees and no maintenance fees. You get paid up to two days early, like we said, when you set up direct deposit.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by Shopify. Those of you entrepreneurs out there. That's me. You're an entrepreneur. What do you do, Matt? Yeah, what do you do, Matt? Pitch me, shark. Check this out. You play Dungeons and Dragons, right? I do. Imagine you could make money doing that by playing it for me.

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Dungeons and Daggers is brought to you this week by Greenlight. You know what they say? What? Money doesn't grow on trees. Ah, it doesn't. But the paper for money does. Paper is actually literally trees, if you think about it. Mm-hmm.

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