S3 Ep. 26 - Wii Who Are About to Die
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Hey, this is Naomi Ickparigan, co-host of the podcast Couples Therapy. I wanted to talk to you about Boost Mobile, the newest 5G network in the country. Boost Mobile's new network delivers customers the speed and service they'd expect from the big three, plus groundbreaking benefits you'd only get from a true challenger in the industry, like letting people try the network risk-free for 30 days and offering a $25 per month unlimited plan that's guaranteed to never go up in price.

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Dungeons and Dimes is brought to you this week by us. We have sold out to ourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, are you gay?

It's here, the Dungeons and Daddies pride zine. Wait, you can't be talking about pride zine and then open with ladies and gentlemen. That's a good point. Bitches, bros, and non-binary hoes, are you ready for the best zine you've ever bought? Best zine you've ever seen, it's the Dungeons and Daddies pride zine coming in hot. The pride zine, a lovingly curated explosion of color, creativity, and chaotic energy from all of our friends.

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Oh boy, this looks like a fun magazine. What's it for? Ah, cool. Page after page of fan art from seasons one, two, and beyond. We've organized it by campaign so you can avoid spoilers. This is a celebration of pride, fan creativity, and of course, the truth that anyone can be a daddy no matter who you are or who you love. Dude, I wrote that piece of copy.

Isn't that good? That's good. Pride is permanent. The zine, however, is not. It is available as a printed physical zine for the month of June only. Afterwards, you can get it as a digital download. We also have dice. Roll with pride. Celebrate who you are. Land that nat 20 with the official Dungeons and Dice Pride medal dice set. Forged in the fires of queerness, chaos, and technically zinc, apparently. No.

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It's there. You'll figure it out. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Get me Buckingham 78338. Hello? Yes, this is the Queen of England. Mom, it's me, Ebenezer White. I apologize for calling so late. It's never too late to hear your voice, little chicken. Ma'am, I'm afraid we'll have to skip our sexually charged banter and prematurely come to the point. We

We've recruited the Gutterall Screams to rescue that moth fellow from the Soviets. Alas, one of the Americans, a Miss Kelsey Grammer, will only agree to terms if she never has to pay taxes again. I was wondering if you could pull a string or two? Oh, bother. This is a dreadful imposition, lover. But I suppose Mummy can make some magic happen just this once. A kissy-bye? Hmm...

Let's see, who should Queenie call? Oh, yes! Operator, get me Pennsylvania 453. Connecting. Hello, this is Dwight D. Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States. Ike, dearie, it's me, the Queen of England. Sorry for calling so early. It's never too early to hear your voice, my special relationship.

What are you wearing right now? Oh, you know... One of my fun little hats. But Ikey, this isn't a social call. There's a woman in Nebraska named Kelsey Grammar that doesn't want to pay taxes anymore. Be a good little boy and make that happen. Anything for you, my English muffin.

God, if I had some marmalade right now, I'd spread it on your hot- Now, now, no time for that. Off you pop now, Ike. Ta-ta. Get me dick. Connecting.

This is Richard Nixon, the vice- Shut up, dick. Some broad in Nebraska doesn't want to pay taxes anymore. No taxes? She sounds like a pinko to me. You want me to- I want you to shut up and get it done. Kelsey Grammer, Nebraska, no taxes. You got all that? Yes, Mr. President.

What's wrong, Dickie Bear? Oh, it's nothing, John F. Kennedy. I just wish he treated me better. I'm not his errand boy. And if he wants this Kelsey Grammar lady to not pay taxes anymore, he can go to Nebraska and do it himself. Kelsey Grammar, huh? Tell you what, you go fix me a scotch and I'll take a crack at her. Oh, very well. Oh.

Miss Grandma, this is John F. Kennedy. How you doing? JFK? My goodness! Wait a second. Is this about my taxes? Because even you can't charm me out of this one. And I never try to, baby. Trust me, I hate paying for roads I don't use as much as the next fella. But, uh, let's talk a little bit less about what your country can do for you and a little more about what you can do for your country. Okay, well, what do you have in mind? What are you wearing right now? A lovely purple frock with math equations stitched all over it. Oh, Mama...

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Wait, what? This season, the Peachyville Horror. A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. And... And... And... In Soviet Russia. About to be in Soviet Russia.

Yeah, we're not there yet. Yeah, also, hey, team. I mean, yeah, you guys could, if anyone could manage to not get to Russia this episode, it would be you guys. Well, you've never pulled out, I mean, a DM could just say like, you wake up and you're all in Russia. Oh.

I don't do them like that, dude. I don't do them like that. DM Styles all around. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Blake Lively. The Lively plumber is so active and rich and thinking all the time. Are you familiar with Mike Diamond, the smell good plumber in Los Angeles? Yeah. Which I thought was the weirdest. He's like, our plumber smells good. This is his whole thing is he smells good. And then they invented a slur for other plumbers where they call them Bubba's.

He's like, sorry, ma'am. No Bubba's here. Just Mike Diamond, the smelly plumber. I've never met a smelly plumber. I'm like, this feels like eugenics adjacent. That's all I'm going to say. Feels like an old problem. Feels like plumbers have been smelling good for a long time now. I think this is one plumber just trying to fucking start shit. How about market differentiation? Okay, wait. Hear me out. A cologne marketed by plumbers. Oh, an eau de toilette, if you will. A poo-pourri. Ah.

Chanel number two, am I right? This week's Blake Lively fact. Last time we spent some time in the bathroom of a McDonald's. Blake, too, has spent a lot of time in bathrooms of McDonald's. And afterwards...

You didn't catch this in the scene, but Blake was like, another one. What he was referring to, what he was referring to was Blake has not eaten at McDonald's yet. Every single time, some crazy happenstance makes it so that he can't get a McDonald's hamburger. And you know what we're going to do, Freddie, because we're banking a sort of backlog in anticipation of some summer events. So we can absolutely go back and add in you saying, well, another one like in the back

round of the last episode. It's not that like he's found himself at McDonald's only because like he needs to use a bathroom suddenly. It's like he's gone to McDonald's. He's gone to McDonald's and somehow every time has not gone to burger. Last time he was like now I will try this American treat and he goes in and it turns out. Is he not American? Oh,

What? Is he not American? He's an immigrant. He can still say, I want to try this American treat, Matt. I guess that's right. The backstory was that you're in a field. I say that every single time I go to Taco Bell. Now that it's 2025, Matt can say all the shit that just comes into his head. You know, it's like on the plane when they're like, is there a doctor on the plane? Like something goes wrong. They're like, is there a plumber in this McDonald's? So like you said, last time he went, oh, the toilet was backed up and he was like, oh, I guess I gotta fix this. And then by the time they were done, they're like, oh, we turned off the stuff. And when it was the end of the day, the

The time before that, he went in. Fuck those people. Guess what? You fix their toilet, they wouldn't give you a burger? The time before that, he went in. Guess what? What? Ice cream machine was broken. Hey!

Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. And you know what she always says? Look, sometimes teaching needs a sick day, so just shut up and read your books. I'm good. Just leave me alone. We talked about quiet ball, right? What? Oh, fuck, silent ball. Yeah, sorry, what? Continue your thing. Oh yeah, you can do that. Whatever you want to do is fine with Teach, okay? Teach is just going to lay her head down a little bit.

a little peachy fact, a little fact about Kelsey. Real fact about Matt is that he's, he's sick. He's got tummy problems. It's been a couple of days. I'm a little worried. I mean, he has reason to worry given past events, but,

But a little fact about Kelsey. When Kelsey gets sick, she turns into a big old baby. In fact, Roz and Niles knows when she's sick because she stops living at her place and she just shows up on the couch in their house and lays down and just, you know, doesn't even need to ask anymore. Just chicken soup. Just being taken care of. She's on the TV. Milton's waiting on her. Milton loves it when Kelsey's sick. Oh, no. Oh, no. What's the inverse of munchausen by proxy?

That's so man coded of Kelsey. Yeah. I mean, you know, you're responsible for taking care of me now. Hey, she takes care of kids all day, all the time. I hope.

I hope this doesn't bring down the mood of everybody around me. Not saying that Matt does that, but men at large. I go hide in a corner so nobody can see me. I don't want anybody to know I'm sick. Matt's like a cat when they're dying. Yeah, exactly. I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid who's trying his best. And Francis' fact is that his favorite sport is quiet ball.

well i was actually really good at silent ball when i was in school me too what the fuck are you two talking okay they call it silent ball in europe and they call it quiet soccer over here they call it hardies and so when it was either raining and we couldn't do recess or if the teacher just needed time to grain was hung over or needed great papers or needed whatever needed a thing to do so the entire class would shut the fuck up and they could just concentrate they came up with the

smartest idea I've ever heard in my life which is quiet ball or silent ball where you take like a four square ball and everybody sits on their desk dude you played with those four square balls yeah I went to a pretty good elementary school dude and you throw it from person to person and if you like bobbled it and it fell or you failed to catch it or whatever you're fucking out you're

You're out. You have to sit down in your desk. Yeah. Because we're all sitting on top of our desks while this is happening. It fucking rules. And so everybody shuts the fuck... And also, if you talk, you're out. Yeah. So what's great about it is the rules lawyering that you try to do without saying anything, where you, like, point to somebody's hands and then point at the wall and, like, point at the floor and, like... Oh, yeah. Convey, like, you fucked that up. That wasn't my fault. So what's the incentive of once you are out? Yeah. What stops them from just going, wow, what stops them from yelling and going, what, you're still not allowed to talk? You're still not allowed to talk. Yeah. Then you don't get to play the next game. Oh.

Oh, okay. You cut out. Wow. Very cool. But what was the sad Francis version of this? Oh, no. Francis is state champion. That's so sick. They needed the entire state of Nebraska to shut the fuck up for a second. Hi. My name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout. She's a homemaker, a mother of one beautiful child, and she's a robot. So...

Trudy has actually created her own competitor to the garbage disposal, which has just been invented. But she calls it a spam filter. God. That's actually really good. I like that a lot. I like that. Pretty good. God. Yeah, because like spam was also taken off in the 50s. Yeah. But garbage disposal like doesn't filter anything. Well, yeah.

Okay. She said it's a competitor product. Matt? Can you imagine if your garbage system pulls only chewed up some stuff and left some stuff back in the sink? Like, no, not this stuff. This stuff stays in your sink. Well, it kind of does. Those are called forks. Yeah. And you find out real quick if one of those is in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi, everyone. I'm Will. I'm your keeper. I'm the keeper of the secrets. I'm the keeper of the keys. You know, I'm the guy. No, we have the keys now. He's a game master. Oh, we need to get that one key. There's one key left. Oh, yeah, we have it. We just don't know we have it yet. One key, I don't know why. You guys haven't found it no matter how hard you try. Well, it's inside the body, but we have it. All right, shut up.

This is my game and my fact today. My creepy fact is about, I don't know if this is creepy that everyone already knows this, the Dilatov Pass incident. Oh, yeah. Dyatlov. Dyatlov. The Dyatlov. Cut out them correcting me and putting me saying it the right way. Make us three times louder. Dyatlov. Dyatlov. The Dyatlov Pass incident.

It was an event in which nine Soviet hikers died in the northern Ural Mountains on February 1st or 2nd, 1959, under uncertain circumstances. Now they're pretty certain. Overnight, something caused them to cut their way out of their tents and flee the campsite while inadequately dressed for heavy snowfall and sub-zero temperatures. Inadequately dressed? They were naked. They were naked.

Why were they naked? What did they see? Because of paradoxical undressing. No, apparently that's not what it was, according to Wikipedia, where there's like fucking nine causes for why these people ran out all naked. Sounds like nine dudes were boning and scared by a bear. No, that's also not a thing. That's not a thing? No.

Oh, man. Here's one of the theories for why all of the Soviet skiers got spooked and ran out naked. Possibly related to a romantic encounter that left some of them partially closed, led to a violent dispute. Except this was refuted by someone who says that it's highly impossible because by all indications, the group was largely harmonious and sexual tension was confined to platonic flirtation and crushing.

I've never been more certain. I've never been more certain they were all fucking. Never been more certain because they were fucking. You didn't ever, ever agree with fucking until you read that. Yeah, 100%. That's conclusive evidence. There were no drugs present and the only alcohol was a small flask of medicinal alcohol found at the scene. Medicinal alcohol? And they had even sworn off cigarettes for the expedition. So you're telling me.

You're telling me a bunch of hot Soviet skink ears who had platonic crushes on each other were all cooped up in a tent with no alcohol and they all just quit smoking. Obviously, they weren't fucking. No, obviously not. I mean, it had to have been an alien. It was aliens. Slab avalanche. They think it might have been parachute mind testing. There's a lot of kooky theories. They haven't really gotten to the bottom of this one. The underdog.

known mystery is what makes it all the spookier but they were fucking they find the bodies yeah that's why it's so haunting because they would find like parts of the bodies and stuff yeah which is probably just like animals ate them after yeah for sure or it was an alien that fucked them yeah an alien fucked them yeah why not I feel like you accepted that a little bit too fast thanks guys

To recap, you all successfully out-predatored the apex predator of the planet Laniolos, the Dollmaker. Using your quick wits, a lot of guns, a well-crafted scarecrow, and a shockingly large McDonald's order, you lured the Dollmaker into a men's bathroom, trapped it in a cage, and blasted its weak spot to smithereens with like 17 booby-trapped guns. Dude, this shit was like Monster Hunter.

The part of Monster Hunter where you fight it for half a second and then it dies? You put a bunch of, you know, bombs. Yeah, you lay a bunch of... No, this is like Monster Hunter. Because what Matt told me about Monster Hunter is that the fun part of Monster Hunter is laying elaborate TNT traps around the sleeping monsters. This is now like the end game of Monster Hunter where you guys are now.

Where we have to fight him again? The same monster harder? I've never played Monster Hunter. Congratulations, you have gained the following items. It's like Kingdom Dad monster right now. The Dollmaker's ginormous corpse, which may have the third key you've been after in its entrails. Although technically, Francis didn't hear that when he eavesdropped on Dr. Man and Brian Mitchell in the McDonald's parking lot because Anthony decided to be funny and say he didn't hear that. We're going to autopsy it for the venom anyway. And I also want to know if it ate anybody else. We should really check its stomach. Yeah, all right.

Two, you also got the Dollmaker's Mind Control Venom, which Mothman can use to create an antidote to save Timmy, Trudy's son. However, comma, upon exiting the Golden Arches, you and the rest of the free world overheard the shocking news out of a little town called Persikovograd in Russia. It appears the Soviets have captured an alien spacecraft and its pilot, who the Ministry of Propaganda has nicknamed Chelyovek Matayok.

which is Russian for Mothman. Before we get started, before we go into the next little traveling montage, we need to figure out how good Blake Lively is at bowling. Yeah, yeah. Wait. I,

I asked Matt to bring his Nintendo Switch. Wait, what do you mean only Freddy gets to play? I've never seen Bethany in my life. I think we all took that medicine so we all forgot how to bowl. Yes. We all got to learn. What's bowling? You guys all want to do it? Yes. You can't just bowl by yourself. It's bowling a team. I read a book called Bowling Alone that said it's not a good idea. I'm...

Fuck. There are two ways to figure out how good you are at bowling. There's the Freddy way, and then there's the other way. I'm not explaining a single other fucking thing, but the Freddy way involves playing the Switch. Do you guys want to play the Switch? I want to play the Switch. Okay. I want to play the Switch. I'm not playing the Switch, just so you know. What are you doing? I just want to know what the other thing is. Oh, okay. The other thing is I give you a number. I'll play the Switch. All right. So here's how we're going to do this.

I asked Matt to bring his Switch and download Wii Sports Resort. Or what is it? No, Nintendo Switch Sports. Yes. Which has a bowling game on it. But it's not Wii Bowling. It's not Wii Bowling. Okay. It's a new one. It's a new one. Yeah. Or it's not new now. It probably came out. The Joy-Cons are different than the Wii Remote. So here's what we're going to do. Everybody is going to get to roll two frames. One to warm up and then one for your official score. Depending on how well you do on that frame...

I'm going to give you a number of dice that you are going to roll in the bowling mini game we have coming up. Okay. Okay. It's an assessment. Is that bowling mini game also on the switch? No, that bowling mini game is rolling dice while playing call of duty on

On the Switch 2. Do you guys want to fire it up and fucking go? Yes. Fire it up, baby. Then let's play Nintendo Switch. Wait, where are we playing? Let's roll. Is this on the airplane? This is just me as the DM assassin. In the meta space. We're in the metaverse right now. We're in Mark Zuckerberg's metaverse, understanding how good everybody is at bowling. God, everything's ugly as fuck here. Why are their heads floating?

Okay, we've now moved over to the other part of the room where we're all gathered around the TV we have on the floor. I see three, no, four eager bowlers lined up to test their mettle. First up is Anthony Burch as Francis Farnsworth. He's now going into his practice round. Anthony, how are you feeling? Pretty confident. I was great at Wii Bowling. Oh, wow. Show us how it's done, Francis.

And he's going in and... It's just warming up. All right. This is warming up. Just warming up. He's knocked down seven pins. Good form. We'll see if he can pick up the spare. He's aiming. He's going in. He's rolling. And...

Oh, it's a spare. Now, Anthony, would you like to take the spare as your final score, or would you like to go for a strike? I'll go for a strike. Oh, hell yeah. Francis, hell yeah. All right, Anthony has now passed his warm-up round. He's going in for another roll to determine what his score will be in the bowling minigame we're going to play later. The windup. He's going down the lane. Ooh, another seven. Pretty much the exact same thing. Consistency. Yeah, it's good. All right, let's see if the boy can lock in.

So Francis has scored a nine for his bowling aptitude. Trudy, you want to do it? Sure. You got it. I mean, sure. Trudy slash Beth is lining up for a shot. Beth, how are you feeling going into this? Shaken, man. Wait, Beth, wait. You have to attach the Wiimote to your wrist. Oh.

Damn it. A split. It's okay. It's just a lock. This is your warm-up round. This is your warm-up round. Okay. I do have to strongly urge all of our bowlers to use the wrist straps so that they can safely use the Joy-Con without hurting someone. The girl who screams is not a bunch of nerds. Matt, can you imagine how you would react if your brand new variable RCD got stuck? It's not my TV. All right, Beth. You got it. Beth is going in. Second round. Warm-up.

What? I let go. Don't let go. Don't let go. Don't let go, Jack. You know what we always say. Hang on to the ball as long as possible. That's just a warm-up. Good job, Trudy. That was your warm-up. All right. Nine pins. You can only go up. No, you can go down. No, not her. Not Trudy. All right. All right. Beth's going in for her official role. We'll see how she does. Link, you're watching all this, right? Yes. The tension is palpable. Here we go. The wind-up. That's it. That's it.

- It's not split though. - Six pins. - Yeah, you got it. - Six, we've got four left standing. Can Beth knock them down and get her better score than Frances? We'll see. - We're a team, all of our scores count. - Damn it, eight! - An eight! - It's okay, Trudy. - Devastating.

It would have been worse. Shut up, Will. It would have been worse. Shut the fuck up, Will. Okay. Matthew Arnold, who owns the game, I might say. This is Matt's game. This is Matt's game. I don't play this in forever. He's coming from the angle. He's coming from the ideal angle. Matt's coming in from a very different approach than everybody else. That looks great. That looks pretty good. Oh, but Wii Sports Bowling is a harsh mistress. Eight pins. Just lock it in.

He's just locking in. Let's see if he can pick it off. Ooh, he's going straight down. He's not doing it across the lane. He's going straight for it. We'll see if he can get these last two pins out on the left side. The roll. You got it. That's what I'm fucking talking about. A spare for Matthew. No matter, you're going to lock in or you're going for the strike. Oh, did I get a strike? No, you didn't. Okay, then I'm going again. All right, here we go. This is the official roll. Don't choke. The windup. And she's down.

There's the strike, ladies and gentlemen! Kelsey with the perfect roll! Woo, that was fun! Blake! Come on, Blake, you can do it! Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I have watched you all do it. Now I feel fairly confident that I know how to do it. All right, Freddie's going in. He's lobbed the ball. Oh, it's this way, I see.

Well, that's not too shabby. Another eight. Now, Blake, don't mess this up for us. We do this, we never have to pay taxes. He's training. This is still his training frame. Yeah. No, he's doing great. This is for your first one. Woo! And another spare. I think I have a good hang of it. Are you going to take it? No, you're going to... This sport is so interesting. You just throw. Who do you think you are? I am. Who do you think you are? I am. Here he goes. We've got our official roll. Let's go, Blake. Just straight on, huh?

No, I'm- Straight on, huh? After the fucking lesson he just got you. Kelsey, I would appreciate you not talking in my ear. Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right. Oh, that's great! Blake, welcome to the team! Wow! Freddie Wong, Blake Lively, a natural, his first time at the role. Wow. Okay. I mean, no shame on Tony, but can you imagine if Blake was on our team from the beginning? Ha ha ha ha!

So, Freddy cut out the part where I actually noted that the game... I don't know. I'm just pointing out what I noticed. What is that? Sorry, what is that? That was Switch. Nintendo Switch. So, yes, we just got done playing. Wii Sports Resort? No, Nintendo Switch Sports. And Beth has raised a technical objection, which I will now entertain before rendering my verdict. I think...

I think that the remote was set to a right-handed bowler. And that when I bowled with my left hand, I was at an automatic disadvantage that I was unaware of.

Until I thought about it. Let me deliberate. The court finds in Will's favor. I think that... The proper time to raise this objection was before you rolled. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I'm at an accessibility blog here. They're talking about how there is a primary hand setting in every sport. That may very well be. But the fact was that this issue was not raised at the time of the roll. And she had one round to test out. You already had one round. They would be unfair for everyone else. Unless I'm going to give everybody else another round right now. No, no, no.

I get it. Listen, I get it. I get that it's hard to think about accessibility requirements. And so sometimes like it's more convenient to not think about that. I think Beth is a woman. So intersectionality comes into play as well. No, we're doing it. We're doing it. I'm not going to be accused of being ableist on our podcast. Beth, re-roll. However, you get one shot.

In the words of Eminem's 8 Mile, you only get one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime. And then can whoever's editing this put when I got the strike into right now? All right, we're going back to the mines.

Hi, this is Will Campos reporting live from Beth's microphone. She's now about to take her second attempt at bowling with the new readjusted hand settings for her frame. We'll see if this brings her up into the top bracket with the rest of the team. You make me look like Beth. She's changed to Father Mysterious is her name for some reason that I don't understand.

We're doing quite a lot of facial customization, which seems not germane to the adventure. Oh, Beth is now in a fetching red tracksuit. You could change your hair to blonde, surely, at the very least. We've gone into the face and hairstyle modes. We've really lost the plot here, I think. That's Beth. That's Beth. That's a Beth. More of a mousy brown. And here we go. The wrist strap does fit on your left hand as well. There we go. Now we've got a safe gamer. We're about to start the match. We wait with bated breath.

Beth is going to have to do better than an eight for us to not make fun of her. Beth's locking in. The tension in the air is palpable. She's going for her roll. It is a nine. We'll see if she can pick up the spare. Still better than an eight. That was so goddamn close. That should have been a strike. That should have been a strike. It's okay. That should have been a strike. True, that's great. I'm so sorry that we didn't. He's not.

That's right. I forgot trees locked in. Beth's really zeroing in. She's taking her time here. Her whole life has come down to this role. And she's clinched the spare, ladies and gentlemen. Beth, how do you feel? I feel great. Wow. Now Francis did the worst. Yeah, that's me. Okay.

Guys, I've never seen that so intense as a gamer. Listen, I just want to say thanks, Will, because, you know, I know sometimes it's easier to gloss over stuff like that. Maybe not pay attention to that, but, you know. That was really strong of you to admit when you're wrong. That's the hard thing is we all make mistakes. Beth, I appreciate you calling me in and holding me accountable to make sure that we did that the right way.

So here's what this all means. When we do our little bowling minigame later, the details of which will be revealed when that happens. You're getting two bowling minigames this episode. This is so good. And one of them is the switch and the other one is dice. And the other one is dice. Two seasons ago, we got five framers. Now, if you thought listening to people play video games was interesting, wait till you hear them rolling dice. So here's how this is going to work. You each are going to get a certain number of D tens that you're going to be rolling based on how you guys did just there. So who,

Who got the strikes? I did. Kelsey did. Blake and Kelsey, you are my superstar rollers. You guys are going to get five D10s to roll with. Wow. So write that down. Five. I can't remember five. Trudy picked up a spare. Okay. So she's going to get four D10s to roll with. Hmm.

And Francis with his nine is going to get three D10s to roll. Why was it you got like a six? You just keep going down. So one's the floor. I see. So like seven or below. Okay. Okay. So that is how good you guys are at bowling. So now we pull out of the metaverse. This was all taking place in Blake's mind as he's assessing everybody's skill levels. And as you think back on how good you are at bowling, Blake, what do you have to say for yourself?

I should have started on this sport earlier. I appear to be what they call a natural. You are never too late to start. And now you're part of the team. You're part of our team. Don't listen to any other team. You stay with this. This is where we should lock them down. Ha!

We should lock him down, Trudy. Yeah. Francis, write it up. I'll make up an offer. Okay. So this is all happening as you are whisked away in the discreet British car of our discreet British spy, Ebenezer White, and he drives you for a couple hours outside of town. So you find yourself- Oh, we're going to drive for a couple hours. Can we stay in our dormobile? Sure, you guys can take the dormobile if you want. Okay, great. All right, yes, you're all driving the dormobile. Would you like a cup of tea? An American cup of tea, sir? I'd rather-

Die. Okay. We made it in the microwave. He's going to take 1d6 of sanity damage. Fuck me, I guess. I'll take it, Blake. No, no.

Oh. Oh, fine. I just feel weird. We offered guest hospitality and now he's shitting on us. They're British. Who's British? Who's like that? He directs you to like a big old cornfield in the middle of nowhere. And you're like, but this is a cornfield. And he's like, just keep driving. Yeah. You realize that like in the middle of the cornfield, it's a road, but it's painted to look like corn from above. So like it would look like corn normally, but you're actually just driving straight on a road. It's so freaky. Everybody look. Look outside. It looks like I'm driving on corn. Yeah.

But, as you can tell, because we're not hitting anything, it's just a road. Who did this? This is courtesy of your taxpayer dollars. This is one of those many roads you wish you weren't paying for. Well, I'll tell you what. I'm not paying for this road anymore. Again, I cannot stress this enough. I have no ability to determine whether you pay taxes in the future. We should make a poster of Kelsey that's like the Armageddon poster that just says, Kelsey, she's in it for love. In the same way you believe in us being able to get this done, I believe in you being able to get what we request to get done.

I trust you. You have my word that I will try. Francis, it just feels like you're staying up front, so I'm just talking to you about this. It just feels like teachers don't get paid enough as it is. I agree with that. I just feel like I am what taxes should pay for. Honestly, yeah. You're like a roach.

Yes. Thank you. That's all. It's not that I don't want to. I just feel like I'm doing my part. I agree. Government agencies don't have to pay taxes, so why should teachers? Okay. Okay. I just felt like maybe I don't want to be selfish. Like, I want to help people. That's not extreme. No, that's fair. I just, you know. We all need to pay our fair share to ensure the experiment works.

they get into the concept of like a flat tax and maybe someone brings up the idea that's like, well, when you're rich, you don't buy like 10 more TVs. And then Blake goes, well, actually I have found that I do enjoy buying multiple TVs. But Mr. Lively, you have all those people on staff. You're a job creator. You should have to pay less taxes than anybody. Hey, that's a good point. I got a Girl Scout merit badge in

Creative bookkeeping. I'll take a look at your book sometimes. I bet we can save you a bundle of money. And you have three houses? That's tax shelters right there. You have fire insurance on the one that burned down, right? Of course. Okay, we can work with that. So you see these floodlights blast onto the cornfield, revealing a massive secret airstrip. And on this airstrip is a Boeing C-97 Stratofreighter. I knew I was going to hear the frantic sound of Freddy Googling the second I said that. Whoa!

A massive airplane capable of intercontinental flight. Which plane is this? Refueled by its, well, that's the Boeing C-97 Stratofreighter, Ms. Grammar. No, not what plane? Like, is this Britain's? Is this? Again, courtesy of the United States government. Your tax dollars at work, Ms. Grammar. Oh. I'm not going to be paying for this plane anytime soon. No.

This plane looks like a Muppet. It looks like a Muppet. It looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets if he was a huge plane. The cargo door drops down. We'll say he pulls the Bedford Dormobile in if you guys would like to have the Dormobile in the plane. He pulls it right in and the plane rumbles to life and takes off. Your journey to Russia begins. Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Rocket Money. Take off to

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Okay, so you have 12 hours on the plane. I figure this is enough time for two actions, if you would like to have a morning action and an afternoon action. That's to have a healthy bowel. Here's what I was thinking. You guys can choose to use your actions however you wish on this plane. You can try to lock in on your bowling a little bit more.

whether that's visualizing in your mind or whatever. What could we possibly get from that if we already got a strike? You can justify to me how you would train for bowling and you roll for it and you succeed. You will get an extra dice to roll with because you'll have boosted your game a little bit. You can also use this time to rest if you want to heal up some health points. So you could do a double heal. You could do a heal and a rest. Francis mentioned wanting to talk to the Lithuanian team. That would maybe give you an advantage on disengaging

deception rolls you might have to make later in the adventure, that kind of thing. So I leave it up to you. You're now rumbling along across the Bering Strait at a cruising altitude and the floor is yours. I got to heal. You want to all just sleep first and then maybe we talk to the Lithuanians? Ah, the drone of the plane makes me sleepy. I'm actually doing okay. I guess I'll practice bowling while you guys sleep. Okay, yeah, I'm going to rest too. Okay, so you're going to rest. So everyone's resting.

Because it's a new day, you'll already recover one HP. And so with this next rest, I will let you recover an additional HP. Two HP? Why, they're handing them out like Christmas. Francis, what are you going to do on this plane to try to train a bowling? I'm going to look in. This looks like a big-ass plane, which means it probably has like a galley of some sort. What is a galley? Like a kitchen. Sure, yeah. So I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to find as many bottles of pretty much anything. Let's say Coca-Cola, maybe. Okay. And I'm going to drink those, obviously.

Yum, yum. Then I'm going to put them all together, and then I'm going to find the heaviest... 10 Cokes later. 10 Cokes later. I filled one of them with pee, just in case. And I take the biggest head of lettuce I can find. Okay. And I'm going to use that as a simulacrum bowling ball. That's clever. I like that. Now, how are you and Brunhilde doing? I figure, like, maybe in-universe, the reason you're a little off your game is you're 12 hours fresh off of an amputated leg. Are you and Brunhilde working out your strategy at all? Like, what's going on? Brunhilde... Yas. Yas.

I have a strong suspicion that things are not going to go awesome in Russia. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So I think, again, I don't need the freebie yet because I haven't used my one free shot. I would just, you know, remember the Russians helped defeat Hitler. So if I kill like a random Russian, that's probably an innocent person. So you should be psyched. We've allowed

We'll have to see when the moment arrives. I have to be very clear about something. I'm very pro-killing innocent people, but beyond that, I have no ideology. I'm just pro-murder. No, that's kind of an ideology. I don't want to get into politics is all I'm saying. I'm just pro-killing people. Okay, yeah, yeah. People say they don't want to get into politics, always have a pretty clear political view. No, I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems like you're being a little sarcastic with me, yeah? Sounds like you're being a little libertarian. Well, this is a good philosophy as a libertarian. Okay, there we go.

They don't pay the taxes, I think. You guys were just discussing the merits. I had many things to say about the merits of tax policy, but no one asked Brunhilde what she thinks. Nope. Do you want to know what I think about tax policy? No, I know everything I need to know. You said libertarian. Do you pay taxes? Who says that?

If anyone asks, just because I don't pay it as the taxes does not mean I cannot have an opinion on the taxes. I think the taxes are too high for the services rendered. And I think that many of the things that the government spends its money on is not so good. It's a good thing I'm the one with the vote. Well, shit.

Gotcha! Strike! While that's going on, Kelsey. Yes? You have a dream. Oh, man. You wake up back in Zuzel's sexy mansion. You hear a spooky harpsichord once again playing downstairs. All right, come up to me. Zuzel! Yes. Okay, you brought me here. You hear from far away downstairs. Yeah. Come to me, Kelsey. Zuzel.

I think I'm going to stand my ground on this one. You brought me here. You can come to me. Fine. I don't need to watch you play piano. You hear a piano bench crunch, and then you hear some stomping, and then Zuzo comes into the room and tries his best to pose dramatically with a candelabra. Kelsey's already posed dramatically. She got one up on him. Describe Kelsey's dramatic pose to me.

Remember, you're in a billowy nightgown as a woman with great hair might flee a gothic mansion on the cover of a ballpark. She's looking at like any of like the weird like gothic statues he's got. And there's like, you know, creepy looking like kind of vampire thing. And she's kind of like leaned up against it in like a similar pose as that vampire thing. Zuzel is, despite himself, momentarily taken aback. Yeah. So what do you want? Kelsey. Hmm.

And he sets the candelabra down and goes to brood by the window. He says, I know what you saw. Zuzel knows. Look at me when you're talking to me. He turns dramatically to you. The moonlight twinkles in his eye. And he says, I know what you saw there, Kelsey. Yeah.

Okay, you know. So you know. Now you know. I've been waiting for you to see with your own eyes. Yeah, I wanted to... The fate that will befall your world if the powers that be are stopped. But you're going to destroy the world too, right? I am going to. My... I'm going to destroy...

Part of the world. What part? The part that you're from, Peachyville. To save the world. Don't you understand, Kelsey? No, I get it. I get that. The world. Kelsey, do you know how gods are made? No. Of course you don't. That's a rhetorical question. My mom never gave me that talk. How are gods made? Gods are made when the powers that be...

descend into a universe. And you see, your world, it's all about scale. You are but a speck on an egg, a fertile egg, waiting to grow into something monstrous and horrific.

The Earth is the spec. Wait, the egg is going to grow monstrous. And the Earth is like an is like this egg. He magically produces an egg. Well, it's more like a womb. The Earth is like an egg. The universe is like a womb. And the powers that be the hour of the whole. They're like what the man does to the egg.

Okay. They fertilize the earth. Yes. They will turn it into something putrid and horrifying that will grow and grow and grow and consume this entire corner of reality. And thus, a new God shall be born, causing the pain and destruction of every soul in reality itself. Yeah. There's only one thing that can stop them, Kelsey. Me.

You're the only thing? I'm the only thing that's done it so far. So you've done this before. I've done this before, and I've stopped them many times. You're going to destroy Peachyville to stop the powers that be. My vessel, when I come into your world, in not that way, but in the way of me being summoned into the Seed Bearer, this ritual causes destruction. It causes pain. It requires the sacrifice of many souls, but it is the only way I know of to stop the powers that be.

I just ask you to wrestle with that, to ponder the significance of that, Kelsey. Okay. I require the help of mortals like you. No, you're not the first person who said you got to kill a bunch of people to save more people. I get your justification for it. But so just to understand, it's not like the land. Like I was, I was thinking like, Oh, maybe just ask him to like, you know, do whatever he's going to do out in the ocean. Then, you know, I would be sad about the fish, but it sounds like,

You need people's souls. You're going to kill a lot of people in order to save the whole world, but you just don't know there's another way of doing it yet. You haven't found it out. Have you looked? Are you just playing piano all the time?

Do you have any research? You've got all the books in the universe. Do you think I leave them unread, Kelsey? Do you think if there was a better way, I would not use the better way? Alas, I cannot. I cannot think of anything. Well, we're going to have to find a better way because I'm not going to let you kill a bunch of people. It is to save more people. Very well, Kelsey. Can I talk to my friends about you now? Feels like we've been doing this long enough that it would be nice to talk about you with my friends.

You can always hear that little stinking Matt's voice when it's Matt talking through the character. Very well, Kelsey. But know this. There will come a moment when you need to choose and you need to ask yourself if you have the courage to make a hard decision. And that moment is coming soon. And then he blows out the candles and you wake up before you can say anything cool back to him.

So many things I was going to say. Ain't that just the way? Ain't that just the way? You wake up. It's now the afternoon. You have one more prep phase. You're now like over Uzbekistan. I go and I say, everybody, I've been meeting with Zuzel. Can I say it? Yeah. It worked. I can talk about it now. The thing we're trying to kill? Zuzel. What?

What? I've been wanting to tell you for so long, but he put some curse on me. I couldn't talk about it. I've been seeing him. Like going steady? No, I don't think he's ready for that. Wait, that's a weird. No, I don't think he's like he's a thing. I'm ready for it if you are, Kelsey. He's like a god. He's strange, but he's been seeing me in my dreams and he says he's the only one that can stop

the powers that be which is great right we want to stop the end of the world i sense a butt coming yeah but the way he says here it is the only way he can do it he needs a lot of souls and i guess it's gonna be peachyville he didn't say but i think it's like all of peachyville so whatever that right and like jesus and i was thinking i know first question i was like oh maybe not at peachyville maybe in the ocean maybe but fish souls don't count i don't think and they don't have souls oh

The good book tells us that. Regardless, he's going to kill a lot of people. You have been communicating with an eldritch horror who says that we need... And you don't think it's like the radio. But you heard... You hear? No, it's different. No, it's... This is different. I think it's... Yeah. It's different. This is different because this is in my dreams. Oh! And I can talk to it back... No, this is different.

This is different because Zuzel's in my head and I'm talking to Zuzel and the radio doesn't, the radio's not going to stop the powers that be. But it is weird. This is also weird. There's a lot of weird things going on. But anyways, I just, I feel really bad because, you know, I always want to tell you guys everything. It's just, again, I couldn't say anything because it was in my head. Well, I'm sorry you've been carrying this and dealing with this, Kelsey. Sorry.

It's okay. This seems like a lot. Yeah, I'm mostly worried. It's not acceptable to kill all of Peachyville to save the world. I don't believe that's the answer. But he says that's the only way to do it. Well, we will find another way. Yes. Okay. I'm just worried that if we kill Zuzel or stop Zuzel. Francis, when you said sure like that, it made me think that maybe you weren't sure. No, I want to find another way. Don't get me wrong. I definitely do. But, like, if it comes down to it, we can't find another way. But we will. Okay. Okay.

Listen to the boy, Kelsey. He speaks the truth. He's talking to me now and he agrees with you, Francis. Oh, I don't know that. Yeah. This is what's been happening a lot, but it's really refreshing that I can tell you all that. By the way, I know Radio Rick. And I can hear him because I am an ally, Kelsey. Kelsey, why did you just gasp out of nowhere? Kelsey, what is he saying? You don't want to know, Trudy? No!

Oh my goodness. Wait, so the Bisons, are they on Zuzel's side or not? Because they have a machine that can kill him. The Bisons want to bring about Zuzel. Yes, they do. Yeah. So that's the thing. It's like, yes, the Bisons are bad because they want to kill Peachyville. But now we know what they're trying to do is they're trying to bring up Zuzel to kill the powers that be. He's like a big warrior thing. Okay. I think I hate them enough. I can coast on that. I hate them enough that I'm not going to let them do their thing no matter what. Yes. I don't think it's not right to kill a whole bunch of people. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. I know. Even if it's to save the world, I mean, I don't know. It's a tough question. Just like, do you want to live in a world where the only way to save the world is to kill a whole bunch of innocent people? Oh, definitely not. Speaking of someone who kills a whole bunch of people all the time to save the world, I think the Zuzel chap sounds like he's got quite the right idea. Oh, okay. Why don't you go talk to him in his sexy lair with his piano? You had sex with him? I said sexy lair. I didn't say I had sex with him. Okay. He plays the piano? He plays the piano very good. Oh, okay.

You're all so hot for piano players. Who's not? That Liberace, va-va-voom! That man plays the piano. Yeah, if only he weren't on the girls exclusively. Okay.

Man, Anthony with the Liberace jokes. Been holding that in my pocket for five years. All right, another action, right? Yes, you hear the pilot speaking to Ebenezer White and Yaroslava Baranova, and she's like, we are approaching the drop zone. Prepare yourselves. You have time to do possibly one more important action. Wait, hold on. Drop zone? Oh, wait, drop zone.

Did we not mention that this is a new information? Excuse me, this is a new information. Yes, you will be airdropped 50 miles from Persicovo Grad, whereupon our driver will meet you at the local road, and you shall take the road into Persicovo Grad. You're going to drop us? We're going to airdrop you.

How? Like we're going to jump out of the parachute? Yes. You're not going to jump out of the parachute. You're going to jump out of the plane. I want to spend my action to figure out a way to, like, Fast and Furious put a parachute on our door mobile so we have our door mobile down there so we don't have to walk around in the snow. With American plates. Yeah. You want to... We're going to be out in the snow. We don't want to be walking around in the snow. You just said that the driver would pick us up.

What if he doesn't? Then we all freeze to death. I like that idea. You like freezing to death? No, no. I like that justification for what you're going to do. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You wish to airdrop this car into Soviet Russia. Yeah.

Okay. And you've installed this head seat belt, so that'll definitely help us. Oh my God, is Ross still in the car? Where is Ross? Oh, we never even touched on that. Back at Dr. Dogs, I think. We cut back to Dr. Dogs, and Milton is holding his mom's hand, and she's better, but she's asleep because it's been an ordeal. And Milton's not here? This is great. No, we didn't bring Milton. And Bebe's not with us either, right? No, no, the kids are not with you. They're not part of the Lithuanian bowling team. There's only four people on the team. Oh yeah, I guess we could also talk about the Lithuanians. That's what I was going to do.

Let's talk to the Lithuanians. Get some intel. Sorry, I do wonder where Marbles is. We have no idea where Marbles is. What do you mean you have no idea? He's probably in a farm upstate. You told her he was dead, right? That was the last we did was you guys were all lying to Trudy and pretending that Marbles was dead. I know that.

No, that's not what happened. And Marbles died with hate in his heart. No, that's not. No, no, no. He's a liar. We just didn't want you to get distracted. We don't know what happened to him. Beth, give me a hard listen roll. I fail. You failed. You don't hear anything. Okay. I will say if all of you want to use your action, you can rig up the Bedford Dormobile with all your parachutes and gerrymander some sort of car parachute. I think Francis is right. They already have a car down there. And I think since we have to pretend to be Lithuanian and I know literally nothing about, I didn't even know it was in Russia. Yeah, I don't.

know. Or part of Russia? That probably offended somebody. I don't even know. And this is Kelsey talking. Matt's respectful and knows a lot about Lithuania. Kelsey doesn't know.

What are Matt's favorite facts about Lithuania? Give me like two. Hey, get away from the computer. Put your hands up. Hands up. You can say whatever you want because all this is going to be edited out. Hands up, Matt. Matt's talking, looking at his computer. Matt's looking at his computer. He's using the internet. He's not a real Lithuanian stan. He's a liar. He's a liar. Lithuanian stan is another country. You, sir, are no Lithuanian. Lithuanian stan is another country. That's really mean. Thank you, Beth. My favorite part about Lithuania is that it's a hotbed for linguists.

And I have dated more than a couple of linguists. Yes. A couple of cunning linguists. Oh, you know. You know. And more than 80% of the country's 3.8 billion people speaks Lithuanian? I would have thought it would have been more than that since that is the country. Yeah.

I guess when he got a lot of linguists there. The radio comms officer and Ebenezer White doodle some dials. They get on a secret channel that puts you through to the Lithuanian bowling team who are hiding out at a safe house on the border of Lithuania and the country that it borders. Interesting. Wow.

And you hear like, oh, it's like that one of those ones where the guy's got like the one ear up to the thing. And he's like, all right, you're now on with the Lithuanians. Go ahead. Hello? You're a woman, the one with the mic so you can translate? I think we can all hear this radio. We can hear this? Yes, men can hear Lithuanians as well. Oh, thank God. And are you speaking English? Ebenezer White's like,

One more thing I forgot to mention, and he pulls out, he's got these little sci-fi doodads. He says, put these in your ear. Oh, okay. Yes. This is top secret spy technology to make it so that you can understand Russian and speak in Russian. Don't ask how they work. It's very, very, it's a little alien. It's a little non-Euclidean. Just put it in your ear and think of England.

Do Lithuanians speak Russian? Because it sounds like 80% of them speak Lithuanian. I think they speak Russian. Many do as a second language. You figure in the 50s probably more. This is a specific device engineered to let you speak Russian and Lithuanian. Oh, hell yeah. It's all the Slavic language. No, it's just Russian and Lithuanian. So he hands these little earbuds out to you. Do you guys put the things in? Yeah. When you put them in, you hear like a tiny little alien leprechaun.

kind of guy. There's basically a very, very, very small alien trapped in each one of these devices. And at first they're like, please don't get me out of here. Help, help, help, help, help. Okay. But then like a little button gets pushed on and then you hear like a, and now they're in some sort of mind prison where they're forced to translate everything. I'm going to break mine open. Yeah, what? This is horrible. Do you want to speak with the way

No, not even meat. There's a creature in here. What are you doing to us? I can pretend to be mute or whatever. I have no problem with the suffering of creatures as I eat meat. Then you'll talk for us, I guess. Francis breaks his open. Do you break yours open as well? Yeah. All right. The tiny little aliens immediately die because they don't breathe oxygen. Oh. Oh, no. I'm getting...

All right, do you have any spares? No, that was it, unfortunately. Okay, well, at least I put him out of his misery. That was it? That's true. The last thing you hear the alien say is just this tiny little alien. It looks like the little guy in Men in Black. Yeah. Like the little guy that's in the old Polish pilot. And he's like, thank you. Oh, he was thankful. Maybe I should bring him. I mean, yeah. It's up to you. It's up to you. It's everybody's personal decision. No, I'm not.

Blake's going to keep his in no matter what. Okay. And we know how good Blake is at talking to people. Yeah, so we're going to stop. We'll just be quiet and listen. They say I have the gift of gab. Beth, do you want to mercy kill your alien translator? I do. Or just keep it in your pocket. Don't break it open. Just keep the earpiece in your pocket. He's tortured but out of sight. No, because it's only torture. It sounds like it's tortured when they're turned on. But then he'd be talking to me. He could feed it.

Put a little of the snacks in your pocket. He can't breathe oxygen, but he loves Doritos. Here, Trudy, if you don't want to take care of it, I'll take care of it if you don't want to take care of it. I'll take care of it? Are you going to take care of it? If I knew it was going to die when I opened it, I wouldn't have opened it up. I would have just kept it alive. So what you're saying is that suffering is okay as long as it benefits you in some way. We don't know if it's suffering. He literally said thank you as I killed it. True.

Let's ask it. Let's ask it. I was like, well, well, well, it seems like you're already wrestling this sort of ethical dilemmas of putting suffering in one individual visa be the salvation of another. Let's just ask if I'd rather live in my pocket. I killed an alien. I'm sorry. I just, I made a strong decision. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm being such a, such a fuck. No, I wanted to live. I was really depressed. Oh no.

All right. So none of you can talk to the Lithuanians other than Blake. Yes. So, Blake, you're now on with the Lithuanians. Hello, Lithuanians. Hello? Who is this? It is I, Blake Lively. Blake Lively, you are speaking to the captain of the Lithuanian bowling team. It is I, Misha Barton. That's good. That's really good. That's good. He says his name is Misha Barton. Oh.

Do we have any questions, team? I was thinking we could at least each of us use like a fact that's specific to one of them so we can know exactly which one we're pretending to be and prove it with the weird fact about each of the person. Please give four. Like a dad fact. Like the facts though they give us, we have to be able to express them without speaking about it.

Because the three of us can't speak. Or you have to remember all four of them. Yeah. But it'd be nice if we have like a little fun, like, you know, physical thing. Nisha, give me one second. I'm trying to figure something out on this end. Take all the time you need. I shall talk to my teammates. We need just something fun, physical. Got it.

Okay. Misha, as you know, we are impersonating your team. Yes. Are there two boys and two girls? Because that is what we have on our team. Oh, yes. Yes, actually. Yes. Oh, that works out with a relief. Now I need from you...

four specific non-verbal fun things, facts, if you will, or mannerisms about your team so that we may ape you properly. Four? I see. You need four facts about me and my teammates so that you can perform the role of being all of us. One fact per person, please.

Well, our striker, not striker, our best bowler. Her striker. She is a powerful wrestler back in home country. Okay. Her name is Sasha Banks. Sasha Banks. Your name is Sasha Banks and you are a powerful wrestler. Okay, I can do that. So do with that information what you will. Okay, go on. Our oldest bowler, she has many jobs before becoming recreational bowling league bowler.

One of these jobs, she was nanny. She'd take care of baby. Her name was Fran Drescher. Fran. So she's the oldest one? Oh, should I be? I guess I should be the nanny. Yeah, I don't know. I think I should be like the... You'd be the wrestler? Yeah. Okay, you're the wrestler. I'll be the nanny. Fran Drescher. And then you are... Sasha Banks. Sasha Banks. Sasha Banks. And our youngest bowler, he is very bright boy. He's very talented. Read many books. He's talented actor in home country. Many versatile roles. His name is Alexis Bledel. Oh my God.

God, that's really good. Holy shit. Francis, that seems like the fit for you. I feel way cuter all of a sudden. One more, please. This is for you, yes? Yes. This is for the man. Well, describe your physique to me. Well, I am tall. Yes. Well built. Interesting. I am plumber.

Your plumber. Yes. This is not part of your physique. I do not... I consider it as part of my physique because it means I have a strong lower back. I as well have a strong lower back, friend. Okay, but... It sounds like you and I, if we had met in different times, could have been friends. So I will share with you most personal fact about I, Misha Barton, that you can use.

Did you say beets? Sorry, did you say beets? Ah, very good, very good. Problem, everybody. This guy likes beet soup. I am allergic to beets.

Okay, well, just you don't need to eat it to prove that you like it. Just say you like it. Just take a sniff and go, mm-mm. Very good. I don't think they're going to just like have beet soup. It would be pretty strange if the guards just had beet soup and they forced you to eat it. If it's also their national dish, it feels like most people like it.

So it seems pretty strange that the way you would separate it out if somebody is just checking. They'd be like, hey, are you cussing or eating a burger? Crucialist. I hear dissent amongst your ranks. What is the concern? You can say that you're full. Yeah, I think you're good. I think I can work with this fact. Or you can say you have stomach problems. You just leave midway through. Yeah, how allergic? Ah.

Ah, very bad. Okay. I turn red as a beet. Ironic, given the nature of the allergy. So just turn red. I turn red because I cannot breathe. Okay. Oh. You could just tell him that you developed an allergy.

Ah, yes. We have many options available to us. Okay, is this all we wanted to know about the bowling team? It's good for me. Okay. Okay, bye-bye. We just went up, up, up, and then it cuts out. You're flying in low under Soviet radar. We're supposed to be airdropped, though. Yes, that's right. I did my research. You're flying in a scant 200 feet above the hard deck, above the ground.

snow-bitten tundra, the biting cold. You hear the pilot say, We're approaching the drop zone, sir! Ebenezer and Yaroslava press buttons on the side of the plane, and you hear those fucking sirens are going. It's just like the beginning of a Call of Duty game, right? Where it's like you're gonna fucking paradrop in. The door slams shut, and they start handing each of you parachutes to put on. We all need codenames. I am so...

Soup McDavish. Soup McDavish. All right, here are your code names for the mission. You, boy. You are Soap. You, Soup. You. What was the third thing I said? Master Chief. You shall be Master Chief. And you, Trudy, shall be, um,

Lady Hanger. Lady Hanger. Though you also have, now remember, this is just your code name for the mission. You also have your name that you need to remember. For the love of God, don't forget your Lithuanian name. They'll shoot you on sight. They're very suspicious. Okay. What was mine? Anybody remember? You are... You were Fran Jesher. Fran Jesher. Fran Jesher, Sasha Banks, Misha Barton, Alexis Bledel. He clips you into, this is like one of those, because sometimes you've got to pull the chute. This is one of those ones where you're clipped into a little line and you jump out. This

It's very simple. Gravity does 99.9% of the work. All you need to do is make sure you don't break an ankle or break an arm on the way out. Here we go. Good luck. God save the queen. And Pip-Pip, Bob's your uncle. He shoves Francis, you, out the door. And your parachute goes off. Oh, my God. Francis didn't get to, but do each of you want to say something fun before you jump out? I just get my black widow suit on.

And then I jump. Is it Halo 2? What's the one that starts with Master Chief like flying through space? I don't know. I can't remember. But I'm doing that. I just, you know. Master Chief who doesn't, does Master Chief talk? Yes. But you just don't see his face. Yeah, he talks like this the whole time. He's even in a TV show and you see his face and he talks. Damn, Cortana. I wait for the two cameramen, the one cameraman who is filming me for Mission Impossible and the cameraman that is filming that cameraman.

to come out with me out of the plane and film me falling. It took Beth months to rehearse this low altitude jump for this episode of the podcast. But she really did it. I really do. Blake, you're the last one in line. I go, whoopee. So you all plunge out of this plane into the inky black night. The chute deploys successfully, but I do want to roll to see how well you land. So everybody give me a dexterity roll.

I did not succeed. 72. Barely of a success. I fail. 22 out of 57. I super succeeded. Okay, great. Just like Master Chief. So Kelsey somehow lands first. Somehow. Fucking know what I'm doing. She sticks the landing beautifully. Because you got a super success, your parachute just also landed. Cortana, I've landed. Cortana.

So, yes, you land beautifully and radio to the pilot of the airplane, Cortana, who says, great. Blake, you land next. Also, none the worse for wear. We'll say, Trudy, on the way down, you sort of like clomp onto the ground and you sprain your wrist. Ow! So I'm going to need you to go ahead and remove one of your bowling dice. Whoa. That's cool. But what if I sprain my right wrist? Oh, my God.

She has a point. She does have a point, Will. And you know...

It's very easy to just gloss over these requirements. Give me a luck roll. Okay. I did get lawyered. When I get lawyered, I got to admit I got lawyered. You lawyered me. I failed. All right, you sprained your left wrist. Anthony will say that you sprained your ankle, not the Brunhilde ankle. Brunhilde kind of realizes you're coming in for a rough landing, so she manages to exert her willpower over you to swing her leg up so that she doesn't get her barrel jammed straight into a rock, and then you roll your other ankle.

Thanks, asshole. Well, thank you for landing bad. Yeah, you got me there. You are also going to lose one dice. Okay. So you guys are now in the field. Open world, do whatever you want. Open world? Where's Russia? Let's find the driver. They dropped you out with a map and a compass, and you can follow the road north. It's about a 20-minute trek through darkened fields. They flew in low, but it's pretty hard to hide a massive airplane like this. So you do start to see...

planes flying overhead as they're trying to scout but you manage to find the road and after a little bit of waiting a pickup truck pulls up and you see a haggard looking Russian man pulling up to you and as you see him you flash back to the thing I forgot to say which is Ebenezer briefing you now remember when you meet our operative he will address you with the following code phrase he'll look at you and say are you the guys I'm here to meet and

To which you respond, yes, we are. And then we flash back to, this guy pulls up and he says, are you the guys that Mirto meets? Fuck, I don't remember. Yeah, that's us. You guys don't understand him. Yeah, we're here. Yes, we are. And he nods to you, Blake, and motions for you to bring your team inside. Okay. It would probably be best if we don't pretend to be able to speak their language. Oh, yeah, we gotta be quiet. It is I, Sasha Banks. I speak English. What?

It's okay. I am part of a team. I am also a spy. I'm Franz Rescher, and I speak English as well as Lithuanian, but I prefer English right now because I'm trying to learn it.

Because I'm going to study abroad. This is something you plan on telling the KGB when you meet them. I'm just practicing in case something happens. You must admit, friend's accent is spot on. Yes, this is a good American accent. He points to there's like four duffel bags in this truck with you. And he's like, there are your clothes. There are the Lithuanian bowling team clothes. Please find your passports and your bowling equipment. Um, I can't walk. Could somebody carry me?

We're in a car. No, I mean like after we get out of the car and also help me into my clothes. Yeah, I can do that. Okay, cool. I'm supposed to be a nanny. Hey, and I'm an actor. Yeah, I'm doing a documentary. No, no, I'm doing a biopic. And the first time I left rifle foot. Oh, very nice. Blake, can you ask him if he has any like milk?

Ask me if there's milk. Yes. Have you any milk? Fran's accent slipped there.

Of course, every Russian trucker has a big case of milk in car and he opens up a glove compartment and gives you guys four fresh bottles of milk. Just give them all to this gal. Kelsey, you want to carry four bottles of milk? I can't speak and I'm going to have to prove I'm a nanny. Very well. Very well. Yeah. Oh, who's dumb now? Why are you laughing at me? I still don't understand the plan. How to show I'm a nanny.

So they ask what I'm up to. You'll show them four bottles of milk and they'll go, oh, okay. Don't make me laugh. My head hurts. I'm going to. I'm repeating things you're saying back to you. Look, you worry about how you're...

Yes, Francis. You're going to pretend to be an actor that can't speak Lithuanian, okay? You don't be concerned about how I'm going to express that I'm a nanny. I'm trying my best here, Francis. This is a stressful situation. I can't speak the language. We have to pretend to be this bowler. And at least milk is something nannies use. Okay? Okay.

Just has on them at body temperature at all times. Right? Like, you can, it's easy. You can be a wrestler. You're going to be a wrestler. You can just like choke hold somebody and be like, oh, I can't talk. I'm too busy wrestling. Oh. Trudy, can you choke hold somebody? Well, how hard could it be? To not kill them? Difficult. And as you say that, the sun is starting to rise as you crest a hill and you behold below you the town of Persikopograd.

I understand everything.

This is truly a great device. This guy hands your documents to this guard and he looks them over and waves you through. The truck pulls in past the gate and stops and the back doors open. And this rather cheerful looking Russian officer with he's got like pinkish skin. It's kind of peeling a little bit. It looks like he's been getting a lot of sun. He smiles at you and he says, okey dokey, everybody out. Oh, yes. He wants us to get out. What? Why? Who is this? What language is this? Why did you say why?

Why are you talking? What language is this? I'm speaking Lithuanian. My wrestling teammate has a meet in an English-speaking country, and she is practicing. Ignore her. Yes, I am keeping... How do you say it? Okay.

You must be looking through these... He's looking through these... Oh, kaboom, kaboom! Start giving her some milk. Oh, oh, do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh!

Tell them I'm the nanny. Ah, that is, of course, as you can see very plainly, the nanny. Drink the milk, Trevino. You must be Fran Drescher, yeah? Mm-hmm. He hands you your passport. I hand him the milk.

Just the way he just looks at it. Lithuania, very odd country. Yes. And he just kind of puts the milk down. And you must be Sasha Banks. And you two are Misha Barton. Yes. And the young one. What is his name? Alexis Bledel. So he hands you your documents. He has a cold. And then motions you to come out of the van. Oh.

Okay, now that means we need to get out of the van. Yes. I figured that. Okay. Puppies, please. I'll carry you. Thank you. Like a baby. Why is she carrying this one? She is a nanny. That does not explain more. I'm not with the milk. Give him some milk. He is a method actor. I'm an American baby. Yes.

Yes, this propaganda film about how American teenagers are like babies, yes? Ah, yes. I appreciate the dedication to humiliating America. You have figured it out. Yes, I've heard of this film, The Boss Baby. It is about how Eisenhower is a big baby. I'm Eisenhower.

Beware of the military-industrial complex. What a fucking idiot, right? A 95% tax rate will actually make America pretty cool. You hear Brunhilde twitch at you saying that higher taxes would be good. Come here, please. Come, come, come. So he brings you out and he says, Welcome to Persikovograd, Lithuanian bowling team. You are here for tournament, yes? This man shall be your guide. Listen to everything he says. He shall take you to your living quarters. He shall take you to the match. Do not disobey him and stay out of trouble. That's it.

He points to this rather dashing looking Russian officer. He looks vaguely familiar to you guys, but you can't quite put your finger on what it is. And he says, this is something we can roll for. This is like a no roll. We'll say, yes, I failed.

I did not. Okay. Anybody else? Let me try. I got 80 no. I'm too locked in. I won't even try. Oh, I think I do. My no is 65 and I got a 31. 31. I'm going to be stingy. I'm not going to say you can't clock exactly, but this reminds you of an old friend of yours.

Anastasia, so what? He says, this is your guide, Sergeant Kolotov. He will show you to your quarters and make sure you stay out of trouble. And Sergeant Kolotov looks at you and says, Kolotov, could you make me a mocktail? A mocktail? Kolotov, mocktail. God! Yeah.

He narrows his eyes at you and he says, that's really good. That's what I aspire to is, oh, Anthony, the deft alacrity of that word play. Anton Kolotov nods to you and says, come with me, come with me. Yes, come on this way. And he leads you to his little jeep.

And now you get a fun little tour of the town of Persikopograd. Oh, wow. It's just like America, except instead of suburbs. I'm just going to break character and talk about something that I love. I'm obsessed with these buildings in Russia called Khrushchevkas. They tried to solve their homelessness problem by just like absolutely building the shit out of houses. They're like, what's the fastest building we can build? Well, it can't have an elevator because elevators are a pain in the ass. They're like, all right, structurally, the highest building we can build is like two, three stories. And we can just...

pack the shit out of them with rooms. And that's why there's all these big like block buildings in Russia that look the same is because during the 50s and 60s, they would crank these things up. And because Khrushchev was the one who spearheaded it, they were called Khrushchevkas. So you see some Khrushchevkas. And now because we're in a closed city, and this is another real thing, is they had whole Soviet cities that weren't even on the map, like all over the place where they do crazy secret shit all the time.

But like, this is a nice Khrushchevka. The rooms are like, you know, 300 square feet as opposed to like 200 square feet. Like, this is pretty primo. So he's driving you around. He points out the Khrushchevkas. He gives you this lovely history of what they are. And he says, ah, yes, this over here, this is the cultural center. This is where you'll be playing your game. And you see it kind of like those, um,

yurt things that you'd get in school when they're doing renovation. Like it's like a semi-permanent military structure, but this is their recreation center and their cultural center where the bowling match is going to happen. He drives you past there. He says, over here we have the workers club where you can grab a pint of ale and meet some of the locals if you wish.

And here, and he drives as you round a corner, you see this big concrete block of a building. It looks extremely nondescript, but there's a bit of extra security. He says, this is Building 21, where the bulk of our scientific research is performed. If you win your tournament tonight, you will be granted a rare audience with the building director. Ah, and here we have the residential complex.

And he pulls you up to one of these stately Khrushchevkas. So he leads you in, and everybody in this place is just, like, very happy to see you guys. From every door and window, you see cheerful Russian scientists and their families peeking out at you, waving. We are some sort of heroes. Smiling. I waved back. Their skin is peeling ever so slightly off their sunburned cheeks and noses. No, that's a good... Even snow. I always thought, the first time I went skiing, I was like, I don't need sunscreen. Yeah.

And it's cloudy, but still do. Oh. These people should say, hey, these people need moisturizer. Yeah, you got to teach them about sunscreen. None of them are saying anything, but they're all very, very happy that you're here. That's nice. And you're led into this tiny little apartment. And he says, okay, your bowling match is in one action from now. You have free reign of the place, but please, you know, ask me if you want me to take you somewhere. I'll be happy to take you there, but I must have you under observation at all times. I will be waiting right outside the door. And Sergeant Kolotov closes the door.

You have to win the bowling competition, right? Yes. And then we get to where we need to go. Yeah. Yes. Which is the chemical, like science lab, which I guess we could try to sneak in, but that feels like maybe risky. Feels like every step outside we do is another chance for me to have to hand milk to somebody and somebody question why...

I'm doing that. You could just not hand milk to people. Well, I know, but then they may ask a question. And then what do I do, Francis? Well, hand milk to them then. I know. I'm just saying. Wait until you see. He can cover for us. He's been doing okay so far. Just wait until someone looks at you suspiciously and answer the suspicion with one of your milk bottles. Okay. Oh, wow. There are beds in here too. It's just like home. It's just a little bit different. Yeah. Most people sleep in beds. We could also go to the bar and see if there's any hot gauze, any information we could use. Oh.

I do love hot dogs. That's true. What if we did a four-way party split? I don't know.

I don't know about that. You guys can do it four-way. I promise I will resolve them quickly. I was thinking we could just sleep and then go bowling because there's literally no reason for us to do it. Like, we'd bowl and then we'd get to where we need to go. Like, when Robin Hood went to the competition, they didn't stop. They'd be like, you know what? Before this competition, why don't I go test out my disguise and just see if more people can recognize me before I do the thing I'm supposed to do. I do feel like if we went to the bar and learned things...

See, hot goss to me, that's just encrypted messaging, as I said, and nobody was impressed before. But I think that is actually very useful and that I might be able to pick up on things that people are saying. I heard Trudy's really into hot gossip. I mean, look, if my girl wants to go to the bar, I'm not going to let you go alone. So I'll be I'll go with you. I'm just saying that the milk thing, maybe they don't want us bringing in our own liquids to the bar. OK, yeah.

Give me a moment to think about what to do if somebody's going to question whether or not I'm a nanny. If I'm with you, I'll be on your back and I can just be like, and you can like soothe me. Okay. And to be clear, we're not afraid of besmirching the name of the Lithuanian team, clearly. I mean, they're out. They're not coming back. Well, I think anything will add to their mystique and their mythos. I mean, let's not call attention to ourselves. Let's just go in and see if we can hear hot goss. I have a gun for a leg. See if we can hear hot goss. We'll put on long pants. That's a good idea. Yeah.

I hadn't thought about that. There we go. We're solving these problems one at a time. Okay. Let's go see where we find the bar. We mingle. So you go to the workers club, which is, it's like a pub basically. When's the bowling? It's right after this action. Right after this action. Some bowlers like to loosen up before they play. Well, we could get them drunk. Yeah, exactly. Let's send them more beer or drinks or whatever. Yeah. Get them wasted. But careful, Kelsey. Maybe this might be their pregame ritual.

Did you folks have a pre-game ritual? What if we... Oh, this is bad what I'm about to say. What? Milton? I don't think we should do this, but can I just say it out loud? Yes, please. I really don't think we should do this. Okay, now I really want to. Just say it. It sounds like better and better an idea. We do have... Venom. Venom. Mind control venom. I mean, just a little bit is not going to hurt, right? Venom.

We could. Just a little chaser. Look, it's for the world. We're trying to save the world. And we're not going to make them kill themselves or anything. Well, well, well, Kelsey, it seems like you're already compromising your... Yes, I'm fine with this. Yes, good, Kelsey. It's to save the world. It's to save the world, Kelsey. If your solution was to get everybody sleepy for a bit to save the world, I'd be fine with that. It's the killing people that I have a problem with. Oh, Kelsey, I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I just...

are the optics of drugging someone's drink great no are we are we going to make them hurt themselves and what if we accidentally use too much venom and we can't save timmy we're not gonna use too much venom we got the whole body back no we have to win the competition also that thing had sacks on sacks on sacks trudy would you feel better if they were okay drinking it yeah like if we coerced them into drinking it not knowing what was inside no you know like be like

You guys think your beer here is so tough? Kelsey, I like the way you're drinking. We drink venom and we handle our shit. That's not bad. And then it's on them. But one of us then has to drink the venom.

Well, that's easy. You just pretend to hear or watch. Oh, look, there's venom in this one. And it's just a cup of water. I drink it. You know, you just trick them. Plus, I already have the venom in my brain. Oh, yeah, it doesn't hurt you. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes, Trudy, you are being a robot. She's a tough wrestler. That makes perfect sense. Yeah. Trudy, I think we make them think that you are like one of those tough wrestling ladies who can outdrink all the people here.

And then we'll set it up. You can take out that new accent for a stroll. Quick. Somebody hit me with a chair when we go in. And I'll just be so tough. You're so tough? I'm actually liking this play.

So how many bowling teams are there here? So your tournament is against the other two top bowling teams in the Soviet Union. The Moscow Mules. Nice. That's where they got the name from. And the Night Witches, who were an all-female ex-bomber team turned bowling team. Cool. From the Clone Wars. Okay. Are we both here? I don't know. Oh, wow.

I don't know. But we're telling them ahead of time. So it's their fault when it happens. Look, I would feel bad if the purpose was that we were cheating to win the tournament. That's true. But we're trying to get to this. We're cheating to win the tournament to save the world. And do a thing. To save the world. Okay. Where we go in, I just grab the nearest vodka bottle and just smash it on your head. Okay. You guys go in. Yeah. Anton Kolotov, Sergeant Kolotov.

lets you into the bar. And yeah, it's a sort of smoky, dingy pub, people playing darts. It's pretty quiet in here. You do see the other two teams kind of all huddled around pints, like they're all trying to get themselves pumped up for this match. What would you like to do? I grab the nearest bottle and I smash it over Trudy's head and I go, Nostrovia! Nostrovia! Nostrovia!

Okay. Ha ha ha ha. These drinks are tiny and puny compared to true Lithuanian schnapps. We have a bottle of it right here. And if any of you losers can out drink... Blake checks his notes. Sasha Banks over here.

Why, you would be the talk of the village. Sasha, show them what you mean. Break a chair, break a chair. Oh, I break a, I throw a chair at her. I already hit her in the head with a bottle just to get their attention. Oh, okay. I could have just thrown it on the ground. I pick up a chair and I break it over Trudy's back. So the first thing we're going to do is roll for Francis breaking a bottle over Trudy's head.

So consequences, William, my fighting brawl is 71 and I got a 52. Okay. So I'm trying to make the bottle break somehow. You smash the bottle on her skull. I feel like you need to roll damage for this, right? How much HP do you have?

Five? My damage is 1d3, so I can't possibly kill you. Okay, I have five. Even after healing? Even after healing? Yes, after healing, I have five. I do one damage to you. So yes, to paint the picture, everyone's having a beer, they're sipping quietly, and then they see a young boy. Is Kelsey still holding you? Yeah. You smash a bottle on...

Trudy's head and then everyone looks up and they're like holy shit like what's going on and then before anyone can sort of jump Francis for assaulting this woman Blake Lively steps in and gives his little speech about how all these drinks are for weak babies and then you're gonna give me a fighting blow now that I know it was gonna hurt her well you also know that it worked why would you even smash a chair on her anyway after everybody looked at us I'm about to swing it over her head and then I stop realizing it could hurt her

And I stopped again, realizing I can't speak. You do like a Tuscan Raider. Yeah, exactly. Oh, oh,

And I look at her like, oh, I so want to do this, but she's too tough because she drinks. And then I hold up the bottle. I can truly, truly flash up an intimidating gaze. Oh, I stumble back and then hand her the venom juice like that's what she wanted. Yes. And I look very intimidatingly and I say, in Lithuania, we drink the mind poison. Mind control.

I don't know what you're going to say on that, Trudy. It's okay. They can't understand her. Keep going. Informed consent is important. And we, yes, we will want to mind control you. First thing we're going to do, everybody give me a persuade roll.

And if one of you succeeds, this will work in sufficiently impressing everybody. Can I use psychology or persuade or fast talk? No, because you're not bluffing and there's no, you've already laid out the psychological dimensions. 92, that ain't happening. Okay. I got a 43 and I'm going to spend three luck to make it a pass. Okay. My persuade is 10. I rolled a 15. I will spend five luck points. Actually, we'll see what happens with that first. I have 55 persuade and I got 16. Perfect. And that's a super success. Okay. So you don't need to spend any luck. I don't think. I'm not going to spend luck. Okay.

Here's what happens. Francis bashes Trudy on the head with this thing. Blood sprays everywhere and everyone is much more focused on the fact that Francis seems like a fucking psychopath who just assaulted someone than they are impressed by the fact that Trudy got hit. Then Blake gives his speech and we

which is totally unconvincing. And then Trudy, you failed as well, right? With your glower. I will spend luck if it is an individual thing. You guys are going to succeed. Okay. Trudy then glowers at everybody and is clearly in so much pain that she doesn't look that tough. Like it's like the blood is mingling with the tears in her eyes from getting whacked like this. That makes it even more intense because if you weren't in pain, they'd be like, that was just a fake thing. But like, wow, she's in pain. You know what it is? They mostly pity her.

They mostly pity this poor woman. Who are these people that are abusing her? What's going on? But then Kelsey raises this chair and is about to hit her and then recoils in horror. And somehow this is the thing where they're like, I don't know, but that other lady, she's bigger than her and she was going to hit her. And then she didn't. So like, I don't know. This seems like a pretty serious customer over here. And I gave her the juice that clearly we've now established amongst all of us mammals because human beings are just animals. We've established the hierarchy and we now know that Trudy is the alpha. And this juice is

is what all want. I grab two glasses and I slam them down on either side of the table and then I point at the middle of the table and sort of gesturing at you to slam down the venom in the middle. The universal sign for drinking contest. I slam it down. I also need to keep some for Timmy, right? You said we had some at the

We do. Oh, yeah, we got some more. We do. I just want to make sure. I never know what Will's going to pull on us. I'm just putting them all out here in the record. That's just covering his bases. First in the McDonald's bathroom, now in Russia. All right, Blake, Trudy just said a whole bunch of things about mind poison. Are you going to translate to give context to what she's asking them to do? What's going on? She has challenged all of you to out-drink her. Everyone in the bar? Just the bowlers. Just the captains. All right, everyone in the bar. All right, drink on everybody, and they all come up to take a shot. It's kind of suspicious if we... No, it's not. No, we're going up.

It's against them, it makes perfect sense! It's a competition! No, just the bowlers! Just the bowlers! I'm disappointed. If you want to try... After the bowlers. After the bowlers get there. All of us against all of you to drink, eh? You are not listening to me. You said just the bowlers. How many of us bowlers do you want to drink? What is this? Sasha Banks here is taking on all comers. Okay, yeah, you know what? We'll do an elimination tournament and we'll all go after Trudy.

Yes. Yes. She's going to outdrink all of you before we even get to one of us, is what I'm telling you. Is what she just said. Trudy. Who's Trudy? Sasha Banks. Sasha. Sasha. All right. So you want each of us one by one to outdrink this Sasha. Good luck, idiots. Yeah. Tell them, you know what? You probably can't even do it. Never mind. Never mind. All right.

Very good. Never mind. It's a Shelbyville idea. It's clearly nobody in this bar has the guts and gumption to do it. Well, team, let's pack it up and go home. Wait. So you see the Moscow mules and the night, which is all sort of hushed tones talking amongst each other, trying to figure out who's going to take this challenge. I don't want to look like wusses in front of the Lithuanians. So they each point out their biggest guy.

This big hulking guy with a big Joseph Stalin mustache named Broseph Stalin, uh, comes out and puts his big meaty fists down on the table and glares at you, Trudy slash, uh,

Sasha. Similarly, a real tiny lady from the Night Witches, but like the most fucking hardcore. Like she probably bombed the most people over there. She's like the clearly the renegade. She's a renegade. She did it without orders. She just bombed people. Just a war criminal. Just a war criminal. Blake and her can have lots to talk about. Real war criminal look to her. She comes up to the table as well. And the two of them are going to go first. And so they both tap the table and they're like, let's go. I,

I pour three glasses. You pour three glasses. Okay. We're going to say that you have two thirds of the venom left now. Oh, I go, oh my God. I make them like, what have I done? That's too crazy. And I pour out a third of each of the glasses because it's so strong. I'm like, oh, sorry. So crazy. So crazy. You only need a little bit to feel this. Should we cheers before drinking?

They don't understand what you're saying, but they get that they should cheers you. Cheers to gutter balls, because that's like mind control stuff. Maybe they'll think of that. Control Rosima. Yes. And then they all pound back a shot. Okay. So here's what we're going to do. We actually don't know what this does, which is great. We're going to say that...

Because of the bigger guys on the team, Broseph Stalin has a 70 constitution and the unnamed witch has a constitution of 72 because she's got the guts for the job.

And they're both going to need to make an extreme check to not be affected by the poison. Trudy, because you're a robot, you will have to make a regular check to not be affected by the poison. Or rather, because your brain is encased by this, but it is still pretty strong stuff. What is your constitution score? It is 50. Go ahead and make a constitution roll for me. I'm going to roll. Oh, no. Oh, no.

81. Okay. They're going to roll. Trudy, we would have made you do it if I thought it affected you. It was in your brain already. Broseph Stahl failed his roll. The Night Witch failed her roll. Unfortunately, Trudy also failed her roll. That's fine. That's fine. So here's what's going to happen. All three of them, because you only drink an itty bitty bit of the poison. All three of you are prone to suggestion for the next hour based on whatever Blake says.

says right now. But I know that and they don't know that. But it's still going to affect you. But he's going to say it in Lithuanian or Russian. Or just to them. Yeah. He doesn't have to say it to Trudy. She can't speak Russian. Fuck, you're right. God damn it. Tell them to break their fingers. So whatever I say next is getting an influence on

You're the ultimate influencer. I'll give you one sentence to say right now, whispered under your breath, that will affect their performance based on your suggestion during the next match. You can also tell Trudy something as well. How did Trudy react to the, do I see visibly? Oh, yeah. Trudy just like stands up straight and is like, wow.

Anything could happen. In Lithuania, without realizing that I'm saying, I see that Trudy's like a little like at attention, like looking a little strange. I go, oh, oh no, lean over to the right a little bit more, Trudy. Oh.

Yes, I think I will. He's saying this in Lithuanian, so you don't know what that means. The next thing anyone says to Trudy, she will take alertly and it will go into her bowling skills. It will affect her. Trudy. Yes. You're a real person and you can do it. Wow.

Wow. All right, Blake, you've done a lot of work to get this. Don't fuck it up. Whisper to the two best players something that's going to make them bad tomorrow. No, I did. The idea is that they're leaning to the right. He blurted out, lean to the right a little. They are going to shoot to the right. And their politics now... Lean to the right. Yeah, they're not going to fit very well in...

They and Brunhilde are very aligned on taxes right now. So they all stagger back and they're like, and they stumble back woozy from the table and their colleagues are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We got to make sure you're good for the match. Whoops. Trudy, what do you do? Because you said you were going to challenge everybody. I'll do whatever...

anybody says. I'll switch out. It doesn't matter because I don't speak Russian. We can go through all of us. As long as you guys say something nice to me before they say something. It's only for an hour. You're right. This is just like a free pep talk. Yeah, actually, we could maybe solve a lot of my mental problems. Yeah.

And Blake, Blake, Blake, you did a good job, but just like focus now because you kind of just let slip last time. You weren't really focusing. I was worried about our friend Trudy. I know, but now you know what's going to happen. I thought you said it would not affect her. I know. I'm surprised too, but now we're all going to do this. So our life is in your hands now. Ah, very good. So be clear. When we drink...

You say something useful to us. Okay. I don't like that grin. I don't want anything silly. Something useful to us. And to the other people, say something more explicit than just lean left. Say, like, throw gutter balls. Well, Kelsey, maybe if you want to micromanage the group, maybe. I was looking at you have this fight in English and like, oh, what is going on? Are we bowling? I slam my hand down on the table and I pour myself a shot and I raise it up and I point it to more bowlers. Okay. The two next toughest bowlers, Brokita Twins.

Khrushchev and Night Witch number two. Man, she really got the short end of that today. No, they don't have names, so they can't find their families. Yeah, they're anonymous. All right, they're going to step up and do a shot as well. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Both of them failed as well. Yours is an extreme constitutional rule because you are not a robot, my friend. No, I failed.

Everyone staggers back again and is like, oh my God. In Lithuania, I go, as you all know, the heaviest ball is the best one. Okay. I feel like Blake's not listening to me. No, he's not. That might actually just help. That's like the easiest thing he could do. What are you talking about?

Talking about throwing gutter balls. The heaviest ball. People use the heavy balls. What are you talking about? Yeah, I don't. Yeah. That's not hurting them at all. Oh, no. Now, remember, Blake, this is his first time bowling. He doesn't really know what he's talking about. I'm not mad at him for saying something. I'm mad at him for not listening to what we're telling him. We specifically said throw gutter balls. Before Blake can say something to Francis, I look down at Francis like, Francis, you're a good kid. You're going to do the best you can. And however well you do, know that you're worth it. Oh, shit.

I don't know that much. That's going to help him. Okay, fine. Kelsey, why don't you go next? For the next four hours, I'm going to feel pretty good. I'll go next. Say something nice to me.

Don't say something silly. I'll be right next to you. I'll say something nice. You focus on saying fucking throw gutter balls. Just say gutter balls. Okay, Jesus. I'm sorry, we're getting upset. You're doing a great job. You're the only one who didn't kill the alien. I don't even know what a gutter ball is. I know. Okay. Oh, I understand now. Just trust us. Just tell them to throw gutter balls. Okay. You know what? I don't mean to say I don't trust you. Let me just rehearse it. Just tell me what you're going to say to them. I will say throw your balls in the gutter. That works. That'll work. That'll do it. That'll work. All right.

So your third person. Yes, that's me. This is now going to bring you to half of your venom left. Venom! Of this set of venom. Because we got another set of venom back home. Yes, you do. We have venom at home. So the third bowler from the Moscow Mules, Brolan Brodsky, steps up, as does Night Witch number three. They are both ready to pound a shot, and they will do so against you, Kelsey. So give me a constitution saving throw. Oh!

What did you get? Holy shit. I got a three. You got a three? A three. All right, so it doesn't work on you. Super duper is ten, no. And then I go, Kelsey, I'm tired of your fucking micromanaging. Stop micromanaging me.

This did nothing to me, Blake. That also means you can go again for the fourth guy, so Blake doesn't have to do it. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. I mean, the likelihood would be rolling a three. It's fine. Broan, Boroski, and Nightwish number three both against Staggerback like they're friends. They really want to grit it out, but they can't, and now they're open to suggestion if you want to whisper some... And I go, throw your balls in the gutter!

Okay, and then they both go, give you thumbs up. Nice. Good job, Blake. Hey, Kelsey, fuck off. I'm sorry, Blake. This is very stressful. You're doing a good job. I want another one. I want another one so people say nice things to me. Here we go. Wait, you're going again? Yeah, fucking pour, pour, pour. Use the remaining ones from each team. That'll be four drinks for four team members. Trudy, I think Francis is learning the wrong lesson from this. Drinking helps. Francis is learning the wrong lesson.

the wrong lesson from this. Blake, I think it's just us two now. Or the only grown adults. The last bowlers from each team, Fun Chris and Silly Sarah are going to roll. Silly Sarah, the most fucking deadly of the night witches. Fun Chris actually got an extreme success. Okay. Wait, what is two tens? Is that a hundred? That's bad. Or did he fumble? Oh, nice. He actually got a full dose. So this really, really, really affected him.

Oh, this is... What should we do? Oh, this is delicious. Oh, delightful. You have control over him now, but you can also whisper stuff to him during the match. You can whisper extra stuff to him on his throw. So, fun Chris flopped like hardcore. Silly Sarah flopped regular core, and Francis gets to have one more nice thing said. Oh, Francis. I failed again. Okay. And I go, never let go of the ball. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That's great. They'll get disqualified. And then to Francis. Same as before, Francis. You're a good kid. That's the best you've got? I am, clearly. Yeah, you're good. I feel good. Don't drink to solve your problems, though. You said the good kid thing first, so I'm not taking that to heart. Before Kelsey says that, you hear a whisper in your voice, and it's Brunhilde saying, Oh, that's fun. I get to kill whoever I want with the next shot of this gun. Oh, that's fine. What's fine? I...

Get to kill whoever I want. No, me, Brunhilde. I get to do it. No, no. Brunhilde said no. No. No. You fucked up. No, you fucked up. You fucked up. You fucked up. I'm in control, baby. Oh, it's time for that bowling match. Yeah, let's go bowl. So yes, Francis has taken two shots. You guys have sufficiently intimidated the other teams. They're all feeling a little staggering, but not quite sure what's wrong with them. Would you like to keep drinking? No. Would you like to call it? Sergeant...

Kolotov comes up and says, it is really time for us to be going to the match. This is a strange pregame ritual you have. Yes, it is really time for us to be going to the match. I still don't understand how she can understand what I'm saying if she does not speak Russian. I don't understand how I can understand what he's saying. Don't look at me. Are we ready to go? Are you ready to go to the match? It is time. Let us go. Time for bowling. So you hop back in the car. As you're driving, Sergeant Kolotov looks at you and says, you're a very strange team from Lithuania, yes? Yes.

He says this to you, Blake. You seem unusual. I hear him say, da, and I go, da! Yes, da. Yes, da! Yes. I personally, I love Lithuania. What I love more than anything about Lithuania is the Lithuanian borscht. A nice hot bowl of Lithuanian borscht on a cold day. There is nothing better, yeah? There is something better? What is that? A hot bowl on a hot day. Mm-hmm.

And he keeps driving. He keeps going. And he looks at you. You see a little peak of suspicion. You put our faith in your hands and you have butterfingers? I don't understand. I love borscht in all its forms. When it's hot, when it's cold, it's good any time. He...

keeps driving and he's looking at you suspiciously. Perhaps you are the one. Now I'm suspiciously looking at you. Perhaps you are the one because everybody knows that the great bowl of borscht is a truly versatile dish. The reason why it sustained so many Lithuanians for so long. Kelsey, how's this car? You guys can't understand a single fucking thing you say. I can't understand the words. I see Blake talking for more than two seconds. I know it's going bad.

So are we behind? Can I reach to the driver? Yes, you're sitting behind him in a Jeep. Okay, I'm going to sprinkle the venom into a handkerchief. That's great. And I look at Judy. I look at Judy at first. I'm like...

I think I gotta... And I go in front and I put the handkerchief over his mouth. Blake, tell him to forget everything that you just said. Forget everything I just said. Say we're the Lithuanians and we're the team. And the Lithuanians die for us if necessary. We're the Lithuanians and we're the team. We are the Lithuanian team and you will die for us. If necessary. If necessary, you are the coolest. We are the coolest Lithuanians you've ever met.

Hold on. I'm going to actually have a character sheet for this guy. Oh, no. That was the last of the Venom there. I'll help you out, Will. That was the last of the Venom. Yeah, that was the... Because you jumped in onto a rag. Yes. No, absolutely. We have Venom at home for Timmy. But Timmy's here! Oh, yeah. Well, I... I'll see the last of Venom. Oh, you're right. You're right. I take the handkerchief. No! No, absolutely not. What am I going to do? You're going to suck it back into your mouth and spit it back in your mouth. No, I'm going to take the handkerchief. I'm going to wring it out.

into one of my milk bottles and that's a little bit of you have one tiny drop of venom left you have a small amount of venom good thing Timmy's small and we got more at home I'm sorry I think we were like five seconds away from pulling over and then him has been like oh come outside just for nothing and then guns to our head

From what it was looking like over there with what Blake was saying. Sergeant Kolotov failed his role. So fortunately, you managed to drug him. And then what do you tell him in this moment when he's dazed? I said, we are the Lithuanian team and you would die for us if necessary. And we're so cool. And you forgot everything I just said prior to this. And he's like, oh, sorry, comrade. Maybe it was the fumes from that strong drink that got to my head a little bit.

Ah, we are here. And he pulls up. Oh, it's so nice we can talk now in front of him because he's never going to question that we're avoiding you two. Yeah, he wants us now. For the next hour. We're trip-sitting you. We're your trip-sitters. We're your what? Trip-sitters. Like, we need you to LSD. Oh, I see. It's weird that your hair is growing from the inside. Oh, no. We don't want him to die before he gets us to the game. He starts groping his hair. This is very true. What is this? The doors swing open and you enter the cultural center and it is

packed in here at this bowling alley. There is a very excited crowd of scientists here. Like, these people are incredibly fired up for an intramural bowling match. It's just this...

sea of sunburned faces all smiling and clapping in near unison with each other and they're all just grinning from ear to ear like they almost look like it hurts how much they're smiling they're so happy inspiring how much of fans they are of bowling is there anything else in this cultural center is it just the bowling they really like bowling here well there's like other stuff there's like you know what else is there is there a claw machine there is a claw machine oh wow well

In Soviet Russia, claw machine grabs you. Claw machine's a bowling. Why do we ever go to war with these people? They seem just like us. They're bowling on claw machines. And they got a grungy copy of Cruisin' Stalingrad over the corner. That's great.

It is now time for you guys to roll against the other two teams in this match. So here's how this is going to work. Everyone has the number of dice that they got, right? Yes. All right. This is simple. There's 10 pins. You're going to roll your D10s. Whatever the highest number you get, that's the number of pins you knock down on your first frame. Ooh.

On the second frame, if you roll higher than the previous higher number you got, that'll be the number you knock down on the second frame. So let's say you roll an 8. You need to roll a 9 or a 10 to pick up the spell. That's exactly what I rolled. Oh, wow. So now here's the only thing. Okay. This is the one catch. If you roll a 7 and a 10...

you get a gutter. Oh, no. So, like, if amongst your dice you have both a seven and a ten, you get a gutter ball in that roll. A seven-ten split. All right. Deadly. Let's do some bowling. So the crowd goes wild. In the interest of time, I'm going to do a big group roll for each of the other two teams, modified by the poison you fed into their systems, and then we're going to roll you guys individually to see how everybody did. Sweet. So their first guy, Broseph Stalin, who you told to lean to the right, he got a six.

Unfortunately, Brokita Khrushchev, who you told to throw the heaviest ball, which he already throws, got a strike. Brolan Broski, who you told to throw it in the gutter, he got a strike. What? He rolled a strike, let's say. However, because you told him to throw it in the gutter, his strike is now negated from the board. You canceled it out because he rolled in the gutter. And then our last person is...

Fun Chris. He also rolled a strike, but because you told him to never let go of the ball, we're going to give him a quick luck roll to see if the ball escaped his grasp or not, and that strike went through. So he got a 17 luck. So unfortunately for you guys, it flew out of his hand. He's so pissed. And he's so pissed, but it did in fact go in, which means their total score is...

a 26. Okay. Damn. So now we will do the Night Witches. They're the same things. The Night Witches, professional bombers turned professional bowlers. Our first Night Witch, Night Witch number one, this is easy to remember, the unnamed witch. She was told to lean to the right. She got an eight minus a 1d4 penalty dice of four. So she got a four.

The next bowler, Night Witch number two, who also throws the heaviest ball normally, also got a strike. So that brings us to a 14. Night Witch number three also rolled a strike, but she was also told to fucking... You're just rolling tens? I'm rolling a lot of tens. These guys are fucking killing it. Dude. Actually, no, Night Witch number three got a spare, but wound up picking up 10, but you told them to roll it in the gutter. So they flopped it both times, and we're going to cancel out that 10.

And our last roller, Silly Sarah, I was told to never let go of the ball. And unfortunately, she also did get a strike. I know, guys, they're rolling hot. I don't know what to tell you. But we're going to give her a luck roll as well to see if she managed to hold onto the ball. So she rolled a 64. She does not let go of the ball. She clonks onto the ground and is disqualified. Nice. So the numbers you have to beat are a 26 and a 14.

So bowlers, are you ready? Yep. It's a 14.6% chance of rolling a seven and a 10 with five dice and getting a gutter ball. All right. So we'll do this one by one. Who wants to go first? I rolled forever ago. Give me your first roll. Eight. And then what was your second roll?

My second roll is, let's see if I can pick this baby up. That's what I'm going to say when I'm a father. What's the second one? Don't we just roll like if I have five dice? So I missed with the second one. If you beat your first roll, you pick up an extra on your second roll. Yeah, I just got an eight. You got an eight. Okay, so Francis gets an eight. Throw one extra dice in for that last roll because you got told that you were a good kid and you could do it. Get a ten. Okay, so Francis picks up the spare. I got, with my five dice, I rolled an eight, a ten, a six, a two, and a nine. So ten.

So 10. So you got a strike. Nice. So Kelsey gets the strike. Woo. We got 20 points so far. Yeah. Okay. So Trudy, batter up. Three dice because I have a sprained wrist. Fuck. What'd you get? My highest was a five. Okay. That's okay. If you roll again, you get higher than five. Trudy, lock in. We got one more roll. Okay. A 10. All right. Shh.

And then finally, Blake. I got a nine, a four, an eight, a ten, and a one. Straight. You guys rolled a perfect game. Congratulations. I mean, Lithuania. And then during Blake's, it's like you hear the announcer like, strike to claim it, strike to claim it. And then he's like, yeah, fuck yeah, on ESPN. Who do they think they are? I am. I am.

The whole crowd goes crazy. There's a celebratory fanfare. The sort of cultural arts coordinator comes out and presents you with a trophy and a handshake. And she says, well done, well done, comrades. And now it is time for your very special tour of our facility with the site director. Are you ready for the greatest honor of your lives? Yes. Come with me then.

She leaves you beaming out the door. And then as we're going out, we're like, suck it. Suck it, Lithuania. Lithuania number one. I just want to say this is the happiest I've been in a long time. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah. It's great just being a team and bowling again. I bet nothing bad is about to happen. No. No.

No. I mean, everything is on the up and up. We're on a total winning streak. Yes. And we have a little bit of venom still for Timmy. Yes. And we have somebody who will die for us, or at least for the next, like, 30 minutes. I think we might have a new name for this team because it's got new people in it. I think we might be the perfect game. Oh.

No. No. Gutterall Scream is better. Gutterall Scream is better. Do you want to stay as Gutterall Scream, though? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Speaking of the man who's willing to die for you now, as this new woman, the head of cultural affairs, is leading you out the door and towards Building 21, the site where you're going to meet the director, you see a look of concern.

on Anton Kulitov's face. He's like, way across the room by now. You're already being flanked by other officials. He's kind of powerless to get to you at the moment, but you see a look on his face seeming to try to urgently communicate to you some dire message, something be aware, be wary, be warned. He would die for it. Whatever he's about to say, he's probably actually here. He could do it. Yeah. Can we talk to our friend real quick before we keep going? Oh, we shouldn't keep the director waiting. That's okay. Don't mind me. And I just turn around and walk towards him. Ha ha ha.

Okay. Are you all coming with me? I have no choice. I'm on your back. So you all break off to go talk to Sergeant Kolodov. This is important. His family is very important to us. Just okay. If you want to say goodbye to your tour guide, you have a second to go do that. Sure. Yeah. We'll head over. It's up to you. You got to talk to him. What's up, my dude? He looks at you and says, you're

You're walking into a very dangerous situation. Just be warned, be forewarned, be prepared. And he discreetly hands you his service pistol.

To make sure you have something on you that you might... That's why you always turn around when you start a level. You always look behind you. There's constantly secrets. Wait, did we come strapped with our guns that we already had? We never got searched. No, you guys, no. They would have searched you. You didn't bring your guns. But now we have one. Now you have one service pistol with one clip in it. Or Blake does, rather. And he grabs you, Blake, and he says, I don't know what's going to happen to me.

But in case the worst happens, in case they figured out who I am and what I'm really doing here, just tell my family who I am. Tell them that you know me. He leans in and whispers his name to you. He says, my name is...

You said that really loud. How did you guys hear it? You said it really loud. I was whispering it. But you whispered really loud. We all heard it. He goes, I'm a spy. I'm a spy with the CIA. My name is not Anton Kholatova. And he grabs you and says, it's Tony Collette. That's wild. We know another guy named Tony. Small world. The broken sky was to feel so ordinary.

But I'll stay.

Thanks so much for listening. You could be hearing more if you peek behind the old Patreon curtain. We're starting at $5 a month. You can get hours of bonus audio and visual content. Have enough of TTRBGs? What about boutique high-end board games? Straight from the personal collection of one Matt Arnold. Games like Kingdom Death Monster, where our campaign just released the 10th episode in an ongoing Patreon series. Have yourself a little listen. Hey, guys, guys. When it sounds like we're having fun, the audience has fun, okay?

We're going to die. I'm having fun, man. We're going to die. Well, the upside is also that if we're not having fun, the audience gets schadenfreude from it. We're doing great. We're doing great. Anthony, there's only four characters, and this is my game, and I gave you the character to play. And I made him a man baby. Okay. That's Kingdom Dad Monster. You can get it if you want, as well as other one-shots and miniseries campaigns and different systems.

alongside ad-free episodes and an after show for every main feed episode. There's a lot there. Just have a look. Go to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. We also got Pride Dice and the Pride Zine available on our store now. Net proceeds go directly to Lambda Legal. Check that out at dungeonsanddads.com. Speaking of Dungeons and Dice, this show is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos as RDM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Anissa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Corny Terror is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves, Omar Rogelino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing. Our Patreon is supported by folks with cool names like Joe Zeds, Malka Barrow, Daniel Cook, Phil Soropski, Haley Ritchie, Jeremy Lobner, Matthew Olson, Anton Carlson,

Alexis A. Zach Bachman. Luke of the Irish. Andrew Heinemann. Jonathan Drew. Ileana Yanes. Keely O'Brien. El Compa Bob. Anais Ahmed. Joran Wiegand-Osterud. Lise Obie. And Luke DeFillo. Merch and more at our website, dungeonsanddads.com. Beth's solo show, Beth Wants to D, playing at Hollywood Fringe and Edinburgh Fringe. Tickets in the description. And our next episode is June 17th. We'll see you then. That I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay All that I can see is one star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far But I'll stay

Cruise in USSR. There you go. There it is. Another snow level. No, it's actually cruise in USA, but you're flying a cruise missile.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Chime. Ding dong. It's bills. Oh, man. It's finance. Why'd I open the door for this? It's a castle doctrine on bills. Chime understands that every dollar counts. That's why when you set up direct deposit through Chime, you get access to fee-free features like free overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and more. By the way, here's a really big benefit of having Chime. I'm ready. Fee-free ATMs. Whoa!

Now, listen, I get it. Most of the time you get fee-free ATMs. Whatever. 50,000 fee-free ATMs. Now, here's the thing. That's a lot. I will say this. Normally, when you're tied to a bank and you got those ATMs, you're still looking for the bank. You know what I mean? So it's always a pain. Yeah. Chimes all over the place. Okay. Really? Yeah.

I've never seen a Chime ATM in my life. You want to know why? Why? Because they contract with other entities. Ah, okay. So they don't say Chime. They're like Walgreens, they're like 7-Eleven. Okay. And to be clear, 50,000 fee-free ATMs, that's more than the top three national banks combined. Wow. That's convenience right there. Chime is banking done right. You can open the checking account with no monthly fees and no maintenance fees. You get paid up to two days early, like we said, when you set up direct deposit.

And with a qualifying direct deposit, you're eligible for fee-free overdraft up to $200 on debit card purchases and cash withdrawals. To date, Chime has spotted members over $30 billion. And again, 50,000 fee-free ATMs. Like, come on. The convenience. The convenience. I can't handle it. Work on your financial goals through Chime today. Open the account in two minutes at Chime.com slash daddies. That's Chime.com slash daddies. Chime. Feels like progress.

Dunges and Daddies is brought to you this week by...

Shopify. Those of you entrepreneurs out there. That's me. You're an entrepreneur. What do you do, Matt? Yeah, what do you do, Matt? Pitch me, shark. Check this out. You play Dungeons and Dragons, right? I do. Imagine you could make money doing that by playing it for other people. Oh, wow. On your phone anytime you want. Well, I have to call it? Yep. You called 1-800-DUNGEONSANDDADDIES and we will just do it for you. So if you call our number, you pay $1.99 and then we play us playing Dungeons and Dragons. And by the way, if you hang up,

You got to call again and pay again. That sounds like a gangbusters idea why we probably should have some merch. Prepaid phone cards. If we were to do merch, I'll tell you where we'd go. We'd go to Shopify to get that going. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world. Our business, DungeonsandDads.com, if you go to our merch store, Shopify is the back end there. And 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S.,

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Dungeons and Daggers is brought to you this week by Greenlight. You know what they say? What? Money doesn't grow on trees. Ah, it doesn't. But the paper for money does. Paper is actually literally trees, if you think about it. Mm-hmm.

That sort of nuance is not generally available to us, but that's where Greenlight steps in. Greenlight's a debit card and money app made for families that helps kids learn how to save, invest, and spend wisely. Parents out there. That's me. Send your money to the kids. Keep an eye on your kids spending and saving. Kids out there. There's games. Get those gotcha games. No, no. The games that Greenlight provides is about building money, confidence, and skills. Ah.

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