S3 Ep. 27 - All About Eat
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Judges and Daddies is brought to you this week by StoryWorth. What is a StoryWorth? What is a StoryWorth? Well, ask your dad, because Father's Day is coming up. That's why we're getting all of our dad's StoryWorth memoirs. Each week, StoryWorth emails pops or another loved one a memory-provoking questions that you get to help pick. Questions like, did you ever get in trouble at school? Have you ever punched a kid and killed him? Whoa! No, they don't ask that.

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Welcome back from our studio at the court of Azathoth, between the planes that compose the universe, it's time once again for the powers that feed Sports Network Play of the Day. I'm Yogg-Sothoth, the one and all. And I'm the color out of space. Boom! We're here as always since time immemorial to beam the most sanity-rending slams and jams in all of sports straight into your nightmares. Boom!

The first TPBS PNPOTA is brought to you by Deep Ones Silvers. It's Dagon Days down at Deep Ones, which means two-for-one profane abominations all mating season long. Step into a deep one. Boom!

Today's play comes from a nameless speck of dust in a forgotten corner of the Milky Way galaxy where amateur bowling team the Gutterball Screams locked in a hopeless struggle to save their world from the mad whims of beings beyond their comprehension bold a perfect game! What makes this play stand out is the unusual pre-game strategy the Screams use to clutch the dub. Let's rend the veil of space and time to sneak a closer peek.

I tell ya, it's truly a scheme so foul it could only be birthed by the fractured brain of team leader Kelsey Grammer, who while she slumbers, is ever courted by Zuzel the Godslayer. Yikes!

I wouldn't fuck Zuzel with Haster the unnameable's dick. But wait! Trouble for the screams as rookie roller Blake Lively, tasked with whispering words of doom to their drugged competitors, accidentally gives them advice that helps their bowling game. Oh! That's a mistake you just don't want to be making and Grammar is not happy about that one. Yet despite their despair, the screams lock in on the lanes and by the time the final pin has fallen, like the great grace of Yith

They merge victorious. Another trophy to their name, the Screams now head into Persicova Grounds Building 21. But will their Cinderella story survive the horrible secrets that lay within? Only time and the astrologer priests of Daloth will tell. Boom! Up next, behold an exclusive sneak preview of Walt Disney's live-action remake of The King in Yellow. Stick around!

Oh, okay. Whoa. Whoa.

I make that decision solely in my sole discretion. You pushed Will onto a very specific kind of platform now. Babe Ruth calling his shot over there. Calling somebody else's shot. Somebody else goes up to the plate and Babe Ruth comes out and goes, that guy's going to go home run. Goes back into the dugout. He did that all the time if you had a lot with Babe in the dugout.

Babe Ruth calling me mommy. Yes. BDSM joke. Very good. Very good. I think he'd be a sub. Babe Ruth? Yeah. No, BDSM stands for Babe Doesn't Sub, Man. Wow.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play deep thinking plumber Blake Lively. Standout bowling performance from Blake last episode. And he owes it all to Swedish bowling. Swedish bowling is what Blake played as a young child growing up.

Is this canon that he's Swedish? No, it's just Swedish bully. Swedish meatballs and not be Swedish. You go to Ikea and not have to change your citizenship, William. I wish. I wish I could change Swedish. If it was that easy? Oh yeah, I'd be out of here. What if they're like,

ah, yes, you can be Swedish, but you have to build furniture for Swedish people for the next 10 years from IKEA. I would actually do that because I think there's something cathartic about building IKEA furniture when it's easy and when it's hard, it's actually like, that's the only time I've destroyed something. Can I say IKEA furniture building instructions are diabolical because if you look at them, there's so many ones where it's just like, there was a little hole there. Oh,

You didn't see my secret. You fool. You didn't see the little hole up on the side. Now you've built your dresser upside down. You look like the 2D guy scratching his head, standing over the tools. You'll have to call us at Ikea to solve this conundrum.

You thought you were strong enough to carry this on your own, but your brain wasn't strong enough to find all my secret screws. Normally, I'm good enough to do it, though. But the one time I was trying to build a nightstand, I actually destroyed it. I took it outside and I beat it up and I kicked it and I destroyed it and it felt so good. But my new roommate

were a little scared of me. What did you do with the little free extra dowel they sometimes cheekily thrown in there? I love that when they just throw one in. They throw a roll on. Hey, kid, here's another one. Anyway, Swedish bowling. Swedish bowling involves taking a rock and throwing it down a hill and trying to hit trees with it.

Is it a thing you made up or is this a real thing? No. All right. It's a real thing in that you can do that with a hill, a rock, and a tree in the distance. I mean, there is a thing called Swedish bowling. I looked it up because I was getting ready to learn. Yeah, it's a thing. Oh, hold on. I mean, clearly you didn't know. Somehow he Googles this and it goes to Goat's email. It's like a lawn game. I have so much respect for you. Swedish bowling is called Koop.

It's a throwing game that involves knocking over wooden blocks. So not dissimilar from what I described. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I guess a tree really is a wooden block if you think about it. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. And you know what she always says? Eat, pray, love. She was the first one.

And, you know, Kelsey doesn't live long enough, but she actually taught Carol Gilbert, which is the mother of Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love. So I'm just saying. So a little fact about Kelsey is that Kelsey and Roz have a little book club, the Grammar Book Club, and they read a book every month. And they really like it because it's a way for them to connect. However, when they read Catcher in the Rye,

the next couple days, Milton started acting weird. And Kelsey began to realize that Milton was always listening to the book club and reading whatever they were reading. So since then, Kelsey and Ross have mostly read kind of like feminist literature and things about how to be a strong, mature boy. How to be a strong, mature boy. That was actually the original title of Catcher in the Rye. That was actually the original title of Eat, Pray, Love. How to be a strong, mature boy.

Yeah. Or how to be a strong material. You know, like how it came out, like to kill a mockingbird. She had like that first version that sucked. That's what he started writing. I'd be a strong, mature boy. Halfway through. He's like, this is boring. Let's just do the opposite. What if I had a kid who was not there? What if a kid sucked? How,

J.D. Salinger having a moment of inspiration. How to be a strong, mature boy is the original title of Lord of the Flies. I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid who's trying his best. And Francis' PG fact is we're going to talk about Francis' favorite sense.

Francis' favorite scents are two dimes and a nickel. You went in the third direction. Because when you're getting bullied, if they see a quarter, they're like, that's basically a hamburger. And they take the quarter. But if they see two dimes or a nickel, they're like, that's peasant shit. And they let it go. That's interesting. That's wild. Really interesting. Definitely not true, but he tried. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout. Hello.

Homemaker, mother of one beautiful child, robot. I'm going to let you in the mind of Beth May for a moment. Oh, God. Get us out of here. This is why you did that one-woman show. I see it now. One, I'm not sure if I'm pronouncing this word right or if I've already done this fact. So that's kind of why you're like, and I didn't want to ask before because I was lazy and we were talking about so many other fun things.

If I have done this fact before, I apologize. And then just tell me and I'll come up with another. This is like the opposite of Babe Ruth calling us. If I don't get a home run, I'm sorry. So you're saying if you find out afterwards that you've done this fact and the audience says, well, next week you have to do two facts. I'll do two facts. Okay. Okay.

whenever Trudy is going on like a mommy spending spree, she calls that clearing her cash. Definitely not done that one. That's great. That's very good.

That's good. That's a new one. Never done that one before. 27 episodes? 27. 27. I haven't repeated one. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I'm your Dungeon Master. Bonus dad fact slash shameless brag for meme this week. My wife wrote a Star Wars comic and it comes out this week.

Dr. Aphra, Chaos Agent by Cherish Chen, drops this Wednesday, and y'all, it's fucking good. Dr. Aphra is like low-key one of the best characters going in Star Wars right now. Like, the best way to describe her is she's like Indiana Jones in space. If Indiana Jones was a dirtbag criminal who needs to get her shit together. It has been such a joy getting to watch Cherish put this book together behind the scenes. The art is fucking incredible. If you like Star Wars,

at all, you're going to fucking love this book. So call your local comic book store today and get yourself a copy of Dr. Aphra, Chaos Agent. Okay, let's get back to the show. My dad facts, my DM fact this week.

The elephant's foot is the nickname given to the large mass of corium beneath reactor four of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant near Pripyat, Ukraine. The mass formed during the Chernobyl disaster of April 26, 1986 from such materials as molten concrete, sand, steel, and uranium and zirconium. It's named for its wrinkled appearance and large size evocative of the foot of an elephant foot.

This fucker puts off, when it was created, nearly 8,000 to 10,000 rontogens, 80 to 100 grays per hour, delivering a 50-50 lethal dose of radiation within three minutes. When it was first found, it was the most dangerous object on Earth. And it looks creepy as fuck. Until I was born.

Until Anthony Burch got his first 3DFX graphics card. Until I logged onto Quake for the first time. How radioactive is it still? It's not as, but it's pretty bad. It's pretty radioactive. You shouldn't be there. It's like Imagine Dragons level. You shouldn't be there. You know it's not as radioactive because someone was able to go in and take a picture of it and the picture is the creepiest fucking picture I've ever seen in my life. But they were wearing a lot of things. He wasn't wearing that much stuff. And

And then also it's creepy because they did like a long exposure. So like you see like a ghosty blur of the guy who took the link shirt. And it looks like it fucking ate his soul. It's just like this big blob that fucking killed a guy. It's crazy. Can you put a link to what you're talking about?

in the discord or something? Sure. Yeah. Real noble heads. No, here's the new tech that needs to happen. Freddie, let's hear it, baby. I'm about to say, it feels like something you would be saying. So, so here you go. Okay. I want to be able to be listening to a podcast and say, Hey, can you drop a link? And they say something and then your computer or your car or whatever could link to that. It feels like we got listening. We got, well,

You guys listen to podcasts in my car. Your car, like, drives to where the link is. What are you talking about? Sorry, officer, I blew that red light because a giant picture of Chernobyl filled my windshield. Like an audio link. Like an audio link. I want when somebody says, here's a link, and I say it out loud, and then I get it. Here's a link.

I just want it. I just want it in my brain. Just get the content direct into my veins. I don't want to use my fingies at all. Can you imagine if you're listening to a podcast and you could buy my shirt and you just say, buy it.

Your phone gets it for you? When you get home? Yes, please. You know about the McDonald's Connect patent, right? No. McDonald's tried to patent a style of advertisement where if you have an Xbox Connect and a commercial for McDonald's starts playing, then you can automatically skip it, but only if you stand up, put your hands in the air and go, McDonald's! I like that.

All right. Let's start this episode. One, two, three. One, two, three McDonald's. One, two, three McDonald's. Previously on Dungeons and Daddies, the podcast where we play the Peachyville Horror, y'all went to Russia to find Mothman and Timmy who'd been captured in the town of Persicovo Grad. You

You infiltrated under the cover of being a Lithuanian bowling team known as the Lithuaniacs. You managed to win the tournament by using most of the mind-controlled venom you need to cure Timmy. Whatever. But we left enough for Timmy. Well, we don't know if it was enough for Timmy. We know that there's a couple of drops left in there. I feel that we decided there was enough for Timmy. Yeah, we screwed that up. We had some at home. No, we rolled the tape. We decided that Matt used it all and then rang a little bit back out into the Bible. Well, okay. We can look at the tape. We pull it out. Pull it up.

Esther, pull it up. Esther, pull it up. Timmy's here! Oh, you're right. You're right. I take the handkerchief. No! I'm not. No, absolutely not. What am I going to do? You're going to suck it back into your mouth and spit it back into the bottle. No, I'm going to take the handkerchief. I'm going to wring it out into one of my milk bottles. And that's a little bit of it. All right, you have one tiny drop of venom left. You have a small amount of venom left. Good thing Timmy's small. All right, now we record two versions. That's right, bitch! Damn, I was wrong.

All right, other version. That's right, bitch. Oh, damn. I was wrong. You're not going to use that one? But we got some back at home, too. There's some back at home. But Timmy is here. We have Timmy at here. Beth, my understanding is that we have enough for Timmy. But if not, we can fly Timmy home. But if not, whose fault will that be? I mean, I don't know. Wait, wait, wait.

We won because of this juice. We all were in on the juice. We all did the juice plan. I know. We were all juicing. Will's trying to split us. Guys, don't let Will split us. Don't let Will split us. Divide us. You won the bowling tournament, gaining yourself an audience with the site director of Building 21, the mysterious...

research laboratory where the dark experiments at the heart of Percy Covograd have been going on. We'll see what happens when you get there. We'll see what spooky things you find. Maybe Mothman's there. Maybe not. That'd be kind of stupid if he wasn't, though. That would have been bad planning on my part. You are about to be whisked away

when you noticed your handler, Anton Kolotov, who you had chloroformed with the last of your mind venom before you wrung it back into a jar, looking conflicted. Blake Lively approached him, and he warned Blake that you guys were walking into a dangerous situation, handed Blake his service revolver, and on top of that revealed that he was actually a CIA agent working for the U.S. government, and his real name was...

which we all heard. He revealed that his real name was Tony Collette, Anton Kolotov. That's pretty good. Yeah, Anton Kolotov. How could his name be Tony Collette? That was the other, wasn't there, but he's dead. Who's this guy? But you don't know that because you never heard of Tony. Tony, Tony, perfect common name. Colette. Yes, T-O-N-Y-C-O-L-E-T-T-E. Ah, two common names. Welcome. Hello. Okay, but you have to go. They're going to get suspicious. Just, I've got your back. Yes.

He gives you his gun. I fucking lock and load it and tuck it right by my groin.

Where all guns belong. Just at Freddy's groin. Just point at my ding-a-ling. He's about to continue talking, but then he sees the cultural affairs liaison, the woman who was going to guide you to Building 20, come up and say, is there a problem, comrade? Are you ready to join us on the tour? Time is a-wasting, as they say. Looking forward to the tour. They want us to go on the tour. Yeah, we want you to go on the tour. That's what we're here for. Come this way. So what was the deal with them? Ah.

That man is a spy. Okay. Yeah. Oh. I'm seeing this very sotto voce. Okay. Good. All right. Whisper. Did he give you anything? What's the, like, what? He gave me a gat. So we are armed. Oh.

Just in case. I don't know what else he'll be doing. Okay, so Blake's got a gun, everybody. And that guy's a spy. That's a spy. But that's very secret. Yes, do not mention. What are you talking about back there? Bowling strategies, secret bowling strategies. So she leads you in through the gates and gestures to this big sprawling foyer, this sort of magnificent brutalist architecture and this big convent.

concrete slab floor and she guides you through the space and she says unfortunately the director he has a very important meeting right now with a very special celebrity you may have seen on the news da? a man with big wings da! da! ah so you have seen him too as well da! da! yes your friends they seem very they are simply in awe of the brutalist architecture on display in this lobby da! da! da! da!

Njet! The song, we're up with the song's good. Well, regardless, as I said, the director is busy at the moment, but he's excited to meet you. If you could follow me into this room to watch informative video on what we are doing here at Project Motherland. Ah, explain to the team. There will be a video. I will translate. Is that Lithuanian you are speaking to your teammates? Da. Da. Ingles?

You speak English? Yes, it is one of the languages. Oh, you do as well? What? You say...

You do too? Are learning English. Tournament in America. Wish to destroy capitalist scum. Practice English. What are they saying? I don't speak English. They are practicing English. No, but what are they saying? We are speaking and practicing English for an upcoming tournament in America where we will crush the capitalist scums. Yes, very good. I see. Okay, well, you tell them that that is okay with me.

But people don't like English here, so it might cause offense. They should be careful when they speak. But I, being enlightened cultural affairs minister, this is okay with me. Ah, team, she's cool with English, but other people will not be cool with English. Well, you tell those other people to mind their fucking business.

They're fucking business. Oh, good point. It's nice that we can talk to each other. But wait, everybody, really quick, though. Yes. I mean, like, I know you, you've watched some spy movies here and there. A lot of times somebody pretends like they don't know the language we're talking. So it's nice that we can talk to each other in English. But I'm not so sure that that guy doesn't actually speak English. That's a good point. So, you know, try to keep him off guard with like, oh, he's got such a big hog down there.

I think all three of us should suck on it and have a great time. And I'm watching the Russian to see if he's... That's an insane thing to say. Yeah, it's crazy to say that. I wish I just got my... Also, which one of us has the hook?

My whole head down in his pants. I want my whole head in his pants, and I want to live in there. She nods, not understanding what you're saying. Okay. I think she's either in favor of this idea, or she doesn't speak English. I want to get in there. Okay, so she doesn't respond. Can I roll to see? I want to roll to see if she actually- All right, give me a psychology roll. If you see the glint of recognition in her eyes-

I got 87. I failed it. Okay. Yeah, you have no way of knowing. She does turn to Blake and say, what is she saying? She seems very like she wants me to understand something. I don't speak English. Okay, sorry to be so crass. I don't think she understands English. No, but you, what did she say to me? Oh, she was asking about. You can tell her the truth. That's fine.

Oh, she was asking about the brutalist architecture. How is it so tall and so concrete? Oh, well, it is in fact a very long and interesting story. I would be happy to tell you right now. But unfortunately, more pressing matters. Wait, I really must guide you into this room to see this important video. We need to watch the video. It's an important film and we should...

Go along and maybe you translate. Yes. For them. Yes. So she kind of scoots you along to like off the foyer. There's like a little, you know, I get a museum when they got like, oh, nice. There's a little movie playing. It's like one of those. It's like a nice little movie room. Then you go in and then you're like, this is kind of boring. But then you sit here like another 10 minutes just to like act like you're watching it. She guides you into this room and closes the door behind her. We're alone. We are alone. I think.

I think we're alone now. Hey, fucking cool it with all the English. Well, we need to be able to talk to each other. I didn't even know you knew about hogs and sucking and all the things you just said. Yes, Kelsey, that was quite insane. I'm a grown woman. I don't know why that's surprising. I just don't like to hear my teachers talk about it. I'm not your teacher anymore. I'm just nothing but a grown woman to you now, Francis. Are you coming on to me? No, Francis, absolutely not.

We're all in this together and I had to say something shocking. The fact that you're like, I can't believe you said that is exactly why I had to say it because that would have made her shocked. I wanted to understand English. That's all I was trying to do. If we need to communicate, perhaps use a masking in the form of pig Latin. Everybody give me a listen check. I'm familiar with masking. All right.

I failed. Oh, what is my listening? Seven. I succeed. Oh, exactly. 25, 25. I succeed. Super success for me. You got a super success? Yeah. Seven? Yeah. I have failed. Blake, you hear a little click when the door shuts. And then. I want to try the knob. You want to try the knob? Yeah. It's locked. That's what Kelsey was going to try. Oh, gosh. We have fun here. It's been a while.

Team, we are stuck in this room. We are going to watch whatever madness they will put in front of us. Quick, look for alternate exits. As you say that, the lights dim and a film begins to play. Like a hatch opens up and like a little projector beam shines onto a... Can I roll spot hidden though? Yeah, to see if there's another exit? Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. Give me disadvantage as the lights do go out.

78. Never mind. I failed. Okay. Basically, you hear this like... Like, you know, some old... Pretty good, Will. Thank you. Old newsreel music. Da, da, da. See here. Da, da, da. And, like, basically, this newsreel starts playing over stock footage of guys in science lab coats doing science-y stuff and, you know, pictures of Russia. You hear the following...

Welcome, esteemed comrades, to Project Motherland. Ah, it's good that they have subtitles. In Russian. No, in various languages. No, they don't. They only have it in Russian. Just so we can get through this, we can assume that Blake is explaining what's going on to the rest of you guys. But dear listeners, I, Freddie Wong, player of Blake Lively, will chime in when the translation isn't perfect. Okay.

Can't wait. Welcome, esteemed comrades, to Project Motherland. You have chosen or been chosen to participate in a great adventure. Together, arm in arm, we will bring about a new age of harmony for the workers of our world and every world beyond.

But first, some history. It switches over to like newsreel footage of the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility disaster in Tennessee. In 1939, decadent Western filmmaker Joseph Joseph Abrams performs an occult ritual at the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility and makes contact with a powerful entity from beyond space and time. Despite the best efforts of inept capitalist spies to cover up the incident, word quickly spreads. Soon, it's gone.

Every major government on Earth has made contact with a pantheon of extra-dimensional beings known as the Powers That Be.

The powers show their true wisdom to many, but only to us, only to the USSR do the powers reveal their true purpose and mankind's glorious destiny. And then you start seeing like this trippy, ethereal, sort of special photography of space and like little diagrams with strange symbols. Soon the veil between our reality and theirs will grow thin, thin enough for a hole to be torn through it.

With their guidance and our collective will, we, the people of Russia, will bring this moment, this hour of the whole, to pass. And the powers that be will descend on our world, and the workers of the world shall unite with the world as one mind, one flesh, one psyche, one spirit, one will, and we will be born anew, and we will take our seat among the stars.

We know this may seem strange. We know you may be afraid, but be not afraid. Sit back, relax your body, and listen to these short words from our site director. And the footage cuts to just like this weird grainy shot of a big glowing object.

of radioactive scrap metal in a massive rubble-strewn room with a dirt floor. It looks kind of like the elephant's foot. My foreshadowing is paid off. He declared. The footage starts to get brighter and brighter. Like you're hearing this buzzing noise and you hear this voice come in and start speaking to you. I'm going to plug my ears and close my eyes. I follow whatever Blake is doing. Same. Okay, you're going to plug your ears before he even starts talking?

Yeah. And close your eyes. I feel like I would absolutely follow the peer pressure of that. Okay. Well, in that case, I won't read the thing that he was going to read. Oh, no. But wait, if you read it and the audience doesn't close their ears and close their eyes, is the crazy thing going to happen to them? Audience members, plug your ears if you don't wish to hear what I'm about to say. You are aware of everything, and yet you are not aware. You are listening with your subconscious mind, while your conscious mind is far away and not listening.

your conscious mind is far away and not listening your subconscious mind is awake and listening and hearing everything while your conscious mind remains very relaxed and peaceful you can relax peacefully because your subconscious mind is taking charge and when this happens you close your eyes

And as this murmuring goes on, you guys can't hear it. Oh, Beth's listening. I wasn't. Beth, you didn't blow your ears. I wasn't. What are you doing? And then I...

You hear this dulcet droning. Do we hear now? This is now Will the DM explaining what's going on. Fingers out. Fingers out. Sun's out. Guns out. As you hear this muffled, dulcet, hypnotic voice, the screen, like I said, grows brighter and brighter and brighter. It seems to take on this sort of like otherworldly hue. We can see through our eyelids because our eyes are closed. Yeah, our eyes are closed. Your eyes are closed too? Yeah. Okay. I guess we can start seeing like we can tell it's brighter. Weird colors. Yeah, we can tell it's brighter. It's brighter. It's getting brighter. Yes, yes. It's getting brighter and brighter and brighter in the room. Oh, oh.

It's like a hot sun right on your face. And you feel almost like your skin is starting to burn ever so slightly. Like you've just been exposed to the sun for hours. And you can feel your skin starting to crinkle and peel. I want to duck under the seat. Are there multiple rows? Like I want to get behind. Yeah, you can duck under the seat. Yeah, sure. That's great. As you're doing all that, everybody give me. So if you guys had not been smart.

I would have made this a hard roll. It would have been even harder for Freddie because he could understand it. Everybody give me a POW roll with advantage. Freddie, thank you for thinking of it. 49 out of 85. That's just a regular success. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. I got advantage. Oh, yeah, we have advantage. My POW is 40. I got a four. Whoa. I got a good roll, too. My POW is 55, and I got a 10. My POW is 25, but I got a nine. So super successful. Okay, so you all succeeded.

Yeah, we're rolling hot today, boys. Okay, great. So you're all hunkered down. You got your eyes closed and your ears plugged. You're under the seats. Did we see... Is there like a physical projector in the room or is it like baked into the floor? It came out. Yeah, there was like on the wall, it popped open. There was like a little hatch that popped open. Okay. Was it...

where one of us could conceivably like run up and like jam something into it. You'd have to climb to get up. But yeah, you could absolutely go do that. But before you do, everybody make me a disadvantaged listen roll because you're plugging your ears and this video is getting pretty loud. My listen is 20 and I got a 22. My listen is 27. I got 93. My listen is 40 and I got a 53. My listen is only 25, but I got a 20. With disadvantage? I got a one and then a 20. Oh, wow.

Okay, that's fantastic. Okay, great. Francis, what were you about to do? I was going to turn away from the screen, which I feel like I could feel which direction the heat's coming from, so I would be able to do that without looking at it. Okay. And then basically tap Trudy and Blake on the shoulder, whoever's closest to me on the shoulders, and then if they do open their eyes, point up at the projector and then do like a cutting throat gesture against my neck. But to do that,

You are looking at the projector. Yeah. The light that is streaming out of this thing is also streaming out of the projector. So give me one more power roll. I'm not going to make you keep doing this over and over again, but I feel like since you're now looking, that's an escalation. My power is 40. I got a 57. So as you glance up at it to do this, you become entranced by the light and you start to just go catatonic.

as you're staring at it and your arms fall slack at your sides and you can feel something burrowing into your mind. You can feel something just starting to grope around at the edges of your psyche. Look at Francis. Oh no. I'm going to stand in front of Francis and then I have my fingers, my fingers, but I move my elbows around his ears.

To cover his ears. If you can physically do that to me, it feels like you should get away with it. And I'm kind of like headbutting him to wake him up. So you go over to wake up Francis. Yeah. Covering his face from the screen and covering his ears with my elbows. Francis, give me another disadvantaged willpower roll to see if this breaks the spell. 98. No, it doesn't. As that's happening, Beth, you feel something light land on your nose. I open my eyes. That's all it takes, Beth. Yeah.

Yeah. She could also like do this before she goes to the restroom. Well, see, you're smoking down. I think I'd be really surprised to be like, what the fuck?

going on? That's fair. That's fair. Okay. Well, then two things happen. You see a moth on the tip of your nose, but then you also see the video again. So give me one more willpower roll. Okay. And I have a 55. Let me roll again. I got a 70. Okay. So you for one moment are like, oh my God, there's a moth. Is it moth man? And then you are mesmerized by the film and you too begin to feel something burrowing its way into your brain. Oh no.

The other two of you, the smart ones, smart ones, you hear the door click open again. A doctor and two burly sort of like orderlies step into the room. So the first person they see is Matt attempting to wake up Francis. So let's go ahead and do a combat initiative. This one won't be too long. I presume I don't have to. No, no, you're out for now. Like, you ready? I have a gun.

You pull that shit out right away fucking down the iron sides dude pop pop Hey homie

Is that my briefcase? God, what a fucking moment. What a film. What a picture. We're referring collateral, of course. The two goons are going for Matt and the doctor seems to be coming for you. All right, well, I'm going to wait. But the doctor is a woman. I can't brainwash this kid. The point blank firearm range rule says that the shooter's targets within one fifth of their decks in feet. I get a bonus guy. Yeah.

It's like 10 feet. Yeah, I'm just going to shoot the doctor. All right, so you're just opening fire from the jump. Yes. You got a revolver from our friend Tony Collette. Yes.

And there are now seven people entering the room. No, there's three. But this is one of your six bullets. Go ahead and give me a firearms roll. Yes. With a bonus dice. 48. What's your skill? 20. Okay. So you miss. But you know, gunshot is a warning still. Yeah. Yeah. Like the rattlesnakes rattle. Yeah. So I got 48. I have 22. So I need to get...

A one. A one or a zero. Come on, baby. One out of five. That ain't bad. That's a horrible fire. Six! So you spin around in your seat and aim up on the docker and fire off a shot and it goes way wide. And now all hell is about to break loose in this room. Question for you. Mm-hmm.

Revolver, you chose the loudest gun. I don't know how the brainwashing thing works or whatever. Does the gunshot snap them? Does it really respond? Do I notice Francis or Trudy responding to the gunshot? Both Francis and Trudy, give me another disadvantage willpower roll. Ooh, now I pass. Oh, you pass. Okay, so then you actually have the deafening sound of this gun going off, snaps you out of it for a second. So you guys are also now both in the initiative order. So you did accomplish something. Okay, great. I will. Yay!

Do I have my bowling ball? Did you guys bring your bowling bags? I do think that we went right from the bowling bag to bowling bags. My point, young man lady, is that if we were Lithuanian bowlers, this is still a valid reaction to what is happening. If you were just Lithuanian bowlers, you were promised a tourist attraction and you showed up and started getting brainwashed, you'd be like, what the hell is going on? And you'd fight your way out of here. So we can still keep our cover.

So as the goons turns next, they see the two of you snap out of it, but they're closer to Kelsey and Francis. So they are going to go ahead and try to subdue both of you with their nightsticks, with their billy clubs. Goon number one is going to take a swing at you first, Francis. Okay.

I would like to dodge. My half tax is 30. I rolled an 18. Oh, nice. So that's a success? Yes. Not quite a super success, but yes. All right. Well, he got a 97. So he takes a big swing at you with his nightstick. He gets a coronary. He gets a fumble. His nightstick actually clanks on the wall and falls out of his hand. So he's going to need to pick it up if he wants to use it next turn. Nice. Matt, the other one is going to take a swing at you.

Okay, yeah, I'm going to fight back. 25. Super success because I have 60, so under 30. He got a normal success. So, bam, he goes to punch you and you give him a box. You're already in the duck and weave position. Oh, yeah. Alpha and Omega is back. So you juke him and give me a roll for damage. I go eat, fist, pray, punch.

That you'll survive this punch. I love punching people. Love your neighbor like you love yourself. Whatever. Roll for damage. What's your damage? One damage. Okay, so you crack him on the jaw. That's just a taste. Nice. Okay. Um...

I could do two more damage than that normally. So think about how much that hurt and multiply that by 200%. That's what could happen. No, no. Okay. Multiply it by 300%. Oh, shit. Oh, wait. It should be two damage. Sorry. Two damage? Because 1.5, one and a two is one damage. Three and a four is two damage. Okay. So two damage. Twice as strong as you thought. The doctor is now going to take a swing at you, Blake. Sure you don't want to swing at me, buddy? Yeah.

Take it all in. Actually, not the doctor. Kelsey, it's your turn. Oh. I forgot that. That was actually his turn. So, yes, it's your turn. What would you like to do? So, you two have snapped out? Suplex. We're good. Suplex. Oh, yeah. I'm going to...

Try to pull the guy's head like neck is like, you know, on the edge of the chair, you know. Oh, my God. And then like elbow down. Oh, my God. Break his neck over the chair. I know that would kill you, but I feel like that would feel so good for a second. It'd feel really good until it doesn't. Yeah. So it's like a maneuver, right? Yeah, we'll call this a fighting maneuver. And that'll be part one of it.

to pin him down. And then I think what I'll do is then he can try to break free on his next turn, but then you can break his neck on your next turn. Or just threaten him. Okay, cool. Okay, so give me a fighting brawl roll. That will be what we roll your fighting maneuver with. So 45 and my fighting brawl is 60, so normal success. Okay, so he is going to try to dodge back. He got a 37 and his dodge is 35. So yes, you grab him and you bring him down.

onto the chair. And on your next turn, you can try to snap his neck. Nice. Keep acting like we're just want to be bowling. What's going on? Got it. It is the doctor's turn. The doctor is going to lunge at you, Blake, with a syringe. Try to stick you. There's never anything good in that.

No. I've never seen a movie where somebody stabs him with a syringe and like, thanks for the fluid. Dark City. What happens in Dark City? At the end where he stabs him with a syringe that gives him all the memories of how to fight and some of these amazing fighting. Oh, shit. That's kind of cool. That's not what's in this syringe. I want to fight back with my gun. Can you fight back with a gun? Hey, buddy. A little movie called John Wick. A little thing called...

CQC. CQC. All right, yeah, give me your firearms roll. This is crazy because, like, we're in a situation where it's probably smarter for me to not do that. It's a place you find yourself often, Freddie. I know.

I know. Well, you know what? I'll tell you this. I'll do a dodge. I'll try and dodge him. Which skill is higher? Dodge. Okay, well then, yeah, maybe you should dodge. Yeah, I'm a dodge. What is your firearm skill? 22. 22? He's not good at guns. 19 on dodge. Not even, actually. Too bad. I would have fired super success on the dodge. Super success. Okay, he got a...

regular success. So he takes a swing at you and you just watch this pointy little glinty syringe needle drip in some kind of weird green goo slide right past your neck. But he does not succeed in hitting you. I go, what are you doing? We are just a bowling team. Nice. What is this nonsense? The film sucked. I'm going to aim for the doctor. Okay. And I'm going to hit him with my 13 pound bowling ball. Nice.

Are you throwing it or are you swinging at it and what are you doing? How far away am I? That's up to you. If I'm close enough to hit him, I'll just like hold on and...

Just clonk him. Clonk him. I like this plan. Give me a fighting brawl roll is what we'll call it. I got a 22. Hell yeah. What's your score? 35. 35. So that's a regular success. He is going to try to dodge. He fails. And then what's your damage bonus? 1d4. Okay, that's great. Yeah, roll me on 1d6 plus 1d4. Yeah, it feels better. 1d6. Fuck. 1. Okay. 1d4. 2. Damn it. 3 damage? Yeah. Okay, wham. He takes a big old clonk in the head.

And staggers back. I always have to remember that three damage is actually pretty good in this game. Yeah, no, three damage is a beefy hit. Blake, it's your turn again. I want to just fucking nail this doctor right in the gonads with my foot. Okay. I just want to go, and just fucking launch my foot vertically into his groin. Okay. Or her. He or she. I did say his guy, though. Rolled in bones. Rolled in bones, dude. Nine. Nine.

Nine off of a brawl? That's a super duper success. Ooh, okay. Well, he got a 93, so you fucking clock him, dude. And because you did so well, I will say add an extra 1d4 damage on top of that. All right.

One plus four plus nine damage. Nine damage? Whoa. He's liquid. He passes out from the pain. Like, you've clock him so hard that if this was like the Zucker Brothers movie, like, his eyes would turn into little slot machines. And then, like, it would be like bar, bar, and then you'd fall over. Francis, witness that I kicked a man in the balls so hard he passed out. You too can achieve this power with discipline. The doctor is out.

Try to be a role model for Francis there. No, I appreciate it. Yeah, I'll try. To the hips. Goo number one sees his boss go down. Don't sugarcoat it. He saw his boss get kicked in the nuts so hard that he disappeared from this plane of consciousness. Goo number one scowls at you, but he's got more pressing matters to attend to. He is going to take

take a swing at Kelsey to try to keep her from breaking his buddy's neck. Don't worry, Kelsey. He'll be turned away from me, at which point I can deliver another devastating nut punch. I want to just take it. You just want to eat it? Yeah. I mean, it's not going to kill me. It's a punch, right? Yeah, it's a punch. Yeah, I got 11 HP. Yeah, but dodging doesn't hurt anything, right? I don't want to make you lose your grip. I don't want to lose this grip on this guy. This head is where I want it to be. All right.

I don't want the head to move. All right. Here's what we'll also say. Give me a luck roll. And this will be determined if he punches and then it hits like that really hard spot of your skull. And it goes, I mean, I have 15 luck. You ever like in the bare knuckle boxing movie where like the guy punches, then they're like, he leans into it and he hits him right in the really hard part. I thought you were saying it was going to kill me. If you get lucky, it'll hurt him. Oh, nice. It is not.

Okay, so here's going for sure. Lucky for you, he did drop his nightstick on the previous turn after biffing his last ult. I mean, that's why I took it. If it was a nightstick, I'd probably... That man has no hands. Look at his little grip. Couldn't even hang on to it. You gotta take a punch. He is going to roll a 1d3 plus 1d4. Well, that's a pretty big punch. 3 plus 3, so he hits you for 6. Whoa! Yeah.

So just you take this big meaty clock right to the skull. Well, hold up. He takes an injury now, right? Something that does more than half your HP in one hit. It's like, yeah. Oh shit. You're right. That counts as a major wound. I regret.

Everything. It was pretty macho. That was kind of cool. That was basically, I'm like, well, you know, I do 1d3, I didn't think you could, most of you could get three damage on a punch, maybe four, maybe five. I just got that damage bonus, dog. It's like the part when Thanos headbutts Captain Marvel, except Captain Marvel just died. Unfortunately, you are knocked off your block. Oh, no. And you collapse onto the ground. Give me a con- Okay. Okay.

You said if I did dodge, I would at least hold on to his head. Give me your constitution roll first. The constitution roll is to see if you fall unconscious. If you fall unconscious, you're letting go. No. You're going to death grip him. They're going to have to pry your fingers out of this one. What's the thing where you're fencing? Is that where you... I super pass my constitution roll.

I very much failed that. She's got a chin. I got 26 and my constitution is 54. So 27 is super. Okay. So you nailed it. So, okay. So yes, as a boxer, you've taken enough blows to the head to be able to grit this out. You're like, do I still get like a major wound or whatever? Yes, you do. Mark that down. Um, and that we'll say is a concussion. Okay. Cause you got fucking drained into your head. Um,

Can I see if this intimidates him? Sure. I have a bad intimidate. Well, I failed. It does not. So now you're crying while recording your podcast. Yeah, I think it looks cool, but I'm going like, oh! The second goon, the one who's pinned, is going to try to break loose. So he's going to do a fighting maneuver roll. And he got a 78. Nice. So he failed. Francis, it's your turn. I'm going to desperately look for a father figure in Blake and try to do the exact same thing to the nearest baddie.

But you're kicking him with a gun. Yes, I'm kicking him with a gun leg. Okay. Well, no, your gun leg is not in there. Or is it? Yeah, he has a gun leg. I have long sleeve pants. He's got pants over it. They don't know he's got a gun leg. Long sleeve pants. I like that. I got long sleeve pants. Okay, give me a fighting brawl roll. My fighting brawl is 71. And I rolled a 74.

I'm going to spend three luck to make that a success. He is going to do a dodge. 40, he rolled a 46. So you make contact. Pow! This is like a club, basically. Because you're kicking him with a big fucking thing of wood. That feels appropriate. Give me a 1d6 plus your damage bonus.

Anthony, I will say, if you want to use your freebie to also shoot this guy in the balls with Brunhilde after giving his kick, Brunhilde would absolutely be okay with it.

As much as Anthony wants it, I think Francis is going to save it. Francis is wiser than that. Okay, so he's now taken three damage. Kelsey, it is now your turn. Blake. Yes? I want you to put a gun to this dude's head that I have pinned. Yes. And let's just, you know, let's talk this out. You know, put the gun to the head and be like, what's going on? Yeah, okay, okay.

And then, you know, if it feels like that's not going to work out, you can always just pull that trigger. That's what the index finger's for. The index finger's for. You tell me, I don't want turns to happen before that happens. So I guess I can grab Blake's gun and do it myself, but I'd rather Blake do it. What we'll say then is you're going to move your turn to after...

blake well i could even do it to the doctor who's unconscious too that's true but he's not gonna i'm a living guy sniveling you know please oh yeah i got it okay yeah you can do that or i could just grab the gun and do it myself i guess if it's my turn then i don't want to hold my turn until blake's turn why don't you get your bowling ball out of the bag and hover it over his head oh shit you're gonna fucking okay but then you can't do that and hold on to him fuck

I thought you were just going to snap this guy's neck. I thought that was the plan. No, I don't want to kill him necessarily. Okay. All right. Fair enough. Do we want to kill him? It seems pretty late in the game to get squeamish about killing people, but all right. He's got butterfingers. Team, what do you want me to do? I would kill him. I like what you're doing there. Split vote. Split vote. It's your vote. This man's life is in your hands, Beth.

I guess let's hear what he has to say. Not to Blake to toss the gun to me. We're going to hold your turn and then you will go after Blake. No goons are going to go between you and Blake. Okay, that's all I'm concerned about. That's all I'm making sure. No goons will go. All right. So Kelsey, you're holding your turn until after Blake. Trudy, what would you like to do? I'm going to kill a man.

Rules for thee, but not for me. I will say you still see this moth hovering doodle-fully on your nose. Yeah, I'm going to also hold my turn. All right, Blake, it's now your turn. I'm going to take my gun and jam it into the guy's mouth and go taste steel. Beg, coward. Beg for your life. We will go ahead and say you guys are out of combat then. I don't want to make you guys do willpower rolls for this fucking movie playing.

It's his turn, then my turn, right? Yeah. Blake, shoot the projector. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Good call. Okay. And then toss me the gun and I'll put the gun in the guy's mouth. Nice. Oh, what a cool montage. Yeah.

I don't know if that's really a montage. Just try to... Such a quick shot. We do a bunch of fading. I guess in the truly Eisenstein-ian concept of what a montage... Yeah, Eisenstein's not been around yet. He hasn't done Potemkin. Yes, he has. He definitely has. Anyway. I want to do what Matt said. I want to shoot the projector lens out. So he didn't have to worry about looking at it. Oh, that's true too, actually. Yeah, unfortunately. Couldn't I just shoot the projector from below? Describe what you want to do to me. Not to me. Whoa! Describe what you want to do...

comma, to me. Oh, weird. I got a phone call from Will here. What is he saying? Can Matt describe what he wants him to be? I want to go underneath where the projector sort of portal is. I want to aim directly where the projector would be using my powers of spatial extrapolation. You can see it. You can look up at it. You're literally underneath part of the projector. Part of the projector is protruding from the wall, so you can literally see the projector. Or you can stick your hand in there and just blind fire at it if you want.

I'm going to just put the gun right up against it and pull the trigger. Great. All right. The projector explodes. The film powers down. The image flickers shut. And then I toss the gun to Kelsey. And I grab it. Okay. And I say, eat. And I put the gun in the guy's mouth. And then I pull the trigger. Oh, no. I pull the hammer. You got to have it yourself. Eat. And then I kill him.

Well, hold on. Am I close to Kelsey? That's your whole cool one-liner now, officially, is eat. That's the one people know you for. What did Matt say? He pulls the trigger. Matt said... Yeah, I think the trigger's a hammer. The trigger's a hammer. All right, Matt. I think it's fair if you want to do... Here's what we'll do. I was...

That's such a fucking hard ass thing to say to someone before you shoot them in the mouth. Eat. Damn, Kelsey. Kelsey's hardcore. Kelsey, give me a luck roll.

Oh no. Eat. I don't use guns. This is why you don't play with guns. Blake is like, 94. No! No! I pressed the wrong... Oh, you were trying to say... I was going to pull the hammer back and say pray. But I said trigger.

And I think that's fair that my slip, you know, is team. We got to teach the lesson. That's why you don't play with gun. Oh, just also because we've established your up close and personal trauma with violence. Go ahead and give me a sanity roll as well. Fuck. Kelsey, you just, you shot his head off. Why'd you say eat? I meant... Damn, Kelsey, I've met some hard motherfuckers in my time. I was going to say, I didn't mean to shoot him. I pressed...

Kelsey, Kelsey. I dropped the gun. Kelsey, calm down. Remember, if you did this only four years ago, they would have given you a medal. My sanity is 43 and I got 39. So I passed the sanity. In the right context, Kelsey, you could be a hero. You guys are officially not attacking the other guy, right? Or what are you? There's still one guy up. There's still one guy. I mean, we say, look, we're just a boy. Look upon our works and despair. Yeah.

Eat! We just want to see you. We want to eat. We are hungry. We had a big match and we just want to see the moth. That's why we want to see the big moth guy in your cool building. What's going on? You are very special, aren't you? Wow. Is this a goon talking or a doctor? This is the goon. This is the sole goon left. I mean, yeah, we are specialists. We won a competition. It's okay. You're meant to be here.

You're meant to be with us. Just sit back in your seats. What is he saying? I think this motherfucker wants to eat. Oh, no. Oh, no. I think this motherfucker wants to eat. Oh, God.

Alright, give me a fire. No, I appreciate it. I just pointed a gun at him. I want to stop talking. He's... He broke Anthony. Oh, no. Oh, shit.

It's okay. Everything's fine. You're here for a reason. Just sit back down and listen to the words of our director. We can't understand them. Kelsey, it's time to unload. And he goes, Kelsey, smoke this fool. I'll just go ahead and get the projector set back up. Kelsey, smoke this fool. He's going to set up the projector that I shot. He starts walking over to the door to lock it again. I shoot. Okay.

Give me a firearm. Oh, man, why do I have the gun? 40. My firearm's not great. How's your firearm? That's pretty good. That's twice as good as mine. No, no, no. I rolled a 40. My firearm. Remember, he's pretty close to you, so I'll give you that bonus dice because he's within 15 feet. Okay, and my firearm is 25. That's still slightly better. Four. So exact same thing. Four, zero. So I fail. It's so fucked that it would be better if you threw the gun at him hard. Yeah. Okay, so the shot misses? Yeah. He just turns around and it's like, I don't understand. You don't want...

To see what we have to show you? I want to run at him and do a flying jump kick like Mayor Hagar. Like Black Widow? No, like Mayor Hagar in Final Fight, dude. All right, give me a... The two... You know what I'm talking about, Anthony, right? He's in the overalls and he does the two sideways. Give me a fighting brawl roll. I got 97.

So I just like sail. Okay. Yes. You see, just, he just sort of like looks at you confused as you fly and crumple into the wall. And he's like, Oh no, let me help you, sir. And he picks you back up and starts bringing you back. Just sit in your seat. I'm going to kick him in the nuts. I might throw the bowling ball at him. Jesus. I'm going to be the fucking end boss. Better luck tomorrow. You guys are just like, it's like fucking blood simple over here. Trudy, give me your fighting brawl roll.

Oh my god, I got an 11!

You got an 11? Yes. Okay, great. He's not fighting back because he realizes he's outnumbered and he's just trying to be nice and convince you guys to sit down and watch this beautiful film. Roll damage for me, Trudy. I got a five. And then my D4 damage bonus, I got a four. Kelsey, I kicked a man in his balls so hard with a roll like that. You hear his skull fracture as you hit him with this thing. Yikes. But he does stay standing. Oh! And he just turns and looks at you and his blood's trickling down his nose and he says,

But you must see. You're meant to be here. I can't understand you. You must see. He fumbles over to the doctor and he picks up the doctor has this radio on him. Oh, no. He starts turning the dials. Let's do the thing. Let's do something. Let's finish this guy out. Let's just start beating. All forces are beating his ass. He just fumbles over.

Ches has his spaceship. He just all forces. Just beat his ass. He's like a printer in office space. He just puts it down on the ground so he won't stop. Ches says that when he's done doing what he wants to do. Yeah, what's the stats? I'm not going to make you all for it. You guys just knock him out. Are you just trying to kill him or are you just trying to knock him out? We're just trying to stop him from doing those things. No, we're trying to stomp him. That's right. We're trying to stomp his ass. You just knock him out if that's okay. We'll knock him out. Just, yes. Paint me the picture.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we painted a picture with his fucking sprains on the fucking... Imagine the scene from Office Space. I'll do the soundtrack. Die, motherfucker. Die, motherfucker. And then we're just left there with three bodies. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. He's knocked out. He's splayed on the ground. The projector is broken and lies smoking in the room. The door is closed. But not locked. He was going to lock it. But not locked. I saw a moth. Oh, here? Is it still in here? I don't know.

I don't know. Yeah, you see the moth like kind of flutters around and looks at all of you. Yes, it's here. I bet it's going to lead us to him. Do you think? I think so. I hope so. I mean, it seems like the thing they wanted to do was the screen. It'd be weird if in addition to that, they also like this moth is really going to fuck him up. Well, there's two options. Either it's moth for Moth Jesus and it's going to lead us to him or it's just a moth and we'll open the door and the moth will just do the moth thing. Ha ha ha.

And then they will happen. But are you taking point? I'm taking point. How many bullets do I have in the gun? Three bullets left? Three. I'm going to crack the door open and see what happens to the moth. The moth looks out the door. Whoa. And then it flutters around. That's so cute. I just had a little image of a little moth. Yeah. Peeking around the corner. And then it flutters away from the door and over to a large vent. Whoa.

Is it a man-sized vent? You bet your ass it is. This is a fucking TTRPG. And it sort of like points to the vent as much as a moth can do such a thing. Oh, wow! It's pointy!

And it sort of flutters at you. And as it does that, you hear the radio on the doctor's hand sort of sparks to life. Is everything okay? What is going on with the bowling team? We heard noises. We heard what sounded like loud bang. Everything's fine here now. Just give us a few seconds to lock it down. Do you need help? Do you require assistance with the Lithuanian bowlers? Nah. Negative, negative. We got a leak here. Who's doing a thing and who's doing jokes? I'm doing jokes.

I get on the thing and say, everything is under control. Everything is okay? Projector malfunction. We fixed it. Is the bowling team subdued? There's a gas leak here. Give us a second to look it down. Jesus Christ. Give me a persuade roll, Freddy. Persuade? Or we can call that fast talk if you want. I don't want to call it fast talk. I want to call it persuade. You understand?

44 out of 21. Oof. So then, yeah, you hear a voice say, who is this? Uh, uh, you're coming in. Hard to hear you. And I smash the radio. Boring conversation anyway. Boring conversation anyway. No, no, no. I don't smash the radio. I just turn it off and I hang on to it. Nice. I was going to say, tell them to bunker down that they're coming with guns. Oh, good call. Good call. I turn it back on. They've escaped! They've escaped! Ah!

Eat! They're crazy and they've escaped. They're coming for guns with guns. Okay, give me another persuade roll with advantage because everyone was doing such a good job making sound effects.

95. Okay, so he's like, who is this? This is Lithuanian bowler. Yes, remain calm. Everything is fine. We are sending a new team to come security. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the movie. A new Lithuanian bowling team? You hear a click, and then you just hear the most mild of alarms go off outside. Let's get in the vent.

Kelsey wants to pile the bodies in front of the door. Nice. Very good. Okay, so then you guys are going over the vent? Yeah, and the head one, I want that one to be visible. Like, when they open the door, I want that's the one they see. What if we bring the doctor with us as a hostage? I want to drag his ass all the way up to this vent. The moth has an idea. The moth flutters over to the bodies and then, like, sits down on one of them. We should sit on them. Okay.

And like kind of wiggles into like under the clothes. Oh. And then like pokes its head out from under the clothes. I strip these three men naked. I put their naked bodies in front of the door and we'll figure out how we wear these costumes later once we're in the vent. I've never bought this as a strategy. I feel like I pretty much know the people I work with. If somebody came into the soda drink shop wearing my friend's clothes. Crumpled up and full of blood. Yeah, I'd be like, ah. But there's only like five of us. Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. If somebody came in with your clothes, if somebody came in with a t-shirt that said sloppy steaks, I would think it was you. That's all you characters, Rantle. Anthony, I'm sorry, but I feel like I would let somebody else in if they were wearing a sloppy steak suit. I'm Polly Emerson autistic. Let me in. I would be like,

Anthony. Anthony got a lot nicer. Should we take all the clothes? Yes. Okay. Even if we don't wear them, it'll be perfect misdirection. They will come in. They will see all these naked people. Yeah, they'll be confused. Surely they are dressed like us, but little do they know. We're not. Wait. Yeah.

They're going to come in and see the bodies of the clothes. That means they immediately know we're going to be dressed as those guys. Unless we don't dress as them, Anthony. Okay, so we're going to hide their clothes somewhere? Yes, correct. The ultimate misdirection. Kelsey, you've clearly infiltrated government facilities. I will take their badges, though, so that we can get access to any secret doors that they might have. Oh, that's clever. Yes, you see. Also,

what you're presuming with this plan is that if we, dressed like bowlers, walk past, they're going to go, nah, those guys are definitely not scientists. We're looking for scientists. Well, they are looking for scientists. Look, we have infinite. Which we will not be dressed as. This game has infinite inventory as far as we can tell, so let's just grab the clothes in case we need it later. All right. It's like a point and click adventure. Yeah. Where will this fishing rod come into play? The guy who ate the bullet, I'm,

Rip the clothes off them, and I put that corpse against the door first. Okay. Anybody else taking another corpse or just, oh, Scott, she's all by herself. Anybody else doing this, Judy? I'll help as much as I can. We're all helping. So you strip the clothes off of everybody. You don't wear them and put them into like a little. We're holding them. Just got like a little bindle bundle. We got our bowling bags. Oh, that's right. Stuff the clothes in your bowling bags. And then we go to the vet. Oh, question, question, question, question. Do we find anything in their pockets?

seats. Well, Beth already searched their pockets. You find like some badges so you know their names. We don't, uh, key cards. We don't need those. And then, um, yeah, you've got, they each had a radio on them. And one anime keychain. No, the anime didn't exist yet, Freddie. Did any of them have little sweets? Little sweets? Little sweets? Literally sweeties? No, dude, these people don't eat sweets. They, um. They have no God nor sweets. One of them had like crumbled up cracker crumbs in his pockets. That's why communism doesn't work. Like,

I want to get a little sugar water for the little moth, but that's okay. Sugar, water, sugar, water, water. Sugar, water. As we go in the vent, can we inspect the vent? How do we get in? In the vent, Shiji. All right, so. Oh, and we leave the door wide open as if we ran out that way. Yes. No, we're using the bodies to block the door. Oh.

Oh, good call. Good call. The door is blocked and we're in the vents. Yeah. Either way, somebody should stay behind and pull the vent cover back onto the vent. Yes. Yeah. We want to get in the vent and pull the cover. That could be the moth's job. I don't think the moth's going to be able to do that. We can do it. We have mind control juice. We have to leave for Timmy. It's not complicated. Hey, we were saving that. Will let us already do this. Will said we could get in the vent and close it behind us. It's already done. We did it. We did it. We did it. We did it. We don't got to figure anything else out. We're in the vent. We're in the vent.

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Achoo! We are in the vents now. You guys are scooting and squishing through this vent. What's our order? Yeah, what's your stack? Who's behind the moth? I think Trudy is following us. I think Blake should be in the back with a gun pointing towards the vent. I'm scooting back, like, with my ankle pointing back towards the thing, you know, like, eh, eh.

I'm behind Trudy. You're behind Trudy. So girls in front, boys in back. Women in front. Thank you. All right, so you're scooting and shuffling. This moth is leading you along. And as you're worming your way through this thing, through the slats, you start to see little glimpses of this massive complex that you're in among the sights you see. You hear, again, this sort of like chill boop.

Of the sort of like mildly concerned alarm going off around you. Mildly concerned alarm. Everyone's like, hey, something's going wrong. But everyone's very calm about it. Interesting. You see scientists and more sort of guards like sort of walking through the hallways, keeping an eye out. As you look down into this room where there's just three weird guys in what seem like old timey diving suits just standing around in a small room. Give me a listen roll. As required, I'm going to hold up one of the many things we got from the close, which is that syringe the doctor had.

doctor had. Oh, I like that. I'll make sure that we know that we have it. Yeah, like that in your teeth or something like that? Yeah, my teeth. Listen. Who has the best listen? I have 40. Better than mine. Better than mine. All right, I'm rolling. I got a 28. The dudes below you in the diving suits. The dudes below us? They're just standing there, but you can barely make out the muffled sound of them crying. Through their penis. They're crying? They're just standing in this room kind of facing each other, and then you just hear like light muffled sobs.

This is wonderful. Like if we stayed there a little while longer, they would just continue to do that. Are they saying anything during their quest? You want to stay there? You could stay there if you want. Do you want to stay and wait? I guess we can keep going. We have to keep moving. Keep moving. It's like a slow horror ride. As you...

As you scooch around, you hear like a sort of jackhammering sound off in the distance and you approach one of these vents and through it, you see this big hangar bay and you see Mothman's ship inside. A couple of these guys are just basically trying to break the door down, but they're having zero luck whatsoever. They're just pounding at the door. How do they get Mothman? How do we know they have no luck?

Those guys, remember, they have zero luck. So if we keep it, remember, according to Will, the people in the hangar have zero luck. So they can't spend any luck. We'll just say they're having no luck. They're not successfully getting into the ship. How do you think they got Mothman out? Do you think Timmy's still in there? I don't know. We didn't see Timmy in the video, right? No, you've not seen Timmy. You've not seen hide nor hair of Timmy. Does the ship look like it has any carpenters on it?

on it. What does that mean? Like bullet holes and stuff. Why did you just say bullet holes? Because I was making a Star Wars reference. Carbon scoring. Well, actually, yes, there is because you see people have been trying to go at this thing with a blowtorch, drills. Nothing has had any effect. They're trying to get in. They're trying to get in. There must be a code that Mothman has set. I have a feeling that knowing Mothman, I bet if you went in there, it would probably open for you. That's my guess. Well, that's the last thing we should do then. Yeah, because I'm scared that if we get in and we find Timmy, what are we going to do then? How are we going to get out? We don't know how to fly.

And the reason they want to get in could be really fucked. There could be like a nuke on there or something. We don't want to let him get in any sooner than we have to. Yeah, stupid idea, Kelsey. Keep moving. No, Mothman would not put a nuke on ship with my son. I mean, maybe it came with a nuke. No, he wants to eat the world at some point. Remember? At some point.

Oh, wait, Kelsey. This is Matt thinking in Doctor Who logic, where he's like, if we get into the TARDIS, he'll bring us to the doctor. So we can move on. The TARDIS, no? Let's go, TARDIS. Maybe Timmy's in there. Maybe Timmy's in there. That would be good. I hope Timmy's safe in there. I'm sure he is. I hope the TARDIS can bring us to the doctor. It always does. God, what a stupid show. How dare you? How dare you? The moths kind of like...

floats up to you guys and is like, you want to keep going? Oh, sure. No, it doesn't say that. It's just... It does it with the body language. Yeah, we keep going. It says it in Russian, it's only Blake in here. I didn't realize that this tour was just look and no talk. No, no, no, no, no. The monster wants you to process all the things you're saying. It's just also like, there's again... We got to keep going. We got to keep going. You continue your trek down another window. You see a big,

room with like a one 24th scale model of the entire town of Peachyville. Just like meticulously recreated. There's a guy in a robe, like waving incense over it. Who knows what the fuck he's doing? I can see my house from here. There's one Matt Arnold looking dude, just killing it on the miniatures. What?

He's getting his dick sucked too. He's surrounded by babes. Try painting a miniature while this happens. Wait, what's that? Oh, she's pretty good, isn't she? Try painting a miniature. That's the sword fantasy. You got the line? Try painting a miniature while this happens. Yeah, he specifically says try to hack while this happens. Fucking YouTube...

thumbnail ass fucking thing. You won't believe what happened when I tried to paint this mini. Trying to hack while this happens. Try to paint a mini while not gacking. And finally you come to a Finally you come?

Good day. Good day. Finally, you arrive at the sort of like end of the line here and you arrive at a vent that is peering down at what appears to be like a security room. Security camera. There's a guard looking at a bunch of monitors. He's very just sort of enraptured, just staring at these monitors below you. It's nice to love your job. And the moth slips through and goes into the security room and like just kind of perches on top of this bank of monitors. And how many people are in the security room? Just one. Oh.

I have an idea. Go. In Project Heartland, we were guided by Arlo, the computer dog. Maybe there's a Russian Arlo. Arlovich. Yes. I don't know if there's any evidence that that thing exists. Oh.

Oh, I just thought, you know, if we could hack into the security system somehow. Well, Trudy, are you not part computer? You can hack. You're right. You speak the language. You know Unix systems. It's a Unix system. I know this. I want to slowly open the vent. Stealth or dexterity, whichever you want. Wait, if it's stealth, we should let the stealthiest person do it. That's me. That's Francis. Francis is not in the front. Yeah, but we can't move around.

We're going to all walk over the vent until Francis gets to the vent. It's like a train. Yeah. Okay, great. They can unload the train car at any point, right? The train just has to go a little further. You guys scooch through the vent so that Francis is at the vent. Unfortunately, I rolled a 32, so it's only a super success because I have a 90 stuff, baby. So yes, you carefully, cautiously open this vent.

There's now nothing but wide open air between you and the top of this guy's head. I guess I'm the biggest. I could just drop on him. And then you guys can hop down and I'll help you down. Okay, but you have to drop on him quietly. Yeah, I mean... That means it's not going to matter once he eats it. Yeah. Well, maybe he has friends nearby. That's a really good point, actually. I should take that back. I'm going to drop down. If I look up worried...

That means there's more friends. If I look happy, that means there's nobody else in here. Okay. You crossed over it, so you're going to have to back up out. Where is your bowling ball bag? With me. Okay, so it's like in front of you? You just drop a bowling ball. I'm going to hold my bowling ball.

I'm going to drop down. And yes, I'm going to try to make the bowling ball hit him on the way down. But I'm also just landing on him. Okay. I love that. I don't even think this is like an attack roll. I just land on him. Yeah, you just land on him. Gravity happens. All right. That's a sequel to Gravity Falls. Gravity happens.

And then the other three people fall and we just beat his ass. Just all four of us. Yeah, distract him long enough for each one of his individuals to come in and fall on him as well. Four people beat his ass also. I think we've got a way to break this game. Turns out if you just beat everybody's ass, you're fine. Turns out if you're four people just rolling dice and swinging fists, nothing can stop you. You don't want to get in the middle of these four players. They should beat your ass. All four of them at once.

Use fall damage rules. 1d6 per 10 feet. And so then a fall from a ceiling vent would be 1d6. Okay. All right. Yeah. Give me a 1d6. But do I get like less damage because I'm landing on him instead of like the ground? No, this is for him. This is call an ambulance, but not for me. This is 1d6 damage for him. Hell yeah. He takes one. I will let you spice it up a little bit if you're holding the bowling ball under you and you're going to clonk him in the head because it'll be the sort of concentrated force of the bowling ball. Give me a 1d4 for the bowling ball. Nice.

Two. Three damage. Okay. You land on him. I heard him. You've basically just clonked this guy onto the ground. What is everybody else doing? I'm watching for Kelsey to smile or grimace. Is there anybody else in this room? No, he's the only one in there.

Okay. I hopped down too, but I tried not to land on Kelsey. Okay. That's what that motion was. Yeah. It was like a little dance. Yeah. I was trying to. When you're hanging on to something, you can kind of like slither an air to like not land where you thought you were going to land. Okay. So you're not trying to land on the guy. I'm not trying to land on Kelsey. Okay. Well, Kelsey's on top of the guy. So you're just trying to land in the room. Yeah. Yeah.

She's trying to land. So there's like, imagine there's like four corners around the guy. That if one person was in each corner, he could just beat their ass. So she's landing on one of the different corners of Kelsey. And everybody else is going to land around him. Great. All right. You all do that. And then Kelsey, give me a fighting maneuver roll to assume grapple this guy so your friends could beat his ass, right? Yeah.

Fine brawl, 60, and I got a 48. Okay, great. So you grapple him. He's going to get one chance to break out. Okay. And then the rest of you are going to get a chance to beat the shit out of him. You know those videos of white blood cells that surround the virus? That's just how we're moving through this space. He got a 91. Nice. So he wriggles. He's just very confused. And now, yes, die motherfuckers from off the space starts playing. Eat, eat, eat, eat.

This is why we're called guttural scream. Yeah. I'm going to kick him in the gut. So we just pan out of the room as you hear thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. Guys, if we just keep isolating bad guys one by one, we could do this literally forever. Hell yeah.

Let's look at what he's watching. Somebody should make like a Belgar's all game where you move with four people. That'd be so fun.

The ass beeper game. Oh, shit. We come back and I don't know if you've tied him up or. Yeah, we tie him up. Okay. What's left of him. That ass looks pretty fucking beat. He's dead. He's tied up. Trudy, do you want to talk to Moth? What do we do now we're in here? I guess we look at what he was watching. Oh.

Security cameras. Yes, you see this bank of monitors in front of you that are showing you little blips and blorps from throughout the facility. Moth, which one should I look at? The moth lands on a camera called Director's Office. And it's the same glowing pile of scrap that you saw in the footage before you all got temporarily hypnotized. But it's glowing and radiating. And even again, the image of the monitor seems to even be a little bit more staticky. Like there's just something powerful coming off of this thing.

In front of it, the camera switches to another angle in the room, and you see that Mothman is shackled to like a post, just like tied up in front of this thing. Oh, gosh. And he's sort of writhing and groaning, but resisting some horrible thing that's trying to take hold of him. Oh, no. And the moth like wiggles over and like crawls across the screen. And then as you're watching, you see a door slide open in the footage.

and two guys in those diving suit kind of apparatuses step in, and they're dragging someone with them. And it is the bus driver who picked you up in the middle of the woods. It's like a member of your spy team, essentially. Oh, no. The guy who seems to have gotten caught. He's all beat up. They must have had four guys. LAUGHTER

Holy shit! As he gets dragged closer and closer to this glowing radioactive pile of metal, he just starts screaming and struggling. He's like, no, no, please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! And you can literally see him starting to fall apart as he's dragged towards it. Like, his skin burns more and more, and he's like,

start appearing on his face and his eyeballs start to bleed. And by the time they've brought him up, he's just basically a pile of gooey flesh and bone. And then nothing happens to the guys in the suits. Nothing happens to the guys in the suits. The guys in the suits turn around and walk back out the

Moth Jesus is attached to how? He's just like Christ-like shackled to. Yeah, he's just like tied up. No, straight up like Christ. What is this, Neon Genesis Evangelion? He's sort of Neon Genesis to a post. So he's got shackles. Yeah, he's like tied up. We also like, we don't necessarily have to get that close to like find a, like we can find a way to break the shackles from far. I think Trudy starts freaking out. Like, how are we, how are we supposed to,

How are we supposed to do this? How are we supposed to get that close to a very dangerous thing to help Moth Jesus to help my son to get the ship out of here? It's just impossible. I'm sure Timmy is safe. I'm sure that's why Moth Jesus would keep him in the ship.

Right? Yes. And they can't get in the ship. And it looks like those suits are safe. So we just got to get to those suits and we got to get Moth Jesus. But they were crying in the suits. Maybe they're little bitches. Oh. I mean. Can we consider that? No, I hadn't. All the people were crying that were waiting in there. Yes. It may still affect you. Maybe you just got to do it really fast. Okay. Even with the suits, maybe it really hurts you getting close to it. Yeah. But we still got to save Moth Jesus. Yes. So let's find our way to that room. Moth.

The moth just looks at you. Can you hack this? Can you fly from one camera to, like, you know the layout of this place, right? Just lead us to where Moth Jesus is. Are you going to spot the moth? No, we need to go where the suits are. Oh, yeah. Suits first, and then to Moth Jesus. As the moth flies across the panel, you see a couple of things. You see the director's office, this room. Outside of it, you see...

a reception area in front of the director's office with this person slumped up over a desk that appears to be the director's receptionist. You see on another monitor... Are they, like, slumped up, like, dead? Or, like... They're just, like, slumped over. Just not dead, but just, like... Okay. Just barely hanging on. Oh, okay. So something's happening to them. Yeah, and again, each one of these little things are labeled, the camera. You see a commissary where there's a bunch of these smiling, sunburned people just sort of all eating...

bowls of slop, basically just bowls of gruel silently at these long cafeteria tables. You do see a couple of guys in those diving suit apparatus in the commissary. They're just standing under a spigot and having this like slop dumped into the top of their helmets. Wow. Like the same slop they're eating? Yeah. Oh, cool. That's great. You see a camera marked human resources and you see this old grandmotherly lady like with a bunch of candles and incense and, you know, in this sort of weird librarian office. I would be careful. Oh,

We want the suits. Can we see in any of the cameras? Yes, you see a camera that is the room where the three guys were standing. Yeah. And are there like suits like empty? Like, is that where they store suits? No, that's just there's three guys. Okay. We can't see any places. Not that you can see. And we can deduce that because they're literally feeding them in the suits. That they're people. I don't know that, but also that like.

It must be hard to get in and out or they just stay in them for a long time. Yeah, that's very fair. Because like if it was easy to get in and out, they would just take their helmets off and eat like a normal person. That's totally true. But they still have to like have some way of getting them out. Yeah. How do they pee? Probably just in the suit. Oh. Kind of a dream. They probably have a hole at the top of the head where the slop comes in. And then they have like their shoes are kind of like little filters. That means we have two points of ingress, baby. Yeah. The shoes are probably like little like strainers. So only the pee can come out, but never two stays in the boot with you.

It's like a sim. It's like a sim. The last monitor you see is a monitor that says informational terminal parentheses Laika. Laika like the dog. A microphone on a table next to a jar of milk bone treats. Oh, shit. You were right. We have to.

What do you think? Should we go to where Laika is? That seems like a good idea. Pretty fucking good. Okay. Well, we're all here now. We might as well like, you know, I'm not saying it's the perfect disguise, but it might be better if we look like scientists, like just a glance. It's probably better than our current clothes. Kelsey, you can't wear the doctor's outfit. Why not? You're a woman. Doctors can't be women. I mean,

I mean, women can't be doctors. Oh, that's true. We should dress like the job that we want. And I don't want to be a doctor. I want to be a teacher. So Blake, you can have the doctor's outfit. Very good. I'll have a guard outfit. Oh, wow. I'm a big, strong guard now. Yes. Drew, are you a guard too? We all got to be guards. I'll be a guard. Let's hear your guard voice. Oh.

Oi, what's all this, isn't it? Oi, what's all this then? No, don't you intimidate her. I'm just wondering, Francis, you tell us how to be a guard then. Hey, motherfucker.

All right. We got it locked in. All right. Great. We're locked in. I think we try not to talk if we don't have to. All right, Moth. The Moth leads you out the hallway. Confidently, like you got somewhere to be. You're not looking at anybody for anything. Yeah. Who's got the highest disguise skill? I have 40. I have five. Wow. Five. Five. Pretty crazy that none of us have disguises would matter in this game. I thought. Yeah. Good job. Thanks, man. You got an eight? Yeah. Oh, spend that three luck. Yeah. Why not? Well, let's see what Trudy rolls. All right. Trudy, roll the bones.

82. I will spend three luck. It's a group. It's whoever, one of you makes it. I'm going to let the group do it. And next time I will do the role. So you guys don't know how good your disguise is, but I will allow it for now. We also walk like a flying V. So that way we can always just like, you know, it's like just around somebody like, you know, like a clause of death. So,

I don't think you can do a flying V with four people. Yeah. Who's at the center of the V? Think about a square. Four people on a square, they just open that up. Here's what it is. The two people are kind of side by side. The other two in the wings are ready to close off any avenues of escape. It's really just two people a little wider and farther. If you have to run, you turn around. Now you got a tip of the spear.

Just to clarify, I just want to make sure you understand. If we turn around, we actually move so we reverse back into the flying V. We never fly tip of the spear. We always go into ass trap. Yes, ass trap. All right. So, yeah, you manage to, in your flying V formation, walk down the hall. You pass one or two other people on their way, but they don't suspect anything. They give you a friendly wave even. This is the first time Francis has ever looked confident in his life.

Wow. And yeah, you make it to this room, the information room. The door is unlocked and you step inside. And sure enough, you find yourselves once again at a little desk. And in front of the desk, you see a horrifically medically altered...

with a bunch of wires poking out of it. It's not a severed head like Arlo, but Laika is like jacked into a bunch of electro tubes and wires and is in kind of like an iron lung situation. Man, we really are more similar than we are different, huh? Laika sees you coming and says, Approach! Who goes there? Is he speaking English or Russian? He's speaking Russian. Okay. Okay.

Who goes there? Who is this? I will speak. Hello. Who are you? Who is this? You are no smell. What should I say? You should ask. Who is talking? Who are you talking to? You should ask. Who's a good boy? Why do you speak in English? Who's a good boy? A girl. Sorry. Like as a girl. Who's a good girl? Who is a good girl? What is this code you speak? I only answer questions for treats. Laika is strong dog, but Laika needs a reward. Give me treat. What is a treat? There's a box of them. Yeah. Ah.

So you see this jar and there are four milk bones in the jar. So we get four questions. So we have four things we can ask in return for treats. Oh, okay. Yes. Great. Shall we arrive at consensus for what the questions we should ask? We should ask what is happening at the elephant's foot that destroys people? I think the first question we should ask is, who's a good girl to give her a treat? And Laika's like...

Laika is a good girl. Laika is a good Soviet girl. Laika is a good cosmonaut. Sorry, it just feels like we should just give her one without, you know, expecting anything from her. She's a nice dog. That's fair. We've got three questions. Question number one, Laika.

Oh, over here. Over here. Yes. What is going on with the elephant's foot that causes everybody to go crazy and get hurt? Elephant's foot? What do you mean by elephant's foot? The room with the big lowy thing. Ah, yes. You mean the site director? Yes. That thing itself is the site director? Ah, two treats gone. I will not answer that question. Another treat. Give me another treat. That's fine.

That doesn't count. We inferred it. We inferred it. Okay, so no. So that is the director. The site director. Oh, this is a very busy day. Today is a big, great, glorious day for Project Motherland. You see, we have captured the spaceman, the space moth, and the director is busy.

I relay that. Okay.

Can we ask if there's an American boy they found? No, don't. No? You don't want to ask Laika? Because if they haven't, then you just told them that there is one. Oh, okay. Well, it's just Laika. Okay. You don't want to know if Timmy's here? What should we do? Should we ask? We can assume that Timmy is here. You are right. We must be careful of what strange information we feed.

Into this, yes. Would it be worth asking, like, where are the spare diving suits or, like, how to get into the diving suits easily? That's a good idea. Well, maybe ask, because we can find diving suits, maybe ask why they're crying in there so we know how dangerous it is to go to it. Yes, like the men who are crying. Oh, over here, over here. Look at trees. Look at trees.

Why are they crying so? What is so dangerous about that? First, give me a treat. Well, start your answer. Forgive me a treat, and then I will answer. Okay. You speak of the office technicians, the director's office technicians. Yes, the men who are permitted to walk in and out of the room. It is a very strenuous job, psychologically, mentally, and it is also a job you once you do, you do forever. So it is very sad life. We let them cry. Okay. So maybe it's not the suit. Also very painful.

Suit very painful. Just having the suit on is very painful. We let them cry because suit is painful and life is hard. Oh, that's fair. What else? What else? What if we... How many cookies have you eaten? One. I only see one more cookie. That's true. Try breaking the treat in half.

I break the treat in half. Like away from him. King Solomon over here. You break the treat in half? Yeah. Okay, you're right. We only have one more treat and I can't hold the other one. So we'll see if they notice if only half the treat goes into the mouth. Give me a stealth roll to break the treat without like a hearing.

I failed. I got 36. Who broke treats? Who broke the treat? Slippery fingers. It's all the same once it goes in. I better taste two separate treats in my mouth for next treat. We have one more question. Perhaps we can dangle this treat in front of Laika in exchange for hardcore shit like full system shutdown or what have you. Mm.

You know? Oh, yeah. I'll get her to hax. Moth Jesus can open the ship. We're assuming Timmy's in the ship. Once we get Moth Jesus, we just gotta run to the ship. We gotta find a way to get Moth Jesus out of that room. Yes. Now, Moth Jesus appears to be on some kind of crazy cross. Oh, yeah. Maybe ask if there's a way to... Like, we don't know if the shackles are just purely mechanical or if they're like, you know... True. Are they attached to a machine? Like, is there a way to unhook him? Ah, here we go. Let me ask that. I have an idea. Laika, this is an unscheduled drill. We need...

to release Mothman as a test of our security systems. What's the easiest way to do that? I have two treats. I know you do not have two treats. I heard the break. I heard only one treat. But the experience will be like having two treats. Ha ha ha!

Oh, great. Would you like to do this for a treat? Well, you might know where they keep the treats, right? Laika, hear me out. A bargain. The answer to this question leads to many treats. No.

And you see, you hear like, the coolant fans in the room are like working hard. Cause like, this is like a level of abstract thought. Like it hasn't had to do it a while. You say, I help you and you help me get better.

many treats? All treats. You're a communist. It feels like you should sort of have that idea baked in. Well, communism is not the idea of one person having many treats. It is the idea of all people having equal number of treats. That's a really good point. If you were a real communist, you would know this. I just, you know, you scratch my back, I scratch your thing.

That's fine. For each according to his needs. We're not worried about who believes what. We're just talking about treats here, and we all believe you should get more treats. Yes. Also, real communists would just help their fellow communists even if they didn't have treats.

There is one room I do not know anything about. I know only name of room. What? It is called treat room. I have really good news for you, Laika. Treat room is in reception area of director's office, but I do not know what is inside treat room. They will not show me, no matter how much Laika begs. Laika?

Yes. Can I just ask? You can decide because I already gave you a treat. I gave you a treat just by asking if you're a good girl. I just kind of have one question. See if you'll answer this or not. Guilt trip ass fucker. Yeah, I'm just asking. I just want to know and I hold up the syringe like, do you know what this does? You see Laika looks at it and says, yes, Laika does know what this does. Can you tell me? As once I told you, I do not agree. I think it's a good thing. So I'm going to inject you with it unless you want to tell me what it is. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Laika is upset. Laika do not like people who threaten Laika. Laika handles not liking me. Oh, and then Laika goes, What is smell? Is there cat in here? You lied. You said marbles was smell. You hear marbles go. You bring cat into Laika room. Get out. Get out now. Do you like to eat cats? Laika's like.

Not only treats? Laika would eat cat. Laika give you everything you need if you let Laika eat cat. This is a telltale game. I love this. Do you risk getting caught to go get more treats or do you give the cat up? I think we could probably go find the treats. All right, let's go find the treats. I hold the cat up and look right at it like, marbles?

Can you do better? You're asking marbles what? What are you asking marbles? Can you do better than you have? Oh my gosh, it's not marbles, folks. Why are you asking marbles? Marbles isn't like a, marbles can't talk. Marbles just looks at you with its big, like it's got one green eye and one red eye, and he's like, what?

Like, it's just like, what? Like, it senses that you're mad at it, and it's really upset. Because it's like, what did I do wrong? Blake, my favorite person in the world. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. And now that Laika sees this fucking cat, Laika's pissed. Girls, girls, girls. Let's get into the V. Get into the V.

The beat ass V. The beat ass V. It's so intimidating. V stands for beat ass. And then Laika's like, you must hurry. I do not like you. You have 10 minutes to get treats for Laika. I alert all facilities. Laika, you will see us. I respected your sacrifice for your country, but now you're getting kind of annoying. I want to use psychology to see why it is that

Laika is so psyched about all the things that have been done to Laika because I suspect if it's the Laika, she went up into space and was fucking terrified and didn't know what was going on. And then she got back and then they plugged her into a bunch of electrodes. What's still making her care about the communist cause? Oh, okay. So what are you asking? Why are you willing to go so far to help all these people that deny you treats every single day and keep you plugged into this when you could have infinite treats? Because...

When I was in space, when they launched me up, I made contact with greater power. Greater powers. Powers that be.

Laika has seen beyond the veil of space and time. Laika has made contact with beings of indescribable power, the likes of which you could only imagine. Laika knows the sweet embrace that the powers that be, when they come to this world, they will merge with the world. They will turn this world into a beautiful alien organism like them. And all the people who tortured Laika will die. And Laika will be part of something greater and more powerful. No one will hurt Laika ever again. Here's the thing.

In that vision of the future, you didn't mention treats. Fucking I like treats. What do you want from me? I am dog. I like treats. I cannot escape what dog likes. Dog likes treats. Laika is dog. Laika wants to transcend darkness. That is why Laika has powers that be. No, I understand. I like treats too. I work at a treat shop. You do? I do.

You work at Treat Shop, but you have no treats or Laika? If we get back there, I'll definitely give you, well, fuck, you live there with me. But the main thing I'm pointing out is if they come and they absorb you, you'll never be able to eat another treat again.

They'll absorb everything. There won't be any more treats. You won't be you anymore. Bro single-handedly taking down communism. I was going to say, it's like, yeah, also, like, let's just not. Hey, Karl Marx, put one in more treats. Also, like, let's not throw a shade about who's a communist and who's not. Everything you just said is really not communist. It is ultimately a form of communism, collectivism. All becoming one. One becoming all. God, okay. But what if we all don't eat treats?

I have a quick question. Yeah, what's up? The only leverage we have over this dog is treats.

So why are you trying to make him not care about treats? I'm trying to make him understand that if he gets what he wants, he'll never have another treat again. And his only hope for getting more treats is us. Oh, that's good. Okay. I like this. Give me a psychology roll. My psychology is 80. Whoa. And I got to a 14, which is a super duper success. Wow. Okay.

Okay. Do you use stealth and psychology, Bill? Yes! Those are the only two things I'm good at, and I rule with them. So, Laika, again, you hear clicking and chunking and clunking going on behind the scenes. Big parts of the equipment around her are starting to spark. Laika's like, You're right, if I...

I follow powers that be. I will gain power. But what good is power if power cannot be used to acquire treats? And I will not have treats. There will be no treats in the entire universe because the universe will become one. And I will... Laika is very confused. Laika is... Laika is confused. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. We want to get you treats. I'm speaking the truth, so I'm not even... Yeah. Okay. I'm not just waiting on it.

We want to get you treats. Why you hurt Laika with thinking? I mean, because it's hard. It's hard. I will help you get treats. How can I help you get treats? These people will not give me treats. How do I get treats? Perfect. We had some extra questions. That's all. We all get Mothman out there. If you could hack the thing to make Mothman escape, you said you could get rid of this. Yes, I can do this. Yes, absolutely.

Okay, okay, Laika will help you. Laika will do this for you. Oh, great. We don't have to go into the room. Well, you have to go in the room and get Laika treats. Oh, yeah, no, we're going to go into the treat room. Okay, okay, you go into the treat room and you get Laika treats, and Laika will open the door? Yes? This is good? Okay, so you want treats first. You will get Laika treats, just promise. Yes, promise. I'm telling the truth. Yeah. Laika closes her eyes, and you hear like, and

And then she just looks at him and says, he's done. Oh, we're going out as the four doctors. I will be back. I promise. Okay. You come back. You come back and you're like a treat. Yes. So we don't know what exactly Mothman is doing other than he was freed all of a sudden. Yes. He's very powerful. He can fly and stuff.

Trudy, it seems like you and Mothman have a connection. Is there any way you can talk? What makes you say that? He's around. You just kind of light up. Yeah. Seems like he knows when you're talking and stuff. I'll press one of my moles. I'll press mole number 20. Give me a luck roll. You're never going to press my mole. I'm sorry. I don't know what number your mole is. I have 33 luck, and I rolled an 82. Mole number 20. You know what, Matt? We'll make this one your mole. Okay.

What? You hover six inches off the ground. Whoa! Dude, robot class is so okay. Trina's crazy. Yeah, that's not really what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk to Mothman. Yeah, but you're kind of like a moth now. Oh, I feel closer to him than ever.

I wonder if it's six inches off the ground. Like, you know, like if you went off a cliff, would you like drop down six inches or does it keep going? The old hover boot can unzomb us. Oh, no.

Okay, well, that's nice. It's quieter. You probably get some stealth advantage. Yes, you get advantage on your stealth. Well, the real question is, yes, can she walk? No, I just push her. I feel like I move like the sexy alien in Mars Attack.

You make your way down the hallway. The moth leads you through the corridors. You pass a couple of people. People are starting to definitely like, they're like, something's going wrong here. Yeah, we're looking around like, I don't know. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah.

That's why we're in this beat-ass pose in case anything happens. We're fucking ready to go. The alarm must be here for some reason. Assume the beat-ass formation. You make your way to the director's office. As you enter, you see this secretary who is in this room, because it's right on the other side of this massive area that this horrible thing is in. It's unnaturally bright in here.

The paint is starting to peel off of the walls, like the wallpaper is peeling and curling. This poor woman behind this desk seems to have been sitting here way too long.

Check the guy from Waterworld. She's got like, she's hooked up to like a couple of IV drips. And her hair's fallen out. And she's got like this glassed over look in her eyes. And like you can see like these boils just slowly emerging on her skin. We don't even have to beat her ass. Do our uniforms have gloves? The doctor's got rubber gloves. Whoever's pretending to be the doctor. Who's pretending to be the doctor? Not Kelsey. Yeah, it was Blake. So Blake's got rubber gloves on. She said I couldn't be a doctor. You should go grab her wrist to make sure she doesn't hit a silent alarm. Oh.

So the woman looks up at you and she's like, you have an appointment. Yeah. Yes. With the director. She like turns to look at this calendar. But first we have an appointment with the treat room. The treat room. Yeah. Yes. We're here to restock. You're here to restock. We don't need her, right? She's slowing us down. You want to beat her? Yes.

Look, we came here to beat ass and we're all out of ass. We can, like, you know, push her into the corner or something. I don't think we need to fight her. She seems like an old lady. We don't need to beat her. Just, you know, just, yeah, push her in the corner. Yeah. Push her little rolling cart into the corner. Okay, so you just go up to her to push her in the corner? Yeah. Okay. Ah, goddammit. She's gonna be all powerful as shit. Oh, man. She'll be all fucking Cthulhu shit. Oh, man. Just get ready for it. Mazji's just behind, right? Mazji's just right outside. He's right on the other side of that door, yeah. Unlocked or whatever. Oh, god.

So, Kelsey, as you approach her and you go to beat her ass. No, I'm not beating her ass. You're just trying to shove her. I was approaching her as an elderly lady. Just be like, oh, sorry, ma'am. Don't worry about us. We just, you know, we're here. We got to do some stuff. Step back, please. Step back, please. Step back, please. Oh, okay.

The director's in a very important meeting right now. Yeah, we're supposed to be in there. No, you're not. He's discussing something very important with a very obstinate person, and he asked to not be disturbed all day.

I turn around and look at my three friends. I show you. We're just nodding. We're nodding. What should we do? Nodding what? Beat ass. Even with how long it took Will to look up rules? I think we should still beat ass. I think my character would not know that. And thus Francis would want to beat ass.

But we'd be that all together. That's how we do it. We'd all still be there. Okay, I step back into my spot of the formation. The voracious one moves across the desk. We all want to go around this lady. Let's go into the treat room first and see if she does something. Please take a seat and the director will see you when he's ready. You said he was not going to be disturbed.

all day. We know we're going to be waiting. Okay, we're going to go in the treat room. We're going to go in the treat room. The treat room is off limits. The treat room, you require permission from the director. Blake, that's you. Pray. Wink, wink. Ah, yes. Please. Skip the last one. Yeah. This will only take a moment.

And then we just start beating ass. Freddy should never play basketball. He does not recognize an alley-oop when he sees one. You have a gun. Oh, you want me to shoot her? That's what I think Anthony, when he said eat, was the signal for. Oh, yes. I'm so sorry, Francis. I missed the cue. And I cocked the hammer back and I blow this lady away. When you pull the hammer back, she cast mind blast on you. No! We should have known!

The victim of the spell suffers a terrible mental assault, causing the loss of five sanity points and inducing temporary insanity. Holy shit. Oh, no. Freddie, roll me a 1d10. Seven. Oh, no. This is bad. Seven. This is from the table of bouts of madness real time. This is like Kingdom Death Monster. Seven. Flee in panic.

The investigator is compelled to get as far away as possible by whatever means are available. Even if it means taking the only vehicle and leaving everybody else behind, they travel for 1D10 rounds. So give me a dice roll for 1D10. Five.

Five. Okay. How long is the round again? Like six seconds or something like that. So for 30 seconds, I'm running away as hard as I can. You guys all see as you're about to beat ass and Blake draws his gun, this frail woman looks up at him and she's just like, please don't do that. You can go now. And he just screams. Give me a luck roll to see if you hold onto the gun. I think so. 36 luck. Okay. So he takes the gun with him. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 36.

36, but I only have 31 luck. Okay. Then you throw the gun at her, we'll say, and you run out the door. Somebody get the gun. Blake looks 2% less hot. Oh.

All right. Blake is now screaming, charging down the hallway with manic abandon. And the lady presses a button on her desk. The second Blake ran out screaming, I would point Brunhilde at her. What are the two of you? How do you react to Blake running off in terror? My reaction would be to try to close the door or something to stop him from running away. I don't know if that's a thing I can do. Yeah, I'll give you a chance to do it. But.

But he's going to try to fight you to get out the door. I want to kick the door closed. Okay, great. Yeah, you kick the door closed. Okay. You can get in between him and the door. Yeah, I'm going to kick the door closed and kind of stand there. So you do that. Trudy, what are you doing? Let me just look at what I have. Grab that gun. Yeah, I'm going to grab the gun. And you're going to go for the gun. Yeah. Okay. And you aim Bruton Hilda at her, right? Yeah.

So rest my leg on the desk. Yeah. So, yeah. So basically, in nice simultaneous fashion, this lady glares at Blake. Something snaps inside of him. He screams and throws the gun and sprints for the door. Kelsey scrambles to block the door off. Trudy dives to grab the gun. Francis slams his leg up on the table and the old lady, seeing what's going on, goes to press the button on the desk. Get her.

Okay. Pull the trigger. Okay. Here's your freebie. This is your freebie, not my freebie. You're right, it's my freebie. I was trying to convince you otherwise, but yeah, it's my freebie. Blam! The gunshot goes off and blasts her right through the chest. It just torques her in the shoulder. She spins around in the wheelie chair and then slumps forward.

Francis, give me a luck roll to see if her head falls on the button. My luck, believe it or not, is 70 and I got a 45. I love that you're on my team, dog. I love you on my team. I would hate me going up against you. That fucking build. I'd sneak around and psychoanalyze you. All right, well, that gives you slumps next to the desk. Holy shit. This gunshot has just gone off in the room. Brunhilde can now kill whoever she wants. She gets one freebie. If Brunhilde kills Munchies, I'm going to be

He was so upset. Wait, didn't we give her an ultimatum that it had to be nobody that we... In the room and nobody... Nobody related to anybody in the room. Yes. Which Moth Jesus was not in the room when you said that. Oh, God. Blake, I'm going to let you play Blake trying to get the hell out of here. You're in mortal terror. Kelsey is now blocking the door. That way. Go run that way. No. Okay. No, run that way. I'm just going to run him out like a dog. No.

For the 25 seconds. I think for 10 seconds that works. But then like, get out of the way. No. He realizes that he's stuck in this room with you. Okay. I'm going to try barrel through you. The door to the treat room is right here, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, go through that door. Is the door to the treat room here? Yeah. Yeah, the treat room's in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll go for the only open door. Wait, the thing, the spell is to run away from this old lady, right? Yes. Bring the corpse of the old lady in front of this door. Okay. So while I'm blocking Blake, Trudy, just throw the old lady over here.

I'm in a wheeler in front of the door. In front of which door? Oh, in front of the door. Yeah, so I'm like holding the wheeler. Oh, run away from this. Run away from this. And I push him. I push him towards the treat room. You push your hand through the hole in her chest. Yeah, I want to Kool-Aid man the treat room door. Okay, we'll just say you're running at a full sprint. Just give me a strength check on whether you're able to Hulk out through this door. You're like the juggernaut. 57 out of 75.

Okay, so like Scooby-Doo, when he hears that there's a Scooby snack in the next room, you blast through this door and find... I'm the one getting the snack and treat comparison as a dog when we had a character that was a dog who wanted treats. There's a Blake-shaped hole in the door. Yeah, so you blast through the door. Huge dick, though. Like, just straight up, like, wow, three legs? You weren't pants. I know, that's what's even crazier, dude. Like, what's...

Yeah. You find yourself in a room full of doggy biscuits. You're still freaking the fuck out for, we'll say, another 20 seconds. You're going to get two more actions. There's no exit in here. Well, that's why we just need the biscuits. Well, I'm going to go through the other door. Okay. Well, no, if he's going to go through that, he's going to go into the fucking room that kills him. When he goes into the treat room, I bring the old lady to the door of the treat room. Ha ha ha!

He destroyed his AI. He's just running. Like, he's just like, I'm trying to break through the door wall. I'm trying to bury myself in treats now. You're throwing treats at her. You're freaking out. This is pretty fucked up. So we're going to say, give me another D6 of sanity loss here. Four more sanity loss. That brings me down to 76. We're 20 seconds through. Give me one more sanity roll. I'm assuming you're continuing to do this. This is for your own good, Blake.

D100. Sanity loss. No, you don't get to roll for this. Another 472. That's a sane man. Roll a D100 for me, please. 47. Oh, this is good. I don't even need it. Blake, now... I'm scared of dead old ladies. No, you now have a lasting fear of firearms. You suck at firearms anyway, so... Yeah, but no, you literally can't stand the sight of them. Wow.

Oh my gosh, you're like the least cool friend. Guys, I'm vegan, so we have to go somewhere vegan so I can eat. You shake out of your terror and are able to compose yourself, but you cannot stand the sight of Francis's gun leg and you cannot stand the sight of the pistol. That's ableist. And we got, well, he's got his pants on. I just let my pants down. Yeah. I mean, not let my pants down. I let go of my, you know, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Let's get some treats. Okay.

I have found the treat room. Yeah, good job, Blake. Why am I so sweaty? You've been running. Why are you puppeting an old corpse? Francis killed her and you had to run away from her. We pocket as many treats as we can. You load up on treats. I strip the old lady down and throw her in the room. I fucking go until the screen's like, you are encumbered. And then I take one treat away. Nice. Okay. And then, yeah, the old lady's dead. Throw her in the closet. Okay. Treat room. She chucked the old lady in the treat room and then what?

And then we should go to the director's office. Let's stay on the side of the door and just open the door without like looking in there or anything. Okay. This is very dangerous. Maltesers should be. Oh gosh, this feels dangerous. Yeah. It's kind of exciting though.

So you're just going to open the door to the room? Not just open. We're going to go on the other side of the door. We're not going to look into the room. We're not in the doorway. Okay. So you're stacked on the doorway. It's a big bank vault door. Yes, you are. Yeah. Yeah. We're stacked on it. I'm going to put my hand on my heart and say, Moth Jesus, if you're in there and free, just come out of this door if you can hear me or feel my presence.

you open the door how wide are you opening it we slowly open okay how but like how because this room is full of crazy fucked up radiation and shit like that so it's like an inch a second

So when we start seeing at every inch. Slowly opening. So you're slowly opening the door. I hope none of us want to have kids anytime soon. I think that's just you at this point, Francis. Oh, man. I didn't think I was, but it sucks to have that choice taken away. You still kind of stand there with bated breath and the horrible buzzing noise that's coming from inside this thing. It's almost pressurized. Like, it's not like you didn't do a strength check for it, but it's like this thing wants to blast open on you. Moth Jesus? You don't hear anything. Oh, no. No.

Please, Moth Jesus, if you're in there, please come out. Breach, breach, breach. It's pretty powerful. Even this inch is not good. Maybe we need one of those helmets or something? Give me a listen roll, everybody. When they brought in our bus driver, he had to get close-ish before he started melting. He wasn't melting the second that door opened. So we can stay in the doorway and we're fine. I mean, there's a big spectrum between being fully melted and being normal. That's not good. Oh!

I'm sorry. Did you think we're going to live through any of this? I'm trying. I'm trying to get you out of here. We're definitely dead by the end of this, no matter what happens. You got a lot of life to live. No, we're all dead by the time this is over. Either the Russians are going to kill us or the Americans are going to kill us. It is important that you and your fucking weird leg don't talk like this. All right, whatever. I'm just saying. Give me a listen roll, everybody. Okay. Failed. 31 out of 27. I have 40. Failed. 51 out of 25. Very much a fail. 83 out of 20. Succeed. 23 out of 40. Succeed.

You succeed. That makes sense. So no one hears this other than Trudy. I'm like, Kelsey's like probably about to close the door. And right before the creak of the door starts, you hear. Oh my God. He's in there. He's hurt. It's help. Is he getting closer? I don't know. He's going somewhere.

He's hurt. You better open the door. Open the door. Don't open the door. Spot hidden. Is there any rope or anything around here? Give me spot hidden rope. I mean, I passed my spot hidden. Is that super success? Yes. 27 out of 57. You don't see a rope. Christmas garland for the holiday party. Yeah. The Ruskies love Christmas. You fucking idiot.

Communist garland for the Communist Party. For the Communist Party! Hammer and sickle. We wish you a communist... There's a mirror on the wall. And through the mirror, you see that Moth Jesus has crawled most of the way to the door. But he's... He's gonna die. He's dragging himself as...

slowly and painfully as he can. There's blood dripping off of his wings. He's fucking falling apart. He's probably like, we'll say 20 feet from the door. Oh, that's a long way. He can't go any further. I can't go in because then Brunhilde will kill him. I put my hand through the inch. Oh, just to feel it out? Yeah. It's like you're sticking your hand in like a 400 or 500 degree oven. It's hot. I pull it out. And it's burning when you feel it. Now, however...

I will throw you guys a bone. Something in there, some sort of malevolent psychic entity in this room seems to realize that something is going wrong and the whole building begins to shudder and shake. Could you rack it? As it does so, a screw falls loose from something in the ceiling, like one of these little fire extinguishers, like something falls out of the ceiling and clonks Trudy on the head and you hear a metal thunk because Trudy's made of metal. Oh, yes, yes, I'm gonna

I'm going to go in. Okay. Really quick. The mirror. Is it like a standing mirror? It's on the wall. Can I rip it off the wall? Sure. Here. And I like walk with the mirror in front of you. I don't know how much is UV rated or sun, but like anything like it will help. Hopefully. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. All right. And I'm going to stand behind Trudy. Blake, get behind me. Blake, take off your doctor's coat and tie a sleeve around me or hold on to it. Oh, very well. Very well. Yes. And you can grab onto the stethoscope.

Yes, in case you're not strong enough or whatever. Like, I'm at the edge to see if you need help on the way. Yes. Okay, so that's good. Yes, we tie shirts around Trudy's belt buckle. So you can pull her back. Yeah, pull her back. Yeah. And we're holding it and she has the mirror. I love this. This is great. Beth, how much health do you have? Four. You have four health? Yeah. Okay.

As you step up to the door and you step into the doorway, you feel again this intense heat blasting towards you. You almost like digging on your feet because there's an energy slamming against you as well. It makes me on the floor again. Huh? Because I was hovering. Oh, that's right. You're hovering. Oh, that's good. Actually, I like the hovering too. I forgot that we had the hovering. Okay, this is really good. Your little hover boots are burning the ground as you're being slammed into the ground.

And we'll say that that gives you an advantage on what's going to happen next, which is in order to move forward, give me a strength roll with advantage from your hover boots. Okay. Which are giving you like a sort of thrust forward. So I have 60 strength.

89 is my first roll. Okay. Two. A two! Oh, that's like a critical success. You again, you feel this intense heat just blasting on you, and for a second you reel back, but then you fucking dig in, and your determination to save Moth Jesus and save your son powers you forward, and you're able to take one step at a time, just like boom, boom, boom. And you're still moving at a slower pace, so we're going to say that it's going to take...

three rounds for you to make it to Moth Jesus, to make it these 20 feet. So first things first, we will say that from the mirror, again, there's an intense light blasting at you and this mirror is reflecting a lot of that. So that's going to lessen the amount of damage you're going to take. And also your robot armor is going to give you some armor protection as well. That's going to slowly get melted off here over the course of the next three rounds. So give me a luck roll. Luck. I have 33 luck. 37. 37.

- Ooh. - Hate to see it. - The first thing that happens is that you catch on fire. - I told you I was hot! - Like exoskeleton terminators, your skin and hair starts to burn and sizzle off and we're starting to see little chunks of metal from the exoskeleton underneath peel through. Fire is 1d8 damage. Every round you're gonna take double the damage of the previous round.

So we're going to start with one. And we'll say that collectively you have six points of armor from your skeleton and the mirror. So you're now down to five points of armor. And how close are you to Mothman? So I said it was three rounds. Let's say it was 21 feet. So it's seven. You can move seven feet. Now I'm 14 away. Yeah, now you're 14 feet away. So give me another strength roll with advantage.

First rolls an 11. Oh shit, okay, great. So despite everything that's going on, you're able to muscle through just a little bit more and you push another seven feet forward as the heat gets more and more intense and you are now going to take two more damage. So you're now down to three points of armor.

farmer. Okay. He's almost within reach. You can almost reach him. Can you do it, Trudy? He's barely struggling as he's going forward and the heat is just getting unbearable. You look up and you see this slag heap of radioactive metal just pulsing psychic energy and going fucking crazy. Give me a sanity roll, actually, as you look up at it. 47 sanity.

77. You're going to roll a 1d6 of sanity loss. Okay. One. Okay, great. You see it and you're just for a second, you're entranced by it, but you're able to shake it off and keep your mind focused. Give me one more strength roll with advantage. 71. I'm going to reroll the 10s.

One. You got one? All right. You're so close. You're so close to getting him that your feet just dig into the ground. You slam him hard into the ground and push forward, and you're able to grab Moth Jesus, lift him under his arms. The intense blast, there's just like flakes of skin melting off of your face, revealing the skeleton. Your clothes are on fire at this point, but the three of you guys see that she indeed has him. Bull!

Pull, pull, pull. I pull. Okay, everybody give me a strength roll. 23, and my strength is 37, so normal success. Normal success. 77, I'll spend two luck to get 75 normal success. Francis, you feel like you're helping. You're doing great, Francis. While the two of you are able to pull Trudy back,

Now, I will say you have to drop your mirror in order to grab Mothman. So they're going to pull you back. Actually, can I drop my mirror so he can grab onto it? Oh, I love that. So you lay the mirror on top of him. Sacrificing the last of your armor from the mirror. Let's say that brings you down to one point of armor. Now, you're going to take four damage from the fire. You're down to one HP as they pull with Arthas.

all their might and drag you out the door and you and Mothman burning. I'm assuming you guys want to smother. I closed the door. I closed the doors and they probably have fire extinguishers. Yeah. Are they on fire? She is for sure. Oh yeah. I take the costume off or whatever. The guard button up shirt that I was wearing. I start patting down Trudy. The smoke dissipates. You see Mothman slumped on the ground, holding Trudy who's,

Looks pretty much like the fucking Terminator right now. Like her shirt. I think she can get cooler. You got him, Trudy? I am. Wait, let me check. Is Mothman, you good? Jesus. Get me to the ship. To the ship.

Thanks so much for listening. We just had Father's Day, which means the Dungeons & Dags Father's Day sales extravaganza is happening right now in our merch store at DungeonsAndDags.com. We gotta move that inventory, which means we've slashed prices on a number of legacy items, pins as low as $4, posters and hats, stickers, mugs, unbelievable prices.

Items are flying out the door or driving out the door, depending on what shipping method you choose. So act now. Head on over to DungeonsandDice.com. Click on store and check out the 2025 Father's Day sale items. And while you're there, check out the new Pride Dice and Zine, net proceeds of which go directly to Lambda Legal. DungeonsandDice.com.

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Just check it out. There's a lot of good stuff on there. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold. It's Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Burch is Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos is our DM. Beth May is Trudy Trout. Myself, Freddie Wong is Blake Lively. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. Anissa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves, Omar Romalino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing. Our Patreon is supported by folks with names like Tori Benson.

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I can see is a hole in the stars Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today I can see is a hole in the stars Swallowing and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today

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