Shownotes Transcript
We've all been there. I mean, I've been there. In the line at the grocery store, waiting for your latte at the coffee counter, pick up at your child's school, everyone standing around in silence, eyes down. But what if you smiled first? Colgate is here to give you the confidence to do just that. One smile can break the tension and open the door to a real connection. It's a small gesture with a big reward. Colgate helps you show the world your confident smile.
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Hello, darlings. Pack your suitcase for a new season of the Hulu original reality series, Band of Pumpvilla. Let's do this. Ciao, it's Stassi. Of course Lisa brought in her favorite to be resident chaperone of the castle.
Dossie is an icon. She's my eyes and ears. I love this. Get ready for the luxury and drama that awaits us in Italy. Cheers to all the toxic couples in the castle. Season 2 of Vanderpump Villa is now streaming on Hulu.
I like that! Yeah!
Hello, everybody. Hello, everybody. Hello, everybody. Hey, Hannah. How are you? Hello. Hello. Hello. I'm doing great. I will say this. I have a lot of things in my life that bother me and need improvement for sure. But the one thing I have...
and you also have, is really good skin. That's just genetics. I do have really good skin. And so lo and behold, my horror today. I got a pimple. Oh, no. I got a pimple. And I was just like...
Well, you're on your own. You were uninvited to my list of issues. You're on your own now. You don't want to worry. I'm kidding. You know, I do too. So I'm wearing this pimple patch. You see that? This is the worst place to get it. Here or like right at the tip of your nose. Like that's the worst to get them. Or on your lips. You don't want to get a pimple on your lips. That's something else. Yeah, that's something else. There's no such thing as a pimple on your lips. If you get a pimple on your lip, well, you're going to call your doctor.
But yeah, like right here or right here. And this one sucks because it I don't. First of all, these patches don't work. I guess all they do is cover it for the world not to see because they don't get rid of them. This isn't this is going on day three with this effing thing on my face. And it's still there. Here's the thing I will say. I'm team like Love Island with this stuff. You ever watch Love Island? Don't ask me some dumb shit like that. You know damn well I do not.
Okay, fine. Well, you're missing out. But here's what they do when they all get pimples. They put like their pimple patches are stars. They just own it.
Yeah. New generation, man. I love it so much. They're just like, here it is. And I'm going to put a star. I'm going to make a beautiful, my skin is going through something. And I got it. Well, it's smart because it's like, you're going to be looking, if somebody has a pimple on like a note, like an obvious noticeable pimple on their forehead or somewhere, you're going to look at it. It's not going to bother you, but you're going to look at it. Right. I'm telling you, this one is like, it's a big guy. Yeah. But if you put a star on it, people are going to look, it's like, you're going to look anyway. So you may as well look at a star.
That's right. That's what I'm saying. Put a gold star on it. That's what I'm saying. I will say, I know everybody's been really worried about my mess around sweater that I spilled on last week. So it's back. Me too. You got too many jobs. That's what I learned about you. You got too many jobs. You got too many things. All right, you guys, it is the mess around and this is by far one of the most talked about episodes ever.
It is called Micro. It's called Micro. Y'all know it. If you're listening to this podcast, I know you know it. I know you don't even have to rewatch it to know it. If you're listening to this podcast, this particular episode, you know the episode, but you also may know the issue. That issue may be something that you've personally dealt with in your life, which I think not a lot of people have. But yeah, it's called Micro because of, you know, micro penis.
A micro-penis. All right, should we run it down? Yes, let's run it down. After discovering that the guy she's talking to has a micro-penis, Jess makes a bet with Nick that she can stay in the relationship for over a month to prove she isn't shallow. Meanwhile, Winston and Cece trick Schmidt and Coach into competing for a modeling gig. It's a classic Winston and Cece mess around. That's not a thing. So she says. We'll be right back.
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Everybody has been there. Traffic was a nightmare. You got home late and your dinner plans are out the window when you hear the inevitable tiny voice saying,
I'm hungry. Yeah, that's when dinner dread sets in. What are you going to make tonight? How can such a simple question be so hard to answer? Well, it doesn't have to be because a delicious family pleasing meal from Stouffer's is only a ding away. So if your dinner plans are derailed, don't worry. Just turn to a delicious solution from Stouffer's, a meal that will always leave everyone happy, especially you. Maybe you'll be able to make a good meal.
Maybe some chicken enchiladas. Spaghetti with meat sauce is always a winner. Or how about some cheesy chicken and broccoli pasta bake? Yes, please. When the clock strikes dinner, think Stouffer's. Shop now for family favorites.
Okay, so have you ever noticed how we hold back our smiles in awkward situations? Okay, but here's the thing. Sometimes, sometimes a smile can change everything. And Colgate is here to give you the confidence to smile first. Okay, so the other day I walked into a meeting and I just felt like the person I was meeting with was just sizing me up, just staring at me. Super awkward. But I remembered.
smile first. So I did just a quick confident smile. And guess what? They smiled back. Colgate believes a smile can break down walls. And it's true because instantly the whole vibe just changed. Or like last week, I'm at a coffee shop. There's a long line and the barista's flustered.
I smiled first. A, hey, you got this kind of smile. And they smiled back. And the guy behind me even cracked a joke. All because of a simple smile. Smiling first might feel like a bold move, but it helps you put the best version of yourself out there. Colgate helps you show the world your confident smile.
Time is precious, and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments, and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care. And we...
This is honestly one of the funniest written episodes ever by, of course, the great Josh Malmuth. Yes. Josh Malmuth, directed by J. Chandra Shaker.
He is a fantastic director. Fantastic. Fantastic. Human person. Oh, yeah. Broken lizard. He was a great director to work with. He's like so... You know what it is? He still has like the joy. There's zero things that are jaded about Jay when he was on set. Like he was just like so happy. He thought the bits were so funny. You can see in that cold open when they're doing like...
The boobs. I like those boobs. When they're doing the boobs whole conversation, you can just feel Jay just being happy to let it go. Just run with it, guys. Get weird with it. Because there's so much in a group shot. Because he's just loving that energy. Oh, yeah. Because he's still a performer.
He still acts. So that's why, you know, when you're an actor and you see the bits, it's almost like he wants to jump in and play himself. I'm shocked we never had him. I'm shocked he was never in an episode. Yeah, that's true. That was a miss. Yeah. Oh, complete miss. Oh, new girl. What a miss. Complete miss. You know, use this guy for off-camera only. They should have cast him. I guess maybe the only role available if he wanted to act and direct was to be the micro-P guy. And he's like, you know what? Jay was like, you know what? I don't need that reputation.
I'm good. That's okay. He's directed a bunch of these episodes, though. Yeah, he did a few. Anyway, we're at this bar. Anyway. We're at this bar, Hannah. What's going on at this bar? The guys are just talking about boobies, as men do, right? I think what's so great and funny and weird about this cold open is that they're saying all the quiet parts out loud. Yeah.
Like I do think, right, attraction is a part of picking your partner, not a friend, but like a partner. And so attractiveness
traction is and you're going to have things that you're more drawn to or less drawn to and so that conversation about being shallow or not i think is super interesting but usually you're not openly at the bar being like i like those boobies those are great boobies that's not going to resonate well no not at all with the person that also wants to have an emotional connection as well as the physical guys don't do this you know you know when i have some friends who are or in their 60s
Late 50s, 60s, and when they're trying to be cool and they're hanging out, they start speaking this way because they think that this is how the other guys talk. And you got to constantly correct them and go, bro, you good? If a woman walks by, look at the rack on that chick. And you're like, what?
You know we never did that. That was a TV thing. That was like a movies and TV stereotype about what we... You don't have to say that out loud. The crazy thing, also, I knew, I knew you were going to say the word rack. Yeah. The rack conversation is also crazy. I know. To call it a rack of what? Oh, you know, I was trying to be gentle with what the words...
what they were really saying. Yeah, no, no one's out here talking like that. And if they are, it's very like 40 year old virgin. I'm just like, oh, you've never seen like breasts. You've never actually seen them with your own eyeballs, like real human breasts. Yeah. Cool. Good to know. I learned so much about you.
So Jess is on a whole tip because she's just like, I'm not shallow. I don't sit there and pick my partner just based on what they look like. And then she kind of challenges Nick and she's like, would you have ruled me out for my boobs? And he's like, no, because they're perfect. But then the wonky knee. And then that thing when they cut to you guys all getting so close to it is so funny to me. Oh, my God. You know what I hated about this moment? I think.
What? That they would, you know, it was scripted, so I said it. You know, it's a funny bit where I go, you're at eight, you're at eight and a half, and I'm a sweet, sweet six. You know, I have you know, sons of bitches, I'll have you know that that same year, I want to say it was that same year, maybe it was a year later, who knows, Cosmo Magazine called me one of the hottest TV actors of all time, and I was number 30.
You know who was 31? George Clooney. I didn't see Max on that list. I didn't see Damon on that list. So while the writers are saying that they're an eight, eight and a half and I'm a six, I got news for you. Fuck you.
Anyway, that's what I got to say about it. Here's the part that made me laugh the most is that you give these compliments, then you do something that's self-deprecating and you say a six, which is obviously not true. And nobody challenges it. It's the funniest part. Nobody goes, come on, man. Nope, nope. At least a seven. Nope, nope.
Nope. Nope. I don't like it. That's where they did you dirty, that everyone went, yeah, that checks out. They did me dirty. And you know what? I'm okay with it. I'm okay, Hannah. I'm always okay with it because I'm not sure who's laughing now. This is true. And we know that they give the Emmys to the most attractive actor that year. That's how you win. That's how you know because you've got to get out there. Who's the hottest guy that year? And then they go like, here's a nice one. Hey, you know what I'm saying to Josh Malmuth? Where yours at?
Doesn't he have one? Probably. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so hold on a second, because Alan Richson, very good-looking man, jumps in. I'm looking up right now all the stuff he has done. Yeah, Reacher. Are you kidding me? Is he the star in Reacher? Yeah. Is he Reacher? He's Reacher. He's Mr. Reacher? Yeah. What? Alan.
The dude is a beast. The dude is a mega star. He was on American Idol. Doing what? Like Paula, singing. No, he wasn't. His appearance on the show was noted for his striptease in one episode in which he charmed Judge Paula Abdul during his audition. This is American Idol. He was one of the top 87 contestants in the third season, but was cut before the Hollywood round. Which is so crazy. That must have been before, was it Blue Mountain State he was on?
And shows, I think. Because that was before New Girl 2. It must have been before then. Yeah. But he's done a bunch of movies, like really cool movies. Yeah, he's done a ton of stuff. The Gentleman, was that a movie that he just did? I don't know. Alan? What a career you've had. Yeah, with Aza Gonzalez and Henry Cavill.
I think it was a Guy Ritchie thing. He just joined the cast of Fast X? Yeah, he's been in Fast and the Furious. He's in Fast and the Furious. He looks that way. Like when they cut across and she's like sitting in the booth and she's like, oh my God, my friends are the worst. I'm just going to sit here because they're so shallow and they know whatever. And then she looks up and then she like forgets how to just speak words. He just has that whole Hemsworth like vibe with the toque and the thing and the brooding. Yeah. And she's just like, oh, no.
I know the feeling. That thing that Zoe does where she's like, just needs a second to get the words out is my favorite thing. Look, I know the feeling. Women, when they see me, it's very similar. Very, very similar. Very similar.
Yeah, sure. Just don't know how to talk. Yeah, exactly. I will say it was a wild thing. And I thought it was a really strong choice for the episode that he says it out the gate where he's just like, I just want you to know, full disclosure, I have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very tiny penis. You know what? You know what? I blame the parents. I blame the parents for not like because you could nip that in the bud. Like when they're like when they're young.
You should know, like, okay, this ain't right. And you got to do something about it then. See what my brain went to? You know what I thought you were talking about? The parents. I thought you meant, like, you know, two people that have the same kind of issue shouldn't, like, breed and have a child. So two people who have very small penises. And to get the wife's, like, dad to be like, we should, let's cross-reference these penises to make sure. Oh, because the wife's dad has a micro, and then the dad has a micro. Maybe you don't come up with a micro.
Yeah, no, but there's like things you can do to stimulate the pituitary gland. There's got to be an issue with the pituitary gland that's stopping the process of natural human growth hormone, because that is crazy. It's crazy that...
He is that big, which means his body got big, but the one thing didn't. That's correct. The one thing just stayed tiny. Yeah. But he owns it. He's like, okay, this is what it is. And he is so good looking. I know. That it obviously has not been an issue. Can be blessed with both. You know what I'm saying? So then she, they go, they're going to go on a date. Mm-hmm.
And she does this bet. Yes. Right? She does the bet with Nick. Nick. Yeah. And she's going to stay in this relationship for like a month.
No big deal. Because she's not shallow. Right. And she's very excited about it. She thinks it's going to be no issue. It's totally fine. Because, spoiler alert, she does not know that he, as a human being, is the worst. Absolute worst, you know. And he plays it, by the way, so perfectly. Because I got the ick so badly from him the entire time.
I was so grossed out by what is on the surface a very good looking person. And I was just like watching it. I was like, which means he's a great actor. Great actor. Way to go, Alan. Now, let's talk about the bet wages. What's on the line here? Because if Nick loses, he has to donate $500 to the National Organization for Women's Love Your Body campaign. And if Nick wins, Jess will buy him a subscription to Ask Chat.
But do you remember the names, some of the names that we were throwing out when he was like, what site? Nubian, Nubile. Nubian butts.
these were all improvised i never went back and looked it up it's off that any of these names were real if they existed but i'm sure they do i mean if they did they got like you know free promo for sure uh matt is a street artist he paints on walls this is just this is so what did he say like a rat with a backpack or something that's what i see when i see the wall i was just like
It was so funny how she's describing him. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. The boys sit around and they're staring at a micro penis. And then they all describe what the micro penis looks like. Like a lone tent in a very vast, vast, vast, vast forest. Oh, my gosh. Schmidt says if he could, he would give him some of his penis. But you don't pull a bumper off of a Ferrari. Yeah.
Out of control. Out of control. Oh, yeah. Schmidt and Koch are at the bar, and they're just complimenting each other because now they feel really good about themselves that they've seen a micropenis. And so they're complimenting and complimenting. And Winston and CeCe are getting annoyed at the situation and realize how can we mess with
with these idiots. - Yes. - And make them make fools of themselves. - Yes. Is this the moment in which we describe what's about to happen between us? Or, no, that's not it. We'll get into that a little bit later. But let's go to a quick commercial break and when we come back, there's a section that I wanna bring up but I'm not gonna bring it up because it's useless. And then we're gonna move on, okay?
Everybody has been there. Traffic was a nightmare. You got home late and your dinner plans are out the window when you hear the inevitable tiny voice saying, I'm hungry. Yeah, that's when dinner dread sets in. What are you going to make tonight? How can such a simple question be so hard to answer? Well, it's not.
It doesn't have to be, because a delicious, family-pleasing meal from Stouffer's is only a ding away. So if your dinner plans are derailed, don't worry. Just turn to a delicious solution from Stouffer's, a meal that will always leave everyone happy, especially you. Maybe some chicken enchiladas. Spaghetti with meat sauce is always a winner. Or how about some cheesy chicken and broccoli pasta bake? Yes, please. When the clock strikes dinner, think Stouffer's. Shop now for family favorites.
Okay, so have you ever noticed how we hold back our smiles in awkward situations? Okay, but here's the thing. Sometimes, sometimes a smile can change everything. And Colgate is here to give you the confidence to smile first. Okay, so the other day I walked into a meeting and I just felt like the person I was meeting with was just sizing me up, just staring at me. Super awkward. But I remembered.
smile first. So I did just a quick confident smile. And guess what? They smiled back. Colgate believes a smile can break down walls. And it's true because instantly the whole vibe just changed. Or like last week, I'm at a coffee shop. There's a long line and the barista's flustered.
I smiled first. A, hey, you got this kind of smile. And they smiled back. And the guy behind me even cracked a joke. All because of a simple smile. Smiling first might feel like a bold move, but it helps you put the best version of yourself out there. Colgate helps you show the world your confident smile.
Time is precious, and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments, and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.
It's nostalgia overload as Wilmer Valderrama and Freddy Rodriguez welcome another amigo to their podcast, Dos Amigos. Wilmer's friend and former That 70s Show castmate, Topher Grace, stops by the speakeasy for a two-part interview to discuss his career and reminisce about old times. We were still in that place of like, what will this experience become? And you go, you're having the best time. But it was like such a perfect golden time. Listen to Dos Amigos on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
And we are back. We're back and Jess has learned that this guy is the absolute worst person in the entire world and she needs out of the bet. And she says it's not because of the micro, which, by the way, she's telling the truth. She doesn't even like
seen or dealt with it in any situation. She just can't even be around this person for five minutes. She's just so deeply ickified. Yes. But of course, the math does not math to Nick. So he's like, nah, you made that bet. You got to stay in bed. You got to. So Jess is like, listen, listen, man, I'm going to be out of town for the next month. He sits for truth.
For trues. For trues. This is so stupid. For trues. You know, that's like, like, like Belizeans. Sometimes when they say like, if that's the truth, they say, sometimes they'll say like, for true. That's for true. That's what I thought they were doing here. For trues. You know, the Italians do that too. Evero. Evero. That's not the same thing.
It is. What does that mean? It's true. It's true. It's the same thing. For true. For true is different than it's true. It's true is normal. It's true is proper. It's true. If he's true. This thing, oh God, being trapped in a bed to have to hang out with that guy was giving me such anxiety. I will say I loved watching Jake so much around Alan. Mm-hmm.
Because, aka Matt in the episode, because you could see how much Jake loved it. There's nothing more he loved than like a bro-y bro growing out. You know? And he just, he was just soaking in how this guy was like playing the character. He was so happy. You could just see his happy little Jake face. Yeah.
And so then basically Jess is just like, she can't do it. She's going to tell the truth. She's going to own up to it. And she's going to go to his loft. Right? And she's just going to say, it's not your micropenis. It's your whole personality. Yes. 100%. 100%. She goes to his art studio. Yes.
And she then does her whole big speech on it, which kind of breaks him. And then he's vulnerable. And then he explains that he has a bad personality, though, because of his insecurities around the micropenis. And then just as she starts to then get vulnerable, she then starts to show her wonky knees. So she takes her pants down to show it. Which is so TV.
it's such a so tv that she takes her pants down to show the knee and then out of that super famous john bon jovi music video um bed of roses i think it was or i will always love you or uh one of those not i will always love you john bon jovi what's that video do you remember we're like they're in the big art loft and then the girlfriend sees on the camera that he's cheating what john bon jovi got caught cheating on camera
It was a real shaggy moment. Shaggy was there? But real ones know what I'm talking about. Shaggy and Bon Jovi did a song together? Shaggy and Bon Jovi. Did a song together with Zooey Deschanel? It was Pants Town? This is the worst game of telephone I've ever played and it's just two of us. It's back to Jon Bon Jovi and Shaggy were sleeping together while Zooey watched on camera.
Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Ass chat. Good old ass chat. That's right. Good old ass chat. So she's telling the truth. Yeah, she's telling the truth. And then we cut back to the loft. Yes, we cut back to the loft. Now, Winston and Cece, I remember this moment. I remember this day based off of the Canadian tuxedo that I was wearing. Really?
And I forget, there was a different haircut that I remember that day. I was like, interesting. Because there's a famous, not famous photo, famous for me because I see it all the time, of me holding the camera. And it used to be like a gif, like a meme. It was me holding the camera. And I was like watching it going, oh, I remember this. This is that moment. What I didn't remember was this was the beginning of our classic CeCe and Winston mess around.
And that's what I found to be interesting about it. You, we have a whole podcast called The Mess Around Now. And at the time, CeCe didn't want it to be a thing. I'm telling you, Winnie the Bish manifested something in real life. A fake character was just like, it's a thing and you will do it forever. And I was just like, what's happening? Even after the show was over? Even after you no longer ceased to exist? Yes.
I'm wearing the shirt. Good God. Yeah, it's a really funny thing to the fact that... I love the fact that you wear the shirt, but you cover it every time, by the way. You can't go behind your head? This looks very weird to do it like... No, you put it behind your head. But then it looks weird. How does that look weird? I don't know. I just feel like I look like I've got no hair.
I don't know how to do it. Just this shirt is so cute. I get stopped all the time with this shirt, by the way. And it's so cozy and soft inside. It's like my sweater I put on in the evening and just cozy up. So you wear it to cozy up and you get stopped when you wear it on the street and you wear it on the podcast. Hannah, we need to get you some new clothes. Yes.
I love this part. It's my favorite. The thing that makes me laugh, too, is that Coach also is like, oh, when he finally catches them out, he's like, oh, is this a classic CZ and Winston mess around? And Wendy's like, yes! And she's like, no! What is happening? Not a thing at all. All the way in season four is when they let us start to play around and be weird. I remember you and I, though, off camera.
And then they let us go because then they were kind of pushing in for the shot. But I think we hung out to watch it because it was so ridiculous. To watch Damon and Max do this photo shoot. Yes. And then who was going to get to be the top? The bottom. The bottom. Yes. In the piggyback. I've been around both of these guys enough to know that Max is the bottom in that relationship. Yes.
He definitely is. He definitely is. I truly, I remember laughing so much on set because it was very rare that I would be just with, you know, a group of the boys and just get to hang out and do like weird physical comedy or like watch it or be part of that scene. That's not where they usually put Cece. And it was the most fun day. Yeah, that was fun. They were so extra because that was also genuine. Yeah.
How it ends up with Damon on top and Max on the bottom was not, they truly did battle. They truly were wrestling. He's like, get on my back, get on my back. And he would do the piggyback. That was real. Get on my back, get on my back.
That's funny. So funny. Also, just letting them kind of run with the stupid little bit of who's so good looking and really thinking that they can break their friendship. And then it kind of turns back on CeCe and Winnie. Oh, yes. Yeah. So CeCe's going to pass these on to her agency?
That's what she's saying she's going to do. There was no intention. She just wanted to make them look dumb. And then she thought when they were like, oh, but we can only send one, that they would then start fighting and the whole thing would explode. But then the truth of how much they love each other and their friendship comes out and it becomes this big bonding sweet moment. And then they're just like, oh, this is not, this feels bad. Coach says he's more runway while Schmidt is more high fashion. It's so stupid.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, it's very sweet. Now, we're back with Nick and Jess. We're back in Nick and Jess. So it all went side. Oh, no, but we missed the big part. Oh, yeah. The big part that happens at the loft. She shows the knee. Then I just got caught up with Bon Jovi. And then the girlfriend comes in and she's just like, what are you doing with your pants off? What's happening? And she storms off and she's like, why aren't you running after your girlfriend? And then...
She goes, you probably don't even have her micropenis. You're just like a liar and a horrible person. And everything about you is horrible. And then he shows it. And apparently. And the length of time that Jay, our director, gives Zoe to. That's when he pulled that right there. He pulled that one of them right there. He pulled that one of them Tylenol 500s. Just length of time.
The funniest is when she leaves and she says something just like, take care of that little guy. It's so tiny and needs help and support and lots of love. Not for me, but goodbye. He got to go to Germany and get like a reconstructed one. You know what I'm saying? Something. Don't you go to Turkey for things like that? Turkey for you? They do the hair stuff in Turkey.
They do the penile stuff in Germany. Really? I don't know. I just figured Germans are great with engineering. So if you have a micropenis, you need something engineered. Buildings, Volkswagens, penises. Works perfectly. We say penis a lot on this show, I realize. Yeah. That's when you know, like some of the writers may have been like deprived.
What are you guys talking about in the writer's room? Just penis, penis size, boob size. They're there all day. They don't have time. We'll make it work. They don't have time to go out and find it in the wild. You know what I'm saying? They got to write about it. This is all their fan fiction. Now, where are we? Okay. Oh, yeah. She says, take care of that little rug rat. Oh, my God. So funny.
Yeah, then Jess is just like, listen, forget it. Here you go. I'll log you into Ask Jet and pay for the kitty cam and all the other bonus features. Sounds disgusting. I know. What is that? I don't want to know. And then she kind of has that moment of like, I'm no better than you guys. I guess I'm shallow too. I couldn't do it. And then they have...
a really big come to Jesus moment as a loft, right? Where she starts to realize like, wow, we all have our thing. We all have our micro P we all have that thing. Is that what they call it? We all have that weird thing that we just aren't that proud of. And then they all kind of start to go around and talk about each other's little micro P moments, which is really weird and strange and very funny. Um,
And then CeCe and Winston caught in a mess around, gone very wrong. Yes. Yes, very, very wrong. Have to pay $1,812 or something to put a billboard up in Koreatown. That's right, because what happens is that Coach sees that CeCe and Winston are screwing around. And he knows this is a fake thing. He's like, this will kill him. This will crush him. You need to fix this. And so they agree that they're going to give him this thing.
this, it's going to happen. And then we cut to that moment. We cut to that moment and we see this massive billboard. I remember this day. I remember being out there and- We went to Koreatown. Yeah, we were actually there in Koreatown. Now, what I can't quite remember, I remember going around and doing the scene. I remember that specifically. What I can't quite remember is, was that picture, I think the picture was actually up there.
Wasn't it? Or was it a green screen? The picture was actually up there. And I feel like it stayed. I just remember people looking. Am I crazy? I don't know. I didn't go back and check. I feel like someone sent a picture and they were like, it was still there. That's an Erin O'Malley question she would know. That's funny. I feel like it stayed for a minute because they really put the billboard up. Yeah, they were like, they paid for it.
They paid for that spot for a second and they kept it up probably for a month. That would have been funny if it were up there for a month. I feel like, yeah, I feel like it was up there for a while. And it's a really nice bow on the end of this episode because Jess says the bank canceled her credit card, which canceled the porn subscription. And he was like, yeah, it was kind of ruined anyway, knowing that you were paying for it. I kind of lost the mojo on it. And then Coach does a little extra extortion.
On CC and Winnie. That's right. Where he talks about the fee that Schmidt's going to get paid, which of course leads to one of the most memorable tags of all time. He's standing alone, Schmidt, in front of his billboard out in Koreatown and just goes. Millionaire. Millionaire. Let me tell you something. I think when my first billboard ever went up, in fact, I remember this. When I saw my very first billboard, it was for a show called Brain Rush on Cartoon Network.
And when I say far from a millionaire, I think, I'm not joking, I think by the time that billboard went up, I may have had like 600 bucks in my account, maybe less than that. So when you have a billboard up, it doesn't mean anything, you guys. It doesn't mean anything. I remember my first billboard that ever went up and it was right at the corner of Sunset...
like Fairfax kind of area or like one block over you know that gas station's on the corner then you'd continue to go in the hills and it was for Ultimate Gamer my first job I ever got in the States and they had partnered with like a gaming eyewear company
And so they had put the billboard up. I got paid $0. And that billboard was up. And like everybody does, if they ever get a billboard, I went there with my friends and we like took a picture in front of the billboard. It was such a big deal. But yeah, $0. But it did feel like a big moment. But I also did in my body go like, this is the beginning. Well, there you go. It's happening. My face is up here. And then nothing happened for a very long time. And when it did happen, it had nothing to do with the billboard. Nothing to do with it.
And I don't think, yeah, millionaire wasn't until the New Girl billboards went up. Even then. Then you had to have a bunch of people on those billboards. Yeah, I know. Millionaires. No. Maybe that's the key. That's the key. All right. When we come back, y'all, we're going to miss around. Back to these messages. We'll be right back. Yeah. And we are back. You know what's funny? You just did that. Oh.
these messages i'll be right back i was thinking about like man the jingle writers in like the 80s and 90s were crazy yeah because i can remember those jingles like do you remember the juicy fruit one how's it go juicy fruit it's gonna move you juicy fruit that tastes that tastes that tastes that's gonna move oh i think i remember i either remember that or that was the canadian version
Maple syrup. So it was maple syrup. That's probably what it was. Yeah, I remember all the jingles from back then. You know. Buy menin. Fun fact. Yeah, it's really weird. That's the world's shortest jingle. Wow. Buy menin. Worth it. That's it. Done. In there. So Hannah, let's do the thing that you didn't want to do in the beginning. Let's mess around. Shall we? Let's go. Here's my question. Here's my mess around question. Okay. I just realized.
This is going to get me in trouble asking this question. Do you think, as a man that has met several women in his life, and knows other men who have met several women in their life, do you think the preference would be too small or way too big? Well, way too big is the preference. Either one, you can't use them. You're incorrect. No, no, no. It's got to be way too big. Because here's the thing. You're saying way too small.
Way too. Yeah, a micro or a hyper macro. A micro, no one can use that. Like no woman is going to be like, I like, I mean, you never know. But there is a strange world out there where women like way too big. Just go to Ask Chat. Go to Ask Chat and it'll tell you there's some women that would really enjoy a way too big scenario. And here's the thing about the way too big scenario. You can make a lot of money that way.
This is true. You can at least have a living. I'm just saying you're limited in preference. That's true. For a man, I would think probably they would rather go way too big than way too small. But I'm saying from a female perspective, one is like a weapon then. Yeah, one is a weapon, but I think there is a world in which no one could use the way too small one.
No one. That's, well, no, you know what I mean? It's almost like on the fringe, there's always people that they'll be like, that's my thing. Are you more likely? The way too small, the way too big. But are you more likely to find someone who's like, prefers it way too small where they get no enjoyment out of it? Or would you like, or with likelihood, would you find a rare group of women that can, that enjoy a really big,
big one. You know what I'm realizing this is? This is really just a Cinderella conversation. This is just really, there's the right foot that will fit into the right shoe for everybody. And the way too big and the way too small will find their people. They will. And Jess was not the person for Matt. Yeah, no. It was a bad fit, you guys. Bad fit. It all comes back to a Disney movie. Doesn't that feel right when we're talking about... Yeah. Especially because Nick Miller has a...
Hog. The word hog is also right in the same bucket as rack. Rack hogs. No racks and hogs, you guys. Get a nice rack of hog there. You know, barbecue time. Oh, boy. Okay, so that was your question. That was my question. My question is less perverted. Okay. A billboard prank is such a good idea. Who would you billboard prank? Ooh.
I feel like you're going to probably make me cut this from the podcast, but I feel like you and Kyle would billboard prank the Here to Help podcast. We probably would. That's a... We probably would. I think that would be a good one to prank. But I feel like I would prank... I would want to prank someone that I don't really know, but I know they're going to see it. You know, like a straight up just like false... I don't know. Something like...
You know how you drive down Sunset and on one side of the street, it'll have like a Netflix billboard that'll say, you know, Mikey Madison is a star, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whenever they're promoting a new Netflix movie. Oh, sure. Sure, sure, sure. I would do that. I would have that same type of billboard. And then I would have something where it says like, Zoe Kravitz called Lamorne Morris yesterday. He did not pick up. He will not return her phone calls. What should she do?
And then just like leave it up there and people will be like, really? And at some point it's going to come across her desk. I feel like she doesn't have a desk, but it's going to come across, you know, like one of her minions. And then they'll show her. You should text her this idea now that you have her number. You should. And be like, hey man, what do you think of this bit? I'm going to put a billboard up. I'm going to prank you. Are you cool with it? I'm going to prank you.
gonna prank you but i also would like to keep your respect and love so will this not change our relationship let me know i'm not in fear of all let's throw you an austin butler off please tell me the truth you know what actually a billboard prank i feel like is a great thing to do but from like a nice prank way like imagine you put one up for your mom
Best mom, her with a big trophy next to her. That would be sweet. Right? Or your daughter. That would be so great. That would be sweet. To do a sweet prank as a birthday thing, just driving around, sunset, and then you see the thing. That would be nice. That would be something. I'd probably do something like that. Yeah. Or I'd prank ... You would probably more do that than anyone. You know what I've done before, though? I was on live, and there's thousands of people looking at it, and I gave out a friend's phone number.
But I said to all the people that was, I said, I said, um, my, I have a friend who loves, and this is, you can ask him, his name is Dom. I told all my followers to send him dick pics. Oh, I remember that. And he was at home. He, he had no idea I was on live. And I put his, I don't know why I did that. I still to this day, I'm like, why would I do that to somebody? Yeah.
He calls me up randomly, blowing my phone up. He's like, dude, what's going on? I was like, wait a minute. He's like, dude, I'm sitting down here with my girl. And I'm sitting down here with my girl. And all of a sudden, my phone starts blowing up. And I'm looking down. It's just dude's dicks. Oh, my God. And he wrote back to somebody. He's like, yo, what the fuck? Why is everybody sending me this shit? They were like, oh, Lamorne said to do it. I was like, OK.
I'm surprised he didn't pull up at your house and be like, hello, sir. He was pretty pissed off and rightfully so. Yeah. I don't know why I did that. That was stupid. I will say, you seem remorseful. I will say, I have never received a dick pic. Hannah, I got. That's not true. In the DMs, there has been a million. There we go. But I've never seen them.
But how do you know? Because, sorry to say, but the men who send the dick pics are really stupid humans. And so they'll say like, I hope you like looking at my whatever. And then it says blurred.
Right. So I've never seen it. I'm not going to look. I don't want to see your pitiful situation. Ew. It's so gross. You never know. So no, that way it's been sent, but I've never seen them. Yeah. There you go. There you go. Yeah. Because they're so happy and proud that they think someone wants to look at it. So they tell you what travesty they've just sent you. And then you just, you're like. Yeah. You don't. Yeah. You can't, you can't get caught sending those things out. Fellas, stop doing that. Stop.
Stop doing that. Nobody wants it. Unless she's saying, hey, can you please send me. That's different. You got to get. Consenting adults, I'm so happy for you. But yeah, that's not. Yeah, no. Anyway, that's our show. That's our show. Thanks for listening. Be sure to follow us on IG at the Mess Around Pod. And man, Alan, you crushed this episode. Yes, indeed, bro. Yes, indeed. Yeah, I'm so happy you came on. It got really weird and so bro-y because it's a classic, man. It's a classic micro. Yeah.
Yep. And I hope that's, I hope they didn't cast him based off of that. What a way to end the episode. Alan. Peace. That was The Mess Around, an iHeartMedia production. Our executive producer is Joelle Monique. Our senior producer is Abu Zafar. Bay Wang provided engineering and editing services. Additional production from Daniel Goodman, Wendy Heisler, and Kyle Chevron. Our theme song was written and composed by Ronald Jukebox Jackson. Catch you next time. Bye.
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