115: Chelsea Handler confronts Tana for stalking her at the airport..
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What's your name again? Brooke. Brooke and Tana. Tana. Tana. But you can call me Tana. Call us whatever you want. You can actually hit me with a bus. Okay, okay. They were trying to find a parking spot for you outside and I was like, I'll just lay down. Like, that's fine by me. Be cool, be cool. Yeah, let me chill. Chelsea.

We're here finally. We're together. Welcome to the canceled podcast. I can't wait to get canceled with you. I cannot wait. I'm exhausted. So I need a timeout anyway, you know? We love a good time. I'm down. And the last time we were together, I didn't even know we were together. I had to hear about us being together on a plane ride to Vegas. Yeah.

From Vegas. From Vegas. Was it from Vegas? Oh, okay. And then I was receiving videos, crazy videos about this crazy girl. And I was like, and they're like, yeah, they're like, she, this girl is freaking out about being on a plane with you. And I'm like, I think I saw that woman. She called me crying. I think I saw her in the jet suite terminal in Vegas. I had to walk out. I saw you walk out. Yes. Because I saw the look.

And that look was like, okay, I could tell that you were one of me. Like we were one unit. So I was like, oh, and then, and now here we are finally, Riu Narce. How beautiful. We're so excited to have you. I can't wait. Gonna throw up probably. Everyone kept telling me, you know, why didn't you say something to her? You love this woman so much. Why wouldn't you say something? And it's so parasocial to say, but I knew you didn't.

want that. I knew you did not want that. You don't want to be. I feel like am I wrong to say that you don't want someone to come up to you, especially of this sort? I wouldn't say I don't want that because that's not really fair. Like when I'm in a public place, I accept what's happening at dinner, sitting down at dinner with my family that I find annoying. Or if I'm in a public restroom, which seems to be a favorite thing to have people to do to follow you into a restroom and then take a picture by a stall. I agree. I think that's itch.

But when I have a fan who really loves me, I will never reject you. You just seemed so in your zone. I also know you're doing your Vegas residency. And I feel like leaving Vegas is just a disgusting feeling, no matter how much comfort you have, jet suite, all of it. Like that feeling that you just want to be home in your own bed. And I was like, that's very sensitive and empathic for you to understand. Yeah.

For all people who are leaving Vegas. I mean, I think anyone... It's a defeating... Have you ever left Vegas in a great mood? Never. You know, I'm from there. I was born in Las Vegas. Well, that explains a lot, Tana. Everything. Tana.

That's what her name is now, Tana. I told her. You could actually. Tana Manginou. That's what I'm going to call you. Tana Manginou. I said Manginou and they said, no, Mangio. And I'm like, Mangiorno? It's like someone smashed their face on a keyboard. Mangiaro is everything, actually. Yeah, Tana Mangiaro. Tana Mangiaro. Why not? Tanya Mangiaro. Tina Mangaloo. I've heard it all. I don't. It's.

I get that it's hard. You know, I hope I marry like a Smith. I, you know, I hope, well, I, that would be exciting. Are you going to get married? I think so. It's, you always, I was, I'm talking to you. Like, I know you once again, I'm like, you always talk me out of it when we hang out and you're my best friend. It's like,

You just, it's so funny. I'll like think I want kids for a second there. I didn't originally in the beginning of my life. And I have a very similar experience to you where I was born into morons or feeling like they were morons at least at a very young age and like all of those things. And I didn't for a long time. I don't know.

And then every time I hear you talk about it, you just like make me backtrack. I just think you're never going to regret. Well, actually, I can't speak for you, obviously, but I think I can. I think you're never going to regret feeling, having the sense of freedom that I feel about

On a daily basis. I think that any like if you're on the fence at all about having children, then you probably shouldn't. OK, but love that and respect that because I feel like we were both born with parents who shouldn't have had children and chose to anyway. Yeah. And I wish they just had the better. My parents, too. Like they just forgot. They were like, oh, I guess we'll just keep fucking. We already have five children. We can't afford it. I'm sorry.

I'm one of six. So my parents just were like, never used birth control. So it was also not really thinking things through. Luckily, they came out with a huge fucking winner. You know what I mean? I know. Well, after six, you'd hope so. Yeah, after six, the odds are one of them is going to be a winner. And that winner is sitting right here. But none of them are real losers in my family. So we have that. My dad was the biggest loser out of all of us. Do you think that you all came out so great because you saw him and it was like, I don't want to...

be like that? Possibly could be the reason. I know that was like, you know, setting an example, like setting a worse example is sometimes more effective than setting a good example because it really makes you understand that you don't want to behave that way. The way my dad had dealt with people was embarrassing. Like he didn't, he didn't. How did you just think, sip that water again? Can you just sip that water again for me? I sipped that water like I've had 50 needles in my face in the last fucking month.

Are you ready? Okay, yeah. So now I'm like going to perform like I'm sucking a dick. Well, just do it naturally. Okay. Okay. Doing anything in front of you naturally is crazy. I can't. Okay, no. You cannot do that. You're sticking your tongue inside the bottle. Did you see what she just did? She did. Unfortunately. Well, this is what you're doing. Tana. This is what you're doing.

I'm leading with tongue, which I... How can you drink like that? I lead with tongue a lot in life. And then you open the tongue out? You put the tongue back? Yeah, I kind of eat it out a little. I do. Like Amy Winehouse did you in that closet. Did she eat me out in a closet? Was it a 12-year-old Amy Winehouse? Martha McIntosh. I have to think of her fake name. I almost said her real name. Oh my gosh. Wait, I was wondering about that. I'm like, damn, did Martha just catch a stray? No, there's a girl in my book who went down on me, you guys, and her name is Martha McIntosh for the purposes of the book.

That's not a real name. That's not her real name. So don't get it twisted. If you know Martha McIntosh, she's not the one eating you. Do you always change names or just Martha? Only if they're eating me out. Oh, okay. Typically if they're... The most names. Yeah, 90% of people have to have their names changed because of going down on me. But yeah, you only change someone's name if they're a private person and...

you are telling an incriminating story about them. If they're a public person like Andrew Cuomo or Bill Cosby, you can talk about them. Absolutely. How do you come up with Martha McIntosh? Is that where the LSD comes in? Yeah, LSD comes in hot. Yeah. Yeah. We need to talk about your LSD use because I saw a video of you because now I follow you. I'm sorry. No, I'm enjoying everything. I enjoy seeing pictures of your ass every single day. I mean, have you ever seen somebody spend more time in snow that isn't skiing? Oh,

Oh my God. Have you ever been on a set of skis? Metaphorically, maybe like with cocaine, you know, like those slopes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been on those slopes as well. Yes. And you go into these ski environments and you just get naked. I hope this was inspired by me. It was. Okay. Thank you. Well, you shaped me as the entire person I am. I love it. I love it. But have you ever snowboarded or anything? I would die, Chelsea. I,

I would do it for you. You just love going into the snow? No, I actually fucking hate the snow. It's all my boyfriend wants. And I hate saying that to you, you know, but it's... It's okay. It is what it is. It's okay. You can hate the snow. I hate the snow. I didn't create snow.

My boyfriend, for his birthday, wanted to go to the snow, so I obliged. And then I decided that the only thing I can do there really is be a whore. They all went to hit the slopes. And then you were just like, let's take pictures of me. Totally. I get it. I get it. It's a fun setting to take pictures of. It is. You started skiing later in life, you said? No. I mean, I've always skied, but I got really good late. Once I turned...

I was like, oh, I'm not fucking around. I had a boyfriend who left me on a mountain. And this is a story that I wrote about in my book. And we were skiing with the Kennedys at the Sundance Film Festival. That was my first date with this fucking asshole. And he left me on a double black diamond. And I was not equipped to ski down this. It wasn't even... It was like a cliff. Like you had to...

hop over a cliff on your skis, like jump into the mountain. And I was like, no, I can't. So I took my skis off right before that jump and turned around and hiked up the mountain with two other people in the group who also got freaked out. Normally, a person would have been on a first date like that with a guy and been like, oh, that's a huge red flag. I dated him for another two years. No, you didn't. I just wanted to get better at skiing after that. I love it.

I love that it was to Spider-Man. But also, what that taught me, are you here with the ice? It's okay. Walk freely. Oh, thank you so much. This is going to be so much better with ice. Thank you. And why I wouldn't get ice for Chelsea Handler. Ice and snow are the two things I care about the most. I should have imported snow. Here, I'll give you... You want to grab...

Here, I'll make your cup. No, you don't make mine. No, I'll make you a cup. I'm really, this is all I can do. She's a homemaker. Yeah, I'm a homemaker. I'm a domesticity goddess. So I went skiing with these Kennedys and I was like, after that experience, I was like, I will never, ever get stuck like that again. Like, I'm never going to be in a situation. I hate when ice does this. Hold on a second. Yeah.

My roommates just cussed me out for like never using the ice scooper. Oh, no, I don't use a scooper. I just, it's like I have two. I just washed my hands like the other day. Trust me, if anyone is not worried, it's me. Okay, there you go. When I found out that you only wash certain spots in the shower, I've never felt so seen. I think anyone who's scrubbing their shins has too much free time. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's a, yeah, I do too. I don't understand what people are washing and I don't understand the time that people are spending in showers. I couldn't agree more. What are you doing in there? Like, I mean, if you're not, I don't think your girls are jerking off in the shower, are they? I'm not. Put this in the cooler right here. I mean, it's not really a cooler anymore.

Nailed it. It looks beautiful. This weekend I was at my sister's birthday and there was a big thing of like a glass baking dish of pork carnitas that my aunt had brought up. And she was going to make chila chiques or chila chiles. Chila chiles. Chila chiles. And chila chiclets. Okay, my orca baddie. And then I went in to go get some of it out. She was putting it in the frying pan.

And I guess I took the wrong like utensil, like it was a spatula and I should have grabbed a spoon or something. And just like carnitas just went all over like the edge of the pan, everywhere but the pan. And my family just looked at me and they said, just get out of here. Stop trying. Stop it. Like what happens when you touch food is so gross. Like you don't come in anywhere near the kitchen again. And I'm like, no fucking problem. Yes, I do those things on purpose. Yeah.

It's like weaponized incompetence. In the kitchen, I do everything exactly wrong, so no one wants me in there. Yeah, weaponized incompetence. I like that. Yeah, that's what I am. The Great Rewards Hunt is on, so join the adventure with DraftKings Casino. For fun, seekers follow the trail to huge jackpots, weekly bonuses, and exclusive games. Plus, new players can get their losses back up to $1,000 in casino credits on their first day. Just sign up with code CANCELLED and start playing to get up to $1,000 in casino credits back

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Is this why you're sober now? I saw that you were sober online this morning. Yes. Something about she may quit drinking or whatever, but she's not going to stop. You were promoting some product. I don't remember what it was. Oh, I was promoting weed. Oh, okay. So you can smoke weed. I smoke weed. I can do everything else, honestly. I just can't drink. It's funny. When I got to the Caitlyn chapter of your book, I was like, I am Caitlyn. You know what I mean? Oh, I see. This is delicious.

I just want to say that my owl's brew is fucking delicious. I've never had the mint one on ice and this is delicious. It really is fabulous. And I've never debated relapsing for a product until this. And as long as you can do other drugs, let's just stick with those. Yeah. I agree. You know what I mean? Nobody likes the sloppy drugs. 100%. You know what I mean? And as long as you can enjoy other drugs, let's, I get it. And I love,

that I feel like I can do all of the other things but the alcohol for me it's like oh my god to know your strengths and weaknesses especially when using drugs and alcohol 100% you know there's nothing people who are hot messes when they drink it's not fun to be around and that's where I got to you know what I mean I was just like I can't keep being this person that everyone's like oh my god here she fucking goes again you know and I miss how by your regular personality that if you added alcohol to that it's a fucking forest fire

Tasmanian devil. I'm ruining my life. I'm ruining everyone's life around me. And I held on to it for so long. There's Vegas in my blood. I was like born drunk, you know, but. What happens in Vegas during the school year? Where are people up to? It feels strange that people are like from there or actually like live there. By the age of five, I was like, why the fuck would anyone have children here? You know, it's it is a place that's run on sex, drugs, alcohol, money, murder, all the things like it's true. It blows my mind.

Yeah. When people are like, were you born in a casino? It's like essentially, yeah. But it's so depressing. You know, like Vegas outside of like a casino. Like when you go outside and you go to restaurants or like I had a boyfriend, Joe Coy, lived in Vegas, had a house in Vegas. And I was like, I can't.

he's like, we're going to spend time. And I'm like, listen, I'm not a tax evader. I don't need to live in Vegas. Okay. I think about it often. The realest shit I've ever heard. It is depressing and it is dark. And I guess you learn to like exist. You become one with the darkness and the chaos and whatnot. And I,

Yeah, I had to get out of there. I mean, I moved here like 10 years ago. Well, you had to move here to get canceled. 100%. You had to get canceled in Vegas. Yeah, because everyone's just canceled. Everyone just has nothing going for them there. What is your background with being canceled? Because I know your podcast is called Canceled, and I came here to get canceled. So I want to know what happened. God, Chelsea, that is such a hard question to answer because I think I've never not been being canceled. Really? It's even similar to you when you were kind of... You were talking about... You went on...

I forget what it was, a radio show and you were talking about your ex man and then he sent you the email. And it's just I'm always just saying shit and I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. And I'm always getting in trouble for it. And I always have been. I mean, again, no one really raised me and I started doing this very young. So I was kind of just like a banshee child on the Internet, putting it all out there. And it was just a matter of time before people were enraged. Yeah.

Well, then, yeah, mission accomplished. Yes. Have you ever properly been canceled? I don't believe so. No. That is actually amazing, especially as a comedian. I know. I know. It's almost like impossible. Well, I mean, if my show Chelsea Lately were on now, I probably would have been canceled at some point just because of our work environment. It was just ridiculous. Like this is ridiculous.

The things we did to each other, there was nudity. There was like people were everyone was it was unhinged. Yeah. And it was some of the most fun times of my life. But it was inappropriate. Like now you couldn't do those things in a workplace environment. Or maybe you could because Trump is back in office. Who knows? Maybe anything's possible now. Regressing. Just re-regress back to the 1960s.

I would love to know what a day in the life on the set of Chelsea Lately was like, because obviously we saw the madness on television every day, but I can't imagine. I was way too young to be concerned. I was just so excited every day. First, I would come into the office. I would go to other people's computers that weren't at their desks and I would send emails to human resources from their desks.

complaining about different people in the office, I would say, this is Jonathan. You know, I'm coming out later today. I just want to let human resources know I'm going to do it on air. And they'd be like, please do not come out on air. That's a private issue. It has nothing to do with the show. They were called. We would just I would I would try to set up. There was one woman at home. There was always like standards and practices that were always up our asses because they're like, you can't say pussy. You can't say.

I'm like, just bleep me. Yeah. It's funny. And they'd be like, no, it's too far. Like you could say, you could say anal, but you couldn't point to the asshole when you said anal. You had to learn all of these arbitrary rules. So like we would just fuck with them because I'd be like, anal, anal, anal, anal, anal, anal, anal.

And then they would call and be like, Chelsea, we told you, you can't say that. I'm like, and then I was dating. Once I started dating the head of the network, then he was getting involved. And I was like, hey, don't even fuck with me. You know what I mean? I'm your girlfriend. Like, you're not going to call me and bother me at work now. He's like, that's not fair. I work here. I'm your boss. I'm like, not anymore.

I didn't know this happened. Did you date him solely just so you could speak more freely about anal on air? No, I was attracted to him. He was older man and he ran a network. And my father was like, he was like the antithesis of my father, like an older man who had his shit together and spotted talent and was like very taken by me, you know, and I liked that. Of

I was young and I was very impressed by him and his togetherness. And he was kind of just obsessed with me. And I like loved it, you know. And then, of course, I was like, get the fuck away from me.

Obviously. Your dating history is so amazing. Random. It is so... Yes, and I'm very much a random dater myself. Are you? Oh, my God. It doesn't feel random to me. I feel like everything makes perfect sense. Joe Coy in 50 Cent. But Andre... The pendulum swing. It's like, I'll date Andre Balazs, who's like, you know, Mr. Like, Elon... Who has Elon. Elon. You know that word E-L-A-N? Like, grace and charisma. Like, he's a hotelier, and he's sophisticated. I mean...

And then I would go date 50 Cent. You know what I mean? And then I would date someone like, I don't know, who else did I... Like Ted Harbert was like, that's the guy from E! He was like straight white business, you know, like just...

just so ridiculous, like almost a caricature of like a 57-year-old man. I was like 32, he was 57. And then the next person I dated was like, you know, like I go from the one end of the pendulum to the next. And they push you there, I feel like. Sometimes like-

Yeah, sometimes I want someone— Like, I really don't want that, so let me go completely opposite. Yeah, sometimes I'll date just some random guy for a few months who's got nothing going on, and, like, they could even be broke, you know? But that gets old, obviously, too. I don't have a type. I just like a variety. Have you ever dated a woman? Not dated a woman. Just a lot of—

Carpet munching moments. Finger-blasting and stuff like that. But you don't munch. I don't. Not typically. Have you munched? Yeah, I think I have. You tried it out? Yeah, I've done that in a threesome environment. You know, everybody's got to do their bidding. But I'm not in my spare time. No, I'm not dying to go down on women. You know, I like men. Which is so funny. It's so funny how much you are sexually attracted to men but then also hate them.

Yes. So was it a lot of hate fucking as well where you're like, I hate you, I hate you? No, I don't fuck the guys I hate. I don't hook up with men I don't like. And I don't hate men. I just am disappointed. You know what I mean? Yeah. They've become a little bit unfuckable. Not all of them. Many of them.

So but I find men who are on our team and are on women's side and do find like powerful women attractive. I can be friends with men like that and I can have sex with men like that. But a lot of men that think that they can handle independent, strong minded women really can't. They go into it thinking I'm cool, I'm down. But then they somehow become emasculated at the idea that they can't give you anything.

what you already have. Like, I don't need you to buy me jewelry. I don't need you to even pay for things. I mean, it would be nice, you know, like that's a nice aspect, but it's not a requirement. I don't need somebody who has money. But,

Once men realize that their contributions are limited to being a good person and decent and fun. Can't do that. Then they're just like, wait, this doesn't feel like I'm contributing. They become a little emasculated. So a lot of men have dated me and been like, I can handle you. And then they can't.

And then do they try to change you? I just, I can't imagine a man having the balls to try to change Chelsea Handler, but I'm sure that you've experienced that. Yes, I've had men try to change me. Yeah, which is crazy. Yeah, I had a boyfriend who told me that he didn't think it was appropriate for me to be alone with men while we were together. Yeah.

Oh, come on. I wanted to be like, I'm sorry, have you met me? Like, have you read anything I've ever written or heard anything I've said? Like, what year do you think I'm living in? Yeah, we need realistic goals. So that was stupid. Yeah. And he was an idiot, you know, and I had to break up with him. You're very good at... Breaking up? Yes. I am good at it. You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday. How can you find Amazing Candidates Fast?

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And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit. To get your jobs more visibility at Indeed.com slash kids and family. Just go to Indeed.com slash kids and family right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, Indeed is all you need. What you're hearing is hardy fiber cement siding living up to its reputation as the siding that handles hail impact with ease.

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Protect your reputation with exterior products by James Hardy. I was, yeah, I was just listening to you in your book say like, you know, a breakup doesn't define you. Like there's worse things happening. I'm like, can not relate. Like it is the end of the world. I can't handle it. As you get older, you will be able to handle it. That helps. It's experience and wisdom. Like you, as you get older, you realize that,

Nobody fucking matters. You know what I mean? You can be in love with people. You can care about people. But if they're taken away, you have enough resiliency and resources within all of us to deal with anything. And a breakup is like, do you know how many fucking men there are in this country alone? Like 175 million men.

You can find another one. Like, I know there's too many, but you can find another one. And that's just this country. We have, there's Chinese men, there's Indian men. There's, you know, you find one you're interested in. There are men everywhere. So like a breakup to me is just another exciting adventure. Like, I really, it's an exciting, cause you're like, okay, what's next? Yeah. I

look back at all the times I was like there's no one else like him I'm gonna kill myself it's like good yeah like that's youth you think that their life is over when something bad happens career wise or like relationship wise when you're in your youth and once you get older you understand that everyone is like pretty much a number it's unromantic but it's kind of like comforting is what it is but it's

Amazing that you're able to possess that thought, but then still be like open to love and like wanting it. And you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I'm open for business. You know what I mean? So like if that comes in love and I fall in love, great. But I'm not expecting to find my...

soulmate or my partner, like that's not what I'm looking for. That's not, if I ran into that, I would be open to it, but I'm not, I'm not setting out to be like, I want to be in, I'm going to be in a relationship by the end of the year. I love the way things are panning out for my life. Like I like the randomness. I like the affairs. I like the excitement. I like a man in different

you know, men in different countries. One of some guy just called me right now, FaceTime me, one of my potential suitors. And I was like, God, I can't wait to see you in Italy this summer. Like, how fun is that? Yeah. You know, that's what I wanted my life to be like when I was a little girl. I wanted adventure, adventure, adventure. And to me, um,

Like the idea of committing or like an engagement or any talk of marriage to me has always represented the end of the party. Yes. You know what I mean? And I want the party to continue. Is your dream goal like an open relationship or just...

sincerely just different partners experiencing different things. I wouldn't mind just having like three recurring characters that are, that are, that I would be completely honest with, you know, like you're in my life, he's in my life and that guy's in my life. One at like, you know, in Spain, one in Canada and one in the States. Um,

I feel like that's reasonable. One for each of your homes. You don't have to run into each other. No, like why not? It's not like the Cosby show. It is like the shows. It's like a sitcom. You're a recurring character. I don't know about the Cosby show. I know. I don't think we can even recommend the Cosby show anymore. Well, it's... Speaking of getting canceled, Tana. God. It's been prevalent on my mind because...

I don't know. Finding that out about you, that you were like obsessed with the Cosby show, is so fucking funny to me because it's just so unexpected. I love black comedy. Like, first of all, that was the best black family. When I grew up, that was the first black family on television that represented like, you know, like he was a doctor. He was a gynecologist. He had his own gynecologist practice in their basement. That is crazy. Now we know why. But at the time, it was like, oh my God. Like,

Theo and Vanessa and Rudy were so cool. You know, I was like this white girl grew up in like all white neighborhood. So to me, I was like, this is culture. Like this is fucking cool. And I wanted in on that family. I wanted to fuck Theo, my brother. I wanted to be their new sister. I wanted to have my friends, Vanessa and Rudy. And then I wanted to have my father, Bill Cosby. And now I don't. And you never wanted to fuck Bill Cosby, obviously pre. No, in my new standup special, I tell Bill Cosby story about him summoning me to his hotel room.

My new stand-up special, I relay that story. And that was the last time I saw Bill Cosby. And guess what? He didn't roofie me. I mean, I just think it's so funny, though. Your point to it would have barely made a dent is so real. It wouldn't have made a dent in me. No. I am a horse. You can't tranquilize me.

So a little GHB, right? That's what a roofie is. Yeah, I believe I have been roofied once. Really? Yeah, I was. Yeah, you're a woman, you're gorge. On purpose? Well, yeah, by someone else. Oh, like I remember. But I was some people do it to themselves on purpose. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's something I would do too. But I haven't done that.

No, I was riffing once because I was at a bar and I remember saying this was years ago in Santa Monica. And I remember saying to my friend, like, I don't feel great. And these guys are very weird. And she's like, let's get out of here. And then I was out. And so we got out like, you know, but you even just being able to say, I don't feel great. I don't. This doesn't feel right. This is not the high. Yeah, I don't remember it like that. I mean, and I know because I've done all drugs. I know what's going to hit when it's going to hit, how it's going to hit. And I can navigate, you know, what's your favorite MDMA?

See, you really inspired me because I feel like I'm afraid of drugs a little bit because of bad experience I've had, but I'm like, fuck, I haven't tried LSD and now I'm reading all about it in your book. I love LSD. LSD is like my favorite because... So in Canada, all of these things are legal, right? And people use like... They microdose...

all of like, there's a lot more openness and legalization of like microdosing in Canada. And a lot of my friends are in this business. They're doctors, they're therapists. So they get the best stuff. When they get Molly, they, they order the Molly. Then they like parse it up, like in their house, in their kitchen. And they put in capsules and they put in a microdose, like 50 milligrams or a hundred milligrams, which is completely manageable. You're not

going wah wah you're like okay maybe I'll take four or maybe I'll take one they get their moon rocks from the moon it's funny too because I always wonder I'm like who's her plug who's Chelsea Handler's drug dealer a lot of people are asking me and I don't want to give that kind of credit to one person until I start getting a better deal of course

I feel like maybe that's where I went wrong. I was getting it like the frat. So I was going, woo, wah, wah. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Right. But Molly, MDMA is great. LSD microdose, I think, is great for like any sort of outside experience. In nature, everything lights up a little bit more and you don't get out of control either. It just kind of heightens whatever experience you're in. But none of the drugs that I do anymore are like, blah, blah. Like you're not in it. No.

I mean, I don't like that. I want to be in like coherent. Yeah. I want to remember. But saying that you want to be coherent, but you love LSD is so crazy. For me, at least I only ever really did like dirty Vegas acid. So maybe that's why. Maybe I've never tried like some some pure shit. Yeah. I'll give you some pure shit. I promise you this is all very good. I buy this sheet every year. Then it's got 363 hits.

And I give it out to people all year long. I just hand it out. I'm like, here, try this. Try this. Everyone is like, oh my God, home run. My friends took it. We went to the Taylor Swift concert in Vancouver. My friends took it and they were like, oh my God, that was the best concert we've ever seen. That was my first Taylor Swift concert I had never seen. And I was like, how would you rate that to the other ones? They're like, this one felt like a spiritual experience. And I'm like, yeah, duh, that's the LSD. Fuck.

Fuck the friendship bracelets. Chelsea Handler is at the Eros tour handing out acid. Yes, exactly. I feel like half the battle is like trusting where it came from. If you gave me a drug, I'd be like, this is perfect. Amazing. But God, if I scare you now, which obviously I do, I just can't imagine the way I would scare you on LSD. Don't scare me. You don't scare me. I appreciate you. I appreciate that. You're such a big fan. And I really do. You don't scare me at all. I think it's very sweet. And I was so excited to meet you. That is fantastic.

so nice the way she's talking to me like I'm gonna make a wish with like three hours left to live in a disability and it's so real it's really nice to meet you sweetie thank you and then I pet you on your head yes and I thank you for that because you really could be like bitch you were so weird the 19 videos after the

The plane experience. But it's just wild. I don't know. It was just so crazy. I felt like I would never, that God almost was going to keep me away from you for your sake. Right. I felt that way about people. Like I had, oh God, there was somebody I had such a bad experience with that I hoped I would never, ever see again. And then I saw that person like immediately and I felt so sorry that they had to deal with me.

So I can relate to what you're saying. I was like, oh God. But like from your perspective, you know what I mean? That's not my perspective about you because why would it be? But when I did that to someone and I remember like,

Like embarrassing myself in front of someone and seeing them. I remember feeling that like, please, I don't want you to have to deal with me. Like, I'm sorry that you see my face. And I really did have to sedate myself today so that I would act accordingly. What did you take to sedate yourself? I took a little bit of a Xanax. And you're just up and like, if I take a Xanax, I'm in bed. I weirdly think I could do anything on Xanax, which is like horrifying. Yeah.

A little horrifying. Xanax is, I gotta say, shout out to Xanax. I love Xanax. I love...

Xanax. So much. And yeah, and you can only, I can only get my prescription filled every 30 days. Which is so annoying. I know it's really annoying. No, I start using other people. I like make them pick it up. You have to go to different pharmacists too. Yeah. It's a whole thing. And then you're like, I'm obviously a drug addict if I have two different pharmacies. Yes. Okay then. I go through that a lot. I do, but I need it. I go to the Pharmacia in Mexico. Oh yeah. That's where my Xanax comes from. Yeah. They have the best Viagra too. You should try that. Oh, I have.

Have you ever taken Viagra as a woman? No. I feel like it would, what does it give you as a woman, like big clit? It's supposed to be, my old roommates used to take it. They like intentionally took Viagra as women and they said it was like similar to ecstasy. Like you're just super touchy. Oh really? Yes. What, male Viagra or female Viagra?

I think there's only male Viagra, right? No, I think women have some sort of version of it. Oh, no, it was male, like Viagra, Viagra. And it made you that way? I didn't take it. My roommates did. Oh, interesting. Interesting. I would try that. It's like a whole thing they used to do for fun. A whole, yeah, basket of drugs I'm missing.

Well, yeah, truly, I just felt like I had to sedate myself today. I was like, I don't ever really depersonalize either. But I was telling Brooke, I was in my backyard and I was finishing up the book and I looked at my hands and I was like, these are so weird. Like these five fingers. And I started to just get all weird about my hands. And I was like, I should take drugs before I see her. Or whatever drugs you need to take. Yes, 100%. And I knew you'd appreciate it. Of course. I personally pre-gamed.

But I heard you say like if you're nervous for something, it means you care about something. That's true. Someone told me that. My therapist told me that a long time ago. And I love that advice because I used to get really nervous like randomly. I go on stage all the time. So it's like not knowing when it's going to hit you would be annoying. And then I'd be like, wait, why am I nervous? I've been doing this for like 15 years. And all of a sudden, I'd have like a nervous stretch. That happens to me. And then my psychiatrist at the time or psychologist, I think he is,

said he was like, you know, that means you care. And I was like, oh, that's a nice way to reframe being nervous. I have a question. You said when you walked in that I can't remember if it was on camera or not, but that you didn't have anxiety. Do you feel like you like were you when you started doing stand up and stuff like were you anxious at all or were you just like? I think that the definition of anxiety like like eclipsed me like I didn't understand that anxiety is pretty much all of those feelings like anxiety is like dreading something that's happening. Right. Yeah.

Like you, like I would have sets in the early parts of my career and it was like all day long. I'd be like, Oh God, I don't like, I just didn't want to like have to perform that late at night. You know, if my set was at 10 50, I'd be like, Oh God, I feel like that's a different, but it's scary when you're doing it at night though. You get delirious and you just start saying shit. And also you're like, you're trying to remain sober and stay up till 10 50. You're like, well, I can't, but, but,

that like I thought is that anxiety and it's like not really like I don't have anxiety in the sense of the word but I've had situations that made me anxious but I don't have anxiety like as a like a pathology what a blessing I know I think it's

your generation, like it started with social media. It creates anxiety. It does. It creates anxiety. If you're on your phone scrolling all day, you're going to become anxious too. Like that's just a natural because you're comparing and thinking about what other people are doing. You're jealous. You did it. You get insecure. Like all of the things that the phone does is make us a little bit crazier and more unstable. I agree. I mean, 100% agree. I mean, whenever it,

people take a break from social media and talk about how happy they are. I'm like, wow, that sounds great. I would love to do that. And there's no reason I couldn't, but I'm like, I just don't feel like I have a problem. You know what I mean? Like many things in my life. And I don't believe I have a problem with this is another one. Well,

Well, you just handle things so well, truly. Like on paper, I guess how much you drink, I guess someone would say is alcoholism, but like not when you're Chelsea fucking Handler. Like, you know, you just. I mean, I mean, I keep my shit together, but I definitely have. I've had moments where my shit has not been together. So how do you navigate that? Because see, I could never get that one down with the alcohol, right? Like it was like, I'm going to ruin my fucking life.

If I keep getting hammered like this and I could never, I don't have balance though. I'm very yin or yang as a person. What are you? What's your sign? A cancer. Okay. There you go.

Cool. What's your sign? Yang. Pisces. Oh, Pisces. Isn't that what cancer is? Yeah. I'm very all in or all out. I'm very emotionally attached to things I do. My mom was cancer. My niece is a cancer. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I believe in these fucking signs, this Western astrology. It seems a little modern. I agree. It seems a little bit like Mormonism, you know, too recent. I want old shit from like Egypt. I want Asterian astrology. Yeah.

I want people to tell me what planet I was born into and what's in my anus and what's in my, I don't believe in like, I'm a Pisces. I don't know what that means. I don't know what a rising sign means. I don't buy all of that Western astrology. Yeah. I used to only pretend to care when I wanted to fuck someone and they were into that.

I believe when it benefits me. That's a big red flag too if a straight man is into astrology. He's not straight. Then he's not straight. 100%. Or he belongs on a farm or like a big sir type situation. And the burning man. Yeah, burning man also can go. I love that you hate that. Burning man and pickleball are my two least favorite topics to discuss. How do you feel about cyber trucks? Same thing as I do about – same way I feel about pickleball.

I feel like if you put that in a Venn diagram, though, there'd be a big crossover. Like people who enjoy one of those things usually enjoy all of that. I agree with you. I think that's absolutely right. Cybertrucks are so ugly. And so but now everyone's vandalizing Teslas. So, you know, I mean, hopefully we don't have to see those much more. I would love that. I really would. I don't know why I hate a Cybertruck. I returned my Tesla. Did you? Good for you. I got a different electric car.

I didn't even know you could return a Tesla. Like, that's so funny. Well, people are putting, like, Hyundai on the back. Because, like, obviously. People, yeah. My sister has her Tesla. I'm like, you better get rid of that. Because there's another electric car that's giving you, like, 15 grand if you trade in your Tesla. And then, so you get 15 grand incentivization to get a different car. Wow. I don't think it's as nice as a Tesla because my nephew had it and he has no money. So, but, whatever. There are other cars out there. So, I suggest everyone get a different car. I'm still on gas cars.

Oh, really? Yeah. I don't drive. You don't drive? What do you do? Rollerblade? I mean, no, honestly, anything with wheels. I think I should always have feet flat on the ground. I'm not really, I'm not really able-bodied. I'm closer to disabled, I think. She doesn't have her license yet, but she's getting ready to get her license. Yeah, it's even crazy.

I'm not getting ready. She's lying for me. And that's what a good friend does. You know, she wants me to not look as right. Right. Because, yeah, to you, you know, but I would just want to say if you were ever to drive, L.A. is the easiest place to find your way around because it's one big grid. Everything is parallel. Like from here, from the valley to Beverly Hills and beyond, it's all just one grid. It's all north and south, east and west.

Same with Vegas and Arizona. Bold of you to assume I know northeast, south, and west. I'm going to get you a compass and a map. Thank you. And once you see it, when I moved to L.A., like, I can't, I have no sense of direction. Mostly because I'm not, you know, really paying attention. Why would I? Why would you? You know, there's navigation and da-da. But, like, when I moved to L.A., there wasn't all that stuff. I moved here in 1993, the year that Al Gore invented the internet. I think that was 94. Yeah, 94. But...

I had, they had this like Thomas guide and you had to use that to get around. And I was like auditioning and stuff. I got lost every fucking day. I didn't know where I was going and I had no sense of direction. And then someone just showed me a giant grid of the map of LA and that like every street runs parallel, like La Cienega, Robertson, you know, it goes on, Doheny. And I was like, oh, okay.

Then I just clicked. And now I never have a problem getting anywhere. You look, if you see the mountains, you're going that way. If you see no mountains, you're going the opposite way. When you explain it that way, it's like, damn, maybe I could. I mean, obviously, it's also just you explaining it. So I'm like, of course I can do it. I can learn. Yeah, I see it now. I'm very ADHD, though. I'm very squirrel. I'm very... Yeah. And I just... I don't want to kill people, people I love or strangers. No, you probably shouldn't be driving. Yeah, I just...

I don't know. I don't know. When they were thinking about, you know. I was going to say she's bought like 11 cars and she's never driven one. Oh my God. I like to give people cars. That's nice. I've done that. She gave me a car. That's nice. What kind of car did you get? A Bronco. That's so nice. I know. I love that. I know. I'm like glad she doesn't drive because she would have had to buy it for herself. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's a beautiful car and I can't, I would much, I'm a passenger princess at heart, okay? I like to click clack on the phone. I'm vaping away. I don't know where I am usually. Like it's, you know, it's nice. Where are you usually besides Vegas and here? Nowhere. Nowhere.

I try to leave L.A. My boyfriend is from Hawaii. He lives in Hawaii. So I go there. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. And Brazilian and a lot of other things. But yeah. So I like to go there. How long have you been with your boyfriend? A year and three months. OK, well, who's counting? Me. Because this is a very different territory for me, I think.

Because you're getting serious in a serious relationship? Yeah, and I just always was like a violent whore. You know, just violent and a whore. You know, like just crazy and...

He's reforming me. I'm reforming myself. This is the first time I've ever really taken something seriously. Oh, wow. Or been with someone who wasn't awful. I hate to say that to all my exes in the world. Yeah, well, it's good to break those patterns. Yeah. As a woman. You don't want to have to keep making the same mistake twice. Yeah.

You know, I don't want to go to summer school. I want to go to Mallorca. I like to make my first experience with everything my last experience if it's not positive. God, that's amazing. I don't want to learn the same lesson over and over again. I'm here to learn all the lessons. So like once I get one, like it's like when you get rid of like, you know, like

bad relationships in your life, it's like you elevate yourself to a higher set of standards. And then there's another level that you can get to. And then another level. So like, I think that life like that, like, let's keep getting higher. And let's keep setting the standards higher, because then what you attract is higher, higher. And that's the way to look at life. I feel like I dated the same caliber of person in a different skin suit. Exactly.

You know, like a thousand times. Which is what many of us do. That's very typical. So to break that pattern, to be a cycle breaker is what it's called, is really important. Not only for you, but for all the people around you and all the women around you, you know? It's good to like, sometimes when I'm breaking up with someone, I'm like, I'm just doing this for all women. Yeah.

Like this isn't acceptable for any women. Any woman, I'm going to fucking do it. Yeah. I feel like I finally did break the cycle in that sense. Yeah, it sounds like you did. Yeah. And you have a solid relationship for a year and three months. That sounds solid and steady. It's good, honestly. It's good. I'm giving it my all. I mean, before that, I truly was only attracted to people with like face tattoos, lack of parents, people who look like they eat cigarettes, people who don't.

Have you ever dated anyone with a neck tattoo? Of course. Yeah. So many. And that's just to do that. You have to be a different, a different, just to feel that pain. And they weren't even good neck tattoos. That's the thing is I was liking the people who wanted like misspelled words across. Right. No regrets. Oh yeah. Very no regrets. Yes. Wow. Yes. Wow. Interesting. Yeah.

I finally went very outside of my natural type and obviously found a decent person. And, you know. You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday.

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Check engine light on? Take the guesswork out of your check engine light with O'Reilly Veriscan. It's free. Ask for O'Reilly Veriscan today. Oh, oh, O'Reilly. Auto Parts. And what about you? What's your situation? I'm in a relationship too. No neck tattoos, but it's newer than hers. It's like eight months. Okay, but you're into him? And now we have no podcast topics. I know, we're in an era right now where it's like almost like...

because I mean, we made this whole situation out of like talking about horrible things we're doing and that are being done to us. And now we're like, fuck, like he made dinner last night. Right. That's the way it goes. Did you struggle with that, Chelsea? Like making. Well, no, I do. I continue to struggle with just in eras of your. Well, I guess you always find a way. That's why you are who you are. And you're the woman that you are. You always find a way to write about anything that's happening in your life and make material out of it. Did I struggle with.

Like, have you ever had just lulls in topics or lulls in inspiration? Like, where do you find... This is good because this is important for everyone to hear. And this is... I think I read this today, too. And I feel this way. There are seasons of planting and seasons of harvesting. Like...

truly, you're not supposed to be creative all year long. You have periods where you have bursts of creativity, right? Where you have bursts of inspiration and you're like, okay, I want to work. And then there's periods of time where you have to go have those experiences. So you fucking have something to talk

about. So I find that like the time off is as important as the time on. So I take my vacations very seriously because those are the experiences that end up giving me the most material and the most stuff to like reflect on. And also what's the point of working so hard unless you're going to enjoy your fucking money and share it and sharing it and bringing people along with you to me is like

the greatest gift you can give anybody, you know, to be able to be like, I'm taking all my friends to wherever. I couldn't agree more. I mean, that's the best feeling. It is. And you always, you go out of the comfort zone too. Like I'm always doing that. I'm like, oh, I'll take the friends to Cabo for the 97th time. But like the fact that at one point you were just like, we're going to go to Uganda for not no reason, but you know what I mean? Just for the fuck of it. And like,

You're just very good at getting out of your comfort zone as well. I'm going to Antarctica this year. You're lying. I'm excited about that, yeah. Oh, how exciting. What are you going for? This group goes on these trips. This group plans these trips, and I met them. I was going to South by Southwest last week, and I hopped on. I got a plane ride with some people, and they were like, oh, we just got back from Egypt. We rode down the River Nile. It was like this crazy trip. I'm like, what kind of trip? And they're like, we're doing one in Patagonia, and we go to Antarctica. And I was like, oh, I would...

like in on that. Like if it's like, where is Patagonia? Patagonia is in the, like the southernmost part of South America. And that's like where, right where like Argentina beyond there, that's where you go to go to Antarctica, like beyond like Chile, like go down to the southernmost tip. So, and then you go and you see all the icebergs and you see all the penguins and you see, I think they have polar bears, right? In the south,

Is that the north? No, no. You sleep polar bears. Anyway, it's going to be gone soon. So it's all ice. So it's like really cool to see. And it's like an archaeological expedition. But I've always wanted to go to Antarctica. Anyway, a guy from the company, I was like, call me. I want to come on this trip and I'm going to bring a couple people. And then he called me and I was like, listen –

do you want me to do anything on this trip? Like in exchange for the trip, you know, like I can talk, I do stand up or I could be interviewed. And he's like, why don't we just interview you one night at the end of the trip? And I was like, great. Can my friends come for free? And like, you know, I'll pay for my thing. And he's like, yeah, definitely. So I'm like, great. I really thought you were going to say, can I suck your dick or something? No, I would never say, can I suck your dick to anyone? Why would I? I mean, I don't think you have to. Yeah. Yeah. Can I suck your dick?

Wow, I've said that. I should kill myself. And has anybody said no? I don't think so. I hope not. So it's kind of a rhetorical question. Yeah, I guess that's true. If you're really ready to suck dick, I think everybody's going to be open to it. What guy is going to be like, no, you can't suck my dick? You know? I just don't know why I immediately went to sexual favor in my head versus like an interview. For Antarctica too. Maybe.

Maybe just that would be better. Old habits die hard. They do. They do. You know that, Tana. It's so funny because my name is Tana. Like my parents, like T-A-N-A is Tana, like Lana. You know what I mean? What about like, oh no. But my parents just didn't know phonics, you know, and bless their heart. Do you have brothers and sisters? Oh, so you don't have any other names to compare and contrast to.

No, no, no, no. I don't. I was born an only child. My best friend's family ended up taking me in. Oh, they did? Yeah. Oh, did you have a bad childhood? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. But I mean, I wouldn't change it. Right. You know? I mean, listen, bad childhoods is what makes us like salty and resilient. And so I- I love salty and resilient. And being from, I'm from New Jersey, so I am salty. Like everyone from New Jersey is salty. But I love an East Coast bitch. Yeah.

me too. And I love being from New Jersey. It's better than going there. You know, like, like I'm headed there in life, you know, like moving to New Jersey as an adult, like, like there's, that's not a cool thing to say. I'm moving to New Jersey, but being from New Jersey is a better, you know, I'm from New Jersey. So people know, oh, she's,

Going to be a little bit tougher. Yes, but I love that. I always say that I feel like people from Vegas resemble the same things as people from the East Coast. Like just that being more brash and being more... Yeah, gritty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It is just... But I mean, yeah, with the childhood, I don't know. I guess I wouldn't change it. You know, it's like... You always talk about how like...

kind of knowing that your parents, you know, knowing you were smarter than your parents from a very young age shaped who you were as an individual across your life. And I resonate with that so much, you know? Yeah. I mean, I don't know that I was smarter than my parents. I was more ambitious than my parents.

I was more ambitious. I knew what I wanted and I was going to get it. And anyone who got in my way was going to get tossed to the side. Absolutely. Were you literally like that as a five-year-old? Yeah. So do you think you were truly just born like that? I was born with like, I was like, oh, I felt like a celebrity when I was born. And I was like, what is this welcoming?

Like, this is not appropriate or commensurate to the way I felt about myself. I had high self-esteem at a very early age. I valued my opinion. I thought I had a lot to say. And I thought people should respect me. And even when I was a baby, I felt like I was trapped in a baby's body and that I was a woman. And I wanted to start my life.

and split ties with these people that said they were my family. They are not on the same page as me. Like I wanted to have a housekeeper. I wanted to have multiple homes and residences. I wanted to travel the world. And I was like, these people will just bring me down. Talk about manifestation. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. Totally. But never ever was there a moment in my life where I was like, I was unequivocally set. Like,

I knew exactly what I was going to do. There was never a question like, maybe I'll become a teacher or an accountant or there just wasn't. Like, I can't do anything else. So I, but talk and entertain and like inspire and, and support, you know, like that, those are the things I'm good at. So that, that you, once you get,

find out what you're good at, you kind of have to run with that. And it's just like what you're saying, like this whole career that you've built for yourself and getting into trouble and not really being canceled. You know, you joke about being canceled and you may have felt canceled at times, but this is what you're good at. And once you get good at what you're good at, then nobody can stop you.

They honestly needed that. I feel like I'm at church. This is so fucking... I almost cried and I'm holding back my tears because I'm not fucking crying in front of Chelsea Handler right now. But it is so fucking crazy that you are sitting across from me saying that to me right now. And I never really give myself time to feel accomplished. And today feels like one of the greatest days of my life. This is all I could have ever wanted. I just idolize you so much. And I don't idolize anyone else in the way that I idolize you. Thank you. Like you are just...

so fucking outspoken and so powerful and you always have been and it's in just a world where people want nothing more than women like us to shut the fuck up you never have for even a second and if I could even be a sliver like the woman that you are I would truly feel so accomplished in my life and I can't believe you were just saying that to me it's I know but look where you are now I mean how I mean you're right that's awesome look what you've accomplished

Thank you so much, Chelsea Hamler. Look at that. It's awesome for both of you. It means the world to me. And you should enjoy yourself. Like, I understand what you're saying, like, about...

I want to say something about that. Like, I think it's really important for all of us to always, A, remind ourselves of our value, remind of ourselves of how far we've come because you get lost in this and you get lost in the shuffle. And especially when you're in this industry, it's always like, it can feel like a rat race, but you have to think about where you came from, what your story is and how you got here today and remind yourself of the power that lies within you. You're so right. I feel like,

I am finally in this era of my life where I'm prioritizing taking the time to stop and slow down and be proud of myself and see all that I've accomplished and whatnot. And it is, it's wild because you battle with that. I think at first it's like, no, I have to keep going. I don't know. Fear has always been my biggest motivator, you know, fear that this could all go away or,

fear that I'm not good enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm not whatever. But there is a point where it's like, wow, look at all the things, I guess. And also reflection, like reflecting back to the childhood version of yourself, reflecting back to who you were when you were 15 or 16, thinking about all of the growth and all of the learnings and like everything that you've done

like there's a lot to be proud of. You know, you're the reason you're here. You're the reason you got yourself here. You're the reason you're going to get yourself through the next five, 10, 15 years and all of the net, all of the upcoming accomplishments. So it's very important for women to really think about that. Think about all of the things you've done. I feel like that's kind of a lot of what your new book is as well. And it's cool how much just to hear you, I don't know, talking in this book about your new life and, and,

just all the reflection and the therapy and everything. I swear I started reading this book and in like the first chapter or first or second chapter, you start talking about sunshine and rainbows. And I was like, where is Chelsea Handler? Like this is, you're almost in this like, uh,

You're more positive than ever and more self-reflective than ever and more the gratitude as well. I feel like that was one of my biggest takeaways from this book, like reading your pages where you were writing the things that you're grateful for each day and putting those in the book, I think was such a cool power move, by the way. It was just like, it inspired me so much. I was like, holy fuck, that's so cool. You know, when I came to LA and people talked about fucking gratitude and yoga and

You know, chakras. I was like, oh, come on. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. And then you get to an age where you're like, okay, well, wait, this isn't working. I'm a fucking angry. What's wrong with me? And then you realize, like, the more I read about energy and gratitude and, like, the vibe you're putting out is the vibe you're going to get back. And when you really intentionally try to be a happy, optimistic, positive person, the things that come your way

are endless. And the things that match that energy are endless. And the same goes for being in a shitty mood all the time or being negative all the time, then that's what you get. You get negativity, you get things that don't go your way. When you focus on being a victim, or you got fucked over by this person or that person. It's all bullshit. Like move on, you're you're strong enough to move past that. And when you do focus on the positive, the more the more you get. So that's why I'm positive because I'm like manipulating the universe. I'm like, bring it on.

I love it. I love more, more, more, more. You're so right. That's really what it is, is manipulating. You want me to write a gratitude list? No problem. I'm grateful. I love drugs. Thank you for them. I love my dog. Thank you for my dog. I love my house. Thank you for my house.

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It is. As someone who has been a very pessimistic person,

A lot of my life. I was like that for many years. I was always like, sarcastic. I mean, I'm still sarcastic. I'm never going to wash that out. We know. But I mean, why not be like bouncy and full of joy? You know what I mean? The world's just fucking, we're all going to die.

So I want to be in a good mood. When I cross over, I get collected by the right people. I feel like I struggle a lot with like self-awareness in my adulthood. And I feel like I should be a little further along than I am. So I feel like your book was like a good takeaway. I'm like listening. I'm like, she's going to therapy now. She's learning now. Like,

I have time. You definitely have time. I mean, yeah, you do have time. How old are you girls? I'm 26. I'm 28. Oh my God. Oh yes. So this is a perfect conversation to be having because I've been where you are and you have 22, 20, you have 22, 24 years to get where I'm going, you know, where I am right now. So like you already are ahead of the curve.

You know, you're already having these conversations. I wasn't having these conversations at 26 years old. You're right. And I do. I do appreciate hearing that. I guess sometimes it's almost like how you talk about yourself as a baby. You know, you're an adult. I feel like I'm trapped in an 80. Like I feel 80 sometimes just with the lives that I've lived, you know, and I have to remember that like I'm not 80 and I don't know everything and I haven't been through all that there is to go through. And you know what I mean?

Yeah. How do you feel about vaping? I have no problem with it. I was prepared today to wait until you left the building to vape around you because I could just see you being like, hey, stop that. I would never. Wow. Okay. I'm going to hit my vape. Please. All right. Is that a marijuana vape or a cannabis? I mean. No, nicotine. Oh. And I'm a slave to this embarrassing little battery with stars on the side. That isn't the best look.

but go for it. It's the worst look, Jules. You gotta do you, right? You got hypnotized to stop smoking. I did. Sometimes I have a cigarette, though. And that worked? Yeah, it worked for 10 years and then I was like, well, that worked. Now I can smoke again. Have you used hypnotism, you know what I'm trying to say, for anything else? Yeah, I think I used it. I did use it for something else.

What else did I use it for? Weren't you scared they're doing weird shit to you while you're under them? I don't mind. It's not like that. You're awake. You know what's happening, but you're just subdued. Yes. It's not like you're out of it and then all of a sudden your legs are in stirrups. That's what I think. Because I'm a little bit of a skeptic, but so many people have told me amazing things about it. I'm like, wait, maybe I should try it. Yeah, it does work. It worked for me. I quit smoking for 10 years. And then I was in Europe with my girlfriends and they were smoking. And I was like, well, I guess you can't get cancer in Europe.

So I had a cigarette with them. And then I kind of now when I'm in Europe, I'll smoke a little here and there. But, you know, I'm 50 years old. It feels camp over there, though. I mean, once in a while, a cigarette is exactly what I need. It's fucking fun to smoke. Yeah, there's not much you can replace it with. And it sucks because, you know, it's so bad for you. But so this guy...

It puts you half under. Yeah. You're kind of, it's giving laughing gas. You're kind of subdued, but you're still there. It's more of a mental state. He counts you down. He tells you how gross you are for smoking. Basically berates you for like 30 minutes. And he's like, you know what you're putting into your lungs every time you take a hit off a cigarette. And you're like, wow, God, it sounds like I'm a coal miner, you know?

bad stuff. And then he, and you go three times. And on the third time is when you quit. Not the first time, not the second time. You do one once a week for three weeks. And on the third time, he goes, okay, you'll never smoke again. And on my last thing, his name is Kerry Gaynor. And then the last time he's in Santa Monica, he, and the last time I went, he was like, you'll never smoke again. And I said, okay, I'm going out tonight with my friends and they smoke like

what do I do when they smoke? Should I not go out with them? And he's like, no, you go out with them. It will feel, it will be as if you've never smoked a day in your life. And I went out and that's exactly what happened. And I didn't smoke a cigarette for 10 years. That's the craziest thing. I'm doing it. I watched the scary movie where the guy hypnotizes and then he hurts, she's in stirrups, you know, and he does all the things and it scared me so bad. I mean, men are scary. But yeah, that is, I mean, yeah, but I wouldn't go into a hypnosis session assuming I'm going to get raped.

Yeah, I should. You know what I mean? That just seems a little slightly alarmist. I should re-approach my thoughts. Or bring a friend, you know? Like, yeah, go with her. Groupon. Yeah. I guess that's true. It is so true. Did you see that there was a girl who got her wisdom teeth out and she... With a Groupon?

No, I mean, she came out. I shouldn't even be talking about this. She came out of the wisdom tooth surgery and she was celibate. And then she ended up being pregnant nine months later. Oh, dentists do this a lot. I've heard this. There was like a 2020 episode or a dateline, something years ago, where they showed this girl who was taken advantage of or raped at the dentist's office. And she went back and knew she had been raped. So she went back again and videoed it. So she got raped twice.

to videotape it. And in the dentist's office, there are stirrups. And I'm like, I'm sorry, what dentist has stirrups? That doesn't happen. And also voluntarily going back to do it again, just to get the video footage. I don't, nothing this woman did is pretty crazy. But then I'm thinking about it and I'm like, maybe she saved somebody in the future. But like you had to get the

video. Yeah, that's why do I feel like that's something I would do. And don't get put it down or put out. Don't get put down out either. But don't get put out at a dentist's office. Yeah, that's wild. A little too far. Like you get laughing gas. You don't need to be put under for any sort of dental work. I know. And if you do, then you should be in a surgical center, not a dentist's office. Yeah, you're 100%. I only see female dentists after I saw that on 2020 or whatever dateline. Yeah, years ago, like 20 years ago, you guys were six years old. Yeah, four years old. I am too like hyper vigilant of

always like an Uber driver offers me a water and I'm like, and it's like, I don't need to. I'm the opposite. I have blind trust in everybody. Somebody could approach me like in the middle of the street. I'm like, whatever. I'm kind of like that too. I don't think anyone's out to get me, but no one's going to hurt you. Always bring me drugs at my shows. People are always handing me edibles or brownies and my menu. Whoever's with me is like, okay, let's get rid of all this stuff. I'm like, no, no, no.

And my fans aren't trying to poison me. So you do fan drugs. Yeah. She's exactly the opposite. But I feel like you've had enough bad experiences where like it's warranted to me. I'm like, I will eat anything. I'll try anything. I trust everyone. A fan could bring me a closed bag of hot Cheetos and I'm like, they are going to drug me, you know? And it's like, they love you. No, they're not. Like it's too much paranoia. I'm serious. I am like paranoid as a person. Yeah, I'm not. I don't have that gene. I'm not paranoid and I'm not. Yeah. Yeah.

I know that, Jean. I'm Jewish. So a lot of Jews are very paranoid. They're hypochondriacs and they're paranoid. My friend was at my house one night when I, this is at my old house. And she was like, where does, does my dogs at the time, I had these two dogs and she's like, where do they sleep? And I'm like, well, one sleeps on the terrace and one sleeps inside. And she's like, you lock him out there by himself all night? I go, no, the doors are open. Like the doors are open. And I lived in Bel Air at the time. And she goes,

Chelsea, you cannot sleep with your doors open. I'm like, I have a complete security system. I have a gate. I like what you think somebody is going to come in. I'll loop up to my balcony from the God. I would do anything if they can. And she's, but she's a fearful person. Like she lives in fear. She questions everything. And I'm the opposite. I am just like, whatever, you know, like if you tell me if they take me, if they take me, yeah, I, that's the how, kind of how I feel. Like if they get me, well,

Yeah. But I also feel like someone would pull a gun on you and you would like cuss them out and talk them out of it. Possibly. Like you would be like, what the fuck are you doing? You're holding it wrong. And like, this is embarrassing. I'd be like, I was going to do it anyway. Yeah. Shoot me. I'm tired too. Let's wrap this up.

Exactly. I'm not that invested in this life. You know what I mean? It's like my will to live isn't like that high. So it's like, why the, pick one, pick a side, you know? That's exactly how I feel. My will to live is like, I can take it or leave it. Like I'm going to make the best out of it. But also if I'm not going to be around, I'm okay with that too. And what a cool way to die. I'm like really big on like, if I'm going to die young, it has to be in like a respectable way. Like if I get hit on a lime scooter, all my friends have to lie. If I like get shot, like,

huge brownie points. Everyone's like, oh, she got shot. Yeah. No, yeah, if I died in an embarrassing way, I feel like I would try to resurrect to... Well, you know what I mean? Like, if I died, like, and it was, like, a robber, everyone would be like, she's so brave. I do. I used to have these fantasies. I know. I shouldn't even say this out loud because I'm bringing on bad karma. So I won't. I'll skip it. But I used to... I was so excited. You ever have, like, hero fantasies about how you're going to, like, save the day or, like, you're going to save a bunch of people on an airplane crash

I have those. Do you ever have those fantasies? Yes. I used to have those when I was little. Like, I was like, I'm going to be a hero. Everyone's going to know who I am because I'm going to rescue babies off of a plane that has crashed. What strain of narcissism is that? I don't know. I don't know. Because I, no, I suffer as well. It's so weird. But it's very, it's not very, it's not uncommon.

I've heard other people talk about that. No, but I've been there where like an ex-boyfriend does me so wrong. Like he would feel so bad. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like, yeah, vengeful for sure. That's a big wellness for sure, but add it to my list. It's like we should talk more about her book and her special. No, please, honestly. We have. We're good. We're good. Don't worry about it. It's just so good, Chelsea. I mean, God, I mean...

It's wild just how you can still put out a book that is... And again, you're Chelsea Handler. No shit you can't. But it's so fucking incredible. You've been doing this for... This is your seventh book? Seventh book. It's my sixth number one New York Times bestseller. So it's the number one New York Times bestseller, which was incredible news. I didn't go to college. I just...

But you're such an avid reader as well. Yeah, I am an avid reader. But all my brothers and sisters went to college. So I love every time I become a New York Times number one reader to be like, hey, guys, guess who has a number one? It's me again. Me again. The one who didn't go to college. You guys all wasted your time and are in the corporate world and I'm living the dream. And I'm in my orca right now thriving. But I mean, obviously now it's your bread and butter and you kill it and you know how to do it. But like when you were writing, it was my horizontal life that was... My first book.

That was your first book? What?

made you want to do that? Like where, how did you start? I want to know, because I'm in the process of writing my first book. Oh, you are. You are my grandest inspiration. Okay, so let me tell you this. So my first book was My Horizontal Life, a collection of one night stands. I used to tell these stories at dinner parties and people would be like, oh my God, they're so funny. Like I was very good at storytelling, right? I didn't know I could make a living telling stories. I didn't know I could make a living being myself. So that's what you're doing. You're making a living being yourself.

So you, I wrote this book, One Night Stands. Everyone said that no one, no publisher in America wants it. It's too, it's too, no one wants to hear a woman talk about sleeping around. I'm like, everyone I know sleeps around. Everyone I know is in their 20s is having sex with strangers. That's just what you do.

So I got published by Bloomsbury, this company in the UK, this very well-respected publishing house in the UK. They sold that book in 60 countries. How did that even happen? I made $35,000 on my advance of that book, okay? My next book, I was called Are You There, Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea. And...

And that was a book about drinking and drug use. That's the first book I ever read. And being recreationally, I guess, like the first book I ever opened. A book that wasn't assigned to you from school. And that was another subject matter that everyone said, no one's going to want to buy this. No one's going to. But after the success of my first book, then I had a publishing house here say, okay, we're going to pay you a lot of money to write this book.

And that was about a subject matter that everyone told me not to talk about. Drinking, whatever. No one wants to hear about women doing that. So this is two experiences where I've talked about things that were not supposed to be talked about, right? And there are huge successes. Then the most recent thing,

was not having children, right? No one was talking about that really in a big way. Like years ago, I started talking about that and being loud about it. And people were like, oh, you hate children. I don't hate children. Anyone who reads my book knows how many children I have in my life. Anyone who really knows me knows how many children I have in my life, how many people's children, not just my nieces and nephews, other people's children. Like I care about the children of our world. I think all children are everyone's children. When you're writing anything, my point being is that

I've been told over and over again not to do these things, not to talk about these things, that it's going to impact my career. I have been making a living doing this for over 25 years. I have three homes. I have so many beautiful friends and families. I do whatever the fuck I want. Nobody tells me what to do in my standup, my specials, my podcast, my books. I do everything myself.

And I do what I want to do. So when you are truly authentically who you are, you will get rewarded for your authenticity. So I cannot express that enough to anyone who's listening, who is a creative. And even if you're not a creative, you have to be authentically who you are, regardless of what anyone says, and you will have success. That is it. That's why I've always loved you. Yeah. I really like... Because I do...

I experienced the same, similar things where I've always been like too authentic. You know what I mean? And what I say and how I ever started making a living and doing this was doing storytime videos, telling stories from my life and, and,

being so incredibly vulgar and talking about all of those things. And I think that if I hadn't grown up on Chelsea lately and grown up on you, I would have been so much more fearful to be as authentic as I have been. And this industry hates that, you know? Yeah. And it's... Yeah, because they're not writing your story for you. You're writing your own story. But there's so much more power in that than being someone who's placed in a cast.

who's a supporting character in a role or in a movie or something. You have your own avenue to drive down. So there is so much power in that. I don't have to go and do anything I don't want to do because I've made my lane. And nobody can really knock me down because...

I'm good at it. I'm just being myself. You are the best at it. So thank you. But I mean, it's not like I'm arrogant about it. I'm confident about it because I'm capable and I understand that the most authentic I've ever been has yielded the best rewards.

So I just go always for authenticity. And that's clearly what you're already doing. So your book is going to be successful. You just have to be true about who you are. And that's it. It's as easy as that. And share whatever you're thinking. Should I share this? Should I not? Share it. Do you ever get the...

I mean, I'm sure you do, but the little, I mean, I don't know if you do actually, the little bits of anxiety of like, I'm fucking exposing so many people or I mean, even when you give people the fake names, knowing that people are just maybe going to know who the people are anyhow. Well, there's a line

there, you have to protect private people. You do because it's not legal. They can sue you. So it's libelous. And in my book, I've even had to protect some people because there are certain stories in there that aren't flattering about ex-friendships. And I've changed the arc of who they are. Not the arc of who they are. I've changed the details about who they are. I've changed the geography of who they are, the sex. And you just do that. What if you change everything and people still find it out? I mean, you're telling the truth, right?

Well, that's what I'm concerned about. Who, the people you're talking about? Because I've been very public about my life. Right. To where even if I were to change people, I think people would still put two and two together. Well, that's okay. As long as you're not making it clear to the reader exactly who the person is that you're talking about. Even if you've been like, your editor will guide you on these things.

And they will tell you, like, you know, you do a whole legal call with lawyers and everything and you go through every character. Is this a real person? What is true? What are the similar facts? Like, there's enough to change even if you've been vocal. I mean, there are some things that might be off limits. Just be who you are. You don't have to bury other people all the time, but you have to be who you are. You have to be true to your story. And regardless of what you've said in the past, when you're writing it down, that's more permanent. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Yes. Like, that's right. So there are ways to just kind of dance around it. Dance around who the people are and to kind of give anonymity to private citizens. They want. We've struggled with that a little bit where you said it like,

It's not always... It's your story, but it also belongs to somebody else. We struggle with that. Obviously, we want to tell every crazy, horrible story ever. Right, of course. Of course. I mean, yes. Even I have some stories I have to keep to myself that I want to blast from the rooftops. I can't imagine. It's so funny thinking about the things that...

Even the Andrew Cuomo thing, I was like, there's no fucking way she's saying this shit right now. How'd you get that cleared? Because he's a public person. Okay. He's a public person. So public people- So I can shit on celebrities. It's a different set of rules. Yes. If you had a bad experience with some celebrity and you wanted to call them out, you can do that because they're public. So private citizens have more laws protecting them.

So that's so interesting. Yeah, it is. So that's why you have to disguise private people. And, you know, you can expose others. In my book, I've exposed like a bunch of people, famous people, Woody Allen. I mean, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby. It's so funny. They were your idols. It just like...

Really bad lineup. Seriously. That was my bad taste in men, but I don't have any bad taste in men anymore. Where do you do your best writing? What does that look like? For me, I've noticed it's on a plane and I've literally debated to finish this book just flying back and forth from London. I do a lot of writing on planes. I get, I get a, yeah, but I also do a lot of writings like, I don't know,

I don't know. I don't have like a regimen. I just kind of, I don't ever put pressure on myself. When I want to write, I write. And then when you write, you write more. Like, you know, like I'll say for a week, okay, every morning get up and write two hours for one week. And then on the fifth day, you want to write, even though you don't have to, you know, like, you're like, oh, okay, I'll go do that. And the more you write, the more you want to write. Mm-hmm.

And so you get yourself into the zone and then you get into like the flow state. And then you're like, oh, I love it. Then you're looking forward to writing. And then you come home and you're like, oh, I know something I could put in that story. And here's a detail I forgot. And here's a person that was there. And this is a funny piece of dialogue. And then it just becomes kind of addictive. And the creativity is like, oh, you know, you've got your juices flowing.

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Do you feel like authors get better or worse as time goes on? Because sometimes I'm like, I don't want to read a book later on because I'm like, they ran out of all their good ideas. No, I think writing gets better. You think so? I definitely think you get better. I've definitely gotten to be a better writer. Before I was like, like it was just jokey, jokey, jokey. Now there's introspection, there's depth, there's reflection. I think you get, it's like you get better with age. You just do. You have more experience, you have more wisdom, you have more to share and you understand people and you have more empathy

I never gave a shit about what anybody else was feeling or going through. I'd be like, I had sympathy, but I was like, I never imagined what it would be like to be a person who was going through a hard time. So as you age, you pick up all of these tools and

you know, so you get stronger and you're like, you know, it's sexier. Like, you have more to say and you have more confidence in your own, in your capability. So you do get better. It's not just about the ideas. It's about, you know, like, becoming more and more and more authentic. With personal growth, I feel like

this is your best book almost. It is crazy how much I've always really loved life will be the death of me though. Like it's that one. Yeah. Thank you. That one is so good. It's just that they're both my favorite, but I did find myself crying a lot across this book. Like, and I don't know what it actually is. I need to see a therapist in this one, but the, the oopsie poopsie of it all had me sobbing because it's before this book, one of my major questions, because you have been so vocal, especially across these past,

few years about you not wanting to have kids. And I do feel like it maybe was publicly perceived more so as like a disdain for kids. Yes. And so I was going to kind of ask you, you know, have you like even just finding out Joe Coy has a son? Uh-huh. And just I was like, I was going to ask you about when I found out he had a son. Right. Dating people with children and then you go into that all of that in this book and it

I don't know. It just humanizes you in such a different light and it's cool. Thank you. It's just, it's really cool. I don't know. We talked about it. Yeah. Before you came, but like oopsie poopsie and wootsie was like a major takeaway for me too. Cause I like, I was sobbing too much though to an embarrassing fucking point about it. Like she and I both grew up like in very like neglectful homes. And I like, I didn't have anyone step in as such like a large figure, but like I'd smaller people come in here and there that were like very impactful for me. And I feel like you were that for them. Like, yeah, I just, in little ways, like,

you know, like friends, parents who would like jump in when mine wouldn't. It was so like valuable to me. And so I read it and I was like, how special. Yeah. I mean, it's really important for people to be seen, right? It's really important for children to be seen. I had someone like that in my life, my third grade teacher.

Her name was Mrs. Sheckman, and she would always say, like, you're so special. You're going to do something really special. You're going to impact so many lives. And I believed her, you know, and my family knew, like, I was going to do something too. But it was nice to hear it from an outside source that didn't really have anything invested in me, you know. And I think every child needs to hear that they're special and that they have something that no one else has, regardless of what that talent is. You know, we're there to provide that for children. And I take...

I take my parenting pretty seriously. Like, you know, like I want everyone to feel seen. I don't want people to feel like shit. I want people, I want our girls to be confident young girls and I want people to feel self-assured and I don't want everyone to feel so insecure. I hate that. But God, you are just selling me on the no kids thing. It's so nice to clock into the stepdad role and then clock out and fuck off. Like it's,

Oh my God. It's wild. Every time I listen to you talk about it too much, I'm like, wait, I just, yeah, take the whole uterus out, throw it away. Yeah. Yeah. But first get an ablation. We're going to talk about ablations. I want to do a PSA for women who are listening, who don't want children, who are sure that they don't want children. There are, you could, I don't,

I don't know anyone who wants their period when they're not planning on having a child. I got an ablation. My sister told me she got an ablation like five years ago and I was like, what's that? And she said, oh, they go in and scorch your uterus so your uterine lining just... So it stops shedding? Yeah. So they basically like

Like cauterizing it almost. Yeah, like they fill up your uterus with hot water so that it kills all of like the uterine lining. You don't feel anything. It's a 15-minute procedure. And I was like, wait, what? And she's like, yeah, and I won't get it because she had bad periods. And I was like, oh, well, I want that. And she's like, but you don't have bad periods. I'm like, I don't want a period. At all. Why do I need my period? It's a pain in my ass. I woke up like the movie Carrie this morning. It's everything. It's so unfair that we have to do that and that you have a tampon in sideways right now. So sideways, Chelsea. Yeah.

That is sad. Giving my horizontal tampon. Yeah. That's what the name of your book should be, My Horizontal Tampon. Yeah.

And I was like, oh my God, I called my gynecologist and I was like, I want an ablation. And I just found out about an ablation. I want one. And she said that they're not really elective. I go, yeah, yeah, they are now. And I'm getting one. And if you don't give me one, I'll go get one somewhere else. I will get a blowtorch and a Xanax and a dream. Cosby's basement. Or yeah, I'll go to Bill Cosby's basement and get an ablation. And he did. And I,

And I got one and it was the best thing I've ever... So I don't get a period. Oh, how lucky. So 99% of women never get their period again after. But you also... You reduce it. You can't have children if you get this. So you have to know that you don't want children. Just know that that is something because your doctors will not tell you about it. You're the first person I've ever heard talk about it. Well, I thought it was hysterectomy, like delete the whole thing, hold it in your hands, uterus. I had no...

yeah no we don't talk about the ablations enough and honestly I love delete I love it just command Z throw it in the trash can delete it whatever I said command Z I know you hate electronics you're like what the fuck is she saying no I like command Z I'm okay with that I love your hatred for Sonos by the way because who

did make Sonos hates wants me dead yes they want me to kill myself with a Sonos speaker 100 fucking I'm so sick of Sonos and where's Sonos' competitor where's that fucking person hello can we get some competition out there they made that app with their eyes closed

It's bad. It turns on and off at random. My Sonos will turn on. I will turn on Sonos here at my house in L.A. and it will go on in my house in Whistler. That's how fucked up Sonos is. I'm too poor for this conversation. I cannot. But it's just all electronics. You're going to have multiple houses one day too. Oh, thank you. So nice.

I couldn't agree more, though, the electronics of it all. In my dream world, I would just hire like a geek squad to be from Best Buy, to be in my house at all times. I had that. And be careful what you wish for. I had a man who was like my AV guy that was at my house.

So at my old house, so often that I finally had to say to him, this isn't like normal. Like let's get, I had a whole room filled with AV equipment and he was over there all the time. And he said, I think it's good that we're spending this time together. And I looked at him and went, wait, wait, wait, wait, what?

You're an AV guy. I don't want to be spending time with you. This is not a relationship. You are working here for my fucking AV system. Do you ever give him some LSD? I feel like that's something you would do. I've given everybody that works for me LSD or Ozempic, whatever they want. It's like dealer's choice. Well, I like that you do it all. It's like you could give me some LSD. You could shoot up my Ozempic.

You might give me an ablation on this table with a blowtorch. Right. I trust you with my mind. I just like the word ablation even. I do too. It's euphonious. It rolls right off the top. Oh, look at you go. The way you use a word too. I'm always using words wrong, Chelsea. You had one word. It was in one of the chapters, the title of one of the chapters. I'm like, I have to ask her what that even means, but.

Of course, I don't remember. Was it municipal? Or what was the word? No, it was. No, it was. It started with an M. Unificent. Unificent. It means generous. Yes. Very generous. I had to Google that one today. And then I still said municipal. I like that. We're learning together. That's great. Have fun. But.

You make it seem so attainable, which I love too. You're like, listen, I didn't go to college. I just like to fucking read books. And now I know. And I know nothing. Yeah. It's no, it's yeah. You make me feel like I can do it too. You know, absolutely. You always have. And it's, it's beautiful. Well, I was going to ask you, um, back to your house. Are you in your current house? Or wait, I was, this house is a disaster. Well, your architectural digest is my favorite. I've literally ever seen. Is that the house you're in now? No, I have a new house. Oh,

I love that you just buy houses like they're lattes, though. Well, yeah. Yeah. Why not? No, it's and just the financial advisors of it all. Oh, my financial advisors. I mean, you should hear our conversation. I'm so mean to mine. I don't mean to be. She's this nice old woman and all she wants is to talk numbers, but it makes me want to kill myself. I always say, I'm like, listen, I appreciate that you're doing a job, but please don't talk to me about my finances again. Unless there's an emergency. I don't want to know about it. Everything's going to be fine.

Like, we're going to be fine. They're like, you're saving. You're not saving. You're spending. You're spending. I'm like, because I'm alive. And it's still coming. We're all going to die soon. You know, the world's probably going to blow up. And I want to have a good time.

And I will have a good time. I'm not going to be cheap. I'm not ever going to do that. So deal with it. That makes me feel so much better about all the stupid shit that I do. It's because I have always lived with that too, where I'm like, I'll work and I'll figure it out. I don't know. I don't know if that comes with just doing everything on your own because you're able to get this far. And it's like, it almost creates this sense of delusion where it's like, why the

and did this. Like I'm, you know. Yeah, but it's also not delusional because it's like we are doing it. I did do it myself. I didn't know anyone in Hollywood when I moved here. Yeah, I was white and pretty so I had an advantage and I came from like a middle class household so I wasn't, you know, ever living on the street or anything but I didn't know anyone. I lived with my aunt and uncle who were not in the business. They owned a furniture store

And I just started hustling, you know, and I worked really hard and like I did, I was like, I didn't know what I was going to do. At first I was like, I'll be a model. And then I was like, oh God, I'm not going to fucking starve myself. Skinny. I like bagels. I'm a Jew.

And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll be an actor. And then I was like, oh, I don't know if I'm good at that. You know, reading other people's lines. I want to say what I want to say. Oh, I couldn't agree more. So it's like, it's nice to know that you can do that. Anyone can do whatever they want. If you have the right motivation and you're ambitious and you really are like ready to work hard, of course, you're going to be successful. You just have to really believe in yourself, especially if you want other people to believe in you. You have to believe in yourself. Oh,

I needed it. Damn, Chelsea. I do feel like I'm at church. You've done. So now, I mean, just like what's next for you? What does this next chapter look like? I'm going to do something surprising this year for my 50th. I'm going to do some acting. I'm going to ski with clothes on. I'm going to ski with clothes on as soon as I get back to Whistler. I can't wait to get back to Whistler, first of all, and see my big black dog, Doug. He's so majestic, this dog.

I finally have a black man in my bed every night who doesn't fucking talk. You know, it's a dream. I'm going to do something. I can't announce the project yet, but I'm going to be doing some acting this year and it's going to be really entertaining. I wonder what role has to come across your desk for you to be so willing to be like, I'm not going to be Chelsea for this. It's pretty funny.

and it's great. And it's, and it's something everyone will know. Like they will see it and be like, Oh my God, this is perfect. I am so excited for you. That's crazy. I wish I could talk about it, but I can't. I mean, just damn you have, you've done it fucking all. I mean, we just found out that you've done, you did a thousand 74 episodes of Chelsea lately. Did I really? How much Adderall? Seven years. We've had canceled. I never take Adderall. That's not my drug. I'd like to, but no stimulants to get through that.

No. I'm stimulated. You know what I mean? I don't even drink coffee.

I'm not a stimulant person. That's amazing. Like I've done coke and all of that stuff, but like that's not my drug. My drug is like I like to just things that make you happy. Yeah. But yeah, no, I didn't. No, I was never into Adderall. I was not. I'm not a coffee drinker. I'm up when I wake up. It's going. That's crazy, though. Just a thousand fucking seven. What are you going to say? We we've had canceled for three years. We've done like a hundred episodes tops.

You had seven years of Chelsea lately over a thousand episodes. That's an interesting contract you have. No, well. Because I have to do 48 episodes of My Dear Chelsea every year. We're supposed to as well. I mean, I don't have to, but I mean, I do. I mean, that's what they ask for. We have 52 episodes of your year we're supposed to put out. Oh, oh, I see. I see what you're doing.

I'm a little slow with it. I need to be a little quicker. That's because I say the dumbest fucking shit. Today I'm on my best behavior. I'm sedated and I'm listening. I'm listening. Right? You know, Chelsea Handler's talking. You are listening. I don't need to be funny. I don't need to be anything in today's episode. This is gospel, you know, but normally I am saying the most offensive shit ever. So the editing process, just, I feel so sorry for my editors and all of these people. They should just let this go. I mean, what was the edit in this conversation? Yeah.

This is fine. This is normally... But usually it's a hot mess. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. And then it goes out after the edits and we still get in so much trouble. So offensive. But it's... You can't really care, I guess. You know, I have an offensive sense of humor. Yeah, I think you've embraced your offensiveness, so that's okay as long as you're aware of it. And just on the right side of, you know, history, you know? Yeah, right. Like good offensive, not bad offensive, but...

Oh, my God. I could ask you questions all day. This is just so surreal. I mean, I've always had such a fear of meeting my idols and I avoided it at all costs. You should have a fear of meeting your idols. I've met a lot of people that were disappointing. But I've also met a lot of nice surprises. Yeah. And this is like the loveliest surprise in the world. Eventually, I prepared so much for this, right? Like so many questions written. I watched.

everything that I felt like I hadn't watched because I was like how embarrassing if I'm like I'm her super fan and then she asks a question and I don't know the thing and then I have to end my own life later tonight you know and it's so I did as much research as possible and it's just like now that you're here it's just it's so wild it's we're very grateful she just head butted herself into the microphone she just went I'm gonna need a second nose job it's gonna be a permanent ash Wednesday on your forehead

I used to get those when I masturbated when I was a little girl, which you can see in my special me talking about. I used to masturbate on the, not the swing set, but on the bars in between the swing sets that would hold up the swing set. Before you got here, I literally said I had such a specific experience when I was younger. I was probably in first grade sliding down the little pole. I literally remember being like, oh.

Like, what was that? Yeah, what was it? So watching your special, I was like, oh my God. And also, you know what's so great about childhood masturbation is that when you wear... Because you want traction. You don't want to just have your beaver out. You know what I mean? You don't know anything about your beaver at that point. It's not even a beaver yet. Right. Just a baby beaver. And you... So the thicker the jean or like the thicker the denim, the more traction you can get against a wall corner, against like, you know, some instruments and... Or like a ladle. Denim is better. We all definitely fucked household items. And you... But you're...

You're rubbing it on top of your jeans. Like, that's what people don't understand about childhood masturbation. We're not really, like, we're not finger blasting. Yeah, we're not all up in there. I'm still doing that, though. Like, sometimes, well, we joke about, like, the Theragun being, like, the, well, I joke about it. I shouldn't say we. Theragun being, like, honestly, like, a usable vibrator in a pinch. But you have to have layers. I love it.

What could layer masturbation? The Theragun is a violent masturbation. That's where like a good blanket comes in. Yeah, yeah. You need like a parka. I've said too much. I can already fall over here. No, I've definitely used things that were meant for your face, like vibration, you know, like skin tighteners, things to masturbate before. Like you're not the only one. In a bind. We've all fucked household items, right? You know, and it's an important part of life. I remember I did as a kid. I love the TV remote. It's a childhood development.

Because like, you know what I mean? Rub that on your jeans. There's so many things to use. This microphone could be an appliance that you would rub outside. I never insert stuff. When I masturbate, I'm not inserting things inside myself. I'm masturbating like my clitoris. Like I like that. I agree.

that orgasm. I think if you can come from only penetration though, like what? That's not a real thing. That's a made up lie. That happens to me like twice in my life. That's a myth. Well, I don't think it's a myth. There are some, there are a lot of girls out there that can do that. I mean, from what I hear, there's a lot of people that they can do it. And then there's another, I had a friend in Mallorca and she goes, oh yeah, she said she was a squirter. And I said, what? Isn't that just peeing? That,

Is that not pee? Am I wrong? I don't think it's, it's not urine. It's juice. It's like, I've never seen it. Yeah, it's like pussy juice. It's coming out. But I've had people say they drank like blue Powerade and then it came out kind of blue. Who were those people? Wait, I'm worried about that girl. It was Trisha Paytas. Oh.

Which I guess. We used to have masturbating parties when I was like nine years old. See, I might have one of those now. Yeah, we'd go over and face down. We'd be over our jeans and then you'd be like, you know, you'd like get rubber on your forehead from like just hitting the carpet so hard. I remember I used to like hide behind an ottoman in my parents' house like before everyone else came home from school and I'd be like, just in case anyone saw me, my like whole body would be covered, you know, so they couldn't see me like dry humping the floor. Of course. And then someone would come in and I'd be like,

Oh, hi. And then you got caught at Thanksgiving. Yeah, I did. Which is so fucking funny that ladle, that whole bit was so fucking funny. Yeah, that was really humiliating. And then I didn't masturbate for like nine to 47, you said. Yeah, no, nine to 50, 40, probably. Yeah, you know what? Is that actually true? 47, yeah. I didn't masturbate. I thought masturbating, I was like, who's got time to masturbate? You know, I'm either out or I'm sleeping. Yeah, it took me a really, I didn't like discover it until later in life. And I was like, oh my God, I cannot believe I've deprived myself this way.

Yeah, it's nice to master it. I didn't understand. Now I understand that it's hard. I was so young and also I was hooking up with frat guys, so nothing was happening there either. It was just a rough time, honestly. If you came in, literally told me to go fuck myself and stop stalking you, and then walked out, that would have been good enough for me. I love you. Stop it with that. That's over. That's in your head. That's over. That's the past. Now we're in the present. Yeah, she's our friend. And guess what's next? The future. The future.

Me on Xanax. I'm like, huh? She's at home tonight reflecting. I know. This is going to feel like a complete and utter fever dream. And I just can't thank you enough. No, we'll see each other again. We're friends now. We'll see each other again. And I would love to be funny with you as well. I think I had to just get this. Yes, of course. I get it. I'm...

listen, I know all about it. Yes. And just meet you and make this a real thing. And I can't thank you enough for doing it. And everything that you are, have released right now is so amazing. I think our viewers will just naturally go and read it and watch it, but yeah,

They need to. It's so amazing. And I'm so excited for you and your Antarctica adventures and acting. And I was going to ask you about the new man, too. I wanted to hear about that. There's a couple of men rolling around. So I'll let you know, like on a personal front at some point when I have something to report. There's a couple of men lingering. Yeah. On Call Her Daddy, I was watching and you made it seem like there was one. Yeah, there was. And then I started doing press for this. And that's not going to work. Yeah.

I started telling everyone how many lovers I wanted. Yeah. And it was like, oh yeah, I have someone, but I also want other lovers. And he's like, why? I'm like, why are you listening to Call Her Daddy? Yeah, don't be weird. I didn't know you listened to that. And I didn't think it would get back to you. You live all the way in Canada. Like it's the most foreign place. But I don't attach to that. You know what I mean? Right. Like, okay, you're cut. Delete. Delete.

Well, we have so appreciated you coming. Thank you, girls. This was really fun. I love you. I'm really glad I came. I'm psyched that I got to meet you. I forgot to show you what I carry around. Are you aware? Oh, my God. You sell and you can go. You can actually go at any point. You almost got dismissed. But do you know that you sell mini books, Chelsea, that if you go online, she got your book as a Christmas gift, but it accidentally came this way.

That's my ex-boyfriend who owns the Chateau Marmont. No way. How much cocaine were you doing in that era? A lot. Yeah. Totally. I don't really say Minnie that boldly on Amazon. It's kind of just like you order the book. And then what's in there? It like is the book. Like there's some of the book in there.

I said, what the fuck is this? That's so funny. Oh my God. It gets, I think it's chapter one. Maybe I'm not sure. Maybe that's because I talk about little nuggets. I love anything that's a nugget size. I love anything that's miniature. You know, even ginger ale. I like the little bottles. We love a mini moment. Yeah. It's honestly really cute. I'm happy. I'm happy it happened. Okay. We have to wrap up. Chelsea, go. We love you. Go to the pole lounge. Okay. Canceled.

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