124: A Conversation with Kayla Malec on Life After Speaking Out About an Abusive Relationship
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Hello and welcome back to the Canceled Podcast.

We have Kayla Malik in the building. Hi! And I'm so... Oh my god, I'm so happy you're here. I'm like still trying to process this. It's like the second we started recording, I'm like in a shell right now. Wait, okay, wait. No, and you're fine. Oh my god, we're so excited to have you. I'm so fucking excited. I'm so excited to have you. And this is long overdue. She told us right before we started filming that you had this on your vision board. And I was like, dude...

like no this is the one podcast I watch this and then not yeah I love you first of all I love you for that and it's crazy because we were talking a while ago and I wanted to have you on canceled like forever ago and we were gonna do when you were doing the makeup like people doing your makeup thank god we waited yeah oh my I know and it's crazy how much ends up like happening and I still want to do something like that like something light and fun but I was just like oh my god because even like

And I don't even know where I want to, like, begin here because there's so much to unpack. But, I mean, I first of all just want to say, and we talked about this on Canceled, like, already. So forgive me for, you know, just harping on this. But, like, I am so proud of you. Thank you. Truly. I just, I always have thought that you are so authentically yourself. And that is such a beautiful thing. And I know how hard it is to, like...

sometimes really talk about something that is so close to your heart and like share it to the world. And we were talking about it a little bit in the beginning, but even since you and I had that conversation in the beginning, so much has unfolded. And it's like, it's just so special to me that you, and you've always been like a marketing genius, first of all, and not that this is just marketing, but I'm saying that you were able to turn something so unfortunate, somebody else's actions that were so horrible into such a beautiful movement. And like,

I don't know, just the amount of women who I feel like I've seen in your comments who are like, you've encouraged me to leave. You've done this. Like, I hope you feel so fucking proud of yourself. It's like scary because I get emails even now and that video was posted almost two months ago. People like sharing their story and like it's I don't even know how to like put it into words, but it feels like a weight, but in a good way. It's like I'm so honored that people feel comfortable to share it with me. But then it's like,

I don't ever know how to respond to it because it's like, I don't even know how I'm dealing with it yet. But it's like, I don't know. It was scary. It was so scary. And it was like the world was working against me when I was posting He Doesn't Love You because I spent like,

Oh my God. I filmed that video for six hours and there was a part one, part two. It's supposed to be just like one whole video. iMovie crashed, lost all the files, had to refilm part two and then YouTube uploaded the wrong one. It was like actually like a shit show. Like it was a shit show. And I was like, ooh. That is the worst. First of all, let me tell you something. I'm crashing out about Final Cut Pro or YouTube once a week, once a day. It is just something is always going wrong. So I feel you on that. No, fuck that. But it's like...

it's very cool that you prevailed and even just like through that like got it all out there and I even just like I feel like people don't often take into account the fact that you then had to sit and re-watch that in the edit and that is what sucked because like even at the end with like all the videos included of like the actual abuse happening I had never re-watched those videos and then I had to just sit and put it into the video so I'm sitting there like

re-watching those videos, putting it in, and then having to look back at exact dates and times, and then, like, once it's posted, it's, like, to have to relive it again because it's getting clipped and people are commenting about it, and I'm, like, so happy because I'm so happy that it did what it was meant to do because I was, like, if I post this and nobody sees it, I feel like it didn't do what it meant to do, like, to help other people and to bring awareness, but then even when it, like,

did what it did it was just stressful because it's like yeah it's heavy it's so heavy and like yeah it was a lot especially because like for the past nine months i had been posting this dude every fucking day and it seemed so perfect and that's something people like brought up i get tagged in my old videos it was like but you look so happy in this and i was like holy shit but i did yeah and that's like what spiraled me like seeing how good i faked it yeah and it's so easy to like

Sometimes in that situation, that's a coping mechanism to try to keep the peace. And it sucks that even societally, like, you are having to deal with people, like, trying to rebuttal you. Or even the fact that you felt like you had to include these videos because, like, what if people didn't believe just my word? Like, you know what I mean? And that's what actually, like, makes me want to cry is the fact that I know for a fucking fact, if I did not have video proof or picture proof evidence,

nobody would have believed it and i know i know sad dude i feel because you see it happen to so many people and that's what sucks and especially since like y'all talked about this on like a few episodes ago where it's like she's annoying but i feel bad for her i feel like if i didn't have the videos it would have been like oh but she's like annoying on social media so like is she just doing this for clout 100 and that's like so insane to me it's so insane to me that like

people sharing their trauma, people being vulnerable. What you did was so fucking noble, so fucking hard, like so hard to do. And then it invites all these people to like fucking think that they can then just critique your personality and have anything negative to say in a scenario like that when they know, especially just like what you've been through. It's like,

How? Yeah. It's like, how the fuck do you watch a video of somebody like, and the videos that I posted genuinely had like one or two edits. And then the second part of like, he doesn't love you part two, no edits. It was so clearly authentic. So authentic, so vulnerable. And I've like, it was the hardest thing I've ever posted. And then for people to have the audacity to be like,

Well, you were annoying in the past. Who are you to comment that? That's a perfect victim. Because now it's like, oh, she's dragging it. It's all about... Hold on, I'm going to turn my ringer off. Sorry. No, you're fine, girl. You're booked and busy, as you should be, as you deserve. I so don't subscribe to that concept of dragging it on or like, oh, she's still talking about it. Let it go. It's like, if something that horrible and that life-changing happens to you, you should be allowed to talk...

about it for however long you need. That's what I'm saying. Like, and I responded to people. I was like, oh, I was crashing the fuck out. I had a bottle of wine and I was on my phone and this stupid fucking bitch, Jennifer, I think her name was. She was like, yes, bro, she was on some shit like,

oh you're dragging this on I was like fuck you your boyfriend cheated on you in sixth grade and you're still going on about it like fuck that's the thing because I find Jennifer's family I'll send it to them oh they're doxxed like yeah no it is it's because it's fucking nuts that is the thing I always doing this yeah she has an elf bar under her pillow babe go check yeah like fucking exactly though it is so crazy and it's like if these people had the horrible things in their life these to like aired out to the world you know what I mean like

They probably wouldn't be able to handle it. You are handling this with just like... Even now, it's not like... A lot of people would probably also maybe drop this and fall off the face of the earth. And I think it's so dope that you're like, no, I'm going to fucking keep podcasting. And I am quote unquote drag... As you should drag it. Drag it the fuck on. It's so... Because I was like, okay, what do y'all want me to do? Okay, I got...

I got my shit rocked for nine months. Let me just like do the renegade tomorrow. Like, are you actually serious? And it's like, I have, since I started social media, as annoying as it was, because also like I grew up online in a way, because I started when I was 15. So it's like, I've always documented everything. So what do I look like dropping this heavy information and then healing offline and then going online? Like, get ready with me. Like, that's dumb. Also, just how many people you are helping by documenting your healing process as well. Like, again, like,

No matter how you handle it, I think it's beautiful. If you did want to just make Get Ready With Me's, I would still be like, yes, bitch, work, put that blush on, right? You know what I mean? It's just like the fact that you are saying like, look, like this is still affecting me. And this is so I just had to go to court. And I'm now I'm worried about these things. And I'm whatever, like you are being so real. And I think but also inspiring people that,

You can be multifaceted and life can heal because there might be these moments of weakness, but there's also these moments where you and Jacob are like sitting on a couch and laughing and making jokes. And that's exactly that. And that's the thing. It's like, I just want to be able to like, and I'm trying to focus on the people like, oh, this is helping me instead of the, oh, she's dragging it. It's just like,

It's so hard to be the perfect victim. And I'm pretty sure Brianna Chicken Fry talked about that. I was just thinking about it when you said that. She's like, oh, you can't be the perfect victim because it's like, and then even if I did move on from it right away, they'd be like, oh, so how are you just not caring? Yeah, it's a lose-lose. That's not affected you that much. Right. I just think people sometimes forget that they have the ability to scroll. And it's like, if you don't want to see it anymore, you don't have to see it anymore. But there are a lot of people who need to see it. Right. You know what I mean? Because it doesn't just go away. It's not like one day you're like,

That happened. It's over. No, literally. And that's the thing. It's like, I know for a lot of people, it's probably heavy to keep seeing this shit on your free page, which is like, I've talked about like, I know it sucks. You go on my account. It's like deep, like,

kind of sometimes depressing things, but it's like, that's what I'm going through. And you're also helping somebody. Exactly. Like somebody needs to see that somebody's going through the same thing. And then like this one, like volleyball coach made a video and she was like, I coached these 13 year old girls at this middle school and they watched your video. And she was like, it really brought me to tears because now they're 13 knowing what DV is and what to look out for. And I'm like, that's exactly why I'm doing it because it's,

and I've said this a million fucking times, if I saw that video, if somebody else had made that video, posted it, and I saw that five months ago, I would have left. Yeah. Because I would have known it wasn't normal, but I felt so alone, so embarrassed, so like, is this real? Is this normal? Because like, when somebody can make you feel so low, but the next day, like, because I remember the day after he had rocked my shit. I love your usage. Honestly, I love your usage to rock my shit. It shocks me every time. I know. I feel so bad.

No, no, no. But you're me. Like, whatever you want to say. You're me. I'm like, I'm that bitch where I'm coping with it. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, yeah, after he like rocked my shit in Hawaii. I'm not lying. I doubled down. No, please laugh. I

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Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, indeed, is all you need. We like went on the beach and we were talking and he like dead ass. Like imagine this man's doing all that. The next day we wake up and he grabs my ring finger and he's like, I'm going to put a ring on this. That white picket fence house. Like I'm going to marry you. Like you're going to be Kayla Johnson. So it's like, OK, I'm going to forget what just happened. And it becomes, it's like you get, you are so like,

I don't know. The negative feelings are so strong that it almost like when you come back together, it feel, you feel closer because you just like want to feel that so badly. You attach yourself to that feeling. Yeah.

Oh, it is a drug. It literally is a drug. And that's how so many people get caught up in abusive relationships for years and years. Yeah, because it also, on day one, it never starts like that. And it snowballs. And it is, we always talk about this, but a toxic relationship is arguably sometimes a harder addiction to break than like a drug addiction because it's those lows of no dopamine and then the serotonin and dopamine when you seek the approval and the whatever. And obviously also like, we're all just girls who want someone to love us. And you know what I mean? Then you would develop this attachment to like,

You know what I mean? Just this person. And it is. It's that dopamine and that rollercoaster addiction. Like, I found myself in so many toxic situations for that reason for so long. And it's... It is just wild. And it's unfortunate that people like him also prey on that. You know? And, like, know what they're doing. Yeah. He knew what he was doing the second I met him. And it makes me so sick. And I can't blame myself for not realizing. But, like, from the day I met him, he knew what he was doing. And then he...

He went to jail. So when we met, I met him in Tennessee. And then I flew back down to see him again. And he had a court hearing for a probation violation because he's a fucking dumbass. Like, what the fuck are you doing? Put the fucking bottle down when you're driving, you idiot. And so he gets sentenced to jail for 22 days. We're calling on the jail phone every day for 22 days. And since the day he got out of jail, of us knowing each other for maybe a month, we were together every single day until we broke up. And probably also just...

latching onto your light, latching onto your success. And that's one thing. Latching onto. This, um, Brennan, one of my really good friends, he brought this up to me and it's when I started to realize, oh, this needs to end. He looked at me and he was like, Kayla, he fucking hates you. Everything you love about yourself, how you could talk to people, how you, you're just like, you're a talkative, optimistic person. He fucking hates. And I realized that like, he hates everything I love about myself. And that's when I was like, holy shit, like this dude, like,

They'll suck the life out of you. He did. He 100% did. There was like in December, right before things ended and we went to Hawaii where we finally broke up. I did not leave my bed for a month. Like it was the most, oh, it was just horrible. It was horrible. Like he sucked everything I loved about myself out of me to where I was like a shell. And I remember when I'd go to film at TikTok, I'd like have to like be like, okay, I'd literally sit there and watch my old videos to see how I would act.

And I would be like, okay, so I'd say this. Yeah, I'd have to like remind myself of who I used to be. You got me, bitch. Oh, no, no, you really did. Because that's like, so real. You know what I mean? Oh, you're making me cry. Oh, I just love you. That's so sad, though. Like someone really will.

Fuck. Suck the life out of you so fucking hard that you don't even remember who you once used to be. I literally did not know who I was and that was the hardest part. I went back home in December for my birthday and I remember my sister and my dad were like, you're so different. And I was like, what? But I was. I literally was the shell of who I was and I was becoming who he wanted me to be, which was like this...

fucking like submissive submissive ass bitch yeah and you are the exact opposite of that you've always like done what the fuck you want to do I remember even just stupid shit like when just like silly shit when you were like releasing piercings at Spencer's I was like I know there's probably someone in a suit telling her to release something like you know what I mean like you do exactly what's authentically to you and what's loud and what's on brand for you and that's always who you've been and

I feel like that happens a lot sometimes too to like the loud outspoken women like this guy guys will be so obsessed with that and then they have it and then they're like I can't handle this and she outshines me and I feel inferior so I'm gonna dull her down yes and I remember I brought him with me to one of my Spencer's photo shoots and he was sitting there my mom told me she was like are you sure you want to bring him because my parents honestly were always spectacle of him and I was like no he's great whatever and my mom was like do not let him

give any notes or control like the directive and he was sitting there dead ass being like no maybe you should do this maybe you should release this and it's like what the fuck

What the fuck do you know? You're not successful. Thank you. You built this brand. He was financially responsible on me the entire duration of our relationship until I got him on the Snapchat payment program in December. You were paying for him? Everything. He could not afford water if I didn't buy it for him. And that's what would fuck with me. It's like, how do you feel comfortable? You should have been controlling him. Bark, bitch! I should have been slapping him. Yeah, 100%. Which is crazy. How the fuck are you going to put hands on me and then know that

You rely on me to drink water. Yeah. Like, literally, that's actually so crazy when you put it that way. But I guess in my opinion, like, psychologically, what I think it is, is it's like, he feels so inferior that that's the only way he can, like, cope with it, which is pathetic. Yeah. As fuck. Like, and there are so many men like that. I found out after that he had been violent with his girlfriend before me, and that... Of course. Ooh.

They might get mad at me for this. Sorry, y'all. That his fucking brother has been violent with women too. Like it runs in the family, which is insane to me. And then you wonder just like the childhood, like what happened in the childhood? What was his father like? He was adopted. Yeah. So he was adopted, but at a very young age. And right now I'll even sit here and say his adoptive parents,

are the nicest people ever. They make great money. They've always done everything for him. If he wanted anything, if he was short on money, hey mom, can you help me with this? Of course, sweetie. Like, great parents, so it does not make sense why he ended up the way he did. I know. Sometimes I always wonder if it's like the adverse that like,

I don't know I've dated a lot of guys With like yes mommies That tell them they're perfect And then it like Spirals their You know what I mean Into like Their narcissism You know what I mean Which is nuts Yeah he was a fucking narcissist And he's like He only cared about And loved himself Like that's it 100% And just like That's so sad Just to like Pray on you In that sense And in every sense And just like

And it is just crazy, too. Like, the fact that you just saying you were watching your old videos, really, I just can't get over that because it is so crazy to get someone to a point that, like... You know, and it's also just so wild on the flip side of the coin. We were talking about this, how, like, we would go to your page when all of this was happening and you look perfectly happy and it's like, how...

You never know what someone's going through. That's the thing. It's so insane. Because even I watch them back and I'm like, oh, wait, he did... Because when I went to Hawaii, oh my God, the thing that went so viral, it was like, is he going to propose to me, this and that? Literally that trip, he was rocking my shit. So it's so insane to watch that shit back and know what was going on. And then I was on the phone with my stepsister earlier and she was like, oh, you never called me on my birthday. And I was like, oh yeah, he beat the fuck out of me that day. Sorry. And it was like...

And then when, because I've never honestly like told my dad to him about what happened. He's just like seen videos and shit. So he knows. But it's like even him, he was like, I had no idea. Like nobody knew. Emma didn't know the extent of it until she'd walk into it. And I'd sit there and be like, you don't know what you saw. Yeah. It's just like nobody knew. Well, and it's the isolation. Like, oh my God. You know, being with like someone like that, they will condition you to be afraid to say anything. And then it's like.

You know what I mean? It just feels like this big secret that you're like harboring. And then it's like the shame you start like you can start to get your own head about that. And it's so wild. I feel like that's a major measure. Like when I in the past have stopped telling my friends things or felt like ashamed to tell my friends things. Like I feel like that's when you should always know that something is wrong because like you shouldn't be ashamed to tell your friends or your family or whatever. And I just can't even express to you once again.

Just how fucking iconic and amazing it is that you went from a point in your life where your best friends and family didn't even know about this to exporting and uploading that shit to the world. Like, talk about a fucking...

Turn around. Talk about like. Oh my God. One thing that feels so fucking good is I remember when we were breaking up and I woke up and I was so pissed because in Hawaii, I ended up breaking it off with him because he put hands on me in front of too many people to hide it up. And then I told myself right before that trip. That's crazy too because when they start getting comfortable doing it in public. In Hawaii, what the fuck?

are you mad about in Hawaii? Like, what the fuck? Right. Yeah. The beach. But I dated people like that so goddamn miserable with themselves that you could literally be...

Looking at the most beautiful sunset on the most beautiful vacation that you didn't pay for, mind you. Thank you. Thank you. And like, what are you fucking mad about? And so he did it. And then I told myself, I was like, the day that I tell my mom is the day that it will end. And so I ran like down the road into the cul-de-sac and I called my mom and I was like, he's been physical with me. And I was like, okay, it's over. And then, um,

We ended up ending and I looked at him and I was like, I'm going to ruin your fucking life. I was like, I will ruin your fucking life. Because you ruined mine, you know? And I fucking did. His name is trending and he's always wanted his name to trend. And now the fuck it is. Your name is trending for being a woman beater. Yes. Fuck you. You look his name up on Google. It's Evan Johnson arrested. And thank God. Thank God. And hopefully he won't be able to do it to anybody else as a result. Yeah. And that's also just another like...

beautiful side of it yeah like it was stopping this person because imagine you guys just broke up and then he went and prayed on another influencer here's something that's actually insane i've i haven't talked about this so when we broke up before i went public with everything he started talking to this new girl and they had been seeing each other and she didn't have tick tock or anything so i released the youtube video and evan was hanging out with her every day

They were about to date and she text one of our friends and is like, hey, my friend just sent me the YouTube video. I don't have social media. I had no idea this was going on, but we've been together for the past month and I just realized I blocked him. And she was like he was starting to get like low key physical with me. He would grab me really hard on Broadway. And then she found out that she was pregnant with his kid right before he went to jail.

oh no like how fucking insane is that you saved that girl's life insane though and this oh fuck this is like the huge part fuck sorry um you're fine girl she the reason that they connected is because she was crying to him being like I was in a really abusive relationship like this guy put me in the hospital that uh and Evan looks at her and goes yeah no I get you like my ex-girlfriend abused me really bad she cheated on me like she'd beat the

fuck out of me and then their favorite move was reverse and then she found out he lied about everything and that he was beating me stolen story stolen story stolen valor stolen valor like bitch bye it's so that and like think about how fucking sadistic insane how much of a monster you have to be to either first of all just already be on to the next like the fact that even in that time span he's already grabbing some other girl's arm and doing that and to flip the fuck oh

Oh my God. Imagine sitting there. Burn in hell. This girl sitting there crying about this guy put me in a hospital. And he's thinking perfect victim. Oh my God, me too. Like my ex was really abusive. Bitch, the one thing I ever did is I slapped you in the face for calling me a slut. And then you shoved me down a subway. So it's like, you made that even. And it's,

harder i wish to god i did i wish to god you also become a product of that environment like i think about the person that i was in like my most toxic relationships like you know what i'm not that person like now that my nervous system is calm and i'm with someone like happy healthy like i would never throw a lamp across the room like i mean like you get so lost in this world that like you're matching the energy and if anything as well like

It's like you're protecting yourself. You know what I mean? It becomes like your defense mechanism against this person. He made me somebody I did not know. I was like, and I'm still dealing with this now because I'm talking to some new guy, whatever. And like, I've noticed that Evan has made me such a toxic ass bitch, like in ways that I never was. I was like that in a new relationship, relationship too, because it's like,

you're so used to this like being afraid to say things and stuff so I was acting so differently than I normally would and you have to like really take a second sometimes to like recalibrate. And once someone violates your trust like that you know what I mean and violates all of these things you're now doing all these things just innately to protect yourself. I am so excited to see the cancelled podcast live in Australia which is why

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terms and conditions apply hiring indeed is all you need what patterns are you noticing now like what do you god like it's so annoying like so i'm talking to this new guy and i noticed that i get so defensive immediately because i'm so used to that so like if there's an issue i'm immediately defensive and i cuss him out and i say the rudest fucking shit like i'm such a bitch like i'll sit here and be like fuck you you're dumb as fuck you're a bitch you're a

And it's like, I didn't mean that. Like, I didn't mean to fucking call you those names. Like, why did I do that? It was a simple conversation. And then one thing I hate is I can't like play wrestle anymore. You know how like y'all are wrestling? Can't do that anymore, which pisses me off. Yeah. But like at the same time, that's don't blame yourself for that. Don't say I can't do that. Right. Like someone fucking made me. Made me that way. Unable to. Yeah. Like that's not your fault at all. And it is.

Yeah, it's wild. You know what I mean? Because you're doing it just in defense. And I will say, though, it's so noble and incredible that you're already recognizing that. And I think that you are just so smart. You will be so willing to work through that. And it takes years to undo. And that's what's so annoying. It's like why... And it's something I can't harp on because there's nothing I can do. But it's so annoying that this one guy has made it such a... Has actually...

affected my life to where it will go on for years and years and years and like I'll tell my kids about this and like I can never trust a dude in the same way and that's one thing it's like I could look at it in a positive or a negative like it sucks that I'll ever be the same but thank god I'm not because I won't be as naive I know what to look out for but it sucks because I was the most trusting girl ever like I was so trusting and I would give everybody my full heart and it that's like what a lot of people deserve because like I'm sure this new guy I'm talking to

he wouldn't fuck me over so it's like why am I being a dick to him out of what I've been through but I can't blame myself for that and it's just like this constant circle of like

But you will continue to grow and continue to heal from so many of these things. You know, I feel like you'll heal from these things in ways that you never think right now that you're even capable of. Yeah. And I think that like the new normal is so important to like, you know, because it's so easy to be like, fuck, I wish I could just be that girl that I was before this. Yeah. And it's a hard thing to kind of almost mourn like who you once were. You know what I mean? But you...

You will find a new normal. And I just, I hope you do just at night you go to bed and you focus on all of the good that you've done. You put that in such good words to mourn the person I used to be. That is a hundred percent what it is. But you know, but you're also now there's that you have to think of all of the new amazing things that you are like you are. So you are so well spoken and so strong and so smart and like,

You have your own back in a way that you've never had your own back before. Like, you know what I mean? And no one's ever going to take advantage of you in the way that you've been taken advantage of. I also find somebody who like meets you halfway and is like very patient with you because like obviously there are like little things about you now that you want to work on. Any like guy worth dating is going to understand like, first of all, what you've been through and right and adapt.

You know what I mean? Right. And that's what I'm hoping for. And it's more the annoying part that, like, I hate being single, but I know I, like, have to be. Because, like, you got to heal. Nobody likes being single. Nobody does. It's, like, it's a major part in life, which is, like... I will just say, even with, like, Trisha and I always talk about how Moses and Makoa both, like...

definitely sat by us while we still weren't fully fucking healed up here and were patient and dealt with our shit that we were carrying from these past things. And that is like, you are absolutely, cause you are so like lovable and fun. You're going to find the perfect person. You're lovable. You're funny. You're smart. You're fucking beautiful. Like, and so like, it's crazy how beautiful you are in person too. It's wild. Three hours on the makeup chair, baby. No, but just like your bone structure, bitch. I'm talking about your bones. You are so beautiful. Oh,

and I get you wanting to like date and whatever but being single is also just a beautiful thing I do like being single I enjoy the freedom of it but it's also like I love a FaceTime yeah oh my fucking god wait I just remembered something what happened on the way here it has to do with the whole situation I got a call from Evans Jail what?

all the way here. Saying what? So I have the jail phone saved, the number saved in my phone, the Sumner County Jail and I get a call saying this is the Sumner County Jail you have a collect call from and it was this guy named like Chase and it's Evan's friend in jail was just trying to call me. I literally just fucking remember that. The same jail? Did you pick up? No, I did not pick up. I was like, what the fuck is going on? Oh my God, hold on. I wouldn't have been able to help myself. Yeah. Why are you calling me? I have it saved in my phone as Jail Aruni. I love Jail Aruni. Jail Aruni like

That's just the context. It's like collect call from like Chase. I'm like, what the fuck? Because they have to say their own name in. Yeah. Have a collect call from. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? And the only way they would have my number is if Evan gave it to them. Well, and that's here's what I'm going to say, though. You are now.

vibrating on a just a completely different frequency than you once were you know what I mean like you are just elevating every single day you know what I mean like you are you are coming out of this you are healing other people and when you start vibrating on that high ass frequency the amount of people from the fucking trenches that are going to be grabbing up at you like this yes yes

Like, they are trying. Of course they are, because it's all they have. And they want that free ride up to that frequency with you, you know? And I do wish I answered. I want to know, like, what do you have to say? But, like, we have a no contact order, so...

I think it's... Trust me, obviously, I'm so curiosity kills the cat. But I think it's so good that just no contact is so good for you and your mental. Because it's like every time you have any of those conversations, yeah, you might be curious, but you also might just get so mentally dragged back to that place, which you don't deserve. And you've done so much work to not be. You know what I mean? Even going to court...

First of all, the way you did all of that was so iconic and incredible. I felt so good about it. Like, I did not take my eyes off that motherfucker. He could not look at me. He was fucking stuttering, and then my dad was clapping when he got locked up. As fuck he did. I just got chills. He was sitting there alone, too. Like, your family couldn't even fucking show up. No friends, nothing. He was sitting... That's good. Honestly, I would be so ashamed if, like, his family did show up and, like, wanted to support him through that. Right. Any good parent, sit that one out. 100%. Sit that one out.

so real 100 fucking percent that shit out babe somebody in his family though is posting on a snapchat for him which i think is you're kidding for money oh yeah like the rewards program oh have you no shame you know they're posting like he just went to miami it's like actually the funny

He's in jail and everyone knows it. That's just sad too. Like someone being so money hungry. Right. I'm like probably paying off the lawyer fees because his parents bailed him out. And maybe don't monetize off of this image. Like when something so horrible happened to someone else, it's fucked. People are fucked. I'm so curious to see what will happen when he gets out. So when? How long is he in jail for? A year and a half. So I'll be like turning like 23 by the time he gets out. Oh, you're a baby. I didn't even know you were only 22. Wait.

Wait, you're 21. 20. Oh. Oh. You're a baby. No, and I hate it, and I hate it, and I hate it. You shouldn't hate it, but I felt the same way. I hated feeling like a baby, too, because I was like, bitch, I've been through enough trauma that I feel 80. Right, and it's like, oh, it's just annoying to not even be 21 yet, though, because it's like...

Oh, my God. Like, there's so much shit I just want to film myself doing. I'm, like, having fun and going out, but it's like, ugh, I can't yet. But also, look at all that you've accomplished and learned before you are literally allowed to get a mimosa at brunch. It's so funny. Like, look at all that you've... You're a baby. That is, like... And I know that in so many ways you probably don't feel like one. First of all, you're running a whole business empire. You know what I mean? You are, like... But that is so impressive. Thank you. And you are so...

so far ahead of your years, which I know is a double-edged sword, you know, but it's so cool to see like how smart and eloquent and all of these things that you are. Thank you. And oh my God, that makes me feel so much better

Like better almost in so many ways. Yeah, the worst of it is over and it's all like, it's over at 20. Thank God, babe. Like, fuck that shit. Yeah. And you're going to be 25, frontal lobe developed and you're going to be like, I ate down. Oh, I'm so, wait, how was it like when your frontal lobe just like, oh bitch. It's crazy. I don't think mine's there yet. To be honest.

I'm 28. I'm like, any day now. You're not 28. No. I am. It is? No, you're not. Am I not? I know she looks 19. It's so wild. Maybe 29 in like three months. And I look 80, so there's that. Wait, right?

I don't know my own age anymore. That's actually insane. Wait, what the fuck? I'm like actually praying I have your genes. Just got my eyelids done. I love just got my eyelids done. No, but... You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday. How can you find amazing candidates fast? Easy. Just use Indeed. Stop struggling to get your job posts seen on other job sites. With Indeed's sponsored jobs, your post jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates.

So you can reach the people you want faster. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non-sponsored jobs. Don't wait any longer. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed.

And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility at Indeed.com slash kids and family. Just go to Indeed.com slash kids and family right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. I will say the frontal lobe thing was very crazy for me, but one of my biggest takeaways that I wish I could have told myself in my early 20s was, you know,

Give yourself the most amount of grace like that you could ever give yourself because it's like I look back at me and a year so far ahead of me, but like me at 20 like I was a fucking imbecile idiot moron with no brain cells just like Tasmanian deviling through life, but also no not even her I'm like I'm saying for me both all of it like and it's but also at the same time I was beating myself up for everything what I was wearing what I was doing what I was saying who I was dating all of those things and

And in reality, it's like you're not supposed to have anything figured out and just like give yourself grace in that. But you are such an inspiration. Like, I think you should also give yourself so much credit. And I know you do. And I really hope you do. Because like at 20, you had Tana turn 21. Like you had a fucking MTV show. That's a fucking flag. The fuck? Yeah.

It was a different time, you know? And yeah, even then, like even at that time, I was so critical on myself. And it's like, you're doing the best with the cards that you were dealt. You are both of y'all successful as podcast. I love you. Great ass boyfriends. Like y'all are up. It is. And all of all of those things I did and all the times I fell and got up in my early 20s brought me to this beautiful era of my life. So it's like.

I just hope you know that. Like, you are in an era where, like, fuck up all you want, give yourself all the grace, and everything will work out for you. Like, you know, it just, it really fucking will. And it's just nuts the way you're really dealing with all of the way so many people are trying you, you know? Yeah, that's the whole thing, like, the online of it all. And then, like, it, which I get people being like, I feel bad it turned into a drama, but I'm like, I feel like the second you take shit online, that's what's going to happen. You could sit here and be like,

say the most traumatic shit and it will become a drama. But then, I mean, like, obviously James didn't help that. Yeah. At all, dude. At all. That whole situation is crazy. Like, just so crazy. And I don't know how much you want to talk about it, so I don't want to, like... Oh, you... I could say...

it's just like i don't know like i you guys were collabing he's doing your makeup like i don't know if you ever looked up to him or watched his videos or anything like that that's what's insane is when i was like 12 13 he came out with the morphe palette my grandma waited and the little morphe line bought me his palette his makeup brushes i met him at playlist live back in like 2019 i was freaking the out and i'll give you

him credit for this. He is the reason I am where I'm at. He was the first person to reach out to me to be like, let's collab and started. No, you're at where you're at because you're you. Yeah, that was nobody else. I feel like I have to give him credit. I understand. I mean, I get what you're saying. I understand exposure, but the exposure with somebody who doesn't have it doesn't stick. So I accredit him.

with that one like and i mean that i do mean that but that's that's just wild to not only feel fucked over by somebody that you consider a friend i know he was on his acquaintance tangent but like i'll agree we were definitely acquaintances but i don't but you also idolize this person for so long so then that is also like heartbreaking acquaintances was fucking like 300 people like i meet people at a party once and i follow them on instagram we never talk again and i wouldn't

Yeah. Do that. Also, this is our first time hanging out, like, in depth and I wouldn't go fuck your fucking thing. I would not do what the fuck, especially after, like, like, he knew. Like, all I'm gonna say is, like, he, like...

He knew I literally texted him. It was abusive. It was this. It was that. And then you fly him out and you DM him. And then what pissed me off was the screenshots. Did you all see the screenshots that he posted on his story trying to clear it up? So when we were in Hawaii, like right before we broke up, James and Evan were DMing.

And he had sent, they were like doing like a snap thing where you go like that. And like, that's just weird. Strange. Right. Strange as fuck. And so I talked about it and then James was like, well, I'll post all the, all the receipts and posted all the text messages up until me and him broke up. And it's like, so y'all,

y'all just didn't talk about flying him out to LA like was everything else on banished mode like where did all the other messages go 100% it was so weird I've had so many of like my gay friends even just like I'll overhear them talking about this and they're like I'm not flying somebody out to emotionally support them that's just the takeaway that I've I don't know if I understand

that. I don't understand any of it because it's like you're not doing that as a multi-millionaire with a core friend group. You're not like let me outsource this. Especially someone you don't know. It'd be one thing if it was somebody you knew like close within they were really going through it. Right and it's like but then the whole thing that he said of being like oh well I didn't understand that Kayla was actually going through it even though he knew me more than Evan. Well what did you have to do send pictures? I don't really get that. And it's also like you don't get that but then Evan texts you I'm depressed so you fly him out and you're there for him and you believe everything he's saying. Like it's just like

Yeah, I don't get that. So many holes in that story. And then it's also like you guys formed an entire friendship off of the basis of you thinking he saw it. You're very emotionally intelligent. And it's one thing if your friend is saying like, oh, like, you know, I'm really happier with like a good looking guy. But like, I've always hated that even with the gays. It's not that I think that like, you know what I mean? Like if I'm friends with like a gay guy in Los Angeles, if he's responding to my story being like, God, I want to fuck your boyfriend so bad or he's so hot, he's so hot, he's so hot. I'm like...

Okay. We would have fucking say. And that's the only thing he would ever text me is he's so fucking hot. He's so fucking hot. He's so hot. He's consistent. Right. At least he stood. He stood real. He stood real with this. Like, yeah, he committed to the bit. That also just makes me think that then it's like, I don't know if I was responding to someone's story constantly being like, they're so hot. They're so hot. They're so hot.

And then they break up and then I'm flying them out. Like, my intention is to then just be friends. Thank you. That's my whole fucking thing. And then it's like, if you really weren't doing anything wrong and you didn't think you were doing anything wrong, you wouldn't have lied to me when I asked if he was at your house. Did he lie? Oh. Yeah, I texted him. So basically...

James flew him down and this is before we were on no we were on no contact so I didn't know why Evan was going to LA or anything we'd been broken up for a month James knew we broke up and then Evan posted a picture in a backyard and it said Encino California which is he put the put the location come on and it is James Charles's backyard so I fucking text James and I'm like weird question is Evan at your house he's like your ex James why would he be here no

And he fucking was. And he dead ass was. That's like, yeah. I don't know that. What the fuck? Was. Also as if there's a thousand backyards that look like that. Right. I recognize the trees. And then I... This is so bad. But then me and Emma were so crashed out. We got in her car and we would just keep driving past his house. And we were trying to make sure. And then...

And honestly, at 20 years old, that's pretty noble. I would have jumped the wall. Then I made a fake number and I texted Evan off of it. Google voice. And I was like, my name's Greg. We met a while ago. Like, meet me at...

No, I love it. I was like, my name's Greg. Me and Young Gravy are going out for some drinks at Thai Angel. So he ends up spending like $90 on an Uber to Thai Angel to meet Young Gravy. You're so real. He gets there and he's calling the number and we're like, no, no, no. We went to a different spot down the street. He starts Ubering from place to place in LA trying to meet Young Gravy. Thank God though. And sometimes

A guy who's that eager to eat young gravy is a red flag. It's really funny too because I feel like young gravy would have been in on this. He would have been so down. That's just real as fuck. I catfished a guy one time, my ex, honestly for like six months after we broke up. I'm not kidding. I was catfishing people and I was like, maybe I shouldn't say that.

No, I know you did. I did. She had a whole separate phone for it, honestly. I have a catfish phone. I have a catfish phone, yes. And it's real as fuck. He deserved it bad. Yeah. Some people deserve that shit. Like, oh, wait, I love a catfish. That's what I do on Tinder. They banned me, though. You know Maggie Linderman, that one badass picture? I'm sorry, Maggie. I'm so sorry. But I was fucking catfishing, and this one guy had a picture of a dead deer, and I was like, are you going to kill me like you killed that deer? Banned.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't need Tinder. You're going to meet the love of your life in real life. No, I will never download a dating app. You might meet the love of your life on your podcast set. Like, I'm kind of thinking that. Like, I love you and Jacob Sartorius together.

I love us too. I love that I just made you choke. I'm so sorry. Because I love us too. Oh my God. I do. You guys just have like a really great dynamic regardless of what happens. That's the thing. It's like, and I know he's going to see this, but I truly love Jacob like with my whole heart and he's changed my life in a lot of ways. And it, oh, like I wouldn't, I wouldn't ever want to ruin what we have though. Yeah. But it's like, that is somebody genuinely that I love so much. And like,

Who knows what would happen in two years? 100%. And that's real. Little Jim and Pam. Yes, that is 100% real. I feel like I felt like that about Jeff when we were like podcasting and working together all the time. It was like, oh my God, I love this friendship. And even if people ship it and like whatever, I wouldn't, we're both in nut cases and like whatever, you know? And then what's meant to be will be. Like if you guys are meant to be like...

I will say I've never met a guy that respects me the way that he does. Which is so sweet because regardless of whatever ends up even happening, you will always be so grateful for him in this period of your life for healing you in that way or being a part of your healing journey in that way. Right. No matter what, he's helped me through so much. He's changed my life. And I've always wanted to start a podcast. So starting it with him was just like...

That was so fun. And he's helped so much. And I'm like the type of bitch that I will not respond to an email or a text. So he'll do that shit for me. Like it's real as fuck. Thank God. It's important for you to just have men in your life, especially that you can trust right now. And just something like to put your energy into, like something that you're excited about that, you know, isn't like your dating life. Yeah. Literally. And you're killing it. Like you really just fucking are. And I just like, I can't even believe it. I can't believe it.

That he a year and a half is like the judicial system is so interesting because what do you mean a year and a half?

Right. It's hard. A lot of people get off with even less. You know what I mean? There's so many people who have to live in fear all the time. Right. And that's what's fucking crazy is the max that he could get for the domestic violence. It's a misdemeanor A. So the max he could get was a year. That was it. But then he had two other charges, a DUI and a probation violation. And he was going to face up to five years if it was taken to trial. But that would have been months on months on months. And I was like, fuck that shit. Give him a year and a half because that's him in my eyes serving the year that he

He took from you. Right. And then plus six months of his bullshit. So I was like, give it to him. Damn, I have chills. And I respect you for that. Tax. I feel like it's so fucking easy for people to say, oh, go to trial. Like, I've done that so many times in my life where I felt like someone was wrong and I didn't want to go to trial because I didn't want to have to relive shit for that amount of time. You know what I mean? Right. I was not trying to go to trial. And it's like, I'd have to sit there and have his lawyers be like, well, why'd you stay then? And it's like...

I cannot sit there in front of all these people being like, I stayed because I was scared. I stayed because I was embarrassed. Like, I was not going to do that, especially it just it wasn't worth it to me. And then I know his life is ruined regardless when he gets out of jail. Like, yes. Yeah. He'll continue doing time.

Right. Yes. He's going to be on probation after this. So he's on his probation like thing is he's not even allowed to operate a social media account under his name for two years once he's out. Then what about that bitch running his Snapchat? Thank you. That is literally. Well, I wonder, though, like if we could like

You know what I mean? I love we. I'm in on this. I'm like, listen, let's take him down. We call Sumner County he. Yeah, because that's kind of insane that, yeah, the person running the snapshot with his name right now. Yeah, that's not supposed to be happening. Have you talked to lawyers about that? I need to talk to the DA. I've just been so like, because I'm also trying to press two felony charges in the state of California. So I've been focused on that a little bit. And that's scary because what's annoying is talk about that judicial system shit. They can't even transfer those charges immediately.

to Tennessee so it's like he would only get arrested for the two felonies if he came to California and got pulled over yeah oh my god get him over here insane yeah tell him young gravy I'm like James let's work it out on the remix get him back out here you just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday how can you find amazing candidates fast easy just use indeed

Stop struggling to get your job posts seen on other job sites. With Indeed Sponsored Jobs, your post jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates, so you can reach the people you want faster. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non-sponsored jobs. Don't wait any longer. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed.

And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility at Indeed.com slash kids and family. Just go to Indeed.com slash kids and family right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. Speaking of James Charles fucking working anything out, you were talking about

bots and comments and I'm so intrigued by this and I just I want to hear like are you okay talking about this oh yeah you're sure okay oh yeah okay

Just give me the tea. Give me the lore. I need to understand what, if I heard this correctly when I just heard this. Oh, no, you did. Okay. So me and James did our research because when James posted his apology video, there was a lot of the same comments, like exact same comments over and over again with like 30,000 likes, but their account was like a bot. And we're like, what the fuck? So we talked about it on an episode and then somebody reached out to us who's like in the social media world and sent us a screen recording of this app

that you can use to buy comments to shift the narrative of what people think about you. I'm like, no, what's it called? Shut up. Prove it. Tomorrow book has like 20,000 comments that are like best eyelids ever. I'm going to be a hero tomorrow. No. But that's, so it's an app. It's like a website and you can deadass like,

like comments basically to shift the narrative and buy these comments likes. And what I think is interesting is Michaela Testa made a TikTok being like, our accounts are getting bought. And I was like, sorry, I love you, Michaela. I just love an Australian. Me too so much. I love an Australian accent. I love you. And I was like, what the fuck does that mean? But I think she was talking about like the comments because all of a sudden after his shit started to get bought, I made three videos in one day. It was just part one, part 2.3.

about the James situation. The next day I posted one more and I'm getting thousands of comments being like, she's dragging it over and over again. And the accounts weren't real people. And I'm like, what the fuck? So my account started to get botted. Michaela started to get botted. And then James was also getting botted with

like the same comments but his are positive and ours are negative do you think do you know on instagram when someone has bots on instagram it like it hurts your account you know what i mean like if you buy followers or whatever yeah it hinders your account do you think tiktok is like that or no i i honestly don't think so there's yeah i was just gonna say like clearly not if he's like getting numbers like that that is like but sometimes like when you do that then then it has to be bots from that point forward because you get like like shadow or at least whoa it doesn't make sense yeah i'd get a comment

Being like she's dragging it posted three minutes ago 10,000 likes. What does that even mean? What is that even fucking? It's not physically possible. It's not physically possible. And it's the same fucking comment. I go on their account and it's not a real account. And then I just get sent this website where you can literally do that. And it's more effective to do that than to like censor words and censor this because your account doesn't get shadow banned. Apparently. Shit.

Shit. So that's like botting an account. It's a real fucking thing. No, I believe it 100%. And we see bot comments all the time, like weird, strange ones. Yes, you can. But I did like botting someone else's account. And that's what Michaela meant. I finally get you now, girl. Like that is what botting an account means. That is so, so, so. That's like some crazy intel into like just this world. And like even, I don't know, just even like.

People being able to pay to shift public opinion at a whole new high. People have been doing it. Yeah, but that is like final boss. It's just something new comes every year. Right, and it's like smart as fuck, honestly. That is smart. It's just like, I know, but the society that we're living in. That's how everybody should know that you are being fed. You know what I mean? You're being fed the information that you're consuming. Yeah.

the narrative against everybody. Like you do not know these people or what's going on. Like botting, she's dragging it. I was telling you this, but you have to put, she's dragging it on. I have to like, that's the best thing I've ever heard in my life. I need it on a baby seat. I'm wearing it every day. You're going to make six figures off of it. And it's like, and honestly good on you. Like a lot of people probably would have never like figured that out. Oh yeah. Me and Jacob were sitting there and like,

we crack the fucking code because it just doesn't make sense that is just like I'm imagining if like that was around just like for always and forever like all the people who would have used it oh everybody you know what I mean honestly if I was James I'd be doing the same thing no I wouldn't it's crazy and it makes me mad when people are like oh well y'all just forgive him for everything but then it's like

okay but then y'all get mad when I still talk about it like you know what I mean yeah you know you'll never win right literally I just feel like I'll never win with it so that's why I've just like given up on it and I'm like I'll just you have to for your own peace and your own freedom because it really is true you could do or say anything like how you were saying earlier if you just came online not talking about it it'd be people those I always think like the people who just are leaving that senseless you can't win type of hate it's like

You can't win with those people anyhow. Like if you came online tomorrow and never spoke about it again, it would be she's unfazed. She moved on too fast. So this never happened. Blah, blah, blah. The way she says. And if you keep talking about it, she's dragging it. But comment or not. And it's like you just have to live for you and do what feels right to you, which you are. To stop caring about what those... You will never win with them. So it's like, what the fuck's the point? And they're probably at home like...

It's like the stupid fucking Reddit posters. Like, I don't give a fuck. Like, I literally don't give a fuck. What's Reddit? I don't even know. You know Emma? She has a really bad Reddit addiction. Oh, we've been... I already talked her off the ledge. We'll heal you. We'll heal you. I've already been telling her. She showed me it's in her frequently visited... No, I've never checked Reddit. I said block the website. I refuse. I refuse. I will not fucking go on there and read... I think even just reading comments, it can be very scary when you're in like a fragile mental space to like...

be in taking so many opinions about yourself. You know what I mean? Like, it's just... Because then they start to form your actual idea of who yourself is and, like, just all of those things, you know? It makes you question who you are. Like, it's so... And change. It makes you change who you are. Yes, and that's the worst thing. It's like, okay, I'm going to start acting like this and not acting like this. And it's like...

and then you start, and then I never want to be the type of person where it's like, I'm different on camera than off camera. It's like, obviously period. I'm filming a 60 second TikTok. I'll be a little bit more like energetic, but like, I don't want to change my whole personality. 100% bullshit. And it's very hard. Sometimes notice that you're doing it. Like I catch myself where I'm like, I wouldn't have normally said that, but I'm, I'm pandering to like what I think people want to hear or like, or trying not to say things that I know will like upset people. It's just like, it's crazy. Yeah. If anything, I think it,

I don't know, I guess for me, like just doing this for so long, I think about all the times where it probably would have been easier for me to just like act a certain way. And like, you know what I mean? Like act a different way. Like it would have just been less resistance. You know what I mean? Like giving the people what they want or giving the brands what they want or like doing whatever. But it's like, I'm so happy I didn't because it's...

it's so much harder to a do this for a living b sleep at night like when you're like i am this whole fucking different person yeah you'll find yourself trying to put on a character you know what i mean right yeah i feel like i want and you're not a character you're so full of life 100 i feel like i won't be able to go to sleep if i was like i know i'm if somebody were to come out to me in person right now and i'd be different like i would literally not be able to sleep but that's how you've also built this like beautiful empire is by just being so fucking authentic to you and

Thank you.

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Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, indeed, is all you need. Mike, even as hearing we were talking, I think this was off camera before, but like you're so smart with your money and you're like...

just I'm so happy that you're like reaping the benefits you know yeah no I'm too scared to like I the only designer thing I've ever bought was like two months ago and it was my like fucking diesel bag like I'm too scared be careful it's a slippery slope no but it's good it's good to treat yourself but she's so right I was like I didn't even believe in it like literally six months ago I was like that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard like

why would you ever spend money on that and then something along I don't know what that might have been my influence honestly and I'm sorry I know looking at the jewelry I'm feeling influenced dude no because it's like a fucking flavor flavor something she's got nothing but diamonds no it's fucking ridiculous but I'm gonna tell you something half of these are DHgate dupes I have I mean mine aren't but I'm saying they're but I wish they were oh because they're duped so well like that it's like like this bracelet is like the love of my life I bought this bracelet

and I spent $7,000 on this bracelet and one of my roommates ordered the DHGate version to see the difference and I am not fucking kidding you. I have a friend who works at Van Cleef and he was sending me links to ones that they as the workers wear in the store because they are that indetectable. Like the weight and all. It's like why the fuck...

I just lost Hermes slides. Give me the link. No. And I'm like, I'm buying them off the gate. You lost the original Hermes ones, Tana. You were an idiot for ever buying those. How do you lose a shoe? It was on your foot when you left the house. Like, you're literally an idiot. I lost a pair of shoes. I left with them on my feet and then came home with them off my feet. You don't deserve. You buy them off the gate, bitch. Wait, wait.

Oh, that literally happened to Emma once. She fucking went out to the club, came back shoeless. No, I feel you. There needs to be a community. That's the whole reason I will not buy expensive shit. I just know. Same. I'll destroy it. I'll fucking destroy that shit. We always talk about that too and just like trendiness too. I still fall victim all the time. I try to buy like a timeless thing. I won't spend a lot of money unless something is like I know I'll have to buy. She's made me better in that way because- That is really good.

good. Why was I buying neon assless traps? You know, we'll never know. It's not black or brown. We'll never know. Or like, you know what I mean? It has to be like an everyday. Yeah. No. Even then though, I get so anxious about it. Like, I don't know. Like, I get guilt. Do you get guilt from spending? Oh my God, I'll go home and cry. Like, I actually go home and cry. I'm like, what the fuck? I do that. I have like a scarcity complex with money. I feel like I just get scared that like one day I'll wake up and everything will just be like empty. And then it's like, oh my God, this fucking bag could have just paid my rent. We actually, it's funny before you got here, we were talking about that on that episode that we were just filming. Like we were the scarcity thing.

Some things though, like what's on her wrist could pay her bills. That's why jewelry makes me happy. Or like that's like an actual appreciating asset. Like a bag, not so much. Unless it's a jumbo flap. But other, like the Chanel ones cost more than my car. But...

That's the thing. It needs to be appreciating things to at least sleep at night a little better. But like, also just the gate. Like, I'm not kidding. I'm buying those Hermes lights in every color. Yeah. Yeah. It's just dumb. It is. It's like, I have no excuse. I'm just an idiot. I'm a sheep. I just, I get serotonin for my stupid new Prada bag. See, and that's the thing. I'll stay here and be like, I wish I was that way. Like, I want to like, no, you don't. No, I can't.

Phenomenal. It's like picking up cigarettes with the intent to start smoking. It's not broke. Like, do not do anything. 100%. They just look good. They just always look good. You look bomb as fuck right now. Oh, but you know you go to Barney's and you see the bitches with like the fucking everything. I know. I want to be you so bad, you know? It's like, oh, you know what they won't be? Wealthy when they're older.

damn which you will be if you keep saving she's real and just the consumerism of fucking everything like we all are always in comparison it's like i need i need those fucking suede brown micro shorts no you don't i just let somebody buy a 300 hairbrush because it's supposed to make your hair soft shit i'm not even kidding it's in my bag no wait brooke are you actually sitting you bought it wait brooke did you actually on my life it's in my bag no way like

The $300 hairbrush? I don't have it with me. It's the one that I, the one I left at your house and then I had to buy a new one. So I bought it twice. She left it at my house and she was actually like, cause I'm like, why the fuck do you care so much? You left a hairbrush at my house. I'll get it back to you. And then I found out and I was like, oh yeah, you should probably get that. So it makes your hair so shiny. So it's real.

Does it work? It's a thing. My first one got sent to me, the second one I bought. There's no hope for me, my bald blonde ass. We're all fake as fuck. We love it. We bought it though. It's ours. Amen. You know what I mean? I have a wet brush in my bag. But you know the one. Now I have the one with the little blue back.

Oh my god. I mean, I would try it if my hair was real or could ever be soft. I'm growing it out. I'm trying. But you're making me miss my bleach and tone, bitch. Oh, I bleached it this morning with the fucking box. I did my own too when I had a bleach and tone. It's so fun.

I'm so envious of a bitch who can Garnier Fructis box and go blonde. No, I would buy the powder and the developer and I would literally like sit and fucking do a whole bleach and tone. Same. Once I did that and I burnt my hair off though, my hair was like steaming and then I had to get a mole in. You know what you have to do? It was really bad. I did the bottom half first, washed it, and then the top half. If you try to do it all at once, you'll go bald. That was my problem. I mixed like 50 milligram developer and my hair was like steaming and I was like, what the fuck is going on? No.

And then I had to, like, get a mullet. It was green and black. I looked so scary. Like, I actually, like, bit Brad Bond up. Kind of iconic, though. You would think. Where's Brad Bond up? He made a video about my bleach and tone video. He was like, what the hell is wrong with this girl? What are you... Why? Your hair was so long and healthy, though. It's just not safe to do. I know. Oh, it's just not... I got lucky. I can't get my hair to, like, lift, though, on my own. That's the thing. Because you have a naturally... I think you have...

Black hair at this point. Well, not, but your, like, hair texture is, like, you have the thicker hair. Very coarse, which you'd think I wouldn't be bald, but. Oh, I want a coarse hair. Thin fucking little bitch hair. I have baby hair, like, fine, very fine hair. I know, but, like, look at y'all eating me up, mogging me. What do you mean? Like, ugh. Your hair's fabulous right now. I'm so happy that you're in your, like, natural hair. I'm in my, look at this root.

I love a root. You have dark hair. You would have dark hair. I would love to see what your hair color actually is. Yeah, would you ever? It's a lot darker. Like, it's darker than this. Yeah, it's dark. It's like very, very dark. But I wonder if that's lack of sunlight sometimes. Like, if I was out in the sun for a little bit, like, I think I'd gain a few shades. You know, I got a comment on my video yesterday being like, the hair color is a choice. I'm like, it's

literally not a choice it's my it's my natural wait wait what the fuck the hair color is definitely a choice it said I commented back I'm like fuck you Jessica as if you chose like chartreuse like it's brown no like what the fuck yeah that's crazy would you ever go brunette um I would never say never and I am growing it out and it's getting darker as we go and I'm continuing to do that for sure um

I'm still, I'm learning to get less emotionally attached to the blonde, but I am so emotionally attached. I feel you so much on that. Like, I want to be it. I love you. Everyone crawling under the camera. So sweet. I think it would eat so hard. I think it would turn the world upside down if you popped out, Brenna. And I think you would look so amazing. Like,

I always trust that if something's growing out of your head, it's going to look good on you. You wouldn't look like shit with your neck. Maybe in my full piece era, maybe after just next year. Imagine we come back to Canceled in two years and I have a fucking bob and you're a brunette. And I have black hair. It's funny. Oh my God. And there's wedding rings. Oh, I better have a wedding ring before Canceled's gone. And you're our flower girl. Or you and Jacob are married. Oh my God. That would be really fucking crazy.

So speaking of, I guess, you two even just like doing your podcast, is there anything else you want to do or you're working on? It's crazy that you immediately popped out and just like with a conglomerate with Spencer's like already you were doing that. That was so like a fever dream because I did ask DM them on Instagram and I was like, I really...

really have a good idea and they just like responded to me and I was like thank god that's so sickening though like I I do not get brand deals I don't get part I haven't had a brand deal in like the past two years or something that's like so wild so that yeah the fact that they answered I was like thank god I will get you brand deals bitch damn but that just shows you are we supposed to be outreaching yeah that yeah no it's important a lot of the best things do come from like

Really? Like, were you reaching out? I guess you're shot. I feel like Trisha always says that the worst they could say is no. That is so true. It's so true. But yeah, just with this new podcast and everything, do you have anything else that you want to do? Any dreams, any goals, anything that you... I really... Okay, this might sound so fucking weird when it comes out of my mouth, but like... Okay, wait. Hear me out. No, I love it. I love it. Hear me out, okay? You know how like baby reindeer, like the...

Okay. Like the guy who went through all that shit, like acted in it later. Yes. I would love to do like a short film or something. Oh, that's beautiful. Act out what I went through to like portray what it was and like to kind of like symbolize or whatever the word is. Symbolize. Symbolize. There we go. I didn't know. I was like, yes, symbolize. Symbolize was crazy. Yeah.

Me as fuck. Symbolic. I'll be saying that next week. Symbolic. Yeah. And yeah, that's like my goal, honestly. You should go on Worst Ex Ever. I thought about doing that. Oh, that Netflix show. I've never thought about that. It's a series, but it's like episodic. Where?

where every episode is like a story of like a horrible relationship and like the crazy things that they've done. And I'm like, I got a fake Australian who killed his family. Yeah, you guys could go on together. Oh my God, yeah. I would love to do like a reality dating show even. That would be so fun too. I would love to do like a dating what not to do. Yeah, there's so much there. The only thing is you don't have your phone for like two months and I'd like, I need to post on Snapchat. I would know, you could find someone to do it for you. We know that now. Wait, oh, wait,

Yo, the Johnsons, please. Yeah, right. Like they just started a whole business. I got my shit too. Is Snapchat like super fruitful? What does that mean? Like profitable. Profitable. Like do you make a lot of money on Snapchat? That's like my number one income. I love Snapchat. It's so fun. It's fun too because it falls in the same like bucket. I always tell her this. I tell her to start it every day because it's so cool because it's so authentic. Like you can literally just post your life and it's so authentic. It's so fun.

I don't know. I'm like, I don't want to share more. In fact, I want to share less. No, but it could be you cooking something or like literally anything. Yeah, that's true. I just got Jacob to start doing it and it's like, once you start, you won't turn back. I got Emma to do it. I'm trying to get everybody to do it. Like that is like,

It's so fun. I don't get it. Honestly, I need someone to sit down with me and watch. Me, I would. I absolutely would. I think it's so fun. It is wild. When Snapchat money came out, there's always just certain things as an influencer where I'm like, this feels so like, yeah, like this is crazy that like, I mean, granted, they're running ads through it and people get to enjoy your content for free. So it's not like,

scam me it's just like what do you like just influence your paychecks are wild like i'm just like posting selfies right now but it's so fun like i love snapchat because i left the fucking tiktok creator program like two years ago really yeah i hated that it like shadow bans you really yeah i hate it i love it you're on it oh yeah it doesn't shut up i've made maybe 37 cents that's what i'm saying like i fucking hate it yeah i can't they just started doing like if they feel like you're

uh quality is like high or if you feel if you feel like your content is high quality they give you a bonus so like sometimes they'll do like times two like multiply your money if they think like times well made yeah

Well, I mean, I could work my whole life to try to get that times two and I would die without it. No, I'm literally not. Shit's filmed on a toaster. And I've got a hair sticking straight up. I'm not kidding. Oh my God. That's insane. I just hate doing like a minute longer videos too. Oh, I love it. I'm like, let me chop. No, I really will be making like 10 minute TikToks and then I just make like three and a half cents. I should figure it out, but...

but whatever. I'll be fine. I miss when it was like the days where you can make like a 15 second audio sync video and you get paid like 15 bands from it or whatever. That was a thing. Oh my God. That's when I first started. It was like, you could get paid off of videos that were like a second long and I was making so much fucking money. And then they changed it. YouTube used to be so much more profitable than it is now. Oh my God. I just had a copyright. She got to live through it. I did get, I did. I loved that era. So did you? If you've been, if you've been, I've never been like that consistent on YouTube.

It's so hard. It is hard. It is like so hard. Shout out J-Ron. And starting off as like a fucking TikToker, it's like hard to like go from short form to long form. So it's like I and I hate editing. Like you edit your own videos, right? I edit. Now I edit like 50 percent of them, like literally 50 50. I'll kind of I'll do a video. J-Ron will do a video. I'll do a video just to make it like and

And you can tell the ones he does. Like, it is nuts. I'm like smashing my palm on the fucking keyboard. No, you're good. I don't have the fucking, like, the patience to sit there and fucking like rewatch what I just said. Same. I get it. It's hard. Sometimes I'll return to it like months later and then I'll feel like, oh, I can't post this now. It's too late. Me as well. I love posting late shit though. Now. Because it's like, whatever. It's still, it's a time capsule. That's how I look at it. You know what I mean? And it's camp. Exactly. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? We're like, yeah, Katy Perry just went.

- I went to the moon. - No, I know. That's the worst thing about touring is they even like this one in our next episode being like, they're gonna be like a week later or something and I'm just like. - But yeah, when do you guys go back on tour? - We go back in July. You would kill touring too. I didn't even think about that. - I wanna do that with Jacob so bad. - You guys will. You 100% will. And you could do like a whole ass variety show with him. He makes great music on a side note. He is so talented. - I like collab on Sweatshirt with him. - Yeah. - Why?

wouldn't you feature on i oh my god i'm like okay we need we need she's dragging it merch we need you featuring on sweatshirt please oh that's yes like a sweatshirt remake yes a sweatshirt with and you could be like i don't want your sweatshirt you know who just yammy to make her a diss track who mabu no way do it you know low mabu

I don't know. Bitch, take her on a trip. Fly her to New York. Sign my name up on her tits. And then who did he have in the music video? Who did he have in the music? Chris Dunn, right?

Oh yeah, like during all the... Baby, baby, baby, what's his name? Blueface. After Blueface and Krishan broke up, he made this song and he had Krishan in the video and it like broke the internet. You should 1000% do that. I love a diss track. I want to do a diss track so bad. It's cathartic. Yeah. It really is. Oh my God, I feel like I could really cook. I feel like I would really cook. And just try all the things. I feel like you're in this era of just like freedom and you are so creative. And once again, I feel like

I mean, at least I'm thinking about me just as your biggest supporter and fan of everything you do. Like so many people are going to love whatever you want to do. So I'm just so excited to see you like try all those things. And like, yeah,

I just... Ugh, I love you. And I want to have you back on even to, like, Kiki. It's so crazy that you were 20 years old and you were, like, this well-spoken. Thank you. No, like, I'm, like, honored to be on here. Like, this is deadass the one podcast that I will consistently keep up with because... I'm so sorry. I'll recommend some better ones. It's so good. It's so fucking good. Like, I love this shit. I love you. And we love you. And you, like...

I was just saying this to Camilla and I don't want people to start saying like, Tana says this to everyone. They're going to anyways. But I don't say this to fucking everyone because it takes a special breed of human for me to see any part of myself in them. And like, just from the beginning when we were first messaging, I'm always like, oh my God, like so many of little things that you'll do just randomly. I'm like, that reminds me of baby me in a lot of ways. And like,

I don't know. Just even you being blonde and having all your necklaces, it's like making me think of just... And I just like, I want nothing but the best for you. And like, I always have. And like, you know, I'm always there for you and just all of those kind of things. And I just fucking love you. I love you guys. And I just, I'm really like, it's an honor. Like you could have done any podcast in the world to talk about all of this. And it's, I was with Trisha the other day and Trisha was talking...

talking about how much that she loves you. And then we were looking back at the first few episodes of Just Trish and you were one of them. And the title was like, Kayla Malik loves Tana Mongeau. And I was like, oh my God, that's just so sweet. And I'm like, just so happy to like form a beautiful friendship and just like be there. You guys really are an inspiration more than you know. And like, as a viewer of the podcast, like,

The way that y'all go about shit in a way of like I'm saying this because I want to say it and not giving a fuck and just like the friendship of it all and like show like Jortsgate like shit like that like the fucking fights of it all like it's real as fuck and I just I love you guys. Well, I appreciate it. Thank you for coming on. You are one of the girlies. You know what I mean? Like you are when we talk about the girls who get it and like whatever like that is so you and I appreciate that messy unapologetically yourself and just like...

Even when maybe people might want you to shut the fuck up, doubling down and like just continuing to speak your fucking truth how you want. Like this is your life. And yes, fuck those haters and those bots. And I just love you. I love you guys. This is so much. Aw, thank you. Thank you. We did it.