#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
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Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

How exciting. You are here at Kill Tony, everybody. Make some noise for Brian Redbein. There he is. How about one more time for the best fucking goddamn motherfucking band in all the land, the Kill Tony Band.

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Right out of bed to be here tonight. We are going to have so much goddamn fun. I can feel it in the air. Do you guys feel it? This feels like a hot crowd. I see a lot of goddamn Latinos out here hiding from ISIS right now. You cannot get deported at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. It's impossible. You're protected. In fact, we're all going to give you, we're going to give all the Latinos in the room a little hand stamp.

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You guys ready to start tonight's show, huh? Well, well, well, you guys are here for another legendary episode of the show. This is an incredible, incredible booking. My mind is blown at the fun that is about to happen. One of the guests is one of the most legendary guests in the history of the show, one of the most utilized guests and who I consider to be a king of New York City visiting.

The other guest is one of the most legendary comedians of all time who's never been on the show before. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guest. Wow. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Mar and Big Jay Oakerson. Bill Maher. Bill. Big. Jay. Oakerson.

How exciting is this? Okay. Calm down. Calm down, people. I know it's exciting to see a big star on your little circus here, but no, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan of this show. You've never been on before, Bill. I've always wanted to book you. You're one of the few big comedians that I've never been able to have on. I love this show, though. What was your name again? I'm Tony. I'm Tony.

Why is the band so close to me? Tony, you know, I have a little rule to not have my back to black people. I'm kidding. You're all right. The one directly behind you is blind, so he doesn't know exactly where you are. I love my Sharia more, by the way. Great song. That's Stevie Wonder. That's D-Madness. Those are two different blind black men, Bill. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know all my blind people.

I guess I'm a big asshole. Welcome, Bill. And Big Jay Oakerson is back. Well, Bill Maher insists on promoting KyleDunagan.com, who Kyle famously played RFK Jr. and is one of the great comedians in the world. He's my favorite. I love him. How did you and Kyle Dunagan become so close?

I just am a huge fan of his comedy. You can go online and if you Google Kyle Dunnigan Bill Maher, you'll see. What a huge fan I am. I love it. And Kyle Dunnigan is on tour right now, so make sure you get tickets at kyledunnigan.com. Big J has a brand new special out. Them, They is out now. Them is out now. They comes out in April. And that is on YouTube. Big J. Oakerson. Truly...

Two of the best comedians working today. Big J, you've been on numerous times. We're so happy to have you back. I'm happy to be back, man. Austin, Texas. A bunch of fucking weirdos across the street at a bar, right? Yep. They are waiting. Over 200 lonely souls waiting, hoping, praying for the opportunity. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We all fucking try to help them out, find out more about them, find out what's interesting about their lives. The whole thing is improvised. Have you ever seen this show before, Bill? You know, I haven't, but I'm a huge fan of the... I see the clips, you know. I have a black hooker here who's a huge fan. She's waiting in the green room, so I have to make this kind of quick. She charges about a bitcoin an hour, so I want to hurry it up.

Plus, I'm actually a little high right now. A little. Who am I kidding? I'm higher than a Sherpa pussy. You don't know Sherpas? They're in a high altitude. They bring fat people's stuff up Mount Everest.

Wow, this is exactly how I've always expected Bill Maher to be. This is incredible. I can't believe Bill Maher is here. While we go wrangle that comedian, the first bucket pool from across the street, we have someone special here to start tonight's show. It has been a long time since we've seen this young man. Ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, former...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Camp. Hey, what's up, guys? Good to be here. I'm glad the election is over. That shit was horrible. Now the only campaign I have to worry about is trying to understand what Cam Patterson is saying to me. You know, I can't wait for the grocery store prices to go down as soon as we're done kicking out all the people that grow our groceries for us.

Thank you, Latinos, for coming after your protest tonight. I don't get why Trump blames immigrants so much. How are they to blame? They just got here. They had no time to fuck anything up. These people who have been here a while, maybe they're the problem, huh? These fucking Native Americans. They had their turn. Thank you guys so much. Wow. Exactly one minute. Oh, my God.

Hans Kim. Thank you, Tony. Back in front of everybody. By the way, you didn't do the land acknowledgement. Don't you TikTokers like to do a land acknowledgement before the show? Wait, what does that mean? Well, he brought up the Indian people. You don't know about land acknowledgements? No. Come on. Yeah, you do. Every time you do a show, you're supposed to thank Indians for letting us do it on their land. Yeah, you say...

You say this club was situated on the unceded territory of the Chickapaca people or whatever. And then, you know, you go, this is their land that we stole and they are never getting it back. That's what you do. That's what TikTokers do.

All right, band, relax. Jesus Christ. I found that offensive. He took us there. The drums was a little much. It's wild. You got this place. I made a point, and then they made it offensive. Hans Kim, it has been a while. You're back. It was a solid minute. Big J, what do you think about this sweet boy? I haven't seen Hans in a while, and I will say...

He's getting too handsome for comedy. Whoa, thank you. Yeah, success is looking good on him. He's fashionably mismatched. What? I mean, it's all autumn colors, but it's all of the autumn colors. Your hair's coming in nice. You look fantastic. Thank you, Big J. This is a compliment underneath all of it. I promise. You would make a beautiful woman. Have you said that before to him? No. He does look like a beautiful woman. Yeah, if you want to go trans.

That's what the kids are doing, you know. They just play go fish with their genitalia now. That's the big thing. They're gonna go... Asian is the best starting point for a good trans move, though. Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, thousands of dollars of electrolysis you don't have to spend. They're beautiful men. You are very hairless, Hans. Is this true? Yes, I, uh, you know, I'm sleek. Yes. Yeah.

Aerodynamic like a dolphin, I'm guessing. Yeah, no doubt about it. What are your pubes like, Hans? Oh, they're a mess right now. Oh, I bet. Looks like a pile of pad thai down there. They're Japanese porn level right now. Oh, yeah. It looks like you have your... But they're pinned straight, right? Yeah, it's straight hair. It's amazing. Your Asian pubes are totally straight? Yeah. That's incredible. Gets in the way. It overtakes my dick in like five months, you know?

It's the keratin. Yeah, and having the dick of a five-month-old. Do you ever decorate it since you can do things with your pubes? Do you ever do, like, haircuts or perhaps, like, a Big Jay Mohawk type of look or, like, spiky? Ever put gel in it? I usually just go clean-shaven. I did the Hitler once as a joke. She was not on board. She's Jewish. Ah, indeed.

It's like a holocaust down there. If I was Asian, I would put a dragon condom on my wiener. When you unfurl it, it looks like one of those dragon costumes that 18 people get in. Yeah. Yeah, for the New Year. Yeah. Have you ever done anything like that, Hans? Yeah, of course. Oh, okay, perfect. Maybe some lanterns. I'm just thinking out loud. Yeah. Yeah, incredible. What, uh, you ever, uh, you ever do, like, the chopsticks thing down there or anything? Like a ponytail type of thing? With my balls, or...

What else is going on in life, Hans? I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana doing the little Summit City, a big Summit City comedy club. There was a guy there in a full Confederate flag track suit. Nice. That's custom. Yeah, where do you get that? Yeah. I thought it was a new Kanye merch. Either way you slice it, one of your people made it. Either they made it or they dry cleaned it. One or the other. We'll figure it out.

A confederate tracksuit sounds like something Kid Rock gives you if you get wet at his house. He's like, oh, dude, my clothes are soaking wet. He goes, that's cool. Go grab a confederate tracksuit out of the guest closet. No doubt about it. You ever meet Kid Rock? Never. How about Kid Walk?

Well, Hans, anything else we should know about before letting you go? I was on Dr. Phil Live, amazing show. It was at Salt Lake City. Yeah. Talked about soaking a lot. Okay. What about soaking? Apparently you lay on the bed and then someone jumps up like a Tempur-Pedic commercial. Shake the bed. Yeah. You can't move. Moving is fornication. It's against God. So you have to just put it in there. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And then a third person jumps on the bed? Yeah. I didn't know that part. Yeah, I've never heard of the jumping on the bed part either. That might have been a... It's not jumping. They sit there and shake the bed really hard to try to get you to fuck. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily matter what they're doing in the bed. It was the fact that there was other people in there facilitating the motions. That's wild. All right. You guys just talked about it? You didn't do it? No, we didn't have sex on stage.

Spoiler alert. I was going to watch. Hans, you got tonight's show started. It has begun, all thanks to you. The great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. And now it has begun. And we go to the bucket, which has a mind of its own, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, there she is. Live in the flesh. The one and only Heidi Huffman.

That's not the D-E-I I was hoping for. I like him a little darker. Your first bucketful of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Gabriel Kerr, everyone. Here we go. Gabriel Kerr. I saw an ad on a porn site recently, and there's just a guy standing there by himself, completely naked, right? And he's got his dick in one hand and a Pringles party stack can in the other. And they're the same size. Oh.

So now I'm not watching porn, obviously. I'm googling how big that fucking Pringles can is. Save you guys the trouble. 16 inches. That's a lot of fucking Pringles. You know what I'm saying? Do the math on that. That's two 8-inch dicks. That's two good dicks. I feel like you guys need a visual. I could stand here tonight with that Pringles can and fuck it. And then another guy with the same size dick as me could fuck the other side. And there'd still be a stack of Pringles in the center.

And it'd be safe to eat. Gabriel Kerr. With a minute and some change. Welcome. It's been a long time. You've been on the show numerous times before. Welcome back, Gabriel. Thank you. It's been a long time. It's been like three years. Welcome. Welcome. That was a good set. Thank you. You've been working hard on your stand-up comedy? Yes. Okay. You still live here in Austin? I do. What do you do for work? Just this. You just do stand-up? Yeah. I had a rental property, but that's no longer a good business. So...

It's no longer in business? A good business. Okay. What happened to the business? Why is it no longer a good business? Because the fucking rates are through the goddamn roof. Interest rates? Yeah. So it's not profitable for you. Do you still have it? What are you doing with it? Breaking even. Okay. Yeah. This is like Mad Money with Jim Cramer, except a very unprofitable version of the show. Incredible.

So Gabriel, how long have you been doing stand-up five years five years? How old are you? 41 and how do you make money doing this? I produce a couple shows in town. Okay, and they do good their weekly shows Okay, guys. Have you ever seen anything quite as adorable as Gabriel Kerr? Yeah me I Want to hire this guy to go to malls with me and try on clothes so I don't have to be embarrassed Do I look goodness?

Your set was very funny, but mostly I was thinking, like, I guess I could pull off a white tracksuit. It's fun to find out. We look great, dude. Fuck the haters. We look great. Over my hoodie? I know two guys that are gonna fuck a Pringles can tonight together. Hey, man, I'll be honest with you. I could be another friend. And honestly, if my dick hits the Pringles, I'll eat the first few. Whatever comes out of my pre-jizz, I'll eat.

Hell yeah. It says plain, but they taste like French onion. Is this sour cream and bleach? Gabriel, what else is going on in your world, huh? What else is going on in life? I found out four months ago that I'm Jewish. Whoa, four months ago? Yeah. Wow, how did you find this out four months ago? That's how good Jews are at hiding. There was...

There's one in here for 40 years. But how did you find out? My grandfather died and my grandmother told my dad that she's Jewish and had been hiding it from him her whole life. Wow. Yeah. I kind of see it. Yeah, there it is. No doubt about it. And you got the yarmulke on your head right now, too. You got to push it down a little. Are you happy about the news? I feel like you said it like you just got terrible news.

Yeah, because I'm not making any money on my investment properties. What the fuck? Clearly, I'm not a good Jew. He saw a 23andMe call, and they wouldn't give you the results. They were like, no, you got to come in. What? I just want to know, am I Irish or what? He goes, we just need you to come to the office, please. I've got terrible news for you. Put your house in order. You're Jewish. My goodness. This is incredible. So you found out four months ago, did your grandpa leave you money? No. No.

I thought he was Jewish. Yeah, he took it with him. To the grave? Wow. Absolutely incredible. You still have this crazy love life, I kind of remember, right? Like threesomes or tuckery or something, right? Remind us, what was it again? My wife and I fuck other women. Your wife and you fuck other women. Are you guys still doing that? Yeah. And that's working? Yeah. Okay. Works great for me. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, and when's the last time you did that? Six months ago. All right. Is it Reddit that you find these people? No, there's apps just for that. Really? They are called... Yeah. Yeah, Red Band wants to know so that he can nuclear catfish a couple. I'll just be in the kitchen. You guys do your thing.

- What he's trying to say politely, Tony, is these girls are fat. - Yeah. - Is it true? They're bigger girls? - No. - Do you ever do the pegging thing? Have you ever tried that? - No, I have a dick. - Well, you have what? - I have a dick. - You can still get pegged. I have a butt plug in right now in about a half hour. - No, it's-- oh, oh, like, Bill Maher's the only one keeping the butt plug industry alive. A lot of people do it. - There's a black prostitute in the green room controlling it from her phone right now. - Oh, God, you're right.

I'm gonna have a prostate orgasm in a few minutes. And I am a squirter. I love it. Gabriel, you already have a big joke book, right? There he goes. Gabriel Kerr, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go.

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We're in for a treat. This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest door guys here at the Mothership and one of the funniest of the top young rising comedians in the world. This is a good, fun chance for the world to get to see, and I don't know what kind of minute he's going to do, but this is one of our favorite up-and-coming young comedians. Make some noise for the great and powerful Miles Johnson, everybody. Hello. Woo!

This is an impression of a guy who's trying to be threatening, but he forgot his gun. Alright, here it is. Are we gonna have a fucking problem here, pal? You wanna take it here, dipshit? Shit like that. I've been jerking my dick crazy. I've been watching these JOI videos. Have you guys seen these? JOI? A lot of guys playing Ray Charles right now. That's alright. That's all good.

It's cool, it's always white ladies though. I noticed it's always white ladies in the JOI videos. Short for jerk off instruction by the way. For cowards and women it's short for jerk off instruction. Can I finish it? - Yeah. - Okay. I think it's always white ladies in the JOI videos. I think it'd be cool if it was an old black lady. Go ahead beat your dick off now baby, come on now. Come on baby. You're doing all this JOI, you need to get a JOB, that's what you need to get.

You nasty ass little freaky dicky ass mother. Wow. Miles motherfucking Johnson, everybody. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely incredible. What you see is what you get. Miles is hilarious and a very, very nice boy as well. He's a nice guy. Yeah, I kind of like that, yeah.

As much as I like you, Miles, I know almost nothing about you. You've worked here for a couple years, and we've all been doing comedy together. You're very, very funny. And so tell us, what's up? What do you do when you're not doing stand-up and we're working here? Usually, I'm hanging with my bitch. I wish I could do impressions of a black guy like you do. What do you mean? I mean, I do it. Everybody's like, whoa, whoa.

I think it's cool. Go for it. I'm so black. What is that? Is that you? What's going on back there? I'm so black. John. That's crazy. John, you having your own sound effects is becoming an immediate... That sounded like you, bro. Oh, I'm so black. That is me. That's from the British black rapper. Turned out he was like a famous rapper, by the way.

Guy in the front row. Oh, I'm so black. It's time for some rap music. And that beat dropped and it's like a historical moment in the history of this show. White guys were dancing. Whoa. Miles, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Other than your face and hair. Probably my skin and then... He's throwing you the lob to say dick.

Oh, God. Let's just take the body out of it. Let's just take the skin and body out of it. Are you like a point guard or something like that? Yeah, I can play the one and the five basketball joke. Miles has to, you got to give context to your things before you say them. They didn't get that basketball reference. When you said J-O-I, I knew what you meant, but I'm a piece of shit.

And a lot of the crowd didn't. But it is a weird way when you give... It's too common for you. That's more the thing you worry about when you say things like that. Yeah. Like, I was giving a girl a French toaster the other day and just moving on from it without explaining that. You're like, you guys never heard of that before? Yeah. Jerk-off instruction. Is that your jam? Well, I've been watching them. I never learned how, so... I didn't have a fucking dad.

Funny that you think that's what dads do. Is that what black people think dads do? And I'm a fucking dad. I never thought I learned how to jerk off. So your mom had to be your mom and your dad. It's tough, dude. I was trying that shit. Hell yeah. Rubbing the old clit. I don't know. Rub it till it feels good. Mom, this shit doesn't fucking work, mom. God, I'm being so nasty right now. Just rubbing the old cryptorus.

Miles, what else? Any other hobbies or fun things that you're into? You seem like the kind of guy that, you know, chess club or something like that. Chess club, bro. That's cool as fuck. No, I mean, I like I meditate and shit. It's not funny.

It's badass. I like meditate. Meditate? Did you get into that in prison or something like that? Yeah, I used to be a black disciple. I tried to riff. I don't know how to do it. You're good. I like this guy. Do you have a younger sister or niece? Asking for a friend. I do, but why? Do you want to? Nothing, never mind.

You want to tell her over? I know my black hooker to hear anyway. Let's move on. Bill Maher. Bill Maher likes black women. Yeah, you can Google it. Yeah. It's well known. It is. Everyone, you know, likes their thing. Would you fuck Wendy Williams? Absolutely. That's badass. So far the blackest thing about you is... I would fuck Quintana Brown Jackson, okay? This audience doesn't know who that is. That's why you didn't laugh.

Miles, Miles, Miles. You are incredible. You are fantastic. You've done it again. Miles would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. You already have one of these? You don't? There it is. Boom. Big joke book for Miles Johnson. And the show continues. And your next bucket poll goes by the name Ellen Bogan. Eve Ellen Bogan.

Make some noise for Eve, everybody. Hi, I'm Eve. I moved here to Austin like a year ago from New York, which makes me better than everybody. And I don't really blend in very well in Austin. People tell me that, that I have like a real New York vibe, which I think is them being like, you're such a fucking Jew. You're such a dirty little Jew. And I'm like, I know, spit on me.

Make me come. Any other Jews allowed in here? Yeah, in the back. I'm not a religious Jew. I'm just a New York Jew, which is like Jewish, but just for business purposes only. So I don't follow the Jew rules. I eat bacon. I love, love foreskin bacon.

Together is the best way on a bagel. It's like a sandwich, you know? It's like a BFT, right? Like bacon, foreskin, tears. Living in Austin has changed me a little bit. I never used to say retarded, but now I say retarded. In New York, we don't say that. We're better. But then I moved to Texas, and almost everyone is retarded.

Boom, there you go. Everyone is retarded. Eve Ellenbogen, Bill Maher. Well, now that you're in Texas, you seem to be a bit of a floozy. Nothing wrong with that. Like a whore, yeah. But I have a bit of advice for you. Yeah. Do you know what a Mexican abortion is?

No, but tell me. Okay, okay, okay. Well, you're inevitably going to get pregnant, okay? And when you get knocked up by a child, to get a Mexican abortion, you get knocked up by a Mexican, and then ICE will get rid of the baby for you. It just makes the whole process easier. Cool, that's a good tip. Thank you. I try to help. And I guess it's like free, which is like a Jew thing. Exactly. Yeah, so that's good.

You guys don't like the Jew jokes. I don't think we like Jews. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true, yeah. It's the vibe I got when you said I'm Jewish and one guy wooed and then someone shut him down. Yeah. He was like, woo, and somebody went. Welcome, Eve. This is your first time on the show. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up?

12 years. 12 years. Almost all of that in New York? No. I started when I lived in Korea. I lived in South Korea. You lived in South Korea? Yeah. I can kind of see that with the haircut. You have a very South Korean haircut. Hans Kim was up here with the exact same hairstyle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was minutes ago. The first time I met Hans, I spoke to him in Korean and he got hard. It was like, I think it was like, cause it reminded him of his mom, you know? So it was like, did you see his dick come out of his pubes? Um,

It's hard. You really got to spread them. Why were you in Korea? I spent my 20s teaching English in Korea. I'm 40 now. What made you want to do that? I just didn't want to have like a normal, I just didn't want to be in the U.S. Why? What was going on? Well, I guess I grew up and I knew that I would leave. My mom died when I was a kid and I was like, I got to get out of here. Boo-hoo. Yeah.

How old were you when your mom died? Stop trying to fuck me, Jay. I was seven when she died. How did she die? She died from a brain tumor. Oh my goodness.

Wow. Shut up, Braintubers. Does that make me kind of retarded? Seven is such a wild age to have that happen. Did she explain to you what was happening? No. She was very sick from when I was five. You guys want to hear this, right? When I was five, she was like a lawyer. She was very smart. All this stuff. Fuck you, Red Band. And then she... Bill Maher's jerking off. And then

It's the butt plug. And then-- So she was very sick from when you were five. Yeah, so I can't tell you with this music. You can't. It's OK. Trust me, the music makes it.

All right. So then she couldn't speak anymore. She was like, and she wasn't really kind of there anymore. And so she didn't tell. I knew from other people, but you don't really get it. So there was a period of time when you're in kindergarten learning words and colors and everything. I was like learning how to spell my name. And meanwhile, your mom was unlearning how to misspell her name at the same time. So you got to pass up your mom in real time. You know what? I never. Speaking of real time, Bill Maher is here. Hi.

Every Tuesday. I never thought of it, but you're right. She was very smart, and for a period of time, I was smarter. That's, thank you, Tony. You moved to Korea because you wanted to try anal. That's... Low-risk anal. Low-main anal. Yeah. Hello. Hello, hello. Haro, haro. Low-mainal? Mom says goodbye, and you say haro. Haro.

says goodbye and I say hurrah. Your mom is looking up at us right now laughing. I'm kidding. Looking up? I'm kidding. She's not in hell. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. She's in heaven. Was she Jewish too? She's Jewish. She's looking up at us right now laughing.

I love it. What's dad like? My dad is turning 90 next month. Oh, my goodness. Look at this guy putting your mom to shame in years. It's incredible. What a dream. That guy had 40 years of being single without having to go through divorce or nothing, dude. Incredible.

He's very funny. That's like where our whole family kind of gets from my dad. James McCann is a friend of mine, and he loves a joke that my dad told him, which I hate. Let's hear it. It was just a quick thing. His voice was going, and he goes, Sorry, I'm a little horse. I'm a pony.

And that's, that's, yeah. Wow, that is a wacky joke. James will say it. He'll be like, I'm a little horse, I'm a pony. Because my dad has a fun, chewy way of saying it. I thought she was going to say an Edward joke or something. No, no, no. No, he doesn't have any race jokes, but there's so many sex jokes and I have to be like, stop. Like, you're 90, I don't want to know you this way. That's what I tell him. He's retired, obviously. Yeah. What did he do for work? He,

He did a bunch of things, like first in math stuff, then he owned a little publishing company, then he went to art dealing, and then controlling the media. Absolutely. We know. He just did the tour of Jewish work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now he's just running the banks. And to think Gabriel found out he was Jewish only four months ago. If he only had a dad like yours.

I love it, Eve. So that's fun. So now you live in Austin for the last year. Yeah, I live in Austin. East Austin? No, I live... Why? Because of my hair? Yeah. Is that why? So my hair, my bangs are not usually this severe. I did like a taping the other day. What happened? Did you de-madness? Have you been giving free bang cuts lately? This definitely feels like a boyfriend cheated on her. She did it herself on her beard. I did...

Is this your Trumpson office? No, I don't want to fuck guys anymore. No, it's like, it's the end of the world. I'm so horny all the time. But no, I did a little taping thing on Friday and I panicked because I get anxious. And so I was like on the phone just cutting my bangs. And then I went, I think I did okay. And then it didn't, it doesn't look that great. But it

That's what you learn when you have bangs. - That's a crazy thing to do alone, yourself, and super crazy to do while on the phone. - Yeah. - You have like a-- - One handed. - You have this going? - It was, yeah, it was crazy. Like I was like, I'm in a moment. You know when you're in a moment and you're like, this is, it's this or cut myself, and I, the bangs. - Did you think about putting it on speakerphone and setting the phone down? - I was, no, I was like,

No, I was like in a moment. It was like, I have to do this right now. She's trying to live on the edge. It's the one step between this and suicide. You don't have anxiety. I don't really get crazy anxiety, but when I get it, it's like a full, like, I'm not here right now. Are you on medicine for that? No. How do you handle it? I cut my bangs. That's one way to do it. You're a cutter. Yeah, exactly.

I just, I mean, I journal. I do a little yoga. No, I don't know. I just fucking panic. Yell at mirrors a lot. You should be better. You're basic. No, if I talk to the mirror, listen, I'm like a real basic bitch in some ways. If I talk to the mirror, I'm like, you're doing great. Like, that's what I do in the mirror. And then I'm like, you just cut those bangs. And then I have to deal with you being like, what's going on? Well, everybody's thinking it. I know.

You just happened to sign up for my show. If you were on Politically Incorrect, Bill Maher would literally be asking you about those bangs. It's fair. There's a picture of me as a kid where I did the exact same thing, but that was because my mother was dead. Oh, you feel so bad. You're so sad about it. I love your bangs. It's very Three Stoogies. Thanks for my bangs.

It's like you're looking over a fence upside down at me. I love it. It has to do with how I feel in the moment. Sometimes my bangs look great right now. You know, I'm getting it together. That's how I feel. I'll tell you what, the answer to the question, why are your bangs like that, it just brings up more questions. Someone's like, hey, why are your bangs like that? You go, I was on the phone. And you just keep moving on. They're going to be like, that's... Well, I was coping, is what I'm trying to say. I was coping with my hair. That's like...

like that's better than a lot of things I don't really drink right I'm better than all of you all right you don't drink but I say knock a few back and go hit a salon you know

Yeah, that's true. It'll grow in. I got them cut like a month ago, and then they grow in faster than the rest of the hair, so. I love it. Yeah. I love it. It's awesome. Eve Ellen Bogan, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. There's a big joke book. Eve, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Oh, look at that. Here you go. You just saw somebody get booked for a real show.

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop. With Mint, you can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments, but that's weird. Okay, one judgment.

Anyway, give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month plan, equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full terms at mintmobile.com. Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba.

I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I am deeply disappointed that I have aged out of being a sugar baby.

All the ways life was not gonna work out for me, I'd have been cool with being kept. Now, all the men who can afford me want teenagers. Which is super stupid. The Perry part of menopause? A while ago. You're not gonna knock me up. I can't sue you for child support. Well, I understand your 80s references, because I was alive then. But that's okay. Keep playing in the kiddie pool. Did y'all make big bucks for sweaty socks?

nine and a half and have hyperhidrosis. Someone sooner. I'm going to be able to keep myself. Thank you. Okay. Sharon Ruth Hensley. I don't think I've ever been softer in my life. This is incredible. Big Jay Oakerson. I thought at any given moment she was going to tear her clothes off and have Furry's Murder written on her body or something. Furry's Murder! I'm using your platform! I'm...

I'm from Texas, so I'm a carnivore. Wow, you're from Texas. Yeah. My goodness, what part? Fertuitous successful. Y'all know it as San Antonio. Okay. Incredible. You have real, like, liberal hippie vibes. No, sorry. I know. Don't apologize to me. I fucking hate those people. It's incredible that you're not. I can kill my own deer and hang it up and gut it and skin it and cook all the good parts. Ew. Absolutely amazing. Oh, my God.

- My uncle was a career Marine scout sniper and he trained me on a ranch in Fredericksburg. - I'm starting to chub up. This is getting better. - Okay, what else? - I'm probably one of the few people that you know that has shot somebody. - Oh, tell us about that. This is incredible. A little Dick Cheney situation here? - No!

Bear County Jail let a prisoner out on work release and didn't bother to check to see if he had a job. So he took a via bus to my house and cut my phone and electricity and got himself shot. So a guy cut your phone and electricity? He specifically told me it was so I couldn't call for help.

Well, how... Okay, let's just take it one step at a time. You kind of went Tarantino style there. You went the beginning and the end. Now we need to figure out that whole fucking middle part where you find out that your phone and your electricity's cut. I murdered a felon. I'll see you guys later. Were you going to cut your hair and call or were you just going to... No!

I'm old, so it was before I had a cell phone. Okay. So take us through it. You noticed your electricity's out, right? Is that the first? Well, no. He was outside trying to get in. Okay. Was he knocking on your door? Banging on the door, and the front doorknob had been broken off. And he still couldn't get in? At first, yeah. So why would he go and then cut your electricity in your phone?

I guess so the cops didn't get there before he could get in. Did he do that before breaking through your door? I'm not sure what the time frame on which particular criminal activity. We're jumping around here. So are you standing there with a gun in your hand? You're by yourself on the other side of the door waiting for it to open so that you can shoot him? Well, I was trained, one, be prepared. Two, if you have the gun out, you have to use it. Three, if you use it, you empty it.

So let's go back to the question that I specifically goes home. Pretty simple question. Pretend like you don't know the story, like the like the people here and the people watching at home. So the person's trying to kick down your door. You're on the other side of the door. Yes. With a gun. Yes. Are you standing there? Yes. With it pointed at the door.

Yes. Are you saying anything back to him while there's a hole in the door, Big J? I feel like she's just going to be practicing lines. She's going to say, you just fucked with the wrong bull. No. No, I mean... Game over. Checkmate, motherfucker. No. Just because I... Oh, your lights are going out. Yeah. Yeah. We found it. That's why we do these sessions. Yeah. You're about to make a long-distance call to heaven.

My uncle was a sniper. What are you doing? Twin Desert Eagles under the fucking things? What'd you pull on this guy? 357 with hollow points. Wow. Oh, my God. Take it easy, cunt Eastwood. This is incredible. Oh, my God. I thought your pussy was dirty and hairy, but I didn't realize you're dirty, Harry. See the reference there, folks? That's good. Yoni's not even smiling.

Incredible, a .357 Magnum with hollow points. Well, the sad thing is... He was white? The dude was a marathon runner. Dude was a what? He was a marathon runner, so he was really muscular, but he was really... So the bullets just went straight out. They didn't have a time to expand. Hilarious. Oh, my God. This is some real Texas shit. Wow. Well, the funny thing is...

People in California and New York are like, the bullets didn't have time to expand? Wow. So a marathon runner. And by that, we have figured out the race of the man. Am I correct? No, he's very Mexican. Oh, Mexican. Wow. I thought it was pictured that. Yeah. So you had to aim low. Incredible. My face is up here, Juan. Yes.

It was Miguel, but yes. Did you kill him? I tried. What happened? Hey, as long as you did your best, kiddo, we're still going to go to Pizza Hut. We'll still go to Pizza Hut. I am hungry. The fact that he's Mexican does make the catchphrases that she could have said to him a lot better, right? Did somebody order the migas tacos? Live mas. Hey, Pedro, the wall's that way. Damn. It does make it better.

For whom does the Taco Bell toll? I like that one. Yeah. Incredible. So you didn't kill him. How many times was he shot? Three. Three times and he survived. God damn. This must be one of Big Mike's relatives. In Espanol. Shoulder.

What? Shoulder-o? Neck, chest, and shoulder. The shoulder was my off shot. Did any of these ricochet off of his saxophone? How Mexican was this guy exactly? They went into the floor and the wall behind them. Did your bullet hit the string of bullets that he had crossing over his head? And then the one that was smoking from the hole in his 10-gallon hat? Wow.

My goodness. He was in the hospital for a month because when I hit the shoulder, that's actually what almost killed him. I hit an artery. Nice. And he had to have several surgeries, and he still doesn't have full use of his arm, which he blames on me, so he's been looking to kill me since then. Oh, bueno. No bueno at all. Do you know what he does for work? He's disabled. Right.

Is he a citizen? Is he a legal citizen? I enabled him to collect a check from the government for the rest of his life. Really? Isn't that interesting? If an illegal immigrant committing an illegal crime gets shot by a legal American, they automatically get money forever. No, he actually is from here. Oh, well, in that case... God damn it. We'll see about that. I'm going to talk to my friends in the administration.

I would appreciate that. Absolutely. Was it his right arm? His favorite hand. So you like live life constantly looking over your shoulder. That's chill. Pretty much. Yeah. The first time I did a show they wanted

I wanted to promote it and I was so used to being in hiding. Like I talked to my therapist and I was like, what do you think I should do? Like if I'm going to be in this and take it seriously, I'm going to have to promote. What do I do? And she goes, I don't think you're ever going to feel safe anywhere. So I told the promoter, I was like, go ahead. And then I told them, I was like, well, you know what?

If he's gonna kill me, he's gonna have to make a big show of it, you know? Like, I'm real good at seeing if somebody's tailing me or anything. - Right. - So... - I've never wished more that I had a laser pointer to just quietly start, like, putting it on, putting it on. Dude, dude, dude. - Revenge is a bitch! - The good news is... - You should've killed me, bitch! - I still got one good arm, you fucking whore! - They went right through my skinny body!

Have you thought about having a stage name or not wearing your glasses or something like that? Yeah, that'll really throw him off, Redman. Hey, I would kill you, but I don't think it's the right beach, dude.

We talked about it, like, the first time I signed up for an open mic, I put TBD, like, to be determined. And I was like, say TBD, like it's foreign. And people thought it was really cute. They wanted me to keep it. But then I was like, I'm also a writer, and I've already been published under Sharon Ruth Hensley. And everybody was like, just for professional purposes, you just need to streamline it and have both. Do you think maybe you should get a dog instead of all those cats? I travel too much.

You don't have cats, right? No. But it's amazing because you seem like you do. No. But instead you fucking kick cats. My last dog was a Rottweiler German Shepherd mix. Oh, okay. Oh, so you hate Jews. Yeah. That tracks.

Incredible. Boy, you cannot judge a book by its cover here in Texas because you seem like you would just be one of the worst people. It's incredible. Wait, let's see. Red Band has a good point. We want to see, you seem like you could be one of those secret hot chicks. Look out there and would you mind taking off your glasses and kind of like frilling your hair like that real quick? Just out of our own curiosity. Can you look that way? Whoa.

Whoa, I think I have a 357 in my pants now. We've come full circle here. Are you circumcised? What? Jesus. I'm kidding, lady. For uncircumcised because they're really good at doing my favorite-est thing ever. Like an excellent... Your favorite what? My favorite-est thing ever. An excellent impersonation of those tubes filled with water and glitter and stuff, you know? Like, now you see it. Now you don't. Now you see it. Now you don't. Oh, favorite-est.

I got it now. Finish the next one. I love an uncircumcised penis. You have the thickest white accent I've ever heard. It's literally, I can't understand you. My whole life, people are always like, where are you from? They always think I'm from up north. Yeah, it seems like it. You do. You seem like a wacky Canadian. That happens. She doesn't do a lot of talking. She lets the gat home. Yeah. All right, well.

Sharon Ruth Hensley. Any relation to Hunter Hurst? No. Oh, I know. But I do love wrestling. Absolutely. The interview, while absolutely incredible, you know, the set was that set. You are leaving here, don't kill me, with a little joke book. Is that a gasp? You guys, you want me to give her a big joke book?

Okay. Jesus, I've never heard the whole audience go, "Aww," at once like that. This is a true democracy here in America. There's a big joke book for you. You catch like a cat, lady. -I never said I was sporty. -You're killing it, lady. You're killing it. I'm sure some open-miker's gonna bang the hell out of you tonight.

Someone's blowing the dust off of that librarian pussy tonight, I can tell. - Find me on Facebook, seriously. - All right, Sharon, relax. There you go, all right. - Facebook? - Facebook. - That Mexican should've thrown her a book. You would've had the higher ground. - Yeah. - You know she has a secret, OnlyFans. - Yeah, that is a wild lady. You can tell she has like a sex swing at her place. That's like a kinky, kinky old lady.

You guys having fun out there? We just met a cat lady that's secretly a killer. Anything can happen here. Mixed voice for your next comedian, Benny Boy, everybody. Benny Boy, that's a new name. Here we go. Oh, we know Benny Boy. All right. Here he is. Hello, how you doing? All right. I'm back. I'm not Nick. I'm back. Anyway, I smoked a lot of pot in the 80s and 70s.

Maybe 80s and 90s. Now I don't care what the fucking temperature is. I'd get so high it would take me an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. I did some coke. I watched it in seven minutes flat. What the fuck, motherfucker? That amyl nitrate? I thought it was anal nitrate. I've been putting that shit up my ass. No wonder I didn't get high. Yeah, shit, being on Kill Tony, I got some work. I went to Tijuana.

I was big down there. They said, Benjamin Grelly, pendejo grande. It means big funny man in Spanish, they told me. Pendejo grande, Benjamin Grelly. That was me. All right, Benny boy. I think I just decided to stop smoking pot.

This guy shot a Mexican. Yeah, no doubt about it. This is Bill Maher, Benny boy. You ever meet Bill Maher before? - Bill Maher? - Yeah. - No. - Real time? Bill Maher? - No. - Club random? - No. - Likes black hookers? - Never heard of you. Never heard of you. - Okay. Are you wearing your own merch? - Bill Maher, aren't you like a left-wing... - Huh? Okay. Okay, scram. - Okay.

This is wild that we've had two bucket pulls in a row that were both part of the Manson family. This is absolutely incredible. You had to pick that up, huh? It's a real reunion here. This guy definitely plays guitar to a corpse. Just changes their clothes every day. Benny, has that always been what you've gone by on this show? Why does Benny Boy feel like a new name to me? Because it's the first time I use it. I usually use my regular name. Why are you going by a new name?

Seems a little bit late for a current change. Just to mix it up. Okay. And I thought you might see my name and go, oh, not that fucking guy again. I just pull names out of the bucket. You don't do that shit? Yeah, the only way to mess it up is by having it be ineligible. Which means I can't read it. Which most likely means they're mentally ill. You're like a magician. You make...

terrible comedians disappear. It is wild. They're fortune cookies. Yeah. Confucius. Benny, tell us, what have we not talked about? You've been on the show before, just to catch Bill Maher and Big Jay Oakerson up. And you famously, at one point in your life, were friends with Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. You call him Richie. Yeah, well, that was his name, so...

Hence the Richie. That's true, by the way. That's real. He used to kick it with Richie. Well, I wasn't friends with him. We just had the same heroin dealer. It's not like I hung around with him and ate cereal with him. Right. That would be weird, eating cereal with a serial killer. That's what buddies do. Past the Froot Loops, Richie. If you had cereal money and milk money, you were getting heroin.

Yeah. You guys were heroin buddies. Yeah. You didn't do anything gay like eat cereal together. Oh, no, no, no, no. You gotta be gay to do that shit. Did you ever share in... Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So...

Did you ever share a needle with him? Oh, no, no. This was the 80s. You didn't share needles with anybody. Right. That's the gayest thing. AIDS was rampant. Did you ever... He used to be a felon. ...to murder people with him? Say what? Did you ever go and attack people and murder with him? No. I never saw him actually out of that room, my dope dealer's room. He lived across the hall, had a pentagram on his...

Usually heroin screws with your brain, but you got away scot-free. Oh, yeah, I did. There was a pentagram on the floor, too. It was like, yeah, that was kind of weird, I guess. There was a bloodletting. Benny Boy, tell us something about your life that you've never told us before. You have always been a great interviewee. Well, I got another story for you. Here we go. Okay. You want to hear about the time I stole a guy's TV?

While he got up to make a sandwich during a commercial. He stole his TV when he... Yes, can we get proper lighting for this keynote? He's a great storyteller. It was a long time ago. I don't do that shit anymore. Unless I need a TV, that is.

Yeah, it was in San Luis Obispo. I better not say the name. The guy might still be alive, and who knows? He ain't coming for his TV. That's right, yeah. There's a lady that's going to be murdered by a Mexican with one arm before this guy comes for his TV. Just go ahead. Tell the story, Benny. Okay, so I just moved into this guest house behind my art teacher's house. This is back in the 70s. And I moved in. I had all my furniture in there.

sat down on my sofa and I realized, shit, Johnny Carson's going to be on tonight in about a half hour. And Richard Pryor was on that night. I remember distinctly who happened to be one of my favorite comedians. And I said, I don't have a fucking TV. It's 11 o'clock. The news is on. 30 minutes. Carson's on. I don't want to miss the monologue. I'm going, where the fuck am I going to get a TV at 11 o'clock at night?

I said, I better get in my pickup truck and go peruse the neighborhood. So I did. Driving down the street, not too far from my house, and I see a big picture window. And in the picture window is this beautiful color TV. Back then, they weren't all color. This one was. So I kind of said, oh, shit, there's a TV right there. I pulled my truck down a few houses down a ways.

'cause I assumed I'm gonna be running out of this house with a TV, and I didn't want them to get my license plate. I didn't have time to steal a car. Plus, I hadn't done that in a few years, and I was a little rusty. So I packed my truck, and I did my best cat burglar routine. Crawled up to this guy's picture window, looked inside, and there's this dude sitting on the couch watching the news. I'm like, "Ah, shit. Someone's home."

I wasn't used to going in houses when someone was home. I usually waited till they left. But right next to the TV was a screen door. It was summertime, so the door was open, but the screen was closed. And I'm saying to myself, the TV is right there, right next to the door. If I go around the back, I could just grab that TV and leave. But the fucking guy's there. Next thing I know, guy gets up.

He goes up these stairs and he's in this little, in his kitchen. He opens the refrigerator and he starts pulling out mustard and ham and cheese. I'm like, this fucking guy's making a sandwich. It's going to take him a few minutes to make that sandwich. Right? You can't make it. It'll only take me a few minutes to get that TV.

So he's making a sandwich, his back was to me, I could see him up there, the TV's there, the door's there. Then he goes in the back somewhere, I assume to the bathroom or something, which is even better. It's like, oh man, I gotta do this. So I run around the back of the house, I open the screen door, very gingerly-like, and I push that little thing, you know, to keep the pump, the door from shutting there. What do you call that?

- Bill, would you have me know-- - Door stop. - Door stop, who said that? - What? - That's a genius. - Is it a door stop? - Door stop. - Oh, no, cheese it. - Yeah, so. - It's a story stop. - I kept the door open. - Keep going, Benny, keep going. You have pure momentum. - And the TV was right there. I opened the door and it was a TV. I just had to take like literally one step. This wasn't a flat screen TV. These were heavy fucking TVs.

This thing was way heavier than I expected. And as you can see, I'm a skinny runt. My rap name is Skinny Bastard. Anyway, I grabbed the TV and immediately I went, oh, this thing's too fucking heavy. I'm not going to be able to make it back to my truck. And the guy's still not there, so I'm outside now his door.

And I look in the back and there's a cinder block wall and there's a shed up against the wall and there's a ladder right there up against the shed. And I figured, okay, it's easier for me to get to that wall than it is to get to my truck. So I brought the TV back to the shed, climbed the ladder, I put the TV on the roof of the shed, which was right up against the cinder block wall, and there's an alley that goes behind all the houses where the garbage trucks go.

I have a black hooker waiting, let's go. So I put the TV up there. See, daddy-o, see? Put the TV up there. As I'm walking back, I look in there, the guy's back to making the sandwich. I see his elbows and stuff, I'm going, okay, he's cool. So I go back to my truck.

Get in my truck, and I come all the way around. ♪ Why me two black hookers ♪ Keep going. Go down the alley, stop my truck. I climb in the back of the bed of the truck so I could reach the TV from the roof of the shed. Got the TV, put it in the bed of the truck, put a little tarp over it just in case I got stopped, which I didn't. I drive around the alley. I go around the corner. Now I'm going up the street where the guy lives.

To my amazement, there's already a cop car there. Police car was there already. So there's two cops and the guy on the front lawn and all three of them were scratching their heads. And I can only assume they're going, so what the fuck happened? I got up to make a sandwich, come back, and my fucking TV's gone. Wow. That was it. Absolutely incredible.

Did you make it back in time to plug in the TV and catch the episode of Johnny Carson? Perfect timing. Fucking great. Incredible. I couldn't have planned it. Incredible. Okay, that's our show. Coming next week with my guests are Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hot Tua Girl. That was a long story. That was a very long story, you gotta be honest. He's got a lot of family that's still worried about him a lot.

Benny boy, it boggles my mind your ability to tell stories in the interview portion of this show. Yeah, well, I'm old. I got a lot of shit. Yeah, well, you just got to keep signing up and do it again. I sign up every fucking week. All right, yeah, this is it. This is your odds. Everything makes sense. You get pulled once every few shows. So it's nothing personal.

What are you, crazy? It's a bucket full of names, you psychopath. You just said, what are you, crazy? I thought you might see my name and go, oh, that's fucking Guinea again and throw it away. The fucking what again? What did you say? Guinea? Did you call yourself a guinea? Yeah. You should do a podcast, by the way, with all these stories and shit, like of all the people that should have a podcast. Yeah, I would love to do a podcast, but I'm not as smart as I look.

It's perfect. Benny, we love you. You already have a big joke book, right? Uh, oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got one. Don't try to steal one from me here. I'm not making a fucking sandwich. What? I saw you at the secret show and I said, I need another big book. Mine was full. And you said to Yoni, get him another book. Did we get you another book? No, that was six months ago. Okay, Jesus Christ. You're a real con artist. Do you know that? Yeah.

There he goes, Benny boy, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. We're flying through him tonight. Benny, what?

- You're making a long fucking story. What else could you possibly want? - Last time I was here- - I have a lady that I'm gonna have shoot you in a second, right behind the curtain. - Hey, no, remember I'm non-violent. - What? - I'm non-violent. - Okay. - The last time I was here- - Okay, Benny, I love you. You gotta go. Benny boy, ladies. I'm gonna have security choke you the fuck out. Get out of here. - I gotta say- - Go, get out! - It wasn't the first time I've been thrown out by security. - Benny, shut the fuck up. Get out of here. Unbelievable. A throwback to a different time.

That was batshit. I love it. No, it was great. It's like a totally different show happened for 20 minutes. I can't believe you have Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hawk Tua girls. Next week after that, I have Prime Minister Trudeau and Megan Thee Stallion. So it's a whole month of great shows that we have. Who books? Do you book it yourself? I book it myself. You always book somebody...

Very important and like, you know, and then someone that's just like a street rat. We have Kim Jong-un and the Cash Me Outside girl in April, if you want to tune into that. Who else do we have? We have King Charles and the Burger King mascots. We got a lot of great people coming up. Real time with Bill Maher. KyleDunagan.com is what Bill Maher is promoting tonight.

Oh, man. That is hilarious. Hello.

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Towing capacity varies by configuration. See Nissan Towing Guide and Owner's Manual for additional information. Always secure cargo. All right, your next comedian. We still having fun out there? Not everybody's just old people with crazy stories out of this bucket tonight. There's no way. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izzy.

This is dope, yo. I'm having a good time, yo. Happy to be here, man. Really happy to be here, yo. 'Cause tonight's normally the night when me and my wife, we do this thing called Netflix and chill. Y'all heard of that? Where she watches Netflix and I have to go chill somewhere else? Kidding, man. I love my wife, yo. I have to. She makes more money than me. I realize I'm the housewife. I noticed this the other night when I was ironing her work clothes, which is messed up because she work from home. I need a new weed dealer, man.

Last time I hit my weed dealer up was voice text. I say, yo, you on deck? And I sent it. I ain't know my phone heard, yo, you on dick? So he still serves me weed now. He just don't give me eye contact no more, man. And I need weed for, like, you know, tolerate work, man. Like, I can't stand jobs, yo. Like, I don't participate in work functions like Secret Santa's. Because I always end up drawing the co-worker I don't like, which is all of them.

One time I drew the manager. I ain't know where to get him for Secret Santa, so I got him the best gift I thought I could give him. My two weeks notice. I'm Marvin Izzy. - All right, Marvin Izzy. Marvin, welcome. What do you do for work? - I'm gonna be an operations clerk starting this Monday. - Operations clerk starting this Monday.

What what have you been doing up until this point and this is this Monday by the way? You were supposed to start today Monday night now, huh? I think you missed your shift. All right, so I'm unemployed I

No, I meant to say I start next Monday. Okay. Yeah. And where are you an operations clerk at? That is a professional title, but you didn't tell us where you work. It's a manufacturing company that made me sign an NDA, so I can't say where they're at. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. That's what I'm limited at, and I just need to start this job. Absolutely. Ever get shot in the shoulder? Right arm is hanging low. It does look limp. Something's goofy over there.

You do have the energy with the audience of like, look, I'm just trying to get my life together. My wife had a kid while I was in prison. I'm just trying to do the right thing in life. And if you don't laugh, I'm going to go back to murdering whites. Not just whites. Nice. Nice. That ponytail is so tight back. It is incredible. You're Puerto Rican? Yes, sir. Absolutely. I am so.

Absolutely incredible. There is a certain amount of absolute pain that they put themselves through before you leave the house. Stretch out the forehead, you know? Yep. Absolutely. Absolutely incredible. What do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you? Like in your daily routines and whatnot. Shit, believe it or not, I'm watered down, bro. I'm not as Puerto Rican as Puerto Ricans should be. When you say watered down, does that mean what? I don't eat rice and beans. I don't fucking, I don't. How many kids do you have?

One. Okay. Wow. Incredible. But I did have her when I was 18, so I still got to, you know, I got to meet the standards in some way. And do you live with her? Well, no, she in college now. There it is. There it is. Very Puerto Rican. Yeah. Absolutely. Who has the tighter ponytail, you or her? Me. There you go. Nice. Yeah. You're saying that hers is loose?

I hope that's the only thing. That's right. Doge needs to get in control of your gel budget. I've had too much of this. It's okay. You better get it together, Bill Maher, because next week on your show, you have Vladimir Putin and Benny Boy. I'm getting worse. That's right. Thanks for plugging that, by the way. I was hoping.

It's too much fun. This is too much fun. Marvin Izzy, what's something crazy we'd be surprised to know about you? I suffered a heart attack a year ago. Oh my God. How did that happen? I was on a red band diet.

Look at Red Band. - Cocaine and Wendy's? - I was trying to get on the Big J diet, but I just, you know. - So what were you really doing? Tell us about it. What does that mean? - Nah, man, it was just unhealthy eatings. - Like what, what, what, what? - Fast foods, just fucking Popeyes, McDonald's, Burger Kings, fucking, see the thumbs up? The Red Band diet. You see what I mean? - You ever do any cardio?

That's genetic. No, I really didn't take care of myself. It adds up. How old are you? I'm 39. Jesus. You had a heart attack at 38? Yes, sir. And where did this happen? How did this happen? Take us through the steps. Your right arm goes a little numb? No, real shit. Now you fucking with me. My shoulder does hurt, but I didn't know it was slouching and shit. Like, damn, you got me on that. You ever spend any time in San Antonio? No, never been there.

Never been there. Okay. Nah, so, uh, real shit, I came to visit, you know, uh, Visit where? I came to visit Austin for my first time like a year ago. I was crashing with David Jolly and then I came back home like, yeah, of course. And then like, uh, two weeks later I had the heart attack and then as soon as I got discharged from the hospital, like, the heart attack happened in my house so like,

I felt weird in the chest and then it was just like this, this don't feel right. And I went to go get some fresh air and then everything started spinning on me. Immediately I was like, all right, we're going to the hospital. By the time I tried to get a sweater because hospitals are cold.

Wow. So I tried to get a sweater immediately. There was a complete detachment from my brain and my body that I was just like, no, call 911. And they came and picked me up, but they didn't believe that I was having a heart attack. They just thought I was ODing on cocaine. Right. Were you? No, again, no. Hang on. No. As a fat guy, are you blaming the wrong thing here? Is this a little... No, real shit, I never did cocaine in my life. I'm a major pothead, but I never did coke.

I would have assumed you were ODing on cocaine as well, but ODing on cocaine and a heart attack are almost essentially kind of the same thing, right? Yeah, pretty much. But the thing that concerned them was I wasn't like hypertension or anything. Like I'm having this heart attack, but I had low blood pressure. So they wasn't taking my heart attack serious at all. So how long until they took you to the hospital? Well, it was pretty fast. They got me there within like 15 minutes. And the doctor's like, it's a heart attack.

No, they was observing and trying to rule out everything first. I like the energy of it was like, "This guy thinks he's having a heart attack." Yeah. I guess. Yeah, they didn't take it seriously at some point. You know, they was just looking like, "How much cocaine have you done?" And I'm like, you know, "My name's not Tony Hinchcliffe." - Uh... - Shots fired. - Ooh. - Oh, here we go. Uh-oh, you got me. Never tried it before, but I guess that's a thing. I'm a gay coke head.

No, but after some point they had to just rule it in and was like yeah, you having a heart attack so they admitted me and They ran a procedure where they placed a stent in my artery because it was the LAD artery Which is known as the widow maker, so I'm not supposed to be standing here Yeah, they ran it through my wrist which I'm happy because they said if they can't run it through your wrist they run it through your nuts and

And I was like, well, I have two wrists and two balls. Let's just try each wrist first. Okay. Yeah, and I'm here to tell y'all about that. So, big ups. Congratulations. That is a fun fact. That is the laugh of Fiona Cawley that John Dees has saved on his keyboard. John Dees has some of his own sound. Hit it again, John. That is the great Fiona Cawley, golden ticket winner out of Nashville, Tennessee.

Okay, Marvin, you've been on the show before, right? Last week in that turbo round. Okay. That shit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, congratulations. You got your interview in. You got pulled out of the bucket. There he goes. You got a little joke book? I ain't get nothing. Here you go, my friend. Hey, why not? Marvin Izzy. All right. We're flying through it. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris.

Cabral everybody Chris Cabral or Chris Cabral perhaps. All right. Do y'all know I've uh, I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records. Yeah, that's pretty cool World's longest infant penis. Thank you. Thank you. I'm very proud of that very proud of that In fact, the doctors wrote and they hand wrote in my medical records. It says wow We thought it was a baby anaconda

Yeah, I'm very proud of my records. In fact, I had my record for about one day. Only one day. Yeah, as it turns out, they measured the umbilical cord instead of my penis. So, yeah, it was kind of embarrassing there. But, yeah, so that's my one minute. Thank you. All right.

Wow, 42 seconds from Chris Cabral talking about his tiny penis. Yes, tiny, tiny. Hello, Chris. Welcome. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy out?

Three years. Three years. Where at? Charlottesville, Virginia. Okay. All right. That is one of the saddest things that's ever happened in Charlottesville, Virginia. A true tragedy. Man, that's brutal. That's all right. Oh, you got me. Chris, how long have you been a retired police officer for? I have been a police officer. I have been. Way back in the day. What?

You just stepped on a joke and what? I'm sorry. Nope, just go ahead. No, yeah, I'm a park ranger in my civilian life. But what did you say originally? I used to do law enforcement in the park ranger world. Yeah. Big J, what did you say? I forget. That's all right.

Chris Cabral just out here swinging that baby penis around. So what does that mean, law enforcement as a park ranger? What were you doing exactly? Resting squirrels. Yeah. Yeah, a little. Spit out the nut. Give me that fucking acorn. Yeah. Typical law enforcement stuff, but mainly people vandalizing things and kind of.

doing all that type of stuff. But now I do education for the parks. Speaking of squirrels, next week on Bill Maher's show, he has President Zelensky and one of the squirrels that he arrested. One of the squirrels, yeah. All right. It's a packed show. It's going to be a good show. I can't get enough of these Bill Maher bookings.

Chris, there has been something that's been happening tonight. I'm going to catch you up because the bucket pools are brought over here and kind of get to hear what's happening right before they come up. There's been a theme tonight with Eve Ellen. Nope. Sharon Ruth Hensley, older lady, kind of had a rough set and then an unbelievable interview. Benny boy, mediocre set, game changing interview, a story that would win a fucking Oscar. Yeah.

If podcasts had awards. Okay. Now, what I want you to do here. Yes, sir. Is I want you to think in your head of something of your entire life. How old are you? How old do you think I am? No, no, no, no, no. Don't ask faggy questions like that. Stick with me here. Just look at me. 55. 5'5". Okay, 5'5". Very good.

Stick with me here. I want you to focus because this could be gold and we could go three for three with unfunny old sets having unbelievable interviews if this goes how I think it can go you're gonna come out of here feeling good if it continues to go how you've been letting it go you're gonna go what the fuck was that This is your moment. You have 55 years to reflect on

on a story or a moment or something interesting about you that is going to change this fucking vibe, this moment that we're in right now. It's all come to this. It's your life. I need you to reflect in your head. Let me give you an example. Okay. Sharon Ruth Hensley, a woman who appeared to own all of the cats, turns out is a gun-toting hillbilly.

A Texan, through and through, even though she looked like she voted for Kamala eight times in eight different states. Turns out she shoots people that try to invade her house with a .357 Magnum. Hollow point bullets that blast through marathon runners who are currently tracking her down right now.

Sweet little Benny boy comes up with some old timey jokes. Fucking, it takes me seven hours to watch 60 Minutes. Next thing you know, him and the band fucking jamming up here talking about a guy making a little mustard sandwich stealing his TV.

A heavy TV, so heavy that he had to take it up on a ladder on his shed, drive his car around. It was fucking crazy. That was definitely the scenic route to his truck. It's unbelievable. Fucking wild. It's unbelievable. Wouldn't even make sense in any other universe other than Kill Tony. So now, Chris Cabral? Cabral. Chris Cabral. Yeah.

Now is that moment. John, if you can give me a little something. Lighting, if you can give me a little something. This is your moment. Chris, tell us. 55 years to reflect on. Tell us something that would boggle our fucking minds that you've seen or been part of in your life. Now, this is Chris Cabral. We've amped for so long to give you time to think. And now, this is that moment. Starting now, this is Chris Cabral.

All right. I like the music there. Don't acknowledge anything. Just stick with the fucking story. I was mugged by a two-year-old. Okay. Yeah. And that is true. That's a true story. Okay. Now tell us the story, Chris. I was on the U.S. National Luge Team. Y'all know Luge? Stop asking the audience for their approval. I can't believe three years and you've learned nothing about the art form, Chris. Just focus in on the story.

Don't acknowledge the odd. Pretend like you're just crushing. Stare straight out there. All right. I was in Moscow, Russia, and a little kid latched onto my leg, and this turned out to be a big deal. I'm trying to get the kid off. I had a teammate with me. He would not leave. It's like zero degrees in Russia. I'm grabbing his head, trying to pull it back. He's going, no!

He just kept on. He wouldn't let go. The kid wouldn't let go. I was with a buddy of mine, a teammate. The mom came out, grabbed my teammate, and I'm still struggling with the kid. He wouldn't let go. And his little snot was run down. It was crazy. And I remember I was pulling his head back. He's going, no, no. And I finally shoved the little baby on the ground.

I may have kicked him a little bit too, shoved him, and my friend threw the mom into a snowbank because it was the middle of winter. It's a winter sport. And we ran. We ran from the baby, and we ran down the street in Moscow, and we pounded on the bus to get in, turn around, and we get in the bus, and the baby was chasing us. We didn't know this. He stopped, and he stopped crying, and then he latched onto another leg.

So that was my getting mugged by a baby. Well, two for three tonight isn't that bad. It's a good story. That was 76% lie.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty wild. The good news, Ronald Reagan and the baby from that story are on Bill Maher next month. Okay. All right. Not bad. I love the plugs. Thank you, Tony. That baby. An unbelievably bad story, Chris. You basically assaulted a two-year-old and threw a Russian woman into a snowbank. Yes, that is true. I love it. I love it. Chris, what are we missing about you? Anything else before I let you go?

I'm here in Texas. I'm a reservist in the Air Force, and I'm retiring, which is cool. Yeah, okay. What have you done in the Air Force? Do you ever serve overseas or anything? Other than beating up children? One person in the universe was excited to meet somebody on the luge team. And instead of embracing that moment of like, well, this is beautiful...

He shoved the kid down, and they, for no reason at all, brought the mother to watch, and then threw her... If I'm understanding correctly. Yeah. And then threw her into the snow. He's like, fuck you, you dumb bitch. That's what you get for...

We're USA luge. Like, fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid baby. USA luge. It is incredible. Your perspective is amazing, Big J. You've seen what I was... I completely missed this. The kid was looking up to you. He's like, oh, my God. He's like, get the fuck this kid off me. Oh, my God. If I had a dime for every goddamn kid who wants to be my child because I'm just like a luge guy coming through town, man, okay? I'm like anybody else. You snoozy luge.

Chris Cabral, here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. You going to catch this? Sure. There you go. Chris Cabral, everybody. Thank you. All right. Your final bucket pool of the night, everybody. It's been a hell of a show. Make some noise for Jallet Zeller. Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Jarrett Zeller. Here we go. Oh, look out. Here he is. Make some noise for Jarrett Zeller, everybody. Wait a second. You can't do that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, and you play that when he's up here. No, no, that's not how it works. That's intro. Outro is when they're leaving. Intro is when the next person comes up. We're gonna give this guy a fresh start. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jared Zeller. One more time for Jared Zeller, everybody. So I've been thinking a lot about what Kamala Harris would sound like if she was a guy.

So I have an impression of Kamala Harris if she was a guy. Please be a good crowd. Please be a good crowd. Hey, shit, man. Hey, man, you know me, man. Hey, man, so, you know, I was walking to the store, man, just giving me some Valentine's Day gifts for my boo thing, Dougie Doug, man. You know Doug, man. You know my boo, man. And shit, man, no, but fuck, man, shit. No, but like...

I'm looking for some flowers and shit, man, some chocolate. And then I pull up to the dude, right, with my chocolates and my flowers and shit, man, you know, smelling all good and shit, man. And I pull up to the dude, right, and the dude, he was like, all right, bet that'll be $50. I was like, $50? Here's an impression, the voice in my head when my jokes don't land the way I want them to. No, no, I am funny. Thank you.

It was bad and awesome at the same time. There's something... It was bad, but there's something weirdly hilarious about you. I love that you blame them. That was like a fever dream. Yeah. This is what Benny boy was like when he was younger or something. Your act is like women over 30. Not for me. But you got talent. You do have talent. I think you should keep going.

He's also dressed very sharp, but at the same time looks like a figment of an imagination. Yeah.

Like someone's imaginary friend? Yeah, it is incredible. You have a very odd charisma to you, Jarrett Zeller. Oh, thanks, Tony. You're welcome. You're welcome. You seem a little twitchy, a little high energy. Are you on, like, Adderall or something? No, just vibes. Just vibes. Just vibes. All right. How long have you been visiting from California? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Damn, bro. I'm like actually a Texan. Shit, that's crazy. Okay. Yeah, but my mom wants to associate herself with being from California, even though she's not. So, like, yeah, I get that, I guess. All right, that was a little deep. Does your mom live in California? No, she just likes to visit a lot. And you visited there a lot. She took me along, yeah. Right. Yeah. There it is. And you thought it was gnarly? Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Jared, how old are you? I'm 27. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Two years. Two years. Where have you been doing that at? DFW area and College Station Bryan. Dallas, Fort Worth, and College Station. We know it very well. And how often do you make it down to Austin, Texas? This is my second time in Austin at all. Right. What was the other time? With my mom. She took me...

Face the crowd. You're slowly turning around completely. You just made direct eye contact with the drummer there. I'm going to help you out. When you get nervous, you spin around in 180 degrees.

Your mom took you to Austin once? She took me to the domain. We stayed by the domain. Wow. You came to Austin to go to the worst place in the city. That is incredible. Does your mom do real estate or something like that? What does she do? Yeah, she does. Red band. Red band. That was fantastic. Red band. That was pretty good. Red band on fire right now. He is on fire. Okay. Jared. So this is absolutely incredible.

27. You've been doing it for two years. Is that your best minute or is that your newest minute? Man, I feel like I know where this is going to go, man. Where do you think this is going to go? Face the crowd. Face the crowd, Jerry. You're spinning around again. Listen, Tony. All right. I've never seen anything like it before. You're like some type of like one of those. What's the thing that's in the middle of like a dinner table? What's that called? Nancy Susan. Lazy Susan. Lazy Susan.

Jared Zeller has the stage presence of a lazy Susan. Is your mother's name Susan by a chance? No, but man, it's fucking close. It is. Chloe? Stacey? Stay with the S. But I'm not going to... It's okay. You don't need to throw your mom under the bus. Thank God. You're very close with your mother, aren't you? Yeah. You still live with her?

No, I just recently moved out. This is your first time living on your own? Second time. What happened the first time? The first time I had to move back in with my parents because I hit an 18-wheeler on a motorcycle with no helmet. You were in the motorcycle? I was on it, yeah. And you had no helmet on? Yeah. This is all starting to make sense. Were you twitchy and kind of jittery before that? Dude, actually, I mean, yeah. Okay. But...

Maybe it's more now. Yeah. It is! It has to be. It has to be. That was like coming out of a stupor when you said that. I was hit by an AT on a motorcycle. "Oh, alright. You're doing great then." Were you going down the freeway at some point and perhaps got a little nervous and turned around and started going the other way, head on to traffic?

I don't know, dude. It was honestly, I don't remember. So like, yeah, that's nice. Extreme head trauma. Yeah. So, okay. So Jarrett, you hit an 18 wheeler, so you had to go back live with your parents. Right. Yeah. Because I had the neck brace and the crutches, like I had to learn how to walk again. So they had to like, you know, help me at the shower chair, but you know, all that stuff. Damn. All right. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

You're good looking. No one feels bad for you. I know. I'm just feeling it, man. You dress well. You have good stuff going on. What's your... You have a good love life? No. Yeah, definitely. You dress well, but you're one unbuttoned from douchebag. But you look good. You also have a Norman Bates relationship with your mother. I worry that you can't... Mother, is this one good?

No, brother, I like this one. What was the mom's name in that? Holy shit. Shit, I don't remember the mother. Norm. Oh, yeah, forget it. Yeah, I'm close to my mom, dude. Fuck, I'm, yeah, I don't give a fuck, dude. Okay, all right, Jesus. We get it, we know. We know she let you wear her pants to the show tonight. Jarrett, what do you do for work?

I deliver blood from a blood bank to hospitals. Jesus Christ. Is that it? I feel like they... I don't see what the problem is. Oh, I see, because I hit a... Okay. All right. You might have saved that Mexican from earlier. He needed blood. This is so interesting, Jared. I find you to be an interesting, interesting person. I can tell that you're funny. Thank God.

I mean, you weren't funny, but I can tell that in there is a funny guy. I can tell. You have funny motions, and your timing and movement of funny is good. There's something in there. Well, thank you, Tony. That's nice of you to say. Let me ask you again. If you were to do your funniest joke that you've written in the two years

years that you've been doing it, what do you think your go-to would be? It couldn't possibly be that crazy Kamala Harris impression. No, no, no. That was insane. Yes. That was just a racist impression of a black guy done by an extremely white guy.

Really nothing Kamala Harris related at all. Yeah, exactly. It was her lines. It was just, yeah, I was waiting for something about a candidacy or politics or something. And it went too long. If he was just like, Hey man, what'd it look like? And that was the old impression. Oh, that's funny. But it was like, he's gonna, there's going to be something just notes. Noting all of this in two years. I got to know what would your, if, if, if,

If, you know, Johnny Carson was here and he's like, I might want to have you on my show after Richard Pryor on a stolen television tonight. All I want to see is one joke and I'll give you a spot. What would the joke be? Look out at the crowd. You're turning around again. I guess Johnny would be a clean joke. It doesn't have to be clean, but go ahead. Just pretend like you're on Kill Tony, the modern day Johnny Carson and do a joke. So I don't know why people keep coming up to me and asking like,

They keep telling me like, hey, I would never listen to a woman be president. And I'm like, dude, you listen to a groundhog tell you that there's six more weeks of winter. See how he danced with the music? There's a funny guy in there. There's a funny guy in there. Do you have funny friends? Do you hang out with funny people? Yeah, dude. Yeah, man. Three of them signed up tonight. Roll from fucking College Station. They're probably, you know.

I feel bad that I'm not representing them accurately, but like, yeah, they're all, you know. I think you also made it weird when you said he wouldn't listen to a woman be president. The sentence was wrong. I don't know, man. I'm just thinking like if I'm dressed like I clearly listen to my mom a lot, like, and that's true. So it was like, okay, then the irony, I don't know. Like I clearly look like I have a terrible black voice and then it's like,

Kamala, I thought, had a pretty odd black... Both of those jokes were about a woman and then you got this weird relationship with your mom. It's kind of fucking weird. When's the last time you were in a relationship? It's been... Before we let you go, what's the craziest thing we should know about you, Jared? Your entire life. What's something wild? You've seen this show before. You know how the interview part of the show works. You're in it right now. What do you think would be something you would bring up?

Well, I mean, that motorcycle accident was pretty fucking crazy. I would say what's crazier is the pity that I thought I was going to get pity fucked after. And she just laid a missionary and I was in no position to, like, roll her over. This is your mom? Fiona. Oh, Fiona. Who was this girl? It was a girl that probably Freud would say reminded me of my mom, but I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't argue. I wouldn't make that argument. No.

But she was nice. And then what was crazier? I made a joke. You go ahead. So, yeah, I was in a neck brace. The doctor said the neck brace stays on during sex. Well, he said it just doesn't come off. And I was like, well, I really want to take it off because I was like, you know. And so she she I thought like I was just going to lay there and she instead laid there. And so it had to like who told you you have the gift of gab? This is.

Ridiculous storytelling. I have no idea what's happening. His mom. It's not his mom. I know that. Every time you talk, I have so many more questions. Dude, listen. Hold on a second. No, you listen. You listen to me. You listen to me. So, you're hooking up with this chick. You have a neck brace on. Did you not think to go, hey, do you mind if fucking you get on top?

Yeah, I just felt like I couldn't ask anything. I felt like I was in no position to, like, demand or ask anything. I don't know. Were you wearing those pants at the time? It was awkward, man. Yeah, it sucked. So what happened? You were on top, and you're just there with the neck brace, like, fucking her. And you, like, can't look at her because your neck's like that. Yeah, so I'm, like, staring at the wall and shit, you know, like, well, I'm just, like, wearing this prison, and so it...

It was a lot of work and I couldn't feel anything in this leg. And it wasn't like I could go to my physical therapist and be like, hey. This was worse than being hit by a truck on a motorcycle. Well, dude, yeah. You know what's worse than that? And they just said like a weird almost fuck situation. Yeah.

Your show is almost over. My butt plug just fell out. I don't want to lose my goer. You're right, Bill. We're going to keep it moving. Here's a little joke book for you, Jarrett Zeller. Everybody, Jarrett Zeller. All right. I also want to plug my show. Still getting around to that fix on your car? You got this. On eBay, you'll find millions of parts guaranteed to fit. Doesn't matter if it's a major engine repair or your first time swapping your windshield wipers.

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I've never seen anything like it. And a new chapter begins. We're going to Hollywood! Carrie Underwood joins Lionel Richie, Luke Bryan, and Ryan Seacrest on American Idol. Season premieres Sunday, 8, 7 central on ABC and stream on Hulu. Okay, we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, and you are in for...

a very special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Here to close tonight's show, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, this is Cam Patterson, everybody. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just did a fucked up impression of me. That pissed me the fuck off. How you gonna beat me before I go up, you dirty bitch? That made me angry as shit. And come on, I said, what the fuck?

I'm doing it right now, as you can tell. That's my voice, bitch. It's good, though. You know what's funny? I feel good doing comedy, dog. I feel like I'm inspiring young black men to do better in life, dog. That's not funny, bitch. That's good. I am. Like, I was walking down the street that day. A dude came up to me and said, but you don't understand something, bro. Like, seeing your ass do stand-up and shit, like, cutting out of trenches, that mean you want to change my life. Like, real shit, dog. Like, yesterday was my last day ever selling dope. And I was like, that's beautiful, dog. Hell yeah.

"What do you do now?" And he was like, "I just do security and logistics." And I was like, "What the fuck does that mean?" And he said, "Nigga, I'm a pimp. I sell pussy." Which is insane, which is-- 'cause, like, I don't even-- I don't think I helped him at all, dawg. He went from drug trafficking to sex trafficking. Nigga, that's crazy. That's worse, actually. I like telling that joke because half of y'all laugh because that's funny, and the rest of y'all was like, "How the fuck this nigga know the word 'logistics'?"

I'm done. Thank you so much. Cam Patterson has done it again. Bill Maher. Cam, were you named after those things that follow you around every store you're in? Who the fuck is Bill Maher, nigga? It's an old N-word. I don't want to say it again. I just scream it in my pillow at night. I don't want to say it on live TV again.

I got in trouble. Oh, my goodness. Big Jay Oakerson. Always hilarious, man. Thank you, bro. I gotta ask you where you're from, because I don't know where you're from, but wherever it is, your voice is from there. I'm from Orlando. Orlando. Yeah. The west side of it. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. What's the difference between the west side and the rest of Orlando? Well, it's the west side and then it's the east side, and them lot of Puerto Ricans and shit over there. And then the west side's just black.

Perfect. Where's Disney? See, this... Thank you for asking. Yeah. But Disney not in fucking Orlando, though. Disney is 30 minutes away in Kissimmee. Bullshit. It's bull... Watch your mouth. Everybody go, Orlando is Disney. No, the fuck Disney World, nigga. I hate Disney World. Orlando, it ain't Disney out here. Yeah. What's on the... What's on the south side of Orlando? I don't know that side. I don't know what that's at.

You never drove through there? Down there? I don't know which way that is. How about the north side? Neither. Wow. One way south, one way north, who knows? You just pointed right and left, so I'm getting the feeling that you're not exactly sure what north and south means. Correct. One way's north, the other way's south.

Incredible. Incredible. That's blowing my mind. Why does everyone think it's Orlando? Like, that's crazy. They're 30 minutes away, so it's easy to be like, oh, it's Orlando. But it's at Kissimmee. That's the airport. That's the airport you flew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So everybody say, yeah, yeah, it's in Orlando, but it's not. They keep Disney away from niggas like me, man. Far away from niggas like me. Okay. What? For real, though? No, yeah, no. I know. The last thing. The last thing, uh... Yeah. But I'm a good guy now.

I do comedy. Absolutely. Type shit. That's my uncle. Absolutely. But you would go to Disney World a lot, right? Fuck no. Fuck Disney World. Why? It's pussy. It's for kids, man. Any grown adult that likes Disney past the age of four is fucking gay. It's unarguable. Wow. That's a lot of gay five and six-year-olds out there. It's not wrong. Gay as hell. It's not wrong.

I hate this shit. What about the new Disney stuff? There's a lot of... Tron. Huh? Tron. The new Tron ride. Okay, there you go. What the fuck about Tron? That's a way to... All right. You have to get that Tron thing in there. That's an adult ride. What, do you own stock in Tron or something like that? Say Tron? Brian, we got to work on your black people's small town. Yeah. Yeah.

- What about Tron? - Tron? - Sounds like one of your people. - Tron? - I know a Tron. My cousin named Natron. - Yeah! - Natron? - Yeah, real shit. - That's hilarious. - That's real shit? - Really? - His name is Natron, yeah. - Like in your phone it says Natron? - Yeah, I think I've-- let me see. Hold up. - Oh, my goodness. You're getting your own-- - I'll show you on Instagram. - Natron. That sounds about right. Natron Jenkins, wide receiver, University of Alabama.

What that shit right there? Look. Oh, my God. - Atron, yeah. - Wow. - Yeah, my cousin. - Holy shit. - It's his real name, dude. Spelled how you think. Three apostrophes, like Flavor Flav named him. Some parentheses in there for some reason. Only at the end, though. What does an Atron do for a living? He do a lot of shit. He do about-- Well, I got to stop talking about him on this show, 'cause last time he got fired.

But he do a bouncy house shit like that. A what? He got a bouncy house business. A bouncy house business? Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. What Benny boy would have done for a bouncy house while trying to steal a television. Can you imagine? That was hilarious, dog. That's crazy. That old nigga crazy. No one loves a good stealing someone's TV story as much as... I was just like, whoa, this is genius. Ha, ha, ha.

Wait till they eat the sandwich. What? I know about that, man! You're like, this guy's a logistics genius. Unbelievable. Cam, you're a superstar. Another rock-solid minute. You've done it again. We love you. He's on tour. He's fucking killing it all around the world, ladies and gentlemen. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in.

Ladies and gentlemen, am I right? Tune in. He is repping Kyle Dunnigan. Kyle Dunnigan. Tune into my next week. We have Oprah Winfrey and the Storage Wars cast. So check out my real time show.

Bill Maher, you are the man. Kyle Dunnigan is on tour. Kyle Dunnigan famously did an RFK Jr. impression on this show, which was absolutely incredible. We love Kyle Dunnigan. It's amazing that we have that in common, that we love Kyle Dunnigan. That is fantastic. KyleDunnigan.com. How about a big hand for the great Big Jay Oakerson, everybody? Then they...

Them is out now on YouTube at Big J. Oakerson. They comes out in April. Big J., our big brother from another mother in New York. We've always said that. I love you, my man. Thank you so much for having me on. Short notice, too. I appreciate it. Absolutely. Truly one of the greats. Big J. Oakerson, Bill Maher slash Kyle Dunnigan. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew while we were goofing around. Ooh, Ari Matty. Look at that. Wow. Wow.

Who couldn't make it. Violently ill in the final minutes before the show, yeah. He's doing the Lord's work, touring the country out there. All these guys are working so hard. We have a massive announcement that is happening right now.

I can't even say it right now, but when this episode is out, check out the Kill Tony Show Instagram and our own Instagrams, and you're going to see what we're announcing. If not right now, then tomorrow. So it's a huge announcement. No. No, I can't announce it now. You're going to find out with everybody else. This lady's seriously mad. Why the fuck would you fucking do that to us?

I can't believe you did that. - Jesus, God. I can't imagine being your boyfriend. Look at this poor guy. God, what do you go through, sir? Is it really worth it? My God, that's sad.

ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix, we thank you. Unbelievable sponsors that keep the whole thing running. Shout out to BonesEye, working overtime, kicking out these joke books available at killmerch.com. A ton of new unbelievable merch. The new dark Kill Tony hat, which I love, is now for sale. There's a new fucking Kill Tony thermoses. There's a whole bunch of fun shit out there. Killmerch.com.

The tour dates are yeah, you're gonna find out there you go big big global global announcement coming tomorrow or tonight and

If you're a comedy fan, you have to check out Skank Fest this year. It's in New Orleans. You've got to go. Go to Skank Fest. Get your tickets. Fucking amazing. Sells out immediately. So make sure you get it while you can. And check out everything Kyle done again. Follow him on Instagram and all social media. Same with Big J. Check out their specials. See them on tour. Audience, we love you. Thank you for coming to Austin, Texas. God bless.

bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.